#I just reread that first part and HMMM i still Feel It

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

She dreamed, as she had before, of her sister.

In her dream she was laughing, sparkling, as beautiful as Deryn remembered her. And then the laughter bled out of her, and she looked calmly and quietly at Deryn, and then Aelwen whispered, "I didn't mean to."

It looked like it! she wanted to scream back, but she could not shatter this perfect moment, this dream that she ached for in reality. How can you say you didn't mean to! I saw you! And she would never unsee it. It always came back, in her dreams.

"What did you mean?" she whispered back.

"All I wanted was for things to stop. It hurt, Deryn. Living hurt."

And now you're dead. The sparkle was dying out of Aelwen's eyes as it had died moons ago. "How could you do this to us," whispered Deryn. She tried to phrase it in a way that was empty of accusation, but the echoing spaces were large enough that accusation fit snugly in.

"I didn't mean to...."

And Deryn awoke, cold and shivering and alone, as she had been for many moons. She couldn't even make plans to visit her sister, not unless she wanted to go to the cemetery.

Rage ached in her bones and called to be set free: rage and - yes, grief, a weight in her ribcage. She wished she'd told Aelwen she loved her, the last time they met alive. Perhaps something would have been different.

Perhaps Aelwen would have said something about the choice she was making.

Things might have been different, if only.

They were fixed, and nothing could ever change again.

"Dear God, no," breathed Deryn, half lost in her pillow, and rolled over and got up. The clear bright moonlight silvered her hair as she stood at the window, looking out on the empty land.

[kamidukki]

[AKNK] Berrien’s Daily Life Memories [BOX vol. 2]

The greatest enemy

L-look, Mr. Bug… I’ve opened the window for you, see?

Since you’re kind… you’ll get out, right…?

(bug’s noises)

Ugh… I beg you, please get out already….

Ah…! Don’t jump onto my pillow!

Gh… seems like I have no other choice.

…Do you understand, Mr. Bug? Please stay still just like that… Now, to lift up the pillow… Slowly, slowly…

…Hya!

Fuh… Somehow, I managed to drive it out by myself. If others were to see this, I won’t be able to live it down…

A…! Another bug just flied in…!

(bug’s noises)

And there are two of them now… Ugh…

…It can’t be helped. As I thought, I must ask for help…

A prayer for the dead

What a beautiful moonlit night. On such a quiet night, I can't help but pray for our fallen comrades, that their souls may rest in peace...

Some devil butlers lost their lives in battle with angels and I were unable to see their last moment... But some of died peacefully in my arms.

There is not a day that I do not have everyone in my thoughts.

May you rest in peace, for I will never forget about you.

It is a burden that I will continue to carry with me.*

That’s why… Please lend us your strength, one that will allow us defeat angels and protect the Master…

[*This line will probably make more sense if you're up to date with the main episode, which revealed information about Berrien's demon power]

The worst nightmare

U… ugh… Gh… No, please don’t go away, Master…

…Ha!

Was that… a dream?

Hh… What a terrifying dream…

It has happened many times before, but nothing as frightening as this...

Master... who I finally got to meet and who means the world to me... and the only person I can't lose.

Ugh… Master, please come back to the manor soon… And let my heart be at ease with that smile of yours.

Beyond the fight

Fuh… Ha!

I have become much more adept with the spear myself. I miss the time when I first picked up this spear.

I couldn't handle it well... I had to train hard before I could fight with it.

Now I can handle it as if it were a part of me... I guess I should be happy... In a world full of battles like this, if we don't fight... we won't be able to protect people from the attack of the angels... or protect our precious Master...

Phew. I hope the world soon becomes one where we don't have to deal with weapons.

When that time comes, I would be able to spend more time with the Master... peacefully.

Silence and solitude

Hmm...

The manor is very quiet today.

The Master hasn't returned and all the other butlers are out on errands.

It's been a long time since it's been this quiet. Too quiet that I feel uneasy.

This won’t do...

Loneliness is a heavy thing one one’s heart...

At times like this... it's best to get down to work.

Yes, that's right. I shall go down to the basement and continue my research on the angels...

On reading the diary

Hmmm...

It's fun to reread old diaries like this.

This date was probably around the time... when Lono-kun and Bastien-kun first came to the manor.

Yes, that's right. At first they didn't know how to interact with each other and it was very awkward.

A lot has happened since then... They've overcome a lot of things and now they're much more open.

We are like a family now...

Hmm?

Oh yes ♪

This is what happened that day... ♪

Shall I tell them both about it tonight? They'll probably be embarrassed, but...

Hmm ♪

Once in a while, it's not so bad to reminisce... ♪

The rumoured new master

(When I had just arrived at the manor...)

Hmph... Today is a very happy day for me. Since I got to welcome the new master to the manor.

The Master looks like a very nice person, don’t they?

From now on, I will be able to serve them. I am really looking forward to it.

At the same time... I have to be more determined than ever.

I have to protect the Master no matter what...

That's the reason for my existence after all.

The sharp gaze

One day, when I returned to the manor... Berrien was focused on something.

Hmm...

An angel who appeared recently is behaving in a way never-seen-before...

I wonder what could be the cause... I must investigate further...

...He seems to be researching and thinking about angels.

The look on his face when he concentrates... his eyes are so serious it makes you forget how calm he usually is. A serious expression that I rarely see... I forgot to call out to him and just stared at his profile.

[wundrousarts]

just curious, do you know how many times you’ve read nevermoor? Like each book?

Hmmm. Counting my currently eternal reread of Hollowpox as “finished” (even though it’s not), I’ve read the books 3 times. That would be:

— Read them when they came out (2018/2020)

— Reread them intensely across 2021-2022 to pick out lines make a Twitter quotebot. This no longer works so porting it over to a “random quote generator” type thing is on my eternal to-do list, just it’s been taking forever because I have to reformat 1016 quotes…..

— Reread them for my “eternal reread” which is just my pre-Silverborn reread that’s been taking forever because Silverborn has been taking forever lol. That’s been 2023-present.

I don’t actually like to reread or rewatch things that much because I feel like I have a pretty good memory, especially when I comb over soemthing so deeply like when I made my quotebot. I haven’t picked up my Hollowpox reread since January because I accidentally deleted all my notes related to it (which included things from when I first read it 🥲) so it’s been a struggle to get back to it. Also that book is so lore heavy that over the years I’ve reread different parts a ton to make theories, just not the whole thing.

I might join in on the communal reread if that indeed happens even though it still feels too soon to read again because it all feels fresh in my head lol. Time will tell!

[theclearblue]

For the ship ask : ZoSan - Zoro & Sanji and MobRei - Mob (aged up) & Reigen and SatoSugu - Gojo and Getou.... Thx

Thank you for sending this is in!!

Zosan

Ship it

Fun fact I was pretty against this ship at the beginning when I first started watching (now it's my fave op ship lmao). I think the turning point for me was maybe Water 7/Enies Lobby when they really start working together, and Zoro worries about Sanji on the sea train. But when it became my favorite was probably the Nothing Happened scene and also when Kuma is chasing the strawhats in Sabaody. Just the way they clearly care so much for each other and their dreams where Zoro first protects Sanji in Thriller Bark, and then Sanji is worried enough about Zoro in Sabaody to protect him over Nami??? Yeaaaahhhh I started falling down the Zosan well pretty deep after that lmao

I think what makes Zosan fun is that they fight ALL the time but it's like...play fighting lmao?? If you've ever had cats where they just bat at each other and wrestle but they don't really hurt each other, it's all in good fun and then they snuggle up to each other? That's the Zosan dynamic to me lmaooo. But also under that I think they trust and respect each other more than anyone, both in a fight but also with what they view as the worst parts of themselves. Lots of potential with them I think (also VERY interested to see how the Wano oath will come back around because it will...)

Hmm I think sometimes when people write Zosan they either lean too much into domestic sappy lovers or just straight up toxic lmao. They are the pinnacle of cranky old married couple so when they don't make fun of each other anymore or playfight well..that's not Zosan lol, but then sometimes people go way to far the other way where they don't like each other at all and scream at each other and miscommunicate and that's just not any fun either, there's a balance.

MobRei

Don't Ship It

Usually I don't like an aged up ship unless you're aging up both characters, it's hard for me to get past an age gap that big because it colors so much of the dynamic. Even aging them up I think I couldn't stop imagining Reigen as the cringefail older brother/mentor type of figure to Mob.

Hmm honestly maybe aging Reigen down to Mob's age might be ok? As like a childhood friends kind of thing instead? I still don't think I would see that as romantic though.

Hmmm I think this one just isn't for me sorry

Satosugu

Ship it

God, what doesn't make me ship it? I know Ij ust made a post yesterday where I was like "You could interpret them as brothers!" and like, you COULD but this feels like the most obvious romantic subtext of all time with every scene they have. But I started shipping them when I read Hidden Inventory/Premature Death, and then the ship became really solidified with a JJK 0 reread and with the Gojo sealing scene. Gay disasters of all time.

I've talked about this a bit before but just the way that there is nobody else for them, nobody will understand Gojo like Geto does and vice versa. They are a pair, until they suddenly aren't, and neither really know how to navigate that. I think they embody a lot of the core themes of JJK really well, about love and death and corruption and loneliness. I think there are just a lot of different avenues to explore them, from pre HI arc to Geto's descent to the 10 years in between to JJK 0 and to Shibuya. They really do it all lmao, and of course, I am tragedy enjoyer first and foremost and they deliver.

Geto gets woobified waaaayyy too much by satosugu lovers. He is undeniably a victim under the jujutsu system and his struggles are very painful and even sympathetic, but I think some satosugu fans really erase his flaws way too much and end up blaming Gojo for everything? Which I think is wildly unfair.

[philtstone]

Writer asks! 3, 6, 10, 16!

im soooo late to replying to this but. thank you beloved and here we go

#3 What’s your favorite fic that you’ve written?

this is such a hard and mean question but here are some top contenders:

"easy, easy (my man and me)" - claire and jamie build a treehouse in the backyard. it came to me so effortlessly and i am still proud of the prose. also i sent it to my beloved high school english teacher and he loved it which makes it special! i don't think he realized it was fanfic lol

"hopeful." - sam and bucky accidentally adopt a bunch of super kids in the sort-of apocalypse. not prosaically perfect necessarily but my first ever completed chapter fic! i put a lot of myself into this one and it got me through a pretty tough year emotionally, and on top of that im actually proud of it!

"my daddy was a prominent frogman" - frodo baggins and his friends try to save their hippie summer camp from the evil industrialists. listen. this au is evergreen. 5 years later i have been inspired to write for it again, because it was just that good.

#6 Are there any fics from others you reread all the time?

Yes! of course!!! a staple of the genre! i say this and immediately forget every fic i've ever read!

I think the true brain changing fics are ones that i reread once a year or every few years. alternatively, i'll read one fic 10 times in a month. i read "let our joys so multiply" by @fallofrainblog 5 times in a week once so that gets a shoutout. every so often i have to go back and read irnan's star wars fics for personal reasons. also, the legendary anne fic catching moonlight which i go back to about once every 2 years. hilarious how 2 of these are ancient ffnet gems but there u go

its weird bc a lot of fics i'll forget about for years and then suddenly be like "oh yeah that one changed my brain irreversibly. i wonder if it holds up" and then i go find it again and am generally confirmed that it does, indeed, hold up.

#10 Is there a fic that got a different response than you were expecting?

Hmmm! many of them, frankly. there are some fics i write as throw aways with no expectation they will get traction, like "shut your mouth, hold your breath" or the very silly ponniyin selvan road trip au. there are others which I know are niche but still wish they had more traction so i had more external drive to finish them, because in theory i love the concept but just don't have the internal juice to see it through to the end. the force sensitive claire au is one of those i think. there are still others which are for huge fandoms and i am left wondering why they feel totally lost to the void. but that's all part of the deal, i guess, and quite often more related to my own ignorance of what is currently trendy

#16 At what point in the process do you come up with titles?

it really depends on the fic but very very rarely is the title conceived before the story. maybe for original fiction -- actually exclusively for original fiction do i do that. for fanfics i write the fic and then in the seconds before i post on ao3 i hail mary a title out of whatever divine inspiration is in that moment directly beamed into my brain from the heavens. usually in the form of song lyrics.

[forabeatofadrum]

Thank you @cerriddwenluna for the tag.

Rules: List your "top 10" (or up to 10 if you haven't written that many) fics ranked by kudos on AO3. Are you surprised by what's most popular to your readers? Then, under a cut, provide your ranking of your personal top 10 fics (with explanations if you want!), and then tag a few fellow writers!

I admit I didn’t know if I should do the top 10 for Glee fics only, since that’s the fandom we share, or all my fics, so, uh, I did both.

Top 10 According to Readers, Glee Edition:

Myosotis sylvatica (73,167 words) - 151

I’m still alive and I’m still getting love (20,782 words) - 149

Mendacious (27,179 words) - 136

All the pretty things that we could be (70,071 words) - 113

Everything changed (2,642 words) - 113  

I really, really like you (1,575 words) - 107

I’d cry a river just for you (30,541 words) - 106

The Critic (5,322 words) - 92

Ik was meteen ondersteboven. (1,544 words) - 87

It's about time (19,183 words) - 81

I am not surprised about the first 4. I’m still alive is actually a Brittana fic and for a very long time it was indeed my most kudo’d Glee fic, which surprised me. I was aware of this because ironically that is the only fic that ever got a nasty comment, so it was kind of funny to me. “This is so stupid”, babe, people clearly don’t agree. Everything changed is also a crossover with Check, Please!, but I suppose it counts since it is still a Glee fic. Apart from that, all I can say is that I hoped River fic was a bit higher which leads to:

My Top 10 Glee fics:

I’d cry a river just for you (lol)

All the pretty things that we could be

Mysotis series (I always see the 5 parts as one whole, even though sylvatica is the main one)

Mendacious

Barking Up The Wrong Bakery

Ljubim te (yes, it is still a WIP)

Seven am

Anyway series (even though I haven’t reread that one in years)

It’s about time

aap noot mies

I guess it is kind of sad that I struggled with this list after no. 5 😬. Like, I literally sat here going “uhhhh.... aap noot mies, I guess? Kinda? Hmmm.”

There’s just a lot of older stuff that I don’t really remember. I’m sure they’re fine and that I will like them if I reread them. I only knew of two fics that I definitely did not want on the list, but most of the 68 fics are just kind of “in limbo”.

And also I gotta say that no. 1 to 4 kind of share a spot. Those are just my fave fics that I have written and I do not want to pit these bad bitches against each other but alas 😔. I put River fic on one because I feel like that one is the best in “technical” sense. All the pretty things was a fucking experience. So was Myosotis and I loved the universe I created for it. And Mendacious challenged me. If they are no. 1, then Bakery fic is no. 2 because it amused me so much.

Anyway, moving on...

Top 10 According to Readers, All of It:

Everything will be alright (Brooklyn Nine-Nine) (2,566 words) - 626

All shall know the wonder (Check Please!) (11,869 words) - 470

The last to know (Check Please!) (2,579 words) - 467

How lucky we are to be alive right now (Carry On) (1,625 words) - 414

Times are hard for dreamers (Check Please!) (4,595 words) - 285

A rip in time (Whoniverse) (67,972 words) - 249      

Seal the darkness (Carry On) (3,396 words) - 247 

The 2020 Young America New Year’s Eve Gala (Red White & Royal Blue) (2,819 words) - 238

Mr. Grimm-Pitch and Mr. Snow, In The Library, With a Snog (Carry On) (2,877 words) - 231

Feel on top of the world (Check Please!) (917 words) - 212

Okay. Woah. Good thing I split the categories because I genuinely had no idea Glee isn’t in my top 10. I am shook. Myosotis sylvatica is on no. 14! A Love, Victor fic has more kudos than my Glee fics. I didn’t even like Love, Victor which is why I wrote fix-its and missing scenes for it! Not gonna lie, this kind of saddens me. Or maybe sadden is too harsh. I don’t know. It makes me feel something. Glee is my main and my longest fandom (not counting Winx Club) (I will write that Winx Club/Glee crossover fic one day that is a threat) (to me).

I knew that the B99 was the most kudo’d because it accompanied a post that I made on Tumblr and that one also got a lot of notes. I’m happy All shall know the wonder is on no. 2 because I love that one. I am still so amused by people liking my Doctor Who clusterfuck. How lucky we are to be alive right now was my first Carry On fic and it definitely no longer represents how I write for this fandom, so the fact that it’s the most-well known (which I also knew) gives me mixed feelings because on one hand I look back on it with fondness in an “awww look at that wee baby” feeling, but on the other hand I’m like “please, read my later stuff”.

Speaking of the later stuff:

My Top 10 Non-Glee fics:

Paradiso series (Carry On)

All shall know the wonder (Check, Please!)

Time After Time (Carry On)

make a fire out of this flame (Carry On)

The Naked Truth (Carry On)

There’s nothing ironic about show choir (Carry On)

Times are hard for dreamers (Check, Please!)

My rose-coloured boy (Carry On)

The 2020 Young America New Year’s Eve Gala (Red, White & Royal Blue)

The Sarah Jane Extended Universe (The Sarah Jane Adventures)

Does SJAEU even count? It’s not even a fic! But my fucking God I love my SJAEU. If it does not count, swap it with Call Me Maybe (Carry On). I am not surprised that my Carry On and Check, Please! fics make up most of the list, since apart from Glee, those are the fandoms I’ve written the most for. Carry On has definitely taken over, though, so what I said for Glee also applies to Check, Please!: there are some fics that I probably really like but it’s been a while since I read them (*cough*Midnight confessions*cough*). But yeah as I mentioned, my most kudo’d Carry On fic is my first. I am not surprised that Mr. Grimm-Pitch and Mr. Snow is my second highest kudo’d one for that fandom, because I love that one, but I just love other fics more. But even then, if I look at my personal top 10 I do feel like all of them were well-received (apart from SJAEU, but I don’t expect it to get a lot of hits since it is super niche, and My rose-coloured boy which is in my eyes my most underappreciated fic in Carry On, like, come on, it’s only 891 words long!) and I always love it when people kudo and comment on my fics.

Reader appreciation moment!!! Weeeeeh ✨✨✨

Since I feel like this challenge is already spreading among the Klainers, lemme tag some Snowbazzians (I am keeping that term): @facewithoutheart @martsonmars @artsyunderstudy @captain-aralias @cutestkilla

[mint-yooxgi]

Rover was fantastic! The story building, pacing, technicalities and sheer work that went into it- bravo!

It definitely was NOT my type of story but I couldn't help but get roped in. It took me about 20 minutes to read but if feels like I just watched a two hour film! You said this was made to make us feel things, and feel things I did!

First of all, Jongin was such a shitty man. I don’t care whatever justifications there were, he did NOT belong with reader. There were many microdetails (that Kai picked up on throughout the entire piece) that showed how severly neglected reader was. My heart broke during the lovemaking scene because that was ALL for Jongin. She wanted all of that but only from Jongin. She really had the wool pulled over her eyes and coming from such a damaged home, she deserved better!

Kai wasn't faultless either. I expected he didn't truly love reader but I'll get into that later. From the time it mentioned he used other women to ease his pain, it had me going hmmm. Kai did love her deeply, but more as an idea or possession. As reader said, he wanted to own her. Of course he would, he's never had anything of his own! He loved her 'first' as he said. He should know that first doesn’t matter when it comes to love. Unfortunately for reader, who loved her first and who loved her best, who loved her at all, these still were not pure love. It was a selfish love that served Jongin and Kai and their sick inferiority complexes. Reader truly loved Jongin though, ohhhh my heart aches for her. The tenderness and forgiveness, she was such a rock and safe place- one that was taken for granted and used time and time again, a pawn in a game between brothers.

What a ride! Thank you soooo much for a whopping 25k whole ass movie hahah. I followed for the yandere!yeosang but this pulled me in and had me cursing madly at my screen almost the entire time. Reader is my sunshine and Jongin and Kai can go fuck themselves 🤬. Fantastic story telling and AMAZING plot set up. From the mission to all the happenings inbetween. The amount of details packed in this story was jaw dropping. I'm in awe! Also the thriller/horror elements were great. I liked the perspective you used, letting the reader know that Jongin was NOT Jongin and having to watch reader be fooled. Also, the part about the rings, when reader sounds Kai out and makes him admit that he killed his brother. And the part where she says their trademark line and Kai says the sun has already risen. Genius! I like that you had Kai be crazy in the end and didn't have the reader feed into his delusions that he's a savior of sorts or a 'better man'. A mad who loved her wouldn't have pointed a gun at her, he wouldn't put his love before her life. Absolutely AMAZING! thank you for writing and sharing it!

Oh my goodness! Thank you so very much for such a lovely message!! I remember seeing it come in last night before I went to sleep and it made my entire evening - I couldn't stop giggling and kicking my feet like a cricket beneath my sheets hehehe

First of all, thank you so much for reading even though it wasn't your type of story!! The fact that you even gave it a chance, and then sent me this lovely ask about it afterwards means the world to me!

Oh yeah, Jongin was definitely not a good person. Neither was Kai, nor OC a lot of the times. Just unhealthy dynamics all around honestly! And yes!!! Exactly!!! OC always wanted that 'lovey-dovey romantic talk' but Jongin would never give it to her. It's part of what makes the events in this story such a tragedy, because now we'll never know if Jongin was even capable of giving that to the OC. Oc truly did deserve better!

I absolutely adore your observations on Kai and Jongin's relationship dynamics with the OC and how they had a selfish, self-fulfilling love of her. I'm literally smiling rereading everything you have to say, and I enjoy how you were able to pick up on the subtle things I write into the story!! Thank you so much!!

I cannot thank you enough for leaving such wonderful feedback for me, it truly means a lot that you enjoyed the story!! I really do appreciate it so much!! I hope to continue producing stories like this in the future which are just as captivating and thought-provoking as this one.

Until then, happy reading!! 🥰

[bleue-flora]

Ask game time! 40, 41, 58, 60, ... I could go on forever so lets stop here for now :)

40. If someone were to make fanart of your work, what fic or scene would you hope to see?

Umm easy, hopscotch torture from Misery Loves Another Idiot With A Jukebox Where His Soul Should Be - Ch 7 One (Is The Loneliest Number). Like come on it’d be so funny, someone please make this.

Runner up would be Techno crowing Dream from If The Crown Fits, Wear It or even Dream tied to a chair with Sam’s sword to his throat from Hell in a Box - Ch 1 “I don’t think I want you to forget.”

41. Do you tend to reread fics or are you a one-and-done kind of person?

Depends. No Rest For The Wicked was the first fic I ever read and I connected with it so much I read it like at least 3 times over the course of a month.

I read a lot of fics before I had an account so I sometimes end up accidentally rereading some of the ones that I read and gave kudos to before as a guest.

I am currently reading like probably close to 70ish fics in progress so when a new chapter drops I often don’t remember what was going on and reread either the entire thing or the last three chapters just to read the new one and understand what’s going on. (Which is why I’ve started trying to leave bookmarks that remind me what story I’m reading. Lol XD)

And for some reason, sometimes I get in the mood to reread a specific segment of someone else’s fic or more commonly my own fic. Whether that’s because something triggered my memory of it or like I’m just in the mood for it, I don’t know.

58. What part of the writing process do you enjoy the most? (Brainstorming, outlining, writing, editing, etc) 

Oh that’s a hard question. I can tell you that my least favorite part is writing dialogue. lol… Hmmm probably the writing part itself, because that’s when I finally have the more complete picture of the scene in my head and there is something satisfying about bringing it to life on paper. Though I am also addicted to editing but I suspect that is more of my perfectionist tendency and lack of confidence then pure enjoyment.

60. Have you had a writer you admire comment on your fic? What was that like?

Yes, and it feels really good. It like causes it to feel more tangible if that makes sense. Like anyone commenting or giving kudos always feels really really nice <3 <3 but also for me I still struggle to believe that they are like true and not just being nice. But to have someone who I admire, is much more popular and renown comment it definitely further helps me believe everyone’s sincerity. Hopefully that makes sense… <3 <3

[thehealingsystem]

top 5 cg chapters and top 5 mp100 characters for the top 5 ask game :]

OH. okay. hmmm these will probs all be c!henry centric

1. The Ink Demon

Where do I start. This chapter...perfect ending for the first part. Couldn't even think about anything better than this. Every time I even GLANCE at the ending it gives me the feels. What happened there, Henry having to trust Joey and work with him ("What about you?" GJSJFHSHHFF), the Ink Demon finally given a soul, just the pure shock + Henry reflecting on his past compared to his present. Him IMMEDIATELY adopting Bendy, seeing how he changed. And ending it off with "Now what?" Just....yes

2. Those Still, Soft Spaces

I reread this chapter a lot. Filled with fluff yet its just so...sad. I'm SO GLAD Henry got to have those moments by himself, alone, just letting himself feel and experience the world for the first time in years. Actually realizing that the time loop was broken, that he was free. Even when he had given up hope a long time ago. Him being so damn happy over chex mix of all things was just so adorable but also just so :( this chapter just hits so hard. Him crying with pure happiness, plus the toons actually getting to have a proper introduction with him. I love it

3. Blackout

This chapter was so terrifying...C!Henry IMMEDIATELY stepped up to the plate here. And seeing HS!Henry do so as well despite his fear was refreshing. We got a special moment with the Henries bc of it, but also that fight...C!Henry is so badass, but I hate how this is just his norm. And that NIGHTMARE. A part of me wants it to be more than a nightmare, and considering the theme of CG it probably was, but also does he need to suffer more. does he. the answer is no

I do have a fic in the drafts for this chapter from a different perspective (gonna be mostly hs!joey tho not solely him). When am I gonna finish it? I have no idea. But I really want to see what it was like for the rest of them. But I'm glad we got to see C!Henry's dream

Also it seems that he's gained some respect points from that fight. It clearly shows in recent chapters. "Henry'll be there!" "If anyone could keep it check, it'd be him"  “Besides, ah, Henry, he’s proven he’s not a pushover. I’ll be fine" He's gained some trust from others, they rely on him to protect them now (I personally think it should be the other way around...but I'm glad they see his reliability)

4. There's A Lot to Unpack Here...

This chapter hurts, but it was expected. Honestly it would've been better if they had known what to expect. I mean, I would too be pissed if a guy I used to be friends with had trapped me in a time loop for years, only to be suddenly brought to a separate world where nothing had ever gone wrong and that very same man's counterpart was also there, while also completely misunderstanding just what had happened there. When they started DEFENDING HIS JOEY....he got SO PISSED. I don't blame him at all ("How can you be sure it was even his fault?" Susie sweetie I know you mean well but omfg)

5. Story Time

Ah! An AWRB chapter! Finally! I was waiting for this to happen. And damn that hurt! He needed to actually admit what happened and not keep it all inside, but I feel bad for Al and Tom. Imagine finding out your entire life is a lie? Gonna be even worse when they find out who they used to be. It would probably also result in them also having their grudge against Joey. And HS!Joey's gonna feel even worse than he already does

OH and it was DEFINITELY him who eavesdropped on their conversation. We've had absolute radio silence from him on his part, and all he's done is been holed up in his office. If he's trying to find a solution for Sammy/Sam, or something more (cause believe me, why wouldn't he try to fix their side after hearing that?), I don't know

I think I'm gonna answer the second one in a separate post...don't want it too long + mp100 is too off topic for this

For anyone curious, this is about this fanfic. It's super amazing, so I suggest if you like bendy you should read it!

[bbyboybucket]

For the ask game - 1, 3, 14, 20, 21, 42

Thanks for asking love 😚

1. ONE SHOTS. I can’t do multi chapter. Even way back in my early fanfic days, I would try to do them and then I’d just never finish them, I’d never update again. For me, they start strong and with every chapter the quality greatly declines. And even if I do finish a multi chapter, it’ll be deleted in like a month bc I’ll hate it so much 😂 I just stay far away from them

3. I’m a lazy writer most of the time 😭. Usually either I’m day dreaming about a scenario or I just have vague idea/headcanon. And I mean sometimes it is VAGUE, like borderline nothing. Then I think to myself “hmmm. this could maybe be entertaining to other people.” Then I brainstorm how to turn it into a story and make a little note of the important stuff I wanna include, or if I’m feeling fancy I do an outline. Then I write all the fun stuff or whatever pops first up in my stream of consciousness, and then I go back in later and connect the all dots lol.

14. When I do emotional stuff, I definitely do draw from experience sometimes but I always try to put myself in whatever characters shoes and try to imagine that feeling. But I only base off myself to an extent because you know, you have to go off of your character’s personality and obviously how I feel things is different than what they would.

But I draw from sympathy a lot too? Like I kinda think about what would make me wanna comfort them the most 😂 Another thing when it comes to emotional writing is I try to mix in an objective stand point, if that makes sense? I feel like I need to do that to keep things grounded and from being over dramatized, but I def still get carried away sometimes 😂

I feel like none of this answer made sense so I hope you kinda get what I’m saying lol

20. I definitely have my things. I write friends to lovers so much it’s my staple. Wether it’s self insert or a ship, I always do it. I do banter a lot, even if it’s just a little bit off the top of my head and half-assed, banter always makes an appearance. I haven’t reread my own stuff in a while, so I can’t think of specifics but I know for sure that there’s words and phrases that I reuse a lot.

21. I’ve honestly never really thought about it before but I probably would be open to it bc two heads are better than one. Especially since I hold myself back bc my weakness is more plot intensive things, I usually can only come up with half the idea, so I definitely feel like I’d enjoy mixing my half with someone else’s. I also just think it’d be fun because it’d be catered to me but it’d feel fresh because parts of it would come from another person

42. Holding Onto You by SunsetMaiden. It’s so very cute and sweet, it’s very domestic and I think they write both Sam and Bucky very well, so I def do recommend. Sadly I couldn’t get the link to work though 😔

[btscontentenjoyer]

If none of the previous parts had solidified how much these two love each other (which they have ofc) this one absolutely did. Honestly I read this a few days ago and it still makes me emotional thinking about it.

So first of all, the thought has crossed my mind a couple of times before about how they deal with things when Jungkook is away, especially in the earlier stages of their relationship, so to see that that was the catalist of this was so 😔 But also it totally makes sense too, because of course the only reason why they would ever talk about breaking up isn't because one of them intentionally hurt the other because they would never do that 🥺🥺🥺

"you inhale a deep, shaky breath in a fragile attempt of keeping your composure. you want to scream, rip apart this thick tension with your bare hands, and force him to admit that this is just some kind of sick joke. you finally see him in person after months and all he has for you is a gift bag filled to the brim with heartbreak. this is too casually cruel, not something you would’ve expected from your jungkook." The way it never once felt right during this whole part to see them apart or hurting because of the other 🥺🥺🥺 So I totally get OC here, they are just so made for each other to the point where it doesn't make sense for them not to be together.

"and here you are at present day: spending the cozy sunday night solving chemistry problems on your desk. you have a blue bandaid plastered on your face and a cheek full of fruit and honey. and you would say you’re fine, but jungkook wasn’t here to sweetly dote on you while treating your wound. he isn’t here to taste the honey from your lips with that coquettish smirk of his. he isn’t laying on your bed, fighting to stay awake because he wants to fall asleep with you as his pillow." 😭😭😭 again, it just doesn't feel right at all 😭😭😭

“i would never do that to you. just the thought alone fucking disgusts me… you’re the only one. you’ve ruined me for everybody else.” The last line!!!!! I wish there was a fist slamming a table emoji because that was me in my bed when I read this. How could he say this when he's trying to break up with OC 😭😭😭😭

"you release a shaky breath, patting his rosy cheeks dry with your sleeves. you smile at him kindly, and he watches you in sheer disbelief. he can’t fathom the perpetual luck he’s been blessed with that he met, who he believes to be, the purest soul to grace this corrupted world. they’re damp with your tears, so it’s practically useless, but the sweet gesture is a stray beam of sunlight in the midst of the dull gray clouds." OC is just the sweetest, most precious person in the world who deserves to never cry and always be smiling and laughing 🥺🥺🥺

"jungkook shakes his head wistfully, wiping away the tears that slid down his nose. he is dying to send you a text message, worried sick, and still used to hearing about your day the same way he is used to sleeping on his stomach." Something about that last line really got me. Even rereading it now has me going 🥺.

“you’re the first person i’ve fallen in love with, do you know that?” How could they ever leave each other's presence after saying things like this???? 😭😭😭

"our brain is a very complex friend… but you know, everything i’ve been through as myself and as a part of our team, hmmm, they taught me that there are times when a problem doesn’t necessarily need a solution per se. you just keep going until the fog clears up and then you move past it.” and “this won’t last forever and time slips away from us without us even noticing. you should do what you want to do. if we’re going to deprive ourselves of good things, what will we have left after everything is over? money we can’t spend in one lifetime? there’s no happiness in that.” and “your motivation to work out after our shows is so you can stay awake and spend time with her. that’s why you fall asleep everywhere else. do you know how scary and endearing it is to watch that? is that what you call ‘not being committed enough’?” and "Eat lots and stay healthy! I’m feeding Jungkook well too. Don’t worry. — Yoongi" All of Yoongi's parts were honestly so amazing. You got his wise and comforting advice just right, Art 🥺🥺🥺

Also I loved Tae and Joon's cameos too! And now I'm curious what Tae's situation is too because 👀👀👀

"he wants to drink until he forgets that he has hands, until he forgets what it feels like to touch you." Painful and so so beautiful ugh.

“when we move houses again, i won’t have stories like these to bring with me. the new ghosts will be my memories with ___.” Literally every single part of this story broke me, I was on the verge of tears for so long 😭😭😭

"he presses his cheek to the bunny’s. “i accept. we do look alike, but my eyes are so much bigger.” He's literally so cute!!! The flashback had me smiling though my tears :')

"because if your relationship with jungkook is truly doomed to fail, you want to watch its foundation collapse on the ground, burnt down to gray and black ashes that disintegrate when you try to grasp them in your hands… with good grace, it’s the only way for you to believe that there’s no more home to come home to." Your beautiful writing makes everything even more heartbreaking, Art.

“i tried living without you like you wanted- but i can’t-” you hiccup in between small sobs on the other line. “i love you, jungkook. i can’t live carrying around all this love with me. it’s too heavy…” And this is where the tears that had been in my eyes the entire time actually started falling. The line about the love OC has for him being too heavy to carry hit me so incredibly hard 😭😭😭

“we need to move in together.” he grumbles to himself as he enters your unit, relocking the door behind him. he removes his sneakers, neatly setting them down beside your pairs of shoes by the doormat." I found this so cute!!! Just the fact that they're always imagining a future together even earlier in their relationship 🥺🥺🥺 That's also probably why they couldn't take not being together either 😭😭😭

Also the neighbour parts took me out lol, made me smile through the pain a little.

"he pads on the wooden floor with his white toe socks, looking around the dark and quiet living room." The toe socks!!!! You always always add the most adorable Jungkook details in your stories and it's the cutest thing in the world. It makes me smile every time I spot them.

“i’m upset.” you admit after a few beats, not seeing the point in sugarcoating it. “it hurts when i remember you saying that. and i understand you but… but i don’t like that you decided alone for us. if you do that again… then it will be over between us.” The open and honest communication was so great to see!!!

"you wish jungkook could be kinder to himself, treat himself with the same gentleness that comes so naturally with you. why is it that humans find loving themselves so laborious? why does being have to come with such a curse?" Art, your words speak to my soul so deeply 😭😭😭

“you don’t have to be strong all the time. i’m not asking for that.” you shake your head, voicing out yourself in a tone so soothing and illuminating. “i don’t want to go anywhere far away from you so think of yourself, too. i told you before, it’s okay to hold on to me. i’m also strong.” I love OC with my entire heart and soul 🥺🥺🥺

"he wants to grieve for all the wasted time because everyday, he craved for this. to be honest, he forgets his name when he’s kissing you. outside, the crowds scream his name for being the best at what he does best, and he happily lives for the euphoria of it all. but in this room, there is only you and him. you communicate using the unspoken language of love with your lips. you bare the soft animal in yourselves with your teeth sinking in the other’s skin. you allow your rawest desires and truths to unravel with a slip of the tongue. he exists beyond his name, becomes an indecipherable enigma even to himself. what is the use of an explanation if there is no meaning anyway? all he knows is that he loves you despite all the reasons, against all the reasons." I don't know if I've ever teared up from a make out scene before, but now I can say that I have. This was just so so incredible beautiful. The writing, the culmination of all of their emotions, the amount of love in all of it is just stunning.

"jumbled thoughts. a letter shoved at the back of the mailbox. a hesitant confession. a bittersweet reminder that says: a wound does not magically disappear overnight. it requires the proper treatment to heal correctly, and even then, it might still leave a scar." 🥺🥺🥺

Art, you are such an amazing writer. I'm kind of speechless at the end of this but I just want you to know that your words make me feel so deeply and I'm so thankful for them. This time I kind of just put all of my favourite lines with my not so coherent thoughts next to them because I just loved so many parts of this and they've all left such a big impact on me.

P. S. I just went through the in which masterlist to just read the titles because I love them and I actually started tearing up and getting emotional thinking of all of the beautiful moments we've seen of them 🥺🥺🥺

summary: in which jungkook is giving up on you but you have so much love left to give.

> idol!jungkook x f!reader / angst, fluff, suggestive / wc: 8k

> warnings: mention of infidelity (no one did u can breathe ily), mention of a classmate slipping their number in oc’s pocket and oc feeling unsafe, mention of puking, mentions & allusion to s/x, alcohol consumption, making out, boob!e fondle, grinding kinda? jungkook is hard™️ they’re so in love it’s sickening

playlist! and if/or when - ruel / hate everything - jungkook cover (gsoul) / hits different - taylor swift / statue - lil’ eddie / i wouldn’t ask you - clairo (i had to get in the zone & this is so oc-coded i need u to listen i’m so srs)

— in which masterlist!

note: this was a journey. happened back in 2019.!! i’m ripping off the bandaid <3 deep sigh writing this made me realize how my babies have come so far. hopefully will follow up with a fluffy fluff lowkey inspired by the underwear live soonest lols i’m excited for it 2 stay tuned 🫂

—

you forgot the walls of the apartment building you’re living in are thin. a small portion of the white paint has been chipped off, it looks like a birth mark, you note — except it’s not, and you’re the one who caused the irregularity.

your favorite glass is scattered across the kitchen floor, reduced to shards and to sparkling pieces almost as miniscule as dust. you don’t know what came over you. you don’t know why you threw it at the wall instead of filling it with cold water to only taking three sips like you usually do.

just when you thought you’ve been faring well in holding yourself together today, a fresh wave of sorrow overwhelms you. your knees buckle as you begin weeping, the loudest you’ve been since this nightmare has started. it swallows the knocking sounds at your door, but it’s still not loud enough to quell jungkook’s quivering voice playing like a broken record on loop inside your head.

“we should end this… i think it’s for the best, before we get drained.”

the rain is coming down fiercely and you’re freezing inside his car, parked outside your apartment. after all, his balenciaga windbreaker can only do so much against the blasted airconditioner. your throat is painfully dry, and your hands and face are numb from the piercing cold. but those are the least of your concerns because you feel like your head had just been dunked in ice water. the sting in your eyes are burning warmer as the seconds fly by and the muffled sounds of the torrential raindrops drum frantically in your ears. they’re clouding the car windows, mirroring jungkook’s tear-stained cheeks.

“i’m leaving again in three weeks. and i’m leaving again next year… and i’ll be gone again soon after that. i-i don’t know when i’m coming home, ___.” he pauses. the heel of palms press against his eyes, as if that could possibly barricade the saltwater leaking from them. “i never know where my life is taking me and you have your own… there’s too much-too much going on. i think that i’m just wasting your time, that this isn’t- it’s not going anywhere.”

“open the door! hello?! ___!”

“what do you want?!” you seeth in annoyance, swinging the door open to reveal your pesky neighbor.

he scratches the top of his head awkwardly at the sight of the mess that you greeted him with, having not bothered to pretend that you weren’t wailing your heart out.

”hey, i know you’re going through something…” his lips remain parted as he struggles to find the correct word, his right eye twitching voluntarily. “soul-crushing? right now. but i heard glass breaking and i was concerned that you, uhm, might’ve hurt yourself.”

the apparent nervousness and sincerity in his actions pull you out from the isolating disassociation you’ve imprisoned yourself in. you feel humiliated, presenting yourself in your most pitiful form infront of a kid two years younger than you. you envy him for having it together after storming out of his parents’ house while you-

“i’m not hurt. it was just an accident.”

you’re shamelessly lying infront of his face because the truth makes you feel too ashamed of yourself.

he only nods, smiling in relief. “i don’t know how to help make you feel better, so i just brought honey like i used to do before.”

you sigh, the familiar jar of honey and its red checkered lid waving at you like an old friend. has it been a year?

“bro, i told you i can’t accept this anymore.”

“you and your boyfriend already broke up. what’s the big deal?”

you have never wanted to smack someone more, the genuine confusion painted on his face feels like an infuriatingly harsh slap to yours.

“he wasn’t threatened by your honey, you dipshit. we just found out my blood sugar was getting a bit high!”

“oh- i’m so-”

you angrily slam the door shut. the silence you’re left with is suffocating, and you find yourself breaking down again.

he jumps in surprise when you open the door again, yelling- “and we’re not broken up!” before ripping away the jar of honey from his sweaty palms. he’s left completely flabbergasted, an inexplicable heaviness weighing on his chest when he hears your sniffling from the other side of the hard-wood.

“does that mean i can deliver again next week? i have too much in my kitchen…”

he doesn’t receive a snarky answer, surprisingly, so he continues talking.

“and f-y-i, your left cheek is bleeding! you might want to check on that!”

—

“you didn’t even give me any signs…”

you inhale a deep, shaky breath in a fragile attempt of keeping your composure. you want to scream, rip apart this thick tension with your bare hands, and force him to admit that this is just some kind of sick joke. you finally see him in person after months and all he has for you is a gift bag filled to the brim with heartbreak. this is too casually cruel, not something you would’ve expected from your jungkook.

“do you really mean that? or is there something else you’re not saying…? look at me.” you plead, weakly tugging at the hem of his long-sleeved shirt. the horrors of long-distance relationship stories claw their way out of your skin, adding fuel to the fire of your deepest fear. “you didn’t cheat on me, right? that can’t be it. we- we always-”

after you ended your last relationship, you cried at the parking lot of your university and continued living your life the next morning as if nothing happened at all. you did it all for yourself, anyway. he was gradually tearing down your confidence and your dignity; and you didn’t want to become a person the future you would despise for not being wiser, stronger.

and here you are at present day: spending the cozy sunday night solving chemistry problems on your desk. you have a blue bandaid plastered on your face and a cheek full of fruit and honey. and you would say you’re fine, but jungkook wasn’t here to sweetly dote on you while treating your wound. he isn’t here to taste the honey from your lips with that coquettish smirk of his. he isn’t laying on your bed, fighting to stay awake because he wants to fall asleep with you as his pillow.

no matter how hard you try to shut out this thought, it keeps knocking on the door. he’s going to be doing these sweet nothings for a different person when he finally reaches a more stable place in his life. you want to kneel on the ground, beg the heavens to meddle with destiny and never let you hear about it.

because that means he will never set foot in your apartment again, and the personal belongings you left in his room will be thrown out to erase the traces you left behind.

so this is how it begins.

the ugliest parts of you are swimming to the surface, tying themselves around your ankles because jungkook took away the ground from beneath your feet after unearthing your soul and… nothing makes sense to you anymore. if you wake up every morning to tend to your garden, and you look outside the window to learn that the sun has stopped burning, what do you have left?

your lips inevitably curve into a frown, but you inhale a sharp breath, patting your eyes dry before they can smudge the black ink on your notepad. and then you dip a strawberry in honey for the third time.

—

“no, baby, no- that’s not it.”

the dread and insecurity weaved into the cracks of your voice fill him with nausea and panic. he captures your frigid hand with haste, firmly holding it to his pounding chest.

“i would never do that to you. just the thought alone fucking disgusts me… you’re the only one. you’ve ruined me for everybody else.”

“then why are you giving up on me? am i becoming a burden?”

jungkook feels painfully numb, mind floating as the buildings outside the window get left behind him as a mere, passing blur.

“yah, jungkook-ah. are you crying?”

a torturous moment of silence passes as he struggles to find his voice. his tongue is tied, and his lost eyes are betraying the nights he spent practicing how to explain himself to you. back then, the reasoning he curated made sense. but faced with the consequences of his actions, the love of his life’s brain running a thousand miles per hour, recording a tale of woe and heartache on his passenger seat — he has never felt this much loathing for himself and his weaknesses.

you release a shaky breath, patting his rosy cheeks dry with your sleeves. you smile at him kindly, and he watches you in sheer disbelief. he can’t fathom the perpetual luck he’s been blessed with that he met, who he believes to be, the purest soul to grace this corrupted world. they’re damp with your tears, so it’s practically useless, but the sweet gesture is a stray beam of sunlight in the midst of the dull gray clouds.

the comforting rubs on his shoulder extracts him from his torturous thoughts, and only then does he feel the wetness on his face.

“you’ve been holding it back for the past week. just cry it out.”

he nods wordlessly, hiding himself in the fleece blanket from his lap. yoongi can feel a lump forming in his throat as he witnesses his youngest brother breaking down, jungkook’s pain also being his pain. as a group who’s been living together for the past decade, no one will be able to empathize with them as well each other. especially during times like this.

“___ hasn’t called?”

jungkook shakes his head wistfully, wiping away the tears that slid down his nose. he is dying to send you a text message, worried sick, and still used to hearing about your day the same way he is used to sleeping on his stomach.

“hyung,” the sound of the word borders on a sob. “it’s over. this is killing me… it’s all my fault.”

“but isn’t that what you wanted?”

“exactly. so why am i crying?” his hands ball into closed fists. “i’m an asshole.”

“enough of that!” yoongi loudly whines out his scolding. ”we all know you had your reason.”

“but, hyung, i fucked up!” he tenses up, blurting out the acknowledgement that’s been haunting him day and night. “she told me the most romantic thing and i felt so… fuck, i’m so angry at myself. i ruined everything. and i’m scared that i’d end up making things worse if i try fixing it.”

“stop beating yourself up. we can’t solve things this way.” yoongi grabs a bottle of water from the cupholder between them, twisting the cap open before handing it to jungkook. “drink first.”

once he starts drinking, he realizes that his throat has been awfully dry and sore. it’s most probably best for him to rest his voice. he can already foresee the concert rehearsal being absolute hell tomorrow. if he can’t sing, he doesn’t know how else he’s supposed to keep himself sane.

“talk to me. what did she say?”

“you’re the first person i’ve fallen in love with, do you know that?”

and with that revelation, he loses the warmth of your touch, and he comes crashing down like a wingless aircraft.

“i also need time to think about it. that’s only fair, right? that i get to decide, too…?” you swallow thickly, lips parting as if the words are resisting to come out of your mouth.

he looks at you with an emotion you can’t name, a push and pull between longing and trepidation.

if this was a movie, he would brave the rain and somehow perfectly deliver a poetically romantic speech that would sway your heart. if this was a movie, you would take a warm bath together, make out in the bathtub, and make love on your bed. if this was a movie, the day would end with the two of you tangled up, peacefully asleep and rhythmic breathing in sync. but he knows you. apparently not as well as he thought, but to some extent, he knows you. if he pulls you closer in the heat of the moment, you would feel suffocated and defensive and you would push him away; and he would lose you for good. that much he knows. so he lets you leave and he stays in the car— heartbroken, crestfallen, and regretful, because he might’ve just recklessly thrown away the best gift the universe has ever given him.

“i was thinking about how she never would’ve made this much sacrifices and efforts for anyone else and i feel like… i- it’s all going to waste because our future is uncertain. i can’t be committed to her as much as she is committed to me. and, and i felt like the guilt was eating away at me, you know? i wasn’t thinking straight.” jungkook chews on his bottom lip, a last ditch effort to prevent himself from sobbing. “it just… consumed me? like i was drowning… and all i could smell and taste was the saltwater.”

“i see,” yoongi sighs, crossing his legs and intertwining his fingers infront of his stomach as he finds the right words to say. “that’s a normal response. our brain is a very complex friend… but you know, everything i’ve been through as myself and as a part of our team, hmmm, they taught me that there are times when a problem doesn’t necessarily need a solution per se. you just keep going until the fog clears up and then you move past it.”

fuck, jungkook needs a glass of whiskey. or two. or twelve. he listens intently despite seeming like he’s spacing out.

“this won’t last forever and time slips away from us without us even noticing. you should do what you want to do. if we’re going to deprive ourselves of good things, what will we have left after everything is over? money we can’t spend in one lifetime? there’s no happiness in that.”

yoongi frowns, wishing he could do more to alleviate the weight hanging on jungkook’s shoulders.

“you deserve love outside all the noise, too. focus on the present which you can still control and deal with the future when it arrives. if you do otherwise, you’ll just be tormenting yourself… and i know it’s easier said than done but! do you want to hear something i’ve had on my mind lately?”

with a flushed face and swollen eyes, he tilts his head to curiously spy on his hyung.

“what is it?”

“your motivation to work out after our shows is so you can stay awake and spend time with her. that’s why you fall asleep everywhere else. do you know how scary and endearing it is to watch that? is that what you call ‘not being committed enough’?”

yoongi fails to hide his gummy smile, body vibrating with silent laughter as pictures of jungkook falling asleep standing up flash before his eyes.

“seriously, you punk! you scare me! i just pass out and die straight after while you- really, you’re really unbelievable. i envy you. for being able to love with everything you have until they break your heart. i mean it!”

“but i’m the one who broke their heart this time.” jungkook somberly utters in defeat, bottom lip jutting out and chin quivering.

yoongi encouragingly pats his shoulder, shaking his body lightly. ”you can make it up to her. she’ll reach out before we leave. have some more patience.”

jungkook’s eyes turn into slits, suspiciously squinting at the man sitting beside him. “why do you sound so sure?”

“because she loves you. why else?”

—

you automatically pause from eating cup ramyeon when your phone lights up on top of the journals you’ve been reviewing for the past hour.

“ah, shit! shit!”

you abruptly cover your mouth with your hand, exhausted eyes watering because you accidentally bit your tongue after reading the name of the sender of your newest text notification. you take sips of cold water, peering at your phone as you do so. your hands itch to type out a response, but the screen dies and turns black, another of yoongi’s messages in the same pile of unanswered ones from your friends checking up on you tonight. you can’t talk to anyone right now; you need to get shit done.

after eating your dinner at the convenience store, you come home to a plastic of fried chicken hanging on the doorknob of your front door.

Eat lots and stay healthy! I’m feeding Jungkook well too. Don’t worry. — Yoongi

you peel off the blue handwritten note, sticking it on the cover of one of your books. you carefully carry the food using your free hand, and you can feel it radiating on your skin, the heat of a freshly-cooked meal. you were always worried of being a bother when you occasionally ask him how jungkook is doing, but this made your heart significantly lighter. gaining a good friend after losing your lover, perhaps life can show a smidge of mercy when it wants to.

too bad you’ve always been one to be greedy.

—

“ah, seriously. why did you have to break up with ___?”

“we’ve been through this a million times!” jungkook exclaims in exasperation as he fiddles with the controller, bumping his knee with taehyung’s. “focus. you’re supposed to be helping me forget.”

“i don’t remember agreeing to that.” taehyung responds with a shrug, smirking when he picks up a booster and runs past his friend’s character. “you finally found someone who could put up with you and you let them go? i won’t let you forget.”

jungkook scoffs, eyes rolling upwards. “bro, i should be the least of your problems.”

“nuh-uh.” taehyung tuts with a grin, belly aching with laughter when jungkook’s car jumps over his to steal the lead. he didn’t even know that was possible. he plans on using the same trick against him later. “i’m making you my biggest problem so i don’t have to deal with mine.”

“they’re not married yet. you still have a chance, you know?”

“yah!” he gapes at jungkook in shock, entirely forgetting about the game. “take that back!”

“don’t act like you haven’t thought of it!”

“yeah, but i don’t say it out loud. it sounds too wrong! i still have my morals left!” he cries out, stomping his feet on the floor.

jungkook lightly punches his arm, eyebrows pinched in confusion. “i meant you have a chance if they break up. i have morals too! what do you think of me?!”

“oh…” taehyung blinks. “you know who else have probably thought of that too, though?”

“who?” jungkook boredly questions as he scrolls through the game collection, contemplating about which one to play next.

“all the other people waiting in line for ___.”

the realization renders him motionless, stirring up the possessiveness coursing through his veins. for the love of god, he doesn’t want to be petty but that struck a nerve. he wants to storm out of the house and look for you, beg on his knees for you to take him back.

“aish, hyung, you’re driving me crazy! why would you tell me that? are we torturing each other?!”

“are you crying? yah, jungkook-ah.” taehyung watches his hunched figure with a guilty wince, hesitant hands rubbing the expanse of his back. “i’m sorry- i’m sorry… do you want a hug?”

jungkook stays quiet, head hanging low to hide his face crumpling with anguish. the loose but affectionate hug that he gets pulled into prompts him to fall apart, catharsis blossoming in his ribcage and turning his bones into jelly.

he hears obnoxiously loud sniffles, and he abandons taehyung’s shoulder to look at his face. “are you crying, too?”

“stop ruining the moment.” taehyung groans, forcefully pushing down his head again.

namjoon comes out from his bedroom in search for another extension cord, still sipping on the half-empty iced americano he took from the fridge only ten minutes ago. the heartfelt scene on the couch causes him to halt on his tracks. how did they go from playing games to crying together? he silently observes the two members for a moment before deciding to approach them.

“what am i going to do with the two of you?” he grunts, ruffling his hair in frustration. “shall we go out for drinks to disinfect your wounded hearts?”

the mention of alcohol makes them perk up, jungkook’s tearful doe eyes sparkling at the prospect of temporarily erasing the pain that has uncontrollably spread throughout his system. he wants to drink until he forgets that he has hands, until he forgets what it feels like to touch you.

“thanks, monie-hyung. i’ll have my appetizer.”

and the iced americano gets snatched away from namjoon’s unsuspecting hand within the blink of an eye.

—

“this is not a barbecue restaurant.” you stare blankly at the orange neon lights spelling out the name of the night club your friends secretly conspired to bring you to.

“___, loosen up! the fastest way to move on is to find someone else. this is the best place for that.” aera turns around from the passenger seat of the taxi, her red lips painting a thrilled smile. “just forget about jungkook. we all knew this shit was going to happen. i’m surprised you even lasted that long!”

“i don’t know what you’re trying to imply but i don’t appreciate your tone.” you warn her with a sharp, threatening look. “and the ‘someone else’ that i found at a bar before turned out to be biggest fucking jerk i’ve ever met. i’m not doing this again.”

“things might be different this ti-” mi-ran aids in persuading you, but it only adds fuel to the fire.

“oh my god! fuck off!” you yell in irritation, aggressively getting off the car and slamming the door shut on their faces.

you never look back, ignoring the shouts of your name and half-assed apologies. you don’t have the slightest idea about where you’re going — your feet have a mind of their own and they chose to go the opposite way of home. this isn’t how you envisioned your night. you just wanted to listen to the sound of the meat grill and complain about life giving you a taste of true love just to cut your tongue with it until you bled. was that too much to ask?

you’re about ninety percent certain that you just lost two of whom you treated to be your closest friends. you think of ah-young, and you briefly consider crashing at your best friend’s band practice, but you’re too exhausted to travel to the other end of the city.

with eleven seconds left in the timer, you cross the street with swift and long strides alongside a crowd consisting mostly of employees wearing the same navy blue uniform. at last, you’re among the bright and lively restaurants, the inviting smell of good food making your stomach sting with hunger.

it’s only taehyung who recognizes you when you unknowingly pass by, almost choking on his glass of somaek, the combination of soju and beer. with his career on the line, he is confident that he can recognize that balenciaga windbreaker anywhere and anytime. meanwhile, instead of talking about you, the youngest is drunkenly reminiscing about the alleged ghost encounters he had in their old dorms. their leader is tragically left to tend to the grill alone. he deeply regrets not dragging any of the older members with them.

“everyone, i think i just saw __-”

a grimace of cluelessness is plastered on taehyung’s face when jungkook claps once, enthusiastically pointing at him as if he just announced something inspiring and life-changing.

“you’re right, you’re right! that’s it! what i’m kind of trying to say here is…” he pauses, facial muscles relaxing into a gloomy expression. he sniffles and rubs his nose, making it a brighter shade of red. “when we move houses again, i won’t have stories like these to bring with me. the new ghosts will be my memories with ___.”

none of the other two dares to speak after that, the oddly satisfying sound of meat being grilled and the chattering from other tables occupy the uneasy and heavy silence. instead, they begin filling their own shot glasses with pure soju. namjoon is the first one to spill it down his throat, slamming it on the table before dishing out his phone from his pocket. by this time, all of them are already drunk, double vision blurry and speech a little slurred. they gave up on counting the green bottles and cans of beer a long while ago.

“shit, that was a good metaphor. i need to write that down.”

“namjoon-hyung, he’s crying again!”

jungkook’s head slumps on the table with a thud, hot tears escaping down to his temple as he laments. “i miss her so much. why did i have to break up with her the second we got home? why…? am i so impulsive? what do i do if… if she agrees that we- h-how am i supposed to live with myself after that…? i’m never going to love again.”

they shuffle apprehensively on their seats, but still, they tell jungkook what he needs to hear since he won’t remember tonight’s events, anyway.

that’s not going happen. she just needs some more time. i’m sure she’s missing you too. everything will be okay.

but it’s been almost two weeks of radio silence. their flight is in nine days, drawing nearer and nearer as if it’s purposely taunting jungkook. everyone is thinking the same thing, and everyone is afraid to say it out loud.

—

it’s 7am when his work alarm goes off. with a disgruntled noise, a hungover jungkook drowsily drags himself out of bed, eyes still closed as he swings the bedroom door open.

“oing?” he creates a noise of confusion when his arm bumps against an object. he blinks at the brown paper bag hanging on his doorknob, removing one of the handles to peek at its contents.

he buffers for a moment, staring blankly at his belongings safely tucked inside. there’s his black mini bluetooth speaker, tinted lipbalm, wired earphones, bucket hat, facial cleanser, moisturizer, and shampoo. these are everything he left on top of your study desk and in your bathroom. neatly folded on the side is his windbreaker, which he recalls as clear as daylight, how you reveled in its comfort the last time that you were together. the fabric softener you use has replaced his perfume, the cherry scent forming a rain cloud of nostalgia and longing above his head.

if this is a nightmare, he is begging for somebody, anybody, to break into the room and to bring him someplace where hope is not desolate.

his wounded heart, as his namjoon-hyung described, is experiencing an excruciating pain he never even imagined was possible. he now understands, why the broken heart syndrome is a real thing.

he can’t read you. is this your way of ‘reaching out’? have you kicked him out of your house, out of your life? for good?

the dread of losing you forever is gnawing at his insides. nausea almost succeeds in knocking him off his feet. his brain hisses with static. he panics at the disgustingly familiar sensation brewing in his digestive system, sprinting to the bathroom to spill out his guts.

they say that you don’t realize what you have until you lose it. that early morning, jungkook realizes that he’s only a human being after all.

—

“when did i put that there?”

you’re sorting out your dirty laundry after showering when you notice a tissue paper tucked in the front pocket of your denim jeans. you huff out a sigh, ripping it apart into tiny pieces over the trash bin with raging vexation. you will never understand how men thinks that these kind of stupid tricks are supposed to compel you into seeing them anywhere near attractive and desirable in your eyes. if anything, they make you feel unsafe and if your paths cross again, you will run the other way. great. another person in the lecture room to avoid. just fucking great.

at this point, you want to mockingly laugh at your own misery. just when you thought your day couldn’t possibly get worse, it fucking does.

you tuck yourself in bed by midnight, texting a friend about your joint presentation next week, and then rereading your conversation with namjoon from this morning for the nth time. you’ve been hoping it will shine light on the right path to take, because you’re still lost and hurt.

Namjoon:

he’s been devastated since

can’t this be sorted out?

stuff’s just been overwhelming and honestly i’m as anxious as him

i'm not trying to force you into getting back together with him ofc but please talk for closure atleast..

you’re also my friend. i think you need it too..

you scroll a bit further down afterwards, and your heart drops to your stomach when you see the three dots under the contact name ‘my jungkook’. you click on it as it beckons you to, only to allow time to flow like a river with no sea to kiss, idly watching the bubble appear and disappear, appear and disappear. almost everyday, you catch a glimpse of him at the very least, typing a message and never sending it.

the same goes for tonight, it seems.

his silence is torturing you. in the car, in your inbox, in your call history. a person knocks on the door and a part of you foolishly predicts that it’s jungkook not using his copy of the key out of respect.

you succumb to the yearning, heading to your shared media and files that you’ve been actively resisting for more than two weeks… for this exact reason.

you randomly click a video sent by jungkook three months ago.

“i know you’re in class but i’m too excited to show what i got you today!” he beams at the front camera, bunny teeth cutely showing. he picks up the first item from the hotel bed with his free hand. “you already own this book but this one got a different cover, see? it’s hardback? they say it’s a limited edition.”

he eyes it fleetingly, obvious that there is something else he is dying to mention.

“i won’t show it too close. you can look at it when i go home. there’s a little surprise inside.”

he scrunches his nose before teasingly sticking his tongue out.

“and then here we haaave-”

following that, he shows you an adorable fluffy white bunny with red eyes. it occupies more than half the screen, and without a doubt, it is soft and huggable.

“cooky’s new sibling! we found it at a gift shop and hobi-hyung said it looks like me.”

he presses his cheek to the bunny’s. “i accept. we do look alike, but my eyes are so much bigger.”

in the upcoming seconds, the video is muted except for his breathing. he plops down on the bed while ruffling his dark hair, staring at the camera wordlessly, evocative of when you catch him dreamily watching you study while you’re on a videocall.

“i miss you.” he smiles sadly, deep dimples appearing on his cheeks. “don’t forget to text me when you’re on your way home.”

he drops on his back, the firm mattress breaking his fall.

“mmmwah!“ he kisses the camera, and your screen freezes on the final frame.

the silence in the aftermath is defeaning. you tear your glasses off your face, burying your face in the pillows. you arrive at your final decision then and there. you don’t care. you don’t care. you don’t care anymore. you cannot bear to spend more of your days like this. his things that used to live here might be gone, but you look for him everywhere. you look for his car in the parking lot. you look for his hair when you see flowers. you wait for his name to be called in the coffee shop. on your way home, you linger at the playground where you used to usually meet.

because if your relationship with jungkook is truly doomed to fail, you want to watch its foundation collapse on the ground, burnt down to gray and black ashes that disintegrate when you try to grasp them in your hands… with good grace, it’s the only way for you to believe that there’s no more home to come home to.

with a trembling hand, you press the call button and for the very first time, you beg someone to stay.

—

jungkook’s breathing ceases, heartbeat violently racing in his chest. the ‘chimes’ ringtone tickle his ears, his phone vibrating incessantly in his hands. the two features he specifically customized in your contact settings so he will immediately recognize that it’s you who’s calling.

it’s been four days since you dropped off his things. and here he was, laying on his bed and struggling to find the right words to say because he refuses to believe that this is how it ends. the paper bag is still hanging on the doorknob. he hasn’t touched it since the first time. he doesn’t have the courage to do so.

fuck giving you space. he wants drown himself in you and never come up for air. he’s more than willing to suffer your anger or your coldness. he’s prepared to prove himself worthy of a second chance every second of every day. he wants to occupy half of your desk and half of your closet again. he selfishly wishes to be the first and the last person you fall in love with.

but until the very end, you’re the braver one.

“love?” your voice is quiet, barely audible, but it’s there, and he hears the affectionate term of endearment distinctly. “i’m sorry. i tried, i really did, but i couldn’t do it…”

“baby,” he falters breathlessly, half of him in disbelief, convinced that he has officially lost his goddamn mind and delusion is bleeding into reality.

“i tried living without you like you wanted- but i can’t-” you hiccup in between small sobs on the other line. “i love you, jungkook. i can’t live carrying around all this love with me. it’s too heavy…”

exploding and breaking apart, jungkook’s heart is a meteor that has entered the planet’s atmosphere, and he doesn’t know where to begin digging for the fragments so he can piece himself together again.

“we are too young and we don’t know what the fuck we’re doing and i love you too much. you don’t have to protect me… i’ll take my fair share of the responsibility, so just-” he hangs on your every word, and then you pause, your following words eliciting a powerful punch to his gut. “just let me love you and let me learn my lesson the hard way… let’s do that, okay?”

the walls of him room ebbs and flows in like the sea. he rests his forearm over his eyes, his skin gradually dampening with tears. he once promised himself that he would never put you in this position. he should be the one begging for forgiveness, repenting and crawling on his knees. but rather than wasting his time with surfing through another tsunami of self-blame, he reminds himself: i want to be a better man.

“okay, baby. let’s do that, hmm? let’s do that. it’s what i want too.” he coos softly with a hoarse voice. “are you at your apartment?”

you hum in confirmation, sniffling. “come home.”

—

a half-naked jungkook abruptly opens the door to yoongi’s room, wearing gray sweatpants with his left arm awkwardly inserted in one of the black t-shirt’s armhole.

“hyung! can i borrow your car? mine’s getting a check-up.”

yoongi tears his eyes away from the computer, hanging the black headphones on the nape of his neck. he merely shrugs before throwing the car key, and jungkook catches it in one hand with ease.

he sighs in relief, politely bowing his upper body to express his gratitude. “thank you, hyung.”

“what are you doing?!” yoongi half-smiles with fondness, jokingly waving him off. “just go- go. leave!”

—

jungkook nervously stands before your front door, head woozy with anticipation and fear. what if things have changed? what if your relationship never goes back to the way it was?

“oh. you’re back together?”

he whips his head back to find your neighbor arriving home from his part-time job. huh, he just realized that he has never really learned what his name is. the only information he has on him is that his sister owns a bee farm.

“how did you even know?” he asks with knitted eyebrows. “you haven’t been giving out honey again, have you?”

“she only accepted it once.” the stranger puts his arms up in surrender with a roll of his eyes. “and don’t make her cry again, will you? she blasts sad songs late at night.”

and with an unpleasantly forceful shut of the door, jungkook is left alone in the hallway. his jaw clenches as he glares at the next apartment, but he rubs his face to release his frustration before he goes to meet you.

“we need to move in together.” he grumbles to himself as he enters your unit, relocking the door behind him. he removes his sneakers, neatly setting them down beside your pairs of shoes by the doormat.

he pads on the wooden floor with his white toe socks, looking around the dark and quiet living room. a faint orange light is seeping under the gap between the floor and the bedroom door, which he recognizes to be your favorite mode on your multi-colored nightstand lamp. he cautiously cracks the door open, and he is instantly greeted by your curled up figure, peacefully sleeping.

it’s muscle memory when he hangs his backpack on the backrest of your study chair before anything else. he also brought the paper bag you sent, putting it down on the floor.

he squats down infront of you, lightly prying away the phone you’re hugging to your chest and placing the device on the bedside table. the light is shining over your skin, and there are a thousand of photos and videos organized into the most treasured folder in his gallery, but not a single one of them will ever do you justice.

god, he missed you so much. it hasn’t been two years, but the life he had before he met you feels like an extremely distant memory.

he sighs, talking in hopes that he appears in your dreams. “how do you do this? you make it impossible not to love you.”

he unconsciously frowns at the sight of your puffy eyes. never again. never again. never again. he chants inside his head. he plants a kiss on each of your eyelids, taking his time to bask in the feeling of your weight under his lips.

he climbs on the opposite side of the bed, tucking you underneath the blanket before securely holding you from behind with his thigh hanging over yours. the warmth of your body and the scent of your shampoo cures the headache that’s been bothering him the whole day. he drifts off to sleep soon after.

—

the feather-light brushes through the silky locks of his hair pulls him out of his slumber half an hour later. he can make out your silhouette through his half-open eyes, the little-mermaid-like scene feels too vivid for a dream.

“why didn’t you wake me up?” you whine, sulking with a pout.

“i’m sorry.” he answers quietly, sitting up to engulf you in a tight embrace as endless apologies tumble from his tongue. “i’m sorry. i’m sorry that i gave up. i’m sorry that i hurt you. i’m so sorry… are you angry at me?”

“i’m upset.” you admit after a few beats, not seeing the point in sugarcoating it. “it hurts when i remember you saying that. and i understand you but… but i don’t like that you decided alone for us. if you do that again… then it will be over between us.”

he has an arm wrapped around your waist, his other hand firmly holding the back of your head. it’s a little hard to breathe, but it’s so reassuring to feel that he doesn’t want to let you out of his embrace. because you hated it — hated how it felt like letting you go was so easy.

“i regret everything. i’m sorry.” he whispers, concealing his tears by nuzzling his face on your neck. “and you’re not a burden. that’s not true.”

he knows that you mean your every word, so he lifts up his head to gaze directly into your eyes, showing that he is as sincere and true to his.

“from now on, all i’ll think about is what i can do to make you happy and safe without compromising our relationship… i’ll do better. i’ll love you better. i promise that i’ll be stronger for us. i won’t make the same mistake twice.”

you wish jungkook could be kinder to himself, treat himself with the same gentleness that comes so naturally with you. why is it that humans find loving themselves so laborious? why does being have to come with such a curse?

taking glimpses at the past, you should’ve been reminding him of these affirmations everyday.

“you don’t have to be strong all the time. i’m not asking for that.” you shake your head, voicing out yourself in a tone so soothing and illuminating. “i don’t want to go anywhere far away from you so think of yourself, too. i told you before, it’s okay to hold on to me. i’m also strong.”

jungkook feels so safe at home. he doesn’t remember what he was so worried of anymore.

“and you know what? if you really see it that way, then i’m telling you now. i want to waste my time on you. you can’t stop me.” your threatening eyes widen in conviction, provoking a sheepish smile to tug at the corners of his lips. “i always get what i want.”

“and you want me?” he innocently points at himself.

“love you.”

“i love you.” he replies, nosing at your neck before leaving a chaste kiss on your skin. “so much.”

“then put yourself in my shoes.” you hum, combing his hair with your fingers, lightly tugging to initiate eye-contact. “i want to take care of you just like how you want to take care of me. i think we have something rare and beautiful…” you pause, self-conscious about coming across as too needy now that you’re face-to-face, but an epiphany shatters your apprehension with a bow and an arrow.

this is what he needed to hear from you that day.

“so stay with me.”

jungkook’s vision becomes unfocused. he’s speechless; the only sound in the room is the humming of the airconditioner, but it’s almost as if you can hear the gears of his brain working their hardest. the pain that glossed his enchanting doe eyes has been replaced with a devotion you’ve never seen expressed so passionately in them before.

“all the time i own is yours.” he declares, cupping your face, the pad of his thumb daintily stroking your cheek. “all of it. we can do anything you want to do. let me make it up to you.”

“anything?” your face lights up with joy and mischief, and the butterflies in jungkook’s stomach come alive. he wants to make it his life’s mission to make you smile everyday; and that, he will do. “then i want you to kiss me.”

the sultriness of your enticing voice makes him go haywire. it’s been too damn long. he has forgotten what it feels like to kiss you. he slowly inches closer, his lips brushing against your lips before he pulls you in deeper, a fervent display of his yearning and apologies. he swallows the needy moan that escapes you as he slowly lays you down on the mattress, stripping off his shirt and mindlessly tossing it somewhere when you impatiently tug at it with another whimper. you cage his face in your hands, bringing back his lips on yours as if he’s the air that you breathe.

he wants to grieve for all the wasted time because everyday, he craved for this. to be honest, he forgets his name when he’s kissing you. outside, the crowds scream his name for being the best at what he does best, and he happily lives for the euphoria of it all. but in this room, there is only you and him. you communicate using the unspoken language of love with your lips. you bare the soft animal in yourselves with your teeth sinking in the other’s skin. you allow your rawest desires and truths to unravel with a slip of the tongue. he exists beyond his name, becomes an indecipherable enigma even to himself. what is the use of an explanation if there is no meaning anyway? all he knows is that he loves you despite all the reasons, against all the reasons.

he sneaks under your shirt, fingertips teasingly exploring your skin as if he’s drawing a map. he feels you quiver when he finally reaches your chest, gently kneading the soft flesh in his palm. this makes you mewl in pleasure, arching your back as your hand unconsciously curls around his wrist, the cotton fabric separating the two of you. the action electrifies jungkook, makes him lose himself a little more, which he didn’t think was still possible.

“touch me, please- jungkook. need you-” you choke out a desperate whimper, nearly sobbing as you guide his hand between your thighs. you can’t bear to spend another second untouched; the last time you made love feels like an eternity ago. he slips past the waistband of your underwear, the only article of clothing you’re wearing below. but to your disappointment, he gently caresses your hip bone instead of dipping his long fingers into your wetness.

“shh, hold on, baby-” he forces himself to break away from the kiss, swollen and red lips glistening with spit. “baby, look at me. you didn’t drink, right? i don’t want to take advantage.”

you gape at him with your chest heaving up and down, dumbfounded. “how could you even think of that right now?”

his eyes widen in panic, worried that he might’ve offended you. “no, no, no-” his palms skim your thighs, guiding them to wrap around his slim waist. you gasp when he presses up on you and his hard length rubs on your folds, sending jolts of electricity up your spine. a gush of arousal dampens the thin material covering your center.

“i want you so fucking bad that it hurts.” he gingerly wipes away the tears that you didn’t even notice streamed down to your temples. you can’t remember the last time you cried before today, they must’ve gotten tired of asking for your permission. “but you were crying when you called, baby. i had to make sure.”

“oh, my boyfriend is such a gentleman.” you muse dreamily. pepper his face with delicate kisses, lips curving upward with an adoring smile. “look at him enjoying my kisses.”

you playfully squeeze his cheeks together, making his pillowy lips pucker.

“you really wanted to break up with me in this case, huh? you wanted to live without me and my kisses? no way.”

his eyelids flutter open, and he shakes his head as he dips down to kiss you. “it was hell without you…” his teeth captures your bottom lip, nipping at the supple flesh. “going to build a life with you. i’ll build furniture, and they’re going to be ours.”

“good. you better.” your high-pitched giggles bounce off the walls as his lips trail down to your neck, licking a bold stripe over your ticklish spots. “i don’t have the patience for it, but i’ll be your trusty assistant.”

it’s ridiculous, how even the sound of your laughter turns him on even more.

—

jungkook learned that you finished your exams yesterday, having spent majority of the past two weeks pulling all-nighters to prepare for them. you seem to be confident about the results, the way you talked about it without concern. he never once doubted that you’re resolute and persevering, but acing your exams in the middle of a breakup is beyond what he can digest. it must’ve been a grueling experience, he can only imagine.

he presses a sweet kiss to your forehead, and then your lips, before dragging the blanket higher over your naked figure, a thicker one he brought out from the cabinet. poor thing, you fell asleep on his lap while he was drying your hair, incoherently murmuring about how tired you are.

he walks to your study space, fixing the loosening towel wrapped around his waist. one by one, he pulls out the items from the paper bag, returning them to their old places on your desk. he toothily grins at the windbreaker, ecstatic due to his plan on wearing it at work today. he wants to give it back to you smelling like him again.

an index card lands on the ground when he unfolds it, making him peer down in curiosity.

“what’s this?” he mumbles, bending down to pick it up.

jumbled thoughts. a letter shoved at the back of the mailbox. a hesitant confession. a bittersweet reminder that says: a wound does not magically disappear overnight. it requires the proper treatment to heal correctly, and even then, it might still leave a scar.

These are only a few of many. Why is this the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do? I’m usually the more logical one. Was it really so bad that we weren’t going anywhere?

and messily crossed out at the end,

I miss you.

—

taglist in the reblogs! send an ask / dm if you want to be added (or removed) :D

—

[jell-0knight]

Book 3 No Rest for the Wicked thought’s incoming and it’s long—

I was captivated by Kaderin since book 2, the premise of her losing all emotions turning her into a deadly killer mmmm yes. I see she struggles with coming to terms with feeling again ever since she met Sebastian but I’m still muddled, like, it doesn’t feel so obvious where she’s showing and not showing feelings, do you know what I mean? Being in her head vs what she’s showing the world are two different things and I can’t quite understand her. Especially because she’s undergoing this transition. I also thought the thought process behind this sacrifice would be more obvious idk. The whole idea of the Hie has me hooked and wait I need to say— Sebastian Wroth, I ADORE him!! Smart and sweet 🥺 he was ready to give up his life simply for the strong will he has against being a vampire, ugh, I love him. So far he’s a wonderful change from the same huge headed males hanging around this series, I love him! I mean he mastered tracing so fast simply for using his brain and look at this—

‘After grabbing insulated gloves and layers of clothes to go under a heavy trench coat, he noted the name of the store to send payment to and exited the same way’

So stinkin cute! I mean he stole some stuff from a store but still had the thought to pay them back even during the rush of this scene. It’s a tiny detail that managed to implicate his naturally good heart 🥺🥰

"You don't even know enough to know how ridiculous I find your words. I am proud and notoriously malicious, yet you think I'd allow you to make a gift of what I can rightly take?"— I love this girl. Shine, queen!

I want to get it off my chest that I adore the sisterhood between the Valkyries— Nyx’s reaction to seeing Kaderin’s death also Regin’s distress for both ugh pulled at my heartstrings and also Kaderin’s affection for Emma, so sweet, and their banter throughout the books, just perfect.

About the topic on lack of complexity and clarity behind Kaderin not feeling, I think I see now somewhat how this has affected the relationship in a unique way. I’d have to ponder on that to put into words, perhaps in a second reread, (which I will be doing since this book is quick to become close to a fave from the series). I think it has to do with the irony that Kaderin allowed him to steer close every time because of her lack of feeling while at the same time pushing him away for the same reason idk idk.

Okay the fact that Kaderin realizes she feels lonely and left out among her sisters, not because of any mean intent from them, but from her lack of emotions, it breaks my heart. I’m a sucker for this pain. When she feels grateful for a Sebastian for being there, unknowingly on his part, it makes me grateful for him as well, pulls at my heartstrings i tell ya.

I predict, now that Kaderin is going to die, that Sebastian’s resentment toward Nikolai for turning him when he wished to die because-not-dying-meant-more-than-just-fighting-to-stay-alive will be coming to a head. Possibly Sebastian will bring her back from death as he was brought back and these feelings will change. I’m compelled because I find that I personally agree with Sebastian, prefer to lose an existence in which I don’t have anything left to live for. But Kresley seems to head in the direction to change that so… hmmm.

‘He could win her. He would win her after tonight. He'd known he would be a good husband, a good father, but he'd wondered if he could satisfy her in bed. Now he felt confident he could, since she wasn't shy about what pleased her’ God, how she lets me know. He grinned against her, well aware that they slept on shredded sheets.— first of all... a good father, a good husband? ugh so stinkin cute!but also I like that his inexperience is addressed in this way and I like that it adds character to Kaderin after not showing emotion her showing it now is what is pushing him to be able to satisfy her and it’s believable due the his quickness and intelligence 🙌.

‘Without fail, he'd been kind to women. He'd shown them respect and courtesy. Without fail, he'd never had success with them.’— Sebastian says this right after recounting his sexual inexperience when he was younger and, see, it breaks my heart he was made to feel like a loser, the woman admitting in the worst way she was only having sex after losing a wage, and how he internalized this yet he still remains kind hearted 💔

LMAO no way Kaderin gave Regins number to a drug lord.

Okay I felt bad for Cindey for seeming to be the scapegoat girl to make Kaderin look so much better but to hear her crying about a baby does she want the time key to bring back her baby?? Instantly I need her to win idc idc idc idc fuck everyone else. Pages later I’m still conflicted about Cindey it’s just awful that whole part of why she might’ve wanted the key. I’ll just act as though when she said baby Kresley Cole might’ve meant like her baby gold fish or something ugh, bothersome.

It could just be the mood change after Cindey but the ending felt sort of fanfiction-y. Like Riora giving a second time key out of the goodness of her heart? Hmm sus. Goddesses don’t usually do these things. Also Riora being the one to have taken Kaderins sorrow and all the rest of feelings being accidental collateral? Also sus. Just tooo easy? And then not to mention this would put Riora in a position to be a compelling goddess character but I felt next to no curiosity or complexity for her other than feeling like she was a narrative tool.

Now about Kaderin’s death I felt sort of underwhelmed. I was hoping Sebastian would remain in the dark up until the actual death blow and absolute grueling angst would ensue and maybe even have him save her by turning her and make it a crazy twist to have her turn Vampire, although I’d have to check if is this is possible in the Lore of this world.., regardless, in canon he finds out some time before, and as a result it felt mid angst to me in which he makes an attempt to keep her from finishing the Hie but obviously despite being super intelligent he forgets some detail to push the story forward— I’m talking about the cuffs magicked to hold only vampires so Kaderin is able to escape— also the whole death scene was just sort of confusing to me, the actual battle scene itself. What do you mean his hand is stuck so he can’t move but then he moves forward to grab the cable Kaderin is dangling from?And then it was even extra confusing the part where the explanation of the Key and Time it was difficult for me to grasp the rules and constraints. Happy ending, but idk idk /: and then the part where Kaderin brings back her sisters— them acclimating— was made somewhat believable with the time off Kaderin had to take to help them but it still felt rushed, I mean, I understand the book must end somewhere. Finally, Kaderin herself she went from unfeeling to feeling and instead of the transition i should’ve been able to make out it felt like I was reading about a different character. Ack just super conflicted because I adored this book at first. Oh well in second reread we trust

[the-hype-dragon]

Books I read in June

Good god I got kinda burned out this month, I made the dumb decision to read a bunch of doorstoppers and made the mistake of forcing myself to finish a book I didn't think was that great.

uhhhhhh anyway here:

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J.K. Rowling - reread, 3/5

Confession time: I've always kinda disliked DH and my opinion has not changed lmao, I thought it wrapped up the series okay but there are a lot of things I just don't like about and never have. On the other hand I'm one of those people who actually likes the epilogue. Had some genuinely great writing for a YA series and certainly was not a bad book, I just never had as good a time reading this as I did the other Potter books.

The Broken Sword by Poul Anderson - 2/5

There were things I liked about this while I was reading it but overall it was not an enjoyable experience and as I sit here typing this I can't even talk myself into saying there were any parts I really enjoyed, although I know I did WHILE I was reading it, or else I wouldn't have finished it. Like I would start to think "hmmm maybe I better DNF" and then something interesting would happen, rinse and repeat for 260 pages. I can't believe people think this is better than LOTR (which I am also not a huge fan of so don't @ me lmao). Yes I understood what Anderson was going for, I just didn't like it. Maybe I would have Gotten It if I was a man, who knows. There are like eighty covers of this book but I was blessed with a copy bearing the above image, which just... idk it's that distinct 70s-era corniness, I can't help but love it.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince by J.K. Rowling - reread, 4/5

I've always liked HBP but it's been a hot minute since I've read the latter half of the HP series and I forgot just how weak HBP's denouement is. That said it's still pretty entertaining and the cave sequence was as harrowing to read now as it was when I first read it back in 2005. Slughorn is my favorite Hogwarts professor, he's just so mundanely unlikable and imo a good example of Rowling's talent for character writing.

The Burning Stone by Kate Elliott - 5/5

For about 90% of the book I was willing to say this was just a solid 4/5, but the last chapter really blew my mind lmao and that's saying something because much of the rest of the book is full of crazy plot twists. I did have some issues with it like an increasingly dragging pace (thanks to the ever-growing cast of characters) but otherwise it's a pretty great book, the good parts are REALLY good and the few parts I had issues with weren't because they were outright bad but because the stuff happening wasn't really my cup of tea. Also this book is pretty poorly-edited (at least the 1999 edition I have) with many noticeable typos but that didn't detract TOO much from the story imo. Still pretty solid and the climax was amazing, ended up really loving it.

The Seventh Son by Reay Tannahill - DNF, 1/5

The War of the Roses was a legitimately interesting period of English history with actual larger-than-life personalities involved and not a single author I've read has been able to truly capture it effectively in fiction. My problem is basically this: in spite of what records exist about the women involved in the conflict very few authors manage to make them anything but man-obsessed nonentities, and most of these books focus (or over-focus, I'd argue) on the military campaigns. Anyway The Seventh Son is just more Richard III apologia and I hate that too. And in spite of a strong beginning focusing on the dumbass laws these idiots made to hoard as much power for themselves as possible (which I genuinely find interesting) it quickly devolved into typical boring historical fiction trying to flaw-scrub the men while also listing off the horrible ways men were legally allowed to treat their wives, and how not even women of high rank were exempt from this treatment. Made me feel physically ill. Overall disappointing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

so now that I'm completely fried here are the books I plan to read in July:

The Dispossessed by Ursula K. Le Guin (which I started in the third week of June, but I was also trying to finish The Burning Stone and that took precedence)

A Good Man is Hard to Find by Flannery O'Connor

Child of Flame by Kate Elliott

Nine Layers of Sky by Liz Williams

And there may be others, sometimes I'm just seized by a whim and cannot stop it. But we'll see!!!

[goldenlandfiascos]

@anonarat this is so nice thank you i’ll just keep being me and doing what i do 😄 😄 😄

[oulkheir]

hi!!! it's okay i just threw all of that to your face and i told you to take your time (which you sure did jkjk) but it's completely fine don't worry a bit :)

first after reading all of that i can tell you that you don't suck at romance at all. i can't see that, and since you put a lot of effort into trying to understand each characters' feelings, it doesn't matter if you think you aren't experienced in that or whatever who am i to judge that???

i agree on the first part(s) because i also think that liking someone doesn't mean you necessarily want something with them. the part where i decide to believe hiiragi is when he says he's okay with watching yuki holding mafuyu's hand, it seems like he even puts some distance between their relationship and himself. and him not even trying to call his own feelings (as tiny as they could be) a crush shows how he couldn't think of it this way. that was impossible to him for anyone else to interfere between yuki and mafuyu so having a crush on yuki wasn't something to consider. on the other side, he knew shizu was always with him so he could be free in loving him at his full.

for shizu's part, i actually LOVE the idea of him using this small crush as a defence mechanism! i've often thought of him trying to push hiiragi to admit how he really felt, but not as some words to protect himself from rejection and i think it's an interesting point of view :0 and yeah hiiragi being the rollercoaster he is... WELL i guess even shizu gets confused sometimes, especially if he's jealous himself.

don't worry i get you hiiragi was BLIND about yuki and mafuyu and that's something no one could make me doubt about :D

for the last part ngl i was tired when i wrote the ask so YEAH now that i'm in better shape (wrong it's 1am) i can tell you that this part was kinda extreme like.... hiiragi unconsciously not saying anything about yuki and mafuyu because he doesn't want them to be this relationship? a bit contradictory since he still idolised them as soulmates. and it seems more accurate that, as you said, he couldn't say anything because it's awkward to comment out of the blue on something that developed naturally between your friends, meanwhile uenoyama appearing in mafuyu's life at another moment from another context gave hiiragi the opportunity to act as annoying protective as he had wanted with mafuyu! hiiragi also says that he used to quarrel with mafuyu a lot but somehow it feels like it was some one-sided teasing from mafuyu, with hiiragi only getting mad at this alone, because how could he clash back to mafuyu when yuki was always around (because you don't dare stirring yuki's boyfriend grrrrrr (omg that sounds so childish but isn't that how it was?? (hmmm yeah seems a bit extreme as well but the idea is funny to me i swear)))

thanks for the very complete answer!!! wasn't expecting less from you though haha! if i'm being honest i had to reread a few lines to make sure i understood them but don't worry the overall is so clear especially for someone lacking of sleep!! have some rest!! (jk rest is forbidden in college good luck)

i also had a lot to add about the quartet but i guess i'll wait for december :))

hi! how you doing? you told me you would be more specific if i put an ask but you seemed busy so i didn't want to rush you smh? well here it is anyway take your time

do you think hiiragi liked yuki ?

okay uh put like that it sounds a bit easy but i'm really confused about this part of the story because when i read given for the first time, hiiragi made clear that he didn't like yuki this way and i went like "okay whatever shizu was wrong and hiiragi was only admirative of yuki it's okay" BUT.... by re-reading i've obviously learnt that you can't trust hiiragi whenever he says something because even he is unconsciously lying to himself. and the way he's convincing himself that shizu is his only love interest since forever is quite conflicting... it feels like he doesn't want to admit that shizu is right. he can't accept the fact that he had a crush on his friend's lover, or that he loved someone else than shizu even though he had apparently always wanted the perfect romance with him. shizu's revelation is crushing his feelings and offending him. he even confesses to prove him that he's wrong. but saying "i like you" is not a real proof? and that's what shizu reproaches to him?

so yeah, i first thought that shizu was wrong. but when you get into shizu's character a bit more, he's absolutely not the type to get wrong about people's feelings. usually when you're the quiet type it means you have more time to pay attention to the others' feelings. he spent so much time with both yuki and hiiragi, and from an external point of view anyone could clearly tell either there was love involved between the two or not. shizu already showed that he could see ritsuka's inner conflicts, mafuyu's hesitation, and even hiiragi's feeling of loneliness after yuki's death. it's crazy how he can read people, so how could he be wrong on hiiragi's feelings? just because of jealousy deceiving him? i don't know it doesn't match to me...

BUUUUUT at the same time (the reason why i want to hear about your opinion), hiiragi thinks about it thoroughly and figures that the answer he was looking for was simply admiration of yuki's love to mafuyu. like he just wanted to have that with shizu. but if it was really the case, why realising it only after his death? because he listened to umi e completed? really? why didn't he understand his feelings for shizu when yuki was still here? even though they had always been stuck together? hiiragi was clearly blinded by yuki back then. it's even an obsession that kept him from seeing shizu's love (which was obvious since long enough according to mafuyu) SO I DON'T KNOW BECAUSE because this moment hiiragi is kind of depressed, it seems like he's making up arguments to prove himself again that shizu has always been the only one. and i get him, it would be tough to admit that you loved your friend's ex, and that the one you love now isn't the one you've always wanted to be with even if you know him since forever (the most unclear sentence i'm sorry lololol)

AND another thing that i've just thought about, but it'd almost feel devious from hiiragi? maybe him liking yuki in the past would explain why he had never talked about mafuyu and yuki's relationship. maybe he didn't make it to real jealousy but he clearly didn't do anything about that, not even supporting them, even though he's someone pretty open about what he thinks of others. he immediately gave his opinion about mafuyu and ritsuka's relationship but didn't have one on mafuyu and yuki's? could it be because he simply couldn't lie to them by showing support? or by claiming he's against their relationship? even he didn't know how he felt but maybe it's true that shizu had understood it from the beginning?

i leave you with my 2am inner-conflicts about given again good luck girl

first and foremost, this has taken me so long - my bad, I had what I'm nicknaming a hell-week of assignments and midterms.

I also want to say thanks for this ask, every part of this was so fun to write because Hiiragi is such an interesting character! I do want to preface though and say I suck at romance - do not let me other essays trick you, so I apologize if anything doesn't make sense, it's because of my own lack of understanding on romance. that being said, I do think I did decent at least on putting Hiiragi's possible feelings into some sort of a light - probably a dramatic red spotlight.

also I wrote this super late, if anything doesn't make sense I was running on 3 hours of sleep and stress, so please ask for clarifications when needed!

anyways, now onto Hiiragi! (with appearances of others)

so in terms of Hiiragi having a crush on Yuki - yes but also no. I believe that he had one, but it was never something big enough that he realized it. in fact, I think that Shizusumi would be the only one to pick up on it - and that's for a reason I'll get into.

I think that he idolized him deeply, admired him in a way that was more than friendship but also not quite love. There was a thin line that Hiiragi would walk between the types of love, but he always stayed platonic in the end. he was always thinking of Yuki in the highest way that one could, and he loved him fully. still, I don't think he ever wanted a relationship with him, I don't think he ever had a crush that was fully developed - it was minuscule at most.

another thing is, he knew about Mafuyu and Yuki's dynamic, which I think would help him to not realize his own feelings even more. I do believe Hiiragi is a complete hopeless-romantic archetype, so I can see him believing in soulmates. Hiiragi is the one who really mentions how Yuki and Mafuyu's personalities grew to compliment each other and how their dynamic was a natural shift, something that I believe he felt like he couldn't question. I think that Hiiragi would think of the two as soulmates in a way, perfect halves meant for each other. with this, Hiiragi would likely then shove down and not realize - really compartmentalize - any possible attraction to Yuki. he wouldn't acknowledge it because he saw them as the standard.

so that's the basic on whether or not I think Hiiragi had a crush on Yuki. he toed the line, leaning towards idolization with a petite cute little crush that he would never actually realize. I think that would be in part because he's a hopeless romantic who saw Yuki as someone who already had his soulmate.

now as for Shizusumi. he is incredible at reading people, but I am willing to suggest that his feelings around Hiiragi would be able to skew his ability to read him. I believe there's a high probability of projection because of jealousy.

I believe that Shizusumi picked up on the tiny crush that Hiiragi had and then proceeded to exaggerate it. Hiiragi is his first friend and the first person who he'd ever had a crush on. in a healthier way than Mafuyu and Yuki, Hiiragi is Shizusumi's person since childhood. in order to defend himself from any sort of possible rejection, it's possible that Shizusumi decided to focus on the idea of Hiiragi having a crush on Yuki, ignoring how in reality it was barely there, so much so that Hiiragi himself didn't know about it.

in the end, when Shizusumi confronts Hiiragi about his feelings, I think him bringing up Hiiragi's own possible feelings for Yuki is still a defence mechanism. it's a way for him to explain why Hiiragi would reject him. he projects his feelings for someone he considers his life onto Hiiragi, who held Yuki on a pedestal as well. Shizusumi believing that Hiiragi has a crush on Yuki is his way of defending himself for the possibility that Hiiragi wouldn't return his own feelings.

I think that this also means that Shizusumi cannot read Hiiragi as well, not in terms of romance.

(also, Hiiragi's mood shifts are on the high end, the man scores high in neuroticism, I promise. I think that Hiiragi would be hard for anyone to read, including Shizusumi. I don't mean this in a bad either, I just think that Hiiragi's a very expressive person.)

now, onto the point of Hiiragi on Yuki and Mafuyu. I've said it before and I will say it a million times more, even if I'm screaming into a void - Hiiragi looked at those two with rose tinted glasses, both idolizing and romanticizing their relationship.

Hiiragi by no means had a healthy view on the Yuki/Mafuyu dynamic. he saw them as the ideal relationship - childhood friends to lovers, hero/damsel, quiet + loud dynamic. he saw them as soulmates (which I mentioned before, I don't think he would ever really realize his feelings because of that, he would just be admiring of that dynamic and therefore think 'how could they love someone else when they're perfect?').

but this view absolutely blinded him. he was so totally not able to see the flaws within their toxic codependence. so, Hiiragi kind of being like 'hey, I super idolized that relationship, that's probably why Shizusumi thinks I had a crush' ain't the wildest thing. I also do believe that those can be confused - him wanting their relationship versus him wanting someone in the relationship.

I do think that Hiiragi solely brushing it up to this is inaccurate, I think he was in denial about anything else being the truth. he probably doesn't want to be that person who's in love with his dead best friend who was fully enamoured with his alive childhood best friend. it would be a weird situation, and I can't blame him if that was part of the denial.

overall - this section is me saying that Hiiragi may have brushed off the small feelings he had as him idolizing the relationship, but overall it's not too wrong for him to say that as it's very true.

(I would not be surprised if him romanticizing Yuki and Mafuyu's relationship is also part of why Shizusumi thought he had a crush. he mistook the romanticization to be actual, deep romantic feelings. I just think that the projection argument is better and that this fits better down here as I just thought of it.)

as for Hiiragi possibly not being outwardly supportive because of his feelings? I think he's grown bolder. not as a person, the audacity has always existed, but specifically around Mafuyu. I also think he's grown more protective.

Mafuyu and Hiiragi, while childhood friends, kind of had an interesting dynamic. Mafuyu was, in a way, very much Yuki's. Mafuyu was introduced through Yuki when younger and he was always at Yuki's side, complimenting Yuki's personality, keeping comfortable with Yuki. while Hiiragi tried to get close, there was always a gap between them that could be bridged, the gap was Yuki. as dark as it sounds, Yuki's death created a bridge to let them really be around each other.

I think that Hiiragi is more open about his feelings around Mafuyu and Uenoyama because of there no longer being someone connecting them, instead they're able to actually communicate.

another reason would be how I keep bringing up the idea of him thinking of Yuki and Mafuyu as soulmates. who could criticize soulmates, meant to be together? he couldn't, he wants his own soulmate to hold like that. his own other half like they appeared to be. he couldn't see a flaw to speak out against and their relationship developed naturally to him, so when would he comment on them? to compare this with Uenoyama and Mafuyu, they don't have that prestablished soulmate dynamic to Hiiragi, they formed later and so he was more able to speak up, speak his mind on their relationship. one of the key ways this is seen is how he says that the Mafuyu and Yuki fight was 'small' and over 'something pointless', whereas he is more than willing to tease Uenoyama and Mafuyu over their arguments.

this is the main focus of the essay I have planned - how Hiiragi views the relationships between Yuki/Mafuyu versus Uenoyama/Mafuyu and how that affects his relationship with Mafuyu and his partners. that's why I was like - if you want something more specific on Hiiragi and Yuki, ask me that outright because otherwise I may not get exactly what you want.

thank you so much for this ask, I do hope that I managed to shed some lights on a way to think of this. the whole messy mystery behind Hiiragi and his feelings. I can never be confident when I analyze him, and I know that this is probably kind of confusing because I'm saying that he both did and didn't having feelings, but I am also really bad at even understanding romance, so that's probably why.

I think that Hiiragi may have had very minor feelings, that Shizusumi picked up on those feelings but exaggerated them as a defence mechanism (aka projection), and I think he didn't comment on Mafuyu and Yuki because he not only romanticized them but also because he was kind of not close enough with Mafuyu the same way that he was now.

again, sorry this took so long to get back to you on, I should be around more often with random mini things - as I do want to start to do mini analysis pieces that aren't massive even when informal like this is haha

(also, writing this has also lead me to conclude I straight up might do an essay on the quartet because yeah, they're really complicated to think about in terms of dynamics. it's a great group, they're close, but there's still holes within them and their bonds. but that would be after the Hiiragi essay which is my next one after I'm done one for a completely different fandom. my Given Essays will probably return late November to early December, because I've grown to be a bit more obsessive in my writing. but thanks for the new topic idea)

[thepatronsaintoffilth]

Your turn! YSLT-4, 11, and 14!

:D :D :D

4. What’s your favorite line of dialogue?

This one's easy! From chapter 3:

"You precious little thing ... I'm gonna have to teach you everything, aren't I?"

See ... I HEARD that line. In his voice. Clear as day.

And if I'm remembering right, this might have been THE line - like the one that made me go from "I might write this" to "I HAVE TO WRITE THIS".

Beyond that though, this dialogue revealed something to me about my interpretation of Karl that I wasn't expecting: he doesn't just want to fuck this girl; in a warped way, he wants to take responsibility for her. And I think it came as a surprise to Karl because it came as a surprise to me 🤣

It's the culmination of a lot of conflicting emotions: suspicion, arousal, confusion, tenderness, more confusion ... just, a lot. In the span of like 3 months or so, Karl goes from:

"I'm drawn to her, but this feels like a setup. I have to keep an eye on her, she's going to try to kill me or ruin me, and I have to figure out who's behind this, what her game is."

To

"I'm still drawn to her, and she hasn't tried to kill or undermine me yet, and she's really fucking distracting and she won't stop looking at me like that (reader:🥺) and I know she's up to something goddammit."

To

"I'm drawn to her, she's drawn to me, she had no fucking idea she's part lycan and that's why she wouldn't acknowledge being in heat the whole time and holy shit, she has no idea what she's doing, I have to take her under my wing, there's so much I'm going to do to her to teach her ..."

11. What do you like best about this fic?

Oooh, this one's a tough call. I reread my work a lot, because its filled with all the kinks and tropes I love the most. I like the way the reader's inner voice has evolved.

But if I had to pick just one, I'd say the 2nd person POV.

I've written fiction - both smut and otherwise - before, but I had never written in the 2nd person until YSLT. It's been a revelation. It feels so much more intimate than even a 1st person POV; like whispering a dirty story directly into the reader's ear.

And what's more, getting to color the tone of that perspective - the reader's "voice" - while still making it an audience/self-insert feels like having my cake and getting to eat it, too.

14. Is there anything you wanted readers to learn from reading this fic?

Hmmm ... I guess I would like others to see that you can really interpret Karl in different ways. That your particular headcanon is valid and enriching and has something to offer in its uniqueness to you.

It's not exactly an earth-shattering conclusion - it's literally the basis of all fanfiction and fandom in general - but it felt really important to emphasize that.

Because I seriously delayed writing this story at first, thinking that no one but me would connect with this version of Karl: still damaged, still more quills than a porcupine, but no longer in the grip of an abusive mother figure or overt external threats. It was really comforting to see other people respond to what I thought would be viewed as an off-brand version of Karl. So I hope readers will take that and run with it, if they want to write their own or enjoy him in their own way!

❣️ Saint