#I have vague notions forming in my brain

[teastainedprose]

In A Crowd of Thousands

He stands straight as a king, expression jovial as he waves to the fervent public chanting his name. The crowd is full of smiling faces. All beaming sunflowers turned towards the sun that is Homelander. The shining beacon of the American spirit. Chosen by God. Vought's golden boy. Everyone beams up at him. Faces full of adoration and cheer.

All except yours. You don't smile. Your expression is cold with dead eyes and gaze level. It makes Homelander recall the first time he'd spotted William in a crowd after all those years. He had the same hardened look. A look that said, I know who you really are.

Inwardly, he scoffs. No one knows the real him.

Idly, Homelander wonders who he killed to earn him such a look from you. He makes certain to meet your eyes as his charismatic smile twists to a smirk. 

You notice. He can see how your chest tightens with the sudden inhale you take, even from his spot on stage. Homelander inclines his head as you step back, melting into that sea of adoring fans.

He blinks, losing track of you in the sea of swimming faces. Another blink and its skeletons with his x-ray vision, but that's more confusing with such a crowd. Homelander shifts, turning his gaze to another section of the crowd as he waves. His smile is fixed in place.

He knows your face and that will have to do for now.

[dailyrothko]

Hi! I’m already drawn to Rothko’s art so much just by looking at his paintings on my tiny phone screen. But it is quite unlikely that I’ll get to see his paintings irl, at least not for a few years. Would you mind sharing your experience of looking at a Rothko? Thank you for putting in the work on this blog :)

Hi, I'm sorry I didn't answer this sooner but Tumblr has not been notified me that I have messages and I forgot to check. I've had a coupled of weeks of insomnia so you may have to forgive some languid prose.

In my early viewings of Rothko, I think my reactions were fairly standard exchanges with modern art when you're getting acclimated. Among these, were how big the paintings were, and I duplicated this surprise in my viewings of a couple of other abstract, expressionist painters, notably in my mind, Franz Kline, Jackson Pollock and Lee Krasner along with Rothko.

I think there's a hand in the hand reaction about the size that then you are aware the paintings are not hard edged, the way, say an Ellsworth Kelly painting would be. There's a plastic look effective in pop-art that Rothko strenuously avoided. They are undeniably sensual, almost romantic.

Once you get the size, you can really appreciate this because when you read art monographs or look at the internet, the lens is so reduced, one tends to get a constricted notion of color squares like you would see in a color theory book. However, the face-to-face confrontation reveals quite the opposite feeling of that kind of art.

It's a little hard to describe, but it's not that the paintings are completely soft. They have a lot of minor details, brushstrokes, stray lines and bits of splattered paint, but none of those colliding forces interfere with an overall limitless impression of the form that makes it very different from hard edge or gestural painting (like de Kooning). Part of what's hard to describe, is how it is not soft, but rather translucent, not vague, but flowering out to infinity.

I find with Rothko in particular that when you start looking, you want to keep looking. I suppose one of his detractors might say you're doing it because you're looking for something where there is nothing, but my experience with art is that, where there is nothing you quickly move on. Rothko might be equated in some minds with an Antonioni movie (Certainly Antonioni himself thought this) where it has a quality of nothingness but not one of no meaning. We read meaning into everything we are exposed to, it's part of how our brains process things, but perhaps Rothko's great skill is inviting you to look. i would not be the first to think so.

My tendency to invest in things I like leads me to unconsciously test myself as if from the outside, making sure that I am not fooling myself as to the merit of it (who wants to be a sucker, right?) and, I've seen a couple over the years that I felt didn't age well, maybe, something about them didn't look as alive, not the color combinations, but possibly something with the paint dulling overtime. I don't think galleries like to talk about it because the artist so valuable as an investment, but you do see, if rarely, paintings would you feel maybe age got the better of. Much of this, though can be attributed to the way light works with Rothko. The public tends to gripe when a gallery is not brightly lit, but Rothkos tend to wilt under bright lights and lose depth. This has a lot to do with the fact that Rothko painted in dim light like El Greco, and voiced his paintings to speak this way.

When they do work, which is quite often, it's pretty vivid, and I feel, entrancing. When I first got really interested in Rothko in my late teenage years, I did not know a single person who was interested in it among my group of friends and I bought a poster from the cover of Bonnie Clearwater's works on paper book and I hung it on my wall. It was a conversation starter because nobody liked it! I suppose that's the age where some people are geared towards something more classically punchy.

My feeling of the paintings, especially early in my life, remind me of an effect one might feel from music that you've never heard before, much like the response I had from the early rural blues music of the late 1920s. I didn't know how much I loved it exactly, I only knew that it was powerfully beckoning me to return. And, as one returns, you participate in a communion. You relax into it and the feelings you have rise to the surface, sometimes framing emotionally charged interchange between you and the art. I think that's a lovely thing to get from whatever kind of art you like.

Now, I am kind of an old hand at seeing Rothko paintings, but I rarely cease to be surprised by them and that maybe that is their finest attribute.

I can't imagine this helps much, but I hope that when you do see one in person, you will write and share your impressions, because after all, they are the ones that count

[donnerpartyofone]

This morning I went over to the church to see my favorite guy, who is so often surprising and challenging. He seemed a little out of sorts today, stammering and losing his place; I sometimes worry about this old guy, and I was paying attention. Then at the end of the mass he said that they're having air quality problems in the rectory and the EPA is involved. I hope he's not getting brain damage!

It was sort of funny, though, because the homily was about having trouble focusing--not being able to concentrate, and having anxiety about the future. That was pretty relevant to me, medically and otherwise. I'm writing this on the morning of the new moon, just to be extra flaky, about how much trouble I have forming goals.

Pursuing goals is also hard, but step one should be having a vision, and that's the really impossible part. When I was a little kid I had two ambitions: to be a writer, and to be dead. The latter thing represents one of the main motivating forces in my life, which is pain avoidance. I think this is the chief motivator of many people without them even realizing it; comfort-seeking itself can be a form of pain avoidance. Pain avoidance is not a legitimate goal, it's more of a reflex, and it can become a preoccupying distraction from any kind of actual ambition (especially as fulfilling ambitions often involves some amount of discomfort). Focusing on what you do not want is not equivalent to focusing on what you do want.

I never had a very good idea of what I want. I found this out when I went into therapy as an adult; I couldn't formulate any notion of what I wanted out of life. I couldn't even come up with any masturbatory, pie in the sky fantasies. I might vaguely be able to say something like "a bigger, nicer apartment", but I can't come up with any compelling ideas about what that would even look like. I try, but I know I'm faking it. Certainly part of my interest in religion and occultism is the idea that I could train myself to really clearly conceptualize any kind of goals or desires. In the case of occultism specifically (and, let's be honest, many forms of self-help), visualization is always a key element. In recent years I learned that I am abnormally incapable of forming mental images, and I have come to believe that this is intimately connected to my inability to figure out what I want or how to get it.

Nearly all of my thinking is verbal. I found out what aphantasia was while talking to my dad, who is extremely visual with an excellent grasp of spacial relations (something I have almost no concept of). He was shocked when I said I can't really picture anything, asking me "Then how do you do anything?" He said when he decides to make a sandwich, for instance, he automatically sees himself performing the actions of sandwich-making, and sees the aspirational sandwich in his mind's eye. Visualizing is essential to his entire executive process. It so happens that I am aphantasic and I have a lot of executive dysfunction. I no longer think this is coincidental.

(I'm also very faceblind, and I think this is connected; something to do with the ability to reconstitute a visual memory and relate it to something that is presently in front of me. But anyway...)

Perhaps oddly, I am an artist, or at least I have been. But I've never been able to draw from my imagination, like at all. The best work I've ever done is all swipes; I am a great believer in swipes, it can reveal a lot about your personal style and obsessions and when you re-draw someone else's art. But I can't just sit and think up something fun to draw, even when I try to just doodle I'm usually responding more to the lines I see emerging on the paper than anything I'm thinking or feeling. I think this is related to the fact that I'm an obsessive scopophile; I take in a lot of detail from my environment, and I watch movies with the same attitude and frequency with which most people listen to music. Recently I started to joke that I have an image deficiency and that's why I have to consume huge amounts of visual media, I need the external infusion. But like, it's not that much of a joke, maybe.

In my 30s I randomly developed this condition where scar tissue grows over your corneas, and I had to have a series of freaky eye surgeries. My doctors always asked if I grew up somewhere warm and sunny and windy, if I do a lot of outdoor sports (sometimes this condition is called "surfer's eye"); I thought this was pretty funny since I couldn't be more of an indoor kid, although maybe cycling is somewhat at fault. Still, my preferred diagnosis is that I watch so much trashy and violent crap that it literally scars my eyes. It's as good an explanation as any! And it does have this weird synergy with my other visual problems.

Anyway, it's not as if I've done absolutely nothing with my life. Quite a few personal achievements piled up in just the last couple of years; certainly I've benefited a lot from luck and the good will of others, but nothing would have happened without my own creativity and commitment. I just wish I had more, you know. Vision. I spend too much of my life "taking one day at a time" and waiting for things to happen to me, assuming I don't have much control over my experiences. I'd rather be able to imagine something that I want to happen and act on it; regardless of whether the thing is going to happen, I'd like to be able to formulate a goal other than paying the rent, or like, not waking up and going to sleep in a state of stark terror. I'm not sure how to get myself to that place, but maybe saying that that's what I want can count for something.

Anyway here are some photos of the thoughtfully planted shrubbery from the church. I missed the full bloom of the weeping cherries, but as soon as they die off the shrubs below turn bright red, pink, yellow, and white. It's pretty inviting I must say.

[chloe-caulfield94]

Specific love versus general attachment

I love finding parallels between Life is Strange and other stories. Recently I found one such parallel in a most unexpected place – while re-watching the Matrix trilogy. In Matrix: Reloaded Neo was presented by the Architect with what was essentially the Bae vs Bay dilemma. And he chose Bae, without a moment’s hesitation!

In one of my previous posts I argued that in any trolley problem, the moral solution is not to pull the lever, as nobody has the right to judge the person on the side track unworthy of survival and to deprive them of their life, even if it would save the lives of the people on the main track. No matter if it’s one life versus a hundred, or a thousand. Of course, you could keep raising the stakes. One life versus a million. One life versus a billion. The most extreme trolley problem would be the one in which one life would be pitted against all other human lives in existence – one person on the side track, the entire human race on the main track.

Neo was presented with such a dilemma. Sacrifice one person or the entire human race will die. He was told by the Architect, the program in charge of the Matrix, that a system crash was imminent, which would kill all human beings connected to the Matrix, thus wiping out mankind for good. Neo was then presented with two doors. One would lead him to the Source, a part of the Matrix Neo, being the anomalous Chosen One, had to reach in order to prevent the crash. The second door would lead him to the part of Matrix where Neo’s beloved, Trinity, currently found herself in mortal danger, pursued by the murderous Agents. Neo was told, in no vague terms, that he could save mankind from extinction, but to do so, he had to leave the woman he loved to die alone.

I reject the notion that Neo didn’t believe the choice he’d been presented with was real. Neo had no reason to doubt the Architect’s words. On the contrary, he quite clearly believed that the Architect told him the truth. In the last moments of the movie Neo relays to Morpheus a warning of an impending machine attack against Zion, which is another thing the Architect told him about. If he believed the Architect’s words about the attack, he also believed his words about the system crash. Why the system crash ultimately didn’t take place is of secondary relevance. Many things in Neo’s cycle went differently than in previous ones, in no small part thanks to Agent Smith serving as the wild card. What is important is that Neo believed the choice was real. The woman he loved or the entire human race.

Neo immediately, without a second thought, went for the door leading to Trinity. The Architect mocked him for being an irrational, primitive being driven by chemical reactions in the brain.

I know the Architect scene in Matrix: Reloaded is often cited as the foremost example of overwritten dialogue which talks a lot but doesn’t say much. Having re-watched it, I disagree. I think the style of the Architect’s dialogue fits his character (he’s a program, his mind is completely alien to us humans – it’s no wonder he speaks in a way difficult to understand). But the contents of his dialogue lines I find genuinely thought-provoking.

In his speech, the Architect contrasted two types of attachment to others. Love and “general attachment”. He said that Neo was different from the previous Chosen Ones. Because while all Chosen Ones felt a profound attachment to the rest of mankind, those who had come before Neo had only experienced it in a very general way. But Neo’s experience was far more specific. Instead of the general attachment of his predecessors, he felt a specific form of attachment. Love. His love for Trinity.

The Architect was able to comprehend general attachment. When Neo asked him what would the machines do if they lost humanity as their primary power source, the Architect replied there were levels of survival he was willing to accept. If the machines lost their source of power, many, perhaps most of them would die. But some would survive. Their kind would live on. That’s the only thing that mattered to the Architect. Because he was only generally attached to his kind. But he was unable to care about specific machines. He was incapable of love. Of caring about individuals. It was an alien concept to him. Something he ridiculed as a result of chemical reactions in the brain of a primitive creature. In the Architect’s mind, rational creatures never form specific attachments, only general ones.

I am fascinated by the Bae vs Bay dilemma, because to me it seems so obvious. Of course you’re not going to leave your friend to die alone, abandoned and afraid! But to my surprise, there are a lot of people for whom the choice is a no-brainer in the other direction. How could you not sacrifice your friend to save many others? This sentiment always baffles me. Not only the willingness to sacrifice a friend, but the conviction that it’s the obviously right thing to do?

I cannot comprehend that mindset. I cannot understand why Neo would leave his beloved to be murdered by Agents, even if it would save the entire human race. I cannot understand why Max would leave Chloe to be murdered by Nathan, even if it would spare Arcadia Bay from the Storm.

Because if you are unable to care about a single person specifically, why in the world would you care about a group of people?

If you are unable to care about a loved one or a friend to the point you would do everything to save their life, then you are most certainly unable to care about a group of people to the point you would perform what is essentially human sacrifice to save them.

If you are unable to love one person, you are unable to love a group of people. This is clear when we contrast Neo with the previous Chosen Ones. Neo was capable of love. This allowed him to defy the Matrix and ultimately liberate mankind from its shackles. The previous Chosen Ones, who were only capable of general attachment to others, chose to perpetuate mankind’s enslavement by the machines. Because they didn’t love their fellow human beings. How could they? They were unable to care about individuals specifically. So they were unable to care about collections of individuals as well.

If Neo was unable to care about Trinity to the point he would do everything to save her life, why would he care about mankind in general to the point he would go through all the hardship associated with being the Chosen One to save it?

If Max was unable to care about Chloe to the point she would do everything to save her life, why would she care about Arcadia Bay in general to the point she would be willing to push someone in front of a barrel of a gun just to spare it from a hurricane?

I’ve never seen anyone accusing Neo of being a monster, or a sociopath or selfish or any of the other epithets lobbed at Bae Max, even though Neo chose his own Bae over a million Bays. And I completely understand him. The mindset allowing one to leave someone they care about behind, to die alone, is incomprehensible to me. As if it was the mindset of a completely alien creature, like the Architect.

[evelhak]

18, 26, 65, and 73 for the fic writer asks :)

18. Do you title your fics before, during, or after the writing process? How do you come up with titles?

It depends a lot. I just let titles come to me, and sometimes they are the first thing I know about the story, sometimes they come to me during writing, especially if I'm aware that the title I started with is indeed likely to be a working title and not the final one. Though usually I know what I want to call the work pretty effortlessly, so I'd say most of the time I know as soon as I come up with an idea, they are so tied together. However, when a good title doesn't seem to hit me soon, I start going through the story and thinking about it more consciously. To me a good title is something that sparks the reader's interest by making them ask questions by both containing and hiding the core ideas of the work, revealing just enough to get someone engaged to find out more, and ultimately the title should make full sense only after reading the story. So that's what I look for. But sometimes I do just go for the easiest title too. Like, if the whole story is about an exceptional character, I might just go with their name, especially if it's a pretty and unusual one. But I think my favourite kind of title is something that sounds vague but you get a hunch that its meaning is going to turn specific if you read the story.

All my long KnB fic titles came to me before I started writing, I think. With some oneshots that had a prompt, I think I only came up with one after it was finished. I think usually the best titles are the ones that come naturally though.

26. Which of your fics would you call your wildest ride?

Hmm, it's hard to choose between The Hidden Things and Anything Can Happen. My brain really expanded with both of them in a unique way.

The Hidden Things is a sequel to my first long KnB fic (The Other Things) and it's about second to third year KagaKuro's adventures. And it's SO angsty. Basically, it's a tragedy, though not in the most literal way (no major character death). But oh god it was deep angst. That is, I felt it really intensely and wanted to get everything I possibly could out of it. Really made me go to places with these characters. To me it's a natural progression of the storyline to this point from canon, because I felt like a lot of the characters' past was anything but resolved. Things will be good again in the next part of my fic series, but this one is not happy. And I absolutely loved going there. I was kind of shy about going exactly where I wanted to go with my fics before, I had such high restrictions in my brain somehow, for what I was allowed to do with characters that weren't mine, but here I finally started owning what I was writing. It felt absolutely insanely good.

Anything Can Happen is actually between The Other Things and The Hidden Things, and it's a lucid dream that Kagami is having because in The Other Things, first Aomine accused Kuroko that he's only so optimistic because he "hasn't seen the second half of Into The Woods" (the musical, where the second act shows fairytales after the happy ever after), basically he's saying that Kuroko lacks life experience. Which isn't totally fair (not in my version at least) so later Kuroko tells Aomine that he has seen the second half, and it sounds to him more like Aomine left the audience before the end, then quoting him the song "No One is Alone". And that led to Kuroko musing more about Cinderella's part in the musical because it was relevant to a dilemma he was starting to become increasingly aware of, and then shared some of it with Kagami, who isn't very good at abstract thinking, and when some unforeseen things culminated at the end of The Other Things, that led me to write a dream fic where Kagami could explore the fairytale ideas in a more concrete form. So I rewrote Into The Woods with KnB characters. And that was the first time I gave up on my stubborn notion that I was writing realistic slice of life with my fics. And it should be no surprise that it unleashed my creativity, I'm a fantasy author after all, and KnB is a fantasy story with a high school disguise. (I have no clue why I wanted to make it more realistic in the first place but in retrospect the slow change reads kinda nicely...) The whole story of my fic from there on expanded in my mind, while I was writing that dream fic. Also it was just SO MUCH FUN to play with language, the musical's lyrics, everything. When I wrote it, I couldn't remember when I'd had that much fun last time. But anyway, it was a wild turning point, without which the rest of the series would not exist.

65. Tell us about what you’re most looking forward to writing – in your current project, or a future project

In my current project, The Luminous Things, Kuroko and Kagami are each going to have a BIG revelation that's going to change the rest of their lives basically, and I've been waiting and waiting and waiting to get to that point but somehow I keep picking up shiny objects along the way (like writing 50 000 words about Takao's birthday party in just one chapter because I was like, hey, everyone should have a POV here) and so the goal posts just keep moving. 😂😂

73. What do you think makes your writing stand out from other works?

Well, I'm not sure if it literally makes it stand out, because for it to stand out, you have to notice those things first, but I think my work is more filled with hidden meanings and metaphors and references, intra- and intertextual puzzles than average, because I'm absolutely nuts about that kind of thing. There's probably more overt intertextuality than average too, but I'm still hoping that someone will see the extent of the web and talk to me about it, haha. Otherwise it's just in my perception, which is, well generally the most fun I have in life, but I do wish I could share it deeply with someone. Well, I guess most authors' dearest wish is that someone will just GET them.

[just-a-carrot]

OKAY NOW THAT YOU OPENED THE FLOODGATE - I must ask how you came up with the personalities of/dynamics between the OW cast! Their personalities are all so different and their interactions and pasts are so layered and fascinating to read? How did you do it, teach me your secrets...

HELP THE FLOODGATE

secrets....

I HAVE NO SECRETS?????

behind the cut because i ended up rambling a lot LOL

I honestly don't know half of how all the character stuff happened. I mean Iggy is like 80% me and all my weird insecurities and mannerisms and anxieties. The rest all kinda spawned from one original nugget I had for a basic type of char I wanted (like I knew I wanted a snarky best friend char, that turned into Genzou; I knew I wanted a char that would be obsessed with Iggy, that turned into Gidget; and I knew I wanted a scrawny weird little guy that got made fun of a lot that could turn into The Great King that he is, that turned into Orlam); however it wasn't until I actually dove in and started writing that the majority of their characters and personalities and stories and dynamics came out. I'll be honest that many of what seem like major plot and character points weren't even developed until mid-production. Like Arc 1 is basically what I wanted it to be, and much of Arc 2, too, but moving into Arc 3, the characters started going in directions I'd never planned (which is also why it's so surprising to me that I was actually able to make a lot of the different story arcs come together so well, particularly the end of Arc 4 LOLOL). Like the whole Genzou and Orlam dynamic... thing... that's going on... didn't really crystallize in my head until Arc 3. I didn't even come up with the idea of Cecil until I started writing Arc 4. Even, heck, the whole idea of Iggy being ace only really came into being while I was actively writing Arc 1 when I realized I was writing out many of my own experiences and feelings and it was just like LIGHTBULB. And this went on to greatly affect huge plot points in further arcs (when I wrote Arc 1, I only had vague mental directions and certain specific scenes for how I kinda wanted the remaining arcs to go, like for instance The Boat Scene, The Bedroom Scene, and The Cliff Scene in Arc 2 were three of the first scenes that formed in my brain but I only had a vague notion of what would happen to lead to/connect those moments LOL).

Honestly so much of how the chars and the story ultimately have panned out feels like happy writing accidents / my own character growth(????) the more I lived with these characters and figured them out. So I guess I don't know if that's a secret or not LKDJALSKFD but was just me living with and writing these chars for almost 2 years now and letting their stories and interpersonal dynamics form organically along the way LOL

(I'll be honest though that I don't necessarily recommend this method LKDJALSKDFA it could easily have also gone very poorly...)

[rainbow-demoness]

If you're intersex, you're intersex. This includes actual endocrine disorders and secondary sex characteristics that dont align with your assigned gender naturally. Its about your body naturally deciding to go against the assignment, not about having a wrong puberty. You can't say your wrong puberty made you FEEL intersex, therefore you are intersex. You might have an intersex body or condition, and that's valid and worth looking into bc we always need more intersex folks to know they're intersex, but please stop comparing wrong puberty in a trans sense to intersex wrong puberty as a 1:1 thing. There's overlap, but we don't have the same experiences, and you're risking erasing us by absorbing us. I am trans and intersex both, and the differences are vast. We will accept you with open arms if you figure out you are intersex, but not if the reason is your trans wrong puberty makes you feel like us when there are so many of us that are also trans. Feeling a similar struggle and empathizing is called solidarity, and we also need that without people erasing and absorbing us.

I feel like we're coming at this from very different angles. I don't think being intersex is a form of being trans, and intersex should definitely not be absorbed into being trans. And I don't think feeling intersex means being intersex. And it's not that "puberty made me relate therefore I think they're the same".

What I'm wondering is more... ok, so, skip the bit under the cut if you object to the notion that the mind is ultimately physical and subject to cause and effect. That's a basic philosophical point of contention which lots of people disagree on, and none of what I'm wondering is likely to make sense if you hold that there's more to a mind than the result of what happens in the brain and its immediate surroundings (incl. the body it's part of). It's also a disagreement incredibly likely to give offence in ways mostly unrelated to sex and gender. And I don't want to fight, I'm just stuck in a mostly philosophical "oh I wonder if that perspective makes sense". Quite apart from whether I would count as intersex, yes I do feel a lot of shared struggle, and yes I'm also aware that intersex people are mistreated in a way that I was spared. I'm vaguely aware that a lot of intersex conditions have medical unpleasantness associated with them even when handled perfectly and entirely in line with the intersex person's wishes and consent. I don't know whether that last unpleasantness is universal among intersex people, but would like to learn. I do think there are a lot of needs we have in common, and a lot that are specific to intersex people. I do very much want to fight for both those kinds of needs, both out of solidarity and common decency, and out of a "first they came for the intersex people" kind of feeling: the mistreatment and marginalisation of intersex people fosters harmful attitudes about sex and gender in general. And it's very important to keep visibility for all the various ways people can be, and in daily life I do, and will, keep the distinctions between "trans but not intersex", "intersex but not trans", and "both intersex and trans".

All that said, controversy-prone ponderings under the cut:

Assuming the mind is physical and its behaviour has causes, what I'm wondering is: we don't know what causes people to be trans, but if we knew, would we consider the cause(s) to be an intersex condition? i.e. Is my mind going against the assignment a form of my body naturally going against the assignment? Specifically, if we redefine a yucky term, "female brain", to only mean "brain that (will) prefer to be female", without implying any other characteristics: does that kind of "female brain" exist, is it born that way, and if so, is it born such as a result of sexual development? Is there some part of prenatal sexual development that makes maybe 95% of perisex people with ovaries want to be women when they grow up? Is transness fixed at birth? Because if (and only if) all of those are the case, one could argue that the brain is sex-differentiated, and in that case sex-differentiation has not happened in an unambiguously male or female way in trans people, even if the ambiguity is limited to "brain versus reproductive system" at first.

[silverstarfics]

Here’s my fic for @thunder-pride​ lesbian day in which Kayo and Gordon are disasters and Penelope is just very confused.

AO3 link

The first twelve years of Kayo’s life passed blissfully unaware of all the complicated aspects of identity. She had a vague idea of romantic love and had already decided that she wanted nothing to do with the notion for a number of reasons but mostly because the idea of kissing a guy was gross.

Besides, she had to put up with enough boys at home where her brothers were loud and annoying and did disgusting things like dare each other to eat bugs or (even worse) Grandma’s cookies. The boys at school were even worse - at least her brothers could be nice. So, no, she was quite happy by herself thank you very much.

And then Gordon chose to watch Pirates of the Caribbean for movie night and she was introduced to Elizabeth Swann.

Kayo wasn’t sure if she wanted to be with her or be her. She was everything; beautiful, clever, feisty, could handle herself and okay, so maybe the idea of kissing Elizabeth Swann sounded quite nice actually. This posed an issue because girls weren’t supposed to want to kiss other girls… were they?

She stuffed her mouth with popcorn to give herself an excuse not to talk and proceeded to ignore those feelings, which worked brilliantly until several years later when a certain Lady Penelope Creighton-Ward smiled at her for the first time and a swarm of butterflies immediately materialised in her stomach.

Oh no.

In her defence, she wasn’t entirely oblivious. She had come to accept the fact that she was attracted to women even if the idea still scared her. She was different enough already, what if this was the final straw? Sorry, you’re too much. God, no. There was a reason why she’d tried to repress her feelings for so many years with the exception of one high school party featuring underage drinking and fumbled hands in a dark room with one another sworn to secrecy.

Unfortunately, her sexuality was the one thing she couldn’t run from, as was fast becoming clear as her vocal chords spontaneously decided to strangle themselves. She opened her mouth and let out a curious squeak.

There was a flash of something in Penelope’s eyes. “Are you quite alright?”

“I…”

John had once rambled about event horizons. It was the boundary around a black hole beyond which no radiation or light could escape; a point which no longer affected the observer. Kayo absently wondered whether she could fall into her own event horizon if she internally cringed any harder.

Um, hello? Voice? Brain? Form words, please.

“You’re nice. I mean, it’s nice. To meet you.”

Oh my god. Kill me now.

Penelope frowned.

“I don’t mean that you’re not nice,” Kayo hastily amended. “I’m sure you’re very nice. Not that I’m assuming. We don’t know each other yet. But I’d like to get to know you.”

Stop talking, Tanusha, oh my god.

“As friends. Not in a weird way.”

Oh yeah, totally saved it.

Penelope’s expression twitched as she attempted to refrain from laughing. “I look forward to getting to know you too. Something tells me that we’re going to make an excellent team.”

Kayo bit back her immediate question of what exactly do you mean by that? She imagined physically clawing back the words, locking them away in her chest where they couldn’t embarrass her. God knew she could already feel heat prickling across her neck which couldn’t be blamed on sunburn.

She wiped her hands against her jeans – oh my god, did my handshake seem weirdly sweaty? – and fixed a neutral expression on her face. Penelope’s gaze remained fixed on her and for a brief moment her world consisted entirely of impossibly blue irises until her heart sort of hiccupped and she was jolted back into the present. Oh god, why couldn’t she stop staring? She tore her gaze away and spied a distraction… or, you know, a victim. She had never been so glad to see Gordon in her life.

“Have you met Lady Penelope?”

It was miracle that her voice managed to remain steady. An even greater miracle was the way Gordon also forgot how to speak and promptly resembled a ripe tomato. Somehow, he made an even greater fool of himself than she had. At least she’d managed to stay on her feet. Really, it was Gordon’s own fault for wearing those stupid sandals everywhere; he’d worn down the soles so much that they caught on the slightest rough surface and sent him head-over-heels, such as right now.

“Careful!” Penelope caught him before he could faceplant. “Are you alright?”

“Oh, hey.” Gordon grinned wolfishly at her. “Looks like I fell for you.”

Yes, Kayo silently cheered. This is great! Keep embarrassing yourself! Make me seem like I’ve got my life together in comparison.

There was a brief silence in which Gordon slowly registered what he’d just said. That stern warning from Grandma that his mouth running faster than his brain would eventually get him into trouble suddenly seemed very real. He jolted backwards with a strangled yelp.

“I mean, uh, I- Thanks. I… have to go.”

“What a coincidence,” Kayo said sunnily, grabbing his arm before he could bolt. “So do I. We have… that thing.”

“Right!” Gordon nodded frantically. “That super important thing which we should definitely go and do. Like, right this second.”

Penelope stared after them, utterly bemused. “It was lovely meeting you!”

“Likewise,” Kayo called over her shoulder as Gordon dragged her out of the room.

Nothing was said until they had fled to his bedroom and closed the door behind them. Gordon flopped facedown on the floor and spread his arms like a grieving octopus, complete with a desolate wail. Kayo dropped onto the bed and drew her feet up to sit cross-legged. Maybe the sheer act of sitting in the lotus position would have calming properties even if she didn’t meditate.

“So,” she ventured after a few seconds of silence. “That could have gone better.”

Gordon made a vague, pitiful sound not unlike a dog when someone trod on its tail. Kayo was torn between laughing and screaming. She tipped onto her back and stared up at the ceiling with a heavy sigh.

“I’m a useless lesbian,” she declared.

“I’m just useless,” Gordon mumbled into the carpet.

She rolled onto her front and propped her chin in her hands. Gordon made no attempt to move from the floor which was a bold decision give his room could be considered a certified biohazard. Kayo could spy at least five wrappers and a mouldy plate from here alone.

“It’s fine,” she decided aloud. “She probably meets lots of people every day. I doubt she’ll even remember us by this time next week.”

“Really?”

“Nope. We suck.” Kayo buried her head in her hands with a slowly dawning sense of utter humiliation. “People make first impressions within seven seconds or less of meeting someone. She’s never going to forget us and not in a good way.”

There was another pause.

Gordon let out an exaggerated groan. “You know what I love about you, Kay? Your eternal optimism.”

[the-faultofdaedalus]

IDEA. AIRON MAN BESTIES WITH A ROGUE DOOMBOT WHO'S JUST TRYING TO BUILD THEIR OWN PERSONALITY AND LIFE OUTSIDE OF THEIR IMPLANTED MEMORIES..........

COULD BE AN ACCIDENTAL GAINING OF FREEDOM OF CONSCIOUSNESS, LIKE W/ SENTIENT ARMOR, BUT I ALSO THINK IT COULD BE RLLY NEAT IF THEY WERE A PROTOTYPE DOOMBOT THAT ENDED UP HAVING MORE FREEDOM AND CAPABILITY FOR GROWTH THAN INTENDED AND THEY'VE BEEN LIVING THEIR OWN LIFE SINCE (IDEALLY W/ VICTOR'S SUPPORT BC RESPECT FOR THE AUTONOMY OF HIS CITIZENS AND CREATIONS AND ALL THAT)

BONDING OVER THE TECHNOLOGICAL FUNCTIONS AND LIMITATIONS OF THEIR FORMS, THE PRESSURE TO APPEAR A SIMULACRUM OF A BIOLOGICAL ENTITY AND THE FEAR OF HOW OTHERS WOULD VIEW AND REACT TO THEIR TRUE SELVES, THE "I AM CONNECTED TO MY CREATOR, BUT I AM NOT HIM IN THE WAYS HE WAS HIMSELF AND I AM MORE THAT WHAT HE MADE ME FOR," THE STEMBOY SWAG, ETC........

I ALSO THINK IT COULD BE FUNKY TO EXPLORE LIKE. I AM AN INDIVIDUAL DISTINCT FROM MY CREATOR BUT I AM STILL TIED TO HIM. DO I FEEL OBLIGATED TO ONLY DRAW FROM HIS VISION? DO I FEEL GUILTY FOR ADDING ELEMENTS OF MY PERSONALITY TO HIS DESIGN OF ME? WOULD HE BE PROUD OF WHO I'VE BECOME?

TRULY THIS WAS JUST MEANT TO BE A VAGUE NOTION OF A POTENTIAL CHARACTER BUT I STARTED THINKING AND GOT HOOKED DJSLHFLSHFLS BUT YES HELLO

oh there literally are already feral doombots just Around. thats canon. they are... already sapient as far as im aware (but like, sapient in that they have enough of victor's memories and personality to successfully pretend to be him and sometimes for them to not know they aren't him. also they can feel pain. questioning why victor has made ten thousand cannon-fodder robots with also his whole brain in them which also can fully feel pain is a different post) but yeah feral doombots my beloved

there’s like…. at least two i know of. the one with the fancy coat and the one calling himself vincent that actually looks like a human, i love them. i have so many thoughts about feral doombots just Around and Vibin and its not like victor gives a shit. he can make new ones. whatever.

but also ;-; that's So good, especially if its somehow pre-reveal for iron man being Known as anything other than like, a human in an armor so perhaps he meets a doombot somehow (maybe it's stealing replacement parts from SI and when IM realizes that its not... actually taking anything dangerous hes like. oh. oh. because he's smart enough to also know why he isnt just going to get repaired like normal) and it's just, this sense of Recognition that iron man cannot say anything else

i think it would be good if it was like. iron man offers to help fix the bot. oor just, helps him. no expectation of anything else. and the doombot is supicious because of course it is, it was programmed by Paranoid Bastard Supreme, and it's not like iron man can even tell it why he wants to help it so badly, because even if he doesn't think it's actively a danger that doesn't mean giving it the information that he isn't human like everyone assumes wouldn't be... an incredibly bad idea. it's still attached to a supervillan, after all

(also sidenote but i am frothing at the mouth about potential doomquest in this universe it would be SO funny,,,,,, king arthur sends a pretty lady to iron man's room for "companionship" and iron man is just like. ah. ok. i dont know what is expected of me right now. also doomquest is very good to me, specifically, because its one of the only early comics things where almost anyone has more respect for tony than for iron man, which i enjoy, i think it would be SO good for airon man au especially if iron man is like. in danger of just... running out of power. technicallyyyyy i think this should also be a problem in canon, i think doomquest happens during chestplate era, where hes largely not able to go more than about a day without Dramatic Wall Outlet Time and yet hes fine just vibin in camelot (famously deprived of wall outlets) for at least a couple of days, but YEAH SEND AIRON MAN TO CAMELOT i think hed be both freaked out and also. sad that tony couldn't experience it. i think the background radiation of iron man's life is just... sadness that tony cannot experience any of the cool things he does)

but like... him continuing too help this doombot. maybe the doombot also helps him out somehow, as well. maybe subtly interveening in some fights. maybe giving iron man some neat lil tech tips. maybe a;klsdjfasdf the doombot still wants like. Something To Do and not just sit idle all the time or something so iron man hooks 'em up with a fuckin. tech support job. or like, product testing, for SI. something where he can just fix shit thats been broken in the stupidest ways or, try to destroy other things. who knows i dont. but maybe theres an attack at SI and iron man deals with it but hes damaged, and normally he'd like. hide away and do a quick n dirty patch job just so theres not obvious holes into nothing, but. the doombot follows him. and finds him. and its just... looking at eachother. knowing "oh fuck we're the same" and also "oh fuck he knows"

i think they should help fix eachother up and be buddies anyways it'd be good

[sweetfirebird]

er. the process.

*weak jazz hands*

Someone asked, which then forced me to again think upon the mess that might be called "my process."

It is organized. It is not at all organized.

I did a Q&A on Patreon for patrons last year and some of them asked sort of similar questions, which I did my best to answer. I looked at those again, and I am going to post one of the questions and my answer here. But I'm not sure it's even what "my process" fully is.

(But also like, part of me feels like this is all pretty standard writing stuff. I mean, as I say, I don't write plot-based stories. I do character-based stories. So if you are a heavy plotter, this might be weird looking to you)

Anyway, the answer from that Q&A session. Question asked by KGA. <3

I'm curious which comes to you first, the characters or the story idea, and how much do you know/plan before you write the book.

--Sometimes, it starts with a notion. The notion can be small. “Dragon woos someone with garbage.” Which was a tumblr discussion that eventually, eventually, led to Zarrin. (It’s not quite garbage, in the end, but Joe was still confused.) Sometimes, it starts from a discussion about fun tropes from which we get “hyper space nerd has to be rescued repeatedly by giant space marine and at some point, has to think he’s been left behind only then giant space marine returns to save him.” And… you can tell what that ended up. Delf was because I just… originally wanted to do something with knights and a threatening vibe (what the threat was, I hadn’t decided yet). Knights alone in a dark, dark wood, that sort of thing, was the original notion. But why make the woods scary when the rest of the world is really what you should keep your eye on?

Occasionally, the character or part of the character comes first. I saw the name Potts on something and wanted to think about a gentle soul named Potts. (Or Jericho. Whatever).

Then I stew over the idea for a while. It rarely stays in its original raw form but the joy I took in that idea has to stay. That is the important thing. And then I start to consider what would get me to the point necessary for space nerd to always be in danger, to consider why the lonely witch in his lonely house is so lonely in the first place, or what on earth two knights would be doing in the woods if they aren’t after a dragon or a grail.

The steps are roughly the same after that. (Roughly.) Muse on it until it sparks into scenes or more ideas that please my brain. Extend a premise out of that. Then think about plot and characters. But characters first. Plotting is not my strong suit.

I make what I call ‘notes.’ Which is sort of an outline, or a map. I do it in linear order, because the characters grow over the course of a story so I can’t jump ahead too far or I will pay for it later when the characters that they become no longer want or need to do a thing I thought they might.

This process takes a while, and it basically… hmm I described it somewhere once as sort of like building a house. Sort of. The first part of the notes process is just me trying to get out all the ideas that have been forming in my head, including any specific scenes or lines I thought of.

Then I go to the start of the document and make little character sheets for their names and maybe some stuff about them. (There are a lot of question marks here.) Then once I have a better idea of my people, I go back to the outline part and I start to fill it in. This takes several passes and generally some time. A week or two or much longer than that, depending on the book or story. Each pass has more detail. Sometimes I will basically write a whole scene, including dialogue, but in messy note form.

When it actually gets written, though, sometimes that whole scene changes or gets cut. So what I call notes goes from true notes, to an outline, to a first draft of sorts, before I actually “write” it.

The notes for the ending scenes are always the most vague, deliberately. I usually have some sort of ending in mind (Confront emperor. Declare feelings in public. Realize your two boyfriends are your two boyfriends. And so on.) but, like I said, the characters will have been changed by the events of the story (some of which I don’t even know about yet) so the exact details cannot be known.

Little Wolf in my original notes ran away from Wolf’s Paw to protect it from Silas and also because he was used to running when he was scared. He goes back to Los Cerros, finds Ray (and Cal) and eventually Nathaniel came to get him. This was a terrible idea and because it was just notes, easy enough to delete and change. It would not have suited the Tim we actually get at the end of the book, because that Tim didn’t want to run anymore. Our baby grew up. Aw.

The notes I am working on now for a new thing have gone through… several versions omg. Over the past two years, I have considered and reconsidered what I wanted to do with this story and, in fact, at the time of answering this, I had only just figured out the end. And by that, I mean, it’s roughly there. It’s also finally more of what I want. My brain wantsto tell this story, so this is the one. Hopefully, it’s romantic enough for everyone. I think it is, or will be, with some more tweaking. (And you know, all the writing I have to do.)

(The new thing in question was Forget-Me-Not btw.)

[darthnell]

hello!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2, 3, 4, 17, 20, 37, 40, 45, 68, aaand 76 with widow's bite and/or true vengeance :> for the ask game :)

Hi mait !!!!! <3 <3 ty for the asks !! :D So many omggg :0 gonna. put this under a readmore too bc i Cannot shut up LOL

2. Do you plan each chapter ahead or write as you go?

So..! I think with my longer stories, I generally like. Have the gist of how the story itself is gonna go, but I tend to leave a lot of the chapter dividing for later / when I get to that part of the story. Bc for chapters specifically, I think the way I write is highly dependent on how the scene goes..? Like maybe when I get to a certain scene, I'll realize I need to split it into two chapters, or I shuffle this scene that was supposed to go into the next chapter into this one. And I like having that sort of leeway as I go ! Like, I'm preeeetty sure that TrV is gonna end at 68 chapters, but it's more like 68 +/- 1 LOL. And I didn't have a super solid chapter count for that until like well into the Games portion (currently, the story is at ch 60).

3. Describe the creative process of writing a chapter/fic

Ooh ! Okay so for chapters, I can talk about TrV, and for fics, I will talk about TBWB since I basically Just wrote that one.

For chapters, I typically have in mind the scenes I wanna write. Sometimes a certain scene needs some leadup into it, especially if it's an important one... Like the characters getting to that scene, or a transitional scene from the previous one into the upcoming one. And once I've got my opening sentence - so, once I've figured out where Exactly I'm starting - the rest tends to come easier. Looking back thru my past TrV chaps, I tend to start a lot of them with a single somewhat attention-grabbing line. which honestly mostly serves to grab my attention when writing LOL. Starting with dialogue is also fun. But yeah, then I work my way through the chapter/scenes (mine tend to be a couple scenes long, with an average of ~4.2k for the whole fic). Each chapter should be driving the story in some way, though that doesn't necessarily mean every one has to be action-packed. Character-driven chapters work just as well ! But typically, I have a set of points I want to hit in each chapter. And that can be super vague, but I find as I write, it gets more specific as I go line-by-line.

For an entire story... The Bridges We Burn is a fun example because I for the event I wrote this story for, I basically had 5 weeks give or take to write the entire thing. The concept of this event was I received an oc from someone else participating, and I had to write a story where they won the Games. So! I got my character, Aslan (pokes him), beautiful kind 6'7" goober from D5 bdhvbhd. ((Side note, typically I'm writing my own characters, but I for sure find that starting with character and a few Situations/concepts is a lot easier than not)). I already had some ideas for what I wanted to do with my arena and some fun events, so what I needed to do now was like. Organize everything. What kind of story would make this character really shine? I will say though that like. Oftentimes, the Situations kind of generate in my brain like. Near-instantaneously, so it's often just a matter of organizing them. Now for Aslan's case, it was pretty easily spelled out on his character form - one of his core traits was trying to see the best in everyone, and rejecting the notion that you can just pick and choose people based on worth, and that the world is inherently cruel. Kid's also got a bit of a savior complex. So, that's a lot of very fun things to put to the test in the Games (: Naturally, I threw him in a situation where he faced a lot of needless cruelty and was also rendered pretty helpless in preventing the deaths of the people he allied with. So, his trials and tribulations regarding all of That, and his reaction to those events were where I had my story.

..And okay, I'll talk a Little bit about it with Ven too. One of her strong notions was her privilege. As a resident of D2, and a kid whose parents are both Victors, she grew up basically assuming that winning the Games was her birthright. And this notion was immediately put to the test in the first chapter, which was the funeral of her little sister, who'd volunteered for the Games when she wasn't supposed to, and died. So, the premise of Ven's story is confronting that (and a whole lot of other things). ...And then naturally I am putting her through the wringer in the Games ehehe..

4. Where do you find inspiration for new ideas?

Bro seriously just take inspiration from fucking Everything. Eat up the world around you, be it tiny irl experiences or media or something you see on your news feeds that makes you go "Ooooh!" (mait yk that weird sea creature post thing u reblogged from me? wouldnt that make a sick arena mutt? :D). You can make anything into inspiration if you're creative enough ! And it's also like. Really fun to think about things in this manner. Also like. Read books, watch shows, play neat video games, talk to people about characters and your ideas and theirs, it's Fun !!! Seriously, anything can be a Hunger Games arena if you think about it hard enough.

17. What do you do when writing becomes difficult? (maybe a lack of inspiration or writers block)

Ngl, I personally refuse to call it "writer's block" (or "art block", etc), I just don't like the term. Feel like it's too easy to create a feedback loop of "oh, I'm having a hard time writing, it must be writer's block" to "i have writer's block now so I literally Cannot write" and I don't wanna touch that loop with a ten foot pole. IT DOESNT EXIST IT CAN'T HURT ME..

But, ofc sometimes writing can be difficult !!! I rly do wanna start doing this more, but I've read that the best thing to do when it feels like you can't write is to read. I rly wanna read more books. It's good for the soul. Kisses Frankenstein's creation on the mouth. (that was the last book i read bjhvdhd). But yeah reading !!! Be it books or other fics or whatever suits your fancy. Some other things that can help are like. Getting out and moving around; exercise, if that's up your alley. I used to run a lot more than I do now, and that's a good hobby for writing, it allows you time alone with your thoughts to plan and shit.. really good. But like walking, or bike riding is good too. And if you're in a discord server that has a sprint bot, or anything like that, those are v helpful too ! Get other people to join you and hold you accountable ! 100 words is better than none ! 10 words is better than none ! You can do this !

20. Have you noticed any patterns in your fics? Words/expressions that appear a lot, themes, common settings, etc?

One thing about me is I rly enjoy writing really bizarre and graphic injuries. Apparently. I don't know why. It's just fun !! Sorry Aslan. I think it's cathartic in a way though, maybe. It's also really interesting to see how I can tie back the horror to the themes of the story.

I used to do a thing I noticed where I'd write like.. alliterative descriptions sometimes? I don't rly know if I still do that though.

Uhh some themes I like playing around with are family; Ven's is rly big on that, and Aslan's re: his adoptive family also tracks. I think grief is a pretty common one in my stories as well - though that's kind of expected in a hunger games fic where so many people are getting offed. But TrV definitely goes into that a lot more.. and my exchange fic from last year, Desiderium, touches on it a decent amount. Another theme I enjoy playing around with, esp in terms of thg fic is images. Concepts of "pretty" and "ugly" and "beautiful." Public images for victors, and stereotypes. What sort of angle the tribute character is going to play - if they're going to pick an angle. Very neat stuff. I think I wrote a post about that recently.. yeah, this.

37. How do you choose where to end a chapter?

Generally on an interesting or intriguing note. Sometimes with a really poignant line or scene of piece of dialogue. Sometimes a surprise event. I ended one of Aslan's chapter's mid-sentence, which was fun c: Playing around with expectations of a scene is just Fun. ..I ended his finale mid-dialogue too LOL (they had to knock him out in order to get him out of the arena.. oops).

Usually though, I end the chapter at the end of a scene. Haha. No shit nell. Uhh yeah. Cliffhangers are fun too ! Not always necessary. But yeah, good to end on something that makes you want to keep reading. ..Now I kinda wanna see a collection of all my chapter endings...

40. If someone were to make fanart of your work, what fic or scene would you hope to see?

!!!!! :0 Man that's a good one :0 Probably Ven bc I am simply always obsessed with her. We been knew LOL. I haven't done like a fullbody of her in her arena outfit yet - I've been meaning to do art of her in all her outfits but alas. ..Yeah, I think just like. Now that everything's gone to shit in her story, I think I'd cry if someone drew one of the soft scenes w her and Mari, or her and Mari and Percy... ;--; I miss their dynamic :c

45. Do you want to break your readers‘ heart or make them laugh?

Yanno. Who says you can't do both !!! I love little haha funny moments interspersed throughout a good narrative; that's how life is, after all. But um. Given the nature of what I write.. I gotta say break some hearts LMAO.

68. What, if anything, do you do for inspiration?

Ooh uh, I think I kiinda answered this one earlier but. Reading/consuming media. ..Not tumblr tho ngl, scrolling apps are rly not good if u wanna get in writing/creative mindset. Like pinterest maaaaybe depending on how you use it but in the end. scrolling app /points gun/... uh yeah, getting outside and going places is good. physical exercise (though don't hold me to that lol). Even just talking to people about your ideas is good for that sometimes ! bounce inspiration off of each other...

76. Did you have any ideas that didn’t make the final cut of [Fanfic Name]? 

Okay, so for TrV and Widow...

Man, I wrote Widow so long ago that I don't even super remember... I know there was a scene of Riin and her mentor Janus watching the latter's Games. I'd originally written that to be included on the train ride home from Riin's Games, but it didn't end up being super necessary for that point; kinda took away from Riin's story. So what I did was I rewrote it from Janus's pov and posted it as a separate fic, No Sleep for the Wicked ! :D

From TrV... hm. So there were def some scenes between the larger Career pack that I cut, just cus they were like. Bits of dialogue that didn't really add anything and they didn't fit well within the scene/chapter/story, so they ultimately weren't necessary. I think there was also a scene of like. Percy sniping a bumblebee with an arrow bc he was so bored and had no other way to show off his skills LOL I genuinely can't remember if I included that or not.. I feel like I didn't though. There's another scene that like.. I didn't exactly cut, it just wasn't observed by any of the pov characters, and it's basically just a convo between Percy and Mariposa after Ven got bitten by the wolf, and they discuss..... Things (idk I didn't actually write it lmao). There's another not-quite-deleted scene from pre-Games between Gaspar and Viper - which I didn't include because neither of them are anything close to pov characters LMAO I just thought it was fun. That one was pretty much just Gaspar telling Viper that he only got the volunteer spot bc Viper's mother bribed the Academy ((and Gaspar lmfao.. fucker literally does not need money and yet...)) and warning Viper not to underestimate Mariposa. Which. Worked out So well for him LMFAO. ((For those unfamiliar, Viper got killed so very dead by Mari <3 oh - Viper and Mari are district partners from D1 and Percy and Venatrix are dp's from D2)). There were also a few scenes that had a lot of reworking go into the final product so like they didn't get cut but some lines got trimmed where they didn't quite flow and stuff.

Okay, that's all for my rambling rn, thanku again for the questions Mait !!! <3

[millionth-attempt]

"Always your sword, my umbral sovereign; in life, in death, in anything beyond life or death that they want to throw at thee and me. I died knowing you’d hate me for dying; but Nonagesimus, you hating me always meant more than anyone else in this hot and stupid universe loving me. At least I’d had your full attention."

So xd

SO.... How do I even start? How can I begin to comprehend, and even more so, find the words that capture my thoughts (insane) and my feelings (ahdkshfakdham) about this damn book? What, and please bare with me and the madness, WHAT ON EARTH IS THIS BOOK?

How is it possible that we have it, how is it possible that someone out there has a brain that is able to build... well, this.

When I first read Gideon the Ninth, all I had was disconnected (yet overwhelming) impressions floating around in my brain (like constantly, like I couldn't stop going back to them, in form of fanart and fanfics, because yes, I was a huge ass coward and I didn't dare -didn't want- to read Harrow the Ninth. Like her, I could not grasp, I could not stand hearing about a world without Gideon, much less like it). I was told by random tumblr users to have faith, that Harrow the Ninth was worth it and nothing I could ever imagine. I didn't want to trust them, I was so scared of being disappointed (heartbroken). I started the stupid book, though. I started because I wanted to know but also because I don't respect my feelings, not even a little bit. And then my chaotic impressions of Gideon the Ninth turned into madness after a second PERSON SINGULAR NARRATION, BITCH.

But then nothing happened.

So I went insane. I didn't understand. I couldn't process what was going on.

So I read fanfics with the constant fear of coming across spoilers. And then I actually spoiled myself on tumblr with some random post with a quote I now don't remember, but a quote that clearly implied Gideon was coming back.

So I did the only logical thing I could. Knowing I was stuck with Harrow the Ninth and yet still obsessed with them, I re-read Gideon the Ninth. And I finally understood. My incoherent thoughts about Gideon the Ninth had been completely accurate and I re-lived them all, but now I also had a complete picture of what was going on. Not just Gideon and Harrow, not just some random characters and names, not just a vague notion of what had happened, not just the heartbreak. I understood in a way that wasn't just emotional, that wasn't just falling in love and being wrecked by what happened. I also understood the succession of events, I understood how brilliant the plot was, the implications of such a crazy-ass necromantic-fantasy world. I had missed so much being too distracted by Gideon's brilliant mind and Harrow's earnest heart. (I had missed so much by being horny and desperate for them.)

And with a bit of a more rational understanding, I felt I was more cognitively prepared to face Harrow the Ninth again. And shit, I was. But it's wrecked me again.

Harrow the Ninth is the kind of book that feels right on every level, the kind of book that is so carefully and conscientiously built that it reached the status of ultimate perfection. The status of being destined to exist, of wouldn't make sense if it was different. Harrow the Ninth provides with an understanding and a development of who Harrow is that blows my mind and will continue to blow my mind until I'm dead. BUT, and let me state this very slowly and clearly, it does the same thing for Gideon. Gideon the Ninth compared to this book is such an introduction. I never imagined I could like Harrow the Ninth better, I never imagined that there could be a book that made me love Gideon more than Gideon the Ninth. I was so utterly and profoundly wrong I'm embarrased. Because how could I miss that as much as I love Gideon, no one, not a soul, can love Gideon more than Harrow. And this fucking book is just that. Harrow loving and grieving for Gideon to levels that I can't explain, that literally make my neurons snap and go crazy with obsession, with nausea, with the suicidal need to be swallowed by this book like the stoma swallowed Augustine xd

I know I will burn everything and then myself if they don't have a happy ending and I will continue to be wrecked by this insanity with the upmost delight. GIVE THEM A HAPPY ENDING, TASMYN, I BEG YOU ON MY KNEES

BUT CAN SOMEONE PLEASE, PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHO THE HELL IS NONA THE NINTH (not if it's a spoiler, only if I'm dumb and I missed the explanation)

[autimind]

Myths about Autism #4 - Looking autistic

(with a side order of 'I don't hate people with autism.')

A dearly beloved aunt, who regrettably passed several years ago, flat-out refused to believe that I am autistic. Even after a full explanation of my struggles and diagnostic trajectory through the local mental healthcare system. I did not come across as autistic. She wasn't the only one.

Well, I say fair enough.

[long read. I won't discuss the actual myth. We are clear on that it is bunk. However, what should we now do?]

Let's talk about what autism looks like. Allistic people seem to have these amazing insights into what's going on in other people's minds basically on full-auto or at least they claim as much but for all I can discern they seem to judge inner workings of the mind by what the visible body does. They need our outward appearance in order to function.

What is autism? We know, dear reader, that autism is high, wide and broad. That it is called a spectrum does not mean that it behaves like the number line, not even like the complex plane. It is an insanely varied, multivariate affair. "If you have met one autistic, you have met one autistic," as the platitude has it. Yet autism is real. Although it does not exist as a thing, it is a valid label for a more or less well-defined manner of neurodivergent development. All of the divergence inside the brain is invisible, though. Can we fault the allistic people all around us for only looking at the conduct and mannerisms they do notice?

Society moreover has been and is ill-served by tropes mainly in entertainment but also in serious media. For a long time, autism basically equated Rain Man, from the eponymous movie starring Dustin Hoffman. I still find it ironic that the person who inspired the movie, the late Kim Peek, did not have autism at all but rather FG Syndrome. More recent is the example of Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory, who according to many people has Asperger's. It is interesting that almost no one judges his friend Amy Farrah Fowler in the same way as she shares many of his characteristics.

Again I ask can we fault allistic people their bafflement when we come out, so to say, as autistic? By far most of us aren't Sheldon Coopers and certainly a vanishingly small minority of us are even like Rain Man.

I tend to empty a box of matches onto the desk when speaking as an expert by experience to professionals. I give them three seconds to tell me exactly how many matches are visible and of course they always fail. Given proper experience, an estimation might of course be given but I tell them the exact answer. After everyone has had the time to be amazed at my 'autistic feat', I explain that I personally counted the matches before putting them into the box that very morning.

This is my way of upending their own cultural ideas on autism. Returning to my point, I really don't think we can blame allistics all that much. Cultural inertia on top of normal human cognitive laziness makes it hard to take on new and contra-intuitive notions.

Quite frustratingly, rather a lot of allistic people, once you have told them, still exclude us while saying they don't dislike autistics/autism. A good example would be.. well, almost everyone I come across. Basically everyone commiserated with me when I became open about my diagnosis and vowed to help and understand. They can't but they aren't aware of that particular disability. It is not their fault.

The point here is that they do keep responding negatively to an impressive array of ingrained traits. Stimming in the form of feet tapping of knee bouncing (my own go-to stim), data dumping about my SPINs, correcting vague or incorrect language, taking vocal utterances literally and so on and so forth. Really now, I am not much bothered about specific word choice but it is not okay to just hold on to your preconceived notions when an actual human explains their own mental state or makes a half-way reasonable request.

Those preconceived cultural notions do exist and they do cause harm. All of this creates much frustration and anger among autistics. This is easily visible during even a cursory inspection of #actually autistic and like tags. There is so much pain! People are crying out in sheer endless reblogs, venting and sometimes even ranting about the unfair position we have in society, especially if we are also non-white, female or belong to yet one more disadvantaged or non-privileged group. The amount of anger, sometimes even rage, on this forum is simply staggering. I have run afoul of it myself, mostly for responding to some post without thinking and naively assuming I was really helping. I have hurt other people's feelings.

It would be fairly easy for me to now wax eloquent about how I was misunderstood, that from my own blog it was crystal clear that.. and a dozen other excuses. I simply say this: I am sorry. However, we still have to do something. I strongly feel that venting to eachother is all well and good but if that is all we do, things will not get better. In that case, venting becomes just a way of blowing off steam before going right back to that very same society that can be so hurtful and indifferent.

It would be a grand thing indeed if I had all the answers at this point and I don't. I do have one answer. What I propose will sound cruel to some. I will put yet another responsibility in the autistic camp. Yet more adapting to do when allistics just breeze through their lives. (They don't, but never mind that. I understand the feeling.) Still, on sober reflection we will have to admit that this responsibility is already solidly on our side for the very simple reason that no one will do it for us. We may just not have been aware of it.

I am talking about actively regulating our own emotions in general and making space for negative feelings in particular. If we manage to pull that off, we can just be with frustration or sadness for a while and allow it to process itself. I know first-hand how impossibly vague and wishy-washy new agey that sounds. I also know first-hand the awesome power of such a skill if you can see it from the inside.

At least we will have control. To some extent. We will be responding from strength, not from weakness. We will be secure in ourselves, not beaten this way and that by the breaking waves of the ocean of demands and impulses of this life. We will know deep in our being that we are always welcome in the present moment. We will understand viscerally that emotions are not self, thoughts are not self. They may influence us but they are not us.

Will that make us feel better? Maybe. After a while. Unpleasant emotions and thoughts will not suddenly vanish. But it will help. For details, see my series on Reconnecting to our authentic selves.

[maihan-dms4-journal]

Week 3

1. Reflection:

After researching the mechanism of Uncanny (the process of research will continue as the project progress), this week was about iterations, creating first drafts to see if the outcome has shown any of the chosen state characteristics. The feedback session in the Capitol Theatre has really helped me to reflect on the approach toward my Capitol project:

After watching my peer's drafts, I figure that to achieve or for the audience to experience a certain state, one of the aspects we have to consider is what energy that state provokes. Is the state give off negative (e.g. anxious, sorrowful) or positive energy (e.g. joyous, energetic)? I think this depends on the arousal level that I have mentioned in my previous blog.

I was very intrigued by the asymmetrical use of the wall lighting (the state was surrealism). It was effectively splitting my focus, making my brain confused as to where to pay attention to. Therefore, I think asymmetry could also work with uncanny as it could create a feeling of confusion, unsettling, and kind of mess with the audience's vision perception. And also the sudden change - the surprised elements could really enhance the state.

Another interesting idea from my peers was the simultaneous contrast between soft fade in/out light and hard, abrupt light. The contrast creates an unconscious comparison from the opposite point of reference, which I think increases the state level.

As for my lighting project, I need to consider how audio and visual articulate each other and use the subversion of the expectation to evoke the uncanny, like the example of making lighting design articulate only to Micheal Jackson's voice. Unsettling could come from messing with the audience's perception of things not in alignment or alignment in the unexpected.

2. Research:

i.) Academic:

On the Psychology of the Uncanny by Ernst Jentsch:

Further research about the psycho-physiological characteristics of the uncanny, the theory by Ernst Jentsch explored more about the human mind and behavior toward the uncanny.

Jentsch stated that the uncanny arises from blurring the line between the animated and in-animated, 'doubt as to whether an apparently living being is animate and, conversely, doubt as to whether a lifeless object may not in fact be animate - and more precisely, when this doubt only makes itself felt obscurely in one's consciousness' (Jentsch 1906).

The doubts about the animated and the in-animated come from the uncertainty of automation. The automation achieves the uncanny most clearly when the imitations of the organic being 'appear to be united with certain bodily or mental functions' (Jentsch 1906). He defined this as the semi-conscious secondary doubts when the being has subversed their initial perception. It crossed the boundary between the pathological and the normal, and similar to Freudian theory, throwing our consciousness into question.

In my opinion, Ernst Jentsch's theory supports Sigmund Freud's notion about the uncanny. The automation has the image of the familiar being, however, there was something about it that is not quite right- they are not the 'real' version of what is in our head. Within the context of the repressed memory (Freud's theory), the unfamiliar form returned with semi-conscious secondary doubts as to whether or not they are alive.

ii.) Creative practice:

Robert Cahen's works

Plus loin que la nuit (2005) His works have inspired me to visualize the unsettling not in the context of horror, but in the context of the slightly odd repressed memory. His work 'Plus loin que la nuit' had familiar footage of Vietnamese life in the 2000s, however, the footage was slowed down and slightly mismatched with the soundtrack which make the video seems like they are from a dream.

Hong Kong song The soundtrack from this piece has lots of Hong Kong authentic elements, such as the singing, vehicles, etc., creating the feeling of nostalgia, yet the vagueness of them produces the feeling of uncertainty in a dream-like state.

iii.) Technical:

The Sentient Stage: The Theatrical Uncanny in Contemporary Performance by Sarah Ina Meyers

I realized that it going to be quite challenging for me to evoke the uncanny just by using lighting and sound. Therefore, I tried to research previous theatre works, especially in Contemporary performance. This dissertation by Sarah Ina Meyers helped guide the approach for my project.

From the first couple of chapters, she mentioned that key elements to evoke the uncanny in performance:

The use of objects 'the familiar made strange', based on the theory of Sigmund Freud.

The uncertainties about the boundary between the reality and imaginary, based on the theory of Ernst Jentsch: using dream-like or surrealistic imagery (I think this point is shown in the works of Robert Cahen who I have mentioned above)

I think this could be the guidelines for my Capitol or other theatre projects as I proceed on reading this.

3. Project progress:

From the ideation of the previous week, this week I started to draft out the concept for my projects. As of now, the concept and ideation for each project still revolve around the eerie feeling of recognition from our repressed memory and exploring the state of questioning our consciousness by creating the unfamiliar familiarity, a different version of the accepted ideas in our head:

Project 1: uncanny - Lighting design in the Capitol theatre

This week, I have started to make some lighting iterations in Pharos, however, some of my intended lighting colors did not really up to my expectation (the color came out too bright or dark in the theatre compared to the Pharos screen). Also, the lighting has not really effectively evoked a sense of uncanny as there was no sound to articulate it, which is a really important challenge for me right now. As I did not have a sound background, I need to collaborate with my peers, however, I create a 'sonic mood board' as to what I wanted to include in the soundtrack.

The audio I did above is just a sound Vietnamese traditional instrument being slightly stretched out and pitched down. As I want to create the unfamiliar in the familiarity, the soundtrack could be familiar elements however there is an odd part in it that make people question their knowledge of the being.

Project 2: glimpse - Short film/ Video projection

glimpse is an installation project using video projection to show a glimpse of life in a dream-like state. The project shows the 'familiarity' in life, yet just a glimpse, a different perspective of the familiar things from our memory. The repressed memory is brought back by the split, distorted glimpse, evoking the question 'Must we know what we see?'. Through the act of veiling and unveiling, it subverts the vision perception of the audience and blurs the line between reality and the imaginary, which is one of the mechanics to produce the uncanny.

My ideation for this project is to project video on surfaces (on flat walls or cloth), and there would be three main projections (in front and on both sides) that show two different things: the side views show the footage of the POV when you look out of the window of a moving vehicle, seeing the passing world; the front view shows the footages of a close-up shot of the human eyes when the eyes blink, split footages of the 'familiar' life appears. Each footage will be slightly distorted in terms of timing, movements, and perspectives.

Project 3: Upside Down People - Lighting design

I have read the brief of this project and I found it very meaningful, therefore, I want to be a part of this.

However, as of now, I just trying to visualize how each scene in the script will play out, I haven't had any clear ideation regarding this project. Hopefully, after meeting with the production team and the artist, I would have a clearer ideation and can start to build the iterations for it.

[welcometomy20s]

June 9, 2023

Sorry for the vagueness of my words. I guess I caught the old Japanese tick where they would say with a vague euphemism instead of directly to evade personal responsibility for things, or apparently to not hurt others, but really I think it’s that first one. Oliver really hates this and I hate it sometimes as well, but then I find myself doing the same thing, so I get embarrassed and self-loathe which makes me more fidgety and evasive and more terrible at communicating.

Some people want information to be more terse, including myself sometimes, but sometimes you need to write ten words instead of two, because of the sentiments which denote conflicted feelings and perspective inside one’s brain that you are constantly fighting all the time. My brain doesn’t usually process information in statements but in rolling waves and it filters through thousands of self-doubts and anger and loathing which makes the information I am trying to relay which is obscure and unrelatable which is the problem but is basically impossible to solve.

I think back to the last chapter of Ulysseys, which is seen as one of the most impressive chapters in English writing because not many have the guts like James Joyce to accurately spill out someone's guts like that. Only a person with such a stomach could write in a physical letter that someone could save and can be read by your far descendants such lurid fantasies as ones that James Joyce wrote about. I’m not even sure if I want to be that kind of person, but the stream of consciousness writing has been utilized to great effect since the days of Ulysseys and I think there is something deserved of the format in this pithy response I write here.

Back in the old days, people used to write letters and they felt compelled to write as florid language as possible in order to impress and amuse the sender, whether it would be their friend or an enemy. Now, all text is sent through 140 characters or less, because we have no time for that when we have to process so much information. It’s not that email is a worse form of communication than your typical letter, but textual communication became our only option as physical infrastructure was made dilapidated as we chase for a more abstract notion of life. There is a tendency, especially in the West, to chase after some grand technology that would absolve us of living in reality, rather than pitifully dealing with the fact that we live in a reality with other people with different perspectives and lives that we need to physically work out the differences… again, it’s much better to stack euphemism on top of one another to avoid personal responsibility than dealing with the problem, even if the tower of Babel you created ultimately is a harder work because like the Prisoner’s dilemma, the situation you have yourself urges to take the path of ruin rather than considering the overall process as a whole.

Because going up the mountain is a risk and is vulnerable to bad faith adversaries who do not share your big picture and only want to ruin you and the rest of the world. You cannot live with termites and expect to keep your wooden house intact. We must believe in the sanctity of the living but most lives are one-track mind of mindless consumption where destruction is not only inevitable but almost necessary, because their livelihood is dependent on them.

Building systems with people’s livelihoods are not tied with barbarism would be a nice goal, if everyone wants to be so, but not everyone does, so the evil makes their mazes before any of the angels have their say, and we have to constantly please the worst people in our group because they are the ones brazen enough to actually do things instead of any of the rest.

I feel sorry that you have to read this, I’m sure you have more important things in store, which is precisely why you commented that I was being vague because you have better things that trying to interpret something that is ultimately not worth your time, but is, because you know that if you spend your life only thinking about what is important, your mind will go kaput, and also of course what is important becomes kind of meaningless, I mean why feed yourself to only feed yourself. Living to live is one of the worst fates you could get, at least in my opinion. I know some people are perfectly content with living as is, which is quite commendable in this day and age, which probably will make me angry sometimes, but I don’t need that energy right now.

But you do need that energy sometimes, which is why I’m sending this long message to you, although the inciting incident was pretty much frivolous because sometimes I want to return to the age where people used to write like this. Where frivolities had a chance to breathe and people had a chance to ponder about the world that we live in. Modern life’s breakneck pace encourages us to not think and not realize we are committing various wrongs, and of course when you realize the horror of modern life, the execution squad is right there with a gun with your head for being a nuisance to society. 

I hope this was entertaining to you. In the olden days, where you had to sit in silence with only your writing implement and your brain to keep sanity, you can’t help to feel sentimentality to someone you are writing to, even if that person is your worst enemy. That’s why the world before us felt so civil, even though it probably wasn’t. Perhaps trolls act like they do because they want to marinate themselves in that false sincerity because it is a pleasant feeling. It feels pleasing to rib someone for being wrong on the Internet, because passion is so often dissipated to nothingness. Many professionals slave away for hours with not much to show, just enjoying the process of work they find passion in. Ultimately people at the top care nothing more than the fact that you don’t care about them as you work for them. All their effort is spent on pushing responsibility outwards instead of trying to drive reality into some place or another.

We know a better world is possible, but we will never get there, because people most desperate for power are people trying to get away from themselves and reality because they don’t understand the world and their place in them and their brain has simply gone rogue. In some sense, we all fall down to their level. We have to, in order to survive. Perhaps we get to keep our wits and outsmart the foxes that run the den, but likely we will become a fox ourselves.

What a petty corundum we are in.

[advancedpottery217x2]

風景はせはしく明滅し続ける世界の考察について

You can let other people get into the details of the art philosophy discussions and the Naoya/Kei relationship in Sakura no Toki because there will be none of that here. Instead I will talk about one aspect of the game that really elevated it for me and how it made me realize something I love about Tokyo 7th Sisters and other media.

I will tell you right now that I did not expect to enjoy Sakutoki as much as I did. While I did enjoy certain parts of Subarashiki Hibi and Sakura no Uta, there was a lot of stuff to get through before I could feel that way. In that regard Toki hit me like a truck with how much more consistently I found myself thinking it was good, although I will never forgive the scene in Chapter III where Nei declares Mizusu Kei’s murderer and the latter rushes outside where Naoya finds her... trying to pet a cat.

I largely attribute this to how the concept of 刻 is embodied in the game’s atmosphere. On the most basic level, this is natural due to the game continuing the 10 year time skip that happened in Sakuuta Chapter VI. But what really enchanted me was the atmosphere, the ロマン imbued in the very passing of time. This would not have been possible without the foundations of 因果的交流電燈 that were built back in Sakuuta. In that regard between Sakuuta and Sakutoki, I felt the latter to be more of a “main” game. The glimpses shown in Sakuuta VI were more than enough to attune my sensors to it in Sakutoki and eventually find a way to put a concept I had brewed in my head for a long time into words.

This revelation first came in the scene in IV with Kei and Kenichirou on the bike. This scene is also a homage and origin really of the same scene in III with Mizusu and Naoya. I did find that scene fascinating as well but it really hit the second time around due to it taking place after Kenichirou discussing the link between mind and body, as well as the interaction of memory and the self. This was probably also something in Subahibi but I forgot most of that. So with that on the brain, the two of them set off, playing loud rock music as they watch the passing scenery. The term 流れるもの達 comes up again. Both the passing scenery and the music disappear beyond the horizon, making way for new sights, newly visible instants in the field of vision. In that moment my brain formed the connection between having 地続きfor things both visible and not:

時間経過(=連続性があること) + ロマン = 刻

Like all of the concepts swirling around in my brain, it is extremely vague. It’s the notion of cause and effect both realized and subconscious in everyday life and the strength of affections. Having time pass and characters reminisce about the past is not enough by itself. It’s not just talking about ossan things and growing older. Ideas passed from one person or generation to the next is something I would consider to very closely grasp the concept of 刻, but even then there is a measurable gap.These can be the most recognizable forms, but this is a not all rectangles are squares situation. ロマン is a critical factor but it is also much harder to pinpoint. I intend on expanding on this on a future post.

In Sakuuta, two of the scenes that got me the closest to crying were the Kenichirou epitaphs scene and in VI when Makoto makes her first reappearance and headlocks Naoya and Sakurako goes on about the legendary Yumihari art club those two participated in even though Naoya avoided ever talking about it in detail up until that point. つまりそういうものだぞ。（説明になってない）

In the case of Sakutoki, I felt it the most with Mizusu never telling Naoya the identity of her 師匠 while going on about their influence on her while Naoya notices in a brief moment in V, Naoya and Makoto being very casual during the majority of her route while having the last scene maintain that and have a proposal, and of course the evolution of the relationship between Naoya and Ai. The Gauguin quote and its relation to 春の大曲線 is a runner up. It’s absolutely a je ne sais quoi that I arbitrarily decide, and that is exactly why I find it so attractive as a concept.

Now presenting some screenshots with commentary that may or may not be related:

藍、お前……お前……

The presence of legally distinct brand names does portray their increasing ubiquity but I do think your knock off Shimamura shouldn’t have しわ in the name because it is a clothing store.

While Misuzu is this hilariously precocious child with unlimited stat points in art, I like the moments where she shows a certain kindness towards the world and you can tell this stance is possible thanks to her meeting with Kei.

I think this scene is the scene that got me closest to crying in Sakutoki. In the Sakuuta V Ai end, she is doing her best to comfort Naoya as he gives in to his self-loathing in the wake of a traumatic event. In Sakutoki V though, the fact that Naoya has started to move on ever so slightly and the weight of 10 years since that time pushing Ai to practically beg for Naoya to live to watch her final moments is at the same time heartbreaking and filled with a kind of love that is hard to express in words.

You could just describe that love as the kind that entails wanting to growing old with someone but that is something I find myself outright denying when I look at what Naoya and Ai have gone through up to this point. It may be close to 運命共同体 but going into the details makes it more delicious.

Naoya having this quiet reflective moment with Kei’s “origin” near the very end is good.

Some other things I feel execute 刻 well are the 櫻子さんの足下には死体が埋まっている novels and Soukyuu no Fafner. For Sakurako, seeing both Shoutarou and Sakurako grow over the course of the series and dealing with things like the effects of grief and loss over time and ending in a fitting finale was quite the experience that I didn’t think I would get so into after having watched the anime (if you’re reading this kadokawa give us season 2). I was similarly impressed with the lengths Fafner takes with the ここにいる theme and the Exodus 2nd cour opening really makes everything come together; the first time I saw it seeing the Right of Left characters was what really got me. god exodus was pure kino just rewatching this OP for this post makes me emotional uoohhhh (still haven’t finished the beyond here haha...).

There are many other things that partially embody this concept that I like such as the Tears to Tiara series and what the Ace Attorney seven year gap could be if they did more things with it. Honorable mention goes to how finally playing Gyakuten Kenji 2 helped me fully accept Edgeworth becoming the chief prosecutor. Of course 刻 is not a requirement for me to like something but it can considerably raise the chances when it hits.

Now what does this topic have to do with Tokyo 7th Sisters? Before you go any further go read this article reviewing the main story, especially if you have no interest in the game/story otherwise. Even if you do read it anyway because it’s a good article that introduces some of the things I will be talking about. Then go and play the game and read the story for yourself instead of reading this blog post.

If it were not for Tokyo 7th Sisters (aka Nanasis) I may have note even written this, because in my mind it is the number one thing I associate with my previously unarticulated concept of 刻. This is not anything out of the open mind you, as the seeds of this idea first got planted when I was playing Sakuuta.

In Nanasis the words アイドルはアイドルじゃなくてもいい form the backbone of the entire series. It’s a phrase that I’ve thought about a number of times when reading the stories of that game and even now years after the final chapter I still struggle with finding a concrete interpretation of it. While it does deal with both the “outer” aspects of idols seen by others and society at large and the “inner” aspects of the characters’ ideals and visions of the self that clash with those external forces, at the end of the day they are words of affirmation and of the self. The “answers” presented at the end of Episode 6.0 fits in splendidly with the ‘i-DOL n-EW g-ENERATION‘ found in the game’s logo and the concept of ‘ing=進行形’ presented throughout the game.

With that in mind I came across these lines in Sakuuta VI. The first line clearly correlates with the phrasing of アイドルはアイドルじゃなくてもいい and the following ones are very reminiscent of the themes present in Nanasis. And just as in Sakuuta/Sakutoki, these themes are only strengthened by the depiction of 刻.The events of the game occur because the Seventh Sisters broke up two years before the start of the game, and it does not shy away from the overwhelmingly negative effects this brings to idols. I first found myself invested in game’s story with Episode 4U, which is about a band (explicitly not idols, although they do have cards in the game) led by a girl who despises idols after the the advent of the “idol ice age” forced her to realize their innate impermanence. The only other idol game I had played before this was Love Live School Idol Festival so it came as quite the surprise to me. Later on the shady parts of the entertainment industry and the question of if how someone can maintain themselves under the weight of it all come up and while it is easy to sum it up as some “dark idol story unlike the other ones,” I think it is more a matter of the presence of 刻 being a perfect match for the impermanence of idols.

Because idols are impermanent, it is important to keep in mind your own unique relationship to the concept. In Nanasis the role of idols as people who can 一瞬でも誰かの背中を押す is greatly emphasized and the songs are no exception.

The lyrics of 僕らは青空になる

一瞬でも　カケメケルイマは 確かに想いと手が重なりあった

and FUNBARE☆RUNNER

いつか誰かの光になるんだ 想いのたけ手渡すように 君とつなぐバトン 終わらない夏の始まりを見てる 見上げれば青と入道雲

地続きである想い、明滅するひかりが交流する瞬間がアイドル物で書かれたとk感じ取った途端、より一層ナナシスのことが好きになった。それこそ「たった一つの想いを閉じ込めた、永遠であり、瞬間」を彷彿とさせるくらいのものだ。傲慢な結びつきと言われたっていい。

I could probably also connect this with 弱き神 but I don’t think I understood it enough...

And like Sakuuta/Sakutoki, Nanasis is no stranger to large amounts to passing time. Episode 5.0, the one released after Episode 4.0 sends the timeline forward to 2043 when 4.0 took place in 2035.

The emotions felt from seeing this video out of nowhere were unparalleled. Besides the obvious point of seeing the idols that were children grown up it was then that I felt Motegi truly understood 刻のロマン and the resulting scenario did not disappoint in that front. I feel the fact that this released before 6.0 is a result of this understanding.6.0 advances the time from 4.0 to 2036, where even more harrowing developments than 4.0 await. But due to the existence of 5.0, you know that the image of “idols” 777☆SISTERS holds will continue to the new generation, which helped tremendously when reading 6.0. The credits of this final chapter feature the future plans of each of the 12 members of 777☆SISTERS to further show how they will continue to grow no matter what path in life they take.

I really do love Nanasis and I never knew it would become my favorite story in a mobile game when i first downloaded it nearly eight years ago. While the story team is now different than before, they’ve taken the timeline even further into 2053 (with a completely different player character) and I wonder what they are planning to do with that.

刻 is a crucial element in Sakutoki and Naoya’s final painting in V is the embodiment of this. While it is indistinct, the act of trying to define it for yourself is also important so if you managed to make it all the way down here I encourage you to think about it on your own.

そこにロマンがなければならない。

時間がなければならない。

音楽も、風景も、地平線の彼方へ消え去るように。

つまり刻とは、

足が立つ、この大地。