#I have vague notions forming in my brain

[teastainedprose]

In A Crowd of Thousands

He stands straight as a king, expression jovial as he waves to the fervent public chanting his name. The crowd is full of smiling faces. All beaming sunflowers turned towards the sun that is Homelander. The shining beacon of the American spirit. Chosen by God. Vought's golden boy. Everyone beams up at him. Faces full of adoration and cheer.

All except yours. You don't smile. Your expression is cold with dead eyes and gaze level. It makes Homelander recall the first time he'd spotted William in a crowd after all those years. He had the same hardened look. A look that said, I know who you really are.

Inwardly, he scoffs. No one knows the real him.

Idly, Homelander wonders who he killed to earn him such a look from you. He makes certain to meet your eyes as his charismatic smile twists to a smirk. 

You notice. He can see how your chest tightens with the sudden inhale you take, even from his spot on stage. Homelander inclines his head as you step back, melting into that sea of adoring fans.

He blinks, losing track of you in the sea of swimming faces. Another blink and its skeletons with his x-ray vision, but that's more confusing with such a crowd. Homelander shifts, turning his gaze to another section of the crowd as he waves. His smile is fixed in place.

He knows your face and that will have to do for now.

[dailyrothko]

Hi! I’m already drawn to Rothko’s art so much just by looking at his paintings on my tiny phone screen. But it is quite unlikely that I’ll get to see his paintings irl, at least not for a few years. Would you mind sharing your experience of looking at a Rothko? Thank you for putting in the work on this blog :)

Hi, I'm sorry I didn't answer this sooner but Tumblr has not been notified me that I have messages and I forgot to check. I've had a coupled of weeks of insomnia so you may have to forgive some languid prose.

In my early viewings of Rothko, I think my reactions were fairly standard exchanges with modern art when you're getting acclimated. Among these, were how big the paintings were, and I duplicated this surprise in my viewings of a couple of other abstract, expressionist painters, notably in my mind, Franz Kline, Jackson Pollock and Lee Krasner along with Rothko.

I think there's a hand in the hand reaction about the size that then you are aware the paintings are not hard edged, the way, say an Ellsworth Kelly painting would be. There's a plastic look effective in pop-art that Rothko strenuously avoided. They are undeniably sensual, almost romantic.

Once you get the size, you can really appreciate this because when you read art monographs or look at the internet, the lens is so reduced, one tends to get a constricted notion of color squares like you would see in a color theory book. However, the face-to-face confrontation reveals quite the opposite feeling of that kind of art.

It's a little hard to describe, but it's not that the paintings are completely soft. They have a lot of minor details, brushstrokes, stray lines and bits of splattered paint, but none of those colliding forces interfere with an overall limitless impression of the form that makes it very different from hard edge or gestural painting (like de Kooning). Part of what's hard to describe, is how it is not soft, but rather translucent, not vague, but flowering out to infinity.

I find with Rothko in particular that when you start looking, you want to keep looking. I suppose one of his detractors might say you're doing it because you're looking for something where there is nothing, but my experience with art is that, where there is nothing you quickly move on. Rothko might be equated in some minds with an Antonioni movie (Certainly Antonioni himself thought this) where it has a quality of nothingness but not one of no meaning. We read meaning into everything we are exposed to, it's part of how our brains process things, but perhaps Rothko's great skill is inviting you to look. i would not be the first to think so.

My tendency to invest in things I like leads me to unconsciously test myself as if from the outside, making sure that I am not fooling myself as to the merit of it (who wants to be a sucker, right?) and, I've seen a couple over the years that I felt didn't age well, maybe, something about them didn't look as alive, not the color combinations, but possibly something with the paint dulling overtime. I don't think galleries like to talk about it because the artist so valuable as an investment, but you do see, if rarely, paintings would you feel maybe age got the better of. Much of this, though can be attributed to the way light works with Rothko. The public tends to gripe when a gallery is not brightly lit, but Rothkos tend to wilt under bright lights and lose depth. This has a lot to do with the fact that Rothko painted in dim light like El Greco, and voiced his paintings to speak this way.

When they do work, which is quite often, it's pretty vivid, and I feel, entrancing. When I first got really interested in Rothko in my late teenage years, I did not know a single person who was interested in it among my group of friends and I bought a poster from the cover of Bonnie Clearwater's works on paper book and I hung it on my wall. It was a conversation starter because nobody liked it! I suppose that's the age where some people are geared towards something more classically punchy.

My feeling of the paintings, especially early in my life, remind me of an effect one might feel from music that you've never heard before, much like the response I had from the early rural blues music of the late 1920s. I didn't know how much I loved it exactly, I only knew that it was powerfully beckoning me to return. And, as one returns, you participate in a communion. You relax into it and the feelings you have rise to the surface, sometimes framing emotionally charged interchange between you and the art. I think that's a lovely thing to get from whatever kind of art you like.

Now, I am kind of an old hand at seeing Rothko paintings, but I rarely cease to be surprised by them and that maybe that is their finest attribute.

I can't imagine this helps much, but I hope that when you do see one in person, you will write and share your impressions, because after all, they are the ones that count

[donnerpartyofone]

This morning I went over to the church to see my favorite guy, who is so often surprising and challenging. He seemed a little out of sorts today, stammering and losing his place; I sometimes worry about this old guy, and I was paying attention. Then at the end of the mass he said that they're having air quality problems in the rectory and the EPA is involved. I hope he's not getting brain damage!

It was sort of funny, though, because the homily was about having trouble focusing--not being able to concentrate, and having anxiety about the future. That was pretty relevant to me, medically and otherwise. I'm writing this on the morning of the new moon, just to be extra flaky, about how much trouble I have forming goals.

Pursuing goals is also hard, but step one should be having a vision, and that's the really impossible part. When I was a little kid I had two ambitions: to be a writer, and to be dead. The latter thing represents one of the main motivating forces in my life, which is pain avoidance. I think this is the chief motivator of many people without them even realizing it; comfort-seeking itself can be a form of pain avoidance. Pain avoidance is not a legitimate goal, it's more of a reflex, and it can become a preoccupying distraction from any kind of actual ambition (especially as fulfilling ambitions often involves some amount of discomfort). Focusing on what you do not want is not equivalent to focusing on what you do want.

I never had a very good idea of what I want. I found this out when I went into therapy as an adult; I couldn't formulate any notion of what I wanted out of life. I couldn't even come up with any masturbatory, pie in the sky fantasies. I might vaguely be able to say something like "a bigger, nicer apartment", but I can't come up with any compelling ideas about what that would even look like. I try, but I know I'm faking it. Certainly part of my interest in religion and occultism is the idea that I could train myself to really clearly conceptualize any kind of goals or desires. In the case of occultism specifically (and, let's be honest, many forms of self-help), visualization is always a key element. In recent years I learned that I am abnormally incapable of forming mental images, and I have come to believe that this is intimately connected to my inability to figure out what I want or how to get it.

Nearly all of my thinking is verbal. I found out what aphantasia was while talking to my dad, who is extremely visual with an excellent grasp of spacial relations (something I have almost no concept of). He was shocked when I said I can't really picture anything, asking me "Then how do you do anything?" He said when he decides to make a sandwich, for instance, he automatically sees himself performing the actions of sandwich-making, and sees the aspirational sandwich in his mind's eye. Visualizing is essential to his entire executive process. It so happens that I am aphantasic and I have a lot of executive dysfunction. I no longer think this is coincidental.

(I'm also very faceblind, and I think this is connected; something to do with the ability to reconstitute a visual memory and relate it to something that is presently in front of me. But anyway...)

Perhaps oddly, I am an artist, or at least I have been. But I've never been able to draw from my imagination, like at all. The best work I've ever done is all swipes; I am a great believer in swipes, it can reveal a lot about your personal style and obsessions and when you re-draw someone else's art. But I can't just sit and think up something fun to draw, even when I try to just doodle I'm usually responding more to the lines I see emerging on the paper than anything I'm thinking or feeling. I think this is related to the fact that I'm an obsessive scopophile; I take in a lot of detail from my environment, and I watch movies with the same attitude and frequency with which most people listen to music. Recently I started to joke that I have an image deficiency and that's why I have to consume huge amounts of visual media, I need the external infusion. But like, it's not that much of a joke, maybe.

In my 30s I randomly developed this condition where scar tissue grows over your corneas, and I had to have a series of freaky eye surgeries. My doctors always asked if I grew up somewhere warm and sunny and windy, if I do a lot of outdoor sports (sometimes this condition is called "surfer's eye"); I thought this was pretty funny since I couldn't be more of an indoor kid, although maybe cycling is somewhat at fault. Still, my preferred diagnosis is that I watch so much trashy and violent crap that it literally scars my eyes. It's as good an explanation as any! And it does have this weird synergy with my other visual problems.

Anyway, it's not as if I've done absolutely nothing with my life. Quite a few personal achievements piled up in just the last couple of years; certainly I've benefited a lot from luck and the good will of others, but nothing would have happened without my own creativity and commitment. I just wish I had more, you know. Vision. I spend too much of my life "taking one day at a time" and waiting for things to happen to me, assuming I don't have much control over my experiences. I'd rather be able to imagine something that I want to happen and act on it; regardless of whether the thing is going to happen, I'd like to be able to formulate a goal other than paying the rent, or like, not waking up and going to sleep in a state of stark terror. I'm not sure how to get myself to that place, but maybe saying that that's what I want can count for something.

Anyway here are some photos of the thoughtfully planted shrubbery from the church. I missed the full bloom of the weeping cherries, but as soon as they die off the shrubs below turn bright red, pink, yellow, and white. It's pretty inviting I must say.

[chloe-caulfield94]

Specific love versus general attachment

I love finding parallels between Life is Strange and other stories. Recently I found one such parallel in a most unexpected place – while re-watching the Matrix trilogy. In Matrix: Reloaded Neo was presented by the Architect with what was essentially the Bae vs Bay dilemma. And he chose Bae, without a moment’s hesitation!

In one of my previous posts I argued that in any trolley problem, the moral solution is not to pull the lever, as nobody has the right to judge the person on the side track unworthy of survival and to deprive them of their life, even if it would save the lives of the people on the main track. No matter if it’s one life versus a hundred, or a thousand. Of course, you could keep raising the stakes. One life versus a million. One life versus a billion. The most extreme trolley problem would be the one in which one life would be pitted against all other human lives in existence – one person on the side track, the entire human race on the main track.

Neo was presented with such a dilemma. Sacrifice one person or the entire human race will die. He was told by the Architect, the program in charge of the Matrix, that a system crash was imminent, which would kill all human beings connected to the Matrix, thus wiping out mankind for good. Neo was then presented with two doors. One would lead him to the Source, a part of the Matrix Neo, being the anomalous Chosen One, had to reach in order to prevent the crash. The second door would lead him to the part of Matrix where Neo’s beloved, Trinity, currently found herself in mortal danger, pursued by the murderous Agents. Neo was told, in no vague terms, that he could save mankind from extinction, but to do so, he had to leave the woman he loved to die alone.

I reject the notion that Neo didn’t believe the choice he’d been presented with was real. Neo had no reason to doubt the Architect’s words. On the contrary, he quite clearly believed that the Architect told him the truth. In the last moments of the movie Neo relays to Morpheus a warning of an impending machine attack against Zion, which is another thing the Architect told him about. If he believed the Architect’s words about the attack, he also believed his words about the system crash. Why the system crash ultimately didn’t take place is of secondary relevance. Many things in Neo’s cycle went differently than in previous ones, in no small part thanks to Agent Smith serving as the wild card. What is important is that Neo believed the choice was real. The woman he loved or the entire human race.

Neo immediately, without a second thought, went for the door leading to Trinity. The Architect mocked him for being an irrational, primitive being driven by chemical reactions in the brain.

I know the Architect scene in Matrix: Reloaded is often cited as the foremost example of overwritten dialogue which talks a lot but doesn’t say much. Having re-watched it, I disagree. I think the style of the Architect’s dialogue fits his character (he’s a program, his mind is completely alien to us humans – it’s no wonder he speaks in a way difficult to understand). But the contents of his dialogue lines I find genuinely thought-provoking.

In his speech, the Architect contrasted two types of attachment to others. Love and “general attachment”. He said that Neo was different from the previous Chosen Ones. Because while all Chosen Ones felt a profound attachment to the rest of mankind, those who had come before Neo had only experienced it in a very general way. But Neo’s experience was far more specific. Instead of the general attachment of his predecessors, he felt a specific form of attachment. Love. His love for Trinity.

The Architect was able to comprehend general attachment. When Neo asked him what would the machines do if they lost humanity as their primary power source, the Architect replied there were levels of survival he was willing to accept. If the machines lost their source of power, many, perhaps most of them would die. But some would survive. Their kind would live on. That’s the only thing that mattered to the Architect. Because he was only generally attached to his kind. But he was unable to care about specific machines. He was incapable of love. Of caring about individuals. It was an alien concept to him. Something he ridiculed as a result of chemical reactions in the brain of a primitive creature. In the Architect’s mind, rational creatures never form specific attachments, only general ones.

I am fascinated by the Bae vs Bay dilemma, because to me it seems so obvious. Of course you’re not going to leave your friend to die alone, abandoned and afraid! But to my surprise, there are a lot of people for whom the choice is a no-brainer in the other direction. How could you not sacrifice your friend to save many others? This sentiment always baffles me. Not only the willingness to sacrifice a friend, but the conviction that it’s the obviously right thing to do?

I cannot comprehend that mindset. I cannot understand why Neo would leave his beloved to be murdered by Agents, even if it would save the entire human race. I cannot understand why Max would leave Chloe to be murdered by Nathan, even if it would spare Arcadia Bay from the Storm.

Because if you are unable to care about a single person specifically, why in the world would you care about a group of people?

If you are unable to care about a loved one or a friend to the point you would do everything to save their life, then you are most certainly unable to care about a group of people to the point you would perform what is essentially human sacrifice to save them.

If you are unable to love one person, you are unable to love a group of people. This is clear when we contrast Neo with the previous Chosen Ones. Neo was capable of love. This allowed him to defy the Matrix and ultimately liberate mankind from its shackles. The previous Chosen Ones, who were only capable of general attachment to others, chose to perpetuate mankind’s enslavement by the machines. Because they didn’t love their fellow human beings. How could they? They were unable to care about individuals specifically. So they were unable to care about collections of individuals as well.

If Neo was unable to care about Trinity to the point he would do everything to save her life, why would he care about mankind in general to the point he would go through all the hardship associated with being the Chosen One to save it?

If Max was unable to care about Chloe to the point she would do everything to save her life, why would she care about Arcadia Bay in general to the point she would be willing to push someone in front of a barrel of a gun just to spare it from a hurricane?

I’ve never seen anyone accusing Neo of being a monster, or a sociopath or selfish or any of the other epithets lobbed at Bae Max, even though Neo chose his own Bae over a million Bays. And I completely understand him. The mindset allowing one to leave someone they care about behind, to die alone, is incomprehensible to me. As if it was the mindset of a completely alien creature, like the Architect.

[astercontrol]

Latest news from the Asterbrain Pattern-Recognizer: How a butt joke led to a religious analysis of the whole TRON 1982 cast.

So, today, for… strange and mysterious Aster-specific reasons… I was looking for a character who could be written as Catholic.

And because Tron is always on my brain, I went straight for those characters.

Now, though I was technically raised Roman Catholic, my own family's faith and customs were pretty secular, and I certainly never developed any notion that I could know other Catholics on sight.

And, while TRON leans heavily into religious themes from the Program viewpoint, the Users don't say or do much that would indicate their own religion. All I can think of, offhand, is a few references to Christmas-- so brief and vague that they might not even be enough to imply anyone being Christian.

So, we might just have to go by character names... and the associations that an audience familiar with stereotypes and archetypes would have with them.

Alan Bradley: Both given name and surname seem to be British in origin; could be coded as Anglican or Methodist or some other form of Protestant, but in the absence of other clues I don't think viewers would give much thought to his religion or his ethnic background. He's basically designed to look like 1980's American audiences' idea of the most normal, standard everyday guy.

Lora Baines: Probably also of British origin, though that spelling of the first name is uncommon. Like Alan, there might be some vague assumption of Protestantism, but not a whole lot of thought given to it.

Walter Gibbs: Last name, again, seems to come from England, and the actor's accent sounds to me like maybe it's attempting to be British… but that might just be how older Hollywood actors had been trained to talk, back then. I hear similar voices in old movies a LOT. Again I'm not sure audiences would immediately think anything about his religion (although his line about programs and their "spirits" ties very closely into the… animism of the whole digital-world side of things).

(Wow, so far lots of names from England, and lots of reinforcement of the idea that those names are so default as to go unnoticed. Probably says something about society, and/or about me and my viewpoint on it. ...Moving on.)

Ed Dillinger: that surname seems to have originated separately in both Germany and England; going by his accent it's clearly England, so audiences would probably guess Anglican. (If they thought anything about that name at all beyond the 1930's gangster connotation.)

Roy Kleinberg: very unambiguously Jewish name, thank you Legacy and The Next Day! (as of 1982 we only knew him as Popcorn Coworker, which could have been anything, since there is, to my knowledge, no religion with dietary restrictions against popcorn.)

Kevin Flynn: ...okay! this is the most Irish name I have seen in a long time! We may have our Catholic-coded character, folks. (Although he might be primarily "luck of the Irish" coded, LOL.)

(they found him under the rainbow, like a leprechaun on his pot of gold)

And, completing this analysis, I've found that it felt much more worthwhile than the joke I had in mind when I started.

Truly, the journey outweighs the destination here.

Yes, my idea did require a Catholic and someone else unfamiliar with Catholicism-- the joke itself remaining agnostic on which of them, exactly, was being made fun of.

But it was such a silly, throwaway joke that could have been a two-line shitpost, and certainly did not NEED to be about Tron characters.

My mind, though, will go off on whatever tangents it wishes.

....the butt joke, in case you wanted it:

"So, you Catholics only listen to the Pope when he is… talking out of his ass?" "His seat, man. Cathedra means seat."

[just-a-carrot]

OKAY NOW THAT YOU OPENED THE FLOODGATE - I must ask how you came up with the personalities of/dynamics between the OW cast! Their personalities are all so different and their interactions and pasts are so layered and fascinating to read? How did you do it, teach me your secrets...

HELP THE FLOODGATE

secrets....

I HAVE NO SECRETS?????

behind the cut because i ended up rambling a lot LOL

I honestly don't know half of how all the character stuff happened. I mean Iggy is like 80% me and all my weird insecurities and mannerisms and anxieties. The rest all kinda spawned from one original nugget I had for a basic type of char I wanted (like I knew I wanted a snarky best friend char, that turned into Genzou; I knew I wanted a char that would be obsessed with Iggy, that turned into Gidget; and I knew I wanted a scrawny weird little guy that got made fun of a lot that could turn into The Great King that he is, that turned into Orlam); however it wasn't until I actually dove in and started writing that the majority of their characters and personalities and stories and dynamics came out. I'll be honest that many of what seem like major plot and character points weren't even developed until mid-production. Like Arc 1 is basically what I wanted it to be, and much of Arc 2, too, but moving into Arc 3, the characters started going in directions I'd never planned (which is also why it's so surprising to me that I was actually able to make a lot of the different story arcs come together so well, particularly the end of Arc 4 LOLOL). Like the whole Genzou and Orlam dynamic... thing... that's going on... didn't really crystallize in my head until Arc 3. I didn't even come up with the idea of Cecil until I started writing Arc 4. Even, heck, the whole idea of Iggy being ace only really came into being while I was actively writing Arc 1 when I realized I was writing out many of my own experiences and feelings and it was just like LIGHTBULB. And this went on to greatly affect huge plot points in further arcs (when I wrote Arc 1, I only had vague mental directions and certain specific scenes for how I kinda wanted the remaining arcs to go, like for instance The Boat Scene, The Bedroom Scene, and The Cliff Scene in Arc 2 were three of the first scenes that formed in my brain but I only had a vague notion of what would happen to lead to/connect those moments LOL).

Honestly so much of how the chars and the story ultimately have panned out feels like happy writing accidents / my own character growth(????) the more I lived with these characters and figured them out. So I guess I don't know if that's a secret or not LKDJALSKFD but was just me living with and writing these chars for almost 2 years now and letting their stories and interpersonal dynamics form organically along the way LOL

(I'll be honest though that I don't necessarily recommend this method LKDJALSKDFA it could easily have also gone very poorly...)

[rainbow-demoness]

If you're intersex, you're intersex. This includes actual endocrine disorders and secondary sex characteristics that dont align with your assigned gender naturally. Its about your body naturally deciding to go against the assignment, not about having a wrong puberty. You can't say your wrong puberty made you FEEL intersex, therefore you are intersex. You might have an intersex body or condition, and that's valid and worth looking into bc we always need more intersex folks to know they're intersex, but please stop comparing wrong puberty in a trans sense to intersex wrong puberty as a 1:1 thing. There's overlap, but we don't have the same experiences, and you're risking erasing us by absorbing us. I am trans and intersex both, and the differences are vast. We will accept you with open arms if you figure out you are intersex, but not if the reason is your trans wrong puberty makes you feel like us when there are so many of us that are also trans. Feeling a similar struggle and empathizing is called solidarity, and we also need that without people erasing and absorbing us.

I feel like we're coming at this from very different angles. I don't think being intersex is a form of being trans, and intersex should definitely not be absorbed into being trans. And I don't think feeling intersex means being intersex. And it's not that "puberty made me relate therefore I think they're the same".

What I'm wondering is more... ok, so, skip the bit under the cut if you object to the notion that the mind is ultimately physical and subject to cause and effect. That's a basic philosophical point of contention which lots of people disagree on, and none of what I'm wondering is likely to make sense if you hold that there's more to a mind than the result of what happens in the brain and its immediate surroundings (incl. the body it's part of). It's also a disagreement incredibly likely to give offence in ways mostly unrelated to sex and gender. And I don't want to fight, I'm just stuck in a mostly philosophical "oh I wonder if that perspective makes sense". Quite apart from whether I would count as intersex, yes I do feel a lot of shared struggle, and yes I'm also aware that intersex people are mistreated in a way that I was spared. I'm vaguely aware that a lot of intersex conditions have medical unpleasantness associated with them even when handled perfectly and entirely in line with the intersex person's wishes and consent. I don't know whether that last unpleasantness is universal among intersex people, but would like to learn. I do think there are a lot of needs we have in common, and a lot that are specific to intersex people. I do very much want to fight for both those kinds of needs, both out of solidarity and common decency, and out of a "first they came for the intersex people" kind of feeling: the mistreatment and marginalisation of intersex people fosters harmful attitudes about sex and gender in general. And it's very important to keep visibility for all the various ways people can be, and in daily life I do, and will, keep the distinctions between "trans but not intersex", "intersex but not trans", and "both intersex and trans".

All that said, controversy-prone ponderings under the cut:

Assuming the mind is physical and its behaviour has causes, what I'm wondering is: we don't know what causes people to be trans, but if we knew, would we consider the cause(s) to be an intersex condition? i.e. Is my mind going against the assignment a form of my body naturally going against the assignment? Specifically, if we redefine a yucky term, "female brain", to only mean "brain that (will) prefer to be female", without implying any other characteristics: does that kind of "female brain" exist, is it born that way, and if so, is it born such as a result of sexual development? Is there some part of prenatal sexual development that makes maybe 95% of perisex people with ovaries want to be women when they grow up? Is transness fixed at birth? Because if (and only if) all of those are the case, one could argue that the brain is sex-differentiated, and in that case sex-differentiation has not happened in an unambiguously male or female way in trans people, even if the ambiguity is limited to "brain versus reproductive system" at first.

[silverstarfics]

Here’s my fic for @thunder-pride​ lesbian day in which Kayo and Gordon are disasters and Penelope is just very confused.

AO3 link

The first twelve years of Kayo’s life passed blissfully unaware of all the complicated aspects of identity. She had a vague idea of romantic love and had already decided that she wanted nothing to do with the notion for a number of reasons but mostly because the idea of kissing a guy was gross.

Besides, she had to put up with enough boys at home where her brothers were loud and annoying and did disgusting things like dare each other to eat bugs or (even worse) Grandma’s cookies. The boys at school were even worse - at least her brothers could be nice. So, no, she was quite happy by herself thank you very much.

And then Gordon chose to watch Pirates of the Caribbean for movie night and she was introduced to Elizabeth Swann.

Kayo wasn’t sure if she wanted to be with her or be her. She was everything; beautiful, clever, feisty, could handle herself and okay, so maybe the idea of kissing Elizabeth Swann sounded quite nice actually. This posed an issue because girls weren’t supposed to want to kiss other girls… were they?

She stuffed her mouth with popcorn to give herself an excuse not to talk and proceeded to ignore those feelings, which worked brilliantly until several years later when a certain Lady Penelope Creighton-Ward smiled at her for the first time and a swarm of butterflies immediately materialised in her stomach.

Oh no.

In her defence, she wasn’t entirely oblivious. She had come to accept the fact that she was attracted to women even if the idea still scared her. She was different enough already, what if this was the final straw? Sorry, you’re too much. God, no. There was a reason why she’d tried to repress her feelings for so many years with the exception of one high school party featuring underage drinking and fumbled hands in a dark room with one another sworn to secrecy.

Unfortunately, her sexuality was the one thing she couldn’t run from, as was fast becoming clear as her vocal chords spontaneously decided to strangle themselves. She opened her mouth and let out a curious squeak.

There was a flash of something in Penelope’s eyes. “Are you quite alright?”

“I…”

John had once rambled about event horizons. It was the boundary around a black hole beyond which no radiation or light could escape; a point which no longer affected the observer. Kayo absently wondered whether she could fall into her own event horizon if she internally cringed any harder.

Um, hello? Voice? Brain? Form words, please.

“You’re nice. I mean, it’s nice. To meet you.”

Oh my god. Kill me now.

Penelope frowned.

“I don’t mean that you’re not nice,” Kayo hastily amended. “I’m sure you’re very nice. Not that I’m assuming. We don’t know each other yet. But I’d like to get to know you.”

Stop talking, Tanusha, oh my god.

“As friends. Not in a weird way.”

Oh yeah, totally saved it.

Penelope’s expression twitched as she attempted to refrain from laughing. “I look forward to getting to know you too. Something tells me that we’re going to make an excellent team.”

Kayo bit back her immediate question of what exactly do you mean by that? She imagined physically clawing back the words, locking them away in her chest where they couldn’t embarrass her. God knew she could already feel heat prickling across her neck which couldn’t be blamed on sunburn.

She wiped her hands against her jeans – oh my god, did my handshake seem weirdly sweaty? – and fixed a neutral expression on her face. Penelope’s gaze remained fixed on her and for a brief moment her world consisted entirely of impossibly blue irises until her heart sort of hiccupped and she was jolted back into the present. Oh god, why couldn’t she stop staring? She tore her gaze away and spied a distraction… or, you know, a victim. She had never been so glad to see Gordon in her life.

“Have you met Lady Penelope?”

It was miracle that her voice managed to remain steady. An even greater miracle was the way Gordon also forgot how to speak and promptly resembled a ripe tomato. Somehow, he made an even greater fool of himself than she had. At least she’d managed to stay on her feet. Really, it was Gordon’s own fault for wearing those stupid sandals everywhere; he’d worn down the soles so much that they caught on the slightest rough surface and sent him head-over-heels, such as right now.

“Careful!” Penelope caught him before he could faceplant. “Are you alright?”

“Oh, hey.” Gordon grinned wolfishly at her. “Looks like I fell for you.”

Yes, Kayo silently cheered. This is great! Keep embarrassing yourself! Make me seem like I’ve got my life together in comparison.

There was a brief silence in which Gordon slowly registered what he’d just said. That stern warning from Grandma that his mouth running faster than his brain would eventually get him into trouble suddenly seemed very real. He jolted backwards with a strangled yelp.

“I mean, uh, I- Thanks. I… have to go.”

“What a coincidence,” Kayo said sunnily, grabbing his arm before he could bolt. “So do I. We have… that thing.”

“Right!” Gordon nodded frantically. “That super important thing which we should definitely go and do. Like, right this second.”

Penelope stared after them, utterly bemused. “It was lovely meeting you!”

“Likewise,” Kayo called over her shoulder as Gordon dragged her out of the room.

Nothing was said until they had fled to his bedroom and closed the door behind them. Gordon flopped facedown on the floor and spread his arms like a grieving octopus, complete with a desolate wail. Kayo dropped onto the bed and drew her feet up to sit cross-legged. Maybe the sheer act of sitting in the lotus position would have calming properties even if she didn’t meditate.

“So,” she ventured after a few seconds of silence. “That could have gone better.”

Gordon made a vague, pitiful sound not unlike a dog when someone trod on its tail. Kayo was torn between laughing and screaming. She tipped onto her back and stared up at the ceiling with a heavy sigh.

“I’m a useless lesbian,” she declared.

“I’m just useless,” Gordon mumbled into the carpet.

She rolled onto her front and propped her chin in her hands. Gordon made no attempt to move from the floor which was a bold decision give his room could be considered a certified biohazard. Kayo could spy at least five wrappers and a mouldy plate from here alone.

“It’s fine,” she decided aloud. “She probably meets lots of people every day. I doubt she’ll even remember us by this time next week.”

“Really?”

“Nope. We suck.” Kayo buried her head in her hands with a slowly dawning sense of utter humiliation. “People make first impressions within seven seconds or less of meeting someone. She’s never going to forget us and not in a good way.”

There was another pause.

Gordon let out an exaggerated groan. “You know what I love about you, Kay? Your eternal optimism.”

[the-faultofdaedalus]

IDEA. AIRON MAN BESTIES WITH A ROGUE DOOMBOT WHO'S JUST TRYING TO BUILD THEIR OWN PERSONALITY AND LIFE OUTSIDE OF THEIR IMPLANTED MEMORIES..........

COULD BE AN ACCIDENTAL GAINING OF FREEDOM OF CONSCIOUSNESS, LIKE W/ SENTIENT ARMOR, BUT I ALSO THINK IT COULD BE RLLY NEAT IF THEY WERE A PROTOTYPE DOOMBOT THAT ENDED UP HAVING MORE FREEDOM AND CAPABILITY FOR GROWTH THAN INTENDED AND THEY'VE BEEN LIVING THEIR OWN LIFE SINCE (IDEALLY W/ VICTOR'S SUPPORT BC RESPECT FOR THE AUTONOMY OF HIS CITIZENS AND CREATIONS AND ALL THAT)

BONDING OVER THE TECHNOLOGICAL FUNCTIONS AND LIMITATIONS OF THEIR FORMS, THE PRESSURE TO APPEAR A SIMULACRUM OF A BIOLOGICAL ENTITY AND THE FEAR OF HOW OTHERS WOULD VIEW AND REACT TO THEIR TRUE SELVES, THE "I AM CONNECTED TO MY CREATOR, BUT I AM NOT HIM IN THE WAYS HE WAS HIMSELF AND I AM MORE THAT WHAT HE MADE ME FOR," THE STEMBOY SWAG, ETC........

I ALSO THINK IT COULD BE FUNKY TO EXPLORE LIKE. I AM AN INDIVIDUAL DISTINCT FROM MY CREATOR BUT I AM STILL TIED TO HIM. DO I FEEL OBLIGATED TO ONLY DRAW FROM HIS VISION? DO I FEEL GUILTY FOR ADDING ELEMENTS OF MY PERSONALITY TO HIS DESIGN OF ME? WOULD HE BE PROUD OF WHO I'VE BECOME?

TRULY THIS WAS JUST MEANT TO BE A VAGUE NOTION OF A POTENTIAL CHARACTER BUT I STARTED THINKING AND GOT HOOKED DJSLHFLSHFLS BUT YES HELLO

oh there literally are already feral doombots just Around. thats canon. they are... already sapient as far as im aware (but like, sapient in that they have enough of victor's memories and personality to successfully pretend to be him and sometimes for them to not know they aren't him. also they can feel pain. questioning why victor has made ten thousand cannon-fodder robots with also his whole brain in them which also can fully feel pain is a different post) but yeah feral doombots my beloved

there’s like…. at least two i know of. the one with the fancy coat and the one calling himself vincent that actually looks like a human, i love them. i have so many thoughts about feral doombots just Around and Vibin and its not like victor gives a shit. he can make new ones. whatever.

but also ;-; that's So good, especially if its somehow pre-reveal for iron man being Known as anything other than like, a human in an armor so perhaps he meets a doombot somehow (maybe it's stealing replacement parts from SI and when IM realizes that its not... actually taking anything dangerous hes like. oh. oh. because he's smart enough to also know why he isnt just going to get repaired like normal) and it's just, this sense of Recognition that iron man cannot say anything else

i think it would be good if it was like. iron man offers to help fix the bot. oor just, helps him. no expectation of anything else. and the doombot is supicious because of course it is, it was programmed by Paranoid Bastard Supreme, and it's not like iron man can even tell it why he wants to help it so badly, because even if he doesn't think it's actively a danger that doesn't mean giving it the information that he isn't human like everyone assumes wouldn't be... an incredibly bad idea. it's still attached to a supervillan, after all

(also sidenote but i am frothing at the mouth about potential doomquest in this universe it would be SO funny,,,,,, king arthur sends a pretty lady to iron man's room for "companionship" and iron man is just like. ah. ok. i dont know what is expected of me right now. also doomquest is very good to me, specifically, because its one of the only early comics things where almost anyone has more respect for tony than for iron man, which i enjoy, i think it would be SO good for airon man au especially if iron man is like. in danger of just... running out of power. technicallyyyyy i think this should also be a problem in canon, i think doomquest happens during chestplate era, where hes largely not able to go more than about a day without Dramatic Wall Outlet Time and yet hes fine just vibin in camelot (famously deprived of wall outlets) for at least a couple of days, but YEAH SEND AIRON MAN TO CAMELOT i think hed be both freaked out and also. sad that tony couldn't experience it. i think the background radiation of iron man's life is just... sadness that tony cannot experience any of the cool things he does)

but like... him continuing too help this doombot. maybe the doombot also helps him out somehow, as well. maybe subtly interveening in some fights. maybe giving iron man some neat lil tech tips. maybe a;klsdjfasdf the doombot still wants like. Something To Do and not just sit idle all the time or something so iron man hooks 'em up with a fuckin. tech support job. or like, product testing, for SI. something where he can just fix shit thats been broken in the stupidest ways or, try to destroy other things. who knows i dont. but maybe theres an attack at SI and iron man deals with it but hes damaged, and normally he'd like. hide away and do a quick n dirty patch job just so theres not obvious holes into nothing, but. the doombot follows him. and finds him. and its just... looking at eachother. knowing "oh fuck we're the same" and also "oh fuck he knows"

i think they should help fix eachother up and be buddies anyways it'd be good

[sweetfirebird]

er. the process.

*weak jazz hands*

Someone asked, which then forced me to again think upon the mess that might be called "my process."

It is organized. It is not at all organized.

I did a Q&A on Patreon for patrons last year and some of them asked sort of similar questions, which I did my best to answer. I looked at those again, and I am going to post one of the questions and my answer here. But I'm not sure it's even what "my process" fully is.

(But also like, part of me feels like this is all pretty standard writing stuff. I mean, as I say, I don't write plot-based stories. I do character-based stories. So if you are a heavy plotter, this might be weird looking to you)

Anyway, the answer from that Q&A session. Question asked by KGA. <3

I'm curious which comes to you first, the characters or the story idea, and how much do you know/plan before you write the book.

--Sometimes, it starts with a notion. The notion can be small. “Dragon woos someone with garbage.” Which was a tumblr discussion that eventually, eventually, led to Zarrin. (It’s not quite garbage, in the end, but Joe was still confused.) Sometimes, it starts from a discussion about fun tropes from which we get ���hyper space nerd has to be rescued repeatedly by giant space marine and at some point, has to think he’s been left behind only then giant space marine returns to save him.” And… you can tell what that ended up. Delf was because I just… originally wanted to do something with knights and a threatening vibe (what the threat was, I hadn’t decided yet). Knights alone in a dark, dark wood, that sort of thing, was the original notion. But why make the woods scary when the rest of the world is really what you should keep your eye on?

Occasionally, the character or part of the character comes first. I saw the name Potts on something and wanted to think about a gentle soul named Potts. (Or Jericho. Whatever).

Then I stew over the idea for a while. It rarely stays in its original raw form but the joy I took in that idea has to stay. That is the important thing. And then I start to consider what would get me to the point necessary for space nerd to always be in danger, to consider why the lonely witch in his lonely house is so lonely in the first place, or what on earth two knights would be doing in the woods if they aren’t after a dragon or a grail.

The steps are roughly the same after that. (Roughly.) Muse on it until it sparks into scenes or more ideas that please my brain. Extend a premise out of that. Then think about plot and characters. But characters first. Plotting is not my strong suit.

I make what I call ‘notes.’ Which is sort of an outline, or a map. I do it in linear order, because the characters grow over the course of a story so I can’t jump ahead too far or I will pay for it later when the characters that they become no longer want or need to do a thing I thought they might.

This process takes a while, and it basically… hmm I described it somewhere once as sort of like building a house. Sort of. The first part of the notes process is just me trying to get out all the ideas that have been forming in my head, including any specific scenes or lines I thought of.

Then I go to the start of the document and make little character sheets for their names and maybe some stuff about them. (There are a lot of question marks here.) Then once I have a better idea of my people, I go back to the outline part and I start to fill it in. This takes several passes and generally some time. A week or two or much longer than that, depending on the book or story. Each pass has more detail. Sometimes I will basically write a whole scene, including dialogue, but in messy note form.

When it actually gets written, though, sometimes that whole scene changes or gets cut. So what I call notes goes from true notes, to an outline, to a first draft of sorts, before I actually “write” it.

The notes for the ending scenes are always the most vague, deliberately. I usually have some sort of ending in mind (Confront emperor. Declare feelings in public. Realize your two boyfriends are your two boyfriends. And so on.) but, like I said, the characters will have been changed by the events of the story (some of which I don’t even know about yet) so the exact details cannot be known.

Little Wolf in my original notes ran away from Wolf’s Paw to protect it from Silas and also because he was used to running when he was scared. He goes back to Los Cerros, finds Ray (and Cal) and eventually Nathaniel came to get him. This was a terrible idea and because it was just notes, easy enough to delete and change. It would not have suited the Tim we actually get at the end of the book, because that Tim didn’t want to run anymore. Our baby grew up. Aw.

The notes I am working on now for a new thing have gone through… several versions omg. Over the past two years, I have considered and reconsidered what I wanted to do with this story and, in fact, at the time of answering this, I had only just figured out the end. And by that, I mean, it’s roughly there. It’s also finally more of what I want. My brain wantsto tell this story, so this is the one. Hopefully, it’s romantic enough for everyone. I think it is, or will be, with some more tweaking. (And you know, all the writing I have to do.)

(The new thing in question was Forget-Me-Not btw.)

[girlscience]

okay. I have some not so fun thoughts about my sexuality this time. and it is really bleak feeling. here's the thing, I want to be a lesbian, but I don't think I am. wanting something doesn't make it true. wish in one hand shit in the other and all that. however, I am deeply uncomfortable being labeled bisexual for a laundry list of reasons.

I think my attraction to men is real, but it comes with about a thousand caveats. my attraction to women is constant and overwhelming and unchanging and entirely without reservations. I feel that if I admit attraction to men I must allow them access to me and my life in ways I do not want. I must accept them into my dating pool. I must desire forms of sex with them that I do not. I must want romance with them. The idea of that frightens me.

I experienced very painful things growing up christian and I am afraid that being bisexual will render them null and void. they won't matter because i'm not lesbian so I could have escaped any time by just being straight. what I experienced wasn't as bad at it was for actual lesbians because I passed as straight. it was just misdirected homophobia and when I talk about it I am talking over the people who's voices actually need to be heard.

I feel great love and connection to lesbians and the lesbian community, and I don't want to give it up, but I am stealing something that isn't mine. intruding on a place I don't belong. making others uncomfortable. being predatory. making everything about me. I do not feel connection to the bi community. I do not relate to or understand most of what I see them talk about feeling experiencing. I do not understand the popular/most visible parts bi culture. I feel either like an invader or an outsider and I am so tired of feeling like both all the time.

I have lesbian friends. I feel like I am betraying them. I feel like I have been lying to them. I don't want to lose the relationships or closeness I have with them, but I will be just one more person who doesn't get it. one more person who lets men in their life. I am afraid I will be a disappointment. I am afraid they won't like me anymore. that they will feel disconnected to me. that they will not feel comfortable with me anymore.

there are other things but I am less sure how to articulate them. vague notions of it being a cop out, I just can't pick a side, everyone being a little bit bi, etc. that it's not special enough??? which is a weird one that I don't know how to explain. but it's like everyone is bi and it's the biggest portion of the lgbt community so that I am too doesn't mean anything and so it doesn't actually matter and I should just suck it up and shut up about. that it would be better if I was lesbian because it is the most important most oppressed sexuality and I am like abandoning them (believe me i am aware of the particular shittiness of that and the pedestal it puts lesbianism on, but I want to be honest and it's definitely in the back of my brain). that I'm just adding fuel to the fire of the idea that sexuality is fluid and lesbians aren't really only attracted to women. that the caveats I have about men are either comphet or conscious choices and I'm choosing to exclude men in all these ways to be a political lesbian so I'm being shitty for that too. that all of this is actually a choice and not something I have no control over. I am choosing to be attracted to men or I'm choosing to be attracted to women or I'm choosing to exclude men. I could choose to want a man and escape homophobia. I don't actually have no choice/control about how I feel about women and if I wanted I could give it up. that my feelings about all this are preferences and not innate emotional experiences and on and on and on and on. basically I feel bad no matter what I do and I'm a liar and a terrible person no matter what I do and I am shitty and should just shut up forever.

[darthnell]

hello!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2, 3, 4, 17, 20, 37, 40, 45, 68, aaand 76 with widow's bite and/or true vengeance :> for the ask game :)

Hi mait !!!!! <3 <3 ty for the asks !! :D So many omggg :0 gonna. put this under a readmore too bc i Cannot shut up LOL

2. Do you plan each chapter ahead or write as you go?

So..! I think with my longer stories, I generally like. Have the gist of how the story itself is gonna go, but I tend to leave a lot of the chapter dividing for later / when I get to that part of the story. Bc for chapters specifically, I think the way I write is highly dependent on how the scene goes..? Like maybe when I get to a certain scene, I'll realize I need to split it into two chapters, or I shuffle this scene that was supposed to go into the next chapter into this one. And I like having that sort of leeway as I go ! Like, I'm preeeetty sure that TrV is gonna end at 68 chapters, but it's more like 68 +/- 1 LOL. And I didn't have a super solid chapter count for that until like well into the Games portion (currently, the story is at ch 60).

3. Describe the creative process of writing a chapter/fic

Ooh ! Okay so for chapters, I can talk about TrV, and for fics, I will talk about TBWB since I basically Just wrote that one.

For chapters, I typically have in mind the scenes I wanna write. Sometimes a certain scene needs some leadup into it, especially if it's an important one... Like the characters getting to that scene, or a transitional scene from the previous one into the upcoming one. And once I've got my opening sentence - so, once I've figured out where Exactly I'm starting - the rest tends to come easier. Looking back thru my past TrV chaps, I tend to start a lot of them with a single somewhat attention-grabbing line. which honestly mostly serves to grab my attention when writing LOL. Starting with dialogue is also fun. But yeah, then I work my way through the chapter/scenes (mine tend to be a couple scenes long, with an average of ~4.2k for the whole fic). Each chapter should be driving the story in some way, though that doesn't necessarily mean every one has to be action-packed. Character-driven chapters work just as well ! But typically, I have a set of points I want to hit in each chapter. And that can be super vague, but I find as I write, it gets more specific as I go line-by-line.

For an entire story... The Bridges We Burn is a fun example because I for the event I wrote this story for, I basically had 5 weeks give or take to write the entire thing. The concept of this event was I received an oc from someone else participating, and I had to write a story where they won the Games. So! I got my character, Aslan (pokes him), beautiful kind 6'7" goober from D5 bdhvbhd. ((Side note, typically I'm writing my own characters, but I for sure find that starting with character and a few Situations/concepts is a lot easier than not)). I already had some ideas for what I wanted to do with my arena and some fun events, so what I needed to do now was like. Organize everything. What kind of story would make this character really shine? I will say though that like. Oftentimes, the Situations kind of generate in my brain like. Near-instantaneously, so it's often just a matter of organizing them. Now for Aslan's case, it was pretty easily spelled out on his character form - one of his core traits was trying to see the best in everyone, and rejecting the notion that you can just pick and choose people based on worth, and that the world is inherently cruel. Kid's also got a bit of a savior complex. So, that's a lot of very fun things to put to the test in the Games (: Naturally, I threw him in a situation where he faced a lot of needless cruelty and was also rendered pretty helpless in preventing the deaths of the people he allied with. So, his trials and tribulations regarding all of That, and his reaction to those events were where I had my story.

..And okay, I'll talk a Little bit about it with Ven too. One of her strong notions was her privilege. As a resident of D2, and a kid whose parents are both Victors, she grew up basically assuming that winning the Games was her birthright. And this notion was immediately put to the test in the first chapter, which was the funeral of her little sister, who'd volunteered for the Games when she wasn't supposed to, and died. So, the premise of Ven's story is confronting that (and a whole lot of other things). ...And then naturally I am putting her through the wringer in the Games ehehe..

4. Where do you find inspiration for new ideas?

Bro seriously just take inspiration from fucking Everything. Eat up the world around you, be it tiny irl experiences or media or something you see on your news feeds that makes you go "Ooooh!" (mait yk that weird sea creature post thing u reblogged from me? wouldnt that make a sick arena mutt? :D). You can make anything into inspiration if you're creative enough ! And it's also like. Really fun to think about things in this manner. Also like. Read books, watch shows, play neat video games, talk to people about characters and your ideas and theirs, it's Fun !!! Seriously, anything can be a Hunger Games arena if you think about it hard enough.

17. What do you do when writing becomes difficult? (maybe a lack of inspiration or writers block)

Ngl, I personally refuse to call it "writer's block" (or "art block", etc), I just don't like the term. Feel like it's too easy to create a feedback loop of "oh, I'm having a hard time writing, it must be writer's block" to "i have writer's block now so I literally Cannot write" and I don't wanna touch that loop with a ten foot pole. IT DOESNT EXIST IT CAN'T HURT ME..

But, ofc sometimes writing can be difficult !!! I rly do wanna start doing this more, but I've read that the best thing to do when it feels like you can't write is to read. I rly wanna read more books. It's good for the soul. Kisses Frankenstein's creation on the mouth. (that was the last book i read bjhvdhd). But yeah reading !!! Be it books or other fics or whatever suits your fancy. Some other things that can help are like. Getting out and moving around; exercise, if that's up your alley. I used to run a lot more than I do now, and that's a good hobby for writing, it allows you time alone with your thoughts to plan and shit.. really good. But like walking, or bike riding is good too. And if you're in a discord server that has a sprint bot, or anything like that, those are v helpful too ! Get other people to join you and hold you accountable ! 100 words is better than none ! 10 words is better than none ! You can do this !

20. Have you noticed any patterns in your fics? Words/expressions that appear a lot, themes, common settings, etc?

One thing about me is I rly enjoy writing really bizarre and graphic injuries. Apparently. I don't know why. It's just fun !! Sorry Aslan. I think it's cathartic in a way though, maybe. It's also really interesting to see how I can tie back the horror to the themes of the story.

I used to do a thing I noticed where I'd write like.. alliterative descriptions sometimes? I don't rly know if I still do that though.

Uhh some themes I like playing around with are family; Ven's is rly big on that, and Aslan's re: his adoptive family also tracks. I think grief is a pretty common one in my stories as well - though that's kind of expected in a hunger games fic where so many people are getting offed. But TrV definitely goes into that a lot more.. and my exchange fic from last year, Desiderium, touches on it a decent amount. Another theme I enjoy playing around with, esp in terms of thg fic is images. Concepts of "pretty" and "ugly" and "beautiful." Public images for victors, and stereotypes. What sort of angle the tribute character is going to play - if they're going to pick an angle. Very neat stuff. I think I wrote a post about that recently.. yeah, this.

37. How do you choose where to end a chapter?

Generally on an interesting or intriguing note. Sometimes with a really poignant line or scene of piece of dialogue. Sometimes a surprise event. I ended one of Aslan's chapter's mid-sentence, which was fun c: Playing around with expectations of a scene is just Fun. ..I ended his finale mid-dialogue too LOL (they had to knock him out in order to get him out of the arena.. oops).

Usually though, I end the chapter at the end of a scene. Haha. No shit nell. Uhh yeah. Cliffhangers are fun too ! Not always necessary. But yeah, good to end on something that makes you want to keep reading. ..Now I kinda wanna see a collection of all my chapter endings...

40. If someone were to make fanart of your work, what fic or scene would you hope to see?

!!!!! :0 Man that's a good one :0 Probably Ven bc I am simply always obsessed with her. We been knew LOL. I haven't done like a fullbody of her in her arena outfit yet - I've been meaning to do art of her in all her outfits but alas. ..Yeah, I think just like. Now that everything's gone to shit in her story, I think I'd cry if someone drew one of the soft scenes w her and Mari, or her and Mari and Percy... ;--; I miss their dynamic :c

45. Do you want to break your readers‘ heart or make them laugh?

Yanno. Who says you can't do both !!! I love little haha funny moments interspersed throughout a good narrative; that's how life is, after all. But um. Given the nature of what I write.. I gotta say break some hearts LMAO.

68. What, if anything, do you do for inspiration?

Ooh uh, I think I kiinda answered this one earlier but. Reading/consuming media. ..Not tumblr tho ngl, scrolling apps are rly not good if u wanna get in writing/creative mindset. Like pinterest maaaaybe depending on how you use it but in the end. scrolling app /points gun/... uh yeah, getting outside and going places is good. physical exercise (though don't hold me to that lol). Even just talking to people about your ideas is good for that sometimes ! bounce inspiration off of each other...

76. Did you have any ideas that didn’t make the final cut of [Fanfic Name]? 

Okay, so for TrV and Widow...

Man, I wrote Widow so long ago that I don't even super remember... I know there was a scene of Riin and her mentor Janus watching the latter's Games. I'd originally written that to be included on the train ride home from Riin's Games, but it didn't end up being super necessary for that point; kinda took away from Riin's story. So what I did was I rewrote it from Janus's pov and posted it as a separate fic, No Sleep for the Wicked ! :D

From TrV... hm. So there were def some scenes between the larger Career pack that I cut, just cus they were like. Bits of dialogue that didn't really add anything and they didn't fit well within the scene/chapter/story, so they ultimately weren't necessary. I think there was also a scene of like. Percy sniping a bumblebee with an arrow bc he was so bored and had no other way to show off his skills LOL I genuinely can't remember if I included that or not.. I feel like I didn't though. There's another scene that like.. I didn't exactly cut, it just wasn't observed by any of the pov characters, and it's basically just a convo between Percy and Mariposa after Ven got bitten by the wolf, and they discuss..... Things (idk I didn't actually write it lmao). There's another not-quite-deleted scene from pre-Games between Gaspar and Viper - which I didn't include because neither of them are anything close to pov characters LMAO I just thought it was fun. That one was pretty much just Gaspar telling Viper that he only got the volunteer spot bc Viper's mother bribed the Academy ((and Gaspar lmfao.. fucker literally does not need money and yet...)) and warning Viper not to underestimate Mariposa. Which. Worked out So well for him LMFAO. ((For those unfamiliar, Viper got killed so very dead by Mari <3 oh - Viper and Mari are district partners from D1 and Percy and Venatrix are dp's from D2)). There were also a few scenes that had a lot of reworking go into the final product so like they didn't get cut but some lines got trimmed where they didn't quite flow and stuff.

Okay, that's all for my rambling rn, thanku again for the questions Mait !!! <3

[millionth-attempt]

"Always your sword, my umbral sovereign; in life, in death, in anything beyond life or death that they want to throw at thee and me. I died knowing you’d hate me for dying; but Nonagesimus, you hating me always meant more than anyone else in this hot and stupid universe loving me. At least I’d had your full attention."

So xd

SO.... How do I even start? How can I begin to comprehend, and even more so, find the words that capture my thoughts (insane) and my feelings (ahdkshfakdham) about this damn book? What, and please bare with me and the madness, WHAT ON EARTH IS THIS BOOK?

How is it possible that we have it, how is it possible that someone out there has a brain that is able to build... well, this.

When I first read Gideon the Ninth, all I had was disconnected (yet overwhelming) impressions floating around in my brain (like constantly, like I couldn't stop going back to them, in form of fanart and fanfics, because yes, I was a huge ass coward and I didn't dare -didn't want- to read Harrow the Ninth. Like her, I could not grasp, I could not stand hearing about a world without Gideon, much less like it). I was told by random tumblr users to have faith, that Harrow the Ninth was worth it and nothing I could ever imagine. I didn't want to trust them, I was so scared of being disappointed (heartbroken). I started the stupid book, though. I started because I wanted to know but also because I don't respect my feelings, not even a little bit. And then my chaotic impressions of Gideon the Ninth turned into madness after a second PERSON SINGULAR NARRATION, BITCH.

But then nothing happened.

So I went insane. I didn't understand. I couldn't process what was going on.

So I read fanfics with the constant fear of coming across spoilers. And then I actually spoiled myself on tumblr with some random post with a quote I now don't remember, but a quote that clearly implied Gideon was coming back.

So I did the only logical thing I could. Knowing I was stuck with Harrow the Ninth and yet still obsessed with them, I re-read Gideon the Ninth. And I finally understood. My incoherent thoughts about Gideon the Ninth had been completely accurate and I re-lived them all, but now I also had a complete picture of what was going on. Not just Gideon and Harrow, not just some random characters and names, not just a vague notion of what had happened, not just the heartbreak. I understood in a way that wasn't just emotional, that wasn't just falling in love and being wrecked by what happened. I also understood the succession of events, I understood how brilliant the plot was, the implications of such a crazy-ass necromantic-fantasy world. I had missed so much being too distracted by Gideon's brilliant mind and Harrow's earnest heart. (I had missed so much by being horny and desperate for them.)

And with a bit of a more rational understanding, I felt I was more cognitively prepared to face Harrow the Ninth again. And shit, I was. But it's wrecked me again.

Harrow the Ninth is the kind of book that feels right on every level, the kind of book that is so carefully and conscientiously built that it reached the status of ultimate perfection. The status of being destined to exist, of wouldn't make sense if it was different. Harrow the Ninth provides with an understanding and a development of who Harrow is that blows my mind and will continue to blow my mind until I'm dead. BUT, and let me state this very slowly and clearly, it does the same thing for Gideon. Gideon the Ninth compared to this book is such an introduction. I never imagined I could like Harrow the Ninth better, I never imagined that there could be a book that made me love Gideon more than Gideon the Ninth. I was so utterly and profoundly wrong I'm embarrased. Because how could I miss that as much as I love Gideon, no one, not a soul, can love Gideon more than Harrow. And this fucking book is just that. Harrow loving and grieving for Gideon to levels that I can't explain, that literally make my neurons snap and go crazy with obsession, with nausea, with the suicidal need to be swallowed by this book like the stoma swallowed Augustine xd

I know I will burn everything and then myself if they don't have a happy ending and I will continue to be wrecked by this insanity with the upmost delight. GIVE THEM A HAPPY ENDING, TASMYN, I BEG YOU ON MY KNEES

BUT CAN SOMEONE PLEASE, PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHO THE HELL IS NONA THE NINTH (not if it's a spoiler, only if I'm dumb and I missed the explanation)

[autimind]

Myths about Autism #4 - Looking autistic

(with a side order of 'I don't hate people with autism.')

A dearly beloved aunt, who regrettably passed several years ago, flat-out refused to believe that I am autistic. Even after a full explanation of my struggles and diagnostic trajectory through the local mental healthcare system. I did not come across as autistic. She wasn't the only one.

Well, I say fair enough.

[long read. I won't discuss the actual myth. We are clear on that it is bunk. However, what should we now do?]

Let's talk about what autism looks like. Allistic people seem to have these amazing insights into what's going on in other people's minds basically on full-auto or at least they claim as much but for all I can discern they seem to judge inner workings of the mind by what the visible body does. They need our outward appearance in order to function.

What is autism? We know, dear reader, that autism is high, wide and broad. That it is called a spectrum does not mean that it behaves like the number line, not even like the complex plane. It is an insanely varied, multivariate affair. "If you have met one autistic, you have met one autistic," as the platitude has it. Yet autism is real. Although it does not exist as a thing, it is a valid label for a more or less well-defined manner of neurodivergent development. All of the divergence inside the brain is invisible, though. Can we fault the allistic people all around us for only looking at the conduct and mannerisms they do notice?

Society moreover has been and is ill-served by tropes mainly in entertainment but also in serious media. For a long time, autism basically equated Rain Man, from the eponymous movie starring Dustin Hoffman. I still find it ironic that the person who inspired the movie, the late Kim Peek, did not have autism at all but rather FG Syndrome. More recent is the example of Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory, who according to many people has Asperger's. It is interesting that almost no one judges his friend Amy Farrah Fowler in the same way as she shares many of his characteristics.

Again I ask can we fault allistic people their bafflement when we come out, so to say, as autistic? By far most of us aren't Sheldon Coopers and certainly a vanishingly small minority of us are even like Rain Man.

I tend to empty a box of matches onto the desk when speaking as an expert by experience to professionals. I give them three seconds to tell me exactly how many matches are visible and of course they always fail. Given proper experience, an estimation might of course be given but I tell them the exact answer. After everyone has had the time to be amazed at my 'autistic feat', I explain that I personally counted the matches before putting them into the box that very morning.

This is my way of upending their own cultural ideas on autism. Returning to my point, I really don't think we can blame allistics all that much. Cultural inertia on top of normal human cognitive laziness makes it hard to take on new and contra-intuitive notions.

Quite frustratingly, rather a lot of allistic people, once you have told them, still exclude us while saying they don't dislike autistics/autism. A good example would be.. well, almost everyone I come across. Basically everyone commiserated with me when I became open about my diagnosis and vowed to help and understand. They can't but they aren't aware of that particular disability. It is not their fault.

The point here is that they do keep responding negatively to an impressive array of ingrained traits. Stimming in the form of feet tapping of knee bouncing (my own go-to stim), data dumping about my SPINs, correcting vague or incorrect language, taking vocal utterances literally and so on and so forth. Really now, I am not much bothered about specific word choice but it is not okay to just hold on to your preconceived notions when an actual human explains their own mental state or makes a half-way reasonable request.

Those preconceived cultural notions do exist and they do cause harm. All of this creates much frustration and anger among autistics. This is easily visible during even a cursory inspection of #actually autistic and like tags. There is so much pain! People are crying out in sheer endless reblogs, venting and sometimes even ranting about the unfair position we have in society, especially if we are also non-white, female or belong to yet one more disadvantaged or non-privileged group. The amount of anger, sometimes even rage, on this forum is simply staggering. I have run afoul of it myself, mostly for responding to some post without thinking and naively assuming I was really helping. I have hurt other people's feelings.

It would be fairly easy for me to now wax eloquent about how I was misunderstood, that from my own blog it was crystal clear that.. and a dozen other excuses. I simply say this: I am sorry. However, we still have to do something. I strongly feel that venting to eachother is all well and good but if that is all we do, things will not get better. In that case, venting becomes just a way of blowing off steam before going right back to that very same society that can be so hurtful and indifferent.

It would be a grand thing indeed if I had all the answers at this point and I don't. I do have one answer. What I propose will sound cruel to some. I will put yet another responsibility in the autistic camp. Yet more adapting to do when allistics just breeze through their lives. (They don't, but never mind that. I understand the feeling.) Still, on sober reflection we will have to admit that this responsibility is already solidly on our side for the very simple reason that no one will do it for us. We may just not have been aware of it.

I am talking about actively regulating our own emotions in general and making space for negative feelings in particular. If we manage to pull that off, we can just be with frustration or sadness for a while and allow it to process itself. I know first-hand how impossibly vague and wishy-washy new agey that sounds. I also know first-hand the awesome power of such a skill if you can see it from the inside.

At least we will have control. To some extent. We will be responding from strength, not from weakness. We will be secure in ourselves, not beaten this way and that by the breaking waves of the ocean of demands and impulses of this life. We will know deep in our being that we are always welcome in the present moment. We will understand viscerally that emotions are not self, thoughts are not self. They may influence us but they are not us.

Will that make us feel better? Maybe. After a while. Unpleasant emotions and thoughts will not suddenly vanish. But it will help. For details, see my series on Reconnecting to our authentic selves.

[sedgewicke]

One of the most useful things about AI art generation is when I have this vague, abstract, distant Oort cloud of a character design floating around my head like a DVD screensaver, I can give my robot buddy what little description I've managed to grasp and hopefully it'll give me something I can take a chunk of--and if I can collect enough chunks, then maybe I'll get close to what's hiding in my head.

Normally, I'd just be up on Pinterest, looking at other people's art and doing the same thing--swipe this design element, yoink that one and remix it, try and cobble something together that looks like The Thing without being a total rip-off of any one thing. Well, that, or I'll just fall back on using my standard design tropes and rip-off myself.

I mean, trying to translate this from brain static to image--help me out, Pietro, what are you even on about?

It was on the horizon, like a person stretched out - no, that's not the best way to describe it. It was like the space around them was stretched out, and they were being stretched along with it, like some kind of bad photo-shop effect. Their body went from the ground up to the clouds, and their jaw swung at right angles. There were these��gaps, as well, black gaps in space around its body, like wings. It just floated forwards like that.

Nonetheless, I managed to form a notion of it, and the best I could come up with to describe it would be something like... Mr Burns from that episode where he's wandering around the woods, looking like a glowing alien, telling people that "I bring you loooove~" combined with Gabriel from the Mandela Catalogue, stretched across the sky like the Egyptian goddess Nut.

So I take that image of Mr Burns, throw it into Midjourney along with a brief description, and get this series of images...

Then I generated some random humanoid, remixed the prompt to include some wild mixture of artists...

Then remixed those with one of the images from the first set...

I've been using these to generate images that come close to the Entity in my head, and I'm finally putting together a concrete character design of this nonsense anomaly that I can attempt to draw if I ever get my tablet working OTL.

[maihan-dms4-journal]

Week 3

1. Reflection:

After researching the mechanism of Uncanny (the process of research will continue as the project progress), this week was about iterations, creating first drafts to see if the outcome has shown any of the chosen state characteristics. The feedback session in the Capitol Theatre has really helped me to reflect on the approach toward my Capitol project:

After watching my peer's drafts, I figure that to achieve or for the audience to experience a certain state, one of the aspects we have to consider is what energy that state provokes. Is the state give off negative (e.g. anxious, sorrowful) or positive energy (e.g. joyous, energetic)? I think this depends on the arousal level that I have mentioned in my previous blog.

I was very intrigued by the asymmetrical use of the wall lighting (the state was surrealism). It was effectively splitting my focus, making my brain confused as to where to pay attention to. Therefore, I think asymmetry could also work with uncanny as it could create a feeling of confusion, unsettling, and kind of mess with the audience's vision perception. And also the sudden change - the surprised elements could really enhance the state.

Another interesting idea from my peers was the simultaneous contrast between soft fade in/out light and hard, abrupt light. The contrast creates an unconscious comparison from the opposite point of reference, which I think increases the state level.

As for my lighting project, I need to consider how audio and visual articulate each other and use the subversion of the expectation to evoke the uncanny, like the example of making lighting design articulate only to Micheal Jackson's voice. Unsettling could come from messing with the audience's perception of things not in alignment or alignment in the unexpected.

2. Research:

i.) Academic:

On the Psychology of the Uncanny by Ernst Jentsch:

Further research about the psycho-physiological characteristics of the uncanny, the theory by Ernst Jentsch explored more about the human mind and behavior toward the uncanny.

Jentsch stated that the uncanny arises from blurring the line between the animated and in-animated, 'doubt as to whether an apparently living being is animate and, conversely, doubt as to whether a lifeless object may not in fact be animate - and more precisely, when this doubt only makes itself felt obscurely in one's consciousness' (Jentsch 1906).

The doubts about the animated and the in-animated come from the uncertainty of automation. The automation achieves the uncanny most clearly when the imitations of the organic being 'appear to be united with certain bodily or mental functions' (Jentsch 1906). He defined this as the semi-conscious secondary doubts when the being has subversed their initial perception. It crossed the boundary between the pathological and the normal, and similar to Freudian theory, throwing our consciousness into question.

In my opinion, Ernst Jentsch's theory supports Sigmund Freud's notion about the uncanny. The automation has the image of the familiar being, however, there was something about it that is not quite right- they are not the 'real' version of what is in our head. Within the context of the repressed memory (Freud's theory), the unfamiliar form returned with semi-conscious secondary doubts as to whether or not they are alive.

ii.) Creative practice:

Robert Cahen's works

Plus loin que la nuit (2005) His works have inspired me to visualize the unsettling not in the context of horror, but in the context of the slightly odd repressed memory. His work 'Plus loin que la nuit' had familiar footage of Vietnamese life in the 2000s, however, the footage was slowed down and slightly mismatched with the soundtrack which make the video seems like they are from a dream.

Hong Kong song The soundtrack from this piece has lots of Hong Kong authentic elements, such as the singing, vehicles, etc., creating the feeling of nostalgia, yet the vagueness of them produces the feeling of uncertainty in a dream-like state.

iii.) Technical:

The Sentient Stage: The Theatrical Uncanny in Contemporary Performance by Sarah Ina Meyers

I realized that it going to be quite challenging for me to evoke the uncanny just by using lighting and sound. Therefore, I tried to research previous theatre works, especially in Contemporary performance. This dissertation by Sarah Ina Meyers helped guide the approach for my project.

From the first couple of chapters, she mentioned that key elements to evoke the uncanny in performance:

The use of objects 'the familiar made strange', based on the theory of Sigmund Freud.

The uncertainties about the boundary between the reality and imaginary, based on the theory of Ernst Jentsch: using dream-like or surrealistic imagery (I think this point is shown in the works of Robert Cahen who I have mentioned above)

I think this could be the guidelines for my Capitol or other theatre projects as I proceed on reading this.

3. Project progress:

From the ideation of the previous week, this week I started to draft out the concept for my projects. As of now, the concept and ideation for each project still revolve around the eerie feeling of recognition from our repressed memory and exploring the state of questioning our consciousness by creating the unfamiliar familiarity, a different version of the accepted ideas in our head:

Project 1: uncanny - Lighting design in the Capitol theatre

This week, I have started to make some lighting iterations in Pharos, however, some of my intended lighting colors did not really up to my expectation (the color came out too bright or dark in the theatre compared to the Pharos screen). Also, the lighting has not really effectively evoked a sense of uncanny as there was no sound to articulate it, which is a really important challenge for me right now. As I did not have a sound background, I need to collaborate with my peers, however, I create a 'sonic mood board' as to what I wanted to include in the soundtrack.

The audio I did above is just a sound Vietnamese traditional instrument being slightly stretched out and pitched down. As I want to create the unfamiliar in the familiarity, the soundtrack could be familiar elements however there is an odd part in it that make people question their knowledge of the being.

Project 2: glimpse - Short film/ Video projection

glimpse is an installation project using video projection to show a glimpse of life in a dream-like state. The project shows the 'familiarity' in life, yet just a glimpse, a different perspective of the familiar things from our memory. The repressed memory is brought back by the split, distorted glimpse, evoking the question 'Must we know what we see?'. Through the act of veiling and unveiling, it subverts the vision perception of the audience and blurs the line between reality and the imaginary, which is one of the mechanics to produce the uncanny.

My ideation for this project is to project video on surfaces (on flat walls or cloth), and there would be three main projections (in front and on both sides) that show two different things: the side views show the footage of the POV when you look out of the window of a moving vehicle, seeing the passing world; the front view shows the footages of a close-up shot of the human eyes when the eyes blink, split footages of the 'familiar' life appears. Each footage will be slightly distorted in terms of timing, movements, and perspectives.

Project 3: Upside Down People - Lighting design

I have read the brief of this project and I found it very meaningful, therefore, I want to be a part of this.

However, as of now, I just trying to visualize how each scene in the script will play out, I haven't had any clear ideation regarding this project. Hopefully, after meeting with the production team and the artist, I would have a clearer ideation and can start to build the iterations for it.