#I have just been neglecting myself
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#right in the middle of the concert I was “enjoying” I realized#when was the last time I was genuinely happy?#I've felt so numb the past couple of months#these last couple of weeks have been especially hard to the point I cried in front of my boss#I just feel so alone and tired and unworthy#like yay I get to go on vacation but I kept thinking about how miserable I am when im home having to work and student teach and do#school work#every time someone compliments me I brush them off#or I feel like an imposter who doesn't deserve all this praise or high regard#bc I am just me#like there's nothing special about me#but yet I am immensely pressured by responsibilities#I have just been neglecting myself#I apologize for existing#I apologize for being annoying when I'm literally just myself or I decide to complain about my circumstances just once#word dump#I just have so many complicated feelings#anyway imma take another nap or like lay here like I've been doing the last few weeks
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We all know Timmy is Wanda’s mama’s boy but we need to keep in mind he’s still Cosmo’s kid too and that Cosmo would love him just as vehemently as Wanda
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#fairly oddparents#not that anyone has portrayed him different#certainly not distance he loves Timmy he probably says it the most in the show and in fanon#but still- watching New Wish there felt like there was a disconnect with Cosmos character-like he wasn’t as well defined as he was in OG#that’s in part due to them toning him down from being an idiot plain and simple but I feel like it wasn’t fitted with something else it was#simply taken away#just to say he didn’t have as much of a presence to me in New Wish as Wanda did and I crave spinning Cosmo around in my brain#I want to see Poof being his Dad’s Boy yknow and I want to see cosmo doting and I want to see when he gets like. parental rage for the sake#of his kids#yknow? Yknow? part of him feeling detached in a new wish has translated into him not wanting to get as close to Hazel as he did Timmy-#to try and play it more like godparents are supposed to- just a presence for a couple months#but also because like. he got SO attached to Timmy and he’ll never regret it and he’d never do anything different#but idk. if it were me I wouldn’t have the capacity to go through losing my godkid again after becoming that attached#that’s not even mentioning that they don’t HAVE to be in hazel’s life the same way they were in Timmy’s because Timmy was going through#neglect and Hazel has loving family and friends all around her at all times- her blocks are mental#in that way cosmo and Wanda just have to do the Typical Godparent Job of aiding her- not becoming people she desperately needs in life#which also bleeds into why I think Peri was having such a. difficult time#godparents aren’t supposed to be attached the way his family was to Timmy and that how he learned it#but his first godkid is Not Easy and lends immediately to the issues Timmy was having where he HAS parents he HAS things (though . Timmy#was not rich and would sometimes not be fed… dev’s dad also forgets to feed him but dev is still able to eat you know)#and how he grew up with his parents as godparents and how he’s been taught are conflicting and it’s nature vs doing a good job quoteunquote#I didn’t mean to ramble so damn much in the tags I’m really sorry#told myself if I had more to say I’d write it down and post it later but I must be heard.
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i just want you guys to know i'm writing the silliest fic rn. just truly so ridiculous
#been slowly getting back into the writing groove#the semester ending made me realize how exhausted i was so i'm letting myself chill and get back into some reading i've been neglecting#of Real Life books not fic‚ altho i'm still browsing the tag every day hehe#just taking it easy and having fun#op
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i want it to rain soon so i can try out my umbrella
#recently got one because its been raining like crazy#but of course the moment i get one it stops raining#'why didnt you have one already' see my mom kept buying them for me and then storing them in her car?#and idk what she did with them after that#but i realized... gasp!!! im an adult with a job and money! i can just buy one#and its really nice being able to meet your own needs. i think i have a lot of learned helplessness to work through#because of the way i was raised#anyway its green.......#i say 'way i was raised' i dont wanna make it seem like i was neglected#a lot of it was like... i never communicated my needs and felt guilty for existing (gee i wonder why)#so if i needed something i just dealt with not having it#but not having to ask anyone has helped me take care of myself more. im not a burden to anyone but me and i dont mind
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But who are you two inside my heart?
We are the hope that people might understand each other.
And say the words "I love you"
#i have been neglecting them sorry#same face syndrome is killing me but i let it slide just this once#for whatever reason for the longest time i thought the quote was “we are hope” “and we are the words i love you”#glad i fact checked myself tho#UPDATE!!: that IS the quote!! just in the ADV dub and not the netflix trranslation lol#im still using the netlfix quote tho cause uuuh ion wanna change it#alkfskalfh#evangelion#neon genesis evangelion#kaworu nagisa#rei ayanami#evangelion fanart#end of evangelion
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unfortunately the world is too fucking messed up so I am currently unable to give a shit about how messed up everything is because it's all too big and if I get upset about any of it my entire ability to be a person will come crashing in
normal service will resume as soon as possible
#red said#this is not a choice I'm making. to be clear.#it's just that after everything that's happened in the last year or so i am currently incapable of having a feeling beyond 'oh.'#just a kind of blank stare of 'this is certainly information i am recieving'#so I'm giving myself permission. to be numb to the horrors of the world for a short while.#because being mad at myself for not caring enough doesn't seem to be doing much to help and it's sapping me more#so i figure. i just accept that right now i cannot summon any strong reactions to things however much they deserve them#and hopefully a short time of that will help me rekindle my will to fight cause right now frankly I'm getting nowhere#I've still been trying to show up and do what i can but it feels so overwhelmingly pointless i think I'm actively undercutting myself#like I'm actively extending the period in which I can't fully commit myself to any cause or action#i can't even get angry any more and this shit deserves so much anger#but I've been angry for so long i think I've lost track of how to hold it as a live thing#I'm angry about 15 years of social murder in my own country. I'm angry about the ongoing violence against Palestine. I'm angry about Congo.#I'm angry about the death penalty in the US and I'm angry about the ongoing quiet genocide of First Nations people in Canada#and I'm angry about climate change I'm angry that people are burning and freezing around the world. I'm angry and I'm fucking scared#but none of that's GOING anywhere and none of it seems to be worth shit and at some point it just gets ossified#it's not like. a driving force at the moment. it's not propelling me it's not doing anything it's just a constant scab yk#i need. to feel like my anger has any kind of worth or does any kind of good. and that's not there it's just so built up.#i need too flush it out and start with it fresh and keen#cause at this stage yeah I'm just too tired by it to feel it intensely. it's just background noise.#i see the thing about Trump bringing back the federal death penalty or i watch my government debate how best to attack migrants#and I'm just like. 'oh. that's bad. that is a bad thing that's happening.' and i feel nothing#because at this point I'm so used to be information causing anger and fear and hopelessness that it doesn't like. register as a feeling.#this isn't happening about everything. i can still feel things on an interpersonal level. but that like. systems anger.#it's not landing cause i am so struggling emotionally to feel like i can do a single thing with it#like not just stuff happening Over There but here too. people i live being attacked out neglected by structural forces.#I'm succumbing to the 'oh. that's bad.' bc honestly i just have run out of road in being angry#i don't think it's permanent i think I'm just exhausted
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i feel like i type so much more than is reasonable when i do talk to people but i also don't get to socialize a ton so i just have soooo many words in me and if i'm like, tired or short on time, it is so much harder to restrain to the already-pushing-it point i can sometimes manage ;-;
#txt#i am used to posting long things that are essentially a conversation with myself because i either don't#want to bother others with certain topics or i just am used to anything i have to say really being... worth saying...#so i will sometimes go back and add more tags because i'm still thinking about it after the fact and the gap in time where someone#would have said something to prompt further thought is just. me continuing it with myself. bc i'm still thinking about it.#and then that translates into how i talk to other people where i sometimes feel like i either have too much to say without only#keeping what's of utmost relevant importance#(which is also due to me knowing if i don't say it Right Now Immediately i will forget if it does become relevant again)#so i am expecting people to read too much#and/or i then am not... listening to people? or i come off like im not listening to people?#even though i rly do try to be attentive i just forget sometimes to leave space for other people to talk because i am#used to only talking to myself so much lmaoo so i think i come off like i only want to Talk At people due to how Much i share#and sometimes i probably am not as attentive in convos as i would like to be but i try to be! i just dont know if the balance is there#but i also don't rly know how to be more concise bc of that mix of not wanting to forget and also not wanting to be misunderstood#and being so excited to get contribute etc#anyway there are also a lot of social things i HAVE been neglecting by accident i am so sorry if youve sent me an ask etc#and you've gotten silence i am getting to things slowly ;-;#i just mean moreover in active conversations the way that i act is like. i always worry i am doing something wrong all the time forever#and maybe i would worry less if i could put more of my thought dump energy into observing others more attentively#to get a better read on things lol#me coming back to this post as an example bc i had another thought:#i also type rly fast and my brain goes rly fast so while i do clean up what i say typically#others might find it more convenient to be more concise due to typing slower#whereas i don't think before i type i just type as i think one to one#i lose thoughts otherwise but Thinking Before I Speak is a lost art to me rip#but then if i am talking to people irl or on voice i am so much more reserved. i ramble a lot!!#but it's easier for me to fall back
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i really want to write like i'm 13 again and not care if it's Good. unfortunately, that too is a skill you must hone
#and i have neglected it for over a decade#i just. i'm so tired.#i want to do fun stuff for myself. i want to write oakweave fic for the 5 people on the planet that read that ship#and not care if it's The Best I Could Possibly Write#but unfortunately I'm also a college student and at this point have been conditioned to try my Very Darned Best#where is my 6 is a studenten 10 mentality#everything I do has to be Good even the way i relax??? bullshit i have fallen victim to the grindset in some capacity#i will fight this with making those middle aged men fuck#in a way that is poorly worded and self indulgent#this is my pep talk
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twsb comeback happening at a bad time IM SORRY EVERYONE I SAID ID START ORV ASAP BUT... BUT... GYAAAAAAAA
#MY BRAIN IS BUZZING#I CANT HOLD 2 THINGS AT ONCE#im even completely neglecting cookie run i havent played the story in like 8 months#talk tag#sobbinga#AAUFH#i can multitask (adhd hello) BUT#u dont understand its bc i want to completely dedicate myself to orv#not just have it on the side like i have been doing all this time#and idc if i can do that rn bc im completely dedicated to twsb alcjsj#i feel like if i get into orv i might have to drop crk tho#get pushed out....
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whole house clean 👍 i feel like this
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#i have been neglecting everything so it’s my fault this was such a pain in the ass#i still don’t know what’s going on w my living situation btw.#got the notice that they’re kicking me out spoke to the landlord once who was like ‘we’ll see what we can work out’ and i havent heard back#so im keeping my mouth SHUT in hopes they keep forgetting abt it bc worst thing that can happen is it just prolongs me being kicked to the#curb#we are good tenants though we never cause any issues other than me not doing the work i was supposed to for. a litany of reasons#mainly losing everyone i love and simply not caring if i live or die LOL#i gotta shut up abt it now i feel like im gna jinx myself.
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the end of exams has been the biggest goal for me to get to for a couple of months but now it's here i'm realising everything is still awful even if i don't have to study for hours on end
#this is the inevitable post-exam exhaustion situation tbh#i told myself i'd sort it all out once they were over but i still can't respond to my parents. ventposting because my dad just tried to cal#btw#cant pick up#i'm so tired#just seeing his name on my phone screen makes me so scared and sad like i was all christmas but if i tell him that who knows what he'll do#probably shout at me#or tell me it's painful for him to hear and make me feel so guilty#or ignore me for a week then i'll worry he's dead#im so so scared that he thinks i don't want to talk to him or don't care and that's why i'm not responding#idk what he'll do if he gets too deep in that belief#and i want to respond and act all happy so he knows it's not true#but i can't#and my mum . :/#she's always been my mother who i love above anything else but now she's just a reminder of everything and i can't stand it#need to get away from them pls i wish i could tell them to leave me alone without the inevitable paranoia my dad will kill himself#and my mum will neglect herself#as she's admitted to doing because i didn't talk to her for 2 days#as i know my dad does too just because he doesn't care#and now i'm the worst person in the world because i can't reply and be all cheerful despite knowing these things#can't even chat to my housemates smh i fucked that up too#i'm too autistic to hold a conversation no matter how badly i want to#glad i'm not going out tonight wow#it would have gone SO badly#tw vent#i guess#got to stop this jfc
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HEY here is my Switch friend code for anyone who wants it! the only games i really play online are Splatoon and Mario Kart, but i’m trying to make an effort to be more accessible and open again so if anyone wants to add then feel free :)
#i had to change my name to Duck Twacy since i wanted that to be my name in Mario Kart but forgot you can’t have “’nicknames’ in it boo#but maybe Duck Twacy is more recognizable than Eliza. who knows. just feels funny without a Daffy icon! naked even!#and i really do aim to get back to all my asks and DMs THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE GUYS SERIOUSLY#i’ve been so buried by work (in a good way! because i love my work but i think i’ve neglected to take proper care of myself in favor of#constantly feeling i need to grind whether with work or reviews or anything) so i really am determined to detach a little and be more open#and indulgent and ALL THAT FUN STUFF#how does sharing my friend code tie into that? you tell me!#(ID ALSO OFFER TO PLAY ACNH ONLINE TOO but i have terminal restart my island itis so there’s really nothing to do… it’s been a chronic habi#since i first started playing the Animal Crossing series as a little kid whoops)#but it’s been one of my lifelong loves too
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wtf hey gang
you're never gonna guess who it is LMFAOAOAOAO
HELLO WORLD IM BACKKKKKKKKK sorry for not writing for a while............. i've been going thru some whack shit lately but i graduated a couple weeks ago so that's pretty awesome!! hopefully i'll actually be able to get back into the flow of writing cuz i have 60 somethin' asks that i've been neglecting since scott pilgrim takes off came out??
also please expect more ghost content because i saw rite here rite now last night (REALLY FUCKING GOOD BTW I CRODE) and i am very much back to my natural state of fixating on the ghouls
#twiix rambles#feels good to be back honestly#i forgot about this blog for the longest time#which i do feel kinda bad about#i just haven't had like#much of a drive to write at all for about a year#went through a lot of stuff this year#sorta been working on my mental health#trying to better myself as a person#things have been hard#and i do feel really guilty about not posting#so many neglected asks#i love rambling in the tags as if people are gonna read all of this mumbo jumbo#tldr im back and im gonna try writing again#expect slowish updates#thank you for everything though guys#there is nothing that makes me happier than seeing that people are still reading my writing years later#i've improved so much as time has passed and im very proud of myself#im very proud of how far i've come#i owe it all to you guys :3
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I haven’t been insane about Vi enough lately so time to pour out some random thoughts. free association thinking time:
been thinking about her “It's my savings. I wanna be rich, okay? So I can travel, eat well, buy cool stuff… So no one can say I can't do something!” And none of the following will really be insightful or revelatory because it’s just what she says here but. yeah! that’s vi! the main reason she’s so big on money is because she has to be to get what she wants out of life! it’s what lets her say no to people telling her what to do, and that’s important to her because she has no choice but to be independent and support herself. because no one else will. No one at the Hive had anything positive or supportive to say about her being an explorer until she went out and did it (to a ridiculously successful degree, too. I have to wonder if/how it might’ve differed if she was on a regular accomplishment level team. not the one leading them all to the mission to the Hive). she never had a choice not to be. I could also see that being a little part of why she starts out not really being a teamwork person. past experiences have taught her she can’t rely on anyone else for support. (does make me wonder about what if she’d met Chubee before leaving the Hive. obviously she still would’ve left, but how might even a bit of support have changed other things?)
I feel like we don’t talk about the fact that The Beemerang Is Also Knives enough
ok so at one point there was this post talking about people with money and how it affects their life like. if you can afford to get a nanny then you can only do the fun parts of childcare and when you stop feeling like taking care of the kid you can just hand them to someone else to take them away. and again likely not especially revelatory but I would guess that’s the kind of way queen bianca handled the bees as her daughters (she does care about them. absolutely. but not in the same hands-on attached way as we usually associate with parents) and thinking about how that kind of treatment would then apply to vi....hm
in universes where discussions of Gender and Pronouns etc happen I think she has moments where she gets frustrated with the everything of Being Referred To and Having Complicated Identity She Hasn’t Quite Figured Yet and is like. gender is cancelled how dare you refer to me. but especially anyone else calls me a girl ever i will be stabbing them
also I think a lot about what circumstances she finds out about gayness/Gender being things. and whether she’s thought about it in herself before and whether she’d been dismissed on it/told it wasn’t a thing etc. most circumstances she ends up angry about the finding out times because of (un)consicious internal conflict stuff
underground tavern stuff implies she was definitely doing quests and stuff for money with them precanon. would kill to know what specifically it was. but also the first talk with utter implies that she was doing stuff off that questboard as well which is even more intriguing. utter’s spy also implies you don’t have to be an explorer to do them but otherwise you would think you did I feel. so again very curious what was up there
#inspired by that girl blorbos post and also me trying to think about where in the game they drop facts and such about precanon stuff w her#the urge to try and fic about the stuff between her leaving the hive and showing up at the association....strong again#'the hive didn't do anything' my ass. vi might have also been a jerk but it's just that she was the more obvious#easily labeled incident version of it. she was active while her treatment was the subtle passive neglect type of bad treatment#complex situation and also. yeah#an aquila original#vi bug fables#bug fables#also featuring funky gender lesbian stuff because thats not even headcanon. to me#hopefully the reasoning out stuff doesn't just come out like a load of nonsense#vi's one of those characters where I definitely feel comfortable in writing her on a basic level but some parts I'm super insecure about#and the part with her is in really capturing the complexities of her backstory and family issues#and the thing is it's like. I have to remind myself that some parts of how canon did her on that are actually decent#and I should pay attention to those complexities. but then also canon definitely did some of their 'this hasn't really been earned'#resolution stuff on her. mostly thinking about the postcanon dialogue with Bianca. it's jsut too much of a jump for that for me#and it's not even that I necessarily think bianca's dialogue is out of character. it's that I'm contemplating whether it would've#made more sense for vi to get angry about it. like.#ok so. sometimes i think about what coming out to my family might be like. and I've come to the conclusion that if they were just accepting#despite the fact that it would be best case scenario I'd be angry about it. because they've said some shitty stuff in the past. in general#they've made me feel unsafe about myself. so no actually you don't get to just suddenly be chill about it now fuck you.#it doesn't change the past hurts#and I could see Vi being like that too. even if part of her is happy about getting what she wanted to start with she's pissed about#only getting it now. with a side helping of also wondering if the approval /now/ is only because she's been so successful about it#what if she hadn't been so specially favored by elizant? what if she hadn't been on the team that saved the world? why did she (maybe) have#to earn the approval she should've had from the start?#also not gonna get into this one right now but tweaking her story with jaune to acknowledge that theyre both at fault in different ways#(again). would be nice#but now I'm definitely veering into repeating myself type rambling territory so
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Got called sir by a stranger while delivering pizza. Realized I can't remember the last time a stranger gendered me correctly. It felt really nice. Felt even better that it was a guy too like yes pls see me as one of you.
#maybe thats why im so fucking depressed#i've always been to afraid to medically transition#i wish I wasn't a coward#sometimes i think im neglecting it on purpose to hurt myself?#or maybe im worried what my family will think even though they always gender me right and no dead naming#maybe its cause my dad akways talks about “ people want to transitoon 10 year olds thats so fucked up ” and om just like “ okay”#but deep down i remember how much it hurt forcing me to be a woman around 10 years old#and having to buy purses and menstrating and not knowing whats going on#and i thinnk “ is it really any crueler than being forced to go through puberty that feels so wrong and scarry.” idk man#im just my dads opinions i dont even have my own anymore#hhhhhhhhhh
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i've been writing a headcannon for dr ratio and it's been exactly a month since i started. it's not even long yet only 185 words. i need to practice writing more orz (stares at the 2 singular poems i wrote and 1 piece of prose which are the only things i finished for the entirety of last year.... . . ..)
#the singular prose piece i did was for a contest and it was poetic prose#idek when the last time i wrote regular prose was#there's so many hobbies i wanna spend more time on but. i only end up focusing on 1 at a time இ௰இ#stares at my sorely neglected piano...#sometimes i wonder what my life would be like if i had become a competitive pianist#genuinely i think i would've dominated if i had the drive and dedication#but also maybe i'm just lying to myself LOL#anyway guess what one of my hsr aus is about.#ratio as a professional pianist and composer :3#my ideas for that au has been in my drafts for so long too இ௰இ#when will it ever see the light of day <//3#if you read through all of this for whatever reason. ilove you and i think we should kiss.#anyway have a lovely lovely lovely new week!! (*^▽^*)#ramble#dr ratio hsr
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