#I have just been neglecting myself
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#right in the middle of the concert I was “enjoying” I realized#when was the last time I was genuinely happy?#I've felt so numb the past couple of months#these last couple of weeks have been especially hard to the point I cried in front of my boss#I just feel so alone and tired and unworthy#like yay I get to go on vacation but I kept thinking about how miserable I am when im home having to work and student teach and do#school work#every time someone compliments me I brush them off#or I feel like an imposter who doesn't deserve all this praise or high regard#bc I am just me#like there's nothing special about me#but yet I am immensely pressured by responsibilities#I have just been neglecting myself#I apologize for existing#I apologize for being annoying when I'm literally just myself or I decide to complain about my circumstances just once#word dump#I just have so many complicated feelings#anyway imma take another nap or like lay here like I've been doing the last few weeks
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We all know Timmy is Wanda’s mama’s boy but we need to keep in mind he’s still Cosmo’s kid too and that Cosmo would love him just as vehemently as Wanda
#fairly oddparents#not that anyone has portrayed him different#certainly not distance he loves Timmy he probably says it the most in the show and in fanon#but still- watching New Wish there felt like there was a disconnect with Cosmos character-like he wasn’t as well defined as he was in OG#that’s in part due to them toning him down from being an idiot plain and simple but I feel like it wasn’t fitted with something else it was#simply taken away#just to say he didn’t have as much of a presence to me in New Wish as Wanda did and I crave spinning Cosmo around in my brain#I want to see Poof being his Dad’s Boy yknow and I want to see cosmo doting and I want to see when he gets like. parental rage for the sake#of his kids#yknow? Yknow? part of him feeling detached in a new wish has translated into him not wanting to get as close to Hazel as he did Timmy-#to try and play it more like godparents are supposed to- just a presence for a couple months#but also because like. he got SO attached to Timmy and he’ll never regret it and he’d never do anything different#but idk. if it were me I wouldn’t have the capacity to go through losing my godkid again after becoming that attached#that’s not even mentioning that they don’t HAVE to be in hazel’s life the same way they were in Timmy’s because Timmy was going through#neglect and Hazel has loving family and friends all around her at all times- her blocks are mental#in that way cosmo and Wanda just have to do the Typical Godparent Job of aiding her- not becoming people she desperately needs in life#which also bleeds into why I think Peri was having such a. difficult time#godparents aren’t supposed to be attached the way his family was to Timmy and that how he learned it#but his first godkid is Not Easy and lends immediately to the issues Timmy was having where he HAS parents he HAS things (though . Timmy#was not rich and would sometimes not be fed… dev’s dad also forgets to feed him but dev is still able to eat you know)#and how he grew up with his parents as godparents and how he’s been taught are conflicting and it’s nature vs doing a good job quoteunquote#I didn’t mean to ramble so damn much in the tags I’m really sorry#told myself if I had more to say I’d write it down and post it later but I must be heard.
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i want it to rain soon so i can try out my umbrella
#recently got one because its been raining like crazy#but of course the moment i get one it stops raining#'why didnt you have one already' see my mom kept buying them for me and then storing them in her car?#and idk what she did with them after that#but i realized... gasp!!! im an adult with a job and money! i can just buy one#and its really nice being able to meet your own needs. i think i have a lot of learned helplessness to work through#because of the way i was raised#anyway its green.......#i say 'way i was raised' i dont wanna make it seem like i was neglected#a lot of it was like... i never communicated my needs and felt guilty for existing (gee i wonder why)#so if i needed something i just dealt with not having it#but not having to ask anyone has helped me take care of myself more. im not a burden to anyone but me and i dont mind
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But who are you two inside my heart?
We are the hope that people might understand each other.
And say the words "I love you"
#i have been neglecting them sorry#same face syndrome is killing me but i let it slide just this once#for whatever reason for the longest time i thought the quote was “we are hope” “and we are the words i love you”#glad i fact checked myself tho#UPDATE!!: that IS the quote!! just in the ADV dub and not the netflix trranslation lol#im still using the netlfix quote tho cause uuuh ion wanna change it#alkfskalfh#evangelion#neon genesis evangelion#kaworu nagisa#rei ayanami#evangelion fanart#end of evangelion
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twsb comeback happening at a bad time IM SORRY EVERYONE I SAID ID START ORV ASAP BUT... BUT... GYAAAAAAAA
#MY BRAIN IS BUZZING#I CANT HOLD 2 THINGS AT ONCE#im even completely neglecting cookie run i havent played the story in like 8 months#talk tag#sobbinga#AAUFH#i can multitask (adhd hello) BUT#u dont understand its bc i want to completely dedicate myself to orv#not just have it on the side like i have been doing all this time#and idc if i can do that rn bc im completely dedicated to twsb alcjsj#i feel like if i get into orv i might have to drop crk tho#get pushed out....
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whole house clean 👍 i feel like this
#i have been neglecting everything so it’s my fault this was such a pain in the ass#i still don’t know what’s going on w my living situation btw.#got the notice that they’re kicking me out spoke to the landlord once who was like ‘we’ll see what we can work out’ and i havent heard back#so im keeping my mouth SHUT in hopes they keep forgetting abt it bc worst thing that can happen is it just prolongs me being kicked to the#curb#we are good tenants though we never cause any issues other than me not doing the work i was supposed to for. a litany of reasons#mainly losing everyone i love and simply not caring if i live or die LOL#i gotta shut up abt it now i feel like im gna jinx myself.
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HEY here is my Switch friend code for anyone who wants it! the only games i really play online are Splatoon and Mario Kart, but i’m trying to make an effort to be more accessible and open again so if anyone wants to add then feel free :)
#i had to change my name to Duck Twacy since i wanted that to be my name in Mario Kart but forgot you can’t have “’nicknames’ in it boo#but maybe Duck Twacy is more recognizable than Eliza. who knows. just feels funny without a Daffy icon! naked even!#and i really do aim to get back to all my asks and DMs THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE GUYS SERIOUSLY#i’ve been so buried by work (in a good way! because i love my work but i think i’ve neglected to take proper care of myself in favor of#constantly feeling i need to grind whether with work or reviews or anything) so i really am determined to detach a little and be more open#and indulgent and ALL THAT FUN STUFF#how does sharing my friend code tie into that? you tell me!#(ID ALSO OFFER TO PLAY ACNH ONLINE TOO but i have terminal restart my island itis so there’s really nothing to do… it’s been a chronic habi#since i first started playing the Animal Crossing series as a little kid whoops)#but it’s been one of my lifelong loves too
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wtf hey gang
you're never gonna guess who it is LMFAOAOAOAO
HELLO WORLD IM BACKKKKKKKKK sorry for not writing for a while............. i've been going thru some whack shit lately but i graduated a couple weeks ago so that's pretty awesome!! hopefully i'll actually be able to get back into the flow of writing cuz i have 60 somethin' asks that i've been neglecting since scott pilgrim takes off came out??
also please expect more ghost content because i saw rite here rite now last night (REALLY FUCKING GOOD BTW I CRODE) and i am very much back to my natural state of fixating on the ghouls
#twiix rambles#feels good to be back honestly#i forgot about this blog for the longest time#which i do feel kinda bad about#i just haven't had like#much of a drive to write at all for about a year#went through a lot of stuff this year#sorta been working on my mental health#trying to better myself as a person#things have been hard#and i do feel really guilty about not posting#so many neglected asks#i love rambling in the tags as if people are gonna read all of this mumbo jumbo#tldr im back and im gonna try writing again#expect slowish updates#thank you for everything though guys#there is nothing that makes me happier than seeing that people are still reading my writing years later#i've improved so much as time has passed and im very proud of myself#im very proud of how far i've come#i owe it all to you guys :3
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I haven’t been insane about Vi enough lately so time to pour out some random thoughts. free association thinking time:
been thinking about her “It's my savings. I wanna be rich, okay? So I can travel, eat well, buy cool stuff… So no one can say I can't do something!” And none of the following will really be insightful or revelatory because it’s just what she says here but. yeah! that’s vi! the main reason she’s so big on money is because she has to be to get what she wants out of life! it’s what lets her say no to people telling her what to do, and that’s important to her because she has no choice but to be independent and support herself. because no one else will. No one at the Hive had anything positive or supportive to say about her being an explorer until she went out and did it (to a ridiculously successful degree, too. I have to wonder if/how it might’ve differed if she was on a regular accomplishment level team. not the one leading them all to the mission to the Hive). she never had a choice not to be. I could also see that being a little part of why she starts out not really being a teamwork person. past experiences have taught her she can’t rely on anyone else for support. (does make me wonder about what if she’d met Chubee before leaving the Hive. obviously she still would’ve left, but how might even a bit of support have changed other things?)
I feel like we don’t talk about the fact that The Beemerang Is Also Knives enough
ok so at one point there was this post talking about people with money and how it affects their life like. if you can afford to get a nanny then you can only do the fun parts of childcare and when you stop feeling like taking care of the kid you can just hand them to someone else to take them away. and again likely not especially revelatory but I would guess that’s the kind of way queen bianca handled the bees as her daughters (she does care about them. absolutely. but not in the same hands-on attached way as we usually associate with parents) and thinking about how that kind of treatment would then apply to vi....hm
in universes where discussions of Gender and Pronouns etc happen I think she has moments where she gets frustrated with the everything of Being Referred To and Having Complicated Identity She Hasn’t Quite Figured Yet and is like. gender is cancelled how dare you refer to me. but especially anyone else calls me a girl ever i will be stabbing them
also I think a lot about what circumstances she finds out about gayness/Gender being things. and whether she’s thought about it in herself before and whether she’d been dismissed on it/told it wasn’t a thing etc. most circumstances she ends up angry about the finding out times because of (un)consicious internal conflict stuff
underground tavern stuff implies she was definitely doing quests and stuff for money with them precanon. would kill to know what specifically it was. but also the first talk with utter implies that she was doing stuff off that questboard as well which is even more intriguing. utter’s spy also implies you don’t have to be an explorer to do them but otherwise you would think you did I feel. so again very curious what was up there
#inspired by that girl blorbos post and also me trying to think about where in the game they drop facts and such about precanon stuff w her#the urge to try and fic about the stuff between her leaving the hive and showing up at the association....strong again#'the hive didn't do anything' my ass. vi might have also been a jerk but it's just that she was the more obvious#easily labeled incident version of it. she was active while her treatment was the subtle passive neglect type of bad treatment#complex situation and also. yeah#an aquila original#vi bug fables#bug fables#also featuring funky gender lesbian stuff because thats not even headcanon. to me#hopefully the reasoning out stuff doesn't just come out like a load of nonsense#vi's one of those characters where I definitely feel comfortable in writing her on a basic level but some parts I'm super insecure about#and the part with her is in really capturing the complexities of her backstory and family issues#and the thing is it's like. I have to remind myself that some parts of how canon did her on that are actually decent#and I should pay attention to those complexities. but then also canon definitely did some of their 'this hasn't really been earned'#resolution stuff on her. mostly thinking about the postcanon dialogue with Bianca. it's jsut too much of a jump for that for me#and it's not even that I necessarily think bianca's dialogue is out of character. it's that I'm contemplating whether it would've#made more sense for vi to get angry about it. like.#ok so. sometimes i think about what coming out to my family might be like. and I've come to the conclusion that if they were just accepting#despite the fact that it would be best case scenario I'd be angry about it. because they've said some shitty stuff in the past. in general#they've made me feel unsafe about myself. so no actually you don't get to just suddenly be chill about it now fuck you.#it doesn't change the past hurts#and I could see Vi being like that too. even if part of her is happy about getting what she wanted to start with she's pissed about#only getting it now. with a side helping of also wondering if the approval /now/ is only because she's been so successful about it#what if she hadn't been so specially favored by elizant? what if she hadn't been on the team that saved the world? why did she (maybe) have#to earn the approval she should've had from the start?#also not gonna get into this one right now but tweaking her story with jaune to acknowledge that theyre both at fault in different ways#(again). would be nice#but now I'm definitely veering into repeating myself type rambling territory so
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spending a couple weeks away from home and away from my toxic parent in a loving and comfortable environment at my partner's home has been an interesting and eye opening experience.
#vent#just had a conversation over text with my parent and they pretty much guilt tripped me like 5 consecutive times#because i havent been home and have been operating more independently#unfortunately i cried because it sunk in how controlling of my life theyve been#and how much theyve sabatoged it#i hate it so much that ive felt so helpless and stuck in life progression paralysis#because i was never set up to succeed#and i dont want to have to depend entirely on anyone anymore#but there's still so much i dont know how to do when it comes to being an adult#part of me feels guilty for prioritizing comfort and fleeting happiness for so long#that ive neglected to do the hard parts myself like moving and taxes and indepence#things i wish i had figured out by now#regardless#the shock of having true peace when youve gone so long finding comfort in an uncomfortable situation#is astounding
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MAN! AHH!
#its so crazy to realize that like#you actually do have a life you can go back to after removing yourself from a space that was actively making you miserable#i fucking love my friends so much. been talking to them a lot more lately#i feel like ive been neglecting them because ive been spending so much time lamenting the relationships that havent worked out for me#and just not even thinking about the ones that HAVE and actively DO#and its like. why do i hesitate to dive headfirst into the friendships that i already have and already feel secure in???#i think part of me thinks i dont deserve relationships where i dont have to prove myself#but im realizing that i can draw a distinct line between friendships where i feel loved as i am vs ones where i have to earn approval#and the latter is not where i should be focusing my energy#idk! love my irls. rubyrainacharlie forever#feels like im coming back to who i was pre-all the horrible shit thats happened to me in the last year and a half#like even just after the last two days alone#diary
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n one gets him like i do no one understands him like me no one is as insane about him as i am STARTS GNAWING AT THE THE BARS OF MY ENCLSOURE
#toxi.txt#and yet i feel bad for the way i love him because at what point does love for a fictional character simply become sad and pathetic#ive only grown more irritated the more ive started to love him. more annoyed than ive ever been by skinny williams. by bad characterization#by the way i feel like im in my own echo chamber and cant truly talk about him with anybody else because they dont get it -#or because ive talked of him so much its become irritating and annoying and no one wants to hear it anymore#but its not like i can just stop. i wouldnt want to even if i could. he makes me happy#at some point the love is simply... neglect for everything else. im sure people are tired of seeing me draw him over and over and over#and isnt it ridiculous? that i feel like a bad person just for loving a character?#but the amount of people who actually like william continues to dwindle#his tag is quiet and it only gets quieter and sometimes the only people who speak are thise who dont understand him#its a loneliness of my own design other times. its not like like-minded people dont exist#and i guess also#how long can you siphon a well until it runs dry?#i already lack creativity. it's been worse this month or so than ever. maybe sometimes theres nothing else to be done#maybe im only ever repeating myself saying things ive said before. maybe i have nothing good to say at all
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Welp, my hair is falling out again.
#sort of fucking sick of having everything go to shit#my skin and my reflux have been problems#my new office at work is claustrophobic and depressing#nothing has been going my way and it’s all these little things#on top of the big thing that is the illness#I just want to eat normal food and care for myself like a normal person#I just want to be able to take care of my body but I can’t#because taking care of my illness means neglecting normal human things#shoulder your burdens well belore’dorei is doing a lot of heavy fucking lifting for me right now#I can’t even cry without risking hives
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and my mother gets angry I don't rely on her today now that she suddenly wans to help. but like I cannot trust this is sincere and something I can count on while she still not capable of being honest with me. tired of being told I am unreasonable and crazy not asking for help on the house that beat the shit out of me for catching dengue fever and always attached human value and independence to how much money you were putting at the table
#like I had a lot of doctors be neglectful for me but it would not have gotten this bad if I didn't have my mother encouraging the narrative#that I was making up fake symptoms to get attention.#I don't like admitting or acknowledging it. I know she had a super hard time#but she did make some terrible mistakes with me and I'm not even sure if the three months she casted me our of the family really were the#worst. I wanna make peace with her I do love her I want her to be in my life and I do help her with HER problems#like I've done since I was too little really. but like. I can't trust she wants to be a mother now#if she can't admit she hasn't been#I don't want an apology! I just want her to stop calling me crazy. because her calling me crazy did have consequences for me#which is extra cruel considering nobody should know better than miss anti asylum activist#but I digress. just. is so hypocritical when she acts like she doesn't understand why I'm so 'hard on myself and can't accept being ill'#.txt
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Trying to keep a lid on it but. Yeah. Literally don’t know what’s it like to NOT be platonically neglected IRL my whole damn life, only that I know this One Person doesn’t deserve to be at the epicenter of it anymore than I deserved to have been at the epicenter of theirs a year ago now.
…why am I like this. Why are we like this.
#tiger’s roar#…but like. good god. someone being Actually Genuinely KIND and insisting they DO like my company and want my friendship#(and is arguably mutually attracted and THOSE feelings of mine and what I’m picking up from them just won’t DISPELL already)#just. really stirs the muck. gets at that emotional constipation in my brain’s grease trap#then having TWICE now having Activities Suggested and THIS Time in FRONT of people then like…never following through?#all but thinking aloud with planning to witnesses things that sound less like hanging out and more like a date#and then just…not doing it?#when the Reality is Apparently Too Busy?#us fighting earlier this year over quality time essentially#when all I want is to have like. maybe an hour or two once a week or once a month#to enjoy someone else’s company. get a fucking REPRIEVE from my life#that’s…that’s it? nothing grand. just have the time found where it can be without causing strain?#I’m actually NOT a romantic even when I have romantic feelings? they just make me yearn for basic contact all the more#I’ll always be ‘too platonic’ within a romantic relationship so no it’s never going to be an ‘expectation’#MAYBE the one with unrealistic expectations is the guy who watches romance films and struggles with AllorNothing thinking perhaps?#and…yeah. trying to not feel resentful of their time spent this summer with existing friends when apparently not working 20+ hrs a week#in addition to their own research and god knows what else#…because it feels like there’s no space for me. and probably never will be. and I have never been ‘cool’ a day in my life#sure I own it as an adult. especially a 30s adult.#but having people recognize me as kind and supportive and easy to talk to 1:1 (my group aqauaintance/casual friendships SUCK)#but. basically never getting to keep any of them as friends? quickly ditched? treated like a used bandaid?#it…gets to me alright? like I only exist as Catch/Treat/Release but for people#which sure. the friend I’m angry at HAS been frustrated about me deserving better. looks at me like I’m christmas.#and I’m now fairly close friends with their beloved sibling. and despite things having THE Worst Start Ever their family seems to trust me#…but…it’s just…think I deserve better? think I’m worthy of your esteem and respect? think I’m kind and approachable?#want me to feel safe and relaxed enough to be myself? then just…do better.#ask when I’m available to kill a few hours then…follow through on that. that’s it.#not all the time. and my ‘expectation’ is to always be either neglected or used and feeling jaded about it#just…a repreive. for both of us. that’s it.
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3 2 1 let's go
#ive been kinda demotivating myself from studying and stuff over the past few days bc ive just been coding and i dont rly understand my own#code or how to fix it rn so it takes hours . anyway ive been neglecting my actual uni work etc etc like bitch u have a lott of stuff to do#so many modules all in one term like get it together u cannot be slacking rn !#anyway lets do that today. i like all my modules (even the ones i didnt get to pick/cores) so its hard to focus on just 1...#ok i used an rng it came to 2 so lets do neural networks#announcing to internet so i feel more accountable. i rotted for 2 months its exhausting i need + want to do things again. esp when this ter#the modules r cute..
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