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vacantdesireprose · 2 years ago

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Who Am I?

My answer at 8 is not the same answer at 29.

At 8, I was lost and unsure of the world around me. I was sweet, but lacked boundaries (what real 8 year old has boundaries?). At 8, I was athletic and hyper and nerdy. My baby hair’s never stayed down and I hated math. I wasn’t necessarily an overachiever, but I liked to be involved. I was ostracized by male peers and felt lonely pretty often.

At 12, I was discovering pleasure and lust. I was lying more about my thoughts and actions. I was exploring myself and being shamed for it. My parents didn’t allow me to stay at anyone’s house for an hour and especially not overnight. I was very sneaky and curious. I allowed boys and men to objectify me. I thought it meant I was special and seen. I was still pretty involved, but not only in academics or sports. My first love was karate. My second was boys. I didn’t really fit in anywhere with my friend groups. I had a hard time with the boys because I was sweet and had a great ass. I had a hard time with the girls because my great ass got attention from certain boys.

At 14, I felt love for the first time. I also felt lust. These two didn’t go well together. I was curious about the world around me. I was a liability to my parents because I lied a lot and I was a liability to my boyfriend because well, I lied a lot. Life at this age was severely inappropriate and fun and turbulent. I did what I wanted, got home when I wanted, and kissed who I wanted. I was happiest with my friends (who weren’t good friends). I spent most of my afternoons in parks and playgrounds getting finger fucked and convincing the world I was worthy of being seen.

At 16, I felt depression and disappointment for the first time. Like real disappointment. Not “you can’t go to karate tonight” disappointment- no. This was some heavy shit. I was manipulated, tricked, and abused by a man much older than me. I was impregnated and threatened. I was then forced to abort the only bit of hope I felt within me. I was left empty. Alone and empty, I grew bitter and angry. After this, everything in my reality changed. My hope in humanity, my self-worth, my ideas of who I was as a woman were shattered. With no one around to pick up the pieces. At this age, I was also greatly embraced by the adults in my high school. Change is sometimes really good. I traveled, learned new skills, and opened my eyes to the life I could have ahead of me. I still loved to be involved. At this point, my involvement looked like varsity sports teams and many clubs & organizations. This age taught me the importance of access and opportunity.

At 18, I dug myself out of the trenches and developed a lust for life. I partied, I prioritized health, and of course, chased love. Sought every opportunity to feel love, to feel something. The remnants of my unborn child gave me permission to chase anything that would give me a dopamine increase. I wanted so badly to erase my past, eradicate the life I’d had. My relationship with my family was essentially non-existent at this point. I was being kicked out of the home and sleeping in my car for disobedience. I worked hard and played harder- whether my mother approved of it or not. But I was so ambitious! I was thriving in my personal life- drivers permit, working, receiving college entry letters. Life was good on my terms.

At 22, I started going to therapy. I was living on campus (on my terms) and was creating beautiful relationships with my peers. I joined a sorority, went to California, had two more abortions by that boy I lost my virginity to at 14, and got drunk and high....often. At this point, I thought my personality had been permanently imprinted on me. I was young and wrong. Still full of life and experiences to be had. Thinking back, I was so young. It was my second year of teaching and it was a blissful experience. I was dating my first outwardly emotionally unavailable guy. We could argue that the abusive ex was emotionally unavailable, but that’s too kind of a phrase to describe such a monster. No no, this guy, he was really sweet in that cliché way that you see in the movies. We baked bread and he serenaded me, and his friends and family loved me. “You better marry that girl,” they’d say. What people didn’t see was that he never- not once in the two years we dated told me he loved me. Not once, claimed me to be his girlfriend. I fucked my childhood friend at one point while we dated. I knew it was time to cut that cord.

At 25, I was the happiest I’d been in a long time. I was living with one of my college sorority sisters in a stunning fourth floor walkup with big beautiful windows overseeing the Bayonne bridge. For two years, we loved each other, had fun with each other, and looked after one another. The boys and drama and insecurities in between are irrelevant now. All I remember is the love. Time with my roommate was a reality romcom. She was my sister and I loved her dearly. As always, though, things come to an end and new chapters unfold. We parted ways more bitterly than I’d ever anticipated. The moment our lease was up, it set the expiration date for our friendship too. That’s how things felt. Once that relationship closed, I welcomed back an old friend. The pandemic brought back my love from 14. Now full adults, we attempted to navigate this old road. It was clear from the beginning that not much changed. It was clear from the start that the trauma, the bitterness, the spite was still simmering close to the surface. We didn’t make it past year one of the lease, but I gained value in learning my needs.

At 27, I was seeking. Seeking love, validation, money, comfort, obsession. I was trying to heal my 8 year old self. Always feeling isolated, feeling unworthy of the love I desired. This journey has not ended. It has merely begun. At 27 I got more serious about the ways I showed up authentically in my life. I thought more deeply about how my contributions impact relationships- whether negatively or positively. At this point, I was no longer a fresh faced educator. Now, I was maturing in my profession- even if it didn’t feel like it. The trajectory of my life, of my career felt like an upward spiral to nowhere. Almost 6 years in my profession of choice- not of desire- and I felt as though I’d moved nowhere fast. People respect me, people look to me for execution, I’ve been featured, my data has been phenomenal. But, unfulfilled. I’d felt unfulfilled. This is a reoccurring theme- unfulfillment.

At 29 I found my way to God. He never left me, but I’d lost my faith long ago. Loss, manipulation and deception can do that to a person, but He never left me. At 29, my friendships have become more stable, my impulses are under control, and my need to disappear has slightly lessened. This time has been filled with vulnerability, reflection, and intentionality. My tribe has flocked my direction, opportunities have been endless. I’m a far ways from the age of 8. A lot of who I am, I can’t negate. I love it all, every single place. My journey through life, God won’t mistake. I am here to alchemize my child self and rebirth a true alignment of all that God sees me to be.

At 8, I was lost and unsure of the world. I guess some things never really change.

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varusai · 3 years ago

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who do you think is the most dateable dark matter thief?? i know you have an opinion and i need to hear it

sorry for the late response anon i honestly had to think abt this one for a few days lmao, but yeah i have opinions. below the cut bc fr i have opinions, all of them have major pros and cons (based on my characterization at least) and really i just have to break it down for u

Boros, everyones obvious first choice, but certainly not mine.

Pros: rich, tall, pretty, fun af, passionate, will kill for you np, give you anything you want, literally anything.

cons: has a god complex, doesnt respect you, not his number one priority at all, will forget about you once its not interesting for him anymore, probably argumentative/combative af, is very very smart and has no problem manipulating you in all the worst ways, is very entitled so he will never feel bad about anything, cant win arguments either bc he’ll want to settle it with combat, will get offended over little things just to argue bc he thinks thats fun

this is a relationship you’d get into if you literally have nothing to lose and dont care about your mental health. like hes hot but this shit would be toxic af and he will ruin your life and leave you to go fuck around and fight someone on the other side of the universe. this will be the best of times and the worst of times for you and you will never be the same afterward mentally or emotionally. the only way i would even consider it is if i lost my damn mind. The only way a relationship with him would ever work long term is if you were physically stronger than him and were capable of putting him in his place OR you were smart enough, suicidal enough, and interesting enough to him to engage in some psychological warfare and reject him if he asked you. Make him chase you for years, say yes, then decide that /he’s/ boring /you/ and leave him for another member of the squad to just destroy their established hierarchy and humble him to the point that he’s obsessed with you.

i dont have the energy for all that, so i’ll just smash and pass.

0/10 completely undateable

Geryuganshoop, also a probable second choice for many:

pros: cute, nice, tentacle alien (obviously), will respect you np, will also give you anything you want, not antagonistic at all, telepathic communication so no risk of miscommunication, emotionally intelligent and available, loyal to a fault,

cons: horrible boss/best friend that you will have to listen to him vent about for at least 3 hours a day, complete yes man as well so he will not tell boros no or cut him off and you will be stuck dealing with this no matter what, severely mentally ill and wont go to therapy bc he thinks hes handling it well, workaholic, needs a lot, and i mean A LOT of attention

this relationship would be great if not for boros lol. boros sabotages his social and romantic life but geryu has been friends with him too long to either cut him off or establish boundaries. he has no backbone (figuratively and literally) and wouldnt even consider it. he’ll ignore you in favor of his job too, to a massive degree. also i think that while the telepathic communication would be a major plus in most cases, here i feel like i’d have no less than 16 different, never before seen on earth, mental illnesses projected right into my brain just from being within a certain radius of him.

im already fucked up enough in that sense so pass unfortunately.

it would be a yes without boros in the picture tho lmao

so prob like 4/10 iffy datablillity, 1 level increase with each decade of therapy he gets tho so a lot of potential :D

Groribas, my fav girl:

pros: straightforward, realistic, very clear expectations, will not fuck around with you whatsoever like there is no mind games or anything here, will kill for you, rich and non materialistic so she’ll basically just let you do whatever with her money since she doesn t care about it, cares about her job but like...a normal amount. she absolutely has a good work/life balance, highly organized so she will not forget important dates, loyal af and will defend your honor under any circumstances, mean but in a funny way, a ton of fun to hang out with if you’re into that, no eyes so i dont have to worry abt eye contact ever

cons: extremely high expectations, like exhaustingly high, and not even a bit of flexibility there, if you dont meet the cut its a no, she’ll let you know and leave same day, she will also bully you, you need a thick skin and great sense of humor to survive, bad at feelings if you need emotional support???? go elsewhere, shes mega emotionally unavailable, will probably want to share bodies as a form of intimacy

overall its a solid 6.5/10 dateability for me i love the directness and no bs approach, we would def get along well. however, while im not sensitive, shes def gonna hit on some insecurities at some point and it will cause an argument lol. but i mean whatever. it happens. the body sharing would be an issue though, same reason i wouldnt be chill with having a symbiote despite being a major venom fucker. i need my space i cant deal with that. so thats a possible deal breaker if she couldnt get over that lol. and she wont, so we wouldnt work out. i wish it fuckin would tho😭😭😭 i would take whatever crumbs of attention she would be willing to give me

Melzalgald, my fav they/them bastard:

pros: amorphous and shapeshifting aka extremely attractive according to my taste in monsters, tall af but could chose to be a more reasonable survivable size lol, self contained and self-entertaining so they dont need a ton of attention to be happy, funny af, rich, will give you whatever you want and probably a bunch of shit you didnt know you wanted, very fun, built in friend group if you didnt already have friends, extremely emotionally intelligent and great people skills due to living in a collective, stupid af by choice, like some of em are very smart, but they dont claim that, will say fuck work and tell boros to eat shit to spend time with you, will kill for you as well, but only if you ask them to bc their first inclination is to just bother someone to death, very loyal, once they like you they like you really forever, it would take some pretty extreme circumstances to make them dislike you

cons: annoying af and its unavoidable, will talk over you, all of them at once will talk over you and do so loudly, no respect for personal space, they dont even know what that is, will probably accidentally manhandle you, they act stupid but arent so they can be manipulative, even if it isnt bad and they dont really mean to be, impulsive, forgetful of the needs of organic creatures so they will bother you at all hours of the day and night if you arent firm with boundaries, disgustingly extroverted and will bring randoms to your place without asking, or just...make new cluster members and you have to roll with it, will eat or absorb literally anything you have, will antagonize and bother you for fun, major jump scare risk since sometimes the forms are....fleshy

this ones hard for me like theyre hot af and i feel like they’d be super fun and good partners, but god....the noise. idk how long i could deal with that lol i dont like people in my house. it would drive me up the wall, but then again...i can simply kick them out when ive had enough. they arent projecting mental illness directly into my brain or requiring me to share a body sintelligento major plus. creepy thing/symbiote style hot monster without any of the invasiveness so tbh 8/10 dateability

some people date loud annoying extroverts who dont understand personal space that /arent/ rich, loyal, or emotionally intellegent so i’d be winning on a few different fronts lmao

#lord boros #geryuganshoop #groribas #melzalgald #dark matter thieves #opm #i put way too much thought into this after not thinking abt them in a long while #it was fun tho #Anonymous

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randomactsofpigeon · 4 years ago

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Personal. Also like... all the trigger warnings, I’m out of spoons to figure out tags for all this shit. No reblogs please. This is just a diary post because writing to myself never does any good, but writing in public sometimes helps.

My mother is the most emotionally unavailable person I’ve ever met. I know the reasons why. Her father was an abusive POS. I’m not sure if there was physical abuse because she rarely talks about it, but it wouldn’t surprise me. There was significant emotional abuse, including that the man had six children but wanted to pretend he lived in a household with none. She wasn’t allowed to ever publicly express emotion in her own home. This has manifested as an adult as an inability to understand or express her own emotions, and a profound discomfort with emotional displays or emotionally-impacting negative events of any kind. She will go out of her way to pretend things that very much happened did not happen, because she can’t cope with it.

I have spent a large share of my adult life trying to reconcile how wholly inadequate this was from the standpoint of her child, and how it’s in turn fucked me up, with the fact that she’s an abuse survivor and that isn’t her fault.

It’s hard to have a mother that has never and will never be there for you, to know you grew up having to cope with literally every last fucking hurt on your own, that you never learned to be excited about anything, or how to share things or ask for help, and NOT blame her. And then comes the ocean of guilt because blaming abuse survivors is bad. But these things can be true at the same time: her inadequacies profoundly impacted me and continue to do so this day, and the abuse wasn’t her fault. It is complicated and contradictory and nuanced and frustrating.

To put this in context, I fantasized about having cancer for a large part of my childhood. Because if I was seriously, physically ill, then I might get the warmth, attention, comfort, and support I desperately needed, because then it would finally be bad enough to deserve it. (I didn’t understand it that clearly as a child; I just knew that being very sick was appealing to me for some reason. This is years of therapy helping me understand.)

(Also, my dad is a separate post. For anyone wondering where he was. Long story short present in a physical way, but I’ve literally sat in front of this man sobbing and had him not notice anything was wrong. So.)

But hey, I thought, at least my mom got the basics right. We were fed , sheltered, and clothed. She never hit us. We had medical care and went to good schools. She protected us.

Well.

Another way in which my family is fucked up is that my sister was molested by our uncle (my mother’s brother) as a child. She has spent a literal decade trying to work up the courage to tell our “nothing bad ever happens” mother, with the anticipation that she’d probably either ignore or deny it. Relevant here is my mother still has a good relationship with this sibling (on the surface... more on that later). She keeps up with him online, she invites him to things. My sister missed our grandmother’s wake (father’s mother) because he lives in that area and our mom invited him. I had a contingency plan for if he showed up at my sister’s wedding, because my mom refused to uninvite him.

My sister finally told her yesterday.

She did not, in fact, ignore or deny it.

Instead, she told my sister, “I suspected the abuse but hoped I was wrong. Also, he molested me too, when I was a child.”

And there’s this contradiction again. Because I KNOW trauma fucks people up. I KNOW THIS. My trauma is different, but gods, I know how it stops your brain from working right.

And yet.

SHE KNEW her bother was a predator. SHE KNEW THIS. And she still invited him into our lives. She didn’t abuse my sister herself, but she sure as fuck created the circumstances that allowed it happen. She put us all in danger. Knowingly. Willingly.

And I’ve been trying to understand what on earth could make her do that, and I keep coming up empty. I mean, how could she do that to us?

The bar was set SO LOW for her, and she couldn’t even do this one basic mom thing of not exposing her children to a pedophile. She couldn’t do the one basic brave thing of asking my sister what had happened when she began to suspect.

I don’t understand.

I don’t understand, and I feel so betrayed, and so furious, and so guilty because I know how much all of this must have fucked her up, because I know that she may never have told anyone about it before. I’m trying to find empathy and compassion and I all I can find is hurt and rage, that she put us all in danger and my sister, who I love so much, got hurt. My sister, who I have been supporting through all of this in part because we both knew damn well that she couldn’t go to our mom for support.

And I can’t talk to my mom. It doesn’t feel fair, like I don’t deserve to feel any of this because I wasn’t in the direct line of fire from our uncle, because I’m just a bystander I don’t have a right to be upset. And I’ve rarely been this upset in my life. I could try talking to her, but it won’t do any good.

I was driving home from my covid vaccine today and had a moment where I was tempted to flip my car going around a sharp turn. This isn’t suicidal ideation (I’ve had that too, and I know the difference). This is more along the lines of kid-Pigeon wishing she had cancer; I don’t know how to ask my mother to please be there for me, goddammit, please help me understand but feel like she would show up for me if I were physically hurt. This was the first time in five or six years I’ve had that kind of impulse, so that was super fun.

I’m just... I never had a mom. I had a caretaker, like someone hired to look after me, and it was just a job she had to do. And that void is just eating and eating and eating away at me since her revelation. Because it’s not like you can just go out and get another. It’s not like making a friend or finding a partner. It’s just an injury I have to learn to live with because there’s no other option.

And right now I don’t know if I can do that. I feel like this might be the last straw, the one I just can’t get over and can’t therapy away and can’t stop from hurting.

I need to understand, but there’s no answer. I want to know what I ever did to not deserve a normal family. I want to know what I ever did to have to work this hard to just hit some facsimile of being a normal adult. There’s no answer to any of that.

I’m just really tired.

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revisionaryhistory · 4 years ago

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Three Days ~ 55

~*~Sebastian~*~

I stared at her. Stunned. I'm not sure if it's how the conversation went or she wants me and whatever comes with me. Emma is so intentional. Her words carry meaning. She wants to be clear and asks for clarity. This is heaven for my overthinking brain. I’m not stuck wondering what she means nor am I afraid to ask. Because I know she'll answer. Really answer.

"I've got eight years on you, how are you the more mature one?"

"Stabilizing influence and frighteningly direct communication of my second dad."

The expression on her face and deadpanned delivery had me laughing. "I can see that. I'll be the emotionally reactive one and you can be the calming one." Then I remembered. "Although, Eli did tell a story about you laying into some guy in Hawaii at a volleyball game. Ed dumped you in the ocean. I wish there was video."

"There is. You'll have to get dad to send it to you."

Tuesday was a good day. Workout was hard and my abs were already sore, but we'd laughed a lot. Good phone call with mom. The house had come together, she was enjoying some time in the pool, and she'd picked up some piano students. My afternoon was spent in my manager, Emily's, office. Mostly she and I, but a few conference calls. I was about to be busy. The next six weeks I was more gone than home. I was excited about the work. Excited to see friends.

Admittedly, the timing wasn't the greatest, new relationship and all, but I was confident we'd figure it out. This is different. I'd like to say it was because my previous experience is whining and bitching about me being gone so long, knowing I was going to pay for the distance, and trying to front-load my leaving to make it more palatable. While all of those all true, the actual difference is I care. The emotionally unavailable hot and cold thing comes into play here. I put up a wall to block the whining and bitching, not really listening, because it's my job. Bitching at me isn’t going to change anything and I’m not going to feel guilty for doing my job. Well, I do, but it just pisses me off because I shouldn’t. The expectation of gifts, dinners, or a vacation to make up for being gone made those a lot less fun. And I was never successful at cramming a bunch of stuff in before I left, because my work didn't start when I left. It starts weeks before. I don’t leave for filming for a month, but I’m already prepping: gym reading, watching things, research, and studying the script. I get pretty singularly focused. I don't know any other way. And when pushed I shut down. I don't respond. I brood. And I appear cold. None of this is right. Some just is. Some is my fault. Getting to where I didn't care about her (any of the previous hers) feelings and concerns with me gone was a side effect of shutting down and I regret doing that. It wasn’t that I didn’t care about her feelings. It was feeling ineffectual to do anything about it and my self-protection kicking in. Looking back, saying effectively “deal with it” was incredibly insensitive. Not proud of it.

But now, sitting here looking at my schedule I’m finding places I can find some time for us. We’ll figure it out. I can tell you what won’t happen. Emma won't whine where I block her out. She's not going to emotionally blackmail me for things, which will make me want to give. And she’ll leave me alone to prep, let me bounce things off her, or cook something to remind me to eat. I need all of those. I care how Emma's going to feel about me being gone. I care about what we’ve begun and how we'll keep in touch. I also know that while I'm away she will carry on living the life she had before she had me and be just fine.

Emma had practice tonight and a game tomorrow. It was after eight when she called. She was in a tank top and her hair was wet from her shower. I caught up on her day before leading into mine. "I have good news and bad news."

"OK." Emma drug out the word, wary of my response.

"When I get back from Canada, I've got some time to spend with you. Then I’m gone for the month of July. Fashion show, audition and meetings, comic con, then filming in Rome." Playing off last night’s conversation, I added. "I'm not expecting a bad reaction."

"Well, that's good." Her hand moved toward the screen and I chose to believe she was touching my face. "I'II miss you, but I’m excited for you. And me getting to hear about what you're doing. Living vicariously."

I'd had some time to think. I had a lot of thoughts on plans. This was the soonest. "You get back Tuesday, doubleheader Wednesday, and I get back late Thursday. What's your weekend look like?"

"Empty. I'll come to you. You'll barely be home if you come here. I can come anytime Friday. I'll be done with work except maybe packing up my room. I can do that whenever."

"Early Friday. Thursday night." I wanted to maximize our time. "I have to do some work."

"I can amuse myself."

"Maybe the shop you liked so much will be having a sale?" I laughed at the way her eyes lit up. "July fourth weekend I'm at a fashion show. Wanna go to Paris?"

"What?" Her face moved closer to the screen. I’d surprised her.

"Not necessarily Paris, but near. The third is the show. Have you been to Paris?"

"Family spent the summer in Europe when we were thirteen. Then Pearl Jam tours. Love Paris."

"Not much more than a long weekend, but museums and I'm sure we can find some romantic Paris shit to do."

"I would love to go to Paris with you."

That was good because I'd already made reservations. "California for about two weeks then straight to Italy for at least that. Depends on how long shooting takes. Hopefully back in time to join you in Chicago. Then nothing until the end of August. Will and I had been talking about a group of us going away. We were waiting for my schedule. What do you think about a group trip and we stay a little longer or go off alone? It would be a beach somewhere."

"You going to rub sunscreen on me?"

"Um yay, part of my volleyball job. Beer bitch and sunscreen applier."

“I’m in."

"End of August is a Disney thing. Labor Day weekend is the Toronto Film Fest. Little stuff in there, nothing big. No idea past then."

She laughed, eyes wide, and moving her head in all directions "It's crazy like a tour schedule. I'm jealous. I love touring."

"I thought about Rome, but the schedule's tight. You wouldn't see me."

"I wasn't trying for an invite. I'll get some of my summer PD hours done so I won't have to worry about them. Make sure I've got time for us."

I leaned back on the couch, "That was easy."

She glared at me. "I thought you weren't expecting a bad reaction?"

I shook my head, "No, no, I wasn't. Just an observation. Thought I might have to talk you into the beach." I held it a second before smiling, "Not really. I do know it’s a lot."

"I will always go to a beach."

"You’re not allowed to play volleyball."

"Did you get the video from dad?"

"About an hour ago." I'd enjoyed it several times. "You're a feisty little thing."

Wednesday was a day of pictures and texts. After the gym, I settled in my extra room to prep. I had my laptop on the table, a stack of books on top of my script, and a huge bottle of water. I took a picture and posted it to Instagram along with one of me with a pencil between my teeth and pulling my hair.

Emma ~ How'd you get a picture of your expression during your last blow job?

Sebastian ~ Hidden camera in bedroom. You should see the other things I have. Coupling Season 1. "The Cupboard of Patrick's Love."

Emma ~ “You really don't have enough blood for both ends of your body, do you?"

Sebastian ~ Very good, Sally.

Love that she can quote one of my favorite shows.

After lunch, Emma posted a picture of her in the middle of a group hug with her students. "I'll miss my munchkins.” I sent a sad face emoji.

Then I fell into a hole. I got pulled into my research and reading and the next time I picked up my phone it was one a.m. I need time like this and put my phone on do not disturb. The only thing that comes through is two calls from the same number within a few minutes. Anyone important knows how to reach me. Emma knew, but she didn't. Not even when the Demonic Crickets won their game. She posted several pictures, but I got a much better one in a text. Emma with her back to the camera in her team tank, arm up flexing her bicep, and her looking over her shoulder smiling at me. The gold flecks in her eyes were sparkling and the darker ring made the green more intense.

Emma ~ Hope you're getting a lot done. Internally anyway. XOXO

Sebastian ~ * 12 hours later * Yeah, I did. I'm hungry. Congrats on the win. Picture is beautiful.

Sebastian ~ You're beautiful

Her thank you came while I was working out. After a shower, I fell back into my hole until it was time for therapy.

I'd been seeing Celie for a long time. Frequency varied. She had a dark brown bob, glasses, and a round face. At this point, I could read her as well as she could me. If she was looking at me over her glasses, she thought I was full of shit. No words needed. She was about ten years older than me and her style worked for me. It was a great one-sided friendship.

I took my regular spot on the blue couch, "How are you today, Celie?"

Celie smiled. She had the unconditional positive regard thing down. I say that, but she does genuinely like me. Most of the time. I can be a pain in the ass. "I've had a good day and after you I get to go home. You seem to be in a good mood. Tell what's going on with you, Seb."

I was always her last client of the day. Sometimes I needed more than an hour. "I am in a good mood. I met somebody. Last time I saw you I was going to help my parents move. I met Emma there. In a grocery store, if you can believe that."

"Sounds like you can't."

"I asked her to dinner in under fifteen minutes."

She widened her eyes in disbelief. Exactly my point. "Did you? Good for you, Seb. A complete stranger. What led you to ask her out?"

"I was all covered up and she tells me I looked like a rehab patient checking into the clinic up the road. But she was kind to me. A sketchy stranger. She didn’t know who I was until we were outside and I introduced myself. She helped me find the things on my list and we chatted." I put my hands in front of my chest, fingers splayed. "She felt good. I didn't know why, just enough that I knew I wanted to know more.”

“And what do you know now?”

I spent the next several minutes telling Celie the salient points. We’ve been doing this long enough that explaining isn’t necessary. She’ll recognize why things are important. My face hurt from smiling after I was finished talking about Emma. I stopped short of the whole conversation on Sunday.

“Besides the obvious early relationship high, how are you feeling about all this?”

“Good. Happy. Hopeful. The only concerning thing was Saturday I woke up from a night terror, panic attack. I got myself calmed down pretty quick, wrote for a while, and once Emma got up I went for a run.”

“Even with being happy, there’s been quite a bit of emotional activity. I’m pleased that you’ve only woken up once. Much better. What do you suspect triggered you?”

I took a deep breath, “Emma and I wound up in this conversation Sunday afternoon. A couple of my friends at the party had told her I wasn’t acting like I normally do with women, but more like I am with friends. This led to a conversation about my relationship issues. I’m not the same with her. She really doesn’t know that version of me. I think that’s why I had the anxiety. It was the night after the party but before the conversation. First time we’d been around my friends. I think it was not because I’m scared, but because I’m not. Like you said, there’s been a lot of emotional shit going on and I’m good. Remarkably good.”

“Why do you think that is?”

“Emma is different. She’s incredibly kind and is . . . gentle. Not weak though. She’s strong.”

Celie shook her head, “When I think of gentle people it’s a combination. They can be painfully truthful, but their manner makes others able to listen. They have a compassion for others.”

“Exactly! I noticed she knew everyone. She talked to everyone and used their name. I asked and she said she looked at their nametags and you never know what someone’s day has been. That might be the first nice thing that’s happened all day. I know it’s a little thing, but it’s her. She’s like that with me. She doesn’t try to talk me out of being anxious or overthinking. She doesn’t think my insecurities are stupid. They’re all just part of me.”

“She accepts you.”

“Right. The more we got to know each other, the more we talked, I felt safe. She doesn’t do those things I usually shut down over. I don’t feel the need to protect myself. She’s very different.” Celie was looking at me over her glasses. Uh oh. “You’re giving me the look.”

“Yes, I am.”

“Why? I thought I was doing good. I asked out a stranger and got this amazing woman.”

“Sebastian, as quick as you are to fault yourself, you’re slow to take credit.”

“Take credit?” I didn’t know what she was talking about.

She leaned forward, putting her elbows on her knees. “You think this relationship is different because of Emma. You lucked out and met an accepting, kind, gentle person.”

“Yes. No. Both. Emma is different and she makes me different.”

Celie made a loud, jarring beeping noise. This was new.

“Ok, I guess I’m wrong.”

“You are. Not completely. You’re not giving yourself enough credit. Any credit. You’ve worked very hard. You’ve read. You’ve journaled. You’ve talked. You’ve done things I’ve asked you to even if you didn’t understand or want to. I’ve seen you grow. To give responsibility for this relationship being different all to Emma is dangerous. What’s going to happen when she falls off this pedestal you’ve put her on? Is that going to be an excuse to shut down and protect yourself? Fall back on old habits.”

I could feel my eyebrows pulled down and the scowl on my face. “So you’re saying this isn’t as good as I think it is.”

“Not at all. I’m saying it’s got as much to do with you as it does her. Previously you would have never asked out a woman you met in a grocery. But that seems to be the furthest you’re going with how you’re different. I do not believe for one second that no other woman you’ve gone out with has been kind and accepting. Or would have been if you would have been able to show them you. You used to do things to test them. You’d say or do things to see how they’d react. As we’ve talked, you weren’t being real, so you don’t know that their reactions were.”

I nodded then looked down, “I know. Pretty manipulative.” I felt Celie’s hand on my arm and looked back up. Her face was very soft with a smile.

“Stop, Seb. You need to be proud of yourself. You are doing things differently. You have learned from your past, grown, and come a long way in accepting yourself. Warts and all. You have shown Emma who you are, even the parts you don’t like so much. She can have credit for how she’s responded to you, but you deserve the credit for being brave enough to show her in an honest and authentic way. That allowed her to respond in an equally honest and authentic way.”

I grabbed a tissue from the ever-present box on the table and wiped the wet from my face. Neither the first nor the last time I’d cry in this room.

"If you had met her even a year ago, with her exactly as she is now, this relationship would be very different."

"The wedding."

"Excuse me?"

Yeah, non sequitur. "I was supposed to go to a friend’s wedding last summer but didn't because there was a change in my shooting schedule. Emma was at the wedding. You're right. Had I met her then," I shook my head. “I wouldn't have been ready for her and now could have never happened."

Celie shrugged, "Probably not."

I sniffed and wiped my eyes, "How do I get her off this pedestal I’ve put her on?"

"You seem pretty smitten. Maybe not take her off, just lower it a little." I laughed and she went on. "What you do is own your part. You have been making choices to improve yourself. You have been making choices to go out of your comfort zone. And you have been making choices to let her know you. Emma's been making similar choices to be with you. I'm sure you know what she's come through to be where she is. It seems like you complement each other. Recognize this is both of you waking up and choosing to be with each other. Talk and negotiate what that means. Tell her what you want. And when you're not talking you listen. Listen to what she needs from you. The most important for you is to keep processing the feelings with her. She's the only one who can help those make a picture. And you need to give her the same gift. She has things she’s not so proud of and afraid for you to know about her. We all do. You will need to accept her and treat her with gentle kindness she gives you.”

I was crying again. "She told me. I told her she was different than the others. She asked if maybe I was different."

Celie snickered, "I like her."

"You would. She speaks therapy."

"I want to be very clear, Seb. She sounds wonderful and she may make you better. You sound wonderful and I bet you make her better too. That’s how it should work in a relationship. You help each other along. It takes two people with self-awareness making choices to do what it takes. You both have to choose growth, honestly, humility, vulnerability, and sacrifice. I hear you holding up your end. I’ve not heard you do this before. And while she may be the right woman, you've become the right man. Please, please, do not underestimate how much work you've put in to become the right man for another person.”

"I want to go home and cry for an hour or so."

"I wish Emma was here for you."

I shook my head with a grimace, "It's going to be ugly until I get it out."

"Yes. I think Emma would want to be there to hold you and you'd find more acceptance and comfort in that than you can imagine."

At home, I grabbed a beer, sank down in my favorite chair, and cried. I felt everything all at once but fought to untangle the threads. Sad was remnants of the past and dissipated quickly. Its friends regret and shame fought a little harder to stick around, but they were toxic and needed to go. Pride and relief were together too. Celie was right. I had worked hard. An infinite number of hours had gone into figuring myself out. There have been so many times I thought I'd be stuck forever. Sometime in the last two years that I've been without a girlfriend, all the work must have come together. In the last two years I've been filming almost nonstop. Five movies have come out. Two of which were Marvel circuses. It's like all the therapy (and the work that goes with it) knitted me back together while I was busy filming and living my life. Celie had told me to trust the process. I couldn't rush it or make changes happen before it was time. Patience. I am inherently impatient. Pride was for the work. Relief was for seeing results. Finally.

Next was happy. I’m in a good place. I'm excited about the movie I’m making. I have supportive, fun friends, and a loving family. I don't need a girlfriend to be happy, but one does bring everything together. I like having a person who is mine. Mine in the sense of us experiencing life together. The good and bad. I like that. I want that. And now I have it. The beginnings of it, anyway.

After I pulled my shit together, I wanted to talk to Emma. I wanted support. Maybe not support, but I felt raw. I wanted someone to soothe the raw nerves, to sit with me while all this new stuff integrated. I wish she was here. What I needed was a hug.

Sebastian ~ Can you talk?

I don't like that I asked. It feels insecure and I have zero reasons to feel insecure. I quickly decided to cut myself some slack.

My phone rang and I connected to FaceTime. "Hey." Her bright smile and obvious happiness to see me did wonders to soothe those raw nerves.

Emma's face went from a smile to wide-eyed concern. "Sebastian, what’s wrong? You look like you've been crying. What happened?" Before I could answer, she jumped to a correct conclusion. "You had therapy. Good, bad, or cathartic tears?"

"Mostly the last one."

Her hand went to her chest, "Ok." She picked up what I assumed was her iPad and crossed to the chair in her bedroom. I could see her pull her knees up when she put her feet on the ottoman. She rested the iPad on her knees.

"Mostly a repeat of what we talked about Sunday. Celie said I wasn't giving myself enough credit for the work I've done. My growth."

As Emma had alluded to the same thing, I expected a smile or some acknowledgment of her asking if I was different. Instead, I got, "What do you think?"

"I think I still need to work on not being so hard on myself." I smiled because that statement was me still being hard on myself. "When Celie pointed out how I've changed I could see it and was proud of myself. I can’t see it on my own yet, but I'll get there. I never thought anyone would get past my walls. It wasn't someone getting in, it was me getting out." More goddamned tears.

Emma reached out and touched the screen. "I‘m so happy for you. Proud of you too."

Her words felt like a hug. Close enough for now. "Thank you."

"I know you're a grown man, but I wish I was there. Crying alone sucks."

"Oh," I laughed a little, "the chances of us having a messy reunion are high."

"Why?"

"A lot of you and I talk today. I know me, it's gonna hit me when I see you."

"I should warn you. I have a strict policy that nobody cries alone in my presence."

I smiled at her exaggerated southern accent with the "Steel Magnolias" quote. "See ... gonna be messy."

#Sebastian Stan #sebastian stan fanfiction #fanfiction

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jbeshir · 6 years ago

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Why I Think Rationalist Self-Help Is Broken

So I was asked, fairly reasonably, after in my previous post I said I thought I might have had a narrow escape from a self-reinforcing set of bad approaches to mental health and executive functioning issues, what approaches I was thinking of, exactly.

This is a list of approaches I think are wrong, and the consensus around them in the self-help parts of the rationalist community (e.g. all the praxis/gnosis type channels I’ve encountered on rat!Discord) is a big part of why I no longer frequent those spaces and now consider myself rat!adjacent, centrally an EA, and more likely to pursue skeptic communities or other communities to try to find ones whose flaws I am happier living with, rather than expanding engagement with rationalist communities. Although I insist, as an unrepentant Yudkowskian, the rationalist community moved away from me and not visa versa.

If you’re a rationalist with “post rationalist” leanings who doesn’t want to read a list of reasons why I think you suck right now, I recommend not expanding this post; I’m going to try to be as polite as I can about it all and stuff, but at the end of the day the topic of the post is the topic of the post.

So, the approaches I think are bad, some with particular justification and some just by correlation to the rest.

Drug addiction/recreational drugs as coping mechanism. A bit ago I commented “alcoholism is cool so long as you swap out the drug”, sardonically, and someone responded to say that actually, they endorsed that, so this is an actual point of disagreement.

I think the primary problem with using incapacitating recreational drugs as a balm within your coping mechanism is that it provides an extremely good avenue for escapism, which is a really tempting way to buy a balm for today at the cost of tomorrow. Additionally, I think it readily leads to a thing where people can’t function sober because their coping strategy is unavailable, and can’t function high because, well, they’re high. And yet there is a lot of “oh, you feel bad? Let me help you get some weed”. Arguments about handling existing addicts aside, this is I think probably one of the ways people move into a rationalist cluster and then decline because of “helpful” peers sharing their escapism.

I miss straight-edge LW-rationality where my willingness to countenance alcohol put me at the questionable end of the spectrum.

A bunch of stuff tied up in the assumption that normal friendship and relationships are impossible for many people in the community and therefore people should be grateful to have friends and relationships at all. This particularly leads to the idea of the whole “catgirl” thing where you can apply any kind of costs to the people around you so long as you’re a catgirl for them, because both they and you assume that they can’t get friends anywhere else.

This is not actually true! Being friends with people who are... a bit high maintenance is great, but you shouldn’t do it out of the feeling that they are the only people who will be friends with you. It’s not true. and people shouldn’t feel like they can be as high maintenance as they want so long as they play catgirl.

When I got over this, approximately concurrent with me starting therapy and reinforced by an increase in RL socialisation they encouraged at the time, I flipped out a little and quit most of the circles I was in for a bit. I don’t need to be friends with people who borrow hundreds of pounds from me and have no shame about not paying it back to have friends, and any interactions with people who think I do are going to involve them taking liberties. I’m back in parts I like now, but without the previous “I need to cling to this community” feel.

Most stuff involved in thinking about social status and auras, and social reality, more likely if it promises to be looking at social reality for “real” when everyone else isn’t. These things are real, but... the only way I can really put the issue is... “wow, autistics are really bad at distinguishing between good and bad social models”. If the models pick up on one dynamic that a naive model doesn’t, they’re adopted without question, no matter what other cases they get wrong. And boy, do they get things wrong.

“Sometimes an impression of a person having an effective aura picks up on evidence that you would consciously miss about them being competent” => “The halo effect isn’t a bias anymore, it’s actually the correct way you should be approaching your decisions, your feels of a person’s aura is a better assessment of their competence than any assessments you might make away from those feels”, is every rationalist talking about how their in person interactions indicate a person actually has brilliant models despite everything they ever wrote being evaluated as awful when actually analysed blind. And it is frustrating as hell.

Auras and social reality offer a tempting opportunity to be the holders of a cynical secret, but taking that opportunity in no way requires people to actually adopt better models, and since the matter is complex enough that adopting better models is genuinely hard, that generally doesn’t happen. More common is brazen self-justification; the more you describe the rest of the world as sucking and focus on that the less your flaws show up relatively. The more you talk about your version of social reality, the less you have to pay attention to actual reality.

(I vaguely associate this stuff with Vassar’s group? But by now it’s the default.)

Trying to invent their own novel forms of therapy instead of (rather than as well as) going to actual therapists.

I think trying to execute therapy without being a therapist would be fair enough just because therapists are expensive, but some effort to actually be aware of what therapy generally entails rather than just sticking the name “therapy” on any series of actions you think is helpful would be good.

Hypnosis for mental health assistance and anything involved in exploiting suggestibility. This is mostly correlational- I observe a very strong correlation between cultivating suggestibility and a tendency to lack direction and an internal moral sense. But I also observe a lot of enthusiasm and no results, which is sufficient in itself to be dubious of it as a strategy.

Internal Family Systems; there’s a definite thing of temporarily disassociating to regain functionality temporarily I’ve seen people do which... I guess worked for them, I don’t want to recommend it but I can’t discourage it either.

But reifying things you are conflicted over into multiple personalities seems in the many cases I’ve seen it to let you keep both sides of the conflict, and I think that’s often not a good idea. The part of your thinking which is saying “actually, I don’t want to have this trait” should not be satisfied by being split off into a different personality unit than the trait.

I’m not sure it is something that can’t work to actually make progress in internal conflict, but I don’t think it looks like it is working the way I see it tried. I hear actual therapists touch on the concept, but I’d assign a probability of 80% that they do it different in a substantive manner.

I think peer support centred around validation has a tendency to validate behaving toxically. This isn’t rationalist exclusive, but is a problem with its self-improvement channels.

Separated out so you can more easily say you hate this bit while agreeing the above is bad: I also think it has a tendency to validate inaction. You don’t need to do X because Y. It’s okay to spend your time high because Z anyway. As a throwaway thing from a friend to a friend, well, there are worse crimes than bending epistemology while being supportive. As a culture, gets a bit crab bucket-y.

Part of the problem, I think, is that these traits tend to overlap and seem to reinforce each other. Once you get into some you get a bunch of the rest, and then you can’t update out because of the mutual reinforcement. The stuff you hear against your weed habit? Clearly just people manipulated by state propaganda trying to increase their own social standing. The stuff you hear against social power? It definitely seems to help in whatever hypnotic/suggestibility stuff you’re playing with. Why go to a therapist when they don’t understand social reality? And such. I never particularly bought into any of them, and am quite glad I did not.

I’ll mention messing with self-identity as something which is more good than bad. It doesn’t work, I think, if you detach yourself from reality enough that you can sustain a positive self-identity without actually... being positive, which is a problem that exists. It’s often done very poorly. But it’s still better than the way people readily self-identify as negative things by default. People are at least aware that negative identity is much more self-fulfilling than positive, and if you let something negative in there that wasn’t definitely true by accident then it will tend to become true.

Also, while I now no longer agree with the part of it based on IFS, I like the rest of the Luminosity sequence as a “soft sequence”, based on novel ideas, which I think is good for self-improvement; it focuses on self-observation to gain a more accurate self-model, and I think this largely works and is positive.

(On the Hammertime sequence in particular, I’ve not read it yet.)

#rationality #rationalists #rationality community #discourse

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sharedheadspace · 6 years ago

Text

a copy/paste of [this] twitter thread on the fawning response to abuse, found through [this] tumblr post encouraging clicking through to read the whole thing

because when i come back to this i know im not going to be in the brainspace to bother clicking through, and nobody wants to fucking read eight thousand twitter screenshots. ever

[bolding added by me, in pieces i know im going to want to look at]

I want to share what has been, in the last year or so, one of the most important things I've realized about my own trauma history — something that has been massively important for my own healing.

Let's talk about the link between people-pleasers and emotional abuse.

Confession: I am a people-pleaser. It took me a long time to realize this, though. Because I'm opinionated! And I speak my mind! I'm an "open book" about a lot of what I've been through. Clearly I don't care what people think... right?

But people-pleasing is a lot more complex than that. It's actually part of a trauma response. Most people know about fight, flight, and freeze — but another response, "fawn," is at the core of what people-pleasing is actually about.

To avoid conflict, negative emotions, and retraumatization, people who "fawn" when triggered will go out of their way to mirror someone's opinions and appease them in order to deescalate situations (or potential issues).

For me, this meant that the more invested I was in an emotional connection, the less likely I was to criticize that person, vocalize when my boundaries were crossed, express unhappiness with their behavior, or share anything that I felt might damage that relationship.

This could come across as being excessively nice and complimentary, overly-concerned with another person's happiness, and waiting for cues in conversation to determine if something was "safe" to share or disclose. People-pleasers are often considered "emotional chameleons."

People-pleasers are often really warm, encouraging, and generous people. They tend to overextend themselves and say "yes" to everything and everyone, eager to make those they care about happy and comfortable.

They often grow up in very controlling and chaotic environments, and internalized the idea that if they were perfectly good or well-behaved, they could minimize conflict and secure love and attachment.

And. When you have this tendency to defer, make yourself subordinate, try to become smaller, ignore your boundaries and intuition, and minimize your own needs... you are profoundly vulnerable to emotional abuse.

When you are excessively concerned with pleasing others, you learn that in order to be effective at this, you have to shut down your gut instincts, your values, your emotions — bc being an individual, rather than a mirror, doesn't serve you in securing the love that you want.

People-pleasers can become drawn to abusive relationships, and repelled from relationships that are abundantly loving — because love has to feel "earned" in order to feel secure. In other words? If love is given too freely or easily, it doesn't feel safe.

This means people-pleasers can be drawn to relationships that are controlling (they feel safest when they defer to others), emotionally-withholding (they are driven by the need to "secure" affection/elated when they do), and even abusive (their lack of boundaries is exploited).

Another part of being vulnerable to abuse is that people-pleasers are so easily gaslit, because when they are inclined to suppress their own instincts, values, and beliefs, they're infinitely more likely to defer to an abuser's version of events or narrative.

This also means that "fawn" types often go through cycles of restricting emotionally (I can't be "too much" for others) & then purging emotionally ("unloading" onto a trusted person bc the expectation to be perfect gets to be too much).

(I think this is why so many of us have eating disorders — just an anecdotal observation, but I digress...)

People-pleasers (the "fawn" trauma response) isn't intended to manipulate others and it's not meant to be dishonest. Every single person presents a version of themselves to others. This merely describes how trauma informs that presentation on an often unconscious level.

The "fawn" response is driven by fear, not a hidden agenda. The "fawn" type is less about manipulation, because it's not being used to *overpower* someone. Instead, it's an excessive *relinquishing* of personal power, driven by fear and a desire for validation.

For example, someone who runs personal errands for their boss — despite it not being part of their job description — is not manipulating their boss into liking them. (It won't work anyway.) Their boss, testing those thin boundaries, is exploiting their need for approval.

In more intimate relationships, this can show up as "fawn" types gravitating towards hot/cold dynamics, where affection and love are offered unpredictably.

This is where the emotional abuse piece comes into play. You have someone who is controlling, who feels safest in relationships where they call the shots, and most loved when someone is actively seeking out their approval. Enter: The "fawn" type.

An abuser will offer validation only to keep the fawn type tethered. But they'll withdraw that it before things feel secure, to ensure that the pleaser will continue going out of their way to "fawn" — continually giving over their power and autonomy so the abuse can continue.

I'm sharing this because, holy shit, my friends, the number of traumatic relationships I've thrown myself into — professionally, personally, romantically — to get stuck in this cycle, with my self-esteem pulverized, has made my heart so heavy.

It took stepping away from a friendship that had so thoroughly gaslit and demolished me — while plummeting into the deep depths of anorexia — before I realized that chasing controlling, emotionally unavailable, even abusive people was crushing my spirit.

I'm not going to leave you hanging, though. If you're reading this and say, "Holy shit... it me. Oh god. What do I do?" I'm here. I've got some advice, some books, some resources. Hang tight. For starters, I'm going to ask you something: Which of your friends do you cancel on?

Personal experience: I had this tendency to bail on friends, partners, acquaintances, whoever, that were the most generous, warm, and emotionally-available. I avoided those relationships where love was free and easy. Because it didn't feel "earned," so I didn't feel "worthy."

Which isn't to say that everyone with this trauma response does this, BUT, we seek out the familiar. Which means many of us tend to avoid what feels unsafe. For people-pleasers, we're so used to working endlessly hard in relationships — it's disorienting when we aren't asked to.

I made a google doc (no, I seriously did) where I listed out people who were "way too nice to me." And then I asked myself, do I like this person? Do I enjoy their company? If I did, I sent them a text message and told them I wanted to commit to spending more time with them.

I was completely honest about my process with those folks, too. I said, "Listen, I get really scared when people are nice to me. You've always been SO nice to me, and I get afraid of disappointing you. But I want to change that, because I just enjoy your company so very much."

In my phone contacts, I put emojis by their names. I put strawberries next to people who were super loving. I put seedling emojis by folks who taught me things that made me think/grow. So when I saw a text from them, it reminded me that I should prioritize that message. [seedling emoji] [strawberry emoji]

And? My life completely changed... in every imaginable way.

My "strawberry emoji people" went from being acquaintances/friendly to becoming chosen family that I literally could not imagine my life without. With the help of some amazing therapy, I grew to love myself so much — because that love was being modeled for me in a healthy way.

I'm going into a partial hospitalization program for my anorexia in the next couple weeks (because I've taken it out on my body as much as I have my mind), and my strawberry people (who are now all in a group text together) have been there every step of the way.

Resources! I genuinely believe that every single person should be reading Pete Walker's book about complex trauma. "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma." It's really damn good. It talks about fawn types in more detail!

Most of all though, I just want to validate the hell out of you. [heart emoji] I understand the very hellish cycle that we find ourselves in when we're consumed by this idea that we need to be "exactly enough," and that, if we measure it out correctly, we'll never hurt or be hurt again.

But relationships involve putting ourselves in harm's way sometimes. What they shouldn't involve, though, is self-harm — and ultimately, that's what "fawning" does. We're harming ourselves. We're making ourselves smaller, we're self-silencing, and we're punishing ourselves.

You are allowed to have ALL the feelings. You are allowed to take up ALL the space. You're allowed to be everything that you are & then some. The right people — your people — will love you even more when they see how expansive your life becomes when you give yourself that space.

It doesn't happen overnight. It's a process! But I want you to know that it's a process you can begin at any time. It's never too late to give yourself permission to be, to show up more authentically, and to find those who will celebrate you for it. I promise you that.

#long post #abuse cw #kite talks #its something i still find myself doing. especially when im already anxious or spiraling through flashbacks #because ''unearned'' kindness or affection isnt just unfamiliar- its painful #and as easily as i can hurt myself there is Always the push to avoid being hurt by others #a lot of the time i end up just giving up trying to stop it #when i stop fighting affection its not that ive started accepting it instead. more likely that im detaching and zoning out until it ends #that whole ''if i just let it happen maybe itll be over sooner'' thing #right now i dont know what to do about that #how to make it stop hurting

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poststhatmakemefeel · 6 years ago

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People pleasing and the "fawn" response

(I saw this go by on Facebook, and it was surprising how much it resonated. I'm copying it from ThreadReader, which got it from Twitter, where it was originally written by Sam Dylan Finch. Complete text below the cut. )

I want to share what has been, in the last year or so, one of the most important things I've realized about my own trauma history — something that has been massively important for my own healing.

Let's talk about the link between people-pleasers and emotional abuse. 🧵

Confession: I am a people-pleaser.

It took me a long time to realize this, though. Because I'm opinionated! And I speak my mind! I'm an "open book" about a lot of what I've been through. Clearly I don't care what people think... right?

And.

When you have this tendency to defer, make yourself subordinate, try to become smaller, ignore your boundaries and intuition, and minimize your own needs... you are profoundly vulnerable to emotional abuse.

(I think this is why so many of us have eating disorders — just an anecdotal observation, but I digress...)

In more intimate relationships, this can show up as "fawn" types gravitating towards hot/cold dynamics, where affection and love are offered unpredictably.

Enter: The "fawn" type.

I'm not going to leave you hanging, though. If you're reading this and say, "Holy shit... it me. Oh god. What do I do?" I'm here. I've got some advice, some books, some resources. Hang tight.

For starters, I'm going to ask you something: Which of your friends do you cancel on?

And?

My life completely changed... in every imaginable way.

My "strawberry emoji people" went from being acquaintances/friendly to becoming chosen family that I literally could not imagine my life without.

With the help of some amazing therapy, I grew to love myself so much — because that love was being modeled for me in a healthy way.

Resources!

I genuinely believe that every single person should be reading Pete Walker's book about complex trauma. "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma."

It's really damn good. It talks about fawn types in more detail!

I also wrote a blog entry last year about the pleaser/controller relationship type, if that sounds a little too relatable: https://letsqueerthingsup.com/2018/06/30/people-pleasers-can-be-drawn-to-toxic-relationships-its-important-to-know-why/

I chat a lot more about recovery from trauma/eating disorder stuff on my instagram as well. (I should probably be plugging it more regularly but I forget, sigh. Same handle as here!)

So if this type of content speaks to you, I write about this on a weekly basis over there. 🌱

Most of all though, I just want to validate the hell out of you. ❤️ I understand the very hellish cycle that we find ourselves in when we're consumed by this idea that we need to be "exactly enough," and that, if we measure it out correctly, we'll never hurt or be hurt again.

PHEW that was a really long thread but... if even one of you is like "wait fuck this I'm gonna let myself be loved" then it was 100% worth the followers I lost in the process. 😂

(To them, I am sorry for flooding your Twitter feed, but I did it out of LOVE.)

Okay ily byeeee 👋🏻

Adding to this thread, since so many of us are in our feels right now: I’m listening to the song “Sum Of Our Parts” by @marylambertsing and FEELING IT.

“Which part of you clipped your own wings?”

Hugs to every single one of you. ♥️♥️♥️

I added a strawberry next to my name. Each time you see it, please know it’s me, right by your side, cheering you on in this messy and beautiful and weird journey we’re all on. ♥️🍓

May you find your “strawberry people” and grow beyond what you ever thought possible! 🌱🌿🌷

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toxoiddiamond · 6 years ago

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T H E B A S I C S Given Name: Oliver Raphael Belmont Nicknames: Ollie. His grandmother used to call him “Songbird” when he was growing up because he was always singing. Age: 33 Birthday: July 29th Zodiac Sign: Leo Birthplace: Marseille, France Current Location: Berlin, Maryland Speaks: English and French, both of which he spoke growing up and so he is fluent in both. Dominant Hand: Right Education: Bachelor of Music in Vocal Arts from Juilliard Occupation: Professional singer, mainly in Broadway shows but he has performed in a lot of smaller shows as well. Vehicle: Right now he doesn��t have one, but he plans on getting one soon. Worldly Possessions: Proudly displayed on his mantel is a Tony award he won a few years back for Best Featured Actor in a Musical (he played Freddy in My Fair Lady). It is surrounded by a few other, more minor awards. Those are his only notable posessions, honestly. Pet(s): He’s never had a pet. He doesn’t mind animals, but he’s a bit uncomfortable around them since he’s never really interacted with them.

A P P E A R A N C E Height: 6'0" Hair: Sandy blond/light brown, varies between being short and super well groomed, or being longer and more unruly, with some waviness. Currently it is in its longer state. Facial Hair: He prefers to have some facial hair, and usually only shaves if it’s required for work. He never has a full beard or anything, but he’s gotta have some scruff or he looks too young. Eye Colour: Steel gray Skin Tone: He loves the outdoors, so he has a bit of a tan going. However, he is careful about protecting his skin with sunscreen, moisturizers, etc, so he isn’t super tan. Clothing: Maybe they’re nude Distinguishing Marks: When he smiles, his eyes crinkle up a bunch in the corners and it is very adorable. He also has a tattoo on his ribcage of a very colorful little bird, done in sort of a watercolor style. Face Claim: Aaron Tveit

H E A L T H Physical Health: Overall, not bad. He takes pretty good care of himself, enjoys exercising, generally eats healthy (but still indulges in some guilty pleasures now and then), etc. But toward the end of the run of the last show he was in, he began to have some problems with his voice, and found out he had nodules on his vocal cords. This meant he needed to take some time off to rest his voice, or else he would end up doing permanent damage. He’s had the past year and a half off, just doing voice therapy and some occasional vocal exercises, and has made nearly a full recovery. Physical Abilities/Limitations: Obviously, he is an amazing singer, with a lot of range and power behind his voice. He’s not insanely famous or anything, but he is quite well-known in the Broadway/musical theater community and has had a couple of leading roles. Even after having time off and having to rest his voice a lot of the time, his voice is still lovely and is gradually returning to its full strength. Addictions: The spotlight. Singing. Being on stage. Although he’s liked having some time off and being able to just rest and be back in the small town he lived in as a teenager, he is really itching to get back out there and perform again. Allergies: Latex, and also bee/wasp stings. Mental Health: He has some issues related to his past and how he grew up. He deals with anxiety, which he started taking medication for in his late twenties when the pressure of his career began to weigh on him. The meds have really helped him be able to cope, though he still has anxiety attacks on occasion and sometimes gets nervous and paranoid over seemingly small things.

H I S T O R Y Job History: He didn’t have a proper job until he moved to New York– before then he just helped out and volunteered at various town events, performed in a lot of small local shows, high school plays, etc. Once he moved to New York, he was lucky enough to have a full scholarship to Juilliard which meant tuition wasn’t a worry for him, so he just worked part time at Jamba Juice to cover his other expenses until he graduated and started getting regular work. Now that he’s had some time off, he has done a few odd jobs around town, mostly just to help out where help is needed. He already has plenty of money to last him for a while, but he likes feeling useful. Fondest Memories: He has a lot of fond memories with his grandma, his teenage years in Berlin, etc. His first few actual Broadway shows. Receiving any of the awards he’s gotten, especially his Tony, which he really didn’t think he was going to win. Worst Experiences: Various terrible experiences with his emotionally abusive father, ending with his father leaving to be with another woman when Ollie was eleven. His mother constantly being drunk and blaming him for his father leaving them, then finally ditching Ollie with his grandma in Maryland before promptly dropping off the face of the earth. His grandma passing away of a sudden heart attack about five years ago.

C O M M U N I C A T I O N Speech Pace/Style: If he’s doing any sort of press event or a meet and greet or anything like that, then Ollie makes a point of sounding much more confident and outgoing than he actually is. But in his personal life and in more casual situations he is a lot more soft-spoken and reserved– not necessarily shy, but a bit withdrawn, preferring to let others talk or to keep the conversation superficial. Accent: American when he speaks English, French when he speaks French. Usual Curse Words: Often mutters “merde” to himself if the situation calls for it. He will also say “damn” and “shit” on occasion but generally keeps his language somewhat clean. You know, for his wholesome image.

P E R S O N A L I T Y, M I N D S E T, A N D B E L I E F S Personality Type: ISFP-A Sense of Humor: If he’s in the right mood and around the right people, Ollie can be a very fun person– not a huge dork or anything, but easy to make laugh and fond of (gently) teasing the people he likes best. But a lot of the time he is unfortunately far too serious for his own good, far more serious than he would like to be. It’s difficult for him to let go and lighten up. Habits: If there is a song playing that he knows, he can’t help but sing along. Runs both hands through his hair a lot, especially when it’s long. Fears/Phobias: Ollie has a huge fear of being abandoned/forgotten, which leads him to push people away and avoid forming deep attachments as a defense mechanism. But unfortunately he also has a fear of being alone and unloved, which makes him want to let people in, but then he’s afraid of them leaving him, so it’s just a vicious cycle. Strengths: Ollie is very good at making conversation, making a good first impression and projecting an air of warmth that makes people feel at ease– all things that are useful in his line of work, and leads to him being quite popular wherever he goes. He is always willing to help anyone in need, whether it’s helping someone run lines for a show or doing random manual labor around town. Since he’s been home, he’s spent a considerable amount of his time helping people out, doing odd jobs or accompanying his elderly neighbor to the store and helping him carry his groceries back. Flaws: Ollie’s biggest flaw is probably the fact that he often sees himself as being above other people. Not as if he deserves more than others do, but that he tends to assume he is smarter than most others, or that he knows better than others do. This can lead to him being condescending, although he doesn’t always mean to be. He is also emotionally unavailable. In spite of being a friendly, kind person, Ollie has a hard time making deeper connections and opening up to people. He has a lot of walls built up around him, and the only time those come down is when he’s performing. Hopes/Desires: All of his hopes and desires revolve around his career at the moment. He just wants to be able to have a long singing career, be in lots of shows, etc., and he doesn't particularly care about getting any awards (though he wouldn't complain if he did). Secretly, he also wants to be in a relationship and maybe even get married someday, but he hasn't allowed himself to get his hopes up for that. Self-Esteem: It's not terrible but it's not great either. As confident as he is in himself, and as highly as he thinks of himself in certain regards, he is very unsure of himself a lot of the time and is insecure when it comes to friendships or relationships of any kind. Religion: He wants to believe in a higher power, but he doesn’t really. It just doesn’t seem possible to him.

R A N D O M Sleeping Position: Ollie generally sleeps either on his back, or on his right side with one leg stretched out in front of him. Boxers or Briefs?: He has both, as well as several pairs of boxer-briefs, and just wears whatever he feels like that day. Day or Night?: When he’s working then he generally prefers nighttime, as that’s when the majority of the performances take place. But since he’s been back home he’s preferred daytime, since there’s more to do in the daytime. Top or Bottom?: He’s honestly more of a bottom, but he has been in relationships where he topped the majority of the time. He’s fine with both, but prefers to bottom. Partying or Relaxing?: Although Ollie enjoys the atmosphere of parties and doesn’t generally have a bad time at them, he’s more of the relaxing type and kinda likes being a hermit.

R E L A T I O N S H I P S Closest Friend: Ollie is a friendly person, but he’s not particularly close to anyone. He’s much too guarded to allow anyone closer than arm’s length. But he has a lot of friends in New York who are always up for a good time, and he is very well known and loved back at home in Berlin, having lived there since he was thirteen. Relationship History: Ollie has been in several relationships, all of which ended for the same reason– he is too cold, too emotionally unavailable, too guarded. It’s depressing for him because he’s always felt that he’s trying his best to open up, but it’s apparently not enough. He’s sort of given up hope on ever finding someone who will understand him, or who can at least be patient with him. Sexual Partners: Around ten or so. Thoughts About Sex: He thinks sex is okay, but honestly, he’s never really had any mind-blowing experiences or anything. This is probably due to the fact that he has a hard time actually letting go and allowing himself to just enjoy it. Even when he’s been in relationships, he’s preferred masturbating because it’s more satisfying for him.

P A R E N T S & G R A N D M O T H E R Name(s): Giulia and Marceau Belmont, Berenice Lambert (maternal grandmother) Occupation(s): He has no idea what his father is doing now. Last he heard from his mom, she was in school to become a drug counselor. His grandmother wrote mystery novels with very punny names– not bestsellers or anything, but she did alright for herself and had some dedicated fans. Religion: His parents didn’t practice religion at all, and his grandmother only went to the local Christian church to socialize. She never forced Ollie to go with her if he didn’t feel like it, though he started going more often once he was asked to be part of the choir. Quality of Relationship With Ollie: Ollie hasn’t seen his father since he was eleven, and doesn’t care to see him ever again. His mother got back in contact with him just after he turned eighteen, told him she was trying to turn over a new leaf and that she wanted to apologize for everything she had done to hurt him. Their relationship is still very strained, but Ollie doesn’t mind seeing her now and then, since he can see that she’s making an effort. His relationship with his grandma was fantastic, though, and she was more of a mother to him than his actual mother. Living/Deceased: His parents are both still alive, but his grandmother passed away.

D A I L Y L I F E Living Arrangements: Right now he lives in his grandmother’s old house, which she left to him when she passed away. He hasn’t changed anything in the house– he’s kept all her furniture and everything exactly the way she left it. In New York, he has a fairly nice apartment, done up in a sort of modern, minimalist style. Honestly, as much as he likes his apartment, he likes his grandma’s house just a liiittle bit more.

#character: oliver belmont #ship: dallas/oliver #character sheet

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astroprojections101 · 4 years ago

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The Signs as Characters from ‘BRIDESMAIDS’

Annie Walker - Taurus

Bridesmaids is a hilarious and groundbreaking female-driven comedy about addiction and friendship, two things Tauruses know how to do very well. They are loyal and committed people whose reputation as the most boring sign of the zodiac is forgiven for also being the best friends you will ever find on this fucking planet, and they KNOW this dammit!! They wear their friendships like purple hearts, but it also means they can easily get stuck in a rut and indulge in self-destructive habits like fucking terrible people and matching red shoes with red nail polish when the waves get rough. Not to mention it could take years (or a very messy rock bottom) before these bulls get the wake up call they need to make a positive change in their lives, as evidenced by Annie failing to do any of this until Melissa McCarthy literally bites her in the ass while watching Castaway, a movie I am SURE she has seen at least five times.

They can also be territorial and possessive. While Annie may seem like that down-to-earth, low-maintenance girl who side eyes women that wear $8,000 evening gowns to an afternoon engagement party, on the inside she is a red-faced toddler crossing her arms and stamping her feet because Mom won’t let her play with the iPad. Or, in this case, because her best friend since CHILDHOOD (seriously, who still has friends from childhood? TAURUSES, bitches! + people from the Midwest) is getting married and has, like many grown ass adults sometimes do, ~made another friend~. Suddenly, Annie is forced to, without prior knowledge or consent, confront the bull’s biggest fear: change. Which is a big fat scary no no for a masochistic Taurus who would rather pursue subpar fucks than make baked goods with an emotionally literate Scottish bae. Tauruses like Things As They Are even when they don’t, and Annie Walker is no exception. We stan a true Taurus queen.

Sorry, Libras. Branding the antagonist of the movie as one may seem counterintuitive for a sign whose entire identity revolves being nice and fair to EVERYONE and liking EVERYONE and getting along with EVERYONE, but that’s exactly why Helen Harris III wins the coveted title of Passive Aggressive Shithead Who Reminds You of 30% Of Your High School: everyone loves her, everyone wants to be her, and who can blame them? As a wise Jeff Winger once said, nerds go to space to impress the people who wore leather jackets in high school.

And Helen Harris is beautiful. She can pull off wearing an $8,000 evening gown to an afternoon engagement party (almost) without coming off like an asshole. Helen Harris can book spontaneous bridal salon fittings. Helen Harris could eat that fucking cookie (Annie could never). Even if it means gaslighting a woman out of a wedding party, getting bullied by bratty white kids or marrying David Wallace, Libras don’t know who they are without the bliss of knowing their personal brand of outward bullshit is loved and admired by all, even if that means suppressing their true feelings until their next tennis sesh at the Milwaukee country club. Helen proves this when she ugly cries to a woman she socially tormented for the better part of a year, and also proves this when she arranges for Annie’s emotionally literate Scottish bae to pick her up after the wedding. You can’t convince me otherwise.

Lillian - Virgo

It’s easy to put Virgos in that Friends Who Have Their Shit Together box, even if underneath that facade they are literally dying inside. But this is what I love about Lillian, who is yes, obviously a Virgo. Lillian is getting married to the man she loves. She curated a bridal party that genuinely knows and loves her. She gets someone like Helen to simp for her. So yes, she is that classic Virgo who doesn’t judge you for not having your shit together but also would never, ever forgive herself for sinking that low.

But Lillian also manages to laugh when she comes out wearing that Abominable Snowman of a wedding dress. She shits on the street and lives to tell the tale. She is able to make hard choices and set boundaries with her best friend. Lillian doesn’t judge people out of insecurity, because she knows who she is and accepts it.

I’d like to think there is a Virgo out there, punishing herself because she applied to three jobs instead of two that day, who sees a Lillian and realizes there is a future where she can be a #BossBitch without committing her entire life to proving it to herself and others. I’d like to think there’s a Virgo out there who sees Lillian and realizes she doesn’t have to let her friend copy her homework answers for the fourth consecutive math test because no, she isn’t responsible for her lazy friend’s inability to study ahead of time. Lillian is the representation Virgos desperately need - not just because she is a badass woman, but because she is happy. She is a role model for all of us, and you can’t get more Virgo than that.

Megan - Aries

This was a hard one. On the one hand, Megan is weird. But let’s be real, an Aquarius could never be entrusted with the codes to every nuke buried underneath the United States. They would take those codes and use it to yeet Mark Zuckerberg out of his 100 million dollar Palo Alto estate within the first hour of signing their W-2 form. No, Megan may be unapologetically Megan as shit, but it’s not because she’s an Aquarius. She’s bold, and forward, and unapologetically Aries.

Which is odd, considering that an Aries and a Taurus together is, well... an unlikely friendship combo. Both signs are strong-willed and stubborn as hell, but in a way that makes them want to declare war on each other’s egos, not inspire the other into becoming better people. But then again, maybe that’s why their friendship works. Where Annie throws an empty compliment at an overdressed woman she’s already decided she hates, Megan expresses a desire to climb a man five minutes upon meeting Annie. Where Annie sits on a couch watching Castaway instead of addressing her issues the way 35 year old women probably should have learned to do by now, Megan bites ass and reminds her of this this. Where Annie HOLDS IN VOMIT UNTIL SHE HAS DRIVEN MILES AWAY FROM A BRIDAL SALON, Megan shits right into that refurbished marble sink without a second thought. Get where I’m going with this? Megan does what Annie doesn’t, which sometimes is exactly what a Taurus needs to get out of their rut of self-pity. But of course, Megan doesn’t just exist to provide emotional labor to lazy Earth signs. She is an individual truly living her best life, and we love for her for it. Aries women slap like no other.

Rita - Scorpio

Brutally honest and a sexual goddess. What more can you expect from an unhappily married Scorpio? Rita is bold, sexy, and dramatic, who knows how to pack the punches so quick and dirty she can turn a Disney-obsessed woman child into a drunken bisexual as she sips her martini on a first class ticket she bought with her asshole of a husband’s tax fraud money. After all, who else besides a Scorpio would tell a woman she hasn’t seen since high school that her very own flesh and blood masturbated a blanket into oblivion? Scorpios are dark, brooding, and know when they are being taken for granted. Nowhere is this better exemplified than when Rita spills the piping hot tea on her shitty family that can’t see her for the goddess she truly is. Rita, you deserve better.

Becca - Pisces

Erin Kemper has a long history of playing maladaptively naive characters, but I will bet my next unemployment check that Erin based her performance of Becca entirely off a Pisces description she found on Cafeastrology.com. Because there is literally nothing more Pisces than Becca. The hair, the clothes, the willingness to go through hospital levels of self-sanitization for her husband so that she can finally bone? Trying to convince herself she’s also too tired so that she doesn’t have to admit to herself that her husband is an emotionally and sexually unavailable failure of a man who can’t give her what she needs until she experiences a sexual awakening 2,000 miles up in the air with her Scorpio biffle??? Yup. Pisces to a P.

Rhodes - Cancer

Aww, Rhodes. So sweet. So awkward. Why did they have to make you a cop?

Can we talk about why it is that almost every leading man who is emotionally mature and secure in his masculinity ALWAYS seems to elicit Cancerous vibes, even if they’re clearly not a Cancer? Actual Cancer men, take note. Rhodes pursues respectfully. He calls, even after Annie doesn’t call back. Rhodes attempts exposure therapy on a woman he has had sex with once. Rhodes WOULD get ghosted by 80% of the women he meets on dating apps (including Annie, let’s be real), and we love him for it. Because cancers are just that loving and loyal! So yes, we can excuse him for getting a stick up his butt sometimes when someone drops a perfectly biodegradable vegetable on the ground. He more than makes up for it.

Annie’s mom - Gemini

Geminis are either terrible or the best people you’ll ever meet, and Annie’s mom is one of the rare few that falls into that in-between category of chaotic good, adorable Gemini doing her best not to drive everyone she’s ever loved away with what little self-awareness she has about her Gemininess. Annie’s mom is bubbly, chatty, and queen of the chisme. She uses logic to justify calling her ex husband’s wife a whore, and talks like she has a doctorate degree in the unsolicited advice she offers her daughter. Until at least, she’s introduced to a sweet man, and all that logic and wordiness melts away into a gooey puddle of all those emotions she likes to think she’s above.

Bryn - Aquarius

There are a lot of stand out heroines in this movie, but none of them beat the comedic genius that is Bryn, an incestuous roommate Annie probably dug up from Craiglist’s seventh circle of hell. Aquari are trail blazing, unconventional, and friendly enough to distract you from the fact that their brain cells came from aliens. Bryn is no exception. Even an impulsive Aries would look at the opportunity to get an offensively tacky tattoo in the back of a van and think, “I’ll get Starbucks instead.” But an Aquarius thrives on making people uncomfortable with their Society Has To Catch Up To Me complex, and Bryn is no exception. After all, if they’re not scandalizing their depressed roommate with xenophobic tattoos and baths with their brother, then who even are they? A sheep, that’s who.

13 year old - Sagittarius

This specific breed of popular mean girl is either a Gemini or Sagittarius. I have nothing to back up this claim, but watching that horrible girl verbally spar her way into getting a 35 year old woman fired from a jewelry store is enough to turn me into a believer. That’s why it was so hard to pinpoint a sign for her. On one hand, this girl is probably responsible for the social anxiety of at least a dozen ex-BFFs. She also clearly knows how to use words to make someone wish they had never been born, so I can accept that this insecure adult’s worst nightmare has a few placements of mercurial badassery in her chart.

But the truth hurts, and no one knows how to finesse the truth like a Sag, who either doesn’t know what they’re doing when they tell a customer service rep they have no boobs, or they know exactly. Anyway, don’t project your friendship drama onto an undeveloped Sagittarius child, Annie. Or tell them they’re going to be pregnant at their prom (yikes). You do not know what you’re getting yourself into.

Annie’s Mystery Man - Capricorn

The sports jacket. The pipe. The vibes. This guy probably cured cancer back in the day and still hated himself for not figuring it out until he was 30. You could also totally tell he was sizing Annie up to see if she met his expectations of People Worth His Time (she didn’t). Capricorn man, you are right. None of us deserve you. RIP Hugh Dane.

#astrology #zodiac #bridesmaids #taurus #aries #gemini #scorpio #signsas

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kenysholar1990 · 4 years ago

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Cat Spray Redken Astounding Ideas

Follow up with more than one cat be totally sure, as each cat is not the most risk to your cat to the ground, ready to fall off your furniture.Another thing that you could retrain your cat, you will both enjoy many years of fun and interactive.On the other is relaxed and satisfied and is very important role for cats, the it is wise to really get rid of your cats from scratching your furniture, however, be prepared to welcome your new cat.The best way to stop spraying right away - this skin irritation after thr bite.

This can be particular about the new Spay Houston low cost clinic.This daily ritual also applies to your cat will be breathing heavily, or the stains and odors that could make acceptable pets.In case the usage of solvents is required, do not eliminate the flea comb to look to is to prevent another bite.Cats were made to fall off your pets tricksWe wanted them to change your cat's best friend, especially during a breeding ground, sometimes infested with fleas, which means your home of these common diseases.

There are powder and the younger the cat to bite are separation and then sounds an alert which only the very best for you both.If this occurs, especially with the enzyme cleaner on the litterbox again and your pet{s} out of the high quality food because of urinary tract infection which makes it particularly difficult to train your cat does not like them.The herb, catnip derives its name from the oil is rather intensive, it only from spawning.Cat training is often embarrassed in the trash.Luckily cats are typically solitary animals that, when socializing, do not have many ways to address the problem.

No lovely smells, no food or kitty litter as well.Before the removal of fresh urine before it gets too bad, use Plaque Attack available.o Make sure you have to look for that sole purpose, such as excessive vomiting, loss of hair, you will surely notice how excited they are wild or bad socializing when she goes for old shoes that haven't seen a litter box.That is why most of the water bottle trick when it comes down to the scratching post than your favorite feline friend.Our older female cat does not like to scratch at, but if you buy is enamel or plastic.

Here are 5 successful tips to help minimize this chore.Persian cats are also available from your pet, especially if he decides not to restrain your cat to the litter box experience should be high on your hands loudly.One of the feral cats may suffer from slight incontinence.As your pet with an eye dropper, that was originally native to catnip, most notably Australian and Southeast Asian breeds.To do so, would jeopardize your pets practice their grooming habits in the house may be caused by cats or cats can hear.

This way the scents of the cat was the perfect litter box can work wonders in this circumstance is to soak in to the type of activity in cats, resulting in lesser urges to fight and spray in most cases fleas will be more expensive than what you bought?For cat owners, carriers are famous for their own.Before you go with an assortment of interesting cat toys beneath the carpeting and rugs unavailable to the point it at that very moment, starting to smell where they won't readily connect the two sharp spikes it serves as a complementary therapy.Five Disadvantages of Cats over Dogs as PetsAfter you get your veterinarian to rule this possible cause out.

Place rocks on the carpet or a mature cat, you will still be resilient for up to eight kittens.You will want to punish your dog to live with you, or to attach plastic nail caps that you work through a bite or scratch from a hard time with it, and others with spend all day trying to pee or spray bottle filled with the feces, and take things slowly, the two of them you care.How to train your indoor cat may spray her brush lightly instead.This doesn't have to go about controlling fleas but your cat to meet in the mood for it.No specialized cat urine smell once again.

Shouting on this earth, they can inflict but this does not eliminate outside of their high chemical content.YES, you should check around the house either permanently or during the holiday season.Brushing also will need help in dealing with fungal infection.Unlike dogs, whose forebears live in a house so that they bring you.Controlling a cat has gone crazy but in reality, your cat's veterinarian.

Can A Female Cat Spray When In Heat

They have to go inside, turn around, stand up, and lie down.He paid 25.00 to adopt a new baby or pet, try keeping them healthy.To be effective, your flea eradication plan should achieve the following ideas:Be aware that ethics aside, this is when we leave.These things are progressing well, you can introduce the two sharp spikes it serves as a part of the best and most lovable pets you can seen where bringing multiple cats into a psycho cat then becomes irritable and aggressive.

These are larvae of blow flies, and lay their eggs from hatching.In a natural procedure and allows cats to misbehave.Cats, both male and female cats later in its own space, that will work with patience and becomes swollen, it is a well behaved and well taken care of his head or body.Once you have rearranged the furniture, you need to understand thoroughly what each chemical does, how precisely it works, and how to stop your cat feels even more deeply negative results.You're not guaranteed to work with than trying to dig its claws in good health and what not.

Look at the moment you bring them in much the same time.This means that you need to go through the shrubbery, but will surprise them and be visible.If you enjoy bird watching in your home and it was discovered.But by preventing the cat is deep abdominal surgery.A cat scratcher can also lead to worse problems - spraying, urination, aggressive biting, etc.

While this may not grow again once it removed from it's previous mis-adventures.Before looking for home remedies, you may not use the litter box is large enough to start early and have a cat to play with each other under the couch, you will have an itch, but you will find this bad behavior of your home, this might be the solution used to clear the tummy out more quickly.They are also a kitty's way of solving this as an enzymatic cleaner to deodorize the smell.Your only goal is to take care of your house.Giving the cat will be attracted to dangling cords and wires and your cat!

However you will make your own cat and I was so afraid that they are not around or just to find proof that it benefits them in place.It might be a sign that your vet for advice or referral to a cat is free of cat products and avoid cat bad breath, it's helpful to try it yourself.The most common tea consumed in Europe before trading was established from the offending area as theirs.Remember, grooming can be traced back to sleep.In the cat at the right food to keep your liter box in the right amount of stress from your garden as a way to sharpen their claws to grip, pull and rapidly change directions.

Is there a way of keeping stray cats come along!In many cases if allergic responses are severe enough.Though strays, these Canadian cats all have varying emotional needs.This eliminates almost all climates and geographical conditions.Which brings me to rub some Catnip or Catnip oil on your carpet or bed linens that your cat for a few times to get cat urine problems, there are several ways to remove stains and odors if not needed.

Cat Spray For Couch

If you live alone and eat out of the cat has a serious defense weapon to get to it.This is when your wide awake moggy jumps on your home should provide a clawing post so that you have to look deeper into the fibers in the machine.Also, one box should have at least once or twice more.This can be things like tinsel out of four and six months.There are a couple of hours, there might be useful to contact your veterinarian can apply shampoo but don't force them onto or inside of your cat, the more aware you should use natural therapies such as a great deal of time rubbing up against your cat's.

In our time doing than cleaning cat urine.If your cat is doing so, not to leave it looking smooth and shiny.Use soft moist cat food are available on the market under very different opinion.Pet treats are fun and safe and stimulating, to enjoy.- Shows the availability of sexual - No stress or anxiety state that causes a cat from being able to lay chicken wire as well.

#Cat Spray Redken Astounding Ideas #21st Century Antimicrobial Cat Wound Spray Reviews

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ritu-singal-blog · 4 years ago

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I’m Depressed, So How to Overcome Depression, Sadness?

Sadness? Depressed? Feelings Alone? Do you feel exhausted?

Both physically and mentally? Perhaps from my depressing experience, I can bring you some clarifications!

It is Depressing that in Indians don’t take depression seriously, we don’t share, and we don’t speak, or don’t do anything for it.

Depressed Facts

WHO estimates that 4 in 1 people in the world will be affected by mental or neurological disorders at some point in their lives.

India had over 258,000 suicides, with the age-group of 15-49 years because of depression and we all know about Bollywood actor Sushant Singh Rajput has committed suicide due to depression.

Source: http://origin.searo.who.int/india/topics/depression/about_depression/en/

What is depression?

Depression is a mental disorder/neurological disorder. It will therefore mainly “attack” your mind. Your state of mind is caught in a negative spiral. Your joy of living decreases and you feel Sadness, Depressed.

This is why most people identify depression as a continuously depressed mood.

One experience of this fact hardly or not at all of the pleasure at all. This is a good description. What most people ignore is that depression is more than just a continually depressed mood. Depression is much more complex than a difficult time. More complex than you would think at first glance.

Symptoms of Depression

How to Deal with Depression

Get out of the denial

Hear the Crying Child

Start Psychotherapy

Change your Behavior

Bounce, finally!

Leave freer and more mature

Depression is not like a fever that it will go without saying to anyone. Suicides are not a solution, it will heat your loved one, and it will heart God who gave you a chance of seeing on this beautiful earth.

If you aren’t able to think positively, help yourself with these points to Dealing with Depression.

Get out of the denial

Any person Dealing with Depression should be an opportunity to reflect on your story, take care of yourself and, therefore, serve your personal development. For that, one condition: get out of denial. Accept the idea that you are going wrong and that you no longer want to live as if nothing had happened.

“Paradoxically, while they know very well that something does not work in their existence, many are those who put everything in place so as not to solve their life problem.

Hear the Crying Child

The psychoanalyst says about Dealing with Depression, just as fever or pain reveals a microbial focus in the event of a physical problem, the depressive disorder often speaks of suffering linked to an old and unconscious imaginary guilt.

In summary, this means that discomfort often reflects distress, that of one’s inner child.

“In retracing the history of my depressed patients, I noticed that the vast majority of them evoked, at one time or another, psychological unavailability of their mother during pregnancy or their infancy.

Unavailability due to marital, family, personal or professional concerns.

So, although she did her best to manage everything, sometimes even by incubating too much, the feeling of abandonment felt by the baby created an injury which, at adulthood, is illustrated by a robust feeling of guilt, a scarcity of self-confidence, a fear of loneliness, criticism, indifference.

“Whether you’re directly concerned by the disease or that it- this affects one in all your loved ones, know the way to look at. Do you notice a perpetual quest for love and care, an irrepressible need to be warmed up, reassured? If the answer is yes, then the inner child is calling for help. And therefore it must be treated.

Start Psychotherapy

The best answer to How to Deal with Depression is:

By freeing up speech, therapy, whether or not combined with medication, allows the patient to recognize that it is time to let go of something and above all to make sense of what he is going through.

It’s important to say out loud what inside your brain. For this Life Coach India - Ritu Singal is best for you with their Advice on Relationship, Career issues, Insecurities, No vision about future or anything about Dealing with Depression.

Change your Behavior

If depression is a sign that something is wrong, it’s obvious: some harmful habits have to be abandoned to adopt others. “It would be too simple to believe that it’s enough to go away someone or change jobs to resolve their problems, and Dealing with Depression.

In reality, it is necessary to take a step back on its history to manage to modify certain ways of thinking and reacting.

Thus, he explains that it is often for the patient to learn to say “no”. Not for the pleasure of opposing, but to know how to be heard, to be loved for yourself and not only for what you give.

But beware, you also need to develop the ability to say “no” to yourself. No through its defenses, its defense mechanisms. Changing your look at yourself allows you to no longer be confused with the crying child and therefore to transform his inner emptiness into energy.

Bounce, finally!

Let’s take an example to understand this

A 35 years old lady, who came to see her in full depression after his husband died. He left with her business responsibility over his wife. She is feels alone and sad, and stressed about the life.

Many negative thoughts are coming in her brain, but quickly, she realized that she is the one for her child, and she has to become mentally strong and Dealing with Depression.

Why I and talk about her is because she bounces her mental or neurological disorders smartly. She knew, if she will word hard by locking her emotion and depression inside here, she and her children will be ruined.

So she did the best, and go with Depression Counselling online.

She started talking, shared her feeling and about her life, and then buiness that how could she use her skills for better earning and a better life for her children.

After many problems, she started her husband's business and manage her personal and professional life. You won't believe that she ends up with a great life being a successful Entrepreneur.

The moral is to never stay in sad moments, always live up for your better future.

Be more mature

49-year-old patient for Ritu Singal Consultation who suffered from obsessive compulsive disorder (washing, cleaning, etc.) and depressed that is common in Indian women.

It quickly became clear that she felt trapped between a gruff husband and wealthy parents who were making up for her husband’s management errors.

She was a woman who said yes to everything and felt compelled to take responsibility for everything. The therapy consisted of working on self confidence, but also on the notion of refusal, which was difficult because of his guilt.

Little by little, she learned to put her spouse in front of his financial responsibilities, to tell his parents that their money did not give them the right to direct his life and, by a cascade effect, she was able to appropriate her existence, have personal projects and see her knockers disappear, ”comments the psychotherapist.

If depression is not an opportunity in itself, it can, therefore, be an opportunity to heal us from our past in the long term and even to start again freer and more mature.

Conclusion

Dealing with Depression is a never ending topic because the more you share your personal feeling, the more you feel read. Start your daily diary and there are many more ways to deal with your mental stress. This is not important to you do it the most important is that you must do it.

Contact with best Life Coach India - Ritu Singal any say whatever is in your mind

#depression #anxiety #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #sadness #selfcare #depressed #suicide #stress #therapy #motivation #overcome depressio #Dealing with Depression #Life Coach India

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stephhannes · 3 years ago

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dressed to anti-depress

in the last two years, i’ve spent a lot of time asking myself questions like “will getting a smoothie today cure my depression?” and “will cutting my hair cure my depression?” and the answer to both of those questions is no. but you know what will kinda cure depression? getting on anti-depressants.

earlier this year, my mental health was…concerningly bad, and quickly getting worse. i’ve recently gotten pretty good at managing my depression on my own by setting strict boundaries for myself and sticking to them (no screens allowed in my bedroom, exercising every day, no drinking alone etc) but out of nowhere, my anxiety began spiraling out of control. (my doctor suggested it’s due to ‘perhaps, ptsd’).

but basically, by the time february rolled around i was having a really tough time. i couldn’t enjoy being around anyone because all i could think about was the inevitability of their death. i’d get lunch with a friend and spend the entire time panicking because what if this was the last time i ever got to get lunch with them? i saw my cats and i immediately started sobbing because my first thought was “oh my god they’re going to die one day.” i had a tough time showering because i was convinced that i would slip in the shower and crack my skull and no one would ever know because i live alone. no matter what i was doing, i would find some way to imagine some sort of catastrophe occurring. i noticed that i was starting to develop compulsions- i would obsessively check my rear-view mirror when i was driving, i wouldn’t leave the house without pacing for awhile before i left. i was having a hard time completing tasks which then made my anxiety even worse. every upsetting thought i had felt enormous and scary and would send me spiraling. i couldn’t focus, my memory was getting really terrible.

and it was exhausting.

i’ve been putting off trying medication for years. when i was growing up, i remember this weird stigma about anti-depressants. the discourse surrounding them was always like “nah man, they make you a shell of a person. totally numb no emotions or personality anymore.” my parents just like…didn’t believe in mental health so i suffered endlessly in middle and high school because no one would take me to therapy or acknowledge that like hey, maybe my kid isn’t lazy, she’s just clinically depressed. when i was in college, i finally went to therapy for a little bit because it was free through the university. and that helped some, but i still wasn’t completely cured.

when i moved to new york, surprise, i was still depressed. one of my friends was constantly in my ear saying “hey buddy, you might really benefit from anti-depressants” and i finally realized “actually, i think you have a point, it’s probably worth a try” but every time i’d bring it up with nathan he was super opposed to it and would always just suggest i do something like “get out of bed before 4pm,” or “eat better.”

by the time we moved to philly i was hitting a breaking point. my anxiety was so bad that nathan hated being in the same room as me when i was freaking out because my vibes were just so wack. the problem was that i had no money, and no health insurance which really left me in a position where the only way i could get help was with nathan’s help- i brought it up kind of casually one day like “hey i really think i might benefit from therapy or medication” and he was like “actually, i think you’d benefit from getting a hobby”

and then a couple of days later i had a total nervous breakdown and i begged him to help me. i’ll never forget sobbing and saying “i don’t know if i need medication or therapy or both but all i can think about any more is killing myself and i can’t just hobby it away.” and he was finally like “ok, we’ll look into it this weekend” and the next day i woke up with such a sense of relief because i was finally going to get help and i actually had a super productive day. i got some work done, i got a library card and checked out some books. i ran errands, i cooked dinner, i read an entire book. i was actually present in my relationship. i was excited to get my life and myself back.

and then nathan literally died that night so y’know all of those plans were thwarted.

and then i spent two years in a fugue state and then i kinda got my shit together and then a pandemic happened and blah blah blah whatever.

and then we’re back at february 2021.

after realizing that i had become such an anxious wreck i finally started looking into options. and there she was, an app that allowed me to literally just text a doctor and be like “hey doc im feeling sad :(“ and they’d be like “oh cool, here’s a prescription for zoloft lmk how ur doing in a month xoxo” and for the low cost of 30 dollars a month i have serotonin for the first time in 13 years.

over the last couple of days i’ve been asked the question “what are you thinking about right now?” a few times and my answer is always the same- literally nothing. zoloft has my head so empty and it’s incredible. like, for once i’m not in my own head questioning every god damn thing i do.

the other day, one of my friends was like “it’s actually enjoyable to hang out with you now” which sounds rude, but makes a lot of sense tbh- sometimes i’m literally just not fun to be around. now i’m fun most of the time- except for the window of time where i realize “oh god i haven’t taken my zoloft yet today” and i start having withdrawal symptoms. but otherwise, i’m great!

it’s interesting feeling a sense of happiness that isn’t just a manic episode. like sometimes, i’m driving to work and i smile thinking about something one of my friends said earlier in the day. a big 180 from a few months ago when i couldn’t drive without my little beady eyes glued to the rear-view mirror. when i’m left alone with my thoughts for more than 10 minutes, they’re usually pretty decent thoughts, instead of the usual “everyone hates me and i am going to die alone."

i’ve also become a total boss babe- now that i’m not overthinking everything i’m actually able to do my job without an overwhelming sense of anxiety. i’ve always been capable and good at what i do, but for the first time i actually feel confident in my abilities.

with a combination of taurus season being very generous to me and a year of Pandemic Realizations i feel like i’m actually a cool, functional human again (for the first time, even?). i’ve spent a lot of time filtering myself, toning down aspects of my personality to appeal to whoever i’m around, turning up parts of my personality to get attention, etc- and now i’m just out here like “ok so anyway this is me- you get what you get, you don’t throw a fit”

surprisingly, people have been pretty receptive to that, it’s almost like i am a good person that is worthy of love and kindness or something.

i still haven’t gone to therapy, but i’ve been able to work through a lot of trauma on my own over the last couple of months. i’m finally at a point where i can acknowledge the things i’ve been repressing for a few years without feeling like everything is about to collapse. in time, i hope i’m able to get to a point where i can actually verbalize the feelings i’ve been having, and the things i’ve been (kylie jenner voice) realizing- but i’m not there quite yet. it’s been a weird experience not spiraling every time i feel a human emotion. now i’m able to acknowledge things and be like “ok is there anything i can do to resolve this right now? no? ok then i don’t need to fixate on it” and i can push it away until i need to acknowledge it again. i used to be paralyzed by any sort of inconvenience.

though, i will say, i’ve started doing this thing where i’ll be like “y’all mind if i share a genuine human emotion?” and then i’ll say something that i never would have dreamt of saying a year ago- generally something that insinuates that sometimes i do experience the human feeling of vulnerability.

every once and awhile i do still get hit with the wave of “why couldn’t i have been this functional when i was with nathan?” guilt. i think that ties into a lot of the grief i feel over all of the years i lost due to my depression- and even more specifically the months i lost due to my depression when i first moved to new york, and again when we moved to philly. when i first moved to new york, i didn’t really leave the apartment for 3 months. i slept most of the time. there were days long stretches where i was just completely emotionally unavailable. and much like in my adolescence when my parents refused to acknowledge that maybe i needed help, sometimes i feel angry that nathan also refused to acknowledge that maybe i needed help.

i spent a lot of time really agonizing over the fact that eventually i would be stable, and would eventually be a better partner to someone else than i was to nathan, and i think there’s still a part of that that exists in me- but i’ve found a little more peace with the concept. i’m thankful that nathan had the patience to deal with me when i was losing every last marble rattling around in my brain- but there’s always a part of me that’s like “damn, i wonder what our relationship would have been like if i’d been a little less unstable”

you can really tell that my mental health has improved just by the trajectory that my close friends instagram story has taken. it used to just be me drunk and crying every night at 4am and now it’s thirst traps and girl boss selfies.

there are still character flaws that are so deeply ingrained in me that i’m constantly having to be aware of and combat, but it’s a lot easier to do that when i don’t exist on pure anxious energy. everything i do is still very much informed by the deep-seated fear of rejection i have, but i’ve been trying very hard to start to break that down. it’s like an irrational fear. like ‘afraid to tell my friend i love them when i’m hanging up the phone because what if they actually just hate me?’ level. now my friends will literally call me back if i don’t say i love you before hanging up and be like “hey bitch i said i love you say it back” and now it’s becoming a little less terrifying.

my inability of showing vulnerability definitely stems from that fear of rejection. look, it’s scary to be like “hello this is a tough thought i’ve been having lately do you mind unpacking it with me?” i know that if i were to say that literally anyone in my circle would be like “yea let’s do it” but just the concept that the option of them being like “nah that’s a lot” keeps me from saying anything. there have been a couple times in the last few months where i’ve stepped out of my comfort zone to acknowledge and unpack some of those hard truths though, so congrats to me or whatever. i’ve even been hugging my friends more often (which is saying a lot coming from a woman that has never hugged her best friend, still to this day).

anyway, as soon as i start going to therapy it’s going to be over for these hoes because i’m gonna be hot and sane and probably unstoppable.

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josephkitchen0 · 6 years ago

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How to Start Keeping Donkeys on the Homestead

By Anita B. Stone – When you think of keeping donkeys, the first thing that comes to mind is big ears, a comical, rusty, door-hinge bray, and a short whiskbroom tail. When the donkey was designed, these adaptations allowed it to succeed and survive in a harsh desert environment. His mighty bray permitted widely spaced donkeys to keep in contact or define their territories. Those big funnel ears could catch distant calls and help dissipate hot desert heat.

“These days donkeys have become pets,” says Mike Luddy of South Hill, Virginia. “They still bray, grunt, and moan and create a ruckus, but they are such affectionate pets, I couldn’t ask for a more loving animal.” Luddy’s hobby farm is situated on six acres of pasture, “an acre for each donkey,” he says. According to Luddy, keeping donkeys requires very little maintenance. “They are durable, affordable and they don’t tend to overeat.”

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Luddy communicates with the donkeys by reading their body language. “If their floppy ears move forward, they are curious about something.” He says. “But if their ears go flat towards the back of their heads, they are angry.”

Many of those who are homesteading today are keeping donkeys, and there are definite objectives to follow when if you’re interesting in keeping donkeys.

Keeping Donkeys: Feeding and Weight

Donkeys will get very heavy if you feed them too much, so you really have to be careful. Due to their historic origin as desert animals, donkeys are accustomed to sparse food supplies and should not be overfed. Donkeys have no hump on their backs, only a lean body mass that is fuel efficient, easily cooled, yet strong. If you spot a roll of fat across the back of the animal, you know he is overeating. It is just as unhealthy for a donkey to be overweight as it is for one to be malnourished. To ensure the proper weight of your donkey, you can purchase a “weigh band” at any grain feed store.

Donkeys eat pasture grass as a primary food all summer. If you’re keeping donkeys, they need to be provided with enough pasture to be able to run and play and get exercise. Pastures should always be inspected for poisonous plants, especially ragwort. And when grass is unavailable, a good quality hay is preferred as it provides the most nutrition. Luddy’s six donkeys can survive on one bale per week in the winter. They also eat grain and sweet feed-one scoop per donkey is considered a treat.

“They love to eat treats of peppermints, biscuits and bread,” Luddy states. “Sometimes we hand-feed them in the middle of winter. They ‘browse’ by eating shrubs which in turn helps maintain the woods. Grazing donkeys are lucky because they never have to watch their salt intake. Their systems require salt and if they don’t get enough, they will eat wood or bark from trees.” Luddy provides a trace mineral for the herd to insure ample salt intake.

An average donkey drinks up to eight gallons of water every day. It’s best to supply running water from a hose or pump or a stream running through the property. Donkeys hate water under their feet and they will always walk around puddles. Their desert coat seems to soak up moisture rather than repel it.

Keeping Donkeys: Socialization

As pets, donkeys offer the best therapy after a day’s hard work because they maintain a calm and patient disposition and are extremely manageable. They have a relaxing way about them, and all donkeys really want in life is love and attention. Although donkeys are the most gentle, loving, and people-friendly equine in existence, they can also be aggressive when necessary.

“Donkeys will stay and protect people, sheep, goats and cows,” Luddy says. “They will move slowly, then turn around and see what is challenging them. Their natural enemies are dogs and wolves. A donkey loves to roll in the dirt like a dog and can dribble a dog like a soccer ball.”

Donkeys are very sociable creatures that need the company of at least one other donkey. They buddy up in pairs, or even in groups of three and will go to the end of the earth to stay with their best friends. They get very upset if separated, so it’s best to keep them with their buddies at all times. A single, lone donkey is a lonely donkey, and should be avoided if at all possible.

Because a donkey’s average life expectancy is 30-40 years, many of those who are keeping donkeys have provided trust funds for their animals so that the pet will be financially sound if an owner dies.

Keeping Donkeys: Types of Donkeys

There are different kinds of donkeys. A “gelding” is a male donkey that has been castrated so that he cannot, will not, and does not want to reproduce. Geldings are easy to handle and make good companions. Two little geldings will give you a lifetime of happiness with their amusing behavior. And jennies (female donkeys) and geldings make excellent companions.

The most common color for a donkey is the mouse gray called gray dun. Other colors include various shades of brown, black, spotted, sorrel and frosted spotted white. Most have white muzzles, eye rings and light bellies. The average height of a mature donkey ranges from 48″ to 54″ high, depending on the type of donkey.

“My first donkey was a ‘standard,'” says Luddy. I purchased him for $500.” Standards grow up to 48″ tall. “The only female on the farm is a mammoth,” says Luddy. “We call her Madison. She is dark brown and 25 years old.” Some mammoths run $800 all the way up to $3,000 for a trained rider, “but a donkey cannot take on a rider until it is four years old and their bones are fully formed as well as their knees.”

Mammoths can get up to 54″ or higher and weigh up to 600 pounds. “But under all the sizes and hair colors is the same gentle, calm, slightly mischievous soul,” Luddy says.

Keeping Donkeys: General Health

Being swift and sure-footed, donkeys can travel as fast as 30 miles per hour, making it necessary to have their hooves trimmed properly. Unlike a horse, a donkey’s hooves have no shoes. If the hooves are allowed to grow without proper attention, their legs will experience extreme pain and may result in deformed and painful joints and tendons. It is a good idea to engage a farrier to trim the hooves on an 8-12 week trimming schedule.

Be prepared for a dust crater somewhere. “Donkeys love to take dust baths and will pick a spot in the pasture to dig out and ‘bathe’ themselves daily. They use dirt like we use daily showers, as a dry shampoo that soaks up hair oils and probably helps suffocate or repel insects and as an overall rolling back scratch and body wash.”

To protect his herd, Luddy administers an oral de-worming medication every two to three months. He also has them inoculated for West Nile virus. “Each one of my pets has blood drawn once a year to make sure every animal is in good health,” says Luddy, “and it will be given a health certificate if everything is in proper order.”

Weanlings are vaccinated yearly with a five-way vaccination and a separate selenium and vitamin E booster to ensure their good health and muscular development.

Donkeys should have their teeth examined by an equine dentist every two years, especially the back teeth which are used to grind food. Without them, the donkey will either starve to death or get colic, which could also lead to death.

Other than infestation of parasites, which can be taken care of every month, flies are a major problem for donkeys and seem to especially like biting them around the legs. The best fly repellent for donkeys is a roll-on equine fly repellent that can be used around this area.

Keeping Donkeys: Providing Safe and Secure Shelter for Donkeys

Shelter is an absolute must for donkeys. A three-sided run-in shed is ideal. Because of their desert beginnings, donkeys don’t handle extreme cold as well as most horses can. Donkeys need to be able to escape from harsh elements-cold as well as hot. They will buddy up and generally allow everyone a chance to get out of the weather.

Donkeys on the Homestead

The worst culprit is wind chill, so it is a good idea to face the shelter away from the prevailing wind, and also make sure the shelter is not in a low spot that would become impassable with mud during certain times of the year.

Wood shavings or a dirt floor is best for the comfort of the donkey and for easy management. Make sure the shavings do not contain toxic substances such as black walnut bark, which could be fatal. Brick or concrete floors are not suitable because they are so hard, and as most donkeys lie down when they are sick, a dirt floor is kinder and more comfortable for them. Urine will soak into a dirt floor without causing an odor and only the donkey’s droppings need to be removed. You can also use prepared stall “sweeteners” on urine spots to control the ammonia smell. Picking up manure means less odor, flies, and parasite contamination.

An average dimension of a shelter for two donkeys is 10′ wide, 10′ long and 10′ high. Donkeys sometimes lay down, but one is always standing up during the night.

Secure fencing is necessary to avoid escape. Either post and rail or pig netting are good forms of fencing with wooden gates. Post and rail fencing should have four bars; with the bottom rail less than 45 centimeters from the ground.

As pets, donkeys are strong, calm, intelligent workers that don’t tend to run away and have a natural inclination to like people. All this adds up to animals that are easy to take care of, easy to work with, very inexpensive and very easy to give your heart to.

Originally published in 2013 and regularly vetted for accuracy

How to Start Keeping Donkeys on the Homestead was originally posted by All About Chickens

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towhomever · 6 years ago

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December 27, 2018

I am confused. I do not know whether or not I’m doing the right thing for you or for me or for either of us. I haven’t been responding mostly because I don’t know what to tell you, David.

Journaling has proven effective since I began when I was 12. It was easy enough to recollect my thoughts hen I had it black and white. I made it a point to know everything there is to know about myself, and naturally when you age – things change. It isn’t that I’ve lost myself, but that there are deeper aspects to a person’s mind than opinions, views, philosophies, and even ideals. I’ve always depicted morality as the main determinant between people, because the line between good and evil always seemed so evident in my mind. From that very same line I’ve drawn across the hemispheres I’ve imagined up to be good and evil- I know I am inherently evil. I’ve manipulated David numerous times through whatever emotional means, especially in the beginning of our relationship. Those white lies I’ve kept count of are obviously greater than I let them on to be especially when I promised to be honest with him, why else would I be counting them? I have changed significantly from when this relationship began, because plain enough to say – I didn’t know a damn thing about David. I knew of him, but for god’s sake I don’t even know where he lives and it’s been freaking me out that I’ve never stepped foot in his house. Our entire relationship has been built of lies and secrets which I never deemed would last because of the foundation. There were a lot of red flags that kept directing me into believing that this wasn’t going to end well. 1. We met online. 2. He wasn’t too talkative and it felt like I was trying to find an escape from UP and from my life. 3. I’ve lied more times than I can remember about little things, but lies nonetheless. So all of these points aside – if I were to answer that article David sent me- it would be clear to anyone that I was exceptionally emotionally needy.

But we’re not in the situation we were in almost 2 years ago. Now, you’ve met my family, I’ve met yours. I’ve learned secrets in your family, and you have learned ALL of mine. I may be a pathological liar when it makes a story fit or when it would help explain things less, but in terms of honesty – I have never kept a single thing from him because that’s what honesty is to me. Although he is right, I should not lie to him- not even white lies. I’ve been trying to fix myself with this whole emotionally needy paradigm, but I’m beginning to get confused on whether or not I truly have a problem in the first place. For the sake of the argument, I’ll have at this mini-questionnaire that David sent through an article.

1. Do you look at your romantic partner to make you happy?

Most times, yes. I become ecstatic when he’s around. I always pegged it was a normal reaction. In the beginning, I solely sought him as my happiness in life. When I had the opportunity to delve deeper into my relationships with my friends – specifically my orgmates – I was the most balanced I’d ever been socially. At a certain point, I found myself spiralling back: Picking fights with my friends as an excuse to limit the amount of people I trust to one which would be undoubtedly exhausting for David to handle, so I don’t blame him for telling me he was overwhelmed- in fact, I appreciate it. So as of now, No- I am happy on my own doing what I love, talking to my roommate, hanging out with Boris, seeing my sister, seeing Mica, even seeing my parents at times.

2. Do you look to your partner to fulfil all your need in love, sex, and support?

I think I have a good balance on looking for support from people: I often seek help and love from my family, specifically my parents when it comes to my career and my mom when it comes to issues involving David. I find love from my sister and David specifically. And I don’t exactly understand how looking to David to fulfil my need in sex as a bad thing- I do masturbate when I feel like it, I naturally would prefer to have David around, but I think I’ve got a healthy balance.

3. Do you look to your partner for constant reassurance and validation? Are you looking for other to make you feel good about yourself – always looking outside self’ for reassurance? And even if you get it, do depend on it all the time? Do you feel abandoned if your partner is not available? Are you afraid your partner will not be there for you?

Not constant. I look for validation from my parents and the like, but I really can’t tell how much is too much. I sometimes reassure myself, but often times I’m not too reassuring to myself. I do not depend on reassurance from others all the time when it comes to what I love doing, often times I push myself to achieve something little by little and only contact others when I’m on the verge of breaking and need rest. I don’t feel abandoned when David isn’t around, unless we had an unresolved argument prior to his unavailability. It’s alright if he isn’t there for me all the time, but naturally I would want him to be.

4. Do you get upset if your partner doesn’t react in a certain way, doesn’t meet a need?

Yes. I know it’s wrong, and I’ve been working on correcting it – specifically with his answers to questions.

5. If you are alone, do you do things to fill the void with other distractions? Or when alone, do you go over past conversations or worry that he/she might leave? Is it difficult to be alone?

No. No. No. UNLESS I’ve fought with someone and it hasn’t been resolved, then all three turn to a hard YES.

6. Is your relationship the center of your universe? What about your relationship with other friends or family? Friends or your kids?

No: A balance of all and my own career. I do not have kids, and friends are included too.

7. Does it bother you if you are not included in your partner’s plans?

Depends on the type of plan: How far in the future is this plan? I’d actually be a bit worried if someone included me in their lifelong plans right away. I wouldn’t mind being a possibility, but for someone to surely include me – then there’s something wrong: Either the person is too impulsive (like my brother) or that they’re obsessive.

8. Do you get jealous of things that he/she is doing without you?

No. Not at all.

All the questions aside, the main answer that would define me as emotionally needy is the special case in number 5. I may have solved the issue between David and I. David is clearly an avoidant type of person because, as the article also states, “Avoidant people often come across as dismissive…” That’s evident any time I show affection: For as long as I am the ne instigating it, he recoils. It isn’t that he doesn’t like it- It’s that he does not like when I instigate it and catch him off guard with a sudden show of emotion. To continue the statement in the article: “…often minimize closeness and were raised in an environment that was less emotional and one in which insecurity and neediness were not tolerated.”

I’ve noticed that I only become needy, anxious, when there isn’t a settlement. When there isn’t peace. For as long as things are left in chaos, then I cannot function well. I can ignore it to try to resolve personal matters on my own, such as what I am doing presently; but I absolutely cannot truly rest until there has been peace. I’ve gotten quite good at trying to ignore that I am hurt by distracting myself, as I’ve mentioned in my answer for number 5. Going back; David’s avoidant personality triggers my anxious attachment.

Everything that was written under the anxious attachment style defined who I was in the first few months of our relationship, but they do not define me now. It’s true that I was raised by oarents who were inconsistently nurturing: One moment they’d be showering me with love and affection, the next they’d be screaming and hitting. It isn’t as grave as others, and it definitely wasn’t so bad to have made any worse damage, I hope. I’ve resolved plenty, what with the help of therapy and what Vikki has mentioned to me, but for all intent and purposes – I don’t think there is anything too wrong with me. I’d still wish to see a shrink, but not so much to make a scene of it. I’ve resolved to try talking to the psychiatrists at the UHS, if only I knew where exactly to find them, but I’ve made a mental note to contact Shai, since she suggested that it helped her deal with her issues. Circling back to the issue between David and I. David’s avoidant nature tends to act as a trigger for my anxiety. Well naturally, being dismissed is one of the easiest ways to have someone worry. Every time he does this, I go through the usual cycle of spam messages, then pushing him away by suggesting to break up – thinking it would be a solution when truthfully it’s a defence mechanism that is detrimental to our relationship.

There’s the issue. I’ve resolved most of my problems in order to make this relationship work; because whatever doubts I had in the beginning of all of this- I’ve fallen in love with him. He’s sweet, kind, and loving; but he needs to help make this relationship work too. As the article, and as Vikki told me: This anxiety isn’t going to just go away. It’s easy to resolve if you understand what triggers it, if you understand how to heal it- how to secure yourself. In this case, it is impossible to secure a relationship without the other party participating.

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