#I get so exhausted sitting and reading
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I need to make a point of saying that contrary to popular belief, I do not read. I do not enjoy reading, I hate being asked to read things, reading is exhausting and a chore. I like to write just for the sake of writing. The act of writing itself gives me so much gratification just to be able to do it!
But if I saw this bitch in the wild at 300k+ words I would never fucking touch it LMAOO doesn't matter HOW good it is man that's way too fucking long
what the fuck was I THINKING LMAO THIS SHIT IS INSANE I WOULD NEVER READ THIS
Not saying I think MM is bad or not worth the read. I certainly think it is! But for like, you know, people who like to read. Not me LOL glad some of y'all literally will sit and re-read this shit regularly though. Y'all juggernauts for that
It's not even like I write topics that I don't enjoy. I certainly enjoy them, otherwise I wouldn't be writing them. But I like writing them, not reading them. But that's not exclusive to topics, I just don't read anything in general
#how the fuck do y'all sit still that long#I get so exhausted sitting and reading#This is why I don't even reread my own work man#do I risk grammar errors and flow issues? absolutely#but would I rather drink bleach than go back and edit my work? 100%#listen I'll write until I die#I'd love to know if there's anybody else out there that's like me#hates to read loves to write#where my chronic writers at#chronic writer needs to be paired with chronic reader I swear to god I'll constantly feed them for a crumb of affection#just don't ask me to read shit#I need a fucking editor bad lol#my hobbies? writing and drawing#that's kind of it really I don't do anything else
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Good Morning, World.
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#jiang yanli#jiang cheng#'Good Morning World' because to wwx the jiang household is what grounds him. It is his burrow and blanket.#The familiar soup and banter is his home. The familiar arguments and tension are also his home.#Notice how quickly he throws LWJ to the side once he has JC back in reach! 'He was so boring; I wish *you* were there!'#WWX is very quick to constantly remind himself that he fits within a very specific power structure and role.#He pushes boundaries but almost always only the boundaries that he knows he can push against.#Sitting here now and realizing that if WWX did take life more seriously and act more diligent he would totally usurp JC.#Because the contrast with Them (tm) is wwx is the one that gets in trouble and JC is the one that sticks to the rules.#That responsible appearance especially in contrast is the thin line that holds JC's self-esteem together.#And lets be fully honest. From JC's perspective the last week was also extremely intense and stressful.#It truly was a feat to travel so far so fast despite also being exhausted. Never knowing if it is all in vain.#JC said with his actions 'I would move mountains for you and dig through stone with my bare hands if it meant reaching you.'#and WWX said '[read]'#It's about wwx chronically asking 'why would someone care for me? I'm always tool to be used' than accepting that people love him.
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this is somewhat of a vent post & something i said i would not do again but has been plaguing me enough that i think getting it out might feel better. so. has anydoggy else been. Baffled and upset by nora sakavic’s refusal to speak on how terribly aftg has treated its characters of color? with the author of the series coming back with a new book and starting up on her online activity again, and questions of what she’d change about aftg bubbling up, it’s particularly glaring to me that we are all playing this very long game of pretend where we ignore how badly the non-white cast has been treated & her lack of thoughts on it
and i understand not wanting to bring up nicky and thea because people pick on her for it. i’m not trying to discredit nora sakavic’s terrible history of getting harrassed online by aftg fans. but i think it is very cynical, and it is very juvenile, and most of all very cruel, that she gets to ignore the very real ways the books have set up these characters to be hated. i think it’s obvious why the characters who get the most hate are the only canonical characters of color, and i think we do not get to treat this like a deliberate decision on the fandom’s part when the books have put these same characters in degrading and embarrassing and terrible positions in the first place. aftg is not a story about nice characters with clean pasts, but there is a very specific nastiness to the only characters of color being a brown man who sexually harasses and later assaults the main character, a black woman whose only scene is her lashing out at her love interest after being ignored for the first two books, and the japanese villain who gets maybe two lines of complexity before he goes back to being a terrible person. the white cast, in comparison, while not at all free from flaws, are never shown to commit mindless evil; all of their actions are ultimately justified. the book goes out of its way to give them concession after concession. we know exactly who to side with, because aftg tells us who these people are. does nicky’s assault ever get addressed in the books? does riko’s reasoning to be the way that he is ever gets more than briefly aluded to? is thea reserved even a shred of humanity or grace in her one scene?
anyway. it’s been years of talking about this and the fandom has been constantly hostile to criticism in this regard, and more recently any criticism at all, and it’s Grating to be on the other side of this discussion. it’s exhausting to know that in ten years we do not get even an acknowledgment besides the author saying she will not answer questions about nicky and thea anymore. it’s upsetting and it’s ugly and i wish no one had to talk about this again, but we do because what i thought was common sense has been washed away by a sudden influx of no-nuance adoration for the trilogy. basically i hope we all explode
#this has been so upsetting to notice but 🥹whatever#there is a different kind of bitterness to thinking about how ten years have passed#and we are getting new content that changes and maybe even rectifies many of the ways we see and interact w aftg#and none of it not a bit of it addresses the racism#how it’s been ten years and the only thing we really get to show it is a book about a ship between two white men the fandom came up with#after seeing them be Suggested to interact in canon#i understand not wanting to hurt nora sakavics feelings by asking her about this#but imagine how tired we are. Imagine how tired we are#do you know how bad it feels to read through nicky’s worst moments in aftg#and know that he was written this way because he looks like me?#do you understand how exhausting it all is. can you imagine?#the fandom has been so quick to undo the criticism fans of colors have been making since day one#and for what. for what! my doves. for what?#have we come out of it any greater? have we done anything but lie to ourselves?#and anyway this is not some mindless pessimism#this is not me telling you that aftg is bad and you cant love it; cant have it mean anything to you#this is me saying that when we acknowledge these things it makes us better readers and better people#nora sakavic if you are reading this from whatever hellhole america you find yourself in#grabs you by the shoulders. This is not the end#this is not something to sit back and feel bad about#you have opened the floodgates of hell with tsc. kick the door in and release a revised version of aftg#there is a real material way for you to make this better. it is possible and it will not kill you#i would read a revised aftg. my mutuals would. many many many many fans would#making mistakes is not just a human right its a human inevitability#but we do not have to let ourselves get defined by them. We can do hard things#lets go of nora sakavics shoulders. anyway. where were we#aftg#txt#tsc
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"surprise i have feelings and you just hurt them" is so good
Thank you anon-dearest! 🥰🥰🥰
As I was given free reign, and also was too unreasonable for self control—I didn't only write it way longer than it should have been (250w per prompt LOL) I also fully rewritten in afterwards :')
Obikin || 1,500w || Obi-Wan & Anakin formed a new Force Bond and Obi-Wan has to deal with an increase in Force Migraines poor man
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“Surprise, I have feelings and you just hurt them.” Anakin spits the words out angrily, punctuating each word with a sharp hand gesture.
There’s heat rolling off of him in waves, it’s a tangible thing in the Force to anyone who is even mildly attuned to it. Even small living organisms would try and stir clear from someone so prominent in the force while they’re emitting such waves of emotions. It’s unsettling to all who is untrained, unable to recognize where and why the thing they are sensing is coming from. To someone who had even just begun their training, this would be a deafening roar. As for Obi-Wan, who had happened to share a somewhat-training-but-not-bond with said individual…. It’s destructively overwhelming.
There’s a pulsing migraine building up at Obi-Wan’s temples, swiftly spreading in pulses of pain through his forehead and head, blearing his vision in a way that is usually reserved to extreme battle fatigue. Obi-Wan’s patience is not only thinned out, but fully gone by this point. The pain, and the previously failed mission do not help. Anakin’s need to prove himself had cost them an important battle and speaking of Anakin’s feelings is truly not the thing they should be concerned most with—
“I think it’s hardly a surprise Anakin” he hears himself say more than he actually thinks through the words, he hardly manages to care as much as he probably should given how violate Anakin anyways is. “You are, more than less, hammering them against the minds of anyone unfortunate enough to be within the standard hour distance from us.”
Anakin’s mouth snaps open, there’s blotchy redness across his cheeks, he seems to not find the words to describe precisely how angry Obi-Wan’s word just made him. Silencing Anakin would be a feat to be commended on a normal day, if only that was true for his Force Signature as well. A fresh wave of emotions crush against his battered shields, straining them beyond their capacity.
The moment he feels the first crack run through, is the same moment they collapse completely.
Anger, hurt, betrayal, and…
Obi-Wan’s mind is momentarily blinded by the whirlpool of emotions washing over and sucking his own mind in. There’s too much of it, all at once, all different. The indignant anger, the vulnerable hurt, the deep sense of being abandoned and uncared for, the—
Obi-Wan whimpers silently. It’s a sharp exhale more than anything, yet it’s more than enough to alert Anakin. He might have found it endearing, how quickly Anakin’s attention had shifted from himself to him, if not for the crushing wave of new emotions, even more absolute in their intensity.
Worry, anxiety, fear, anger, confusion, fear, worry—
Obi-Wan feels like he might lose his mind within them.
“Stop,” he snaps at same time as Anakin had reached out for him. The boy pulls his hand away as if hit. Obi-Wan should care for this, care for how he feels more than how he himself feels at the moment….
Hurt, confusion, anger, hurt— anxiety, fear— fear—
Anakin’s emotions spiral into a deeper, more violent vortex of darkness, a never ending cycle, one emotion swallowing the tail of its predecessor, being reborn into the next one, each time bigger, stronger.
Oh Force. Obi-Wan thinks in desperation.This is too much.
“Master?��� Anakin’s Force Signature is dripping fear, there’s an urgency to it that centers Obi-Wan enough to realize, with great shame, that his own pain started bleeding through their not-quite-training-bond— or…Force Bond, if he was honest enough. Call a Bantha a Bantha.
“Master, what is wrong, why are you…?” he reaches for him again, stopping quickly and retrieving his hand away. Anakin opening and closing his fist draws Obi-Wan’s attention. He looks like he’s about to blow up, and that, Obi-Wan knows, is something that would certainly echo even louder in the Force.
“Anakin please,” he reaches out to him, despite the inherent risk of touch increasing the intensity of the Bond. He must balance the boy long enough to give himself the opportunity to gather his shields into anything resembling those of a Jedi Master. That, or leave. He is not pained enough to be that cruel. Doesn’t ever plan to be. He braces himself instead.
“Dear One,” his knuckles touch Anakin’s cheek briefly, the word of endearment is strained, forced to some degree. It’s the one that never fails to get a reaction, uncover a meeker, more gentle side of Anakin. “You are deafening me” he gives the Bond a light, barely there nudge.
Anakin jumps at that as if zapped. Eyes wide, his face shifts through a number of complex thoughts, faster than what could register or broadcast emotionally through the Bond.
Suddenly, the storm is gone. What Anakin calls shields and Obi-Wan chides as only a suggestion of such is now a durasteel tight and not leaking anywhere. The silence that follows is deafening in its own right. He has to muffle the groan of relief, not wanting to rile Anakin again
“Thank you.” Obi-Wan smiles, pained. He knows that the migraine will only worsen now that it was set off, he still can appreciate not being radiated by a small sun through it, though.
“Excellent shielding, Padawan.” He sounds sarcastic even to his ears, even though he doesn’t mean to be. Anakin doesn’t react to it, looking more troubled than angry now, a deep crease between his eyebrows.
“I’m…” Anakin bite his lower lip, still fuller than most despite him well and truly out of his teenage years. Obi-Wan should not be noticing those things. “I didn’t mean to…” his cheeks are darker now, he looks ashamed. The aftertaste of Anakin’s emotion’s linger in Obi-Wan’s mind. Guilt. The last clear emotion Obi-Wan managed to decipher. Guilt for hurting him.
“I know.” Obi-Wan says curtly, he hopes that not unkindly. “I’d appreciate it if we could discuss the matter when I’m a little less…” he gestures at himself with what he hopes is the appropriate amount of self deprecation. There’s many reasons for Anakin’s lack of control, not all are good, but he still is a knight, still is learning.
There’s not a single good excuse for his own lack of mastery of himself.
“Obi-Wan, the Bond—” Anakin starts, disregarding Obi-Wan’s request in favor of what to his mind, is no bound far more urgent. The Bond. It had taken months for Obi-Wan to notice, the budding start of something new, growing in a different place than the long severed training Bond, developing over the months spent on joint missions on this endless war.
It seems that, as Obi-Wan had suspected, Anakin had managed to miss it out entirely.
“Not now, Anakin.” Obi-Wan’s voice sharpens, he should feel more guilt for the way Anakin’s shoulders jump up and tense.
“Fine, whatever…” Anakin mutters, looking away, glancing back and then away again. “Feel better.” He says with more hesitation than such a simple wish should warrant for. This time, Obi-Wan feels the full extent of guilt. He was too strict with him, those past few months were strained beyond what either one of them had wanted. He needs to speak with him, properly, make amends, properly.
Not now though, not while his head is splitting into two and his Force Signature is shaking after Anakin ground it so relentlessly. Knowing that Anakin didn’t mean to, doesn’t change the reality of things, his Force Signature can be downright oppressive if left unchecked. It’s not so felt when he himself is in the state for proper shields, however the repeated missions, the lack of sleep and the loss of the recent planet… were factors that are hard to ignore.
He needs to rest. He needs to meditate. Then he’ll be fine.
Obi-Wan refuses to acknowledge, even now, that what would bring the most immediate relief would be severing the Bond. Today showcased just how dangerous it is, how out of control it is, how out of Obi-Wan’s control it is. It all makes sense, any one following logic would have done it. A bond developed without their conscious choice in the matter, one that is not appreciate for Jedi to have.
The only thing that makes sense, is to end it. Yet this is the only thing that Obi-Wan will not do, is unwilling to do. He will not severe another Bond with Anakin. The consequences of the first time still too fresh in his own mind. Both for their relationship and…himself.
“Thank you, Anakin.” he says politely, hoping that he looks more collected than what he feels like. He refuses to think of this further for today. Giving Anakin the barest of hand waves, he turns and walks off.
He needs to rest. He needs to meditate. Then, he’ll be fine…
#I am dizzy with exhaustion I've been up and about for sooo long wow segthbr I am collapsing that's it.#This was both proof-read and rewritten at the very same time while I am bleary with tiredness so like you know -laughs-#obikin#obikin fic#obi wan kenobi#anakin skywalker#anakin#obi wan#star wars#buns.w#buns.all#Anonymous#msg#Thank you everyone for sending prompts! I couldn't get to everything— this write in was already like... 8 hours long LMAO.#I hope that maybe sometime soon there will be an opportunity to sit down again and unpack the rest :)#yes i did rewrite a line when i noticed that the end result had 1498 words.... yes i have....#the repeat of thought in the end is on purpose though had to say that lmao that one thing is not tiredness
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Oh ok. I get now why a lot of people didn't vibe with the ending.
All and all: excellent manga, overall very good final act, too rushed final 2-3 chapters but weak and honestly mediocre epilogue, which makes the high of the ending kind of leave a bitter taste. I think Noda had a good steed and suddenly he had to finish and had to rush all. So the ending in the sense of the final arc was good but the ending proper (final couple chapters) + epilogue......... Not so much
#i liked rhe ending (though made the mistake to read comments so now I'm like 'yeah you are right that did not make sense' when on my own i#probably would not have noticed. but ok. I'll work my suspension of disbelief. HOWEVER the epilogue WAS indeed very lackluster#i get it's an epilogue but it was so rushed. we barely get a closure for ume and saichi and tanigaki did not get to#take asirpa back to uci as he should have (though he was instrumental for that). overall it was super rushed#like we did not even see how Sugimoto was rescued. the epilogue was faaaar too rushed tbh and also too vague in parts#siraishi not really saying goodbye.... also sugimoto and asirpa living together that's cute idc and i think the line into nastyness was not#crossed but oh boy is it a thin thread... i still choose to believe they are platonic soulmates lol but i want to see an official#translation of the volume that's all i say. what else... oh yes. the way the gold never got to actually be distributed doesn't sit right#with me at all but the worst part was definitely the sugimoto/ume thing oh god that was BAD#we did get to see osoma which was cute#OH AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON VASILY??? We didn't even see him. the epoligue for him in particular was great though but his ending was not#like he just hanged around ogata gor chapters and chapters on end and we don't even get a glimpse of him during the final showdown??#tbh i think noda wanted to do something more with him but realized he did not quite fit into the story and in the end got#caught up with all the main lines he did have to close and he obviously had planned and probably combined with his own exhaustion well#did not go nice for vasily! i also would have liked a more proper epilogue for tsukishima and koito. they deserved it#I don't like how pre-epilogue the tsukishima-tsurumi-koito tension seems to reach a breaking point only to kind of not get resolved because#they have to keep fighting lol.#laura reads#also i get the sentiment of the ending regarding the ainu and i think noda did his best but it seems like a rather soft thing for asirpa to#do like... sure. museums and stuff. i GET it but it goes a little too soft in the actual colonialism that went on from the japanese. i feel#noda starts off fairly critical of that but in the end softens his stance which is a shame but ok. the bar is in hell so this is actually#much better than average from what i can personally gather of my little knowledge#golden kamuy#gk spoilers
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no I understand, tbh I kinda wish that’s how my special interests work but no they just are Always There even if there’s no active content,,, and I appreciate you saying you won’t abandon it, it’s genuinely kinda upsetting whenever authors do just quit a story without finishing it or at least explaining where they wanted it to go (like don’t get me wrong I understand losing interest but imo if you’ve gotten people invested u kinda owe it to em to give closure)
You had me till the end where I need to remind you I don’t owe anyone anything??? No matter how invested you get I don’t charge for any thing I put on the internet cause I write mostly gay fanfiction for copyrighted properties and do this because it’s fun and I want to share. CDAP if far from my first fic or au to get attention and I am aware of the people who want it to continue. I’ve been in and likely will be in the same boat again but never have I ever had the audacity to think the author or artist owes me more of their work just because I was invested.
I have and will delete fics I’ve written at a moments notice for reason more petty than i just felt like it. I make the habit of keeping up or reposting old work just to track my growth, fandom trends and as a curtesy to those who may want to go back and read it. I have literally thought of deleting it for asks just like this because it’s extremely upsetting to me to have people try to compliment sandwich me with “I love your fic and understand the burnout/lack of interest… but I want to read more so like get over it it’s not fair :/“ CONSTANTLY. Like I don’t clearly have other interests I mention or post about and maybe trying to hound me into focusing on only one may actually make me stray farther from it? If I don’t share anything about it ever again that’s my choice. I don’t need to give an outline for anyone to visualize or the ending.
Never ever try to tell anyone that shares their craft in a fandom that they owe anyone anything not paid for. Like I get the frustration, I really do but this is not the way to go about it. I continuously said on this newer blog and my old one that I would continue the fic when my interest in UTDR came back and gave the vague estimate that would be whenever new official stuff came out for it. It’s not concrete but that was my answer and it’s only changed because you’ve made me certain that I won’t be working on it in the foreseeable future, thank you for the help with the realization 🤟🏾
#the owing really got to me cause why would I owe you anything? I don’t know you there’s no agreement here#I write when I have the time and motivation to write and i choose what to write#like I make it clear in my asks I just don’t want to write about it rn#that I’m not interested and will get back to it when I can like I was into Spamton and dr for a year or so#i was obsessed#obviously I burnt myself out and don’t wanna do anything with UTDR and honestly it’s hard for me to want to in the future cause I can’t#for anyone who knows to read my tags at this point save the fics if you want imma gonna go to sleep and then delete them whenever I get up#cause this right here is exhausting like owe my ass sorry to disappoint dickhead#sorry if this seems like a tantrum to some but like I can’t just sit down and write for something I don’t want to big project or not#had I actually seen this in the morning I would’ve just responded with a screenshot of the deleted fics cause how dare you#like when ao3 comes back im deleting the fics cause im not doing this anymore
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every race weekend ferrari is like "yeah we use this race as a learning experience so we don't make the same mistake again" and then next week happens and they have 9 new and different learning experiences
#i am so tired i am genuinely exhausted i cannot even imagine having to sit on their fucking garage#listening to these people who do not make any sense next time i need charles to blow it up idgaf#its just so tiring reading the same interviews over and over again from different people on the garage#and they all say the exact same thing and the months go by and the script doesn't change and you have to wonder if he really is wasting /it/#doing the hate at 8 am on a monday like im getting paid to sit here LMFAO k i gtg to class see u guys later or not idk#scuderia ferrari
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Sorry to be 3 days late to the party but if you're still looking for good RadioDust fics I cannot recommend enough the Like Me series by threegoblins on ao3. The first installment is Angel POV and an amnesia fic but done in such a way it blew my fuckin gourd. Actually one of my all time fave fics now of any fandom, I'm not kidding. There's an in-progress sequel fic that's parallel to the first one but from Alastor's POV and I'm becoming feral waiting for the next update. Absolutely recommend, also you absolutely have to read them in order because there's a plot twist in the first one that the sequel spoils from the get go. I'm not normal about these fics. Also Alastor with a monster body for monster body Alastor enjoyers.
MONSTER BODY ALASTOR MY BELOVED. What a babe. Love when he goes all eldritch and creepy.
But oooooooooh, this looks fun 👀and plot twist you say? I love it when authors bamboozle me, it's the best! It has been added to the list!!! Radiodust here I come!
#I love a good plot twist#they're so much fun#Im getting all the radiodust fics#Im getting a lot of fics actually#I need to dedicate a day where I just sit down and read fanfics#i keep getting recommendation asks and I can't keep recommending the same handful of fics I have in my bookmarks T.T#besides I need some Hazbin Hotel TLC#shits been stressful for the last few weeks and ya boi is exhausted#thank you for the rec!#lillow#asks#fanfic recs#fanfiction recommendations
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vulture update: so many that apparently multiple people called the police, who showed up and proceeded to say "yup it's a dead dear, that's a lot of vultures, maybe try animal control? good luck" and then left. so that was cool.
#also i got denied for giving blood bc they couldnt find a big enough blood pressure cuff#to take a good reading. which is bullshit because ive given blood there and at other red crosses a dozen times before#so that was really embarrassing. and then when i got home the police were here.#and then they left and my family got home and my sister had a huge breakdown#because my dad was an asshole- like always#so it's been a fucking day.#yknow when every straw feels like your last straw but there are always more fucking straws#because i came home at the end of my rope and had to put it aside in order to be the only one advocating for her#and helping her recover. like.#it's exhausting. im not allowed to have a breakdown because then who would fucking empty the dishes and put the groceries away#and sit with her while she sobs so hard she throws up and get her medicine for her after.#i dont know guys i dont know...
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wait you have a masters in psych?….. tell me more
i do!! finished my degree last semester! idk what more to tell you jfjdjdjdj errrrr i specialised in neuropsychology BUT also dabbled in other stuff like clinical psychology & some organisational psychology. rn i am trying to figure out my next steps. there are so many options that interest me; i’d love to go into teaching (and maybe doing a second master’s degree) but i can also see myself doing a master of advanced studies or maaaybe a doctorate (most unrealistic option tho). even changing fields is in the cards. idk idk even with a degree i am STILL just kind of trying to figure out what comes next for me it literally never stops djjdjdjdjdj
#thank you so much for the message <3333#i thought you knew i was a lit and psych major and then went on to graduate school for psych#i always forget who i told or who simply figured it out by reading my tags etc.#also: to the anon who asked for tips on studying etc i saw the message but i really want to give you a good and useful answer#but atm i didn’t have the time or engery to sit down and actually write it#my new job has me very exhausted but i think i am finally finding my rhythm so i hope i get to it next week#answer#have a lovely sunday <3
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Bread turned out well I think for the first time I've made banana bread + how far gone the bananas were lmao (brown AND freezer burnt) so that's exciting :3
#twist rambles#i think ill do cornbread another time bc it gets soooo fucking dry after the first day and ik ill be too excited to have the banana bread to#eat it .. contemplating cookies now. although I am a bit exhausted it will make sitting to read and relax later SO much better#or as good as the horrors that await me can be lmao.
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Oh my god. You know it’s getting bad when you start doing things you don’t even want to do to procrastinate on something you really do want to do.
It would be one thing if it were something like a hobby; but the thing I want to do is also extremely necessary to my life.
#Hhhhhhngh#for three weeks I’ve been doing this#I’ve had all the time in the world#and I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m doing this out of a subconscious desire to prove to myself that I’m actually fucked up in the head#Which is already proof enough that I have that desire in the first place; but I keep going because it’s not enough#I only ever feel like I need care when I’m at my absolute worst#And suddenly after being so exhausted that I fell asleep at 7:00 some days; I’m staying up until 2:30 AM and waking up at 8:00???#and I feel fine and perfectly awake; but still can’t manage to get myself out of bed until 10:00 because Comfy#I sit and I read for an hour; then I go on my phone and emerge at 5:00 PM#If I go in the bathroom it takes forever to get back out because I end up talking to myself in the mirror about god knows what#I feel like I need some kind of… idk… very strong stimulant in me so I can actually care about things#not that stimulants work like that; but I need to have some kind of catastrophic life event… to get beaten up or something#something to put pure fear and concern in my veins#It is summer and there is almost no chance of me getting kicked or catching a football in the wrong place#and I don’t have to run right now either#I could do something#I know how#But even that is a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation; because that ALSO makes me not want to do things#At least then I’d have a palpable (literally) excuse but uh…. I’m still kind of getting over the last time#I am on my phone all day and I recognize that’s bad; but the thing I need to do is to send an email… which is on my phone; so there’s that#hypocritical#idk there’s something about using limited supplies to deal with a problem that needs more and hoping for the best#it excites me#Makes me feel like a big boy who can handle serious situations#But if I create the problem then it means nothing except that I cannot handle problems at all#I should not have all the responsibilities I do because I am not entirely in my right mind#I am thinking about it though#It’s tempting#get behind me satan
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being sick as an adult sucks. wdym my mom won’t just automatically make sure I eat food instead of exclusively drinking Gatorade all day. wdym I have to ask my roommates to make me dinner. I have to Venmo a friend money to buy me more Gatorade?? I can’t focus enough to do homework??? I hate this.
#this is a silly haha humor post but in all seriousness.#COVID rly is just making me stare all the internalized ableism in the eye#yes worth isnt defined by productivity and disability and the idea of being a burden is part of being human and isn’t shameful at all#until I have to minorly inconvenience people to meet my basic needs#I really want to eat dinner but that would require asking my roommates to make me dinner which is just. 5 kinda of mortifying.#even though if someone I knew was sick I would not be upset about making them food! sick people need to eat!#my parents ordered me chipotle yesterday bc they were so concerned bc of how I sounded over the phone#and my friend went out and bought me juice and Gatorade and popsicles and took me to the doctor#the support system Exists I just feel bad about having to use it T-T#I just want to be hugged and read to and reminded to eat food but I am an adult now and not at home#lonely TT-TT#it’ll be okay I’m probably just emotional bc I’m sick and hungry#I also just am struggling so hard because I want to catch up on my classwork Right Now#but I can get through maybe one assignment before I’m too exhausted to keep sitting up#and I have to lay down and close my eyes and sleep or do a light activity like playing candy crush for the fifty bazillionth time#I’ve gotten through like. 100 levels this week.#I’m losing my dang marbles. I am gonna be so behind in ASL Susan is gonna be so disappointed in me#I feel like I have all this energy when I’m laying down bored but as soon as I sit up I feel like I’m floating and about to fall over#so. so tired. why can’t I be healthy already and do homework T-T.#I’m choosing to take this as a lesson to slow down and not overwork myself so hard. instead of being mad at myself for getting behind.#<- is trying and failing not to be mad at herself for getting behind
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number one worst thing abt me being sick is that it rlly knocks me tf out
#personal#i’m too exhausted to move and when i do i have to do everything i can#bc if i don’t i’ll sit down and not move for another three hours#i can hardly get myself to eat or drink#even tho i NEED TO.#don’t even get me started on thinking hard#the only thing i can do without much effort is read but god#turning pages is so difficult#so i end up just scrolling bc that takes on finger#and i scroll various sites until my#mind is mashed potatoes#ufhfhfhhfhfhfhhh. i’m so sick of being sick
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i hate that there’s so much i want to do, but then the weekend rolls around, and i literally end up doing nothing, lmao. the fic i want to write, the books i want to read, the organization or cleaning... they all sound like great ideas during the week once work is finally over, but by then, even if i do enjoy it to some extent, the exhaustion wins out, and i don’t want to do anything. and i think the worst part about it is the absolute guilt that comes along with that bc you’ve wasted time, and suddenly it’s sunday night, and work starts again. wash, rinse and repeat, and i hate that’s what adulthood comes down to.
#x#the only thing i have any capacity for is reading fic on and off#but even then there are SO many i have saved that i feel so guilty that i haven't got to yet#i literally have fics saved from over a year ago i just haven't gotten to read yet#and they sit in open times bc the intention is to get through them at some point#*tabs#but then that also never happens#i just hate that there is no time for anything at all#because the little time you do have is staving off or recovering from mental exhaustion
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Ok so it turns out that maybe it's not just that I was sick and kinda fuzzy but I think the burn out finally won gang
#I basically get up to walk and then lie down again. I had to watch the fnaf movie in two parts bc I had to go lie down (I was sitting#comfortably at my desk)#like. I think I really overdid it last month bc of all the dr appointments and it finally caught up to me#I'm hoping it eases up in a few days. at least enough I can chip away at drawings bc I miss it ;;#I'm just too tired to do it. I am soo tired man#I might also try to do a caffeine detox. see if that helps a little (sometimes it does)#sunny with clouds#or maybe it is the sickness and now the antibiotic is also making me exhausted?? I hope so#idk#if you're reading this uh don't forget to hydrate n take care of yourself and rest when you need to 💙
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