#yknow when every straw feels like your last straw but there are always more fucking straws

[natjennie]

vulture update: so many that apparently multiple people called the police, who showed up and proceeded to say "yup it's a dead dear, that's a lot of vultures, maybe try animal control? good luck" and then left. so that was cool.

[adrunkgiraffe]

I have been through this journey before, so I get to be actually frustrated about it.

IUnder a read more because im not subjecting y’all to this. Also: I should caveat I haven’t watched the episode cause I’m waiting till its on Netflix but I have watched way too many other episodes of Supernatural so I have a right to say these things. 

TL;DR: I mean you all knew Cas’ confession was fucking bullshit and that SPN is...hm. But I’d like to actually express my genuine frustration, for a moment? I’m going to say things you already know, but I have too much knowledge of this show and too much stupid meta in my brain about a series I haven’t genuinely enjoyed for at least 5 years which makes this not just blandly bad but disgustingly insulting to me not even as a gay just as like. A writer?

Or, even shorter: Cas’ confession is just a Charlie Bradbury Speedrun 

So. As some of you may know if, for some reason, you followed me back in 2013 (and till...okay fine 2015), I used to be, uh. Really into SPN. Really, I was into Destiel. Like, as in, I slogged through seasons 1-3 to get to Cas and am also really vulnerable to the Sunk Cost Fallacy and projecting onto characters. (I was in 8th grade in 2013, okay? Get off my back)

Also, because I monopolised use of the TV, I kind of...also got my parents into it? In a “this is silly but fun” kind of way.

Over time, critiques of the show from viewers, learning what queerbaiting is at all, fatigue with how long it was going, and also fatigue from how characters I enjoyed, like Rufus, or Crowley, or Ellen, or Jo, or Kevin, or Charlie, or Cas a few times, kept getting killed off. As time went on, it didn’t escape my notice that, aside from Cas, all of these characters fit one or more of the following criteria:

They were a woman

They were a person of color

Were Queer or Queer-coded in some way (listen Crowley was bad rep but at least Mark Sheppard actually kissed a man on screen)

I also just...generally got tired of the way the show treats women and sidelines people of color. 

The final straw really came with Charlie’s death. It got us all excited, because she hadn’t been back in a bit! And it was interesting to see how reuniting with her dark side from Oz had changed her! (yeah remember the fucking Wizard of Oz storyline? The writers sure don’t!) And maybe she’d get developed! Because at this point, Charlie and the fairly good writing of her character was a major upside for the series! Charlie was cool, fun, gay, and morally complex in a way...none of the female characters had been before her, in large part because by definition, her relationship with the boys would always be platonic.

And then. Offscreen. She is violently murdered. For no damn good reason. Like, literally, her being brought back in this episode after fucking off to europe after having returned from fucking off to Oz seems to have filled two purposes in total. 

The codex is solved (but Sam doesn’t know till next episode)

Charlie is dead, which means Dean can be angry, specifically at Sam, and kill more people because he’s the big bad this season. 

That’s it. Two things. Twooooo whole reasons to do this episode. Whoopee. 

But you didn’t come here for this, you came here for me to rip this reveal to shreds. Don’t worry, I’ll get there. What I want in your minds is that Supernatural already had a really good anddynamic queer character. And then they killed her off to make Dean angry. No, it doesn’t matter that they brought her back in season 13 or whatever. They made that decision. 

After the rage this incited, I started realizing general flaws in the writing (I had probably already noticed them but now I was angry enough to complain.) Every conflict is born of Sam and Dean not communicating/taking on burdens and Dean being angry at Cas for reasons that ranged from good to ridiculous, but in a way that always went way too fucking long, (which...yes, does make the “you do it for love” gifs fucking hilarious). It didn’t help that seasons 11 and 12 were next, which meant Demon Dean and GOD’S FUCKING SISTER, plus the decision to resurrect Mary, which, while I do like her later scenes, as a season 12 finale it...well I’ll be honest it kinda sucked. It undercut the majority of the Winchester’s’ arcs and their slow and painful journey out of their father’s toxic vengeance quest and knowing Mary as a person when it’s too late to know her was one of the last semi-compelling grounders of the narrative. 

By this point it was a hate-watch for my parents and I.

So then, I’m at college, and I’m not watching anymore cause I don’t have the motivation or access to Hulu to continue, and SPN is bad. I watch the Scooby Doo crossover when it comes out and my friend and I make fun of it, and we also continue making jokes about Dean and Cas and queerbaiting because we’re queer, but I don’t keep up. My Dad does though, so when I return, I watch some with the fam and lads. It’s even more tiring without context. 

So flash forward to Quarantine, my sister, the only one with taste, has left, and we have run out of netflix to watch. So we return to the well, and seasons 13-14 are. I’m gonna say it. Bad. Really fucking bad. The cycle of bad communication continues, season 14 has like seven antagonists and the way it’s structured makes it so I literally cannot remember the timeline of a season I watched 3 months ago. Oh also, they have a queer coded cannibal snake monster for...well I guess Jack’s snake bud was cool but like. Huh wow it’s almost like these writers don’t handle queers well. 

Our one saving grace is Cas, but he’s barely in any episodes, though I did note that his deal with the empty, being happy completely for one moment killing him, that struck me as “this has potential and I know they’re gonna half-ass it somehow.” Also Jack and Mary, but then oh...plot….The most compelling it gets is literally the finale.

But then, 3 days later, the first half of season 15 comes out on Netflix and it’s...actually kind of acceptable. The new character they give Jack’s actor is fun to watch him play until they make him evil. Exploring just how toxic Chuck can be gave the series direction again. The alternate future was genuinely scarring, and Eileen’s return was genuinely moving. Most of all, though, Cas got the opportunity to tell Dean no, that Dean was being unfair to him, had always been unfair to him, and he was sick of it. I had no illusions, I knew Destiel was never gonna happen, and Cas was gonna die, but giving him that bit of agency, letting Cas grow and be self-sufficient, and be angry with Dean not for existential reasons but interpersonal ones, was such a good sign for me, and Dean grew too! Dean fucking apologized for being horrible and Jensen Ackles had a...yknow what, ill give it to him, he had a good acting moment. 

But the thing. About. The “I love you.” 

Let’s take it in parts.

What was good: I’m gonna admit it, lads, “Wanting what I can’t have” - AS A LINE - is good, and, structurally, there is something to the Empty Deal that could have been an interesting aspect of Cas’ arc when it comes to self actualization and being on even footing with Dean. The problem is, this is Supernatural, and that arc only comes up when I bring it up because character study, even in bad media, is fun for me. 

What was bad:

I mean. Like. All of it? All of it. 

Okay. Fine. I’ll be specific. 

Cas dies immediately when - possibly because- he is revealed as having feelings for Dean. They kill him as they queer him, that’s a Bury Your Gays Speedrun right there.

Like the least they could have done is have him mention it to someone in another scene or something to establish some romantic feelings on the part of canon a full episode beforehand. That would have been the literal bare minimum. 

When Cas starts praising Dean, for some reason both the writing and Misha’s acting take a bit of a downswing (from...where it already was). Cas, whose most powerful moment this season was acknowledging that Dean’s anger at him is cruel and unfair, flatly praises him for doing everything out of love and it reads with a misunderstanding of both Dean as a character and Cas’ understanding of Dean. Dean is angry! VERY ANGRY! And it’s a problem he needs to work on and rarely does. 

Talking out of my ass, a better speech would have been about how Dean is angry because of his love for Sam, family, and the people around him, how, for better or for worse, he can’t help but be angry on behalf of others, and that his journey of moving that tendency towards the better is what made Cas care so much. Guys this alteration to the metaphor took 2 minutes to write tops I am an Art History student and these are TV WRITERS WITH YEARS OF EXPERIENCE CAN YOU TELL THEYRE NOT TRYING YET? 

A better speech would, of course, have come out of a better series. My point: this part was half-assed. Poorly written. Wow it’s almost like the series is also poorly written. 

 Also, Misha is the better actor of the three(***OF THE THREE), but his choices in that scene are jarringly out of character which. Makes the bad writing worse. It doesn’t help that they cut to the same fucking shot of Dean 3 times. The chemistry in that scene makes it feel so fucking hackneyed. Because it is. 

This combines lead me to the point: (wait there was a point to this?)

As someone who does not have the luxury of watching this capsized ship fall into boiling seas from a distance, it is less insulting to me that they did this so last minute and then sent Cas to the Void than it is how they did it. They had ingredients for something that could have been compelling enough to me as a former fan of the show to think that they had put effort into it, that they had decided months, perhaps even years ago to do this, and had crafted a storyline around it. That this was an intentional decision they cared about. It wasn’t. It was barely even pandering, because it’s almost insultingly blatant. 

SPN kinda proved to me that it didn’t care about queers when Charlie was killed off. It proved it to me again when Cas, not only died in confessing his love for Dean but did it in the weakest result of what could have been a surprisingly strong story.

[klimtandbencbatch]

For an IronStrange prompt: Steve is making Tony feel like crap(cause mcu Steve dosent care about feelings) and Tony' s day is just getting worse and worse until strange makes him feel better. [Insert lenny face]

this is gonna be a two-parter!!! also I took some liberties w/ the prompt, I hope you don’t mind!!! next part is the fuckin’ and a wrap up of the divorce lmao

Other Words For “Splitting Up” Part 1

Tony Stark was hard at work in his lab, bobbing his head to Def Leppard as he worked on his suit’s thrusters, tweaking a few things here and there. It was a typical day for him, so far - wake up, have breakfast (coffee), read the paper, check stocks, head downstairs and get to work for God knew how many hours. He was just getting ready for the next step, lunch (coffee) when his music suddenly went quiet, and the doors slid open.

“Hey, what did I say about - “

He fell silent as a stack of papers fell to the nearby work table with a heavy, thick thud. A thud of finality, Tony reflected, as he looked up at none other than Steve Rogers standing before him, hands on his muscle-y, muscle-y hips.

“Uh, hey, Steve. Did you - ?”

“Just read the papers, Tony.”

Tony paused, blinking rapidly for a moment before nodding. “Uh, yeah. Okay.” He set his wrench aside, wiping his hands clean of grease before picking up the top paper off the stack. His eyes immediately snapped back to Steve, his jaw dropping.

“You’re - serving me?”

“Let’s just face facts, Tony. We haven’t been together in a long time. Hell, we haven’t slept in the same bed in years.”

“Uh, yeah, and whose fault is - “

“Stop,” Steve said at once, raising a hand. “This is why I - brought a lawyer into it.  Because I’m sick of having these arguments with you.”

Tony scoffed, standing, fuming slightly as he still had to look up at Steve. “Yknow, you wanted to get married in the first place.”

“And now I wanna get divorced,” Steve answered tiredly. “Alright? Just - read the papers, Tony. Please.”

Tony deflated slightly, looking over at the stack on his desk. “I… um. Yeah. I will. Just - leave. Okay? Just get out.”

Steve hesitated for just a moment, looking as if he wanted to say something else. With those damn - puppy dog eyes of his. Tony shook his head firmly, turning away.

“I’m serious, Rogers. Bye.”

He closed his eyes as he heard the doors slide shut, pressing his fists firmly against his forehead. He aimed a kick at his tool box, sending wrenches and screwdrivers flying every which way all over his workshop.

“Fuck!”

He’d known he and Steve were over. He’d known it for a long time. But lawyers meant meetings, and meetings meant going places together, and doing that when they hadn’t been seen publicly together in so long meant press. Press meant stories, stories meant attention, and attention meant Tony being the villain. He could see the headlines already.

Stark Tosses Out All-American Hero!

Marriage Bed Gone Icier than Cap?

Star-Spangled Couple Calls it Quits! Stark’s Riches to Blame?

“Fuck,” he muttered again, folding his arms over his chest with a long sigh. He saw Dum-E and U starting to move towards the tools, and he snapped his fingers to get their attention.

“No, no. Stop. I’ll clean it up, you two - you two take a break. Okay? We’ve all earned a break.”

He bit his lip as he turned back to the papers. “Time for some light reading,“ he mumbled, hefting the stack and heading upstairs, leaving his workshop a dismantled mess.

They’d tried to be discreet.

With the whole - Infinity War thing getting in the way, they’d had to postpone their divorce proceedings for a bit. Tony saved the world - maybe the headlines wouldn’t be so harsh - and Steve helped, providing ground support and a somewhat-trusted ally and go-between for the Wakandans.

They’d tried to be discreet.

Everyone picked up on it. Bruce and Thor, freshly returned, immediately noticed Tony’s wedding band missing, once they’d all joined back together after the mess on Titan. Peter had it figured out minute one, smart kid. Tony wasn’t sure he’d be able to forget the looks of pity on everyone’s faces.

And all of that Thanos shit, on top of getting divorced?

When Happy pulled up to their “secret meeting place” and Tony could already see cameras flashing, he nearly punched his window out. “Are you fucking kidding me?” he muttered, peering out to try to see who was there.

“Captain Rogers must be here already,” Happy groused, equally as displeased.

“Fuck this,” Tony sighed, shoving himself out of the car. He ignored the questions hurled at him by the press, heading inside and meeting up with his lawyer in the lobby of the building.

“I was told there wouldn’t be press coverage? That this was just a - strategy meeting?”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Stark, it would appear - “

“Forget it,” Tony said, waving his hand. “Just - show me where the big guy is.”

————————————

“…and he’s suing me for alimony. Steve fuckin’ Rogers wants my money. What lifestyle did I get him used to? 2018 instead of 1942?”

Bruce offered a tight smile, not sure what to say. “I - dunno, Tones,” he tried, ducking behind the screen he was currently engrossed with. “Maybe he’s just - trying to rile you up.”

“He wants money for his fuckin’ Soviet boy toy is what it is,” Tony growled, swearing as he accidentally caught his finger in a tiny piece of machinery. “No, yknow what? Fuck these blasters. They’re fine the way they are. Fuck me, Brucey, I… What am I gonna do?“

Bruce poked his head back up, shrugging. “I… You’re gonna get through it, Tony. You’re - Tony Stark. You’ve been through worse than a divorce.”

Tony smiled a bit, getting up to stretch. “I’m gonna make a smoothie, and you just earned yourself one. Want one?”

“Sure. The - strawberry one you do. S’really good.”

Tony let his smile grow a bit more, heading over to the little bullet blender he kept in the workshop now.

“So,” Bruce started once the noise had died down and the requisite smoothies had been distributed, “what about that doctor?”

“Hm?”

“Strange. Stephen.”

“Oh. Oh, him,” Tony said, setting his cup aside. “I mean, well, yknow. We - hooked up. Once or twice.”

“Yeah?”

Tony nodded. “Uh huh.”

“And what’s he like, then?” Bruce asked.

“Are you a middle school girl?”

Bruce shrugged. “It’s taking your mind off of Divorcee in Chief.”

Tony sighed, fiddling with his smoothie straw. “He’s… really smart. Like, wickedly smart. And he’s funny! He makes me laugh every time I’m with him, like when we get coffee or whatever. And he’s a monster in bed. Present company excluded.”

“Har, har.”

“I dunno if this is TMI, but - Bruce, I nearly wept. That is how insanely good the sex was. It’s like he was in my head, but I wasn’t - afraid, yknow? He just paid attention to everything I wanted.”

“It’s a little TMI.”

Tony snorted, giving Bruce a look. “I had to hear about it from Thor the first time you guys slept together. I’ve earned this.”

Bruce flushed. “Sorry about that. Again.”

“Hey, yknow what? It’s all good. We’re just a couple of friends, shootin’ the shit.” He turned back to his blasters, poking at the metal a bit before sighing. “I just… I’m trying not to get too involved in anything, yknow? Until me and Steve are done, and - for a while after that. So I don’t fuck anything up.”

“Hey,” Bruce said, reaching out to pat Tony’s arm. “I get it. And I’m here. For - when you need to talk. Unless it’s about wizard sex, then I’ll have to pass…”

“Alright, Banner. I get it,” Tony laughed, getting back to work. “Thanks, pal.”

“Always, Tones.”

————————————

It all went downhill from there.

Meeting after meeting after meeting. And every time, Tony seemed to get there last, and the press was waiting to pounce. He refused to give Steve any kind of money - after the little stunt in Siberia? He was lucky that Tony hadn’t filed, that Tony had wanted to avoid publicity. And to what end did he owe Steve money? Sure, he’d had Stark Tower back then, sure, but he hadn’t spoiled Steve. By any stretch of the imagination.

And that’s why Steve was dragging this out. Tony just knew that it had to be the reason.

And it was starting to work. Tony was getting tired of fighting, and tired of being hounded by paparazzi and cameras everywhere he went.

He was having trouble sleeping, and he kept reading over the documents again and again, trying to figure out what the hell he was going to do. He was currently locked up in his workshop again, bent over his workbench with his fingers tangled tightly in his hair, his eyes scanning over sentences he’d read a thousand times already. How much longer could this go on for?

“Tony?”

He jumped up, scattering the papers over the floor. He turned quickly, sagging with relief when he saw who it was.

“Stephen. Thank God for you.”

He marched over to the sorcerer, planting his face in the middle of the other man’s chest. Stephen’s warm hands came to rest gently on the back of Tony’s neck, kneading at the muscles there.

“You’re so tense,” Stephen murmured.

“It’s my soon-to-be-ex husband,” Tony explained, nuzzling against Stephen’s robes. “Mm, you smell so good… Like a spice market…"

“Was in Nepal this morning,” Stephen said, smiling a bit. “Everything okay?”

“No,” Tony answered bluntly. “I get voicemails from Steve every twenty fucking seconds asking if I confirmed for the next meeting or not. He’s got this huge sum of money he wants hanging over my head, and - on top of all of that - he’s out parading around with that - monster, and no one seems to be risking their journalistic integrity to print the truth! At least I’m keeping us somewhat quiet.”

Stephen let Tony vent, settling down on a nearby work stool. He nodded as he listened, watching Tony pace back and forth, pushing down thoughts of how cute he was. So little.

“Sorry,” Tony sighed, noticing Stephen listening. “I just… I’m really strung out over this. Yknow?”

“Need a bit of… Stress relief?”

Tony stopped talking mid-sentence, turning to face Stephen. His pupils dilated almost instantly, and he was on the sorcerer in a second. “Please. God, please.”

“My place,” Stephen urged. “Quieter. Further away from the cameras.”

“Take me away, magic man.”

Stephen smiled, opening a portal and pushing Tony through, immediately pinning him to his bed.

“Oh, I intend to, Mr. Stark.”

[icharchivist]

perso-rant underneath and at first i intended it to be more light hearted but welp cant dive into myself without digging the bad stuff so just ignore this as rambling.

(idk if the cut works on mobile so as usual blacklist #ichapersonal to skip it , its quite long)

its night and im noisy and all but yknow part of the reason m/lb is such a healing show for me and i rewatch it every couple of days?

i cry everytime M.arinette's family is on screen pretty badly bc i get so envious all the time. i hate my shitty family (and often can relate to A.drien's ressentment) so just seeing such a /healthy/ family being often shown litterally brings me to tears. im like C.hat in the animan episode when he stares at the family picture with a sweet smile (another detail that stupidly make me cry who allowed th i s)

like. i dont relate to A.drien's relation to his family but some of the emotional effects is often a moment of "welp. mood." and being kinda sad /for him/ even if i can feel it for myself too. but then with M.arinette's family everytime they get to be on screen i realize how happy this sort of dynamic makes me and it makes me /so envious/.

like my mom is an artist and an excellent cook but she always barred those interests from me bc it was /hers/ and it was for /her ego/ and this attitude just killed every curiosity i had and remplaced it with a complete unability to care.

i used to bake as a kid but my mom was always shutting down everything i was doing, and if i was asking for help or recieps she would just tell le "it's a secret just watch " and never letting me know tf she was doing so i stopped lmao. everytime ive tried meals since it was only for myself and with a hard mocking from family and mom saying she had a better recieps and i should just let her do so i dont even try it often. (moreeven now that the kitchen is opened to the living room and they're super judgemental when im in it)

i was messing with drawings and paints in her workshop when i was a kid but she would always point out flaws and take my tools to correct it without telling nor showing me how and it killed it, it took me until my 14yo to start doing mindless doodles and then my breakdown when i was about 20 to seriously try back to draw and do art and try different tools (until my right hand made it impossible for me to hold a tool and the failure still feels yknow)

i wanted to sew things and make clothes (at the time for my dolls) but my mom was never letting me touch the tools (that we HAD since not only she made clothes but her mom actually had a fabrique shop. like. right next door. i think it became part of my mom's trauma hating her mom and refusing us to connect with her, more so with what happened when i was 7 and we lost contact with them but still, the damn irony. and i cant remember if my grandma ever let me close her sewing material but i was a damn kid after all) so this is another thing i didnt pursue

i wanted to pick up music (piano mostly) bc my uncle is a musician but my parents never wanted to invest in that because they already gave a piano to my sister (that i wasnt allowed to use) so ye that was dropped lmao

and i started to write when i was about 11 and it was that /one thing/ i didnt need help for from anyone, completely self taught, with my own ways and tools, and my parents were always dismissive of it, never listening to me, always telling me it wasnt important, that i should focus on something else, and after other circumstances that added to that i dropped writting around my 17/18yo and it had been painful to even try to write again since.(i came back to writing around my 20yo a bit before my breakdown but after it happened it started to die out and i felt exhausted and stopped after a few months and since then i've never been able to pick up writing again ay.)

(and im not touching the obsessive elements bc like- the fact she does it for her crush makes it different, but the sort of things she does? taking pictures and putting them everywhere in her room when she hyperfixates, making overcomplicated schedules and such? i litteraly do that with fiction. i made a freaking timeline for this show. i am currently working on organizing codex from d.a and an approval guide for christ sake. and im not talking about my multiple fandom shrines in my room and the fact i legit have one for m/lb made from pictures found on merchs.

or also the fact i have a lot of passions i'd love to share and seeing M. play video games with her dad for exemple makes me so bitter when all i get is backhanded insults from my parents when i bring it up.)

So sometimes i see M. and part of me is just in awe, loving everything about her. the other part of me tho... i feel... a bit robbed? like she's such a creative kid, she's incredible and she inspires me everyday, and i cant help but think how i would have adored her when i was a kid. (im not even kidding, as a kid i requested my mom a costume of black cat for h.alloween and a l.adybug costume for the carnaval. i have pictures of that at my dad's place sadly it kills me. also my room when i was a kid used to be covered with l.adybug stickers like. HELL my mom doesnt care about my interests but last year she bought me a M/LB winter callendar (bc its been years i was mentioning i wanted one, a selfish whim but oh well) and i had a huge double take bc i was certain she didnt remember me talking about this show- and she did not. when i asked her why, she legit told me "because she reminded me of you as a kid with your pigtails your obsession for l.adybugs". like!! i cant even stress how kid!me would have adored this show and especially LB./M.) (the pigtails too this time i have proofs around there i used to carry them all the time until i was bullied for it at school. (bullying at school instead of good friends also adds to the difference in question tbh lmao))

there is something so... weird into seeing the parts of yourself that you cut yourself from in a character, and see that the main difference is because of how the family (and bullies) treated those elements so drastically differently.

my family was always neglectful but differently than A.. the things i relate to with him is how he specifically still holds on hope that his father will do better at least just for one day and his reaction when he's left down saying he's just used to it. and like normal, not every kind of abuse are the same and all but i still relate enough to feel sad.

but M. is always a whiplash of feelings like i could have been this sort of girl in a better environment.

at 13/14yo she was already making stuff up, baking, designing clothes, doing art, she was doing so many things, even forgetting the superhero part. she was being happy being a creator at her pace and with encouragement. at 13/14yo i was starting to show concerning signs of d.epression because i was trying to handle my parents's divorces and the multiple trials that followed that /i/ had to handle by finding middle grounds, allowing some of my father's blackmail to avoid worse, and by litterally having to collect infos from mails everytime to prove against some of his arguments to the judges. and my sister refusing to talk to us for a year, which caused us basically to feel very bad thinking of the eldest sister who ran away from home, and having to handle my father's harrasment and emotional abuse of constantly belittling me (fuck this was the age he legit told me i would probably end up a p.rostitute so ye!!! fuck that!!!) andd the fact my mom was also falling apart from all of it on me and i was always supposed to cheer her up while i was having a hard time in a new school and new environment away from the very few friends i had and again feeling abandonned by my sister which freaking sucks after already had suffered that from our eldest one.

but M. makes me cry every. goddam. rewatch. its like maybe the ultimate wish fufilling story of just how i would have loved my family to be. of how i think i could have turned up.

and that realization hits so badly everytime.

there's a thing with my hyperfixations where i'll always find a way to tie it back to my traumas. i dont know if im pulling straws, or if the things are there. for having watched m.lb when it came out unfazed and only got hit with that realization upon rewatching- i feel it was more me realizing "there is something there that is touching me more than before" and having an introspection to get it.

and i think the difference is that- before my breakdown the characters and stories i related to where the eternal optimistic-yet-damaged "never give up!" type of characters. When things started to go downhill to my breakdown and since then the fictions that talked to me the most were all dealing with guilt coming from toxic environment that werent your fault per se but you pierceved that way. my way to relate were to characters who felt deeply connected to their guilt (peak being c.loud of f.f7 that even topped it with the deadly skin disease making him lose will to live (because ye that happened. still hate to watch out for that so ye), and memories issues, you would have told me at 13yo when i first watched that movie that this would be what i would relate to him about 7 years later i would have laughed at your face.), which translated with pushing people away and self destructing habits.

and i know i watched m.lb the first time around that time, when i was 20/21. and that may be why i didnt feel that. that my concerns were too elsewhere to realize that. That i was too focalized on how i felt like i failed by suddenly breaking under the pressure, having all the things i've kept burried kicking me out at once, and that i couldnt afford to be a burden to anyone. and it translated with me loving characters like that because in most cases their friends ended up reminding them of what was important - and sometimes just getting frustrated about your fav being as dumb as it forces you to pull yourself back together lmao. not always working but it was there.

now im 23. i cut ties with my father for about 3/4 years now, with all the shitty things that ensued out of the last trial where he sued me and his still-happening harrasment (sometimes silly sometimes scary). My mom and step dad are suffocating me more and more everyday. my health had become so disastrous i cant even manage to go school or find a job. And more than ever im frustrated and angry.

and i think it may be a shown of recovery? perhaps linked to therapy? of while i still have guilt of falling apart- /they/ are the reason i fell apart. and I'm yet to have proper apologizes for it. i grew furious at my family. of how much i feel robbed.

lately im so angry at everything i lost, was taken of, stolen childhood all of that- because of my parents, mainly. (hell even the bullying at school - in primary school it apparently started bc of gossips about why my eldest sister ran away from home, and in middle school it was first bc my parents insisted on sending me to private school where i was an outcast. which then had me truly embrassing the outcast persona that had made it impossible for me to be at peace in the two others middle schools i went to. highschool saved my social life tbh).

i think it's therapy and recovery that is making me shift the blame and feel so angry at them. so bitter. and suddenly i see in an innocent kid show a "what could have been". same starting personality, different people to channel this.

and this is. frustrating.

but it makes me love it even more. idk if its driving anything else than ressentment but at least for the time of an episode I'm in a bubble of a.lternative universe where i can forget about my life and feel satisfied at once.

like finding a piece of myself that i deliberately broke and burried to never think about it again, and realize far later how it missed to the whole, and how damaged this piece is now, but still is.

and there is something incredibly healing about that. i would never have thought there would be this much healing out of this anger and yet satisfaction. what a strange feeling.

fiction is funny that way. the things people can get out of it to deal with their own psyche are so different one person to the next.

it's just so weird for me to go from "i relate to the horrors this character went through" to "and fuck those horrors. let me think about what could have been if this didnt happen."

even moreso knowing i had this piece of fiction before and didnt approach it that way. there's a time and a mindset for everything. apparently now was the best mindset for me huh

.......

so ye apparently i cant like something like a normal person and have to go on about how it connects to my deeply rooted traumas lmao.

anyway it's been eating me up for weeks now and it's 4:45am i have absolutly no impulse holding me back. if you sat through this piece of work im sorry. just needed it to get it out of my chest.

i'll go back to hugging my cheap-yet-lifesaving c.laire's l.adybug pillow now

good night o/

[ao3-writer]

The Q Word (1/2)

Could you maybe... crankiplker angst with a happy ending? Like Mark Messed Up Big Time And He Has To Fix This kind of ansgt.

 Mark decided to host a party at the office, inciting friends and Youtubers alike. The celebration had no real reason to it, it was just a little thing Mark wanted to throw together for everybody in L.A.

 Ethan and Tyler were busy getting the last essentials to the party fixed up before they finally had time to socialize. Amy was taking Chica out to use the restroom so that she wouldn’t have to charge up and down the stairs to get their attention.

 Mark was chatting up with Matt and Ryan when Ethan stood next to him, sliding his arm around him. Mark shook Ethan’s arm off. The younger man simply took nothing of it, just walking away and finding Tyler.

  “Hey, did you find Mark?” Tyler asked, drinking the ‘safe punch’ from his red solo cup. Ethan nodded.

  “Yeah, but... he was just busy. I’ll just talk to him later.”

 But later turned into an hour. and from an hour to two. and from two to three. Soon enough, people began to leave. Mark was talking to practically every person that had showed up except Ethan. Hell, he even managed to hang around enough for Tyler to tell him that Ethan was looking for him. But Mark and Ethan never spoke.

 The night dwindled down, the room got too hot for Ethan and he made his way outside, letting the cold fresh-air blast the heat away and fill him with relief. The stars barely shined, the moon exceptionally bright, fighting against the glow of the cities own lights.

Ethan heard a door open behind him, hoping it was Mark. Unfortunately, it was just Amy. She had her hands stuffed in her coat pockets and revealed a napkin hiding cookies.

  “Here, I figured you needed these,” she said, shrugging as Ethan’s face lighted up. “What happened to you and Mark? Weren’t you two going to be inseperable this entire night?”

 Ethan chuckled. “Yeah but... he’s just been socializing with a lot of people. I’m fine just skirting around and joining occasional conversations and debates,” Ethan replied. Amy raised an eyebrow.

  “What do you mean? Has he not brought you into any of his conversations?”

  “Not really. He’s kinda just been...” avoiding me “... busy,is all it is.”

 Amy wasn’t buying it. She welcomed Ethan to follow her back inside. The hot air escaped, Ethan kind of missed the cool air outside but this would have to suffice. Amy led him through the small stacks of conversations before they finally reached Mark.

  “So anyways, as I was saying-- oh Hey, Ethan,” Mark greeted, wrapping an arm around his boyfriend. Amy was relived, seeing nothing had gone wrong. “This is Ethan. You’ve probably seen him in my videos. He edits too,” Mark added, “he’s a big ball of fun. I love him.”

  “Don’t you have a Youtube channel too?” A girl Ethan had never met before asked. Mark simply laughed. “I’m surprised you’ve heard about it. His channels pretty nonexistent at this point, isn’t that right, Eth?” Mark asked. Ethan felt the insult harder than expected, staring at Mark in confusion.

  “How long have you two been... together?” A different stranger asked. Mark shrugged.

  “Probably two or three months. But it’s all just numbers, am I right? Who needs to count days when you’re in a relationship? All you have to remember is the anniversary and you’re good,” Mark replied, pulling laughter out of the others. Ethan was put further into shock. They’d been dating for six months already, how could he have forgotten?

  “Mark,” Amy said, trying to hide her forcefulness, “wanna tell them about the project Tyler and Ethan have been working on?” Amy tried her best smile, hoping that Mark could recover all the shit he’s said about Ethan already. But to no avail.

  “For what? It’s not like they’re the brains behind it. They just do what I ask. Nothing more. Besides, Ethan can’t think further than in his own box sometimes.” Amy and Ethan stared at Mark in shock while the others merely chuckled and mumbled among themselves. 

  “Moving the camera’s hard work, Mark,” Ethan finally said. Mark scrunched his face in annoyance.

  “Yeah but we have to retake half the things you film anyway. You suck at it, Ethan. Stick to vlogging.”

 Those three words were all it took for Ethan to snap. He let go of Mark’s arm and stared at him angrily. Amy already knew what was coming and stood by Ethan’s side quickly, but part of her wanted to see Mark be dropped a peg.

  “Well maybe if you weren’t such an asshole, things wouldn’t be so hard. After all, you’re a fucking prick most of the time. Why don’t you stick to ‘vlogging’, Mark. After all, your most popular videos are mostly you doing dumb skits that WE have come up with,” Ethan bit out. Amy rolled her eyes and tugged at Ethan’s arms to lead them away from the group and back outside into the fresh air.

 Mark was stunned, watching where Ethan just was back to the others. He gave a small smile before he tried making his way through the people before Tyler stood in his way and steered him off into a different conversation.

 The party was over. The people had left, Tyler and Amy were left to clean the mess while Mark texted Ethan desperately as to where he was. Mark grabbed a plastic bag anyway, starting to toss empty cups and nacho plates inside. His phone buzzed and found that it was someone thanking him for the wonderful night.

  “He’s not answering you anytime soon, yknow,” Amy said. Mark stared at her and she merely shrugged. “Just sayin’. You messed up big time, Mark. and I mean... big time.”

 Ethan finally replied, saying he was at home. Mark immediately called, dropping the bag and stepping outside to hear him.

  “Where have you been? Ethan cmon, you can’t be that mad. I was just trying to be funny,” Mark said.

  “Yeah well it was a dick move,” Ethan replied, “you know I’ve put up with so much bullshit you give me and it honestly doesn’t feel like a relationship anymore. It feels like a fucking dictatorship. I’m not your whore. I’m not some servant. I’m your boyfriend, Mark,” Ethan said over the phone.

  “Ethan, don’t be dramatic. I was just trying to be funny. Okay, one of those jokes did cross the line. But cmon, we always take like this,” Mark pleaded. Ethan scoffed.

  “WE?! You always talk like this, Mark. Like the egotistical little shit that you are. Saying that m channel is nonexistent and saying I suck?! I try harder than you probably do, Mark. DO you think I fuck up on purpose?! I learn from my mistakes, but you just completely ignore your own. Blaming it on somebody and anybody else. Fuck you, Mark.”

  “Hey, don’t be like that. I never said you were a fuck up. You know how much I support you in all that you do! Cmon, Eth, it was one time. We need to move past--”

  “Oh no. Oh-hoho, NO. You are always like this. You are always an asshole to me and sometimes I don’t even realize. You avoided me all night and I... I had nobody to talk to. I was lonely. Jesus Christ, sometimes I feel like you’re embarrassed to be around me!”

  “You would too if your boyfriend was a total queer.”

 That was it. That was the last straw and Ethan went off. Amy stepped out to find out what was going on and she could even hear Ethan’s rage over the phone speaker.

  “A QUEER?! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS, MARK?! I done. I’m SO fucking done with you. This is it. I’m done with it all. I’m done with your constant abuse and your stupid jokes. I’m done working for you. I’m done getting every little detail perfect because your subscribers will ‘notice something’s off’. And you know what I have to say about that? FUCK YOU. Fuck you, Mark. Fuck you and everything you stand for. Fuck your channel. And fuck this. We’re done.”

 Ethan hung up the phone. Mark took each blow and let it sink in. Damn he really fucked up... big time.

 Amy walked over, her boots clacking against the pavement as she reached Mark, who’s head hung solemnly to the ground in shame and regret.

  “Wow... The Q word’s out. You have a knack of pissing people off sometimes, y’know that?” Amy said, rolling her eyes. Mark began to speak but she raised her hand, as if ready to strike at him. “I wasn’t finished, you piece of shit. Now, I know that you’re not the best when it comes to relationships, aha, i.e. me.”

  “Amy I--”

  “BUT,” she raised her arm again, “ that doesn’t erase the fact that deep down you’re as much as an asshole as the rest of us. You need to fix things with Ethan. If you don’t, you’re going to ruin things for yourself. Don’t bear Kathryn with all the editing. Don’t make like harder just because you’re too proud to fix your mistakes. Now you drive your ass all the way over to Ethan’s house... and you fix it. Before I fix you a new face, got it?”

 Mark nodded his head, knowing he couldn’t argue with her. He headed back inside for his keys and returned to find her still standing there.

  “Thanks... I guess,” he whispered. She grabbed his arm before he went and she looked him right in the eyes.

  “And don’t fuck it up, Fischbach.” She let him go and she went back inside.

[I NEED THE ENERGY TO WRITE  A HAPPY ENDING. PT 2 COMING SOON]

[toldentops]

so uh

there’s this dude that i’ve been talking to for a bit and he was a nice guy and all but he keeps being whiny on deviantart about getting rejected by girls and he calls girls “females” and I honestly feel uncomfortable about him?? he made a journal abt how he’s been miserable and nobody likes him and the girl he liked rejected him. deadass this was the second time he asked this same girl and she rejected him again like dude can’t you take a hint?? This dude asked a girl out, she rejected him, he made a journal about “hmm maybe I should take a break” the writes another journal about how miserableh e is because he asked the same girl out and gets rejected. Honestly what the fuck man, you expect me to feel sorry for you?? then he writes a journal about how he got a girlfriend after he talked about “getting one” like he told me he was just in a rush to have a girlfriend and that honestly bothers me bc he actually confessed to me once about liking me. It was flattering, yes, but it felt so unreal and made up. He just. acts so desperate and yknow I was skeptical about him getting a girlfriend and he told me yesterday “yeah I just want one in the future” like man I get it but that’s all it seems like you’re focused on. dude, like let love come to you don’t go asking for it. 

deadass he mentions everyone in the discord group “hey im single now” and it’s like bitch????/ it hasnt even been a week and he’s just BEGGING for attention.... and I told him “buddy why am I not surprised” like judging by the was he acts in his journals and when he talks to me, he just wants a girlfriend for the sake of having one

he just makes me uncomfortable in general because every time I get onto discord he messages me like “hewwo” or smthn and sometimes I just don’t feel like talking to him but it’s like he messages me the moment he knows I’m online...

I don’t feel sorry for him one bit. First of all, he’s got to get over rejection and not be whiny about it. He’s got to learn when to just stop. I’ll say that he’s admitted to his mistakes before about rejection but the moment he said that he had a girlfriend I just kinda was disappointed. 

deadass his deviantart page says single:looking  like buddy. come ON did you not learn anything at all??

More gripes down below, I just really wanna say everything

See the first time I ever talked to him was him asking for an art trade. He wanted an anthro milotic(which I said in my commission page that I did not do) and he asked if I did fetish art.  I don’t know why I took it in, I just felt kind of uncomfortable about it. I asked him for a mlm scrafty and eelektross couple and he OK but in the description he said male scrafty and ambiguously gendered eelektross. Now, it wasn’t much of a problem but still. I had learned later from him that he doesn’t care for mlm porn, even though he was fine with gay. Here’s the thing, I wasn’t asking for porn, and if he was ok with gay ships, then he should have been fine putting “hey look here’s some gay pokemon” in the description.

He’s also said to me multiple times about how hot lesbian porn is and I’m like “OK” but it’s so clear that he’s fetishizing them. He’s got mostly female pokemon anthro ocs in skimpy outfits and to me, that’s a red signal right there. it literally says in his deviantart “i  like to slap tits on pokemon” and I’m like, OOF....

it’s just so obvious that he fetishizes women., it’s gross.

he’s also got a foot fetish and yknow at the beginning of our conversation I was like well ok, and we both shared what turned us on and there was that mutual trust but one day he asked me to share photos of my feet and just the thought of him jacking off to my feet made me really uncomfortable. Every time I draw his characters he asks if I can show their feet. he’s also asked me to draw nsfw of his characters multiple times, Although I admit I never explicitly said “no” I always said that I was busy or whatever. I was never really against it but he’d always say u don’t have to if u don’t want to” and I’d say “yeah no i dont want to” but he’d ask again at some point like bro dont’ you know how to take a hint

there was always this uncomfortable tension in the conversation, it was always something along the lines of “hey (insert sexual thing here), and then Id be like “nah man im not up to it” and then hed be like oof ok sorry if u don’t wanna do it then u don’t have to but i’d love if you did” and it always felt like guit tripping of some sort. I don’t feel comfortable talking to him and I’d never know how to directly tell him “look I don’t wanna talk to you right now” and I didn’t want to make him feel like I hated him or didn’t care about him. but the more I interacted with him the more I began to feel skeptical of his character despite the many journals about how thankful he is about the people in his life and the apologies

idk if those apologies are good intentioned or just a tactic to guilt other people into feeling sorry for him or whatever. 

So, jump to yesterday where he announces that he was single. all trust in him and his relationship just. dropped. He DID say that the girl just wan’t ready to have a relationship so based on what he told me it’s not really his fault, but just based on the way he acted he acted more liek “hhhhhH she dumped me lemme make everyone feel bad for me Hey guys i don’t wanna talk rn but i feel horrible and  lemme just disappear” instead of “well she just wasnt ready and I understood that so we broke up” 

Buddy if you were really sad and you really loved her you wouldn’t put “single and looking” on your fucking deviantart page. That’s honestly the last straw and I’ve given up on trying to deal with him. I told him straightforward “hey buddy you need to take a break” and he said something like “now’s not the time to tell me this u made me feel worse now” tell me that’s not guilt tripping. THis event is what made me tell you this, I felt the need to address this to you, listen here buddy you need to take a break. That is the point I was trying to get to him. I told him he comes of as desperate, straight and to the point. He told me that other people have told him that too. Buddy can’t you take a hint, like, at all?? 

To be fair, he does make journals saying “oh im sorry about the way I acted and I need yalls help for recovery” and my only thought is “hey maybe if you changed the way you act then maybe this wouldn’t happen again, hence me getting pissed at his “single and looking” status.

also, he kinda just turned 18 so he’s pretty much an adult. I just feel like he shouldn’t feel inclined to have a girlfriend, and the fact that we talked about nsfw stuff at all makes me feel uncomfortable.

the time when we talked were nice, but I just don’t want to talk to him or deal with him, but I also don’t want to regret it.

If anyone wants to see him journals or our conversations, PM me because I honestly don’t know what to do rn and yknow he seems to be completely over it now

the least I can do is protect his name