#I forgot to tell y’all the episodes | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mayariviolet · 1 month

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𝐏𝐭𝐨𝐥𝐞𝐦𝐚𝐞𝐚 / 𝐈’𝐦 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐌𝐚𝐧.

Episode Two of First Love / Late Spring.

summary: “You believe me like a god; I'll destroy you like I am.” // “Please don’t look at me. I can see it in your eyes; he keeps looking at me. Tell me, what have you done?” //

Some letters that were addressed to you dated before and after Suguru defected, still in their sealed envelopes.

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cw: f!reader x Geto, mentions of murder, blood, mental instability, swearing, suggestive themes, angst, Geto being over protective.

a/n: Hi… sorry it took me so long to update this my cousin died in March and I haven’t been the same since… Thank you all for being so patient! Also, so sorry if I forgot to tag someone on this update. My mind has been all over the place. Gonna also link the songs the titles are based on so y’all can see the vision fr. Also on Ao3.

wc: 5.9k

🏷️: @jeanboyjean @tacobellfreshavocado @r0ckst4rjk

August 2007

One week before he defected.

Dear Friend,

Do you ever think about that saying, "people are captains of their own fate?" I do. Then again, what about those who think they're "captains of their fate." Or even worse- a fully prepared fool who still gets it wrong. Where do these people end up? Were they predestined to fail?

Anyhow, I think I'm about to make a big mistake.

Well, I've been thinking about this decision for a while. In general, I've been thinking a lot. You've probably noticed my absent stares and maybe you said something in regards to how I look. But I'm having trouble remembering. If you didn't notice, I don't blame you. Even though I want you to notice. You've been going gone through a lot. But then again, so have I.

Yuki and I had a conversation that stuck with me. If you're wondering, it's not about what my kind of woman is. I'm still embarrassed that you overheard that. Even more so, I didn't give a direct answer. However, I don't think my coy, halfway glances at you gave away too much…

When you pulled Haibara away for something I can't remember now (I think you were asking me to come take a look at your door), Yuki plopped down next to me. She was spread out obnoxiously, and my eyes were too heavy to see her expression.

Thus, I was resigned to her rants and entertained some of her ideas. Somewhere in that conversation it brought to light some questions that had been rattling around my brain after what happened with Rika. I'm trying to push away those uncertainties.

I should clear the air right now- you did what you could. What happened or did not happen is not your fault. I will tell you that a million times- however many you need.

If anything, it's my fault for not being there for you. I will always be there for you. It might be in a way that doesn't make sense, but I am there nonetheless.

Sorry about making excuses and skipping our movie nights. Sleeping has been difficult. Maybe it's because you're not here. I don't want you to worry about me- but I also do at the same time. It's an odd feeling, wanting something or someone, having multiple opportunities to do something about it, and letting time slip you by either way.

As I'm writing this, I remember a conversation with your mom about how "right now time is your friend. But later, time will be your enemy."

Maybe tomorrow we can have a conversation about how I'm feeling. I always feel at ease talking to you.

I hope that feeling is mutual.

Sincerely and with love,

Suguru.

Four days before he defected.

Dear Friend,

Uhm, unfortunately, our conversation did not… go well. That's putting it lightly. When I told you about my plan, the expression plastered on your face was something I would carry with me forever. It was agonizing to see you look at me with such disgust.

My chest was tightening, and I could feel you pulling at my hair sharply as you braided it before letting go. Watching you stomp out of my bedroom door through the reflection of my rickety vanity mirror, I have never felt worse in my life, but at the same time, so firm in the choice I'm making—a paradox in real time.

I didn't say it in my last letter, but I'm leaving Jujutsu Society and this bullshit mission made by people who probably need help wiping their ass.

Sorry, that last part was a little profane, but I know you agree with it. I mean, what good is there in protecting people who don't even appreciate what you do? I spent a lot of time reflecting on what happened in the last year and a half, outweighing the pros and cons. The pros obviously involved you, but the cons also involved you.

There's also the fact that I spend a lot of time sitting in my dark room- until the sun is barrelling over the horizon and seeping into my blinds. I wish you had been there during those moments. I'll think about our childhood, your birthday party, how we began writing letters, the day we got recruited to become Jujutsu sorcerers and the overwhelming optimism you had.

We had an opportunity to escape that hell hole town, and we took it without even thinking that staying there might have been less painful than leaving. Sure, we had a couple of surface-level friends, but at the end of the day, we had each other.

God, I wish that was enough.

I think about how happy people must be living in their ignorance, and I get angry again. So, I write. Primarily to you, even though I never express my frustrations. I'm infuriated that no matter what we do, how much we I excorsise curses (that, if born from my own emotions, would definitely be a Special Grade in its own right), it's not enough for those gas bags.

Yes, I might be considered one of the 'strongest,' but I don't want to be, at least, for people who don't deserve it. It's annoying, though, how you've maintained your optimism all of these years.

I shouldn't say annoying.

It's endearing how you want to nurture the world I want to burn to the ground. Well, 'burning to the ground' is a little extreme. I should say I want to make the world a better place for you and me, not those monkeys.

Emphasis on only for you and me.

Sincerely and with love,

Suguru.

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September 2007

The day he defected.

Dear Friend,

Well, what's done is done. I'm leaving today. I'd like to say that I'm going without any regrets, but I have one stupid thing sticking around my head. Yaga asked if there was anyone who might be interested in accompanying me on this mission I've been assigned. He kept glancing over my shoulder.

I didn't need to turn around to see who he was talking about. You and Satoru were doing some training or something of the sort. My fist tightened when Satoru told you a stupid joke, and you laughed.

I mean, he's not that funny…

I wasn't mad that you were laughing at his joke, obviously. I was furious because, for the first time since we were kids, I felt disconnected from my body. To be honest, I've been feeling like this for a while. Like I was floating above it all, and what I saw was a future without us, me, you.

You should know by now what I told Yaga.

I'll leave my door open with a note in the hopes you can understand. Or even better yet, come find me after this mission is done.

Sincerely and with love,

Suguru.

Two and a half weeks after he defected.

Dear Friend,

Sorry I haven't written in a while. I've been preoccupied with this mission and tying up some loose ends. I'll explain later, please don't mind the blood on this letter. I didn't write for a while since I half expected to see you with flushed cheeks chasing after me.

I should've known better than to wait for you.

Alas, laying low due to tying up said loose ends is proving to be quite time-consuming. So here's a recap of what I've gotten up to:

Finished the mission (easy work)

Adopted twin girls (not easy work)

Visited our hometown

Saw my parents (not easy work)

Visited your parents (kind of easy work?)

I checked in on that grandma we used to help (unfortunately, she's sick, so my visit was brief).

I explained to my parents the predicament I've found myself in (See the part where I said 'not easy work').

Argued with my parents and then yours.

Settled into my childhood bedroom from complete exhaustion of arguing with those monkeys.

Set a plan to finish up with my loose ends…

I hope you're well. The rain is washing away any residual blood (not mine) on my things. I'll have to stop by a pharmacy to get some hydrogen peroxide to lift any stains the rain might miss.

Drink some tea, and get some sleep. If you're missing me like I am missing you, just sleep with that sweater I gave you. Although it's not me, I hope it will be enough in the meantime. In a roundabout way, it's like I'm still there holding you while you sleep, right? At least, that's how I like to think about it.

Don't worry. I'm not mad that you kept it; I always thought it looked better on you than it did on me.

Sincerely and with love,

Suguru

(P.S.) My letters will be spread more from here on out. I don't want to accidentally leave anything that might make it easier for someone to find my whereabouts. That doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you. I'm always thinking about you.

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October 2007

One month after he defected.

Dear Friend,

It feels like every time I write to you, I apologize for not saying enough. Which is funny, because that's how we I started writing letters to each other in the first place. Well, kinda. From now on, I'll keep my apologies to a minimum.

It's hard to keep track of the days that are passing, but I know that by now, Satoru has told you what I've done. It's completely necessary, by the way.

Killing my parents. Killing yours. Killing that grandmother. She was sick anyway.

I would like to think I put her out of her misery. I killed whatever remained of that god-forsaken, hell-hole town. I'll spare the details of what happened when I exterminated our my old life.

Just know that I had no remorse for killing your father and only a little for your mother. They died knowing you were okay and, unfortunately, with a smile on their face. I was surprised that they didn't immediately turn into curses. I guess you've been talking to them. Or were talking to them.

When I left that town bloodied and empty, I felt like a bird finally escaping a circus master's cage. Doing all of this will make it easier to forget. It was the closing chapter of a book I had no pleasure in reading. Please don't thank me for what I've done.

Right now, Mimiko and Nanako (the twin girls I saved during that mission) are having a hard time sleeping. I'm watching their furrowed brows and how their mouths twitch in their sleep. I guess even in their dreams, they can't rest. Sounds like someone I know knew.

In about five minutes, one of them will wake up and then another. I'll need to tend to their troubled minds soon enough. Before that happens, I will say sorry one last time. Sorry.

Knowing you, you're probably waiting up for me, probably in your room, probably waiting with Satoru, whose sweaty palms and jittery disposition betray his cool facade.

Maybe Satoru will take my absence as an opportunity to teach you about Digimon. It will be nice for you to take up another hobby. Or get into gardening again. I remember how much you wanted to start.

Eat well, get some sleep (or try to), and be kind to yourself. At least enough for both of us. Hell knows I haven't done that in a while.

Sincerely and with love,

Suguru.

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November 2007

Two months since he defected.

Dear Friend,

There was something in my last letter that I forgot to mention. It was one of the things that I told Satoru. I said that I hated righteous people- which is true to some capacity.

Sincerely and with love,

Suguru.

Two and a half months after he defected.

Dear Friend,

We're getting rain again. I realized that I might be repeating the same mistakes as your monkey parents by being too proud to lease a decent place. But things are getting harder to maneuver through what little connections to jujutsu society I have without tipping off any higher-ups. Mei Mei offered me some jobs that she said 'wasn't worth her time for the money.'

I guess I'm worthless.

But money is money, and I have two daughters now. Is it possible for curses to smell even worse when the holidays come around? I suppose so- with all the lonely people without any family to celebrate with. You can't help but think that they may have isolated themselves. I don't blame them.

Long story short, I've scraped up enough money to lease a place away from the higher-ups. Should I start looking for furniture made by sorcerers? Or should I swallow my pride and just buy some mid-tier premade stuff? Second hand? But then again- there's the issue of residual curse energy. But I could always take care of that.

I'm feeling exhausted again.

Sincerely and with love,

Suguru.

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February 3rd 2008

Six months after he defected.

Dear Friend,

Maybe it's the nostalgia, maybe it's the first birthday I'm celebrating without you, but I keep reliving that weekend prior to it all. That house in Okinawa. The moon was hanging in the sky while the stars pricked the darkness, shining brightly. Sounds of waves crashing against the rocky shore, pulling whatever footprints or human error into the black abyss.

There wasn't a cloud in the sky. You insisted that Satoru get some sleep and that we take turns keeping watch. He shook his head and stupidly emphasized that he was fine. Satoru's heavily lidded expression did very little to disguise his fatigue- both of us could tell.

I was watching you, and you were watching him. I felt sick.

Satoru suggested that you get some rest first since you planned the whole trip for Rika, and you scowled before trudging over to the couch, insisting that you weren't tired. I wanted to grab your face and kiss that annoyance away, over and over again- maybe a little more. When you inevitably passed out, I glanced over to Satoru, who looked more alert now that you were asleep. It was like the task of keeping Rika alive had the same level of importance as dog sitting.

I wondered if you ever noticed. Or noticed that I've shared that same expression since we were kids.

I guess there's no use in ruminating. Today, I ran some errands, nothing major. I had a cake that Mimiko and Nanako decorated; they started calling me 'Papa Geto.' It's sweet.

I forgot to mention that while I was rearranging some furniture, a journal that I have kept since we were kids got knocked down from a bookshelf and pathetically fell on the ground. Mimiko and Nanako bolted like a feral tanuki.

I was mildly horrified at what they might have seen (before remembering that they aren't super great at reading yet, and then I relaxed slightly).

What happened next was probably worse than some scribbled preteen angst. They found the picture of us on your birthday, where I had your birthday cake all over my face. That was the first of many years when my parents bought you a birthday cake.

My girls laughed at me (why is it that when a child laughs at you, it's exponentially more mortifying than if an adult was?) but were incredibly kind to you.

After scolding them for not respecting other people's belongings (ironic given the subject matter of the photo), they apologized and asked who the 'pretty girl' in the picture was.

Embarrassment was replaced with excitement as I got to talk about you.

Anyhow, the money I've made from expelling curses prior to defecting is depleting rather quickly, so I need to come up with some plan.

Sincerely,

Suguru.

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April 2008

Eight months since he defected.

Dear,

Dear Friend,

Spring is here, and I have taken over the former Star Plasma Vessel Church, or cult, or whatever those idiots called it. In addition to having some stable footing, there's a roof over my head that I don't have to thank some monkey landlord for giving me it. It's very cozy, to say the least. Which I think was the realtors code for 'small and borderline inhabitable.'

It'll be some time before I'm able to build a decent following, but those who decided to stay will do so for now. Mimiko and Nanako are being homeschooled for the time being- until I find a school that is okay with my standards.

I was grocery shopping the other day, and I found some green tea that you might like. Before I could even think, it was in my basket next to some sugary cereal for my girls. I was mentally shooting myself in the foot because I'm on a budget (at least for a while).

I don't even like green tea, for goodness sake. But that night, I found myself fixing two cups, one with a dollop of sweetened condensed milk and a spoonful of honey, stirred counter-clockwise. The other one was disgustingly plain, and I steeped the leaves a little too long.

I drank the plain tea, stewing in my impulsivity. The other cup was a milky brown; it was unappealing and painfully sweet, yet I found a warmth spilling over me. I must have been half asleep, but somewhere in my delirium, I thought I heard you scold me for taking a sip of your drink.

My eyes shot open immediately, and I frantically looked around the kitchen. Had some monkey snuck up on me? I shudder at the thought. But that wasn't the case. Just my mind playing tricks on me. I should get more sleep.

I hope you've been getting some, too- you need to get stronger. Anyway, I finished the rest of my tea and grabbed the other cup, which was ice cold. I poured the drink and watched it trickle down the steel sink- before crawling into bed.

I don't know why I thought that was worth mentioning.

Sincerely and with love,

Suguru.

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June 2008

Ten months since he defected.

Dear Friend,

Do you ever think about how dreams can be worse than reality? Writing that down seems silly because you know more than anyone, and considering I've held you until we fell asleep, I should know the answer. In truth, whenever I held you, I thought it would be a good opportunity to say things to you that I couldn't do while you were awake, as if these letters weren't enough!

I used to say really embarrassing things and a sadistic part of me wished you would wake up and ask me if I really meant what I said- but I digress.

It's hard to distinguish alcohol-laced dreams (brought upon by terrible dates the girls have insisted I go on) from memories. All that to say, I had a vivid dream (?) of how I think my first kiss went.

Autumn had brought about a cool night and an impulsive decision to sneak into an amusement park. We drunkenly went on this massive Ferris wheel, and you pulled out a cigarette and offered me a drag. I said no, and for some reason, we got into an argument and then sat in silence.

At some point, I thought to myself, "When will this ride stop?" then, by some miracle, it did! We sat in silence, and then I started smoking a cigarette too. Maybe because it felt cold in my dream, but the warm glow of nicotine and your body kept me warm. Then I kissed you.

Writing about this now… it's too clear to just be a dream. I hope it wasn't a dream. My youth seems so distant compared to where I am now.

The humidity is so oppressive. I feel like I'm soaking in my own sweat. It seems a little facetious to say that now. I keep recalling pockets of my adolescence. It's kind of like a gum packet you thought was empty, but when you go to dispose of it- there are actually three pieces left.

There's poetry in that somewhere, not to mansplain. Obviously.

Excuse my tangents; I'm still trying to recruit new curse users, not to mention pacifying the congregation at my Church, and my mind is so disorganized.

What's new, though?

Sincerely and with love always,

Suguru.

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September 2008

One year since he defected.

Dear, Friend,

Dear Friend,

I went on a walk the other day. The sun was just rising above the horizon, nothing was open, and everything was quiet except for the few stragglers who had missed the last train. Some of them reeked of curses and desperation; it's enough to make a person grow a second stomach and throw it back up.

I did collect some in passing (in case I need it later), but I found no joy in helping others who can't even help themselves. This is what we sorcerers were made for, right? Cleaning up shit that's not even ours? I'm getting sidetracked again.

If you're wondering about my influence over the former Star Plasma Church- it's going okay. Slowly but surely, I'll get a more extensive following. I cannot remember if I told you this, but I have decided to promote myself as a monk. I am relying on word of mouth and exorcising curses or "performing miracles," to gain some trust.

Anyhow, if I'm going to exorcise these curses, I'll make sure to get a steady income. I am a father, after all. Hopefully, there's something else to gain from that. But I can only do this for so long. Please remind me to think of a more permanent solution.

The sun is rising again.

Sincerely and with love always,

Suguru.

(P.S.) I know you can't ever remind me of anything, really, but like always I feel a little more at ease writing this down.

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December 2008

One year after, he defected.

Dear Friend,

Merry Christmas. Or, happy holidays. I've been keeping busy, and I hope you have been, too. Technically, this is my second Christmas / Holiday without you. It's still as weird as the first.

Actually, I don't know if it will ever get comfortable.

People say that the holidays are the worst for people like me. Exacerbated loneliness and the weather all contribute to an increase in curses. It's great money, but how useful is that?

I mean, you could have all the money in the world and still be miserable. Recently, I've started to gain traction from this stout millionaire who always seems to have a gang of curses around at all times.

We met by an unfortunate yet beneficial accident. Apparently, he's one of the few dimwits who can see curses. He's been aimlessly wandering about, trying to find someone to help, but no one believed him.

I was taking the girls to an optometrist appointment, and while I was finishing some paperwork, I overheard this screeching. Curiosity took over me, so I snuck a glance into the room behind the secretary's desk.

There was a massive commotion with several doctors trying to reassure that man I was talking about before. It turns out that he could see curses, and when no one was looking, I exorcised them for him. It was second nature to help someone so pathetic. He kept on calling me a miracle worker- insane! I guess I've been like that since I was little… However, he kept thanking me, and an idea popped into my head:

If I can get a steady number of people to pay for my miracles, I could make an obscene amount of money and have better insurance for separation from the higher-ups.

This man seems to come from money or considerable influence. Maybe he can be my test case. It's getting late now, so I should get some rest. I have to dress up as Santa for Mimiko and Nanako.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and a Happy Birthday to Satoru.

Sincerely,

Suguru.

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March 2009

Two years since he defected.

Dear Friend,

Recently, I went on a hike. It was okay and long. The ground was wet, and when I got home, I found mud everywhere. I'll tell you about the trail. It was beautiful. A murmuring stream, the wind dancing through the budding trees and a dusty rose sky. You would have loved the flowers. Whenever I see anything flourishing after a tough season, I think about you.

Despite being filled with tourists, non-sorcerers, and whatever, I was able to enjoy the sunset. Mimiko and Nanako had extra tutoring lessons, so I took advantage of the little free time I had. However, after being constantly bombarded with questions about anything and seemingly endless children's movies, the quiet that followed disturbed me.

Once I reached the end of the trail, I found myself eager to see my girls. But the hike was long, and I thought it would be a waste if I didn't stay for a minute or two. I thought it would be nice to take some pictures, so I did that before locating a place to sit. I found a wooden bench tucked underneath this wisteria tree (how it grew there is a mystery). My mind wandered aimlessly; funnily enough, I just now remembered we had that assignment due before I left.

I apologize for not doing my part. Do you think we could still submit it? Haha.

Anyways, while sitting on a bench, I overheard two people talking. It was a boring conversation, definitely not worth eavesdropping on (you'd probably say otherwise), but for whatever reason, I decided to tune into the tail end of their conversation.

One of them had been blurting out facts in order to keep a dead conversation going. Some of it was interesting, but most of them were things that they probably saw on a popsicle stick. Their friend nodded along, listening intently. This went on for a while until the one who kept spewing facts (let's call them popsicles) said something along the lines of:

"Have you ever thought about how we're a mosaic of every person we've ever met, talked to, or loved?"

Even though I don't know them (nor do I care to), that was probably the most intellectual thing they've ever said in their lives. I thought to myself and laughed.

But then I felt a sort of heaviness in my chest. The more I observed them from my peripheral, the more I could see bits and pieces of the habits they shared. How they playfully hit one another after cracking a joke, covering their mouth after saying something slightly offensive. It made me nostalgic.

On my way back down the trail, I thought about you. It was nearly dark now. I thought about how if I was a mosaic of everyone I ever loved:

"How many pieces of you make up my whole?"

"Which parts of me do you keep?"

I'm glad I'm never sending these letters; I'm probably better off not knowing these answers.

Sincerely and with love,

Suguru.

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November 2010

Three years since he defected.

Dear Friend,

I've realized that it's not love I felt for you but obsession. It's harsh, cruel and painful to put you through that. For me, you were never home. That much is true. Which isn't to say you weren't something. You are a temple, and I am a sinner. If I were to step into the Holy Land you so graciously keep tidy, I would only desecrate it with my ideals.

Unfortunately, I do not want to bathe in the river to clean myself of these thoughts. So, I will seek refuge elsewhere. You deserve that after everything.

Sincerely,

Suguru

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April 2015

Eight years since he defected.

Dear Friend,

I don't think I'll ever get tired of writing to you. Even though you'll never read these, it's stupid how only now have I realized what your father meant when he said it was easier to write things than to say them out loud. Time really is my enemy now. My previous letters mentioned how well Mimiko and Nanako are doing in school. I just thought I would say that again. I'm so incredibly proud of them.

Maybe by now, you have kids of your own- I know that you'll treat them with kindness rather than the contempt your father displayed. I thought about my parents again and their role in my life, but not for long.

You probably saw them as a safe place; to me, they were just there. A starting point to the inevitable destruction brought about by my existence. Did you know that I thought I could always save them? They trusted me to do so and keep you safe as well. Funny how life throws us around.

Work is exhausting, and during the slower days, I let my mind wander to the possible outcomes had I stayed at Jujutsu Tech. Would I be a teacher? Would I be a good teacher? Are we both teachers? You're a patient person- I know that you would be a good teacher. A faculty favourite. How promising would my students be? What would our daily routine be like? How often do we get to see each other in between classes? Are we still friends?

Are we together?

Are we in love?

From what I've gathered, you've taken a bit of a leave…

I'll save myself the hurt of writing the reason why. We both know, and unfortunately, I understand.

There's a storm barrelling towards the Church. Actually, they've issued a squall warning. The skies are rolling with grey plump clouds. I wish I could tell you what a squall is- it sounds dumb, but apparently, it's dangerous.

Sincerely,

Suguru.

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September 2016

Nine years since he defected.

Dear Friend,

Allies seem to come from the most unlikely places. That man I was talking about before turned out to be a great asset. I've gotten more followers and even an assistant out of it! If you're wondering, yes, it's vital.

One thing I hate more than people who cannot use jujutsu is paperwork. It takes up so much of my time. Luckily, my secretary has been doing most of the heavy lifting now. We've been working long hours together, and to be honest, I don't mind. She's smart and beautiful. Her attitude kind of reminds me of you.

Sorry about the short letters- historically, mine have been longer than yours, but I have been planning something big that needs my attention. Not to mention, Mimiko and Nanako are entering their phase where everything I do seems to make them cringe.

Years ago, I said that children laughing at you was more mortifying than adults. I still believe that to be true; however, both cannot hold a candle to the shame and quickly depleting self-worth a couple of teenagers laughing at you but promptly saying, "Oh, it's nothing" can do.

My family is growing, not in the way yours is. Or so I've heard.

It fills me with so much joy to be surrounded by other like-minded people. People who believe that in order to obtain peace or a brief period of one- non-curse users should cease to be.

My heart is overflowing- but there's still a piece where you always will be.

Sincerely,

Suguru.

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November 2017

Ten years since he defected.

Dear Friend,

Do you ever think about who gets to determine the natural outcome of anything? Is it fate? Is it man? I suppose it's hard to say since answers vary from person to person. I would like to think that it's around sixty percent individual choice and forty percent chance.

I mentioned years ago about a man who could see curses; well, yesterday, I killed him. His use to me finally ran its course. I do thank him for all he's done and the people he's brought to me. My plans are coming to fruition. The Higher Ups have been tracking my movements and expanding my influence. I bet you have already had a debrief on what to expect.

I could see how, on your end, I'm being irrational or unreasonable. But I argue that cleansing the world of non-sorcerers is the only solution. Ending their suffering will put an end to ours.

But God, what I would pay to hear what Yaga is saying! He's probably wearing those stupid sunglasses and cursing. Satoru has asked me to meet with him- probably to ask me, yet again, if I'm really going through with the Night Parade.

My answer remains firm: yes. He's probably going to tell me to stop and think about you.

Like I've said before and like I always tell Satoru, I always think about you. When I meet with Satoru, I'll ask him if he can pass along how I want to see you. The girls are calling me to take them out, so I'll perform my fatherly duties.

I hope you'll say yes. I need to see you at least once.

Sincerely,

Suguru.

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December 2017

Three days before the Night Parade of 100 Demons.

Dear,

I must be some sort of pervert to believe that you would run away with me. I don't think pervert is the right word, but that's how I felt right then and there when you rejected me. In all fairness, I couldn't think appropriately after seeing you.

Then again, you must have some masochistic tendencies to agree to meet with me. Your hair looked beautiful, and the way the cigarette burning a bright cherry red hung on your cracked lips reminded me of that night on the Ferris Wheel, which, in fact, did happen.

I came across some old letters to confirm my hazy memory. When the snowflakes landed on your eyelashes, I just about melted, like when the sleepy snow makes its warm welcome for spring. The moon was casting shadows on your tired but beautiful face. You had a glow that made hearing you curse me out a tad more bearable.

But I'm rambling. You couldn't think about going to Shinjuku, right? I could never stop you, even more so now, but I can't back down. Not even for you- which I think was detrimental for us both ten years ago and now.

Seeing you standing next to Satoru, cursing at me, with his hand placed firmly on your hips with a face full of disdain, I think I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. But that's not a proper death. You should be standing next to me!

I watched you walk away in the dark night with a sense of urgency, a new purpose. You will probably fight in your own way, but please let me do this.

I'm not asking you- I am begging you to let me take care of you one last time.

You might not believe me, but everything I have done until now, all the blood I have shed, has been for you. I promise I will spare your children (to be fair, raiding the Gojo estate would be a waste of good sorcerers), but I can't make any promises for anyone else who stands in my way.

It seems contradictory, but I know what I am doing is right.

When I write to you again, it will be something you can read- in the new world, and we will have all the time in the world. No longer beholden to curses, only each other.

Sincerely and with all my love,

Suguru.

a/n: Suguru Geto. The man that you were and the man that you became. I love you either way, my beautiful raven-haired, purple-eyed princess. We’re about half way there! Thank you all for being so patient these last couple of months🤍. Also, apologies for any inconsistencies, I have tried my best to remember the details of this story wah!

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#cw blood #cw suggestive #𝒎𝒐𝒏𝒊’𝒔 𝒕𝒂𝒍𝒆𝒔₊˚⊹🪞.𖥔 ݁ ˖📖#suguru x reader #geto x reader #geto suguru x reader #jujutsu kaisen x you #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen angst #jjk geto #geto suguru

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hogans-heroes · 7 months

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Idk how I forgot to tell y’all this but I got to see the MOTA guys on one of their press tour stops at the 92NY in New York and got to watch the first episode in the theater which was INSANE (Hearing the guns and flack so loud it crushes your bones was sobering and really made you feel like they did). Anyway, thoughts:

That really is Austin Butler’s real voice and I was not expecting that

He and Callum Turner were seated next to each other and were always talking to/at each other when answering questions like you see them do in interviews

Callum is HUGE. Way taller than he looks on screen. I was not familiar with any of them before this and was smitten with him the most right away. Was not expecting the hood London accent and I LOVE IT (since John Boyega is my other fav I must have a thing for that specific region)

The theater was mostly full of screaming girls, no surprise there. The guys were all great at engaging the crowd and talking to individuals

Anthony Boyle exudes so much Gentleman Energy, like idk how to describe it. He was also the best at improv and working the crowd it was great

Barry Keoghan is Chaos Personified and instigated most of the banter and jokes. Was always touching Callum.

Nate Mann is just adorable. And so earnest about Rosenthal he really put his all into the role.

Massive amounts of nonverbal communication and inside jokes. These guys obvs spent a ton of time together

All in all it was super fun and I can’t believe I got to see them, even if it was from a distance in the balcony XD

#masters of the air #mota #callum turner #austin butler #barry keoghan #anthony boyle #nate mann #they’re all lovely

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alwaysalir · 4 months

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90% of the discourse on s3 is people who don’t like & don’t want to understand the trope, Colin & Pen bc I have seen the wildest takes

Pen & Colin were never friends.

Like what do you mean they aren’t friends. I think some of y’all forgot that this is the Regency era and men and women were not just allowed to hang out but Colin devotes time to writing to Pen, checking in on her and admits in episode 3.01 that he seeks her out bc he enjoys her intelligence and the way she sees the world. He takes the time to look after her family & is literally the only person I’ve ever seen defend her from Cressida. They spend so much time together that he’s seen as courting her at the end of s2 but I guess that’s not friendship.

It was too fast. We didn’t see Colin fall in love.

The entire point of this trope is that it’s so slow in subtle. The show chose to deepen their friendship and show it to us throughout the seasons leading up to s3 so we can see the subtle moments over the years where Colin starts to fall in love. There is no big moment bc like in the books it’s an accumulation of small moments until one day he gets it. It’s the way at the end of s1 when he’s made to feel foolish over his ruined engagement she tells him he was brave for following his heart. It’s in the way he chooses to write to her. In s2 It’s in the way he admits that even if he’s not ready to open his heart to the other ladies he could never shut her out (I will never understand why people see this as a rejection). Like there are so many moments of them growing closer and then when she pulls it all away after s2 he feels adrift and does whatever he can to make it right bc she matters to him. Hes been falling for years you just need to remove yourself from Penelope’s pov to see it

#colin bridgerton #bridgerton #penelope featherington #Polin

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biconickyoshi · 7 months

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Okay y’all… I was very critical of eps 3 & 4 (especially 4) of NAtLA. Then all of a sudden eps 5 & 6 kinda slapped me in the face with how much better the show suddenly got.

Spoiler-free thoughts first:

Zuko, Iroh, and Aang have cemented themselves as the best parts about this adaptation - which is really funny considering I’m currently writing a longfic AU where Zuko and Iroh discover Aang in the iceberg right after Zuko is banished at age 13 and end up becoming the first members of the Gaang (albeit reluctantly at first lol). Episode 6: “Masks” (the Blue Spirit adaptation) was so good, I’d venture to say that it actually improved and fleshed out some things from the original series.

Episode 5: “Spirited Away”, while not as good as E6, was not as bad as I heard people say it was going to be. I think that the changes they did make didn’t bother me nearly as much as the changes they made in the last episode, and it was actually entertaining.

There were several scenes that made me cry in both of these episodes (moreso in episode 6, which I’ll get into further down in the spoiler section). These are the scenes that I feel like really tapped into the heart of the original show rather than feeling like a soulless remake.

Now for my in-depth thoughts (INCLUDES SPOILERS):

EP 5: “Spirited Away”

- Staring out, I was bummed because I had just rewatched the first two eps of the original animated series lol.

- It was an interesting choice to have all three members of the Gaang get stuck in the Spirit World, but I think it worked.

- Wan Shi Tong just showing up randomly was a bit unnecessary, but I suppose it will be kinda interesting to see him again in S2 since he’s already met the Gaang

- Hei Bai plays a much smaller role in these eps, but I strangely didn’t mind that either?

- Seeing Katara’s last memory with her mom was devastating, especially the fact that she had to witness her death and hide in the igloo with Kya’s charred body :(( she definitely has severe PTSD.

- Even Sokka’s memory made me tear up a bit

- Koh being the villain and a soul-eater or whatever was a bit of an odd choice, but I guess I can see why they did it. I do prefer him just being an asshole who steals ppl’s faces lol

- Appreciated the Fog of Lost Souls reference from the LoK lore

- Aang reuniting with Gyatso made me cry. I know some people didn’t like him being in the Spirit World, but I really liked it. Also, the fact that Gyatso was the first person to tell Aang that it wasn’t his fault the Air Nomads died, and that if he had been there he would have died too? THANK YOU! My poor boy has been berated enough for “abandoning” the world.

- We got some interesting lore about the afterlife for humans from Gyatso and Aang’s convo, which we’ve never gotten in AtLA media before. Idk if it’s just for Air Nomads, but Aang mentions that Gyatso stayed behind instead of “seeking enlightenment”. I know that the end goal in Buddhism is to reincarnate until you eventually achieve nirvana, so I wonder if that’s what they were alluding to (I’m not an expert on religions so pls correct me if I’m wrong)

- Oh yeah, I forgot June is here lmao. As a queer person I loved her (bc beautiful goth woman) but I didn’t like the weird choice to make her hit on Iroh - I guess to contrast the Iroh being creepy towards her thing in the OG series. I wish they would have just had them interact normally tbh, no weird “flirting”

EP 6: “Masks”

- Here we go y’all. The best episode in the show so far and probably the best the show is gonna get this season. I’m still pretty shocked at how good this one was.

- I think the decision to include flashbacks to Zuko’s Agni Kai was a good decision here. It felt like an appropriate episode for them and the flashbacks were very well done.

- In general, Dallas is doing a phenomenal job at portraying a Zuko who is angry and aggressive, yes, but also so very sweet and compassionate at his core. I love when little inklings of his true self shine through.

- Roku was… not what I expected. He was very much more of a lighthearted and jokey person… I didn’t hate it, it was just unexpected lol. I wonder if they did that to contrast him with Kyoshi. Which, speaking of, I’m glad Roku clarified that Aang doesn’t just need to be a merciless warrior (and that he didn’t berate Aang for “abandoning” the world like she did). But I still am annoyed about the mischaracterization of Kyoshi in general.

- RIP Shyu :/

- Thought it was kind of strange how June captures Aang at Roku’s temple lol. Like how did she get on and off the island??

- Zhao continues to feel like a completely different character to me lmao. I think this version is pretty funny, but it’s so weird to see Zhao being portrayed as so goofy and incompetent when he was such an intimidating force and the main villain of Book 1 in the OG series. Just a weird direction they went with his character.

- The Yuyan archers look cool as fuck. 10/10 no notes

- Still not sure how I feel about Azula already being this insecure and jealous of Zuko. I think it makes her feel a bit more realistically like a child, but the whole point of Azula’s character is that she is really good at maintaining this cool and calm persona on the surface, which she uses to scare and manipulate people. I can see her maybe getting to a point later on to where she hardens herself into that though. We’ll see.

- Baby Zuko asking Iroh how he looks and his little smile 😭😭😭😭 I had a physical “aww” reaction to that. THAT’S MY SON (me and Iroh shouting in unison)

- War Room scene was handled very well. No complaints. I like how Ozai tried to test Zuko with battle strategies.

- Blue Spirit break out scene was extremely close to the original, and it was really good. They adapted it almost shot for shot with all the important parts.

- Here’s probably my favorite part of the episode: Zuko and Aang’s talk inside the abandoned house after they escape from Pohuai!!!!!! Gahhhh I could gush about this scene all day. I love how they expanded it to be an actual friendly conversation between Aang and Zuko. Like we get to see Zuko’s true self coming through - the sweet, kind boy we know he is. Zuko and Aang just have such great chemistry as well, wayyy more than Aang has with either Sokka or Katara. Like I adored them bonding over painting and caligraphy!!! I think this is the best acting we’ve seen from Gordon so far, and Dallas did a phenomenal job switching back to that hurt, angry version of himself (of course a trauma response). And the fact that Aang said “sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you” when he blocked Zuko’s firebending attack??? My sweet boy 😭

- The final flashback to the Agni Kai was really well done too. I’d already heard Zuko fights back, which I wasn’t sure I’d like, but I actually didn’t mind it. I really liked that they showed Zuko’s hesitation whenever he did actually have an opening, and that was what angered Ozai the most - Zuko showing compassion, “weakness”. Daniel Dae Kim is of course doing a phenomenal job (no surprises there), and I really liked that Iroh actually attempted to stop Ozai at one point. It also looked like young Azula had tears in her eyes, which I again actually liked because it humanizes her.

- I loved that Aang was still there when Zuko woke up on the boat 😭 he wanted to make sure he was okay!! I full on started crying when we got the “do you think we could have been friends too?” lines from him. Again, Gordon killed it. I love how you can tell that Aang knows Zuko has been hurt and that’s why he acts the way he does. He doesn’t blame him for any of it. 10/10

- the last flashback to Zuko in his bed recovering from the burn… god the tears just kept flowing. I really liked the choice to have Ozai almost give Zuko a chance to like… idk understand why he did what he did, and how compassion is “weak”?? And then Zuko’s response to give people a chance 😭😭😭 as if I couldn’t love him any more!!! And then of course Ozai gets pissed. But seeing baby Zuko just cry in his bed UGH I’m dehydrated at this point

- Of course I can’t finish this review without mentioning the 41st division. What an incredible way to expand upon the source material by making them Zuko’s crew!!! It shows just how much Zuko truly cares about others and it moved me so much (once again to tears).

I don’t have high hopes for the last two episodes, but honestly, if this is what the live action can be, it gives me a bit of hope (at least for future seasons). I really think that Dallas, Gordon, Paul, and Daniel were the stars of this ep and are a big part of what made it so good.

#atla #natla #netflix atla spoilers #natla spoilers #atla live action #avatar the last airbender netflix #avatar the last airbender #atla netflix #atla meta #natla meta #zuko #aang #iroh #ozai #zukaang

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thewriterthatghostedyou · 3 months

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The Butterfly Effect

Chapter 3

Hey y’all! Sorry for the wait but I’ve been working more so that will come first but I hope you enjoy this chapter! Also, how are we feeling after season 2 episode one, because B&C made me feel sickkkkkk. My poor Helaena. :(

Trigger warnings: power imbalance, mean (like mean mean) Aemond, manipulation, choking (non sexual), non con acts, and light smut

You clenched your fists so hard you felt your nails cut into the palm of your hand. Before relaxing them and reaching for the buttons of his shirt.

He only smiled satisfied as you fumbled with the buttons before sliding off his outer shirt and reaching for his tan undershirt.

“Where are you from?” He finally said as you tried to avoid staring at his muscular chest.

“As I said before my prince, It’s not very well known.” You batted around the subject as you delayed unbuttoning his pants for as long as you could.

“Perhaps to someone of your station.” He scoffed, gripping your hand and leading it to his pant laces. “You can not expect me to bathe with my pants on, do you?”

You took in a deep breath before shaking your head and undoing the laces. “Besides,” He continues. “I’ve studied the lands of Westeros and beyond. Little is unknown to me.”

When you finally finish his laces you loosen the waist of his pants before allowing them to slide down, averting your eyes from below from waist.

The One Eyed Prince seemed to enjoy your discomfort as he showed no signs of rushing into the bath and instead pulled off his eye patch revealing the large sapphire he wore where his eye should have been.

You bit the inside of your cheek before finally answering his question. “I come from a place called America, my prince.”

He hummed thoughtfully as he finally stepped into the tub and slid into a relaxed position. “I have not heard of this place.”

“Perhaps you are not as apt at geography as you think.” You said without thought.

Before you could react you felt a strong hand grab you by the throat and fell towards the tub. “Perhaps you should remember who you are talking to.” Aemond hissed in your face as you were eye to eye with his sapphire. “Or I might just drown you here and now.”

“Perhaps you should.” You gasped out. “Perhaps death would be better than talking to you right now.”

He huffed out a laugh at that. “You have no shame do you? It seems like they forgot to teach you how to speak to your betters in this America.”

He brushed his nose against your cheek pulling you almost into the tub with him. You cringed as the hot water splashed against your sleeves. “We will have to work on that.”

‘Betters my ass.’ You thought to yourself and fought the urge to say since his hand was still around your throat.

“As enlightening as this has been, I will be needed at breakfast with my family.” He released you suddenly, shoving you away roughly. “You will set out my clothes for after I finish here. Make sure that they are green.”

He grabbed a sponge from a nearby side table as you instinctively reached for your own throat. “Of course my prince.” You said evenly, fighting to keep your anger at bay. Maybe you should get out the ugliest of the green outfits for him. “Will that be all?”

“Yes, you can leave once you are finished.” He waved you away dismissively.

You breathed a small sigh of relief as you realized that he did not intend for you to stay and bathe him, but you knew that this was far from over. Perhaps the only thing that saved you today was his lack of time to spend tormenting you but you would not be that lucky for long. As you folded the first Green shirt you saw in his closet you actually considered leaving your job at the palace. Perhaps the Lannisters or Tyrells were hiring a cook. You shooed away the thought from your mind. You would need a good reason to leave with a glowing recommendation and if Aemond heard of your plans what was to stop him from telling his mother what had happened?

As you left the prince’s chambers you really thought through what options you had. You refused to sell your body on the streets, alternatively you didn’t want to give yourself over to Aemond. But you couldn’t just leave the Red Keep. It paid too well for you to abandon it and you needed the money. As you strode down the halls of the Red Keep you watched as Prince Jace and Luke talked eagerly in one of them.

You were surprised to see them. In the show they had left by now and Viserys was dead, but here they were and no Kings guard was there locking people in their quarters to hide the death of the king. It seemed as if this wasn’t following the show. The thought struck you suddenly. You had no clue what was coming. You were as in the dark as the rest of them.

~~~~~~~

The rest of the day passed slowly as you were able to return to the kitchens, the revelation that you had no idea what was next on your mind as you went through your daily routine.

Naerys didn’t ask how your encounter with the Prince went and you silently thanked her for it. Instead you threw yourself into baking as you always did.

True to Naery’s word, you didn’t have to carry in the heavy sacks of flour that came in daily and you started to hum again as you rolled out a batch of dough that would turn into bread.

You had almost forgotten about your new duties when a maid that you had never seen before came running over to you with wide eyes.

“Are you Y/n?” She asked nervously as she approached you.

“I am.” You wiped your floury hands off on your apron before stepping from behind the counter to talk to the young woman.

“P-Prince Aemond has summoned you to his chambers.” She stuttered out.

“Already?” You huffed out an exasperated sigh. “I was told he was having dinner with his family again tonight.”

You ripped off your dirty apron before grabbing a new one that you had already brought with you knowing that you would need to change before tonight.

“He stormed out halfway through before calling for you.” The younger girl said. “He seemed… he seemed angry.”

You finished tying your new apron with a quick flourish before looking at the familiar girl. “What’s your name?” You asked, already knowing what it was, pausing as you took in a face that was all too familiar.

“Dyana.” The smaller girl said with a polite, strained smile. “I- Just… be careful in there. With the Prince.” She added quietly. You felt your heart break as you realized that this was the servant that Aegon had already assaulted.

“I will be.” You put a comforting hand on her shoulder as the two of you left the kitchens. “I hope to see you around.” You said kindly.

“Me too.” Dyana said shyly, before going down the opposite hall.

You made the rest of the walk in silence, walking a bit slower than you should have in an effort to give Aemond time to cool off.

It seemed like your plan didn’t work; however,as you heard the sound of glass shattering from inside the Prince’s room.

“You are late.” He hissed at you, facing an open window with his back to you.

“You’re early.” You said defensively before trying to recover. “Earlier than expected I meant.”

He scoffed at you before slowly turning around. “You are just like the rest of them.”

You said nothing and just listened as he ranted. “Always having something smart to say! Always undermining me!” His voice rose to a yell as he paced slightly.

He was volatile. Angry in a way that you had never seen in anyone before and for once you knew better than to test him.

“I was told you needed something, my prince?” You asked quietly, as he shoved his hand through his hair.

“Wine. Now.”

With shaking hands you rushed over to a nearby pitcher and focused on filling his goblet.

You wondered what had happened to have set the younger prince off so much, but knew better than to ask.

Once you finished pouring him his drink you turned around to hand him the goblet and flinched at how closely he was behind you. He scoffed at the movement before snatching the goblet from your hand and taking a long sip.

“Sit.” He waved his hand nonchalantly towards the floor as he slowly backed into a nearby chair.

“I’m sorry what?” You asked quizzically as he swung one leg over the other.

“I said sit. Are you daft as well as impertinent?”

You ground your teeth at his taunting question but set down the wine pitcher and walked over to where he had pointed before slowly sitting on the floor.

“Good.” He purred and looked down at you with a smug smile that made your skin crawl. “Tell me about your homeland.”

The demand caught you off guard and you shrugged slightly. “There’s not much to say, my prince, it’s very far away and-“

He scoffed again and you felt like you were being mocked, only you didn’t understand what he got out of this conversation.

“I did not ask how far away it is, I told you to tell me about it.” He threw his free hand up exasperatedly. “And the more you speak the less convinced I am that it is a real place.”

“It is.” You said quickly, too quickly perhaps.

“Do you think I am stupid? I cannot even find the damn place on a map and none of the Maesters know of such a place. Perhaps you are here for a more sinister reason? To murder my father or brother?” He slammed his cup down and stood up quickly as he yelled.

“That- that’s not true.” Your eyes widened and you backed up slightly as he stood over you.

“Did my bitch of a sister send you to ensure she remains unchallenged? To lower my guard with your body?” He moved faster than you, slamming you into the hard stone ground and you thrashed wildly as your head hit the floor.

“No- no one sent me! I swear!” You pleaded loudly, grabbing at his hands that were gripping your shoulders tighter than iron.

“It would be easy for you wouldn’t it?” He hissed as one of his hands slowly traveled down your chest before gripping your waist. “To sneak poison into your work?” His eyes trailed down your body as he watched you try to push him off.

“I would never!” Your eyes darted across the room looking for a way out of this situation but finding only broken vases in response. What had happened at that dinner to cause this level of anger?

He hummed thoughtfully as he stared you down before dropping his hand from around your waist to your thigh.

“Then why lie?” Your breathing stops as you feel your skirt slowly lift up.

“I’m not lying, I swear.” You felt your voice crack as he caressed your bare thighs lazily.

He hummed again lowly as he started to pull at your undergarments. “Then I suppose you would be more than willing to prove your loyalty to the crown.”

“Please.” You begged. “Please don’t.” You tried to grab at his hands but he grabbed them with his other hand and pinned them above you. “I’ll leave the Red Keep, you'll never see me again, I promise.” Tears were pouring down your cheeks as you spoke.

He ignored your cries before ripping your undershorts down sharply, exposing yourself to him completely. “And why would I waste such a gift from my dear sister?” He reached for his pants and began to quickly undo them. You flinched at the venomous tone he used for the words “dear sister” and shook your head spastically.

“No- no please I swear she didn’t send me to do anything, please stop!” You looked away as he pulled out his cock, already stiff and ready.

“So you are just a whore then?” He scoffed as he pumped himself slightly, giving you a cruel smile as he took in your disheveled state.

“N-no I’m not, my prince!” You turned your head to the side, knowing that you couldn’t stop what was about to happen but you didn’t have to look.

Aemond tsked slightly before grabbing your chin hard enough that you knew it would bruise. “No, you are going to watch as I take you.” He declared, shoving your head away before grabbing his cock again. “Perhaps if you please me well enough I’ll even pay you like the whore you are.”

#fanfic #reader insert #aemond fanfiction #aemond one eye #aemond x reader #aemond x you #dark aemond targaryen #dark aemond targaryen x reader #dark aemond x reader #hotd #aemond smut #aemond fic

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thecapricunt1616 · 7 months

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The Bear & His Honey - Chapter 9

♡ Chapter Inspo: Lyrics; Awkward (SZA) “You look at me different, so I let you see my body - now we don't seem to get along, now I regret it all.” ♡♡》》𝟙𝟠+ 𝕆ℕ𝕃𝕐 𝔽𝕀ℂ! ℕ𝕆 𝕄𝕀ℕ𝕆ℝ𝕊 𝔸𝕃𝕃𝕆𝕎𝔼𝔻《《♡♡ ♡ Summary: Carm closes his day off w/ Winnie. Winnie, Syd, & Sadie shoot the shit, and disconnect Winnies mushy heart from her hook-up antics. Carm feels rejected by Winnie not knowing the whole story, and lands himself back in a support group (by choice). Sugar wins Big Sissy of the year award. ♡ W/C: 9,444 (angel #’s purr!) ♡ Posted Date: 02/23/24 ♡ A/N: Hayoooo! I hope y’all love this chap. - Next one will be long and juicy since its the 10th… hm.. Not feelin’ very wordy for some reason. Oh!! I saw the new ep. Of The Good Doctor- I MISSED MY SHAUN MURPHY!!!! I <3 MY GOOD DOCTOR!!! Anyhoot- ennjoooy this chap frayndss :D ♡ Warnings for BTC: MAJOR talks of Suicide, grief talk, sad / insecure Carm, swearing, smoking, drinking(cant remember so just in case?), mentions of chronic pain, think that’s all.

➵ 𝐂𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 ♡

➵ 𝐂𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡 𝐮𝐩 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐋𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 ♡

.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈

Winnie’s P.O.V. -

I came back to the bedroom, teeth freshly brushed and glasses on. “Ready for some Drag education?” I joke, getting our fluffy blankets from the foot of the bed and draping them over us. “Mm drag education. Sounds fun” he opened his arm so I could lay on his chest. I laid down comfortably and he chuckled a bit.

“What?” I asked and he curled his arm around me, gently rubbing my side. “Nothin’ just didn’t realize you wear glasses” he said and I look up at him with a small smile on my lips “mmhmm just another one of my faults, eyes that don’t work” I joke and he snorts, “you have no faults” he said brushing my bangs out of my eyes gently.

“Okay enough flirting, mister” I poked his nose and leaned over him, grabbing the remote from my nightstand and turning on the tv. I went to Paramount and typed in the title, scrolling to drag race season 15 “okay…so this is last season, a lot of the queens are from Connecticut, but you’ll get the gist of it- and learn all the phrases that Sadie and I use” I said and hit play on the first episode.

“Oh! Yeah that’s why my stomach hurts” I sit up and he scrunches his eyebrows “What?” He asks “forgot I was hungry. Watch! I’ll go make the rest of the pizza” I went out to the kitchen before he could reply, and preheat the oven putting the rest of our pizza from last night on a tray and popping it in, not bothering to wait for it to beep before coming back. “Okay so, I like the cute one, the little one” he points and I giggle, “Marcia Marcia Marcia?” I ask and he scrunches his eyebrows.

“See they have weird names” he said his eyes flicking back to the tv as Rupaul came out and he raised his eyebrows ``wow” he muttered “thought he was a drag queen?” He questioned. “Not in the workroom babe, just watch” I settled back into his chest and played with his fingers, finding it adorable how he was so engrossed in it. I watched along with him for the mini photoshoot challenge and he scoffs softly “see…I hate her makeup it looks- it looks weird.” He muttered and I giggled.

“See! I told you you’d love this show” I look up at him and he rolls his eyes “you tell no one at work we watched this, I’ll never hear the end” he said and I laugh, looking back at the screen “mm well…I guess another reason to behave yourself” I said smugly and he pinches my bum playfully. After a while I started to smell the pizza and sat up “be back, lovey” I said softly, shuffling off to the kitchen. I divided up the remaining 4 slices on my plastic strawberry shortcake plates and opened my fridge.

“Carm, do you want cherry coke?” I called “Sure” he replied. I grabbed 2 cans, a few pieces of paper towel, and our plates, before heading back to the bedroom. “Irene somethin’ won the challenge-thing” he sits up, leaning against the headboard. “Got 2,500 bucks just for that. Good money” he took the plate and I handed him the can of soda and I smiled a bit.

“Mmhmm, they win like 200,000 at the end” I said and his eyebrows raised “wow, hmm. High stakes then” he continues watching along with me as we eat our pizza. We were snuggled up, at the end of the third episode and he sighs softly, rubbing my side to get my attention. “Honey” he mumbled gently and I looked up at him.

“I gotta…Y'know '' he said with a slight frown and lifted his hand to motion to the door. “Got work in the mornin’..” he said and I pout a bit, “I know…I know” I sighed and sat up, “it was nice, y’know- spending time with you..” I said and pulled on my bear paw slippers as he slipped his hoodie over his head.

“It was really nice, Win, I’ll call you, yeah?” He comes over opens his arms for a hug. I nuzzle into his chest, closing my eyes. “Mmhmm, I’ll leave my ringer on for you” I said softly, breathing in the scent of his cologne, subconsciously trying to memorize it. “Y’gonna try and come down for lunch sometime this week? Mm? I can make y’somethin’” he said and kissed the top of my head sweetly. I smiled a bit, resting my chin on his chest as I looked up at him.

“Now that I have two friends there, I’ll be sure to stop by more often” I said softly, and puckered my lips for a kiss. He leans down, kissing my lips tenderly, lingering for a moment before pulling away. “I look forward to seein’ you more, then.” He said and rubbed my back gently before pulling away. I walked him to the door, handing him his backpack after he slipped on his sneakers and once he put it on I pulled him by the straps, kissing him passionately, running my fingers through his curls, and gently tugging.

He hummed into my mouth, his hands trailing beneath my shirt and squeezing my bum in his palms before stroking my thighs with the tips of his fingers gently as he leans against the wall in our heated make out. After a minute or two he pulls away, our lips only mere inches apart. “Baby, I gotta go, yeah?” He said softly and kissed my nose. I jetted out a pout with my bottom lip and looked at him up through my lashes. “Yeah” I mumbled, and pulled him into one last hug before opening the door.

“Be free” I shooed with my hand playfully and he chuckled. “Until next Saturday yeah? I’ll be waiting to see what happens to our bunny friend” he pecks my lips on the way out the door and I smiled. “Mmhmm, don’t work too hard this week” I said and he rolled his eyes jokingly. “Mm- ye’ I’ll try” he said and I shook my head with a grin, shutting the door. I leaned against it with my full weight, and sighed deeply when I knew he was well out of earshot, sliding to the floor pathetically in a heap, covering my face in my hands.

I need to process this.

I hastily got up off of the floor, padding heavily into my bedroom, and picking up my phone off the charger. It smells like him in here - and I’m unsure how I felt about it. I grabbed my bong and a lighter, as well as my little lavender tin of pre-ground flower, and went to sit out on the balcony outside my bedroom, FaceTiming Sadie. She answers by the end of the second ring.

“Biiiitch - ok wait, you didn’t call last night so before you start- Say hey Syddd! We’re wine drunkkk” She giggled, already gone- and turned her phone on it’s side, leaning it up against god only knows what so I could see them both together and I bit my lip, trying to appear happy. Shit.

I just wanted to air out everything to Sadie but of course she and Syd are hanging out- when she isn’t with me she was with her. This was going to be harder to navigate then I thought.

I stuffed my bowl full of flower with my fingers, “hey!” I said trying to sound enthusiastic and I lit it, taking a deep inhale.

“Dude did you fuck him I need all the details like - S-O-U Winnie!!!” Sydney said and I nearly choked out a lung laughing, completely not expecting her to be so open about me being with him knowing how she’d ranted about her frustrations about him before. Sadie busts out laughing and I try to catch my breath, drool pooling in my mouth. I dashed inside, grabbing my water bottle and taking a few big chugs before returning.

“Sydney” I said once I caught my breath and looked at her, we all went silent for a few short moments, and before I knew it we were all giggling together again over nothing. “Stop! Stop stoppp we need details Winnie!” Sadie said when she caught her breath and I shook my head, unsure where to even start. “Well…Syd do you still want to fuck him?” I ask and she snorts loudly. “No absolutely not. Not anymore. I just stand that asshole at this point.” She rolled her eyes, taking another sip of her wine.

“How do you mean?” I asked, lighting my bowl again to take a proper hit. She shakes her head, playing with the end of one of her braids. “Dude, Where do I even start?” she sighed deeply, thinking for a moment. “Okay, well let’s start with the fact that he’s so fucking selfish. Winnie- the only thing, and you’ll learn this sooo fast- the only thing he cares about, is easing his own fucking- his inadequacy!!” She said, talking with her hands as she usually did when she got passionate, just like Sadie and I.

“Expand” I said after I exhaled, crossing my legs and Sadie took a big gulp of her wine, knowing she was about to listen to the following complaints for the third or fourth time over now. “Well, firstly, for starters- I’ll tell you the real reason he fucked around with that girl Claire. Because it’s what Mikey would’ve wanted him to do. Same reason he opened the new restaurant. Because he only cares about proving to himself that his brother would be proud of him. But- but he doesn’t even want to be happy! When that is really what Mikey would have wanted, I mean- right?” She asked and I swallowed thickly, nodding a bit.

“N-no. No you’re right and - yeah that’s his biggest issue so far” I said and she laughed, covering her mouth. “Sorry sorry it’s not funny it’s just…wow he hasn’t even behaved himself? Hid it? Like…” she took a deep breath to steady herself. “Winnie- I love you. You know tha, right, really. ” she said, I nodded quickly, my chest tightening. “He’s not a person to get involved with. Even for the dick. Even if it’s good which- I can’t say I haven’t thought about it - but you’re a sweet person Winnie. And as much as you want to think he deserves you - despite him being a little bitch. he does not deserve someone like you - period. Because he will forever push you away. We know how you are, and we know better than you know how he is. So, this will be my one and only warning about him - do not get involved.” She said and I bit my lip, nodding quickly.

Don’t get involved further, Syd wouldn’t lie just because she wanted him for herself. She really, truly loves me, she’s one of my best friends.

I stare off into the distance, that thought bouncing around in my thoughts and the entirety of the day suddenly feeling…wrong. “Ok so now that we got that out of the way- how was it. Like is it big? Also how…like good is he?” she asked and I sat back, sighing softly. “That was another…downfall…even though it’s not even really a downfall!” I shake my hands for emphasis. “It’s literally- he’s so good like…well- he’s not pussy eating champion 2024 but” I said, earning a giggle out of them.

“I was riding his face while we were 69 so it wasn’t like bound to be the best for me - but anyway he is huge! Like not long, but thick” I said, lighting my bowl and taking another hit. “Cut or uncut?” Sadie asked, causing me to snort, smoke coming out of my nose and I coughed a bit. “Guys - Italian Catholic? Cut” I said matter-of-factly and Syd laughed. “Okay but - please don’t tell me he has all that rage and doesn’t take it out in the bed?” She questioned and I shook my head.

“He's actually like…shy? Even in bed! But he’s so hot you’ve seen him shirtless, right Syd?” I asked and she nods “oh- yeah. Of course. So…what like virgin shy?” She asked and I bit my lip slightly as I thought. “Kinda but like- he’s done it - but it’s been once or twice and that’s it like he got all his bases covered, practiced everything a few times - and that’s it, but when he commits he commits and he listens oh my goddd!” I close my eyes thinking about it and Sadie laughed.

“At least he knows how to follow directions in bed if anywhere good” Sydney said while taking a sip of wine and I laughed. “Ohhh my god! Oh my god. He’s like- low key a sub but I’d neverrr tell him because he’d never let me touch him again, I know it.” I went inside, closing the balcony door and setting my bong on my dresser before sitting on my bed. “Well yeah but I mean- wow” Syd blinks in surprise, taking in what I’d said. “Wow.” She hummed in thought and I laughed.

“What?” I asked “well- I mean like I said multiple times he’s an asshole at work, so with how brute and bossy he is, I like assumed he’d be like ‘get on your knees slut’ kinda guy? That was my fantasy anyways“ she mocked Carmen and I burst out laughing, “oh my god I wish” I said gasping in laughter. This is exactly what I needed. I needed to rip the bandaid off, because I knew Carmen wasn’t going to keep his promise, how he acted before we took a nap solidified it. He hates being with someone more than once.

“I wish. I had to beg him practically to tell me that he liked what I was doing. Like, isn't praise the first thing in porn?” I roll my eyes, petting Persephone as she jumps up. “Wait- wait- you had to tell Carmen Berzatto how to do something” she laughed, her head falling back. “Dude- oh my god! You are my saving grace. I am so glad I never slept with him. I'd have been so disappointed!” she said and I snorted. “That’s what I was gonna tell Sadie when I called actually… I mean- like I said he follows directions sooo well, but I wanted him to throw me around a little and he didn’t” I shrugged, picking at my nails.

“So if he asks, will you see him again?” She asked and I nibbled the inside of my lip nervously. “We had like…. We cuddled and stuff I’m never-“ swallowed thickly, my heart beginning to ache- remembering how attached I’d really felt to the day we’d had together, underneath all the anger I was feeling that he was so emotionally guarded. “I’m not doing that again- ever with him. But he has a really nice dick- we fucked in the shower?” I laughed and Sadie and Syd burst out laughing again.

“And ohh my god. The most dominant thing he did was like spank me- I don’t know what came over him! I was like oop!” I giggled and Sadie snorted, Syd leaning over the table in laughter. “Sooo he made you finish?!” Sadie asks and I nod “oh yeah- I mean. Like I said. He listens really well he just needs to be told what to do.” I said. “So he fucks like a puppy?” Syd teased and I rolled my eyes, laughing a bit. “In a way. But it’s like- he can learn. That’s why I’m kinda like…” I sighed softly, looking away.

“I dunno..I dunno” I shook my head and sighed a bit. “The Carmen Berzatto effect, welcome.” Syd said sarcastically and I rolled my eyes. “But he- he’s…so sweet” I sighed, playing with the ends of my hair. “And…like- I dunno. I’m slipping back into my old ways. I want to fix him” I rolled my eyes at the realization and rubbed my face.

“Wooooow!” Sadie drawls “holy shit! Well maybe you aren’t slipping because I’ve never heard you come to that realization before you run yourself to the bone for someone who can’t be fixed.” Sadie said and I sighed deeply, knowing deep down she was right. “What if he does the work?” I asked hopefully, “he won’t. He like- I dunno I don’t wanna say he hates himself, but he hates himself. Like any sense of good in life he crushes it for himself because he thinks he works better if he has nothing and he’s always chasing something.” Syd said and shrugged, her voice even and calm.

It was about an hour and a half of me divulging nearly every detail of the night to them other than the intimate details of Carmen telling me how many people he’d had sex with before we were all talked out.

I swallow thickly. “I’m just- I’m gonna shower guys. I love you Syd, thanks for not being mad at me. And…I’m- I’m sorry. I’m sorry for doing that.” I said honestly and she shakes her head.

“Honestly, he may be happy this week cause he got his dick wet for once- so he might not be such a terror at work. Just…sleep it off. It was once, Winnie, but I promise- If you let yourself get involved further, he is going to hurt you. We didn’t even get anywhere and when he cut me off cold emotionally after Claire? I felt like a fucking nutcase. It’s for your own good, just - forget him, okay?” She said and I nodded softly.

“Love you” I replied before hanging up

.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·.

Carmy’s P.O.V. -

After my night with Winnie, I slept peacefully- the first night. I had a nightmare, and I only threw up once opposed to the 2 or 3 times a night it usually occurred. But by around 8 am when everyone started showing up, all of the questions were making me anxious, and it was generally pissing me off that Richie, Tina, Fak, Sugar, it felt like everyone except for Syd was up my ass.

I stood at one of the stations, chopping up onions and garlic for a stew that Tina was working on, doing absolutely everything in my power to not think of her. This was why. This. The fact that her face was the first thing I thought of when I got up. The fact that every fleeting thought is somehow weaving back to her. I could not do that again. Just the simple fact that I was sleeping better after seeing her once gave me unending anxiety.

If I keep fuckin’ around with her, Shes gonna leave. Or she’s gonna be taken. Or she's gonna realize I'm not good enough. Or she’s gonna find someone better.

I dropped the knife on the cutting board with a slam. “Goin to smoke.” I mutter to Syd as I pass by and shut the back door a little harder than I meant to. I leaned against the cool brick, trying to catch my breath. I felt over my pockets, finding my cigarettes, but - my fucking light. “Fuck!” I mutter to myself, rubbing over my face roughly.

This is exactly how it fucking started with her. Me losing my damn lighter.

I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut and shaking my hand, trying to ground myself.

You fucking pussy. Get it together. You hooked up once you are not attached. You aren’t fucking attached.

I tug at my hair, remembering the feeling of her beneath me, the softness of her sheets, that fucking mug. I leaned against the brick wall, taking a deep breath. I took out my phone, cursing myself for a small part of me hoping she’d texted me, since I was too pussy to say anything to her last night or this morning. I stared at my text messages, my eyes falling on my conversation with sugar.

She’d sent me some “anonymous group therapy” shit about anxiety and she told me she thought it could help me. I'd brushed it off until now, but talking this shit out like I did with Mikey to people who weren’t allowed to repeat it- it sounded like it would feel good. I clicked on the lick, licking my lips nervously as it opened and took me to the page.

Anxiety/PTSD ANON: Monday evenings at 6:00PM-9:00PM at St. Anthony’s Presbyterian Church.

I furrowed my eyebrows a bit, PTSD. I hated when people would tell me I have PTSD. It’s so stupid- I’d never been to fuckin’ war. Or been raped or whatever. Being yelled at for being an idiot doesn’t constitute PTSD. But, considering people with PTSD are probably going through real shit, I’m sure it would feel easier to spill my guts to them then someone perfect like Winnie.

I sit up off the wall, heading back inside and I look at Syd “yo- c’mere” I nod to the office and she follows, I shut the door. “Goin, on with you?” I asked, putting my hands on my hips. She raises her eyebrows, “nothing? Why…” she questions and I narrowed my eyes slightly. “You’ve avoided me today. So again what’s up.” I asked and she shook her head, rolling her eyes slightly.

“I don’t have time for this, Chef,” she said and sighed a bit. “You know what I’m talking about. You were on my ass Friday about me wanting to get out early and you were dying to know why- and you come in on Monday it just skips your mind?” I shrug, crossing my arms.

“Look” she snips, taking her hand off the doorknob. “I don’t know what you think is going on, Chef. But I’ll have you know- I’ve had zero interest in your personal life again, until you started sneaking around here with one of my closest friends- and my cousins, who’s more like my sister- her best friend. So let’s just say, after the conversation she and I had-“ she looks at me pointedly.

“An honest, open, friend to friend, girl to girl conversation, Carmen- you will have nothing to worry about me, and my interest in your “personal” life - anymore.” She said and left the office with a slam. I felt my heart sink to my stomach, fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuuuuck. Fuck.

I could hear a ringing in my ears and my vision blurred slightly. I get the familiar feeling in my chest and sit down, clutching my head in my hands and spiraling into one of my episodes.

My “personal” life. Ouch. I knew after what happened with Claire things had been…different between us- but I didn’t think she cared. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I tug on my hair, my eyes screwed shut and breathing labored as my thoughts continue racing.

Fuck. What did - did she tell her? Did she tell them about- oh my god I’m such a fucking moron. Of course she did. Of course. That’s- Winnie’s best friend- oh my god why did I trust her. Fuck. And - and she thinks I’m gonna fucking hurt her. She knows I would hurt her.

“Sour things give you something to focus on”

Her voice rings throughout my mind. I took a shaking breath, opening my office drawer and grabbed one of the sour warhead things I’d gotten on the walk home after that night with Winnie, and popped it in my mouth. I cringe at the sensation, but immediately am pulled back, for now.

I spit the candy in the garbage can after a few grueling moments to be sure I got the full effect, before pulling my phone out of my pocket. Before I knew it with shaking hands, I was calling Winnie. After just 3 short rings the phone clicks and I sit up a bit

Please leave a message after the tone for - Heyy it’s Winnie, I can’t talk right now, if you wanna leave me a message cool- but I’m better at texts. Ciao! *beep*

I took the phone away from my ear, quickly hanging up. At the sound of her voice I felt like I could breathe again. I bit my lip gently, considering texting her and telling her to call me back- but she would if she wanted. I shook my head, setting an alarm for 5 to remind myself to leave for that group thing, before locking my phone and heading back into the kitchen.

.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·.

Winnie’s P.O.V . -

I went to the back around 5, finally finished cleaning up after a story hour today. It was Sadie’s day off and Mel was out sick so I was running the store alone, I barely got a break to take a piss let alone have a quiet thought to myself from the moment I got here.

I sighed deeply, rubbing my bad hip that was driving me nuts today. The only thought that had been running through my head was how much I wanted to see Carmen. I was kind of grateful that the store had been so busy today because if it had been dead slow I’d probably have just locked up and gone to find if he was out for a smoke every few hours hoping I’d get lucky.

It took me a while to finish cleaning up after the littles, and vacuum the whole floor considering the aching pain in my hip that was reverberating through my thigh and knee all the way up to my ribs. By the time I was squatted by the vacuum, in the back of the store, rolling up the cord it finally gave out on me and I collapsed to the floor in a heap, my head landing in my purse under the desk. How convenient.

“Fuckin shit” I muttered to myself, knowing it would be at least 20 minutes before I would be able to use it again. I huffed, sitting up and banging my head under the desk in the process and groaning “ow” I whined, rubbing my head and leaning on my hip that wasn’t throbbing intensely. After a minute or so I dug through my purse, pulling my phone out. I scroll through the notifications from the day, Tik Toks from Sadie, news reports, a few texting ads when I see it towards the middle of the stack.

Carm🧸 1 missed call

I swallowed thickly - why was he calling me in the middle of the day? I checked our conversation to see the last text that was sent was still from when I’d told him my apartment number. I bit my lip gently, going over to Twitter to try and forget about him. I scroll through different posts, liking some of them, until my hip finally feels well enough again to try and stand.

I slowly shifted my weight on to my good side, gently lifting my hip and letting out a small cry at the shooting pain as I pulled my knee up to get my foot in a standing position. “God fucking damn it” I cried out in pain as I haul myself standing, my arms shaking in pain as I lower myself as gently as I could in to the desk chair. I took a heaving breath, wiping away the tears from the corners of my eyes and swallowing thickly. I was absolutely not going to make it 2 blocks on this hip tonight.

It had to have been all the exertion of the shower with Carmen, mixed with not sitting down only for 30 minutes today while I read to the kids. I rubbed my forehead in frustration, opening up the Uber app and seeing since it was ‘peak pricing’ it was gonna cost me $40 to get from the store home, and I do not have that kind of money.

I groaned, sitting back and thinking to myself if trying to wait it out would just get me in a worse position of being stuck here all night because Sadie has no car or not eating dinner for the rest of the week, since my groceries were dwindling and I didn’t get paid until Friday. I huffed, “no, I can fucking make it” I muttered, I pull myself up, nearly screaming at the pain screaming at me to stop, and yank my jacket over my arms.

With shaking hands, I got my keys out of my purse, flicking lights off as I limped, every step feeling like my leg was about to fall out like a Barbie that had never been properly popped into place. I groan quietly in pain every few steps, barely being able to lock the door from how violently my hands were moving. I looked both ways across the street, knowing it wasn’t long before a car came along. I try to take as big of strides I could into the alley.

I honestly didn’t give a fuck if I ran in to Carmen right now, I was not walking an extra three blocks in my condition just to avoid him. I lean against the wall, feeling that familiar shaking in my bad hip like it was telling me it was counting down before it gave way and barely got to the steps outside of the bear's kitchen door before collapsing with a grunt, the pain vibrating through my spine at the fall.

“Fuck” I whine, stretching my leg out in front of me. The faucet behind my eyes gives and my eyes are suddenly blurring with tears and I’m muffling sobs into my hand. The pain, the day I’ve had, and the worst of it- I’m stuck in the one place I don’t want to be. What kind of stupid desperate bitch will I look like if Carmen comes out to see me crying on the fucking steps of his restaurant.

I swallowed hard, doing my best to pull myself to my feet but my hip had locked and it was no use. With shaking hands I take out my phone, and the door creaks open behind me. I quickly dry my tears as best I can “uh- I'm not here to see you I- I’m going home I’m sorry” I mutter.

“Winnie the Pooh?” A slightly familiar voice said and I looked up to see Sugar standing there, a confused look on her face and I started to laugh to which she started looking concerned. “Oh!” I sniffle. “It’s you. Don’t tell Carmen I’m h-here” I hiccuped a sob and she furrowed her eyebrows, “no he's- wait” he shuts the door and sits next to me.

“Why you cryin’?” She asked gently and I shook my head “oh my god it’s- I-“ I wiped my tears again. “My hip…I got in an accident when I was 19 and had to get my hip fused, and they did it wrong so it’s all fucked and it just..hurts” I said and sniffled. “Okay why- why don’t you want Carm to know that?” She asked “did he already fuck up?” She said with a teasing smile and nudged me playfully.

“No- no he. Carm is…” I look at my feet. “Carm is wonderful. But he- he doesn’t want…what I would want, you know?” I look at her, still a bit teary eyed. She nods a bit “Y’know…Carm…somethin’ ‘bout that kid, he doesn’t allow a lot a’ good things…and” she rubs her hands together in thought, looking down for a moment.

“I think you’re right, but it’s what he needs.” She said and looked back at me finally. “I won’t…get in the middle of this. But- just know, Carm could really use a girl like you around. He left early today…he told me he was feeling like it was too much and he needed to go think about shit. He’s never done that. That tells me you are getting to him to take care of himself. So if it’s a Carmen thing, pushing you away? Sometimes with that kid you have to force him to see what he’s missin” she got up and extended a hand to me.

“What’re you doing?” I asked “cmon. Takin you home. Can’t live too far if you’re walkin’, right?” She asked and I smiled a bit. “You seem like a really good sister” I said softly and she smiled big. “Y’know. I always wished I had a sister, I don’t think either of my brothers have ever told me that'' she said, tucking her large purse into the crook of her arm. I crinkle my brows ``ok..well Carm and I will be talking about appreciating you because you give great advice” I grab on to her hand.

She giggled a bit as she hoisted me up and I quickly balanced myself on the railing, my hip still barely functional. “Woah!” She said, wrapping her arms around my waist tightly. “The car is right there parked in front- think you can walk?” She asked, concerned. I nodded quickly “yeah- yeah. I might need to like…lean on you” I said, my cheeks going pink with embarrassment.

“Course! C’mere chicky” she wraps her arm around my waist and I smiled a bit to myself as she helped me limp to her car. “You hug like Carmen” I said softly as we approached the passenger side and she laughed, “don’t tell him that. He’s always said I’m too ‘touchy’ since we were kids” she pulled open the door and I slowly got in, the pain in my hip dulling significantly when I sat on the plush seats of her SUV.

She gently pushed the door closed, coming to the drivers side and hoisting herself into the large vehicle. “Trust me- I totally get it. I have 2 kids, my hips or my bladder haven’t been the same since” she said jokingly as she started the car.

.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·.

Carmy’s P.O.V -

I tried to take a deep breath, staring pointedly at the church in front of me. My dark gray knit sweater was suddenly feeling itchy all over my exposed skin, even though my usual white work shirt was still layered underneath. I pulled at the collar of the offending garment, roughly itching my collarbone at the sensation of a tickle just under my chain. Taking a final drag of my third cigarette just standing there, I throw it to the ground, crushing it with my sneaker.

You can turn around- you can just get back in your car, and go home. You don’t have to do this.

The devilish voice bounces around in my head. I’m unsure what got me to drive here, what got me out of my car after sitting there for 15 fuckin’ minutes, but suddenly I was planting my feet up each step into the grand wooden entrance of the church.

Turn around. Turn around. Turn. around.

My entire body screams for me to run as I step into the welcome hall. This confidence to change so suddenly has to be the effect of a mostly-full nights sleep- thanks to Winnie of course.

Stop fucking thinking about her.

I’m met with a folding easel, a plain piece of white printer paper with an arrow that points to the left, reading ‘PTSD/ANXIETY ANON’ in large bold letters. I swallowed hard, staring at it intently.

Leave. Leave. Leave!!!!

The voice in my head was so loud that in my rested state, it drove me to push against it. To deprive it. I headed down the hall, the only sound being my sneakers tapping the tile floor and the loud fluorescent lights buzzing above me. My eyes fixed on a bolded sign at the large honey-stained wooden door just at the end of the hall, taped to the wooden frame. “ANXIETY ANONYMOUS” typed in bold letters on the same 8x11 printer paper and taped to the easel out front.

I took a deep breath, blinking my eyes shut hard out of habit, thinking about what I was about to do- before swallowing back the anxiety and my hand felt the icy touch of the handle, pulling down and pushing it open. I met the faces of about 4 other tortured souls, staring blankly back at me. “Uh” I mutter, standing in the doorway feeling like a total idiot.

“I-is this th-the.” I bit my cheek fucking word stumbling moron. “The fuckin’ anxiety anon meeting?” I spit out, trying my best to swallow the nausea rising in my throat from the crippling fear of meeting new people. A woman with a short bleach blonde bob, sitting in the corner at a large desk looks up.

“Oh!! Joy. A newbie!” She chirps, standing up and walking over, standing a few feet away. “I’m Claire” she said happily, and the protein bar I scarfed down my throat earlier begged to make a grand

reappearance.

“C-cl-?” I tried to grate out, swallowing thickly and my cheeks feeling so hot I was sure I could light one of my cigarettes on them.

Run. Run, RUN - Carmen!!! Find the fuckin’ bathroom, slink out like it never happened. Bad idea. Bad idea. Horrible idea.. Moron. Idiot. Stupid. Useless.

“Claire!” She repeats happily. “Are you alright with handshakes, dear? What's your name honey?” She sticks her right hand out to me confidently. My gaze meets her hand, and I swear my vision went blurry. I stumble back a bit. “Ba- bathroom” I muttered quickly, the feeling of vomit creeping up in my throat.

She gently pushes me into the hallway, grabbing the small trash can with her right hand and shutting the door behind her tightly. I ripped the trash pale out of her hands quickly, hurling my protein bar and whatever bile and water my stomach held for the last 6 hours In to it, squatting pathetically in the hallway against the wall and she stepped a bit closer, charm bracelets jingling as she rubbed my back while I wretch so hard I swore for a second my organs would fly out of my mouth.

“Christ kid” she muttered, her nails gently grazing the small of my back as she rubbed soothing, small circles. “Know a Claire, mm?” She asked matter-of-factly when I finally stopped heaving, my brain fully empty other then fuckin Winnie reading to me last night. And the story of the stupid fucking bunny.

“Yes- b-b-sh-she“ I tried to get air into my lungs, but instead my chest forced me into a painful gasp. “N-no- used to…” I dry heaved over the garbage can so hard I dropped to my knees on the cold tile, and was sure I'd either pass out, or die of embarrassment at the pathetic sound and sight, feeling fully like a sniveling child. Unfortunately to no avail.. I gasped in a breath so violently, the sudden pressure in my lungs made me feel as if I was really about to pass out.

I leaned against the cold wall, catching my breath before continuing. “I- I- fuckin” I winced at the pain in my stomach, my face clenching up slightly at the pang reverberating through every muscle in my body due to the intensity of all the emotions I was feeling at once.

“Fuckin... I crushed on ‘er as a stupid, idiot kid..but fuckin hate ‘er now..“ I sniffle, mucus getting caught in my throat, causing me to choke and cough so hard over the trash can that my lungs burned.

“Breathe, kid” she said, patting my back. “In through your nose and out through your mouth” she said and demonstrated a calm even breath. I rested my face on my arm, doing as she said, and finally catching my breath. “S-sorry I haven’t eaten much t’day and smoked like half a pack” I said and she nudged me gently. I look over and she’s holding a tissue, “thanks” I said wiping my mouth and nose tossing it in the garbage and leaning against the wall again, sighing deeply.

“C'mon, you can just listen today if you don’t feel like talking. We have water bottles in there for ya’ “ she said, standing up fully and extending a hand to me. I nodded a bit, taking her hand to steady myself as I got up. She took the trashcan and tied the bag, leaving it in the hall before opening the door. “I’m..sorry” I mutter, shaking my head.

“No! No happens all the time. Don’t worry” she said and opened the door. “Well gang, it’s us plus one newbie!” She said and handed me water from the counter at the side of the room before going to her seat and I swallowed thickly, sitting down on the furthest chair from everyone else, setting the water bottle on the chair before wiping my clammy hands over my jeans and swallowing thickly. “Alright” she said, sitting down with a clipboard. “Are there any big things this week that we need to start with?” She asked, I kept my gaze fixed on my lap.

“Yes- uh…my nightmares came back..” a small voice said and I looked up to see a girl with mousy brown hair and a deep scar on her right cheek. Claire nodded “did you want to share about them?” She asked her and the girl swallowed thickly. “No- no. I just… it’s about dating again after what happened. I can’t- I can’t. I’m always looking over my shoulder, I feel like a freak. It’s hard enough dating girls- and I- I have a hard time texting. And so when I meet them in person, I always catch them staring at me. And… and like I can hear their thoughts. Like ‘who is she hiding from’ or ‘I bet she has a secret girlfriend.’ And I - I’m so paranoid.” she huffed.

“I’m sure all of us here have felt paranoid after a trauma, and especially, when experiencing something new, the feeling of…waiting for the other shoe to drop. Is very common. Especially if it relates back to childhood, those wounds linger for a long time. Has anyone else been feeling paranoid?” She asked the group. There was a silence for a moment, I took a deep breath, finding my tongue.

“Me” I said, rubbing my thighs to soothe my anxiety. There was that familiar tightness in my stomach and my heart was thrumming in my throat. “Oh! Did you want to share more about that…sorry, how should we address you?” She asked and I kept my eyes locked on her, trying to forget there were other people there but still not wanting to sit alone with a shrink in an office.

“Carmen'' I said and she nodded, “okay, Carmen- did you want to share what you’re feeling paranoid about?” She asked and I sniffled, rubbing my lips together nervously. “Ye’ uh, I met a-a girl. Last week. And I haven’t stopped…thinkin’ about her? Like. I dunno. I have sworn off women quite a while ago.” I rub my chin, eyes gazing to the floor nervously.

“Okay, so what are you paranoid about?” She asked and my eyes flicker back to her. “So uh- yeah. S-sorry. Sorry. So uh- I work in a-a restaurant. And I run it, with my cousin and my sister. My second in command though, she- she knows this girl. And uh…I don’t know what’s been goin on? With me? And I…I like her. That’s-that’s why I’m paranoid. Cause I don’t…I can’t do girls and she-“ I sigh deeply, clearing my throat.

“She told me that she wouldn’t pressure me?” My eyes met hers again and she nodded. “Okay, so you’ve felt pressured in relationships in your past, and are worried it will happen again?” She asked and I thought for a moment, rubbing the back of my neck.

“Yes? Well…no..no not from her. I-I’ve been very pressured to like someone before and it was hell for me. B-but…that’s the thing is I trust she won’t pressure me. And I- when I’m around her, I’m not fuckin- im not fuckin like this? Like I- I can think, and I can breathe and…so-so-so if it’s not” I shake my head. “I feel so different around her? That’s why I’m paranoid.” I said finally. Claire sits back in her chair a bit.

“Okay, so you’re paranoid she’s going to leave?” She questioned. I shook my head a bit, “no- no that’s the thing is that the shoe always drops for me, I already fucked this up by just being me. My- one of my chefs, Syd. She- she’s friends with this girl and…and I think she told her about all my…fucked upness. She-she warned her that im a fuckin’- a fuckin loser. I just- and I didn’t even want to allow myself to feel this way which is why I’m so scared cause I- I feel like- like.” I shake my head.

“I feel like she’s good for me though. I-i just know I’m bad. I’m- I’m fuckin selfish. I would be a horrible boyfriend. I’m fucking insane I- I think. I wake up every night fucking throwing up. I- I obsess over things, and I just keep pushing and pushing until I get it how- how I see it in my head. B-but with her it’s like…I want to see? Where things go? Y’know? L-like I. I want her to show me…it’s- it’s stupid never mind” I shook my head looking back at my lap, pushing my bangs off my forehead nervously.

“Well in here, no one is crazy. I think you’re paranoid of having no control over your emotions, Carmen. Which is perfectly normal. We can’t control anything in this world, other than how we react to our feelings about things. So, let’s delve deeper into your current self image- what comes to mind first when I ask why you’re selfish?” She asked and I shrugged a bit.

“I fuckin’ shut the beef down, knowing it’s not what Syd wanted, knowing it’s not really what anyone wanted except for me. Because…cause Mikey left it to me. And- and I was like…I am fuckin’ angry at Mikey. And it was like- like a fuck you. Watch me do it better then you ever fuckin could” I said and run another hand through my hair at the realization. “Cause I fuckin’ - I only care about provin’ to myself that - that maybe I’m not a fuckin idiot. That I’m not useless.”

“You aren’t an idiot, and you are not useless, and it sounds like you feel selfish- because you’ve found yourself in a pattern of catering to others desires. How do you feel about your own desires, Carmen?” She asked and I shook my head a bit.

“No- no that’s..that’s what I’m saying I’m selfish. I - I’m a fuckin control freak at work everything is done my way, everything is tweaked to my standards, I don’t care what other people have to say about the re-“

She cuts me off “no- not your desires at work, in your life. Outside of work. In your relationships, friendships, personal goals? What do you desire your life to look like when you retire?” She asked and I swallowed thickly, my mind going blank.

“That is a great topic for today, desires. It is extremely hard, especially after a traumatic event or even years of incurring trauma, and then allowing yourself to desire. We may feel selfish as Carmen does, after we incur tragedy in our lives- to feel joy again, or allow new people in our lives because we are afraid that if we desire while we are unhealed, then we were never really damaged to begin with.” She said and a guy sitting a few chairs away from her clears his throat.

“I uh- yeah I relate a lot to what Carmen said about feeling selfish..after my brother died I stopped doing…everything I loved.” I look over at him, sitting up in my chair slightly. Cause I felt like if…if I’m happy then I don’t miss him? Or..or like. Like if I think about our good times together and loose the anger I feel about him killing himself for a few seconds- I feel like��like I’ll never stop thinking about what the fuck our lives would have been like if he just talked to me.” He said and crossed his arms. I sit up a little further in my seat.

“Mikey - he was m-my brother. He killed himself too” I said and he looked over at me, “I’m sorry…older or younger?” He asked “shit- yeah sorry I should have led with that I’m sorry too. He was- he was older…” I replied and he nodded, swallowing thickly and looking away.

“You couldn’tve done anything. I fuckin failed him though. He was younger” he muttered and I furrowed my brow shaking my head. “Nah. Nah don’t fuckin’ say that shit about yourself dude. Both of our brothers did it to themselves. That's one thing that we’re not responsible for. I’m- I’m angry that he- I needed him. Just like you needed your brother” I said and he nodded a bit.

Claire cuts in “it is normal to feel angry at a loved one for committing suicide. It’s also completely normal to feel guilt for that anger. Jack, it sounds like the anger you’re harboring for yourself, for not ‘protecting’ your brother from himself- is covering up a guilt you feel for a perceived responsibility to the reasoning behind your brother's passing.”

“I’m fuckin angry.” I shrug. “I’m fuckin- pissed at Mikey.” I said and she looked at me. “A question for you to ask yourself, Carmen, are you angry at Mikey or are you angry about the choice he made, to end his life, and leave you behind to forever miss him. Because they are 2 separate things. One is your brother, and the other- is a stupid choice he made. A choice that altered the lives of the people closest to him forever. He made the choice to have his legacy be one that ended in pain, and suffering for those who love him most. That choice, or Mikey - your brother that you clearly love very, very dearly.” She asked.

I felt a lump forming in my throat, blinking back tears and I looked over to the clock.

“Let’s circle back, yeah we have about 5 minutes left. This week's homework for you all, I want you to do one thing, or speak to one person” she looks to me for a moment “that you desire, and it’s guilt free, because you aren’t giving yourself the permission, I’m giving you the permission, and next week- we’re gonna talk about how it made us feel alright?” She said,

“Alright. Hopefully I’ll see you all again next week. Same time and place per usual” she got up and went over to the desk grabbing her bag. I got up, grabbing the water bottle and quickly darting out of the room and back down the hall to the front door. I shoved it open taking a deep breath as I went down the steps 2 at a time back to the parking lot.

I am not fucking going back there ever again.

I shook my head to myself, but realized that I didn’t feel…like I was gonna have an episode. Er- panic attack like Winnie called it. But rather than everything I’d buried about Mikey felt like a hardened scab to a barely healed wound had been picked at and messed with for a while. It was an extremely uncomfortable feeling. This is why I stopped going to AI-anon. Talking about it hurts more than just focusing on other shit and forgetting about it when I can.

I dug my cigarettes out of my pocket, taking one out and lighting it, leaning against the car as I smoked. I don’t know why Sugar keeps telling me that it’ll get better if I just talk about it, every time I talk about it I’m fuckin realizing shit. And I don’t like realizing shit. About myself. About Mikey. I’d rather just…fucking work. Just work. But I also hate work.

I’m brought out of my thoughts to the same blonde that irritated the scab which felt permanently fused to my soul. “Spirits huh?” She said and I looked over at her. “Yup” I mutter, taking another drag.

“I get it. I get it… if you don’t want to talk to me outside there it’s fine. I just wanted to say, I’m proud of you for opening up, good job. You should be proud of yourself.” She took a pack of Marlboro reds out of her purse and a blue lighter.

“Thanks…” I said, watching as she took a drag. “No offense… but I kinda feel worse?” I said and she laughed, smoke spilling from her mouth in a cloud. “None taken my friend, none taken.” She said, waving her hand in front of her to clear the thick puff of smoke. “That’s good actually, really good. It hurts before it helps” she shrugged, taking another drag.

“So- wait the fuck did I do t’you?! You wanna hurt me before you help me?” I questioned, pulling on my own cigarette. “Nothing oh my god!” She laughs. “Nothing Carmen! Oh jeez” she giggled slightly. “You need to come back, shut out the voice shooing you away” she said with a teasing smile and I rolled my eyes. “Sorry, not interested in ripping open old wounds when I’m already not able to process the bullshit I’m facing now.” I look at the ground, taking a long drag.

“Mmm. Alright.” She shrugged casually, dragging her own and exhaling without a beat. “ what?” I asked her, dropping my cig and crushing it with my sneaker. “I…don’t care?” She laughs a bit. “If you want to stay in the mental prison you’ve created, so be it, Carmen. But- I’m here! Every week for the past 11 years” she retorts, tossing her cigarette into a puddle over the parking lot barrier.

“Nice meeting you, kid. Word of advice-“ she turns to me as she pulls her driver's side door open. “Do the fuckin’ homework, mm?” She sits in her seat, starting the car. “That girl you mentioned, whatever her name is- I may be a shrink - but I’m also a spouse - the way your eyes sparkle when you talk about her? That's your wife, if I never see you again? I hope you’ve gone and got her.” She pulled her door closed without another word, backed out of her parking spot.

I felt a vibration against my hip, pulling my phone out of my pocket in case it was one of the employees and checking who it was. My throat dries out as I listen to the marimba ringtone, staring at my screen, my mind going blank.

Winnie 🍯 Mobile

The slide to answer button practically laughed at me.

.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·..·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈

➵ 𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫

#the bear fic #carmen berzatto #carmen berzatto fanfiction #the bear fx #the bear hulu #carmen berzatto fluff #carmy berzatto #carmy berzatto fanfiction #the bear fanfiction #carmen berzatto x you #carmen berzatto smut #carmen berzatto x reader #carmen berzatto x oc #carmy berzatto x oc #carmy the bear #carmy berzatto x reader #carmy x reader

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ninja-knox-ur-sox-off · 2 months

Text

Okay it’s been like a week i think that’s a decent amount of recovery time, I think i’ve about worked through it, I think i’ve pieced myself together at least a LITTLE

SO, lets get this show back on the road, maybe i’ll get more than one episode in this time WE’LL SEE

WHATISUPEVERYBODY WELCOME BACK TO ANOTHER KNOX REACTS POST WITH A LOT CAPS LOCK AND A LOT OF KEYSMASHES, ITS GREAT TO SEE YOU HERE AGAIN, LETS GET STARTED

Spoilers for Monkie Kid season 5 episode 2 ahead

MMMMMMMMM OKAY SOOOO THIS ONE’S CALLED COLLAR THE KIIING.GOSH. WONDER WHAT TAHT COULD BE ABOUT. [looks at trailer] [looks at camera]

okay, listen, i got mixed feelings about using the circlet again, I mean, I dunno what it is, might be something pretty different, but the OG circlet was kinda like… as much as i like use it for angsty purposes, it was a big part of Sun Wukong’s journey. Bro had very little self-control, was quick to violence, you could say—what’s the word…. —allegorically??-wise it was kind of something to give him a reason to hold back. After he no longer needs that, he’s completed his journey, that circlet, disappears. Because he has that self control now, he’s ascended to buddahood or however you say it. (To my understanding at least.) So whipping it out as a way to snipe the OP character—I dunno man. I feel like something different could’ve been done. Especially since, to my knowledge, that kind of… will-bending thing is reserved for Guanyin to give out, rather than, some random guy. Like you can’t just dish those out willy nilly. Who gave him that? Bro we haven’t even started the episode save me hG;LKAJWEF I just think maybe they don’t know what to do with a character as OP as Sun Wukong sometimes, they do everything they can to snipe him, so he can’t do anything, and it makes him feel pretty useless. But like?? They seem to have no problem with Mk because bro as some pretty world-shattering looking powers at this point, and they ain’t sniped him yet, aside from his crippling anxiety and terror and all that.

… I dunno. We thinking. I PROMISED NOT TO TRY AND FILTER MY THOUGHTS SO Y’ALL ARE GETTING THE WILD UNFILTERED GARBAGE IN MY HEAD AT YOUR REQUEST SO GODSPEED HGL;KSDAFJAOWEF

Also, about the last ep, before I press play. I still think, Pigsy was off. Voice acting and writing. Like, is it character development to slowly erase a characters personality aside from how they care about another character? I don’t know! You tell me! I’m only one episode in! This’ll probably changed i don’t want to look like too much of an idiot so we’re going to get started! LEGOOO

The theme song still hurts me. They just.. REALLY like their tilted angles. Like SO much. Like… i just need to watch this with my head tilted to the side. It’s really bad. Listen, I’m all for a tilted angle here and there for some impact, but almost every new piece of that rigged/puppet animation in the theme song is all tilted in the same direction. It’s tripping me up, and I honestly don’t really like looking at it. GUYYYYSSSSS I’M TRYING HERE I’M REALLY TRYING |;A;/

OOOO HELLO VOICE ACTOR

BRO HAS A NICE VOICE. WHO IS THIS? I DON’T KNOW ANYONES NAMES HAHA

Okay, I will say, I do have one positive thing to say about this new animation and that is that they like, the backgrounds are still pretty decent. Like, they’re definitely missing the flair Flying Bark had, but they aren’t too far off. I will say tho, okay, I forgot to put a disclaimer I’ll add that later, but for now we’ll say a little something here. I realized after watching the first episode of this season, that the reason I fell in love with Monkie Kid, is because I fell in love with Flying Bark and their energy and their love for what they create. Even if this new studio pours they souls into this new season, I don’t think i can ever care about it the way i cared about the first four, because the reason I fell in love with it, is no longer here, the soul of it has changed, even if the writers stay the same. Like, we’ve had the writers change a bit once before, but the soul of the show stayed the same cause Flying Bark stayed the same. Now, that’s not the cause but ONCE AGAIN THOUGH, IT IS TOO EARLY TO REALLY TELL, this is just my thoughts right at this moment. Bro i haven’t even reacted to the episode i’m just uNLOADING NONSENSE I’M SO SORRYIGNS;DLFKAMWEF

MOVING ON GENTS SKIP AHEAD SKIP AHEAD

Y’know good call, it is pretty funny that these three monkeys always seem to be in the middle of trouble. Not to bring up HP but like, it does remind me of a scene I remember distantly watching with the whole “why is it always you three?” Little funny

OKay

OKAY

INAHLES.

Another tilted angle, hi buddy, has anyone counted these? We should count, just for comedic purposes—

I do think like… I’m so sorry, I’m so used to hearing what I want to hear while watching these, so when they’re falling, and I see Mk, I expected to hear him like, yelling but we only get that once he like… hits the ground. I do like the landing noises. Woof i’m hyper analyzing all this sound design now that i know the sound design people changed or whatever. Wowza. We in unfamiliar territory booooiiiis.

YOU KNOW WHAT MAKES ME SAD?? YOU KNOW WHAT MAKES ME SAD— wow i’m 47 seconds in and i’ve paused like forty seven timeslKMGOAWEF— ITS THAT I’LL NEVER SEE MONKEY KING’S REAL HYPED UP BITS IN FLYING BARK’S ANIMATION. I’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO SEE WHAT HE CAN REALLY DO WHEN HE’S NOT HOLDING BACK WAILS. LIKE THAT SMOKE BEGON MOVEMENT? This is hard guys, i am such a visual person, I am strugglingggggg HG;LKAJFWEF I WANNA LIKE IT, I REALLY DO, I’M STRUGGLING

Okay yeah reaction right uuhhhh undersworld kings!! ten of em right? HEYYY GUYYSSSSS HOW’SA GOING, I CANT’ BELEIVE WE GET THE TAKEN TO COURT EPISODE, JUST IN THE UNDERWORLD INSTEAD OF IN THE CELESTIAL REALM RIP GKS;LJAFAMWEF

helpHELPGN;LSKDFA;OWEFIM HELP?? KAY KAY HOL UP

CACKLES

CAKCKLES SO LOUDLY

So either

writing error

listen, how did Mk know he was in bed… unless he was awake… when Pigsy carried him… upstairs… I’M JUST SAYING FOLKS, I’M JUST SAYING, HOW DID HE KNOW? HE SUPPOISEDLY FELL ASLEEP MID-NOODLE-EATING, HE DOESN’T KNOW HE’S IN BED, COULD HE HEAR THAT WHOLE ILY SON BIT?

If I close my eyes this aint’ so bad— CRIES WAILS I’M FINE

Anyway, point is, i’m saying Mk was in fact awake during all that. He just decided to pretend to be sleeping so Pigsy would carry him or something CACKLES

ONLY STRIKE WHEN YOU’RE ASLEEP—HELPGMLKASFMSDF Y’know I still think SWK in fact drunk himself to an early death still, silly little head canon, rather than falling asleep bro just was like alright folks i’m an alcoholic wdym you can’t take me down there i’m alive— whew its hot, there is a HEATWAVE HERE, AND smoke so we fine we fine AHEM ANYWAYS

SO WHAT I’M HEARING

IS MK’S SLEEP-DEPRIVATION, KEPT THESE GUYS FROM CALLING

HAHAHAHA

Also wow, Macaque talks like he wouldn’t be deathly afraid of these guys. Isn’t this the same dude that was willing to turn on humanity for the Lady Bone Demon if it meant not dying again???? ??? ??? But he’s gonna get huffy with the underworld kings????? Bro

Swk is a fashionista real Cool robes so true

Okay cool monkeys are

in court

WHEEZEKLMGOAIEWFM

OH OH

KAY

LISTEN

I HEARD SOMEBODY

DRAGGING THEIR SSS’S

HELLO

I HEARD THAT

I KNOW HWAT YOU ARE

I KNOW WHAT THIS

THAT MY FRIEND IS SOMEBODY

THE VIBE IS DIFFERENT

ARE YOU ARE SCROLL STEALLING FELLA IS THE QUESTION

I might be out to lunch on this I’m just thinking about that medusa haired bird snake lion turtle creature thing and I’m thinking one of these guys, is that guy. Jusssssayin

Anyway wow I gotta go back and process words now

Okay

Cycle

….Right

Cool

Cccccycle

Yeah

squints

That aint’ sus at aaall

hmmm Harbrrriingggerrrr

Also wait yeah, speaking of the pillars of the universe or whatever HA I NEED TO WATCH THESE BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE ONCE AGAIN STARTED TO REBLOG MY POSTS WITH SPOILERS IN THE TAGS, I SAW A CONFIRMATION ABOUT PILLARS OF THE UNVIERSE SO IG I WAS RIGHT ON THAT

THEORY TIME BEFORE WE CONTINUE LETS GO

MK DESTROYS THE PILLARS OF THE UNIVERSE BABYYYYY

OOOO OR HE’S MEANT TO

HAHA

Could you imagine

Y’know my bros and I had a theory about Mk being made as like, a way to take down monkey king, the entire universe is just the next step of that theory ig haha MOVING ONNNN BBYYYY

Okay

OKay i laughed a little

i still think some of the dialogue sounds awkward, i don’t know what it is. Um Sean still giving his best performance here tho thanks bro we love and appreciate you. I did laugh because it is funny they re-summoned him. I do find it interesting that no one seems afraid of Sun Wukong. Like…. they make all these references to stuff he’s done, but no one really respects him, or vies him as an actual threat? I mean well, clearly they do if they gonna slap a circlet on him. But its like… bro ripped his way out of here last time, and y’all are gonna??? Not be nervous?? I dunno. Monkie Kid really likes to take sun wukongs backstory and kinda… giiiiive a lot of his motivation to other people so he’s just… acting for others rather than for himself, if that makes sense??? Like with Azure, they had Monkey King being manipulated into attacking heaven, rather than his pride getting a kick and him wanting respect and all that and y’know prideful hours. Among other things. Like I get this is a kids show but man he feels watered down at some points, he really is just a silly goofy guy in this version, who everyone thinks is out to get them, but they don’t fear or respect him. …its weird. I dunno. Its a weird way to do it, Iv’e been thinking about that for a while, but its really apparent to me right now, perhaps because i’m not distracted by GOD TIER animation. Who knows.

Y’all i am having TOO MANY THOUGHTS

Moving on I got a backlog of nonsense this is just dump for all my thoughts godspeed to anyone who doesn’t hate my guts and my takes by the end of this LOL

We love swk looking smug about every crime he’s ever committed. I do like that they let him keep that at least. So he did that on his own yayyyy

Similar crime huh? Funky

Scroll of memory was stolen

-_- y’know at least they got one thing very right from jttw, absolutely BOGUS accusations from the celestials against monkey king 24/7

SOMEBODY GET MK OUT OF HEREMGS;ONWAIOEFM

Its a dream so he get the suit

Monke y c o p c o u rt ro o om a d d i t i o n i cannot you guysGN;LKAWEFM;AFE

Macaque’s face when mk asks fort the charges is comical yeah

Swk looks about ready to go back to dreaming about peaches

Sniffs

“yOuR aCtiOnS” shut your mouth king guy clearly you’ve never stepped foot outside in your fancy pants robe go touch grass

“we should leave” YEAH GERAT IDEAKLMGOIFAWEF

okay so this is the part where they slap the circlet on then cause they gotta stop swk from bodying his way out

sighs

SIGHS

well on the bright side, monkey king angst real ig

I’m Stil having a \REALLY hard time looking at this new style my brain is dying, ITS NOT CAUSE ITS BAD ITS JUST CAUSE ITS NOT THE KIND OF STUFF I LIKE, ITS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I LIKE EXCEPT I CAN’T BLOCK THE TAG ON TUMBLR BECAUSE THIS IS THE SHOW NOW [face in hands bro] So happy for everyone who’s totally unphased by this change but mAN this feels so different to me feels like coming home and someone moved into your house and replaced all your furniture and yeah its the same house but its not—

face in hands bro

YEAH CUASE THE MONKEY KING IS JUST GOING TO STAND THEIR LISTENING TO THIS GUY INSTEAD OF MAKING A DOOR WHEN HE SAYS HE’S GOING TO, LIKE

Y’know what i liked about flying bark? THE FACT THEY DIDN’T DO THISKLGMAOSI;FMAEW I’m so sorry guys I got gourmet animation and now i’ve got regular food it just is not the same and I am struggling to adjust because i miss flying bark. I didn’t have points where iw as like wow, they really just stand there and listen to this instead of taking action, but this is all standing and listening and no taking action which i guess could save on animation budget but BOY do i suffer for it I DON’T LIKE IT WHEN THIS HAPPENSSSSSS

I may be overlydramtic about this, its okay just hit me with a bunch of pool noodles guys i’m fine—

Y’know with the amount of time these take me to watch i really am probably only gonna be able to do like one a day n;LKGMASF

I pressed play

“We have brought a power even greater than yours”

and then i was so deadpan because i was like here we go circlet time (sidetone, the colours i don’t like something about them, I don’t like it, its off, its not pretty) and then Nezha pops out and i literally went

“WHAT?”

HELP?? WHAT??

“HAHHAH THIS is your big scary?”

sniffs

Okay fr the dialogue is off

its very off

whats going on guys

whats happening

is this cause the writers are being rushed?

bro i dunno

I might be losing my mind

oh heyyyy it’s Nezha’s daaaaad

Also what.

Tell me WHY (aint’ nothing but a mistake—) Nezha is here, when he kNOWS these guys were not responcible and DID IN FACT HELP SAVE ?? STUFF?? HE WAS THERE??????? I’m questioning… some decisions…..

nEZHY GH;LASKFJASDF

Okay

THE WAY I LAUGHED

Li jing I don’t actually know how to spell his name

IS NOT THAT POWERFUL

BRO??

JTTW

??? HAVE YOU READ IT??

MONKEY KING KICKED HIS BUTT??

HE WENT CRYING??? TO THE JADE EMPORER???

my hand is over my face

I cannot

why

tell me why (ain’t nothing but a mistake—) monkey king seems nervous

the pagoda thing is that what its called? the building that was used to snatch and hold people prisoner i remember a version of a jttw show has them snatch all his monkeys in it and use it to blackmail him into surrendering, i can see what that thing might be a problem but LI JING???

Sneezes

I laughed

again

they made

him the

I’m fine we’re just gonna move on

Well—

Okay well actually he can be replaced. that’s his…. whole thing. He… he gets replaced… eventually… and the cycle goes on. That….Am i remembering that wrong? Y’all i might just be out of date with my lore memory here i

sniffs

I don’t like him

go away Li Jing—

Oooooooooooooooooooooooiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiii need to get over the animation. It is NOT like i have mad skills its HARD to do, i need to just get over it, but monkey king pointed and that finger is so pointy what happened i’m so

its fine

I’m fine

They’re so severe

OBJECTION

WE’RE GUITLY UNTIL PROVEN INNOCENT

Ohhhhhhhh so they went

you can’t see my face rn but i sure a making one

so they went, he’s boss man now… so he can… do that….

sniffs

I dunno man

circlet was form of like… not to say that pain is a good… thing to do, but like… its the only language that monkey king knew how to speak when he was trapped under the mountain and at the beginning of the journey. “this is wrong” “HA SO?” “okay well, if you do this you feel pain” “okaywaitwaitwait—“ like… it was a form of mercy (hence Guanyin) because otherwise, he would’ve gotten thrown under the mountain cause he hadn’t “chilled out enough.” So… I dunno. Like wildly misused by triptiaka but i doubt Guanyin gave this one to Li Jing because its not about bettering its about collaring and leashing. I dunno duuuuuuude. Angst is spicy but like…. I’m having a TIME here HGLK;SADFJASFD

Once again

You’re telling me

MACAQUE

would realize whats happening

before monkey king

you think

monkey king

wouldn’t know IMMEDEATLY

what that guy is talking about

AND DIP

INSTANTLY

to get away from that

not like bro was tied down he really is just standing there waiting for that thing to be slapped on

This is something

it sure something

I WANNA ENJOY THE CHARACTER MOMENTS BUT EVERYTHING ELSE IS GETTING TO ME I NEED TO LIKE WATCH IT AGAIN IN ORDER TO APPRECIATE WHATS HAPPENING OR SOMETHING RAA It’s fine, its fine, I’ll probably process around episode five and be fine and move on. i hope. probably

ALSO WAHT YOU CAN JUST?? SLAP THAT ON FROM A DISTANCE?? MONKEY KING HAD TO PUT THAT ON HIMSELF IN JTTW—

I need to let jttw go a bit if i’m gonna make it through this season;LKGMAW;EF THIS IS SEASON 4 ALL OVER AGAIN WITH SOME OF THISGLKS;DF

Okay, maybe i am stalling a little bit because i know there’s going to be screaming and that is gonna be WILD

well there might not be we’ll see

“aww macaque was running up to stop it—“ yeah i love that we get only macaque reacting and not the guy who’s literally gonna be experiencing intense pain, and we see NONE of his horror we see macaque instead.

….

as a monkey king fan this upsets me— NG;KLAWMEF;A

LISTEN I’M GLAD MACAQUE FANS ARE EATING

I AM STARVING

it’s fine, if i saw monkey king making horrified expressions i’d probably just start missing flying bark its FIIINE

WE’RE ONLY THREE MINUTES IN SAVE ME I’M CRYING ON MY HANDS AND KNEES TAKE ME AWAY FROM HEEEEEREEEEE

LISTEN I WILL TRY AND BE MORE POSITIVE MAYBE AFTER THE INITAL REACTIONS AND ONCE I’VE PROCESSED MAYBE

WOUGH

okay time for screaming probably

you know what i’m gonna try

i’m gonna try watching with my eyes closed

and see if that makes a difference for how i feel about this

just for like a few seconds

just gonna try

beaST WATCH YOUR MOUTH LI JINGOHHHHH WOW YEAH SCREAMING WOW

wwwwoah

Sean went wild there okay hey man wow i can see why he was being all wow this seasons wild guys wow

sniffs

cool beans

me two years ago would be FEASTIN on this angst

maybe i’ll be feasting again once this all converts to flying bark png hGLK;ASJDF

watching again with visuals

. . . . i don’t wanna sound mean. like fr. they worked really hard, they have a totally unrealistic set of deadlines to meet when making this show cause lego is STUPID but like… i liked it better with my eyes closed. Like, seeing the visuals, I aint’ feeling it. IT DOESN’T FIIIIIIIT THE EXPRESSIONS DONT’ FIT THE SOUNNNNDDDSSSSSSSS RAAAAAAAAAAAHGHDFLKJSDFJJF FOAMING AT THE MOUTH

Listen I appreciated Flying Bark SO MUCH while it was animating Rise and Monkie kid. I gushed about them to anyone who would listen, i made an ENTIRE YOUTUBE CHANNEL JUST SO I COULD POST AMVS ABOUT THEIR ANIMATION, I APPRECIATED THEM TO HECK AND BACK. And i STILL feel like i should have cherished them more while i had em because this is just…. like every other kids show that you see when you slap on the tv on a treehouse channel or something actually i’ve seen ones i like more u h hhhh like again, i’m not saying its bAD, i’m just saying i don’t like it. Not my vibe

Y’know i feel a little bad cause i know i’ma be disappointing some of y’all by not like… being like OHHH DANNG BRO WAHT WHAT WHAT?? CIRCLET WHAT?? MONKEY?AUGHAUGHAA?? cause like that’s what i should be doing?? THATS HOW I SHOULD BE REACTING??? This change is like effecting me more than i expected ig dang

Alright sorry guys, half of this “reaction” is just me working through my stages of grief WHEEZEKLMG;LAKSDFMASDF

MOVING ON

alright mk monkey up and get em outta here

Also why not just circlet all of them to be safe? like realistically—

au where— nah i’m kidding

OH YEA MONKEY UP KID sniffs

SNIFFS

SCREAMS

i’m fine

holding hands and being reassuring despite being in immense pain to comfort Mk? HA

I’M FINE

I gotta say though, I don’t feel Mk’s panic…. I’M SO SORRY FOR THIS BUT COULD YOU IMAGINE??? IF FLYING BARK HAD DONE THIS???? WE SAW THE LADY BONE DEMON EPS THIS WOULD HAVE LIKE DESTROYED ME

<— having a moment

WE’RE FINE

OKAY

continue

I do appreciate, Monkey King’s absolute dedication to Mk, it’s interesting. I think the dynamic is interesting. Mk is just…. incredibly dedicated to monkey king, and monkey king is INCREDIBLY dedicated back. Only seems to care about how Mk’s doing. He just wants to make sure he’s okay. And that’s great. It actually works a lot better on Monkey king than it does on Pigsy. Like it feels like everyone is VERY suddenly touchy and like… the mentor father figures are hugs and gentle touches and carrying upstairs, and i dunno its throwing me off a little. With PIgsy specifically. Lost his gruffness i miss that part of him a lot. I miss pigsy guys. Fr tho i do think it fits the monkey a bit better, even if howwww…. long the touches are is new and feels p sudden

[scratches neck] dunno. we got mixed emotions here today folks!

Mk calming down immediately

OH SO NOW HE SAYS SOME—

-_-

y’know i don’t know if i like this.

bro came in looking like he knew exactly what was gonna happen, says absolutely nothing. And then gasps BELATEDLY after the circlet is on—its just… the pacing is all over the place, the characters reactions are delayed its yanking me out of the… like i CANT’ GET INVESTED WHEN ITS SO JARRING?? like bro they—HUIH????

its fine

whatever, gotta let us know Nezha ain’t the bad guy or whatever i get it

only four minutes in monkie kid gods save me

okay i laughed out loud

THEY JUST SLAPPED THEM IN A BOX

AHAHAHAHAHA

THERE’S CHAINS HANGING

AND THEY DONT’ EVEN USE EM

ouughhfffff i can’t look at that for too long it is OOOOFF

oooooooOOUGGGH THIS IS A CHOICE

tighter???

rubs face

HUH????

I ain’t feeling it foooolks

bro should be having a panic attack i’ma be reaaaal, like, play dumb, lighten the mood, we know he does thiisss BUT “i really really didn’t want to wear one of these again” feels like bro is just wearing an uncomfortable “i’m stupid” hat

OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO I GET ALL THE PUNISHEMNT AND YOU GET TO MOPENGLKASMFAOWEFM

Hey how did i predict this conversation but more emotional? y’all should go check out the comic pebs made of that THIS WHY PEOPLE KEPT REBLOGGING THAT WHILE TAGGING IT AS SEASON 5 SPOILERS OH MY GODSGN;MLASFAWNGF;OIAWMEFSAFE

I’m blessed by Apollo y’all i’m blessed

suitably distracted now

okay this is a weird arguement now

no kay it

I’ve had to re-listen to this exchange like four times to understand it mAYBE IM JUST SLOW NOW?? Macaque and Wukong’s arguments are really……….. interestingly worded??? i dunno, i’m having a hard time processing them n all that

love how mk just goes right back to trying to get it off and wukong doesn’t even react G;LKAMWEF

GOES AT IT WITH THE STAFFG;ASLKDFMAWEF

oh hey wassup nezha

Mk appreciates Nezha thinks he’s so cool, get ready to be disappointed in the dude— /j/j/j

TENSE IN HERELGKMSFOAIWEFM

It’s not that tense, also why is it tense?

Y’all should have heard the sound i just made while making strangling motions with my hands

MK FEELS OFF WHY ISNT’ HE LIKE… MK-ING Y’KNOW WHAT I MEAN?? he feels like he’s just avoiding rather than… IS IT WEIRD I FEEL LIKE A LOT OF THE PERSONALITIES ARE MISSING?? WHATS GOING ON??? Its’ the same writers whats going on DO I REALLY NEED EXPRESSIONS TO UNDERSTAND AND CONNECT TO CHARACTERS THAT BADLY??

Save me y’all

Oohhhhhhhh

Y’know

girl bringing mic closer to face meme thing yeah that was me looking at the bits of hair getting swept out nice move mr the king ily

I do love Nezha dropping by i think its great

Monkey King making fun of him as always we love to see it, Nezha reacting and totally missing whats going on again, we love to see it, bro keeps getting beaten by monkey kings hair BG;LKAMWEF HAHAHA

DEMOTED LOSERRRRR

okay

okay i made a little OOAWWWWWWWW sound that’s actually super cute bUT ALSO WDYM YOU’VE LISTENED TO MONKEY KING EXPLAIN THINGS BEFORE AND ITW AS FINE—

Kay listen, I do appreciate the family bits in this, but it also feels like they’re forgetting about a lot of development that has happened, so they can go LOOK HOW MUCH OF MK’S DADS PIGSY AND TANG ARE ISN’T IT CUTE? and i’m like… brother…. brooooooo my duuuuuuuude it is but can you do that without… blehOKAY ANYWAY

MOVING ON BEFORE WE GO ON ANOTHER TANGENT I’VEB EEN HERE FOR A LONG TIME ALREADYGNASLKFMSDFM

tellin us about the pillar explaining it, appreciate that thanks, hhhhhhhhoooold up so like… someone’s trying to destroy the pillarrrr…. and they need…. mk? to do it? maybe? I dunno man we just spitballing here

SEAN SOUNDS SO DIFFERENT HELPGMKL;DAMFASDF

huh

that’s funny

while they’re explaining the story or whatever there’s a mortal that has me’s haircut but with a bun

haha

i’m sure that’s just me

and not indicative of any mk being a being who has existed before around the same time that something was broken haha NOOOOO

yeah yeah i know this story mended the pillar cool stuff

WHHHHAOOOOh what why does he sound like that? WHY IS HIS VOICE SUDDENLY SO HIGH MACAQUE????? MAC?? Is this the sound design again? I am so thrown by so many things right now save meee

Sure is suspicious

Nezha never has any idea whats going on when Mk or wukong are in the room

Macaque is used to shenanigans by now he grew up with the great sage

Mk being chaos incarnate and not just ADHD sure is funny

is this an allegory for neaurodivergency— /j/j/j/j

oop another tilted angle hey its almost been three minutes!!!

….y’know how i always used to just get this ray of sunshine from mk like just, absolute positivity and goodness? I ain’t getting that no more the vibes are LOST

and a pain crown on’s head THAT’S NOT BEST FRIEND STUFFKMSLDF

AHAHAH HE GOT EM

HE GOT HIM

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I’M A CLONEGLKMSAF;OAWEMF YESSSSSS

CACKLES

AHAHA DOUBLE TAPPED DOUBLEELKMG;OIFMAWE

DOUBEL GOT

GOTTEM TWICE

what did that remind me ofOH THOR AND LOKI

AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA

hey that’s fun

The way Nezha has watched these guys fight tooth and nail to save the world and still wants to slap em back in jail is hilarious to me

Also this feels like a fake out villain season now

like PSYCH YOU THOUGHT NEZHA’S DAD WAS THE BIG BAD?

WELL I GOT NEWS FOR YOU ITS NOT HIM

just because of that bit Mk said n all that making me squint

ALSO THAT DUDE THAT WAS DRAGGING HIS SSS’S I’M TELLING YOU ITS THAT GUY WE ALREDY KNOW ONE OF THE UNDERWORLD KINGS IS SKETCHY

Jailbreak kid hours

Okay i will say i loved Nezha’s VA yelling Wukong its a great vibe he’s doing amazing

Y’know i just can’t sometimes with these celestials

i love monkey king laughing joyously while spears are being thrown at him i think that’s very wukong

oh hey they did a team up move that looked like what Lupin keeps describing in the battle team up moments with them all the time stares

this guy thinks he’s the main characterKLMG;AWEF

CACKLES

I SUPPORT ALL OF MONKEY KINGS CRIMES

HE SHOVES THEM BOTH OFF THE SIDE OF HEAVEN

OKAY SANDY SOUNDS WRONG TOO

HE SOUNDS WRONG TOO GUYS IT CAN’T JUST BE ME

Sorry Sandy nothings’ built to last around these monkeys

Macaques scarf over his face i think its funny how fast we went from actual threat macaque to introvert hiding in a scarf macaquehG;LAKJWER

Okay a little bit of snappy pigsy there but ONCE AGAIN HE SOUNDS WRONG, okay so the like… yeah probably the sound design or something they’re missing something in their voices i dunno what it is but its driving me nuts it feels like they changed all the voice actors but Sean’s sometimes

….Y’know it really feels like they’re just trying to force discord between monkey king and macaque with no reason and with like… no actual emotional argument buildup?? its just yeah monkey king gets mad at him this fast and macaque mouths of constantly. this from the guy who followed them around for the samadhi fire like, I dunno man

“what if we really are chaos”

that was far too specific a line to not mean anything down the line what now are they gonna snatch chaos and hit people with it ?

SNORTS

Okay i’ma be honest y’all so far it feels like macaque is the main character of the season because we keep getting shots of his reactions to things happening and like nobody elses this feels like the macaque show rather than the monkie kid crew show

Pigsy finds out his son has become a criminal ;LKGMAW;OEFIMF

TIME TO FIX oh dont’ do me like tat bro don’t show me glimpses of something akin to flying bark pls

oh whats up pagoda

LIKE THERE???? WE DONT’ GET TO SEE THE REST OF HTE CREWS REACTION TO THE CIRCLET???????

where’s the soul guys there was a reason i could never really pick a favourite in the show its cause they were all so beautiful in every moment whats going on—

-_-

i need to slap some rose coloured glasses on asap so i can start being more positive or so help me—NG;LKAMWEF

Macaque has main character syndrome WHEEZEGKLMAFOAWEF

also like bro, the monkeys dont’ get in the truck and no one leans out the window to say lets go??

i feel like i’m missing half the ep

Macaque, with a tortouredly concerned voice: WUKONG Macaque’s expression: :0

not a thought behind those eyes

ahem relistening to this—i’ve never had to replay bits just to understand whats going on before this is taking SO MUCH LONGERLKMSA;FWE

like how come macaque can swoop in and do that just swat the pain activator away and monkey king didn’t do that himself before the circlet got placed on him we’ve seen how fast he is

okay is this the sacrifice myself season? everyones just gonna try and jump on the train with macaque starting us offG;LKAMWEF

HELPGASKL;FAWEF

Wukong, in pain: :0

i am having a TIME

love how sandy does not hesitate to hit the gas nobody even says to go he just goes which eeehhhh but also whatever==

ohhhh ohh i cringed sorry

i really need to fix my mindset so i can watch this without wanting to stick my head in a puddle

he’ll get away right he always gets away—yeah that tells me no and yup there you go nope he got snatched easily WAIT HE GOT SNATCHED?? HELP?? this is why we got so many macaque reactions cause they’re gonna bench him for half the season had to cram in as many moments as possible i’m so sorry macaque fans—

HEY ITS THAT SSSSS GUY

I’M TELLING YA HE’S A SNAKE

I’M JUSSAYOH

OH HA

I’M STUPID

THE SET

MEDUSA SNAKE GUY

I SAW THOSE SETS

THAT’S THE GUY GOT IT

I’M SO SMART

WELL

okay that was a RIDE

There was some funny moments, some whats going on moments and some wow what moments fr if i didn’t have somewhere to be later today i might tackle another ep but as of right now i think we’ll save that for later, i swear these reactions get longer every episode.

Thanks for sticking with me till the end, I promise I’ll get better once i process I hope or i’ll perish in a puddle of depression, honestly its 50/50 at this point

I don’t think i’ll ever stop missing flying bark while watching these eps, the way i could analyze every character expression brought me so much joy but yeah! we shall see where this goes and hopefully i can watch the entire season before someone spoils me in reblog tags WHEEZE

SEE Y’ALLIN THE NEXT ONE, TAKE CARE AND REMEMBER TO HYDRATE. KNOX OUT o7

#knox rambles #KNOX REACTS (me)#lmk s5 spoilers #wowza what a time with ep 2 #just gonna post this and call it good godspeed to anyone who chooses to read #people requested unfiltered so we went with unfiltered #i apologize in advance #i will probably like and enjoy it more after i've processed and all that i'M JUST STILL GONNA NEED A LITTLE MORE TIME FOLKSGN;LSKDFM #anywho we'll just post this and dip before i ramble until my face turns blue SEEYA #pls have mercy on my foot-in-mouth moments :pray_hands_emoji:

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tojisun · 2 years

Note

🧸Toji Fushiguro is an interesting friend…

🧸Toji will casually walk into your house, rummage your fridge, & fix himself a snack BEFORE he’s says hello

🧸 Toji will randomly appear in your home. Sometime you’ll come home to hear him in the shower or see him sleeping on your couch or exercising in your living room

🧸 One day Toji started leaving a envelope filled with a wad of cash for “his rent” on the table at the first of every month wait you don’t remember him moving him

🧸 Before you know it, you & Toji frequently hang out together it’s almost like y’all are dating

🧸 Toji starts referring to your home as “our home” out of no where. What’s yours is automatically his too and vice versa. This is non-negotiable

🧸💍 And before he knows it: Toji Fushiguro is sitting in a restaurant with his family. He’s happily watching the sight in front of him. Megumi, his 2 yr old son, bonding with his future mom a.k.a Toji’s pregnant fiancée over the his favorite tv show. Toji just cannot believe how lucky he is to finally have peace. To have someone as patient and understanding. For his son to potentially grow up in a stable household. Toji’s not sure why or how he became so blessed, but he’s swears on his 6 pack that he will fight to keep this little slice of heaven on Earth

OMGNSJDJS I LOVE THIS SO MUCH!!!

im just imagining the transition from you two being roommates to becoming couple and it’s making me lose my mind ngl 😭

“hey, did you know we were dating?” toji asks, his voice breaking the silence between you two. the rerun of an old episode of some cartoon served as white noise while you and toji went about your businesses — him, aimlessly scrolling through his phone, and you, head buried on a book.

you look up from your place on the beanbag, your eyes narrowed in confusion as you turned to toji who’s laying on the sofa that he could barely fit in, his long legs dangling from the armrest. he peers up at you from his phone and wiggles his eyebrows at you as he smiles, his scarred lips dancing in mirth.

“we were?” you ask, confused.

toji turns his phone towards you as if you can see the tiny screen given the distance between you two. “yeah,” he says. “gojo’s askin’ why we didn’t tell them the news.” he turns his phone to himself again after that before tapping at his screen.

“what’d you say?” you managed to get out, shutting your book close and belatedly realizing you forgot to mark the page you were on.

toji shrugs. how he managed to do that while being squished on the sofa, you do not know. you hum, distracted.

sure you and toji were close — too close, some of your mutual friends would say — but you always assumed it was normal because you and toji have been friends for years now. three years in university, where you two first met, and three years more after finding each other in tokyo — something you didn’t even think was possible because after graduation, you and toji went on your separate ways.

but it’s not like your friends did anything less. hell, you even walked in on shoko — shirtless and only reduced in booty shorts and her sports bra — sitting on suguru’s lap while she put eyeliner on him. you didn’t even bat an eye at the display because that had been normal for all of you guys. so you wonder why was sharing a flat with toji, sharing clothes with toji, and having you two cook for each other was dubbed as too intimate.

you pause, mind reeling a little bit because now that you thought about it—

“oh,” toji says, breaking through your ruminating. “i said we wanted to take things slow.”

you blink, your heart stuttering in your chest. you turn to toji, your lips parted in surprise.

“huh?”

“well, you know.” you do not know. “i was thinking about it and it’s not a bad idea for us to date.” it isn’t?

“it isn’t?” you repeat, this time out loud.

toji sits up from the sofa. “it isn’t.” his eyes are serious as they gazed at you. “wanna make it official? us two?”

“oh,” you utter, breathless. “sure.”

toji smiles, his gaze turning soft. “really?”

“yeah,” you say, this time feeling your own lips tugging in a smile. “i’d love that.”

“me too,” he whispers before he is standing up to cross the distance between you two, kneeling down in front of you, his face inches away from yours. you look into his eyes, see the question, and in reply, you cross the minimal distance and slot your lips with his.

toji’s lips wobble from where they are pressed to yours, before his hands cup your cheeks, angling his head better, and then devouring you; devoting all of his piled up love for you into this moment. into this kiss.

you gasp, rattled from the desperation of his touch, before kissing back just as passionately.

when your eyes close, your skin breaking out in goosebumps, you wonder: how long had he been waiting for this?

(“too long,” toji would tell you later, his chest pressed on your back. your cheeks would warm up and you would hide your face behind your palms as toji chuckles, his shoulders shaking and his deep voice reverberating between your naked bodies. “and you’re so damn worth every second.”)

#suns.hc #ch3rrykoolaid #ask #toji fushiguro x reader #toji fushiguro x you #toji fushiguro x y/n #jjk x reader #toji x reader #toji fushiguro #jjk #suns #I HAD TO RAMBLE TOO BECAUSE THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER #I LOVE ‘WEIRD’ FRIEND TOJI #thank yiu so much babe for dropping this in the inbox #head super duper empty #not a single thought

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agentsofmarvel · 1 year

Text

because y’all really liked the last one, here’s

some of my favorite agents of shield fun facts (season 2 edition)

this is part one! i have a lot of season 2 facts so i split it into two parts!! 🫶🏼

- clark gregg found out coulson was the new director of shield a few days before filming.

- chloe bennet said playing skye in season two was almost like playing another person as skye’s bubbly personality has become more “muted”. chloe said some skye’s more muted personality is due to learning it from may as her SO.

- i don’t know if i just forgot or never payed too much attention to it (as i don’t remember this happening), but it’s said fitz’s hypoxia also caused him to lose function in one hand.

- elizabeth only found out she was going to start the season undercover days before filming. she also didn’t know it would be hydra until a day or two before filming.

- the character of hunter was created to be a direct opposite of coulson, but still on the good side. they pretty much made hunter a character to see how funny it would be for him to piss off coulson.

- in season one, skye was created to be the “eyes of the audience” when it came to shield. in season two, they made bobbi the new “eyes of the audience” as she’s new to coulson’s shield and the characters.

- henry simmons has auditioned for multiple roles in the MCU before he was called in to read for mack. they were nervous to cast him as he was said to be “too handsome” but they liked how sweet he was doing the scenes involving fitz so they gave him the role.

- the executive producers and showrunners had a two week break between finishing season one and starting season two.

- in the scenes where fitz is really struggling with the effects of hypoxia, some of them took multiple tales because elizabeth would start to cry and they would have to pull her aside and tell her simmons wouldn’t cry right now and restart the scene.

- the simmons that fitz imagines throughout the season is wearing the exact same outfit from the season one episode “FZZT”. before this simmons had never repeated an outfit in episodes, which is why the producers said her wearing a duplicate outfit was a sign this simmons may not be real.

- the set designers made the Playground dark and old-fashioned design-wise to provide a direct contrast to the new, bright Bus from season one to show shield going back to its 1940s routes as it rebuilds from scratch.

- they didn’t put a toilet in ward’s cell because it was an open set and the crew said they didn’t want to look at a toilet out in the open every time they worked there.

- the character of hartley was created to show the audience that nobody is safe and that a character can die just like that. damn they really said “don’t get too comfortable, they can all die that fast”

- chloe says there is a ton of easter egg’s throughout the show of skye and the number three. she says one is that she only wears three rings after season one but the fans should figure out the rest.

- to make it seem as if coulson’s team has become more experienced during season one, the cast went through a solider boot camp where they even had live-firing exercises with loaded g*ns.

like i said, this is part one of the season two facts. i’m working on season two part two and season three right now and i’ll post them ASAP :)

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1mlostnow · 2 months

Text

𝐖𝐞𝐥𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞!!

Hi!! I’m Evan! This is Intro Post IV.

- Red text is primary information, things that I’d like to bring attention to, or just things I’d like to elevate above the others

I’m genderfluid, I only use he/him, I don’t have a label but I mostly like guys, and I’m a minor!!! If you’re 18+ feel free to interact but please don’t DM me or send asks.

[spotify] [insta] [wall of text] [tone tags] [ppth staff]

This intro post is incredibly long so I put primary info before the cut ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ I love using those faces

Apologies if the red or the Blinkies are hard on the eyes :<

Other Blogs ⇩

EvanRadio : @evan-radio

Poetry and Writing : @1mfoundnow

House MD [B. Corcoran] : @head-of-forensics

House MD [G. Kramer] : @plastic-surgeon-gabi

Blinkies below the cut and throughout intro :>

Table Of Contents ⇩

1. The Basics

2. Fun Facts

3. My Resume

4. Primary Music

5. Guide To Tags

6. Hobbies

7. Other Media

8. Kinnie List

9. Primary Fandoms

10. Cast List

11. Outro

[ The Basics ]

- I absolutely adore nicknames, feel free to call me anything you want; chances are I’ll be fine with it

- pretty basic DNI -> homophobes, transphobes, racists, xenophobes, proshippers (wincest ಠ_ಠ)

- feel free to interact or spam (the good kind), my notifs are off so you won’t be bothering me at all!! Feel free to do asks or anons as long as yr a minor, I love love love answering asks. I promise I’m not scary, I don’t bite (anymore lol)

- I would prefer it as a personal boundary that you don’t DM me unless you truly deem it fit, those 1 on 1 situations tend to be incredibly uncomfortable for me. If there’s truly something you’d like to speak to me about in private, go for it.

- I love my mutuals to death. Whether we talk every day or haven’t spoken once, ily :)

- I greatly appreciate tone tags!!! There is a list at the top of this intro with a tone tag guide!

- CDT timezone, typically active from 7 AM - 12 AM (this will change to 6-8AM and 5-11PM soon)

[ Fun Facts ] + notes

- my car’s name is TOMATER (all caps)

- im the ninth wonder of the world

- I love doing little drawings

- if you want one just ask (examples at end)

- once again I love love love my mutuals

- Richard Cameron defender for life

- theme changes often

- ADHD & severe social anxiety

- if you ever draw anything for me I’ll love u forever

- The Man Who Would Be King (6x20) is the best SPN episode and nobody can convince me otherwise

- if I don’t respond I swear I’m not ignoring you!! Chances are I said ‘I’ll answer later’ and then forgot—just @ me!!

- if you ever have any corrections for one of my posts (typo, incorrect facts, hurtful language) please please let me know whether it be public or private, as the last thing I’d want to do is upset anybody.

[ My Resume ]

- Professional Ghostbuster, Midwestern Cowboy, Supervillain (for the fits)

- Bug you put in a jar with sticks and leaves and a few holes in the lid so it can breathe kinda guy yk?

- Weird kid and loser for life (I’m happy this way)

- I believe I’m incredibly funny (tell me if I’m not)

- Most sentences have bonus sentences (for the thoughts that didn’t fit into the sentence right)

- hot feral scientist

[ Primary Music ] + fav song by each (‘m basic wtv)

- AJJ -> Getting Naked, Playing With Guns

- Cage The Elephant -> Spiderhead/Halo

- Car Seat Headrest -> Life Worth Missing

- David Bowie -> Rebel Rebel

- Radiohead -> Karma Police

- Seb Lowe -> The Man, The Myth

- The Front Bottoms -> Be Nice To Me / More Than It Hurts You

- The Smiths -> Pretty Girls Make Graves

- Vundabar -> Worn/Wander, Sad Clown

- Will Wood -> Memento Mori

[ Guide to Tags ]

- #evan speaks -> yapping time, applies to majority of my posts

- #evan rants -> I’ve got a lot to talk about!!

- #evan draws -> I draw :3 some art at the end

- #evan can’t vote -> US politics (doesn’t come up that often, but still)

- #evan loves his mutuals -> y’all are my best friends and ily sososo much

[ Hobbies ]

- Occasionally crocheting

- Reading and writing

- I play alto sax in marching band (never rains on the *redacted* 🫡🌧️)

- loveeee art so much, specifically pencil drawing and painting

- idk if music counts as a hobby (listening+playing)

[ Other Media ]

Shows -> Supernatural, Sherlock, House MD, My Babysitters A Vampire (Rory my beloved), Scooby-Doo, Over The Garden Wall

Movies -> Dead Poets Society, Ghostbusters, Velvet Goldmine, The Truman Show, Goonies, Stand By Me, Saw Franchise, IT 2017

Others -> Homestuck, The Secret History, getting into newer classics (highschool english class books tbh), I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream

[ Kinnie List ]

Steven Meeks (DPS), Castiel (SPN), Richie Tozier (IT), Truman Burbank (TTS), Egon Spengler (Ghostbusters), Adam Stanheight (Saw), Henry Winter (TSH), Will Graham (Hannibal)

[ Primary Fandoms ]

Supernatural, Sherlock, Dead Poets Society, Homestuck, Ghostbusters, House MD

[ Cast List ] <- y’all are like my family ily

@pingunaa @ghostboyhood @wordssricochet @poetsinnyc @meekspeaks @midwest-quill @yourfavvgal @alightelixe @lv3buzzz @craicapparition @asclexe @lefthandedspaghetti @notcatseatheadrest @wilsons-three-legged-siamese @de4d-poet-kisser @cherrishnoodles @blakenation1 @desire-mona @prettypinkbubbless @sesamie @hemlocksloadofbull @mighthavebeenmurder @tired-and-bored-nerd @neil-perrys-suicidal-tendencies @sillyhyperfixator

^^ if we ain’t close like that lmk and I’ll take you off dw ♥︎ and if I somehow missed you please please tell me and I’ll fix it right away, there’s some people I was gonna add but I wasn’t sure if we were friends like that yet lol

Outro!!

If you made it to the end of this thank you thank you thank you so much it means the world to me.

I can’t add more photos, so I’ll make and link a separate post with my art, so you can decide if that’s something you’d be interested in!!!

[ art here!! ]

#evan speaks #evan intro 4 #dead poets society #house md #homestuck #supernatural #i love my mutuals #all of my regular tags #intro post

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dk-wren · 6 months

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Ep. 12 "Daughter Daddies" Rewatch

Wanted to do one more thing for today's one year anniversary, so thought I would share all the notes I took on my rewatch of the finale!

It's not much (and I will be including the thoughts I previously shared on this post), but I do hope you enjoy!

I still can’t get over the fact that Rei and Miri both have their own aprons now too! Though I’ve still yet to fully figure out what Rei’s is. For whatever, reason the white coloring makes me think it’s a polar bear on the front, but I don’t know how much sense that would make otherwise. I feel like if Kazuki bought the aprons, it’s likely a cat on Rei’s apron. (And that’s this episodes random thought or detail I’ve spent too much time thinking about)

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Another moment that always manages to melt my heart: Miri struggling to put on her boot because she’s grown that much and the rapid succession of Kazuki asking if she forgot anything, Miri saying no, Kazuki asking about her handkerchief, her immediately saying she forgot, then Rei joining Kazuki and Miri with said handkerchief in hand. They’re a family y’all and they sure do operate like one.

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Thinking about it now, I kinda wondered why Miri only made Rei make a pinky promise with him. Rei has grown a lot over the series, but between the two, he is still the more reserved and papa. Perhaps, this is why Miri only makes Rei promise since she knows Kazuki will be at the concert no matter what. Based on the translations I had though, when Miri tells them they better be at her concert, especially since her mama, or Misaki, won’t be, Kazuki responds with “We will” while Rei says “We promise.” With Rei explicitly saying “promise,” maybe that’s what leads Miri to make a pinky promise with him, which so clearly affects him for the remainder of the episode

I know it was only last episode and this one, but I like how Rei and Kazuki’s meeting with Kyutaro is done away from Yadorigi. Yadorigi is Kyutaro’s homebase and I would consider, an integral meeting location for the organization. So, meeting in this neutral, nondescript location seems to convey that Kyutaro is also turning his back on the organization. Which he technically is in a way by helping/aiding Rei and Kazuki

The car conversation! They don’t want Miri’s childhood to be anything like their own experiences and are gonna do everything to keep it that way, to ensure she can keep her innocence for as long as possible from the horrors of the underworld, and be the parents, or the papas, they wish they had growing up

What it’s been, like nine months a year and I still cannot get over Kazuki and Rei’s entrance and fight in Suwa Manor! Like, I wish I had more to say but I’m just yelling, rooting for them and love seeing them both be badasses

I know it's been pointed out, but man, the fact that Rei’s hair comes down during the kitchen fight as he is about to deliver the final blow to Ogino, with a little help from Kazuki, just shows his progression of who Rei really is, not the Murder Machine, or a living weapon, but Rei Suwa, a person and father

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Rei isn’t here for any of Shigeki’s shit. He says I’m out and means it.

Another moment where I just scream and cry. Look at how much Rei has grown and opened up, along with learned by spending time away. He’s so deserving of his family and a happy future!!!

It’s so simple, and yet, and yet! the power that comes with Rei saying goodbye not to his Boss but to his Father, oh my gosh. He is not just walking away from the organization and his position, he is fully walking away from his family cause he’s got a new (and better) one waiting for him, just as he is

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Cue Christmas Party and lots of smiley Rei!

Also, kinda joking but kinda serious, you see how Miri immediately lights up when she spots Rei and Kazuki in the audience/entering? That's what happens when parents show up to the events their child considers important. It's so simple, but honestly, just showing up can mean the world.

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I know it’s controversial, but gahhh I really love the epilogue!

Such a small detail, but gotta love how Miri has kept that green teddy bear with her as she’s grown up

Perhaps this is just my imagination, but does teenage Miri’s voice sound different here than the one in Kazuki’s imagination. If so, that’s awesome because Kazuki wouldn’t know how exactly Miri would sound that many years later, and how Miri turned out nothing like Kazuki had feared

I probably should address the elephant in the room when it comes to the sub translating Miri’s line to refer to Kazuki going out with another woman, but what caught my attention during my first watch was Rei’s questioning of Kazuki saying “honest work.” Like, what does that mean? Did they keep working a little bit on the side for Kyutaro to make a little extra cash? Or was Rei questioning Kazuki’s use of “I” instead of “we” since Rei co-runs the diner?

These photos! I love it all! I hope Kazuki, Rei, and Miri are all able to continue living peacefully and with each other for a long time!

#buddy daddies #buddy daddies anime #buddy daddies rewatch #buddy daddies anniversary #miri unasaka #rei suwa #kazuki kurusu

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waitmyturtles · 1 year

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Turtles Catches Up With Old GMMTV: Theory of Love Edition

[What’s going on here? After joining Tumblr and discovering Thai BLs through KinnPorsche in 2022, I began watching GMMTV’s new offerings -- and realized that I had a lot of history to catch up on, to appreciate the more recent works that I was delving into. From tropes to BL frameworks, what we’re watching now hails from somewhere, and I’m learning about Thai BL's history through what I’m calling the Old GMMTV Challenge (OGMMTVC). Starting with recommendations from @absolutebl on their post regarding how GMMTV is correcting for its mistakes with its shows today, I’ve made an expansive list to get me through a condensed history of essential/classic/significant Thai BLs produced by GMMTV and many other BL studios. My watchlist, pasted below, lists what I’ve watched and what’s upcoming, along with the reviews I’ve written so far. Today, I’ll cover Theory of Love, a polarizing show that was one of the first BLs to deep-dive into viewer subversion of commonly held judgements. THANKS SO, SO MUCH to the SWEETEST ToL friends EVER for watching along with me and offering your clarity and insight: @lurkingshan, @he-is-lightning-in-a-bottle, @neuroticbookworm, @ginnymoonbeam, @manogirl, and if I forgot anyone, my apologies!]

It was inevitable, in this project, that I would begin crossing lines into territories of beloved vs. utterly hated shows. I had THAT experience in FULL last week with my review of TharnType and the subsequent public and private conversations that that show, and my thoughts on it, engendered. (And it was a FABULOUS experience, let me tell you -- thanks, ALL Y’ALL, for your thoughts and input on that show.)

[Before I dive into analysis, I just want to say that: if you’re impacted by Theory of Love, particularly by way of any experiences you might have had in your own past that you relate to in the show (especially with Third’s reactions to Khai’s behavior), that is VALID AND REAL. I learned in the aftermath of my TharnType review that I need to be a bit more clear about this, especially because of how divided the feelings are on TT and ToL, so: while this review is going to feature effusive praise for this show, I am, by no means, invalidating anything that anyone felt about relating to Third’s feelings or experiences. Those feelings are REAL. And please feel free to skip this review if you need to get away from Khai, etc.!]

So, Theory of Love -- it’s another one that has a heavily divided fanbase. You’re either in HEATED PASSION for this show, as I ended up being, or you PASSIONATELY HATE this show, and/or Khai himself as a character. Things that I heard about this show as I was putting together the watchlist, and as I began to watch it, were things like, “this show features heavy misogyny,” “this show has bad friend behavior,” “Third is treated horribly,” etc.

However, almost as SOON as I started watching Theory of Love, I realized that I was about to enter into a world of subversion, where I had to have my smell test strong and ready -- and I found it to be a FABULOUS experience.

I’m going to talk about a couple of themes here regarding ToL, as I usually do:

1) The tendency that we might have to fall into a compassion/sympathy bias, and how that clouds our judgement of characters, especially regarding their personal responsibility and accountability to others, 2) The large-scale impact of heteronormativity, 3) How behavioral change is massively difficult, 4) How we as populations and societies are ACTUALLY RESISTANT, OFTEN, to people around us changing,

and more, if I get to it -- because there’s a lot.

As soon as I started the first episode, I was like -- ooooh, FUCK, we’re gonna get played, aren’t we? Third/Gun’s tears. Sobbing in the shower with his clothes on. Raging in despair over Khai’s behavior with women.

First, I ran to MDL, and saw the screenwriters -- and I was like, OHHHHHHH. OKAY. I SEE WHAT WE GOT GOING ON HERE. Bee Pongsate, Pratchaya Thavornthummarut, and Au Kornprom -- some of the heaviest of hitters, in my opinion, authors and/or ADs of some of the best writing that I’ve seen on television (Bad Buddy, anyone?). (I saw a LOT of proto-BBS in ToL, which I’ll hopefully reference throughout this piece.)

When I saw these names, I knew I was in for an experience of emotional subversion, and that’s kind of when I started flipping my lid about this show -- right fucking away. And I felt that I knew what they were doing by giving us so much of Third’s despair, hot and heavy, from the very start.

Let’s backtrack for a moment. When Extraordinary Attorney Woo aired last summer, I referenced in a few of my posts the concept of implicit empathy bias. For Third, I’d adjust this nomenclature to call it our implicit compassion or sympathy bias, in that: we were presented with a very emotionally impacted person, right away, who really served as a foil in a human character to “translate” what Khai’s behavior meant to a larger circle outside of Khai himself.

What I wrote about Woo Young-Woo in EAW is that we as viewers had a responsibility to check ourselves on our having sympathy or even misplaced empathy for her. I argued: who were we to have sympathy for her? Woo Young-Woo was a fucking badass. She was a kick-ass lawyer, she had a hot guy after her tail, and she knew exactly what her preferences were in her life. Oh, and she probably made bank at that private law firm. She earned the respect of her seniors and was someone to be admired, not sympathized with, as an autistic lawyer.

Implicit compassion or sympathy bias is a concept that therapists need to be aware of when working with clients, as sympathy or misplaced compassion could lead to an unbalanced power differential. Therapists, out of sympathy for a client, may believe that a client may not BE ABLE to change their behavior on their own or with guidance, and may lead to implicit and/or explicit condescension. AND, worse of all (in my opinion): that may lead therapists to not encourage personal responsibility and/or accountability for their clients to own their feelings and their preferences, and allow a therapist to write off problematic behavior and approaches as unchangeable and/or acceptable, even if the client COULD benefit from modalities of change.

And so: Third. Crying in the shower. Despairing over Khai bringing home girl after girl. Raging in pain over his un-communicated love for his best friend.

Now, listen, before I get further: YES, at many points, Khai was a MASSIVE asshole. He even called that first kiss on Third a “colossal dick move” (I REALLY wanna know how to say that in Thai, lol). Asking your homey to leave your place and keeping him on the street all night -- bad. At least find your best friend a couch to crash on.

But there are two things here I want to tease out vis à vis the implicit sympathy bias concept. In the first few episodes, we see Third in his absolute dumps.

HOWEVER. The ways in which he’s either NOT communicating, or trying to communicate in INCREDIBLY passive ways? That’s on Third, and Third alone. Bro, don’t write on Khai’s shirt WHEN KHAI’S NOT AROUND! Dump those clichéd posterboards! If you want someone to know your feelings, you are RESPONSIBLE, on God, for doing that yourself.

Couple that with Third’s judgement of Khai’s behavior. He looked down on Khai’s behavior ... all while belonging to a friend group that was EXTREMELY rooted in what we could call stereotypical heteronormative behavior (and I want to heavily credit @he-is-lightning-in-a-bottle for bringing heteronormativity to this conversation vis à vis Khai -- thank you for letting me borrow your words, let me give you your flowers!).

I didn’t see Third condemning Two and Bone (huh huh, Bone) for doing the same thing with girls.

What I saw X, Bee, Pratchaya, and Au doing here was setting us, the viewers, up for an experience of having sympathy for Third -- and almost IMMEDIATELY being lulled into an experience where we wouldn’t, subsequently, hold Third ACCOUNTABLE for taking RESPONSIBILITY in trying to change the paradigm that he was in. INSTEAD, I posit, it would be EASY to sympathize with him, AND condemn Khai for being a booty-chaser, ALL WHILE Third, or us, were NOT holding Two and Bone similarly accountable. PSH.

And think about how easy that is! Gun’s SOOOOOO CUTE, Y’ALL, UGGGHHH. Him crying? Forget about it. Those tears, those pouty lips! Stop that man from crying, get him a Kleenex Thailand sponsorship!

And, AND, in Thailand, and in America: think about how easy it is to judge hook-up culture. It’s SO EASY. A person can be a whore, a ho, a slut, or easy. Write ‘em off.

We can talk about sexual freedom and agency in one breath, and judge someone for getting tail in the next.

I’m telling you. I was TAKEN AWAY BY THE BRILLIANCE OF THIS SET-UP from the damn start of this show. And I related to it personally, particularly from the lens of heteronormativity, because ... I related to Khai (maybe I wasn’t as much of a player in my twenties, but ya girl, ya know -- I had my experiences, okay?! ANYWAY, moving on, cough cough.)

So I had my experiences. In my majority-Asian girlfriend group, I was judged for my experiences. Why?

Because sex is judged in almost all societies (I’m leaving continental Western Europe out of this, but I welcome input from the family over there!). If you’re getting some, there are others that aren’t, for a myriad of reasons. Why do we judge? For religious and/or cultural reasons, a lack of sex education, a lack of supportive input and guidance from elders and/or friends -- the list goes on.

For being able to hook up with guys (I’m cishet), I was called a slut, a ho, a whore. From my perspective? I was doing.... what everyone else was doing. I was participating in heteronormative society and behavior, and because of the ease of my being able to socially engage with others, I was judged for it. (I don’t carry too much baggage from that judgement. I’m happily married to a man I got drunk with in a bar the first time I met him. All I can do is NOT condemn my kids for doing the same when their time comes.)

Again: ToL was NOT set up to elicit judgement against Two and Bone. The judgement -- as ferociously directed FROM Third -- was written and designed to be AGAINST Khai. In summation: I call bullshit on Third. I would argue that the brilliance of the writing here meant that we as viewers could have been lulled into judging one person for their behavior, while allowing passes for others engaging in the exact same thing. And I’d posit that ToL, above all else, provided an INCREDIBLE meta-commentary on the insidiousness of this selective judgement.

[Let me also add that I believe these messages were woven into the story in other ways. As I chatted with @wen-kexing-apologist about: I compared the name “Un,” Earth Pirapat’s character, to the title of the French film that Bone and Paan were into, Un Homme et Une Femme. “One Man and One Woman.” A message from society that all humans are supposed to be... het and monogamous? And unchanging, at that. Memorialized into media. And anything else could be judged. When, in fact: Un himself broke a mold by being in love with Two (un... deux....) the entire time.]

I would also argue that ToL was not necessarily a condemnation of heteronormativity in society. I think, instead, it served as a reflection for both what we as members of society are willing to accept or not accept by way of acceptable behavior, BUT ALSO: HOW UNWILLING WE ACTUALLY ARE TO ALLOW PEOPLE TO CHANGE.

What do I mean by that?

So, Khai. I think Khai, at the start of the show, was being Khai. I don’t know if it was clear from the start of the show that Third was gay, per se. What was only made clear to me was that Third was in love with Khai.

I’d posit that Khai’s expectation of his friend group was that all of them were heteronormative bros, all into the same thing: getting with women. Why would he have reason to think otherwise? Especially from Two and Bone, this is what the guys were into, night after night.

And it makes me wonder about how he was raised, how not just his friends, but his family, his school community, everyone around him -- how they all treated him. All of those impacts WILL contribute to how a person turns out as an adult. Khai acted this way because, in part -- society allowed him, and likely EVEN ENCOURAGED HIM, to be this way. Because he was a tall, cute, homeslice-kinda guy.

Khai is out there Khai-ing. (And, as I noted during my watch sessions, it wasn’t just Khai Khai-ing. Two and Bone were on the scene -- BUT THE GIRLS THEMSELVES were also on the scene, and engaged in their OWN agency in hooking up with Khai. Girls are playas, too.)

For most of the show, Third is NOT confronting Khai with Third’s feelings. Then Khai learns about Third’s feelings, and tries to get Third to fall OUT of love with Khai, leveraging “colossal dick moves.” Then Third ACTUALLY falls out of love with Khai, and the narrative switch of the show takes place, where we settle into Khai’s perspective and Khai’s attempts at winning back Third’s heart.

Before I get into that switch, I want to note something that I think that the majority of the BLs out of Thailand that I’ve watched so far represent really well. I often write that behavioral change is MASSIVELY difficult. In my real-life job, I very often reference the five stages of behavioral change as a means of relating to my colleagues about difficulties they’re facing in changing something that they’re doing at work. Think about not just GOING on a diet, but STICKING to a diet, if you’ve never been on one; or not just GOING to the gym, but STICKING to an exercise routine, or really QUITTING smoking, as opposed to taking a break. Those changes are MASSIVELY DIFFICULT.

What I saw in the second half of ToL was another UTTERLY BRILLIANT commentary on society: how, once we have someone under our judging eye, how we DON’T LET THEM CHANGE.

Khai WANTED TO CHANGE for Third. Many, many times, he didn’t quite know HOW to go about it. OR, to be more specific -- how to change PER THIRD’S PREFERENCES. And honestly, Third was clearly ready to just BE judgy, right? Gurl.

But, once you get a label, that label STICKS. You’re a bully. You’re a slut. You’re a whore.

You need to do a lot of damn work, in the private eye, in the public eye, to shed those labels. Think about the condemnation of celebrities (I am always referencing this amazing video by Ohm and Perth on mental health). How easy it is to write ANYONE in our lives off, and not ever look back, with a single glance.

And Third wasn’t gonna give an inch to Khai. And I had to say, I admired Khai for trying to do the damn thing. He fucked up, A LOT. Praew? Not necessary. All that unsolicited kissing? NO. Don’t do that.

But here, again, I argue that Third needed to take responsibility and accountability, too. Khai was being far more forward with his attempts at communication. And Third? For some reason, he was written as being, like, UNABLE to listen, talking over Khai, interrupting him, not letting Khai finish a damn sentence.

Both of these two DEAR characters were bumbly and immature AF. I really loved that about the BOTH of them. BOTH junior college students, BOTH learning the ropes of their attraction, especially Khai, who was ROOTED in an otherwise DEEPLY heteronormative experience.... but, again, so was Third, taught by... what, exactly, to not be the open communicator that he NEEDED to be to solve his initially unrequited love. Possibly, and likely, because there was a significant corner of society that would SYMPATHIZE with his pain, without holding him ACCOUNTABLE for that pain, as Two, and eventually Bone, did for him, before turning their attentions to Khai to help Khai seal the deal.

I really love this life lesson. To me, it’s extremely reminiscent of the kinds of life lessons that we saw in Bad Buddy, which is why I might term ToL as a kind of proto-BBS, where we see Bee, Pratchaya, and Au playing with the ideas that eventually became the INCREDIBLE foundation of BBS.

In BBS, Pat and Pran accepted, with robust empathy (NOT condescending sympathy), the fact that their parents WOULD NOT, and maybe even, COULD NOT change -- leading the guys to keeping their relationship secret.

Here in ToL, I love that the writers played with Third’s RESISTANCE to change, but also, designed him to ultimately OPEN UP to it, with Khai’s constant pushing. Khai and Third didn’t have the generational divide that children and parents do, as we see eventually in BBS. They had youth on their side. We saw in the follow-up ToL special that Third is still a jealous MF, a side of him that Khai plays up and is concerned about.

But Bee, Pratchaya, and Au were ultimately SO GOOD to Khai and Third (and Two! and Bone! and Un!), because: they wrote these characters ULTIMATELY WITH GRACE, with the GRACEFULNESS that beautiful behavioral change elicits. To witness their processes of change meant, to me, that the show BELIEVED that people CAN CHANGE, AND, AND -- that humans DO NOT HAVE to suffer from weighty labels that are ultimately just a goddamn and meaningless unnecessary burden.

CHANGE IS BEAUTIFUL, if you can embrace it, and if you can allow your loved ones around to TO CHANGE. And when you change, with your community supporting you: you CAN, and likely WILL, become a better person for it.

WHEW. OH MY GAWD. NOW THAT THAT’S OFF MY CHEST! (For real, for ToL: I had MORE notes written, PAGES OF NOTES, written for this show, than anything I’ve watched on the OGMMTVC list, including He’s Coming To Me, my favorite of the old shows so far. ToL WAS SO SUBVERSIVE. UGGHHHHHH!!!)

Some final quick notes, some easter eggs that I utterly loved, that I couldn’t fit into this review in another fashion:

HAAAAAAA. (Even Khai’s social media probably reinforced the heteronormative lifestyle he had been living before falling in love with Third.)

2) The repeat of the stage/play/sound/actors theme, from ToL, to BBS, to Our Skyy 2 x Bad Buddy x A Tale of Thousand Stars (with references to Earth’s characters, to boot!). GOD, I LOVE HOW THEY COME BACK TO THIS THEME! How not just a stage, but so much of LIFE ITSELF, is so fucking performative for the people around us (including Pat and Pran hiding their relationship, Khai bragging to the homies about girls, all of it!).

3) I had planned to include these earlier in the review, but they ultimately didn’t quite make it -- I wanted to write about a bunch of stuff just floating in my head as I watched ToL:

a) My playlist for this show (“I’M NOT A PLAYA, I JUST CRUSH A LOT,” COME AWN! Where did my mom jeans go, shit...) (And the theme of “just friends”? ToL was a total workshop on this theme for BBS. I wish they had sped up into the future to include Nanon’s song.)

b) I had a whole bunch of New York-isms that I wanted to fit into this review somehow, something that like, Dom the pizza guy on the block would say to Third if Third was crying over his slice:

“Who are you to judge?” (pronounced “whoawu”) (besides Third judging Khai, I’d also argue that this applies to the ladies, too -- who are we to judge the ladies that wanted to get with Khai), “No one owes you jackshit,” “GET IT TOGETHER, my friend,”

but they didn’t quite fit, but I feel like I should still jot them down anyway. ANYWAY!

2019, right before the pandemic hits, a year in which you have SO MUCH BL percolating, great BL like He’s Coming to Me, controversial BL like TharnType. And you have this incredibly intelligent, SHARP, subversive, sexy show in Theory of Love, that just causes RIPPLES among the fanbase. I can absolutely see why @bengiyo calls 2019 the year that BL bifurcated. ToL, like HCTM, to me, was a little ahead of its time. It was so subversive as to maybe even be a little manipulative. Because I’m in binge mode and in the THICK of the best of 2019, I know I was mentally ready for this -- but I can see why some audiences in 2019 were maybe NOT so ready.

But I’m damn glad this show was made. If this script hadn’t been written by Bee, Pratchaya, and Au, then I think Bad Buddy would not have been as subversive as it was. ToL is a phenomenal show, AND it gives me SUCH clarity into the refining of the creative process of this team that ultimately produced BBS. And in terms of layers and layers and LAYERS of meaning and depth, nothing, in my opinion, comes close to BBS. I’m thrilled that we had ToL, and the spectacular pairing of OffGun, to precede that moment.

[ToL kicked so much ass, AND I finished 3 Will Be Free last night, ANOTHER monumental show -- if I can get it together, I’ll drop a 3WBF review later this week, but if not, keep your eyes peeled next Monday.

My time tonight, I’ll be watching Dew the Movie -- another stop on the Ohm Pawat train, on which I’m a permanent passenger. Mans is such a translator of queer revelation and angst. I can’t wait. And thennnnnn, after Dew, a big one, Until We Meet Again. It’ll be my first go-around with Fluke Natouch, which I’m looking forward to; but I was informed by @bengiyo and the clown friends that this shit’s SEVENTEEN EPISODES. WHY DOES NEW SIWAJ HAVE TO DO THIS TO ME?!?! Thailand needs to pass a federal law restricting New to 12 episodes OR LESS! GAH.

But anyway, listen, we are making big progress, and inching ever closer to a major stop on this journey in ITSAY. I know @shortpplfedup is watching my shit very. closely. Annnnd, I’ll take any thoughts on this, but I kinda think that I should maybe do a Very Very Fast Rewatch of KinnPorsche...since it was KP that got me here in the first place, and I think I might have a lot more to say about it, now that I’m firmly familiar with the BL echelon. And, Tong.

Here’s the list as it currently stands. As always, feedback is welcome!

1) Love Sick and Love Sick 2 (2014 and 2015) (review here) 2) Make It Right (2016) (review here) 3) SOTUS (2016-2017) (review here) 4) Make It Right 2 (2017) (review here) 5) Together With Me (2017) (review here) 6) SOTUS S/Our Skyy x SOTUS (2017-2018) (review here) 7) Love By Chance (2018) (review here) 8) Kiss Me Again: PeteKao cuts (2018) (no review) 9) He’s Coming To Me (2019) (review here) 10) Dark Blue Kiss (2019) and Our Skyy x Kiss Me Again (2018) (review here) 11) TharnType (2019-2020) (review here) 12) Senior Secret Love: Puppy Honey (BL cuts) (2016 and 2017) (no review) 13) Theory of Love (2019) 14) 3 Will Be Free (2019) (not a BL or an official part of the OGMMTVC watchlist, but an important harbinger of things to come in 2019 and beyond re: Jojo Tichakorn pushing queer content in non-BLs) (review coming) 15) Dew the Movie (2019) (not an official part of the OGMMTVC watchlist, but I want to watch this in chronological order with everything else) (watching) 16) Until We Meet Again (2019-2020) 17) 2gether (2020) 18) Still 2gether (2020) 19) I Told Sunset About You (2020) 20) YYY (2020, out of chronological order) 21) Manner of Death (2020-2021) (not a true BL, but a MaxTul queer/gay romance set within a genre-based show that likely influenced Not Me and KinnPorsche) 22) A Tale of Thousand Stars (2021) (review here) 23) A Tale of Thousand Stars (2021) OGMMTVC Fastest Rewatch Known To Humankind For The Sake Of Rewatching Our Skyy 2 x BBS x ATOTS 24) Lovely Writer (2021) 25) I Promised You the Moon (2021) 26) Not Me (2021-2022) 27) Bad Buddy (2021-2022) (thesis here) 28) Bad Buddy (2021-2022) and Our Skyy 2 x BBS x ATOTS (2023) OGMMTVC Rewatch 29) Secret Crush On You (2022) [watching for Cheewin’s trajectory of studying queer joy from Make It Right (high school), to SCOY (college), to Bed Friend (working adults)] 30) KinnPorsche (2022) (tag here) 31) The Eclipse (2022) (tag here) 32) GAP (2022-2023) (Thailand’s first GL) 33) My School President (2022-2023) and Our Skyy 2 x My School President (2023) 34) Moonlight Chicken (2023) (tag here) 35) Bed Friend (2023) (tag here) (Cheewin’s latest show, depicting a queer joy journey among working adults)]

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