#I felt guilty for it because I wanted my tastes to be accepted

[ionthevoid]

You are allowed to like things. You are allowed to partake in the stuff you like, even if it's deemed "cringe", "edgy", or "weird". You're allowed to share these things with others without apologizing or setting a disclaimer when you do. If they enjoy it with you, cool. If they don't, that's okay. Friends and family not liking the thing you like doesn't make it bad. The point is to have fun, so let yourself have fun.

[hoseoksluna]

INFINITY | jjk

pairing: boyfriend!jungkook x f. reader

genre: fluff

word count: 2.7k

summary: your birthdays have never been happy until jungkook became your boyfriend.

note: IT'S MY BIRTHDAYYYYYY. and i wrote this little light fic in just a day for the occasion. no smut, just pure fluff and cuteness. i want you all to go back and read this fic on your own bday and imagine you have such an amazing bf like jk:( enjoy! i love you guys. MWAH.

He was supposed to be here. 

Or at least that’s what your brain kept telling you throughout the longest workday of your life as your fingers tapped away on the keyboard and you used your sweet sing-song voice to talk to customers—something you do five, sometimes six days a week, although today was different. 

Today was your birthday. 

A pitifully miserable day that celebrates the moment you came into this world, only to realize, fifteen years later, that you don’t fit in—that it doesn’t have a place for you, where you belong and where you can be happy. A wretched day that your mom doesn’t want to celebrate because the preparations stress her out and because she thinks your family doesn’t really like you and she doesn’t want you to get sad, when they buy you gifts that are disappointing. 

As if that mattered. As if you didn’t love your family enough that the gifts aren’t what’s important about this day. 

This year shall be different, though. For the first time in your life you have a serious boyfriend that you’ve been with for a whole year now. A round but tall and muscular boyfriend. A Harley-Davidson driving, gold Marlboro-smoking boyfriend that you met a day after your birthday that should’ve been special but wasn’t. You spent it in tears because your mom made you feel guilty about wanting to celebrate it with your family, so you went out the following night with your girls to get drunk, go forget and met this man outside the bar that smoked alone and smiled at you a bit too often whenever you felt his gaze and turned around, your arm half-bent in the air, the cigarette smoke of your own swirling around your shivering form from the cold and the dull excitement that you caught the attention of someone so attractive and adorable at the same time. 

The way his eyes glinted in the yellow lights, starry and tender, as if they had never seen the ugly in this world—or perhaps they have, but they never accepted it. 

The way they rounded even more when you met them with your own, and the way his mouth parted because he seemingly couldn’t believe that you would notice him. 

Your friends knew something you did, innerly, as well—that this man was special and that he was yours. Your best friend, the mom of the friend group, stubbed her cigarette and leaned inside the waterfall of your hair and instructed you what to do. 

Stay here and have another cig. We’re going inside. 

You felt that it was the right thing to do, and so you smiled and you nodded. Your best friend patted your head, smirked to herself and left without any other word. 

You lit up another cigarette. 

And Jungkook… he was a moth, transfixed by the flame, gravitating towards you and sparking up a conversation about the happy birthday headband you were wearing. And you stayed there with him until your fingers were numb with the iciness of the night and until you ran out of cigarettes. 

But you didn’t go back to your friends all empty. 

Jungkook slid two Marlboros of his own into your pack, infiltrated hope into your heart by talking to you so gently and so purely—a hope in a better life and a better world and a better birthday, and infused your lungs with poetry by the way he looked at you. 

Like you were the prettiest girl he’d ever seen.

And a month later, after many dates, you had a taste of infinity on his lips. The infinity of the universe, of the world, of the love that had been brewing in you for him. The infinity of life that likes you, that had mercy on you and gave you someone like him. You had shared that with him on many occasions, but the first time he heard it, he sobbed into your hands. And just like you knew it then that he was yours, you couldn’t doubt it at that moment. 

He was engraved into your veins, written on the page that has your name within the Book of Life. 

And now, a year later, you ponder the hope that has not left the chambers of your heart since that fateful night as you enter your dark, deserted apartment that carries his scent but not his presence. 

You expected him to be here, waiting for you to come home after your afternoon shift. Your manager let you leave a half an hour early, an information you texted your boyfriend as soon as you received it, but now as you click on your messages with him, you perceive that he hasn’t even seen it. 

It hasn’t even been delivered. Only sent. 

Your heart cracks. The infinity thins out. You throw your brown leather purse onto the ground and try, with all your might, to keep your emotions at bay. The words of your mother flood your brain and your spine rounds at the heft of its innermore truth, your tiredness due to your long workday helping, breaking your back until you walk upon the debris of your own bones. 

So much for having hope. So much for believing that you could be loved by those closest to you. Why is this happening to you? Why do you have to be so eternally sad? Having the wholeness of the world against you as if you were nothing, as if you weren’t a human being deserving of love—

The rapid railroad of your thoughts is halted by the three-seconds long beeping of your passcode being accepted and when you turn around, the world you thought was against you turns to face you, ready to immerse you in its kindness. 

Jungkook enters. And it’s not a bouquet of flowers, whose petals graze against his sweaty temple. No, it’s a humongous pot of a white orchid that swallows all light of the room, only to spit it back down your throat when Jungkook crosses the distance and kisses you until your mind gets woozy, spinning around and around. 

A hard, alarming kiss that contains many, many questions. 

The light mends your heart, the softness of his lips, despite the harshness of the long peck, gluing all those broken parts together, and your lungs bloom with new flowers of poetry that he’s more than capable of taking care of in you. His free hand grips your waist, intensifying the questions in the kiss and when he pulls back, they thump in his big, round eyes that are never brown, but endlessly black. 

They thump so vivaciously that they plunge out of his mouth almost immediately. 

“Where were you? I waited for you outside of your work. I wanted to pick you up,” he says, panting, so out of breath as if he ran all the way here and broke a sweat. A bead of perspiration trickles down his other temple—and there, behind his ear, you notice a singular cigarette with a brown butt. 

Gold Marlboro. 

The sight is an electricity that drives life into your heart, making it beat as if it was never broken in the first place. 

Your lips are dry, your throat parched, and you think you need another one of his kisses. As a matter of fact, that’s all you want. His kisses, his sweat, his warm presence. 

Him. 

“My manager let me go home half an hour early,” you explain, gripping the hand that holds you, feeling guilty. Jungkook’s eyes pierce you, paying the utmost attention to you, coaxing your words out of you. You can vividly see that he needs them. “I texted you. I thought you’d be here.” 

Jungkook sighs, closing his eyes for a split second. A wave of relief washes over him and he purses his lips before he presses them not against your own, but against your cheek, his free hand migrating to the back of your head. And the warmth of his palm slaughters all of your bad thoughts, makes space for happy thoughts and happy emotions—and the act is so severely profound that you have to hold onto him, grip his waist like he gripped yours, and take the transformation as best as you can. 

“I was so scared,” he whispers onto your cheekbone, resting his face against yours, sinking his fingers into your hair. “If it weren’t for your coworker who told me that you left early, I would still be standing there.” He withdraws, looking down at you and pointing your face up at him. “My phone died. I didn’t get your message. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here. I wanted to surprise you.” 

Your heart enlarges, escaping out of your throat and into the pot he’s still holding. You shake your head, thinking he doesn’t need to be sorry for anything, and pucker your lips to ask for another kiss. Jungkook nearly whimpers at the sight, leaning down and obliging, softening the kiss he’s so willing to give you, melting it into a hundred more kisses that make your tummy flutter. And there, there the hope, which he had suffused you with a year ago, comes to a full circle and you comprehend that as long as you have him, you’ll never spend your birthday in despair. 

And because of that, you deepen the kiss. 

The tears streaming down your cheeks feel so terribly faint owing to the overwhelmingness of your emotions. It is gladness that clutches your whole being, gratitude second, and your expanding love for him in third place. And all those emotions dissolve into his cheeks in the infinity of your kiss and it is when you press your body against his and wrap your arms around his neck that you realize that the orchid pot isn’t the only gift he has for you. Around the same wrist, belonging to his hand that holds the flower, are hung small gift bags that prevent you from fully dissipating into him—and that is the matter that severs the kiss, which holds the entire universe. 

And it’s not the contents of the gift bags that makes it collapse. 

It’s the red ring box that he fishes out of his pocket. 

Jungkook doesn’t get down on his knee. His hands tremble, very much like your heart, your blood system, your muscles, as he opens the box and allows you to see the gift for your very first special birthday. A diamond ring, held up by a gold lining shaped into an infinity sign. The infinity of his kiss, the infinity of your love for him, the little things you observed that made him cry—all made true in a singular ring that flits in his tattooed, trembling hand. The orchid gets placed on the nearby round table and the foreign emotions, which go beyond the ordinary happy emotions you’ve ever felt, suffocate you. So much that you begin to tremble just the same, sobbing as you turn your gaze away from the magnificent ring to the greater, blurry magnificence of his eyes just to catch the same, identical tears drenching his red, red cheeks. 

“Jungkook…” you mewl, sniffling, your constricting lungs not letting you say anything else, and you cup his hands like a flower. Perhaps to still their quivering, perhaps to just simply hold them—feel his warmth, feel the vibrancy of his tattoos—because, truth be told, you have no idea what’s happening.  

Jungkook calls you by your name in order to have your full attention and you anticipate finding in him the meaning of this all, stability and groundness. And he doesn’t hesitate. Hell, he doesn’t waste a second. 

“My little princess,” he starts but pauses momentarily, his bottom lip quivering as he holds his tears and you fall apart. At the pet name, at the unfolding of his emotions that bear nothing but raw beauty you’d readily die for.  “This is my promise to you that I am yours for all infinity. Nothing can break it, nothing can stop it, and that defines our life together. I want to spend it with you until we’re the last two people on this Earth. I know our love will keep us alive.” Tears spurt down onto his cheeks against his strong will and you wipe them away as you feel yourself swelling up with love, with something beyond joy, and with utmost, utmost adrenaline. “I love you with everything in me.” His voice breaks and you break in tandem. Jungkook envelops a buff arm around you, burying you into his chest, and for the last part of his speech, he draws close to your ear. “Happy birthday.” 

And he kisses that little seashell, kisses the planes of your cheeks until he finds your lips that he seizes, violently, with his until the infinity bursts at the seams, imbuing you with its eternal, yet different energy that promises that everything from now on shall be joyful and beautiful. His sob entangles with yours and, pulling away with a smack, he grins down at you. No piercings, just the flush of his cheeks and the love for you he radiates adorning him—and you love him. 

You love him so awfully devastatingly. 

And you tell him. You tell him as he takes your left second-last finger and slides the promise ring down that digit. And you tell him again when you meet his eyes, as if for the first time all over again and jump into his arms. The diamond reflects the light, stealing it, hiding it for you and him, the size of the ring fitting so perfectly that another set of tears gush through. 

And then he’s patting your bum, telling you to open your gifts and he kneels with you on the floor and goes through each bag he got you. A red lipstick, a perfume, a black silky dress with matching stilettos—all of which he wants you to wear on a Saturday night with him to celebrate. Then, all your favorite ‘you’ things that you love. Face masks, even lip masks, bath bombs, shower gels and body creams. Fluffy socks, pajamas, granny panties. A bottle of red wine and four packs of grape ice vape. 

Jungkook leaves you stunned. And you don’t have time to process all those wonderful things because suddenly you’re up on your feet and you’re led into a rhythm of a song he begins to hum, slow dancing with you in your living room. One hand firm on your waist, the other just as firm clasped around your hand, his eyes fixed on you, mouth in that everlasting pout. 

And you fade into him. Don’t think about your mother and the hurtful things she said. They cease to exist in the atmosphere of your shared life with him, more now than ever. You focus on the stability of his grip on you, the smoothness of his hand, the tightness you feel on your waist that grounds you, your feet that get on well with his in this dance and your hips that he loves to see moving. You focus on yourself; you focus on him. On the way he dressed up for you, ironed his black shirt and on the way he still smells so good, even though he broke a sweat. 

On the way he just committed his life to you. 

And then, he’s dressing you in the pajamas he bought you. Baggy and banana-patterned, beige and yellow colored, sitting you down on your couch and lifting your legs, one by one, to keep your feet warm with your matching socks. He’s taking your make-up off, brushing your teeth and smoothing down a face mask on your forehead, cheeks and chin, pecking you sweetly. And you’re straddling him, putting the same one on the planes of his face, and as you’re focusing, he meditates on something within his heart. 

And Jungkook shares it with you, all ruffled, sleepy and puffy. 

“I love you, my little princess. For all infinity.” 

You breathe it in, believing him. 

“I love you, Jungkookie. For all infinity.” 

You fall asleep like this—on his bare chest with your face mask still on, one that he peels off after the fifteen minute mark. And you dream about what your infinity with him looks like as your age no longer matters and stops here. 

Infinitely young, infinitely loved. 

𓂃 ౨ৎ LOVE-KISSED BABIES: @jjk7k , @tkslovechild , @euphoricmyth , @cinmmongirl , @ririkookiemonster , @perfectiondazesworld , @https-mei , @bangtansonyeondanue , @jungkoock , @cinmmongirl , @hoseokkie-caeks , @kam9404 , @fr0ggieth1nk , @parkinglot-nights

© 2024 hoseoksluna, all rights reserved

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[dilemmaontwolegs]

Setting Him Free || LN4

Pairing: Lando Norris x gf!reader Summary: You are given a once in a lifetime opportunity and accepted into an elite programme but the price is that it is on the other side of the world - far from where your boyfriend lives. Warnings: 18+ only, angst, implied smut, break up WC: 872 F1 Masterlist || Setting Him Free || Meant To Be || Yours, Always

The letter in your hands trembled, the only sound in the house coming from the crinkle of the paper. Your mouth was dry but your cheeks were wet. This moment had been months in the making and you had thought of every possible outcome, but now that it was here it was harder than the worst that you had imagined.

“Well, what does it say?” You tore your eyes away from your future written in the ink to look at Lando. He already knew, the truth showed in his misted eyes, but he needed to hear the confirmation from your lips.

“I got in.”

The quiet words were absorbed by the apartment you had shared with Lando for three wonderful years. You had thought the day you left this apartment would be when you outgrew it with the future you had planned together. But life was funny that way, when a once in a lifetime opportunity came your way everything changed.

“Congratulations.”

You tried to smile but, like his tone, you couldn’t fake feeling excited in this moment. “Thank you.”

The next week passed slowly as you both tiptoed around the subject of your departure, neither ready to have the conversation that hung like a guillotine above your heads. Lando noticed the small changes around the apartment; the spaces on the walls where pictures were framed, the gaps in the wardrobe where clothes hung, the lack of bobby pins he always complained about. He could feel you slipping away.

“It’s only for a year,” Lando murmured in the dark as you perched on the precipice of sleep. “You’ll come back, right?”

“A year is a long time, Lan.” You reached for the lamp and illuminated the room before rolling over to face him. Dark bags hung under his eyes from the hours he laid awake watching you, wondering how many more opportunities he would get to do something so simple. “I want to say yes, but I don’t know where this opportunity will take me next.”

He rolled onto his back and stared at the shadows in the ceiling. “You could have just lied.”

“You want to play pretend?” you asked softly as you reached for his cheek. “You’re my best friend, Lan. You know me better than anyone.”

He cupped your hand against his face and memorised the way it felt, the warmth that radiated from your skin. “You’re more than just my best friend, and you’ll always be more. We don’t have to pretend that.”

“We do tonight,” you whispered. “Tomorrow…tomorrow is it, I’m going and I don’t want either of us stuck in limbo. A year is a long time, you might fall in love with someone else and I don’t want you to feel guilty for it because I’m not there.” The idea was a heavy weight on your chest and the words tasted bitter in your mouth but it was the truth. “I don’t want you to wait for me.”

Lando took your hand and draped it over his shoulder so he could pull your body closer until you were chest to chest. You could see the promise about to fall from his parted lips but you couldn’t bear to hear it, so you stole the words with a kiss.

Neither of you brought attention to the tears that dampened your cheeks, or that taste of salt on his lips. Neither of you broke the charade of lovers embracing in the small hours of the night.

Dawn came without the call of the gulls in the mariner or the colourful shades of yellows and oranges that usually greeted Monaco. Dawn came in a wash of grey that darkened along the horizon with a gathering storm.

“Aren’t you scared?” he asked, his voice breaking under the strain of the night.

“No, I’m not scared, Lan. Are you?”

He closed his eyes at the lie and just held you tighter as a tear escaped from the corner and hit the pillow loudly, breaking the heavy silence. You thought you were all out of tears, but the well was unending as you felt your own eyes burn once more when he too lied, “No, I’m not scared either.”

You swallowed the words that would make goodbye even harder, but you tasted them thick and sweet like molasses on your tongue. I love you, Lando, and there is some fundamental part of me that will always love you. “I should go.”

You kept a hold of his hand as long as you could while the distance grew, slowly slipping away from each finger as he stretched for you. Curling his fingers, he caught your pinky and held on as long as he could without hurting you, but it too was taken from his grasp. The sound he made when his hand fell limp into the warm space you had left in the bed would echo in the empty chambers of your heart long after you left.

“This is really goodbye isn’t it?” he asked quietly as you froze by the door. “What if I never love again?”

“You will, because you deserve it.” You swallowed the choked sound that threatened to fill the room as you opened the door. “Goodbye, Lando.”

Click here for part two.

[artyandink]

i like me better | cj braxton

Summary: Just two childhood best friends, going to ESU together after transferring from Boston Bay College. They’re prepped to have fun, lose sleep and complete essays. But there was a massive tiny problem. CJ’s struggling with a breakup, she’s struggling to help him and they’re both grappling with the realisation that they might be something more.

A/N - Lemme know if you want me to write more CJ! Based off ‘I Like Me Better’ by Lauv :), and this is my first reader story!

TW: Mentions of alcoholism, hurt/angst, breakup, mentions of depression, borderline panic attack(?), idiots in love, tooth-rotting fluff and cuddles, making out (lemme know if there’s anything else)

i like me better (when i'm with you)

Saturday 4th September, 2004 - 09:45 

I was gonna slap this man and ruin his perfect face.

“Hey.” CJ’s hand gripped my shoulder, gently rubbing it and staying so close to me that I could catch the warm, inviting scent of caramel and… mm, coffee. But no, I must stay strong. “C’mon, wake up.” I heard a small noise, as if he was setting something down, and his now free hand made its way into my hair, gently massaging my scalp. “Please?”

“No.” I grumbled, keeping my eyes firmly shut as I laid on my stomach, my head turned away from him as I determinedly tried to keep sleeping. But then again, you can’t force sleep. And as a college student, I know very well that sleep is something coveted. Extremely coveted. But then he started peeling the blanket off, his other hand rubbing my back, arms and over my shirt so I wouldn’t get cold. The touch soothed my tense muscles, and I resigned to the fact that CJ has powers. He could melt me with just one brush of his fingers.

“You’re not still mad at me, are you?” His voice sounded playfully upset, as his hand continued to massage my hair, gently brushing some out of the way. “Uncle Bill told me that you didn’t beat him in a game of poker last night.” My only response was a huff, which told him everything. “Look, m’sorry, sweetheart. Don’t be mad.” I was gonna be mad. I came back from a walk because he said he was attending a college party to find him face down on the sofa, blabbering in slurred words about Jen, the stink of vodka, tequila and beer stinging my senses. It wasn’t pretty, neither were the hurling sounds I’d heard the next morning.

“You broke your sobriety.” I complained into the pillow, my voice muffled by it, but I wanted to turn back around. Hug him, kiss his hair and tell him it would all be ok. Stroke his cheek, kiss his nose and call him my ‘sweet boy’, because that’s what he is. Even if Jen broke him and in turn was the catalyst for him breaking his sobriety. But he… had to learn the hard way. Right? 

“And I’m sorry, but please… look at me.”

“Uh-uh. Learn your lesson.”

“Lesson learnt. C’mon, I brought you a caramel frappuccino. As a peace offering.” At the mention of coffee, I shot up, looking to see the takeaway cup on the bedside table. I grabbed it, holding it to my chest like a baby as I took a sip, humming in approval at the taste. I saw his sparkling green eyes, those pouty lips stretched in a small smile as I accepted his peace offering. “So, you took the bribe.”

“I’m not a cop. I’ll take as many bribes as I damn well please.” I smirked a little, taking another sip and pausing when I realised that even though patience was a virtue that I needed to learn, so was gratitude, that I needed to express.

Because, if he was appeasing me, he wasn’t as mad as I thought because of my silent treatment.

“Thank you.” My voice was a murmur when I said it, because I did feel guilty for giving him the silent treatment. I always felt guilty for being mad at those puppy eyes.

“No problem, sweetheart.” He brushed a loose strand of hair behind my ear with a tilt of his head that made my bones warm up and shiver at the same time. His shaggy brown hair was combed neatly, and he wore his favourite sweater- the brown one with the buttons undone. It also looked amazing on him. Really good. “Can you forgive me?”

“You’re partially forgiven.” I muttered, taking another sip of the coffee, which felt rather like a shield. I was guilty because CJ didn’t deserve my criticism.

He was just… heartbroken.

And I wasn’t making things better, not by ridiculing him for having human emotion.  It felt like sharp rocks in my stomach- like I was feeling a pain that wasn’t even mine in the first place. Like they’d cut so deep I’d bleed through my repentance.

“I’ll take partially.” He reached over tentatively to squeeze my hand, my own feeling so small in his. “Because I don’t want you being that mad for too long. I hate your silent treatment.”

“I hate my silent treatment too, but…” I sighed, “I can’t, you know, see you like that. I know it’s selfish.” The moment I finished my sentence, I felt another bout of gentle pressure on my hand, coupled by the corner of his lips turning down.

“It’s not selfish.” CJ assured, his thumb rubbing soothingly over my knuckles. “You’re looking out for me, and that’s not selfish.”

I started to hyperventilate, short gasps coming from my mouth as I thought about how heartbreaking the scene of CJ, on the couch, crying out his heart was. His rosy cheeks shining with tears, green eyes going down the red colour spectrum and his shirt stained with the salty liquid. “What if Jen had gone about this differently? Had she not insulted you publicly? What if I’d spoken up, or helped you more, o-or-”

I was instantly drawn into his chest, his hand setting the frappe aside as his arms wrapped firmly around me. My cheek was resting against the soft fuzz and fluff of his sweater that felt like a blanket. Like he was protecting me for something I didn’t deserve protection for. I was hurting him, unnecessarily. 

“Shh.” His hand cupped my cheek, stroking my cheekbone with his thumb while the other went securely around my waist, pulling me into his lap and holding me there. “You’ve done all you can. Don’t beat yourself up over this, ok?”

“I could’ve done more-”

“Shh…” He rocked me in his arms ever so slightly, his nose buried in my hair as he inhaled the scent of my shampoo.

CJ felt like he had sharp rocks in his stomach. That weighed him down and pierced at him until he felt like he’d bleed. Jen was never a bad person. She had her flaws, as did everyone else, and she truly was good at heart. But when she dropped him with seldom an explanation, avoiding his every advance and not touching him with a ten foot pole, he wished he could hate her for it. But he couldn’t help but think it was something to do with him. Now here his best friend was, curled up on his lap and blaming herself for his problems.

He was being a major ass.

His arm tightened again, almost as if to envelop me in his comfort and protection. “It was never your responsibility to pull my drunk ass off the floor.” He gave me a kiss on my temple, his voice a low, deep murmur. “Never was, never is and never will be. Please cheer up.” He gave me a kiss on my cheek, humming a little. A smile started to tug at my lips, so he matched the warm expression and bent his head down again.

His pillowy lips pried the rain clouds in my head apart, sweet pecks on my cheeks paired with honeyed nothings in my ear. His kisses felt like stamps on my cheek, marking me as his without leaving anything but a rosy hue on my skin. To tell the truth, I was always his. Ever since I found out what the weird butterflies in my stomach meant. What the weird tingly feeling I had whenever he flashed that winning smile at me meant. Ever since I started seeing his adorable little pout when he was playfully mad and finding myself wanting to kiss him until I couldn’t breathe and neither could he.

Sunlight streamed through the dark clouds as he rubbed soothing circles onto my waist over my sweatshirt, the other holding my knee over my grey sweatpants as his hair tickled my temple from the angle where he’d bent his head to press his lips against my cheek, outlining any freckle he found until I was a sunny, happy, giggling, blushing thing in his arms. “You’re forgiven.”

“Eh, that’s it.” He chuckled deeply, giving me one last squeeze by his strong arms before cupping my cheeks and placing one last kiss on my hairline. “There she is; attagirl. Now, I was on the phone with Uncle Bill before you woke up. He wants you to stop letting him win otherwise he’ll stop betting money and replace it with dental floss.”

“Can’t have that.” I giggled, shaking my head. Uncle Bill was also like my own family at this point, and since I was a good hand at poker, we always played rounds on Friday nights that I always won and gained some cash from. But I wasn’t really in the mood to win yesterday. Not when the previous week, I’d found CJ drunk off his rocker on our couch. “I’ll go hard on him next time.”

“You better. Don’t want him getting a big head, do we?” His fingers played with mine, tracing each delicate one before lifting my hand to his lips and brushing them over every knuckle before he turned my hand over and let them tease the inside of my wrist. “Now, c’mon. We need to be productive.”

“Define productive.”

“Beating Toad on Mario Kart.”

“Yep, that’s productive.”

Monday 6th September, 2004 - 07:30

CJ groaned when he felt the light from the window burn his eyes, his hand reaching up to block it until his poor eyelids and pupils could adjust to the intense rays that blinded him. That’s when he saw a figure outlined by the light like an angel, silhouette blurry as he blinked rapidly and his head picked up. But the person standing there was no angel. To him, she was a goddess. His best friend.

“You ass.” He chuckled as he rolled out of bed, grabbing his sweatshirt as he stood up. “You take pride in seeing me looking like a hedgehog in the morning.” His voice got more low as he pulled his grey sweatshirt on, but then he walked over to me, cupping my cheeks and pressing a tender kiss to my forehead. “Mornin’, sweetheart.”

“Morning, sweet boy.” I giggled, playfully rubbing where he’d kissed. That made him let out a fake incredulous gasp, swatting my arm.

“Hey! You just rubbed off the magic.” He took my chin gently, tilting it to kiss my forehead again. “There, all sorted. Now, don’t go rubbing it, ok?”

“Fine, fine, I won’t rub ‘the magic’ off.” I air-quoted the phrase with a sarcastic drawl, which earned an eyebrow raise and a teasing smirk from CJ as he then seized me by the waist, starting to tickle my sides. The sensation almost made my knees give way as I shrieked a little, a gasp escaping my mouth as I attempted to wriggled out of his grip. “Hey- CJ!” I was breathless in between laughs, his own chuckles deep in my ear as I squirmed. “C’mon, don’t-don’t do this to me, it isn’t fair-”

“It’s fair.” He smirked before using his grip to lift me up and started walking, planting my feet in the kitchen. I pouted at him, but it slowly turned into a smirk as I began tickling the back of his neck. He shied away instantly, his neck seizing up as he backed off with raised hands in surrender. “Hey! No fair!”

“It’s fair.” I smirked as I passed by, giving him a peck on the cheek before moving to make our coffee. Behind my back, CJ raised a tentative hand to his cheek, touching the spot which I kissed as he licked his lips, biting them as they stretched into a goofy grin. His cheeks flushed red as what three words threatened to spill from his lips, but even as the expression and thought remained like it was burned there, he couldn’t understand why he had the urge to smile whenever he saw his best friend. Why he wanted to pull her closer, brush his lips over hers and maybe even make out against the kitchen counter, her hand in his hair while his bunched up the soft material of her sweatshirt and felt her soft thighs through those baggy sweatpants. Leaving a trail of fire down her neck, no match, lighter and gasoline- just his lips. Hearing sounds that he knew would be sweet as honey. Holding her in the morning, being the last thing she saw before she fell asleep and the first thing her eyes met when she woke up.

He was still hung up on Jen. But here his best friend was, with her tendency to always wear sweatpants that flattered her paired with a rope braid that always had a few strands of hair loose that he was itching to tuck behind her ear. Not to mention that she always had a twinkle in her eye when she looked at him, paired with a pouty smile on her pretty pink lips that he just wanted to kiss until they were swollen. He wanted her to kiss his lips until they were swollen.

He wanted to be hers. At least, he always was, but he wanted to add a label to it.

Wait, he wanted to add a label to it?

“Here. Caffeine fix.” I passed him a mug of steaming hot coffee that snapped him out of his reverie while I sipped my own cup, both of ours exactly how we both liked it. Creamer and two teaspoons of sugar. “Should be enough for our first day at Empire State University.”

“Orientation and everything.” He chuckled, looking up at the ceiling as he sipped his coffee with a low moan of approval. “Tastes great, sweetheart. Anyway, I doubt we’d be separated. Not after we put in special requests to dorm together.”

The statement made me giggle, his pouty lips wavering my focus for a second as he gulped down a second sip of the sweet coffee. “Exactly. Who could possibly match our energy? It’s impossible.”

Monday 6th September, 2004 - 09:24

“M’already five minutes into this lecture and I’m getting bored.” CJ groaned, leaning his head on my shoulder and inhaling the scent of my body wash as the Psychology lecturer droned and on about the basics of psychology in a monotone voice that evidently suggests that he does not want to be here. And now I’m writing an English literature analysis essay in my brain, which is not helping. Everyone had already bothered to study up on psychology basics, so the class was full of chucking crumpled notes about to make friends, and there was even a couple called Gavin and Stacey with their lips locked in the back of the hall.

It was a mess.

“Tell me about it.” I sighed, taking a long sip from my water bottle as I leaned my head on CJ’s, his cologne dizzying me for a moment. My fingers began playing with his hair, winding the soft, floppy strands around my fingers loosely. He yawned into the crook of my neck, his eyelashes fluttering as he took deep breaths and tried to focus himself but failing miserably.

“Help.” He murmured, letting out a small puff of breath as I doodled in my notebook. “M’bored.”

In order to combat his boredom, I ripped a sheet of paper quietly out of a refill book I had in my bag and placed it on the table, drawing a 3x3 table. “Tic Tac Toe?”

“Don’t mind if I do.” We played a couple rounds of it, all of which ended up with CJ winning because he insisted he started first and always pulled out the puppy dog eyes if I so much as refused. Obviously, I couldn’t protest any longer otherwise I’d lean in to kiss that pout away. My hand on his cheek or running through his silky hair, leaning in with soft giggles to get addicted to those lips and soft smiles all over again. Seeing him on top of me, looking at me with that warmth in his eyes that I always saw him look at Jen with. Hearing his groans in my ear, alone in his bed as he whispered sweet nothings to me while his lips trailed a path of sin over my skin. Clothes hitting the floor in a dimly lit room. Being the first thing he saw when he woke up and the last thing he saw before he slept.

But that’s all an unreachable, lucid dream, right?

Friday 22nd October, 2004 - 17:12

CJ and I crept up the driveway of Uncle Bill’s house, hunched over even though there was nothing to hide from as we giggled like crazy. Our pinkies were intertwined, as we both registered how stupid-ass we looked, snickering like little gremlins as we reached the door, CJ’s hand lifting to rap on the door how he usually did, followed by him putting his spare key into the lock as we opened the door. Uncle Bill’s house looked homely, cozy even, but only because CJ and I made it so because the elderly man didn’t really have a penchant for decorating. We wiped out feet on the welcome mat, grins on our faces as we hung up our coats on the rack beside the door. “Uncle Bill?” CJ called out with a chuckle, and I set down my grocery bag to take off my shoes, CJ following suit.

“Don’t ignore us, c’mon.” I giggled, and then the old man grunted from the living room, responding to us.

“Don’t just lurk in there, you two. C’mere.” We shared a look as CJ and I walked into the living room, where CJ’s Uncle Bill was sat on the sofa, elbows deep in a soap opera. When he saw us, he stood up, shuffling over with a smile. “Hey, kiddo.” He grinned at CJ, who hugged him. “Nice to know you haven’t forgotten this old geezer.”

“Oh, never.” CJ responded casually as Bill clapped the former’s shoulder before he turned his attention to me.

“Ah.” He took a good look at me. “You haven’t gotten any taller. CJ still looks like a tree.”

“A handsome tree, I hope.” CJ smirked, then nudged me. “You do look like a forest fairy sometimes.”

“Shut up, I tried my hardest. Plus, 5’ 7” isn’t bad, you 6’ 1” yeti.” I chuckled as I hugged Bill, swaying a bit. I’d known Uncle Bill since I could talk, same as CJ, so we were practically family at this point. And even though he was a grouchy ‘old geezer’, I still loved the ‘old geezer’ as if he was my own uncle. “Good to see you, Uncle Bill.”

“You too, sweetheart.” He patted my back, then took a look at us both with a proud smile. “I remember when you two were small little munchkins. Bawling every other minute. Now look at you both, all grown up. In college, together. I swear, you’re joined at the goddarn hip.” He reached up to pat our cheeks, then frowned in confusion. “You sure you two ain’t datin’ yet?”

“No, Uncle Bill, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” CJ raised a warning hand paired with a smug smirk. “I’m way out of her league.”

I picked up a newspaper from the side table, rolling it up and slapping him in the head with it. “Shut it, I’m way out of your league.” Then I turned to Bill, holding up the bag of groceries that we’d picked up for him. “Shall we?” I walked off with the elderly man, setting the newspaper to the side.

CJ chuckled to himself as he watched me walk off, in his hoodie and my sweatpants that made me look like an angel but a walking temptation at the same time. “Yes, you are.” He muttered under his breath, rubbing the back of his neck while biting his lip. To him, his best friend was unattainable. With those dimples, eyes and those sweet smiles.

The evening was spent with rounds of poker that I won every time, Uncle Bill complaining about something or the other in his house over glasses of juice, punch and water. CJ hadn’t had much practice at poker, so he was finding it hard to keep up with the skill of the likes of regular players such as Bill and I. That resulted in quite a bit of teasing and playful ruffles of hair, and me having to kiss CJ’s cheek to appease him and take that grumpy little pout off his face.

“C’mon, boy, buck up.” Bill gruffly ordered, dealing another round. “You just need practice.”

“Let me guess…” CJ deadpanned, “practice makes perfect, don’t be sad, because it’s not about winning and it’s about having fun.”

“Wrong. It is about winning, cause you win money. It’s all about the money.”

“Yeah, Cee.” I smirked, giggling as I counted the amount of twenty dollar bills that I’d earned so far. I was sure I’d empty Uncle Bill’s pocket soon. “It’s about the money.”

“You two are addicts.” CJ huffed, shaking his head with a laugh. “You’re as bad as each other.”

“Sore loser.” Uncle Bill snorted.

“Yeah, sore loser.” I snickered before taking my dealt hand.

Hours later, we were in the middle of a round of poker when we looked to Uncle Bill and found that he was fast asleep, starting to snore. I giggled, setting down my cards and gesturing to CJ. “Pack this up, I’ll get him to bed.” As I turned my back, moving to put a blanket over Uncle Bill, CJ’s phone lit up with a text.

A clearly drunken series of texts.

Jen: I miss you

Jen: Come back

Jen: Pleeassse, CJ

Jen: Ily so much

Jen: Cmonnn, give me another chance

Those texts made everything come crashing down again. All those suppressed emotions and focusing on anything but Jen and now she was texting him, drunk. Tears welled in his eyes as he struggled to keep them down, burying himself with the task of cleaning up the cards until he felt a hand on his hair, a gentle hand taking the pack of cards out of his hands and set it down.

Next thing he knew, he was in the spare bedroom upstairs, curled up with his head in his best friend’s lap while he cried his eyes out into her grey sweatpants, leaving water stains behind as he tasted salt.

I stroked his hair, fighting the urge to cry myself as I cradled him like I did back when he had his depression spell. I whispered words of encouragement and love to him, trying to make him feel the slightest bit better as those pretty green eyes steadily turn redder by the second.

I had to stop the cycle somehow, but I wasn’t sure how to.

Sunday 7th November 2004 - 15:48

CJ and I were writing our Psychology essays on my bed, discussing ideas to reach the 3000 word minimum requirement. The room was filled with our low rumbles of conversation, flipping of book pages and the scratching of pens on paper. But his eyes kept on flicking curiously to me, his lips pursed slightly as he noted how our time right now didn’t consist of giggles, jokes and playful pecks on the cheek paired with cuddling. It was somber, almost quiet, and he could sense that with my loving glances, there was a small weight to them that he couldn’t explain, but he knew I could.

“Hey.” He reached out, brushing my curtain bangs out of my face. His head tilted as he gazed into my eyes, finding only a sadness that he didn’t like to see. “What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

“Nothing, Cee.” I whispered, but he thumbed my bottom lip with a soft frown. His eyes looked so worried, it ached my heart and it ached his too, seeing me without my usual smile. My lips parted in a silent gasp, my breath hitching as I closed my eyes to steady myself before opening them and taking a good look at him.

I wanted to say what three words so badly.

But he was hurting.

“Looks far from nothing to me.” His thumb on my lip tried to push them up into a smile, but when one didn’t come, he pulled me into his arms. It was like we had a psychic link. Whenever one of us were upset, the other was. If one was guilty, the other would try and find any reason whatsoever to feel the same.

Right now?

I felt lost, just as lost as CJ.

I didn’t feel lost when I was curled up on his lap, my head in the crook of his neck while he rocked me gently. I didn’t feel lost in the slightest when he murmured affirmations into my ear along with little kisses. I didn’t feel lost when his fingers brushed my cheek and his lips wiped away the one tear on my cheek that dared to escape my eyes, his fingers soothing the following ones.

I knew that if he let me go, I’d feel just as lost as ever. Unsure how to help him and unsure how long we’d pass the hot potato in the form of negative emotions that manifested as per their own will back and forth like a pendulum. It was a cycle.

One of us got upset, the other cuddled with them until the sniffles went away. Then vice versa, and it would… never… stop. I just wanted it to stop.

“I’ve got you.” He whispered into my ear, kissing the spot beside it as he drew comforting circles on my back. “S’gonna be ok, sweetheart. I’ve got you. You can tell me what’s up when you’re ready, ‘k?”

“You’re hurting.” I whispered, gripping his grey Henley in a tight fist. He let out a long breath through his nose before nuzzling it in my hair. “It hurts when you hurt.”

“Sweet girl.” He whispered, sounding like he was physically pained to hear those words. “I may be hurting, but please don’t-don’t do that to yourself, ok? I’m almost over Jen, just hold out on me a bit longer, y’hear? I can’t see you like this. I just need that beautiful smile, ok?”

“Please be ok.” I whispered. “Soon. I’m so mad at Jen, but she-she’s not even a bad person, so I can’t fully hate her.”

“I feel the same way.” He kissed my hair. “But this is affecting you, so I’ll try my hardest to get better. I promise.”

“Don’t do this just for me.” I pleaded quietly. “Do it for yourself, too.”

“I’ll try.” He whispered, still rocking me. “Let’s set down these essays, and take a break. We can watch Johnny English together to cheer you up. I know I’ve been holdin’ out on watching it, but I can make an exception.”

I sniffed, looking up at him with watery eyes. “Really?”

“Really.” He kissed my cheek, then swept me into a bridal carry, his strong arms cradling me to his chest as he walked over to the sofa, laying me down. “Just lay back and relax, sweetheart. I’ll get the popcorn.”

The rest of the night was spent with loud laughs, comforting kisses as he held me close under the blanket. I couldn’t help but look at his perfect side profile as he stared at the TV with a wide grin on his face as he chuckled at Rowan Atkinson’s shenanigans on the flashing screen. His face illuminated in the dark room (the blinds were drawn) looked so peaceful, his arm around my shoulder and a few strands of hair brushing over his forehead that I wanted to move with my fingertips.

Instead I snuggled into his chest, his arms instinctively cocooning me in his embrace. CJ closed his eyes, wanting to do all of this all over again but this time with us kissing each other’s lips and telling each other ‘I love you’.

I’m in love with you.

I’ve fallen for you.

I’m hopelessly addicted to you.

The words were right there, but he choked up at the last moment.

You’re my best friend.

You’re my rock.

My everything.

It was easy to say in his head, but not so much out loud.

You’re my universe, sweetheart. Ever since we could talk.

Sunday 19th December, 2004 - 18:26

We were celebrating Uncle Bill’s birthday, so, naturally, we were over at his house. Even better for Uncle Bill, Grams, or Evie, as Bill knew her, was coming over to visit. So I’d finished dressing up in a plaid dress, putting a belt over it and letting my hair loose for once. I ran a comb through it, and I could barely remember the last time I dressed up was my graduation. I put one last swipe of lip gloss on, then opened the door and descended down the stairs nervously. Uncle Bill and Grams had their backs to me, but CJ’s eyes lit on fire when he looked up from the lively conversation to see me standing there. He instantly stood up so fast he almost toppled over the armrest of the sofa, his jaw almost hitting the floor.

“You…” A grin twitched at his lips as he made his way over to me in a daze, taking my hand and twirled me, “look stunning. My god, sweetheart. But… personally?” His lips brushed my ear and his voice lowered to a murmur. “You look even better in sweatpants.”

“Oh, shush, you.” I snickered, and then we saw Uncle Bill and Grams’ eyes on both of us with smirks on their faces. The air turned awkward, but then CJ lifted my hand to his mouth to kiss my knuckle before interlocking our pinkies as they dropped.

“You look beautiful, darling.” Grams smiled affectionately, gesturing for us to come over and sit down.

“Thank you, Grams.” I grinned.

“Like a Barbie doll, sweetheart.” Bill added, but got swatted on the arm by Grams. “What? Y’all can compliment her but I can’t?”

“That’s not what I’m saying, honey, and you know it.” She laid a hand on Bill’s forearm. “How about I go with CJ to get your cake ready, hm?” She looked keenly towards CJ, who clapped his hands and rubbed them together, going with Grams, who shuffled into the kitchen with CJ. The cake was already laid out, which planted some confusion in the poor boy’s mind.

“Was this some masterful plot to get me to talk about something?” He asked with a raised eyebrow as Grams shut the door behind them.

“You got that right, young man.” Grams gave him a smile, then gestured for him to sit on the barstool in the kitchen. He obliged, sitting his apprehensive ass down before he had the mind to complain or object. “Now, I don’t want you to deny anything that I’m about to say, because frankly, CJ, I have seen enough to know.”

“Know-?” CJ chuckled nervously. “K-Know what, exactly?”

“You are madly in love with that stunning young lady in the next room.” The fact that it was said aloud caught CJ off guard, rendering him speechless. “I have no objection to this matter, even if my granddaughter and you were quite the couple, but that isn’t the point here. I understand from William that you and that girl have been friends since you could talk. And it is quite clear to me how closeted you are about your true feelings, when all she does is reciprocate them in her own special way, which is letting you shower your affection because it makes her feel special. In more specific words, you make her feel special.” She laid a hand on his shoulder. “You are a handsome boy, but you are also, as I’ve said before, someone of pure heart and good intention. I love my granddaughter, but no one is a better match for you… than your best friend.”

To say that CJ was flabbergasted was an understatement. He’d never considered that his best friend could reciprocate his feelings.

That never occurred to him once. But nah, she couldn’t. She’s too good for him.

Sunday 19th December, 2004 - 9:56

CJ walked into the spare bedroom where his best friend was staying, and found her in his favourite outfit of hers, sitting on the bed with her back against the headboard. Sweatpants. The lip gloss was still on, and still looked stunning.

He closed the door, his eyes flicking down to my lips as he walked over, desperate to kiss it off and taste it on his tongue, but he digresses. “Hey, sweetheart.”

“Hey, Cee.” I smiled, patting the space beside me, which he flopped onto.

“I know I’ve probably said this a million times, but you look amazing.” He reached out, tucking a few loose strands of hair behind my ear. I blushed, my eyes flicking down to his lips before back up.

“I’m in sweatpants.”

“Exactly. Amazing.” His lips brushed my cheek, then he grinned softly and continued to press them over and over again, lips soft as silk, and I knew they’d taste as sweet as sugar. His hand cradled my cheek, his thumb stroking my cheekbone as I giggled and blushed even harder. “So amazing.”

“You’re just saying that.” I chuckled, leaning into his hand as I looked down bashfully. My lips parted slightly, fighting off the urge to smile like a goof.

“No, I’m not.” He muttered, smiling against my cheek as his nose brushed it as well. He let out a deep sigh, nuzzling into my cheek. “God, I love you.” The words slipped out, and I looked to him just as he thumbed my bottom lip, his breath mingling more with mine by the second as his pretty eyelashes fluttered closed.

“What-?”

“Shh…” He murmured, his lips pressing against mine, sweet as ambrosia as the taste of coffee, vanilla sponge cake and chocolate flooded my tongue. His gentle touch on my cheek had me melting as my own mouth found the dignity to respond, my hand tangling in his hair as I breathed in… his cologne. Cinnamon. Vanilla scented body wash. I broke apart briefly, my lips barely grazing his as a soft gasp fell from my lips as I leaned back in, tilting my head as I met him halfway.

That sweet sound, god, that sound, it almost made CJ melt. His hand immediately hooked under my knee, pulling it across his legs and setting it down so I was straddling him. His hand gripped my waist gently, not missing a beat as he pressed me against him, feeling everything he could. The way my hand slid across his chest, over his Henley, as his tongue brushed my bottom lip, a low sound of pleasure swallowed by my mouth falling from his. My fingers rubbed his soft hair, gently tugging until I got a moan from him that made me feel like I was on fire. He only added gasoline to it, coaxing more noises out of me by leaving a trail of hot, open mouthed kisses down my neck as his hand squeezed my upper thigh as the other rubbed my hip in circles.

His hand on my thigh kneaded down to my knee then back up, gently gripping and rolling my hips down to meet his, which made us both jolt and meet in the middle again, honeyed sounds leaving both of our mouths, the hot air stealing mine while CJ’s vibrated against my neck. My head tipped back to allow him better access to me, fully trusting him. I could never not, and this right here felt like a dream. I always was his, but now, I was… his. Really his.

His hand took mine as he sweetly mouthed at my neck, breaking off to press a kiss to my knuckle and then my palm, placing that hand over his heart in a silent thank you for letting him touch me like this. The gesture made me smile, and I tilted his head back up to capture his heavenly, sinful lips again after they made me feel like the only girl in the world. He reached for my hip again, pulling me flush against him, but his elbow accidentally knocked his phone to the floor with a loud clatter that had both of us cringing and looking at the door for any signs of someone entering.

“You kids alright in there?” We heard Uncle Bill call out, followed my Grams’ voice after.

“Leave them alone, William, they can take care of themselves. Besides, I’m sure they’re… busy.”

I turned back to CJ, who gave me an apologetic grin, tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and kissed my nose and then a bold freckle on my left cheek. “Sorry.” He mouthed, but I giggled instead and pecked his lips for another taste.

“It’s ok.” I whispered, brushing his hair back from his face with a smile. “For what it’s worth… I’m in love with you, too.”

The statement had him grinning like an idiot, cupping my cheeks and pressing his forehead against mine. “That’s worth everything, sweetheart.”

Monday 27th December, 2004 - 8:46

“God, Cee…”

The cool slab of the kitchen counter in our apartment pressed against my back, a contrast to the warm hand pushing up my sweatshirt. My hand was buried in CJ’s hair as his lips moved against mine like they were on fire and I was the only source of quenching it, like he was in the desert and I was his only source of pure water. His palm pressed against the now exposed skin of my waist, a low chuckle escaping from his lips.

I giggled in response, humming as his lips connected hungrily with mine once again, the taste of our morning coffee flooding each other’s mouths as he hummed back, his other hand reaching up to take the band tying her rope braid together and letting it loose, his fingers working to untangle the strands and mess it up just right. He let out another low moan that I couldn’t help but whimper in response to, especially as his hand squeezed my thigh playfully, lifting it to hook it over his hip before his lips regretfully left mine and instead descended to tease my neck in a way that had me tilting my head for him and pressing myself back into the counter to avoid getting hyperthermia; he was making me feel that much like the friggin’ sun.

CJ let out another low chuckle before lavishing more attention on my neck in order to elicit more sounds from my mouth. “You know,” He murmured between kisses, “I’ve always imagined doing this here.”

“Making out?” I breathlessly replied, also laughing a bit before it dissolved into a whine, those pillowy lips working their magic. As always.

“Oh, yeah.” He teased playfully, his hand in my hair tilting my head just a bit more, fingers massaging my scalp to soothe me as he planted a few more open-mouthed kisses on my neck, his elbow keeping my leg on his hip while his hand moved to play delicately with the drawstring of my sweatpants, tugging on it to make my breath hitch. “But now? Now, I’ve got a bit more in mind.”

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[pablitogavii]

Her babysitter

"Thank you so much for letting her stay with you for a few days Pablo! Promise it won't be longer than a week sweetheart!" your mom said petting your head and you rolled your eyes feeling once again 'dumped' to the side because of some 'important business trip'.

"Yeah right!" you snarled walking away and Pablo looked after you with clenched jaw feeling guilty for noticing the way your perky butt bounces as you stomp away.

"No problem. I have a free week anyways!" Pablo said while escorting them out and walking back to the living room where you already grabbed a tub of ice cream and ate it with a spoon.

"I see you already found my secret tub of ice cream, huh preciosa? Do you mind sharing some with me??" Pablo said looking at you while you licked the spoon feeling his pants tighten. Damn it! He needed to get it out of his head at once but it was no use!

"Mhm.." you said moving towards him and dipping your spoon into the half melted vanilla ice cream before bringing it into his mouth. Pablo was took by surprise but took it nevertheless thinking about how good it tasted especially with a hint of 'you' in it.

"It's really delicious but you shouldn't eat too much and ruin the dinner" he said taking the spoon away with the tub and you rolled your eyes calling him annoying.

"Seriously!? Enough with the eye rolls! Good girls don't behave that way.." he whispered the last part into your ear you felt your skin fill with goosebumps in response. You might hate the fact that your parents constantly dump you places..but when it was at your handsome neighbors house, you don't exactly mind that much.

You always hated how he would act like you're a child just because you're 16 and he turned 19 recently! But now he was calling you a good girl..maybe things changed??

After dinner, you were sipping on some apple juice while he put the dishes in the washing machine. He was usually shirtless around the house and your eyes were enjoying the way his muscles would flex with every movement he made.

Then it came to mind..be his good girl and see the reaction?

"Thank you for the dinner Pablo.." you said shyly and he raised his head up and looked at you with a small smile plastered on his handsome face.

"Of course! Do you want to watch a movie before going to bed??" he asked and you jumped in excitement rushing to pick something while he chuckled walking after you.

"I want to watch this one! It's the newest horror movie that came out!!" you said but Pablo already saw the trailer and thought it was not a very good idea.

"This is not the time for that movie preciosa..maybe something less scary huh?" he said tucking a piece of your hair behind your ear and although you blushed at his gesture, you were not gonna let him keep treating you like a child just because he was your babysitter now!

"Would you stop treating me like I'm fucking four! I want to watch this move and if you're too scared then I'll do it alone in my room!" you spat and Pablo's jaw was clenching. He imagined tossing you over his lap and spanking your little butt for those foul words leaving your sweet mouth but instead he just grabbed the remote and pressed play.

The movie was terrible..so much gore..jump scares..and overall terror. Pablo caught you jumping up a few times and he was smirking in amusement. You were too stubborn to accept it but deep down you knew now that Pablo was absolutely right.

"Alright, that's over..time for bed" he got up while you were still curled up in a blanket on the sofa too scared to move and go down the dark hallway leading to the guest room you started calling your own.

"Everything okay preciosa?" Pablo said waiting for you to admit that you were scared but that never came as you just got up and walked away bravely while he chuckled.

"Goodnight Pablo.." you whisper when he passed you to go to his own room which was across the hallway and he turned around smiling warmly.

"Goodnight preciosa" he said entering his room the same time as you. You laid in the cold dark room for an hour trying desperately to fall asleep but it wouldn't happen. You could hear every little creek and everything scared you making your brain hyper alert on every detail. You wondered if Pablo fell asleep already..?

Knock Knock

"Come in preciosa.." Pablo's groggy voice said and you quickly opened the door not wanting to be alone in that dark hallway for long.

"Um..I..can't sleep Pablo" you say shyly playing with the edge of the big t-shirt you used as your pajamas.

"And why is that huh?" he said with a proud smirk and you felt angry that he was teasing you now so your stubbornness took the best of you as you said that he was mean.

Then just as he was about to answer something fell outside from the strong wind and you screamed rushing to his bed and he collected your small body in his strong arms (gif).

"Shh..shh..it's alright" he said kissing your shoulder and you felt your whole body heating up. Were you really sitting on his lap with his arms around you and his lips left a kiss on your skin!?

"Please don't be mad at me..please don't be mad..but I'm scared from the movie..and I don't want to sleep alone!" you admitted everything not caring if he teases you or not but just wanting to say like this forever.

"Shh..I'm not mad preciosa..just..lay here with me?" he said gulping a little when our eyes met before quickly looking away. I saw him stare at my lips multiple times..but he wouldn't always restrain himself..why was he doing that??

"Um..thank you" you sniffled and he dried your tears but still keeping you on his lap and soon enough you were both kissing each other feverishly like your life depended on being close to each other like this.

"F..fuck! You taste better than I imagined!" Pablo groaned when you pulled away for air and he was holding your hair in the tight grip messing it up completely.

"Hmm..I'm hot Pablo..all over.." you whined blushing hard when you saw him smirk while shamelessly observing your body pulling on your t-shirt until it was on the floor and you were sitting there in your matching pink set.

"I can fix that preciosa..just relax" he said with a low voice before flipping you over and getting on top starting to suck marks all over your sensitive neck. Your mind was sent into oblivion...

He was kissing from my neck to my lips repeatedly while my eyes were closed and I focused on his heavy breathing remembering how many nights I wondered what he would sound like in these situations.

When he started to kiss lower, I became a little self conscious never have done this before so I placed my hand into his hair and called his name softly. He immediately stopped looking up with me with kind eyes.

"Um..nobody..ever touched me like that" you say and he smiled moving up and kissing your lips lovingly again.

"It's okay preciosa..we don't have to do anything tonight if you don't want to okay? I can wait" he said and you blushed feeling nervous but also wanting desperately to have Pablo be the first one to make you feel good.

"Hey..look at me! I'm not mad at you okay..I'm very patient for something I really want..and if I was able to hear you moan my name at night whenever you would stay over for months, I can wait until you feel ready okay?" he said giggling a little while caressing my now completely red face. Did he really hear me moan his name!?

"Um..I'm..I'm ready..just..take it slow" you say and he smiled nodding his head and kissing your lips and then your nose.

"Don't be embarrassed with me preciosa..I think you're perfect" he said and you smiled finally moving your hands from your chest and he slowly took off your matching set kissing down your body.

"We won't go all the way tonight..we will prepare you for that slowly but I will make you feel good okay?" he said inches away from your swollen clit and you moaned nodding your head in agreement.

When his lips finally attached to your heated core, your head was thrown back and you started seeing stars on the celling of his bedroom. He was lapping at your core like a starved animal pinning your hips down whenever you would try to instinctively move away.

"Mm que deliciosa.." he groaned ending vibrations all over your body before continuing to suck intensively on your core and you arched your back feeling heat collect in the pit of your stomach.

"Uh..uh" you whined and he looked up at you to make sure you're okay before continuing to do his work diligently smirking when he felt your juices spilling out of your hole as he licked your clean.

"Good girl! Give it all to me baby.." he spoke and that was enough to send you over the edge as your thighs shook as your hand gripped his hair out of instinct.

"Awe look at you shaking preciosa..shh..shh..so sensitive and perfect" Pablo kissed your thighs moving up and laying beside you quickly pulling you on top of him for cuddles.

"If you want me to go?" you said after a few seconds unsure of what he was thinking. Meanwhile Pablo was in awe at how lucky he was that you were finally in his arms.

"You're not going anywhere!"Pablo said and you blushed nodding your head and nuzzling your nose into his neck.

The next morning, you woke up first smiling at how tightly Pablo was holding onto you while gently touching his sleeping face. After a few seconds, you placed a finger on his lips and he woke up playfully biting it making your squeal.

"Mm morning preciosa" he said tightening his grip even more while kissing your lips gently.

"You're squishing me Pablo!" you say and he giggles kissing all over your neck and face before letting you breathe.

"Good!" he said and you blushed leaning in to kiss his shortly again which he welcomed. Your moment was interrupted by his phone beeping with a message.

"It's your mom saying she will pick you up soon.." Pablo said answering shortly before putting it away and bringing all his attention back to you.

"And what if I don't want to go...?" you say touching his abs while he caressed your head kissing it gently.

"You first didn't want to stay, remember??" Pablo teased and you blushed hiding your face into his neck again while giggling.

"You're the best babysitter Pablo" you smirk looking up at him and he blushes a little shaking his head at your little comment.

"Eres mala..muy mala preciosa" he said hovering on top of you and kissing your lips passionately. You instinctively opened your legs for him which made him proudly smirk down at you.

"Although you're very hard to resist preciosa mia..we don't have the proper time right now" he said knowing that your mom will be here any minute now. You whined at those words touching his face and pulling him down for a kiss.

When you finally got up and your mom was at the door, Pablo politely greeted her and said goodbye to you. You were almost inside the car when you saw Pablo at the window looking at you longingly and you lied that you forgot something.

You ran inside all the way to the living room before jumping into Pablo's arms and kissing his lips lovingly. He chuckled holding you up with his hands resting on your butt and his lips devouring yours.

"What are you doing here preciosa?" he said

"I forgot something" you giggle kissing him again and he chuckled putting you down after a few more sweet kisses.

"Here you go..if your mom asks" he said giving you a water bottle which you took and blushed when he winked at you playfully.

"I'll see you soon!" you say very much excited for it.

"You will preciosa" Pablo said before you closed the door and left with your mom. You had your face glued to the phone screen texting with Pablo and already missing being surrounded by his strong arms.

After last night, you will never again be grumpy for being left by your parents..especially with your new babysitter ;))

[sunriize]

you know, he won’t

anton x fem!reader

warnings: (his name is mentioned once so you can very much imagine anyone else in his position) angst angst angsttttttt, mention of period, cussing, questioning his sexuality and damn its just angst guys. fluff if u squint and face away from ur screen👍(proofread but take it w a grain of salt its 5.20am rn)

your relationship with anton was complicated. it seems crazy to say that because you were dating him —have been for years. you knew you loved him, or else you wouldn’t have stayed all those years. it was just how he treats you.

he didn’t treat you badly, you dont think he was even capable of doing so, he was just… so, absent minded? inattentive rather. he just never paid attention. of course theres the cute things that he does like, buying you a fresh bouquet of flowers every weekend, or buying you snacks when you’re on your period. but it was never your favourites, it was never fresh smelling hyacinth, the only flower you found yourself obsessing over, or your favourite bitter-tasting dark chocolate. you remember listing these early on into dating, thinking he would’ve atleast noted it down, but, nothing.

it was all trivial at the end of the day, you know he loves you… he just has an odd way of showing it, you guess. his love was never accommodated to you, he loved you the way he wanted to, there’s nothing wrong with that, you think, but you just wish you could be loved the way you wanted, you wish you could morph him into your perfect man. which sucks, because you knew he was good for you, you knew you loved him, you just wished he was better.

you tried to accept him for what he truly is —distant. but sometimes it hurts? not being able to receive what you want from this relationship knowing he receives what he wants. you know he loves you but why won’t he show it? properly.

you want to hold him in the night, you want to caress his hair to relieve his stress, you want to jump up and down excited with him, you want to love him, but you just, can’t. you can’t look at him without feeling resentment, without feeling like you’re the problem, and sometimes you are, you can admit that, but this.. this is different, its not a fight, its not a disagreement nor is it an argument. you just don’t feel loved, the way you want at least. this makes you feel selfish, but he’s the one being loved, not you. you know that he knows you feel like this, but he won’t do anything about it. you know he loves you, but he wont show it.

he makes you feel disgusting, like you’re unlovable —or rather unworthy of love. but you know he loves you.

it hurts, honestly, it really fucking hurts. you see how he acts with his friends, how he’s comfortable with initiating skinship with them, how he gets excited around them, how he remembers little things about them. honestly? sometimes you think he’s gay.

maybe this is all out of jealousy, but you’re his girlfriend, he just doesn’t fucking act like it.

for some reason, even though you know it’s not your fault, you cant help but feel guilty and tear up at these thoughts, he’s your boyfriend, you’re meant to love him wholeheartedly. and you did, but thats exactly the problem, you did.

maybe, you truly just loved him.

a/n: guys i’ve never been in a relationship i have no clue where this angst came from 👍 also im ngl the whole time writing this i felt like i was in that one sad video, daddy is the sweetest in the world, daddy wants me to be the best, i love my daddy, but…. but he lies 😭😭😭 guys did i eat w the fic name yes or naurrrrrr 🫦

[zvtara-was-never-canon]

Your blog is my guilty pleasure lol, it's so validating to read your very matter of fact rebuttals after years of being talked over & down to in the fandom. Being in the fan space & hearing the way people talked about how much more "female gaze coded" Z/tara was made me feel like I was betraying other women by not liking Zuko or Zutara the way "real mature" women did.

Funniest thing is, when i watched the show as a kid as an older sister, someone with talent/skills that nobody else understood, a girl who felt she had to be mature all the time, Kataang instantly became my otp. Katara was living my dream of a fun, cute boy sweeping me off my feet, telling me I was special and going on a magical journey with me-- I had the HUGEST crush on Aang as a little girl. It was so lame growing older and hearing near constantly from the fandom how stupid and unbelievable the idea that Katara actually had feelings for Aang was, and how it's a "male" (aka: bad) fantasy, when honestly Zuko's angsty ass was far from dream boyfriend material in my opinion it made me feel gaslit fjhdidjskj.

Genuine Z/tara fans are fine, I totally get the appeal of the red/blue enemies to lovers sparks fly ship, but the meanest and loudest of your crewmates and the way they act like their tastes are the Correct ones has been just. ridiculous for many years. And why do those types always feel the need to start the conversation by bashing Kataang every single time?? I started with a positive opinion of their ship when I entered the fandom as a teen, even liked a few arts and whatnot as a "what-if," but all the nonsense has left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

So yeah, thanks for this space to complain about the experiences we've had lol. I've had one too many conversations about ATLA & how good it is interrupted with the other person going "well except for the Main Romance, that was shit and Z/tara should have been endgame" not to be Worn Out. Like if in their opinion the show is *perfect* except that One thing.... maybe the problem lies elsewhere?

Yup, that's definitely a pattern I noticed: zutarians are SO many and SO loud, that even though a pretty large part of the fandom disagrees with their takes (regardless of enjoying the canon ships or not) most of them just... didn't talk about it because they didn't want to be harrassed or talked down to or be hit with the "well, we are the majority therefore we're right" argument.

It's part of why I was innitially shocked at how much support this blog got. I thought I just gonna be in my own little bubble of the fandom, but nope, I got sooooo many messages of "FINALLY! Somebody said it!"

And looking back, I should've noticed something was off. There's a reason ATLA's ending was not one of these disasters that basically nukes and kills 90% of the fandom and live in infamy as one of the worst falls from grace ever, How I Met Your Mother style, even though both shows had the fan favorite ship not end together.

It wasn't just that one was well-written and the other wasn't (though that clearly affected the audience and critical reception of these endings, both at the time and through the decades).

HIMYM was a case of "The actual endgame ship was loathed by nearly everyone while the rival pairings were almost universally beloved."

ATLA was a case of "70% of the fandom likes this ship - of these fans, 25% are multishipers that also like the canon ships, 25% only like the ship in fanfic but don't actually want it to be a thing, 25% loves it but can accept it not being canon at point because they acknowledge it'd be rushed, and the 25% are the ones that would burn down Bryke's house if they could, so in reality only a fraction of the fandom didn't accept the Kataang/Maiko endgame, while the overwhelming majority was either happy about it or indifferent to it"

And that's without taking into account that Avatar got new popularity boosts through the years that lead to plenty of people that had Zutara being hyped up for years being disappointed when they realized "Oh, it was popular because of fanon shit, not because it actually would have made sense story-wise" or people who reached that same conclusion after rewatching the show.

I think that's why Zutarians have such a victim complex and want to pretend Bryke and Kataang/Maiko fans are "oppressing" them - they've been dominating the conversation for years, and not only got no results out of it, they're now losing that "leverage" too. They're no longer in an echo-chamber, they need to use actual arguments that make sense if they want their opinion to be almost universal and they just can't do it because their ship was never that good to begin with.

[yanderes-galore]

A romantic concept *or* alphabet for Annalise (Bloodborne), please?

🕊️ anon

Sure! I'll try my best ^^; The lore took me a few tries but I hope I got it! Felt am Alphabet would be better length-wise.

Yandere Alphabet - Annalise

Pairing: Romantic

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession, Manipulation, Blood drinking, Blood, Subtle possessive behavior, Isolation, Dark themes, Dubious/Forced relationship.

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

Annalise has been in isolation a long time, an immortal vileblood vampire in a ruined castle without subjects. She's locked away in her throne room... hidden by illusions. When she meets someone like you, she deems you worthy of her presence.

Especially if she invited you here herself, knowing you're a hunter.

Annalise acts graceful and calm. At first she doesn't want to show any attachment or affection. However... She'd be the type to beckon you closer, softly touching your cheek and chin as she praises you.

She's surprisingly gentle, as though her touch will corrupt you if she isn't careful. She isn't an intense yandere. In fact... She may just captivate her obsession before they know what's going on.

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

Ironically for a being that consumes blood, she doesn't typically get her hands messy. Maybe a long time ago before her war's stalemate... but not much now. The only blood that coats her hands is her own vile blood and... maybe yours if you let her have a taste.

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

Annalise no doubt makes you a vileblood like her. She originally held back from it, deciding it would only hurt you. However... eventually her fondness for you wins over.

Annalise would not mock you and would probably keep you in her throne room with you, ignoring her better judgement. She hasn't had a companion in so long since the war. Her guilty pleasure would be having you by her side.

She has no reason to mock you... you are the best company she could ever ask for... she's glad to have found you...

Now you are hers to keep, the blood now within you proves so.

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?

Not much except keep you in Cainhurst Castle within the throne room. You have some freedom to roam...

But you ultimately belong with her.

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

At first, she doesn't want to be attached and corrupt you. Yet once she makes you a vileblood, she's more vulnerable with you. She's fond of you which makes her vulnerable with you.

She hasn't behaved such a way in a long time.

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

Disappointed yet expects it. She should've known you wouldn't take too well to her claiming you. Of course you'd want your freedom...

But hopefully she can convince you to stay, after all... you'll begin to crave her blood.

It's a sweet taste... a taste that creates sinful desire... fight all you want...

You'll come back for more of her.

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

No and she doesn't enjoy you trying to escape. However, she may let you go...

Only because she knows you'll come back once the withdrawal hits.

Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

I can't think of many but maybe the realization that, after consuming her blood, you crave her? The moment you pledge to her bloodline... you can't leave, even if you tried. Annalise knows this... and she isn't worried.

You'll soon come to terms with the fact you're hers... and you'll accept your place at her side in her throne room.

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

Not much except keeping you beside her as long as possible. She hasn't had good company to talk to in what feels like decades. Let alone someone to love since the war.

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

Not really, but if she did, she'd find a way to cope. She has you in ways no one else could, anyways.

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

Soft-spoken, affectionate, even if she hesitates at first. She starts by being unsure how to address you or speak to you. It's... been a long time since she spoke to someone properly.

In a way you can consider her a subtle yet possessive yandere, taking great joy in making you consume her blood. After all... such an act makes you addicted... reliant on her like a drug.

For the same reasons, you could consider her controlling, yet she hides such desires well.

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

How you meet her is through a mysterious invitation to come to her castle, like in the game. Due to the supernatural ways of how her and her bloodline works, maybe she knew about you before she properly met you?

Then, after she met you and you kneeled before her, she decides you're a valuable asset to her covenant. Another soldier for her army... with enough charisma, she may even push you to listen to her every word.

At first she plans to just use you as a useful soldier... yet as she observes you...

She realizes how lonely she really is.

Her courting is really just manipulation, even though she hesitates on going through with it for the sake of caring about you... eventually you'll drink her blood.

That's about how her courting goes.

She's an easy yandere to avoid, yet when she's attached, it isn't easy to leave.

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

Not entirely. Although she doesn't interact with many others.

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

I assume restraints, but she doubts she needs punishment. You're already quite attached to her blood-wise now... metal cuffs just reinforce such ties.

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

You may not realize it but... quite a lot once she has control over you.

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

Very patient... She's been around for a long time as a vileblood vampire... Naturally she's patient.

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

She most likely will... although her mental state is already pretty fragile. She hopes she'll never have to... but she knows the world is cruel. She hopes to prevent losing you altogether.

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

Yes and it's possible... but you may just end up crawling back.

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

Hard to say. Probably her past and the fact she's been in isolation a long time.

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

She'll comfort you the best she can, however, she knows it's best to let you cope. She understands she's asking a lot. She's sorry about it.

She may just leave you be until you're ready for her.

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

SKIPPED

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

You could easily just not accept her invitation. That, or, not drink her blood. Yet, after you consume her blood, you've already resigned to your fate.

Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

Not intentionally.

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

Not a worship yandere. In fact, your dependency on her blood may make you worship her.

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

There's barely any pining. At minimum, maybe a few days? Depends on how often you come back to her.

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

Unintentionally.

[airas-story]

How about Stephen teaching Tony how to ice skate? (Even better if Tony already knows how but wants to spend time with Stephen.)

So, uh, this prompt has apparently been here since the beginning? But it wasn't showing on the device I was using. So I only recently found it. Anyways, I felt guilty for Tumblr hiding it, so this became a Wednesday fic (and a long one, though that was on accident) instead of a drabble.

“There is nothing in this world that could make me enjoy ice skating,” Tony said, scoffing.

Stephen raised an eyebrow. “I’ll take that bet.”

Two Days Later:

“Here.” Stephen held out Tony’s thin coat—and maybe, if Tony hated the cold so much, he’d get a thicker one, but that logic had apparently escaped Tony. “Your coat.”

Tony took it, expression disgruntled. “Do we really have to do this?”

Stephen rolled his eyes. “Just put on the coat, Tony. I’ve spelled it so that it should keep you warm, since apparently you couldn’t manage to buy one thick enough to actually do the job.”

Tony sighed, but put it on obediently. “It’s a coat,” he said dryly. “I’m utterly amazed.”

“We’re inside, Tony. The spells don’t need to activate, yet.” He pulled out Tony’s gloves and handed them over. “Now these.”

Tony narrowed his eyes, but accepted them. “This isn’t going to work,” Tony told him. “Sure, maybe I won’t be cold, but I’ll still fall on my ass a few times and bruise and decide I hate the whole thing.”

Stephen rolled his eyes. “You’re being such a bad sport about this.”

“Excuse you, no one said I had to be a good one! In fact, it’s in my own favor not to be.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Stephen told him. “You can try to sabotage our date, but I’m still going to win.” He had every reason to be confident. 

Tony was a romantic, after all, and Stephen was more than willing to play into that.

Now that Tony was properly dressed for the occasion, Stephen opened them a portal. He’d chosen an ice skating rink outside of New York where it would be a little less populated, and that Stephen’s googling had informed him was doing a ‘couple’s night’.

Tony was grumpy the whole time they chose their skates, but so long as he was cooperating Stephen wasn’t going to call foul. Every reluctant concession was going to taste all that sweeter when Tony conceded Stephen the win.

“When I fall and break a bone, I want you to remember that this was all your fault,” Tony told him as he wobbled on the blades towards the rink. “And then when I complain for the next month about my limited mobility I expect you to be a patient and loving boyfriend about it.”

Stephen snorted. “Does that really sound like me, Tony?”

“Not really,” Tony admitted. “Your bedside manner continues to be atrocious. But you’re going to have to try, anyways.”

“Noted.”

He took Tony’s hand and stepped onto the ice, carefully pulling Tony with him.

Tony let out a startled eep as he immediately slid on the ice. His arms came up as though he was on a balance beam to try to stabilize himself.

Stephen tried not to laugh at the image, instead teasingly nudging Tony into proper form.

They made it around the rink once and Tony looked at the exit longingly. Stephen just tugged him along. “Not so fast,” he told Tony. “You’re giving this a shot.”

“Only because this is you,” Tony told him. “And only because when I win this bet, I want to have won fair and square.”

Tony stumbled over his skates, nearly taking them both down. Stephen managed to balance them as Tony let out a creative round of curses. “Told you.”

“You haven’t broken a bone yet,” Stephen pointed out. “You’re fine. Just glide, Tony.”

“Just glide,” Tony mimicked. “Because that explains so much.”

Stephen let go of Tony’s hand, and skated ahead before he turned around to skate backwards. “Eyes up, Tony. Stop looking at your skates. Look at me.” 

Tony’s eyes came up so that he was looking forward instead of down. “Of course you can skate backwards. Show off.”

“It’s not that hard, Tony. Just because you can’t do it…”

“I could learn if I wanted to. I just don’t want to.”

The Christmas music that had been playing switched to a slow love song as an employee went on speaker to inform the skaters that the general population skating time was over and that couple’s night had begun.

Tony sent him a narrowed eyed look. “Oh, you’re playing dirty.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Stephen countered. “But if I were playing dirty, then that’s only to be expected.” 

They made it around the rink two more times and Tony’s skating was starting to smooth out as he figured out the movements and his awkwardness faded.

Stephen went back to skating normally, taking Tony’s hand again.

“Not so bad, is it.”

Tony let out a disgruntled noise. “You haven’t won this bet, Stephen.”

The outdoor lights came on as the sun started to fade.

Stephen glanced at Tony to see a faint smile around his lips. “Your spells are holding out marvelously,” Tony told him. “It’s not even cold.”

“Of course they are. They’re my spells.”

“You know that doesn’t work on me. Wong has told me too many stories for that. Like that time when you almost broke reality by playing with an infinity stone.”

Stephen scowled. “They really should put the warnings before the spells. And I didn’t break reality, so really, you’re proving my point.”

Tony laughed, stumbling for a moment before catching himself. He was too amused, at the moment, to even complain about the near fall. 

“Don’t tell me you wouldn’t do the same,” Stephen added.

“I read,” Tony protested.

“Not far enough ahead,” Stephen countered. “Your curiosity would absolutely have you trying spells before you got to the warning sections.”

That started a heavy debate on which of them was better at following instructions and using the necessary safety parameters.

The answer was that neither of them were particularly good at it.

Tony sighed, breaking their moment. “I suppose,” he said, tone one of pure annoyance. “That I have no choice but to concede.”

Stephen smirked in victory. “You know you never had a chance, right?” Stephen told him. “I am perfectly willing to exploit your weaknesses.”

“And what weakness did you exploit?” Tony asked, tone mulish. “Because that’s a weakness I need to get rid of.”

“Me,” Stephen said simply. “You were skating with me, so of course you were going to end up loving it.”

That earned him a pained face. “Well, that’s unfortunate. I can’t exactly get rid of that weakness, can I?”

“No,” Stephen agreed. “I’m afraid I’m here to stay.”

[steddieas-shegoes]

Chapter 6

Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5

“Oh would you look who decided to acknowledge I exist?”

Steve didn’t hold back his eye roll at Robin’s words since she couldn’t see him. He’d decided to call her on the walk to his car after work, just to update her on things and make sure she was okay if he wasn’t home right after work.

“We just saw each other yesterday.”

“More than 24 hours ago, Steve.”

“We are two separate humans, Robin.”

“But only one brain. Look at you separating a whole brain. This is why I couldn’t concentrate today. You took it with you.”

“Are you done?” Steve sighed. “If you’re done, I need to talk to my best friend.”

“What’s wrong?” Robin’s tone went from slightly annoyed to concerned, which meant she’d never actually been that annoyed to begin with.

“Nothing’s wrong. I just wanted to let you know I’ll be home late.”

Please don’t ask, please just accept it, don’t ask, don’t ask.

“Why?”

Fuck.

“Just stopping by Eddie’s for a bit.”

He was met with complete silence. He pulled his phone away to make sure the call hadn’t been dropped. It hadn’t.

“Robs?”

“Steve. I’m saying this because I love you.” Oh boy, here we go. “I’m worried.”

“There’s nothing to worry about. I’m just hanging out for a bit and then coming home.”

“You’ve practically lived with him since Saturday!”

“Okay, just because I slept over…”

“Twice! In a row!”

“It doesn’t mean anything.”

“Uh huh. It doesn’t mean anything except you have barely been home and you literally went to subspace and dropped and probably subspace again with this stranger who did one nice tattoo and suddenly you’re ready to fly to Vegas and forget me!”

Ah. Steve let himself feel guilty for a moment before he remembered her insistence just a few weeks before that he needed to find other friends besides her, be social, maybe find a boyfriend.

Well, now he was doing some of that and she had a problem?

“I’m just enjoying my time with someone new. This is what you’ve wanted me to do forever, right?”

“Not like this!”

“Oh, I’m sorry I’m not following your rules for my friendships.”

“This isn’t a friendship, this is some weird sexual situation that’s gonna end up messy and you’re gonna end up hurt. It’ll be Nancy all over again.”

That hurt. Robin had been the one to get him through the Nancy heartbreak, always offering whatever support he needed while he worked through his disappointment that turned into an identity crisis that turned into a bit of a change of personality. She never judged him for his response to it. She was the perfect friend.

Having her throw it at him like this left a sour taste in his mouth and a hollowness in his chest.

She’d never spoken to him like this, not even when they got into stupid little arguments about cleaning the common areas of the apartment that sometimes escalated more than they should. This felt like she was jealous and taking it out on him.

Jealous of what though? She never seemed interested in having an actual relationship, and she was out all the time, leaving him to fend for himself in their apartment.

“I just don’t want you to get hurt, Steve.”

“Yeah, well. I appreciate the concern.”

Steve hung up. It wasn’t the mature thing to do, he knew that. But he was hurt, and he didn’t want to make things worse by letting the hurt out on her. He would talk to her when he got back home.

They were best friends, platonic soulmates. They’d get past this.

But for now, Steve turned his notifications off on his phone, got in his car, and drove to Eddie’s house.

– - – – – –

He made it inside with no issues, putting the key back under the mat once the front door was unlocked.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket once he was inside, ignoring the many texts from Robin to send a quick text to Eddie.

Made it home. Gonna make spaghetti. That okay?

He was looking around the kitchen to find all of the things he’d need when his phone started buzzing.

Eddie was calling.

“Hey, thought you’d be with the client.”

“I am, but it’s a friend. She’s taking a break. How was the rest of your day?”

Steve didn’t want him to know about his fight with Robin, not when most of it revolved around how quickly he was becoming attached to him.

“It was fine. Um, spaghetti’s okay? I just figured you probably had stuff for it.”

Eddie didn’t immediately respond, and Steve tried not to let himself worry.

“Spaghetti’s perfect. What happened, sunshine?”

How did he know? Steve was notorious for hiding his feelings from people, he’d been a champion for most of his life out of self-preservation.

“Nothing. I’m fine,” Steve was putting everything into being convincing.

Eddie was at work, he didn’t need to deal with Steve’s problems.

“Stevie, did something upset you? Do you need me to come home?”

God, of course he would offer to hurry back. He was so nice and Steve didn’t deserve it.

“Steve. I will leave right now and come back, just say the word.”

“No, no. I’m okay. Just had an argument with Robin. I’ll be fine.”

“I’m sorry, sunshine. What will help?”

He didn’t know. He didn’t think he could really talk about it right now. He didn’t want Eddie to feel like he had to talk him through it when he was with a client.

He started to feel worse.

“I think maybe I should head back early tonight. Make sure I see her before she goes to bed.”

“Okay, sweetheart. I’ll be done here in an hour. You don’t have to cook anything, I’ll just grab us something on the way.”

“No. It’ll keep me busy. Can I cook please?”

He didn’t mean to sound so whiny, or practically beg, but it must have worked because Eddie gave in.

“If you really want to, you can cook. But I want you to go change into my clothes first, okay?”

Thank God Eddie couldn’t see the redness of his cheeks spreading down his neck.

“Okay. Can I wear your hoodie?”

He knew it would smell like him, and he knew it was soft, and he knew it would make him feel a million times better.

“Yeah, sweetheart. It’s on the bed. I’ll text you when I leave here, but call me if you need me before that.”

“I will.”

“Good boy. See you soon, sunshine.”

Steve felt warmer, lighter, more like he could handle the feelings Robin brought up. He knew if he could feel like this for a little bit, he could easily handle whatever conversation they’d have when he got home.

— — — — — —

Steve was so focused on the sauce he was making, he didn’t hear the front door open or footsteps come through the living room and into the kitchen or Eddie walking up behind him.

He felt strong arms wrap around his chest from behind, a soft kiss placed on his temple.

He leaned back against the warmth of Eddie, the calm he exuded taking over the whole kitchen.

“Welcome home, Eds.”

“Mm. Could get used to that,” Eddie said as he kissed Steve’s cheek, then his jaw, his neck.

Steve was doing his best to stay focused. He was cooking dinner, right.

He started to lean forward, but Eddie pulled him back again.

“Babe, I have to cook,” Steve giggled.

“Not done,” Eddie said against his neck, teeth barely scraping against Steve’s pulse point and causing him to let out a moan.

“I don’t.” Kiss. “Want this.” Kiss. “To.” Tongue.

Fuck.

“You keep cooking, sunshine. I’m just gonna enjoy my appetizer.”

“But I made garlic bread,” Steve pouted, pulling away as much as Eddie would let him. “For an appetizer.”

Eddie pulled away and looked at Steve, blinking at him as if he were confused.

Then he broke out in a huge smile.

“You’re trouble, sunshine.”

And to Steve, that sounded like he was saying something entirely different.

— — — — — — —

They didn’t talk about Robin.

Steve put their food on plates while Eddie grabbed some beers from the fridge.

It was very domestic. Comfortable. Nice.

Eddie insisted on sitting right next to Steve, one hand on his thigh for the entire dinner. His thumb was rubbing back and forth, his fingers sometimes drew designs on his knee, and he tapped rhythms into his skin until it felt like Steve was part of the song.

It was easy.

They talked about their days. Steve gave him the full play-by-play of his meeting with Will and Eddie kissed his cheek when he was done and told him how happy he was that Will liked it.

Eddie told him about his appointment, Chrissy, who he’d been good friends with since high school. He’d shown her that tattooing was a way to love her body when she’d been diagnosed with an eating disorder. He promised her he’d do any tattoo she wanted for free if she went through the intensive rehab and therapy process, and four months later, she came by his shop and became his favorite client on top of one of his best friends.

Steve leaned his head on Eddie’s shoulder as he spoke, smiling to himself as he realized that Eddie was just a caring person.

He cared about everyone in his life in a way that Steve had not been familiar with before Robin.

He cared the way Steve cared, and he made Steve want to show it more.

He made Steve want to be bright in a way he’d never wanted to be before.

Eddie made him feel like he could shine.

He felt the impending rain cloud of leaving his side, though. Facing Robin would be a storm he didn’t want to weather tonight, feeling a bit overwhelmed already from his day of emotions.

It had started so good. It felt good right now.

“You got quiet on me, sunshine. What’s goin’ on in that pretty head of yours?”

A lot. So much. He didn’t know how to answer without putting everything on the table, and he knew he couldn’t do that right now. He didn’t want to cry either and that was getting more likely the more tired he got.

“Just thinking.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“I don’t know where to start.”

“Anywhere you want is fine with me, sweetheart.”

Steve could tell him a little. Maybe talk about how much he wanted to stay by Eddie’s side. Or how he didn’t know how he was already so attached, but the thought of not having Eddie around was already devastating.

How much he could love him if he was given the chance.

“I’m scared that Robin’s right.”

Well, that’ll spark a conversation he didn’t want to have.

Nice job, idiot. You’re gonna end up spilling your secrets.

“Right about what?”

Eddie’s arm was now wrapped around Steve’s shoulder, hand resting against his arm where his fingers were tracing designs that Steve would tattoo on his skin.

“She said this is gonna end bad. I’ll get hurt. She didn’t want me to come tonight.”

Yeah, that’s not giving too much away.

Eddie’s fingers froze against his arm.

“She thinks I’d hurt you?”

“I guess.”

And a part of Steve believed it too. That was part of why he felt so shitty. Eddie already held the power to hurt him and he didn’t even realize it.

“Stevie, look at me for a minute.”

Steve pulled away, letting Eddie’s arm fall, but quickly finding his hand to lace their fingers together for extra comfort.

“I know this is gonna sound crazy, and it’s okay if you don’t wanna stick around after, but,” Eddie’s eyes were shining. Was he going to cry? “I’ve never felt like this with anyone. I’ve never wanted to spend every moment with someone before you. I missed you so much today, it was like I was being torn in half. I know it’s crazy. I know. But you’re important to me. I don’t know what will happen, I don’t know what you want, I just know that I wouldn’t ever intentionally hurt you.”

Steve could feel his lip quivering. He knew he had tears in his eyes.

He was in deep and the only way out was through.

“I don’t know how to explain how much being around you has changed me. Just in the last two days I’ve felt like someone I didn’t even know I could be. Robin’s worried because,” Steve took a deep, steadying breath. He had to be honest. Eddie deserved it. “I jump into things quickly. I’ve always been like that. I commit hard and fast and I end up hurt every time. She was around for the worst one with my ex-girlfriend. She’s worried this will be like that and thinks you’re just using me for the sexual aspect of it. Well, she thinks we’re using each other, I think. And maybe if you were different, I would be. I’m not always a great guy. But it’s just that you’re you. You’re the kind of person who will always get the best me because you deserve someone who makes you feel the way you make other people feel.”

The words just didn’t stop coming.

Steve would’ve been more nervous about it if he wasn’t watching the fondness seep out of Eddie’s pores.

His every movement revolved around Steve’s own, his touches gentle and electric.

His hand was cupping the side of Steve’s neck, his eyes staring into Steve’s soul, even though he’d just laid it out on the table in front of them.

“You deserve to be the best you because it makes you feel good. But if I can help you find that, then I’m all yours, sunshine. As long as you want me.”

Steve leaned forward, resting his forehead against Eddie’s.

He closed his eyes.

His phone started ringing.

He planned to ignore it. He knew it was Robin and he wasn’t quite ready to face her yet.

But he knew if he didn’t answer, she’d worry. Maybe dramatically call 911 to do a wellness check.

He didn’t want to put Eddie through all that.

He grabbed his phone and answered, letting his head rest against Eddie’s chest.

“Yeah?”

“Steve. Listen. I’m sorry about earlier, okay? I didn’t mean that. I’m just worried about you. I want you to have someone who makes you happy, but I want you to be safe and-“

“Robs, I know. I’m sorry I freaked out.”

Eddie’s hands were moving up and down his back slowly, adding pressure to his shoulders where he was most tense.

“Are you gonna be home soon?”

Steve resisted saying that he was home.

He realized he’d said it twice to Eddie; This felt like home. He’d never really had somewhere that felt like home. Even with Robin, he knew they were roommates because neither of them could afford rent on their own.

But here, he felt like he could safely recharge, relax, be himself, float away and find his way back. And he could do it all with Eddie.

“Yeah. I’ll head out soon.”

Robin was silent as Eddie started playing with the hem of Steve’s shirt.

“You could just stay. If you wanted. I mean I have your location and you’ll text me in the morning so I know you’re alive.”

Steve considered that this might be a test, that Robin was seeing if he’d give in easily and not explain anything else.

But Robin isn’t the type of friend to test him like that. She was never anything but honest and straightforward, never would expect him to make a choice like that to win her love. That’s just not who she was.

“I could stay tonight.”

Steve looked up at Eddie, who was smiling and nodding down at him, hands never stopping their comforting movements on his back.

“I’m gonna stay tonight.” Steve smiled into the phone as if Robin was able to see. “But tomorrow, I’m coming home after work and we’re having a long talk. We’re gonna order pizza and we’re gonna drink enough cheap wine to have the worst hangover ever on Wednesday morning. Okay?”

Robin let out a quiet chuckle. Good. Laughter is good.

“Okay, dingus. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“You got it, Robs.”

When Steve hung up the phone, Eddie pulled him tight against his chest, letting Steve find his place with his nose against his collarbone.

He breathed in his scent, smiling to himself at how quickly he relaxed into it.

“Sounds like things went well.”

“Mhm. Things’ll be good.”

Eddie kissed the top of his head.

“Let me clean up the dishes and then we can go to bed.”

“No, wanna stay here.”

“Here, in this chair?” Eddie snorted. “I don’t think either of us actually want that, sunshine.”

“Don’t wanna move.”

“How about I carry you?”

“Yes, please.”

For some reason, Steve didn’t exactly expect him to actually lift him in his arms and carry him. But he did.

He had him in his arms like he was a new bride being carried over the threshold, and Steve was blushing from his head to his toes.

Steve looked up at his face, taking in the way Eddie had a near-constant smirk when he was doing things like this. Like he was having fun and liked doing it.

Eddie dropped him in bed, laughing at the ‘oof’ Steve let out from the impact of hitting the mattress and pillows.

He stared down at Steve with that soft look he gave him before. Like Steve was actually making his life brighter, like it was a beautiful thing to have and know Steve.

No one has ever looked at him like that.

“Stevie.”

“Hm?”

“I really want to kiss you.”

Steve gulped.

“I really want you to kiss me.”

Eddie didn’t question it or wait, and his wet lips were against his with a passion Steve had never experienced in his life.

He forgot about everything except the way Eddie’s lips fit perfectly against his, slowly opening his own up so he could lick into his mouth.

He ran his tongue along Steve’s bottom lip, smiling into the kiss when Steve let out a loud moan.

Eddie’s hand was in his hair, tugging on the ends just enough to keep Steve present as his other hand ghosted down his side and squeezed his hip.

Steve could stay just like this forever and it wouldn’t be long enough.

He’d never have enough of Eddie touching him, kissing him, caring for him.

He wanted it always.

He let out another moan when Eddie’s teeth bit down on his bottom lip, sucking it between his teeth and lips like he was trying to eat him.

Steve would let him.

But just when he thought he was going to stay like this all night, Eddie pulled away, nipping at his bottom lip one more time before he separated from him completely and stood up.

“Gonna go clean up. Be a good boy for me and stay right here. No touching yourself.”

Steve hadn’t really thought about doing so until he watched Eddie walk away and glanced down to see that he was hard. Incredibly so.

Suddenly, his only focus was on getting relief from how hard he was. How had he gotten there from a kiss?

It was like every touch from Eddie was equal to 1000 touches from anyone else. If Eddie touched his cock, he was done for. He’d embarrass himself beyond belief.

Maybe if Steve didn’t think about it, it would go away and it’d be fine.

Maybe he could just give himself a little touch. Eddie wouldn’t know. It’s not like he was watching.

But Eddie said not to.

Steve had to listen to Eddie.

He could distantly hear Eddie washing dishes in the kitchen, dishes clanking around while the water ran from the faucet.

He could feel the heat of the sweatpants and hoodie he was wearing, causing him to break out in a sweat.

Eddie didn’t say he couldn’t take his clothes off. He just said he couldn’t touch himself.

So Steve removed the hoodie and sweatpants in record time, unable to focus on anything except the cool sheets under him and the hard length nearly poking out of his boxers.

He hoped Eddie would touch him when he got back. He couldn’t sleep like this.

Too on edge, too close to falling the wrong way off the cliff.

He didn’t even register when Eddie entered the room again, his thoughts stuck on how good it would feel to have Eddie’s hands on him again.

Then Eddie’s hands were on him again. They were cupping his cheeks and forcing him to make eye contact with him.

Eddie was shirtless already, straddling his lap.

Steve didn’t care how he got there, just that he was.

He couldn’t help the whine he let out when Eddie’s cock brushed against his.

Oh, he wasn’t wearing pants either.

Steve hoped this was going where he wanted it to.

“You look so beautiful like this, sweet thing. Like I could eat you right up,” Eddie said before leaning in to leave a trail of kisses down his neck.

He paused right where Steve knew his freckles were and let out a small laugh against his skin.

“These are the cutest things I’ve ever seen.”

Steve whined. He needed Eddie to kiss them, kiss him, kiss anywhere. He needed his lips on him every second of every day.

As if he could read his mind, Eddie gently kissed his freckles. Steve could feel his smile against his skin.

“Please kiss me,” he let out, needy whimper following his words.

“Am kissing you, sweet thing.”

And he was. Technically. But Steve needed to taste him again, needed their mouths connected so he could feel his breath in his own lungs, taking and giving oxygen Steve so desperately wanted to give and receive.

“Need you, please,” Steve added, as if that would make Eddie do anything else. “Please, please.”

Begging was not what he thought would happen tonight, but his mouth no longer had a filter as he felt Eddie’s hips roll against him.

The friction was almost too much.

Steve was going to cum. Right there in his boxers after barely making out and like, two barely there touches against his cock.

“Love hearing you beg,” Eddie said as he trailed his lips and tongue and teeth down Steve’s chest. He licked at one of his nipples, blowing cold air on it after. Steve shivered, but not from the cold.

“Feels so good,” Steve managed to get out.

He could tell he was becoming more incoherent, his moans getting louder despite Eddie hardly doing anything at all to him. He’d be embarrassed if he didn’t know how hard Eddie was above him.

Suddenly, Eddie’s lips were back on his own. He sighed into it, relief at being given what he wanted letting him relax further into the bed.

The relief only lasted for a moment, though.

Eddie was pulling away and laying down next to Steve.

No.

“No,” Steve said, turning his head to pout at him. “More.”

Eddie raised his eyebrows at him.

“That doesn’t sound very polite, Stevie. I can’t give you what you want if you don’t ask nicely,” Eddie sounded bored. Was he bored?

No, he wouldn’t have gone from interest to bored that quickly. Would he?

“Here’s what’s gonna happen. You listening?”

“Mhm.”

“Good boy. You’re gonna get on my lap and you’re gonna get yourself off. No hands.” Steve was already moving, but Eddie put his hand on his chest to hold him still. “No boxers. You use your safe word if it gets too much.”

Steve didn’t know how this could be too much, but he was too far gone to do anything but agree.

“Okay.”

Eddie removed his hand and didn’t stop Steve this time when he got up and straddled Eddie’s thighs, the reverse position they’d been in before giving Steve a head rush. He helped push Steve’s boxers off, holding him steady when his legs nearly gave out when he kicked them off.

Eddie didn’t touch him at first, letting Steve find the position that worked best for him and watching as he tried to find the perfect level of contact.

He couldn’t though.

“Oh, sweet thing, you can’t get it right can you?”

Steve whined and shook his head, feeling tears of frustration building behind his eyes.

“You want me to help you?”

“Please, yes, help,” Steve got out between pants.

Eddie’s hands were on his hips, warmth spreading from the place they touched Steve’s skin throughout his body. His grip was strong, nearly leaving fingerprint bruises in his skin. Steve wished he would.

“More.”

“More what?”

“Fingers. Harder.”

Finding the right words was hard. Steve was doing all he could to keep his eyes locked on Eddie’s face, vision going a bit blurry from the cloudiness in his head.

Eddie understood though.

His fingers gripped harder, and Steve knew he’d be done for soon regardless of the friction on his cock.

“You want help getting started, sweet thing?”

“Mhm. Mmm,” Steve was incoherent. He knew it, but he couldn’t do anything but let Eddie have full control.

Eddie used his strong grip to move Steve’s hips back and forth a few times, the feeling of Steve’s bare cock against Eddie’s clothed one nearly enough to send him over the edge right away.

He was moaning uncontrollably.

“I’m not doing it all for you,” Eddie said, letting go of Steve’s hips and watching as Steve stuttered in his movements. “C’mon. You were so desperate for it before.”

Steve didn’t think about how he was naked and Eddie wasn’t, how his dripping cock was getting Eddie’s boxers messy, how Eddie was smirking at him as he struggled to keep up the pace Eddie had started.

He only thought about how he had to get relief and make Eddie proud of him for doing what he asked.

Steve’s hips moved back and forth, rolling down every time he pushed forward so he could feel Eddie’s length against his own.

It was too much and not enough and Steve didn’t know how long he could keep this up.

Eddie was watching him, talking him through it, but not touching him.

“That’s it, sweet thing. Doing so good for me,” Eddie let out a moan when he started moving faster. “That’s it, sweetheart. Making me feel so fucking good.”

Steve wasn’t even registering his own pleasure anymore, only able to hear the way Eddie’s words were getting breathier, moans louder.

“Gonna cum for me? Want you to make me messy, sunshine. C’mon,” Eddie started tilting his hips up to meet Steve every time he rolled his hips down.

It was so much.

There was nothing but Eddie. His voice wrapped around him like a warm blanket as Steve felt the pull in his stomach letting him know he was close.

“Mm, Eddie, Eddie-“ Steve was babbling and he couldn’t stop. He didn’t care. He didn’t think Eddie did either. “Gonna. Gonna be good.”

Eddie let out a loud moan and sat up enough to kiss Steve’s lips.

Steve was done for.

He came so hard he almost couldn’t even feel it, the pleasure making his vision go black and his body go numb.

He could feel Eddie rut against him a few more times before he let out a groan.

He couldn’t open his eyes to see, but he knew Eddie must’ve finished too.

“So good, sunshine. Did so good for me, can’t believe I’m so lucky,” Eddie was whispering into his ear, soft breaths making Steve shiver against him.

Steve felt Eddie moving him so he was laying down in bed.

Then cold air shocked him into opening his eyes and letting out a pained whimper.

“Shhh, sweet thing. Just grabbing a washcloth. Gotta clean you up and take care of you, yeah? You did so good for me,” Eddie said as he pecked a kiss to his forehead.

Steve wasn’t quite floating now, but he recognized that he’d been on the cusp of it before Eddie walked away. He still wasn’t aware of most of what was going on, just that he’d never felt so good in his life and he hadn’t even had hands on him.

Whatever Eddie had done to take Steve apart was incredible.

When Eddie came back with the washcloth and gently wiped his stomach and chest, Steve tried to speak.

“Love that,” was all he was capable of, but it was a start. Eddie would get the gist of it.

“I’m glad. Loved doing that with you,” Eddie said softly as he got into bed next to Steve. He immediately pulled Steve on top of him, and Steve nearly gasped at Eddie being naked under him. “Feeling okay?”

Steve nodded against his chest.

He’d never felt better.

As he drifted to sleep to Eddie’s soft whispers, Steve thought about how he could possibly love someone so much so quickly.

Chapter 7

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[bunnakit]

Tharn hissed slightly at the twinge of pain in his abdomen, instinctively moving his hand to gently cradle and protect the spot. He hadn't expected the warmth of Phaya’s hand against the back of his or the way he so gently stroked his thumb over his knuckles. He wondered if he would ever get used to the way Phaya’s touch drew an electric current through his veins. 

“I'm… I'm sorry. You got hurt because of me.” he sounded so mournful, as if he was taking the weight of everything on his own shoulders. Tharn couldn't allow that, not when he’d acted entirely of his own volition, his own drive to keep the people he lov- to keep the people close to him safe. 

“It was just a coincidence. It wasn't your fault,” he sighed under his breath, wondering how many more times he could get away with calling it a coincidence, how many more times he would have to lie to Phaya. “I was just doing my job.” 

Why can't you understand that the thought of losing you is worse than any injury I might receive? I can't watch you die, I can't lose anyone else. My job is to keep you safe. 

Tharn watched as Phaya also sighed softly, clearly displeased with his answer in some way. His thoughts were interrupted as he watched Phaya’s tongue wet his lips, just the smallest slide back and forth. It was enough to drive him to distraction, to remember the way they’d tasted against his own that night in the garden. A goodnight kiss Phaya had called it. He wondered if a goodnight tasted the same as a goodbye. 

“Tharn.” 

His eyes snapped back up, meeting Phaya’s own concerned gaze and he swallowed down the guilty sensation welling up in his stomach. Why did Phaya bring this out in him? This constant craving for more he couldn’t quite suppress? Sometimes he felt like a different person entirely when he was around.

“When you got hurt I was really afraid you'd die. I don't want to feel like that anymore.” 

Tharn choked down the apology he wanted to give. He couldn’t apologize, couldn’t say he wouldn’t do it again. He’d do it as many times as it took to keep Phaya safe. This was his role in life, a role he’d accepted long ago. 

“I promise that from now on I'll always listen to everything you say. Please don't leave me.”

Oh. 

Those four words brought an insurmountable ache to his chest, one far stronger than the dull throbbing in his side. He’d been asked before not to put himself in danger, to worry less about making amends for his past. He’d never been asked to stay. Phaya could have said anything else, could have urged him to be safe, to be careful. Instead, he’d asked Tharn not to leave him. The words begged a thousand questions but Tharn found himself far too afraid of the answers.

“I'm not going to leave you. We're on the same team. How can I leave you?” The answer spilled out before he’d truly thought it through, one question sneaking past his grasp. And how could he? He finally felt whole, as if half of his soul had slotted back in place and allowed him to take the first full breath in his life. Perhaps he was selfish, but he couldn’t simply walk away from something like that, not now that he’d finally found it.

“What about… you thinking that I told Chalothorn about your dream?” Tharn still had no idea where that notion had come from, what had sparked such rage in Phaya. He would never divulge his secret, not when it was so very close to his own. He knew what Chalothorn thought of him, thought of his visions, even if it came from a place of gentle concern.

“Are you still mad at me?” Phaya’s anger towards him had been more painful than any knife to the gut. 

“Tharn.” 

The warmth of Phaya’s palm against his neck was startling at first, then comforting, and then impossibly confusing. Tharn couldn’t help the way his mind wandered to that fucking dream. The memory of soft purple lights and the warmth of the shower, of the gentle pressure at his back and the intoxicating squeeze around his neck. It lit a fire in his veins, clawing and hungry, and he quickly did everything he could to push it to the back of his mind once more, to give Phaya his undivided attention in the moment.

“I don't care anymore. I already told you, I'll listen to everything you say.” 

Tharn had to believe that, had to believe Phaya had forgiven him or perhaps never truly blamed him in the first place. Fear was a powerful thing, it could drive people to lash out, to blame, to hurt. He was only glad he still had Phaya's trust, the relief like a weight lifted from his chest.

“I'm sorry for being an asshole.” 

Phaya looked so repentant, so filled with remorse, and yet Tharn had never been angry with him. He ran his tongue along the inside of his lip, the taste of copper on the tip of his tongue as he ran it against where his teeth had cut into him. He knew immediately it had been an accident, had seen it in the way Phaya's face had morphed into quiet shock. No, he'd never blamed him for an instant.

“It's okay. I'm glad you're safe.” It was as much a reminder for himself as for Phaya, because the reality was Phaya very nearly hadn't been safe. Because of him. Always because of him.

Before he could overthink it he reached up and curled his fingers around Phaya's wrist. He wanted so badly to turn his head just slightly, to press his lips to the strong and steady thrum of Phaya's pulse. He settled for gently stroking his fingertips over the fluttering point, over the proof that he had done his job. He'd kept Phaya safe.

Slowly, Tharn lifted his eyes and met the intensity of Phaya's gaze. He was always struck by it, by the way it felt like he could peer past the cool facade he kept up, past the walls he'd erected to keep people from getting close. And perhaps he could, because each day it felt like Phaya brought a chisel to those walls and dismantled them brick by methodical brick.

He wanted Phaya, wanted to press their lips together, to linger in each other's embrace, to soak up the warmth of one another. It was a simple truth he could no longer deny, no matter how badly he wanted to.

Perhaps in another life they could have had that. Perhaps in another life Phaya was his and he was Phaya's and they loved with their whole selves. Perhaps in another life their story ended differently.

(disclaimer: none of this is from the novel, i haven't read the novel, i just like doing character studies of them and rotating them in my head like a skyrim loading screen)

[matchagyudon]

Pomp and Gallantry - Jakurai Jinguji English Lyrics Translation

Now, do you understand what karma is? The glory and errors of my past days have been piling up Was I trapped because I wanted to be at ease?

Remorse, my guilty conscience, and self-sacrifice This is the conclusion to taking the easy way out The challenges that have been lying about are still untouched

In this Labryinth Wall Time or patience, are they no longer necessary? Is it easy to break free from here? Are you saying that life itself has no pain?

Is our answer, even now, that suffering in agony is inevitable? Is it said that we humans have ended conflict? So then, what in the world have we learned from history?

Life is a game, this embellishment is a joke Just when you think that you can’t take it anymore, The true scenario of your fate can be rewritten Strike out your languidness, and remove the overbearing shackles With my mic and charts, all that’s left is the love in my heart It’s not that those who believe are saved, But rather whether you can keep believing until you are saved

Inside of strength is tenderness, and within tenderness you can find strength The taste of defeat, like biting on sand, is now the spice of life

With these hands, certainly, with these hands I will wake them up This country’s heart is coming to an end And the only power that can revive it Would be love That is the only way we can wake them up With pomp and circumstance, today, we will be gallant too

The commotion of Shinjuku, noises mingling together Dissonance reverberating within the spiral of reincarnation This city is still in deep turmoil Whispering sweet temptations, fleeting pleasures

Like a weed hidden in a back alley, this flower is nameless, yet noble It sways gently in the breeze today, once more There is no other flower as strong as concrete

It was sudden, my heart became soaked The shock hit me like lightning “Obligation and self-awareness”, I was prepared for those two words From tragedy to comedy, the reasoning is reversed

To live, in itself, is love Life isn’t about winning or losing It’s about everything Now is the time to accept one another’s differences Why don’t we accept each other? Or to love each other?

Let’s return, once more, to the beginning Be rid of any doubt’s on the meaning of Life Life and soul, the contrast of finite and infinite The land that rises with its bestowed role

The voices that cry out as we plunged into the battlefield Even if my throat were to be slit, I will keep shouting For the happiness of myself and others, my altruistic heart keeps going on The timbre of world peace now sounds nostalgic Let it ring out

From this one microphone, this song will connect once again I am not offering words such as ostentation, vanity, or greed But my very life in itself, I am selling piece by piece Relish yourself to your heart’s content on my flesh and body

The contradictions and absurdity of our murky, chaotic society Drink it all in one gulp This is the essence of the power of words, true vitality, meaning and significance of life, To be inherited with abundance and triumph

There’s no need to be frightened or worry anymore If you have already put together that death is certain That even then you cannot escape the 7 Deadly Sins Calmly hold it close, just as you are, all your worries The future is waiting for us to complete our unfinished work Lying in wait, clearing their throats Eagerly waiting for as long as it takes

We will set a firm foundation for the new century to come When that time comes, we shall make a sound that will shake the heavens and the earth The land will split and crawling out of it will be song and dance The voice that we shouted at the moon, and felt as if it were in vain Will reach the moon in 32 days Devote yourself to the one before your eyes From the bottom of one’s heart to another, the seed of peace Together, slowly, one step at a time, we will move forward

We are all God’s creatures!

From now on, let us all entrust our lives to another, together!

[promisesbutnevertokeep]

Isn’t that what he wanted? Part three

part one | part two | part three

tags: @zer0brainc3lls @the-flaminhos

Trigger warning: mentions of death, mentions of suicide, survivors guilt

(When the text is in italics it’s Thomas’s conscience)

———————————————————————

It was cold. The island, the water, the feeling in Thomas’ chest. The sun hadn’t shown its face in a while, the grey clouds overshadowing the supposed haven. Truth was, Thomas didn’t feel like this place was a haven. His haven wasn’t around anymore. He was long gone now, his haven was murdered by his own hands.

He’d killed him. Though the blood wasn’t literally there anymore, he still felt the need to scrub his hands to try get rid of the feeling. That awful guilty feeling that filled his chest and made him sick to his stomach.

Minho sat down next to him, “Thomas..” he was careful not to startle him. “He’s not in pain anymore, he’s finally at peace, he wouldn’t want you to be-“

The brunette snapped “I don’t get it Minho! Why did some people not be able to be immune and why did it have to be newt! He- he told me he’d follow me anywhere..” tears reached the brim of his eyes but he wouldn’t let them fall. They stung and made his vision go blurry but not once did they fall.

Minho stared in shocked, but gently rubbed his shoulder before getting up “I’m here if you need me, we all are Thomas.” He walked away, since Thomas clearly wasn’t in the right mental state for talking.

He felt he wasn’t worthy of comfort, and many did try to console him, give him the consolation that he did a noble thing, that he did the correct thing. But Thomas would push and push them away in refusal to be comforted. Even if others forgave him, he wouldn’t ever forgive himself.

the simplest reason why? he couldn’t bring himself to.

The brunette sat on the beach. It was empty because of the gloomy day, just him and his conscience, which was quite a danger when he was in such a fragile state. There’s many different ways to process a death of a loved one, but the slowest is not accepting it at all.

Thomas’s hand held the capsule necklace of his deceased Love, clinging to it for some sense of clarity. His eyes scanned the words on the paper once more;

‘Dear Thomas, this is the first letter I could remember writing. Obviously, I don't know if I wrote any before the Maze. But even if it's not my first, it's likely to be my last. I want you to know that I'm not scared. Well, not of dying, anyway. It's more forgetting. It's losing myself to this virus, that's what scares me. So every night, I've been saying their names out loud. Alby. Winston. Chuck. And I just repeat them over and over like a prayer, and it - And it all comes flooding back. Just the little things like where the sun used to hit the Glade at that perfect moment right before it slipped beneath the walls. And I remember the taste of Frypan's stew. I never thought I'd miss that stuff so much. And I remember you. From the first time you came up in the box, just a scared little Greenie who couldn't even remember his own name. But from that moment you ran into the Maze, I knew I would follow you anywhere. And I have. We all have. If I could do it all over again, I would. And I wouldn't change a thing. My hope for you: when you're looking back years from now, you'll be able to say the same. The future is in your hands now, Tommy. I know you'll find a way to do what's right. You always have. Take care of everyone for me. And take care of yourself. You deserve to be happy. Thank you for being my friend. Goodbye, mate. Newt.’

Teardrops stained the worn, crinkled page, the ink smearing.

This was the first time Thomas had allowed himself to cry, and suddenly all that emotion and anger at himself hidden behind that numb wall came flooding out. He sobbed to himself, shouting at the sky to bring his Newt back, he needed him back.. he did all this for him and he was gone-

‘Why are you crying Thomas?” There was that voice at the back of his head. “Is it because you found out Newt wasn’t immune and that he was going to die no matter what? Or is it because if you’d listened to Teresa there’s a chance you could’ve been sat here with him, but instead you let him die?”

He winced at the voice, he couldn’t deny it.

“But Thomas? Isn’t that what he wanted?”

he laid back against the sand, silently praying for some divine intervention to come and swallow him up in the sand so he could be with Newt once more. The safe haven wasn’t a haven to him. It was safe yes, but his haven wasn’t there anymore, and why live without someone to live for?

The words of his conscience stuck with him. ‘Did newt get what he wanted?’

———————————————————————

this hasn’t been reread so I’m sorry for any mistakes.

[cabeswaterdrowned]

assigned each TTPD track to trc/td3 chars/pairings because I was bored.  

Main Tracks

•Fortnight — post TDT & BLLB era Bluesey. not every lyric fits perfectly but the tone/overall subject (requited but forbidden love, especially the implication it’s both literally forbidden (other people involved/kiss curse) and self imposed forbidden (they’re from two different worlds and need to bridge that gap) is so them, pining and yearning, Literally “we can pretend this once then never speak of it again” and then mourning that as they try and keep their distance, also the “your wife waters flowers I want to kill her” bit in my head is Blue being jealous of Henry when she meets him. It makes sense. To me. Primarily a Blue pov song and then the Post Malone bits can be Gansey. 

•The Tortured Poets Department — The Gray Man x Maura, The Gray Man’s post TDT break up anthem. When you give up your hit man life for a woman and she runs off to a cave to find her ex boyfriend, a tree! Will really mess up an Anglo Saxon Poetry lover.

•My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys — DC Party Adansey from both their povs, Adam fearing Gansey only can value him as a possession and can’t love him in a way that Adam would want and Gansey fearing Adam secretly hates him + his heart breaking when Adam smashes the figurines. But the bridge is very Adam pov “I felt more when we played pretend than with all the Kens” Adam’s relationship with projection and both hating Gansey’s facade and being infatuated with and attracted to it, also there are so many ways they pretend seperately and together. 

•Down Bad — Pynch, first verse and chorus definitely Ronan pov in trc, the second verse and chorus as Adam pov in mi then after that could be both of them although still would lean more Ronan pov for the vibes. 

•So Long, London — Noah song. A lot of it could be his pov talking to Whelk, but then the friends he’s referring to could be the Gangsey and the Gangsey pov could be the final chorus saying goodbye to him. 

•But Daddy I Love Him — Niall x Mor. Niall’s pov as he tries to get his mother/his family to accept that he loves Mor. 

•Fresh Out The Slammer — Jordeclan. Self explanatory. 

•Florida!!! — at first I was going to give this one to Blue because of some of the themes about feeling conflicted about your hometown, then I wanted to make it a Hennessy song because some lyrics really fit her, but then eventually I decided this is actually a song about The Fairy Market. Different parts could be from Hennessy Jordan and Declan’s pov and maybe a little bit from Mor’s and/or Henry’s. 

•Guilty as Sin? — this song has both Bluesey and Pynch vibes but to me it’s a Bluesey song overall. Blue pov, yearning for someone you can never touch it’s perfect… 

•Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me? — Ronan song fits him in the first two trc books real well imo. In the second verse he’s addressing the Gray Man but he could be addressing a number of people from Declan to Kavinsky to Niall to Gansey throughout the song. 

•I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can) — Maura Sargent and her terrible taste in men! First verse and chorus about Artemus and Calla and Persephone shaking their heads in the background, then the second time with The Gray Man Calla again shaking her head. 

•loml — Jordeclan, but specifically a Jordan pov song after Declan chooses death by fairy market over her could either say this is her thought process in a middle bit that we didn’t get to see or an au where Declan did die and/or she did leave him for a bit after this.

•I Can Do It With A Broken Heart — Adam song. I think you could read it as in the first verse / go of the chorus the “him” being referred to is Gansey post DC but then in the second verse/chorus it’s Ronan in mister impossible era. His whole thing with masking/not paying attention to his feelings through both series and literally “faking it to make it” at Harvard… I can pass this test… the tonally upbeat music and devastating lyrics. Soo him. 

•The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived — Rovinsky break up song. I think the first verse and chorus is K pov but the rest of the song is Ronan’s pov. 

•The Alchemy — another song with both Pynch and Bluesey vibes but this one I’m giving to Pynch overall. The whole high school relationship currently long distance but I’ll always come back to you thing. 

•Clara Bow — for a minute I thought I really would have to give up on making this one about trc, but then I thought about the whole theme of women mirroring each other Blue and Gwenllian and the tapestry of girls with Blue’s face, their literal mirror powers, the 300 fox way women and how you see something of all of them in Blue / she’s a product of them, Hennessy and her clones, Mor and Aurora. So yeah general vibes of that theme. 

Bonus Tracks 

•The Black Dog — Pynch divorce bop. Adam pov. 

• imgonnagetyouback — Bluedam, now you may be thinking that I’m just assigning this one because I already think get him back! by Olivia Rodrigo is a Bluedam song (see previous web weaving) and this song is just a worse version of that song, and you’d be right that’s why I’m saying it. 

•The Albatross — Bluesey. Gansey associating the color blue with death, learning Blue is his death, being fascinated by her and falling for her more and more the more he accepts his own death… 

• Chloe or Sam or Sofia or Marcus — this is all about romantic drama/a love square between Blue Henry Gansey and Adam, different parts of it are from Gansey or Adam’s pov primarily about each other but they refer to Henry or Blue at different points. The Adansey divorce to Sarchengsey to Chengsey divorce pipeline song essentially. 

• How Did It End? — Adansey!! literally “he was a hothouse flower to my outdoorsmen, our melodies were such we could not cure them” I won’t just go through every lyric but every lyric just screams Adanseycore, as many of her songs about divorce do. 

•So High School — Pynch. “You know how to ball I know Aristotle” referring to Ronan playing tennis is an especially fun aspect. 

• I Hate it Here — Adam, first verse and chorus could be DC party Adam and then as it goes on it’s Adam at Harvard thinking all the things he won’t say to the crying club, and then it’s Adam about Henrietta. 

•thanK you alMee — Declan song centered on his conflicted grief/hatred of Niall. 

 •I Look in People’s Windows — Adam observing the wealthy/people he envies. 

•The Prophecy — Blue song. Elements of Bluesey obviously but mostly about Blue who won’t let fate define her and is brave when she’s afraid, begging for a different fate for Maura when she’s missing for Gansey and Noah, for herself when she wants things from the future that seem impossible for so many reasons. “And I look unstable gathered with a coven around a sorceress table” so the bath tub scene with her and her mom and Aunts! 

•Cassandra — Gwenllian Glendower anthem! 

•Peter — Adam pov Adansey song 😭 I already made a web weaving explaining this and if I tried to again with words I’d throw up and die, but this is the most trc coded song on the album other than the prophecy. 

•The Bolter — Hennessy song. First verse refers to her childhood trauma, The chorus fits Jordanessy and their mi scene with the cars so well and the whole repeatedly dying thing is obviously very Mister Impossible plot coded and also the cyclical nature of her lace dreams are reflected here. 

•Robin — Adansey. “way to go tiger”. 

•The Manuscript — Blue x Henry pining era song post Sarchengsey divorce. 

[mixu]

Naruto and H1n0t0's wedding chapter confirms SNS

For part 4 of Shippuden’s last chapter analysis, and how it actually confirms sns, we’ll go back to the events previous to the wedding.

Pt 4. On how Iruka failed Naruto

As I mentioned on pts. 1-3, the chapters leading to the wedding always seemed odd to me. Something about the flow of dialogue made me feel like there was something I wasn’t understanding. There was one scene in particular in which I felt one of the characters was overreacting about something that shouldn’t be that big of an issue. That scene is where Naruto asks Iruka to attend the wedding as his father.

First, I’ll let you watch the clip (sorry about the quality and lack of sound)

The scene starts with Naruto visiting Iruka. There’s some small talk until Naruto mentions his bachelor days are numbered and wants to make the most of that time, to which Iruka reacts by shouting at him and recriminating him for how hard Hinata has been working for the wedding.

Look at Naruto’s face

He doesn’t understand Iruka’s reaction, and I agree. Why is Iruka so upset? Naruto’s joke might have been in poor taste, but it was a joke. Granted, planning a wedding is a pain in the ass, but Hinata mentioned in the previous episode that her father had taken care of most of it. Hell, she’s the heiress to the wealthiest most powerful Clan in Konoha. Everything gets done for her (she had fucking bodyguards during the war!) She is not doing the planning alone if at all.

Then, Iruka says he failed to raise Naruto as a decent person (blow #1), which is an overstatement because a couple of ramen bowls and heartfelt conversations don’t equal raising a child, then tries to drag him to Hinata’s house to apologize for raising such a thoughtless man (blow #2). Naruto stops him and says they can’t go to Hinata because if Hinata is present, he can’t say what he wants to say… seriously? Iruka asks what he wants to talk about and Naruto responds he’d like to talk about it over ramen (his comfort food) and some drinks, and Iruka cuts him off.

Look at their faces after that

Naruto is nervous because of Iruka’s reaction

Iruka is pissed. I know that face. My mother made that face whenever she was about to tell me how I had fucked up something, and it was never pleasant. But why is Iruka so pissed when Naruto hasn’t even said a thing? What does Iruka suspects or knows Naruto to be guilty about? Then he goes and throws this bomb on Naruto (blow #3):

“I guess I didn’t need to mull over what to say and how to congratulate you.”

「おまえをどう祝ってやるべきか何を伝えればいいのかいろいろ考え必要はなかったな」 I leave the original dialogue too, but it’s pretty much the same:

Like, what? That must have hurt, and it did because look at Naruto’s face when Iruka is walking away.

As I see it, Iruka’s line can be interpreted two ways. Either he knows about sns and that’s the reason Naruto has neglected Hinata, so Naruto doesn’t deserve the consideration of his words. Or, he suspected Naruto was planning to call off the wedding, in which case there was no need for Iruka to prepare a speech.

There’s a pause before Naruto says he has something to ask from Iruka. This makes Iruka turn back because he wasn’t expecting a request (what were you expecting, Iruka?) and notice we don’t get to see Naruto’s eyes but he’s mouth is tense.

When we see his eyes again Naruto looks sad. Why? Okay, maybe he doubts Iruka will grant his request after the way he has been treating him. Or, maybe, he has realized he can’t trust Iruka with what he actually had wanted to say.

Naruto seems lost in thought when he asks Iruka to attend as his father, which softens Iruka’s face like effective immediately. And Iruka is like “Oh, that was it? I thought you were about elope with Sasuke.” And once more, Iruka’s body language doesn’t make sense to me. The tears, ok, it’s an emotive moment, but the clenched fists and the eyes (as if he is containing himself from doing or saying something) before he accepts, don’t add up to me.

Naruto doesn’t look happy, just relieved. Again, not the right reaction in my opinion if his original plan was to ask Iruka to attend the wedding as his father. Naruto should have launched himself at Iruka like he did after Iruka gave him his headband in the first chapter. Instead, they go all formal and thank each other, then Naruto makes a haste exit. Where is he going? Just before the conversation went awry, he was insisting on them having ramen and drinks. Shouldn’t they be celebrating? Moreover, why couldn’t Hinata be present when Naruto presented his request to Iruka? Just a couple of scenes later, Hinata herself says she knew about Naruto making his request.

And why does Iruka starts sobbing when Naruto gets out of sight when they have seen each other cry before? This reeks of guilt and explains why he was behaving the way he did during the wedding.

Imagine being Naruto full of doubts, searching for the support and understanding of the person he trusts the most, the closest thing he ever had to a family and getting this reaction. No wonder their relationship is inexistent in Boruto.

***********************************************************

Stay tuned for pt.5

[sankatsuka]

My Personal Journey with Project SEKAI: How Haruka Kiritani Changed My Perspective on Life

I recently watched a heart-touching video on Omori, and it inspired me to want to express my own feelings about the special place Project SEKAI has in my heart.

I hesitated to share this because of how deeply personal and depressing it is and would leave a bad taste in the mouths of people who want to enjoy Haruka (and Tsukasa) without the lens of depression. But I really want people to take Project SEKAI's writing more seriously instead of treating it as some trauma complexity competition. It would be nice if this could resonate with some people and give some hope to them.

I don't consider myself a victim of ableism, but my struggle is objectively about ableism - so my personal answer may be triggering and something people would not agree with/be able to live with.

TW for ableism and suicide ideation.

For all my life, I suffered from feeling like everyday was empty and was like dying, but I was never comforted for it and thus came to the delusional view that everyone was the same and going through this. 'All of us are trying to become someone we aren't because the world won't accept us for who we really are, so of course I shouldn't expect comfort,' or so I thought. But there was no story that could clearly express this pain - I have felt it several times in fictional characters I'm drawn to, but it was sadly never the focus of the story. Because of this, I always dreamed of creating a story that could strongly express these feelings so all of us can open our eyes to it and not have to suffer alone anymore, and it's what kept me going for years. That is, until I found Wonderlands x Showtime from Project SEKAI.

When I first read the unit story, I recognized a lot of Tsukasa's behaviours and lit up - this was it. This was the story I had always been looking for.

I thought it was a given everyone would have perceived Tsukasa the same way I did. He was the leader character who was trying to become someone else: the framing of 'chasing stardom = couldn't stand life living as himself' couldn't get anymore obvious than that. These were the feelings that drove me to write A True Star as the seeds were so obviously planted but the writers just weren't sowing them. But the fandom was a wake-up call for me that not everyone suffered the same way and could see it, especially as Tsukasa became more and more forcibly fitted into the comfort sunshine boyfriend stereotype by the fandom. Even the people who were touched by my writing had vastly different views from me. It taught me that people are different and feel things differently, and suddenly I no longer knew what I wanted.

Mafuyu was never relatable for me, because I could never relate to being in so much pain to the point of not feeling guilt when people want to help you. For me, everyday was just dull - I could smile and laugh genuinely along with people, but something just felt missing and it made me feel dead inside. I kept aiming to become good at something so I could feel whole, but the motivation was just never there. But what was most painful above all, was the fact that I felt no one ever took my tears and emotions seriously, no matter how much I tried to express myself. This is what I could only perceive in Tsukasa and WxS at the time, and fuelled me into writing A True Star.

But I started feeling more and more guilty and selfish of my feelings for Tsukasa because of Curtain Call. Given the angst, more fans would probably be wanting to see a focus on Rui instead of Tsukasa. I also believed that the writers should be focusing on Rui, because if it made the fans happy, then they SHOULD write Tsukasa off as his fandom oversimplification so as to not overshadow Rui. Tsukasa's pre-established angst and Rui's apparent angst in Curtain Call just couldn't coexist to me without ruining the message and impact of the other. I decided my feelings were just self-pitying exaggeration and shouldn't be captured, and people who related to me should stop living that way. Because of that guilt, I found myself unable to write and draw the things that used to make me happy. I spent a long time paralyzed because of this, crying and suffering everyday from feeling that the dream I had for the longest time turned out to be stupid and there would never be anything fun for me to look forward to. A day didn't go by without me contemplating suicide. This was why I quit Twitter.

But I still couldn't let go of my feelings no matter how hard I tried to - I wanted to see my dream. I wanted to see it touch the hearts of people, for them to realize how painful it was being this way, that my feelings and those like myself were never an exaggeration.

In that same period of time, when I was begging my body to move and do something productive and not be like this over a fucking fictional character, going to counselling and reading all sorts of self-help articles to get over it - I briefly recalled Haruka's story. I finally understood how she felt: being unable to do what you love as you can't help but feel you're just an unwanted burden to others. Even if there are people out there who enjoyed your works, it doesn't matter because you're a fake and there are other better people out there who have more meaningful things to say than you. But even so, you can't let go. She gave me the answer to my dilemma in Painful Hope: to forgive yourself for being different and needing comfort in your own way. Even if it's not a big deal to others, it most certainly is a big deal to you.

Haruka Kiritani surprisingly broadened my perspective on life. I had never understood her character at the start, thinking she was just the stereotype of a responsible girl. I always thought I was a certain way - exaggerated like Tsukasa, but in reality I was far more simpler and pathetic than that. I just felt overly responsible for everyone's emotions for how painfully sensitive I am to people and my surroundings, that I never thought enough about expressing myself. That if I made someone unhappy, something bad would happen. And the big problem was, I believed I always made people unhappy for being different.

Wanting to be saved by the dream of the entire world acknowledging your suffering and being there for you? I only then realized how delusional it was and how it just made me look farther away from myself and worsened my life. How about using those strong senses to just be present and appreciate every moment of being human and alive instead? Enjoying the happy times with all your heart, letting yourself just feel the pain when someone hurts you, live everyday looking forward to more encounters that would enrich your life... Maybe along the way, you may even miraculously find something that completes you. (I LOVE YOU IF!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR CHANGING ME YURRY CANON AND HARUKA KIRITANI!!!!)

It isn't about discarding your suffering, it's about acknowledging reality: there are so many people living in the world, it can't just be the way you need it to be for your happiness - but you can change. You just have to live for something that you can attain for sure, like facing the pain and emptiness of everyday for what it is and having hope for happier days. (My favourite anime of all-time Gintama captures this sooooo well, delusion vs reality, how both of them are equally important - please watch it. Now don't get me started on how strongly similar Project SEKAI and Gintama are--).

Besides, I wouldn't want people to change for me. I love them for who they are, and I was just blinded running away thinking no one would ever want me around as me. But now, I live trying to face the reality that there will be people who care and want me to be happy. I'll live with the pain of people not caring about me so I can fully experience those happier times when they come. And just because people don't care doesn't mean they're terrible people - the world is huge, there are too many options and choices for people to make.

Even if life is always so painful, there are times it's still so fun. I just can't let go after all.

Haruka Kiritani is the reason I stopped entrusting my ridiculous dream to Tsukasa and I'm not in as bad a place mentally anymore. I was just delusional like Tsukasa was, thinking achieving your dream would change everything and make you finally feel wanted and enough (lol, the meta is crazy). I'm grateful the scenario writers didn't give me what I wanted right away with Tsukasa - because then, I wouldn't have noticed the beauty in Haruka's writing. I'm pretty confident that WxS is definitely going in the direction I dreamed of (the same message I wanted to convey in A True Star), but it doesn't really matter much to me anymore now.

I can't go along with dreams of being saved anymore. I understand wanting them, I really did. But right now, what's more important to me is the love people have for me in the present, even if it's imperfect, flawed and hurts so much. I don't ever want to be saved if it means turning a blind eye to people who want me around and failing to respond to them as I've been doing up till now. I'm still not fully understood, which is why it hurts - but as long as I respond as seriously as I can, things might hopefully change someday. I've always been loved, and I want to cherish that. It's because of that I can no longer muster the emotions and anger to write A True Star anymore.

I slowly started realizing more and more similarities in Haruka too. There was such a small detail in Towards The Dream of That Day (Focus 3) that meant the world to me: the small moment where a young Haruka expresses discomfort with the crowd. Can you imagine that this sensitive girl who gets tired from crowds is now a top idol?

"...But there were so many people, I think I might be a little exhausted."

It didn't even hit me when I read that part, but I had a memory just like that with my own mother which slipped my mind. It's probably happened so many times my family had to take care of me in crowds in the past. But I had been so immersed in the delusion that I could overcome anything, that I completely forgot I was always the shy, fragile young girl to my family.

We have both always been loved and seen by people around us, but we just don't feel good enough that we end up trying to become someone else. It also doesn't help when your family thinks you can grow out of it - but if they love you, they will try to understand and you will feel that love if you're present. This is a big reason why living in reality is now so important to me - to properly respond to my loved ones, so that we can someday see eye-to-eye. And not to forget, to be able to smile and have fun with all my being once again.

More recently, it finally sunk in that I have always been terrible at smiling. I hated taking photographs because I could never get it to look the way I want it to, because no matter how hard I tried to smile, it just couldn't turn out natural. My mother has always pointed it out ever since I was young, but I didn't acknowledge it because I knew I could smile more naturally if I was in the mood - which is true... it isn't even autism, because when I'm talking about or doing something I love, I would be smiling and laughing so hard that my friends and family take notice. Just like Haruka and penguins, and when idol activities and times with her friends are genuinely exhilarating and fun.

A big problem we likely have is a form of neurodivergence that makes the normal world too boring and understimulating for us. And it's really a struggle - constantly being understimulated to even hold normal conversations, and then there's how most of our loved ones wouldn't get it because of how different we are.

And finally, there's Haruka in Precious Memories.

(I... can smile like this too.) (It seems somewhat different from when I'm at work...)

"...Thank you for giving me such wonderful memories, Saki."

How she realized she should cherish and preserve every moment in her life from Saki is so, so important to me. Even with friends, even if she's not always fully happy, she can have times she would find herself smiling so happily without realizing it.

It hammers in the realization I came to because of her character. After all, I ended up like this, unaware and self-hating, because I kept taking my own emotions and people's emotions towards me for granted. I was already happy just spending time around family and friends, but I couldn't fully immerse myself in it because of how hard I constantly was on myself. And the cycle of anger went on as people couldn't understand why I was so hard on myself. This is the power of Project SEKAI, just because she too couldn't move at all at one point - Haruka Kiritani helped me understand myself so much better and navigate life in a healthier, wholer way, embracing both the joys and pains of life. (Well... I still do run away, but I'm working on it...)

Shiho also became an incredibly important character to me because of the message in Stick to Your Faith that supplemented Haruka's character. I never thought to think of it that way, that there were things you couldn't let go of but it's okay to care about people's feelings at the same time. As someone with unique interests and who takes things a little too seriously, it was the words that I really needed to hear. I don't think we are similar enough to share even the same motivations though, but Shiho's values have definitely lit a way forward in my self-discovery. It's embarrassing to be so impacted by a story that isn't serious to most people. But truly, to Colorful Palette, thank you for writing Haruka Kiritani. Honami, Shiho and Tsukasa were all equally as important in making me realize the true weight of emotions and their impact on you. Project SEKAI made my dream come true in MORE MORE JUMP, in a far different yet better way than what I expected. I hope that this post would make people realize that Project SEKAI characters are more human than tropes. I was once blinded by tropes too, which made me miss out on how beautifully written Honami was - it really, really takes time to grow out of it. I'm tired of people attributing angst and depression only to Niigo when that's just a part of life and everyone has at least experienced it once. The sudden shift in atmosphere in No Seek No Find? A song about life and death in Kashika? Utsuro wo Aogu literally meaning 'looking into the void'? The constant themes of escapism in Emu commissions?

Each character is so strongly human in nature, that you can just understand the emotions they're feeling in the moment and why they feel that way. The narrative won't spell it for you, the characters are all unreliable narrators - you need to immerse yourself in both the story and the commissions and understand it yourself. You need to read all the unit stories to understand the writers' approach to emotions. Even if it doesn't make sense to you, it might start to make sense the more you learn about yourself and the people around you - because the writers have put in their actual emotions and experiences into writing and planning the character.

That is the beauty of Project SEKAI to me. I hope someday, instead of a cringey angsty teenage story, people could come to appreciate the human love and care put into its characters.

Finally, I end this love letter to Project SEKAI with one of my most favourite lines in If:

"Singing won't save your life or anything. But I want to sing for your sake."

"Even if this life of mine has no worth, the world is still beautiful. So let's live."