#I feel really bad and guilty now

[southernreaches]

i need help with vet bills (again).

hi. for those of you who remember, earlier this year i asked for donations to help me afford toos' vet bills, who we found out through your help had kidney failure, and again with your help we got her on medication for it. unfortunately it wasn't enough, and we lost her. and then shortly after, dexter began deteriorating, which we put down to his grief of losing toos - she kept him young, he followed her everywhere, he only played because of her, he only ate when she ate, etc. without her he just stopped. and then he started to have seizures and fits daily. we got him blood tests, but he was suffering so badly. we made the decision to put him down. i didn't ask for donations this time, because i was so deeply embarrassed to ask for help again. but we are still recovering financially from that, as well as the parts of toos bills that didn't get covered from donations. my mother hasn't worked for a very long time, she's disabled and very sick, and she receives PIP from the government that only covers her monthly medications that are not covered by the NHS. my father retired early to become her full time carer, and we are living off his pension. i am too disabled to work, but because my mother already receives PIP and i live with them, the government are resistent to giving me any help - so i have zero income, and rely entirely on my parents.

this is jenny. she's a 14 year old cairn terrier, who loves when we garden because she wants to help dig holes. she helped us bury dexter and toos, digging their graves for them with my dads help. she's an angel, and loves people so much she likes to escape under the fence and join other families for awhile. one time she got into someones back garden and asked to come in as they were eating lunch. she really hates flies, and will try to bite them out of the air (she has never succeeded but i believe she will one day). she will rub her face against you until you start stroking her, and will growl and even bark if you stop! we don't have the money to take jenny to the vets, for a checkup or for anything they may want to do. this has been an ongoing issue, but toos and dexter took priority, and it hasn't been a bother to her. she existed as normal for a long time, but that's since changed.

jenny has this lump in her mouth, it is larger than the picture shows, but she is a nightmare to force open her mouth since this got so big, i think it's uncomfortable or painful for her. she can't properly close her lips now, and it has pushed all her front teeth away, misshaping her mouth, and sometimes it bleeds profusely. eating has become difficult for her, she can't eat anything hard, and currently will only eat soft human foods like rice, scrambled egg chopped up so small she doesn't have to chew, and things like soups and gravy. she's lost a lot of weight, and i'm getting frightened. to add onto it, i've found lumps like this across her body. i've done as much research as i can, and i believe it to be an oral tumor, it fits, and it looks right, and it spreading across her body is called 'full staging'. and going by all i've read - they will want to remove them in surgery. according to my research, this will cost anywhere from £585 - £4,740 for just the lump in her mouth. that's not including any checkup/test costs, or the other lumps on her body.

she hasn't been to the vet yet, i don't have any secure goal or bills to share, just my assumptions and beliefs from researching myself online. my parents refuse to take her because we can't afford it. i want to save up money, have it in my bank, and show them that we can help her now, before it gets worse, or it's too late. as i said before, i don't have any income, so the only way i can do this is with help.

here's a link to my paypal.me

the icon is a little mouse, and the @ is rivellon

i struggled so badly posting the first post like this for toos. i felt so guilty and embarrassed and ashamed. but i have no choice again, i want to help jenny. i don't want her to suffer. and selfishly, i can't handle losing another dog so soon. this year has been waking nightmare, and i need your help to stop it getting even worse.

please reblog and share, even if you can't donate.

thank you for reading.

[candyheartedchy]

Do any other self shippers feel guilty when they start focusing on a new f/o?

[quietlyblooms]

alrighty, friends, i feel the need to be a little transparent because it's affecting things here. the short version of everything is: i'm not doing so hot in the mental health department. no one needs to be concerned -- i'm okay even if i'm having a hard time. but i just ask that everyone continues to be patient and understanding bc i promise that i'm excited to write and chat!! both new and old mutuals, i have so much admiration for you all!! the problem is that the discomfort and sensitivity i feel are making it increasingly difficult to be punctual and social.

so what does this mean? it means my activity may continue to be extra slow. i might procrastinate with messages or go completely silent. i might not log on some days just so i don't have to use my brain. but however my presence here fluctuates, i promise that in no way this is a reflection of my feelings towards you or our muses. i'm just going through it.

all that said, thank you for being here <3 thank you for filling my dash with things that make me smile, and thank you for being a space where i can relax. i care about all of you so much, and i encourage you to be kind to yourselves!! take breaks!! take your time!! your happiness and health matter first always.

[skyeslittlecorner]

Duty of a right hand man: Bael

My clock says it's angst time, and since I am cursed with the ability to arrange the letters of the alphabet in a certain order, I am going to share it with you. These boys lives in hell and I’m gonna make it literal. I'm sorry, Bael, but you're perfect for this. Words count: 724 Warning: cruelty, blood, indication of death

꧁*:･ ✡ ･:*꧂

Slashed bodies of angels littered the street at Bael's feet. Limbs and torsos, chopped with a whip, lay in dead silence; white feathers were lost in the snow, which had soaked up red with pools of blood. It was not the first and not the last time that a self-proclaimed legion entered Avisos. Today there were more of them than ever, but they were no wiser. Bael relaxed his hand. He didn't need a weapon as the last noises of the battle had died down moments ago. Naberius should organize the medics, Stolas collect the wounded, and Amon get rid of the enemy remnants. The boys were a crazy but well-oiled machine. He sighed and slumped against the wall. Just a moment. He needed to breathe.

Things would be much easier if Beel were with them. Either him, or Descendant of Solomon. Bael felt a strange stinging just above the hip when he thought about them. They didn't see each other often. He didn't have time for that, and they seemingly didn’t care about it. They were almost always with Beel, busy with God knows what; probably with everything but their duties. Although after all the time Bael had spent as a false king, maybe ruling wasn’t Beelzebub duty anymore. To negotiate, to fight, to reign. It's just... it would be nice to have someone by your side. Of course, he was neither surprised nor angry. Who wants to work when they can party and travel? And apparently with someone who's worth it?

The pain intensified and nausea rose in his throat. He was Beel's best friend, he agreed to leave everything and do anything to help his King and Avisos. Just those... thoughts started to come more and more often. Today they were especially torn and mixed. That’s why Bael preferred to be so busy that he fell asleep standing up. A disloyal regent? This country deserves better.

He took a rasping breath. A cloud of steam rose from his lips, danced over the chest and blurred in cold air.

In needed to distract himself he tried to stand up, but his legs somehow refused to obey.  Fire seems to burn in his side, making it more and more unbearable. He took out his phone and stared at Beel's number. It would be a holiday if he answered. For a moment, emptiness filled Bael's head like cotton, vast and foggy. Slowly, he dialed the number of the second person who came to his mind. And who possibly would like to spare some time for him.

“Hello?”

“MC, who’s calling?”

“Don't be interested, it’s my business!”

Two voices of two people whom Bael considered his closest. Probably if Beel hears him, he'll hang up immediately.

“Nevermind. Bael, what’s up?”

“I... Avisos... Avisos is doing great.” He gripped his side. His hand might as well have been a red-hot rod stuck in his ribs. He slowly realized why it was so painful. Sticky blood flowed through his fingers. As the puddle of redness was growing on the frozen sidewalk, he stared hypnotized. So much… Where did it come from? 

“This failure of a man just tried to feed me with a fried cockroach.”

“Come on baby, it’ll be funny!”

The snow melted into the red liquid, but Bael felt no cold. Every breath burned. Each breath made him feel lighter. Indeed, funny…  The voices of the argument also became quieter. 

“I just... it’s good to hear you. Both.”

“Bael! Tell them, you would trust me, wouldn't you? I promise cockroaches tastes great and are full of protein.”

“I would.” He closed his eyes and added in his thoughts: I always did.

Slowly through the muffled mind a smells begin to tickle his nose. The iron scent of blood, the lilac stench of angelic bodies. His eyes were open, but instead of darkness, everything turned white. It was as if the steam from his mouth had completely obscured the view. He couldn't follow the conversation anymore, but those two voices made him feel... cozy. As if they were right next to him. As if the pain had almost stopped choking him.

With the last of his consciousness, he put the call on speakerphone before his hand fell to his side. His head dropped. Snowflakes stuck into his chilling body like needles.

The last thing he wanted to remember was them. Hearing both of them, happy and safe… maybe it wasn’t so bad after all.

[sysig]

Now that they can, would they want to spend a lot of time together? (Patreon)

[kira-light0]

Trying really hard to simplify my art style because attempting realism was destroying my motivation

[tariah23]

Man, I still remember participating in one of the many jjba zines that I took part in and how my piece was placed as the first page (for the second time) and how one of my mutuals/artists that I’ve always admired, hit me with the “oh… you’re on the front page again… 😅…” like man, that kind of killed me lmfao. I never got over it like man, what was that about.

[autisticlee]

sometimes people who struggle like to make jokes or find positives about their condition that causes them to struggle so they can escape the constant negative and struggle. sometimes autistic people will say things like "the 'tism" or use the "autism creature" or say their autism helped them have a *positive trait* to feel better about their struggles. because living your life only focusing on the struggles and negatives is depressing and makes it hard to want to live, even if those struggle take up 100% of your life and you can't actually escape them. sometimes any little seemingly positive thing can help a lot.

but there's so many other autistic people that hate when we do that and call it "reducing autism to a cute trendy thing" and say it takes away from *their* struggles and is bad and shouldn't be used. maybe *you* want to only focus on your struggles, but some people can't live in constant negative and need some positive or to find ways to make their condition more positive so they can feel better about living with their struggles. life is hard. I take anything I can get.

I cant get jobs. I can't make and keep friends. I can't get help and support for doing "normal" things so sometimes I go weeks without being able to shower and without eating more than a bowl of cereal a day. most times can't even do things I like. struggle to communicate. have meltdowns. i'll never be able to live independently. I struggle a lot. but instead of sitting here always depressed and having no motivation to live, i'd rather try to joke about "my 'tism is acting up again" when i'm struggling (just an example. don't think I ever actually used the 'tism thing but i saw others use it) or say "i'm just being a creature" when I need to stay in my dark room because everything is too much and I personally find it cute to be a little creature meant in a positive way. i'm not actually downplaying mine or anyone else's struggles. I still acknowledge them and that silly jokes dont make them go away. i'm not trying to be trendy. i'm not doing any of the things people say we do by making silly little jokes. i'm using the silly little jokes to convince myself life can be a little more than pointless, painful garbage all the time.

(continue in tags)

[good-beanswrites]

How would LCSYS be different if it was "Order of Attack"?

For starters, the only things of OoA that would have happened are the voice dramas.

Hmm, I wonder what caused the admins to decide the attacks would turn out that way.

WAH why haven't I thought to combine the aus yet???

A lot would remain the same, aside from some of the voice drama angst happening differently (both on their end and Es'). I think the biggest difference would be that Shidou and Amane would be forced to interact a lot more -- while their Milgram appearances would be waay more hostile than originally planned, their behind-the-scenes relationship would improve a lot. Shidou spends a lot of time telling her about the side effects of the injuries so she can properly act them out, as well as check in that she's taking off the eyepatch often enough to not ruin her eyesight, none of which are him overstepping on her beliefs. While she still judges him for his profession, she doesn't feel personally attacked by him and can have many civil conversations.

(Meanwhile, Fuuta would have a much harder time acting out these injuries than the canon ones 😅 It takes absolutely all of his willpower not to let his temper get the better of him and jump out of the wheelchair to yell at Es)

As for how it happened...

---

Kotoko knocked on Amane’s door. There was no answer at first, but she knew the girl was in there. She banged harder. 

Amane opened it, lifting her chin to face the woman head-on. Kotoko stared down at her.

“Momose Amane.”

Then, she bent down. Kotoko took her hands into her own. “Are you sure about this?” 

She hadn’t believed it, when she first read the changes to the next trial scripts. Confronting Jackalope hadn’t done much for her; he insisted it had all been Amane’s idea to begin with. He went along with it because he thought the proposed injury swap would be exciting, and grim, and definitely get a big reaction.

Kotoko still had her suspicions until it was finally confirmed, “yes, this is my decision. I stand by it.”

“I don’t want to make you relive something so painful.”

“I do not know what you mean.” 

The way her eyes flicked away revealed that she did indeed know.

“You’ll be more isolated from the others during the trial.”

“Only when the Warden is around.”

Kotoko squeezed her hands. Maybe another route would work. “Injuries like that are impossible to fake nonstop – you’ll need to use medical aid to make it convincing. Will you be alright with that, even if it’s an act?”

“It’s perfect. I will show the warden it is violating to force me into another’s beliefs, without sinning at all myself.”

Kotoko opened her mouth, but Amane interrupted. “Are you afraid it will paint you too villainous?” She wasn’t being harsh – she seemed genuinely worried. 

“I mean, they think I’m here for murder. There’s not much more villainous I can be.” 

It was a truth to hide a truth. Kotoko knew this change would be nothing but a death sentence for her. Yet she’d spent all day planning out her video with the team, shakily writing out notes about a short temper and uncontrollable anger. What if Amane was right? In the heat of the moment, what lengths would she go to in the name of justice?

So the least she could do in return was go to this length.

“I need to make sure you are wholly alright with this. If so, I vow to play the part perfectly for you.” She studied Amane’s expression, but it was difficult to get a read in the dim bedroom. Only the little desk lamp was on, illuminating textbooks and art projects. “Just tell me why.”

“The others asked me about it, too,” Amane said. “They thought it was a dark topic to explore, but I was able to convince them that it would highlight the best in all of us: It would show what a skilled caregiver Mahiru is, when given the opportunity. It would reveal that Fuuta’s passion, his heart, is truly his strength. It would highlight my own virtues and weaknesses, given my beliefs. It would even show your dedication to your ideals, even if not in a fully pleasant light.”

“That makes sense…” She could tell there was more Amane wasn’t saying. She gave her a look.

Amane’s eyes flicked around the room.

Kotoko nodded to encourage her. 

“Well… I also thought…” She swallowed. “The warden saw my punishments in my video, but deemed it righteous when they named me unforgiven. I just…”

“You wanted to see if they saw the things you went through – the things you really went through – would they still think that was okay?”

Amane let her head drop, using the heel of her hand to smear tears that had suddenly spilled from her eyes. “It’s selfish,” she blurted. “I know it’s so, so selfish.”

Kotoko made a sound of surprise. 

“I’ll take it back,” she cried. “I’ll tell Jackalope to undo it. It was wrong of me. I shouldn’t make you suffer for my selfish wishes. I’m sorry.”

Kotoko knew the girl wasn’t the hugging type, but she opened her arms just in case. “Amane…”

After a moment of deliberation, she shocked her by accepting the embrace. 

“You listen to me.” Kotoko held her tight. She kept her voice level. “You’re not going to take anything back. Do you hear me? That is not selfish at all. That is something very reasonable to hope for. If the warden is going to be unjust, then it is our job to teach them, right?”

Amane made a noncommittal sound in reply.

“It is. That’s why you came here – I remember when you told us that. That’s what we’re going to do. You and I both. If anyone dares tell you this is selfish, send them right to me. I’ve got you, okay?”

It was an odd declaration given what she was agreeing to, but everything about this experiment had challenged what was normal.

“I’ve got your back.”

[ultaslodgings]

Hey guys, guess who finally got to THAT part of the Vengeance route

[angryducktimemachine]

Grandparents love to go "oh why do you never visit" and then misgender you the whole time you are there.

[skyward-floored]

*minding my own business feeling fine*

*suddenly remembers one time I lost patience with somebody online*

*guilt*

[foreignobjecticus]

Having lots of hobbies is great! No matter how much you achieve in a day, you will always also have the Guilt of 'I should be doing Other Hobby' gnawing at your insides. :)

[httpiastri]

https://www.tumblr.com/httpiastri/759556209227563008/so-im-the-original-skinny-dipping-anon-i-feel

Great minds think alike 👹👹👹

Okay but like- to add in some spice, a little tweaking here, some fucking with her mentality over there, obviously between Ollie and Paul, what if the day before her and Ollie leave when summer break ends to head back for training practice sim sessions whatever it is, they accidentally go to that same beach or they walk/drive past it. And as soon as reader sees that beach she gets flashbacks to that very night. Because as mentioned before it’s the first time her and Paul were like physically vulnerable. No spice happens but just the two of them reaching a new milestone in their relationship. Like it causes her even more conflict cause the way she felt that night she hasn’t felt the same with Ollie, or at least hasn’t felt it on the same level. And looking between the promise ring from Ollie and looking at the beach she’s just even more conflicted. Cause Ollie is just such a sweet and amazing boyfriend but he doesn’t cause her to become all soft and fuzzy inside, the butterflies she feels are often mixed with anxiety because she knows she doesn’t love Ollie the same way Ollie loves her. She Knowles she doesn’t feel the love from Ollie the same way she felt the love from Paul. And it’s so messy and maybe when she gets back to campos or the next time she sees Pepe she like breaks down from the internal conflict and mindfuck-

I hope this isn’t too much but like- what if- Yk?

s t o p 😭 i cant 😭😭😭 the guilt she's feeling is so heartbreaking….. i honestly have no words, you put it all too well 😭 and omfg her having been bottling everything up and when she just sees pepe, she just breaks down instantly because she knows she can let down her guard around him? she sees his big smile and just starts crying in his arms and confesses everything to him :(((((((

[chrisbangs]

hello... (and bye ig 👋)

[lottieurl]

i'm well aware there are single parents out there working full time but i think working full time and living alone with my dog is about to put me in a psychward