#I feel like my brain is a fucking mess
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hitting my 30s while the government is collapsing is really uhhhhhh unfortunate timing I gotta say
#I’m not doing so well guys#I don’t know what I should be doing#should I pack up. like am I in danger. do I need to leave the state#should I be going home to be with my parents#should I go in to work like normal and make travel plans for Japan#should I be working on art to have ready for the summer conventions#is that insane. am I insane#I feel like my brain is a fucking mess#I keep thinking about climate change and microplastics and fascists#should I be grateful that I still dont have a legal name change? does that make me less of a target#are my pcp and top surgeon not returning my calls for a reason#is it ridiculous for me to still be trying to get surgery at all#I’m going insane#my kitchen is a mess#I just want a hug. my family is so far away
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do you remember exactly where you were when basically im gay dropped? are there other d&p videos/content that you’ve had that experience with? am reminiscing and curious
#I was living in New York and I had to go soon so I had my phone propped up on the shelf in the closet so I could watch while getting ready#(kind of hilarious that my phone was literally in the closet while I watched him come outta the closet!)#but then I was crying and grinning#and I just remember feeling so unfathomably proud#and becoming a mess and I just couldn’t even remotely begin to process it all#and then I had to go to work and just be normal and not say a word and I just wanted to SCREAM don’t you know don’t you all know#you need to know!!!!!!!#and then I passed timothee chalamet on the street we nodded politely at each other that’s literally not remotely a lie#real rush of a day that was#I clocked him from like 3 blocks away bc yes I was gagging for him at the time and yes cmbyn changed my brain chemistry fuck you#I think I privated all my charmie bookmarks after the cannibalism stuff dropped lol but maybe not too lazy to check#ANYWAY.#dan and phil#phan#dan’s finest work one of the best videos on the platform period really such a beautiful perfect brave piece i love and appreciate him so.
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i love fingon so much just. he's so good and so reckless and he loves so fiercely it makes him do the most stupid shit, and in turn no one ever quite puts him first. I'm going to eat glass
#*mine#tolkien#the silmarillion#silm#fingon#turgon and gondolin. fingolfin and his despair. maedhros and his oath. aredhel and turgon. and so on and so FORTH. and YET#god. godddd#i'm fine it's fine I just need to lie down in traffic for a hot second#not even FINGON puts fingon first. he survives the helcaraxe and goes rescue maedhros#and i don't even mean he handles it gracefully i LOVE the idea of a fingon with a bit of an edge. who jumps head-first into danger#/because/ of all this. no one quite cares all that much cleary so why should he. he just wants to feel something so he might as well do som#unhinged fucking shit. move move move then at least you don't have to think so much#just. do you GET IT#screaming crying pls ignore me#these tags are a mess but this is what my brain has been like for a week straight so. yk#just. my guy :((
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Horizon: Zero Dawn (72/ꝏ) | REMASTERED Avad's Offer
#radio spaceman#horizon#horizon zero dawn#horizonedit#hzd#vgedit#gamingedit#horizon zero dawn remastered#hzd remastered#hzdr#aloy#aloy hzd#avad#avad hzd#avaloy#here's my hot fucking take: i think avad was straight up offering aloy a job here and not intending to hit on her at all#like he likes and respects her obviously and her saving his bacon is a big part of that offer#but he doesn't want to like hook up with her in this moment#and intends it as 'my dear friend/main non carja ally/major advisor just got murdered temporarily resurrected and murdered again.'#'i did my mourning for her when she first disappeared then had a single ray of hope that she could be brought back alive'#'and then she died in her brother's arms'#'even though i grieve for her even more deeply now i need to line up a replacement for her role'#'otherwise all the things we've worked for will come crashing down around our ears'#'aloy you don't really give a shit about the rules and customs of tribes if they get in the way of your goals;'#'would you be willing to help me with this mess?'#it just comes out Not Great because he almost fucking died ten minutes ago#and his brain is still fried from whatever the hell dervahl's sonic weapon did to him#additionally! i feel like the fact that aloy is... really not good with people is often glossed over/overlooked#esp at this point in her character development#UGH i had more to say but the tungle tag limit has FUCKED me. if you want to know more about my hot take send me an ask IN GOOD FAITH ONLY
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My farmer arc
#yeah its way to late in the year to be hatching but this is florida where crackheads and repu-#anyways it doesnt get truly cold until january and they will be fully feathered by then#they have a mom#and she is UH WARM#shes a silkie so you know brooding powerhouse#my mom's silkies actually#these guys arent mine but she dont mess with them and Sarah wanted to brood on a clutch so i let her#FIRST TIME TOO SHE DID GREAT the other 3 eggs are a little younger so they will probably pip tomorrow#only one death and it was from an unobsorbed yolk#being medicated has been fucking fantastic i have a normal relationship with the internet so far and i have been like....idk healtheir?#still haveing heath problems like CURRENTLY RIGHT NOW AS IM TYPING IM IN PAIN but like overall mental health is FANTASITC i dont feel manic#anymore at all its just nice and good and ive gotten out of the years long brain fog ive had for the most part it seems#sorry for the turbo haiatus but i said before i post on my own terms for drwwings and comic#i have to thank you all with being very patient with me so eveeyone gets a cute Chick picture
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What being insane over Dra does to a mf
#fuck I'm actually considering getting back into discord just to get into the remake server#not sure if I'd actually offer/ask to be a writter for the team but the urge™ to hop there and check things out is CRAZY#tho just thinking about the app still makes me feel shitty. bad experiences there is what made me drop it in the first place#idk. maybe I'll get it again and try it for a bit if i still feel anxious/uneasy by negative association I'll just delete it again#a shame because discord is so wildly used. i feel like i miss out on a lot of stuff because of my brain bring stupid#it's been years why am i still like this#Btw this wasn't anything SERIOUS serious. i was never groomed or worse#it was just a whole mess that stuck to me#hyena ramblings
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ADHD rage kicking my ass
#its been not good lately like UGH#i just want to break things but i can't and wont but FUCK I really want to#it's like twice as bad when I'm hungry#dude when im hungry everything feels like the straw that broke the camels back and it SUCKS#my stomach hurts cuz im hungry and i got asked to clean up the bathroom (A MESS I DIDN'T FUCKING CREATE) and it sucks.#like i need to pick up other peoples bloody shit and its GROSS. AND I HATE IT.#stupid dogs cant keep their noses out of the damn trash and stupid people cant figure out how to close the fucking life#*lid#WHATEVER#IM MAD#AND IM UPSET THAT I'M MAD BECAUSE ITS NOT A BIG DEAL#stupid emotional regulation issues take me out every day#my sister told me last week i needed to get put on medication for my anger snd I was like ??? GIRL????????#this sister is the one that caused all my social anxiety and my “pity me” complex btw ✨#like. 4th and 5th grade me hated myself because of her#it permanently scarred how i percieve people and relationships#ugh this got weird didnt it#WHATEVER i need to shut up#tummy hurts brain is mad#fucking hell dude
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ooh. what if my brain soup is so fucked up because i need to go back on sunday
#trying very desperately to figure out what the fuck my brain is feeling rn because it's very crisis adjacent and i'm. having a good time?#like i'm meeting my friends and going nice places and having fun and then my brain freaks and spirals#crying a lot tonight#some of it is DEFINITELY the cold induced brainfog messing with me i cry a lot when i'm sick since pertussisgate '24#but the rest i can only attribute to how much i don't want to be back in italy#i laugh and laugh about it. but it's so shit#sorry everyone has to read my misery!!! please feel free to block my talkies tag i don't have a lot of fun posts lately. tag:#veni veni
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sighhhhhh this beautiful sound
this shit's how we've been feeling. like the instruments, that floaty numb cold feeling but still PAINFULLY borderline aware but unable to like yknow ENJOY?
all we've got left is media. and even that's starting to stop doing anything.
but what the fuck can we do, yknow?
each time this happens it's just so god awful.
and it just keeps happening, over and over and over, with less and less breaks between.
what if one day I can't get out of it?
what if one day we're just stuck numb and cold forever?
what if one day all we'll feel is this numbness and the sadness and the rage?
what then? will anyone be there?
will anyone care?
will we just be alone?
why would we stick around then, huh?
we're already basically friendless.
who's gonna wanna be friends when we have no personality, hell, no existence or REALITY left?
who's gonna wanna be in our fucking vicinity when we're nothing anymore?
that feeling like drowning.
we're ALWAYS drowning.
just brought up for air to get plunged back into the ice cold water for another round.
how long until we don't get brought back up?
#welcome to the island of misfit toys#you say the whole world ended. honey it already did.#Patrick posting#the clowns are rambling instead of dancing#random posts#mental health vent#vent post#sorry for venting#it's just... happening again. yayyy..#and yknow all of you can say you care you can mean it. but I'll still fear for us the day we have nothing left to give#the day we can't be just... this anymore#i guess we'll just try to treasure whatever we have left while we still do. yknow. before the last bit of us dies#i hate my role here. sure i exist for a reason. wanna know what it fucking is?#I'm a sponge. I'm a fucking SPONGE. I'm only here to absorb all of that NEGATIVE SHIT that we can't handle.#it just FEEDS into my own mental health. and then I feel like the prick for what the fucking BRAIN created me to DO.#I'M IN HELL. and I'm there FOREVER because it's all I EXIST to do. I exist to SUFFER FOR EVERYONE ELSE.#and i dont blame the others. it isn't their fault.#but GOD am i tired of fucking venting. I'm tired of making these posts. I'm tired of these feelings.#I'm tired of being the sponge for this fucking mess. i just wanna be happier for like... yknow a week. nothing crazy.#just some time where we feel GOOD. really GENUINELY good. not fake good. not masking. REAL good. REAL joy.#mlandersen0 fictive#sorry for being depressing#sorry for the vent
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I'm still not over him nor this character of his like holy fuck man
#listen i know there are plenty of pretty boys and hot men in the world and we have our little moments of awe and go oh oh wow#but then sometimes you lay your eyes on a guy that just hits different and this dude... this fucking dude#this dude messed with the fabric of reality it broke the time space continuum for a moment#i think i legit lost some minutes of my life while my brain rebooted after crashing bc of the massive sudden input#funniest thing is that happened after i watched the whole of aqotwf like i had noticed he was cute but then i took a good look#without the emotional turmoil hogging brain space and lo and behold i was gone#like i simp over all my babygirls but he just asks for some time of reflexion#i feel like a renaissance poet i could write pages attributing the meaning of our whole humanity on his existence or some shit like that#i mean he pretty yeah?#albrecht schuch#stanislaus katczinsky#ascu
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Didn't felt like mentioning it immediately but shoutout to my sick and twisted brain for getting so triggered by an unexpected Christmas parade that I ended up havin the absolute worst panic attack of my entire life (potentially the only real one? I've had a couple other episodes I thought of as panic attacks but they were not even close to that so who knows) to the point where I spent the very last day of my 30th year on this earth in the ER, good times, good times 😊
#that was 10 days ago and i honestly was fine immediately after it ended so don't worry for me <3#but yeah this shit was crazy holy hell#like i knew intellectually that 'feeling like you're dying' is a symptom of a panic attack but *actually* feeling it is another thing...#and even at the worst i was like 'ok i'm clearly having a panic attack it's not nice but it's gonna be ok'#but there was a piece of my brain that was like 'ok but what if your mom or grandma had told themselves that...'#'when they were having heart attack? They would have died and so will you 😊'#and i was like shit can't argue with that better get my ass to the hospital before i die#spoiler alert: i didn't died#ironically enough the revolting state of our healthcare system is lowkey what helped me calmed the fuck down#because i was tiny but i do remember when my mom had her heart attack and they sure as hell didn't let her wait for 7h+#so when i realized that this is what was gonna happen after i spent a brief moment with a nurse i was just like...oh i'm fine actually lol#and then i had to go take the bus in my fake crocs that i usually never wear outside of the house smh#interestingly enough my phobia of hospital seems to have competely disappear! which makes me believe that it was more a trauma response#than an actual phobia#not that the name changes that much but still interesting development#also no i'm not wearing a mask because nobody gave me one#that's actually one of the thing that made me leave lmao#oh and btw the christmas parade is true but also a bit more complex than that#basically i had a full sleepless night and i was mad so i decided to go buy myself some weed#turned out that there was a huge christmas parade 5 minutes away from the weed store so i hade to find another way#and then i got lost on the way back#and saw no less than 3 big fights between different homeless people#including one man randomly kicking another man's dog (which kinda really messed with me tbh)#and then i smoked a big joint (first one in like 10 days) with 0 sleep and zero food in my body#and then i took the bus#and then the bus driver yelled at an elderly man for not waiting at the right place#and then i took a sip of water and for some truly strange reason my brain decided that the water had gone in my lungs#and that i was actively drowning#and the rational part of me was like...girl that's not what drowning feels like what are you even talking about??#and then my brain went 'well if we're not drowning than we're having a heart attack'
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you art is so beautiful omg
just been coming back from a hiatus/inactivity so i’m glad people have been enjoying it so much, ffxiv has been a joy and creative font for me these past few months after feeling a bit bummed by art. thankfully i feel completely refreshed recently and comments like these make things sweeter, thank you for appreciating!!
#asks#t4t hythades also eating my brain#i am thinking about them all the time#i sort of got more into ffxiv in a vaccuum hole where nobody influenced me or anything i just started going#i was stuck in ARR for a while and then HW then i got into SB#then boom shb-ew gripped me by the throat now i have two dads#hythlodaeus i’d do anything for#a darling a dear a doll in the shape of a beautiful purple twink man with amazingly copious blessed hrt body hair#emet constantly drinking the dumb petty bitch juice but i still love him he’s so entertaining#they both utterly FASCINATE me they have a lot under the surface i feel#if love was a consciousness: hythlodaeus absolutely he is a conscious day to day choose to love and devote to his dear ones#even if it means messing with them a bit#but fails to see he shines just as brightly and if not more than he sees his friends do#if love was a subconscious: emet one hundred fucking perrcent and he’ll never escape the actions are louder than words allegations old man#complain all you want moron!! you love your crowd to death and insanity and to the moon (pardon me) and back#a mountain of misery grief and love on that stupidly terrible posture i could never forgive you but you’re my dad#BOTH OF YOU#ohhh i can’t wait to share and post more honestly i have a lot of love to give#they’re also giving me a lotta queer joy and euphoria so like there’s also that
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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18.10.23, wednesday
gripping to my current mental health-levels with all my might bc can feel the seasonal plummet drafting its game plan for this years’ go time lol
things done over the last couple of days:
watched all 5 seasons of What We Do in The Shadows in 2 days
some hours of coding (didn’t rly have the study timer on but it’s like maybe 5-8h)
grocery store
#i’ve completely messed my sleeping schedule which is like the number one thing that always goes#bc keeping that steady actually takes effort#like rn it’s the ’’sleeping couple hours here & there whenever i feel like it’’ which is not the best one#do not have time for this at all like better not fuck it up (@ my brain)#catch me munching on overdoses of vitamin c or d or whichever’s the one u’re supposed to get from the sun#bookblr#studyblr#booklr#aesthetic#books#study#reading#read#book#studyspo#october 2023#2023
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if twenty years ago someone told me i’d cry in relief knowing i’m getting a psychiatrist appointment within a week I’d have probably told them to not exaggerate and yet here i am counting the hours until i actually get the damned timing
btw sorry if im mia i’ll catch up asap i really can’t keep up with socials rn
#took having a breakdown in front of the parents to get the point across#but like i can’t go on like this i do stupid stuff because of anxiety and shit every other minute#everything goes half slightly wrong i cry for half an hour#i feel like a complete mess i can’t go on like this for another month#idt normal therapy cuts it anymore i just hate it i need to get my shit together#not to cry on the bus while the three year old in front of me does the commentary loudly i hit rock bottom enough thanks#anyway sorry if i’m not around or answering the tags i’m just#doing extremely poorly i hope after this i get some fucking stable brain chemistry
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I'll never be able to take the theory that Vincent is Sephiroth's real father seriously cuz I cannot stress enough how important I think it is to the plot that Vincent wanted to fuck Lucrecia and did not get to.
#once again i jest but now i have to actually talk about it#like. okay we have no proof of any actual timeline for the dirge flashbacks other than. it was at least 30 years ago#so who knows how long they were at the manor. could have been weeks before The Incident. or months. or maybe a full year! who knows#but to me a timeline of like. they fucked and like a week later vincent found The Evidence and lucercia had her little breakdown#AND THEN EXTREMELY QUICKLY SHE AGREED TO THE EXPERIMENT AND IT COULD GO ONE OF TWO WAYS#1. she knew she was pregnant and thats why she agreed to the experiment cuz there was already a usable subject#and therefore she must have fucked hojo like a week after she fucked vincent AND THATS STUPID FAST FOR THESE EVENTS#or 2. she didnt know. agreed to the experiment. fucked hojo. and therefore thought seph was hojo's and NOT vincent's#AND BY THE WAY. i dont even actually believe hojo fucked either!!! cuz theyre both scientists so why wouldnt they think IVF was the best way#okay. well.... hojo is canonically a fucked up little freak. so. he might have taken the opportunity to... get in there.#also when did ivf even start being a thing? cuz that may play a factor into this if nomura even considered that#well either way lets just unfortunately assume hojo got in there#ITS STILL AN ODDLY FAST TIMELINE#also. fuck man doesnt lucrecia have a later line in dirge where she actually says shes in love with hojo? or something along those lines#IMPLYING ITS BEEN AWHILE SINCE SHE HAD THE FALLING OUT WITH VINCENT. YOU WOULDNT FUCK THE GUY AFTER ALL THAT SHIT#AND WHILE CLAIMING TO LOVE/CURRENTLY FALLING IN LOVE WITH HOJO!!!! LIKE CMON MAN!!!! SHE SUCKS BUT SHES NOT THAT KIND OF A MESS#i dont think vincent would fuck her until they sorted out their issues anyway and that CLEARLY didnt happen.#its VITAL that that did not happen!!!!#its just. if vincent and lucrecia fucked. everything would have had to happen EXTREMELY fast within like a 2 week timespan#and im just talking about up to when vincent learns shes partaking in the experiment. it was probably another week or two until vincent died#SO. logically it must have been like#fall in love->learn about the gimoire incident->refuse to speak to vincent->get obsessed with hojo->fall in love(?)#and then thats where i think its ambiguous on did the experiment become an idea before or after seph started to exist?#like chicken or the egg ya know. experiment idea or sephiroth zygote?#that feels fucked up to say. im so fucking sorry to seph to talk about this. yeah sorry i have to debate who fucked your mom bro#god imagine telling him that. like not even as a reveal thing cuz he knows who his father is. just like as a sick joke. your mom joke.#NO OH M Y GOD I HAVE A QUESTION NOW#in accordance to him having a photo of lucrecia in ever crisis. after he reads that jenova is an ancient (incorrect btw)#does he think that picture is still her? what about when he takes jenova's body from the lab????#oh my god 30 tag limit. FUCK. i need like a rant blog for all this vincent talk now. my brain is going a mile a minute
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