#I don't usually like posting my negative thoughts here but!!! this one Hit Like a Truck and just need a safe space to talk abt it

[lovinglin]

SORRY UH, thoughts are thoughting /lh

[scummy-writes]

Things I've learned about being in fandoms on tumblr

Sometimes when I am navigating fandom, I will have bouts of... depression? negative feelings? regarding it. I think a lot of people go through this, but in the areas of fandom I buzz around in, I don't see many people talking about ways to sort of re-center yourself and take care of yourself in an online space. I thought I would attempt to share some of my habits I try to follow when I hit one of these moods. So here are 14 of them covering various subjects I run into the most. They will not work for everyone, but I do encourage you to think a bit about each point and see if it would work for you.

Feel free to add some of your own, but I am looking for positive advice that is not meant to put down others in a harmful way. I would also like to preface that I've been in fandoms for over seven years, most of them smaller rather than huge, but a lot of this advice is centered around someone just trying to enjoy the space/enjoying it as a fan creator (writing fanfics in my case). The 'you' used in this is a general usage of the word 'you'.

-> It's good to celebrate milestones, whether its how many followers you have, works you've made in a year, or similar.

However... Don't let this become a competition or reasons to compare yourself to others. We're here to have fun and to celebrate us doing so- don't put completely unneeded and unnessacary competition on it. What's the point of that competition other than to make yourself feel bad or to belittle others? This extends further to notes - no number games. none. You can be proud of the numbers you have gotten, but curb all impulses to swing that in a negative way. The second that starts happening, talk to friends. talk to someone IRL. do something that isn't staring at your notifs, immediately. Even if its listening to silly things while washing the dishes- get out of your notifs tab!!! The numbers game isn't a game you have to be a part of, ever.

-> Don't put other bloggers on pedestals.

It's fine to be a fan of someone's work, and to be excited when they post or even talk to you and you're surprised by it. However, we're all just nerds together in a fandom- maybe don't put them up on a pedestal and hold their opinions/words as gospel rather than things you agree with. There's an unhealthy disconnect there for both parties, and can lead to unhealthy habits of a bad comparison game with one party not even knowing you're comparing yourself or others to them. And I promise that no one likes being pitted against others in those.

-> separating my main blog from my fandom blog has done wonders for me.

This one is a lot more of a 'me' thing that MIGHT be helpful towards others, but it's such a nice thing to have a 'normal' space where I don't have to worry too much about fandomisms but want to be online. I want to reblog other things that are not just fandom related and I don't want people from the fandom blog bothering me for. For the longest time I wasn't very upfront with my main blog purely because I wanted that separation, but for others to block me properly I put it up more bluntly.

I also think that this is good when you want to write about some things, but are nervous. In my example, I get nervous writing about my ocs. So what did I do? Made a sideblog for one, briefly mentioned it, and I post untagged drabbles at times when trying to explore her character. It's more practice on not caring about the note amount each post gets for me, and it makes me more at ease with things not getting any notes while exploring different subjects I don't usually write about.

-> Does everyone seem horrible, or are you just not in a good mood?

This is silly and maybe redundant for some, but it's good to keep a track of IRL verses Online. If IRL is weighing you down so much that you use online as an unhealthy habit (self destructive behaviors towards things you worked hard on, lashing out at friends for things out of their control, lashing out on other bloggers for inane things, focusing your bad mood on notes or fake popularity contests...) then try and figure out the big important things: Have you eaten, slept, drank enough water through the day, or are in pain/annoyance with something offline that you're not realizing? Is it one person online making you feel like this? Have you blocked them? Have you taken healthy breaks offline to reground yourself? When i am randomly bitter about the online world, this is typically my frustrations with smth IRL leaking out, and so I do something to help process that or to breathe through it. My personal go to is getting out of the house so I can listen to music, watch silly videos while putting together a simple craft I bought, or doing chores/playing games.

-> Is the fandom full of cliques, or are you witnessing friends just talking to each other?

I get it, it fucking sucks not being involved in a friend group. You know what makes that worse? By looking at other's friend groups bitterly and making up shit in your mind to justify it. The reality is this: people will be friends with a limited number of people, and frequently talk to them because that is who they are comfortable with.

You not being in that friend group does not mean there is anything wrong with you OR them. The honest truth is that it's hard to keep up with a ton of friends at once, and so people may not respond to your messages, or they might mean to but it gets lost in their hectic IRL, or they just don't mesh with you- and all of that is normal!

And... Really... It takes work to build up a friend group. You have to get out of your comfort zone and send the first few messages. You have to embrace the fact that it's possible a friendship won't pan out. It's natural, it's normal, and doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you or the other person. After trying and naturally just talking to people in the fandom, I promise that you will find a friend group of your own.

We are all socially awkward people trying to nervously talk to each other. Yes, even the people you follow that seem like 'everyone' likes them- they are nervous too. we're all just nerds here, remember that.

-> Understand that no one is obligated to do anything.

This ranges from so many things. Here is a list as short as I can manage it to get my point across: No one is obligated to comment, read, like, or reblog any posts. Any posts. No one is obligated to scour for new creatives in the fandom spaces and reblog their work. No one is obligated to tag their posts/creative adventures to your liking. No one is obligated to follow by your DNIs and BYFs. Obligation does not exist. Even your friends are not obligated to do any of this.

It is courtesy to do these things. Blogs will do their best to be supportive by nature, and to try and at least do some of this at any given time, but it's not a requirement. It's NICE to do so and encouraged, but the second you drill it into your head that no one, not even you, are obligated to do this, it's a bit easier to breathe and accept that no, it's a bit insane and difficult to read through 50 fanfics a week and comment a paragraph on all of them while also working on your own things and trying to manage 15 conversations while working 40 hrs a week and and and---

Instead, focus that energy on friends and yourself when you can and accept your own limitations.

-> have other fandoms you enjoy where you DON'T feel pressured to do ANYTHING.

Due to my hard fixation at usually one to two games at a time, I am usually only writing for those at a time- but I need other things to enjoy where I don't feel like I need to make something to post online. I don't feel that pressure from myself, i don't feel the need to try and engage with others. Just a quiet enjoyment for me.

-> If creating is really stressing you out and making you feel worse than better, reflect on the reasons this may be.

Are you hanging out with people who are regurgitating really bad beliefs regarding creation ("shame, you only got twenty notes, that's nothing", "wow fifty notes? that flopped.", "how did this person's shitty work get 30 more notes than me?"). Are you getting anons putting you down? Is your depression convincing you what you've made is worthless? Look at some of the points in this post regarding friends, blocking, and if you're neglecting your body's needs. If that still persists, there may be some self-reflection as to why things get to you so badly. Try to journal out the reasons why until you believe you hit one that is not your depression speaking.

An example: I would freak out about notes because I had friends that would talk around or to me in the examples listed in the previous paragraph. Cutting them off, focusing on friends who focused on the joys of creating, and focusing more on what *I* wanted to write rather than requests... I still get depressed at times but it's been so much more managable now with better support and feeling free creatively. Usually calling myself out at staring at notes helps me shake my head and move on now.

-> Blocking/Filtering is your friend, but maybe don't over do it.

Blocking seems vaguely controversial at times, but I do believe it's needed for a positive fandom experience. Outside of the obvious, the reasons I block people are typically related to how upset I am by something the person has done or said, even if it's related to fancreations. If it's something like them berating others for not believing their headcanon/fanon? Or grossly demonizing some character's mental illness? Or harassing people who dislike some characters and vice/versa? That's all a block for me.

I personally try not to overdo it and make educated decisions based on like, hey, is this just someone misunderstanding and not realizing how they're coming off? Is this someone who I am misreading their tone? Is this just a weird one-off behavior? Ok, then maybe no block button. But if seeing poor takes makes you angry for longer than, say, 20 mins? an hour? It's a week later and you're still all huffy about it and legit pissed? Maybe dig into that while also blocking the person for now.

The Filters aspect of this is similar, but it's a lighter version of blocking for me. Maybe I don't want to block this person but seeing them talk about bugs really stresses me out, so I look at how they tag those posts and filter it out for myself. Maybe I love their fandom blog but they're multi-fandom, so i will filter out a fandom I don't want to see them post about. That's it.

-> Don't be afraid to cut anon off, even if it's for a few weeks at a time.

I feel like those of us who take requests for fan creations are terrified of this a lot, but truly, taking breaks from the anon function should be encouraged. It is indeed a button for shy people, but there are assholes everywhere regardless. When they occupy your time too much or just annoy you, take away their ability to actually say anything to you.

For a creative, sometimes this can feel like the end of the world. But... you Can turn it back on later. I frequently shut it off during major life events, fanfics I am worried I might get weird anons about, when I'm in a randomly bad mood and don't think I can handle it. I Sometimes have it off for months at a time. You can cut it back on. But if anons make you anxious just imagining getting one right now? Flip that off for now. (also please utilize the block function for mean anons!!!)

-> turn those tumblr notifs OFF!!! (mobile) Additional: Turn your status OFF!!!

The only notifications I get on my phone from tumblr is when someone IM's me, and I've had it like this for years. I cannot imagine having my phone constantly going off with random tumblr notifications, I think I would have a bad spike in anxiety having that happen. It would make any negative feelings with notes/followers/number worse for me.

The online status is debatable, some people really don't have an issue with this, but I tend to feel pressured to respond to people asap if they see that my status is online and similar. Those people have not said anything to me regarding it, it's just my personal issue. So..I turn that status off. And it helps me feel better about answering in my own time.

-> Look at who you are communicating with.

Do your friends regularly dunk or mock people on the daily, over shit that is inane and petty? Are you a creative a bit nervous with your work because your friends are pretty rude with how they view other's works? Are you scared to like a character because your friend severely hates them/is attached to them to an unhealthy degree?

There are other subsets to this, but those are ones I find really troubling and try my best to avoid. I dont want to be friends with people who regularly mock others on the legit daily. I don't want to be friends with people who nitpick notes and use notes as a measure on how much worth someone has. I don't want to be friends with people who mock other's creative endeavors.

So... I don't! If I notice things are becoming a salt pit, I try to talk things out at first, but if its clear that's not gonna work, then it's outties for me. It's very true that everyone will salt over something eventually, but it's up to you to decide how severe it is with your friend circle, how it wears you down, and are they really people you want to hang around with if they just make you anxious or stressed all the time?

-> That vaguepost isn't about you.

Friend venting about someone who sounds oddly like you? Does your favorite blog mention something they dislike and you think you fit into that catagory- guess what. It's not about you!!

It's something I struggled with for a while, but eventually I came to terms with it by going "If they truly have an issue with me, they can talk to me one on one. Otherwise, i am assuming that this isn't about me" and gritting my teeth and forcing myself to repeat that until I feel at ease. Truthfully, I also just stopped hanging out with people who do this a ton in a harmful way, so my anxiety about this decreased. If it's an issue, friends should be willing to bring it up to you personally rather than make really meanspirited vagueposts.

-> A personal one I am putting at the end since I believe can easily turn bad, is... Stop looking in the fandom tags if they continiously bum you out.

I will be transparent, I've had bouts of running into a ton of 'why you should love/hate this character' posts over and over, posts that are random but use 50 different character tags, posts about how annoying my fave is, posts from/about bloggers I dislike, etc etc. After a while, I decided to just curate my feed via whoever I was following, and stop looking into tags as often. At most, I do it once every 1-3 months.

Yes, this does limit what all you can see, however... There's only so much information I can take in at once. If I follow people who reblog a ton of fandom content I love and it's different across the board, that's good enough for me and I don't feel negative looking at the tags sometimes.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

hey, steph! how are you, like, genuinely? not the small talk. i wanna listen

Hey Lovely 💜🖤

I want to apologize for putting this off for so long... which should be a clue as to how I am actually doing.

Honestly? Not good, but I'm trying my best. It's been... a time. Will put under a cut for those who don't want to read about the tagged items.

TL;DR – my real life is a bit chaotic, and I hide a lot from y'all because I REALLY try not to be negative here since my blog is where I come to be happy AND because I am a very private person, but I try my best to just keep going day to day as the chaos settles down slowly.

I've got some good things coming though, so I hope a week's rest next week when I'm off (and will probably take a break from here too) will reset my brain.

Work has been insane, and is most of the cause of my mental distress for the past few months. From Easter until Canada Day Weekend at my job is lovingly referred to as "Silly Season" simply because of how on-the-fly, balls-to-the-wall our workload is until summertime downtime officially begins for us. Without disclosing too much, it's basically non-stop, long hours for me until one of the 3 break weeks we get during the this long stretch happens where, incidentally because of the nature of my job and the team I work on, it actually gets BUSIER for us.

It actually ended earlier than we expected this year (yesterday) and we'll be "quieter" until the end of September now. See an opportunity, I actually took next week off between the two long weekends because my mental health has taken a severe hit and I'm having trouble just... enjoying things? I'm haven't gamed or drew in a few weeks, and blogging and writing feels like a chore. I literally just come home, file this blog, reply to one or two asks, and then go to bed, and do it all over again the next day. Day in and day out, for 3 months. On weekends I have to force myself out of my apartment because I KNOW I will sink lower if I don't leave.

On top of that, my brain has convinced me that literally everyone hates me: friends, coworkers, family, you guys, my damned plants. I just feel very alone these days and... I'll be real here, I've almost abandoned this blog a few times in the past few months. I feel like I make fic lists that no one reblogs or likes and tell me they're all shit. I post my art and I barely break 20 notes. I write something and I get maybe 2 likes. I can't really answer any thoughtful asks because my mental state's been in the shitter for months. I desperately want to reply to the few sexuality asks I have and I physically can't. Being on my computer – after working ON a computer for my day job for 12 hour days everyday – feels like too much, so I try to limit my time on the blog now too.

I just try to keep carrying on, encouraged by the once-in-a-blue-moon testimonial ask I get thanking me for still being here. I thank YOU guys for reminding me that people still like coming here.

Stressed about money and food and rent just like everyone else, and just getting frustrated at other things.

And finally, my uncle (my dad's brother and my godfather) hasn't been doing well health-wise, and he's being moved to assisted living next week. His health has been declining since Easter, so it's been a bit of worrying time for relatives.

Having my therapist helps a lot. She talks me through a lot of my complicated feelings, my sense of self and ways to cope with my anxiety and stress. I'm talking to her again next week, so no worries, gang. As I said, I just keep on keeping on.

Some positivity though:

I booked next week off to try to just... recenter myself. To forget about everything and TRY to get back to doing the things I love. I will probably take a break from this blog as well during that time to limit my social-media time. It's not ideal but I need a break from my computer, I think.

I go to the gym a lot more these days, which has helped with the seething annoyance I constantly have at work. Usually feel better after it.

And because of the gym and getting out more, I've been slowly feeling better physically, better than I have since before 2019. The break from work is for the mental health, LOL.

I'm getting my hair recoloured next week. Can't afford it, really, but I just REALLY need to feel better about myself again, and I always feel so different when I colour my hair. I was doing so good for awhile. I want that again.

Anyway, I'm sorry to bombard y'all with my complicated mess of a brain. I really do appreciate you asking, so THANK YOU. I rarely get asked in real life if I am okay because I keep very private due to past people betraying my trust. And I don't like seeing people unhappy, so I feel if I tell people about my problems, then I feel I am a burden, so I just... continue existing.

Thank you for letting me be a burden just this once.

[pipsqueakparker]

the third act break up

helluva boss isn't a romance but it also kind of is, and if we're considering romance genre tropes/structure, we're mid-third act break up right now.... which is one of my least favorite tropes BUT in this case, it's being played well and the writers are using it to genuinely deepen/further blitz's character

just in comparison, i'm almost finished reading this book that lowkey highkey sucks - i'm not gonna name it, i don't like shitting directly on a book usually, but it's the 3rd in a series of romance books & in it we ofc have the third act break up done in a bad way. (pls don't take this as me shitting on the romance genre at all, i adore romance books, i even liked this author's first book)

1, the stakes: the stakes for blitz & stolas (relationship-wise) are like kinda mundane really but feel so fucking high because we see how genuinely they feel for each other and we've watched that change over the course of the show - especially here in season 2. when it comes to stakes, they don't have to literally be life or death, they just have to feel that way to the characters and then by extension to us.

"when i see him tonight" gave us the stakes, that song alone solidified how much this relationship means to both of them. "i'll fucking die alone if this goes bad" - yes, thank you stolas, i feel that.

in comparison, in this book, the stakes are shaky. the mc is a woman who's never felt good enough to be loved & doesn't want a traditional relationship that ends in marriage and children & the love interest is an actor with big dreams that gets an offer to do a show across the country. we're being told they're high, but it's not really being SHOWN. i don't feel it, i don't feel like these characters will really fucking die if one of them moves across the country for six months, y'know?

2, the miscommunication/lack of communication: another trope i hate is miscommunication/lack of communication - unless it makes sense.

in the book, love interest never tells mc about the job offer - but for why? it gets blamed on her anxiety disorder, which i also took issue with the portrayal of that, but it never digs deeper into why she really feels like telling mc about the job offer could negatively impact their relationship. (it's still new, it might make the mc feel pre-abandoned, etc. etc there are so many ways this COULD have been something to not mention, but instead.... she just didn't)

blitz & stolas? they literally just can't sit down and have a calm chat, and that makes fucking sense for them as characters. @rusty-lustful-fireflies made this post comparing their trauma responses that i thought was brilliant -def check it out, and in the meantime i'll summarize it like this: blitz lashes out and stolas folds in. their conversation in full moon is one of the best examples of a misunderstanding between two characters i've seen, they are both taking each other's words the wrong way, but it makes sense as to why they're doing that. when stolas asks for the grimoire back, blitz immediately jumps to abandonment, he's lost everyone in his life and he has this one really really good thing going with stolas that he doesn't want to change and bam. it's changing. he's angry. he's going to say it.

stolas... could have worded things better, i understand why that was blitz's first thought, but stolas was trying to make it this grand gesture and it just wasn't hitting your audience, sweetie. blitz wasn't made for grand romantic gestures, he's a ball of trauma. and he acts accordingly. and stolas, in response, realizes "i've buffed it", is probably triggered from getting yelled at considering HIS own trauma.... i could deep dive their conversations at the end of FM and the beginning of AT, but we've all analyzed those to death. we get it. the point is... it made sense. neither of them were technically in the right or the wrong, it was just genuinely not being able to effectively communicate because they were both heightened and thus... we get the third act break up that's not really a break up. which brings me to...

3, the aftermath/development: yes, the third act breakup is meant to be the thing that pushes our characters to actually fix something within themselves... and we're still mid break up, but with ghostfuckers, i think we can see that being done. one thing specifically stood out to me as evidence that this is something more significant to blitz than any usual fight or breakup.

this post from @timkontheunsure was the first one i saw discussing this part, and i've gotta say i agree wholeheartedly with it & i think this is the beginnings of genuine development for blitz. to summarize in my own words (but def go read their post too):

blitz isn't just fucked up on the idea of being/dying alone anymore, when he was fucked up on that he just went to find someone else to fuck and forget it. no, now blitz is fucked up on not having stolas specifically, and it's much deeper, to the point that he's beyond just fucking someone else to forget it. no one else could do it. he's gotta turn to the ghosts. it's the difference in coping that we're shown that makes this moment different, and this moment being different, in addition to blitz finally admitting verbally that he's fucked up over stolas in that last moment with millie, that leads me to believe we're going to get genuine character growth over the next two episodes.

and this was what made me start thinking and typing up this post, because i'm nearing the end of this book, we're mid third act breakup, and this mc is similar to blitz in her desires to have a relationship but not the way everyone expects her to have one, and in her favorite method of coping: fucking someone else until she's not sad anymore. this is how she meets the love interest, and she tries to use it again mid-book when she & love interest are fake dating and she's sad that they're not real dating - and, then, we get the break up, love interest is gone.... and she turns right back to "i gotta find someone else to fuck to get over it".... and normally i probably wouldn't have thought twice, but this time i did. because we got that fucking beautiful example of the difference between coping with being lonely & coping with being without the person you love in ghostfuckers yesterday and it was SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS FUCKING BOOK.

anyway, this is my dissertation on how this animated demon show that's not technically a romance just took a romance trope & is really doing it so much better than the literal romance book i'm reading right now.

hope you liked it. thank you for your time!

[sludgekludge]

What are your thoughts on the sins individually, if you don't mind me asking?

i think viv is really really scared to have her blorbos embody really negative traits so i think half of the sins we've been properly introduced to do a dogshit job at actually embodying the sin they represent because of this lol. why do half of them not suck more as people. why don't they embody their sins, viv.

this ended up being kinda longer than i meant so im dumping it under a read more vv

bephelgor's only my icon because i'm also sleepytired and want to go to bed. her design is endearing to me, but still a mess, and if she's meant to be inspired by baphomet, it kinda sucks she's not more androgynous, imo, at least give her a little goat beard. not much to say because she was more of a decorative vase than a character. fascinating how we see the remaining women sins and neither of them speak!

leviathan. sorry this is a bit meaner than i usually try to be. i hate her design so bad. i don't know what people like about it. you can like it obviously. but god. i could go on a tangent here about it but i won't. her design makes me chew foil. super cool that they gave her more screentime though and instead of talking, she gets to sit there silently while being hit on by a man instead. fascinating how-

asmodeus bores me, all of the haha sex jokes in this show are so obnoxious so whenever they bring up that he's the Sex One my eyes roll outta my head. his design is…not at all my cup of tea but i won't say it's atrocious. the palette is unique, at least, by hellaverse standards. i liked him in his first appearance but he's since been declawed and now he's a weally nice guy actually who's all about consent and his wholesome chungus monogomous relationship, which is so fucking lame. could make a bigger post about him honestly. him and fizz are a couple of the saddest victims to 'super scared to write her blorbos being genuinely nasty' thing imo

mammon endeared me initially, but his mastermind appearance sucks. i like his design for the most part (centipede. why centipede. make him a funnelweb) and the fact he's clearly a silly guy on purpose. dresses like a jester by choice. he's evil, AND silly, that's fun. while he's a bit dense in his initial appearance, he's clever enough to know exactly how to manipulate fizz emotionally, and then in mastermind he's this big lumbering dumbass fat fuck who eats sloppily and he's gross and yucky and stupid ewww!! what a cool way to write your like, 1 recurring fat character vivzienne popsicle. lets make a joke specifically about how he has a big stomach. very cool his asexuality was clearly tacked on last-minute and he's clearly not written with that in mind, also kind of weird to canonise him as such when you're writing him to be this undesirable gross slob. i like him in theory, but he also says a lot about how viv views fat/asexual people and it's kind of soured me to him a little. shame. could go more into him, but i'll stop here.

we can't make beezlebub fat though, that's fatphobic! that's why she's thin! ik her design was a whole debacle and i don't care for it but i think it's blown a bit out of proportion. she's just another vivziepop design, i dont think she's uniquely terrible, maybe aside from being a bad rep of gluttony, but i saw more people talking about the bee thing than that. i do think it was kind of a huge mistake to make her so indistinguishable from hellhounds, biggest problem with her design imo. it's clear they wrote her to be deliberately really cool and likeable because she's Kesha, though. she's a typical nice popular party girl. i watched lps series with characters exactly like her when i was 12. sin of gluttony, don't overindulge though bro look after yourself :(

satan is inoffensive. i find him/his design to be kind of generic? but not overtly terrible. big dragon just feels a bit boring to me to who is apparently the penultimate sin, bar lucifer. admittedly, i kind of like the bit that he's got this little guy he listens too. big sucker for silly dynamics like that when they're played straight. wish i knew why the lil guy's robe kept changing colours, though. he's kinda wishy-washy and generic. don't get why any of the sins are intimidated by him when he gives stolas a slap on the wrist that stolas doesn't even have to grovel for, purely for being royalty lol. what's he gonna do to the sins if they step out of line? wag a finger at them? the whole 'he's lying about ruling before lucifer' thing was dumb and should've been caught before the episode went out.

lucifer i have enough to say about that it could probably also be its own post but to keep it short...ish, i think he's kind of inconsistent and weirdly written. they're really scared to write him as genuinely morally dubious and that's lame. they blended like 4 sexyman archetypes into 1 for him. he's so clearly y/n bait that it makes my eyes roll into the back of my skull…characters should get their y/n fiction naturally god dammit stop manufacturing sexymen in the lab!!! his design annoys me but i guess the whole 'pretty porcelain doll' thing makes sense and since he's a fallen angel, corrupted purity or something, wears symbols of himself (apples/snake) all over so Pride, like FINE, i get it, i still flick peanut shells at him though. thin ice. bitch

basically my favourite is like almost mammon i think but he's got weird uncomfortable connotations so i guess it's bephelgor because she doesn't exist enough to do anything to annoy me yet

[suohenki]

on my second playthrough of veilguard (for some reason). this is the insane person's ramblings about lore/writing unlike my last post

this is the first time i've been so utterly bored of a second playthrough. never has an rpg given me this feeling.

like there are no quests i look forward to tbh, every main quest is a long combat sequence. even inquisition had the orlesian ball that you had to resolve with some actual noncombat solutions. (get behind me inquisition i will defend you from the fandom)

made a qunari this time to see if it affects anything, no, really doesn't. there's barely any qunari dialogue options.

picked the crows origin, it is truly astonishing the way they treat them in this game. they seem completely shy about the crows being contract killers? it's not even that they don't talk about the things Zevran talks about, but they fully try to ignore the murder part. Mfrs are freedom fighters now apparently.

and the "twist" villains in the crows storyline are so comically obvious i hoped they were both red herrings. the butcher is so underdeveloped too. the way the illario/blood magic twist is written is confusing, rook sees it all with his damn eyes and then never says a word about it. Yes i think illario is the bad guy here, Rook, i know you heard the "amatus". What. (swear to god the dark brotherhood is more deep than this. i never thought i'd say TES has better writing than DA.)

By the end they never address the fucked up things the crows do, outside of Rook's one throwaway line of "yeah my training was hell lmao." Is it just Aranai that's fucked or what kind of hellish training are we talking about? Rook also mentions having been an orphan... so the crows are as usual but we just won't talk about it. The lore and characters have never been this confusing and woobified. The positivity of Rook rly feels off when they are a trained assassin... no one reacts negatively to it, everyone even goes "Omg lucanis is a killer. Oh, not you Rook, you're better :)" no i don't think he is? Both killers.

Similarly they are so scared of the (elven) slavery in Tevinter. If you hadn't played the previous games you'd be forgiven for thinking Tevinter had no slavery because you missed the 3 sentences that mention it. We are in the slavery capital of Thedas and we are being shy about it. I guess Dorian's and Fenris's stories are too "problematic"... It's frankly gross how they brush it off after how serious it was in previous games. Also crazy how religion never comes up. In the country of the "black divine", you'd think Harding would have something to say at least. It really only now hit me how hard they avoided bringing up non-elven religion when it's been such a big part of the lore...

Neve's storyline just begs to be about the actual known issues of Tevinter instead of whatever it was about, all of it went from one ear, out the other. To me, her and Lucanis are the weakest companions on replay. Neve's voice acting is so strange and flat it's really difficult for me to be endeared by her. (this is coming from a cassandra pentaghast enjoyer)

Even if I think Harding's scenes could be better at least i get what she is about. Tho all the titan stuff feels like it's not treated with the gravity it should be. I do like Taash and Bellara, i just wish Taash wasn't written so immaturely. i never found Sera immature in this way, she's abrasive and yes, "immature" with the pranks etc., but Taash is written like a stereotypical teen, Sera just felt like a weirdo adult. And you can tell Alistair to suck it up lmao, it's really not even comparable. And the Isabela scene with the push-ups.... talk about making it all about yourself. Taash should have just been nonbinary from the start if they were going to make the representation this awkward.

I wish Bellara's quest had more drama. You don't get to save her brother but you also have no scene where, for example, Bellara endangers Rook or lets Anaris escape because she is actually conflicted about her brother... Rook and her just kinda let them go. Bellara is okay with killing her brother with barely any convincing lol.

Emmrich and Davrin are still my favorites, I think Davrin just works, and i like that we get to see more of his background. He's not terribly ~deep~ but he doesn't have to be, saving the griffons is an understandable goal, one that would be devastating to fail. Just a charismatic man that has things he cares about with conviction.

Emmrich is an interesting portrayal of necromancy which is something i'm always receptive to, i'd play a DA game set entirely in Nevarra. His quest has wild tonal shifts but at least the set dressing kept me interested. I do wish we didn't decide for him if he became a lich tho.

I wish with all the companions the way it worked was they decide based on previous dialogues. If you keep encouraging emmrich to pursue lichdom and face his fear then he does, if not, the opposite happens. i'm just not a fan of the "here's the moment where rook decides another person's fate!!!" like why am i deciding. it's their life.

i romanced Lucanis this time to try to see why people like him so much but man, i just think his whole story is a mess. they love to imply all the trauma Lucanis has but don't truly convey any of it. you don't even talk about being a crow with Lucanis like you talk about being a watcher with Emmrich. I guess it's my bad for expecting an assassin that has been tortured and forced into an abomination to be more of an interesting character.

i'm gonna need to know more about a companion than he has trauma, he likes coffee and he cooks, to be invested. The coffee thing feels like flanderization before i even know the man, put the damn cup down. First time i felt this disconnected with a romance.

i felt like they really squandered Spite too. You'd think a demon possessing a companion would cause more trouble than 1 escape attempt. Lucanis missing the first stab attempt barely registers as Spite's fault. Spite doesn't get any sort of pay off or drama.

I could forgive a lot more if the writing was better but the bad writing stands out so much more on a second playthrough. The basic dialogue, the spoon-feeding of info, the marvel-quips, the uninteresting side quests. Can't believe that i had to find out from fucking tumblr that the time Rook spent in the fade was WEEKS, you'd think that would be an impactful detail. Legit thought they got him out in a day lmao. Explains the dagger coming out of nowhere.

They try so hard to make the team cute and wholesome, it cemented my dislike of the found family trope. It comes across as so unearned. The game is like half competent writing, half DA fanfiction. Everything to do with Solas is okay. But everything else is so off. At least they managed to make Solas a love-to-hate type character for those like me who did not care about him in DA:I. The reason i'm not talking too much about the overall plot is it was okay, i just don't care that much about the evanuris. weird choice to try to blame it all on the elves tho. Like i love you but stfu Bellara, you do not have to take on the sins of the father. Have the elves not been through enough?

[nanabansama]

Ao Oni, Aka Oni

Hey guys! Since AidaIro just graced us with art to celebrate Setsubun, I wanted to take the time to examine the meaning behind the masks the characters are wearing. This'll be quick and informal, but I hope some of you get a kick out of it, like I did.

The men here are participating in a bean throwing contest. If you don't know, Setsubun is about throwing beans at oni/ogres to drive them away. Doing this can free you of your negative desires and emotions. Of course, since most people can't find an oni or ogre to throw beans at, they usually settle for throwing them at someone in an oni mask instead. (Sort of feels redundant for Hakubo, hm? Hehe.)

However, I must say, this is my first time seeing a showdown like this...but boys will be boys, am I right?

You may notice that the blue mask team currently outnumbers the red one, but don't worry! It seems our other red team participant is just having second thoughts...

Now let's turn our attention to the masks. I'll go over the girls first since I have the least to say.

These masks are called "Okame" or "Otafuku." They depict a happy, fat-faced woman in bright white makeup. It symbolizes happiness and good fortune. You'll see it at a lot of Japanese festivals, including Tanabata. Just looking at it brings a smile to your face, right? Right!? (I hope so!)

Next we have the red and blue oni masks! Setsubun being a holiday about driving away ogres, and all, these fit more with the overall Setsubun theme. It's said that, depending on the color of ogre you hit with a bean, something good will happen to you.

In the case of a red ogre, your evil thoughts (such as desire, lust, and greed) will be dispelled.

In the case of a blue ogre, you will rid yourself of anger and become happy.

I must say...Tsukasa and Natsuhiko representing anger while Hanako and Hakubo represent desire is pretty on the nose!

But that's not all. There's one last tale I wanted to share, one that centers upon a crybaby red oni and his little blue friend...

Naita Akaoni (The Red Oni Who Cried) is a piece of children's literature that dates back to the 1930s. It tells the tale of a red oni who wanted to befriend humans, but when the humans refused to play with him, he grew depressed. Seeing this, his friend, a blue oni, suggested a plan: the blue oni would attack the human village and let the red oni defeat him so that he could win the favor of the locals.

Although the red oni wasn't sure about the plan and felt bad about making his friend do all that for him, the blue oni was adamant to see it through. And when they reached the village and put the plan into action, it went off without a hitch. By defeating the blue oni the red oni finally got to befriend the humans.

But while the red oni finally got what he desired, something bothered him. His friend, the blue oni, hadn't come to see him once since the day of their plan. When the red oni went to the blue oni's house to find out what was wrong, he found a note on the door. It read:

The red ogre silently reread the note once, twice, three more times, then began to cry...

The end! ����😢

What a sad story, right? While I can't say whether AidaIro considered this story when assigning masks to the characters, the blue ogre's selflessness certainly reminds me of Tsukasa, like when he sacrificed his life for Amane's. And we all know Amane is a crybaby!

Thank you for reading! And I urge you to read more about Setsubun if the holiday interests you. I'm sure there's more you could learn about it than just this post that will give you a greater appreciation for AidaIro's drawing. Have a nice day, everyone!

[dark-overlord-of-rainbows]

Drawn Aug 26 2024 If this weren't so long I'd add their personalities here but since it is and I ended up writing it down here anyway I'll just let you read it on the old art. Put off posting this one for a while Since I've only gotten the chance to figure out what they look like once and I did not put any thought into the colours their designs were.. pretty bad tbh. The very first of mine is always gonna have it's issues and I've got other bad first drafts that I haven't posted... but I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, it was pretty egregious. I did want to work on my outfit design as well though, so I put a bit more thought into the details, and used reference for the clothes again* (I had to put belts on my arm to figure out how the wrinkles on Suchai's shirt would work lol) *used to do this more when learning how to draw clothes at first, but I haven't done it in a while and there's a lot of details I didn't really understand still Bunch of other doodles and such too Anyway, design/character notes:

I've mentioned before but Suchai is 4'9"/145cm, and 5'0"/152cm with heels. Pitchaya is 5'5"//165cm

The little bird is back! I've only drawn them once and they still need a name but they're a strawberry finch (or red avadavat, red munia) that can shapeshift. Usually taking the form of clothes/tools when not just a bird I didn't like the old green and a lot of characters I have use similar palettes anyway so I should try to move away from those... but I wasn't gonna change their hair or Pitchaya's eyes so I moved to red/blue/yellow ig. Kitty ended up getting a lot of the yellow that only accents these two, I don't exactly know what another character- Kristian will get yet (I have some ideas though) I haven't said outright 'til now but Pitchaya is a trans boy. His binder has always been visible in his design. Suchai on the otherhand is cis, however: 1. he's sometimes assumed to also be trans and/or gets mistaken as way younger than he is and/or misgendered too 2. honestly both the brothers kinda just. forget he's cis sometimes. Sign of a good ally..? Also a detail from the beginning but Pitchaya's eyes are two colours, although it kinda looks like it could be just shadow. I tried pulling in the dark blue/black instead of using the ink colour to try to make it more obvious but of course it didn't change anything I don't know why I thought it would lol. I've just been drawing it the same way I did before Since Suchai's pants became black I had to change the colour of his gloves and shoes, but he has an alt outfit I haven't drawn of the blacks and browns swapped. Similar situation with his heels turning red here, and will get black heels too. Pitchaya would have a lot more outfits than Suchai. Partially personality reasons, but also it's because it's harder/more expensive getting good quality clothes in Suchai's size (but you know what? at least it exists) Speaking of pants, Suchai's dress pants are scuffed at the knees because he's clumsy as hell. I considered making his horns and mask scuffed as well since he faceplants a lot, but I didn't end up doing it here. Pitchaya's got skinny jeans now, it makes his shoulders and hair look bigger & draw a bit more attention up there I think, though I might need to edit the colours of his pants and shoes further at some point Dress shoes fit with Suchai's new outfit and the vibe I was going for with him but also I needed a pair of shoes for him when he's not in those heels. In universe he needed non-heels because he always yells at Pitchaya for not taking care of his health and he will not be a damn hypocrite in front of that kid! Pitchaya hates sleeves, he will rip them off any clothes or refuse to wear things with sleeves... which is all fine 'til the temperatures hit the negatives* Suchai wears exclusively long sleeves, and in general usually just covers up. He's technically doing better in the summer than Pitchaya in winter, but the man is dramatic. *in celsius I mean, under 32f for the americans…. I'm from Canada though, so I am well acquainted with what would be negatives in farenheit too lmao. I don't know and don't care what the actual extremes are for these characters' weather

[katboykirby]

That satan + princely mc has been living in my mind rent-free since you posted it. One concept I really love is it being a gradual thing rather than immediate grand gestures. A held door here, helping him carry his books there, subtly walking on the part of the sidewalk closer to the road when walking back from RAD together, whatever. So at first Satan doesn't even really notice. Until one day he's reading some romance novel or more realistically a bodice ripper tbh and suddenly windows bluescreens when he realizes he's imagining MC as the knight in shining armour rather than the other way around and when did that happen??

Oh, yeah, 100% you're right. In fact, I don't believe that MC would be likely to even initiate these kinds of gestures at all in the beginning.

You're still so brand new to the Devildom, see, and you're very aware of your current position - one lone human, among Hell's most powerful devils. You're not naive enough to act as if you're invulnerable, so for the first few days and weeks you take care not to draw any negative attention to yourself. You aren't cold, of course, and you still act politely to your new housemates, as that's just what comes naturally to you.

Once more time has passed and you've grown more used to things, and once you've gotten to know your demon friends a little better, that's when you start to feel a bit more comfortable. You no longer fear for your life at every turn, and the brothers aren't as intimidating or mean as they once were. Once you've been in the Devildom for a while, that's when more of your genuine personality would start to shine through.

Satan had respected you fairly enough so far, even if he wasn't as outwardly friendly with you as some of his brothers. He usually keeps himself neutral about a person until they prove themselves to be worth his time or not. And he appreciated how you didn't constantly make a fuss over nothing or cause trouble all the time, like Mammon or Levi often would. He also took note of the way you held yourself with dignity, despite being a lamb amongst wolves. He considered you respectable enough, particularly for a human.

But of course, the longer you lived together under the same roof and the more you became used to one another, the closer you became - especially after that whole debacle with the cursed tome, and after you helped him get his own body back.

He doesn't even notice the little things, at first. And he's a bit embarrassed that it took him this long to see the real you.

It was around the time that he made a pact with you that he started to notice the aspects of your personality that you'd kept hidden before. You started opening doors for him, started pulling out his chair for him, started greeting him in the mornings with a slight bow of your head. Satan liked this side of you, and he was grateful that you liked him enough in return to allow him to see it.

He enjoyed the way you would walk at his side whenever you were both on your way to or from RAD, almost like you were the one escorting him. Eventually you started to offer him your arm whenever you both were out together, and he'd simply be rude not to take it!

It didn't really hit him until the first time you kissed the back of his hand to bid him goodnight, your lips so soft and tender on his skin. It had him up till practically morningtime, tossing and turning in his bed while plagued by thoughts of you.

It all falls into place one afternoon while he casually peruses a few books from the library. It's when he's in the middle of reading a classic Devildom fantasy story that it sort of finally clicks for him - your behaviour was so welcome, so comforting, so familiar to him, because he recognised many of your gestures from his romance stories. He realised that he had been picturing you in the position of the charming prince, rather than the other way around!

Naturally this flusters him, and Satan quickly snaps the book in his hands tightly shut.

Oh, no...oh, no...

You're his Prince Charming, you're his Knight in Shining Armour -

And as much as he blushes at this fact, Satan has to admit to himself that he likes it. Really, he couldn't imagine you any other way ♡

[rin-and-jade]

I'm Definitely Faking: A Post about Self Doubt

Alright, i get it. Many people had done things like these but it won't stop me from taking this topic deeper than anyone had done (as i ever read them too) so, for any of you who are interested, or attempt to find a dedicated answer/discussion around this topic, please and PLEASE read it, you will not regret this.

I'm very sure most of you are doing your usual routine, until a thought strike at you fast as lightning, "wait, what if i'm just faking __", or if you knew something you "shouldn't" (say, being a system) then it makes you spiral down the rabbit hole, right? And it is not beautiful, it's extremely taxing both emotionally and mentally. Nobody wants to lie accidentally to people, what if we're actually fine? How would you know? Are you tricking people to get the attention you never received as a child?? How would you actually know?? And etc. I will tell you how. It will stop those doubts for good.

Where it all started..

First of all, anything can be the starting point to where it all goes down. But, generally speaking i think it stems from how people think of what being a system is like, and i mean it in a personal view. Too rare to have one? Probably faking, Good communication? Faking, aware of other presence of parts? I'm faking, can't switch? Faking again, darn it. You get the idea here, right?

About that crippling doubt of mine..

Why would someone panic when they think they’re faking, when real fakers never gave a fuck? The problem is not on the disorder but more on the lack of proof for certainty,, and because you start to doubt from it, you then think you’re actually faking. I have a few to say about how it attacks, so bare with me:

Tendency to think on extremes When you start to think that having something means needing to suffer for like every single second.. that one minute period of ease and relieve will be the bullet in the gun to trigger a thought of "faking". Getting a better view that, for example how depression means you can laugh or feel good from a comfort show, does not mean you don't have depression due to that particular moment.

Focusing on the wrong dot What if i tell you, that you might be looking at the wrong side? Be it only looking at one side of the coin (biased towards looking for clues to prove yourself wrong, e.g. alters are not distinguishable from each other, and so it means you're not a system) or focusing too much about how other's experience is like and if you don't relate then you're not real, or maybe you have your own assumptions/expectations about how the disorder should look like and when it doesn't meet the criteria.. well.. you know what to say.

"I feel like.." When emotions hits to the roof, logic gets thrown out from the house. Tell me who can think well in stressful moments,, the answer is no one, some can appear more collected or have a higher tolerance before they can panic but you get the point. We all have feelings at the end of the day, no one is unfeeling and no one can escape from it,, i'm not saying you have neglect it, more like i want you to be aware when those said emotions are controlling (more like affecting) your thoughts. Too much of it can throw off the balance in rationality, easier to dismiss proof, and worser decision making. So, if you feel overwhelmed,, make a quick choice on calming yourself down, it will be easier to challenge the worries and negative thoughts once you are aware and actively practicing.

This isn't my first time..

You guessed it. Sometimes one assurance won't do the trick anymore after a few weeks, it comes back with more and more bullets to shoot you down, who says the bullets are gone when someone makes a post about people that their experience is valid? You have to work on yourself, because one day, you will doubt about something people never post and you are alone,, dealing with all the murky thoughts will be less harder, if you follow these tips:

Everyone is different, the disorder never look static and same for everyone. Having a different struggle or way of functioning never equates to being a fraud. Tell yourself that.

Focusing on evidence, not on what you don't experience or have, being a green apple does not make you a pear,, you are still an apple because of its shape and taste and overall appearance. Not just because you're green, it invalidates every other evidence of what counts as an apple.

Throw away all those unhelpful confirmations, you don't need to constantly check wether your other parts are real, you don't need to know having a blackout means you're still not faking, you don't need anything related to this? Because we are going to heal and learn, confirming becomes obsolete,, as things will change, clinging onto an image on how you should be or live like will do no good. Seeking constant assurance does more harm.

Never downplay your own experiences. Easier said than done but i know someone will say right on my face that being beaten up regularly by a father is not that bad to develop trauma or a system (for example) while it darn is. If things are downplayed more often and to many aspects, you will be more prone to thinking that you're "faking". Due to the nature that developing this disorder requires severe and ongoing trauma, and guess what,, trauma comes in all forms.

With this, it will be much easier to accept you have a disorder,, and accept that it's not all black and white, actually this can be applied with anything, but my point is that. Practice more compassion for yourself, by understanding and being aware,, and not resorting to self negativity or elses, this will not be a major problem for you ever again. Also noting that yes its alright to relapse and question everything again, but this time you fight back,, you hear me soldier?

Do you copy that, *walkie-talkie sound*

- j

[bloodpen-to-paper]

Heya, I don't plan to talk about it much but due to what happened with forever, who was my fav and really the heart of the project for me, I'm probably not going to post about Qsmp much anymore. Or if I do, it'll take a while. But please read if you're in the same boat as me, its kind of a ramble and you can skip certain parts but I'd like to hear your thoughts. The last couple of paragraphs touch on some stuff that I hope can help be worth your while, whether you're here for the Qsmp stuff or the mental health part.

Now this is absolutely not to say the rest of the project doesn't matter or that people should give up on it. The Qsmp is incredible and should be known for what it has achieved: breaking language barriers and uniting communities. Its wonderful, unique, and still has so much to offer in terms of content creation, so please don't let the whole of it be tarnished for what happened with one creator (we've seen that before already and it sucks). Personally, it got me back into streaming content/mcyt and I'd like to stay more present this time, its so much fun and its nice knowing I can sort of drift back and forth when new things pop up. If you're in the same boat, I encourage you to not feel like its all over immediately if you still feel a passion for this kind of work, maybe you won't get back into it but maybe you just need a bit of time. Whatever you feel, as long as you're happy and having fun you're doing it right.

So, personal feelings (which I suck at but its better than bottling my thoughts and I encourage others to do the same). I'm fucking devastated lmao. His character was my absolute hyperfixation, I'm talking 24/7 brainrot for months. I haven't felt this passionate for a character since dsmp, I honestly didn't know I could still do it. But there's another layer. I live in the U.S., and I'm Brasilian-American. In the U.S., you don't hear anyone saying shit about Brasil. You hear a lot about Mexico, but nothing really south of that, and if you do its usually about sexualizing Brasilian women or narcotics and gang stuff. Not the best representation for little me, admittedly. When you-know-who won the Qsmp Election, y'all I felt something in me spark to life that I hadn't felt since we won the Olympic soccer tournament in Rio in 2016. I'm proud to be Brasilian, I've always been proud of it, but its a pride that's been limited to sports and my own personal experiences. To see myself represented, to see Brasil naturally enter the conversation for a piece of media I loved that I didn't know would have us, and to see us win something, phew, shit got me higher than my wisdom tooth removal. We Brasilians banded together to secure the win, and what's more, my fav cc on the project was the one at the center. I felt so happy, for my country, my community, and for myself. And I know recent events might taint that memory for some of us, but I refuse to look back on my feelings from back then negatively. That was one of the best damn moments in my chronically online life, and I will always remember it with pride and joy, along with the many other moments when this wonderful server made me proud to be me.

So, naturally, when the news hit I was pretty fucked up over it. Still am tbh, but better now that I've had sleep (though it took me a while to fall asleep because of course my sleep gets ruined by bad feelings, bleh). All this to ultimately say it sucks. Like, it really fucking sucks. The anxiety, the disappointment, the sadness, and the uncertainty of "what now?". Might be sounding dramatic but again, 24/7 brainrot/serotonin supply for months that connected me to my culture abruptly cut off because of pedophile allegations. C'mon Satan, I already have to go to therapy, you didn't have to kick this horse while it was down. Joking aside, if you feel as absolute dogshit as I do and have that kind of anxiety where the world feels like its about to end because moments like these leave you with the rug pulled out from under you and the uncertainty leaves you not knowing what to do with your life after this... well, welcome to the boat, bathroom's on the lower deck and snacks are in the lobby. And also I'm here, and everyone else who's been left in the same crummy place emotionally. We're here together, and I hope that can help you, cause I know for me the worst part is feeling alone in it all, but I'm not, and neither are you. We're here, holding hands and cursing existence for putting us here and making us so sensitive and giving us something great only for it to end up hurting us. We're here, and if you wanna say anything, my DMs, comments, asks, whatever you'd want to talk through, are all open.

Now comes the hardest part: acknowledgement and playing the waiting game. Like I said, if you're feeling like me, this kind of anxiety and disappointment has you feeling like its all over. So now's when you gotta remind yourself that the only thing that's over is this moment in your life when you enjoyed a Thing. That Thing can have meant a lot to you, it could have gotten you out of really dark places, and it could be something you'll still think about down the line. It can be something like minecraft cube people that you (I) got way too emotionally attached to. And for whatever reason, that Thing could have meant the absolute world, whether other people would've understood it or not. Its not your fault it ended the way it did, life just does that sometimes, as unsatisfying of an answer as that is. But its true, and its an important lesson. The Thing is over.

You know what's not over though? You. You're life. Whatever the hell you are doing and will do in the future. If this was the best thing in your life you had going for you, I am so fucking sorry. You deserved to be happy with it, we both did. But I promise you, this Thing is a moment in your story, not the whole story. This really was the source of my joy for the past few months, and if its the same for you, I see you. We can feel like shit together, along with the rest of this wonderful community who understand it too. And you know what else we're gonna do? Live, and move on. Not now, maybe not for while, but we're human beings, we persist (sometimes that might look like you're dragging your battered self out of a trench smelling like depression and expired cheese, but you'll get out of the trench, we both will). There's too much to life for this to be what stops you from finding the rest, whether that's some dramatic life change that completely changes the world as you know it for the better... or just figuring out what comes next. Taking a shower, watching that movie you were waiting for the right moment to watch (I'd say this qualifies), setting up a therapy appointment maybe. Whatever you do to feel like a person again, you have that to do, and later down the road you'll have new Things that give it all meaning. So keep yourself going, hit up me or others who would get it, and do what you gotta do to let it pass. Because it will pass.

Deep breaths friend, I'll be cheering for you when it does

[scummy-writes]

Ikemen Tier List

whoaaa two posts together whoaaa (you guys didn't witness me doing this first to see if I had the energy to post a finished drabble today)

I've had trouble with the tier lists for a while because I feel like it didn't explain how I felt about these dudes half of the time, but I figured out a better way to mark the tiers and I feel like this sums it up great. And now you too can have a handy dandy 'How does Scum feel about X?' list! If Roderic had a sprite, I would put him in the daily thing, or maybe the top one? hm

Anyway, I'm gonna explain the tiers under the cut for extra clarifications.

[*Wants to write fanfics for 24/7*] : The Current Main Blorbo. All tremble before him - for he holds the writing braincell and he's all anyone hears about forever and ever - until another blorbo takes his spot (usually takes a few years). You'll see him as icons and photos and and and--------

On my mind daily, in some form: Sometimes these characters will be paired with the #1 chara, and so by extension they're thought about often. Sometimes they're not paired with them, but still thought about often. Despite my posting habits, I do enjoy these guys still. A lot, actually.

Think about a few times a week, offhandedly: Rubs chin. I think of Chev and Elbert as a rare comfort. A type of quiet one that is a plesant encouragement in some way or another. Or I get perplexed thinking about how they'd look ordering shitty coffee. Not much of an inbetween. But really I sometimes just enjoy the quiet comfort thoughts when i need them with those two.

Think about a few times a month: They used to be higher up in the faves, but I either got enough of them at some point (in a good way), friends love them with such glee that i just enjoy watching them simp for them, or they just got naturally shifted down in the line as more characters came into view. I won't talk about them much but I do like em in multiple ways.

Scared to think about (for my wallet): legally not allowed to like because I cannot max out my credit card (a joke). I really really really like Alfons and Victor but I am terrified they'll shoot the ranks in a couple of months, and that my wallet will be screaming to be spared (darius is still up for debate)

Want to like but (and/or for reasons cannot): hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Random simping once a blue moon (idk why): I read a translated story of roger once when sitting in my car on a lunch break. I was reading as I was getting out, and nearly fell into the horn when reading about his cock. It tormented me for a week. This happens ocassionally with the others... maybe not a translated story, but i'll have a random thought that hits me like a bullet train and suddenly I'm stumbling and struggling to think about anything else for a bit. (Leonardo is here as punishment, he knows what he did)

Was Favorite when playing but ghosted game: Ikerev was the first(?) cybird game I played, followed very very closely by ikesen. I don't see a lot of stuff for them naturally on my dash, and bluntly ikerev just could not hold my attention especially after I lost my data and got cockblocked by shitty gacha pulls, but I hardcore simped for these dudes when I played. Well, jonah did get pushed to the bottom of that tier fairly quickly, but Shingen is still #1 there. Anju (oc) was originally made for him, and I suspect that when his...eternal(?) is released in eng, I'll be feral for a little bit and then go back to gil simping.

No opinion really: I just.....shrug. They're neither bad nor good. These are characters who I was either SUPER excited for and then sorely disappointed, characters I haven't felt drawn to, or characters I just....never....felt anything towards...even after reading their route... I'm assuming they're just not my type and that's why they're here.

No: I hold negative opinions due to XYZ personal reason. Or their vibes are just rancid to me. I don't care if others like them or not, I don't judge others for liking them.

[ivy-meshle]

Okay I said on Tuesday in the tags I might talk about plurality n stuff wrt myself. Right now this is more stream of consciousness than anything polished, and idk if I’m going to be up to talking about it with people for a few days.

This is gonna get pretty long so I'm putting it under the cut:

(FWIW, I'm mainly using 'I' here, but that's because I've spent so long trying to make sure I keep plurality stuff off of this blog it feels weird to write 'we').

I think it was... fuck, six or seven years ago now? that I first learned what plurality even was, then another year and a half where I just kept thinking about it for weeks on end before I started to maybe consider that the reason I couldn't stop thinking about it was maybe the same reason I couldn't stop thinking about transness after I'd learned about that.

Even now, I'm still hesitant to claim plurality. It feels like a step too far- like I’m overstating things. I don't feel like one person, but I don't know that I feel like more than one, either. Certainly I don't have clear boundaries between one self and another. It’s more akin to distinct patterns of thoughts and behaviors that I feel like I snap between. Neural pathways that open and close.

There is one consistent pattern I've noticed though: when I'm in a period of stress, those distinctions become a lot clearer, and they tend to stay clearer than they were before even after I can unwind. Which is part of why I'm feeling more comfortable talking about plurality now; I know I'm going to be more people, more clearly, in the next four years.

The other major reason is that I want to not feel doubt every time I talk about us, that I'm just deluding myself. And that means that I need to get more used to talking about us.

So, uh, introductions, I guess? I've opted not to introduce characters (fictives(?)), since they tend to come and go more frequently- usually as I write about them. I think it's something about trying to get into their perspective that creates some of the same sort of neural pathways. If they stick around for longer than three months after I stop writing about them, I'll introduce them then. The sole exception here is Nensa, who meets that requirement.

For now: Hunter, 'me', host(?). He/it. Mostly responsible for getting people and things to where they need to be to work. Emotional regulation and planning type things.

Asher. He/ey. Math/physics nerd, problem solver. He handles the homework :Þ

Nensa. They/she. Minecraft Warden hybrid, stoic, helps with handling sensory overload mainly.

Miranda. She/her. Customer service voice social butterfly. When I need to talk to people at the bank or on the phone, she’s the one who takes the wheel.

Blake. He/him. Punk aesthetics and paranoia. He’s the one who keeps us from doxxing myself every other day, but also he keeps us from opening up to people. It’s a balancing act. (He’s very resistant to posting this.)

Dakota. She/her. Probably the first distinct self I identified; basically the face of my RSD. Very sensitive, cries frequently.

Ulyssa. She/it/void. Goth and angry and rude. It formed semi-on-purpose when Hunter decided to treat the negative self talk while I was spiraling like it was a person he could talk to and well. Now she is! Hunter tries to keep it and Dakota separate as much as possible.

Qwerty. It/she/he. Online persona, kinda? It only shows up when we’re on the internet. He’s more in tune with the social norms of the web than the rest of us are.

Anyways. Yeah. IDK. Life is weird and brains are weirder and I don’t necessarily think of myself as a system, but I would count myself as plural. That’s about the long and short of it.

Feels like I ought to say more, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I’m going to schedule this for, like, 9am my time so that I don’t have to actually hit that post button myself (scary). I also probably won’t be up for talking about this with other people (sorry mutuals!) for at least a few days. Thanks for listening.

( @ivy-meshle so I can rb this in the future )

[0heartangel0]

Many months ago (March-May), I played and beat Tactica. From when I hit 'start' to when the credits rolled, I had many thoughts on this game, and for a while, I was too afraid to share them. But after these past few months of ruminating, I've finally wracked up the courage to come out the closet to say:

I hate it. It's not good. It was frustrating from beginning to end. I don't even think the dlc will change my mind on things if I ever think of getting it.

Now, before you raise those pitchforks, I'm not saying you should also hate it alongside me. If you like it, that's okay, and all the power to you to do so. I'm just here to go into too much detail as to why I personally don't have the same opinion. Much like my last big post, I'll be doing this in parts because I have a LOT to say. So, strap in, 'cause

PERSONA 5 TACTICA IS NOT GREAT: A VERY ODDLY-CONSTRUCTED RANT

Pt. 1: The Positives

Okay, I'm not gonna be entirely negative here. There are a couple of good things, believe it or not.

For starters, the art is very good. I know some people might not like it for how it not only strays away from the original's art style, but is made to be more cartoony, but to that I say that that's a rather close-minded way of looking at it. In its own right, it at least has an identity of its own outside of the original, and the cartoonish art style gives way for more expression on the characters, both face-wise and pose-wise. Each still of the characters breathes life into them, and there's even some unique ones depending on the circumstances of the scene.

There's even some moments of full art pieces, and they're gorgeous:

I heard some people compare the art style to that of Persona Q's, but I'd say it's more on the lines with Panty And Stocking's, and I love its art style!

The cutscenes.....well, it depends on which ones you're talking about. Most of the 2d ones are good, but some are dragged down by not-so-good blocking and camera work, especially one in particular (don't worry, we'll get to that one...). The 3d cutscenes...aren't great. My biggest gripe with them are how the mouths move, which looks so weird and awkward, and you notice it from the very first cutscene (skip to when Yusuke and Futaba start talking). The shading and lighting also seem off, but I think that's just me.

Oh, right. Positives. Positives! POSITIVES!

Uh...OKAY! As much as I don't like the vast majority of the characters in this game (I'll elaborate on this in the next post), three of them are handled really well: Futaba, Yusuke, and (surprisingly enough) Lavenza.

Futaba still reigns supreme as p5's best girl (and by 'best girl' I mean out of the PT girls, she's the most entertaining and interesting one. To me), and retains her usual quips and personality. But not just that. Out of all the PT, she has the best chemistry with Toshiro. Not only does she have the most/best banter and talks with him, but they even have the most emotional interactions together.

Before fighting Yoshiki, Futaba tries reassuring him that his mother did love him, due to her own experience of the brain tricking her into thinking hers didn't love her, either. However, she dances around even talking about her own mother, and is super awkward the whole time.

This makes sense, considering the game takes place about 6-7 months after she joined the PT, so she'd still be very socially awkward. It's also a big contrast to Strikers, taking place about a whole year since her joining + having recently started attending high-school, so she's shown to be much better with communication by then.

Another good interaction is after Toshiro finds out the truth behind what happened to Eri Natsuhara (God, that name...), and gets super depressed, requesting the thieves just leave him behind to die. Futaba then does what I wish I could do, which is slap him across the face. She then tells him that she knows what it's like wanting to die, thinking you're the cause of someone else's misfortunes, but if she climbed out of that, he can too. She later makes him coffee with Yusuke, who reveals to Toshiro that she needed help with it, much to her embarrassment.

As bizarre as it is, I do love their chemistry, and I love how Futaba's handled in this game because of it.

Yusuke is rather bizarre for me, because (and I must be honest), he's a character I don't focus on much in comparison to the rest of the Thieves in P5. That isn't to say he's a bad character by any means; he's great! It's just, while he has his funny moments, I always found Ryuji as the character to give me the most laughs. He has his emotional moments, but characters like Futaba I would resonate with more.

But in Tactica, my God, is he entertaining. Out of every character, he has given me the most laughs (aside from maybe Lavenza, but we ain't there, yet), and still stays true to his character. His most notable moments are in Kingdom 2. For instance, when the gang are trying to save a bunch of citizens while acting like Samurai/Geisha, picking team Samurai will result in Ann using her terrible acting skills to get a drunk aizen to cough up the information, only for him to obviously be confused with the way she's acting. Yusuke then uses this opportunity by claiming that Ann's just drunk, and needs somewhere to lie down. Oh, the place where those citizens are is the perfect spot! Where was it, again?

The aizen falls for it, and tells them where it is. But just as he's sobering up, and is about to report them, Yusuke knocks him out, saying:

Love this scene! (And yes, I know this scene is optional, for you can choose to go with the geisha group instead (Haru, Makoto, and Erina), but I preferred to go with the bois + Ann (and can I just go off on a tangent to say having Ann be a Samurai is so smart and refreshing? As a character that's always depicted very feminine, seeing her in more masculine garb is really fun and great. Also, she's adorable in the getup)).

Later on, in order to get inside Yoshiki's palace, Toshiro devises a plan to dress all the townsfolk as the Phantom Thieves as distraction. The real kicker is that Yusuke was the one to come up with the designs to them, much to everyone's horror:

So, in conclusion, Yusuke's great. Love him.

As for Lavenza, wow, did she get an upgrade! I might go as far to say she's the only character to get improved upon in this game. For most of the first game, she's split into Caroline and Justine, and we're only properly introduced to her by the end, where she serves her purpose as help for the final battle + exposition (I hear she gets more in Royal, but only played Vanilla, so can't exactly comment). However, she's given more screen time in Strikers, which would've helped to expand on her character.

EEEEeexcept she's instead left there to exposit on how there's an impending doom + fusions. That's it. The most memorable scene she has is right after Zenkichi awakens to his Persona, where she drags you into the Velvet Room to explain to you what the Apostle Arcana is (I don't think she does this for The Hope Arcana, which makes this scene more unnecessary and ironically hilarious).

So it was a huge shock when she popped up in Tactica, exuding a personality that was merely hinted to us when she was split into two people. And a welcomed shock, at that, because this personality is fun and downright entertaining.

For one, she is full-on chaotic. With the current state of the Velvet Room, she takes advantage by modifying and testing it out through....violent methods:

She even dresses to match with the theme of it being an armory/forge, wearing a blacksmith's apron and welding mask.

Her hammering down the melted-together gears that form the newly-fused Persona is really cute and more energetic than that of a traditional Velvet Room fusion. Also, the fusion accident cutscene is something that has to be seen. You won't regret it.

She even makes guns for you-

Well-

Not for free, anyway.

Yes, she still reprises her role as the exposition-dumper, but they at least gave her more of a character that might make you more interested in listening to said exposition.

Also, she almost runs over Ryuji with a train:

(Let's play a game: who'd kill someone the quickest: Haru when driving a car, or Lavenza driving the Velvet Express?).

I would show more examples, but Tumblr is mean, and won't allow me to have more than 30 images per post (the reason why I made my Shibuya Arc Zenkichi rant into 4 part posts in the first place). Just know that Lavenza is cute and unhinged, and is the best she's ever been in this game.

The other thing I like about this game is....is....uhhhhh....OH!

The voice acting's great as usual, including the voices for the new characters!

Leeana Albanese gives an energetic and spunky performance as Erina, while MacLeod Andrew's delivers a more serious, yet goofy performance as Toshiro. The casting director (can't find the credit for that) made the right calls for their newly-required cast!

And.....and..........AAAANNNNDDDD I like the secondary Persona mechanic! Not only does it allow you to further modify your other party member's Personas, but Joker can finally keep Arsene for the entire game, instead of fusing him for the first hour or so! YAY!!!

There's also......also.........also.................

Okay, I got nothing else. That's all of the positives I could think of for this section. Everything else is just a bunch of cons.

Mourn this part of the discussion, because we're not seeing anything else positive (maybe some decent bits at most, but that's about it for me). Let the negativity begin!

Pt. 2

Pt. 3

Pt. 4

Pt. 4.5

Pt. 5

Pt. 6

Pt. 7

[bringbacktim]

Dial drunk- Jschlatt

A noah kahan inspired jschlatt imagine , this is not proofread or edited so be warned

Sad I didn't write this after the post malone version comes out , his verse sounds so good

Warnings : mentions of breakups , alcohol, death, cops , use of y/n , one swear word

Wc: 1.6k

It was no secret that Jschlatt liked to drink , he wasn't an alcoholic or anything, but he drank more than the average person

This drinking multiple times a week and his recent break up did not mix well together at all

Most nights he would get absolutely plastered and either leave a drunk voicemail or a drunk text (both equally embarrassing for him to discover the next morning)

This night was no different, it was a lonely Saturday evening and Jambo was beginning to grow bored of only having one adult to annoy . Schlatt was done streaming for the day and just wanted to wind down so looked no further than the liquor cabinet in his kitchen

Tonight he was definitely going push the limit of how much alcohol he usually drinks without caring about the consequences because he could physically feel his heart breaking in his chest and it was clearly taking a taking a toll on the orange tabby as well

To say the breakup was messy was an understatement , if it had to be described in one song it would be 'come back be here' by taylor swift. The distance did more harm than good, obviously being in a relationship with a youtuber was hard , but having that youtuber across oceans made it nearly impossible

I'm rememberin' I promised to forget you now

The alcohol was hitting hard by this point and his conscience was very much gone so the shit show that was drunk Jschlatt was going to begin

But it's rainin', and I'm callin' drunk

He could hear the pitter patter of the rain on the window and he thought back to how much y/n loved to cozy up on that very sofa with a hot drink when it rained , so the only logical thing to do was call her and tell her it was raining and that it reminded him of those fond memories

And my medicine is drownin' your perspective out

The liquor was making very much not care about whatever negative thing she would  have to say on the other side of the line if she actually picked up

So I ain't takin' any fault

Am I honest still? Am I half the man I used to be?

Obviously he wasn't going to blame the alcohol for the abrupt phone call , that was all him but not the tough guy he used to be that everyone loved . The gooey in the middle guy who doesn't know how to live without Y/n by his side

I doubt it, forget about it, whatever

It's all the same, anyways

With that saddening thought he put the phone down not even bothering to leave a voicemail because then she would know he was drunk

I ain't proud of all the punches that I've thrown

In the name of someone I no longer know

He definitely wasn't proud of all the times he had defended her name even though she ripped his heart out of his chest , stomped on it , and then shot it until you could see through to the other side

For the shame of being young, drunk, and alone

Traffic lights and a transmitter radio

He doesn't remember his feet taking him out the door or walking down the street he knew her hotel and favourite bar was , but at this point it was muscle memory no matter how hard he tried to forgot it his feet could never forget his old favourite path

That wasn't the only thing his feet forgot how to do because next thing he knew a cop car was pulling up next to him asking how much he'd had to drink and to walk in a straight line (aka the most difficult task in the world at the moment)

I don't like that when they threw me in the car

Being put in the back of the aforementioned cop car was no surprise after he couldn't walk or talk even remotely like a sober person

I gave your name as my emergency phone call

"Is there anyone we can call to come get you and make sure you get home safely?" The cop turned to him and asked

"Y/n Y/l/n" he knew it was a long shot , but she was a relatively nice person

Honey, it rang and rang, even the cops thought you were wrong for hangin' up

After about four attempts at calling the cops gave up and we're shocked that his only lifeline wouldn't come get him or even pick up

I dial drunk, I'll die a drunk, I'll die for you

He knew at that moment his life would stay the same for however many years he still had left, Jambo would be left at home wondering when his father would sober up and give him some attention

I'm untetherin' from the parts of me you'd recognize

From charmin' to alarmin' in seconds

He had changed too much since that last phone call and it was hard for his friends to watch , they didn't recognize him a lot of the time . Even his viewers could see he was a shell of himself

I'll be bedridden, I'll let the pain metastasize

But that's mornin', I'll forget it

He didn't care about streaming half the time and just laid in bed wishing the pain would stop spreading from his heart to everywhere else and controlling him like a little person in his head

But that's mornin', I'll forget it

And the dial tone is all I have

It usually got better once he'd actually manage to get out of bed to feed his cat etc , but he couldn't bear to stop calling just to listen to the dial tone it was all he had left of y/n after all and everyone knows that old habits die hard

I ain't proud of all the punches that I've thrown

In the name of someone I no longer know

He was two seconds away from defending you to the pair of cops who didn't even disrespect you even though you just hang up on him four times

For the shame of being young, drunk, and alone

Traffic lights and a transmitter radio

It was shameful to be so young and this sad over something so silly that a macho man like him shouldn't get upset over , luckily the radio kept spitting out messages so he was silenced for now

I don't like that when they threw me in the car

I gave your name as my emergency phone call

He was pissed about them not only man handling him , but also the fact that you wouldn't even pick up despite him having a habit of doing this , why didn't you even want to know he wasn't a danger to himself like some of your mutual friends said

Honey, it rang and rang, even the cops thought you were wrong for hangin' up

They tried a few more times after a solid five to ten minutes incase she was busy , but still nothing.  They couldn't just let him go and have him wind up dead somehow

I dial drunk, I'd die a drunk, I'd die for you

Well, I'd die for you

Were the only thoughts in his head at that moment , he was obviously destined to be a drunk and die from being reckless

"I beg you, sir, just let me call" he  tried to plead with them to just call once more

"I'll give you my blood alcohol

I'll rot with all the burnouts in the cell" he once again begged, he just needed that one more call

"I'll change my faith, I'll praise the flag

Let's wait, I swear she'll call me back"  they we're growing bored of this emasculating begging routine by now

"Son, are you a danger to yourself?" The cop asked wanting to just send him home

"Fuck that, sir, just let me call

I'll give you my blood alcohol" 

Schlatt replied trying to bargain with the man but this was a fight he wasn't going to win

"I'll rot with all the burnouts in the cell

I'll change my faith, I'll kiss the badge" he tried being on their side and charming them to see if he would finally get his way , but still no avail

"Let's wait, I swear she'll call me back" his voice broke as

"Son, why do you do this to yourself?" The cop asked genuinely curious why a tough guy like him was borderline crying in the back of his car

And I said

"I ain't proud of all the punches that I've thrown

In the name of someone I no longer know" with his head in his hands and nursing a water bottle he confessed to the man who was definitely confused

For the shame of being young, drunk, and alone

Traffic lights and a transmitter radio

I don't like that when they threw me in the car

He began to question his current situation and what he deserved to end up a drunk who couldn't get over his ex who clearly didn't give a shit about him or his safety

[weresilver]

Holy shit I am alive! Well, I'm just on Tumblr less, but I'm around. And I'm still writing!! If you couldn't guess by the not actual Sunday posting, I'm not ready to go back to regular posting. On top of on-a-whim WIPs I have at least one work project a week, and this week is my last week before finals for the semester :) somebody save me But I wanted to give y'all something, so this is it.

[Part 1] – [Part 10] – [Part 12]

@madaboutmunson @lamburrito @benjaminrussell @xxfiction-is-my-realityxx @dijkstraspath @queerbuckleys @spectrum-spectre @epiclazershark @redheadchimechild @steddie-there @gayngerthings @manda-panda-monium (I... hope no one else changed their URLs for pride month 😂)

Pin a String to My Chest – 11

A song

When he started high school months ago, Eddie hadn't expected to find people that shared his interests for a while; he wasn't the oldest guy in the band, but the rest of Corroded Coffin still had to finish middle school, so he wasn't sure what to expect.

In the end, Ollie, their drummer, decided to drag him to a D&D session, and the rest was history. It had been some of the best fun he had, and he was sure the others would like it too.

It had also become a small problem.

Eddie dropped himself on the couch next to Wayne as soon as he got home. Hellfire had run a little bit later than expected, but it was the last session before winter break, it couldn't be helped.

No, the problem wasn't the sessions running late. Wayne was usually at work by the time they were done, and on the off chance he had a Friday off, he was always warned of where he was.

(Eddie would not make that mistake, ever, where Wayne was concerned.)

Wayne glanced at him but kept his attention on the crossword he was working on as Eddie fidgeted with his ring. The radio played softly somewhere close to them.

Okay, calling it a problem was a little dramatic even for him. It wasn't a problem. It wasn't. But it was a little unexpected, he'd never even thought it was a possibility.

"Alright, kid." Wayne put the newspaper down, turning slightly to look at him. "What's goin' on with you?"

"Uh," he stalled like an idiot. If something would make Wayne assume something was wrong, hesitating would be it. "I don't… It's not bad."

"But it is something," Wayne guessed. "What kind of something?"

"You ever figure something out that you thought you knew about yourself?" Eddie asked, but made a face immediately after, twisting in his seat to look at Wayne as well. "Like… You thought something, but it turns out that the truth is something else?" He chanced a look at Wayne's face and saw a flicker of understanding. "It's nothing bad! I promise it's nothing bad."

Wayne nodded. "You said that, Eddie, and I believe you." His eyes unfocused for a moment, in a way Eddie knew meant his uncle was looking for words. "Well, there was that one time I learned I'm allergic to grapes, remember?"

Eddie nodded. That had happened years ago when his Ma was still alive, and it had freaked him out as a kid. It had been a surprise to Wayne as well.

"Now, I'm guessin' this isn't about food, or even music," he prompted. Eddie nodded, looking down at his hands and spinning the ring on his finger. "You know whatever's in your head is safe here, Eddie."

"I know," he groaned. "It's just… not something I expected?" Eddie shrugged. "I told you about Dylan, right?"

"Yeah?" Wayne nodded, looking a little confused. "First kid from your club to actually try and teach you that game of yours? You made 'im kinda hard to forget, Eddie." The smirk was both on Wayne's face and voice. Eddie flopped onto his back, almost hitting his head on the arm of the couch and causing Wayne to huff a laugh. "What about him?"

"Ollie said he was flirting. With me," he clarified while looking at the trailer ceiling. There was a stain up there that they should probably look into at some point.

"And that's not bad."

Eddie hummed his negative, spinning the ring that used to be his mother's.

"I mean, I didn't notice but Ollie swears he was." His hands started moving above his body. "And while Kant was driving us all home, I realized that I didn't really mind if he was, it's—it's kinda nice, and I wouldn't mind!" He raised his head a little to look at Wayne. "I mean, I know there's nothing wrong with liking another boy," he said in a low voice. At this time, there wasn't anyone to overhear their conversation. It just seemed like the softness was needed. "I just never stopped to think about it."

Wayne hummed thoughtfully, and Eddie stretched out on the couch, unceremoniously dropping his feet on Wayne's lap.

"Pretty sure this is a good age to be thinking about this stuff, Eddie." Wayne patted his leg, ignoring the noise he'd just made. "I was about 20 when I thought, hell, maybe I'm better off just by myself."

"I spent all that time telling Dick that I wasn't interested in boys like that," Eddie mused, the nickname he bestowed upon his father making him smile. Wayne shook his head with a smile of his own. "Might have saved some time if I'd just—"

"Don't even go there, kid," he interrupted. "Your old man was a piece of work who couldn't handle not being in control."

Eddie sighed, nodding slowly. "So, what do I do?"

"About what?"

"Wayne!" Eddie shot up from the couch, standing in front of his uncle with his arms crossed.

"Alright, alright," Wayne conceded with a chuckle. "Do you like him?"

"I…" Eddie frowned, thinking it over. "Think so?" Wayne raised an eyebrow at him, waiting. "He's a good person! He listens, y'know, and he's nice to be around."

"That ain't quite enough, kid," Wayne said softly. "You need to know for sure because people have their expectations in a relationship, and you need to know whether you two can find a middle ground."

"Expectations like…" His frown deepened, trying to think of something. "What?"

"All sorts of things," Wayne shrugged. "Sex, for one."

Eddie groaned, sitting down on the little coffee table that was behind him. It creaked ominously for a moment but settled down again. Wayne chuckled and continued talking. Eddie only half listened, as he was prone to when he wasn't interested in the topic, while Wayne kept going about how people — most of them, anyway — eventually wanted more "physical action" out of the relationship. Some sooner than others.

Those were Wayne's words. He wasn't sure how his uncle knew any of it, Eddie had never heard about the man being in any sort of relationship, ever, but the fact was that Eddie would much rather just… not do what he was very obviously implying.

Did people really have nothing better to do? This was starting to feel a little bit like some of the conversations he'd overheard over the halls in high school…

It was kind of ridiculous.

"Okay!" Eddie exclaimed, raising his arms to stop Wayne before he could go into any type of detail. "How the hell do you even know any of this?!"

Wayne shrugged, smiling in a way that made Eddie narrow his eyes. He did not want to know.

"Either way," Wayne continued softly. "Make sure to respect them and that they respect you, kid." He stood up, patting his shoulder. "Just want you to stay safe."

Eddie watched him move to the kitchen for a moment before standing up himself. He turned the radio up a little, just enough to be heard from his room. He didn't think Wayne had anything to worry about; if what he'd just said was true, Eddie was probably better off on his own just as Wayne was.

He lay down on his bed, listening to Woody Guthrie's voice in the background. He wasn't sure which song it was, but he had the impression of it being one of Wayne's favorites. He was sure he'd listened to it a lot since he came live with him.

It wasn't long before he fell asleep to the music.

At some point, Eddie was aware he was on his back. He usually moved around in bed more, but he felt tired. Still tired. He was supposed to feel better rested, he'd been asleep just now.

He could still hear the music on the radio, lowered and muffled somewhere to his right.

Do not think 'bout tomorrow; let tomorrow come and go…

Right, that was Wayne's favorite song, one of the first he'd taught Eddie on the acoustic guitar. Without opening his eyes, he tapped his finger on the bed to the rhythm of it. It wasn't his usual type of music but it was… pleasant.

Something wrapped around his wrist, stilling the movement of his hand. He tensed. The last time something held him— He tried holding onto his sheets, but the thin, scratchy material felt wrong and—

"Eddie," a soft voice called to him. He didn't know it, he didn't like it. Whoever they were, moved their hand so they were holding his hand instead. "Can you squeeze my hand?"

He didn't want to listen to them, but he could tell it was important. It took more effort than he'd expected to put any type of pressure on the hand holding his. He couldn't think of it as a squeeze of any kind.

"That's great, Eddie, that's great." They sounded happy for some reason. "Think you can open your eyes, now?"

Eddie made a noise that might have been a no if he had any more energy. The stranger — a woman, he realized — chuckled.

"I know it's unpleasant, but we really need you to open your eyes."

He wanted to go back to sleep. He was still tired, his body was aching all over, head to toe. But he was pretty sure she wouldn't let him sleep again.

If squeezing her hand took effort, opening his eyes was like… something worse. There was a golden-ish glow to the room he was in, but not much in the way of furniture of any kind. It was him and this lady.

Listen to the steel rails hummin', that's the hobo's lullaby.

"Wayne…?"