#I can do this yet I can't do my assignment
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I think what a lot of people need to realize is that male and female are just a collection of traits typically found together, and they need to TRULY realize and internalize it, not just say it like a cute lil slogan they don't actually believe
Even amongst completely perisex, cisgender, there will be differences from the typical idea of male/female sexual dimorphism
cis-perisex males will, generally speaking, be taller than cis-perisex females, yet in my lifetime, I have met TONS of cis-perisex women who are sognificantly taller than their male peers, similarly, I have met plenty of cis-perisex men who have a more "feminine" fat distribution.
There is no real way to define 'female' or 'male' in a way that does not exclude someone, even among cis perisex people.
This is why I as a trans person refuse to answer people when they come up to me with the whole "what is a woman" bullshit, not only because it is never asked in good faith, but because anything other than; "it can't be truly defined, the only way to tell if someone is a woman is if they tell you" will exclude someone.
(I'd also like to add that this does not mean being a woman has no meaning, simply that what it means to be a woman depends on the person defining it for themselves :))
great ask!
human biology really does whatever, especially when it comes to biological sex. hormones will do whatever they want. the body will grow whatever tissues it wants, store fat wherever it wants, and make your voice sound however it wants. it doesn't matter what gender you were assigned on paper. it doesn't matter what body parts you have half the time. so much of what makes us look like ourselves goes on completely under the hood
biological sex is not a binary. the sooner people catch on to this, the better. it really is this simple. bodies do not come in strict "male" and "female" packages. they're constellations of traits that may or may not exist within a person's body. you are not in control of what your hormones and reproductive health system do. this leads to a lot of different possible combinations of body types and appearances. we really need to embrace this. it's not a scary thing.
it's beautiful. the diversity in human biological sex is wonderful; our bodies can grow in so many unique ways, we should celebrate this!
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HIDDEN IN PLAIN SIGHT - BANG CHAN | STRAY KIDS
Loneliness is such a sad affair, and I can hardly wait to be with you again
♱ PAIRING : BANG CHAN X MALE READER
♱ SYNOPSIS : M/n, a university junior, secretly dates Bang Chan. When the group performs at his campus, their hidden relationship is exposed.
♱ CONTENT WARNING : This writing contains explicit sexual content and mature themes.
♱ AUTHOR'S NOTE : Merry Christmas my lovelies! I can't wait to show you what I have in store next year! I will see you in 2025.
LINKS : Wattpad | Kofi
The sun cast a warm glow over the university lawn, where M/n and his two best friends, Jiho and Minseo, sat cross-legged on the grass. Their lunchboxes laid open, and the air was filled with laughter and the scent of freshly baked bread from a nearby food cart. It was a Thursday afternoon, and the group of friends had just met up for the first time this week for lunch.
“Did you finish Professor Kim’s reading?” Minseo asked, biting into a rice ball.
“Nope, fuck that seriously,” M/n replied, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “He assigns way too much for one week.”
Minseo hummed. “True dat.”
Jiho, scrolling on his phone, suddenly let out a loud gasp, aggressively slapping M/n’s shoulder in excitement. “Oh my God! No way!”
Both M/n and Minseo turned toward him, startled.
“What, you psycho bitch?” Minseo asked, her curiosity piqued yet annoyed at how loud Jiho was shrieking like he had no home training.
Jiho shoved his phone in their faces, the screen displaying a social media post with bold letters: Surprise! Stray Kids will be performing at Hanseong University today at 3 PM.
M/n froze, his heart leaping into his throat. He quickly schooled his expression, pretending to be indifferent. “That’s cool, I guess,” he said with a shrug, taking a sip of his drink.
“Cool?” Jiho exclaimed, nearly spilling his coffee to slap the back of M/n’s head. “Bitch, are you sick? This is Stray Kids! Do you not understand the seriousness of this ordeal?”
Minseo chuckled. “Ain’t never used ‘ordeal’ in your life, scholar.” Jiho sucked his teeth at Minseo.
M/n forced a smile, his thoughts racing. Why didn’t he tell me? Chan, his boyfriend and the leader of Stray Kids, had conveniently left out this major detail during their last phone call.
“We have to go early!” Jiho said, already packing up his lunch. “I want to get a good spot.”
“I guess I’ll go too,” Minseo added. “M/n, you’re coming, right?”
M/n hesitated. “Uh, yeah, I gotta go to the bathroom first.”
Jiho and Minseo groaned in unison. “Go piss, girl,” Minseo teased.
“We’ll try and save you a seat, but I can’t promise if Seungmin wants it first. Or maybe he can sit in my lap…” Jiho pondered, biting his lip in a weird, horny kinda way.
M/n laughed nervously, fidgeting with the strap of his backpack. “I’ll catch up.”
Quickly, M/n rushed off. His mind was spinning. He wasn’t mad that Chan hadn’t told him, and he understood the need for secrecy, but being blindsided like this made his heart race with anxiety. What if his friends put two and two together? What if someone saw them?
Reaching the side door of the main building, M/n glanced over his shoulder. The campus was alive with energy as students gathered in clusters, buzzing with excitement for the upcoming performance.
Inside, the hallways were quieter, the faint hum of conversation drifting from nearby rooms. M/n spotted a staff member carrying a clipboard and quickly ducked behind a pillar, holding his breath until the coast was clear.
He made his way toward the room labeled Stray Kids in bold black letters on a laminated sign. His hand hesitated on the doorknob before he knocked softly.
“Come in,” came a familiar voice.
M/n stepped inside, shutting the door quickly behind him. The room was small and bustling with energy, racks of clothes lined one wall, and makeup cases were strewn across a long table. But in the middle of it all stood Chan, wearing a casual yet stylish outfit, his hair perfectly styled, and a look of surprise spreading across his face.
“M/n?” Chan crossed the room in two quick strides, his tone a mix of confusion and joy. “What are you doing here?”
“I could ask you the same thing,” M/n replied, his voice low but tinged with a little nervousness as he looked around at the people passing by. “You didn’t think to warn me you’d be performing at my fuckin’ university? What if we get caught here?”
Chan quickly whisked M/n away, placing his hands on his shoulders and guiding him to a smaller room in the back. This space was more private, with only a counter and a few chairs.
M/n leaned against the dressing room counter with his arms crossed in a pout.
Chan put his hands on both sides of M/n’s hips, his thumbs circling gently on the little bit of exposed skin between his shirt and jeans. “It was supposed to be a surprise. Management didn’t finalize it until yesterday, and I figured you’d find out anyway.”
“Well, surprise,” M/n said, his voice clearly more scared about getting caught than about blaming Chan for not saying anything. “Now I’m here freaking out, trying to make sure none of my friends figure out I’m dating you.”
Chan softened, his hand reaching out to gently touch M/n’s cheek. “Baby, don’t be like that. I didn’t mean to stress you out. I just… wanted to see you.”
M/n sighed, his irritation melting under Chan’s warm gaze. “You’re lucky I like you.”
Chan grinned. “I know.”
Chan’s grin softened as he leaned in closer, his forehead gently pressing against M/n’s. “You have no idea how much I’ve missed you.” M/n felt his heart flutter in his chest, the warmth of Chan’s breath fanning against his lips. Despite his nerves, he couldn’t stop the small smile that crept onto his face.
“You just saw me last week, drama queen.”
Chan chuckled, his voice dropping to a low murmur. “A week feels like forever when it comes to you.”
Before M/n could respond, Chan closed the distance, capturing his lips in a kiss that sent a rush of heat coursing through his body. It started gentle, as if Chan was savoring the moment, but the longing between them quickly took over.
Chan’s hands slid from M/n’s hips to wrap securely around his waist, pulling him closer until their bodies were flush against each other. M/n’s hands found their way to Chan’s chest, fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt as he kissed back with equal fervor.
The world outside the small dressing room seemed to melt away. The muffled voices and distant chatter from the hallway faded, leaving only the sound of their breaths and the soft hum of their hearts racing in tandem.
Chan tilted his head, deepening the kiss, his hands roaming up and down M/n’s back in soothing yet possessive strokes. M/n’s resolve crumbled, and he let out a quiet, involuntary whimper against Chan’s lips.
That sound seemed to ignite something in Chan. He pressed M/n back gently against the counter, his lips moving with a desperation that spoke of every moment they’d spent apart. His fingers tangled in M/n’s hair, tilting his head to gain better access, and M/n melted into him completely.
When they finally broke apart for air, their foreheads rested together, both of them breathing heavily. Chan’s gaze was intense, his eyes dark with affection and want.
“I love you,” he whispered, his voice hoarse but steady. “I don’t care where we are or who’s around. I’ll always want to kiss you like that.”
M/n felt his cheeks flush, his hands still clutching Chan’s shirt. “You’re so corny,” he mumbled, but the soft smile on his face betrayed the truth, he loved every second of it.
Chan grinned, his thumb brushing against M/n’s bottom lip. “And you love it.”
M/n didn’t deny it. Instead, he pulled Chan down for another kiss, this one slow and tender, a promise of all the stolen moments they’d share, no matter how complicated their situation might be.
M/n felt the heat rising between them as Chan leaned back into him, his lips finding their way to the corner of M/n’s mouth, then down along his jawline. Each touch sent a spark through M/n, his breath hitching as Chan’s lips traveled to his neck, leaving a trail of featherlight kisses that grew bolder with each press.
“Channie,” M/n whispered that nickname that always made Chan weak, his voice trembling with both urgency and affection.
Chan hummed against his skin, the vibration sending shivers down M/n’s spine. “Hmm?” he murmured, his lips brushing against the sensitive spot just below M/n’s ear.
“You’re going to leave a mark,” M/n warned, though his voice lacked any real conviction.
Chan chuckled softly, the sound low and sultry. “Would that be such a bad thing?” he teased, his hands tightening on M/n’s waist.
M/n pushed at his chest lightly, his cheeks flushed. “Yes, it would! My friends would definitely notice.”
Chan pulled back just enough to look at him, his eyes sparkling with mischief and affection. “Fine, no marks… not right now at least,” he conceded with a cheeky grin, leaning in for another kiss that was slower, deeper, and impossibly more intoxicating.
M/n sighed into the kiss, his hands sliding up to Chan’s shoulders, gripping them tightly as if to anchor himself. Chan tilted his head, his lips moving against M/n’s with a rhythm that felt natural, effortless, like they’d been made for this exact moment.
The kiss grew hungrier, more desperate, as if the limited time they had together only fueled the need to make every second count. Chan’s hands slid down M/n’s back, resting just above his hips as he pressed them even closer together, their bodies fitting like pieces of a puzzle.
M/n felt the counter digging into his back, but he didn’t care. All he could focus on was the way Chan’s lips moved against his, the way his hands explored his body with a careful yet insistent touch, the way his entire being seemed to drown in Chan’s presence.
Their kiss broke only when the need for air became too great, but even then, Chan stayed close, their noses brushing as their breaths mingled.
“I wish we didn’t have to hide,” Chan said softly, his voice tinged with a rare vulnerability.
M/n’s heart clenched at the admission. He reached up to cup Chan’s cheek, his thumb brushing gently against his skin. “Me too,” he admitted. “But as long as I have you, I can deal with the rest.”
Chan smiled, leaning into M/n’s touch. “You’re too good to me.”
“And don’t you forget it,” M/n replied with a teasing grin, though his tone was filled with affection.
Chan chuckled, stealing one last lingering kiss before finally pulling back, though his arms stayed wrapped securely around M/n’s waist. “I guess I should let you go before your friends send out a search party.”
M/n groaned, reluctant to step away. “Yeah, I guess… but this isn’t over.”
Chan smirked, his gaze full of promise. “Not even close.”
M/n reluctantly pulled away, smoothing his shirt and adjusting his glasses as he tried to compose himself. His heart was still racing, and his lips tingled from Chan’s kisses, but he needed to act normal—at least normal enough to fool Jiho and Minseo.
“You’ll be watching, right?” Chan asked, his voice softer now.
M/n hesitated, biting his lip. “I’ll try. Jiho and Minseo are expecting me to sit with them, so I can’t make it obvious.”
Chan nodded, understanding written all over his face. “Just… stay close if you can,” he said, reaching out to squeeze M/n’s hand briefly. “It’ll be nice knowing you’re there.”
M/n smiled despite his nerves. “I’ll be there. Just don’t get too distracted by my handsome face.”
Chan laughed quietly, his eyes crinkling at the corners. “No promises.”
With one last lingering glance, M/n slipped out of the makeshift dressing room, carefully closing the door behind him. The hallway was still relatively empty, though the muffled sound of voices and footsteps indicated that students were already gathering for the performance.
M/n took a deep breath, his hand lingering on the doorknob for a moment before he stepped away. He couldn’t afford to look suspicious.
As he walked back toward the outdoor venue, the hum of excitement grew louder. Groups of students were chatting animatedly, and some were already seated near the stage, phones in hand, ready to record every moment.
Spotting Jiho and Minseo wasn’t hard as they were near the middle of the crowd, Jiho waving his arms wildly to flag M/n down.
“There you are!” Jiho exclaimed as M/n approached. “Took you long enough. What, did you fall in?”
“Something like that,” M/n replied with a shrug, slipping into the spot they’d saved for him.
Minseo handed him a bottle of water, her eyes narrowing slightly. “You okay? You look kind of flustered.”
“I’m fine,” M/n said quickly, taking a sip of water to cover his nerves. “It’s just hot out here.”
Jiho fanned himself dramatically with his hand. “Girl, same. But who cares? We’re about to see Stray Kids! Can you believe it? Like, right here! This is history in the making. Maybe our school isn’t so shit after all.”
M/n forced a laugh, his stomach flipping at the thought of seeing Chan on stage while sitting among his friends, who had no idea about their relationship.
As the minutes ticked by, the crowd grew larger, and the excitement became palpable. When the emcee finally took the stage to introduce Stray Kids, the cheers were deafening. M/n felt his pulse quicken as he prepared for what was about to happen.
The lights dimmed slightly, and the opening beats of a familiar song filled the air. Then, there they were… Stray Kids, stepping onto the stage with the kind of confidence and charisma that could command any crowd.
M/n’s eyes immediately found Chan, who stood at the center, his presence magnetic. Chan’s gaze briefly scanned the crowd, and though M/n knew it was impossible for him to pick him out among so many people, he still felt a jolt when their eyes seemed to meet for a split second.
Jiho was screaming next to him, clutching Minseo’s arm in excitement. “Oh my God, look at Bang Chan! He’s so fucking hot!”
M/n bit his lip to suppress a smile, his cheeks heating up. If only Jiho knew.
As the performance continued, M/n couldn’t help but admire Chan. He was in his element, his movements fluid and precise, his voice commanding and powerful. It was a side of him M/n didn’t often get to see up close, and it made him fall for him all over again.
But amidst the thrill of the performance, M/n couldn’t shake the anxiety bubbling under the surface. What if someone noticed the way Chan looked at him? What if someone figured out their connection?
He forced himself to focus on the music, clapping and cheering along with his friends. For now, he just had to get through the show without raising any suspicion.
The campus was still buzzing with excitement from Stray Kids’ performance. Students milled about in groups, their chatter echoing across the quad. M/n kept his head down, weaving through the crowd as casually as he could. His heart pounded in his chest, not from excitement but from nerves.
When he reached the side gate leading to the quiet garden behind the art building, he glanced over his shoulder to make sure no one was watching. The garden was one of the most secluded spots on campus, a hidden oasis with benches tucked under canopies of leafy trees.
Chan was already there, leaning against the trunk of a tree, his hoodie pulled low over his face. Even in the dim light, M/n could see the tension in his posture.
“Chan,” M/n called softly, stepping closer.
Chan’s head snapped up, and a relieved smile broke across his face. “M/n.”
Before M/n could say anything, Chan closed the distance between them, pulling him into a tight hug. The world seemed to fade away as Chan’s familiar warmth surrounded him, grounding him in the moment.
“That was the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life,” Chan murmured against M/n’s hair. “I don’t like pretending I don’t know you.”
M/n pulled back just enough to look up at him, his brows furrowed. “It was just for a moment, we’re all good now”
Chan cupped M/n’s face in his hands, his thumbs brushing gently over his cheeks. “I know. I didn’t think it through, and I’m sorry. I just… wanted to see you. It’s been weeks, and when this opportunity came up, I couldn’t pass it up.”
M/n sighed, his irritation softening under Chan’s earnest gaze. “You’re impossible, you know that?”
Chan chuckled softly. “I’ve been told.”
For a moment, they stood there in the quiet garden, the distant hum of campus life fading into the background. Chan’s hands slid down to M/n’s shoulders, his touch light but grounding.
“I missed you,” Chan admitted, his voice barely above a whisper.
M/n’s heart softened. He reached up, his hand resting over Chan’s on his shoulder. “I missed you too.”
Chan leaned in, pressing a gentle kiss to M/n’s forehead, lingering there for a moment. “You’ve been on my mind every day,” he murmured. “I know this isn’t easy for you, but I’m grateful. For you, for us.”
M/n felt a lump rise in his throat. He tilted his head to meet Chan’s gaze, his lips twitching into a small smile. “Just… don’t surprise me like this again, okay?”
Chan grinned, his dimples showing even in the low light. “Promise. No more surprises.”
They shared a soft laugh, the tension melting away as the moment stretched between them. M/n felt a sense of calm wash over him, the chaos of the day fading into the background.
“Stay for a bit?” Chan asked, his voice hopeful.
M/n glanced toward the path leading back to the main campus, then back at Chan. “A little longer,” he said, his voice quiet but sure.
And for the first time that day, M/n allowed himself to relax, leaning into Chan’s embrace as the world outside the garden faded away. The peaceful silence of the garden was abruptly shattered by the sound of approaching voices. M/n froze, his heart skipping a beat as he recognized the unmistakable laughter of Minseo and Jiho.
“Didn’t you say you saw him come this way?” Jiho’s voice rang out, closer than M/n would have liked.
“I swear he’s hiding something,” Minseo replied. “He bolted like his ass was on fire.”
Chan tensed, his hands still on M/n’s shoulders. “Who is that?” he whispered.
“My friends,” M/n hissed, panic lacing his voice. He grabbed Chan’s arm, pulling him toward a thicker cluster of trees. “Hide!”
But before they could move far, Minseo’s sharp eyes caught them. “M/n? Is that you?”
M/n’s stomach dropped as both Minseo and Jiho rounded the corner of the garden path, their expressions shifting from confusion to wide-eyed shock.
“M/n,” Jiho started, his gaze flicking between M/n and the man standing too close to him. “Why does that guy look exactly like—”
“Bang Chan?!” Minseo practically shrieked, pointing an accusatory finger.
M/n’s brain short-circuited as he stood frozen, caught red-handed. Chan, to his credit, didn’t flinch. Instead, he straightened up and offered a sheepish smile.
“Uh, hi,” Chan said, scratching the back of his neck.
Jiho gawked at him, his jaw practically on the ground. “What the fuck is happening right now?!”
Minseo’s eyes narrowed, zeroing in on M/n. “You’ve been sneaking around with Bang Chan? THE Bang Chan?!”
“I—uh—” M/n stammered, his face burning.
“Wait, are you two like… dating?” Jiho asked, his voice a mix of disbelief and giddy excitement.
M/n opened his mouth, but no sound came out. He felt like a deer caught in headlights.
Chan stepped in, his voice calm and steady. “Yes. We are.”
Minseo’s jaw dropped. Jiho let out an audible gasp, covering his mouth like he’d just heard the juiciest gossip of the year.
“You mean to tell me,” Minseo started, her hands on her hips, “that you’ve been dating Bang Chan this whole time, and you didn’t say a damn word?”
“It’s complicated,” M/n mumbled, avoiding their gazes.
Jiho burst into laughter, startling everyone. “Complicated? That’s the understatement of the century! Dude, you’re dating a literal K-pop idol!”
Minseo, on the other hand, was still processing. “I’m just mad you didn’t tell us. We’re your best friends, M/n.”
“I couldn’t,” M/n said, his voice barely above a whisper. “It’s not just my secret to tell.”
Minseo softened slightly, her expression shifting from anger to understanding. “I get it. But you should’ve trusted us.”
Chan stepped closer to M/n, his hand brushing against his arm in silent reassurance. “I asked him to keep it private,” he explained. “We’re trying to protect what we have. It’s not easy with my career.”
Jiho looked at them both, his eyes twinkling with mischief. “You know what? I ship it. Power couple vibes. But you owe us details, M/n.”
Minseo rolled her eyes but smiled. “Fine. But don’t think you’re off the hook. We’re having a long talk about this later.”
M/n exhaled in relief, a small smile tugging at his lips. “Thanks, guys.”
Minseo nodded. “Just… be careful. And Chan? You better treat him right.”
Chan grinned, his dimples on full display. “Always.”
The tension eased as the group exchanged a few more words, and M/n realized that while his secret was out, maybe it wasn’t the worst thing after all.
As Minseo and Jiho walked off, their voices fading into the distance, M/n let out a long, exasperated sigh, leaning against the tree. He covered his face with his hands, his ears still burning from embarrassment.
“That was awkward,” M/n muttered.
Chan chuckled softly, stepping closer and nudging M/n’s shoulder. “Awkward, sure, but your friends are pretty great.”
M/n peeked at him through his fingers. “Great? Jiho almost fainted, and Minseo was ready to kill me.”
Chan grinned, his dimples making a playful appearance. “Yeah, but they care about you. That much is obvious. And I like that about them.”
M/n lowered his hands, a reluctant smile creeping onto his face. “You’re just saying that because they didn’t hate your guts.”
“Maybe.” Chan’s voice softened, his eyes locking onto M/n’s. His expression shifted, the playful glint replaced with something deeper, more tender. “But seriously, they’re good people. And they love you.”
M/n felt his heart flutter under Chan’s gaze, the intensity of it making his stomach flip. He looked away, biting his lip to suppress a shy grin.
Chan tilted his head, stepping even closer until their faces were mere inches apart. His hand reached out, brushing a strand of hair from M/n’s forehead. “Well, since we don’t have to hide anymore…”
M/n barely had time to process the words before Chan leaned in, capturing his lips in a slow, deliberate kiss. Unlike before, this wasn’t rushed or frantic. It was deep and consuming, filled with all the emotions they’d had to suppress for so long.
Chan’s hands found M/n’s waist, pulling him closer, while M/n’s fingers instinctively gripped the front of Chan’s hoodie. The world around them melted away—the garden, the university, the lingering nerves��all replaced by the warmth of each other.
M/n sighed into the kiss, his body relaxing as he leaned into Chan. He felt the gentle pressure of Chan’s hands sliding up his back, holding him securely as if he never wanted to let go.
When they finally broke apart, both were slightly breathless, their foreheads resting together. Chan smiled, his thumb gently stroking M/n’s side. “I’ve been wanting to do that without worrying who’s watching.”
M/n laughed softly, his voice shaky but filled with warmth. “That’s gonna take some getting used to.”
Chan’s grin widened. “We’ll figure it out. Together.”
M/n nodded, his cheeks flushed but his heart full. “Together.”
They stood there for a moment longer, lost in their own little world, before the sound of distant chatter reminded them of where they were.
Chan smirked, taking M/n’s hand in his. “Come on. Let’s get out of here before your friends come back for round two.”
M/n rolled his eyes but didn’t let go of Chan’s hand, following him out of the garden with a newfound sense of freedom.
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Azel Radwan: Chapter 5
Chapter 4 Normal Story
Thank you @shatcey for providing the video for this chapter!
♡———♡
"The God is infatuated with a foreign girl" –– the rumor spread among the people faster than a fire along a fuse.
Emma: Living God… I can't go on anymore…
Azel: ..........
I wipe away the dripping sweat and step into the shade of a building to avoid the scorching sun.
Even so, my body is hot, and my limbs are already complaining of fatigue.
Azel looks down at me with a cold expression as I collapse on the spot.
Azel: What do you want me to do about it?
His mystical eyes are harsh, with no trace of the compassion he had when we first met.
I may have incurred the God's displeasure, but I no longer had the luxury of fearing divine punishment.
Emma: It's just as you suspect.
Azel: …Ah, so you're saying…
Azel kneels before me and lifts my chin with a forceful grip devoid of any tenderness.
Azel: You want me to be kind to you?
Emma: Please… I beg you…
(If this continues, I'll…)
–– Time rewinds a little.
Nadia: By order of the King, I, Nadia, have been assigned to attend to your needs, Lady Emma, starting today.
Aisha: I'm Aisha. We, the head maids of the harem, will serve you to the best of our abilities. Pleased to meet you.
Emma: Oh… Thank you for your concern. But I'm just a humble book merchant, so I don't need—
Nadia: Now, let's start with a bath. The Living God might visit you in your dreams.
Aisha: We must groom your hair beautifully, polish your skin thoroughly, and as for perfume… I wonder what the Living God prefers.
Nadia: We don't know, so let's use roses for now. Lady Emma seems to be from Rhodolite.
Aisha: That's a good idea! Let's do that.
Emma: You really don't have to go that far!
Emma: At least let me bathe alone— Please, have mercy…!
-
Izzet: I am Izzet, and I will be in charge of your protection from today forward, Lady Emma.
Izzet: I usually serve as a messenger, but this time I have officially received a royal order to eliminate any danger approaching you.
Emma: Oh… Thank you very much. However, I am just a humble book merchant, so I don't need a guard—
Izzet: Please reconsider. The Living God's favor is an honor for women all over the country.
Izzet: Even with the divine protection of the God, it's not possible to say for sure that there won't be any envy, resentment, jealousy, or anger…
Emma: … I understand. Thank you for your service. I look forward to working with you.
-
Enis: I apologize for summoning you so suddenly.
Enis: Are you having any trouble at the castle? If you tell me, I can help with most things.
Emma: Thank you for your kindness.
Emma: If you would be so kind as to listen to my wish…
Emma: Could you please treat me as just a humble book merchant, as before?
Enis: I cannot do that. You are the one and only woman who has received the Living God's favor.
Enis: For many years, Tanzanite has struggled with the lack of a woman who could capture the Living God's heart.
Enis: But finally, our long-held wish has come true, and the royal court is overflowing with joy.
Enis: It is the king's duty to increase the national power and entertain you… Please accept it.
The seriousness of being misunderstood as having the Living God's favor is something that sinks in with the passage of time.
-
Emma: Clavis, please stop.
Clavis: I haven't even said anything yet?
Emma: You have a mischievous grin on your face… You're enjoying this, aren't you?
Clavis: Haha, yes, I'm quite amused right now! Now, I'm sure you have a lot to talk about, right?
Clavis: This gentleman will listen to all your troubles.
Today, once again, we hold a secret feast with Clavis and Luke in a guest room of Tanzanite Castle.
From the moment I was summoned, I knew what the "main dish" of the feast would be.
Clavis: Luke, give Emma some alcohol.
Luke: No way I'm letting her drink. It's Tanzanite tea today.
Unlike Clavis, who can't stop grinning, Luke seems concerned for me, skillfully brewing the tea with practiced hands and offering it to me.
Emma: Thank you. This tea… I don't think I've ever seen it before.
Luke: I heard it's made by crushing several kinds of fruits. It's called "Zel Tea," and it seems to be very popular right now.
Emma: "Zel Tea"?
Luke: I heard it's taken from the Living God's first name.
(It's even become a name for tea!?)
Luke: They say it has all sorts of benefits, like curing illnesses, erasing worries, and making love come true.
Emma: …The people in this town really are devout.
Clavis: And you've been favored by that amazing God, haven't you?
I avert my gaze from Clavis, who can't stop smirking, and take a sip of the tea to calm myself down.
(Hmm, it's sweet and delicious.)
(It's a far cry from the image of the Living God… but I like this flavor.)
I take a breath, savoring the sweetness, and clear my mind of all distractions.
Emma: I have absolutely no recollection of such a thing, but it seems that's the case.
Clavis: Oh, you have no recollection…! So it was love at first sight for Prince Azel?
Luke: He has good taste.
Clavis: As expected of a God. But it is a bit surprising.
Clavis also takes a sip of the tea that Luke brewed for him and relaxes his expression as if satisfied with the taste.
Clavis: I thought he wasn't the least bit interested in romance that has no monetary value…
Emma: …Perhaps he just found a foreign woman to be a novelty.
Luke: No way. Look around Tanzanite. There are tourists from all over, men and women alike, right?
Clavis: Yes, a "foreign girl" isn't a rare existence for a God.
Clavis: Therefore, regardless of your origin, he must have found some value in you.
Clavis: Now, the question is, what exactly is that value… What do you think, Luke?
Luke: Me? Well…
Luke: Maybe it's a way to keep us in check?
Emma: Keep you in check?
(...The conversation suddenly took a disturbing turn.)
Luke pulls out honey from somewhere and puts it in his own cup, stirring it with a spoon.
Luke: You've probably noticed it too, haven't you? About the reason we came to Tanzanite.
Emma: Vaguely… It has something to do with the three-country alliance, right?
Luke: That's right. We're investigating the reason why Tanzanite formed the alliance, due to various circumstances.
Luke: So, I've been looking into it for the past few days, and it seems like the God holds the sovereignty when it comes to politics.
Luke: In other words, if there's some reason why they formed the alliance, the God is at the core of it.
Luke: And that God has set his sights on a woman who's close to us, right?
Luke: Tanzanite is outwardly welcoming us. But if they're wary of us behind the scenes—
Luke: There's a good chance they could take you hostage if something inconvenient happens.
(Hostage… I hadn't thought of that, but it's possible.)
(Even if the "infatuation" thing is just a coincidence…)
(There's no doubt that the Living God had some purpose in binding me with debt.)
(But, it doesn't make sense if that's "all" there is to it.)
Emma: Even if that's the case, Rhodolite and Tanzanite aren't on bad terms, are they?
Emma: Is there any reason to be wary of Prince Luke and Prince Clavis to the point of taking a hostage?
(If there's something they don't want the three-country alliance to know about, they might be wary.)
(But, if that's the case, they could have refused entry to Rhodolite.)
Luke, who had been serious until then, suddenly laughed and took a sip of his tea.
Luke: Well, that's true. I might be overthinking it.
Clavis: Luke, you…
On the contrary, Clavis becomes serious this time.
Luke: Wh-what…?
Clavis puts down his cup, approaches Luke, and places a hand on his shoulder.
Clavis: Big brother Clavis is touched right now. To think that Luke is seriously working…!
(I was kind of thinking that…!)
Luke: G-get off me, it's annoying!
Luke brushes Clavis's hand away and quickly retreats to the corner of the room.
He was surprisingly agile for someone who usually slacks off.
Clavis: I'm more surprised by your growth than the Living God situation.
Luke: …I should have slacked off if I knew I'd be praised this much.
Emma: Why? Serious Luke is cool too.
Luke: I'm not really working seriously. It's just…
Emma: …Just?
Luke: No… Anyway, I'm fine as long as that God doesn't harm you in any way.
(I wonder what he was about to say?)
Luke's attitude bothers me, but I miss the timing to press further.
Clavis: The hostage theory might have some merit, but I'd still like to believe in the theory that he's fallen for your personality, Emma.
Clavis: Because that's much more interesting, haha.
(That's the one thing that's not true.)
Clavis: Emma, there are various theories, but what matters is your will.
Clavis: Is Prince Azel's favor unwelcome, or are you not entirely opposed to it? Could you tell us for reference?
(Ah… So this was the main topic.)
I take another sip of tea, as if to hide my trembling hands from nervousness.
Emma: I don't think it's unwelcome.
Luke: Really?
Emma: Really, it's an honor to be liked by a God, isn't it? I'm happy… ahaha… haha…
(...I wonder if that was a bit too unconvincing.)
Emma: Anyway… there's nothing to worry about.
Emma: Thanks to the Living God, my treatment might improve, but it won't get worse—
Luke: It will, won't it?
My shoulders jump in surprise.
Luke: You're tired, aren't you?
(...I guess I can't hide that much.)
Clavis: Some people enjoy being pampered, while others are not used to it. You're clearly the latter.
Luke: If you don't like it, refuse it.
Emma: …I have been refusing, though.
Emma: It's a national celebration to be favored by the Living God.
Luke: That's not our problem.
Clavis: Haha, if push comes to shove, let's all three of us, you, Luke, and I, run away!
Clavis: Even though you're favored by the God, you're still just an ordinary person. There's no need for you to stay in the castle.
(...Oh, right. There's the option of escaping from the castle.)
(The owner won't be back for a while, and it might be a good idea to take refuge somewhere other than here.)
Luke: But, even if we run away, wouldn't they assign maids and guards to any inn we stay at?
Luke: I don't think the treatment would change much.
Clavis: Then let's find a love escape destination where we can live peacefully.
Clavis: It seems like it'll be a three-way, muddled love-hate drama between me, Luke, and Prince Azel.
Luke: Don't do anything unnecessary, okay?
(If that's the case, I know just the place.)
(The one and only place where maids, guards, and even the king can't easily enter.)
*back to present time*
Emma: Please… I beg you…
(If this continues, I don't think I can remain safe, both physically and mentally—...)
Emma: Please let me live here too!
Azel: Rejected. Goodbye.
(There was no room for negotiation…!)
Azel, still holding my chin as I kneel, pokes my cheek.
Azel: More importantly, I'm counting on you for the next errand.
Emma: Again!? I just went shopping!
(And thanks to that, my whole body is hot and I feel sluggish…)
Azel: Poor you. But you owe me money.
Azel: If you could pay it all off at once, you wouldn't have to run errands…
Azel: But you can't, can you?
(That smile… It's infuriating.)
Azel lets go of my hand and offers me a folded piece of paper.
I reluctantly accept it and check the contents. My head swims as I see a long list of items written in illegible handwriting.
Emma: Living God, are you aware? I'm not in a position to walk around town freely right now.
Emma: Whether I'm working as a book merchant or running errands in town…
Emma: I have about ten people following me, including guards and attendants.
Emma: Everyone stares at me, and tourists who mistake me for a celebrity call out to me…
Azel: That's not my concern.
Azel: Those attendants and guards cannot enter the temple without my permission.
(That's right… That's why this is the only place I can take refuge.)
Even though I pleaded with him after making a difficult decision, Azel doesn't seem to care.
Azel: I don't care if you're exhausted, so just go quickly.
Emma: …Then I guess there's no dinner for today.
Emma: I can't cook if I'm tired, so it's a shame.
Azel: Then how about cooking before you go to town? That solves everything, doesn't it?
Emma: …You evil God…
Azel: You're incorrigible, increasing your debt again with slander?
(He always has a retort…)
As I clench my fists tightly, Azel suddenly looks away.
It's not that he's averting his eyes from me, but rather that he seems to have noticed some presence.
(...Is someone coming?)
I can see a figure in the distance amidst the swirling sand.
As soon as the figure sees Azel, they kneel and bow their head.
Azel: It's rare for you to enter here, Izzet.
Izzet: The High Priest requests your presence, Lady Emma.
Emma: …The High Priest?
(If I remember correctly… He's an authority figure on par with the King and the Living God…)
There's only one reason why someone of such high standing in Tanzanite would summon me.
I gasp, and at almost the same time, Azel places his hand on my head.
Azel: If he has business with her, he should come here himself.
Azel: I'd like him to know his place.
.
.
.
Chapter 6
If you’d like to support my translations, feel free to buy me a coffee here! :)
#ikepri translations#ikemen prince translations#azel#azel radwan#azel radwan main route#ikemen prince azel radwan
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NSFW! Devour Me -Teldryn Sera x Serana Volkihar
@t00thpasteface it is done! I tried to emphasis Serena's vampire-ness so let me know if it comes through! Wish I made it more monster-fucking but alas, there's always next time. We did keep the Femdom overtones tho
Words: 2k
“So you’re here with the vampire?”
Teldryn finished his sujamma, placing the jar in front of him on the bar, before answering Geldis’s question.
“I’m here with my current employer yes”
Geldis’s eyes dart over to the sultry figure in the corner, Serana is laughing with some of the other patrons of the Retching Netch. In between conversations she briefly looks at him before making her eyes to Teldryn, her tongue swiping across her bottom lip.
“Have you seen the way she looks at me?” Teldryn says.
“Like she wants to crack you open like a fine bottle of wine.”
“Ah, so you have noticed” He laughs at this, like becoming the prey of a bloodsucking monster is normal. His friend was always one for danger but even this was a bit much for him.
“Don’t you worry my friend, I can handle myself.” Although originally he was afraid of his vampiric companion, to the point where he was considering learning to sleep with his eyes open, this fear had subsided into something else. Vampires were wretched creatures but the danger made her all the more enticing. She was plenty attractive as is, with silky dark hair and her dry sense of humour; but it was when the hunger took hold that really drove him crazy. Her red eyes wide, mouth gaping and growling -no something far more primal than growling- admitting from her. Watching her feast on rats, deer, the occasional traveller, left the dunmer both in fear and awe.
By Azura, I wish that were me.
“Here she comes” The barkeep said, snapping Teldryn back to the present from his thoughts. Serana walk up to where they are at the bar.
“Hello Geldis” she says, looking at Teldryn instead.
“Greetings outlander, I suppose I have you to blame for taking my friend away”
Serana laughs, eyes never leaving her hired companion.
“We’ll be on the island for a few weeks, going to go digging in a few dwemer ruins before heading back to Skyrim.”
“Ah dwemer ruins, forgive me if that doesn’t sound enchanting.”
“It’s a lovely challenge, although not much of a challenge for one of my talents” Teldryn says, entering the conversation. Though, with Serana’s eyes staring into his soul, he can’t help but feel Geldis is the outsider in this discussion.
Geldis senses this too and adds “the rooms on the end are yours for the next two nights” before excusing himself. Teldryn nods at Geldis and turns his attention to Serana.
“So boss, what’s the plan for the rest of the evening?”
“Well the night is still young and the drinks are still flowing, I say we enjoy ourselves for the time being. The ruins will certainly be less than inviting.”
“I’ll drink to that” The mercenary laughs, about to flag Geldis down again for another round.
“Oh yes, I have something for you, a bit of a bonus for handling that bear attack outside of Windhelm.”
“Oh, do you now?”
“Follow me” she says, making her way down the hallway to their rooms. Teldryn gets up from his seat, following close behind.
Once inside he remarks “so what kind of bonus are we talking about here? You’ve already given me more than enough-”
Teldryn closes the door, turning back to look at her, yet again she is staring at him. Teldryn notices her eyes are wide, her mouth agape -the hunger.
Serana closes the distance between them, all but pinning him against the door.
“I’m hungry Teldryn.”
“Are you now?”
“I don’t think rats are going to suffice this time.” She moves her arms up to his neck, with one hand caressing his cheek, a finger trailing down his neck. She is taller than him, towering over him while the lights of the room illuminate her face. Serana is a vision, ancient and primordial, powerful. Teldryn felt his pants tighten and despite the fridge temperatures of her hand, he found himself becoming unbearably warm.
“I know you’ve seen how I look at you, like I want to suck you dry, eat you alive”
Teldryn dawns a dark smile “Then devour me darling”.
Serana wastes no time sinking her fangs deep into his neck, the contact making him yelp out of a mix of pain and pleasure. She does not nip or suck the skin, but rather plunges into a large artery, quickly drawing blood. At her hunger being satisfied, she lets out a deep, guttural moan. At this sound Teldryn moans even louder.
“Fuck”
Teldryn brings a hand to her head, holding her closer to his neck, lightly running his fingers through her hair as he deals with the intense sensation crossing through him. She is messy in her feeding, he feels blood begin to drip down his neck and under his armour before she growls and gestures for him to remove it. He does so without question, stripping it away until he’s bare from the waist up. She dives back in, this time leaving the open wound on his neck and licking the stray blood that’s begun to run down his clavicle. Upon returning to his neck proper, Serana sucks the sensitive skin around the wound, before closing it up with her spit.
Teldryn looks up at her, eyes still wide and blood, his blood, dripping down her face. He grabs the front of her armour, pulling her lips into his. She meets his enthusiasm, running her tongue on his bottom lip to ask for entrance, which he grants more than willingly. Tasting his own blood is not something he ever expected to do but fuck if it didn’t make him feral. The burnt rust taste was rather pleasant and he felt pressure continuing to build in this cock, the organ desperate to be touched. As he lowers his hand to palm at himself through his far-too-tight pants, Serana breaks their kiss and replaces his hand with hers. Undoing the laces of his pants and freeing him, grasping around him firmly, she begins to move her hand up and down his shaft.
“Fuck” Teldryn manages to say in between moans “maybe I shouldn’t be te one paying you.”
Serana chuckles darkly “No need for payment, just be good for me, you do that for me can’t you?”
All he does is moan obscenely, at this moment there’s nothing he wants more than to be good for her. A woman so dark and sublime, dangerous and strong, is currently jacking him off and he’ll do anything to keep it that way. Her touch is electric and unlike anything he’s ever felt before. Teldryn was no stranger to lovers, but none had been as magnetic as her. He wondered now, drunk on her touch, intoxicated by the pleasure, if she feared the sun because she knew she was far, far more radiant.
It’s when she returns to his neck, the biting and moaning accompanying her touch, that he knows he’s at his end.
“Can’t, can’t take much more”
Serana takes her lips off his neck for a brief second to utter “then come for me”. The filthiest moan leaves Teldryn’s lips as she pleasures him through his orgasm, her hand rasping tighter and he winds down from it.
Breathing heavily, he mumbles “That, that was, you were-”
Serana kisses him to stop him mid-sentence.
“Oh I’m not done with you yet.”
Now it is Teldryn’s eyes that are wide, before he narrows them and follows her as she leads him to the bed. Shoving him onto it, he takes a moment to remove the remainder of his clothing, tossing it to the side. It is not long before her’s joins his on the floor, her boots slumped against the end table. She stands over him, pale skin nearly glowing as he takes in her entirely. Serana climbs on top of him, towering over him once again and gives his cock a few strokes, not needing much to get him fully erect again.
“What do you want?” she asks.
“You, oh fuck, you” he answers.
Serana laughs again, sinking into him and moaning loudly as she is filled by him.She is cold but its not unpleasant, her cool body meeting his warmth creates a new sensation that leaves him lightheaded. Teldryn has abandoned any of the already little dignity he has left to cry out “By Azura, fuck”
The vampire begins to ride him, head thrown back and breasts moving in time with her movements. Teldryn reaches up to grasp them, pulling, gently, at her nipple. Upon hearing her low moan, he moves up closer to her, enough to put it in his mouth. His tongue laps at the soft skin surrounding it, before he plunges his teeth into her. This causes a growl to come from Serana and in a brief moment of clarity Teldryn thinks so she likes to be bitten back. He continues his ministrations on her breasts, biting and fondling as she grinds harder on him. Not wanting to be a selfish lover, he moves his hands down to her centre, giving her clit a few experimental touches in order to find out what she likes. Circling her clit with two fingers causes her to tense around him, obtaining a deep, feral sound from both of them.
“Keep moving just like that, oh you're so good aren’t you”
This woman is going to take his soul right out of his body, her praise just spurs him on, continuing the same motion only harder. Serana’s legs begin to shake and her orgasm washes over her. Now it’s her turn for a filthy moan and Teldryn is sure Geldis and the other patrons have heard but right now he doesn’t care. He just made this vision of a woman finish and he is going to drink in the memory of her coming undone on top of him.
“Oh so strong, you’re so strong and you make me feel so good” Teldryn hums happily at this, Serana comes down from her high, climbing off him to sit on the edge of the bed, grasping his cock.
“Can you come for me again, you look so delicious when you do”
Teldryn swallows, before answering “Yeah I can, I can for you, oh” she rides him, studying how his face contorts in pleasure as she moves up and down his shaft, the dark purple veins pulsating. He closes his eyes to just focus on the feeling, he doesn’t want it to end just yet and he fears if he looks at her too long that’ll be it. He feels her thumb on his slit, before a long, wet, lick forces his eyes open. Teldryn sees her licking along the underside of his cock, her eyes staring at him both asking for his pleasure and letting him know she’s in charge. He feels spent and Serana can tell by the way his legs have begun to shake. She sits back up, once again looking down on him.
“Come”
And he does, thrusting into her hand and crying out a string of obscenities.
“Fuck, fuck, by the three! Oh you’re so gorgeous, fuck you make me, oh fuck”
As he comes down from his second orgasm of the night, Serana grabs a cloth from the end table and cleans up. He whines a bit at her cleaning him up, more of a reaction from being overstimulated. After they are both clean, Serana lays down beside him, tracing his tattoos as he hums quietly, grateful for her gentle touch.
“That was certainly a bonus” he speaks first.
“I couldn’t help myself, from when I first saw you without your helmet I wanted to know what it would be like to skin my teeth into you. To know what you tasted like” Serana says, staring at him, although now her hunger is quenched, only lust remaining in them.
“Maybe next time I can taste you instead” He meets her half-lidded gaze.
Before she can respond, they hear a knock at the door.
“She didn’t hurt you, did she Teldryn?” The slightly panicked voice of Geldis responses.
“He’s fine Geldis” Serana laughs.
“More than fine” Teldryn adds.
“Definitely more than fine” he says, this time in a whisper only loud enough for them to hear.
#fanfic#skyrim#skyrim fanfic#skyrim fanfiction#teldryn sero#serana volkihar#teldryn#serana#teldrana#I can do this yet I can't do my assignment#this effort is great girl why don't you channel it into a job or something#OR MAYBE YOUR GRADUATE PROGRAM#nahhhhhh#only writing smut
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Good morning, Sleepyhead.
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#lan wangji#'WWX was asleep for 4 days' is an incorrect factoid.#The average WWX sleeps for 8 hours. The PD-MDZS WWX who was asleep for 40 comics and 4 months is an outlier.#We are back to present day! I have missed drawing them!#Ah...the contrast between how the flashback ended (cold and distrustful) to how wwx wakes up (warm and watched over)...#The gap between the past and present is very important. Not just in this story but in our lives too.#The past can still hurt and it doesn't just go away with time as some say. It is the power of realizing that things have changed.#We can't get the good back. The bad memories have concluded. Those live somewhere else now.#It is hard to realize that you have to live for today and tomorrow. The past is so loud.#For WWX it is realizing that despite the mistrust in the past - He really does have faith that LWJ will be there for him.#It is the reflection of knowing that you changed and will keep changing and that change is good and kind sometimes.#But more importantly...and this I really do mean with all my heart:#It will all end up okay in the end. Even after the worst day. The most painful losses. You will get through it.#What feels like a breaking point is truthfully just another step you have to take. You'll get through it even though it feels like the end.#There are wonderful things you have yet to see. Friends you have yet to meet.#Even if it hurts so badly...one day it just aches. Someday you'll go a few weeks not remembering that it ever hurt.#Oh and because my izutsumi comic revealed many people were in need of hearing this:#You are loved. Right now. You are so loved right now. We just forget to tell each other that.#Go tell the people you love that they matter to you. I'm assigning you homework!!! You are graded on completion.
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it was just going to be a few warmup doodles but then she infected the rest of the page like the ever eternal and spreading spores. hod!!! hod. hod :)
#lobotomy corporation#lobcorp#hod#hod lobcorp#lobotomy corp spoilers#I GUESS i almost forgot i drew her box form#lobcorp spoilers#and michelle actually. ..#both very tiny. itty bitty. microscopic#other sephirah there too as normal. i cant have her alone. and Angelina as well on the top patting her#i have a hard time fully capturing her for some reason. in my mind. maybe its because is the disconnected period!!! mentally#she genuinely wishes to care and be kind yet theres a dissonance with what she does..? or how it ends up being taken or what she does to en#up bringing those actions into reality. she can be forceful? wanting to have employees attend therapy sessions and meetings for suppression#tactics. which i think is also something the safety team is incharge of iirc. so that means shes doing way more that what she needs to on#her job as a sephirah. just for the sake of employees#she really does care as shes one of the only to Directly attempt to change their circumstances and quality of life and health#sure chesed doesnt punish employees when they dont do their work assigned or stress them out with work#but he doesnt actively push to attempt to make changes to aid employees besides the research perks which is to the manager#yesod IS right next to her and does also genuinely care but when it comes to employees hes distant at best when it comes to them and the#way he tries to protect them is by enforcing rules but he doesnt really create or attempt to help them like hod does#yesod is sort of a passive? way of doing it. yes he doesn make a push to enforce said rules but he doesnt make new ones. just follows what#is already there in place. hod tries to make new ways and not just for the safety of people like how yesod's has them physically fine and#not letting them over a certain threshold of mental corruption but she tries to have a program to Directly Address such a thing#its born out of care but the genuine worry of being a good person and her naivety ends up having it do more harm than good#sure there may be some employees that actually like and find it useful but so many are just accepting to their fate of Dying to where#her care seems pointless. shes a sephirah and to them a literal metal box why would they go ahead and feel bad for what an 'ai' is feeling#as she is interrupting their free time in the company#which is rude. and shit. iirc the counseling is compulsory but people go because shes a sephirah and their superior. the thought was there#but again it comes off wrong and ends up not working because shes their superior in the end#EEK!!! yeah... hod. the hod. there is WAY more but i can't fit it all here and i already typed enough
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wanna ask how you feel about the eridan bpd headcanon/theory(?? not sure what to call it!) you're so good at your character analysis and i'd love to see your outlook on it
Since I don't have a degree or any formal training in psychology, I feel deeply uncomfortable diagnosing characters. I've made an autism joke before but only because I'm on the spectrum. He's definitely traumatized and anxious, but I mean those as descriptors of his behavior rather than capital-D Diagnoses. I try to focus on those when I can - the cause and effect of cognition, self-image, and behavior - and those factors may very well match up with DSM criteria, but I try not to touch an actual diagnosis with a ten foot pole unless the author has explicitly stated that X character has Y condition.
#there's a variety of reasons for this#part of it is that im GROSSLY unqualified to be handing out diagnoses when it takes a full on PhD to do that in real life#part of it is that psychology is inchoate and we are still very much in murky waters#for example: complex ptsd isn't even IN the DSM yet#and iirc my therapist told me it was because theyre still figuring out how to classify it (attachment disorder? trauma disorder? etc.)#part of it is that (from my limited and undereducated understanding) there are diagnoses that you can assign by completing a checklist...#but some that require a hell of a lot more testing and ruling out other potential causes#and the cluster-b personalities are (IIRC) not even ones you're supposed to diagnose minors with#bc of fears of self fulfilling prophecy and because minors in general are still developing personalities In General#and like the fact that i can't say that with authority speaks to how unqualified i am to do any diagnosing right? hahaha#and part of it is just because like#unless the story is specifically About That and the author has stated so explicitly#i think diagnosing characters tends to put blinders on analysis#like if i were to seriously go 'eridan is autistic' then it would massively bias my reading and understanding of his character#and we have 0 indication that eridan was ever explicitly intended to be autistic or that the author was trying to do an autism specifically#that doesn't mean that the reading is invalid because like thats what death of the author means#all readings are technically valid including stuff the author didn't necessarily intend#but that's just not the way i like to engage with media and not the way i like to approach character analysis#because PERSONALLY it just feels kind of reductive - but also -#i'd wager MOST of us don't have degrees in psychology#so when i say 'X character has Y condition' it might mean something totally different to somebody reading my analysis#even people who have Y condition aren't exempt because a lot of mental illnesses differ from person to person#whereas if i explain “X character has Y thoughts and Z behaviors” there's no ambiguity in that#eridan struggles with noticing that people are suffering and with realizing that he should care#at least part of this is due to his horrific murder-filled upbringing which rendered empathy a detriment & so he learned to ignore it#it could be autism - but it could also be trauma -#or he might just be Like That without actually meeting the diagnostic criteria for autism#& you can't even technically be diagnosed with C-PTSD#or maybe he has a burgeoning personality disorder but you aren't supposed to DX those too early anyway#or maybe hes just 13. see what i mean hahaha. ive reached the 30 tag limit
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one fucking assignment huh.
#SO NOTHING CHANGED EH#WE LEARNED NOTHING FROM THE LAST 4+ YEARS NOW EH#FUCKING#WHY#I had my notebook I was paying attention as best I could#and yet this slipped#god damnit.#this is ONE SEMESTER#I can do it I have to I can do this#I need to dang it#two weeks in and one class at 50% god. what the hell me#just for one second. just for one second you cna't even be more responsible and look at what assignments you have due#BUT NO#it's pokemon videos and watching shows with your little sister and animatics#MY MOM ASKED ME#SHE SPECIFICALLY ASKED ME IF I HAD ANYTHING LEFT OVER#AND I THOUGHT I DIDN'T#god.I just.#I thought I was getting better#unfortunately no. I still get distracted. I still zone out. I can't fucking tell when i have a thing to finish#just posting
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it's 2am im still not even close to be done yet 🙂
#french assignments are the WORST#les gars c'est une dinguerie j'arrive toujours pas à fair un ptn de commentaire de texte 😭 c'est trop#idk what i'm gonna do i'm blocked i literally don't know what to do this is HELL to me okay i want to cry#urghhhggh#oh and i just rembembered i have yet another assignment to do 🙂#can someone just kill me please#GUYS I HAVE TO WAKE UP IN THREE HOURS WHAT IS THAT#might as well just pull an all nighter#i wish i could not go to school tmrw omg#please#im so so sick of this i can't continue i'm still working on my draft and it sucks anyway#i don't know how to do this text analysis it's crazyyyy i just urghhhh my brain is all fogged up#this is horrible#my candle is running out too#j is rambling
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My life is definitely falling apart a month early. It was supposed to happen after the semester ends, not WHILE is ending
#I don't have time to be miserable right now#why can't my body hold it for the next three weeks so I can do my assignments without feeling sick every five minutes#i don't have time for this#I always end burnt out from college#last year was the same#may came and I was sick for like three weeks#burn out to my bones#but may is not ending yet#I cant be sick now#can the world stop till I'm better so my grades dont suffer from this?#ari talks
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imagine actually making measurable progress on your wips...finishing them even...works that are no longer 'in progress'
#guys I can't write#like I can write when I do it it's good actually I just can't do it that often#on the one hand...the ''forcing myself to produce'' energy is getting all used up by#*checks notes* literally everything else in my life#but even when the stars align and I do have both time and energy#I am SO SLOW#and yet I am the KING of ideas fr#but they are wasted on me because I'm never going to be able to get around to them#anyway I've finished literally ONE short story in my whole life#not counting the one that was a school assignment in sixth grade#and it's like ''oh okay maybe writing isn't for you then''#listen I am thinking about these stories every day of my life#and it's like. my favorite part of being myself#but in conclusion something is wrong with me ig#like seriously how do you guys do it how are you writing more than like 12k a year#I keep saying maybe when I'm done with school it will be different but sadly I don't think that will come to pass#and like all the advice is like ''everyone has time in their schedule you just have to prioritize writing''#as if I haven't been hanging on by my fingernails since high school#like seriously I'm inordinately busy rn but that's not even the problem#but idk what the problem IS#it's not like I'm stuck bc of a particular wip either bc I've switched and written different things#idk I need to get better habits#but it's hard to devote headspace to that when life is a treadmill set to a speed that I'll just never be fast enough for
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I hate everything but my writing most of all
#it's so terrible#i just want this stupid story to be done#we weren't even supposed to have a creative writing assignment in this class#the professor randomly added it a week ago#it's not on the syllabus#second time they've pulled this shit actually#i'm so tired#this semester has gone on for years#i just want it to be done so i can go home#my advisor's sending me notes on my thesis and i just can't deal with any of this anymore#i have to write an essay this weekend on a book i really couldn't care less about#i'm just so tired#i feel like i broke weeks ago#and yet i'm still here for some stupid reason#i can't do this for five more weeks#i'm so sick of it#college things#delete later
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i always know i’m getting stressed when my comfort fic becomes “time travel fix-it” adjacent. like honestly when i put that tag back in the ao3 include filters that should have been a red flag.
#i also know i'm getting stressed because i'm starting to do quirky shit#like naming one of my wip documents 'the inside of my head sounds like screaming'#plus i just. have the insatiable urge to DO SOMETHING but that something is none of the things i can think of to do#even the unproductive ones. even the productive ones. it's not that. i need to DO SOMETHING but my body and mind can't decide on what#i'm running out of time. i have a deadline. the deadline has always been tangible and yet somehow it never was.#i have an exact date and somehow that's still nebulous and ephemeral#i am so tired#how do i convince someone i'm hireable when sometimes i'm still trying to convince myself#like i would love to tell these people that i am a WHIZ i am a GODSEND like if i don't know how to do it point me at the documentation#like i'd love to tell them all of that but the minute i look at a job application suddenly i'm questioning everything i thought i Knew#like i'm handed a school assignment and i'm like yes. this i can do. idc. it'll be done and i'm gonna get a damn A#why is this different. like literally why would it be that different. they say 'do this thing' and then i do the fucking thing.#that's life. that's work. that's what i've been told. why am i so scared. why am i not sure i can do it.#like i CAN do it that's what we've been fucking preparing for#i have As!!! As!!!!! they emailed me about graduating with distinction!!!!#i wasn't even trying that fucking hard!!!! this is my normal tryhard!!!!!#why am i so scared a job won't want me. when they're asking for fresh faced college grads.#i'm so tired. i have a headache. i am so afraid. i just need a job. literally one.#i am so scared of the mess i am going to become once i cross that stage#i am so. terrified. i wish i could anticipate graduation like everybody else in my design project.#the future has teeth. and my only option rn is just. bite it first. but i don't think i've ever been that violent.#i'm not ready#i am so scared#not kpop#shut up vic#negativity
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I think That Woman is genuinely trying to kill me
#you know what she said to me today?#'well. since you suck at writing essays and I'm sure you don't want to write a test. how about a creative assignment?#remember that project idea you suggested? do that. right now. sit and rewrite a chapter of War and Peace in your reimagining'#and like... first of all. bold of you to assume I remember any particular chapter well enough to rewrite it#even all separate events mashed together. because that's what happens when YOU MAKE ME READ 1200 PAGES IN THE SPAN OF THREE WEEKS#but okay. fine. I was allowed to look up references. maybe any other person could have managed something#but second of all. my only reference for the vibe I'm supposed to be going for is ONE BOOK THAT I READ TWO DAYS AGO#PLUS I HAVE ZERO KNOWLEDGE OF THE ACTUAL HISTORICAL EVENTS BECAUSE WE SKIPPED OVER IT IN CLASS#AND THIRD OF ALL. THE WORST THING. IS THAT I CAN'T JUST SIT DOWN AND WRITE#NOT WITHOUT PREPARATION. NOT WITHOUT AT LEAST A VAGUE IDEA OF WHAT I'M GOING FOR#AND NO. 'IMAGINE NATASHA ROSTOVA AS A KOMSOMOLKA' ISN'T AN IDEA. IT'S SOMETHING I COULD DRAW WITH REFERENCE PICTURES#BUT NOT WRITE. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT KIDS DID IN THE KOMSOMOL. THE VLKSM WAS DISBANDED BEFORE MY MOM COULD BE A PART OF IT#and I know it's stupid. I know I shouldn't be upset over not being able to do something I wasn't prepared for#and it's fine!! I was allowed to take it home!! I can come up with something in the privacy of my apartment#where That Woman won't be hanging over me. judging my every move#it's fine. it's literally fine#I know it is. so why am I so damn upset??#I guess.. failing at writing has become such a huge trigger for me that even when it comes to tasks absolutely nobody–#could manage without prior preparation... I just break down if I fail#it took everything in me not to break down crying in front of her. even though I really really wanted to#because first of all I do not trust her at all and don't want to be vulnerable in front of her#and second of all. how could I possibly explain 'oh yeah failing at writing makes me extremely suicidal bc I'm fucked in the head'#'and yet I won't quit because I'm s fucking masochist who likes being miserable apparently'#and I was doing so well writing wise before this... NSND is almost 16k words long and I didn't have a fit over it once#I managed over 8000 words over the weekend translating Tomorrow was the War and actually ENJOYED doing it#I don't enjoy writing. it was.. almost thrilling. to like the process#now I don't want to do anything at all#what's the point if I can't even handle a simple school assignment?#it's not her fault I'm a fucking crybaby who can't indulge in a hobby without becoming hysterical#I should've quit writing after AIDIB like I wanted to. maybe then none of this would've happened. maybe then I wouldn't feel like such a POS
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I hate
#school can die#when I get adhd meds it is over for you hoes#I can't go two seconds trying to do homework without getting distracted or just full stop zoning out#but hey#I have yet to fail a class#even though I am thiiiis close to failing one right now#I can do it gang#even though the chances of me getting a good grade on my final and/or the assignment I just submitted are slim to none#and it pisses me off cause the teacher isn't even a professor#and yet he wants to act like he knows what he's doing#giving me#who's supposed to be the smart kid#multiple Fs#is absolutely diabolical
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I don't think you can actually tell the difference between someone having a legimate issue or difficulty completing work vs someone 'just being lazy' that easily actually.
#Sorry sorry lots of talk about group work today and everyone's a fucking struggler who's basically doing it solo or whatever#And that topic of conversation has always made me feel Bad because I've always had trouble keeping up the pace at which most people work#It's part of the reason I tend to leave stuff so late because i get scared and then work all the time no breaks.#It always disclaim it's gonna take me about 5x longer to do work most people can probably complete in an hour#Because I get very stressed and I'm a perfectionist and my brain is weird and overthinks everything ever#I have not yet found any solution to this issue. I am convinced there isn't one except leaving it all to the last week and using the panic#To pull all nighters every other day. To get it done#But I can't fucking. Do that if out progress is logged on a repo... Thinking ahead to out next assignment#I've already had the hard talk with my friends about it and they where all very nice to me but I still feel bad a bit#And I'm glad they know it's not because I don't care I care so hard it fucks me up to the point where it gets really difficult asdfhdhd#But idk sometimes people will bring examples up of one of their teammates 'clearly just being lazy and not caring enough' and it's just#Something I can fall into doing as well. So like. I don't think it's that easy to tell actually#Like I get if it's a pattern then you kinda have to intervene because yknow it's a grade you need to get#I hope if I ever fall so bad I stop working that my friends would pop in to ask me if they could help. But people are very. Mean about it#Idk where I was going with this I just wish I was better than I am I guess. Aughhh#I should go to bed <<< feels bad as fuck because they got nothing done today#android.txt
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