#when I get adhd meds it is over for you hoes

[thatrandomlemononyourcounter1]

I hate

[shreddeddescent]

Once I get ADHD and depression meds that work it’s fuckin over for you hoes and by that I mean I’ll read your fic all the way through

I wanna read it and comment and kudos it but I’m so so so tired and have a shitty brain that hates working 🫠

YOUREEEE SO FINE DONT WORRY ABT IT i feel bad that its so fucking long it never felt that long when it was on my phones notepad shjkdgajkhh

i feel you though i hope you get meds that work that sounds stressful <3

[rottytops]

i definitely think the adhd medication (successfully) rewired my brain and made me seek out long term goals over short term pleasure like i have been literally my entire life so now my current goals are to unfuck my credit to move away from my shitty roomies, get my new car and actually get into an ltr lmao

SUPRISINGLY ENOUGH 2 of these 3 goals are either in progress or very obtainable ive been saving a tunna cash and i can get a new car next month after i get my license renewed and ive found this cute little studio that i can maybe move into if i get help co-signing it, then ill just camp out there until my loans are paid off in 50000 years

the last one though.,,,,its so weird. the like. burning fervor to date someone long term kinda slugged me in the back of the head! ive always WANTED a nice relationship but it was never a PRIORITY to me bc i had video games or whatever. these new feelings made me realize ive been living my life like. entirely for myself which is FINE but my standards for myself (combined with how ADHD made me content with literally anything as long as it was easy) make me like. gutter trash tier as a partner, i think. essentially as i am now, unless the other person is equal parts deranged and shitty, im utterly unlovable which is like. tough tits i guess. but if im honest about it i can at least try to change it. part of me is conflicted; if i have to change myself to become more datable, is the person really dating me, or am i just creating a false persona to get conditional love. its a scary thought but at the same time im not really changing MYSELF past getting in shape and taking care of my skin, its more im giving up on being a dopamine addicted manchild and getting my own apartment. with my own car and stuff...these are actually just completely normal goals to have and i already wanted them i just kinda have new motivation for it lmao!

you cant just force a relationship and theres no way im attracting the hoes to me in my shitty room, so i think i need to??? go??? outside??? and hang out with ppl??? utterly mortifying but when i get my car next month i think i can actually do that. id like to make more irl friends as well, i had a bunch of friends in college so. i guess ill go to more smash locals or something but outside of that sigh sigh i have no idea.

these major revelations have all hit me in like the past 2 weeks, since i started my medication and the dosage was upped, i have a lot of work to do and not that much time to do it, really!!!! i hope i can become someone like. worth keeping around in a few months time...!!! the pieces are there i just need to like, put them together....



i could write a whole thing on how mad i am that it took me so long to get medicated and how fast i became a Normal Person after being on meds but like idk that line of thinking doesnt help anybody...!! i accomplished so much even with my debilitating ADHD and now i can do so much more with a mindset that can actually handle the shit neurotypical people expect me to be able to do, considering how im literally good at everything, combined with how ive managed to survive this long with almost no real help from irl people (seriously ive gotten more assistance from my online friends than literally anybody in my family both financially and emotionally) means that me WITH medication is gonna go absolutely insane. im going to be like ultra rich this time next year, probably LMAO....or at least have a boyfriend AURHUFG



anyway if u read this for some reason i love u and also give me ideas on going out and meeting people, i think i can hold a conversation just fine but where do people even GO. do you guys think ppl at bars or whatever know about disgaea. hmmm.

[kdipshit]

Well I Got The Thing I Needed, I Guess…

I have to learn to do everything my own way, as doing something with someone else’s perspective is just not possible. I have to be difficult all the time huh…

My body stays the same even tho it feels like my brain switches. Perspectives change. Beliefs. Realisations. Like the person I was 1 hour ago was dark and gloomy and quick to anger. irritated. But BPD irritation. I wanted to turn into a tornado and rip thru my entire house taking everyone up in it. Lol. Jk. But fr… and the person I am now is nothing like that. I don’t even think that way at all, why would I even want to it sounds like a war zone over there. Lets remember the parts of ourselves that occupy the body when the body is feeling so dark. She’s still us. Thats still me. Lol how do I say that? Im still me. Thats better. Im so sick of these walls in my brain keeping me from the other sides of myself, I can’t stay in the dark space for very long without scratching my way out. And its painful. Am I supposed to stay in that feeling until it passes? Coz sometimes it feels like it doesn’t fucking end, so I grab my bong and then I’m better. But weed is limited. Sometimes I think ill be better if I was just on the right meds. Im still very upset about my psych trip. And it makes me feel so discouraged to even continue trying…. But. I will keep trying. As long as I have weed to lean on, I’m straight as. But I’m not ignoring the darkness by trying to feel better. I can look at it in another perspective. I gotta do better. I gotta do better. The bruised knuckles do give me character tho. I should message A more quickly next time, she really did an amazing job at switching my perspective, its like she knows exactly how to talk to me. Im so grateful.

+ the weed makes me write better. Its easier to write down the thoughts… I found myself sounding like my hippie ass aunty telling my little sister that thoughts become things lol. Its such a shame that I’m actually crazy because no one really believes me lol. thoughts do become things tho, she was right, I just didn’t see the bigger picture, and I guess no one ever really will until they can for themselves. THANK YOU FOR PAIN. You give your shadow self love by learning how to thank the pain, and the hard journey, and the sleepless nights and teary eyes. Learning better methods, keeping yourself out of thought loops by treating every single day as brand new. Realising no ones got a problem with me lol. Im not a problematic person.

anyways…. Whats been going on wed chyall? Lol imagine all that trauma dumping and then I sip my tea. Your turn aunty. I’m always trine rush finish something because the act of doing something for too long freaks me out. Thats gotta be that ADHD hoe, which will be fixed if I fkn get my right meds bro wtf!!! D: like so much of my problems would be fixed if I just had the fun goddamn meds Jesus FUCK. Is it that hard around here? They think imma pill popper bro won’t even give me valium anymore, dogs. No fkn wonder why I’m smoking like smokey mother fucker, my shits al the way fucked up my boy. Give me the fucking pills lmaoooo. And up them anti-psychotics while your at it lmaoooo.

Does anyone else have conversations with other people in your head? Thats a normal thing right? Well the convos in my head are too quick to for me to write down, but they be having me fucked up on some different shit. I just did it, I just stopped a bad thought for manifesting bigger and replaced it with a better one AS SOON as it appeared. Sometimes I’m not quick enough and it catches me instead. I sat with myself today, I don’t even remember what I wrote in the ideation one. But I remember what mindset I was in, I’m curious to see how honest with myself I was. I can be honest with myself right now and day I don’t think I did good enough. There were times where I was thinking I really don’t wanna do this anymore. I forgot what I needed to remember, which was to redirect all go those feelings into positive ones, I know these things, but at some point, every emotion on peak feels the same, so I was historically crying on the way home, recklessly, because I forgot to remind myself, to switch the thought, look at everything else thats good, and setback or something super annoying happening is because your energy is needed elsewhere!! Butterfly effect, nothing in the end is bad. Its just a redirection, stop being so controlling, and let it be, let it flow, while you only control yourself, your reactions and your thoughts. Thoughts determine emotions, and emotions are my kryptonite.

The problem is my thought patter, and how it recycles the same 10-30 sentences over and over again. Some fkn crazy delulu, some that genuinely make sense cuz, and then the same normal other shit, right???? lol. Idk what I’m saying anymore but sometimes I ramble write (all the time) and I read it back and its dope as fuck and I actually make sense.

My poor knuckles are busted all because I knocked and no one answered. Well nah fuck, it was that, and then it was the non answered door last week too, its the non answered phone calls its the non answered emails like broooo. Should not be this hard to see a psychiatrist in my city I swear to god. Without weed I’m completely self destructive, I need to build my strength on my other positive coping mechanisms because typing really hurts. And I love to write. Self destructive me is very overwhelmed and unsure how to untangle everything so everything comes out as a big fat cry.

[stqnleybarber]

MODERN LOSERS CLUB HEADCANONS

(They’re all 16/17)

BILL

- Probably a gamer

- Unironically wears shirts with memes printed on them

- Still wears flannels but she wears them over shirts now because he is “””cool”””

- In a poly relationship with Stan & Richie

- They’re all very in love

- He’s like 6’1

- He’s salty because Stan is taller than him but we been knew

- Buts he’s happy because he’s 17 while Richie and Stan are 16

- He one said “I guess I’m your daddy” to Richie in referral to his age

- But then he realised how weird that sounded

- And just straight up walked away while all the other losers cackled

- Stan still brings it up

- Bill hates that

- Still has a hobby for writing

- But it spawned from writing overwatch fan fiction when he was 13

- It’s cursed as hell

- He studies English though because he still wants to be a writer

- In conclusion he’s a huge dorky meme and we love him

STAN

- He has a pet cockatoo

- Her name is Penny

- She was named that before Pennywise

- Luckily all the losers can laugh about it

- He plays baseball and is on the team

- He is a lot more laid back then he used to be

- He still gets uptight in stressful situations though

- He studies maths because he’s a smartass

- Very much in love with Richie and Bill

- He’s 6’2

- He holds that inch above Bill constantly

- He vibes very well with Mike

- They love to bond over their mutual love for animals

- He’s still sassy constantly

- His dry humour has earned him a lot of TikTok followers

- He’s unsure on how he feels about that

- He has 24.8k

- He thinks it’s not a lot but the other losers are bewildered

- Understandably

RICHIE

- Like fuck would he believe in gender roles

- Skirts and crop tops? Sign Richie up

- Best friends 5 ever with Bev

- Their friendship is so deep and pure no one can compete

- He runs a pretty popular YouTube channel

- It’s extremely chaotic

- The losers also frequently appear on the channel

- Some fan favourites are:

1. Yeah we gay, keep scrolling (Q&A with the loves of my life)

2. Where’s the billie eyelash glue (Richie & Bev try makeup)

3. I’m alfredo of spaghetti (Cooking with Eddie)

4. Lamb.. Why sheep are great (Stan Michael Hanlon)

5. HoUsE (Minecraft with Benny Handsome)

- He is 5’8 and not the slightest bit mad to be the shortest boyfriend

- He thrives off the attention

- Diagnosed with ADHD when he was 6

- His aesthetic is art hoe and he actually dressed pretty normally

- Thank you Bev

- In conclusion; He’s beautiful and we stan

BEV

- Fashion goddess

- She runs a very popular fashion tumblr blog

- She is beauty, she is grace, she will kick you in the face

- About 5’8 but definitely 5’10 in heals

- She’s definitely bi but very in love with Ben

- They’ve been dating for 4 years

- She’s 16 while Ben is 17

- Her crackhead energy is wild

- She’s pretty grudge but with pops of colour throughout

- As I said before

- FASHION GODESS

- She’s too powerful in her platform shoes

- She doesn’t smoke much anymore as she knows it worries Ben to no end

- Heterosexual power couple

- She studies fashion and dreams to become a designer

- But for now she’s happy with her fashion blog

- Let’s not forget she’d sell her soul for her boys any day of the week

- She also lives with her aunt who is lovely and adores all the boys

- Please stan Beverly Marsh

BEN

- Most loveable nerd on the planet

- Has a whole ass library in his bedroom

- Plays Minecraft too much to be humanly possible

- He just loves to build tho

- LET MY MAN BUILD DAMN

- He’s about 6’0

- He’s has a soft boy aesthetic

- The contrast between him and Bev is godly

- He plays on the football team with Mike

- He’s lost a ton of weight

- “Brazilian soccer player”

- He now has girls fawning over him

- But he’s head over heels for Bev and she knows it

- He’s the only straight loser so he constantly squares up to homophobes

- In the words of Richie, again

- “It’s so hot when Ben gets out his big manly muscles and tells Belch to fuck off”

- No matter how tough he looks he is still a huge puffball

- He’s actually pretty popular

- Everyone loves his friendly face

- Ben “Handsome” is pure and deserves the world, send tweet

MIKE

- Also relatively popular

- He’s attractive and friendly what more could you want

- That’s what all the pining girls say

- Too bad his heart belongs to the one and only Eddie Kaspbrak

- A unique, extremely athletic couple

- He’s about 6’2

- The height difference between Mike and Eddie

- Immaculate.

- Yet Mike is still the little spoon sometimes

- The losers have no idea how

- He has a heart of gold

- He’s still a huge history nerd

- Find him on wiki at 2 am reading about the history of the arctic

- That actually happened

- Eddie wasn’t sure how to feel

- Although he’s super friendly

- He has punched many a homophobe

- He loves the losers to much to see them get abuse like that

- Mike Hanlon owns a good 50% of my heart

- As he rightfully should.

EDDIE

- Trackstar Ed’s

- Once he realised all his meds were bullshit he rebelled against his mom

- Which led him straight to running track

- He loves the thrill of winning

- And the feeling of the wind blowing away all this problems

- He’s about 5’6 on a good day

- It’s painful

- He is still very feral and full of rage

- But in the best way possible

- He still reps the red running shorts

- Mike be like: 0//////0

- He’s a grumpy gremlin but he’s also very sweet

- The mixed messages are real

- His long angry rants have gained him quite the twitter following

- He says “okay boomer” too many times to calculate

- Stan has tried

- And failed

- In conclusion: Rabies

[conversationswithmybipolarchild]

#2: WHAT IS BIPOLAR DISORDER?

FELICITY: Bipolar disorder is a mental illness. Key word one: “illness,” meaning you are afflicted with it. Key word two: “mental,” it being a part of the brain. 

F: Mental health is as important as physical health. They are both very important, they go hand in hand. Bipolar disorder is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Whether or not it comes upon you after a traumatic event, or when puberty hits, or if it- if you show signs when you’re born, it doesn’t matter. it is all a chemical imbalance. 

F: You are born with it, no matter what. You can go...twenty five years without seeing any symptoms, simply because you never had anything to jumpstart your bipolar disorder. But, if you have bipolar disorder, were properly diagnosed with it...you were already born with it. It was already in your brain. 

F: Bipolar disorder is categorized by highs and lows in your mood. That’s why it’s called a mood disorder [edit: it can also be called a psychotic disorder]. Not just simple, everyday highs and lows like everybody has, it’s not just “oh, I feel sad today, it’s not just, “oh, I have a lot of energy.” It’s extreme. 

ANJA: That’s why they’re called poles. That’s why it’s bipolar disorder

F: Yes, it’s the two poles, the high and the low. 

A: The mania and the depression.

F: So mania, is when you...[trails off]...

A: It’s the high. 

F: It’s the high. Mania is the high, that means you have a lot of energy, you are very impulsive, can have a lot of aggression, rage, risky thoughts, risky behaviors.

A: Racing thoughts. 

F: Racing thoughts, absolutely. Nightmares, hallucinations, hypersexuality, violence, paranoia...

A: Also, I don’t think this is an official symptom, but coming from myself and a lot of other bipolar people, you get this feeling where you’re like, crawling in your own skin. 

F: Yeah. Definitely. I hear that one a lot. 

F: So, symptoms of a depressive episode is that you...well, you are depressed. Not just kinda sad, you feel really, really, down. When I’m depressed, and I have major depressive disorder, when I’m depressed I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to take a shower. I don’t want to get dressed, I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to be anything. 

A: There’s no motivation whatsoever. 

F: No motivation whatsoever. 

A: I don’t get depressive episodes very often because I have bipolar I, and I get manic more than I do depressed. I don’t really- I don’t have to worry about depression, unless I like, unless I have no stimulation in my everyday life. 

F: You have to stay busy in order to not get depressed. I’m the same way. If I don’t want to sit in that pit, I have to stay busy all the time. That’s why I’m constantly going, and going, and going, and doing, because if I just sit for more than a couple days, I’m in that pit and I don’t feel good. 

F: So, another symptom, another result, of bipolar disorder, is uh, suicide. There is a hefty suicide rate among bipolar people. That is- that is the worst part. And as a parent of a bipolar child, knowing the statistics around bipolar disorder and suicide, it’s enough to kickstart me into a depression. It is- it worries me. 

A: The, um, I’m not gonna say the only reason, but it is one of the biggest reasons why I didn’t try to kill myself when I was younger, was because I’m so afraid of death. Maybe not death, but what happens after it. 

F: To tell you the truth, me too. It absolutely terrifies me. 

F: So, some statistics from the NIMH, claim that 2.9% of thirteen to eighteen year olds have bipolar disorder, and eighty one percent of those kids have it severe. It’s bad enough to be hospitalized, and make their life really difficult. 

F: So I was reading earlier...about bipolar disorder, and someone asked the question, “can someone with bipolar disorder live a normal life?” And it says here, “people with bipolar disorder usually go ten years before being accurately diagnosed. Treatment can make a huge difference. It is a chronic health condition that needs lifetime management. Plenty of people with this condition do well, they have families and jobs and live normal lives.” So that ought to give you a little hope for the future. 

F: That’s...that’s the other thing. Meds...they are- in my opinion, they are a must. It’s beyond me how people aren’t medicated. 

A: I think it’s really funny how, um, how after I was diagnosed bipolar, the last thing you wanted me to do was be on meds. Now, we depend on it. We have to. There’s no choice. 

F: As you were growing up and you were being misdiagnosed all over the place, meds were the last thing on my mind. We tried every single thing else. We tried discipline, rewards, I tried diet changes, we tried all sorts of therapy, I tried changing the way that I parent! And none of it worked. 

A: Because you can’t just change those chemicals. Without medication. 

F: You can’t! Exactly. You can’t change those chemicals. Absolutely. I’m the same way with mine, my MDD. It doesn’t fix itself. I need medication to give me the right chemicals. To balance those chemicals in my brain. That is a must. 

F: So, we’ve talked about what bipolar is, now let’s talk about what it is not. It’s not learned. It’s not a discipline problem. It’s not something that you can beat out of a child, teach out of a child, train out of a child, It’s not something that’s going to go away. And it’s not something that’s just going to one day change. It’s an ever evolving illness...

A: But it’s always there. 

F: But it’s always there. And unless you’re treating it with therapy and medication, you’re fighting a losing battle. 

A: Chronic is the key word. 

F: Chronic is the key word. Bipolar disorder is a chronic illness. 

A: Which, that really scares me. Because I’ll have to live with this for the rest of my life. 

F: Let me tell you something. I’ve described severe depression as rain. Imagine you have to go out in the rain. And you have to change the tires on your car, you have to check your mail, you have to walk your dog, you have to go to work. You have to hoe your garden, mow your lawn. Daily things, but you have to do them in the rain. That’s what my brain is like every single day. I will always live doing everything in the rain. And that’s a daunting thing to think about. 

F: I can still do all those daily activities, but you know how when you go in the rain, everything’s just harder? And you’re just slightly more miserable doing them? That’s what it’s like with MDD, I’m constantly having to force myself to do things. And when I do them, I’m miserable. It’s harder for me. It’s harder for me to go take a shower than it is for other people. It’s harder for me to do things because it’s like when you’re out in the rain, everything’s just that much harder.

A: It’s like- I’ve said it before- but it’s like when you do anything, it would be much easier for a neurotypical person.   

F: It is much easier for a neurotypical person. They’re not fighting chemicals in their brain. 

A: They’re not fighting their own mind on a daily basis. 

F: Yeah! And I know that’s exhausting. I know your brain is tired. I know you’re tired. I know you are. But you can’t really think about it that way, because then you’ll get overwhelmed. I can’t think about how I will never not be in the rain. I can’t think about it...because that’s just gonna throw me back in that pit. And I can’t live my life, raise my kids, and take care of everything I need to take care of..if I’m in that pit. 

A: And it’s okay to be miserable. It’s okay to rest. 

F: As long as you don’t give up. I like Kevin Hines’s hashtag, #beheretomorrow. Today might not have been the best day, but as long as you’re here tomorrow, that’s what matters. 

F: Let’s touch on what bipolar disorder means for you- for us. What does bipolar disorder mean for you? 

A: I really hate to say this but...bipolar disorder is a part of me. And I can’t change that. I mean, sometimes I really wish I didn’t have bipolar disorder, but I don’t know what I would be without it. 

F: Absolutely. I completely agree with you. I feel the same way about myself. I don’t know who I would be. I don’t know who my father would have been, who my grandmother would have been, without mental illness. 

F: While I understand your sentiment, I think that because you’re medicated, and nobody else was, you are more you.

A: And less bipolar disorder. 

F: Yes! Exactly. When you were eight years old and running away and acting out, being violent and raging, I didn’t know who you were! I couldn’t buy you gifts, I didn’t know what you liked. I didn’t know your personality...all I knew was this child I couldn’t connect with. All I knew was this child that absolutely hated me. 

A: I was mostly bipolar disorder. 

F: One of the more prominent symptoms that you had was lack of motivation. Smartest kid ever, bad grades. It’s not that you didn’t know the work, you just didn’t turn stuff in. Soon as we got you on medication, that mostly changed. 

F: Super energy. 

A: Aggressive. Frustrated. 

F: Violent. Raging. Yeah, those were scary times. 

A: I had anger issues.

F: A lot. Yeah. You couldn’t focus on anything. I know a lot of that are symptoms of ADHD. 

A: Which is why I got misdiagnosed.

F: But its the hallucinations and the nightmares that sealed the deal. That turned things around. When we brought those up, it turned things around. That’s when the term “bipolar” came into play, and it fit. It fit you. 

F: I know that some of the symptoms in my family, that are or were mentally ill, were definitely instability. Never being able to stay put. Not being consistent. Inconsistency was huge.

A: Even me, now, medicated, I can’t stay on the same routine or the same surroundings for more than a month. I have to change something about my life, whether it be my room, or, hell, my Tumblr blog. There has to be something that changes. 

F: I agree. I’m the same way. I get very bored very easily.

F: Money! Money was a huge problem when I was growing up. You know, nobody could save. They would spend wildly. 

A: Money? You mean lack of!

F: Yeah. It was impulsive spending. That’s one of the bigger symptoms of bipolar disorder in adults. Impulsive spending. That was a huge one when I was growing up. 

F: My family was never very affectionate. They were always very distant. 

A: I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t affectionate.

F: Well, that’s the whole reason I am affectionate, is because I was starved as a child. I needed affection and I never got it. So, it was super important to me that I be an affectionate parent. I don’t know what I would do if I wasn’t affectionate either, because I thrive on being close to you guys. And I don’t want to raise you in the same situation. In an angry, distant, impulsive, unstable situation. I don’t want to raise you that way. 

F: So, what did we learn today?

F: That it’s a little scary.

A: It’s scary.

F: But it can be managed.

A: It can be managed.

F: And you’re doing a fantastic job. And I’m doing a fantastic job, and your team is doing a fantastic job. 

F: Do you remember the time we were standing outside Old Navy and you told me you wanted to buy a gun?

[blank stare]

[dspeak]

More on THE LIST

It won’t let me add more !!! {THAT’S ON THE LIST !!!}

‘No offense, but’

When soneonebtrstsbke like I’m a little kid and CAN’T POSSIBLY ADULT WITHOUT THRIR ADVICE ON EVERY MINUTE DETAIL

When gram check doesn’t pick up on something

When someone hears I have PTSD and MAKES. A. FACE. - SORRY YOU’RE TOO DUMB TO KNOW THAT IT’S NOT JUST FOR SOLDIERS 🤬🤬🤬

When someone triggers me and then gets mad at ME for yelling. Hold up, WHAT ?!

When I say something from one of my disabilities and someone tries to one up me {“you think YOU’RE tired?!”, ‘“How do you think MY feet feel ???”, “You think YOU can’t remember ?! I’m the same way !!!”

That I HAVE disabilitieS

When no matter what’s wrong, everyone blames it on your disability {mental, ADHD {but it usually IS bc of that, so thst Ike’s okay}, forgetting things, MS, anemia, low blood sugar, etc, etc, etc. 🤬🤬🤬

When you tell someone they’re triggering you and they roll their eyes, keep doing it, dismiss it, or the worst, say ‘HOW DO YOU THINK *I* FEEL ???’ Uh, I hdbent s clue how you feel, but would you please stop triggering my PTSD.

When someone tells you your love been ‘running all over people with your talking.’ Uh ... #1. When did this even become a phrase #2. Hoe can we UNmake it a thing ?! #3. Hdve you even read about the ADHD meds to help me make a decision ?!

When ... uggggg, thst quickly I forgot. 🤬🤬🤬 AND THERE WERE 2 !!!

[tokyoteddywolf]

Everyone is all over the Valentine's Day stuff.........

But, as today (in my timezone) is my grandpa's birthday, I'll probably have leftover cake to eat tomorrow!

Oh, and I've got chocolate money, thankfully! Tomorrow I'm taking Mum out to that little candy store off one of the main roads~ I haven't been there in years, but their chocolate was always excellent!

Well, only if I survive.......it happens to be student led conferences this week, and mine is in 2 hours.....my Mum is generally a forgiving person, but my grades haven't been good this year......as in I'm failing everything and it's kind of depressing, which kills my motivation, which makes me not want to do anything, which means my homework never gets done, therefore my grades go below passing. Vicious cycle, anyone?

At least Dad won't be there......he has this mean streak that when my grades suck, he constantly grumbles about me failing and brings it up every chance he gets, which irritates me. He's generally a nice, funny guy......until you tick him off. Mum says he's got a mean sense of humor, really. Short tempered too. If Mum is water, Dad is fire. Probably why they split. Well, not the main reason, but still. Dad has his nice moments, and I've even seen him cry, so he isn't completely heartless. He's better than he was when I was little, thankfully. (I'm still scared of getting injured and belts, and yelling at me is kind of triggering really. If someone moves towards me too fast, I either flinch or bolt away. Especially if it's your arm or hand.) But he doesn't do that anymore! I was just a really really aggressive child at school. I got in trouble a lot. I can clearly remember flipping a boy over my shoulder when he tried to bully me back in 4th grade. Dad taught me that move, and the cool thing is that the teachers all saw it as self defense since the kid pushed me first. His buddies also backed off after that. I think my childhood aggression stems from the fact that recent blood testing on me (they've taken 7 or so vials of blood from me already, and that's just from January til now! My inner elbow veins are gonna scar at this rate ;^;) showed that I have unusually high testosterone levels.

Maybe I've had it all my life, I dunno. They're still running tests at the labs over there, at the hospital. I take meds for it now, though my body has to get used to it and usually does so by kicking my emotions up to crazy out of control and ramping up my ADHD to the point I stumble over speaking rapidly because my mouth can't keep up with my thoughts anymore. Or makes me want to cry, which I hate doing because I don't like water and it gets in my mouth and it's icky and salty and makes my face hurt.

Oh boy. I just realized this post is all over the place like when I talk. ADHD is a garden hoe, I swear. I'm gonna stop confusing you people now and go back to looking at fanfics on AO3. So uh, bye! Sorry for the rant :| :/