#I asked a question about queerness to someone in a similar situation as me

[home-halone]

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[interstellarsystem]

Experiences With Being Out as a System

So, our parents know we're a system. It's all good, they understand that when we suddenly speak like someone from London that it's just another guy taking the body for a spin real quick and that they don't need to question it too much.

The thing is... They don't know our names, or anything about us as individuals. We don't have enough open communication with them to actually discuss the inner-workings of the hundreds of little guys in our brain and who they are or what they like, but even if we did, it's not actually important to them. It almost seems like it's swept under the rug.

Our mother said that she doesn't get why she should have to know anyone else when we're all "us". We're all just a collective to her still, a bunch of bits that make up her child, even though she knows we're separate. Her child, the original, isn't here anymore. But the thing is.. some of us want to get to know her and the family individually. Even beyond just being seen as who we actually are, we want to be a part of it aside from being treated as someone who is gone. But it's not a thing they understand despite our explanations of what it means to us, even despite the fact they know the original is dormant and has been for years.

The most anyone in our family knows about us is our mother, and she only knows anyone with a voice similar to Sark as "the american one". She doesn't know that there's even multiple who sound similar to him.

Technically, we're out as a system. Effectively, though... We're still closeted. Though not really because we're staying in it, moreso that we left but it follows us around like a shield within our own household, but it's not shielding us. It's shielding them from us.

Our experience with talking to medical professionals has been hard because of this--sharing bits about ourselves has been scary. It's scarier to show them pictures of our nonhuman headmates and say "that one is me", but it's never actually been bad when we've mustered up the strength to do it. One of them looked at Mal and saw his horns and said he looks like a faun from Greek mythology. Even though he's not, a positive response like that was empowering. That same one said Filigree's hair was cool. Little acknowledgements about who you are when you've tried to be seen before is great.

With our IRL friends, we expected the situation to be similar to our parents. Swept under the rug like a taboo and given weird, uncomfortable looks when spoken about. But it's been completely different.

We get asked who is fronting, we get acknowledged as separate people, hell, we even felt comfortable telling them about our actual fictive identities and letting the ones who wanted to follow this blog (hey guys if you're reading this <3) get access to it. They acknowledge our nonhumanity and nonhuman parts, share things about our sources with us because it reminded them of us, etc. Sometimes, now, because we've been open about it, we get people actually ask "is x fronting" and we say yes and they say "I knew it".

That specific feeling of being recognised even when your outward appearance doesn't change is absolutely amazing. Little manerisms, little ways our voice sounds even when masking accents out in public, even the words we choose to use are tells toward who is actually controlling the body and they pick up on it--even things we might not recognise we even do. Sure, there's hundreds of people in here and people won't know every single one off by heart, but the ones who are out here often are being recognised and that, to me, is amazing and validating to all of us.

I guess the point here is me sharing our experiences, but also.... You will be able to find people who see you for you. You as a system, you as a nonhuman, you as a disabled person, you as a queer person--you'll be able to find your people. And you know, I hope you do soon--because the feeling of being known is great.

[spacelazarwolf]

Hey, I saw a post from another tumblr user that you are a Zionist and spreading false info about Jewish people being excluded from pride parades and I don't know what a Zionist is (they just said it was nationalist) but I enjoy your blog and wanted to ask you about it directly to understand better whats going on if thats okay? Im not anonymous in case you want to privately answer or tell me youd not want to discuss. 💕

first, i wanna thank you for being respectful about this, and for asking this off anon. this tells me you're asking in good faith, so i'm happy to answer.

i've had to state numerous times on my blog that i'm not a zionist bc people love to slap that label on any jew they disagree with, which is exactly what's happening in this situation. they disagreed with what i said about a lot of jews not feeling comfortable at pride because of the pervasive antisemitism in queer spaces, and several queer events banning the jewish pride flag because it "looked too similar to the israeli flag" and decided that made me a zionist. it happens a lot bc ppl know that that word is very taboo in activist spaces, and labeling you a zionist is a surefire way to get you kicked out of a lot of progressive circles. interestingly (said with a huge dollop of sarcasm) this rarely happens to gentiles.

zionist is also a pretty useless word for determining what someone actually believes, because depending on who you ask their ideologies can range from "i think that jewish people should be able to live in the land that is currently israel and palestine alongside palestinians and other indigenous groups" to "i think that only jews should get to live in that area and we should kick everyone else out." and as you can imagine, there's lots of people like me who agree with the first statement but vehemently disagree with the second. it's become somewhat of a dogwhistle, to the point that alt righters popularized "zio" as a slur, which was then picked up by leftists (because there is also a huge problem with antisemitism in leftist and non palestinian gentile-dominated antizionist spaces.) one of the events i mentioned in the first paragraph deleted a tweet using this slur.

the person you're probably talking about also claimed that i, a genderqueer trans man, am a misogynist, because i said that jewish masculinity is very culturally different from white masculinity and that i find a lot of comfort in it. they cited a bunch of problems with misogyny within the orthodox community, despite the fact i'm not orthodox or even ashkenazi. what it boiled down to is that they disagree with the takes i have on anti transmasculinity, and they needed something else to pin it on.

so in the future, if you see someone accusing a jew of being a zionist, take everything they have to say with a bucket full of salt and do as you did with this ask and go ask the person what they actually believe. sometimes you'll find their beliefs actually don't line up with your morals and you can unfollow, but the vast majority of the time you'll find that they just said something someone didn't like and it was the easiest way to discredit them.

in general, i don't share my opinions about zionism/antizionism on tumblr because that's not what my blog is centered on, and also i oppose the expectation that jews should have to disclose our opinions on zionism in order for gentiles to determine whether or not we are worth listening to. i also have a lot of thoughts abt how the focus on anti-anything makes it easier for activists to weaponize that activism against marginalized people, but that's an entirely different post.

anyway, i hope that answers your question, and i will probably pin this ask somewhere on my blog since i have been asked this a few times now and it seems unavoidable since ppl just won't drop it.

[mormonvulture]

on the topic of that last post, i have been stealthing (masquerading as a cis man) at church for a while now and while it isn't without its problems, for me it's been a better solution than the alternatives. i figure i should share some tips about it though. DISCLAIMER: i haven't been stealth in a single ward for more than a year at a time, so i can't speak to how effective this approach is in the long term

most obvious step is to start attending a ward where people didn't know you pre-transition, but the ideal situation is going to the ward of a local ally you know. that way (a) you have someone you are sure will correctly gender you and set a precedent to the rest of the ward, and (b) you can be considered a "visitor" in perpetuity, which is useful for the next tip

you'll need to avoid having your records transferred, for obvious reasons. if you're pulling the visitor card, this is easy. if you can't do that, unless you're either in a byu-type ward or have some very motivated ward leadership, you can probably avoid interest in your records by being vague about what ward you came from and how long you're staying here. i've never been asked point-blank about my records before so i don't have any advice for what to do if that happens

although you may feel like you're extremely clockable, especially at first, the truth is that members are very unlikely to accuse you of being trans unless you're, like, showing up to relief society with a beard or something. for one, despite what republican cretins would have you believe, "a dirty transgender infiltrating my sacred spaces" is just not a worry that sane people have (and a ward where many people think about that is probably not a ward worth going to anyway). more importantly, it would be incredibly rude of someone to pry into your private life like that, and if there's one thing conservative mormons are afraid of more than queer people, it's appearing rude at church

now, what you'll want to brush up on to be more convincing is the specific experiences of being in young men's/young women's/relief society/elders quorum/etc. although you might be surprised at the amount of "gendered" church experiences that are actually very similar regardless of gender, you'll still want to be careful about what terminology you are using (ex: "i didn't want to" is now a more dubious excuse for me to not have served a mission, "health problems" or even "mental health problems" will usually get people to stop asking further questions). if you are willing to lie to members, you might be more convincing in this aspect, but as someone who's averse to that i have had success just with keeping things vague and leaving out details as necessary

if something happens and you do get outed, remember that you can always go to another ward if you want to try again. yes, the church's centralized power structure is an obstacle to a fresh start, but you can avoid baggage left by previous ward/stake leaders for as long as you can avoid getting your records transferred. i should mention that i haven't yet been outed in a ward i was stealthing in; however, i did get outed in the last ward i presented as a woman, so there's a nonzero chance it's been marked in my records. but that hasn't mattered since nobody has touched my records in years >:3

[skeletoninthemelonland]

First of all, so so sorry your situation. Im in a similar one actually so I really hope you're okay. Even though it's not dire, mine isn't either, it's very draining and can be super overwhelming since you dont have the support of your parents to guide you. People have already mentioned keeping documents in order. you mentioned commissions, time how long it takes you do to things and decided how you'd like to be paid based on the hour. Do Not undersell yourself. If you're uncomfortable with people maybe seeing your real name/using real info for payments, there are companies that work as your registered agent (at least that's what it's called in the usa) that you can use the address of for a yearly fee

You can also look into passive income things with art like making stickers for redbubble and Ive heard about artists making stock images before but I don't know how that really work tbh ^^;

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here's a good post on general adult knowledge

here's a post on things to know once your out

Always Pay Rent First. Normally there's always some sort of way to get food, losing your apartment makes it super hard to keep a job

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As for staying sane, people really help. Not necessarily even talking a whole ton.

Going and sitting at a cafe or park. wandering around a mall.

It's why I adore anime cons. You can look up board game or crafting groups in your area. If you're lgbtqia you can look for nearby queer centers, they're really helpful for advice and resources. Libraries are ridiculously useful. My nearby one hosts plenty of events and has a poster board for nearby event happening. You can just spend the afternoon there.

Journaling and deep breathing and calm music all really help me too.

Therapy has always been the most helpful but not everyone has access to that.

Also getting a good nights rest. So many of my problems have been helped a lot by getting better sleeping habits

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As for where to move, think about things like climate, laws, how the people there act. My town is super queer friendly but two towns over they're very much not, so be careful. Normally a simple google search on the name of a town can tell you a lot about it.

When picking out apartments, things like if you have animals or a car are super important. I have a car so Im looking for somewhere that has dedicated parking cause I can't afford someone hitting it when it's parked on the side walk.

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There are jobs that lead into other jobs. Knowing powered equipment, such as forklifts, can score you better paying jobs in the future.

If you're looking into something art wise, just focus on portfolio, no one cares if you went to college as long as you can do what they need.

There's also apps for things like setting up dog sitting. I've also heard of event staffing companies that'll give you jobs as they come, never done it though so look thoroughly into that.

you can look up the average rent/utilities and such of a town you want to live in to get an idea of what you'll be paying

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Credit score is super important in the usa to renting, but I don't know if you have that or an equivalent. If there's is, there should be secured credit cards that help you start building credit if you have none.

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Just remember that this won't last forever and you got this!! it's painful and scary but it's temporary.

Also remember that you still deserve better even though you're not being abused, it still hurts and that's vaild.

I dont know if any of this is helpful but I wish you the best and feel free to ask questions if you need anything :D

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[merp-blerp]

A Gaylor interpretation of "The Prophecy" because if Taylor never sleeps why should I?

TW: I tried to keep it mostly light, but ended up veering into brief talk of self-destructive behavior and suicide near the end.

Overblown Analysis Under the Cut ↓

"Hand on the throttle / Thought I caught lightning in a bottle / Oh, but it's gone again"

I think this song is about failed coming outs and closeting. Of course, many in this community know of the Lover failed coming out, but God only knows if that was really the only attempt. I think she tried to at least subtly come out several times. But during Lover, she and many others thought she would finally make it out of the closet, a once-in-a-lifetime chance, fully ready to go and take control, but plans were foiled. If it wasn't the first or last attempt, the chance was gone again.

"And it was written / I got cursed like Eve got bitten / Oh, was it punishment?"

Taylor begins to question if her coming out plan(s?) fell short because she's cursed for being who she is. Was she cursed like Eve was for biting the forbidden fruit? Eve in some interpretations of Christianity is often seen as the blame for all the world's sins, with Mother Mary being seen as God's Eve "do-over", since Mary stayed obedient to God's wishes. Sometimes Eve is even depicted as tempting or tricking Adam into eating the fruit, it being her fault he fell, rather than his own choices ruining him. Whether or not Eve is actually to blame could be debated forever, not unlike how Christians debate similarly about whether the bible is okay with queerness or not. Taylor wonders if never being seen as who she is by the general public is a punishment for her simply being. Interestingly, Taylor changes Eve's story, saying Eve was bitten, rather than the biter, possibly by the serpent/Devil in the garden gate of Eden. Being bitten by a snake actually reminds me more of Cleopatra more than Eve, but I'll elaborate more on that later.

"Pad around when I get home / I guess a lesser woman would've lost hope / A greater woman wouldn't beg / But I looked to the sky and said / Please / I've been on my knees / Change the prophecy / Don't want money / Just someone who wants my company / Let it once be me / Who do I have to speak to / About if they can redo the prophecy?"

Somewhat self-explanatory. Taylor anxiously paces as she asks God if her fate can change. If she can just get free. She doesn't want the money that comes from the beardings and closeting any longer. She just wants to be seen for who she is. She wants someone who wants the real Taylor's company, not the showmanship Taylor. She wonders what God or entity she has to ask to be freed from the cage.

"Cards on the table / Mine play out like fools in a fable"

Taylor has used card games as imagery before, usually in situations where she feels like someone isn't being honest with her, playing her. Most significantly for this reading, in "Foolish One" she speaks about how her cards were on the table, or that she was being open and vulnerable, while that song's muse wasn't showing theirs, as they weren't being clear, leading her on. In this situation, Taylor is once again laying all her cards out for the world to see, but it's foolish because the world never sees it, whether it's from not knowing how to or not wanting to. Fables are very similar to folklore or folktales, characterized as short, clear, fictional stories, often featuring animals. Taylor is saying that while her cards are clear, her stories must be told through vague, or "fool" characters that distance her from them, fictionalized. Both Gaylors and general Swifties seem to currently agree that her album Folklore has truth in it and isn't fully fictionalized, but exactly how much is fiction, and who represents who seems to be where opinions differ. And then there's a lot of infighting between the sides of the fandoms, so Taylor stays mostly unseen and caged.

"Oh, it was sinking in (Sinking in, oh) / Slow is the quicksand / Poison blood from the wound of the pricked hand / Oh, still I dream of him"

The feeling that she'll never be free sinks in, slowly over time, like sinking into quicksand is slow, or poison through your body from a small prick. She dreams of someone. One way to look at this is that she's dreaming of someone she loves, the muse of this album. I, however, for now at least, get this feeling that the dream is actually more of a nightmare. I mentioned in my makeshift theory on "The Manuscript" that I believed "The Professor/He" was a personification of the music industry or an industry boss. Taylor's said before that she's had nightmares about the crummier aspects of the industry, like unwanted photos and videos of herself. Maybe she still does (as a slight sidenote, I feel like this could be connected to Kissgate, as that was filmed without her wishes, and arguably when the closeting and bearding amped up heavily). She even mentions nightmares in "Cassandra".

"And I sound like an infant / Feeling like the very last drops of an ink pen / A greater woman stays cool / But I howl like a wolf at the moon / And I look unstable / Gathered with a coven 'round a sorceress' table / A greater woman has faith / But even statues crumble if they're made to wait"

The ink pen feels like Taylor's saying that she's slowly burning out, down to the last drop in her, tired of writing letters addressed to the fire and sending signals, as she runs out of ways to say her truth just for it to fall upon deaf ears. A more stable woman wouldn't show her pain, but she's so loud about her truth like a wolf, yet soundless. She gets more desperate like a helpless child as she continues to wait, still grappling with the guilt that can come from being queer and a Christian at the same time, like she's a witch with a coven. She knows she's supposed to keep her faith by staying in the unseen shade of the closet, after all, "There's no such thing as bad thoughts / Only your actions talk (from "Guilty as Sin?")". But waiting to be free for however long is taking its toll. At the Spotify TTPD pop-up library, Taylor featured what's seemingly a bust of Artemis/Diana, the Greek/Roman goddess of the, most significant to Taylor, archery. (Yes, the name Diana is very curious for Gaylors, but—unpopular opinion—maybe—I don't think it actually means too much to the song itself) After hearing about an Artemis statue being destroyed in regards to that symbolism, when digging, I found a few stories about Artemis/Diana's statues or temples being destroyed, whether it's half of Diana of the Tower burning and the other half being lost or the Temple of Artemis at Ephesus being the victim of arson in 4th century BCE. Just like Artemis/Diana, Taylor gets destroyed unexpectedly. (I've also heard of an Artemis/Diana statue that was destroyed by time, but I can't find a source for that story that doesn't connect to the Taylor pop-up).

"I'm so afraid I sealed my fate / No sign of soulmates / I'm just a paperweight in shades of greige / Spending my last coin so someone will tell me it'll be okay"

Taylor fears that her fate to never be seen is her fault, as she willingly participated in the closeting and beardings, so she's cursed to stay that way forever, never getting to mingle with other queers as one of them, like a soulmate, but an "ally", as she's too big to hang out with them. In slang, a paperweight is a useless object; Taylor probably knows that her coming out could mean a lot for queer people and the movement, but since she hasn't been able to come out, at least not in a way that is universally recognized, she feels useless compared to what she could be. Greige is a combo of grey and beige, much like the sepia aesthetic of this album. It's almost colorless, as she is forced to be grey rather than a rainbow with all of the colors due to closeting. The use of sepia or greige could symbolize that this album still has a thin coat of bearding and closeting attached to it, even though it could also be seen as a big step into the daylight. She tried to see daylight times before, "but the woman who sits by the window has turned out the light" (from "Peter"), at least for now. After her "postmortem", Taylor spends what I interpret as an obol, a coin a shade, or ghost, given to them before burial, that's paid to Charon, the underworld ferryman in Greek mythology; the fee would let a shade cross the river Styx to get to Hades. But Taylor pays only in the hopes of being comforted by someone after her "death". To be told that everything will be okay after the grey fallout. An obol would be the last thing a person would own from their time on earth, so it's her last coin. Taylor being a shade could call back to lyrics like, "Shade never made anybody less gay", in "YNTCD", having the double meaning of shade as in vitriol and the dark shade of the closet, and "Sit quiet by my side in the shade" in "Paris", where her private lover quietly sits in the closet with her. In "The Archer", Taylor mentions "And all of my heroes die all alone", interpretively due to them being queer and not getting to have a privileged life in that sense. Maybe in the afterlife, Taylor hopes to find and be comforted by one of these heroes.

I mentioned Cleopatra earlier, and while as far as I know Cleopatra wasn't queer, she is treated similarly to Eve, often blamed for the temptation of men; Cleopatra allegedly self-inflicted a snake bite to end her life, like how Taylor's Eve was bitten. Taylor has similarly been treated like Eve and Cleopatra, seen as "going through men like potato chips (a real fucking quote I found while researching for this post)" whether that's the exact case or not. Taylor's also illuded to self-inflicting harmful actions that could kill her in several songs, like "Hoax", and including on TTPD: "Love left me like this and I don't want to exist" from "Florida!!!" Even quicksand and poison mentioned in this song are ways to die. Whatever the reason behind these lines might be, I hate that she may feel that way and I worry that it's a somewhat ignored aspect of her music, brushed off as dramatic. It makes the asylum theme of TTPD much more tragic. I wish nothing but the best for Taylor. 🤍

I make a part 2 part to this

[dailyanarchistposts]

Undoing ideology

Rather than becoming rooted in a single ideological current, Alston points to the potential of affirming the most enabling parts of a multiplicity of currents. Similarly, when we interviewed Richard Day, he made a distinction between an ideological approach and an ethical one, like Alston’s:

Day: If someone is working ideologically, they will have a pat answer to any question that might be asked, without having to do much in the way of thinking or analysis. If you ask a liberal about smashing bank windows in a protest, they will probably say it’s violent and bad; if you ask an anarchist, they will probably say it’s not violence, it’s destruction of stolen property and quite a valid thing to do. This is similar to working morally, in that you need only consult a tablet, ask a functionary such as a priest, and they will tell you what to do and not do. In a critical, analytic—ethical—way of relating, it is impossible to know what one might think or feel ahead of time; that will be contingent upon many circumstances of the situation. There is likely to be much more complexity, much more nuance, less dogmatism, certainty, and purity. In general, I think it’s safe to associate ideological ways of relating with rigid radicalism, and that’s why you find that so many people, all over the world, who are actually involved in the most powerful social movements and upheavals, tend to steer away from ideology, and orient more to shared values, practices, and goals. Nick & carla: And not being ideological means being uncertain, as well, right? Day: Yeah. Working non-ideologically definitely involves an element of openness, a vulnerability, not only at the level of emotion, but also at the level of thought, and of political relationships. There is a certain sort of safety in having an answer for everything.[151]

As we insisted earlier, ethics here does not mean an individualized set of fixed principles (as in consumer ethics, or personal ethics) but instead a capacity to be attuned to the situation, to be immersed in it, and to create something emergent out of the existing conditions. Alston speaks to the power and potential of working across difference in ways that respect where people are coming from:

Different consciousnesses can come from different places … and we can figure out the dialog, how to create a way forward that respects us all, that respects the different worlds that we come from. So for me, if that had happened back then in 1970, where would we have been right now? And for me, that’s such a better way to go, ‘cause for the queer community, or the Yoruba community that may exist in Brooklyn, what’s best for them? Whether one is a small geographical community or tied to their ethnicity or dealing with a lifestyle, we should just be open to come together and see how we can do this in a different kind of way. That’s the challenge.[152]

This is the ethics of encounter. Instead of asking whether we (or they) are inherently radical, revolutionary, or anarchist, an ethical approach asks questions about how we affect each other, what new encounters become possible, and what we can do together. None of the answers to these questions can be known in advance. They can only be asked as part of an open-ended, unfolding experiment, as markers in an always-changing world, in which we figure things out along the way. As the anarchist collective Crimethinc writes,

If the hallmark of ideology is that it begins from an answer or a conceptual framework and attempts to work backward from there, then one way to resist ideology is to start from questions rather than answers. That is to say—when we intervene in social conflicts, doing so in order to assert questions rather than conclusions.

What is it that brings together and defines a movement, if not questions? Answers can alienate or stupefy, but questions seduce. Once enamored of a question, people will fight their whole lives to answer it. Questions precede answers and outlast them: every answer only perpetuates the question that begot it.[153]

We would add that an important complement to asking questions is being able to listen sincerely to responses, and to those with altogether different questions. The power of questions comes from people being able to respond and hear each other in new ways. It comes from hanging onto the uncertainties they generate, and the new potential that comes along with them. To undo ideology is not as straightforward as taking off a pair of glasses to see the world differently. To ward off ideology is not finally to see clearly, but to be disoriented, allowing things to emerge in their murkiness and complexity. It might mean seeing and feeling more, but often vaguely, like flickers in one’s peripheral vision, or strange sensations that defy familiar categories and emotions. It is an undoing of oneself, cutting across the grain of habits and attachments. To step out of an inherited ideology can be joyful and painful.

[your-queer-dad]

Hey Queer dad, I only just found this blog, but I'm writing you anyway, I Don't want to be anonymous, I want my name attached to my story I fear that I'm probably going to explain myself poorly but here goes anyway I am going to be 24 years old this May, I've been on E since 10 - 2020 Ive had to move out to live with my boyfriend of 3 years and it feels like I've all but abandoned my dreams of going through college as an engineer, things were hard to keep up with when covid struck and now I'm a trans-woman living in Georgia USA, I understand that its not as good as my home-state of New York on trans issues, but I have my BF and his Family who are supportive... I'm SCARED as of late sure I live in a fairly chill part of the state, but i'm SCARED like big time, its making my mental health journey harder, and I'm finding a lot of VERY bad thoughts creeping in, mostly about my appearance and all that, I don't look all that fem when i have trouble taking care of my day-to-day hygiene,

My dad is ""Supportive"" as far as accepting the fact that I'm his daughter now, but he and most of my extended family still doesn't use my pronouns or chosen name. My mom, well she left this world, and me alone in it, sure she was never the best to me, but she would have been the one person to support me. When she left I promised myself and her that I would take the little support I spit on and ground into the dirt as a teenager and actually be true to myself.

I know that at this point I am rambling, but I want to put meaning and journey behind my words THANK YOU, for being here for us. THANK YOU for providing a space for us to ask questions, and get parental style advice when we have no-one else and I ask of you this, how does one find community in this world when one struggles to navigate the fear she feels from the world around her?

Hi!! Thank you so much for reaching out. Honestly, it sounds like you've had such a rough time and I am really proud of you. Thank you for sharing your story, I appreciate it, and I'll do my best to help out.

Personal story time: I myself was (and still am sometimes) in a very similar situation myself. And it is scary, it's really isolating to see so much hate from others just for being yourself, and it makes you want to withdraw and hide. And I hid, for so long- it's really hard to show your true self in a world so full of hate and fear.

But I did, slowly, step by step. A little bit every day. Us humans, we're not supposed to be on our own. We're pack animals, like wolves or lions, we thrive off other people's company (some more than others). With mental health, when all you want to do is hide and let the world forget that you exist, what helps you the most is finding others who feel like it and can help.

Easier said than done right?

I'm still working on it, and there's never going to be a stage where you're perfect at it- but every day, just actively trying to engage with others around you, I found helped me. Not running away when people offer help, speaking to new people, finding my local queer community- just actively being aware of my surroundings and gently pushing myself to talk to new people.

The worlds a lot less scary when you have an army of support behind you.

It takes time, and energy. It's hard. And definitely baby steps, small steps. But there are so many good people out there, who will love you and accept you and value you, you just have to find them.

I'm really proud of you, I'm always here if you need someone to talk to and feel free to reach out anytime. Everything will be okay.

- dad x

[mooseyspooky]

Hiya, I love your blog so so much so I wanted to ask some questions I've been curious to know your thoughts on:

1) What do you think about Johnny's sexuality? I know it's a very personal thing from experience and I don't wish to be intrusive but I've always wondered about him as someone who has been in a similar situation with a friend. I recall an interview where, in response to being asked about the possibility of being in love with Moz, he simply stated that he wasn't just because he was in love with Angie. He didn't say "No, because I'm not interested in guys" or anything. Just an interesting one lol.

2. Do you think that Moz's longing for Johnny remained as a simple infatuation rather than there ever being any instance of the two being more than friends? I ask this because I remember reading on Tumblr somewhere that apparently Grant Showbiz claimed they had been sleeping together on tour in 1983 or at least he had suspected it and also I've always had a hunch that there had to be at least one moment where something happened because I get it being awkward anyway but there had to have been something happen between them for them to be so secretive, right?

3. The whole thing with Johnny's wedding seems suspicious to me but I was wondering what you thought about it. The reason I say this is because I've always found it interesting how Joe Moss was very pushy about Johnny marrying a 'strong woman' and that, even if he may not have been thinking about the idea. I wonder if it was partly because Moss wanted to sway Johnny away from Moz/hide something/stop any suspicion from the press. Idk, just rambling lol.

Thank you!

Thank you so much for all these amazing questions! And for your sweet comments!!

1) Johnny's sexuality is on paper assumed to be straight, but I don't believe that in the slightest. Johnny has always given me the impression he was bisexual. He was drawn to and fit in with other queer people from a very early age. His best friend Andrew Berry was gay, some of his other early best mates were queer. Johnny found community among these people and went on to form a band with an openly queer frontman. He encouraged and was excited about Moz writing lyrics about queer experiences and queer sex. Maybe he's the world's biggest ally, but I doubt it. He seems very much like Noel to me, and Clint. Where having wives and girlfriends gives you "straight people privileges" while behind closed doors they're very open about their sexual interest in both men and women. Johnny was very physically affectionate towards Moz, hanging off him, cuddling him, sleeping on his shoulder. He was this way with Bernard, too, and with Issac from Modest Mouse to some degree. He was also very physically affectionate towards Andy.

The one time I can recall Johnny trying to say he was straight he stumbled over the words. It's tagged on my blog somewhere, but it's in the Oxford Union interview from 2019. (Edit: Found it!) Otherwise he's never definitively said one way or the other how he identifies.

Also, these quotes from Johnny in the book The North Will Rise Again:

Like damn, Johnny. Tell me again how straight you are lmao

2) I go back and forth all the time about if Moz and Johnny were actually sexually intimate. I know, this is coming from me. The one active marrissey fanfic writer, but it's hard for me to say. I'd never heard that about Grant Showbiz though. I find him to be generally pretty trustworthy, so that's fascinating if he does think that. Because more than any other time, late 1983 is when I think their relationship could have become more than infatuation. Angie broke up with Johnny for a week or two in December 1983, before they first went to America. Joe Moss also left. They were alone together, there was no band manager around, really. Johnny was filling that role. There was plenty of opportunity. Because of Moz being so reserved, I don't know that they would have gone beyond making out and heavy petting while they were both drunk, but I think even that would lead to Moz' spiraling obsession becoming what we saw by 1987. Songs like Happy Lovers at Last United, Alastian Cousin, Suedehead ('it was a good lay'), You Must Please Remember, Speedway. So many songs suggesting something more happened between them. So to some degree yes, I think they had to have messed around some, though I imagine Johnny tried to back pedal and push Moz away because he feared losing the aforementioned 'straight privileges' that being with Angie had. Having a public and open affair with your frontman would have been a PR nightmare, and while I'm sure Moz didn't care - Johnny would.

3) Joe Moss being pushy about the wedding is also something I haven't heard, but I'm not surprised. Johnny didn't propose to Angie. He just asked her if they should get married, and then they did so the next day, in California. Hundreds of miles from their parents, their siblings, from their home. They didn't have a honeymoon until after Johnny left in June 1987, suggesting Johnny didn't prioritize their marriage. The wedding photographer wanted a lot of money for the wedding photos, and Johnny decided it wasn't worth it (yes, the photographer was scamming him, but surely you'd pay out the nose for your own wedding photos - like. Did he not know a single person to loan him the money? In 1985 he was snorting a mountain of cocaine a day, couldn't he sell some of that and buy them? There had to have been options). Marriage seemed like an afterthought to him. Moz calling Angie a 'sad veiled bride' is also weird. Yes, of course Moz was upset. Johnny didn't choose him, but I Know It's Over is hardly a resentful rant. It's a very honest song. And so that makes me wonder why exactly is Angie unhappy? Because Johnny is doing this out of peer pressure? Because she knows it's something he doesn't really want? I refer to it again and again, but Happy Lovers at Last United also brings this up. Why did Moz have to help repair Angie and Johnny's relationship? Was Johnny unfaithful? Just checked out? Disinterested? This is further compounded by the fact that Johnny was MIA for so much of Nile's and Sonny's childhood. Johnny talks endlessly about how him and Bernard were always together. They spent days in the studio, at times saying they were literally locked in there together. Johnny went on holiday with Bernard, Johnny went on tour with him. More than that, Johnny says he spent several days at a time high on acid or shrooms recording stuff for The The. How did his marriage to Angie survive that? Did his kids get to see him sober when they were growing up? Did they get to see him at all? I don't have definite answers to any of these things, but it's definitely troubling.

[daybringersol]

if asexuality or aversion to sex comes from trauma, that is absolutely something a therapist and you are supposed to address, that's not queerphobia and equating it to conversion therapy is kinda disgusting and queerphobic itself lmao

That is not what I said in the slightest, to a point where im questioning if youre asking me this in good faith at all. Please actually read and/or reread the words I typed before accusing me of things like this. My initial post was not even worded in a way that was vague enough to be misinterpreted this way.

If you still don’t understand how misguided you are, here is my attempt at putting it more clearly :

Yes, aversion to sex and/or romance and lack of sexual/romantic desires can come from trauma. Therapy can help that, if you find the right therapist. However, from my own experiences, I can tell you that the way a lot of therapists approach this is at best, ineffective, and at worst, downright retraumatizing. If sex and/or romance makes you uncomfortable, being convinced to take part in sexual/romantic acts without you having desires for it or being downright averse to it is a recipe for disaster (for most people). It just puts you into more non-consensual and traumatizing positions. That is what exposure therapy is, and that is what most therapists have tried (and sometimes succeeded) to do to me. Horrible experience, would not recommend to anyone. This approach tries to cure the symptom instead of the issue, and is deeply based in ace/arophobia (seeing “fixing” a lack of attraction as more urgent and important than addressing the source of the issue, the actual trauma).

Also, no. If someone doesn’t feel like fixing their trauma for any reason, nobody should push them to. A therapist can absolutely inform the patient on the benefits of doing so, but trauma work is incredibly hard, very much a long-term thing, and can put the patient in an extremely vulnerable headspace. It’s the mental equivalent of breaking a bone to set it right again. For an abuse victim who just got out of that situation, it is completely understandable for them to want to enjoy their new-found freedom and joy as much as they can, for as long as they want. Pushing them towards trauma work without the right environment, mindset or literally anything else they feel might make this not the right time for it can cause further damage, especially knowing how the current psychiatric institution works.

Asexuality and aromanticism, however, do not come from trauma, or any other neurological differences. It might be affected by it, and people with life experiences similar to aro and/or ace people are welcomed in the community (for exemple, sexual and/or domestic abuse survivors that are sex/romance averse), but it is not caused by it. Most therapy settings are not informed about asexuality, and assume it is a symptom of a underlying issue, that needs to be fixed. The same kind of exposure therapy that I talked about earlier is often used to “cure” aro and/or ace people, putting them those same non-consensual and traumatizing situations. That is conversion therapy, and medical use of coerced corrective rape. These therapists are, often with methods similar to gaslighting (and I use the original meaning of the word here, not the diluted tiktok version of it), convincing people to do sexual and/or romantic acts that they have no desire to do, to fix an issue that doesn’t exist, with the explicit goal of making someone not queer. Please explain to me how that is not conversion therapy.

Other forms of arophobia and acephobia are prevalent in psychiatric institutions as they are today, tho I wouldn’t call most of those conversion therapy. You only need to look at the notes on my post to see what I’m talking about.

I genuinely hope that this is a formative experience for you, and that in the future, you learn to actually read what is written before you send messages like this. Have a good day.

[ilovewillsolace]

why dont you like solangelo? (genuine question)

Oh thanks for the question! I've already talked about this before, but I think now is the time to analyze this question in detail because I have something to say.

maybe one day I'll write a big analysis on Solangelo and what's wrong with them. but first, I shippered Solangelo myself when I was younger. but when I stopped loving Nico so much and started analyzing the characters better, I realized that something was wrong with them (spoiler: everything)

the main problem with this fandom is that they don't know how to analyze characters, just reading cliches and images and based on them they make up their opinion about the character and consider it canon. therefore, many people still think that Nico is an eternally whining suicidal almost ninja and Will is a stupid hyperactive spineless snot. that's why they like Solangelo because in their eyes they look like a black cat × a golden retriever and Rick later began to write them that way too

but in fact, Nico is a friendly, sociable, hyperactive child with a childish view of the world and interests. Will, on the contrary, is a cold, closed, pragmatic and even cynical person. they already look like a bad couple and their age difference (14 and 16-17 years old only makes it worse). but the canon incredibly makes them even worse because both do not see each other as people. Nico seems to be an interesting experiment for Will, he seems to have started it for himself like a kitten. maybe it's Rick who prescribes love disgustingly, but I didn't notice any special feelings for the son of Hades at all (flawed phrases about "I'm your boyfriend, you're my boyfriend" don't count, because it's just a disgrace). Will is very similar to Alhaitam from Genshin. therefore, in order to show how he loves someone, it is necessary to prescribe how he makes exceptions for his beloved, like Haitham for Kaveh. Does Will make any exceptions for Nico? No

from Nico's side, the situation is even worse. Like I said, he's still a kid. he has a poor understanding of love as a concept and therefore sees Will as a kind of prince on a white horse. but Will is not a prince and he doesn't have a horse, he's just a damn tired doctor who needs a man as mature as he is, with whom he will be on equal terms, and a child romanticizing everything around him, well... I've already told you. Nico does not see a person in Will, only an image that he himself invented and romanticized, and the real Will does not fit into this image at all

their dynamics are absolutely non-working, they would never have been together (as a mini-happily ever after) from any other author and in real life. that's why they look so artificial and fake. and the fact that they are also not on equal terms and will never be is one of the most important things for me, which is why they repel me so much

perhaps I'm asking too much from an author who positions himself as a "childish", but after Russian and Chinese fandoms, where even under conditions of strict censorship, the authors manage to prescribe beautifully revealed queer couples, it's just disappointing to look at such hack work from a Western author

[ask-a-rare-person]

Introduction!

I am @epic-sorcerer and I have many rare parts of myself that others may be curious about. I wanted to put myself out there as someone who is willing to ask any questions about this topics, weather if it is for general curiosity or even help with characters with similar situations. I intend this to be an ask-based blog so participating will keep it running.

I have extensive knowledge of queer and disability studies in a general sense and would love to answer any questions pertaining to these subjects.

Feel free to ask how different parts of me interact with each other!

My gender is fluid and changes based on the baremetric pressure. I am also bisexual, go by he/they/fae, and use xenogenders.

I have a rare neurological disorder called amplified musculoskeletal pain syndrome. Here is more about it. On my journey to master my nervous system for my amps treatment, I learned how to resqedual my hot flashes to a specific date and time and last a specific duration!

I have ADHD, seasonal affective disorder, dyselxia, dyscalculia, and anxiety. These are not rare but I mgiht as well put them here

I have conversion disorder which is like amps but with less focus on pain and more general weird shit.

I have autonomic dysfunction. This is a form of Dysautonomia and is basically AMPS disguising itself as POTS. It works just like amps exept I have to drink mroe water and eat more salt.

I am an age regressor. I started last year and regress to all different ages. My therapist also says that my age regression is deeper than what she has personally seen before, and mimics the meditative depth of psychedelics.

I am a four time wheelchair user, and currently using one.

Also I grew up with my mom who is interfaith pagen and I eventually decided to believe in it as well.

[nerdygaymormon]

I’m worried that me being a closeted trans guy will invalidate my patriarchal blessing… like with cis guys it’ll tell them about their wife and mission. But that’s not gonna happen for me, it’s gonna talk about this other person’s future, this other person’s husband and kids. I know that i can pass as a guy, i know the blessing is done privately and is allowed to be kept private. But im doubtful that my parents or bishop won’t spoil it. That the patriarch will find out. do you think there is hope for me?

I understand your concern.

From what you wrote, I think you're worried that if people find out you're trans then you won't be able to get the patriarchal blessing.

I have not seen anything that says a trans person cannot receive a patriarchal blessing, but I understand the worry because the interview questions for this blessing are similar to the questions to get a temple recommend.

————————————————————

I have a few thoughts about patriarchal blessings. I've spoken with a few patriarchs and they have said they get an impression and then they put that into words. So for instance, he feels like he want to bless this person that they have the potential of getting married, and then he says something like, "I bless you that you'll take a young daughter of Zion to the temple."

For me, I think of it as he put his own spin on the idea because God knows I'm queer and wouldn't have made that specific promise to me.

Another thing, the promises in the blessing are 'potential' and not 'prophetic.' It's a guide, not a map. By which I mean, these are possibilities, not guarantees. Most patriarchal blessings include a path that says to go on a mission, get an education, get married and have children, serve in callings, and that fits the path that many lives take. I think the more interesting parts of a patriarchal blessing are those that aren't about this stereotypical path but are uniquely included for you.

————————————————————-

The stake presidency I work with have a saying, "information leads to inspiration," meaning if they're aware of someone's circumstances, those can be taken into consideration as they pray about callings.

I'm not sure if you'd be comfortable with this, but you could ask to speak with the patriarch privately before he gives the blessing. At that point you could say you're queer and you worry that if he didn't know that then he might use gendered language in a way that wouldn't work for you.

By saying "queer," you leave it vague and he can interpret that to mean 'gay' if he chooses. While unfair, being gay gives somebody more privilege and access than being trans.

There is no requirement to reveal this part of yourself to him. God knows you are trans, and that's enough if that's enough for you.

————————————————————-

Your question shows there are situations which queer people have to deal with at church that non-queer people don't even think about as church is designed for them.

I wish you well, and I'll pray for you to feel some peace about this.

[joyfulapostate]

hi!!

for context, i was raised baptist, im queer, my mother converted in her late 20s i believe? and my father was raised strictly baptist as well. my mom has been listening to sermons on youtube obsessively, and my father will lose his mind if you (collective) say ANYTHING that has even the slightest chance of questioning the bible in any way. i’m closer with my mom than my dad, we both have adhd and im autistic, my dad is emotionally and verbally abusive.

i started questioning pretty much everything since mid 2020 ish??, and i just started accepting the idea that my parents would probably disown me, or at the very least ground me until they’re dead, if they knew anything about me that’s not an ✨image i’ve made specifically for them✨. (my main spotify acc has seen so many mental breakdowns it’s not even funny at this point😐)

anyways i just was wondering if there’s a Specific Reason i’ve been really really drawn to catholicism, catholic guilt, and really anything regarding that? it’s just been like A Thing for me especially really recently and i’m just always sitting there like “why tf do i feel like i have catholic guilt i’ve only stepped foot in a catholic church one single time and it was for a craft show????”

if there’s no specific answer that’s totally cool i just thought i’d try to ask someone who seems to know what they’re talking about bc ive been thinking about it a LOT recently

(i also feel like im letting down my grandma, she was the sweetest lady and she absolutely made my childhood so much better and im so grateful for her. she was pretty much the backbone of her church, she died seven years ago and i just feel like if she saw me now she wouldn’t recognize me even if she had every form of proof in the world it was me. i don’t know if she would even accept i was her grandkid at this point.)

It’s so great that you are giving yourself room to become more than what others expect you to be. We all deserve that. And it takes courage to create space for yourself, especially in a worldview that tends to reduce our self image.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with an abusive situation. Your safety is important and you deserve to have a healthy support system.

I think that the idea of “Catholic guilt” is a more popular trope than guilt from Protestant traditions. I see it mentioned more in personal conversations and in books, TV, and movies. It absolutely makes sense that this idea would resonate with you.

It can be helpful to study other traditions to give you context for your own experience, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to claim something from another religious tradition as your own. It doesn’t sound like that’s what you’re doing, I just try to be careful about stuff like that.

I was also raised in a Protestant faith, but I had Catholic friends and attended Mass at several points in my life. When I was still a believer, it seemed like there was a great chasm between these belief systems. But now that I have some distance from my former faith, I see that they have more similarities than differences. Shame and guilt run through them both. There’s guilt about familial obligations, Jesus’ death, and “sinful” actions. (I personally think that sin is just one god’s opinion and it matters more that we try to treat each other well than follow a non-negotiable rulebook.)

It may not be possible to be totally open now now, but I believe it will be in the future. I didn’t share my doubts when I was still dependent on my parents and it felt awful at the time to keep anything private. Because it felt like privacy implied guilt. But now I am grateful to my past self for waiting until I felt secure enough to share my doubts. I found people who felt safe and confided in them. I built relationships based on mutual respect and informed choices, which hadn't felt possible before.

I still have distance with some of my religious family members. But some of my more progressive family members and I have made a lot of progress in understanding each other. Love can overcome doctrine in many relationships, but not others. It’s a difficult reality to face, especially when you don’t have the opportunity to communicate with them. I know that I had to grieve the people I’d lost and the idea that I would see them in heaven. But there are people in this world who will understand you, support you, and hope for you to have a wonderful and fulfilling life that allows you to grow beyond their expectations. And it sounds like you already are that kind of person for yourself, and that is an impressive accomplishment in its own right.

[winderlylandchime]

I have a question for you that might be a bit too much but I was watching QAF and started asking myself the same thing and I remember that I really liked reading your Brian Kinney post or something similar that was very interesting so I figured I’d ask you too. What are your favorite and least favorite things about the characters from QAF? Not just Britin but like all of them. Because all of them are perfect in their own way but also flawed so I was wondering what someone else might pick :)

Hello dear sweet anon!

Thank you for this ask, I love these types of questions (as everyone now knows, lol).

As you said, and I think it’s worth repeating, these characters all have good qualities and bad qualities and that is so real. None of us is perfect and all of us have bad qualities. I think that is what made this show so compelling (and why we’re all still so obsessed 20 years later). These characters were real (even if the situations they were in - take down a corrupt politician?! - were sometimes not the most realistic) and we could relate to all of them in some way.

The Characters of Queer as Folk…

Michael Novotny

Good - he is clearly a person who cares a lot about the people he loves - his mother, his friends, his uncle, his partner. He is a fandom guy. Here we all are talking about a show that was on the air 20 years ago, and this guy is obsessed with Captain Astro and other superheroes. He is one of us.

Bad - he has an idea of who people are that is very fixed and therefore when he wants the best for the people he loves, it is sometimes not based in who they are as a person in the here and now. Brian doesn’t do love or boyfriends, therefore he can never do love or boyfriends. This is very relatable, so many of us have trouble updating our idea of who someone is over the course of a long term relationship (platonic or romantic). He tends towards very codependent relationships. Also, go back and watch the beginning of his relationship with Ben. I’m not talking about breaking up early in their relationship about his serostatus, I’m talking about after they reunite and Debbie disapproves and Michael makes all these (very good) points about dating Ben but he does it… in front of Ben. CRINGE. AWKWARD. I WOULD ACTUALLY DIE IF SOMEONE DID THAT TO ME.

Ted Schmidt

Good - he is intelligent and kind, he has a biting sense of humor, he is loyal.

Bad - he has the world’s lowest self-confidence. Rather than just own his love of accounting and opera, he is ashamed of it. He has remarkable growth in this respect over the course of the series and I would argue he is the character that grows the most (and whose growth is not erased by the end of the series).

Emmett Honeycutt

Good - oh my god I love him so much. He is a femme queen and he lets his flame burn bright. He is kind and funny and can take a joke and dish it right back.

Bad - oof this one is hard because I do love him so much. I think he tends to want to shy away from the darkness and as a result when a loved one is going through a dark time (ahem Ted), he struggles to be able to help much beyond something surface level. His understanding of substance abuse disorders could be improved. Also, the party he plans for Ben’s birthday is full cringe racist.

Debbie Novotny

Good - she is fiercely protective and an ally to the gay boys of Liberty Avenue. She does not back down from a challenge. She has had to be strong as a young single mother and she did a good job with what she had to work with.

Bad - as a young single mother she and her son have a codependent relationship and this models that type of relationship for her son to develop with other people. Her protectiveness knows no loyalty, except to her son. Her “adoptive son” Brian gets the short end of the stick when his needs are in conflict with her son’s. Which makes sense, but then don’t pretend to be a mother to Brian. She thinks she knows better than people about what is good for them and what they need and this sometimes extends beyond advice giving (telling Brian to tell Justin he loves him after zucchini man) to taking action (as @kinnenvy rightly points out - telling Joan that Brian has cancer). Ma’am, you do not do that. Also, she uses the word fag (which I have no problem with queer people reclaiming but she is… not actually queer) and dates a cop, so she loses major ally points in my book.

Ben Bruckner

Good - he is very good looking. He is smart and driven. He brings an alternative perspective to the group. He honors who Michael is and allows him to let his fandom freak flag fly (we should all have partners and friends who do this, btw).

Bad - toxic positivity thy name is Ben Bruckner. Why does Ben have a flirtation with steroids? Because his “look on the bright side, glass half full, be positive” mentality does not allow for any negativity. And life has negativity in it. We need to acknowledge it and not push it away in order to deal with it. His understanding of Buddhism is incomplete and lacking (from my own study of Buddhism). Also, he is really freaking boring.

Melanie Marcus

Good - she is smart, she knows who she is as a Jewish dyke, and she is unapologetic. She is apparently a lawyer who specializes in everything from civil rights to custody to entrapment/indecent exposure (whatever Vic was charged with). She is able to change her mind (about getting married, etc.)

Bad - she cheats on her partner and then when her partner cheats on her she decides it’s different because biphobia. She is jealous of Brian and this warps her image of him. She is stubborn.

Lindsay Peterson

Good - she is kind and she loves fiercely. I like her relationship with Justin and the way she mentors him.

Bad - oof. I cannot scream enough about her decision to have Brian father Gus. First of all, her partner is jealous/doesn’t like him. I don’t know what type of long term relationships you’ve had, anon, but this is not how you treat your partner. Yes, she’s the one carrying the fetus but her partner should get veto power over the sperm donor (or father… more on that in a second). I cannot even imagine doing that to my spouse. We even had a brief moment of insanity where we contemplated having a kid so that isn’t something so difficult to imagine. Like, how do you do that? Then that brings me to her relationship with Brian. Maybe Lindsay is bisexual but can’t acknowledge because of biphobia (from the writers first and foremost, like I know biphobia was super acceptable in the early 2000s but c’mon, do better!), but having a crush on someone who will never love you back is something to work out in therapy. It’s not something to allow to go unchecked and wreck your relationship with your partner. Her crush, I would say, is worse than Michael’s because it’s almost like she doubts Brian when he says he is not interested in women. (Let’s reverse the situation and imagine a man constantly flirting with a lesbian and telling her how he imagined they would wind up together and how gross and boundary crossing that would seem.) Also, she has him in this box (Peter Pan) and again, refuses to acknowledge that he might grow and change. She gives him mixed messages - you need to grow and be a good partner to Justin but also this isn’t you and you need to remain you. Another mixed message? Oh you’ll just be the sperm donor, make a cameo appearance, etc. but then “You need to spend time with your son.” Obviously, people raise kids in all types of relationship configurations. But from my understanding, Brian was going to donate the sperm and Lindsay and Melanie would be the parents. So is he the sperm donor or is he the father? Both Brian and Melanie would like to know.

[nonegenderleftpain]

this is maybe very hopeful, but i still find it in me to send an ask, hoping for the best... i hope to not waste too much of your time with this

as someone who is possibly thinking of converting to Judaism, what is the first step?

i know, i should look for a rabbi, for a group, for just... something. to connect me to the culture, but i grew up in an incredibly sheltered household, in a small town, christian, and i still dont have solid income to look out for them far and wide... honestly, I'm kind of afraid that if i dont end up going through with the conversion, I'll just feel guilty for wasting people's time for my own personal gain (as opposed to...... their gain? yeah. its impossible to tell wether that one makes sense)

im pretty sure i have met exactly one Jewish person IRL and that's not a stretch.

so, basically, when im asking for the first step here, what i really mean is, how do i know where the stairs are?

and i dont have a super philosophical reason as to why i even think of converting in the first place. i guess i just need a place where my first crime won't be my humanity.

So I've sat on this all day trying to figure out how to be elegant. I'm in a fair bit of pain today, so elegance is kind of beyond me - I'll settle for helpful.

Anon, I grew up in a really similar situation to you. I grew up in one of the few Catholic towns in my very protestant area. It was a tiny farm town, only on the map for gambling, and I lived in an incredibly sheltered home. I couldn't be on the internet unsupervised, and my parents turned it off at 10pm, until the day I left home. I never had time to form a community, was not allowed to ask questions, and struggled with constant feelings of fear and crushing oppression by a church I no longer believed in.

When I was in highschool, I discovered LaVeyan Satanism, got my hands on the satanic bible, and converted, largely hiding it for years. I didn't meet a Jew until I left for college, and was so anti-Gd that we never really spoke (Not due to antisemitism - any engagement with religion triggered religious trauma history, so I couldn't be around ANYONE openly practicing any religion. It was a very stressful time, and I carry a lot of guilt for not engaging with her more.)

I didn't have any big philosophical reasons for seeking Judaism, either, at first. I had had a very spiritual experience in the Cherokee Nation with a family friend who invited us, and I was actually considering moving there and taking part in their religious practices as much as they would allow me to, as a white person. My family friend was a religious leader there and was willing to accept me and bring me in, but it never panned out. I have been seeking that same spiritual connection for years, but I didn't really know it until I found it again.

I first started learning about Judaism when I just. Kept running into Jews in my life. Online, in community spaces, through my advocacy work. And I asked myself "what is so important about this?" and picked up the book To Life! by Rabbi Harold Kushner. Immediately, I was enthralled, and I have not stopped being amazed and overjoyed with what I've found.

For me, the first step to really learning more was reaching out to my local Reform congregation. I'm not sure if you're thinking of converting Reform or not, but I'd suggest starting there, because I've found it's been very easy to find my footing as a queer person with a fraught religious background. The Union for Reform Judaism - the largest North American movement of Reform Jews - offers Intro to Judaism classes once a semester (many congregations require these courses for conversion). The classes lay out the very basics of Jewish values, history, and practices. They're usually taught by local rabbis - my course this semester on Jewish history has two classes with each of the four Reform rabbis in my city. This is a great way to get to know the rabbis, see how they teach, and see who you click with. It will also allow you to interact with other folks that are new to Judaism - Jews that want to learn more about their heritage and practices, prospective converts, friends and family members of practicing Jews, and sometimes just people interested in theology!

Once you find a rabbi that you click with, you'll want to reach out to them and set up a meeting (I meet personally with my rabbi on Zoom, because transportation is difficult for me as a disabled person). During that meeting, you can tell the rabbi your story, your level of interest, and answer some of their questions, as well. My Rabbi asked me why I chose Judaism as opposed to something else, and really dug into my resolve, because I came to him expressing my desire to convert. This is pretty normal - antisemitism is on the rise in the US and around the world, so they want to make sure you understand what you're taking on by seeking Judaism.

Here's the thing about Judaism - it is not something you can do alone. Judaism is a tribe and a people, not just a religion. I do not say this to dissuade you. If anything, I want to encourage you. No one is going to be upset with you if you come, participate with sincerity and earnestness, and then decide that it's not for you. You will not be wasting anyone's time by asking questions and learning things.

I also grew up Christian. We were taught that asking questions is a sign of a lack of faith. That we must follow and believe and never question Gd. I am here to tell you that that is the complete opposite of what Judaism not just expects, but requires. Israel means "to struggle with Gd." It is our job as Jews to struggle with the Torah and what it asks of us. To question it and interpret it and find out how to do good in the world. To disagree. This is not a religion of blind faith, and it is not a people that will silence your questions.

So I suppose the concise answer to your question is more of a checklist:

Research your local synagogues. See if you can attend one of their services online. See if you like the rabbi, like the way they talk and the things they say and the way they interpret the texts. See if you like the cantor, and if the way they chant helps you with your connection to the service or detracts from it. Take notes of any questions or concerns you have, so you can bring it to the rabbi.

Contact your local rabbi. If there is more than one congregation where you live, choose which seems most approachable for you to start with. On their congregation's website, there should be an email form that will take you to them, or to whomever runs their site, who will be able to put you in contact.

Set up a meeting with your rabbi. If you can go in person, that's great, but if you get anxious easily, Zoom can be really helpful. I recently even got my rabbi to join Discord. Bring them your questions. Tell them why you're there. Answer their questions honestly, and don't be afraid to tell them you're nervous. I promise you're not the first prospective convert they've spoken to.

Try to get into an Intro to Judaism class. You can ask questions about all different sects of Judaism, even if you're taking classes with the URJ, and a good rabbi will be able to give you cursory answers and resources to find more information. If Reform doesn't work for you, I'm sure that the other sects of Judaism have their own classes you can take. As a convert, I have not had to pay for my classes, and I think that's a national thing

Attend services. Don't be afraid to not know what's going on. Don't be concerned that you don't know Hebrew. Don't worry about them thinking you don't belong there. I still haven't formalized my conversion (I haven't been able to schedule my beit din), but my congregation considers me a member, and recently formalized my membership in our organization. They consider me a Jew, as much as I consider myself one. I am part of their family, even though I'm very new and know almost nothing.

And most importantly:

6. Keep reading. There are lifetimes of Jewish literature, information, and text out there. Jews keep extensive and detailed records of everything. When a Jew has an opinion, they write a book. And every Jew has opinions. I'm happy to give book recommendations, but this post has gone on far too long.

I know it's not a simple answer - there really isn't one. Conversion looks different for everyone, and takes different amounts of time for everyone. So does practice. I don't keep kosher but I give blessings over what I eat, even if it doesn't follow kashrut, because the blessing and gratitude is what is holy for me (and because I have dietary issues). I haven't hung mezuzot because I can't afford them, but I wear kippot because the visual reminder of the cultural and historical throughline of our people matters to me. I don't know Yiddish or much Hebrew, but I learn and ask questions and am enjoying immersing myself in a culture and ritual that I didn't know I needed.

I hope this is at all helpful. If you need or want personal help with any of these steps, please, please send me a DM and I will help you. I know it can be nervewracking to talk about religion, especially as an ex-Christian. I promise that my inbox is a safe space to discuss it. You're among friends, and I know your struggle.

Stay well, and may Hashem bless your journey, wherever it leads.