#I apologize to my fallout mutuals

[thefallenangelsgang]

The Avantris Fam Discord got this a few days early, but, in a burst of academic energy I haven't felt in weeks, I wrote a 2k word Literary Analysis on Marius from Edge of Midnight in 4 hours (complete with citations and sources)

What you are about to read is the culmination of an 18 day hyper fixation (I averaged more than a session* a day) (*each session being about 3 hours in length). It has only been slightly edited for better Tumblr consumption. It is legitimately almost 2k words. It starts VERY academic (as I get to flex my knowledge on an obscure Arthurian legend I love) and then immediately drops off in quality as I traverse some "dubious psycho-analysis" (my own words) and try to wrap up a half finished thoughts that should be thousands of words longer.

If you want to see my active descent into madness or the original google doc this was written in, join the discord (linked above!). I've got massive Legends of Avantris Brain Rot and will for a very long time I fear.

TW for Sexual Assault Themes (please tell me if my tw tags are not extensive enough)

CW for my insufferable academic attitude, literary analysis where no one wanted it, "dubious psycho-analysis", half finished thoughts, DnD, vampires, and my sailors mouth

Marius: An Analysis on Chivalry and Chastity

Break to save your dash

To get the literary shit out of the way, Marius’s seduction is a parallel of the Arthurian Legend “Sir Gawain and the Green Knight” intentionally or not. I have a sneaking suspicion perhaps The Duchess scene is also based on the “Tale of Sir Galahad” bit in Monty Python and the Holy Grail BUT that bit draws inspiration from Gawain’s story. So no matter which way you cut it, Marius is connected to Gawain to SOME degree.

Attempting to be brief, I’ll sum up Gawain as briefly as I, someone who loves this tale a ridiculous amount, can.

Gawain is King Arthur’s nephew, a knight of the round table, young, chivalrous, pious, but itching to prove himself. He loves the aging Arthur and Arthur loves him like a son but he feels restless in his station because he has not gone on a great quest like many of the other knights. 

Serendipitously, during the New Years celebrations a strange man enters Arthur’s great hall. He is green and carries a great axe in one hand and a bough of holly in his other. He challenges anyone in the room to hit him with the axe and he will return the blow in a year and a day. No one takes the man up on the challenge. Arthur is about to do it when Gawain takes his chance to prove himself. Thinking he can outsmart the Green Knight, Gawain cleaves the man’s head from his shoulders. Unexpectedly the Green Knight picks up his detached head, leaves the axe for Gawain as a trophy, and strides out of there with the reminder that he will return the blow in a year and a day. Gawain has effectively doomed himself.

Attempting to put off his fate, Gawain waits to seek the Green Knight until All Saints Day (November 1st). He is sent forth with all of the pomp and circumstance a Knight of the Round Table and favorite of King Arthur can get. He spends nearly two months seeking someone who knows of the Green Chapel where the Green Knight resides and is fruitless. Winter sets in and he begins to suffer exposure when he is greeted by a beautiful castle that seemingly appears out of nowhere. He meets the Lord of the Castle and the Lord's beautiful wife. In the spirit of Christmas the Lord challenges Gawain to a game. The Lord will be hunting the next three days, anything he catches is to be Gawain’s. In return Gawain is to give the Lord anything he receives during his stay.

Well what Gawain receives is a lot of unwanted attention from the Lord’s wife. She attempts to seduce the ever pious Knight. Gawain, minding his promise and his tenets, only allows her six kisses over the course of the three days. All of which he returns to the Lord. But seeing as she can’t sway him with the sins of the flesh, she tempts Gawain with magic. The same day she convinces Gawain to receive three kisses she offers him an enchanted sash that will keep him from harm. Gawain accepts this knowing it will save his life in the coming days. He breaks his promise to the Lord and does not divulge this gift.

Gawain keeps his appointment with the Green Knight who admonishes Gawain when he flinches at the first swing, holds back on his second, and finally drives home the third, only wounding Gawain slightly. Gawain now must confess his temptation to the Green Knight who tells him that it is not Gawain’s fault. This has all been a plan by Morgan le Fay to attempt to ruin Arthur. Gawain only fell to part of her plan and so it has been thwarted. He should learn from this stumble on his path. And learn he does.

Monty Python takes this tale and guts it for “the Tale of Sir Galahad” segment. Galahad is instead searching for the Grail when he stumbles upon a mystical castle with a grail shaped beacon. His temptress(es) are the “8 scores” of young women of Castle Anthrax. He too enters the castle sick from exposure and wounded and thwarts unwanted advances until he learns that the grail is not there. Before he can fall to his temptation Lancelot, Ector, and ironically Gawain rescue him from his “peril” judging it to be “too perilous” for him to face. (It is really important to note that the actual Sir Galahad in Arthurian Legend doesn’t have a story that even resembles this one. Galahad is supposed to be an emulation of good ol’ Jesus Christ and the perfect chivalric Knight. He literally ascends to heaven in his tale. The only reason Gawain’s Tale is used is because it is the perfect setting to test “Sir Galahad the Pure” as long as you fudge a few details.)

These are both humorous stories with happy endings. It is important that Marius’s story is not.

Marius is searching for the Grail much like Sir Galahad in Monty Python and the Holy Grail (a parallel Mikey brings up often by singing “Brave, Brave, Brave, Brave Sir Robin Marius”). 

Like both Gawain and Galahad his quest leads him on a lengthy adventure that causes him to suffer from exposure to the elements. A fate he is saved from by a mystical castle that appears out of nowhere. 

Much like Gawain and Galahad, this Castle is the home of a seductress. 

And all too much like Sir Gawain, the Lord of this Castle is away on a hunting expedition. 

But here is where Sir Gawain, Sir Galahad, and Sir Marius’s stories diverge. Because Marius’s story partially is a story of sexual assault. 

We see in the ritual that Marius’s “head is filled with exhaustion, wine, and a strange perfume that feels almost magical in its enchantment” (Nikkie’s narration, 2:32:00, Chapter 17). There’s literally no other way to say this, Marius cannot consent to the acts about to take place in The Red Duchess’s bedchamber. He is too sick, too drunk, and, on top of it, literally charmed. 

His affliction is also another facet of this assault. While his transformation is not a direct result or part of the sex act, it follows quickly on the heels of it. Nikkie even notes Marius is still naked and that the shame of what has just happened is beginning to bubble up.

(Now this is where I get into the dubious psycho-analysis)

Perhaps attempting to swallow that shame, he accepts the Faux Grail and drinks from it, not questioning the appearance of the so-called Grail of Dawn. If he can just get through this night he can bring it back to Victor and all will be righted. He can live with the shame if it saves his kingdom. 

But that isn’t the Grail of Dawn he is drinking from and the woman who has just taken something irreplaceable from him is not just a beautiful woman looking for the comforts of the flesh on a cold, lonely winter’s night. And he is going through something so much more horrible than being assaulted like he has been.

And so he ends up back in the cold, irrevocably changed through no fault of his own, and he hates himself for it.

It’s heartbreakingly common that Sexual Assault survivors blame themselves for being assaulted. Marius’s conviction that he was at fault, that if only he was stronger, smarter, less feeble, he could have found a way to say no. He could have escaped her clutches. He wouldn’t be a Dhampir. He wouldn’t be haunted by her noxious perfume. He would still have his clear connection to Lathander. 

None of it is really his fault. The Duchess took advantage of him. There was truly nothing he could have done to change his fate that night.

At this point I am trying to articulate some of the things @middycat_ @zer09851 and @purpledinosaurdnd were talking about here https://discord.com/channels/223485292449890305/892828741900849182/1182483200505815153 

I think I want to jump into my High Inquisitor thoughts because they tie so closely with the novel I wrote above. This section is admittedly a little more scatterbrained. 

The High Inquisitor is a perfect example of both Marius’s self loathing and the way abusers seemingly can sniff out who has been abused before. From the second we meet her she singles Marius out. While yes, Marius is the most “normal” out of the EoM cast, Jericho is a MUCH easier target. He is touch starved and his sin is literally Envy. Jericho would have bent immediately at the first hints of affection and then she has an actual demon under her control. But Marius, though a tougher catch, is a much tastier meal so to say. (Not in that way you freaks /j) 

By answering to the High Inquisitor’s beckoning is how we end up with Marius as the Crimson Abbot. His self hatred would make him spiral and he’d turn to his Wrath to compensate. We’ve seen it before, especially recently when he thinks Lathander has abandoned him. He gives in because it's so much easier. She wants me? Fine. Let her have me in all of my broken glory. I’m too wrong to serve Lathander. Etc etc. 

Man, I wish I could string these thoughts together better.

AHA! This was the thought I had that I felt needed more context! 

@middycat_ brought up “hoping beyond hope that it’s not lathander’s choice to leave him”

I think the severed connection between him and Lathander is both a subconscious self-sabotage and a direct result of the ritual binding him to The Red Duchess. 

Most of the binding rituals I was pretty comfortable with. Lethica, Briggsy, Farryn, and somewhat Yorgrim were simply binding themselves to their gods/patrons. (I’m still not entirely sure what the Maiden of the Mists' whole deal is about but she seems mostly benevolent for now. Mr Crossroads didn’t really make Briggsy that way, he kinda was a bastard from the start. The zombification was a result of “fuck around and find out”). The ones I felt least comfortable with and that are reaping the most consequences are Jericho and Marius. Jericho’s character analysis is another similarly sized tome that will have to wait but he is having a harder and harder time keeping Virgil in check. Marius has bound himself to the woman that literally raped him. 

No wonder Lathander has found it hard to commune with him, The Duchess is practically breathing down his neck, whispering in his ear that he is not worthy of Lathander. He has been debased, ruined, made unloveable in the eyes of that god. And at least up until Chapter 22 he has been pushing back against that. Not any longer. He’s given in. As @middycat_ said “he’s a tired old man, a jaded old soldier who should have long since given up this fight to someone else.” 

I am afraid we are about to see the beginnings of the Crimson Abbot

And the only thing that can save Marius are his friends.

But I am also afraid they may not learn their lessons in time. Many of them tried to encourage him to fuck or made fun of him for not fucking the High Inquisitor when he was clearly triggered by something. 

Jericho will have to quash his envy. 

Briggsy and Farryn will have to admit they were wrong.

Lethica and Yorgrim will have to speak up.

Inaction hurts as much as action

And Marius needs all the help he can get.

[If you stuck this out A) you deserve awards and B) check out my other 2k word research essay on a niche topic: Why Ghouls Look Different Across the Fallout Games (Not because of Stylistic Differences) ]

This is fucking insane but here are the sources i used

Sir Gawain

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sir_Gawain_and_the_Green_Knight https://www.yorku.ca/inpar/sggk_neilson.pdf (Translation PDF if you want to read the tale)

Sir Galahad

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Galahad (for the one time i reference his actual arthurian legend)

Monty Python (I really can’t believe I cited this)

https://montycasinos.com/montypython/grailmm2.php.html (This is a script I was quoting from) https://montypython.fandom.com/wiki/Sir_Galahad (I was looking for other info on him in the movie but ended pulling the list of knights from this)

Pretty basic article on why victims blame themselves

https://www.throughthewoodstherapy.com/sexual-assault-survivors-blame/ (In case you want to do some light reading)

EoM Episodes

17 + 22 Definitely Anytime the High Inquisitor shows up

[elizais]

arguments and make ups

when he realises he fucked up,, -dazai x gn reader warnings: nothing too specifically mentioned that you are arguing over

proper fallouts with dazai were uncommon. little bickers were bound to happen yet this had spiraled a little from something you just wanted to ask about. you were asking a genuine question over god knows what, it had been a long day for the both of you and sarcastic answer after sarcastic answer had put you both on your last straws.

stood in the kitchen, he was still joking around and it was frustrating. he's a man too smart for his own good, yet he hadn't realised that you were tired and didn't want to drag anything on. sighing, you pinched the bridge of your nose for a moment and looked at him.

"no, osamu, it's not-" you spoke, yet he only heard those 4 painful words. you don't call him that. you don't call him osamu. you call him 'samu or something sweet only he can hear. he became instantly lost in his own thoughts, staring off into space and you saw he wasn't listening to your point.

groaning, you walked into the bedroom. neither of you even remembered why or when this started. he stood there, knowing his sweet nothings wouldn't get him out of this situation. he should have just given you the answer straight up and not wind you up like he would for amusement any other day.

nobody ever called him osamu, at work he was dazai, chuuya called him an array of insults and at home he was 'samu. for someone so clever, and who always has a plan, he would have never planned to upset you. his mind began a competition of what voice inside his head could say 'no' the loudest to every possible solution he came up with.

if he was thinking rationally, he would have known you just wanted two peaceful minutes after a stressful day. he waited until he could hear you turn the shower on before quietly leaving the house after taking some leftovers out of the fridge for you to see when you come out to eat.

he wandered up and down yokohama's streets a little, feeling regretful. he knew you wouldn't hold a grudge but he wasn't going to forgive himself. you always treated him so well, never making him feel like a 'demon prodigy' or half of the 'double black' duo, and you unknowingly proved odasaku wrong. he always thought of how oda's words that claimed "there is no place in this world that can fill your loneliness" died the moment he met you.

osamu checked the time, thinking he should head back. he knew it would take more than a silly keychain of toro inoue to save his case yet he still bought one as he passed a corner shop.

arriving back home, you walked out of the bathroom door as he took off his shoes. he quickly shrugged off his coat and rushed towards you, pressing a chaste kiss to your hairline with a whisper of "give me 5 minutes, love." and hurrying to the bedroom and bathroom to get changed and have a shower - knowing it will boost his chances of getting you to cuddle with him as he apologises.

scrolling on your phone on the couch, you heard soft footsteps plodding over. a man who resembled an ashamed dog with his tail between his legs carefully sat down next to you. not looking up from your phone, you could feel his sorrow radiating off of him.

"darling, you know i-" you cut him off, "'samu, it's just been a long day." you responded calmly, looking up at him before a faint smile tugged at his lips. he could tell you were feeling better and wrapped his arms around you. falling down so that his back was laying on the couch and holding you on top of him.

"i'm sorry" he sprinkled in hundreds of times through peppered kisses on your head. giggles filled the room as he wriggled you around, smiling and forgetting about a silly frustration.

whoops!! accidentally forgot this is a blog with silly little fanfictions - consider this an apology pretty pleaseeee also: sorry for not chatting with my mutuals recently! life got in the way and shit hit the fan for a second!!

[molinaesque]

Cooper Howard and Lucy MacLean's rare and wonderful dynamic (and how it's ultimately alright if they don't become "endgame" or whatever)

First off... I'm saying this as a HUGE ghoulcy shipper btw. I don't wanna hear about some bullshit about how "you just don't like the ship" or something dumb like that (have you SEEN the state of my blog??). I ADORE this ship. These are also ultimately my own thoughts. Do not be affronted if this somehow doesn't apply to your hcs. At the end of the day, this is fiction, nothing more.

Something I have to note on about the wonderful dynamic between Cooper and Lucy. Even if ghoulcy stays platonic, I'm fine with it because this is the closest dynamic to Jack/Liz from 30 Rock that l've seen, and if anyone's seen that show, you KNOW what I'm talking about. Let me explain.

Jack/Liz were two v complex characters that had so much chemistry but the way their "relationship" worked was so unique in that they were never romantic but they're WAY more than just colleagues/ friends, etc. There was literally an article titled like "why you'll never see this kind of relationship in television again" and ghoulcy has the potential to be that again which is still GREAT! It even goes on to talk about how they're COMPLETE AND POLAR OPPOSITES but the dynamic still works and how they feed off of each other in the only way no other characters can. The "dynamic" is THEIRS and theirs only. Seem familiar?

From what we're getting not just in the Fallout show but from interviews with the actors and creatives involved, we're already getting that special dynamic. However, I must stress that many of the comments and those interviews (imo) are sometimes taken TOO literally. The existing text and subtext of the ship is already abundant and ripe so I feel like not EVERYTHING has to be referred to the ship and the ship only. I know it's mostly funsies but I legit wonder if some of this is taken too seriously to the point of misconstruing an actor's words and getting tunnel vision JUST for the sake of the ship and ship only, in turn cheapening what is already there. Kinda like what I've seen with people having to vilify Barb further with unnecessary inferences to scenes that give her more layers (like questioning her genuine love for Janey and Cooper. She can be loving AND a villain y'all. Both things don't have to be mutually exclusive) EVEN THOUGH SHE IS CLEARLY VILIFIED BY THE SHOW BY THE REVEAL SO WHY MAKE UP STUFF? To "punish" her more?? Apologies but this kinda reads as "I need to prop up my ship further so I MUST degrade the other ship" even though it's again... SUPER UNNECESSARY (I must stress I've seen this on ALL sides of shipping/character stanning. Both sides suck when you engage in this behaviour). Have fun and faith in the strength of your ships (ESPECIALLY if they're not "canon" adjacent)!

Anyway, as I was saying...

Going back to 30 Rock, there's literally a scene in the show where they get married due to shenanigans, they get in a big fight the whole episode and in the end sit down and have the most revealing discussion with a councilor about why they're so much more complex than typical relationship. And another scene where they sleep in the same bed together and addressed why they never hooked up with each other and why that's okay. By the way, I was also a HUGE shipper of these two... But I was fine with how they ended up with because the story of their special relationship that makes them uniquely THEM was clear and concise. This did not stop me from reading fics where they make kissy faces. It is possible to do both and I think some ppl tend to forget this.

I'm not saying this for the antis (don't like what you don't like, but if you harass shippers then you can suck eggs and leave. This applies to shippers to non shippers too btw. Be. Nice.), I'm saying all this because I want shippers to not "despair" if the ship that they've become so invested in doesn't come to fruition (and not go overboard into thinking that writers should listen to whatever audiences want all the time, we've been down this road SO many times, it's terrible. Do we REALLY need to talk about how The Rise of Skywalker turned out the way it did due to unnecessary pressure from the loudest antis/asshats in fandom? I think not). Maybe this is also more towards the younger audience members as a cautionary tale because we old ass millenials have seen and been through this but didn't have the immediacy of social media at our finger tips, so it was kinda easier to not be as reactionary. I don't like playing the "you youngins don't know what it was like" card, but at some points it is just a statement of reality. Some of you are/were LITERALLY too young to have experienced this.

Ultimately, what I'm saying is even if ghoulcy doesn't become "romantic", I'm fine with it as long as they stay within the "something more/beyond definition" dynamic which is ALWAYS refreshing to see. Give us more "what are we"! Give us more "it's complicated"! Give us more "we can't be summarized in neat little boxes"!

As long as they don't end up in the pit of "one dimensional interpretation of the Found Family trope which is somehow only just Familial and in this instance Father-Daughter". Please, I BEG. Nothing wrong for people to like this dynamic, but to immediately categorize this into that box is just... Tiresome. You can make the same arguments about "shipping two living beings together on screen all the time" too for sure... But again it leads to my point of if we're going the platonic route how about we NOT just shove it in the same boring dynamic of Father-Daughter that if you want, can find in multitudes of other forms of existing fictional media.

Tldr; have fun but always remember this is all fictional media in the end where we play with dolls in a sandbox. Just remember to BE. NORMAL. and not forget this and start shitting in it and flinging poo at each other. That goes with relationships with creators of said media too. Do NOT become parasocial and expect everything to be catered to you. The creators want to tell a story THEY came up with in the first place.

LET THEM.

[inkegg]

Antoinette/Toni

They/he

1999

Queer Filipino American comic artist/designer. Mostly posting about Fallout 4, Hellraiser & the Emperor from Baldurs Gate 3. But interested in monsters, wizards, vampires, and general horror with romance. I play visual novels and wizard101 sometimes.

No generative AI

Feel free to print my artwork out for PERSONAL USE. (Aka hanging in your bedroom) do NOT mass produce prints for sale and commercial use.

Okay to use my art for roleplay icon graphics with credit.

Okay to use my art as profile pictures and social media banners with credit.

Won't be mutuals with minors.

I spoil media. I apologize and warn in advance.

Occasionally posts/reposts gore and sexual/suggestive content

My art isn't for terfs or zionists/nazis.

Not interested in getting into anti/proship discourse. I think people should be allowed to create around any topic they want but that doesn't absolve them of criticism and the removal/exclusion of their work under private institutions.

Okie byee <3 I am now jerkin my regular sized peanists

[thetarttfuldickhead]

Jamie and Keeley fell back in love with each other on Keeley’s doorstep in 3x08. In this essay, I will—

Ah. You know what? I will, actually.

Ahem. Ever since Jamie came back to Richmond, him and Keeley have had an amicable and mutually affectionate relationship (always greeting one another, etc), but I don’t think there’s anything to suggest that they spend a lot of time together socially after Jamie’s return. Then there’s the funeral business and the fallout of that and the next time we see them interact it’s a whole new season, and given the slight awkwardness of otherwise fond encounter, I’d argue it’s likely the first time (or at least one of the relatively few times) they’ve talked in a bit. Not because they’ve been avoiding each other as such, but I imagine things got a little bit weird after Jamie’s profession of love. Once that was somewhat sorted (and in my heart I imagine some small conversation between them after Jamie and Roy have it all out, Keeley getting in touch like “I hear you apologized to Roy”) it’s the off-season, so there’s few chances of them bumping into each other at Nelson Road – and I do think that maybe Jamie was keen to maintain a respectful distance for a while, just to make it very clear that he’s not trying to woo her. As for Keeley, she was busy with her new company, so yeah, for all of those reasons, they didn’t see much of each other. Don’t really for two thirds of season 3 either.

But they never stop being fond of each other, yeah? They never stop caring. They’re just both all up in their own lives, Keeley with KJPR and her heartbreak and later her girlfriend, and Jamie with striving to be the best player and the best person he can be, the Zava of it all, and Roy. We know Keeley takes note of the changes in Jamie, but she’s got other priorities.

Then: the leak, and Jamie showing up on her doorstep, and the hug. And yes, of course it’s nothing but a headcanon, but to me that marks the moment when that old spark is quietly but undeniably rekindled.  

It’s pretty obvious in Jamie’s case. We know he never stopped loving Keeley: he accepted that their future was friendship and he focused on other things, but he never stopped loving her. And once he stood there, holding her, held by her, enveloped in her kindness and affection and with that familiar press of her body against his, her scent, everything he felt for her roared right back into full and flaming life: it’s not only loving her, it’s being in love with her. It’s arguably this (and the belief that her and Roy are well and truly over) that leads to him putting the moves on in 3x12.

For Keeley, I think it’s a bit more muted – more a realization of ‘I really like who this person has become and I’m so proud of how he’s grown and I could see something between us again’. (Also, holding him, being held. It’s Pavlovian.) It’s not really something she particularly plans to act on: she’s still reeling from the video leak and the Jack of it all, and she’s busy with her company. Still, it’s there.

For both of them, it’s there. Not grand or sweeping or all-consuming, not something that must lead to anything, but… Jamie and Keeley fell back in love with each other on that doorstep, and even if that doesn’t necessarily mean that things immediately or ever turn romantic between them again, they slowly but surely start hanging out properly again after that, just because they’ve been reminded of how much they truly like each other. How glad they are of one another. (Which does not in any way lessen or change the love they both have for Roy, by the way. The heart has infinite room.)

[bitzy-bop]

☆ HELLO KIND STRANGER!!! ☆

☆. The names Owen but you can call me Bitz or Markus if you want :3

☆. He/him

☆. Minor!!!1!1!1 (17 year old…..)

☆. Fandoms I’m currently in are Fallout: New Vegas, The Lego Movie, Electric Dreams (1984), The Amazing Digital Circus, My Singing Monsters, DHMIS, The Stanley Parable, Object Shows (BFB/TPOT, HFJONE, OSO, ION) and a lot more other stuffs!!!

☆. I MAKE ART!!!!!!!!!! (and reblog cool stuff)

☆. I fixate between fandoms like every week and also change my blog a lot so I apologize for that,, 😭

☆. Don’t be afraid to dm me, send asks, or ask for drawing requests!! (if it takes me a while to answer your ask it’s most likely because I forgot, too tired or too busy IM SORRY)

☆. HAIII MUTUALS READING THIS U GUYS ARE AWESOME AND ILY :333 /p

☆. My art tag —> #owen’s trash

☆. Add me on MSM plz!!! —> [ 1020085214FE ]

☆. Follow me on art fight hehe ↴

☆ THANK YOU FOR READING!!! ☆

Have a nice day/night!! (and enjoy my messy blog hehe….) <3

[poppyandzena]

As someone with borderline in remission, whose sister has active BPD and is working very hard to manage her symptoms, it’s genuinely depressing to hear how P&Z talk about BPD and infuriating to realize how many people with BPD listen to Poppy talking about it like it cannot be managed. I worked so goddamn hard to get to where I am today, and I am so goddamn proud of my beautiful, STRONG, WONDERFUL sister for how far she’s come with managing her own symptoms. When she recognizes herself starting to fixate on people or spiral around incidents, she tries to reach out to people she trusts and listen to their input rather than immediately letting her fears and pain drown her. Sometimes she still goes under, and when she gets enough distance from these situations to see clearly, she apologizes and tries to make amends. She’s learning more every day. When her “fixation” suddenly left her in an extremely traumatic way a couple of years ago (taking their pets with them and spreading horrible lies among their mutual friends on the way out) she fought the urge to try to find her and instead contacted my partner and me for support. And she managed the emotional fallout without giving in to her impulses. I was so proud of her then, just as I was proud of myself when I had a horrible fight with my partner and had the stability to take a walk and come back ready to talk about it calmly rather than going to extremes.

If you are reading this and have been convinced by P&Z that those emotional black holes that open underneath you are just your fate and cannot be changed: please listen to me. It doesn’t have to be this way. Love doesn’t have to be a roller coaster, you can love someone and have them be a genuine place of stability for you. You can experience all of that joy without the dread of what comes when they cross the line between “favorite person” and genuine partner. The relief that comes with recognizing that you will be forgiven, that you will still be LOVED, is worth building towards. I know how painful it is to live with BPD, and I know how much more painful it feels to fight it, but the world is so much bigger and so much more beautiful when you don’t explore it constantly weighted down by dread. The struggle is worth it. I promise. I may not know you, but I know there is a path from where you are to where I am. Don’t give in to despair. Don’t accept a lifetime of being victimized by your own emotions. You deserve much better than to just survive the storms, you deserve to LIVE. You deserve to know how it feels to fall asleep next to someone you love and trust that they will still love you if you wake up screaming and disrupt their sleep. You deserve to understand that you are not lying to those you love, you truly are someone worth caring about. You deserve relationships (familial, platonic, romantic or otherwise) that grow stronger through healing rather than being shattered by any conflict. You deserve to learn who you are underneath all the debris, and learn how you can love yourself and how you want to be loved by others. I hope you find your path to happiness, whatever form it may take.

I was afraid once of getting better because I was afraid I wouldn’t feel things as intensely and/or I’d lose my creativity. But that’s not what happened. Joy unbridled by dread, love unbound by insecurity, these feelings are worth fighting for. Your loved ones, unfiltered by every painful thing that’s ever happened to you, are more beautiful than you can imagine. The world is kinder and brighter and more complex than it appears filtered through fear. And I hope you all get the chance to see it.

Please do not listen to people like Poppy telling you that this is all you will ever be. Please. I listened to people like her for far too long. Don’t make the same mistakes I did.

Thank you so much.

[unpopularshipbracket]

Round 1a Match 16

Touko Kirigaya/Tsukushi Futaba/Mashiro Kurata (Bandori/BanG Dream!)

AO3 fic count: 0

Death/Bunnymund (Puss in Boots/Rise of the Guardians)

AO3 fic count: 2

Propaganda under the cut!

Bandori OT3

"Okay, so with these three, my shipping logic asks the question of whether it is gay to start a band with your two besties who you just met but immediately became attached to you and the idea of bands alike. The answer is yes. Mashiro, Tsukushi and Touko saw exactly one concert together at the very start of Morfonica's band story, and, after Mashiro began trying to start a band, Touko and Tsukushi immediately jumped on board, despite the facts that none of them had even touched an instrument before (except Tsukushi, who I think had played taiko drums before, but this isn't important), and this made them all super close. Later, when they'd recruited another member, the band had a bit of a fallout which caused Mashiro to briefly leave, and Touko and Tsukushi were both so upset by this that it interfered with their practice, and it was super obvious to even their new bandmate that they were just missing Mashiro. Then Mashiro apologized for the whole fallout and was happily accepted into the band again. This leads into a ton of events, since Bandori operates by progressing the story through different in-game events, which opened the story up for a lot of focus on their dynamic where Touko and Tsukushi's dynamic is pretty teasing from Touko's end but they still care for and respect each other a lot, Touko and Mashiro's dynamic is pretty similar since it's easy to poke fun at the mess that is Mashiro but for some reason Touko somehow ends up saying much gayer things to Mashiro all the time and helping to get her out of her comfort zone, and Tsukushi and Mashiro's dynamic, which I know is the most popular out of these three, is very devoid of this gentle teasing and is more based around mutual understanding, respect and shared experiences, since, instead of it being one of these two with an ever-confident Touko, it's somebody with super obviously low self-esteem (Mashiro) and somebody who seems very confident (to the point where the band story fallout I noted involved Mashiro being frustrated at Tsukushi because she saw her as somebody who was infinitely more talented and confident than her and that she was expecting too much from her) but also loses her confidence super quickly and very frequently loses faith in herself. Their dynamic is a little more focused on because a lot of their stories involve them taking inspiration from each other (such as in band story 2, which takes place after Tsukushi got a part-time job, and involves Tsukushi telling Mashiro that she wouldn't have even done that if she wasn't inspired by how confident Mashiro had grown). That being said, there is the underlying theme between the three of them just having a lot of admiration and trust in each other even if Touko rarely expresses it."

Deathster:

"I mean, life and death. Two hot furry men. What else is there not to love?"

[tacticalhimbo]

— 10 Fandoms, 10 Characters, 10 Mutuals

@perpetuagf tagged me in this and i am OBSESSED, tyvm for tagging me babs &lt;3

apologies in advance if anybody gets a repeat tag in this!

@carlosoliveiraa | @alexxmason | @captastra | @bbrocklesnar | @vendettapandav | @kourumi | @scarfacemarston | @captain-radioactive-mentality | @ollierachnid | @theavaricesystem

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

AIDEN PEARCE | WATCH DOGS; this man embodies older brother rage and it resonates so hard. like. the protectiveness over his remaining family. the fact he acknowledges (even if a bit harshly at times) that he is a bad guy. the fact he thinks he is utterly irredeemable… obsessed with him and his funky sense of fashion

APOLLYON | FOR HONOR; bastard woman. but i love her for it. her backstory doesn't get a lot of mention and i constantly think about how being a child when her family and such was slaughtered, and to have seen how the man who swore to protect them simply turned his back… i just. the way she's grown into someone who is willing to maintain the presence and intensity of war just to showcase its brutality. the way she took said man's armor and forged it to be her own. her brain!!! she is evil and i support women's wrongs o7

ARCADE GANNON | FALLOUT; the original "just like me fr" character, and one of the first canonically queer characters i had exposure to. my favorite companion always. his personality? incredible. his backstory? tragic. his humor? dry and awful, but i still love it and love him

DR. VIKTOR VEKTOR | CYBERPUNK; literally the character with the most transmasc swag i think i have ever witnessed in a game. like. genuinely. this man is trans to me and i am just so head over heels for this old man and his humor and his genuine care for those within his circle

ELSA WOLCOTT | WILSON'S HEART VR; underrated game and underrated character. genuinely. she is such a good character. i love the whole "parent who will do anything and everything for their child" trope (see: my inclusion of sam fisher and, by extension, aiden pearce). but like genuinely, elsa is such a tragic character when you look past the humor of the plot (re: the game being a mish-mash of horror tropes). i wish she coulda had a redemption arc q0q

MAJOR JACK KRAUSER | RESIDENT EVIL; bastard man. but i love him for it. the dynamic he has with leon (aka his obsession over his former ally) is so… man!!!! he also has transmasc energy and i really don't know how to explain it. he just. does

OBI-WAN KENOBI | STAR WARS; my first fictional crush fr, but also he is just. the character ever. the things he's been through, the way he uses them to better himself. the way he tries so hard to be a good man for everyone around him… obsessed

PUNISHED "VENOM" SNAKE | METAL GEAR; i am so normal about this man (lie) and the fact that he is a shell of his former self that has been molded to fit another's perfect image in an attempt to achieve a greater cause (one that would inevitably become corrupted and lead to his own death) and i just. mm. obsessed again

SAM BECKER | FAR CRY; underrated fave. i love sam's bombastic personality and how it stems from the fact that, after facing tragedy and having to adapt a role that makes him complicit in shit, he finally feels hope at things getting better (at least that's how i see it). he is my tragic little meow meow and i am still so sad about his death. i literally know it happens and every time i play the game i start getting so :((((

SAM FISHER | SPLINTER CELL; i discovered him while playing ghost recon and then he single-handedly shot me into the splinter cell series and now i am rotating him in my brain always. his character arc is one of my favorites, and a scene that always plays in my head is the one in conviction when he finds out the truth about his daughter's disappearance like. ugh!! plus i just love very involved and protective father figure characters (if you haven't noticed the trend on this list. and if you did? shush <;3)

[randys-ranch]

A whole slew of Nothing ahead. Proceed with caution. Or if you want juicy lore.

Two or Three years ago when i was kicked from the EPTG community i became severely isolated and started to wither more then i already have. I was already at my lowest point mentally because of school, personal relationship conflict, parental conflict and other such things- EPTG/Plainview were subsequently becoming huge pieces of comfort media and my biggest hyperfixations to date, you could say its "on me" for putting all my eggs in one basket, because i was bound to trip, fall and break all the shells.

Now, i do admit fault. I was a weird, horny kid- but from what i recall an enviroment was fostered briefly where that was a thing, i observed passively suggestive conversation and i had friends who encouraged it in private, one of them being a moderator. Its been years though, you dont need to know who it was.

I behaved abnormally, i would talk innapropriately, all sorts of weird shitty things. I deserved to get banned, but the subsequent fallout affected me poorly. I was okay with it for a long time but im beginning to realize this was kind of fucked up.

During "the purge" i believe only two people were banned.. me and Stella, i was never close with them but we spoke briefly- i eventually would distance myself from them however.. sorry Stella.

I was in the 'Gandhi Server' briefly, i was civil, tranquill(not quite), i tried to avoid the wrongs i had done in the past, i sat on my hands like this for awhile-dont know how long, but the damage was already done, i left of my own accord.

And i'd be isolated and tolerated by mutuals for about a year or so..

Some kindly folks would indulge me in conversation. If i were the one to initiate it. It was hard establishing relationships again, they were polite, very sweet, but not interested in conversation, thats fine.

People were allowed to not want to talk to me after all of that, but those folks seemed more sympathetic towards me.

I've largely been on twitter- before and after my first tumblr account was suspended because i beefed with who i believe to have had been the CEO or a tumblr mod on a private side blog during the Avery debocle- vehicles, smashing tools and combustion.

Im still alone. You'd be surprised to hear that feeling interest in Garten of Banban didnt get me very far, i only talk to a couple people weekly, im not in bustling communities, i can only try to find something akin to the past and hope i dont fuck it up this time.

Gyro is as good as dead, Gyro was my best friend. I loved them deeply. I miss them like a motherfucker but i cant have them back.

When what they've been doing came to light, i saw some people huddling together, discussing it in hushed whispers..

You recognized you were going isolate them, kick them to the curb- that it maybe wasnt a good idea. But you couldnt change their mind, we couldnt change their mind.

They were dead set on this pedophilic incestuos fantasy.

Im trying to move on from it, but i bring this up because People recognized what was happening, what treatment they were getting.

Frankly Gyros shunning was deserved and we couldnt feasibly keep them around-that much is true. But there is a selfish thought at the back of my head "did you learn this from the past?"

But Gyro has Mallory. They mutually enable this perversion, this sickening disease between them. Its going to be the death of the two of them. I dont want to think about them any more. I will brew in grief and regret and sadness for awhile, this is fine, im allowed to be angry and dissapointed. Im allowed to love something im not allowed to have.

I feel like im allowed to boil in anger right now. Kaz was exposed to be a self serving bastard- just before he was 'cancelled' i sent him an anonymous apology letter. I regret it. Frankly he doesnt need to forgive me nor do i need to continue to respect him.

I'd like to return to the media he produced that spoke to me so much, maybe the rose tinted glasses would come off and i'd see the stories for what they were? Maybe they werent that great? Haha i doubt it.

But due to general human decency..i think that approach to it is immoral. I promised myself to respect his wishes for me to promptly fuck off the second this all started, to stray from interracting with the media he produced and i'd even go as far as to stay from engaging with who he engaged with.

I respected the man for a long time, stayed away, thats good, i can pat myself on the back for that.

But i dont respect him anymore. I've seen claims this is all a smear campaign. Im not going to pick sides. The well of well wishes has dried up for me long ago.

Im trying to process everything, im trying to hold myself accountable for my past actions, i was a teenager now im a adult, but im also beginning to see the underbelly of the situation.

I think i deserve to be sour about the ordeal, its been long enough, and as people have said, Kaz is a bad person.

Maybe im being one sided. Maybe im being self serving in talking about it like that. Maybe people from the past with reemerge and remind me of my wrong doings.

But i'd like to make peace with it. There is a desire to return to EPTG and Plainview though..i think its been abandoned by everyone and noone cares anymore. But i do. I want to reread both, because i still love those stories, what they had to say, the characters within.

But i'd have to get his Good Graces in order to do that. I'd have to ask someone to let me speak to the man himself.

Thats not a favorable solution. Especially with the general perception that he is Bad.

Well atleast you still have people who love you, Diego. Someone to rally for you and advocate for you at your worst.

You, Gyro, have your new friends to worry about, pedophiles, zoophiles, "incest sexuals", yourself and Mallory. You disgusting, abhorrent bunch. You atleast have yourselves, in your endless digging of your own pit of despair. You will never crawl out. You will never be normal again. You chose a twisted perversion, you chose illegal porn over your friends. But you still have friends to call your own.

I hope you both can appreciate that.

[ccrowsiie]

I've decided to explain what's been going on with me for the last few months. I figured I owe it to my mutuals since it's definitely going to affect my behavior going forward. I feel it's fair to say something now and maybe even apologize in advance.

In a nutshell: My best friend of 12 years ghosted (me and only me) for people he just met, destroying our relationship. In a coconut shell: One of the most important people in my life allowed our relationship to not just stagnate but actively die, willingly and knowingly breaking our social contract and my boundaries in favor of the adoration and attention from strangers and newer, fresher friends. The fallout sent me into a several months-long spiral that regressed my mental and physical health and led to the relapse of my most self-destructive addictions.

The full story, abridged (if you can believe it):

1/? CW, mentions of child abuse, drug use, mental health.

For clarity's sake, I'll be referring to him as 'Bestie'.

In the hierarchy of closeness, Bestie was right under my husband. Our relationship was 100% platonic but emotionally watertight. We had our disagreements like any pals would, but for the most part, we were siblings. We'd gone on vacations. We'd cooked meals together. We hung out for hours and hours over the many years of our friendship. It's safe to say that he was the closest thing I've ever had to an actual brother. …Because my real one totally sucks ass. I don't have a good relationship with my family. At. All. The majority of our interactions are made out of obligation. It was my dad's literal dying wish to at least try and reconcile with my mother after a lifetime of drugs and abuse. I've been trying my hardest, but dear God she makes it hard sometimes. My sister is alright, I tend to keep her at arm's length because she's a control freak (eldest daughter syndrome + history of abuse) but to say that my relationship with my brother is antagonistic would be a massive understatement. I usually say 'We don't get along' and keep it at that, but it goes deeper. We barely tolerate each other… for reasons I can't understand. I was born dead last in my family, the next oldest sibling is 13 years my senior. Despite the age gap, I may as well have been born the middle child, because bro didn't give up his youngest spot. Both he and my mother show signs of classic narcissism.

You may be thinking to yourself, "Crow, not everyone you dislike is a narc just because your personalities clash~' Save it, please. Don't speak on what you don't know. My mother and brother are a classic narcissistic binary star system. Mother and her golden child. They revolve around each other in a borderline emotionally incestuous way. They do drugs together. She coddles him to an insane degree. He did not move out or get his first job until his 40s. Mom didn't parent me so much as she let me live in her house so she could collect a check from my dad. When I wasn't being actively abused by her husband (won't go into detail here, but know that he was my primary abuser, as he was also her abuser and to a lesser extent my sister's) I was almost always being actively neglected, sometimes in favor of brother. Like, locked out of/into rooms or told to go away whenever she didn't need me for something. Especially in my formative years (age 5-10), when mom was still shooting dope and leaving me alone for days at a time or bringing me around the men she'd shoot up with. I almost lost her to drug-related violence and she almost lost me to the state a couple of times. Eventually, she found a way to have her cake (me, child support check generator) and eat it too (heroin and crack). While she gained sobriety from hard drugs just before I entered middle school, the neglect and other forms of abuse persisted through the remainder of my childhood, until I enlisted in the military out of desperation.

So with all of that boo hoo hoo shit out of the way, it's safe to say that I have a bit of a -thing- surrounding abandonment.

[psychichomie]

List five things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last ten people who liked or reblogged something from you! Get to know your followers, mutuals, and all the wonderful people on here!

Oh, okay!

To be honest I've never known how to do these little ask-box games, and I apologize to anyone who's tried to get me to do one before and I just didn't get it haha

Five Things that Make Me Happy:

Writing

The Grishaverse (from the collection of Leigh Bardugo's books)

The Strawhats (from Eiichiro Oda's "One Piece")

Gardening

The Fallout series

Fire Emblem, but mostly Fire Emblem: Three Houses

Now watch out! I'll try my best to keep the game moving and sneak this into more ask boxes

[lifblogs]

Rules: list a song for every letter in your url

Tagged by: @poisonedyouth

L - “Legend” by The Score

I - “I am not a woman, I’m a god” by Halsey

F - “Fallout” by UNSECRET & Neoni

B - “Bloodshot” by Sam Tinnesz

L - “Livin In You” by Radio Company

O - “Onward and Upward (feat. Fleurie)” by Tommee Profitt

G - “Genesis” by Ruelle

S - “SOMEONE ELSE” by Bishop Briggs

Ha, yes, I managed a different artist for each song despite my obsessions with Halsey and Ruelle.

Tagging: @suncaptor, @evilwriter37, @envydean, @vanillachip101, and whoever else is my tumblr friend/mutual. A little too high and tired to remember everyone right now. My apologies.

[its-sixxers]

Do you or your followers know of any Fallout blogs that don't involve drama over what faction is morally correct or whatever?

I apologize if this is a weird question to ask I just really enjoy writing for this franchise but my initial experience with the fandom has left me convinced I am going to get killed by an angry mob for just breathing wrong

I’m not super active in the Fallout fandom anymore beyond posting my own stuff, which has been best for me swerving any of the usual fandom brushfires that start up. The Fallout adjacent blogs I follow these days are old mutuals who also have migrated to different fandoms as their primary but still post the odd Fallout related content, but I’ll post this ask in hopes my followers and mutuals can sound off in the notes if they meet the criteria!

Fallout being a large fandom means you’re going to get a bunch of different and very passionate opinions, and Tumblr being a website that leans into the activist space mixed with Fallout touching on real world politics with its themes does make it a powder keg at times since a lot of us have personal resonance with its themes. Great work comes out of the fandom due to it of course, so double edged sword. It being a longer running series (New Vegas is almost old enough to drive) also means you have a decade+ of old wounds and conflicts that you can unwittingly reopen. 😅

Regardless of what you write or draw there are going to be people who take issue with it, which can be disheartening if you’re new to the scene. My best advice is to make use of tumblr’s block and blacklist function, tag your work accordingly so that people who aren’t into it won’t be coming across it, and invest into a small circle of people who do enjoy your work, and to prioritize making work for yourself rather than others which is a pretty difficult mindset to get into but once you do it makes the greater fandom experience way better. Like most of my work is canon x oc and some people HATE that but I refuse to quit lol.

Anyways this turned into a long ramble, sorry about the wall of text but hopefully you can find your niche. :)

[magnetarbeam]

Scandal of the Century (WIP 2)

[The changes are mostly additions to the scene I wasn't finished with in the last version, and I did manage to work some of my thoughts about Jaina and Tahiri into an actual fic for the first time.]

“Do they have any clue about me?” Zekk asked.

Jaina and Jag considered their mutual fiancee's question as Javis Tyrr's holonews footage revealing the two's relationship played on the viewscreen in front of them.

“I don't think so,” Jaina admitted.

“I haven't seen any evidence of it,” Jag agreed after a second. “And we would have.”

The grins that crossed Jaina and Zekk's faces told Jag that whatever they were plotting over their unusually strong bond could be nothing but mischief. That didn't necessarily mean it was a bad idea, but one of them had to be reasonable, and that was usually Jag.

”All right,“ he sighed, ”let's hear it.“

”Since the nexu's already halfway out of the cage,“ Jaina said, her mischievous smirk widening, ”I think we should have a little fun with it.“

—

As much as she would have wanted to see the looks on the Masters' faces, the three of them did feel that Jaina and Zekk's duty as Jedi obligated them to let the Council in on it.

”It would help draw media attention away from the Order,“ Kyle Katarn said contemplatively.

“Which we desperately need,” Cilghal agreed.

Acting Grand Master Kenth Hamner pressed a hand to his forehead and sighed in exhausted exasperation. He said nothing, and they all knew that a specific direct order would be the only way to stop Jaina and Zekk from carrying out their scheme.

Kyp had been grinning in anticipation ever since he heard the proposal. ”I can't wait to see the look on Daala's face when you finish with this.”

—

“You could start a whole new Imperial custom,” Jaina joked, making fun of Jag for accidentally shooting his deputy minister in the foot as he foiled the recent assassination attempt. Zekk grinned as the playful banter went on.

Not for the first time, Zekk thanked the Force for how much both of his lovers had healed in the last few years, since those days off on Kashyyyk when they had all collectively realized how they truly felt about each other, after Jag had had to deliberately set himself up for Jaina to deliberately almost kill him in order to get through to her about how much of herself she was losing to her fixation on her training.

“So, your imperial majesty,” he asked Jag playfully, “does Conspiracy: A Methodology offer any advice on the best time to start our little scheme?”

Jag hummed in consideration. “If I ever get my hands on a copy, I'll let you know.”

———

The viewscreen wall displaying an image of Alderaan blew out, and an assassin entered, followed by two YVH droids. Jaina, Zekk, Leia, Han and Jag felled the attackers before the Pangalactus security personnel even entered the room. But then they were standing amidst the wreckage, and Jag was on the receiving end of a fusillade of profuse apologies.

And Jaina shot Zekk a grin. Now? she asked over their bond.

Now, he agreed.

Conveniently standing behind Jag, but in full view of the other observers, the two pulled into a passionate kiss.

———

”Well,“ Lecersen remarked after a moment of stunned silence. “I didn't see that coming.”

”No way,” Treen laughed as the conspirators observed the immediate fallout of the expected failure. ”This is too perfect.“

Lecersen smiled and began drafting the holonews article, with the scandalous capture as the cover image.

———

Over their mercifully uninterrupted second attempt at that night's dinner, Jaina didn't even notice that her ADHD meds were starting to wear off, because she was so hyperfocused on her anticipation.

She found what she was looking for even faster than she'd expected to.

The rest of the conversation, whatever it was, stopped in its tracks as she collapsed into helpless laughter, dropping the datapad on the table.

”Oh, this has gotta be good,“ Han remarked in anticipation.

Tahiri, who had joined them on the way back from Pangalactus, was quicker than Zekk in snatching the datapad from the table.

“'Jedi Cheating Scandal!'“ Jaina's sister read excitedly, raising her voice to be heard over Jaina's cackling. ”'The revelation of Head of State Jagged Fel's relationship with Jedi Knight Jaina Solo has drawn plenty of criticism from many, particularly Fel's detractors among the Imperial Remnant.'”

Tahiri paused for a moment as Jaina finally managed to get a grip, but the ”Galactic Empire“ correction didn't come because Jag had food in his mouth.

”'But it appears the situation may be even more complicated than anyone had realized,'“ Tahiri continued. ”'Mere hours ago, Head of State Fel was dining at the Pangalactus restaurant with his girlfriend, her parents, and fellow Jedi Knight Zekk, when an assassin blasted through a wall and attempted to kill Fel, followed by two YVH combat droids that attempted to kill the Organa-Solos in an apparently unrelated attack.

”'As the local security personnel arrived and conversed with Fel, Jedi Solo and Jedi Zekk kissed each other in full view of the holocams.'”

Tahiri paused for a moment, staring at the datapad incredulously, before continuing. “'Historically, Jedi Solo is not known for subtle approaches to problems, so it is quite a shock that she could keep a man as observant as Fel in the dark about a secret affair.

“'If Head of State Fel has not already heard of this story, he undoubtedly will soon. We wish him the best.'”

“And so,” Tahiri concluded dramatically, ”the Trickster works her magic again.“

”Kriff off, Ri.“ Jaina's smile belied the halfhearted eyeroll with which she habitually reacted to her sister's references to the act of deception that had long since become a running joke between them.

The nickname Ri was the syllable shared in the names from both of the personalities who had merged to form the individual who was called Tahiri today, and might or might not choose to be called Riina tomorrow. One never really knew.

[I don't really know where to go next with this. I've thought of having some scene spun off Jag's meeting with Lecersen in reaction to the attack at Pangalactus, which takes us to the end of Backlash. I might skip to mid(?)-Allies when the Skykhai vid goes viral, and the "breakup" of Jaina and Jag would also be staged for drama.]

[hms-tardimpala]

marriage of convenience bagginshield for the WIP game! the title has me 👀

EEEEEEE!! I'm so happy you asked about this one because (even though I love all my WIPs) this is my current baby. Apologies if this gets long.

Now, I love stories about royal marriages: they can be loveless, hateful, friendly, a business relationship, a mutual beard to hide behind, any number of things. And the potential for sexual frustration is high, and I like that.

I was having fun worldbuilding's Erebor's economical renaissance, and wondered "where would Bilbo and Thorin stand in this universe?" (although I like the story of The Hobbit as it is, in fic, I want Thorin to live and deal with the fallout of his actions) and the most interesting answer was that their relationship is fucked.

In my fic, they fell in love on the road, but while Thorin was goldsick, he married Bilbo in a fit of possessiveness, and was abusive. (to be clear, not sexual assault, but he was really pushy and possessive and ultimately, as we see in the movie, violent.) They stay married because Bilbo knows he wouldn't fit in and would be lonely if he went back to the Shire, and Thorin would have to find another consort and have an heir, and he refuses to pass on his susceptibility to goldsickness. It's better for the kingdom's stability. Also, the person they fell in love with is still there, right? (no they're not, these are all the wrong reasons, can you tell this is a terrible idea?)

I want to show how they become a very efficient ruling team as the years go on but on the personal side their relationship dies. I'm going to create a marriage that is so depressing. In public they look fine, but in private they don't touch, don't discuss their feelings, have separate rooms, etc. I want them to have created these coping mecanisms, walls of fear and guilt at the very beginning, but being unable to take them down when they want to later (which they will, yay).

It's about healing, abuse, duty, addiction (if I can fit it in, otherwise this one'll be a fic of its own), friendship, desire, and how these things mix together when they shouldn't and the result is ugly and not therapy-approved. And I want it to have a happy ending because I believe in healing and forgiveness.

Snippet time! Sorry it's long, I'm a wordy bastard. Careful, the vibes are rancid:

The wizard’s expression darkened, but he started moving again nonchalantly. “We had a similar nightly discussion some time ago. I warned you about Thorin and the effect dragon sickness would have on him. You told me you were not afraid of him, despite everything. Have you revised your opinion?” Bilbo kept walking, but it felt like a heavy stone had dropped inside his stomach. A shiver crept up his neck as the painful sensation of strong hands on his thighs and sides came back to him. He remembered the throat-tightening fear as he listened to Thorin rant and rave, go from gentle to threatening in an instant, Bilbo in his wake never knowing if this time he would escape the king’s fury or be discovered for the traitor he was and choked by a hand heavy with gold rings. He saw again the leering, the unbridled desire, the possessiveness. Thorin covering him in riches and bedding him on top of his cursed gold like he was one of his things to use as he pleased. [...] What happened didn’t matter because Bilbo couldn’t afford to grant it importance. The fact was that when he married Thorin Oakenshield, he married a dragon. A dragon that had since then disappeared, but who could tell that it wasn’t lying in wait, observing Bilbo hungrily from behind beloved blue eyes? “I haven’t,” he told Gandalf. “I don’t fear Thorin, I fear what he could become if he’s not watched.” “It is not your responsibility to watch over him, Bilbo,” the wizard said gently. It is. And not because Bilbo had taken hollow-sounding vows during a travesty of a ceremony hastily held in the treasury. He hadn’t needed a title or a formal bonding to jump between Azog and Thorin, to deliver him from giant spiders or the cells of Mirkwood, or to endorse his plea to the Master of Laketown.

This is gonna be unhealthy before it gets better.

Anyway, I hope you don't mind how long this got. Thank you so much for asking, it made me so happy to tell you about it 💙