#I am vulnerable right now
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Your voice is very nice. I want to hear it more often.
#moonlight chicken#moonlight chicken ep 8#heartliming#heart x liming#limingheart#li ming#the fact he said li ming's name 😭#don't touch me#I am vulnerable right now#thai bl#thai series#thai drama#bl drama#bl series#asianlgbtqdrama#myedit
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hey. if your looking for a solas x rook fic i have one for u right here im 27k words deep into writing and am offering you this like a cat bringing a dying rat to your doorstep
genuinely. bitch 4 bitch is my fave ship dynamic. i want them to kill each other with hammers
#none of you hold this over me i will wail i am being VULNERABLE RIGHT NOW#i hate egg man#but i also love him#as you can tell#rook x solas#solrook#do they have a ship name i have no idea#i post this after drawing one million rook emmrich pieces. two things may exist together i believe
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Initial drawings of that old man… I literally, I haven’t finished reading the book of bill yet!!! I had to stop and take a break for a week to feverishly draw fanart of myself petting fords floofy hair and giving him attention and shit…!!!! The urge was too great….!! I’ve literally. I had a crush on this guy the instant he was first REVEALED in the show, but I did not have the artistic prowess to draw good looking old men back then… but I do now… thank god… thank fucking god
#gravity falls#ford pines#stanford pines#self ship#self insert#si x canon#it me#doodles#I got a haircut! so my hair looks different now.. as haircuts tend to do lol#anyway… yeah… I LOVE HIM… GRAHHFJH#the confirmation that he rlly is just sad and lonely and insecure and craving attention and validation#OHH FORD BBY.. WE R THE SAME#like… ghghg i loved him already just w his prickly nerdy outer shell but knowing more about the vulnerable center is GREAT. ITS AWESOME#also hes a smart nerdy guy who can do science and expirements and shit which is ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS FOR A CHARACTER TO DO#u kno im all about scientists….#I couldn’t draw ship art back then 1 cuz I didn’t kno how to draw old men and 2 cuz I was like 13 lol… which would have been wierd#but I’m an ADULT NOW. GET OVER HERE FORD#also it didn’t even rlly cross my mind TO draw that stuff cuz even tho I did love ford#self ship and x reader sorta stuff was not NEARLY as popular back then.. like I specifically remember it like. booming in popularity#at some point. but being pretty rare before that. anyway. thank u passage of time and trends and new gravity falls book for introducing#me back to fictional man I love. so I can now draw myself smooching him and shit#hell yeah.#13 is probably not actually correct I do not remember exactly which year fords reveal was in…#but I was probably older then 13.. but still#the point remains lol.#also omg. the bit in the book w the goth moth. ‘ur probably into this sorta thing right?’#I AM INTO THAT SORTA THING FORD. thank u book of bill for being written specifically @ me. the immersion it’s great.#like ur so right ford I AM edgy and goth how’d u guess that tee hee. eyelash flutter#aLSO PLS IGNORE MY FINGER BEING IN FRAME IN THE LAST PIC. I was drawing in a tiny bound sketchbook#so I had to hold the paper down to keep it flat. and. I didn’t feel like censoring my fucking. pinkie finger out of the image
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I woke up this morning still thinking about Fadel waking up in Style's bed.
I wonder what was running through Fadel's head as he turned to look at Style, eyes still squinting against the too-bright morning light, the unfamiliar comfort of the shape of Style's name on his lips for the very first time. I wonder if he was too sleepy to process how strange it was that he didn't really mind being pinned down by the weight of Style's thigh thrown over his hips; that the sensation was grounding and reassuring rather than being confining or suffocating. I wonder if the thought crossed his mind that he wouldn't mind waking up like this again, wouldn't mind letting someone into his space, wouldn't mind giving someone the bared vulnerability of lying naked and unprotected with all the implications of unwavering trust that has -- not if it was with him.
I wonder if Fadel registered the way his heartbeat is steady and calm despite the strange surroundings and unfamiliar bed, because something in him has already labelled the person lying next to him as safe.
I wonder if Fadel even understood that this, right here, in all its quiet and unacknowledged stillness, was the moment he fell in love?
#the implications of a trained assassin whose own parents were murdered in front of his eyes and who has been burned by love before#CHOOSING to stay the night and then waking up naked and vulnerable and being ABSOLUTELY CALM AND AT PEACE with it!#yeah i'm calling it -- THIS is when fadel actually fell in love. it's why the rest of the episode gives us:#fadel being able to say out loud “i want him to accept me for who i am”; because a part of him already felt like style HAS#fadel telling style “you don't have to do anything to impress me”; because style has already earned the right to fadel's trust and heart#fadel answering style's plea of “promise?” with a kiss because he'd just lied to style with his words#so he tries to tell style the truth with his body instead#because he doesn't realise that a single phone call would be all it takes to turn his reply into an unintended deception once again#the heart killers#the heart killers the series#fadelstyle#fadel#thk meta#fadel meta#thk ep 6#hui talks thai bl#hui talks thk#i've been staring at this particular screenshot for a while and the way there's NO CONFLICT AT ALL on fadel's face just...#*sits in the corner with my head in my hands*#you guys are probably all really sick of me by now#I know I’m somewhat reiterating my point#but it hit me that this really is LOVE now…like I’ve been holding off on that conclusion for so long#because episode 4 gave us a confession of frustration#and episode 5 gave us a confession of fear#but this episode is fadel finally recognising the the has truly fallen in LOVE#and that makes epsisode 6 so much worse because it comes because fadel thinks style doesn’t love him in return
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I’m finally biting the bullet and contacting a therapist today after being ambivalent ab it for so long… this hellsite has its many disadvantages but one thing I can say is it has truly helped me be less scared of pursuing therapy. Silver lining etc etc
#And to be clear I have nothing against therapy. I’ve seen it do wonders for other people#I think the reason it’s a point of defeat (just a little) for me to be like ok. I need a therapist. Is bc I’m admitting to myself that I#need one to begin w. And I get it’s not healthy but I always liked to think I could handle anything by myself#That was even the whole point of this blog. It was supposed to serve as a conduit for these feelings#And I’m not saying I don’t have a support system. I do. I have many wonderful friends#But I struggle to be vulnerable at all tbh and whenever I am I’m guilty ab it bc#I understand so many people have busy lives & I feel like an emotional burden on them by venting#Despite them telling me that it’s totally fine. Obvi a therapist is literally paid to listen so no guilt there#And I think that’s what I need#I’m not like on the brink of a psychotic break or anything but it’s just little things. I think it’d be nice to sit in someone’s office for#One hour a week and just go. That did bother me actually. I am tired actually. I do feel that way actually.#Rather than just burying my feelings w school and a busy schedule#I don’t think therapy will make me any less of a workaholic anytime soon but it’ll at least allow me to slow down one hour a week#And also not bottle shit up so fuckin much#But ya all of this is to say I’m drafting the email to her RIGHT now .#Starting the day off strong by oversharing on tumblr dot com
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help a black woman in need
tldr; beat homelessness just in time to have my car repossessed.
hi ive been putting this off as long as i can because idk how to ask for help but i really need it rn. some of you might know, i was homeless since oct 2022. we found a place and have moved in at the start of this month (july). unfortunately this morning i was on my way out to work only to find that my car had been repossessed due to me falling behind on the payments (see: being homeless). i had to call off today but i need my car to get to work the rest of the week. im not asking for a specific amount because i need a lot and this will most likely be ongoing.but ANYTHING helps. please share even if you can't help out financially. words of encouragement/advice also appreciated. thank you 🙏🏾🫶🏾 pypl: @mkwats cshpp: $mkawatson vnmo: mk-watson
#i've literally been crying all day i have no idea how im going to make it through this#i do not like asking for help and only like 2 people knew about my previous situation but this is just so#all encompassing i feel completely defeated i really dont know what to do#sorry ill probably be annoying rb this#please do not be rude this is incredibly vulnerable i genuinely dont know how to even#put into words how defeated i feel#maybe its my own fault for waiting so long to ask for help#maybe if i asked sooner i would not be where i am right now but i genuinely hate feeling like a burden#im very much suffer in silence type but this is so much more than i can handle alone
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Thinking about the absolute shitshow that is the Iron Throne and succession on this sunny ash-cloud filled morning.
So as I understand it, there are a lot of different potential inheritance structures for the Iron Throne to be passed down via, because the Targaryens can draw precedents from any of their subjects (Andal, First Men, Ironborn, etc) with varying degrees of viability, plus also Old Valyrian practices, and however they were actually conducting themselves on Dragonstone for the hundred or so years between the Doom and the Conquest. Right? But I think the relevant ones for HOTD are:
Primogeniture, Male Preference vs Absolute Male Preference vs Absolute Primogeniture, Heir Designation, Elective Succession, and Right of Conquest.
Primogeniture is the inheritance model where the eldest child inherits everything. Inheritance isn't divided between potential heirs upon the death of their parent, it's winner takes all. Or rather, eldest son does. This looks to be how most of Westeros operates by default, and how inheritance works according to Andal law. The eldest son (or daughter if there are no sons) gets the title and all the other properties held by his predecessor unless he's been disinherited, and then other successors are determined in a similar order along the family tree (i.e. your next eldest brother would be your heir if you didn't have any kids, then sisters, then first cousins, and so on). But this also applies to heirs themselves, meaning, if you are Jaehaerys I and your son Aemon is your heir, and Aemon's only child and daughter Rhaenys is his heir, then if Aemon dies, Rhaenys gets everything that belonged to Aemon, including Aemon's position as your heir. Which is why Rhaenys would have been the first ruling queen of Westeros, had Andal custom in fact been followed.
Then, male preference and absolute male preference are systems that determine how much sexism is in play when it comes to selecting viable heirs. Absolute male preference means that only men may inherit, and only through their male relatives. Male preference means that sons get preferential treatment, but in absence of them, daughters can inherit (and also that sons can inherit through their female relatives, if applicable). Most of Andal tradition falls under male preference, where an eldest daughter will not inherit before her younger brothers, but it's not absolute because a daughter with no brothers will inherit before her uncles or male cousins. Absolute primogeniture is, on the other hand, when the eldest child is heir regardless of gender. I think this is what Viserys was gunning for, since his negotiations with Corlys and Rhaenys for Laenor and Rhaenyra's children indicated that he expected Rhaenyra's eldest child to inherit the Iron Throne one day, with no stipulation on gender. This would also seem to be the system that Dorne uses.
Heir designation, on the other hand, is when the ruler has the right to personally select their heir from all viable candidates (typically, their children or perhaps grandchildren, or sometimes siblings or even more distant relations). Heir designation doesn't seem to be standard for Andal culture or even what we see of the First Men (hence things like Samwell Tarly being disinherited via the Wall rather than his father just naming his younger brother Dickon as heir over him), but could have been practiced by the Valyrians, and it is this possible precedent of Valyrian tradition which Jaehaerys uses (I think?) to declare his younger son Baelon (Viserys and Daemon's dad) as his heir over his granddaughter Rhaenys, before Baelon's death inspired Jaehaerys to call for the Council of 101 to decide the succession instead.
Which is where elective succession unexpectedly comes into things. I think the only Iron Throne vassal we see practicing such a thing are the Iron Islands, with their kingsmoot? But the Iron Islands are not generally popular or often emulated elsewhere in Westeros, of course, so in this case Old Jae's probably still taking his cues more from Essos or potentially also Old Valyria? The Council of 101 may or may not have been rigged, but at least by appearances, it allowed the lords of Westeros to elect their next leader from a limited pool of candidates (Rhaenys or Viserys).
The final succession structure relevant to HOTD, of course, is the Right of Conquest. Right of Conquest is when the realm will legally grant you the ownership of something if you have seized it via some kind of military might (usually with some stipulation that you have not only taken it, but held onto it for at least X length of time). In Westeros, the Right of Conquest was how Aegon I and his wives used their dragons to establish the Iron Throne, and as a rule it can pretty much overthrow all the other precedents (as it did for the conquerors). But I'm pretty sure this is also why the succession feud after Viserys' death is pretty much guaranteed to become a fight, and it's a major contributing factor to there being so many goddamn civil wars in Westeros. Can't beat your brother's claim? Well, try beating his ass instead!
So... basically, we have a giant, inconsistent mess that has been muddying the waters of the Iron Throne's succession pretty much from the beginning. The Iron Throne follows mostly Andal law and customs, except when the king doesn't want to, and then maybe it follows Valyrian customs or Essosi customs that might be Valyrian or some custom from some other group of subjects or the king just goes "I do what I want" and reminds everyone else (inadvertently, in the case of Viserys) that there is a legal Whoever Punches Hardest Wins clause baked into the system.
Which makes it nigh-on impossible to claim that such-and-such a candidate in HOTD (or even ASOIAF) is being robbed of their rightful inheritance, doesn't it? Whether it's Rhaenyra being the designated heir or Aegon being the eldest son, not just because it's all claptrap anyway, but because there is no stable precedent for who actually has the rightful inheritance even when you're trying to play ball with the existing systems. After Aegon I's death the throne passed to his eldest son, Aenys, but the throne then went to Aenys' brother Maegor instead of his kids. But ultimately Maegor was wildly unpopular and died childless, and so everyone decided that was an outlier and the throne reverted back to Aenys' line, and went to Aenys' son Jaehaerys. Which means there's no firm or stable ground to fall back on before Jaehaerys' own sexist farce of a succession, or the absolute hash Viserys subsequently made of the matter either. Andal law and custom would normally favor Aegon over Rhaenyra, that's true, but those same laws and customs would have also favored Rhaenys over Viserys, and the throne's predominantly Andal vassals voted against that. Which might seem to endorse heir designation, since that was how Jaehaerys selected Baelon and through Baelon, Viserys, as his own successors, but then again the Council was called on the premise that heir designation was insufficient, so perhaps an elective system should actually be in play? But Viserys doubled-down on heir designation and/or absolute primogeniture instead, without even really clarifying which he meant the throne to go by. If he actually filed paperwork beyond the sworn oaths (which he didn't even renew after Aegon's birth or in the decades after), it didn't survive to make into the historical record.
And of course, everything can be upended at any time by a sufficient show of force. Which is not only viable in terms of forcing the issue, but also legally valid, and thus less liable to prompt rebellions and strong rejections from the general populace.
Ultimately we know that the Iron Throne settles on absolute male preference and primogeniture, but all the characters trying to apply this standard to the Dance era are doing so in retroactive judgment.
#hotd#house of the dragon#asoiaf#long post#disclaimer that I am not an actual expert in these things and this is a very basic summation of them and possibly wrong in some places#but like that's the overall gist right?#I now have more appreciation for how huge a mess this succession is even without vizzy t's personal contributions#let's give jaehaerys I more credit for absolutely fucking shit up too when he could have just followed regular sexist andal custom on it#instead of upgrading to super sexism#the iron throne has never really had consistent inheritance rules in place and it is a major contributing factor to the chaos of westeros#the most powerful and most vulnerable seat has ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and 'come at me bro' for succession law
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Anyways don't think about how much Jean Moreau just wants to be loved and cared for and the heartbreaking capacity he still has for love and tenderness and care DESPITE IT ALL. Whatever you do, don't think about it!!
#jean moreau#aftg#tsc#jeremy knox#I am thinking about it and then thinking about how I need to write a fic about it and then looking at my list of fic prompts and wincing#I'm writing a sick fic right now because I need that boy to be coddled and babied or I'll die#Like i'm obsessed with the idea that the first time Jeremy can be unflinchingly and straight forwardly very tender with Jean is when Jean i#at his most vulnerable and unable to care for himself#It's about being so broken open and vulnerable that you have to let the light in (Jeremy is the light) and then realizing that there is no#punishment for needing and wanting that
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CHECK AND MATE ♟️
#Nevermore#Nevermore Webtoon#Webtoon#OHOHOHOHOHHOOHHO AN EPISODEEEEE#Wow just out the gate she wants the biggest secret he has (I wonder what it is?????)#Be vulnerable or die. Seems like you’re already doing the first so just lean into it#Ada “😓 can barely watch Montresor like this ohooooooo” oh boi#I had the exact same thought process as Prospero watching them 😂#“No one knows more secrets than a queen.. Lenore” And there she is collecting secrets#“Louder. So they can hear” OOOOOOOOOOO “And what I want right now is for you to beg” AAAAAAAA “For the thrill” AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#ANNABEL YOU’RE SO COOL#His disdainful expression while he’s begging goddamn 🫢🫢🫢🫢#Look Monty they care about you (I guess) try caring about them for once#POSH BESTIES MOMENT AAAA THEY’RE SO CUTE TOGETHER (PLATONIC)#Seriously like the ep. 71 hand moment and the ep. 80 hug and now this like Posh Besties is so cute#I wonder what the favor could beeeeeeee#Also hi all the suitor armor fans amongst us how’re we fEELING#:D I for one am feeling like 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#And that’s all I’ll say :’D
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I'm going feral again with a silly headcanon.
I just had that post on how Odysseus made Puzzles for himself and Penelope and I have another idea and I'm just really excited to share it lksdjf
I basically plan to have this man in love with Penelope within 10 mins (I HAVE A PLAN! It sounds crazy but I think it'll work. Plus these two are reckless and young when married. His first crush and he's not handling it well.)
This is them. Or at the very least Penelope is definitely playing it off very nonchalantly and is kind of messing around at first, thinking that the "trickster" is "not being genuine" when he's never been more genuine in his life. She can see right through all his lies and bullshit and basically forces him to be vulnerable, something he loves yet is TERRIFIED of. Especially as she "unmasked" him so quickly (and tricked HIM.😉 Won't say how. no spoilers yet) and so effortlessly and he's just a MESS. Athena isn't helping and just watches them both fumble around, even when Odysseus is asking for some guidance, Athena just smiles and is all like "I'm the Goddess of Wisdom, not of Love. Figure it out yourself." (PENELOPE IS JUST AS MUCH OF A BLORBO TO HER AS ODYSSEUS IS, YOU COWARDS!)
(Art by isei-silva right here on tumblr! Their post! )
I won't go into huge details. I WILL write this fic someday and I need to leave SOME things a surprise. But KNOW this man will be pulling out all the stops trying to impress her and tries to show all the things he's good at and one will be his "puzzle making".
He'll bring a puzzle to her TRYING to talk all "suave" (he'll be semi-tongue tied. Something that he's not used to and is annoyed that he can't seem to think around her)
It'll probably have a little gift inside and he'll be chatting away about how he worked hard to make it and that there's a trick to it and blah blah blah
Penelope: Oh! There's (some sort of treat or gift) inside!
Odysseus: Wait, you solved it already?
Penelope,🤨: Yes. All you have to do is this.
Odysseus, falling (more like sprinting at this point) further in love but also mad his plan to woo her didn't work: Well... Yeah. That's a gift for you.
He's trying SOOOO hard but he has to stop "showboating" to genuinely impress her. Man has to be fucking vulnerable for her to be impressed by him because she already can read his "tells" on when he's pulling something. No more "tricks". Be yourself, you fucking idiot >:D
#uygfidhsojhf I revealed a LOT already but I just??? I really love writing this man being a fucking mess and not knowing what to do#for once in his life. The man who “always has a plan” now DOESN'T know what to do and he's all feelings right now.#And Penelope has no time for tricks (unless she's the one pulling one). They've both met their match (in practically everything. Likeminded#remember?) and they're both excited and scared because#I'm a trickster. He/She is just like me. I desperately want this to be real but I know how good I am at tricking people. What if this is a#lie?“ BOTH have to stop ”tricking“ in order to truly bond. And then I get into the nitty gritty >:D#Like how Odysseus has to be vulnerable and sob about their bed to get her to believe it's him. They did the same in their youth.#It's a PATTERN for them at this point.#I love making this man simp and her realizing that this “trickster” IS genuine. This man actually loves her and that there's no “game”.#then it's HER turn to be a mess >:D#odypen#Mad rambles#shot by odysseus#my headcanons#Hi. I'm vibrating from excitement and I don't know what to do.
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as a star wars fan, i really hate being a star wars fan
#nothing but angst#nothing but pain#and i am hurt#and i am sad#and i am emotionally vulnerable right now#tbb spoilers#the bad batch spoilers#bad batch spoilers#bad batch season two#bad batch#tbb s2e16#tbb finale#the bad batch season 2 finale#crosshair#hunter#echo#wrecker#tech#omega#hunter bad batch#wrecker bad batch#crosshair bad batch#tech bad batch#echo bad batch
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been thinking about bruce being lost in time and going from era to era remembering nothing of his past lives other than eyes of a colour he can't quite describe. he doesn't know the man that they belong to. there's this weird sense of familiarity there, this niggling feeling that makes him drift towards him, but he never even finds out the man's name. and yet every life he lives, the man is there, never changing, never aging.
and then he gets home and finds alfred and looks him in the eyes and-- they're the same eyes. the same colour he's never seen on anybody else.
alfred looks at him like he knows. like he knows what bruce has been through, like he's known this moment would come, like he knows exactly what he's supposed to do and yet has no idea where to go from here.
and bruce can do nothing but hold him, but be held by him. by this man who has always been there for him. by this man who seemingly isn't much of a man after all.
#this was also in my drafts but i saw another post about eldritch alfred#the one i just reblogged#and suddenly added onto this was bruce finding out that alfred didn't start aging until bruce was born#because that was when alfred starting using more power#to protect bruce and then also his collection of kids and allies#but none more so than bruce#and that's the actual reason for bruce's 'plot armour'#it's alfred always giving bruce just the right amount of luck. always bringing him back from the brink of death.#but even the powerful have a limit#and then there's the whole thing of alfred eventually being killed#and bruce knowing that alfred was only vulnerable enough for that to happen because of how deeply he had protected bruce#oh and also. alfred transferring the last of his magic to bruce in the moments before his death as one last way to keep him safe#and now suddenly bruce (who was already oddly magical) has all this power that he needs to learn to live with#i'm never going to get around to writing this but my god i want to#i always feel the need to apologise when the tags go on too long#which is stupid. this is my post. why am i sorry.#alfred pennyworth#bruce wayne#batman
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You can’t force people to be honest with you. If you’re an up-front person who doesn’t have a problem asking for what you need, it can be easy to interpret wishy-washiness as cowardly and manipulative. It obviously sucks to be in emotional limbo, and I don’t blame you for interpreting their silence as a punishment. But have you considered it might also be a form of self-protection?
“Why won’t X tell me what’s wrong? I’m not a mind reader!” is a common complaint. But the question which often occurs to me is, who does that clarity benefit? Does the teller have reasonable grounds to believe expressing their anger is a safe or productive thing to do? Is it going to lead to deeper understanding, or just another argument? Is the person demanding an explanation going to listen, or use the teller’s complaint to retaliate, linguistically outmanoeuvre them, or adopt a position of victimhood? Often a request for clarity is disingenuous. We know what we’ve done and just don’t want to have to be the one to bring it up, because we feel guilty, and it’s easier to take a defensive posture than proactively apologise.
Not to mention that when we’re upset, the last thing we want is to give the person who offended us an opportunity to relitigate the situation. Especially if there’s wounded pride involved. It can be humiliating to confess the depth of your hurt feelings. That kind of honesty is an act of generosity, not emotional obligation.
Help Me Hera: Our Couple BFF's Won't Forgive Us
#this has gotten me through the last month i am not even kidding not even a little bit .#it articulates something that i have been trying to put my finger on for a while now#that articulating the depth of your hurt and humiliation to the person responsible for it is an act of incredible vulnerability#and if you choose to do that i'm proud of you! but it is a privilege that you alone have to right to bestow#'i can't make it better if i don't know what' wrong' is such an insidious way of reversing power dynamics#and frankly an incredibly entitled way to view the world like who asked you to make it better? maybe you'll just have to stew#no one is obligated to share their innermost self with you no matter how badly you want them to#and if you cannot accept that very basic boundary then i have an idea why someone else might be so mad at you
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I mean I’m obsessed with crash landing on you because it’s like if a hallmark movie was good and that is fascinating to my brain and healing to my heart.
#I didn’t think such a thing was possible#I’ve been living very much in a world of extremes lately re: Art#like. on the one hand all the great works I teach just taking OVER my brain#and my knowledge of them deepening at a very rapid pace#(sometimes in a too terrifying way so I feel like I’m hurtling down a hill. it’s actually really hard sometimes and I think part of how)#(my anxiety is manifesting itself. like. I just. I don’t feel like I’ve taken a deep breath in a year)#(I’ve just been in. motion.)#and then on the other hand finding new ways to find shows like Bridgerton dead#and Bridgerton helps with that because it is emotionally hollow. because it is fundamentally embarrassing#because Anthony snarling at Kate about how his honor is hanging by a thread isn’t sexy at all#so my mind has kind of just been living in those two extremes and there hasn’t been a lot of room for gentleness or nuance#but cloy is very healing 😭 and it just doesn’t#push the buttons in my brain that immediately need to analyze and#to some extent—destroy! tear apart! with fierce and savage energy.#it just lets my brain and heart exist.#and also there is something so sweet and pure and real about so much of it#I think it’s cause it’s true love 😭 and it’s that simple.#(I’ve also outgrown/moved on from some of the more mediocre things I used to love. Like I just needed something new) but yeah.#it has been very hard in my brain lately even though it’s also been very good#like. teaching is just a lot these days. because it takes sooooooo much effort and work to get the kids going intellectually speaking#and one of the only ways I know how to reach them. or at least the lane I’m really driving in right now#(I know there are more ways)#is simply speaking to them above their heads. with passion and energy and a certain degree of expertise#and it’s WORKING#because it wakes them up and makes them want to engage#but I am also moving so fast and so vulnerably for all of my certainty. that it’s just hard.#I need to relax but I can’t. I feel like the devil is behind me every second#this is dramatic. and as Lewis said in surprised by joy it’s only one layer of what’s happening#but it is what happening#a lot of things are unfolding/growing and also the anxiety is terrible
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like. two months ago i was born all alone in a wet cardboard box. i’m one of those half-cooked ancient invertebrates that started developing legs but not the bones or muscles to use them. i’m 6 inches tall. the armor i wore before i died is oversized and i fall through the cracks and i’m just naked. and every little tiny thing can hurt me or squish me or drown me.
#i was always a sensitive creature but rn i am so vulnerable#and it fucking sucks!#it’s really painful and hard!!#like. i am rebuilding myself from the ground up right now#and i need everyone to be considerate of that.#but nobody irl is considerate of that.#so grateful for my faraway friends rn.#their patience & support is keeping me sane.#izzy.txt
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