#it involves being looked at and stared at and judged and evaluated on appearance every single day

[itspileofgoodthings]

I’m just going to SAY it, to get it out of my system: I am tired of feeling extremely Not Pretty!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is disgusting!!!!!!!!

[depths-of-hope-and-despair]

Doubts

The next day, Aditi opted to clear her conscience by planning for the future. The next few days, she could visit Hajime and talk out her concerns. The Trifle situation was... more difficult. She paced outside her sister’s door for.. hours it felt like. In reality, it was only five minutes of hyping herself up, only to chicken out and speed walk back to her room. Her brain being so busy with ideas and studying dreams means she felt exhausted by the end of the day. Enough to fall asleep normally instead of with alcohol.

She suspected these dreams in her sleep was a form of self-analysis. That Albert was merely a character that existed in her head, that she could use to learn about herself. But, his reactions were independent of her? That wouldn’t make much sense. Least to say, when the dream blurred into her vision, she was the first to speak this time. “Do you exist independently from these dreams?” She blurred out without giving a second to consider waiting.

“Good day to you too.” Albert responded without the usual bravado, reading through the notebook he had been writing in the whole time, clapping it shut again, the usual smile appearing back on his face as he responded casually: “I don’t see how this is relevant to our progression, Aditi. If we were here to smalltalk and dilly dally, I would have met you in a cafe.”

He smirked a little as he remarked: “Dilly dallying is quite the entertaining word, don’t you think?” He chuckled to himself as he opened a drawer in his desk, procuring some papers, eyes roaming over them.

“You’re as humorous as you are straightforward, Doctor.” Aditi muttered in annoyance.

“For today I thought we could do a little personality test. Nothing too intrusive, it is just there to distinguish your basic characteristics, like punctuality, empathy, introversion or extraversion etcetera etcetera, you can also choose not to answer if you are not comfortable. All of these questions can be responded with ‘yes’ or ‘no’, you do not need to elaborate in any way.”

Aditi folded her arms together, much like a pouting child and rolled her eyes. She figured that questioning him any further was a dead end at this point. He was fair too cryptic and waffling to let her in on secrets. With a disappointed huff, she nodded to give her agreement to the test.

He wrote Aditi’s name on the paper and then read some of the questions to her:

“When I see someone crying, I feel the urge to hug them and try to make them feel better.”

“I often miss public transportation.”

“You can find me at the club every Friday night.”

“Family is extremely important to me.”

“I need social interactions every day to function.”

“I like to try out new things.”

The first, made her pause. Did she feel the need to hug or comfort anyone she saw crying? The answer was no. Crying only immediately provoked curiosity in her. Her sympathy pains only seemed to be accessible only with her loved ones. People she knew, and already could appreciate. Both being true, her choice was to stay neutral. “No answer.”

The second was simple. The few times she relied on public transportation, she was never late. Rather she stressed about being early. “No.”

The third took no time either. Easily assumed, she was a wallflower, and hardly ever had fun at parties. Unless illegal means were involved. “No.”

Family. The ones she chose as family, yes. Celia? Trifle? Knifu? The first name, no. The second.. yes? And the third was yes. So, she decided to follow suit. “Yes.”

Did she need to interact with someone everyday? No. She went without it for years being raised by Celia. “No.”

Trying new things? Adventure. Discovery. Absolutely. “Yes.”

He nodded along to her answers, occasionally looking down to jot the right square, a smirk edging on his face at the attitude Aditi was giving him. “Are you doubting my measures? Just wait for it. By the end of this test you might be surprised by how much more I know about you. I’ll just need a day to properly evaluate it.”

Amusement was edging on his face, a weird static atmosphere starting to fill the office as he continued with his questions, making sure his voice was clear so there wouldn’t be misunderstandings.

Aditi stared back defiantly, clearly not buying his claim. Answering a few questions with yes or no wasn’t nearly enough to get an idea of what that person was like. The static noise and atmosphere didn’t phase her outside of a more narrowed sharp gaze. He continued:

“I regularly go on holidays.”

“I suffer from thoughts that don’t seem to be my own.”

“I don’t understand social cues often.”

“I have a hard time imagining myself in someone else's shoes.”

“I feel the urge to physically harm people that have done me wrong.” His eyes flicked up to her for a moment to see her reaction.

Regular holidays? That referred to taking breaks and enjoying the company of others, didn’t it? “Yes.” She nodded.

Hear thoughts that aren’t her own? She remembered struggling with this since childhood, even before Celia. “Yes.”

Social cues. At first, she struggled with them desperately. Nowadays? She was fair better at reading the room, but not too comfortable to call herself an expert. “Yes.”

This one was easy. A perspective empathy question. She often exorcised her ability to relive the memories of others, in order to gain more empathy for them. While it was intrusive, it was the fastest way to understand. “No.”

The last question caused some amount of discomfort. She clearly didn’t like the question. But she disliked her answer even more so. “... Yes.” She admitted, glancing away while doing so.

His grin widened at her answers, quickly writing down the answers and reassuring her. “You‘re doing great. Don’t worry, we are almost done...” He flipped the page, a soft singing was audible, so quiet it could almost be missed. It sounded like a little girl singing a nursery rhyme, but in another language, so it wasn’t sure what she was singing.

When he talked, it sounded like multiple voices, hushed whispers accompanying him like backup singers, but the man himself didn’t pay it any mind, continuing as if nothing weird was going on.

“I wish that I had more friends than I actually have.”

“I feel the urge to harm people for no clear reason.”

“I feel scared of what the future holds for me.”

“I feel guilty.”

“I feel disliked by people around me.”

“Get out of here.”

His voice was very quiet compared to the whispers that were accompanying him, maybe those weren’t actually the questions he was asking and just the whispers, but he looked at Aditi expectantly. The whispers were still audible, telling Aditi to leave.

Aditi listened to the whispers and singing combining together into a whirl of madness. It was much like a nightmare, one of the standard ones that showed anxiety in others. People could hear voices of disdain talking to them mostly when they themselves felt judged by others. None of this triggered her into a breakdown thankfully, only medical themes or visions of past mistakes caused her to falter. While unnerved, she pressed forward, eyes narrowing in response to his encouragement.

Did she want more friends? She has been told many times that she isn’t easy to approach, and when she takes initiative that can turn poorly as well. Part of her wishes was that she looked more inviting. “Yes.”

A desire to harm others for no reason. Generally, no. She didn’t want to hurt people without reason. Only when she lost control did she feel that impulse. Of course, she considered herself a sadist to an extent also. Those factors made this question difficult to answer. “No answer.”

Scared of the future? Who isn’t scared of the future? Of the unknown? It’s only natural to feel that way, right? “Yes.”

Guilty. She barely had to think of her answer. “Yes.”

Does she feel disliked? That’s strange too. Her whole life, she was surrounded by people who wanted to kill her, or adored her. The laboratory experiment children would’ve gladly watched her drop dead. The cultist would’ve given their lives for her. Only now was there a happy medium. But... the bitterness of the past wouldn’t let her see on the brighter side. “Yes.”

“Very good, Aditi. You are doing great. We are almost done actually.“ He jotted more stuff down, his expression looking a little off from just a few seconds ago.

“I just have 5 more questions for you and then we can end tonight’s session.“ he informed her, turning the Page, fingers tightening around the paper and crumpling it lightly. He opened his mouth, but suddenly his voice was completely gone. It was like he got muted, in his place the whispers filling the room. He still held eye contact, though it was more like he was looking through Aditi, something clearly on his mind. And instead of the questions she heard:

“I’m sorry this is all my fault.”

“You don’t deserve this.”

“It should have never come to this.”

“He’s hunting you. He’s a monster.”

“Get out of here.”

His mouth closed again and he looked at Aditi expectantly, waiting for her answers. He looked less worried and more hopeful now, a giddy glint in his eerie eyes.

While shutting out the instructive thoughts was easy enough when she could hear a voice over them. Now? No. It wasn’t easy at all. Not easy to stare straight again. Not easy to keep from flinching every time the voice asked a question. Not easy to hold her neutral gaze. It reminded her all too much of how it felt to lose control. To be consumed by despair. Her thoughts no longer being her own, only whispers and taunts, keeping her at bay, pulling her down to let her instincts do all of the work. Her head felt.. fuzzy. Aditi felt similarly at this moment. Her lips curled into an uncomfortable scowl. What the hell is this? It hadn’t been nearly this unsettling the other times they spoke. What was getting in the way?

Or.. was this the plan all along? To earn her trust more, only to make the dreams devolve into hellish nightmares? She sincerely hoped that wasn’t the case.

The whispers suddenly stopped as he opened his mouth again, asking Aditi: “Are you alright, Aditi? You look a bit pale.“

Something really didn’t want this session to continue. But if the doctor noticed, he did a good job at hiding it.

“..... I couldn’t hear your questions.” She admitted quietly, her eyes shifting around the room carefully. “Voices spoke over you. Whether they were in my head or not, I’m uncertain. They are...” She paused once again, thinking over if she should be honest or not in this situation. Ultimately, she decided against lying. “They are.. apologizing to me? Saying I do not deserve this. It should’ve never come to this? He, whoever that is, seems to be hunting me. He is a monster? They are.. telling me to leave..”

He regarded her, expression serious as he listened to Aditi, contemplating something for a few seconds, then ultimately sighing. He looked around the room again, as if he could make out the voices and silence them, ultimately deciding to try and explain: “It is probably your subconsciousness running wild from stress...“

He set the test aside, leaning forward to give Aditi a comforting touch. It was cold as ice.

“Let us end the session a little early, alright? You don’t need to answer those questions. I’ll just review the test without them.“ he reassured her, a sad glint in his eyes.

“Orabelle.”

The voices were a lot quieter now, but it was probably for the better to end this meetup earlier to start better off on the last one.

“Rest easy, Aditi. I’ll see you tomorrow.“

Aditi didn’t understand. She sat with shifting eyes, looking left to right like a frightened child. It made her feel weak for her emotions to be easily sensed or stated. It felt wrong to hear her dead name be spoken aloud in her ear, so wrong that it caused her to flinch back and fumble. Her eyes narrowed so angrily at the voice, she nearly forgot to take his hand. “... This was a mistake..” Her grip on his hand was uncomfortably tight now, she seemed to seethe with contempt.

This only happened after she put faith in him and gave away sensitive information about her past. She thought it was of little consequence, yet here it was... being shoved in her face. Taunting her. This being was taunting her, wasn’t he? Mocking her. Before she could convey her distrust, the dream had faded away like the smoke of fireworks.

[soveryanon]

Reviewing time for MAG131 /o/

- More about that lower but: yes, I’m worried about Basira too, but probably not for the reasons highlighted by Melanie. In fact, learning that Helen has been around since The Flesh’s attack, and had been quite benevolent towards the assistants… adds another layer to Basira and Elias’s exchange when she visited him in prison at his request:

(MAG127) BASIRA: Can we cut the bullshit? ELIAS: What “bullshit” might that be? BASIRA: The part where you pretend you don’t spend your whole time watching us. […] ELIAS: I believe you’ve recently lost Melanie. BASIRA: … We saved Melanie. ELIAS: As a person, yes, but as a defender… I would have thought you would want all the help you could get, or… have you forgotten what happened last time you lay your guard down? BASIRA: … We’ll work it out. ELIAS: Possibly. Then again: you are beset by enemies on all sides, Basira. And unless you expect Jon to record them into submission, it would seem you’re in rather dire need of another option.

Basira might not trust Helen as much as Melanie does nor perceive her as… absolutely reliable, but the point is: the archival assistants already had another option! Helen had just proved that she was the perfect “defender”, able to trap an enemy in her corridors – and she had helped Jon escape in MAG101 through her door! If she’s indeed on their side, she’s the best option they could dream of, able to trap, to protect and to transport alike! And Basira mentioned none of it to Elias and rolled with the conversation as if Helen wasn’t with them.

Melanie and Jon were quite clearly in the tunnels when Melanie led him to Helen’s door (Jon mentioned that he had been “down there”, the sound effect was the usual tunnels sound); Melanie had not mentioned Helen while in the Archives themselves; assuming Jared didn’t actually mean “Helen’s corridors” when he said “tunnels”, he was actually in the tunnels as well when he was trapped by her (MAG131: “Didn’t know about those tunnels or wherever this place is […]. I got… scared. So I ran. I ran through the first door I found.”). If Melanie, Basira (and potentially Martin) never mentioned Helen while outside of the tunnels, and if Jon’s assumption from season 3 is indeed right and that Elias can’t spy on them when they’re in the tunnels… then it’s possible that Elias just plainly isn’t aware of Helen’s intervention and probably assumed that Melanie had butchered Jared herself below the Archives.

The Elias-Basira conversation began with a I-Know-What-You’re-Doing from Elias (greeting her with “Detective”); Basira told him as least as possible throughout their exchange. It was actually her police questioning! She was evaluating what he knew, while fully aware that they had another card in their sleeve! It… doesn’t mean that Elias can’t possibly know anything about Helen one way or another, but it means that Basira was trying to outwit him when she didn’t mention Helen and accepted to listen to his “other option” instead – and even if she happened to leave in order to follow his leads since the end of MAG128… she entered the manipulation game with him by withholding information, too.

(;; And it could be a verrrry dangerous move for Basira: is Elias a complete idiot who just happens to have the right powers to hurt when he needs to (hence Martin managing to take him down), or is he actually a bit more in control of what is happening everywhere (did Martin’s plan actually put Elias exactly where he wanted to be in the first place?)…)

- Okay, new Big Mystery dropped this week is… Who requested the Flesh attack against the Archives and sent Jared after Jon? They began to send letters “about two years ago” (so around December 2015 / March 2016, depending if Jared’s point of reference is the current day or the moment he was trapped in the corridor), when Jon was beginning as Head Archivist; the letters were “good white paper, large print”; the person sending them was able to tell where Jared was at any given time (“I dunno how they kept finding me”); usually only contained “a name and a place or a time”; always led Jared towards something/someone who would be interesting to him (“they always led to summat good. Quality bones, a new mate, or some unlucky fool who wouldn’t look at me for the fear.” – how do you tell that someone has “good bones”………………..?). They sent Jared to the Archives while Jon was four months into his coma, and Jon was the Official target (“And you wanted to kill… me, specifically?” “Still do. […] Then I got one about your lot, your Archives. Told me to go there and kill you. They even sent a picture. […] You weren’t there, which was sad, but it made it easier.”). I’m personally considering three main suspects:

* Adelard Dekker, because I really want to know more about him, and because I Know My Luck about characters I find potentially sympathetic in this series, gdi :|| (He knew Gertrude for long and managed to survive, that means he’s probably fishy, if he’s still alive/not-dead in the first place.)

* Elias because he would know where to find (/See) someone at all times, and because… listen… the IRONY of “the pipes… they were wide enough for me and a few friends to squeeze through” (=> “[EXTENDED SOUNDS OF BRUTAL PIPE MURDER]”) + the first time we ever heard Elias speaking was in MAG017, the first statement Jon read that mentioned The Boneturner, and Elias interrupted precisely when the statement was describing Jared (and it was in end of February/beginning of March 2016, during the Prentiss siege, which means two years ago). Elias isn’t, overall, renowned for his subtlety, so it could fit.

* The Web, more specifically Annabelle Cane, since the Chelicerae was already active when the letters began to be sent, her first email to Gregory Cox also used big letters (MAG123: “something in it caused the font to appear incredibly large”), and she was requesting names to be inserted into the website’s code (“Meaningless strings of words, or weird little fragments of poetry, or a name, different every time, repeated over and over again, hundreds of times.”) and getting potential targets here and there through people’s stories. It’s about information and getting people to do what you need them to do; plus, Jared was indifferent at first and then got ~curious~ (“but they kept coming, and eventually I got curious. So, I followed the instructions in one of ‘em.”), which couuuld sound like… a retrospective rationalisation after the Web pulled a string to make you go somewhere.

The straightforward meaning of the attack was that Jon was the official target: does it mean that the Mysterious Sender didn’t know that Jon was currently away from the Institute and in a coma? Or was it a deliberate red herring, because they wanted Jon to think that he had been the target when he’d come back, while their intentions had laid somewhere else? Was it to see whether Jon would react and wake up if the assistants were in danger? Was it to get the assistants… exactly where they ended up going – Melanie falling deeper into her anger; Basira becoming colder and more pragmatic; Martin growing more desperate and finally accepting Peter Lukas’s offer? Or… it’s still a bit strange that Jon himself was never attacked in hospital, even though at least two Fears got involved in the end to visit him (the Web sent The End’s Oliver in MAG121) so… another option I’m considering, I don’t know: was Jared sent to the Institute because the Mysterious Sender wanted to find Jon and Jon was hidden from the other powers until then? Martin’s visit from the teaser was apparently shortly after the attack (since he received a phone call and agreed to an offer, and Basira mentioned that Martin was working closely with Peter after the Flesh invasion); could it be possible that Martin unknowingly led The Web to where Jon was resting, when he visited him…?

- So I have trouble picturing Jon and Melanie become Official Friends, ever, but GOSH, technically, Melanie already didn’t have High Standards for friendships/people she could ask for help, and had called herself out on that matter (+ she explicitly said that she had nobody to turn to, in MAG084, and confirmed it again with Elias in MAG106):

(MAG063) MELANIE: […] And you’re basically the closest thing I’ve got to a friend here. ARCHIVIST: We’ve spoken once and we ended up screaming at each other. MELANIE: Yes! And that’s more than I have with anyone else here.

F R I E N S H I P… And now, they’re somehow friendlier and… yeah, sort of friends. Kinda. Sorry for the both of you. Sorry for you, Melanie, I KNOW YOU’RE A SWEET BEAN UNDER ALL THAT ANGER, but seriously, come on. You’re currently adopting Jon as one of your friends, look at yourself:

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: I mean, you’d think I’d have a better idea how to do it. All these… all these statements and… [SMALL LAUGH] You know who I need? I need the Boneturner. [SIGHS] Just reach in and grab a rib. Job done. MELANIE: … ARCHIVIST: What? … Melanie? MELANIE: Come with me. [CLICK.] […] ARCHIVIST: Oh, er… Er, pass the recorder? MELANIE: Seriously? Fine. [RECORDER IS PASSED TO THE ARCHIVIST] […] ARCHIVIST: No. No, now I am going for a lie down. That was… that was not what I expected. MELANIE: Come on, you can use Basira’s cot.

All these small gestures that mean so much!! She admitted that he had done the ““right”” thing, she brought him to Helen – knowingly doing something that Basira didn’t want, choosing to help Jon and to talk to Helen when Jon didn’t want to knock! She stared/judged but she did hand over the tape recorder! She went to check on Jon’s corpse unconscious body! She led him towards somewhere he could rest! She even offered to chop his finger off herself at the beginning! Melanie!! You got yourself a friend!!

At least, they’re allies, but Melanie is kinda becoming Jon’s slightly vitriolic friend, and I’m LIVING. Jon has a knack for surrounding himself and being in good terms with people who call him out and are able to be mean towards him, uh?

- I think that one of the most significant things about Melanie being a bit more herself (not being only the anger) was her… willingness to talk and share what she discovered, what happened, what she’s thinking and doing? Because it used to be one of her main characteristics, even (especially!) with Jon: she didn’t like him much as a person, but they were able to chat and exchange and to hold discussions about her adventures. There were many similarities between them – which miiiight have been one of the reasons why Elias hired her, too, since she was obsessed with finding out the truth about what she had noticed (even if it would hurt her in the process), though it could also be some Beholding magic (making her crave pouring out her experience to The Archivist?):

(MAG076) ARCHIVIST: Well, this “pompous ass” has some very urgent work to do, so if your statement is just going to be insults, you can go back to the damn library. MELANIE: It’s not. Look, I… I think I’ve found something. […] So, can I make my statement now? […] You know this obsession even better than I do. I just wanted to make my statement… ARCHIVIST: In case you get murdered by ghosts. MELANIE: Yes. ARCHIVIST: I understand. Thank you, Melanie.

(MAG084) MELANIE: […] I don’t know why, but… I just, I just felt that perhaps coming here might help. And talking things out with Jon. I mean, I mean he’s awful, but at least he listens, you know?

(MAG086) MELANIE: You know what? Fine. Fine! But you tell me everything. Okay? Everything. ARCHIVIST: I mean… you, you won’t believe it. MELANIE: I don’t care. ARCHIVIST: Alright. Alright. MELANIE: Start with Sasha. ARCHIVIST: … Okay. [CLICK.]

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: Basira said you were doing better. MELANIE: Would you just– stop?! ARCHIVIST: No– Right, no– […] M–Melanie, it, it– MELANIE: Don’t tell me to calm down! Don’t you dare–! […] Oh, just stop! Just stop and– listen. ARCHIVIST: Okay.

During season 3, she repeatedly refused to tell Jon her story from India (in MAG086, and she gloated about it in MAG113), and only shared it in MAG117, in her testament. Now, she’s going back to telling herself to Jon; to being able to take a step back and explain her own reasoning, her own ways of functioning.

- I’m love Melanie so much… so, so much… (And Lydia’s voice. GOSH. Even if some frustration remained, you could clearly hear the difference between Melanie-with-the-bullet and Melanie-without: her voice had something… softer? Less frantic? that seeped into you like a wave and surrounded you, instead of just cutting right in like a rusted knife, like in MAG125.)

I love Melanie’s self-awareness! I love that she’s able to be mad, to feel hurt, to know that her pain is legitimate, but also to admit:

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: I was trying to save your life. MELANIE: Yes…! Well, you did! ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] MELANIE: I think. But I also… you know… see your face now, when I wake up screaming. I feel you digging into my leg. Chalk it up as a win for Team Archive, I guess! ARCHIVIST: I wanted to ask you! MELANIE: And if you had, we wouldn’t be talking right now. I’d have said no, and I’d probably have hurt you. Basira was right. The only way to do it was to completely betray my trust and destroy any remaining sense of safety. So, yes! Thank you. ARCHIVIST: [INHALE] Yeah. I, I’m… I’m surprised you can stand to see either of us. MELANIE: Who else is there? I mean, Basira is… [CHUCKLE], she’s been the only one for a long time, and, yes!, I sort of maybe hate her now! ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] MELANIE: I don’t know! I can’t… look at her without my leg hurting, but what else am I going to do. I don’t want to be on my own, and I’m stuck here. So… […] I’m not dying and I don’t… want to kill you, it’s, it’s…! [SHARP EXHALE] It’s just different. Yes, it’s… sort of better, m–maybe, but I–I can’t…

I love that it was her who explained to us what was happening to her – who explained to Jon that he misunderstood! And she directly echoed (and answered?) one of Jon’s questions about The Slaughter!!

(MAG125) ARCHIVIST: In many ways, The Slaughter fascinates me. There seems to be, in all cases, a question at its heart about… control. Is it a mindless dance, dragging participants along by the beat of a drum or… is there a kernel of will in there, a lucidity and deliberateness to the random fury and violence? I suppose that’s the question with so much of “violence”, “war”: how much are you really in command of yourself or of others? I’m not sure what scares me more: the idea that deep down, everyone is in complete control of their actions, that everything is, on some level, intentional; or that ultimately, we don’t have any control of ourselves at all, and the rest is just… rationalisation.

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: A–at least, it’s out! … Maybe… maybe it’s enough to start healing, start… letting go of the anger. MELANIE: Oh, just stop! Just stop and– listen. ARCHIVIST: Okay. MELANIE: Yes, the, the bullet was bad, right. But it didn’t make me angry. Anger is… Anger’s been all I’ve had for a long time. Years. Maybe since– oh, I, I don’t know, but…! Everything I’ve done, everything I’ve pushed for, was because I was angry! Angry of being past over, being disrespected, ignored… that sort of anger, it, it powers you! … Right until it slips out, and hurts someone. I – hurt someone. And then, one day, I suddenly have this thing that takes all that rage, and it holds it. Tells me it’s right. That it’s me. It didn’t stay in my leg because of some Ghostly Masterplan; it stayed… because I wanted it.

I love the broad idea behind Melanie’s own situation – that anger is a force, that anger can push you through hardships, can help you survive, but that in the end, if there is only anger, it will turn sour and (self-)destructive and wreck you in the process! I love her moments of self-affirmation, how she reclaimed her experience, reminded Jon that she was her own person with her own story, her own feelings, her own perception of events. She had already mentioned her anger in her testament:

(MAG117) MELANIE: […] “Hope” isn’t really good for anything. It’s always been action, with me; it’s, it’s been doing things that helps. I’ve never really seen the point of “hope”. […] I… I’m so angry, just… sometimes, when Jon’s going off on one about his latest insight, it’s all I can do not to punch him in the teeth. I feel like I’ve always been fighting. No one makes space for people like me, you’ve got to… elbow the comfortable idiots out of the way, and then claw your way up with gritted teeth; I’ve had to struggle for everything! […] Elias thinks he’s got this ingenious way to hurt people, but it’s just the same old bullshit in a creepy new package. … Asshole… God! I just want to rip his…! [BREATHES] When did I… start to lose the parts of me that weren’t just anger…?

… And I hate how, dumdumdum, Elias is actually… a pretty good judge of character (except when it comes to Martin). He had described Tim as “Disruption. An unpredictable, angry man with nothing left but the desire to feel in some way revenged.” (MAG104) and had reaaally insisted over the fact that Tim would be a “rogue element” (MAG116), something that could derail the mission to stop The Unknowing… and Tim indeed ended up arguing with Jon at the wrong time, and maybe they missed the few seconds that could have allowed them to escape. As for Melanie, Elias had said:

(MAG106) ELIAS: […] I wish I knew the words that would make you believe me. […] You already have doubts, though. You've been talking with Tim, and have convinced yourself that– MELANIE: [DRY LAUGHTER] ELIAS: –even if I'm telling the truth, I'm too dangerous to live. MELANIE: Well. ELIAS: Whatever I’m planning needs to be stopped! Even if it costs a few lives. Including your own. MELANIE: Well, that’s not even– ELIAS: A rationalisation, of course. A lie, about your own selfishness, that you would rather be dead than trapped without the self-determination you prize so highly. I wish I knew the words to convince you it’s for the best. [SILENCE] MELANIE: Are we done? ELIAS: … It’s too deep. I can see almost anything I care to– MELANIE: ‘f course. ELIAS: –weave knowledge from someone’s mind, or place it there– MELANIE: Sure. ELIAS: –but I just cannot change the– MELANIE: Mm-mm. ELIAS: –nature of a person. And I am struggling to think of what could rid you of this misguided rage.

Sounds like Fucker was quite right about Melanie in the end? :||

I… do like that even though he wasn’t mentioned at all in this episode, it puts me in mind of Tim at many moments, mostly in the way Melanie seems like she’s able to go… past her terrible experiences in a way Tim wasn’t able to, because she’s capable of self-reflection and of considering other people’s actions. Tim shaped himself around his own anger, around his own bitterness – it ate him up: angry resignation at the end of season 2, depression at the beginning of season 3, before he found a drive again and… only saw a future in which he would die trying to stop The Unknowing.

(MAG116) ARCHIVIST: Do you– … Are you going to keep it together? TIM: […] I’m not gonna give us away. I want this to work. ARCHIVIST: Thank you. TIM: But I don’t think it will. So. I’m gonna take that axe of yours, and… when it all goes wrong, I’m going down swinging. And when I do, you better take the chance and stay out of my way.

(MAG117) TIM: … I’m gonna hurt them, though. I’m gonna hurt the things that stole my brother and wrecked my life. […] I know what it means! They gave it to me because they think I’ll get angry and do something stupid anyway. And they’re probably right. So maybe it’s for the best. […] From what I can tell, there’s only one person who’s ever managed to hurt them, to reaaally hurt them. And that’s Gertrude Robinson. She was cold, ruthless, and she hit them when they were vulnerable, and she sacrificed a lot of people to do it. Honestly? I hope that Jon learned something from her, because… because I don’t expect I’m going to be coming back from this. I don’t know if I want to. And if he needs to pull the trigger, to use me to stop it, well, he better have the guts to do it. Timothy Stoker, August 4th, 2017. [DRY LAUGHTER] Statement ends.

(MAG118) TIM: You thought you brought me in as a distraction, right? ARCHIVIST: What?! TIM: Let me do it! Go in, maybe you can get some of them– ARCHIVIST: Tim, contrary to what you think, I did not bring you here to indulge your death wish! TIM: It’s not what this is! ARCHIVIST: No?! TIM: No! You knew I might not be coming back! ARCHIVIST: I knew none of us might be coming back, and I’m not gonna let anyone get killed for nothing!

Unlike Tim, Melanie might be able to rebuild herself up? In an episode about how things and people change, maybe it could be Melanie’s case, too. She’s able to tell what feels wrong, what happened, how she herself proceeded. She took decisions that broke Basira’s imposed status quo (bringing Jon to Helen for him to get help in his plan, showing him the way where he could rest a bit). Melanie did say, multiple times, that she was running out of options (she came to the Institute for that reason in MAG084); she doesn’t have answers but… it feels like she’s asking questions, and that’s a first important step, too.

- Which makes me realize that…

a) We never got a lot about Daisy’s own feelings and perception of events – and even then, only through… other people. Jon got her statement in MAG061 but Daisy was later pretty clear on the fact that she had never wanted to give it to him (MAG091); Elias pulled her through a “statement never given” in MAG082 and, in the same way, it was something she didn’t want to happen. Even her “testament” in MAG117, though HILARIOUS (Breathes / loads gun / “… Okay.” / CLICK.)… wasn’t about her. We learned that Basira was her last tie to humanity because Elias spat it in her face (MAG092), not because she admitted it. We know more funny bits about her (shows she likes etc.) thanks to MAG106, but it was through Basira. We’ve learned… almost nothing about Daisy from Daisy herself. So maybe we won’t lose her right away since… we’re lacking Her Words, too.

b) NOW I’M SCARED FOR MELANIE SINCE:

(MAG092) ELIAS: […] That’s what this place is, Jon, never forget it. You may believe yourself to have friends, to have confidantes, but in the end, all they are, is something for you to watch, to know, and ultimately to discard. This, at least, Gertrude understood.

………………… Tim died shortly after Jon was able to understand him a bit more, HELP………………

- Melanie coined it, “Team Archive” is officially canon now!!! (“Chalk it up as a win for Team Archive, I guess!”) Third-party family picture of it:

(MAG131) JARED: […] When we came up through the floor, it was wonderful. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look on their faces. It was like their world had gone with the floor. The weak one legged it, and I thought the skinny one did too. There was just the copper. It weren’t dressed like one, but I know police when I smell it. They tried to run, but we were everywhere, and they couldn’t stop us undoing them for parts. You weren’t there, which was sad, but it made it easier. At least until the knife. I don’t know what the skinny one did, what she was, but that knife hurt. She screamed, and stabbed, and cut through all the others, ruining their perfect bodies. Then, she turned on me. Reached out with some of my hands, to get inside her, and pull her apart, and she cut them off. I got… scared. So I ran. I ran through the first door I found. And now I don’t know where I am.

a) Jon, not there, which is sad. b) Basira the cop c) Melanie canonically “skinny” compared to the others /o/ d) ……… Martin “the weak one”, AND HE RAN AWAY AGAIN………… which, once again, add some more… meat… to the trailer. Martin had felt so bad about leaving Jon and Tim behind during the Prentiss siege (remember his broken and tears-filled voice in MAG040?! Even Jon relented and went softer on him because of it!!), and he had resolved to be more active in MAG117, and then the Flesh attack happened, a few months later… That’s probably why he checked if the others would be fine when accepting Peter’s offer, and why he told Jon that more people would have been hurt if it wasn’t for him in MAG129, uh? The thing that tipped the balance and made him finally agree to Peter’s offer was probably guilt over not being able to help, and over running away when scared, once again.

- … Relatedly: where did Melanie’s special knife come from, since it was able to hurt Jared and even he was surprised?

(MAG123) BASIRA: Yeah, it was bad. We took them all out. Melanie did most of them. She was… she got a knife from somewhere and– ARCHIVIST: Basira, I… I don’t know if that’s a good sign…?

Did she literally materialize a knife out of nowhere? Did she infuse it with power because she was parasitised by the Slaughter bullet? I would go for that last option since she was able to injure Jon through a “scalpel” in MAG125 (it wasn’t one of her own weapons), but a third option: something from Artefact Storage or… sent by the Spider ~to help~?

- Basira’s relationship with police work is quite interesting because we met her as a police constable, her relevancy was initially tied to her job (it was thanks to her that Jon was able to access some of Gertrude’s tapes kept by the police); we saw her quit, disgusted by her hierarchy (MAG075), something she apparently doesn’t regret (MAG117: “I don’t want to be here. But by the end, I didn’t want to be police either, so… guess I don’t really know what I do want, which… maybe that’s just as well. My options… they’ve gotten a lot narrower over the last year.”) and now… She happens to be identified, more and more, through her police identity. Elias taunted her by greeting her in that way:

(MAG127) ELIAS: … Good evening. Detective. [STEPS COMING CLOSER] BASIRA: I’m not a detective. ELIAS: Of course.

Jared mentioned that she still felt like police to him (MAG131: “There was just the copper. It weren’t dressed like one, but I know police when I smell it.”), and also Melanie’s description of Basira which… kind or depicted her as if she had pushed the police mentality to the max? Melanie’s words were… concerning, to say the least, in how cold and casually calculating Basira looked to her:

(MAG131) MELANIE: […] Basira was right. The only way to do it was to completely betray my trust and destroy any remaining sense of safety. So, yes! Thank you. […] I mean, Basira is… [CHUCKLE], she’s been the only one for a long time, and, yes!, I sort of maybe hate her now! […] I can’t… look at her without my leg hurting, but what else am I going to do. I don’t want to be on my own, and I’m stuck here. So… ARCHIVIST: Basira said you were doing better. MELANIE: Would you just– stop?! […] [LONG EXHALE] Basira is, hum… Basira deals in “intel” these days, in “usable data”; assets, not “feelings”, not… “people”. Crying, shaking, nightmares, that is “better”. It doesn’t feel like it, but as far as Basira sees it, I’m not compromised anymore, and… that is “better”.

I think Melanie’s description might be more a sort of reflection of her own perception (and betrayal/awkwardness/resentment) rather than an objective truth, though, since… Basira has always shown a sort of cold pragmatism in the way she dealt with things and people around her. She’s always been blunt, harsh, doing things methodically to reach a goal. But even back then, we were shown that she cared; and right now, she could be suffering a bit from… the Jon syndrome: in the same way as Jon, she tends to come across as a bit more heartless and indifferent than she actually is – she rarely shows her concerns directly in front of people but reveals them in their absence. Melanie seems to think that Basira is mostly perceiving her through the lense of a cop’s eye, evaluating if she’s with or potentially against her, but Basira herself wasn’t so metallic when she was describing Melanie:

(MAG123) BASIRA: […] She’s not, uh… she’s not been having a good time. […] Well, just back off. You haven’t been here. […] She saved my life, Jon. She saved all of us. I won’t forget that.

(MAG125) BASIRA: […] Besides, I wanted to give her some space, y’know. But yeah. Living outside the Institute, ’s just not safe anymore.

(MAG127) ARCHIVIST: How’s Melanie? BASIRA: How do you think? ARCHIVIST: I, er, I should probably… talk to h– BASIRA: You should probably stay as far away as possible. She doesn’t want to see you. […] But she did want me to… apologize. […] ARCHIVIST: Do–do you think it worked? Is she… BASIRA: I don’t know. She seems more… coherent, I guess. And you did get an apology. […] She said she can cry now, which is, hum… Progress, I think? She’s still angry but, she hasn’t attacked anyone. Not even sure she has it in her anymore. ARCHIVIST: Well that’s, that’s good! BASIRA: Hm.

And in the same way, Basira had been oddly defensive of Martin, also laying down that she understood that he has had his issues. Maybe it’s indeed just like Melanie said, and mostly strategy and cautious control from Basira, and she steeled herself to a dreadful extent after The Unknowing… but maybe it’s also that, just like Jon before the second half of season 3, Basira has trouble conveying that she cares when she’s in front of the relevant people, not able to deal with their feelings but aware that they’re hurt and in pain? We didn’t see Basira showering Melanie in care after what Elias did to her in MAG106, either: we saw that she cared in the way she noticed that Melanie wasn’t fine when Melanie refused to explain what had happened (MAG108), in the way she reminded Martin that the victim had been Melanie and sternly told him that they couldn’t allow Elias to go unpunished, (MAG110: “R–right, right. Sorry. I just… It’s just a lot to take in, y’know.” “Mostly for Melanie, yeah. […] We can't just ignore it. […] We are not letting him get away with it.”), in the way she VERY DRYLY told Elias that Melanie wouldn’t be there during the last pre-Unknowing briefing (MAG116: “Will… Melanie not be joining us?” “No. She won’t.” “Very well. I suppose that’s understandable.”)

So… it could be that Basira is heading down a dark path. It could also just be that she is having it rough and is handling herself, but others are feeling that she is more ruthless than she truly is inside.

- Re: Jared himself: * I feel so, so stupid. I hadn’t realized, until Jon referred to Jared as “The Boneturner”, that MAG017’s title, “The Boneturner’s Tale”, referred both to the title of the “Leitner” book… and to the fact that we witnessed the birth of The Boneturner as himself. Which makes sense given that it’s based on The Canterbury Tales, in which people are presented through their profession/status.

* Same as a lot of people: my ESL ears couldn’t understand Jared at aaaaall on first listenings, so thank you so much for the transcripts, Amil ;_; (Now I manage to follow the sentences! And without the voicecast, I would have never guessed that it was Alex voicing him, holy Mew.)

* GDI JONNY STOP MAKING SERIAL KILLERS SOUND ALMOST (almost.) (SYM)PATHETIC….. The thing is, I feel like we were led to think of Jared as… a bit slow and not very smart overall? due to the fact that he wasn’t talking a lot and because of how statement-givers had described him – especially because of Sebastian Adekoya:

(MAG017, Sebastian Adekoya) Jared and I had once been fast friends; growing up on the same road, attending the same schools, we had spent much of our early life as inseparable. But he had always been, well, not to put too fine a point on it, thick as mud, and when I went away to university, he stayed behind. I think he saw it as something of a betrayal, and when I finally returned, I knew immediately something had changed between us. […] I was, I will admit, a bit unsettled. As far as I could recall I had never seen Jared read… well, anything, really.

(…………….. that sounds awfully like Jared initially had a crush on Seb and grew to resent him, in fact.)

But no! Jared got marginalized as a kid because of his height, was actually well aware of his situation and lack of prospects, and given a drive when he lacked it? Wanted to make his parents happy although it was a Complete Disaster and terrifying? And was able to reaaaally get invested in things? Was aware of how people perceived him? Was aware that people would tell their stories to the Institute? And built a gym of friends (people who got what they wanted)?

(MAG131) JARED: […] I wrecked my school. I did have friends, but they left me, one by one, until all that I had were the dregs; the ones who stayed ‘coz they were too scared to leave. We were always either in trouble, or looking for it. Those were bad times. I tried to look ahead, but I couldn’t see anything. No future, no hope; just bitter parents, and whatever misery I could pass on to everyone else. God knows what would’ve happened if that little prick Sebastian hadn’t given me that book.

(L O L about the “given me that book”: according to Sebastian, he just took it and left.)

I’m especially impressed at how quickly he understood (and rolled with) what kind of “favour” Jon wanted from him:

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: Oh. O–okay. D–do you need to know… w–what it is? JARED: Not much you could want, comin’ to me. Put summat in. Take summat out. Which is it?

Let’s be honest: if someone was coming to Jon for something, right now, he wouldn’t assume they’re here to give a statement, you would have to tell him outright.

* One potentially reassuring thing for Jon: Jared said that… it’s possible to just refuse to participate in a ritual. That you can nope out of it, and apparently keep doing your own thing without slowly disappearing like what’s apparently happened with Tom Haan or Breekon:

(MAG131) JARED: […] There were others. Others of skin and hunger; they tried to talk to me about gods. They’d go on and on about remaking the world; of a new day of blood and flesh. I told them to piss off. I like the world just as it is. I take what I want and I make myself more, and when people look at me… that fear – it feels amazing. Some of my mates, the ones I helped find their proper bodies, they listened, and went to feed the hunger. Not me though. I never was that ambitious.

Though: I’m not sure that Jon… would be okay even with turning his back on the ceremony, given his title as The Archivist (it seems a bit more important, less… independent than what Jared is?); and also… Jared sustained himself through the fear he inflicted on others (Jude had explained the “feeding what feeds you” aspect, and Jon hadn’t been able to tell what he was supposed to feed to Beholding). I think that Jonny also mentioned in the Season 3’s Q&A that Avatars’ purpose is to bring suffering and misery onto others? So. Is Jon really simply feeding Beholding through the fears left on the statements’ paper (and his own fear from reading the statements), or is there something else…? (I’m still concerned about the nature of his nightmares and what it’s been doing to the live statement-givers all this time… ;;)

* Relatedly: first time Jon has taken a live-statement (by himself, excluding Oliver oversharing in front of his comatose body.) in season 4. I guess that yeah, uh, I won’t feel super sorry for Jared if it traps him in Jon’s ~slim collection of gifted nightmares~, especially since apparently, full-fledged Avatars are able to push Jon away from theirs? (MAG120: “he even longs for the terrible dream of the melted woman, who would see everything desolated without rhyme or reason. But she was beyond his reach the moment she knew he was there.”) But I wonder, in any case, if we’ll hear about this as an additional dream. If so… yeah, enjoy, Jon. The statement was short, it wasn’t up to Your Standards, but it won’t be a nice experience.

- Obvious Donphan In The Room: CONGRATS ON GETTING YOUR “FLESH” WOUND JON!!

… Now he’s only missing The Buried’s and we know that Coffin Is Coming; The Dark, with cultists lurking around the Institute; The Lonely, with Peter Lukas running the place (… or having Martin running it for him). The speculation about MARTIN ending up being the one to carve a metaphorical Lonely scar into Jon…………. is getting ominously more and more possible??? Gdi ;;;;;

Live-statements wise (I’m counting “Extracted From Subject” here), from Avatars, Jon got: * The Stranger (MAG128, Breekon) * The Spiral (MAG101, Michael) * The Desolation (MAG089, Jude Perry) * The Vast (MAG091, Mike Crew) * The Hunt (MAG061, Alice “Daisy” Tonner” + MAG109, Julia Montauk and Trevor Herbert) * The End (MAG121, Oliver Banks) * The Flesh (MAG131, Jared Hopworth)

+ Amongst victims/witnesses rather than active lives-wreckers, Jon also received The Corruption (MAG055, Jordan Kennedy), The Lonely (MAG013, Naomi Herne), The Dark (MAG073, Basira), The Slaughter (MAG076, Melanie), The Buried (MAG071, Karolina Górka).

Still missing The Web and Beholding, unless one (or both) of them was the thing happening in MAG065 + potentially the New Emergence (… unless it was the thing happening in MAG065). Jon is completing a set in that regard, too…

- I’m a Simple Person very obsessed with the conflicted relationship between Jon and doors, so I was floored that Jon:

(MAG131) MELANIE: Here. [FOOTSTEPS STOP] ARCHIVIST: Oh. … This, this door… It shouldn’t be here. MELANIE: Yes. ARCHIVIST: I, er… I don’t want to open it! I’m not going to. MELANIE: [SIGHS] [KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK] She’s been helping us.

1°) refused to open or KNOCK ON A DOOR, and Melanie had to do it for him. (To be fair with Jon: he tried to open Michael’s door in MAG101, expecting this to be one of his last moments. It’s not especially an appealing thing to do again.)

2°) ended up going in after a bit of talking. That door… used to terrify him, according to Elias?

(MAG120) ELIAS: […] There is a door in front of him. A yellow door. He knows the dream it used to lead to; he knows it well. But that’s not where it leads anymore. He does not know what is behind it anymore, and he is deathly afraid of finding out. The Archivist turns away.

(;; That was probably Helen’s statement before she replaced Michael in MAG101, since she had given her live-statement…) So. Jon faced it and opened it! And he thanked her, we’re so shocked and proud!! Progress!!

- … I’m super worried about what is coming in season 4, since Jon used to say his “Shit” of the season pretty far in:

(MAG039) PRENTISS: Archivist. TIM: Ah. ARCHIVIST: … Shit.

(MAG078) MICHAEL: You – Need – A door. ARCHIVIST: NO. No, I–I just… I need… [DISTORTED VOICE FROM THE NOT!SASHA CALLING OUT HIS NAME AGAIN] ARCHIVIST: SHIT!

(MAG099) BREEKON: ‘scuse us. HOPE: Are you Jonathan Sims? ARCHIVIST: Yeah, wha���? Oh, sh– [THE ARCHIVIST EXCLAIMS & COUGHS AS THE WIND IS KNOCKED OUT OF HIM]

(MAG131) MELANIE: […] It didn’t stay in my leg because of some Ghostly Masterplan; it stayed… because I wanted it. ARCHIVIST: … Shit.

BUT AT THE SAME TIME, LET’S ALL CELEBRATE!!! Melanie is now officially our New Designated (Bi?) Sayer Of Fuck!

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: Oh, I… Melanie, I–I’m so sorry, I– MELANIE: Oooh, fuck off?!

Rest in fucking pieces, Tim, someone is taking care of saying “Fuck” to Jon ;w;

- Jon, that was your Worst Introduction Ever:

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: Uh. Statement of Jared Hopworth, the Boneturner. Statement begins.

No mention of who is recording, what it's about, and no date (we wouldn’t know it was March 20th if not for the episode’s case number). Jon, You Have One Job. Jon. Jon.

… The way Jon very quickly accepted to give up one of his ribs when it’s supposed to be ~a precious anchor~ still makes me facepalm, but to be fair, he reacted quickly and… it didn’t sound like he was especially thirsty for the statement itself:

(MAG131) JARED: Guarantees? None. But I want to leave more than I want to kill you. Not like it was my idea in the first place. ARCHIVIST: So…[STATIC:] Why did you and the others attack us? JARED: I was asked. You want my statement, that’s gonna cost you another rib. ARCHIVIST: I–I could just pull the information out of you. [MENACINGLY MEATY MURMURS] JARED: You could try. ARCHIVIST: Okay. Fine. A rib for me, a rib for you; your freedom and a statement. JARED: Yeah. Alright. ARCHIVIST: Right. Statement first.

Jared had already mentioned that Jon was specifically the target; it was… about getting information about who had siced him on The Archives. And indeed, we don’t learn a lot about it in the end, but the news that someone has been pulling strings to the point of organizing an attack against the Archives was quite big…

;; It’s a bit heartbreaking, and also !!, to see that Jon is getting better at understanding negotiations with avatars. He still does things that he probably shouldn’t (sarcasm and threats and forced compulsion are nnnnnot the Greatest Things to do against things that can physically wreck you), but… he also quickly picks up on how he can find a common agreement. Compare him now to how Jude had wrecked his hand in MAG089, in exchange for information about Mike Crew… Jon is more in control – still a bit panicky, not at ease, but he understands the logic and how exchanges are supposed to work.

- True Romance is giving one of your ribs to someone on your first meeting:

(MAG131) JARED: […] Anyway, this one’s for me. [MORE MOBILE MEAT NOISES, THIS TIME OF INSERTION] Huh. That’s a weird one. Not sure I like it. Still. Mine now. ARCHIVIST: [WEAKLY] I supp… I suppose it is.

… I think that Jon, Melanie or Helen would have commented about it, if the rib Jon was clutching at the end of the episode was, let’s say, COVERED IN EYES LIKE IN MAG127. So it’s probably not the case. But still: Jared felt something weird about it. Will it mean something…? Will it be poison for him…? Will Beholding take a look at Jared from the inside. uwu

- Tiny thing but that could turn out to be relevant later:

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: I was down here just yesterday, and there wasn’t– MELANIE: Here. ARCHIVIST: Oh. This, this door… It shouldn’t be here.

If the sound is any indication, they were in the tunnels. Which means… that Jon explicitly mentioned spending time down there. What is he doing? Trying to map them out, using them to get in and out of the Institute like Tim used to? Planning something?

Basira left at the end of MAG128 (3rd March 2018); it’s been 17 days since then, almost 5 weeks since Jon woke up from his “coma”, and… we still don’t really know what Jon is doing with his time. He only recorded and listened to two statements since Basira’s departure, and we know he can’t really do much follow-up lately so… What are you not telling us, Jon…?

- I’ll never get tired of Jon conking the heck out, and it’s been twice in a short amount of time! <3 (MAG128 after the reading of Breekon’s statement, MAG131 after the ribs extraction.) What is your life, Jon.

- Oh My Gods, Jon, You Can’t Just Ask People Why They Didn’t Kill Someone.

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: I see. … Why didn’t you kill him? MELANIE: I stabbed him in three different hearts – didn’t work. If you want to go hunting for a fourth, knock yourself out. ARCHIVIST: I, er… I’m alright, I think.

mELANIE…

- I am SO delighted about the news that Helen has been back and helping!!! I missed her so much gdi!!! And I really wasn’t expecting that she had been around all this time, that she had saved the Archives Team since Melanie stabbing three hearts didn’t manage to take down Jared!!

And I feel bad now for calling her “Helen” with quotation marks and taking extra-precaution to designate her differently from MAG047’s Helen Richardson, since… Helen took offense from the “It” and Melanie calls Helen “she”, so let’s trust Melanie on Helen’s correct pronouns! :w

* To be fair to Jon, Helen-as-the-new-Distortion was extremely confusing, identity-wise, in MAG101 and MAG115! She spoke about “Helen” in third person, but sounding like it was a constant push-pull between being and not being (MAG115: “I don’t, I don’t think I have a choice but to be Helen. Self is difficult.”); admitting to have killed a man, and not being satisfied by it but… not being overly upset about murdering an innocent person either (;; have there been others, since then…?); making Jon an offer to evolve alongside each other when The Unknowing was coming close and Jon was precisely trying to put himself together. But if Helen indeed didn’t lie… she could have helped, indeed, back then ;; She could have used her doors to transport them to the wax museum and ensure their safety…

* I do like how Helen suggested that Jon not put a clear delimitation between humanity and monsterhood; it was both… a sort of invitation for Jon to stop angsting about it, and to stop trying to run away from it? And it also echoed what Jon himself had wondered about, about being himself, when he woke up (MAG122: “I’m… I’m… I’m trying to focus. Trying to make sure I’m the same me as before, but… how can anyone really remember that? How do you know… you’re the same person that went to sleep…?”).

(MAG131) MELANIE: She’s been helping us. ARCHIVIST: It has never helped anyone. Not without a cost. [THE DOOR CREAKS OPEN] HELEN: If I’m an “it”, Archivist, then what does that make you? [THE DOOR CREAKS CLOSED] MELANIE: Hi, Helen. ARCHIVIST: I have been told that you could help. HELEN: I have been trying to. But the last time you were very rude. ARCHIVIST: And you’re still wearing her face. HELEN: Not this again. I’m not “wearing” anything, Archivist. I am at least as much Helen Richardson as you are the Jonathan Sims that first joined this institute. Things change. People change. It happens. ARCHIVIST: … We’re not “people”, though, are we? Not anymore. HELEN: Names. Categories. It’s all so important to you, isn’t it? You do know none of it is actually real. It’s all just meaningless boxes.

(Though: Avatars and monsters still tend to call Jon “Archivist” – they’re also the ones putting Jon in a box?)

BUT AT THE SAME TIME, IT PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH………… BECAUSE GUESS WHAT…………… GUESS WHO MIGHT HAVE BEEN RIGHT ABOUT THIS AFTER ALL……………

(MAG092) ARCHIVIST: […] Am I… Elias, am I still human? ELIAS: Jon, what does human even mean? I mean, really? You still bleed, you can still die. And your will is still your own, mostly. That’s more than can be said for a lot of the “real’ humans out there.

*FLIPS TABLE* I WOULD LIKE TO FIND HELEN’S WORDS INSPIRING BUT… IT’S ALSO WHAT FUCKING ELIAS SAID… WHY IS THIS EPISODE A STRING OF IMPLIED “ELIAS HAD BEEN RIGHT ABOUT X AND Y”……………………

* That said, I’m also laughing that:

(MAG131) MELANIE: Is… he still in there? HELEN: Oh, yes. He’s not exactly something that I can… digest. He’s a bit of an irritant, to be honest. If you’re looking to let him out, I can be persuaded. […] MELANIE: … Did you let that… thing go?

(Bwahahah about Helen calling Jared an “irritant”, when Elias had qualified Michael with that word.) For all that talk about showing respect to People-Who-Changed-And-Became-Spooks, Melanie really had trouble calling Jared a “he”, uh. (But well. She stabbed three of his hearts. That gives her a peculiar point of view.)

* Was that a reference to periods.

(MAG131) HELEN: Hm. Bodies are strange. Rather glad they’re not my concern anymore. MELANIE: Must be nice. HELEN: [CHEERFUL] It really is!

* OOPSIE, so. If Martin knew that Helen was around and that she saved them from Jared… I have trouble picturing him taking her presence kindly. (MAG118: “being left to wander impossible corridors for weeks!” ;;)

* ANYWAY, HELEN IS THE BESTEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO TEAM ARCHIVES, OKAY.

(MAG131) MELANIE: … Did you let that… thing go? HELEN: He found a door. MELANIE: … Where did he come out? HELEN: The door may have been in a bwall, some distance above a river. MELANIE: [CHUCKLE] Nice…!

She’s totally nailing the Keeping My Promise (And Wrecking You At The Same Time) aspect of monsterhood, uh! =DD

(MAG131) HELEN: Good luck, Archivist! Be seeing you.

Look!! She’s even being a good guest by using the awful pun of the local patron which is currently housing her door!!

* There was something in this episode about the fact that Avatars or people-who-are-not-total-spooks(-yet) are Their Own Person: Jared refused to participate in his god’s own ritual, out of sheer disinterest; Melanie explained that the anger wasn’t coming from the bullet but was her own; Helen has decided to help, despite what one could expect from The Spiral (or is it a trap? She sounded genuine and given the overall message I felt from the episode, I don’t think she was lying and trying to mislead here, that she wouldn’t be able to fight a sort of natural instinct); Jon is trying to save Daisy despite the fact that The Archivist is supposed to be “the Observer” and that Beholding is usually described as… amazingly passive. It’s really like how Gertrude made her own choices, decided whom to sacrifice and how in order to reach her aims? I wonder if this will lead to something about Daisy? When we left her in MAG119, she was chaotic and filled with violence (Breekon described her as “feral”); in the same way, that violence is… most probably her own, building up since she was a kid. Maybe she isn’t as lost and Far Gone as what I feared; maybe there will be a way to hear her words, too?

- So many character developments points for Jon…

* I’M SO PROUD OF JON FOR TRYING TO APOLOGIZE HERE AND THERE… it was good! And he ended up understanding that it wasn’t the point, and did what Melanie asked him to do – shutting up and listening to what SHE wanted to say!!!

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: Oh, I… Melanie, I–I’m so sorry, I– MELANIE: Oooh, fuck off?! […] ARCHIVIST: Basira said you were doing better. MELANIE: Would you just– stop?! ARCHIVIST: No– Right, no– MELANIE: This isn’t better! ARCHIVIST: M–Melanie, I, I– […] M–Melanie, it, it– MELANIE: Don’t tell me to calm down! Don’t you dare–! ARCHIVIST: [LOW] Right… Yes. I… […] Maybe… maybe it’s enough to start healing, start… letting go of the anger. MELANIE: Oh, just stop! Just stop and– listen. ARCHIVIST: Okay.

Jon has grown up so much and it involves shutting up!!!

* He didn’t apologize to Helen but listened to her! And thanked her!!!

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: Right. Uh… [WINCES] Thank you. … For your… for your help. HELEN: You are very welcome. I have decided that I support what you’re doing, and I’m happy to assist. I think we’ll all be much happier this way.

Progress!!

* GAASSSPPSSSS

(MAG131) MELANIE: Basira’s not going to be happy that you let him out. ARCHIVIST: [SCOFF] Basira isn’t here. … And if this works…! I’ll have Daisy waiting for her when she gets back, so I don’t think she’ll be thinking – too much about Jared.

Is… is this Jon finally understanding about lesbians………………….

(Jooooon, but what about YOU freeing Jared into the wild… There will be people coming to you, in a few months/years, telling you about how they lost a loved one or were tortured by him, maybe, if your bone doesn’t kill him or if he doesn’t drown thanks to Helen… I’m surprised that he didn’t think about the consequences here, even though he had highlighted that he was upset at the thought of people getting killed and victimized by the Fears…?)

(;; And the idea that getting Daisy back would cheer up Basira is such a simplistic reasoning, at the same time… almost childish? Very pure? Like a child knowing they did something their parents would disapprove of on principle, but hoping that the consequences will make up for it anyway? And the way Jon is banking on Basira forgetting about his freeing Jared because Daisy would be back… probably means that no, it won’t be that easy and simple and nice, uh…)

- People not saying anything but conveying in their tone that “Sure, Jon.” (/You Do You) when Jon tries to explain the thing about “anchor” really cracks me up:

(MAG131) MELANIE: [INHALES SHARPLY] So! Why are you trying to chop off your finger? ARCHIVIST: [AWKWARDLY] O–oh, I, I–I am– [CLEARS THROAT] I nee–need a… I’ve been thinking of it a–as an anchor. I think. I… know. Something I have a connection to, th–that I can use to find my way out of the Coffin when I reach Daisy. I–I figured the strongest anchor would be… part of my own body. [BREATHLESS LAUGH] MELANIE: Okay. So… just cut it off.

[…] JARED: That’s yours. What’s it for? [PAINED SOUNDS OF RECOVERY] ARCHIVIST: [STAMMERING] Um… A, a–an anchor JARED: Huh. Right. Anyway, this one’s for me.

[…] [CLICK–] HELEN: Still alive? MELANIE: Seems to be, yes. HELEN: And he’s certainly holding a bone, for some reason. MELANIE: Said it was going to be an… “anchor”.

Nobody is impressed rezufsdhjnfez.

- How could you ever say that Jon wasn’t funny, Martin:

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: That’s it? [SNORT] Hardly worth a rib. [JARED LOOMS FORWARD] [PLACATINGLY] Alright! Alright. Is it, uh… Is it going to hurt? JARED: Dunno. Doesn’t hurt me. [THE ARCHIVIST MAKES IT BE KNOWN THAT IT DOES RATHER] [EXTENDED SOUNDS OF MEAT AND BONE MOVEMENT]

(I missed the official transcripts and their official descriptors so, so much efdshjxnefd.)

Anyway! Jon… Oooh, Jon… you already did know about that one. You had already read from someone who had gotten a bone removed by Jared himself…

(MAG049, Gregory Pryor) “There is… no way to describe what it feels like, to have bone pulled out of you through your unbroken skin. If you’ve ever been stabbed, or had a decent-sized object embedded in you, maybe you can remember how it felt to have it removed, but even then, the pain is of a different quality. The nerves aren’t being… torn, or cut; they’re being pushed aside, like water. Imagine the feeling of removing a rubber glove from your hand but… you’re the glove, not the hand. And it hurts like the worst toothache you can imagine, it– That’s as close as I can get to putting it into words. […] I can still feel it sometimes, like it’s still there. I know it’s just phantom limb syndrome but… sometimes I swear it feels like my bone’s still out there, twisting in someone else’s arm… ”

So yep! It was supposed to hurt! And hurt it did!

Also enjoy feeling your rib twisting in Jared’s torso (or wherever he put it), Jon…………….

- I think this was the most unsettling episode ever for me. WHAT A BEGINNING, WOW, THANKS, THAT WAS AWFUL AND… not even exactly gruesome, but very disturbing? Not so much for the sounds of Jon trying to cut off his own finger but because of his shaky cries of pain while doing it.

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: […] [PAINED FRUSTRATION] Oh, come on! Everyone else can carve up the Archivist but– when he actually needs it…! […] MELANIE: [INHALES SHARPLY] So! Why are you trying to chop off your finger? ARCHIVIST: O–oh, I, I–I am– [CLEARS THROAT] I–I need a… I’ve been thinking of it as a–a, an anchor, I–I think. I… know. Something I have a connection to, th–that I can… use to find my way out of the coffin, when I reach Daisy. I–I figured the strongest anchor would be…. part of my own body. [BREATHLESS LAUGH] MELANIE: Okay. So… just cut it off. ARCHIVIST: Er, I’m… doing my best. MELANIE: [HUFF] Can’t go through with it? ARCHIVIST: Oh, th–the blade keeps going in! And… it hurts… hurts plenty. But then it heals up, pretty much the moment I take it out – no wound, no scar… nothing.

YEAH, YOU BET, I COULD HEAR THAT.

So, is it not working because it’s Jon doing it to himself, or because only Spooks can harm him (temporarily) now? Gooooosh, the fact that Jon tried and tried again, and was losing it with pain/anguish but kept trying for a good while… (If he manages to get Daisy back and she’s not too far gone: I wonder if they would try to test the limits and conditions of Jon’s healing abilities?)

That also ;; answers (without any question) the matter of whether Jon would be able to self-harm, or to try to… avert his fate, at the last moment. Apparently, no. I’m guessing that the auto-regeneration is more akin to a reflex, and it should be a good thing (he can heal very fast! can’t even get harmed through normal means!)…  But it’s awfully creepy to know for sure that Jon doesn’t have that control over his own body anymore – that his body doesn’t really belong to him anymore, and that what he wants to and can do with it are now two different things.

- Which should have been a first red flag for Jon about his idea of using his own body as an anchor. AND THE SECOND ONE WAS OBVIOUSLY:

(MAG131) JARED: Not much you could want, comin’ to me. Put summat in. Take summat out. Which is it? ARCHIVIST: Take something out. … A bone. A rib, probably. S–something I won’t miss.

(+ Bonus of accepting super-quickly to give up on another rib and to give it to Jared against his statement.)

“Something I won’t miss” OH MY GODS JON, DO YOU EVER STOP AND LISTEN TO YOURSELF………. HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO WORK AS AN ANCHOR IF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO MISS IT, IF YOU’RE NOT EXCEPTIONALLY ATTACHED TO IT……. J O N…………..

- Maybe the Rib-As-Anchor will work but I’m Very Sceptical About It. So many ways and reasons for it to work or to not work with everything going very wrong anyway!

* The rib works, Jon goes back to the surface with Daisy, she’s still in (or returns to) the “feral” state she was in during the Unknowing and manages to flee. Jon now has two missing ribs, an empty coffin, a very dangerous Daisy on the loose, and a lovely Story to tell to Basira, who will… not be very happy about it.

* The other rib works and Jon comes out somewhere in front of Jared; feral!Daisy butchers The Ex-Butcher (which could solve the Jared problem) and escapes, same as above re:Basira.

* The ribs don’t work because Jon literally said it would be something he wouldn’t miss, or they actually… already grew back in his own very messed up Beholding body; Jon compulses Daisy into thinking about her own anchor (like he grounded Tim during the Unknowing), and she thinks about Basira, and Daisy gets the both of them out.

* Same as above except Daisy gets out and Jon is still stuck. Either gets out by thinking about Georgie or Martin OR THE MEMORIES OF TIM&SASHA, L I S T E N, I SHIP JON/MARTIN LIKE EVERYONE ELSE BUT I WOULD D I E IF JON WERE ABLE TO RECOVER HIS MEMORIES OF THE REAL SASHA’S FACE AND TIM’S LAST MOMENTS IN A DIRE SITUATION AND THAT IT WOULD BE THE THING SAVING HIM, ALLOWING HIM TO GET BACK………, either he ends up needing exterior help to get out – Basira coming back right in time? Martin doing something? Martin asking Peter to save Jon? The Web having to send someone/something again?

- It also worked when Sasha and Tim were still around *WHIMPERS LOUDLY*, but: nobody in Extended Team Archives is a heterosexual dude! So All Likelyhoods aside, I want Daisy back and a team sleepover down in the tunnels, between Daisy-Basira-Melanie-Helen, and Jon being… there. Honorary guest or person-who-had-to-pay-for-the-food. (Get Martin back, put him there too, for max awkwardness!)

Shhh. Shhhhh. *cries*

Patreons have the title so, yep, well, we know the main subject, uh. (Both “being x” for Daisy, and “getting x” for Jon, I’m guessing…?)

[thatwritingho]

Momento Mori

Chapter 3

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2

Olive had been given all of 24 hours to pack her things and make arrangements before she was flown out for her two week trial in Mordhaus. Now, after a day to settle in and go over various rules and regulations and what seemed to be a ridiculous amount of health and safety waivers, she found herself in a rather lavish, gothic styled guest room, her bags tossed randomly across the floor, clothes strung out on the bed as she fretted and mumbled to herself over what to wear for her first meeting with the band.

“I don’t want to look too formal, but I don’t want to seem too casual either, oh my god why didn’t I pack more options I don’t have shit to wear fuck fuck fuck… should I wear something kinda sexy? I want them to think I’m hot but I don’t want to look like a fucking groupie either, this is supposed to be a professional meeting after all… god damn it…”

Dark eyes shot over to the plastic tub serving as temporary housing for her ball python, and she quickly approached, popping off the lid and lifting the snake out.

“What do you think, Apophis? Is this outfit ok for a first meeting?”

Said snake was draped over her neck as she walked to the mirror, turning this way and that as she mentally critiqued every little detail of her appearance. Her makeup was done, skin appearing flawless, dusty rose and grey eye shadow with matching rosey lips, and a dusting of gold highlight to compliment her skin tone, nails done with pointed tips and shiny black polish.

Her hair was proving to be as wild and unruly as ever, natural curls refusing to be tamed and forming a large pink mass on the left side of her head, a stark contrast to the dark brown stubble on the right. She longed to be able to pull it back in a classy french braid, but exposing the left side of her scalp was absolutely out of the question.

The grey, short sleeve turtle neck was tight and hugged her curves in all the right ways, accentuating her large chest without being revealing enough to be considered inappropriate, and the high waisted, black pencil skirt with equally black belt cinched in her waist before smoothing over her hips and coming to a stop at a modest-but-not-grandmotherly length just below her knees.

She had chosen short sleeves to highlight the sprawling art that made up the tattoo sleeve on her right arm, as well as the rest of the singular pieces littered across her other arm and both legs.

The ensemble did wonders for her figure, but it was still a bit plain. Missing something.

Boring.

And that was the last thing she wanted to seem when meeting her favorite band.

“If only I could wear you as an accessory, Apophis,” she sighed, walking over to the messy, tangled pile of metal that her jewelry had become in her haste to pack.

“Now… how to spice this up…”

After much frustration and cursing herself multiple times for not taking the time to properly store her necklaces, Olive finally managed to untangle her statement piece. It was simple, but beautifully crafted; a medium sized, smoky glass pendant attached to a long silver chain, a few shades darker than her top. To compliment, she fished out a plethora of silver studs and hoops to fill in all of her ear piercings, choosing plain black tunnels to make her stretched lobes stand out.

Slipping on a pair of black closed toe heels, she did one last turn, jolting a bit in surprise at the knock on her door, a muffled voice addressing her through the heavy wood.

“It’s time, miss.”

Nerves set heavy in the pit of her stomach as she returned the reptile to it’s home, and she bounced in the balls of her feet for a few moments before working up the courage to open the door, smiling politely at the Klokateer who was stationed outside her room, the very same one, it turned out, whom had been her mystery stalker a few days prior.

“Are you ready, miss?”

Olive cleared her throat awkwardly, nodding in response as she didn’t trust her voice not to crack, and began to follow after the rather large fellow who’s name she didn’t know, heels clacking against the stone floor as she fought the urge to vomit. He had introduced himself as a number, twelve-thousand-and-something, which was honestly very unnerving, and had her questioning whether she should be working for a place that dehumanized it’s employees so, but had decidedly disregarded the matter. It was probably easier for everyone involved, with the sheer amount of people they employed, to go by number instead.

Lost in thought as she was, she barely noticed as a large, medieval style door came into view, two more large, hooded men posted up on either side, and sucked in a few, hopefully discreet, deep breaths as it dawned on her that this was actually happening. Behind that door await the most famous, most musically talented men in the entire fucking world. Waiting to evaluate her. To judge her. To decide if she was worthy of their time. Worthy of their presence.

Oh, she was absolutely fucked! What had she been thinking? There was no way in hell that she was actually qualified for this!

Stalkateer, as she had dubbed the behemoth of a man, rapped gently on the wood, addressing her before entering.

“Please wait here, miss.”

Heart slamming against her chest, pounding in her ears, stomach about to implode, a cold sweat breaking out all over, she fought the primal urge to fucking run.

God I need to get myself together. I can do this. It’s just like any other stupid business meeting. Only this time it’s with fucking Dethklok. Oh god oh god…

After what seemed like hours but was in reality mere thirty seconds of Olive trying her damndest to avoid eye contact with the two guards, the door creaked open and Stalkateer reemerged, taking up post next to one of his coworkers.

“The masters are ready for you.”

.

Charles took a steadying breath, assessing the band members in various states of inebriation before him. He had requested they be sober for the first meeting with their potential physician, so of course none of them were, although he would give them credit for all being awake and semi interested, which is more than he could typically say about their usual alertness during meetings.

“So.. you uh, you really found someone, huh?” Nathan looked at him with mild skepticism, slouching in his chair, beer bottle in hand.

“Ah, yes, yes I did. And I can assure you that she meets all of your, ah, conditions.” 

“Scho then sche’sh hot, right?”

“And knows how to, uh, like, cut up corpses and stuff?”

“She’s ams a nice ladys too, rights? One whats know hows to haves fun?”

“Boys, boys, settle down,” Charles raised his hands in a silencing gesture, attempting to quiet the rapid fire questions, “why don’t you all make the call yourselves? I’ve asked her to do a two week trial, to, ah, see how she gets along with everyone. She should be here any moment now, actually, for me to introduce to you all.”

As if on cue, a knock sounded at the door, a Klokateer entering and bowing before his masters, announcing the arrival of the woman in question.

“Ah, very well. Thank you, Number 12945. You may let her in.”

All eyes turned to the door, the click clack of heels approaching the only sound in the room as a small figure appeared, dark eyes glancing over every person in the room once as she made her way to stand next to Charles, looking every bit as cool and collected on the outside as she felt nauseous on the inside.

“Everyone, I would like you to meet Olive Axworthy, your new personal doctor.”

.

A deafening silence filled the room for a few moments as Olive stood before the band, all eyes on her as everyone was frozen for a beat, a bit shocked at just how very young, how very small, and how very pretty of a doctor Charles had managed to pull out of nowhere. She fought against the need to fidget under their stare, standing straight and proud with a neutral expression like she had been drilled to by her adoptive father.

“Dood. Are ya even, like, old enough ta be a doctor?”

Finally, the awkward silence was broken, Olive’s eyes snapping over to the owner of the voice and nearly squealing in excitement as she met the gaze of fucking Pickles the Drummer, frontman of Snakes n’ Barrels turned best drummer in the world, who was talking to her.

Oh sweet jesus, he was talking to her!

Respond, you idiot!

“Oh, um, yeah. I graduated early.”

Great, real articulate, Olive…

She could have smacked herself for giving such a lame answer, but he merely raised a pierced brow at her in response, and she nearly died from how ridiculously attractive it was.

“Scho are you like schome kinda geniush or schomethin?”

Dark eyes slid over to the person sitting next to the redhead, and she felt her heart flip at the sight of William fucking Murderface slouching in his chair, arms crossed and eyes racking over her body none too subtly.

Oh my god, he’s checking me out, holy fuck.

“Uh, technically, yeah, I am.”

“Huh. How ‘bout that.”

On the other side of the table, someone cleared their throat, and Olive was sure every person in the room could hear how loud her heart was pounding as she met the eyes of Nathan god damn Explosion, his broad form even more appealing in person.

Lord, how I’d love to be pinned under him…

“You, uh.. You can, like, work on, uh, dead people, right?”

Shaking off her perverted train of thought, Olive couldn’t help but smile at that, relaxing a bit as the topic turned away from her and to corpses.

“Yeah. I’ve been working in a morgue for the past year.”

“And you, like, take out all their, uh, organs and blood and stuff? You can do that?” He had leaned forward in his chair, becoming more attentive at the change in conversation.

“Yeah. I can do autopsies, embalming, cremation.. pretty much anything.”

“Oh, wowee! That ams so cool!”

Olive practically salivated at the sight of Toki Wartooth grinning at her from beside Nathan, his long, silky hair shining beautifully as he stared at her in fascination.

“Ja, how cools ams it tos cuts open people whats already died?”

“Yous ams so means, Skwisgaar! It ams too cool!”

Said blonde scoffed at Toki, fingers plucking away at the strings of the guitar in his grasp as his icey eyes sized up the woman before him, much slower and with much more purpose than Murderface had.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf. I’m in the same room as Skwisgaar Skwigelf. He’s so beautiful. This isn’t real.

Despite her Inner Fangirl blabbering away like an idiot, Olive managed to push aside the urge to jump the blonde and ride him for all he was worth right then and there on the table in front of everyone, instead shrugging as his eyes finally met hers.

“I mean, it’s pretty fun. Better than dealing with most living people, y’know?“

There were a few chuckles around the table at that, and Pickles stole her attention once more, a sexy, crooked grin on his face.

“Fun, huh? Is dat what ya cahll it?”

Olive grinned a slightly devious grin back at him, eyes glinting in mirth.

“Yeah, I’d say so.”

“Whoah. So, like, can you, uh, show us? Like right now?”

Nathan’s face was lit up with childlike excitement, and as she glanced around the table, so were the other member’s, even Skwisgaar.

“Sure, why not?” Dark eyes turned their focus to the suited man next to her, who had been silent for this entire exchange, and he eyed her with slight suspicion as she smiled mischievously at him. Oh god, what had he done, putting this woman and Dethklok together? And with her next question, it cemented in his mind that she was going to be nothing but trouble for him.

“Got a body?”

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2

[pendulum-sonata]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Yu-Gi-Oh! ARC-V Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Akaba Reiji/Rin Characters: Akaba Reiji, Rin (Yu-Gi-Oh) Additional Tags: Alternate Universe, Belligerent Sexual Tension, Marriage of Convenience, Awkward Dates, Arc V Rare Pair Week 2018, Matchmaking, If you wonder about the setting, google search for marriage dates please, this is something I've been thinking about for a while Summary:

Rin has a problem: she has a date. And she is going to do everything in her power to ruin it.

@arcvrarepair

She doesn’t understand…

Nothing works with this guy, nothing seems to faze him. Rin out of tricks, usually by this point the guy has already left or made a scene, giving her a way out for leaving herself.

But not this time.

When she arrived to the meeting place, completely underdressed – This time it had been a pair of faded pink shorts and a worn out blazer instead of the blue gown her ‘father’ had suggested – he had not reacted in the slightest to her own outfit, how could he? When he had apparently beaten her to the punch by appearing wearing white slack pants, a blue sweater, and a red scarf, a scarf! in the middle of summer! Who does that?

The high and mighty Reiji Akaba apparently because when they arrived to the restaurant the waiter made absolutely no snide comments nor did he throw any dirty looks, only bowed his head and lead them to their seats.

The best table at the place actually.

When she ordered a soda pop instead of water, he only nodded even after she asked for a straw with it and ordered coffee for himself – Coffee? At night? Really? – then when she pulled out her phone pretending to play with it, intent on ignoring him she noticed from the corner of her eyes how he was doing the same!

Except he was actually doing some calls, not pretending like her.

When they were given their drinks and she prepared herself to order the most expensive thing in the menu, she stopped… it was a measly salad and would something like that put on dent on someone who could walk into the best restaurant of the city wearing casual clothes? Probably not, so she chose the most ‘common’ dish on the menu, a burger, and made sure to ask to the waiter very loudly if she they had fries or chicken nuggets to add on the side.

Still nothing, he waited patiently for her to finish and ordered something that sounded like french giving her little idea of what it was.

The food would take much longer to arrive and she tried to kill time slurping on her drink as noisily as she could, even drawing the attention of the people in the table closest to them and still the only time she got a reaction from Reiji was when she finished it:

“Would you like to order some more?” He still had his phone on his hands but his eyes were staring directly at her.

It had been impossible to see them with the glasses and the dark outside but now she could see they were purple; she’d never seen purple eyes before.

“Maybe later…” Rin was at a loss of words, by this point no matter how polite guys seemed to act, they had all given her some clue as to what seemed to annoy them the most about her, whether it was a twitchy eye, a falsely nice comment, or just plain complaining; but even as she was still under his stare she sensed absolutely no judgement, annoyance or disgust coming from it.

Should she play the ‘clingy’ card and start moaning on the fact that he was being inattentive to her? But she had never seen herself on the need to do it, Rin wasn’t sure she could pull it off and convince him of it after all her previous behavior.

No, she would have to be nosy instead, that was something she was – or was at least she was told – very good at, and for some reason it seemed one of the many ‘undesirable’ and ‘unladylike’ traits of her that she ought to correct.

“I can’t help noticing you making what appears to be business calls,” His hand finally let go of the phone and placed it on the table, he adjusted his glasses before answering her.

“I apologize; I will stop if it’s bothering you.” The tone of his voice didn’t give out anything either.

“Nah, I’m just curious, I was told that you were still studying,” Like her, she thought, granted he was a couple years older than her, but still not old enough.  “I had no idea you were involved in your family’s business yet.”

“Ah, I have been involved since I turned 16, just not officially, my parents tell people I’m ‘studying’ because technically that is what I’m doing: studying the inner workings of the company.”

“Until you take over I’m guessing.” She said feeling a bitter taste in her tongue; of course people like him, ‘true’ heirs were groomed at early age.

“You could say so,” He paused, his eyes narrowing the slightest bit before continuing. “What about you Miss Rin? I assume unlike me; you are actually studying.”

Of course he assumed that, she thought grinding her teeth.

“First of all, I’d like if you stuck to just ‘Rin’, secondly, yes, you are correct, I’m studying Mechanical Engineering.” When she said these words, he blinked, and when his eyes fixed on her again, she finally felt something from his end, a new atmosphere surrounding them.

Was this… interest? No, it couldn’t be.

“I see, Mi-,” He backpedaled just in time. “Rin, that is surprising to learn, nothing on your profile seemed to indicate such thing, a truly challenging and competitive career path you have chosen.” Of course he would think that, like everyone else who thought she was just wasting her time doing so.

“It is, even if it’s just my first semester, we already have a project to build as our final evaluation, it’s very time consuming to come up with a design, figuring out the synergy and calculus of it, it has taken a lot of me lately,” And she could be spending this evening catching up to some reading for her classes, she expected he noticed the annoyance in her voice at what she had to say at least. “especially with other… duties in my life.”

She waited to see what his reaction would be when she saw something flash across his eyes – although she wasn’t sure if it was the glasses or not – but of course he chose that moment to take another sip of his coffee.

Then he chuckled…

There was something definitely wrong with him.

“I understand what you mean, frankly I feel the same about this whole situation.” He had the gall to throw a smile at her and Rin felt a full frown set on her face.

“Don’t say that.” She thought for a moment about adding ‘please’, but she discarded the idea and to his questioning look she added: “Don’t try to make it look like our situations are the same, or that we are at the same level, because we are not.”

To his credit Reiji kept proving himself to be a master at hiding his reactions as the only thing he did was locking his hands together in front of his face, the gesture did nothing but remind her to her father.

“Is that so?” He started and somehow Rin thought there was anew edge to his voice that wasn’t there before, maybe she had finally hit the jackpot. “It seems you judge people too easily.”  

“We all do that; it’s what people call first impressions.” Rin couldn’t believe he had the guts to act as if she was the offending party.

“Fair enough, then, have you finished your assessment of me?” He asked and something in his eyes made a chill run down her spine.

“Arrogant, self-absorbed, double-faced, hypocrite…” He wanted to hear the truth? He’d have it. “You seem to think it’s a terrible thing to do, but aren’t you doing the exact same thing?” Rin wasn’t going to tear her eyes away from his now.

“I see,” Even now he didn’t seem angry or affected, somehow she had the feeling that behind his hands he was smirking. “Is that a request for my assessment of you?”

“Actually? No, I’m not interested in your opinion of me.” And she truly wasn’t, at all. “The only thing I want to know is what your interest on this marriage meeting is? Why haven’t you left? What do you get out of this?”

After she finished her questions the waiter arrived with their food, and Rin had to swallow her words only until the guy left, if a disturbance was caused by her, the employee would take the brunt of it and she didn’t feel like having that in her conscience.

Instead while the table was settled she took her time to look at him, like, really look at him, he looked exactly like his profile picture showed him, but there were a couple things a camera couldn’t capture: his height, his broad shoulders, his stance and even the aura he gave, a strange combination of practiced stuffiness and ease.

When they were left alone again, he addressed her again.

“To answer your questions with a single answer: I see this marriage meeting, and every one of them as business, where we can hopefully reach an agreement of mutual benefit.” When he finished he adjusted his glasses and seemed content with his answer.

Too bad the feeling wasn’t mutual.

“And you think a marriage like that can last?” Maybe Rin was the one being a hypocrite now, but even then…

“Quite the opposite, I think it’s the only type than can last.” She felt her eyes narrow at this.

‘I understand now…’

“I see…” She had a hard time pulling the words together, even if she knew exactly what she wanted to say. “That's too bad because I’m not interested in a shallow relationship like that.”

‘…Why is it so hard to talk to him, it’s because he’s the type of person…’

“Shallow? I think it’s a matter of perspectives,” He stopped to take a fork and knife, taking a piece out of what looked like a sort of steak, she took a bite of her meal too, half-tempted to do it messily, just to see what he made of it. “After all to expect to found a life-long commitment on something as mercurial as feelings… that I would consider a shallow relationship.”

“Then, I suggest you find someone else to hire as a ‘wife’ for you.” She said taking another bite before adding. “I wonder if leading a life like that makes you happy?”

‘…That I hate the most.’

ᴥ

‘Happy...’

Flattery, high expectations or even outright bribes, those were all pretty common things he is used to deal with, however, nobody had ever asked such an outlandish question, the answer should be pretty obvious for everyone, including himself.

Why did he find himself at a loss for words then?

‘Hire a wife?’

From a certain perspective that was not a wrong interpretation, but still… he had heard the rumors about her difficult character before, no matter how much the matchmaker tried to hide it, his mother had off-handedly shrugged the same concerns, probably exasperated at his own difficulties at finding a proper match after he had already gone through the rooster of eligible and ‘respectable’ ladies that she knew about.

But it seemed he made an error of judgement, thinking she was looking forward to secure her relatively unsteady position as heiress.

After all she had effectively shut him up for the remainder of their meal, the only sounds were the cutlery on the food and plates and the music coming from the dancing hall not too far away from them.

“Would you like to dance?” He asked an idea blooming in his mind and saw her stopping mid-bite to stare at him with narrowed eyes.

“You don’t look like one for dancing, especially not dressed like that.” That was rich coming from the girl wearing an ensemble brought from a fleet market.

“I could say the same.” Normally he wouldn’t be this sarcastic, but something about Rin prickled at his most… childish impulses.

“…Touché.” She said standing up without him prompting her and much less taking his hand until they arrived to the dancefloor and she allowed him to grab her waist without protesting, if anything she looked bored.

He couldn’t blame her because Rin had not been wrong to point out he wasn’t one for dancing, but he had to take themselves out of the table where they had started to attract some attention with their banter.

They both moved in automatic steps, probably looking as uncomfortable as he felt.

“To answer your last question…” He started and he felt her tense. “No, I’m not happy, not yet anyway, I’m not happy with the way things are at Leo Corps, and I will not be happy until I manage to change them.”

Reiji allowed himself to drink on her looks of surprise, while not classy or elegant in the usual way, he would lie if he say she was not very pleasing to the eye, there was nothing in her that indicated soft curves and smiles, and there was an… icy quality to her eyes that he couldn’t quite place.

“Then why taking an interest in me? I’m certain there’s nothing I can provide for this plan of yours.”

Why indeed.

“I admit my mistake on thinking we were on the same page about this situation, still, you shouldn’t sell yourself short Rin, there are other commendable traits I look for on a wife than monetary assets.” After all he already had plenty of that. “For example, strength of character, ambition, honesty, intellect… among others, if I cared for none of those I would have simply accepted the first candidate thrown to my person.”

“You realize that I want nothing with marriage at this point of my life right? Not with you or anyone, it’s nothing personal.” Yes, he knew that.

“I gathered that much, I myself don’t wish to take such decision before I have something else to offer than a name and flimsy promises of happiness.”

“You don’t make sense… marriages dates are to speed up well, marriages.” The music ended and they stopped, but still didn’t move. “And you yourself mention the impatience of your mother.”

“You’ll find engagements are very effective for stalling marriage, my mother will be content with that for the time being, as long as I don’t waste my time, she will not interfere.” And he knew her father wouldn’t press for anything more until he had the marriage secured, by the time came and if all went according to his plans Rin would be considered an adult though.

“You sound as if you already made a decision.” Rin crossed her arms, her eyes scrutinizing him, as If looking for faults in his statements.

He was familiar enough with Divine to know that was a valuable asset as well.

“I will not force any decision on you, if that is what you are implying. “She motioned for them to walk up to the bar, to avoid getting on the way of the other dancers he supposed.

“It is not what I meant, I meant that I need more than one date to truly make my mind about something as lifelong commitment as you put it.” For the first time in the entire night she was not glaring daggers at him, if anything it looked as if she was making an effort to keep eye contact.

It didn’t fit her; he thinks he prefers the sharp edge of her eyes.

“Of course.” He said nodding. “Do you wish for us to end this date? It’s getting quite late and I imagine you are due to school tomorrow.”

“I am, thank you for the evening.” She smiled at him and he felt himself smile in response too.

It was funny really, what she said about first impressions, because while he misinterpreted her intentions…

Reiji was glad he had been wrong, even if the first one had him unable to tear his eyes from her glossy and soft-looking green hair and golden eyes.

[autistic-duck]

This is a great article @artichokingu! It captures a lot of aspects of the experience and inspired me to write to longest freaking post in existence. The article attempts to answer why autistic people camouflage, how we camouflage, and what happens both short- and long-term when we do. I'm going to share my story with camouflaging, also known as masking, to answer these questions in my own words.

First, why do I camouflage?

I learned to mask because people treat me differently when they see me stimming. I can't swing my legs or rock in my chair without people critiquing these behaviors, but I spend hours bouncing my legs at school because that is a "normal" way to stim. Every person bounces their leg when they're stressed. I spent my teen years studying how to control my volume, make the "right" comments, and stim discreetly. I studied pop culture references and "trained" myself to stop crying at small things. If anyone told me I was acting weird, I instantly stopped doing what I was doing and added the "weird" trait to my extensive list of things to consider before I said or did something. Even though I'm trying to unlearn masking, sometimes I still catch myself evaluating and critiquing my behavior.

I used to camouflage my autistic traits to make friends with the people I was supposed to be like. I made a list of the people I should have been hanging out with and worked on ways to fit in with them. I was thin, white, and smart. I saw the other kids who looked like me in the popular crowd, so I tried copying the popular crowd to make friends with them. It didn't work, though, so I ended up making friends with those who would accept me.

Basically, the article got this part right. For me, masking was about assimilation and making friends. I wanted, and still want, to belong somewhere. In order to connect to people who are judgemental of autistic traits, I camouflage.

How do I camouflage, specifically?

I already gave the example of bouncing my legs instead of rocking, but camouflaging goes much deeper than that. It involves being constantly aware. Aware of my surroundings, aware of the social context, aware of my facial expressions, aware of the smallest movements of others...

If anyone I don't know is nearby, I adjust my actions according to the invisible social standards I taught myself. Don't laugh unless they have context for what you're laughing at. Don't frown; they might think you're mean. Don't walk too slowly. Don't walk fast, either, though. Look ahead, or down at your feet, but don't look up at the sky, no matter how pretty it is. Do not make eye contact from a distance, but if you do, pretend like you didn't see them. Unless they wave. Then you wave back. If they open the door for you, say "thank you" or at the very least smile to show your gratitude. If something goes wrong, smile. Nobody gets mad when you smile.

For me, camouflaging is acting. I have to make my smiles and frowns appear genuine. I practiced facial expressions in the mirror for hours, watched hours of shows about making friends, and tried out bad jokes on people I knew wouldn't judge me for making social mistakes. I learned the right context for which emotions, and now I can force myself to show happiness when I'm not happy or sadness when I'm not sad in order to look like I'm being "real" with people.

Again, the article got this part right.

The final question is: what happens when you camouflage?

Short-term, it feels terrible. I come home from social events exhausted, and on days in class where I have to hide what I'm feeling or force feelings I don't have, I spend literal hours afterward staring at a wall or mindlessly scrolling through social media to regain enough energy to talk to my family again. Short-term, masking leads to low physical and mental energy.

Long-term, it is much worse. I struggled with my identity throughout middle and high school because I didn't think I had one. I copied what other people did and lost myself in the process. Choosing a path in life was extremely difficult because of this loss of identity, and I can never take back the time I lost learning how to identify as someone else. To this day, I question who I am and whether or not what I'm doing is real or just an act I've put on. Camouflaging also led to burnout that lasted for years, as well, and I'm still recovering from that traumatic experience while also trying to prevent it from happening again. My life is a strange balancing act at the moment.

There is a lot more to say about camouflaging/masking, considering I've lived my entire life as an AFAB autistic person, but I hope this sheds some light on what it's like to camouflage autistic traits. The article about camouflaging is extremely well-written and well-researched, and I hope to see more studies being done to more accurately understand the autistic experience.

Camouflaging in Adults with Autism Spectrum Conditions _

Hello everyone, I am currently a student at Korea University taking a class called Neurodiversity. Attached is an article we talked about in class and I wanted to share my opinion on it. I would love to hear your opinion on this! <3

This article discusses social camouflaging in adults with ASC (Autism Spectrum Conditions). It was found that people camouflage for two main reasons: assimilation and connection. Individuals may want to make friends or they are caused due to societies demands on how they should act and be. This is mainly seen in females, I believe society's standards on women are higher regarding how they should behave and present themselves. This creates exhaustion mentally, and physically, which could lead to burnout. This is also why women are more likely to be undiagnosed because they 'fit in' with society more than others. Additionally, when women try to get diagnosed as an adult, it could even be a more difficult process. They have masked their entire life and might not even meet the criteria. It can be difficult to unmask when it is the only thing you have known how to do your entire life. How do you operate authentically and truly when all you have done is copy others' actions, and facial expressions, to every second of your life?

This article confirmed my knowledge of camouflaging, especially in girls. I get the majority of my ASD/ASC information from you all directly, your personal experiences and stories. It was quite interesting to see similar thoughts and experiences in an article.

The article did not mention specific effects of camouflaging such as becoming non-speaking, burnout, sensory overload, etc. Moreso mainly exhaustion and fatigue (unless I missed something).

Anyways, I would love to hear your opinions on masking. What is the result of masking? (meltdowns, burnout, etc.) How you deal with the heavy load of it when it gets too overwhelming, your thoughts on the article, and any comments are welcome!

Thank you for your time <3

[tarahutchjewelry]

What Is Self-Awareness and How Does it Develop?

From VeryWellMind

Self-awareness involves being aware of different aspects of the self including traits, behaviors, and feelings. Essentially, it is a psychological state in which oneself becomes the focus of attention.

Self-awareness is one of the first components of the self-concept to emerge. While self-awareness is something that is central to who you are, it is not something that you are acutely focused on at every moment of every day. Instead, self-awareness becomes woven into the fabric of who you are and emerges at different points depending on the situation and your personality.​

People are not born completely self-aware. Yet research has also found that infants do have a rudimentary sense of self-awareness. Infants possess the awareness that they are a separate being from others, which is evidenced by behaviors such as the rooting reflex in which an infant searches for a nipple when something brushes against his or her face. Researchers have also found that even newborns are able to differentiate between self- and non-self touch.

When Does Self-Awareness Emerge?

Studies have demonstrated that a more complex sense of the awareness of the self begins to emerge at around one year of age and becomes much more developed by approximately 18 months of age.

Researchers Lewis and Brooks-Gunn performed studies looking at how self-awareness develops. The researchers applied a red dot to an infant's nose and then held the child up to a mirror. Children who recognized themselves in the mirror would reach for their own noses rather than the reflection in the mirror, which indicated that they had at least some level of self-awareness.

Lewis and Brooks-Gunn found that almost no children under one year of age would reach for their own nose rather than the reflection in the mirror. About 25 percent of the infants between 15 and 18 months reached for their own noses while about 70 percent of those between 21 and 24 months did so.

It is important to note that the Lewis and Brooks-Gunn study only indicates an infant's visual self-awareness; children might actually possess other forms of self-awareness even at this early point in life. For example, researchers Lewis, Sullivan, Stanger, and Weiss suggested that expressing emotions involves self-awareness as well as an ability to think about oneself in relation to other people.

How Does Self-Awareness Develop?

Researchers have proposed that an area of the brain known as the anterior cingulate cortex located in the frontal lobe region plays an important role in developing self-awareness. Studies have also used brain imaging to show that this region becomes activated in adults who are self-aware. The Lewis and Brooks-Gunn experiment suggests that self-awareness begins to emerge in children around the age of 18 months, an age that coincides with the rapid growth of spindle cells in the anterior cingulate cortex.

However, one study found that a patient retained self-awareness even with extensive brain damage. This suggests that many areas of the brain are not required for self-awareness and that awareness may instead arise from interactions among brain networks.

Levels of Self-Awareness

So how exactly do children become aware of themselves as separate beings? Researchers suggest that children progress through a series of levels of self-awareness between birth and approximately age 4 or 5. Self-awareness is observed by how children respond to their own reflection in a mirror.

1. Differentiation - At this point, children start to become aware that what it reflected in a mirror is different from what they simply perceive in the environment.

2. Situation - This level of self-awareness is characterized by a growing understanding that self-produced movements can be seen in the mirror's surface. Children are also aware that it is their own movements they are observing.

3. Identification - At this point, children recognize the image in the mirror as themselves rather than someone else staring back at them.

4. Permanence - Children can not only identify themselves reflected in a mirror, they can also identify their own image in pictures and home movies.

5. Self-consciousness or "meta" self-awareness - At this level, children are not only aware of themselves from their own perspective, but also become aware of how they are in the minds of others.

Types of Self-Awareness

Psychologists often break self-awareness down into two different types, either public or private.

Public Self-Awareness

This type emerges when people are aware of how they appear to others. Public self-awareness often emerges in situations when people are at the center of attention, such as when giving a presentation or talking to a group of friends.

This type of self-awareness often compels people to adhere to social norms. When we are aware that we are being watched and evaluated, we often try to behave in ways that are socially acceptable and desirable.

Public self-awareness can also lead to evaluation anxiety in which people become distressed, anxious, or worried about how they are perceived by others.

Private Self-Awareness

This type happens when people become aware of some aspects of themselves, but only in a private way.

For example, seeing your face in the mirror is a type of private self-awareness. Feeling your stomach lurch when you realize you forgot to study for an important test or feeling your heart flutter when you see someone you are attracted to are also examples of private self-awareness.

Self-Consciousness

Self-Consciousness: A Heightened State of Self-Awareness

Sometimes, people can become overly self-aware and veer into what is known as self-consciousness.

Have you ever felt like everyone was watching you, judging your actions, and waiting to see what you will do next? This heightened state of self-awareness can leave you feeling awkward and nervous in some instances.

In a lot of cases, these feelings of self-consciousness are only temporary and arise in situations when we are "in the spotlight." For some people, however, excessive self-consciousness can reflect a chronic condition such as social anxiety disorder.

People who are privately self-conscious have a higher level of private self-awareness, which can be both a good and bad thing. These people tend to be more aware of their feelings and beliefs, and are therefore more likely to stick to their personal values. However, they are also more likely to suffer from negative health consequences such as increased stress and anxiety.

People who are publicly self-conscious have a higher level of public self-awareness. They tend to think more about how other people view them and are often concerned that other people might be judging them based on their looks or their actions. As a result, these individuals tend to stick to group norms and try to avoid situations in which they might look bad or feel embarrassed.

Summary

Self-awareness plays a critical role in how we understand ourselves and how we relate to others and the world. Being self-aware allows you to evaluate yourself in relation to others. For people who have an extremely high sense of self-awareness, excessive self-consciousness can result. If you feel that you are struggling with self-consciousness that is having a negative influence on your life, discuss your symptoms with your doctor to learn more about what you can do to cope with these feelings.

[lucyariablog]

Road Map to Success: Monitoring and Measuring Your Content’s Performance

No matter how creative, memorable, or popular your content pieces may become, every asset you create and share will ultimately be judged by the impact it makes on your business’ bottom line.

While it can be tempting to think about measurement only after all other tasks are complete, you should recognize by now how critical it is to have the right data on hand to inform every phase of your content marketing approach. That is why it’s a good idea to establish sound measurement practices from the start of every program, enabling you to track, analyze, and optimize your content’s performance on a continual basis.

But, of course, just because something is a “best practice” doesn’t mean it’s easy (or possible) to achieve in a real-world setting. Fear not. Even if you’ve been creating and distributing content for a while, it’s never too late to implement the measurement techniques to identify what’s working, discover areas where improvements can be made, and determine where to scale back to concentrate on more impactful efforts.

It’s never too late to implement #content measurement techniques to know what works, says @joderama. #metrics Click To Tweet

Before you proceed: If you aren’t confident you have the right strategic or tactical foundation to support your measurement efforts – or you just need a quick refresher on an earlier step in the content marketing process – review these Road Map to Success guides:

Resources to Refresh Your Content Marketing Program

Content Marketing Strategy Essentials

Turn Your Strategy Into a Stellar Editorial Content Plan

Creating the Content of Your Audience’s Dreams

Deliver Value With These Distribution Essentials

3 components of the measurement equation

The three main components to measuring, evaluating, and optimizing the performance of all your content marketing initiatives include:

Deciding what to track

Tracking, measuring, and managing the data

Turning information into actionable insights

Deciding what to track

Though you can measure just about anything these days, that doesn’t mean you should. Metrics can quickly become all-consuming and confusing – especially if you try to gauge performance against too many goals at once. It’s helpful to start with a few measurement fundamentals, such as:

Outlining your organization’s definition of content marketing success so everybody on your team understands what their efforts are meant to achieve

Identifying your top measurement priorities and the metric data you need to use in their pursuit (more details on this can be found below)

Establishing performance benchmarks to enable easier analysis

Calculating the baseline costs involved in executing your content plan to effectively gauge ROI down the line (more on this below)

Once you master the basics and your program grows more sophisticated, you can expand your focus to incorporate additional data points – and more advanced analytics techniques – into your measurement efforts.

Though you can measure just about anything these days it doesn’t mean you should. @joderama #contentmarketing Click To Tweet

Inventory and audit your existing assets

If you’ve begun to publish valuable content and look to put a more formal measurement plan in place, the first steps are to identify, qualify, and categorize your existing assets. After all, you can’t measure it if you don’t know you have it. 

First, you need to create a content inventory – a quantitative list of the assets published across content types, channels, and distribution formats. From there, you may want to conduct a full content audit – a qualitative evaluation of your inventoried content – to assess your existing content against your customer needs and your strategic objectives.

Not only can these processes help you understand your content’s strengths, weaknesses, and overall strategic alignment, they can also reveal any gaps that might exist in your coverage as well as areas where your content needs an update – all of which could keep visitors from converting.

Take a shortcut: Want the insights from a full content audit without spending months of your time? Check out How to Do a Content Audit in a Few Hours.

Measure for priority goals

You (and your stakeholders) likely expect your content program to pay off in a number of ways. But chances are you equate one goal with success above all others. For example, are you looking for:

Website traffic growth?

An increase in the number of qualified leads entering the sales pipeline?

A greater share of voice among your competitors?

Enhanced brand awareness or sentiment among potential customers?

Knowing where your company’s priorities lie is essential to determine which goals to focus on for your measurement efforts. You also need to know which key performance indicators (KPIs) to track as evidence of your content’s impact. Use the chart below to get a sense of critical KPIs you should be tracking in pursuit of common content marketing goals.

Another way to approach performance data tracking is to consider the most common KPIs for each type of content you create – email newsletters, website articles, social media content, etc. The list below outlines some of the most informative metrics in common content categories:

Consider using the most common metric for each content type, says @joderama. #metrics Click To Tweet

Listen and learn

While it’s important to gather quantitative data to validate your content’s value, you can also gauge your content’s impact by listening to the conversations around your brand ­– including social media conversations. This direct, unsolicited feedback can be invaluable to understanding whether your content is reaching the right audiences, how well it’s being received, and what you can do to increase the value of your publishing efforts.

A content review template, like the sample below, tracks relevant social media conversations and documents any analysis you extract from listening activities.

Click to enlarge

HANDPICKED RELATED CONTENT: 50 Best Social Media Tools From 50 Most Influential Marketers Online

Keep tabs on your competition

Your content doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Every new asset must draw attention from something else your audience might want to pay attention to. A competitive content marketing analysis of your industry peers, including how well their work is performing, can give you a fuller picture of where your audience’s needs are being met and where opportunities exist to steal mindshare from other businesses.

Tracking, measuring, and managing your data

Content marketing measurement isn’t a one-time effort, it’s an ongoing process. And, like any process, having the right tools, techniques, and templates can be invaluable in organizing the data, identifying key opportunities, making meaningful changes, or reporting results to your stakeholders.

#Contentmarketing measurement isn't a one-time effort, it's an ongoing process, says @joderama. #metrics Click To Tweet

Set a manageable measurement schedule

When putting your measurement program in place, decide how frequently you’ll collect your data. Do it too often and you might not allow enough time for meaningful patterns to appear; but if you wait too long, you run the risk of overlooking problems that could keep your content from reaching its goals.

For example, CMI’s Cathy McPhillips recommends tracking performance on a monthly basis to start, then adjusting your timeline as necessary. Use the spreadsheet template below to keep an eye on your goals, KPIs, and the metrics you are tracking in your evaluations.

Track #content performance on a monthly basis, then adjust your timeline as necessary. @cmcphillips #metrics Click To Tweet

Click to enlarge

Build a metrics dashboard

Once you choose the performance indicators most meaningful for your business, you want to track the performance of every content asset you publish against those benchmarks. Building a dashboard where you can display all your data in one place on an ongoing basis makes it easier to identify performance outliers (both good and bad), as well as report your results to your supervisors and stakeholders.

Dashboards can be created and customized in many ways and, with the right tools, you can get granular. But this simple measurement template from NewsCred (via Michael Brenner) can get you started with a broad view of how your content performs against common metrics over a trended time. And, as your analytics capabilities grow more sophisticated, you can build it to include additional data points.

HANDPICKED RELATED CONTENT: Your CEO Needs These 4 Content Marketing Metrics

Let your tech do the tracking

A basic dashboard like the one above is a great way to manually aggregate and evaluate your performance data. But more robust analytics tools are available to provide deeper insights, including solutions that automate common measurement tasks for easier ongoing analysis, as well as those that correlate findings across multiple content platforms.

Organize your information for easy reporting

Once you have your performance data on hand, it’s useful to keep your team members, executive management, and other content stakeholders regularly informed about the progress your program is making. Here is a checklist for creating a simple editorial status report, which you can use to share key analytics and insights on an ongoing basis.

Turning information into actionable insights

Having the right data at your fingertips won’t do you any good if you don’t understand what the stats are telling you or know what to do in response. Following proven best practices for analyzing your results and turning those insights into action helps you spend less time staring at abstract data on your screen and more time addressing the meaningful opportunities they reveal.

Establish a scoring system

The standards for considering a piece of content to be a “success” can vary widely project to project and purpose to purpose, as well as by organizational goals and processes. It can be hard for content marketers to determine whether an existing asset is performing to expectations. It’s helpful to use a consistent methodology or content scoring system to enable your content team to make apples-to-apples qualitative assessments. By assigning a standardized numeric value to each of your KPIs, you can get an at-a-glance view of the relative benefits each content effort brings (or is likely to bring) to your business.

How do you know if a #content piece performs to expectation? Use a content scoring system, advises @joderama. Click To Tweet

Tap into the most powerful insights

Google Analytics is practically synonymous with basic site visitor metrics like page views and bounce rates. But this robust tool can also be mined for the kind of deeper, more actionable insights that lead to smarter content choices – if you know how to access them.

To start using Google Analytics as a decision-support tool, follow the simple, five-step process outlined by Orbit Media’s Andy Crestodina. You can also refer to CMI’s handy applied analytics guide to learn more about the analytics reports that can answer some of your biggest content performance questions.

Click to enlarge

Augmenting your analytics

The aggregated, trend-focused data from Google Analytics can help you see the big picture of your content’s performance. But if you want to learn why certain content assets are achieving better results, you may want to measure their impact on a more individualized level.

For example, by adding marketing automation tools and CRM systems to your analytics arsenal you can collect information on how specific users engage with your content and the actions they take afterward. Then, by correlating those data points with insights in your content marketing personas, you can start to determine which content pieces are most likely to suit a user’s particular needs ­– and what it will take to move the user to conversion.

Translate knowledge gained into ROI achieved

When all is said and done, content should benefit the enterprise – not just the content department. Learning how to determine and present proof of content ROI is, perhaps, the most critical component of the content measurement equation.

Learning how to present proof of ROI is most critical component of the content measurement equation. @joderama Click To Tweet

As I mentioned, to calculate ROI, you first need to determine the baseline costs involved in creating, distributing, and promoting content in your organization. As Michael Brenner points out, you need to factor in average production costs to the business – including copywriting fees, design services, use of tools and technology systems, and team resources – as well as estimated costs associated with content utilization and performance.

To calculate ROI, you need to factor in average production costs to the business, says @BrennerMichael. Click To Tweet

However, if you look at content marketing from a campaign standpoint, a more straightforward way to demonstrate the business value your content provides is to follow the basic technique Jessica Best outlines for proving the return on marketing investment (ROMI) of an email campaign. Jessica’s approach simply calculates marketing dollars in and marketing revenue out rather than factoring in the business’s overall cost of goods: Take the amount of revenue an average campaign generates, subtract your expenses for creating and delivering that campaign, and then divide the result by your expenses.

Of course, if your content marketing program is more sophisticated and well established – or you have dedicated data scientists on hand – you may want to invest more time and effort in your ROI determinations. This collection of templates and techniques for tying your content to revenue can help you start off on the right foot.

HANDPICKED RELATED CONTENT: Building Your Content Marketing Team? 14 Skills for New, Growing, and Mature Programs

One last thing…

Once you’ve worked through all the steps of planning, building, executing, and evaluating your content marketing program, there’s one last thing you need to do: Go back to the beginning. No, you don’t need to redo all the work, but periodically revisit the strategic choices initially established and make any necessary adjustments based on the lessons learned throughout the process. Only by treating content marketing as a cyclical and ever-evolving process can you truly keep your program running at peak levels of performance over the long term. 

Make sure your content marketing road map includes a stop in Cleveland, Ohio, Sept. 4-7. Register today for Content Marketing World. Use code BLOG100 to save $100. 

Cover image by Joseph Kalinowski/Content Marketing Institute

The post Road Map to Success: Monitoring and Measuring Your Content’s Performance appeared first on Content Marketing Institute.

from http://contentmarketinginstitute.com/2018/04/measuring-content-performance/

[neareport]

NEWPORT, Ark. – As Derrick Heard, 16, was led into the Jackson County Courtroom, his brow was furrowed while he seemed to stare through other humans in the room as though they were made of paper.

The young man, charged with the capital murder of Newport Police Lt. Patrick Weatherford, appeared to be annoyed or put off as he first entered the crowded room Thursday morning but seemed to carry this demeanor throughout proceedings. Almost stone-faced at times, the teenager displayed little emotion and few, if any, expressions during his time in court.

Little Rock Attorney Ronald Davis, representing Heard, entered a plea of not guilty on one count of capital murder, one count of attempted capital murder, breaking or entering, theft of property and possession of a handgun by a minor. Davis did not contest or request a bond be set for Heard, as he said the underage suspect was also facing several charges in juvenile court.

Giving a possible indication as to what the defense plans, Davis requested a mental evaluation be set for Heard. While speaking to a Democrat Gazette reporter on the way out of the courtroom, the defense lawyer said a few factors he had been exposed to led him to seek that option. He did not wish to elaborate further. Davis was also asked about Heard allegedly confessing his role in the incident but seemed to dispute this, stating the confession was said to have come from Calamese – not Heard.

However, this would contradict the arrest warrant authored by Sergeant Scott Pillow of the Arkansas State Police Criminal Investigation Division. The affidavit, notarized on July 24, 2017, states “Heard admitted his involvement in the death of Weatherford and his firing of gunshots at Rogers.”

  Also appearing in court was Tyler Calamese, 18, who is charged with breaking or entering, theft or property and furnishing a deadly weapon to a minor in connection with the case. Calamese’s attorney requested he be given permission to live with a relative in Arkadelphia, so that he might enroll in high school to finish his senior year. Circuit Judge Harold Erwin approved of the request since Calamese is out on bond. His next court appearance is scheduled for September 14.

Judge Loses Cool

With a courtroom overflowing with patrons, press, attorneys and police, Judge Erwin’s patience seemed to be wearing thin by the time the 9 a.m. proceedings began. Due to there being no audio system in the large room, members of the press struggled to hear as attorneys brought their defendants before the judge.

The docket, alphabetically sorted, included dozens of defendants. It made its way to Calamese when the judge seemed affronted by so many individuals standing near the wooden partition on the outside of the jury box near the entrance to the courtroom. As the judge commanded patrons and their families to sit down, he specifically began to command reporters to take a seat outside of audible range of the court proceedings. The judge specifically pointed to this reporter (Stan Morris), who was standing with a KATV reporter, Marine Glisovic, and a KARK reporter, and made the command to sit down.

Refusing to concede to his order and borderline violation of the freedom of the press to operate without government restriction, Glisovic stressed to the beleaguered judge, “We’re members of the press!”

Morris informed the judge the three were unable to hear the proceedings and moving us further back would worsen that. The judge acquiesced but not without showing his displeasure. As his perturbed outburst continued, he motioned for reporters to enter the jury box with a look of disdain. Once he finished waving the press forward, he asked if all of the reporters were finally happy. He then made mention of security concerns as his reasoning.

Erwin’s display continued as one of the next defendants came forward and failed a drug test. He ordered her arrested and set her bond at $500,000 – cash only. Factually, there are individuals charged with murder in Northeast Arkansas who have lower bonds. Audibly sighing at every delay, Erwin told court officials to hurry on several occasions. In a stunning moment, he then verbally chastised a defense attorney for standing up, leaving, and stopping to shake someone’s hand upon his exit.

Erwin was reelected to his position of Division 1 judge of the Third Judicial District in May, 2014 for a term expiring in 2020. He had no opponent in his last election.

Story and photos by Stan Morris | NEA Report

Circuit judge photo taken from Arkansas judiciary website.

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Teens plead not guilty in Weatherford case; judge loses his cool. NEWPORT, Ark. - As Derrick Heard, 16, was led into the Jackson County Courtroom, his brow was furrowed while he seemed to stare through other humans in the room as though they were made of paper.