#I am so stressed about my therapy appointment tomorrow.

[queered-into-oblivion]

.

[yuribalisms]

If someone could just like…. Stab me through the eye that would be great idk

[illdowhatiwantthanks]

The Avocado & The Turnip (The Surprise, Part 8)

Emily Prentiss x fem!reader Warnings: established relationship, pregnancy times, fluffy fluff, kind of hurt/comfort (?), mentions of some pretty horrific crimes (duh), gunshot wound, some explicit language Word Count: 1.8k

Summary: A series of hard cases puts a strain on your relationship with Emily. Anxieties run high on both sides, and the reality of Emily's job–and the risks the come with it–feel even more real than usual now that there's going to be a child in the picture.

Week 16: The Avocado

“I just don’t know what to say to him,” Emily exclaimed, resting her chin on your stomach, a worried look on her face.

Your plans for an adorable evening of talking to the baby had backfired. For unknown reasons, Emily had come home in a bad mood, anxious and on edge. Somehow, the news that the baby could likely hear you now had only made her more anxious.

“You can say anything, Em. She’s the size of an avocado. She’s not gonna remember what we say; she’s gonna remember our voices.”

You ran your fingers through Emily’s hair, trying your best to alleviate some of her stress. You’d meant for this to be good news, to be a fun, cute little moment she could have with you and the baby after a brutal day at work.

“Tell her about your day,” you suggested.

Emily glared at you, and you felt yourself shrink. “I can’t tell him about my day!” she yelled, her voice angry. “What am I supposed to say? Hey, little man! I have to leave you tomorrow to go find a guy who’s murdering teenage boys by ripping their throats out with his teeth and then eating them. But don’t worry, I’ve only had to deal with, oh, ten or so cannibals over the years. The chances of you being cannibalized are slim. Never zero though!”

In your head, you knew that Emily’s outburst had nothing to do with you, nothing to do with the baby, and everything to do with the horrendous things she saw at work. She tried very hard not to bring work home with her, not to carry the weight of the horrors she saw every day into your house. But sometimes they stuck to her. Sometimes they dragged her down, and she couldn’t quite shake them. But it wasn’t often that she was mean. She hardly ever raised her voice at you. She knew it scared you.

You sat up and placed a hand protectively over your stomach, trying to keep your face set, impassive, but flinching a little as Emily moved toward you.

She was instantly full of regret. Her face fell as she noticed that your posture had changed from open to defensive, noticed the way your eyes had glazed over–a remnant of trauma.

“Oh, honey, I’m sorry,” she breathed, cupping your cheek. “I’m so sorry.”

You softened when you saw that she was close to crying–a rarity for Emily–and pulled her head to your chest, pressing kisses to the top of her head.

“I’m sorry, baby,” she mumbled against you. “It was just a hard day.”

“Tell me about it.”

“What?” she asked, lifting her head a bit.

“Tell me,” you insisted. “I can handle it. You’re my wife. You had a bad day. I want to hear about it.”

Emily shook her head, her voice so quiet you almost couldn’t hear. “No, you don’t.”

“Hey,” you said, tilting her chin so she was looking in your eyes. “I can decide what’s too much for me, okay?” You rubbed your thumb back and forth along her cheek. “If I say I can handle it, I need you to believe me.”

Emily sighed, exhaling shakily. “You remember after we started dating?” she explained, her voice low. “And I had a really hard time at work because every victim who was a woman made me think of you?”

“I remember,” you answered. And you did. If there had ever been a time in your relationship when you would’ve broken up with Emily, that would have been it. She’d been angry, on edge, paranoid, and even more obsessive about work than usual. It had eventually gotten so bad that you’d given her an ultimatum–start going to therapy or this isn’t going to work. Nearly six years later, Emily still had a biweekly standing appointment with her therapist–unless, of course, she was in the field.

She played with your fingers, quiet for a moment. “It feels like that all over again, but with kids. Child victims are hard anyway, but… every tiny body I see, I just think of him and–” Her voice broke, and you held her a little tighter. “It scares the shit out of me.”

“Of course it does,” you assured her. “That just means you love her, baby. It means you’re gonna be a great mom. It makes sense that those cases hit closer to home right now.”

“Yeah, but I don’t want to take it out on you. Or him.”

You exhaled slowly, kissing the top of her head again. “When was your last appointment with Angie?”

Emily sat up, stretching, and shrugged, looking guilty. “Last month, maybe? I just–I’ve been out on cases and…”

“I know, baby,” you said, taking her hands in yours before she could start biting her nails. “It’s okay. But, maybe you should call her and see if she can get you in. Even tonight, you know? Before you leave tomorrow. She does telehealth, doesn’t she?”

Emily nodded. “Yeah. Okay.”

She still looked guilty and nervous. It broke your heart.

“Come here,” you said, tugging her onto your lap. She wrapped her arms and legs around you and hugged you like you were the only thing keeping her tethered to this world. And for your part–you held on like you’d never, ever let her go–and you never, ever would.

Week 17: The Turnip

“She what!?” you yelled into the phone, launching yourself off the couch and scrounging around in the junk drawer for your keys.

“Calm down, mama,” Derek soothed through the phone. “It’s just a surface wound. The bullet grazed her shoulder, that’s all.”

“That’s all!? My wife gets shot, and you’re telling me that’s all!?”

You heard a scuffle on the other end of the phone, a distant, sharp Give me the phone! and then there was Emily’s voice, flooding you with relief.

“Honey, I’m fine, I promise,” she said, and she certainly didn’t sound like she was dying.

“You got shot!”

“Just a little bit…” Her voice was sheepish.

You threw up your hands in frustration. “Emily Elizabeth Prentiss! You have a child coming. You can’t be getting shot!”

“I know, I know.”

You sighed, rubbing your forehead. “What hospital are you at?”

“No, baby, you don’t need to come,” she protested.

“Don’t need to come, my ass,” you grumbled. “Where are you?”

Another scuffle and Derek had the phone back. “Y/N. Hey. We’re just in Baltimore, alright? She’ll probably be discharged here in a few minutes, and I’ll bring her home.”

You were still a little suspicious. “Straight home?”

“You have my word.”

It was the longest hour and a half of your life, sitting on the couch, watching the Find My dot of Emily inch its way home. You frowned when you saw her stop at El Rinconcito. That little shit. She was trying to buy you off with pupusas. Well, it wasn’t going to work. Your stomach rumbled. Well, it might work a little bit.

A half hour later, you heard the door unlock. Derek held it open for a very guilty looking Emily, who walked through the threshold with her arm bandaged and wrapped in a sling.

“Oh my god,” you breathed, your hands fluttering all over her, gingerly touching the bandage and turning her face this way and that to check for more damage.

“I’m fine, honey,” she said, pressing her good hand to your face and kissing you.

“Mmhm,” you mumbled, unconvinced. “Tell that to your unborn child.”

Emily crouched down and pressed a kiss to your stomach. “Mommy’s just fine, little guy, don’t you worry.”

It was so cute, you couldn’t even be that mad.

“Alright, lovebirds,” Derek said, gesturing to the couch. “Get comfortable and let Uncle Derek take care of you.”

You grimaced, thinking of straight people things. “Eew.”

He rolled his eyes at you. “Not like that. Sit down and eat your pupusas, woman.”

You and Emily giggled, plopping yourselves on the couch, one on either side.

Derek threw blankets at you, and you got yourselves situated, your legs tangled in the middle. Derek plated the takeout and brought it to you.

“I could get used to this,” Emily said, taking a bite and running her foot up and down your leg.

“You better fucking not,” you mumbled through a bite of pupusa. “I don’t want you getting shot every time you want a lazy day.”

Derek brought you both glasses of water and set a bottle of pain meds on the side table next to Emily.

“Anything else I can do for you, ladies?” he asked. “Foot rub? Serenade? Grocery run?”

You smiled at him. He was so good to you. Both of you. “You’re gonna make some straight woman very happy.”

He bent down to ruffle your hair and to squeeze Emily’s good hand. “I’ll settle for my favorite lesbians for now. You need anything else before I go?”

Emily shook her head. “No, I think we’ll be okay. Thanks, Morgan.”

“Anytime, Prentiss,” he replied, giving her a small salute as he walked out the door. "Call me if you need anything."

The moment he left, you shot a glare at Emily. 

“What?” she said, trying and failing to shrug, thanks to her injured shoulder.

You couldn’t help the worried expression that took over your face.

“Please tell me you’re careful,” you pleaded, brushing a few unexpected tears from under your eyes.

“Y/N.” She sat up, alarmed, and reached for your hand. “I’m careful. I swear.”

“I just… I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“And you’ll never have to find out,” she reassured, rubbing her thumb across the back of your hand.

“We need you, Em,” you whispered, placing your other hand over your baby bump.

She winced a little as she moved forward, pulling your face toward her so she could stroke your cheek. “I’m never reckless, honey. I do everything I can to stay safe. I promise. I will always come home to you.”

You were quiet as she pressed her forehead to yours, breathing in the smell of her, the warmth. You both knew it was a promise she couldn't make, not with her job. But you needed Emily to understand that it wasn't just her she was staying safe for anymore. It was you and the little one, who deserved to grow up with both of her moms.

“Sometimes it scares me how much I love you,” you said, so quiet she almost didn’t hear.

Emily kissed your forehead, then pressed her lips to yours, soft and gentle. “Me too.”

She pecked you on the lips again, then brushed her thumb over your bottom lip. “But you don’t need to be scared today, okay?”

She smiled a little, and you nodded, taking a deep breath.

“Now, eat your pupusas,” she grinned, pinching your cheek.

[misc-magic]

I apologize for this rant.

Why yes I am procrastinating cleaning the kitchen which I unexpectedly have to do tonight because I discovered that my sink has been leaking into the cabinet and I have an appointment for the plumber to come somewhere between 3 and 6 pm tomorrow while I’m supposed to be working but honestly I’ll be happy to have an excuse to not be at my desk except that I don’t know if they’re going to have to replace my garbage disposal which I won’t be able to afford without going into debt so is it really worth the sweet moments when I don’t have to deal with idiots?

And when I said I was stressed my mom was like what do you have to be stressed about? Like I didn’t just spend the evening helping her with her virtual therapy appointment by letting her use my house and my laptop and then explaining what everything is on her mail in ballot because she hasn’t voted in years, after spending the last week taking care of her dog while she was out of town. All things I don’t mind doing at all but you know. This is why I bottle everything.

[takecarelove]

insanely stressed out rn for 28965702839983 different reasons (i'm okay!!) so i'm sharing my to do list/schedule with times and everything today -> tomorrow bc what r u guys going to do with this information

11pm-12 am - answer mango anon's ask!!

1-7:30 am - sleep!!

7:30-8:30 am - eat!! and hype myself up for a day of life

8:30 am-9 am - hunt down my sociology teacher. tell him i'm leaving class early. cry to him about how my counselor's ruined my entire life. go to econ

9am - i don't know when that class gets out. 10:30??? - econ </3

-> give my moots a big fat kiss on the lips <3 (one of three times)

10:30???-11:30 - sociology <3

11:30-1:00 pm - drive to therapy and therapy session YAY!! <3

1-1:30 pm - drive BACK to my town (my therapy's in the next one over) for my nail appointment

1:30-2:20 pm - sit in my car or in a coffee shop or something while waiting to go in for my nail appointment bc i have anxiety

-> give my moots a big fat kiss on the lips <3 (two of three times)

2:30-3:30 pm??? idk how long it'll take - get nails done. cry. choke on anxiety. etc.

3:30-8:30 pm - coffee shop!!! i think tomorrow i'll write self ship & co. movie night headcannons <3 and probably finally answer my asks from self ship friday!!

8:30-9:30 pm - go home and shower!!

9:30-10:30 pm - remember about my english assignment and die

-> beg molly to read said assignment? <3

-> give my moots a big fat kiss on the lips <3 (my goodnight kiss to u all MWAH)

[enchanted-wildflower]

22nd of January

Helloo, i'm still alive, I was just really not in the mood to post recently. Here are some pictures from today and last week.

The exam period is over, and my next semester starts tomorrow. I feel like I'm at a changing point in my life. Actually, my boyfriend breaking up with me might have been good for both of us in the end? Idk, I'm still confused, and we also still talk a lot. But yeah, so I realised that I experience chronic stress that is pretty much independent of what is happening in my life and probably a leftover symptom of my PTSD. So I sign up for the gym (even though I haven't gone very much yet, but i'm working on it), and I'll go back to therapy. My first appointment is this week. I also bought a Bible..? Like for private use, not because of my religious studies degree. I didn't see this coming haha. I don't know yet where this is gonna lead, but I just really wanna read it and I have been ignoring the urge to explore Christianity, cause I kind of don't want to be interested in it. But finally I accepted that I actually am interested and started reading it on Friday. It has been great so far!

It's a bible for Gen Z teenagers or something. It gives you video links for further explanations about some chapters and lots of questions to think about for people who have never read the bible. It's a bit tooo modern for me, but oh well.

I don't know yet how this will fit into my spiritual path or if I'll be going into a different direction altogether. I haven't really been practising witchcraft for a while, cause my rational mind just tells me it doesn't work it's not like my experiences really show that it does either, at least not recently. I have been leaning more towards prayer and trying to trust that things will go the way they are meant to. I feel like me reading the bible was kind of inevitable in a way cause I have been praying to La Santa Muerte on and off for years. I pray the rosary for her and I've been interested in the Sacred Heart of Jesus for some years as well. I feel like strict Christians aren't gonna like it haha, cause La Santa Muerte is demonic to them, but I feel like in a way it's her who is pushing me into this direction. So I'm excited to see how this continues :)

[shorterstrides-fasterpace]

Heartache/break is stupid and it stucks. I am glad to be going through it, but also.... Physically: Can my chest please NOT hurt and mentally: can the bad thought/idealation generator please turn off? I would just like to do some work. It is not THAT much additional stress... Please let me do it ... No? Okay. Okay.

Therapy appointment tomorrow morning. So, less time to work tomorrow, and idealation was not on my list of things to talk about.... Ho boy.

[findingmypeace]

I go back to work tomorrow. I will only be there for a few hours in the morning and then I have an appointment to FINALLY have an MRI done for my neurologist. I’m crossing my fingers that I will finally get some answers for my forgetfulness, loss of coordination, brain fog, clumsiness, etc, after years of trying to figure it out.

Anyway, I’m not sure I feel ready to go back to work. Or maybe it’s a good thing? I’ve just been so emotionally overwhelmed that it feels like I will crumble under the weight of high work stress. In 3 weeks we will have a new client admitting to our program. He will be assigned to me. Given that this only happens once every few years we’ve already been preparing for his admission for months but no it’s close to actually happening. I will also have an annual and two quarterly reports due for all 3 of my current clients. That doesn’t sound like much but with this population that’s an overwhelming amount of work to be completed in the next few weeks.

So the emotional overload is not gone and I’m jut about to walk into a month of high work stress. I’m so overwhelmed just thinking about it. Part of me almost feels like diving right back into head first into the eating disorder. I am not recovered by any means but I would love the numbness and distraction of being fully immersed in it. I also know that would make my life infinitely worse.🫤

I had therapy on Saturday and we discussed how I’m still feeling so much emotional pain despite finally feeling like there has been some healing occurring and my relationship with my Mom has moved forward. I think I’m just sad for the time lost, for previous traumas and knowing things will never be the same month because of the hurt and anger and because my family doesn’t live in San Diego any more. We talked about being a dialect. But it still hurts so deeply. I can’t help but cry and cry. My heart aches.

Last thing: I’ve been having ‘break through’ nightmares almost every night and I’ve been taking my night meds exactly as prescribed. I told my psychiatrist this is happening and he said it’s probably because of increased emotional stress. I am newly diagnosed with ADHD and have started taking Dexedrine. My psychiatrist increased my dose and he thinks this will help with the nightmares by improving my mood. This is probably the first time I truly don’t agree with him but I’m hoping he’s right. I don’t think I can bear having nightmares on top every thing else.

I’m crossing my fingers I can handle being so overwhelmed tomorrow.

[buntsuki]

Update!!

Groot is doing wonderful! I am in an extremely tough spot though. We’re going to have to adjust his chemo medication because we can’t afford the ecg he needs for them to feel safe giving him the rest of his doses.

We’re honestly okay switching to the other medication as it’s supposed to be less stressful on his heart. While still being a strong treatment option. The quote for that is $3k for the rest of those doses, with 4 other doses of different types with it. We’re estimating about $5k total. Which we just don’t have at this point. We have been denied for personal loans, CareCredit Card, Scratch Pay, Wells Fargo. My fiancée was approved for a $300 loan at 26.90% interest from Sunbit, which obviously isn’t worth it. We’ve reached out to every foundation we’ve seen, I’ve sent in to weratedogs, Paws4, BowWow and a few other ones I can’t remember the names of at the moment. We’ve all joined numerous Facebook groups to share. We’ve even gotten to a point where last week we asked long time neighbor/family friends (who are very well off) for the possibility of a loan with a notary and payment plan, they read the message and ignored us…we’ve never asked them for money (until last week for a loan).

So that’s it we’ve really exhausted what we can at this point. I’ve sold a few things but of course it’s not enough, the commissions have been super helpful though! Thank you so much! As well as thank you to everyone for sharing!! Shares help..I feel like we just need to get it into the right hands. Of course I’m still going to be doing commissions and selling what I can as well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SO FOR ME:

I’ve had a super busy week, I apologize if I haven’t gotten back to anyone with comm updates yet! I’ve had an appointment almost everyday this week for my own medical issues. Then Groots chemo, and I was meant to have an important doctor appointment tomorrow, but it was rescheduled. There was a mass shooting about 45 minutes away from me, the suspect is still on the loose so businesses are locking doors, and rescheduling appointments. -My absolute condolences to the victims and I truly hope he’s found soon.

I had electro current therapy AlphaStim on Monday and it ACTUALLY HELPED MY CHRONIC PAIN! Like surreal, I can do a couple in office visits that my insurance will cover. There’s an at home one Quell that I think would be life changing for me, but it’s $150 up front for the band and 2 replacement packs. Then it’s $25-50 a month per replacement pack. Which i obviously can’t afford while emptying everything to my name out on chemotherapy. (I would rather be in pain than let Groot down).

I appreciate the kindness and support/understanding right now! It’s a really tough time, especially after the hospital blow, and now hearing about the medication stuff. Gofundme in bio and on my profile as always, no pressure to anyone! Times are hard all around and I don’t want anyone exerting themselves for me.

Thanks for reading! I’ll get back to everyone asap! I have tomorrow free now to hopefully get caught up.

[vizthedatum]

I have therapy again tomorrow - today and tomorrow are huge days for me: a lot of work to do and finish, multiple medical appointments, stressing about justifying myself to my boss, constantly trying to make sure I have my own sense of worth and self-esteem coming from within me...

--

But last week, my therapist said something that really helped me put things into perspective.

For context, I often latch on to and hold on to people from my past, feelings I had, or experiences I've had, and I won't let go because they had such a transformative impact on me.

It's just that all the words said or the actions done - where the words/actions were extremely uplifting and supportive - reminded me of who I was... of who I am.

And to grieve the loss of the people, feelings, experiences I had... because it is a loss! It is! It's all in the past!! I can't even talk to you again, and I'm so fucking sad about it... means that I'm also grieving the part of myself that had that moment of remembering who I am!!!!

But my therapist said last Wednesday that I'd find people and experiences like that again, but that they'd be better. I have transformed and who knows how much more I'll transform again, and again, and again?

--

All of a sudden, fast-forward to today, and I'm realizing that everything I thought I had lost from my past is now distributed amongst my current community and my current set of available experiences.

Sure, it doesn't feel as fiery as I expected it to (I always imagine that it would be a rush of adrenaline like it was in my memory), but it's all there—and I am still stuck in the past.

And it's all better now. It's all exponentially better than in the past.

I want to feel all of it now. You played such an important role in my life, but there is so much of me that you didn't even know - that you couldn't know - and I have so much to do.

[clunelover]

Today I really hit a wall on Men. Specifically the male attitude of "helpful women are like virtual calendars/a substitute for remembering things."

Sequence of events:

E is in their school play, and once the date and time is up and the (free) tickets are available, I forward the email to everyone in the family. The play has two showtimes, a 10 am and 6:30 pm.

Unrelated to play, I offer to host a birthday dinner for my stepdad. I text everyone the date and time and say what I'll be cooking.

One week before bday dinner: my dad texts to ask "is the dinner thing this weekend or next weekend?"

At 4:45 on the day of the dinner: Stepdad (guest of honor) texts me "we're meeting at 5, right?" Nope, it's 6! Hey, at least he asked instead of coming an hour early??

During the dinner, the topic of the play comes up. My dad and stepdad both want a reminder of when/where it is. I try to calmly say, and then my dad says "oh I might prefer to go to the morning show time, can I do that?" [lengthy digressions about the different showtimes and the ticketing website, ultimately leading to my dad needing to see if he's actually free in the morning.]

Yesterday, I text my dad to ask if he decided on which show so I'd know whether to get him a ticket for the morning (he can't work the ticketing website). No reply. The play is on Wednesday.

Today, I take E to therapy. On the way back to school, they tell me that at the bday dinner party, my dad said "hey E, gimme a kiss" on his way out the door, and they didn't want to but didn't feel like they could say no (I didn't notice this happening in the moment). We have a big discussion about how I definitely want them to feel like they can say no, they DO NOT have to worry about hurting grandpa's feelings, I will tell grandpa that he should not say "gimme a kiss" to either of my kids and try to have my antenna up at future gatherings. I drop them off at school.

Literally as soon as I drop them off, my dad texts me back about the play - "when is it, tomorrow? I have a doctor appointment at 10."

Blood starts coming out of my ears and mouth. I'm so angry I drive into a ditch while screaming "fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou!" (...not really but that's how I feel)

I reply "the play is tomorrow. There is a 10 am show and a 6:30 pm show. I got you a ticket for 6:30. At dinner on Saturday, you said you might prefer to come to the morning show. But if you have a doctor's appointment at 10, sounds like 6:30 is the best bet. Hope to see you there!"

He replies, "Don't get mad, but where is it? At the school? What's the name of the school?" [he's definitely managed to show up at this school once or twice before. BUT no, the play is not at the school cause there's not enough room there. It's at a church and all that info is in the email I forwarded everyone]

[blackness and tv static noise]

I finally get settled in to my work computer. The first thing I see is a message from my middle aged man coworker saying "hey when you get in can you tell me again how to do a merge request? I'm trying to make myself a checklist so I stop getting it wrong" (a document on this process already exists, as well as two different video recordings, one of which is actually a video of me training THIS VERY GUY. Oh and by the way, there's one other person on my team who knows the procedure inside and out...a male person...but somehow the messages asking for help are sent ONLY TO ME?!?!)

I'm seriously going to lose my fucking mind. I mean the #1 priority is tackling the bodily autonomy stuff for my kid's safety. As for the rest of it, the answer is probably to stop answering these messages and see what happens, but I fear that will lead to worse things (panicked day-of calls that will cause me more stress than a text...or in the case of my stepdad's party, him just being there an hour early to piss me off and get underfoot, and okay maybe you say "that's fine, put him to work!" but in case this post doesn't make clear, these men will find a way to make a simple delegated chore into my problem too.)

[phoenix-positivity]

27 march 2024

Tomorrow I'm going to a concert. I'm going all by myself. I'll have to head there right after my therapy which is not the best timing I could imagine, but it's okay. It works out that I want to discuss my (work related) stress rather than my trauma this appointment. We were planning to work on body memories but I can't really deal with that right now.

I'm mostly feeling anxious about the concert, but I really hope that I can still enjoy it as well. The band is comforting for me and I sometimes use their songs to ground when I dissociate. Funnily enough I am scared I will be dissociating during the concert. I can probably take some precautions by bringing some grounding tools with me. It has to be stuff that is allowed in there though.. I'll have to think of which bag I'm taking with me anyway. I just checked their policy and my usual bag is considered too big so I'll have to pick a different one. I think I have a small pocket sized spikey ball.. also got to remember my earplugs!

I had a lot of dissociation today, but I also went to the zoo and I am quite proud that I managed to enjoy some sunny weather. I guess the smells of the zoo animals were overriding the triggering smells.

[newtafterdark]

So... it has come to the situation I've been dreading - namely a faulty thing in my bathroom finally breaking beyond repair. I've been telling my landlord about it for years, but he did not do anything about it. So now I am once again in a situation where I have to stay at my stepdad's place for several days, if not weeks. A place that is both a physical and mental hazard to me.

I am so fucking tired of this.

I will use the time I'll spend at my stepdad's place to find a small apartment ASAP. Close to where I already live, but ya know.

I will have to talk to several people tomorrow - to cancel appointments that I can now not appear at, including therapy, and then also the folks at the jobcenter because of my living situation.

I think considering this and other issues with my apartment they'll be fine with me moving to a new place this fast.

So yeah, I'll be stressed for a while and I don't know how I will cope, but I will do my damnedest. Maybe I'll even livestream some art if I can't sleep. We'll see how it goes.

[closerundone]

Between a rock and a hard place

I was lucky enough to see a pain specialist earlier this month, and it has genuinely been a life-changing experience. He has adjusted my pain medication regime, and recommended several changes to my lifestyle. I am now doing gentle exercise four times a week, getting at least seven hours of sleep a night and am making an effort to eat closer to the Anti-inflammatory Diet. I feel better and my pain has reduced to a 6 or 7 out of ten.

However, there was one area that I'm having trouble with - Stress. I am an English teacher who specialises in educating teenagers with low literacy. These kids are often neurodivergent, come from trauma backgrounds or have fallen through the cracks. In addition to helping their spelling and reading, I also build up their confidence and self-esteem and make them feel cared for and valued. This is not an easy task, and I often work or worry about work while at home.

Recently, several situations have occurred, both in my classroom, and between my colleagues in my office. One person in particular has been responsible for creating a very competitive and toxic environment in my workplace. I am constantly stressed, often to the point of tears, and I have noticed my pain beginning to flare up again.

So here's the crux of the problem - Do I stay or do I go? I want to stay to help my students and to help the school community. I love our school - It is small, I know pretty much all the kids, and my husband works there. It has been my family for nineteen years. But I also want to leave. I do not want to be constantly exposing myself to these stressors and risk compromising my health and its newfound improvements.

I have a therapy appointment tomorrow, and I'm also aware that a lot of these pressures are acute and may pass in the next few weeks. It could also be the Term Three blahs - It is our longest term without any breaks or public holidays. But I also have never thought about walking away before.

I might be shouting into the void, or just getting my ideas out of my head and into words. If anyone wants to comment on this wall of text, please do so.

[celiaelise]

Hiiii how's it going everybody?

I am...alive. tomorrow I have a shift at a job that I think is like 75% likely to fire me, and I think I might quit if they don't. I'm terrified because I hate change, awkward conversations, and, like, being put in situations. (though admittedly I did put myself in this one.)

Before that I have a therapy appointment, though, so.... we'll see if that's good for anything 🤷🏻‍♀️

I also might be having a friend move in with me kinda soon, because they've just been dealt an incredibly shit hand and I'm in a position to help. I want to help and I enjoy their company, but my apartment is a disaster zone, so I kind of need to do something about that.

I'm not sure when I last slept with my CPAP or brushed my teeth. I think it may have been over a week for both. Much longer than that for changing my sheets. I also haven't been eating well, or much at all, partly for lack of appetite.

Sorry, realizing this post probably sounds super depressing, but I felt like giving an update. I'm actually pretty sure I've been getting more depressed lately, but it's hard to say when that happened. It could just be the stress of juggling two jobs for the last month or so, but it could also be a slow but persistent decline since, like, the beginning of covid. I don't fucking know.

What I do know is that I am already on SO many meds to treat the exact sort of symptoms I've been noticing more of lately. Irritability, lack of appetite, lack of energy/motivation/curiosity... (I keep having the urge to make impulse purchases to make myself feel better, and then not even having the focus or energy to follow through on that.) Of course, there's also the fact that I've been doing a shit job taking care of myself, which only ever makes everything worse. So like realistically I know that what I need to do to make myself better is, like, sleep (correctly), eat, theoretically even exercise. *shudder* And who knows if that's gonna happen.

[floral-hex]

Just a bunch of text below because I feel like rambling, nothing too exciting

Where to start? Just gonna babble a bit

Met with the nice nurse yesterday morning to talk about meds. That sucked. Very offputting and distant. Lots of anxiety and worrying during the appointment and she just either stayed quiet or made me feel bad for not being able to make an appointment she referred me to (which I tried to explain I couldn’t make because I am fucking pooooor and it’s an hour away and life is ridiculous right now but nooooo I blew it so thanks lady). Ugh she’s usually so nice. Maybe I just caught her on a bad day. Anyway, upped my viibryd & now I’m on vistaril instead of buspar.

Therapy appointment yesterday afternoon, which also sucked. God, I just keep feeling like I’m letting people down. It’s like if I don’t come in with concrete improvement each week, I just feel like shit. Yes, I’ve been fucking lazy. I’ve been fucking depressed and stressed and worried about moving, I hate myself, I feel shitty, and then he just kinda makes me feel worse about myself. I know that wasn’t his intention, I know he’s just trying to push me because lord knows if I don’t get pushed I’ll just stay a lump forever, but still, it’s left me with a shit mood since leaving his office. Ugh… but I still dig the guy, even if I feel like I’m “failing” therapy.

I have to be out of this place by next Wednesday 😬 and I honestly haven’t even packed anything yet… which is doubly, triply, dozensly bad because turns out family is coming to help move boxes TOMORROW! Ugggghhhh so I’m going to spend the day packing.

Which leads into: still don’t reeaaally have a place to move into. There’s one of two options, so hopefully one of those comes through. The places look nice. I’m going to miss living here, but I think that’s mainly because I’ve been here so long, I’m comfortable here. I will be comfortable somewhere else. It’s just the transition period that’s rough. We’ll see.

This vistaril is making me a bit muddled. I know it’s basically mega-benadryl, but at least I feel something from it compared to buspar. Just finished my second cup of coffee.

I don’t have anything else important to say, I just wanted to put another bulletin point here.

Oh, this house is full of spiders. I don’t know where they all suddenly came from, but there have been tons of… I don’t know exactly what they’re called… those brown hunting spiders. Not the tiny ones, either. Usually I love spiders, they’re good little dudes, but they’ve just been popping up a lot lately. I was walking barefoot in the kitchen the other day and stepped on something chunky, only to lift my foot and have a big spider, still alive, drop to the floor. I love you guys, but you gotta not be near me, okay?

Okay last bullet point, I swear… uhhh… I love you.

I lied. One more. I’ve had two coffees and this vistaril is STILL beating my butt back and balls. I’m such a lightweight. I wannnnna fuckin uhhhhh smooch. yeah bro, smooch.

When I get… I’m not tired… but like, when I get… I can’t think of the words. Like tired but not tired. Drowsy but not. I could sleep, but I won’t. I get mushy. I feel mushy. I feel like a mushy peach. Sweet and squishy. I want to be mushed. squished. smushed. smooched. I love you, goobers.