#I am so close again... This is scary to me.
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... Is there even anyone around remembering my Natsume era?
We uh... Might have a comeback... Maybe... Erm... Anyway, all it took was one ten pull on CN. WHY WEREN'T YOU SO GENEROUS BEFORE!?
#Nimue's Whispers#Magical Temptation#I am so close again... This is scary to me.#Like I considered a few times maybe but eh... Now I realize why I barely listened to Switch songs despite loving them - Returning to Switch#Like I hear Natsume's voice and I just... Temptation. Blank. So I tried to avoid it. Memories missing the SwitchP Era (if that makes sense)#But now things settled and I am lucky with Natsume cards since... It's like... Guh... Hrnn... I told myself not to (and still am)#AND NOW I'M JUST “But those were fun times despite the misery”... Around half a year I think?#Do I return to SwitchP (focus Natsume)? HELP!#(Yes before being a KnightsP I was a SwitchP and before Ritsu there was Natsume)#(Congrats if you knew somehow or remember)#ensemble stars music#ensemble stars#enstars#natsume sakasaki#sakasaki natsume#enstars natsume#potential f/o#gacha pulls#mobile games
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Why I Am Not Coming In To Work Today [abridged], Jess Zimmerman
part one | part two
#me when everybody is posting the maple leafs sad narratives and i am furiously generating this like HOLD ONNNN HOLD ONNNNNNN#honestly i could've been SOOOO MEAN about this because i saw this poem & alexandra got the preview on the poetry blog#where i just reblogged the first half of this poem point blank with the tags#kyle dubas#toronto maple leafs#& got yelled at aksdaksf & it literally only didn't go on this blog bc i usually write more & then it was percolating & i looked up the poe#& it was only the FIRST PART i'd reblogged i didn't know there was more & then brain immediately went brrrrr ok time for an edit.#this is a long one lol & i also have no idea if it makes sense to anybody but me but because y'all know me i will always overexplain so!!#my reasoning for the reasons obvi kyle. that's a given i hope he's doing well i hope he & his family r good but man is not coming in to wor#the second edit took me a stupid amount of time bc i am nitpicky but also i learned how to do the layers & transparency from the claude edi#that actually y'all don't know about lmao but i lost my mind when i saw how perfectly those pictures align i was scrolling getty & was like#ok december i'm gonna do a headline one (in my brain with the november/june quote about choosing to die again) w/ maple leafs playoff odds#how they say at winter break you know who's gonna be in the playoffs & who'll win & they thought they had a shot but it's mitchie overlaid#the 2003-04 team who'd last won a playoff round with the atlantic division stats from dec for 22-23 & how long it's been & dec headlines#i wanted breakup/recent/never loved to be a recent trade acquisition somebody who bounced around & somebody else so i almost had simmer#brodie & zar but then i wanted to make murray for breakup at any time &i forgot zar & him were on the pens together &it hit me like a truc#bc there's a photo of the two of them EXACTLY the same so close it's scary of this one but them as pens so they had to be it & i did always#know never loved again was mitchie. sorry. also mitchie in the penalty box the last game but i couldn't find footage of it & this one works#no i could not find a photo of tyler bertuzzi fighting a leaf for a dog looked at me yes i tried.#i almost made the bunting photo jt but instead it's 'bunting a rat etc' anyway the one i really feel unhinged about is dead pets bc at firs#i was gonna make it the handshake line & look to see if the leafs had drafted anybody on the panthers (dead pet former draft pick)#& they had & it was carter verhaeghe & i couldn't get a good pic of matthews & verhaeghe but it's fine bc i thought about the mo/luke schen#narrative (in which they are a perfect d pair long lost) & schenn was drafted by the leafs & that line fits jut trust me. also how i feel#about the kniesy luminous line that one possessed me it had to be kniesy idk why. i almost put gussy as girls are too pretty though ALSO#did u like my joke. daylight SAVINGS time on the goalie. thank u. also my photo magic on the jt (me very poorly editing in him as an isle)#OK ALSO HOLD ONNNNN there is a part two but i have to wait for the Content i want it will come out as soon as [redacted] or sooner#if i get bad at waiting &everyone will pretend like it is always the way it will be once i have the photos i want. speaking of did the leaf#simply not take a team photo this year?? it Does Not Exist for me i have tried very hard to look for it also i'm excited for part 2#one of them is named oh you're so unhinged for this one & the finished product is you're unhinged in ways you didn't even know u were sorry#liv in the replies
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PHOBIA OF SEAWEED IS AN ACTUAL THING?????????????????? you see i am not afraid of the open waters nor am i scared of the things that live there,, like i regularly spend time watching deep sea videos i think they're so cool but oh my fucking god the idea of KELP IS MAKING ME LIKE ACTUALLY TWITCH EEEEEEEEUUUUUUUGHHH okok actually looking at it is kind of fine but the thought of it touching my feet is genuinely making me wanna throw up😭😭😭😭😭
#this is such a stupid thing bc sometimes it's fine#i live by the ocean i am a fish i have seen seaweed i have touched seaweed but it's different when you grab it on purpose compared to it#just randomly touching you#DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE#OMFG I'M GONNA SPIRAL#like once i thought i was gonna drown#mickey lore time#we were paddleboarding with my family and then me and my brother got off it and we started swimming to the shore and like we're both very#good swimmers so this was nothing insane aaand there were no waves or anything and my parents were still close by#but then at one point i was like oh i wonder how deep this actually is and i went under and i tried to touch the ground and sEAAWEEEDDDDD#EEEEEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I FEEL SICK JUST THINKING ABT ITTT#and it freaked me out so fucking bad and then i suddenly felt so tired and i just wanted to get out but i was still far away and i couldn't#stop thinking abt how it's gonna touch my feet again lmao#and i was very very very close to a panic attack in the water😭😭#oops#anyway i survived and i never told anybody i thought i was gonna drown bc i am not a pussy like that whewwwww#also. when i played subnautica (i only played for a few hours) i was more afraid of the fuckass kelp forest than anything else😭😭😭#i started thinking abt this bc i saw a video of a man in this dark scary cave (????) and like it was fine i was super intrigued until he pu#his fucking foot on the rock and you can just see the layer of seaweed i almost jumped out of my bed FUUCKKK THATTT
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A bit strange feeling of living in Lithuania while looking like... Lithuania
#fun fact my voice is also close to ht Lithuania UNLESS I am very pissed off#then my voice drastically becomes super low#and when I'm singing too#and in everyday life I have this 🌸✨️🌸✨️🌸✨️ aura around me while 99% of time I am thinking about killing stupid and cruel people#and i have giant eyebags and super slim figure because of the fucked up mental health due to ruzzian invasion...#thinking about my family's village which is famous for having “vikings heritage”#my great grandfather wanted to excavate a local landmark: a stone grave with an ancient cross.#he and his friends found a giant warrior there#with a huge sword#they got so scared that they just covered it all up and ran away#I WANT TO EXCAVATE IT AGAIN SO MUCHHHH#i am 99% sure that warrior was Baltic like come on what would Nordic vikings do in the swamps of Northern Ukraine#my village is honestly such a strange place... it's pagan#it has some Baltic and Asian heritage since like Golden Horde times#swamps and forests are such a well preserving place whatever the hell was going on there thousands of years ago still lives now#it's the jungles with scary people#it has some nasty history of incest too... and Christian sect...#it's a godforsaken place with NOTHING there except for the ancient graveyard and a couple of houses but FOR SOME REASON random people still#go to live there. and they die there. like why#u stoopid go get a job
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gaaah
#hung out w my dear friend today and she made bolognaise for us and we watched a movie#and we are so close now we cuddle a lot and almost held hands on the couch today helppp#i am so confused it's like kind of good that it's not clearly romantic or platonic bcs idk what i want either just that i like her a lot#it's so good but also bringing all my internalized homophobia and intimacy and shame issues to the surface again agrgarg#i have to be very gentle and patient with myself!#i am not a good emotional communicator a lot of things make me embarrassed and tense up and mentally disengage from the situation#and I've realized it's like almost impossible for me to ask for any kind of affection. but i think i am learning a little bit maybe#just feels very vulnerable and scary :-( it feels like everyone else already overcame their issues w this and I'm so late it's embarrassing#anyway sorry extremely personal i am too embarrassed to write in a journal just to myself and this is somehow better
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mm i Neeed to go the beach
#just me hi#wauhuhh !#something about just drifting around in water that i am slightly scared of that really makes my brain whir happily lol :>#i am slightly scared of it for two major reasons: 1) fish. lord the fish why are they so scary 2) sometimes i think i'll drown and they jus#won't find the body. which is less rational than the fish so that's why fish is my number 1 fear at all times lmao#/i think out of all the animals on the planet i am the most scared of ordinary fish. not even the deep sea stuff hfbshv#cuz look they're so far down there you Have to assume they look funked. and also they prolly don't like human meat. so it's cool#but regular fish?? some of them eat birds. they eat birds dude. what would they do to me if they knew how to use harpoons??#also they for SURE eat corpses so we loop back to fear no. 2 really just being fear no. 1 hbfhs#/see i'm not even that scared of the animals my parents are determined on exploding. like man if i get eaten that was prolly bound#to happen anyway. i Know how that goes. i know what mauling is lol#i am the only person in this house who will walk around outside on a moonless light w/ no flashlight because if i was sposed to be dead i#can guaranteE there are much better opportunities. funnier ones‚ too#/just looked it up bobcats are SHY little guys. they are just shy babies. except for when they have rabies :)#shy rabies babies <3#/anyway back to the fish. i don't like how there are some that specifically like to eat human skin. mmm no i have never liked that ever not#one little bit. makes my skin crawl hghfsh#i don't care what it does or can do that is NOT cool lil dude ;w;#/hang on i'm googling 'weirdest things fish eat' because i want to scare myself i guess hbfhvbsf :'3#they're only showing me weird fish!!! no !! tell me about a fish that's living exclusively off of plastics!! or car tires !! come on !!!#these guys are just funky looking. and just Kinda funky looking. though this humphead guy is funny lol :)#he looks scary but with a charm that i can't deny#his forehead. and mouf. this guy is awesome#and of course he's endangered because the world is exploding. but it's so cool he exists :D#//anyway fish are scary. and miss humphead is Huge so goofiness aside he's also scary hhfbvs#also why do some of those motherfunkers swim close to shore and bite at you. those guys suck so bad#that's only happened to me so many times but enough for me to have a fear that has lasted for over half a decade lmao#//and anywho i'm running out of tag space lol :)#we're going ot the park!! i'm going to skate :DD !!#i wanna get good at my old stuff again hfsh - so bye! bye !! toodles !!!
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update on date guy so i was supposed to go to his place sunday for lotr + wine but i fully cancelled on him 😭 i have no excuse it was my first day to myself after exams and i just wanted to be lazy like my social battery was OBLITERATED i had to put me first okay. and he was kinda mardy about it which is SO funny to me but anyway we rescheduled and im now seeing him in two hours and im being so brave about it
#im not as nervous today as i was like im kinda excited for it i think there's potential#and worst case scenario is i watch lotr in silence with free wine and free food like okay i can live with that#but omg i can feel the urge to Freak Out and i feel like im batting it away with a twig#ill be like 'i wonder how tonight will go :) *feels something creeping up behind me*'#like NO we're being POSITIVE we're trying NEW THINGS#bc that is really the crux of the issue like meeting him in a coffee shop was fine for me#so ironically i was less stressed for our FIRST date than i am the second which is so dumb#but just being at his house and the fact im actually dipping my toe into these things#is rlly scary for me personally just bc my experiences in this field are either surface level#or just absolute horror shows#like ik all my mates are kinda just like 'it's a date get over it' but it's NOT there's LAYERS there's IMPLICATIONS#im in a fistfight with three of my younger selves who are all simultaneously yelling 'NO!' give me a fucking MINUTE#but yeah i will tell you how it goes lotr is LONG too so im nervous of that but at least watching a film we dont have to make constant conv#*conversation#even tho tbh our first date we stayed until close at that coffee shop which meant we were talking for like 2.5 hours#which is almost lotr runtime#FUCK#this is going to be good this is going to be so good i am openminded and confident i CANNOT CANCEL AGAIN#hella goes to uni
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I go through these short periods of time feeling very okay and good even only bc i distract myself from what pains me until it catches up again and the cycle repeats itself
#i think it's verrrrrrrrry close to catching up again after i've had normal 2 weeks lol#so many ifs and buts and would things be better had i made a different decision lived in a different place or time etc#but i'll never now i'll always only have the here and now and the unchangeable past#and the very incertain scary future i'm trying so so so hard to be hopeful about but seeing things as they are right now. i really dont kno#i can only fake it to some point. i cant fake it till i make it. i'll fall apart countless times and then wont make it anyway#i feel like. i feel like all the circumstances i've been in have all always been against me#like i'm the only unlucky one among the people i know#i try so so so hard to remind myself that people who seem to have it so much better have their own problems too#but then also i remember something i wrote down once as a teen. the phrase you typically hear#''i have been battling (?) with this problem but am lucky enough to have a support system / loving friends etc''#and idk how right i am with thinking this way but no matter what problems you have.#it's the toughest thing to lack deep connections with at least 1 person ideally like 3 i guess bc it's such a fundamental thing#you know having someone you can ALWAYS turn to without feeling bad and you know that they can and do turn to you too#and i do have a few wonderful friends i love so so much but i feel and know that no one needs me like i need them#every friendships feels so fragile to me. no one depends on me turns to me for advice or to vent etc#and when i feel like i need to do any of those things i cant turn to any of them#there's still inevitably a sort of disconnect i feel#and it terrifies me that i'll never find someone i connect with on a deeper level and it's mutual and we both can depend on each other#and there are no boundaries no shame no unspoken words#i dont know how true any of my feelings are but. but yeah#nesi rants
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#trying to not get attached to someone who shows just a tiny bit of attention and interest is hard bro#i hate that i get attached so easily but it's also kinds freeing knowing that i am close to letting go of... ✨him✨#he ruined me for so long and i couldn't let anyone in because of him but now?#i am actually feeling happy again about someone#it's both scary and amazing at the same time i just don't wanna get burnt again.. that's all i ask
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anybody else get really incredibly stuffy the day after a covid booster? i got the covalent booster yesterday & my arm didnt even hurt until it was nearly bedtime, and i woke up sore and headache this morning AND horrifically stuffy
#i know the soreness and headache are likely the vaccine#but what about the stuffiness? i havent been this stuffed up in a really long time & frankly. it's scary for me#because i was SO stuffed up when i was sick in february and then again in april . so not feeling like this since then#has me convinced i am Sick For Real#idk it could be the constant weather/pressure fluctuations or mold or dust or allergies idk idk idk#but i really desperately do Not want to be Sick . im this close to panic mode already if i get so much as a cold i will lose my Mind
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finally recovering from my bad memories of playing yume nikki and being able to enjoy it and appreciate it again w my friends :’‘‘‘)
#beep beep ritchie#for the longest time i carried these bad associations with it bc it was a huuuge component of my life when i was a horribly depressed -#preteen. and like i would be invested in the popular fan interpretations of certain elements and i felt so so close to madotsuki bc of that#like i felt like her. which kinda made me pour in my own personal sadness in with the heavy/scary themes of the game and mix it all up#and make a giant awful soup#and eventually i kinda grew out of it and just stopped playing it at some point and i even remember like a year ago i listened to some of#the music from the soundtrack and i felt that sadness return so intensely. so i was afraid of playing it#but i am.....recovering. and im really happy cuz despite all of that it's one of my favorite games ever#it's so incredibly unique and distinct and like no other. it's so beatiful#im so happy i can play it again
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last night i experienced the horrors again (devil voice telling me something and there was a hell vortex that i was convinced that it was how the dead ladies are getting through to our world)....such is life i suppose
#the wretched gremlin strikes again#not experiencing the horrors rn though#it was just like for a weird moment last night when i was lying awake in my bed#heard a scary voice say go in from like right behind me right in my ear#and then i looked and there was a fucked up hell vortex#and i experienced this kind of like intense fear and almost messaged gavin to tell him the devil was trying to get me to go into hell#and that i knew how the dead ladies were getting into the world#but i didn't want to wake him up cause it was like 2-3 am#so i just grabbed mikey and my snom and my turtwig and closed my eyes until it stopped#and then i eventually calmed down enough to fall asleep#i think it was like from anxiety and too much coffee because all last night i was anxious about something weird going on with my body#that isn't happening today#and also stuff with my family that's been going on for a while now that i won't get into
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I’m sorry but some days you come home and you just have to smoke weed and play Skyrim.
#i had to close today :/#closing is so much worse than opening#and my coworker talked about ai art for 20 mins :( I was mopping for my life :/#and our manager was like you’re always so serious you’re so quiet#and I’m like ahhhhhhhh#i don’t want to be here and I’m shy!!!!!#and literally I feel like I am constantly fucking everything up i am so stressed out. at that place#and again I cannot stress this enough. im shy#ugh it just got too close to the whole you’re scary/intimidating thing that makes me so upset#bc it’s just so unfair it is like so clear I am not a scary person#like it’s absolutely some weird combination of neurodivergent + visibly queer that makes people nervous and then they project that onto me!!#but I don’t WANT to be scary that’s like one of the last things I want to be frankly#anyway I know this is mostly me like just being a little Triggered Accidentally but also.#god I wish I could socialize normally#anyway yeah today was a lot and like#I’m kinda proud that the day can be a lot but instead of having a meltdown I’m just like ok. weed ice cream and fight dragons#not like the most grown up coping mechanism but could be worse
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i think I just need to stop clinging to and getting so attached to people
#whimsy whispers#because then things fall apart and so do I#it’s also just like suffocating and annoying of me to do to people I’ve realized#like I just tend to get too attached to people and when things get bad and I can’t fix them I don’t know what to do or how to cope#especially when it feels like no one else is being affected the same way I am so it feels like it’s just a me problem#anyways guess who finally talked to their irl about how they’d been feeling for the past few months#I don’t expect for things to improve based on just doing this and idk if things will be like they use to be but this is the only friendship#that I feel like I can like idk salvage at this point#I don’t think they’ll go back to being the most important person in the world to me or my very best friend but maybe that’s for the best#it just hurts not having someone like that in my life anymore because I did genuinely love them so much but like idk I already knew they’d#never love me as much as i did like they have actual loved ones who it makes more sense to cherish more which is like obvs fine I just like#idk i feel like I generally stopped being important in general to them and that’s what hurt most#as for the other friendships I’m uncertain about there’s nothing I can do there#I talk to like very few people now and have been trying to like allow new people to try and get close to me as scary as that is#I am afraid I’ll just fuck up those relationships too tbh because everything is a cycle with me#idk I just feel stupid and helpless and like there’s nothing I can do and maybe i just need to accept that there isn’t anything I can do to#fix my mistakes like I can’t undo anything and I can’t fix them and like I just hope I’ll accept that eventually#and again I need to just learn to stop getting so attached to people it’s just abdjfktk hard for me not to but each time I hurt others or#others hurt me it makes it harder for me to want to let anyone else get closer and eventually I’m going to be all alone if this keeps up#anyways tnats tofays vent/fun little realization that I need to force myself to accept
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Omg did you play subnautica did you like it theres FISH
omg. Awhile ago i purchased subnautica and subnautica: below zero for the Nintendo switch, its pretty fun but ive Only played the first one on creative, and ive played the second one on some creative, and then some on survival light mode or whatever it is that forces you to craft things and breathe air but doesnt make u eat food. and i did that only to follow the story lol
#ask#asks#storm of feathers#storm-of-feathers#subnautica#unfortunately apparently withthe switch version if you uh dont save and exit and close the game every so often it WILL unavoidably crash#for some reason#shrug emoji#i am still struggling with the first person pov but im putting up with it for the fish#its been Awhile since i played it tbh i shojld play it again#but also splatoon3 came out and that owns my ass for at least a solid couple more months#maybe its cos i only played the first one on creatuve but i dont find it that...scary? everyone talks about it as Scary but#its just some guys in the waters its fine its fine#some big ol friends. some of which are more approachable than others#i like the seamoth better than the small vehicle in below zero but the ability to just add a shit ton of modules and make a funky lil train#down there in the ocean has its benefits i suppose#me driving the cyclops: damn this thing drives like a fucking BOAT me: Wait
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I'm going to struggle to sleep and get up tomorrow
Curse it all
#miranda talking shit#At one hand i liked the conversation i had with fabian and i think i got some answers to questions ive been wondering about but im also lik#Unpacking all this.... So much to unpacking and to be put in a folder in my head where does it all go... Still hate how#He hit me with the biggest ... Maybe in the universe and i can't deal with it. No I'd be relieved and accept an no fullstop but he had to#Add in the.... Idk actually lol i dont have a reference and i would like to know how it is crossing boundaries in our relationship#Whag the fuck man.... You really gave me the strongest 'i think youre into me and it worries me' and then nullify it with an 'idk how i#Feel sometimes id like to explore more' how am i supposed to... Handle that information... I had been going around telling myself#What he said to me 2019 is the way he still feels and me thinking he might think more is just me being paranoid but then yeah#What a clusterfuck. I mean to me it wont change anything in the broader picture no matter what i care for him ya know? But now thats... An#Whole other thing like. Should i try to act differently? Be more careful? Or would that be unfair bc then id do what he've been doing to me#I will quote him again 'miranda i think if both of us got an gf/bf at the same time this would solve itself' i joked and said he could find#Me one and I'll find one for him. But yeah i think that would ... Be a solution in an ideal world. Idk how to do anything man#At one hand i think he's overestimating how much he's on my mind but also its true. I spend a lot of my social time with him so obviously#I think about him? But i also have a reference on how i am... With people i have crushes on and who im in love with and how o think of thoe#Its just so scary to think about how i am his reference ... To... Well basically a ton of things... Im not a good reference unless you want#An abnormal reference. I guess im anxious I'll somehow ... Ruin him or something. This was a big conformation that i am his reference to#Women and close relationships with women and i am not made for that... Most feminine tjing about me is being sappy and giving compliments#And encouragement. Otherwise im basically like ... A dude. Guess it also scares me that he knows me. I know i know him but the fact its#Mutual is aw man... Being known is still a struggle. He wasmt completely wrong is his logic bc he knows me i think too much about people#And things. I understand im so anxious bc i care about him and im worried about losing him or pushinh him away but shit#Hes sleeping rn and is at peace with this probably. He doesn't dwell on it. He even said hes been thinking about this... Bc he began to#Think about what i could be thinking? So its not even his own thoughts but thoughts about whaf i could be thinking? ?? Whack and im likebro#Flattering that you go to that length but also... Literally what??? Cant tell if hes somehow projecting or if this is genuinely how he was#Thinking but damn. Boy does have some confidence at least? He's such an fool. I love him but holy shit he blows me away sometimes
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