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absolutebl · 8 months ago

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This Week in BL - The Heat is Rising

Sorry this late, blah blah real life actual job blah blah.

Organized, in each category, with ones I'm enjoying most at the top.

June 2024 Week 3

Ongoing Series - Thai

Wandee Goodday (Sat YT) ep 8 of 12 - Why is it so good?! It’s unfair. Cause I know pain must be incoming. Also... Yak moved to the "rao" pronoun for his confession! SO ADORABLE!!!!! Can you see me kicking my feet and squealing with joy on this side of the screen? Well I am.

Sunset X Vibes (Sat iQIYI) ep 2 of 12 - I think I'm finding this show a lot funnier than the show is trying to be. The pose in the doorway. The sparkle pants. The creaking of the leather. It’s all hilarious. The foot massage. So silly. Simultaniously, full of thirst. Yay! I like thirst. Not entirely sure why he’s dicking him around and not dicking him out but hey the tension is fun. Also the shot staging is very good. Very yaoi. Lin going to have so much power in this relationship once he starts trying on seduction for size. All just to say, it’s good and I’m enjoying it.

My Stand-In (Fri iQIYI) ep 9 of 12 - you know I'm enjoying it a lot, so a surprise to see a Star Hunter beat it out? It's just MosBank are SERVING classic BL and I am a sucker for that kinda smut. Back to Stand-In...

It’s sad and a little complicated and interesting. And I’m still enjoying it very much. But this episode was mostly a rehash of information we already had been given, it was slow. Although since the acting is so good in this particular show, I didn’t mind it as much as I might have in a pulp piece, for example.

My Love Mix-Up Th (Fri YT) ep 3 of 12 - I’m very much enjoying this. Not quite as much as I initially enjoyed the JBL version. But I’m liking a lot. There’s something particularly high school teen YA angst about this IP. Even more so than something like Make it Right or Love Sick. It’s just the cringe reactions and the constant embarrassments and the roller coaster of emotions that each character goes through in every scene. I forgot how exhausting it is to be a teen.

We Are Cute (Weds iQIYI) ep 12 of 16 - We Are Cute continues to be very cute indeed. Honestly Phum doesn’t need to flirt with Peem, Peem is already in love. The learning about each other is fun, but the fact that Phum still constantly communicates via kissing is great. I love that we have a couple whose love language is smooches. TanFang endgame is my favorite, I fucking LOVE them. But... NO SINGING. Worst fake band ever? Place docked in BL standing this week for that alone.

Love Sea (Sun iQIYI) ep 2 of 10 - It's fine I guess? Trash watch here.

Knock Knock Boys (Thurs Gaga) ep 5 of 12 - It’s ridiculous and they're very cute and I kind of don’t know what’s going on. But the young one getting his first dildo and skipping with excitement was utterly adorable. And it is the first rep we’ve got for such a thing in this genre. So good on you little pulp!

Only Boo! (Sun YT) ep 11 of 12 - Everything felt a little rushed and oddly paced in this episode. Not entirely sure why K came back to him. Anyway, I hope it’s all explained in the finale.

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

At 25:00 in Akasaka AKA 25 Ji Akasaka de (Japan Thurs Gaga) ep 10fin - I’ve made no secret about the fact that I haven’t been wild about this show.

Here’s a few things I enjoyed about the final episode: Uke initiated the sex scene!! Lots of tenderness. Long takes plus the absence of (and then very gentle introduction of) music. Unexpectedly high heat. Condom rep! The gayest bedroom layout ever. What I didn’t like: The absolute pinnacle of frustration for P'ABL on the other side of the screen wanting to grab the leads and shake them until their teeth rattled and scream "FOR THE LOVE, just TALK to each other!" Oh but they are so cute and SO POLITE when the finally do reconcile!

In conclusion:

A BL about the making of a BL where the famous one has a crush on the obscure one. It’s already been done. Recently. By Japan. I would be tempted to say "better" but I didn’t like the first version either. At least this was less stalkery? Look, this show was fine. Just, in a word: cool, unengaging, and frustrating. OK that was 3 words. But they’re apt. A lackluster offering with a great ending. How to rate that? I despaired but ended up on 7/10 - do better Japan, I know you can.

Blue Boys (Korea YouTube) - it got its part 2, thank the BL gods, rounding this one into an 8 ep series. Still short (those eps barely scrape 10 min at most) but a solid little offering.

Charming reunion romance full of class + coming out struggles and great chemistry all of which was let down by a curtailed length. Had it just been given some legs, it could have grown wings and taken flight, but in the end it is simply too short. Still enjoyable and certainly worth your time. Cause ya don't need much of it. 8/10 RECOMMENDED

It's airing but...

The Last Time (Thai Fri YT?) - Convoluted story of loss and possible reincarnation or something. Can't find it.

OMG Vampire (Thai Sun ???) 10 eps - I've put the search on hold for a bit and y'all can let me know if it's worth tracking down.

In case you missed it

I mean you were under a rock on Tues Jan 18th Thailand's senate passed the Marriage Equality Bill. As of typing this, the King still has to sign it into law, but he's unlikely to veto. So it's a matter of time before everything is official. Thailand follows Nepal (2024) and Taiwan (2019). Both of those were judicial, Thailand's is legislative.

Let's Eat Together Aki and Haru 2 AKA Aki wa Haru to Gohan wo Tabetai 2 Haime! (Japan movie) - Continued the (frankly) lackadaisical story from part 1 and was meant to drop yesterday. We thought maybe Gaga, but nothing so far.

The Time of Fever AKA Unintentional Love Story 2 (Korea movie) trailer released to Korean theaters 5/25. HoTae & DongHee, side couple from Unintentional Love Story are back! Same actors, same character names. I love them. Devastated this hasn't had international distribution.

Next Week Looks Like This:

Upcoming BLs for 2024 are listed here. This list is not kept updated, so please leave a comment if you know something new or RP with additions.

Last of the June Releases

6/26 The Rebound (Thai Weds Gaga) - MeenPing are back in their 3rd BL together, a basketball based romance (Meen was a national basketball player, so yay for that). I like this pair better than most (I still do miss Meen with Est but Est has a fantastic looking new BL coming from GMMTV so yeah...) Anyway I'm up for a sports romance starring a man who, yah know, actually played that sport so... I'm game (pun intended).

6/26 I Hear the Sunspot AKA Hidamari ga Kikoeru (Japan Weds Gaga) 10 eps - A new series adaptation of beloved yaoi I Hear the Sunspot (first adaptation was feature film Silhouette of Your Voice 2017).

6/30 The Trainee (Thailand Sun YouTube) 12 eps- office romance between a boss/employee featuring OffGun. Taking over Boo's spot for GMMTV.

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

Lip touch! So sexy. So rare from Korea. Blue Boys.

I do love a meta call out moment.

Tiny idiots (affectionate)

Love their kisses. Such a great side couple.

All Wandee.

(Last week)

QUICK NOTE: I'm flying international back next weekend and the damn thing is gonna take like 72 hours or whatever insanity. Needless to say, I may not get to this round-up for ages. So don't panic, I'm not dead just sleeping.

Streaming services are listed by how I (usually) watch, which is with a USA based IP, and often offset by a day because time zones are a pain.

The tag BLigade: @doorajar @solitaryandwandering @my-rose-tinted-glasses @babymbbatinygirl @babymbbatinygirl @isisanna-blog @mmastertheone @pickletrip @aliceisathome @urikawa-miyuki @tokillamonger @sunflower-positiiivity @rocketturtle4 @blglplus @anythinggoesintheshire @everlightly @renafire @mestizashinrin @bl-bam-beyond @small-dark-and-delicious @saezurumurmurs

Sigh, Tumblr in it's infinite wisdom doesn't like too many tags.

There's these tricks, remember.

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rifualk · 10 months ago

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On Mental Health and Cosmic Embarrassment

I don't usually make a post in the aftermath of one of my spirals, so I bet most people see some of the vent posts I make, and assume I am just off my meds or something. I am on them but I might not be on the right ones. This is a thing that happens to me sometimes. I have psychotic episodes, where it feels like the things I am saying are completely inconsequential and I genuinely believe no one cares what I'm saying or, worst of all, that it cannot scare anyone that cares about me. I get too tired to fight my intrusive thoughts and I just ride them out. Most of my thoughts are not ones I enjoy having. I have trouble parsing what is real sometimes. For most of my life, out of a kind of primal shame and terror of being perceived or judged, I beat myself into believing that I just roleplayed as a crazy person online because I wanted attention for it, but it finally clicked for me at some point in my 20s that I was, and am, genuinely very mentally ill, maybe in ways that make me not-entirely-functional in the culture I inhabit. Also, I want attention for it.

Life is very embarrassing. I think embarrassment, shame, et al. is probably the most cosmic feeling of them all, because being embarrassed, for me anyway, leads invariably to my OCD extrapolating the embarrassment, no matter how slight, into its natural extreme, becoming a full-blown existential meltdown and often manifesting in some self-punishment. Or a lot of self-punishment. Instead of saying "everyone wants attention, it's not a big deal", my brain will overwhelm me with shame and make me vow to be quieter about the whole thing next time. Good emotions are meant to be expressed, I tell myself, and Bad ones are not. I think it's very unhealthy for people to not express their negative emotions openly. Or maybe I'm psychotic. I mean, I am psychotic. But maybe right now, too.

Ultimately this feeling peaks with the realization - again - that I'm a eukaryote. I live on a spinning ball of stardust in the aftermath of what had to have been a colossal disaster and waste of time. But it happened, and so now there's a bunch of stuff floating around, and some of that stuff started moving for reasons I don't personally understand and the implications of which scare me. And the moving stuff that moved faster got to stay moving longer. And so a chain reaction escalated, and eventually there were very large moving things whose survival adaptations had evolved in such a way that they could conceptualize and communicate complex information about the world around them, but they were also able to conceptualize themselves. This gave them a lot of grief. They wanted very badly for there to be an answer to why they were able to do that. Surely it served some purpose. But we never found one, and here we are.

I don't have a god to turn to. I have tried - earnestly, sincerely, and desperately - to reach out; I never hear back. I don't want to be an atheist, it's heartbreaking. Honestly. I want someone to be up there, or out there. Knowing there isn't, is just... cruel. It's horrifying and it wrenches my heart. Look at us, look how much we're suffering, where the fuck did you go, what the fuck is your problem? Help us!

In spite of everything, I am still not sure what I believe.

Don't you ever just cry about the world? Like, broadly? Don't you ever just have to take off your glasses and wipe the brine from them because you caught a glimpse of what people, as a species, could be capable of? And I get angry at myself, too. What am I doing about it? What even can I do? I can barely hold down a job. I am barely an adult. I am often mired in this feeling. It permeates everything. I'm living in a tragedy - not just my own, but millions and millions of others'. This is a nightmare. It's a nightmare and I'm an embarrassment, and my brain doesn't work right, and I'm living in a terrible reality that is shared by everyone, and yet somehow equally isolating and alienating to all of us. Does it have to be that way? Aren't we all lonely?

When I am spiraling I really do think that the end is near, either for me, or for everyone, or for both. To be fair, my confidence about humanity's future is not promising even when I am at my most sane. But in this kind of emotional place, the stakes are too high for me to care that what I say might come off as upsetting. It is completely overwhelming. I see my life up to this point, and I see how long I've been alive and realize I'm very Not Normal and I look and sound different than everyone around me and I'm an embarrassment. It's embarrassing to exist. It's embarrassing to be transgender, too. It's really, really embarrassing to be mentally ill and fully aware of it all the time. It's shameful. I am ashamed of how my family likely sees me. How my peers see me. I'm just a walking disaster. I feel like this bars me from leading a happy life or finding some success in art - It doesn't seem like you're allowed to be quite this much of a problem and "get away with it", does it? There's a bit of social sanitizing at work there - you are only allowed to be a certain level of messed up and if you pass that you're sort of a pariah. I don't think I've ever done anything pariah-worthy, but I can only see things from the inside of my own head, and there's a lot of unwanted noise in here.

I painted this when I lived in Oregon. I don't know how. I could not do art like this again if asked.

I'm not in a good place, generally-speaking. It could be worse - and it was for a long time- but it's still just not great. The main reason is that I am very homesick. I grew attached to the Pacific Northwest in a way I've never really grown attached to any other place. It had a quality that exists nowhere else. It resonated with me immediately and I knew right away from the moment I first set foot there that it was my home. I grew to be a part of it, and it's the only place I felt I somewhat-belonged... I have been away from Oregon for 2 whole years as of next month. I feel like I'm a fish out of water, or a sapling in the wrong soil. I can't and won't say that the place I live currently is a bad place, but it isn't my place, and the disconnect has been maybe the nastiest shock to my system in all my life. Finding the place I loved, and living for over 12 years there, only to be wrenched away from it so suddenly, left a shock on me that I think has yet to surface in my work. I'm excited to see what form it takes when it does. Location is very important to my mental wellbeing, more than I think it is for most people. Maybe I am a plant. It's also very important for my art. I've struggled to find inspiration since I moved here. That said, I've had the very precious opportunity to just work on myself - on my transition, as well as my personal issues. I think I'm getting better, gradually, in some way. I have a job now, at least. So it's not entirely bad. I even grew sunflowers last summer.

Around this time I got banned from twitter, but I don't feel any shame about the reason why because I believe in my message. But it forced me to be a lot less active online for a long time. It also made me lose a lot of support. That's been something I've grappled with a lot these last 2 years - that people really don't like people like me, for reasons that are mostly not our fault. I will likely always be something of an outsider for being who I am now, but I was one before anyway. It's still worth it. I like the person I'm becoming. I feel like only recently did I allow myself to feel this self-love. I was too embarrassed of myself. It took a lot of patience and a lot of de-tangling my self-worth from a lot of trauma. So it's likely I would have needed to go through all of this regardless of where I was.

I still slip up. It's an uphill climb and it's slippery. I like to be transparent about these things. It's a relief - feeling like I need to hide things is my default state and it's lovely to just let go of stuff so I don't need to keep it in my head all the time. I have a lot of hangups still. I get discouraged about my art still - I fear I'll never build myself back up to where I was before, and that there will never be a time when I can really pay the bills with it. Or worse-still, that it just isn't special enough to last. That it isn't remarkable enough to survive after I'm gone. But I think a lot of people who make stuff feel that way, and it's not our fault. There's some relief in that. I'm happy to have even a few people that care about me and my work, and something I've been trying really hard to remember in recent years is to take time to appreciate them. I'm not actually alone. I have a lot of people that love me. I'm not an outsider. I'm very lucky to know the people I do, and I hold a deep regret for all the connections I've let go of because I was just too sick. Deep down I really do wish I could love everyone. I have no ill will towards anyone, not really.

I still don't know what I'm doing. I am just doing my best, I think. I'm really, really tired. I don't want to get any older. I'm scared of the passage of time. My memory is so bad, it feels like time is taken from me without me realizing. I am 33 years old. I do not have 33 years worth of memories. There are huge leaps. Gaps where suddenly I was just older and in more pain. Being adrift in time like this is horrific - one day I will blink, and the present moment may be completely forgotten. It can't go this fast. It just can't. Something has to be wrong. I don't want to die, I don't want to miss out on so much life or be unable to remember it. I don't want to find myself on my deathbed someday way sooner than I think and be unable to string together any kind of coherent thread from my memories. What is it all for? It has to mean something right? Why am I doing anything?

I think I finally understand that love is why. I don't know much more than that. Love is real, and it's the answer. If you find love, don't take it for granted, ever. No love is perfect. Take it with all its flaws. You don't have time to bargain with it. Love like you'll never love again, love like it's your last day alive, love like it will keep you alive forever, because it will. Every year closer to death you get, you will feel the regret of all the times you did not follow your heart. Life is short. I'm finding this out entirely too late. It goes by so fast, and what you have at the end are people and memories of being loved. To be loved is to live forever. It's the thing that connects us to everything else. It's the source and the answer to everything. It makes more sense the older I get. It used to sound cheesy, but I believe it with more sincerity every day.

youtube

I'll be okay, okay

I once promised someone that I would stop self-harming. They are no longer in my life, but I kept the promise anyway. There are no new scars on my arms, or bruises on my head or face. I'm keeping this promise for myself, now.

#mental health posting #is there a better tag for that #edited 20240506 #Youtube

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worriedvision · 2 years ago

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arguing with alhaitham and reader goes to leave, goes missing for a bit, and comes back with no memory at all ! (make it hurt tysm)

Oh wow I'm doing another Alhaitham ask lol! Gender neutral reader, angst with no happy ending in the end. Basically really bad communication lands up having consequences. As much as I would like to do a part 2 of this, I feel like this is better just as itself. If anyone else feels like doing a part 2 of this, however, feel free to do so!

Another argument, another insult session between the both of you. Your insults were never hitting deep with Alhaitham, you didn't use his weaknesses against him.

However, Alhaitham was particularly mean this time. He insulted the fact you never got a vision, he insulted the fact you got too emotional at times, and he implied that he could aim a lot higher than you. You begin to cry, and Alhaitham lands the final blow before you run out crying.

"You are an embarrassment. Even Kaveh is more logical than you." Alhaitham shrugs, you running out and slamming the door behind you.

Deciding you needed some time to process those words, and to slowly get over the statement so you could both have a logical conversation that wasn't laced with insults. When you caught wind of a commission regarding a domain in Liyue, right before you enter Sumeru, you take it. You knew the traveler had so much on their plate, and recently they were enjoying the Mondstadt Festival, and you figured it was the least you could do for all they have done to help so many people.

The domain was very strange. Every turn you made, you heard a male voice telling you to leave while you still could. At the time, you believed this person was in a dangerous situation based on how they were out of breath when screaming out for you to leave. Pushing forward, you eventually come across a short man, clearly almost passed out completely.

"Why are you here, mortal?" He gruffs out. "My karmic debt has caught up to me, it will kill you." He chokes out, spluttering as he looks around. As he goes to grab his weapon, however, you take it instead.

The fight was difficult, but eventually the onslaught of enemies stopped completely. An opening in the domain seemed to be almost ready, but it was clear you needed to investigate another part of the domain. Ignoring Xiao's warnings, you rush in.

'Mortal, you must sacrifice something near and dear to you.'

"Huh?" You ask, looking around to see nothing but void surrounding you. "Who said that?"

'Oh, you poor thing. I can tell you are so...deeply hurt by your lovers harsh, harsh words.' The disembodied voice coos, you hearing a very muffled voice calling out for you. 'Let me take away the suffering.'

"What are you talking about?" You tilt your head, failing to comprehend how you forgetting someone special to you would help this individual.

'Dear, I am here to comfort you'. The voice explains. 'I can help you. I feed off of your negative energy, and this hurt from an argument is perfect.'

"Why did you say I have to sacrifice something near and dear to me?" You ask, hearing Xiao screaming for you to stop responding and wait for him.

'Just hurry up and say yes, and I can make you forget everything bad that lover of yours has said.' The voice tuts, clearly losing patience. You feel your health getting worse by the second, and in a moment of desperation you follow the rules. Saying yes, you feel yourself passing out as Xiao finally gets through the void.

"Well, I am the bearer of good news." Doctor Baizhu hums. "You are physically fit."

"What about the effects of the karmic debt?" Xiao asks, crossing his arms. "I need to know the magnitude of these memories being stolen."

"I'm afraid I can't say...It doesn't seem to have affected them, but neither you nor I know what they have agreed to forget." Baizhu hums.

"I should have forced them out when I sensed them. No mortal should be near me in a domain like that." Xiao huffs, looking down at his mask. "This all happened because 'someone' was worried about my lack of presence."

"So I can go home? I kind of need to get my commission sorted out, and I have some house chores I should get around to." You ask, Baizhu nodding.

As he watches your retreating form, he senses Xiao is feeling incredibly guilty for you coming along.

"Don't blame yourself for this. In fact, you got them out of that domain before the karmic debt got to them physically." Baizhu states, Xiao simply teleporting away.

"_, my dear." Alhaitham lets out a sigh of relief, thoroughly confusing you. "I have been worried sick about you leaving after the argument. It's been days! I wanted to apologise, tho-"

"...I'm sorry, sir." You start, just looking at him. "But I don't know you."

#alhaitham #alhaitham x reader #alhaitham x gender neutral reader #gender neutral reader #angst #xiao #baizhu

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iridescentpull · 2 years ago

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Letter from Anthony to Ian (August 24, 2017)

**NOTE: There might be a few spelling mistakes so I apologize! This is a transcript of Anthony's letter put together for your reading!**

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Ian,

Hello old time friend. I have a lot to say to you that has remained unsaid for many years.

First, I want to thank you for being such a great friend to me in my very fragile teenage years. I came from a broken home with very little money and no means to explore the world outside of suburban Carmichael. You introduced me to your loving family, who welcomed me and loved me with open arms. They helped me travel and showed me a way of life that I hadn't been exposed to. You personally were supportive and overall were a very good friend to me who I felt could share anything with.

I'm not sure why, but something changed. I feel our best friendship ended around 2009, and a resentment started growing between us. I started feeling a judgment in the tone of your voice. A sense of hostility in your actions. Did I do something that upset you? Did I treat you poorly? Did I make you feel insignificant- downplay the importance you had in our company and imply you were not as responsible for our success as me?

I know I struggle with many things, and I'm so sorry if i ever put you through emotional turmoil in order to fulfill my own quota of self-importance. I always wanted everything I made to be just that- something I "made" with your help. I considered smosh to be something you only tagged along for, and I'm deeply sorry if I ever made you feel like you didn't deserve as much credit as me. You may not have done some of the heavy lifting I did in the early days, but definitely encouraged us to keep going and you kept things light and full of laughs as we did it. We accomplished so much and I am now just realizing how important you were in making that happen.

I have so many things I have treated that I regret and so many things I wish I could apologize to you for doing- I really wish you would give me a chance to speak with you. There are also so many things I wish you would explain to me.

Why have you consistently made me feel ashamed to be myself in front of you for so many years? The time I asked you what you thought about my shoes when we were seventeen and you told me you thought they were hideous- and I could tell you only said it to hurt my feelings. The time you talked shit behind my back on facebook to the girl we were friends with that I introduced you to. The amount of things you said behind my back to our high school friends about me and my relationship. The snide remarks you made about me being vegan. The times you made me feel stupid for making any content whatsoever that was not directly smosh-related. The snide remarks about anything I made that put my true emotions out there for the world. I just wished you were better at communicating.

I know I'm not any better but i feel like i tried with you. I tried to break out of my comfort zone and talk about things that made me feel uncomfortable. When we were in New York for our "Ghostmates" tour we got drinks and I opened up about how embarrassed I was that my previous relationship was so obviously bad to the outside world and how naive I was to think I would actually marry someone like that. I was vulnerable and breaking down all my walls in hopes you'd return the favor. But nothing. The conversation was once again one-sided.

Am I just horrible to open up to you? Have I made you feel uncomfortable to open up around me? Have I made you feel all the ways you've made me feel? Are the ways you treat me nothing but an echo of how I treat you? Am I the one at fault here? Did I create a problem that went way further than the point of no return? Is this all because of me?

PERHAPS.

But I don't think there is a point of no return for friendships as deep as ours was. I am reaching out to you as an ex-best friend. I want to talk about things and lay them all out there so we can possibly mend things. And if we don't become friends again, at least we can say we tried. But why avoid trying all together?

What are you afraid of? I know I've been callous in the past, but please give me a chance. I've changed and I'm now a more understanding person. All I ask for you is for you to stop being a fucking asshole. Just kidding. I had to say it. I just want you to treat me with respect again.

After everything I've observed in the past few years, I'm starting to truly believe you may not be a good person anymore. Do I even want to know the bitter, grumpy, vengeful person you've become? Is it better that I keep my distance to ensure I don't get even more hurt by you in the future?

I feel like you've become the bully. You are so upset by so many things but you keep it all to yourself. No one knows what's really going on inside your head, but you take the easiest route and put a fake smile on and walk around like you have a life to envy, but deep down inside you're hurting. There's more going on than you even know, All things that slowly come bubbling up to the surface through your skin, they boil under the surface and fester until they finally burst with a shitty loaded comment or a passive aggressive outburst.

I feel like I haven't known the real you for so many years. Does anyone know the real you?

Do you know the real you?

#smosh #ianthony #ian hecox #anthony padilla #☀️🔎#screaming crying throwing myself against a wall

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lassify · 1 month ago

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Psychological & Psycho-Educational Concepts in 'Inside-Out 2'

(I know, this is basically coming out of nowhere. I do humbly apologise 😂)

I am such a huge fan of the Inside-Out movies, and I was so excited to go and see the sequel in cinemas – and I have to say, it did not disappoint. The writers and the creators REALLY did their research, which showed up so clearly in so many exciting ways.

If you will indulge me, I would love a moment of your time to bring attention to each of the psychological and psychoeducational concepts alluded to, referred to, and discussed in Inside Out 2:

Emotional messages

Something that the first film did perfectly, was introducing the idea that every emotion exists to communicate a message. Emotions are quite literally messages from the brain, giving us information about the environment and situations around us:

The above are some of the more important emotions when it comes to survival, but I suspect that Ennui was added for comedy (they were a great addition, in fairness!), and Envy was added to remind the viewer of a key part of the teenage experience; the importance of fitting in, and belonging to a ‘tribe’.

From an evolutionary perspective, it is extremely important for all humans to be part of a ‘tribe’. Banding together led to the best chances of survival; from protecting each other from predatory tigers (and other tribes), to sharing resources and food with each other.

Therefore, we have developed emotions like Shame/Embarrassment and Envy to help motivate us to remain part of the tribe. At the core, all our brain wants is for us to survive.

Fear vs Anxiety

When the second film was announced, along with the character Anxiety, I admit that I initially offered criticism of this, based on the fact that anxiety is very much a subset of fear.

But Anxiety perfectly explained that Fear appears based on the things that can be seen, whereas Anxiety is the fear of things that can’t be seen.

Anxiety was very convincing in her justification that she “plans for the future”, convincing both the characters and the audience that she really did know better for Riley, when actually, we have to remind ourselves that while our brains can be good at coming up with potential scenarios to prepare for, our thoughts are not facts.

Let me say that again: thoughts are not facts.

This was brilliant to see on screen, because anxiety can almost make us feel like we are predicting the future, when in fact, our brains may be ‘catastrophising’. Inside Out did a great job of showing us catastrophising in action, when it showed Anxiety putting a lot of mind-workers to the task of thinking up dozens of worst case scenarios. She justified it by saying that she wanted Riley to be ‘prepared’ and ‘happy’, but Joy herself knew that it was harmful because it stopped Riley from getting any sleep!

Window of Tolerance

This is concept is very widely used in Emotional Literacy 101, so I won’t give a full explanation of this, because it can get long and confusing, but you can watch a brilliant video explanation here.

In short, the “Window of Tolerance” is a psychoeducation term to describe the internal ‘window’ in which we can tolerate uncomfortable emotions and sensations. This window is sometimes also known as the ‘Green zone’, where we can think rationally, react calmly, and make decisions. (Note: It does not necessarily mean that being in the Green Zone makes us happy or calm, just that we can tolerate our more unpleasant emotions.)

If a situation is too uncomfortable or distressing, this can take us outside of our Window of Tolerance, and we will automatically either be in ‘Fight or Flight’ (what psychologists would call the ‘Red Zone’) or ‘Freeze’ mode (otherwise known as ‘Blue Zone’).

When the builders moved into Riley’s mind and updated the console, this very much narrowed Riley’s Window of Tolerance, which meant that it was harder for her to tolerate her emotions: A button pressed by Anger turned into instant rage. Sadness accidentally activated a state of despair. And Disgust turned into actual loathing.

Although not explicitly named in the film, I loved the allusion to the Window of Tolerance, illustrating just how uncomfortable emotions can become when we reach puberty, and highlighting that every teenager is learning to adjust their Window of Tolerance.

Helpful vs Unhelpful emotions

This was such a small mention in the film, but I loved it anyway. Joy tried to reassure the basic emotions about Anxiety’s presence by saying “I know sometimes they can feel unhelpful...”, before noting that she managed to improve her understanding of Sadness.

When giving psychoeducation about emotion management, we always try to move away from viewing emotions as positive/negative, and more towards helpful/unhelpful, because the truth is that emotions can be more or less helpful depending on the situation and what the message of the emotion is telling us.

Imagine we are in a dark forest at night – this is when fear would be really helpful! By keeping us alert and on our toes, we can be better prepared for any potential danger. The same can be said for waiting for an interview – a little dose of anxiety can actually help us perform better in stressful situations (look up the Yerkes-Dodson curve).

An emotion stops being helpful when it starts to cause harm to us, or when it doesn’t match the situation that we are in. For example, going food shopping in the supermarket, when we are suddenly struck with overwhelming anxiety, that stops us from being able to get food. In this situation, it is wholly unhelpful, because it stops us from functioning in a normal way.

In Inside Out 2, Anxiety became an unhelpful emotion, because she stopped Riley from sleeping, from enjoying her favourite hobby, and created a panic attack.

Beliefs

This concept is popularly used in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy: Whether they are aware of it or not, everybody has subjective beliefs about themselves, the world, and other people around them, and these beliefs would have been entirely formed by experience and development.

For example, a child who grows up in an environment that is healthy and safe, with parents who are loving and nurturing, will have formed generally positive beliefs about themselves, others, and the world around them:

I am good. I am strong. I am worthy. I am loveable.

Others are good natured. Others can help me. Others are trustworthy.

The world is a good and fair place.

These form part of our core beliefs.

In contrast, when a child grows up in an unstable environment, doesn't often get their needs met, and their parents are inconsistent and unreliable, their core belief system will adapt to integrate these beliefs into their understanding of the world. This is also the case for children who grow up in abusive environments, whose parents may even be overtly harmful or destructive, and this will creative adaptive beliefs:

I am bad. I am weak. I am unworthy. I am unlovable.

Others can’t be trusted or relied on. Others can hurt me.

The world is unjust and unfair, and isn’t a safe place.

(Image is from Beck's Cognitive Triad)

Joy took Sadness and the viewers on a journey to the Core Belief system, and even showed a few examples of Riley’s positive self-concept (“I am a good person”).

However, when Anxiety flooded the Core Belief system with hand-picked memories from Riley’s more anxious moments, Riley’s core belief system adapted, and created a new core belief: “I’m not good enough.”

In Riley’s case, she does have strong attachments with her parents, and with her friends, but in that time frame where her strong attachment to her friends was threatened, even Riley was susceptible to developing negative self-beliefs.

I personally loved this touch, because it really just goes to show how complex and multi-faceted human beings are. There are no people who are just ‘positive’ or just ‘negative’, but instead we all have a mix of core beliefs working together to create our sense of self.

Attachment

I touched on this briefly when talking about Core Beliefs, but attachment theory is an important framework to understand child development and human interpersonal relationships. Overall it’s a huge topic and I won’t go into too much detail on it (you can read more here), but in both Inside Out films, it is very clear that Riley has a strong and secure attachment to her parents - as evidenced by her resilient and positive self-concept.

I enjoyed that even though Riley demonstrates a secure attachment style (you can read about the different styles here), she is still susceptible to negative core beliefs: this is reflective of how humans are, that nobody is perfect, no parenting style is immune to outside influence, and it is still possible to carry both positive and negative self-concepts no matter what style of attachment we may have.

However, I will emphasise that secure attachment by itself is also a protective factor for developing a healthy self-concept.

Psychology jokes

Just for fun, because I like it and/or they made me laugh:

Emotional baggage: Anxiety arrived to headquarters carrying mountains of suitcases.

Bottling up emotions: When Anxiety literally puts Joy, Anger, Sadness, Disgust and Fear into a bottle to repress them.

Brain Storm: self-explanatory, and oh so fun.

Sar-chasm: self-explanatory, and comedic genius.

Overall I really enjoyed both the Inside Out films, but Inside Out 2 is a masterpiece of bringing psychological concepts to the everyday audience. It’s so clear how much love and work they put into the film. It made me cry - and to me, that’s equivalent to a 10/10 rating.

Anyway, that's all from me. Go and watch Inside Out 2. 🥰💖 You won't regret it!

#I'm sorry to all the people who follow me just for sxf #this just got me so interested i swear #thank you for accepting my ramblings #i love talking about this stuff #psychology #inside out #inside out 2 #inside out psychology #look sometimes jstuff just takes over my brain until I have to get it out somehow #im sure you understand #psychoeducation

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wisteria-lodge · 1 month ago

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unBurnt lion primary + bird secondary

Wisteria, really appreciate all the insight and time you’ve put into everything! I’ve always had a hard time placing myself in the SHC system, so I’d really love to be sorted. I’ll go through the prompts since I think they’re really thought provoking and insightful, and there are so many moving parts and nuances to any given person I wouldn’t even know where to start talking about myself otherwise.

I'm glad people are liking the prompts! I *am* picky about prompts in general, so I really did try to make these ones as interesting and as useful as possible.

Tell me about what you were like as a kid ~ As a child, I was told I was very happy, social, and caring - that if I saw someone picking up garbage on the street I’d run to help, that one time I gave my friend the gloves off my own hands when we were building a snowman because I saw she was cold

You sound like an adorable child. And there's definitely some Badger energy in here. There's this idea that you want to join in with what the community is doing (helping pick up garbage) and need-basing (your friend needed the gloves more than you did. Of course, this could also be Paragon Lion, or maybe a model based on someone in your life. Need more data :)

I baked cookies and knocked on doors to sell them and donate the money to save the ocean

Okay, now this "save the ocean" bit is sounding more Idealist... especially if you were doing it solo. Door-to-door bake sale as a problem-solving method is also tipping me towards Prep-Work secondary - Badger or Bird.

but I also distinctly remember being hyper-independent in some ways as well. When other kids asked to play with me, I would only engage if I was actually interested, and had no issue playing on my own or running off to the library to read.

Classically, it's the Lions who are most comfortable being loners, and who really value their independence (as in, will choose independence over like... peace, or comfort.)

Part of it was that my parents were somewhat absent so I had to figure a lot out on my own. I would disagree with what my parents did teach me as well

You're making me think of Roald Dahl's Matilda.

For example, I remember my dad sitting me down as a child and trying to tell me that it’s good to always be competitive to come out on top (he’s a very success driven, ambitious person who told me his goal as a kid was to end up in a history book)

Your dad sounds like a Glory Hound Lion.

and me telling him I disagreed and felt that sometimes, yes, it’s good to compete and aim to improve in that way, but other times call for collaboration too.

... but I'm leaning more Paragon Lion for you.

I had a very strong sense of what I felt and believed was right and wrong, even at a young age. I remember arguing with teachers, friends, family, and strangers alike whenever someone’s views didn’t align with mine, just because I believed in myself and letting my ideas/ideals be known.

This is all very Idealist primary stuff, and I'm really doubling down on Lion. That moment where you hear an authority figure say something and think... oh no, that is wrong, the way you are seeing things is wrong... is both a very Lion primary response, and a common Lion core memory. I also think young Lions are by far the most likely to go full rules lawyer or devil's advocate with authority figures.

At times I would find I was wrong (no one is right all the time, no matter how strong-willed they are about it) and this would make me feel embarrassed/ashamed, but I stood by my own thoughts/feelings in future instances nonetheless.

Yup. That's a Lion thing. We can get stubborn about our emotions, and realizing you were wrong can get... messy.

I think that sense of shame when I was wrong ended up carrying over into more minor things as well. At the end of the day, no matter how independent and strong willed I could be, I did ultimately still care about other people and what they thought.

Of course Lions do care what people think sometimes - everyone does. The difference is that a Lion feels most badass, strong, and powerful whenever they really, truly don't.

It bled into things like if someone said a song I liked sucked or something, I’d start wondering if my music taste is any good. This would only really apply if I cared about the person and/or their opinion though - people I admired or thought had good taste of their own, for example.

Interesting. In the terms of this system, what you are describing here is Burning - not being able to trust your emotional instinctive response to things, which can happen when they steer you wrong too many times.

I've actually come to the point where I think it's healthy for Lions to burn, every once in a while. It sucks, of course it sucks, no Lion likes being Burnt... but I've found that Burning has a way of clearing out the gunk in a way that's ultimately useful, when it comes to re-calibrating yourself. When Lions are Burnt they do exactly what you're describing - lock on to the worldview/morals/opinions of someone who seems like they know what they're doing, and let themselves be pulled along.

I am really into the arts and being creative, and I think I ended up pretty private about it because I was scared of people putting down the most vulnerable sides of me. Except for theater, I proudly performed on stage when it came to theater, I think in part because I felt I was putting on a literal performance so it wouldn’t bother me as much if people didn’t like the character or my portrayal.

Your Lion primary absolutely went through a period where it was *sort of* Burned, and you didn't quite trust yourself. Not completely burned though - that hidden place where your art came from, that's you - and that stayed alive the whole time. Makes sense that you didn't want to show it around though, when it was too delicate to hold up to harsh weather.

I think there was also this deep sense of loneliness feeling like the people around me didn’t really understand me. Not 100% sure how this factors into sorting, but it was and is a persistent feeling/theme in my life. Another consistent theme is a motto of sorts: the only constant is change.

Those I would say are both big, relatable human things. Those are both core themes of the human experience that great thinkers and philosophers have been trying to make sense of for a long time now.

Tell me a low-stakes story about you solving a problem (like in a video game.) ~ I’m not a huge gamer, but I do like things like logic puzzles and escape rooms. I find it really fun to exercise that part of my brain. In an escape room, I’ll often approach things in a very logical manner. I also don’t necessarily stay on one puzzle for long if I get stuck though - there might be something else in the room to solve for me to get the clue needed to solve whatever I’m stuck on. I’ll make a note of anything I see in the room that could be used later.

That's just a good problem-solving method in general. But the fact you like the logic-puzzle, find-the-key element of escape rooms is definitely making me think Bird secondary.

I tend to be pretty efficient in these rooms and kind of take a leadership role in the group sometimes? Not necessarily intentionally, I just feel I start making sense of what needs to done before most of my peers do so I start delegating tasks - eg. there’s a 3 number combination lock here can you go look for numbers, there’s a series of levers here do we see anything directional in the room to know how to pull them, I’ll work on this puzzle here can someone look for this other thing, etc. As long as we don’t have some sort of disadvantage (one time we were separated into 2 rooms and my friend with bad vision happened to be in the dimly lit room) I tend to clear rooms with time to spare.

I know that Lion secondaries have the reputation for being "leaders," but I actually think that all the secondaries have a leadership-mode, and this style of "organize and delegate tasks" is very much a Bird secondary thing. The historical Napoleon strikes me as a Bird secondary, and so much of his success came from things like his ability to organize supply lines, and not so much being a revolutionary firebrand.

There are also times I do something based on intuition/instinct though, and results are mixed. If I’m really stuck and no amount of pivoting to another part of a room yields results, I’ll start trying things just to try them. One time, this was opening a locker based purely on the fact that the person’s surname was “King” and I decided to try to hit the numbers in a way that would write a “K” (147359 on a 3x3 number pad, if that makes any sense) which worked. Another time, this was posing in front of a random poster, which got some laughs and did not work. It was fun though!

I've written before (I think it came up in my Princess Ariel sorting) about how when Bird secondaries don't have any relevant skills prepared, whenever they're out of their depth... they look exactly like Lion secondaries. The difference is that they're feeling frazzled and stressed, while a Lion secondary in the same situation would just be vibing.

Tell me a high-stakes story about you solving a problem ~ Hmm… with high stakes, I feel I get a lot more “let me approach this from all angles” about it, not just logical.

(which is still 100% the Bird secondary move.)

The specific instances I’m thinking of are highly personal so I’d rather not go too in depth about the situations themselves, but I’ll mention that I’ll approach it from an emotional standpoint, from a logical standpoint, from how I feel is right, etc. and keep pivoting until I find the best way to resolve it. I really do think, as wonderful as being logical and using reasoning can be, and as fun as it can be, it can’t be the approach to every problem. Especially when the problem involves people. We’re highly emotional creatures and that must be considered, to cut that out of resolving something is to expect a person not to be a person.

What you're describing sounds to me like a Lion primary and a Bird secondary working together beautifully. The emotional component is first - it's listed first, and you come back to it again at the end. You can't compartmentalize the emotion, you would never even want to try, because that would feel like losing something. Your logic and your reasoning is fun, and it's useful... but it's not at the core, which is why you're a Lion and not a Bird primary.

On top of that, I really do care about people, so I want to ensure whatever resolution is reached works best for everyone involved

You're definitely a Badger-flavored Paragon Lion. Fits right in with the picking-up-trash and saving-the-ocean stuff you did as a child.

(I wouldn't be surprised if the test gave you Badger at some point, but I'm absolutely seeing Lion.)

otherwise it’s not a real resolution as it’s not emotionally resolved and the problem may come up again in a different form later down the line.

You are able to intellectualize and explain your primary in a way that not every Lion is, so I wouldn't be surprised if you considered Bird for yourself at some point. But what I'm seeing is a strong, beloved Bird secondary taking a look at your Lion primary, and trying to assist. Your primary, your 'why,' is much rooted in emotion, independence, and your own personal internal experience... which is what makes you a Lion.

Tell me about the process you go though when you’re making a really difficult decision ~ It depends. If I have a strong gut reaction, I’ll usually trust it.

Lion.

Sometimes after the fact, I’ll realize the reasons as to why I felt that way and have a more logical explanation for things. And even if I don’t, that’s okay, I’m doing what I feel is right.

The realest 'real' is your gut response: that is the Lion primary experience. It's generally good and responsible to try to follow up and figure out where that strong emotional ping is coming from... but if you can't figure it out, or can't figure it out yet... you kind of shrug, and move on. Doing that would really bother a Bird primary.

If I don’t have a strong gut reaction, I’ll try my best to consider if from all angles - how would everyone involved feel? What do I feel might be future results/consequences? Are there any nuances to consider I may be missing? If there are things to compare to each other, I’ll also do things like make a spreadsheet or a list so I can see everything in direct comparison.

Fictional Lion primaries tend to have a really strong response to everything, but real Lions... don't. Your response to something might absolutely just be 'eh. shrug.' At which point your secondary takes over. I'm a Badger secondary, so I'm more likely to outsource the question to the community, but you're a loud Bird secondary, so of course you would do research, pro/con lists, and spreadsheets.

If I have a lot of feelings about it, I might journal or talk to a friend so I can try to understand those feelings and how they factor in.

The journal thing in particular is a HUGE Lion primary thing. Lions get so much out of just unpacking their feelings, and especially unpacking their feelings solo. I think Lion primaries are the most likely to be big journalers, and this is why.

If I’m feeling stuck in general, actually, I’ll likely talk it out with a friend. Sometimes verbalizing things helps me sort through my thoughts, and additional insight will bring new things to light to consider.

I love that you have a trusted friend, but I have literally had Lion primaries who are just into rubber-ducking, or Lion primaries who write me and answer their own questions by the end of the submission. I can absolutely attest to how useful just saying a thing aloud can be - sometimes you've got to pull something out of pathos and into logos, and that is how you do it.

If, after all this, I’m still stuck, then I’ll just have to make a decision and see where it goes. Sometimes decisions have to be made when not everything lines up.

I think everyone can benefit a little from the "just do it" mentality. The conditions are never going to be perfect. You're never going to have all the information. To me any decision is better than no decision at all. But that's also the Lion primary talking, and I know that Bird primaries are much more likely to freeze if they get really, really stuck.

What’s your fantasy? ~ There are a few. When I was a kid and I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always said I wanted to be happy and around people I loved who loved me. I don’t think that one’s changed.

I mean, that's kind of perfect, isn't it?

I also have, at certain points in my childhood, wanted to be a film director or even the president because, in my own words at the time, “everyone listens to them.” I don’t really want that level of responsibility anymore, I think I was just a bossy child who hadn’t considered the nuances.

A little bit of Glory Hound Lion is normal when you're a kid. Young Lion primaries tend to be very interested in the idea of power in the abstract (and can often have pretty generic fantasies like 'rich' or 'famous.') The freedom to follow their own instincts is so important to Lions, and it's generally something you don't have as a child... so young Lions will become very interested in whatever they think might get them that freedom.

I also wanted to be in a band or an actress for a while - I loved to create and express, and I wanted to show that to people. I still think that’d be cool, but don’t consider myself much of a performer - I like writing music and having that outlet, but I get nervous on a stage. Of the more lofty fantasies, I’ve always been really into reading and generally consuming media like TV shows and movies, and I sometimes motivate myself through hard times by thinking about the hardships my favorite characters went through and how I want to be strong, or heroic, or fiercely kind, or whatever else like them. Sometimes when I’m really into a character, I might take inspiration from them in terms of fashion choices or some of their attitude toward life as well.

Birds love a costume. This specific tendency - modeling your look and attitude off a favorite fictional character - is absolutely a bird secondary thing, and one I find *really* charming.

Is there a character who you really identify with? Why? - There are a few. Akira from Devilman Crybaby. Wei Wuxian from MDZS. Nezha from Chinese mythology in general. Keith from Voltron. Zuko from ATLA.

I wish I knew more of these guys! I do know that Wei Wuxian has been sorted as a Lion Badger with a Snake secondary model, and Keith has been sorted as a Double Lion, (it's almost like you really like Lion primaries) and Zuko as a Badger Lion... but with all sorts of interesting Burning and unBurning going on.

I think characters that are both soft and emotional as well as protective and angry, and in some way misunderstood by their peers. Characters who deeply want to do good, but have their actions misinterpreted and have to overcome a sense of loneliness I really identify with. On a less deep note, these characters have either a black or red (or both) color scheme, as well as either demon or fire (or both) motifs. I really vibe with the aesthetic.

Hey, don't overthink it. I am not surprised at all that you are drawn to emotional, protective characters who struggle with some degree of Burning and loneliness.

What makes you feel powerful? Feeling heard. Feeling competent.

That's coming from your secondary.

Being able to make a change. Support from people I care about. I think those are the main things.

... and that's coming from your primary. You're very balanced.

What was an especially difficult time in your life? What made it difficult? ~ For most of my life, I’ve really struggled with a deep loneliness. I think it’s trauma based as my parents were not the most present, and many of my interactions with them (my dad in particular) were not the most positive, so from a young age I didn’t really have the familial connection children need.

That would be hard on anyone. But I do think that having a dad who sounds like a pretty intense Glory Hound Lion... would be a lot on a young Lion learning to trust yourself. You're hearing over and over again that the way you see the world, what you want out of life... is incorrect. What were you supposed to think?

That loneliness really escalated at one point in high school when I felt like I had no one and nothing.

A Burnt Lion without even a person to lean on.

I wasn’t that good at my hobbies and began to lose interest. I didn’t have many friends and the ones I did have had other, better friends they preferred. My grades weren’t the best. There were other events that genuinely made me feel helpless and hopeless, it was a really dark time.

It honestly sounds like your secondary Burnt for a little bit there to. Yeah, I BET it was a dark time.

I’m in therapy and have gotten a lot better, in recent years the only thing that even came close to how I felt then is one particularly bad breakup I had back in 2020 where I really thought that person was my person and I’d put a lot into the relationship.

You honestly seem to have pulled yourself out of it extremely well. You come across as intelligent, thoughtful, balanced, and emotionally healthy. I have zero doubt you will find your people.

What are the important relationships in your life? ~ My friends and my partner. My inner circle or found family, if you will. I do also care about a sense of community, but will prioritize my found family. That being said, I am not afraid to disagree or speak up about issues with my inner circle, and I’m not afraid to cut people off if our morals are too far unaligned. If they show me growth/change, that’s when they’ll get another chance. For the most part, I also deal with people leaving my life decently well. If it was an amicable parting, they’re welcome back anytime. If not, we have different paths in life to take.

Spoken like a true Lion, and I honestly love hearing all of that. You sound like you're in a good place. I know it hasn't been easy, but I'm glad you sound so grounded and happy now.

Thank you to K for such an excellent submission. If you’d like a Sorting of your very own, commissions are open on my ko-fi. :D

If you’d like to read more about the system I’m using, my explanation is right here.

#shc #sortinghatchats #lion bird #lion primary #bird secondary #paragon lion #burnt lion primary #sortme #wisteria sorts

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queerprayers · 9 months ago

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hi johanna! i want to try going to church, but feel self-conscious. i live in a small town, my friends are not religious and my family is ex-christian. i'm worried about people judging me, even though i know that shouldn't matter. some of my family seem embarrassed of how christian we used to be and they'd be surprised i want to go to church. i feel equally worried about walking into a church where everyone knows everyone but me or seeing someone i know! any thoughts are welcome. love your blog!

Hello, beloved!

I'm sure you're not alone in this situation—honestly, it can be kinda embarrassing to genuinely want to participate in faith, the way it's embarrassing to be earnest about anything. People who aren't religious can completely misunderstand the motivations and experiences of religious people, and while I don't know why your family left religion, both people who just weren't all that into it and people who have been hurt by or have serious issues with the church can be (sometimes understandably) antagonistic toward people who stay or join.

Perhaps judgment "shouldn't" matter—but it does, to most everyone. Something something how our brains are wired to desire acceptance—I'm not a psychologist. It makes sense and it's okay. Caring what people think often coexists with empathy—they're both awareness of others, desiring good emotions in others. But we cannot let empathy become fear of ourselves. Empathy extends to our own souls too. Being genuinely faithful in the face of judgment from outside and within your communities takes strength. Creating a life of your own is terrifying. This isn't fair, but it is our calling.

In recent years, I've embraced the uncool-ness of my earnestness—my beloved amalgam of philosophy and religion that started as an apocalyptic cult and was co-opted by empire and has a lot of weirdos and needs to repent of its crimes and has produced some of the most beautiful art in the world and that attracts people to the walls of churches even after everything. I'm almost glad in some ways that it's not the assumption anymore that everyone is Christian, that more and more you have to go out of your way to be part of this thing. (I'm not completely naive—I know that where I live is a majority Christian country, and I am not pretending oppression or minority status or counterculture. But I am often met with surprise that I'm Christian, and I treasure that.)

The small town thing is its own beast—I live in a city (small but I think it counts), but I currently go to church half an hour away in a very rural area, and there's a specific environment of knowing everyone that I only have a tiny experience with but can imagine how exposed it must feel to try something new or change your life in any small way. And there is definitely a small church culture that can feel intimidating, like sitting at a new table in high school, wondering if somewhere tight knit has room for another. I can never promise this, but I know with my church and many others, welcoming a new person into that tight knit community is the most natural thing in the world. You'll probably get a more personal welcome, and be invited to more potlucks, and I can't promise someone there won't know your mom, but it's doable even as an introvert. Church people want more people at church—in lovely communal ways or in evangelistic ways, and while I hope you meet the former, even the latter has its own welcome. There are definitely ways to dip your toes in the water of church without braving this—like visiting a church while you're out of town, or tuning into a virtual service—but I believe in you to take it a step further. If you come a few minutes late and leave a few minutes early to avoid any conversation, I salute you. If you see someone you know and flee the other direction, I understand. If you go once and have to wait a few months to be brave enough to go back, so be it. But you have as much a right to exist on holy ground as anyone, and you already have common ground to stand on because you want to be there, just like them. I don't know how many churches are near you, but you're already going outside your comfort zone, so you might as well step into one that you're not familiar with—a more traditional mass, or a hippie sing-along. Don't set limits on your journey that is about pushing past limits.

You want to try this out, and it probably feels lonely, and you'll have to stomach surprise and probably being looked down upon by people who feel they know better, feel they have evolved past the need for silly little ritual, or for whom religion only exists as closed-mindedness. I don't know if you're queer, but I've had similar experiences of being the one to embrace where God and my heart lead me, to the embarrassment or shame of those who have never encountered it or have stifled it within themselves. You'll have to stand your ground, the way anyone who seeks something their family and friends don't has to do. Formulate some answers for questions you may receive—but no one has a right to your story. You're allowed to be casual about things that are deeply personal, you can say "I don't know, I was just curious" when everything in your soul is calling out for this. Being publicly faithful often comes after you've done the reconciling within yourself. Have patience.

If you're into saints, find some who have gone their own way—Francis of Assisi comes to mind. I even think of Moses, telling a member of his own adoptive family to let his people go, standing his ground for people he had only recently come to love. The faithful that have come before us had to live through—and die from—so much. Entering new communities has always needed strength, the strength of God. Often a lonely way at first, but your family's embarrassment or your friends' lack of understanding is not your burden. Their judgment is on them to swallow down or bear the guilt of acting on it. Your choices and calling is for them to reconcile. I'm not saying we should do whatever we want without regard for how it affects others, but you are not causing harm, and any tension will not have been created by you going to church, but by them disliking or not understanding this fact. And tension is sometimes necessary for people to reconcile with—it'll be good for them. You're probably doing them a favor—we all need to learn how to love people the way they will need to. It sucks to feel like a teaching tool, and I don't want to reduce you to that, but so often living a full life means people who can't deal with that have to learn. Looking at someone embracing what you never found a way to flourish within or understand is like looking at the sun sometimes—I've been there. But it is not for us to apologize for the light. And it often happens that being that light will move someone else to bravery.

I'm sorry it falls on you to be brave first. I'm sorry that religion is not simple or easy, but genuine desire can and will take you so far. I have a hunch that after the first time, a lot of things will make more sense. Beginning is half of the journey sometimes. If you've already begun since writing this, I'm very proud of you, and if you haven't, you have so much beautiful time. Faith is not all or nothing, and it is never too late. Life does not begin and end in your small town, and life can and will flourish—you are part of such a big world and history, for better and worse.

God is with you, regardless. God is right there, walking with you, moving your feet over the threshold of places you muster so much bravery just to enter. What shouldn't matter but does, deeply, heartbreakingly, can be both taken seriously and let go of, through the peace of Christ.

<3 Johanna

#asks

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weirdocat83 · 6 months ago

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*kicks your door down* YOU. I need to write a silly oneshot so I can fall back into writing because Losing Hope is dramaful and I can't comprehend the words I am writing. I need something goofy. Something silly. Issue? I can't think of any silly plot ideas. SOOOO, I come to you, the au/headcanon master, as a mere writer hoping to find motivation. Do you have any silly ideas that you'd be willing to let me sculpt into a quick oneshot?

Whenever I think silly ideas I default to cumplane because they’re ridiculous and them quoting memes wwhile nobody knows what they mean will never not be funny to me. I mean, imagine explaining a meme without the internet! Bonus points if some of them start picking up on how to use the memes without knowing the context.

A friend of mine told me about a svsss au they don’t intend to write where Shen Jiu is a strict teacher and Shen yuan is the TA that grades his students papers so LBH and SY end up communicating through notes and doodles :)

*takes a Quick Look at old posts because I had ideas then and I don’t have any rn*

Not really that fluffy but Any Hualian time travel or truth serum. There’s like, one truth serum fic in the TGCF fandom that’s good and Xie Lian has both so many secrets and also the sassiest thoughts. Also Xie Lian and Hua Cheng meeting while still alive (and possibly ascending together??).

I would also like to direct you to this post and this post because some aforementioned things are there but also various other ideas that could work. It was an idea day and today isn’t (unfortunately)

Any scenario in which anyone gets drunk. Literally pick a character and choose how they embarrass themselves and regret their decisions in the morning. Xie Lian could harp on about the dirty things he keeps to himself as well as insulting *so* many people, Hua Cheng could be very soft and emotional but also really kind and ends up giving so many compliments even to Feng Xin and mu qing (much to their shock and amusement) speaking of mu Qing, get him wasted. My man has so many emotions and unnecessary thoughts. Cuddle the man and make him laugh. I think he’d be a little more insecure openly but also happier. We’ve seen LWJ drunk but imagine wwx drunk. Idk if that’d be angsty or not but up to you. I think he’d be soft and VERY cuddly. Half of what he says is completely nonsensical but the other half is very sweet. Binghe would be clingy and Shen Yuan would probably be singing some modern pop song with airplane (who is equally wasted).

Outing myself here but non-explicit abo is probably one of my fav types of fluff. Idk something about people being intensely cuddly while surrounded by soft things and being incredibly vulnerable always gets me. Like, ‘nope, you’re mine to cuddle for the rest of the week. Live with it.’

Chatfics are my preferred crackfics because hell hath no chaos like a bunch of people smushed together in a gc with naming privileges and being unable to leave. Bonus points if it’s in high school so there’s extra drama and humor. Imagine Hua Cheng and Xie Lian haven’t confessed but everyone else knows? Hilarious. Mu Qing and Feng Xin fighting in the halls (again) over something stupid and getting suspended? Hilarious. SQX being girlfriends with HX and going on dates (they had a rough start with their relationship because Shi Wudu pulled some shit that was NOT run past SQX which led to a lot of difficulties but eventually they did become friends again and eventually lovers.)

Anyhow that’s all I can think of. I also had some fluffy-ish ideas for losing hope if you want those ;3

#tgcf #heaven official's blessing #svsss #mdzs #tian guan ci fu #weirdocat83 ramblings #mo dao zu shi #scum villian self saving system #if you have any vague ideas that aren’t fully thought out I’d love to think about them more for you

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simping-for-joe · 1 year ago

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Take a Deep Breath

Leon Kennedy X Dyslexic! Reader

You decided to put something together without help but struggle with the instructions the day escalates from there

A/N: So fun story, I have dyslexia, and a lot of times when I see neurodivergent reader, it's not really included so I said fuck it and wrote it myself. This is based on a general experience I've had with dyslexia. I tried my best to communicate what it feels like for me personally. Sorry, this is like really specific and I'm probably the only one who wants this.

You had decided it was a good idea to try to put together a nightstand while Leon was at work today. You had the day off and decided to do a few things around the house. Leon and you just moved into a new apartment and needed a new nightstand.

You open the box with some scissors and take out the instructions. You take out all the parts, as well as get the tools the paper told you to grab. A smile on your face as it seemed like this would be easier than you thought.

“Okay…” You're about a third step in, and you read the instructions…. You read it again… you read it one last time. “W-what?” You look at the picture and… it was no help. “Am I dumb?” You ask yourself slightly annoyed. You take a deep breath slightly annoyed before you start to read it out slowly. “Connect part C to part D… but how the hell…” It was so vague you weren’t sure how you were supposed to exactly attach them and the picture was absolutely no help whatsoever. That good mood was almost completely gone, but you were still determined to do this. It would be a nice surprise for Leon and maybe you could figure this out.

You needed a break so you were in the kitchen scrolling through your phone, you were beyond frustrated and started to get a little shouty with the instructions. It probably didn’t help that anytime you’ve ever built furniture it was with someone else. You wanted to slam your forehead against the countertop, but you get distracted by the sound of the front door opening.

“I’m home!” Leon calls when he notices you're right in the kitchen. He chuckles a little before you hug him tightly. "How was your day?" He asks softly as he hugs you back.

"Actually... I was hoping to get your help with something." You bring up to him.

"What is it?" He asks curiously as you guide him to your bedroom. He looked in and that answered his question.

"I... I need you to read this." You hand him the directions slightly embarrassed. He just takes the paper and reads the instructions out to you. You listen, think for a moment... and find you are still lost. Leon chuckles softly, and motions for you to watch him do it. You watch as he effortlessly puts together the last part you need to complete the nightstand.

Annoyance and embarrassment fills you as you realize how simple it was to finish the nightstand. Leon gives you a reassuring smile.

"It's alright," he attempts to assure you and kisses your forehead to make you forget your emotions on the matter and make you feel a bit better.

Leon makes the decision to go grocery shopping to distract you from the whole nightstand thing. You had written a list earlier in the day, and it seemed like a good idea.

However, as you're walking through the store and you ask Leon for the next item on the list, he's stumped.

"Leon?" You ask softly, and he looks to you.

"Um... sweetheart, what does this say?" He asks you showing you the paper and you honestly have no clue. You cannot tell what the hell you wrote on that paper.

"I have... no fucking clue." You say softly in shock as you take the paper from him trying your hardest to remember. Sometimes when you spelled things wrong you could remember what you were trying to say, this was not one of those times. You groan out annoyed, and want to hit something.

"Hey... are you okay?" He asks you softly.

"No! I fucking hate having dyslexia, it fucking sicks!" You stop and sigh out annoyed. "Sucks... I meant sucks..." A little defeated, you hang your head a bit.

"Come here, baby." He says softly pulling you into a hug. Embracing you tightly calming you down a bit. "Just take a deep breath..." He assures you gently.

"I'm sorry... it's just so frustrating sometimes..." You tried to explain, but it was annoying. You didn't hate your dyslexia, it was more complicated with that. You know on some level, you've grown used to your disability and you've learned to live with it. However, it still got in your way sometimes.

"I know..." He assures you gently, kissing your forehead. "This stuff happens sometimes, and that's okay. Don't beat yourself up about it okay?" You nod gently embracing him tightly.

"Thanks, Leon..." You smile looking up at you fondly.

"It's no problem love... now, let's try to figure out what's on this list." He jokes getting a chuckle and a smile from you finally.

#resident evil #leon kennedy #leon s kennedy #leon kennedy x reader #fanfic #neurodivergent #x reader #this is self indulgent #dyslexia #this is so specific #i dont know #this is just me #being weird #and dyslexic

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bengiyo · 2 years ago

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Be My Favorite Ep 6 Stray Thoughts

Last week, this show put me on my back foot when it asked me to be kind. So much of last week was about people choosing to be kinder to one another and that choice paying forward for the recipient. Kawi is building a genuine friendship with Pear. Pisaeng went to a gay club for the first time and saw Max. Max read the baby gay for being self-centered, but then softened it with good advice. Kwan encouraged Not to give Kawi just a little bit of encouragement after asking him to sign the book she had already panned. They subverted the rooftop confession by having Kawi gently turn Pisaeng down. Kawi actually sang and now is part of a band. I’m actually invested in this show now. Was not expecting that.

Hey, Kawi’s smiles are starting to look genuine.

It’s sad that this is probably the first time Kawi ever expressed his worries about his dad.

I know we better save Kawi’s dad’s life. Kob Songsit is one of the most reliable BL dads.

I like that Max is a prickly queer. You gotta establish boundaries with baby gays because they can glomp on way too hard.

Oh. I see. Pisaeng’s family isn’t just rich, they’re “comfortable.” Curious how Max will feel about Pisaeng having a complicated relationship with his mom, or the reveal that anyone with that level of wealth is involved in crimes.

Pear’s house was used in Dark Blue Kiss and Bakery Boys I’m pretty sure.

I am having a lot of feelings about this scene with Pear asking her dad to help Kawi’s. I’m sick, and one of my friends reached out to his doctor parents to get me into care. I don’t think I’d be alive without their help.

Oh, Kawi. Now is the time to be strong and tank the embarrassment. It isn’t bad that Pear knew what you wanted to ask. It’s actually good that Pisaeng told her. She was there as an advocate with you. The mission is your dad’s health, not your ego.

Okay, I do like this show finally acknowledging that all these arguments people have are so loud that other people definitely know what they’re saying. I love Max.

Max is speaking my thoughts. I will let him write the rest of this post.

“I will not apologize for doing what I thought was best to help you with a serious problem. However you feel about it, I will accept it,” is really something I think we could use more of in the West. I feel like we as Americans are obsessed with ‘winning the conversation’ as a concept, and I think it makes us inherently combative.

This Kawi reveal about the source of his anger is giving, “I’m angry at myself.”

Not sure where I sit on Pear and Not as a pairing.

I get how repressed Kawi is and everything, but don’t kiss a man who has confessed to you while you’re drunk. There’s no turning back now. And then he falls asleep! This messy spaghetti ass boy!

Pisaeng going from an emotionally-complicated queer encounter directly into a closeted conversation with his mom as he has to figure out in the morning how to explain Kawi’s presence is giving me intense emotional flashbacks.

Okay, this show broke me. Pisaeng is not stupid. Pisaeng has always known who he is. His mother manipulated him deep into the closet when he was 15, and he knows it. His mom is using his own community against him. Some of you may be shocked that his mom has gay people turning on each other, but there is a long history of the police infiltrating gay spaces and threatening people convictions to turn them into informants. This is the sickest thing I think we’ve seen in a long time from GMMTV. I am deeply appalled. I will have to blog about this because this is so evil. The weaponization of our own community into surveilling and reporting on each other makes me so angry. That she is also publicly progressive enough that a person like Max admires her also infuriates me.

Nevermind. Fuck Not. Why is he speculating about Kawi’s sexuality to Pear? This is not how you flirt.

Ah, we’re back to the time travel portion of the plot. I’m curious what Pisaeng does with this knowledge.

I like Pisaeng. Despite everything going on, he’s still focused on the important thing: Kawi’s dad.

I do think it was important for Kawi to speak directly to Pear’s dad about getting help for his father, and not letting it just be a favor Pear begged for.

I’m so glad Kawi went to Pear as well to apologize for running out on her. She’s incredibly understanding and I hope she finds happiness and fulfillment.

I often talk a lot about the relationship with gay boys and their moms, but I also have strong feeling about boys and their fathers. Kawi admitting that he feels no need to improve himself if his dad won’t get to see it hits me to my core. I love my dad. He and I get along great. I need to call him later today once I watch Strange New Worlds. I get this.

I don’t mind Pisaeng letting Kawi know he’s willing to wait for him to sort his feelings.

I am going to have to write a separate post at some point this weekend. I am not in the read headspace now to talk about the rage flowing through my veins right now at a businesswoman with political ambitions gaslighting her own son into staying in the closet, and then using her own queer employees to surveil him. For those of you new to marginalized spaces, enforcement organizations have infiltrated our spaces forever and turned our own people against us. This was especially easy queer spaces because white men were threatened with losing access to whiteness. I cannot overstate how evil this is and how unexpected it is for me to have a GMMTV show NOT from Golf going directly into this.

#be my favorite #be my favorite meta #thai bl #bl series #Ben watches

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monster-rinds · 1 day ago

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Chapter 13: Not a con

I used my phone to connect to the internet and do a search for events.

I’ve been around long enough, I know how readers react to these kinds of things. I’ve been party to more conversations about plot holes and continuity errors than you will ever be. I’ll throw you a little bone.

My phone is a thing I create that looks like a phone and acts like a phone, and is to all intents and purposes a phone. And I connect it to a pirate mobile account that I have set up just for this purpose.

It’s a little bit like hacking my way into a job without actually being on payroll. Something I’m not going to explain to anyone.

My ability to do this was one of the reasons I thought I was so good at pretending to be human. It is part of how I’ve survived for so long.

We all make choices, and this was one of mine.

“That looks expensive to maintain,” Felicity said, watching me use it.

“Costs me nothing,” I said.

“Not money, Silly,” she muttered.

“Yeah, OK.”

She pointed at the screen and said, “Oh, that’s perfect. It’s still early enough in the day there should be plenty of con left, lots of emotions for you.”

I nodded, “And the back rooms of the center for some privacy. Hilarious coincidence it’s this convention.” I looked up at her, “How did you recognize this phone for what it was?”

“Are you kidding? It wreaks of you,” she said.

“Is it more obvious than I am myself?” I asked.

She gave me that high eyebrow, tight mouthed look and little nod that meant, “I didn’t want to tell you, but…”

Dammit.

But also?

That was handy to know.

---

Theriandia.

The convention would have been named OtherCon, if someone hadn’t already grabbed that name for an annual virtual convention held for the first time last August.

But we were in Portland, having caught the MAX back there to get to the Oregon Convention Center, where it was being held. And in Portland, there are a few handy nicknames for the city that you can make portmanteaus out of.

Portmanteaus.

Anyway, Theriandia is a portmanteau of “therian” and the name of a comedy show that everyone knows about.

A therian is a human being, or someone born from human beings, who strongly feels like they are some other kind of animal. There are other terms for this kind of experience, too, such as otherkin, otherkind, and alterhuman. Though each one is a little different and includes other experiences as well. Alterhuman, for instance, is supposed to be so broad a term that it includes a lot of neurodivergent experiences such as plurality, mediumship, spiritual connections to greater beings, transhumanity, dissociation, and a variety of other things that might make one feel more than or different from the typical human.

Therianda was for all of these people, but they decided to focus on therians specifically for the name.

Felicity’s host, Amber, could truthfully claim to be alterhuman if she wanted to. If she knew she was carrying around five epialivores and a teratovor protector.

I could easily pretend to be one, more or less. No one would ask. Self identification is prized in the community, usually.

It’s not like anyone could provide proof besides saying something like, “Yeah. I’m a, uh, dragon!”

The fun thing about this convention was that, like anime, science fiction, and comic cons, there was a strong cosplaying component. And a lot of people would be in fairly fanciful costumes.

And they’d been feeling proud of them, and embarrassed, and hopeful, and anxious, and overheated, and all number of other delicious emotions. Even just relaxed and happy, content.

I could sense it all emanating from the building as we walked up to the front doors with my phone handy, displaying our tickets, which I’d hacked into getting for us.

Listen. Computers are just complex patterns of energy. I’ve been fucking around with complex patterns of energy for a long, long time. And the neat thing about computers is that they’re not people, and so it feels less unethical to fuck with them.

But with the way that Greg even clocked me, and my phone apparently gives off some sort of monster energy, I’d started to feel like maybe my form of computer hacking was leaving a kind of trail that I didn’t really want to leave. Not in the long run, at least.

But, if it did, it would be just as handy here as my phone.

We were also prepared to show our IDs at the door, and we were in and directed to a table to pick up our badges.

So, the plan was that we’d make a full circuit of the con, pretending to be a couple of lesbians on a date, and looking for something to buy for each other, with me looking at my phone regularly.

Then we’d look for a private place, supposedly to make out or do something even more intimate.

But what we were hoping was that I’d look like an affectivore who was taking advantage of a human mark. Because Felicity looks damn human to me, and probably to a lot of other monsters that aren’t specialized in hunting epialivores. And since we weren’t in Gresham, maybe her face wouldn’t be as well known.

And if that didn’t work to draw something after us, we’d still have some time to improvise, like staging a bad breakup or something.

But, with her right next to me, maybe she could make eye contact with our attacker more clearly.

That was the hope.

In the meantime, the costumes really were delightful.

Humans are so creative, I love them.

---

Despite her millennia of studying humanity, and her own genuine interest in Synthia as a potential partner, Felicity found it difficult to play her part. Often a little bit of predatory nature went a long way with humans in appearing to be sexually attracted to someone. But she was so weak and hungry she couldn’t focus, or bring herself to do more than absently follow Synthia as she dragged her through the convention by the hand.

And every time Synthia glanced back at her, it was all she could do to avoid making eye contact and start feeding right there. And that was despite how that would look like in the middle of a crowd of people, and the kind of disaster that could lead to. Her natural reflexes for caution were overwhelmed the second they entered those doors, and she had to use what conscious agency she had left to restrain herself.

And it seemed like Synthia was oblivious to this.

Of course, she wasn’t. She was taking the lead naturally and putting on the act for the both of them, and looked like the gleeful nerd between the two of them, showing her girlfriend the life she really wanted to live.

Which, of course, came naturally to Synthia, since she mimicked the people she was around. Feeding on their emotions and then reflecting them.

It worked out, and also helped explain that Synthia was the one to periodically pull out her phone to look at it, checking the con schedule.

And between those brief moments, they passed through crowds of people who, even when they weren’t, all felt taller than her.

Most of the con-goers looked haggard and ready to go home, but lingering to see one last thing or talk to one last person. And most of them didn’t have costumes, really. But a fair number of them had decorated cardboard masks that either hung off their backpacks, or were strapped to the tops of their heads. Each one a different creature.

Some masks were simple, a single cut piece of cardboard with another folded piece for a snout, shaped to have ears and hair tufts of a particular animal, decorated with markers. Others were far more elaborate. And eventually, Synthia pointed out that there’d been a workshop earlier that weekend, and exclaimed it was a shame they’d missed it.

At one point, she stopped to ask the owner of one of the more incredible masks how it was made, and if there were online resources for it.

Of course, there were.

Synthia grinned and said, “So cool. I want to make the best mask I can for my girlfriend here. She’s a bit of a cougar. Isn’t that right, Felicity?”

Felicity felt confused, though. She’d never identified as any kind of a cat, and if Synthia was talking about their age difference it was seriously the other way around.

After a moment she remembered the act and smiled and nodded shyly.

“Oh, there’s some great big cat designs at the site I linked you to,” the therian exclaimed. “Something like my mask took a lot of work. But it is all cardboard and glue. So much cheaper than a typical fursuit.”

“I know. I love it!” Synthia said. “Thank you!”

“Not at all.”

And then they turned away and Synthia led her to vendors’ row, where about a quarter of the booths were already closed and packing up.

On the way there, she did see a couple of full fursuits, one of which was a plush xenomorph. It had clever puppetry for the second set of arms, the tail, and the jaws. And Felicity was too out of it to figure out if the one person just had buttons in their gloves, or if there was someone in the wings with a remote control, or if it was something else.

And with that, she really started to worry that she wouldn’t be able to feed herself when it came time to defend Synthia from whatever predator they’d lured.

Really, she should be keeping her eye out now for likely candidates that might already be stalking them.

Part of the problem was that her host body desperately needed sleep. That really didn’t help in any way.

And then, just as she was about to tell Synthia that she needed to give up and give in to consuming her easiest prey, she saw it.

They were at an open booth full of pamphlets and key chains, with a small section of tiny crocheted animals of various sorts, when Felicity had to look away to rest her eyes.

Standing by a bench near the windows, giving Synthia the side eye, was a person with electric blue shaggy dog boots, black cargo pants, and white waffle patterned long johns under a denim vest full of patches and buttons. Their hair was slick and floppy, with a left-hand side cut, and their eyebrows were perfect. And they were surrounded by the waves of a sickly yellow aura the likes of which she knew Synthia couldn’t see. Their eyes practically glowed with the emanant light.

That was it. That was the monster that would try to eat Synthia.

And since it wasn’t looking at her, it clearly hadn’t clocked her yet. She looked human to it. Maybe it thought that Synthia was a people eater and that Felicity would be her snack.

She did her best not to stare, and to look at other spectacularly dressed people for just as long.

Then she turned to look at what Synthia was holding and talking about. It was a monster fucker symbol on a clip.

She managed a grin and agreed to pay for it, then squeezed Synthia’s hand twice. And then she couldn’t help yawning.

“Oh, you look done,” Synthia said. “Do you wanna find someplace quiet, Honey?”

“Yeah,” Felicity said. “I think that might be a good idea. And maybe we can get some food on the way.”

Synthia narrowed her eyes and smirked, saying, “Oh, I’m not all the food you need?”

Amber’s stomach growled, and she stumbled with the anticipation of absorbing Synthia’s energy and feeling it coursing through her being.

Synthia caught her and said, “Ooh. Let’s go.” She turned to the vendors and asked, “How long are you gonna be here? I want to buy that, but we maybe need a few moments.”

The couple behind the table exchanged grins, and one of them waved their hand in her direction, “You know what? Take it. On us. If we’re still here the next time you come by, maybe get something else! But don’t sweat it. We did good.”

“Really? Thank you!”

“Really! And please, take care.”

“You guys are too sweet! Thank you so much. I gotta go. Make sure Felicity here is doing alright.”

“Water’s probably a good idea, and maybe a corn dog.”

“Yeah.”

Amber probably could do with a corn dog, now that Felicity thought about it.

And when they left to go looking for a door to a back hallway, Felicity glanced and saw the shaggy legged predator following them.

It was putting on the airs of being a 20-something gender fucked student who probably smoked. Aside from the non-physical tells of an overconfident emanant, it blended right in. There were no less than ten other people within eyesight with the same sense of style.

She felt a burst of energy, getting herself ready for the fight to come.

It cleared her mind maybe just enough.

#original fiction #teratovore #web serial #writeblr

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strawberrystepmom · 11 days ago

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haii kendal!! i wanted to submit an astrology reading thing for my special little guy. he's got a cancer sun, aries moon, gemini venus, and leo mars. i've been putting all my faves through cafeastrology recently and why do so many of them have gemini venues omymymyyyy and thank u sm for doing this!! saw u doing it in jan and i got super curious sooo here i am :))

hi lynn!! <333 thank you for participating!! i am so happy to be able to open this back up bc i truly enjoy answering these questions.

first, let me address the venus type thing: one thing about venusian attraction i've found is that it often lies in believing we may find what we're looking for to round ourselves out in the other person. i have a strong attraction toward people with capricorn/earth venus placements because they give a steadiness that i desperately need - a sort of ironclad "i'm not going anywhere"-ing. i'm an aquarius venus. once i'm comfortable and feel safe and understood with someone my flighty tendencies become a lot more apparent so someone who is likely going to dig in, stand by, be there and take the time is very attractive to me.

so in your case, you may be craving the intelligence of a gemini venus. they're intelligent and make love a really intuitive, talkative experience. maybe you've just been longing for a good conversational partner, someone you really keeps you going and can help drive you into becoming everything you wanna be. gemini are really good at that because they're so formless and can be whatever someone needs them to be.

special little guy reading

okay so looking at this big four i'm intrigued.

cancer sun is a very intuitive, emotional, steady placement which seems like an oxymoron but it's not. compared to its fellow water signs (pisces & scorpio) it thrives when its life is consistent and it can expect what's going to come. this person is likely very in touch with their feelings even if they don't always express them in the ways we traditionally associate with emotional people. cancer's don't really tend to be criers - they quietly seethe and vocally love. being that it's sun this is a person that likely values family to some extent, they're quite loving even if it's a bit stern at times because cancers have strong boundaries and will enforce them with the right supporting placements which this person has.

i appreciate an aries moon + cancer sun combination because it gives a lot of reassurance to the self critical nature of cancer. aries advocates and believes in itself more strongly than any other placement and how it functions in this person as their moon is that it's their inner world and guiding light. when they're doubting themselves, the reassurance they need is right inside. people will toss passive aggressive, bad at communicating, etc. at cancer which can be true depending on the placements surrounding it but i see this person as someone who is likely exceedingly direct. probably too much so sometimes even if it comes from a good place lol cancers are fixers similar to virgo and are not afraid to be shy about it.

we discussed gemini venus and i like it but my concern with that cancer sun can create a real sense of know-it-allism which isn't bad in and of itself but they can definitely be the "i know, do, think and feel all" type and don't really let their partners experience things as individuals. this isn't true 100% of the time but it is a potential issue.

now leo mars (a fellow leo mars yay!) is someone who does care about appearance. they value how they're perceived and commit to the bit when it's necessary. they're outspoken, unafraid to be themselves, and cancer can sometimes feel a little bit embarrassed to really be itself and leo helps so much. i think some of the communication issues i spoke about previously are smoothed over by the tendency of leo to really make their point clear.

liked what you read here? stop by my event and submit a request!

#answered #an astrological event

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zuzsenpai · 5 months ago

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Deep dive into my personal thoughts on determining if I am autistic. Feel free to read or not read, but please refrain from dismissive language. I'm just trying to get this stuff written down and posted, because often that's cathartic for me. TW for negativity, mentions of mental illness, and verbal/emotional abuse.

I’ve been seriously considering the idea that I’m autistic for a little over a year now (probably longer if I’m being honest), though a conversation with a good friend yesterday sparked an interest in putting everything into writing. This past year was exceptionally bad as far as mental health is concerned, and I generally assumed depression and anxiety were responsible for a lot of my issues getting worse. And that’s definitely true. But as I thought about myself and became more aware of certain traits I have and things I do and say and think outside of just a depression standpoint, I kept wondering if I’ve been framing some things wrong for years. I had always assumed that certain things I do are “wrong” and “bad” because they’re caused by depression. When in fact they might be features of myself that can be reframed and understood better and I can learn to accept them. I’ve been wondering if getting screened for autism might be useful for me. I still don’t know. A lot of the things I’m about to list sound really negative. But I want to learn how to love myself and take care of myself so that positivity can come out of this.

So anyway, here are some things I do or think that, if I get screened for autism or at least dip my toes into the community, I might be able to understand more clearly. Not all of these are signs of autism, and some can absolutely be attributed to depression or self esteem issues, which I do have. But I want to get all of this down anyway.

Social anxiety. I have a lot of it. Always have, though I tended to mask it better in school. In my 30s, I’m not forced to interact with people outside of work, so my social anxiety has only gotten worse. I’m god awful at social interactions with almost everyone. Especially in-person social interactions (online is easier, though I tend to not have much to say in online conversations). Very close friends and immediate family are the only people I feel I can speak to properly, but even then I get nervous and have to really think before I say something. I think very carefully before every social interaction, and ponder them constantly afterwards. I tend to cancel plans VERY frequently if I feel like I can’t handle being around more people than just my close friends or immediate family. And when I am with new people, I fret constantly about being perceived as awkward. Which brings me to…

I have a deep fear of being perceived as awkward or weird. Of being recognized as someone who can’t communicate normally. I feel like an alien wandering around at all times. Everything I say sounds awkward coming from my mouth. Speaking leads to embarrassment. I sit in a room filled with extended family and all I can think of is how I can seem “normal” without having to talk to them. Because of this, I have become hyperaware of visual cues/facial cues/reactions of other people around me when I’m near them or speaking to them. I always thought that “recognizing social cues” meant that I couldn’t have autism. But I think in this case, I may have just worked extra hard to notice people’s reactions because of the fear of being perceived as different. I trained myself, if that makes sense. Though sometimes I realize too late that I actually said something weird, and I stress about it for weeks. Which brings me to…

I vocal stim. Because of my horrible fear of being perceived as awkward, I tend to replay social interactions in my head over and over for days and weeks after they happen. My brain does this thing where the moment I start to think about an awkward interaction, I immediately and involuntarily say a specific word out loud. It doesn’t happen in public while I’m in the situations, but it does happen every time I think about them afterwards, usually when I’m alone. This is a frequent, daily occurrence. I think of the vocal stim as trying to help me stop thinking about the thing, or reminding me that I’m thinking about it in the first place. When I hear myself say the word, I inwardly cringe for a moment, then try to refocus on something else. The word has changed a couple times over the years, but it’s usually the name of a fictional character I really like at the time.

I know this one will sound more like severe depression, but… My executive dysfunction is bad. REAL BAD. I have entire rooms of my house filled with garbage and junk because I can’t take a single step to clean and sort. Even the idea of taking a small step is stressful for me. Organization is a huge challenge. Starting any kind of task that involves cleaning or organizing gets me confused and anxious. And often even fun hobby tasks seem impossible to start or do, because my brain constantly tells me I don’t actually want to do them.

Also I space out and can’t focus when someone, like my mom, is talking to me. She complains that I don’t listen to details when she’s talking and she claims I “do it on purpose to spite her”. When in reality, I do it without thinking. It causes poor memory issues. One specific and horrible example is from last Christmas. My mom said she wanted new pot holders for Christmas— a specific kind that aren’t “mittens” and don’t include silicone grips, but instead are made of really thick fabric. She told me this a couple times, but for some reason I couldn’t process the details, or I immediately forgot them because I didn’t write them down. I eventually told my sibling that she could get the pot holders for my mom and I would get her something else on her list. But I neglected to tell my sibling any of the details of what my mom wanted. So my sibling got her really nice, big silicone grip oven mitts. When my mom opened them, she immediately said: “this isn’t what I wanted. Kristin I told you exactly what I wanted a dozen times. Did you seriously not listen? Why don’t you listen to me?” So in essence, I had completely ruined my sibling’s gift to my mom. I broke down and started sobbing. On Christmas. In front of my family. At age 35. My mom got really angry and told me I was crying on purpose to get sympathy, and that there’s no excuse for not listening to her, and that I’m being spiteful. I tried to explain to my family that lately I’ve been feeling like my brain doesn’t work properly. I don’t know if they really “got it”. It was AWFUL. I’m tearing up just thinking about it. Anyway… on to other things…

When I get a new project at work, I have to ask a lot of questions and talk it out for a while with my manager (who is very patient), pretty much every time. Just takes a while to process things. I spiral a little if I don’t have all the facts of a project right away. And speaking of not processing, please do not ask me to play a card or board game with a zillion rules. My brain shuts down. I get overwhelmed just thinking about it and I get stressed when someone invites me to play a game I’ve never played before.

I often take things people say too seriously, or it takes me a while to process what they are joking about with enough time to respond properly. I work extremely hard to mask this. I do understand sarcasm and jokes, but often I don’t know how to react to them. For instance, I have an uncle (Uncle Mike) who is notorious for saying incomprehensible shit and making inscrutable jokes about people (I’m sure you can guess that he is NOT my favorite relative). I was with him the other day, along with another uncle (Uncle Dave) who I hadn’t seen in years. My dad said something like “oh everybody’s gone through a lot of dog drama this year”. Which is true, though I personally don’t have a dog and did not have “dog drama”. Uncle Mike turned to Uncle Dave and just said offhandedly “Oh don’t bring the dog drama up around Kristin.” The comment made zero sense and I didn’t recognize it as a bizarre joke right away (he didn’t even know my cat was sick). So I felt the need to defend myself to my other uncle. I turned to Uncle Dave and said “well no, I don’t have dog drama but I do have cat drama. My cat was sick and had surgery, but he’s doing a lot better now.” Then I kind of went off on a tangent explaining the cat’s surgery. My Uncle in turn had no idea how to react to this. So I felt extremely awkward afterwards and sat there quietly contemplating how fucking awkward I am and how I can’t take a joke (even when the jokes are inscrutable). Anyway.

I get VERY overstimulated and anxious when my parents force me to come with them to local hockey games (they love going). I despise it. The competitiveness, the angry fans, the tension, the fighting on the ice… it’s awful. It sounds weird and counterintuitive, but I’m able to distract myself with the advertisements on the digital screens and the Jumbotron. But actually watching the game? Can’t do it. Serious overstimulation.

I have physical tics. I’ve cycled through different ones over the years— digging my fingernail into my palm, licking my lips, torso and neck twisting… etc.

I eat the same food every day. Takes A LOT to get me to branch out. I’m really picky. There are foods (like cheese, garlic, and fish) that just the idea of eating them makes me physically ill. I’ve actually puked from smelling mac & cheese and garlic pretzels cooking in the oven. I don’t have food texture issues, but I’m hypersensitive to taste and smell. I gag ALL the time when trying new foods, so I tend to avoid them.

I do hyperfixate on occasion. It’s not particularly extreme, but it does occur. Especially when I am too burnt out to do anything else, I find a single thing I really like doing at the time and become consumed by doing that one thing that makes me happy. Whether it’s writing fanfic for days on end or editing Digimon BGM or identifying bugs, I tend to ignore other tasks in favor of that one thing.

And finally, the suspected autistic burnout, which I am experiencing right now. I went through a VERY stressful August with my cat needing emergency surgery and his anxiety-inducing recovery. During that time and since then, my brain has been completely unable to start or focus on ANY task. I mindlessly scroll tumblr wishing I could do anything other than that, but feeling anxiety when I try. I’m exhausted. Everything makes me exhausted. Existing makes me mentally and physically exhausted. I’ve been really withdrawn.

Anyway, in general, I’ve always felt that I didn’t have traits that would get me diagnosed as autistic. And there’s a good chance I won’t be diagnosed. But I do have some traits. Maybe? My problem is fear of not being accepted and understood, because people in my life will think I’m “too old to be diagnosed” or “exaggerating�� or “just have depression”. I have a childhood friend who got diagnosed a few years ago. When she told her mom she had autism, her mom was insulted, angry, and dismissive. Her mom brought out the “is it my fault? Was I a bad mother? There’s no way my child has autism” cards. Knowing my own mother and how she reacts to anything I tell her about myself, she would do the same thing. She would tell me I’m over-exaggerating and making stuff up in my head. And having my mom be insulted by my autism is a deep fear, because when she says dismissive things, they tend to burn into my mind for eternity. Like when I was 21 and she told me “don’t think you’re gay just because your friends are gay.” GOD that was a bad one. That one line held me back from understanding my sexuality for well over a decade, and it still haunts the back of my mind. I can’t imagine what her dismissing me as neurodivergent would do. The fight and guilt tripping and dismissiveness it would cause would be outrageously terrible for my mental health. My mom is staunchly anti-psychiatry, so I guess I will never EVER tell her. Maybe her acceptance wouldn’t make me feel better anyway.

But other people’s acceptances— the people who truly matter— might be what I’m looking for. I don’t know what to make of anything I just wrote down. I said a lot of things about myself… and it would be nice to frame some of them more positively, and to work on certain things with a better knowledge of who I am.

#Zuzu note;#personal post for ts #tw mental illness #mental health mention #thoughts on autism #tw verbal abuse #tw emotional abuse

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