#go to live there. and they die there. like why

[jeanjauthor]

The of the single most powerful, most human acts in the retellings of the Old Testament stories is when Noah is on the Ark, the world has been flooded, God is still going to destroy the whole world...and Noah begins to dance. This confuses his family to no end.

"Why are you dancing? The Lord is going to destroy everything!" they demand to know.

And Noah essentially says, "Then if there is nothing left for us to do to stop it, then I will do something I like. I will dance, because it brings me joy. And I will dance my dance in the name of the Lord, in the hope that it brings the Lord some joy, too."

He is saying, essentially--vitally essentially--that humans dance. That humans express themselves. That humans will find joy even when we know we are going to be destroyed.

Because that's what humans do.

Life is fleeting. Whether it's a hundred days as a beetle or a hundred years as a human, we will live, and we will eventually die. And if you lvoe to dance, then dance. Even if you have less than a hundred hours left in your life.

Be human.

Being human includes engaging in joy.

Even in the face of tragedy and death, find the joy that exists in life.

Dance as an act of rebellion. Dance as an act of joy.

[joshujin]

dude, nice try! [teaser]

joshua hong has had the immense privilege of living 30 whole years without ever feeling so much as an ounce of jealousy. that is, until you come prancing into his picture-perfect life on your dumb burner account with evidence that his long-time girlfriend is cheating on him… with your boyfriend.

as he gets tangled in your chaotic plan to get back at your adulterous partners, he begins to wonder if this growing discomfort in his chest was ever even heartbreak to begin with, or if it’s something entirely new to him—something that has the ability to eat him alive from the inside out.

♫ get him back! olivia rodrigo ⟡ hot girl bummer blackbear ⟡ lackin’ denise julia ⟡ is this love xg ⟡ why can’t i? liz phair pairing: joshua x fem!reader cw: strong language, mentions of/implied sexual activity tags: strangers to partners-in-crime to partners-PERIOD, joshua pov, pining, he fell first AND harder hehe, a few smau bits but mostly writing, no smut, inspired by get him back! by miss rodrigo, basically john tucker must die except joshua is sophia bush hehe iykyk a/n: this was a request for jealous!shua and i’m laughing bc i started responding to this anon and said i was going to just answer with bullet points bc if i didn’t, this would turn into a whole thing. and here we are anyway… with a whole thing lol. i know he doesn't seem super jealous here, but consider the joshua x jealous arc a slow burn haha. anyway, enjoy this teaser!

dividers by cafekitsune! cover by yours truly!

joshua's phone pings, and it’s one message from you, just a little over 24 hours since your last message went ignored.

he glances down and feels his stomach turn.

i have evidence.

an hour later, joshua and jeonghan are sprawled across the latter’s living room. when they’d seen your message, both of them had quickly and wordlessly vacated the cafe they were holed up in, gotten to jeonghan’s apartment frighteningly fast, and rifled through the series of messages you sent—all of them photos you took of your boyfriend’s phone screen.

at first, joshua was just annoyed at how hard snapchat made it to read messages; most of the ones sent by whoever your boyfriend was were deleted. he was ready to wave you off and call your “evidence” a reach. but then, he got to more damning photos—photos he was vexed jeonghan got to see too.

because they just proved his know-it-all best friend right. mina was a fucking snake.

he’s shocked at the lengths they went to to be able to communicate with each other without being caught.

but perhaps the most damning piece of evidence of them all comes last: a photo of a woman’s naked back as she laid on her side in a bed—that wasn’t joshua’s or mina’s—away from the camera. it could’ve been anyone. the small tattoo at the base of her neck told joshua exactly who it was.

“so what now?” jeonghan asks, both of them still starfished on the floor and staring at the ceiling after spending several minutes furiously swiping and cussing at his screen. “let’s fill all her shampoo bottles with hair remover,” he answers his own question before joshua can even open his mouth. “oh! or we can follow her around, inevitably find this dude, and kidnap him! i’m sure this y/n person will appreciate that too!”

joshua doesn’t bother entertaining his best friend with a proper response, choosing to ignore the suggestions altogether. his mind is racing a mile a minute, trying to find the point in his relationship mina might have started straying away. has it been happening the entire time? or did she recently decide joshua wasn’t fulfilling her needs to her liking?

“… his car and it’ll probably break down and explode at some point later that week?”

he frowns, realizing jeonghan has been suggesting ridiculous things they can do to mina and your boyfriend the entire time he was contemplating his relationship. it’s his first time getting cheated on, but he isn’t surprised at his best friend’s reaction to it. he’s more surprised when silence blankets over them for several long seconds before jeonghan asks:

“are you okay?” he sighs. “i know that’s a dumb question to ask. you’re obviously not going to be okay after finding out your girlfriend cheated on you.”

his frown deepens at that. it’s a fair statement. he always imagined this kind of thing would throw him into some kind of jealous rage—emotions he’s not really familiar with. rage like yours.

he wonders if he had been the one to find out about this, would he have had a meltdown the way you did? make a burner account and find you to tell you the way you did? try to find someone to commiserate with—even if it’s a stranger—the way you did?

no, probably not. he was telling the truth when he told you that all he would do is break up with mina.

and he’s incredibly confused to find that, contrary to what jeonghan is saying, he feels very okay with that. he can’t really imagine caring enough to do anything more, and he doesn’t know why. shouldn’t he care more?

if you and jeonghan were wrong about him loving mina the way he was so convinced you were, why didn’t he care more?

“joshua,” jeonghan reaches over and pokes his shoulder. “speak. you’re scaring me.”

he snorts. “i’m fine.”

“okay…” he responds slowly. “so still in shock?”

“no, i really think i’m fine,” joshua says, shaking his head at the ceiling. “i feel… normal. i guess just confused about when and why she decided to cheat.”

“you did nothing wrong. she’s just a conniving, slutty ingrate who doesn’t know that she’s throwing away the most decent man in the universe,” he assures him. “which brings me back to my initial question. what should we do now to punish said conniving, slutty ingrate?”

joshua sighs. “we’re not doing anything. i am breaking up with her as soon as she gets off work.”

jeonghan perks up, rolling over onto his stomach and crawling to him until his head appears in his line of vision. his best friend has a shit-eating smile on his face that makes him instinctively roll his eyes.

“can i be there?”

he knows he should say no. it’s an absurd request and it shouldn’t even take joshua more than a second to answer. but as he thinks about it, jeonghan continuing to smile at him like a little devil on his shoulder, he thinks it might be nice to have him there and shame mina for cheating in a way he knows he doesn’t really care to do himself.

he shrugs. “sure, why not?”

jeonghan squeals with delight, scrambling to get up. “come on, we have to make sure you look smoking hot so it hurts her twice as bad. you can borrow my leather pants.”

“leather?!” joshua repeats. “it’s the middle of summer!”

joshua texted mina to let her know he wanted to talk to her after work and he would be dropping by. she told him several times that tonight wasn’t a great time and insisted they wait until tomorrow, but he couldn’t bring himself to give a shit about her convenience, so here he is, with jeonghan practically vibrating with excitement at his side, standing outside her apartment building.

“i still think you should’ve worn the leather pants,” his best friend says, “but you look killer. she’s gonna shit herself.”

joshua recoils at the idea but thanks him anyway.

“ready?”

he sighs. “yeah, i guess. ready as i’ll—oof!”

he stumbles a few steps and right into jeonghan as someone violently shoves him, continuing to push and slap at both him and his best friend until they’re several steps away from the entrance to mina’s apartment.

“what the—”

“and what the hell are you doing here?!” a female voice shrieks.

he wants to yell at this stranger for putting her hands on him. he wants to tell her to have some manners and to get away from him. at the very least, he wants to glare at her until she shrivels up in shame and scurries away. but all ideas of even attempting to do any of that die as soon as he lays eyes on the stranger.

your instagram photos don’t really do you justice. your photos were well-taken and curated perfectly for your profile, but now that you were—for some weird reason—standing in front of joshua and jeonghan, he can confidently call your photos dirty liars. he can’t blame them, though. he has a feeling no camera in the world can capture how pretty you actually are in real life.

prettier than anyone i’ve ever dated, his intrusive thoughts remind him. prettier than mina.

“well?!” you screech when neither of them answer you, making them both flinch. you don’t notice your effect on them, though, because you’re busy frantically looking between them and the entrance of the building like you’re scared the three of you will be seen.

he knows jeonghan is thinking the same, exact thing he is because he is never rendered silent.

“i—uh,” joshua stammers for what he thinks might be the very first time in his life. “we…”

jeonghan glances at him, face twisted in amused confusion before he schools his expression and points his signature stunning smile at you. “you’re y/n! hi!”

“who the hell are you?” you turn back to them, cross your arms, and practically bark at him.

his best friend’s laugh is exaggerated and several decibels louder than it has any business being. it grates joshua’s nerves. he glares at him but jeonghan pays him no attention. “i like her,” he mutters to him before saying, “i’m jeonghan.”

“okay, jeonghan,” you spit his name like venom, obviously unimpressed, making him giggle.

joshua rolls his eyes at him and his increasing giddiness. his best friend doesn’t date often, but he shouldn’t be surprised that he enjoys this kind of vitriol. jeonghan is, at his core, attracted to the same chaos he himself is made of.

“what are you doing here?” you ask again, raising an eyebrow at joshua to make it clear you’re talking to him.

“i’m… here to break up,” he answers weakly. “with mina! i’m here to break up with… mina.”

he doesn’t know what’s come over him, but being confronted by you in person and unnervingly close in his vicinity has him forgetting how to properly communicate. the thought of blocking you was a lot easier when he had no idea if you were a real person. now, he feels like there’s no escaping you.

“what are you doing here?” jeonghan asks the question he forgets to return to you.

you ignore him, eyes staying trained on joshua as you speak, and something about you pretending like his best friend doesn’t exist forces him to fight down a smile.

“you’re not breaking up with her today,” you order him confidently, like you know saying it is enough for joshua to agree. if the way his palms start to sweat are any indication, you might be right. “she’s up there with siwoo.”

“who’s—”

“my boyfriend,” you answer before jeonghan can finish his question. “i followed him here when he told me he was getting drinks with coworkers.”

joshua’s stomach flips. he’s not really sure how anyone can even think about another person in your presence, let alone cheat on you. maybe your intensity scares siwoo, though. it definitely kind of scares him.

“you mean… they’re up there right now… and they’re probably…” jeonghan’s sentence trails off, but you’re you and you don’t shy away from finishing it.

“fucking?” you ask with a biting and sarcastic enthusiasm. “yeah, jeonghan! probably!”

joshua winces. your fury was already palpable via DMs, but it’s near suffocating in person. it grabs him by the neck and shoves his face back into the dilemma he was quietly contemplating back at jeonghan’s apartment: why isn’t he sharing the same anger? why isn't he doubled over, throwing up at the idea of mina having sex with someone up in her apartment at this very moment?

“are you hungry?” you ask joshua.

“what?” he asks dumbly.

“are. you. hungry?” you repeat, irritation laced in your voice.

“i am!” jeonghan announces.

you give him a blank stare before looking back at joshua. when he fails to say anything, you sigh, your temper appearing to deflate infinitesimally.

“they’re going to be a while,” you inform him like you’ve done this before. “there’s a fried chicken shop i like nearby.” okay, so you’ve definitely done this before. “we can eat and… talk, i guess.”

“we would love to talk. right, joshua?” jeonghan asks, pinching his side with more force than necessary. he fights to keep from jumping.

"sure," he finally agrees. "i could eat."

"thanks for ignoring me amidst my weekend-long menty b, by the way," you say sarcastically as you set down a pitcher of beer and three glasses next to the tray of friend chicken on the table.

"ment—?"

"mental breakdown," jeonghan whispers to him as he reaches to pluck a piece of fried chicken from the tray.

instead of depositing it on his own plate, he stretches across the table to put it on yours. joshua's eyes involuntarily narrow at the gesture. he doesn't realize he's glaring at his best friend until he speaks again.

"what?" he pouts at him but his eyes glint with mischief. "ladies first."

"thanks," you murmur, not-at-all sounding thankful. jeonghan snorts. "well? explain your rude behavior." he looks back over to you to find you sulking. you add more chicken to your plate even though you haven't touched the one jeonghan gave you.

"ah." joshua shakes his head. "i was just... not all the way convinced."

"and now?"

"now what?"

"i take it you're all the way convinced?" you clarify as you tear into your first piece of chicken like you haven't eaten in years. with a full mouth, you add: "i mean, i assume you are if you're here to break up with your girlfriend."

"uh... yeah..." he nods slowly, distracted.

joshua is often described by his friends as a gentleman—elegant even. with the exception of jeonghan and mingyu—the two people who know him best—he is always polite and accommodating. he's careful that his clothes are always pressed and lint-free. he always has good posture, and he does his best to remember his table etiquette, especially in the presence of elders. he tries to be buttoned up and put-together almost all of the time, sometimes even to his own detriment.

so staring at you, wiping soy garlic sauce off your mouth with the back of your hand and talking with your pieces of chewed up chicken tucked into one, puffy cheek, he should absolutely feel repulsed.

he frowns at you and knows it probably looks like he is repulsed by you. but really, he's just confused about why you look so endearing sitting there, eating like it pains you to while taking turns glaring at your drumstick and glaring at him and his best friend.

"hello?" you wave your saucy fingers in front of joshua's face. "is he always this... spacey?" you ask jeonghan without taking your eyes off him.

"i'm glad you asked! no," the man next to him answers—also through cheeks full of chicken. "i've actually never seen him this nerv—"

"sorry, what were you saying?" joshua interjects before everyone at this table, including him, has to face the fact that yes, he is very much nervous and he's unsure why.

you sigh as you wipe your fingers on a napkin. "what is it about me that men's eyes just begin to glaze over as soon as my mouth opens?" you complain, the signature rage joshua has come to expect from you in the one hour he's known you bubbling back to the surface.

his eyes widen in horror at the thought of you mistaking his fascination with disinterest. "oh! i didn't—no, i'm not—i—"

"what joshua is trying and failing miserably to say," jeonghan cuts in, sneaking him a look that screams get it together, "is that no one here is ignoring you. he's just... trying to process all of this. after all, you had all weekend to think about this, and he just realized you were telling the truth, what? two hours ago?"

you stare at jeonghan with the same unimpressed expression you’ve been forcing on him since you met him. after a moment, your gaze travels to joshua, and he gives you a meek smile. you finally hum in understanding.

“sorry, i know i’m projecting. i’m just all…” you wave your hand wildly near your temple to mimic a muddled brain. “siwoo has done a number on me.”

joshua finally gains enough composure to string a sentence together. “i’m sorry i ignored your messages… and blocked your burner account.” you cringe at that but nod an acceptance of his apology. “and i’m sorry i’m not fully present right now. jeonghan’s right.”

kind of. not really. he was processing your existence more than he was processing being cheated on, to be frank.

“i’m just… trying to understand what’s happening, i guess. for what it’s worth, i find it really unbelievable that anyone would ever cheat on you.”

he ignores the way jeonghan inhales deeply and slowly through his nose. only joshua would be able to tell it’s the equivalent of him scream-giggling and kicking his feet when he’s trying to be discreet.

your eyebrows rise like you’re shocked joshua is capable of more than grunts and one-word replies.

“ditto,” you say plainly. joshua can’t help the immediate laugh that escapes his mouth at that, and he’s pleased when you smile for the first time since you met. “mina seems dumb. and not just because she and siwoo are ruining my life. you’re very handsome. and if you blocking me on instagram so fast was any indication, you seem very loyal too.”

you say it easily, as if giving out compliments like that is no big deal to you. maybe it isn’t, but even if that’s true, he’s going to appreciate it nonetheless.

unfortunately, that appreciation manifests in a fierce blush joshua feels spreading across his face like wildfire, much to his mortification. he doesn’t remember the last time he blushed like a pathetic schoolboy with a crush. it was probably when he was an actual pathetic schoolboy with a crush.

he clears his throat, choosing to ignore the compliment. “yeah, i guess we have the same, bad taste in dummies.”

you suddenly groan, throw your head back, and blink rapidly at the ceiling like you're trying your best not to cry. both men glance at each other and fidget awkwardly at the abrupt change of mood, neither of them being great at handling a crying woman. joshua has little to no experience with it and jeonghan tends to fall back on ill-timed jokes during times of distress.

"i followed him here months ago," you tell them unprompted. “i followed him here so many times because he was always so fucking sketchy. but his lie always involved ‘one of the guys,’ so i just thought his friend lived in that building.”

“and you found out this weekend…?” jeonghan asks carefully. joshua rubs the back of his neck nervously.

you nod, squeezing your eyes shut briefly before bringing your line of sight back to them. your eyes are glassy but your efforts to keep from crying were mostly successful.

“he lent me his laptop because mine stopped working,” you explain, rolling your eyes like having a broken laptop on top of all this is almost enough to send you over the edge. “his texts are connected on there too. i was at a cafe with a friend, and one of those verification texts came through. i ignored it but a few seconds later, it messaged again and i saw that he’d replied on his phone.”

“he told her it was safe to text,” joshua says, remembering the photos you sent.

“yeah…” you breathe, hugging yourself tightly and rubbing your arms as you try to self-soothe. “and i just sat there in front of my friends, watching him make plans with her in real time… brainstorm the lies they agreed to tell us… and i just had to pretend to be normal or else i would’ve burned that cafe to the ground.”

jeonghan coughs as he chokes on his chicken a little. joshua pats him on the back absentmindedly, eyes never leaving you, even as his best friend stretches across him, still coughing, to pour everyone a glass of beer. you sniffle as you accept your glass with a small nod, your body visibly relaxing after the first sip. he tries not to gawk when you finish the entire glass in one go.

joshua thinks this is probably what someone in love should look like when their heart has been broken: drunk and sad. now that the initial shock of seeing you in person has worn off, he can see how tired you really look. there are dark, bruising circles under your eyes, visible even under your makeup, and your hair looks like it was haphazardly put up into a ponytail to avoid having to wash or brush it. your eyes are tinged pink, a little swollen, and dull, like you’ve been crying all weekend. you have been crying all weekend.

and joshua? he’s asking himself why he hasn’t felt the urge to cry at all yet because right now, he could be the poster child for soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend who is going to be okay has been okay, is okay, and will always be okay. aside from his irritation with mina and her insane audacity, today is like any other day.

he’s never had his heart broken before this, but maybe it’s just different for guys. he read somewhere that men’s emotional intelligence develops a lot slower than women’s; maybe he just hasn’t reached a level of maturity you have.

“anyway,” you say as you stifle a tiny burp that makes jeonghan giggle for the nth time tonight, “i’m going to ruin his life.”

okay, so maybe maturity is the wrong word.

“wh…” joshua glances at jeonghan for confirmation he heard correctly.

his best friend’s eyes are lit up with excitement as he leans forward with impossibly even more interest in what the pretty lady across the table has to say. joshua would slap him if they were alone. what for, he doesn’t know, but he would.

“sorry, what was that?” he asks, trying not to sound judgmental at the risk of setting your anger off again.

“she’s going to ruin his life,” jeonghan answers for you giddily. “what are you going to do? i told joshua he should fill mina’s shampoo bottle with hair remover.”

that earns the two men another smile from you, but this time joshua finds himself annoyed it was because of something jeonghan said.

“oh my god, that’s vile,” you say even though you’re grinning and obviously love the idea. “maybe i’ll add that as a little cherry on top for siwoo.”

“oh, he’ll be so ugly,” jeonghan claims like he’s already daydreaming about it.

“you don’t even know what he looks like,” joshua murmurs.

“i don’t need to,” he responds, smiling as he stares off into the distance. “a stupid motherfucker who can cheat on our lovely y/n here like that has to look like ass.”

you roll your eyes at the compliment but your cheeks turn a cute shade of pink anyway.

“well, making him bald will look like child’s play when i’m done with him,” you match jeonghan’s dreamy tone, and joshua feels a chill of fear from having the two of you at the same table crawl up his spine. why was he a magnet for agents of chaos?

“is that why you haven’t broken up?” he asks. “you’re scheming to ruin his life?”

you frown. “what makes you think we haven’t broken up?”

joshua shrugs. “maybe the fact that you followed him here and then shoved me and my best friend into next week to keep us from attracting any attention?”

jeonghan snickers and your cheeks turn a darker shade.

“ah, right.” you nod once. “sorry about that.” you don’t look sorry at all and joshua finds himself thinking it’s amusing. “i suppose that was a bit… rude.”

joshua hums like he’s contemplating your apology but he knows it’s clear he’s fighting a smile as he brings his beer to his lips.

you sigh. “anyway, yes. that’s why i’m still with him. he doesn’t even know i know. i’m trying to get my ducks in a row and figure out the most devastating way to leave him.”

jeonghan smirks. “my kind of girl.”

joshua’s foot finds his best friend’s and stomps on it as hard as he can without thinking twice about it. it almost shocks him—how much it felt like instinct—but after the day he’s had, he thinks he’s entitled to a bit of a tantrum. maybe this is how he is when his heart is broken. a little mean.

“ow, what the fu—”

“so what’s the plan?” joshua asks loudly when your eyes snap up to jeonghan mid-sip over the glass of your beer.

you lick your lips clean of foam before setting the glass down, and joshua forces himself to look away when he notices how plump and pink they are.

“well, to be honest… i haven’t been the smartest,” you admit, seeming timid for the first time since you barged into his DMs. it’s an odd look on you. “i—um. i kind of rely on him… financially.”

the explanation comes tumbling past your lips after that like you’re afraid the two of them are going to judge you if you allow even a second of silence to pass.

“i had a job! i had a great job! but siwoo’s a bit traditional, and he comes from a more conservative family that really buys into gender roles, and i mean, fuck that, right?”

you give them no chance to agree.

“i’m a feminist! i swear to god i’m a fucking feminist!” you’re practically shouting now and the two men are so stunned, they can’t bring themselves to notice or care that the other patrons of the restaurant are starting to look over. “but i was in love! and i thought i was going to marry this moron! so i convinced myself i wanted to stay home and i wanted to clean the house and take care of a man—”

you say the word with so much disgust, both joshua and jeonghan struggle to keep from laughing.

“—and he was so happy when i quit my job like he’s been asking me to, and i thought i was happy too, like, what woman doesn’t want to be taken care of by a rich man?!”

you pause to burp briefly but it still isn’t enough time for either of them to get a word in.

“though again, i was in love! i was looking at that shithead through rose-tinted glasses! he’s nothing but a spoiled mama’s boy with a rich family! that asshole doesn’t have to do anything for the wealth he has! so now it's, like, what woman wants to be fake-taken-care-of by a 30-something-year-old mama’s boy?!”

the words come with even more disgust than “man.”

“and he had the nerve to act like he was better than me because i had to make everything i had before i met him! like, dude. if your bank account is still connected to your fucking mom’s, lower your goddamn voice when speaking to me!”

his best friend’s mouth drops open in absolute joy-filled shock at your biting remark. he’s enjoying meeting someone as chaotic as he is too much.

“and what was it for?! empty promises that he would propose soon?! endless faked orgasms for a man who’s afraid to give a woman head?!”

jeonghan chokes again, this time on nothing. joshua has more decorum but he can’t help the way his face turns bright red.

“you’d swear i was harboring a monster down there the way he cringed at the mere mention of oral, like, what is he, 12?!”

joshua has to avert his eyes to the ceiling of the restaurant at the mention of your “monster,” and he can’t even get it together long enough to nudge jeonghan when he bursts into hysterical laughter. they might as well be nonexistent, though, because you keep barreling through your rant.

“i was on track to be a director before 30! i was a fucking star! and look what he made me!” you screech, words slurring.

it takes your slurred speech and yet another burp for joshua to realize with mild horror that the pitcher of beer is almost empty, and that he and jeonghan are still on their first glasses. he elbows his best friend, who’s still cackling, and motions at the pitcher. jeonghan sighs happily as the last of his laughter leaves him and mutters a quiet: holy shit, pretty aggretsuko can drink.

“he turned me into a housewife without even making me a wife! and let me remind you: I AM A FEMINIST!” you slam your palms against the table with each word to punctuate your point. joshua can see why you picked aggretsuko for your burner account. “i support a woman’s choice to be a housewife if that’s what she wants, but my dumb ass didn’t realize that this isn’t the life i wanted until this fucking weekend! god!” you groan miserably. “all of this heartache and for what?! he cheated on me and now i’m jobless and about to be homeless and completely broke, and i…”

you seem to abruptly run out of steam, slumping in your seat and looking at your near-empty glass of beer pitifully. joshua has the urge to round the table and give you a hug, but he stays put, trying to process the whiplash of witnessing what he imagines is a mini “menty b.”

you take a few breaths before quietly saying, “i can’t believe this is what being in love got me.”

something violently lurches inside joshua’s chest when you say that.

“i can’t believe something that’s supposed to be as beautiful as love blinded me so badly.” your voice cracks. your eyes well with tears and this time, you make no move to stop them as they begin to streak your face. “how the hell can love hurt this much?”

joshua’s mouth falls open to say something—anything. any kind of comfort or kindness or advice. but no sound escapes his lips as he watches your heart break into tiny, little pieces in front of him.

he’ll look back at this moment and realize this was the first time his heart learned something he, himself, didn't know yet: what he had with mina wasn’t love—that maybe, he had actually never even been in love before. there’s no world where mina would ever have the kind of effect siwoo has on you on him, and there isn't anything mina can do that would make joshua scorn the concept of love because it's something he never even experienced with her.

but for now, all he can think is that, despite barely knowing you and despite being somewhat afraid of you, he has an insatiable want to fix this for you. he wants you to stop crying. he wants to see the rare smiles they were gifted tonight on your face once more. most of all, he wants to make the man who made you cry sorry for ever entering your life.

the words are out of his mouth before he can think twice about them.

“i’ll help you.” you immediately stop crying and look up at him with wide eyes. “i’ll help you ruin this idiot’s life. and when the two of us are through with him, i promise you he’ll be afraid to breathe within a 10-mile vicinity of you.”

[dexxtrosee]

In the middle of the night

Michael "Robby" Robinavitch x reader

TW: mentions of canon violent mass event, panic attack.

He doesn’t talk to you about it.

Days pass and pass, and then they turn into weeks. More patients come, more patients die, more patients live. Jake doesn’t talk to him, Leah's parents invite him to the funeral. Still, he doesn’t tell you about any of it, aside from shaking his head when you ask when Jake's coming over again. It was on the news, he's not stupid enough to think you have no clue about what he went through, you just don't know how bad it was.

You don’t know any of it from his own mouth, and still, it bothers him when you don’t seem even slightly surprised every time he wakes you up with his nightmares and his crying. You just let him hide his face on your neck, let him clutch your body against his while the sobs wreck him. You push his hair back, kiss his forehead, wait until he's calm enough to manhandle him back to lying down. He falls asleep to your fingers tracing the lines of his face more often than not.

One particularly bad night, he manages to wake himself up in silence, petrified. You don’t seem to notice at first, breath soft and slow, still sleeping. He can’t move, can’t make a single sound. His chest feels tight, his head is drowning in screams and sobs and people telling him he's not good enough.

The bed feels too soft, his shirt is choking him. Why couldn't he save them? Why is he even fucking trying? Fuck, he can't breathe. Adamson died on his watch, he made him suffer through a horrible, long death because he couldn't let go. And everyone had to watch him do it again with Leah, cling to an impossible task while docens of people needed him and she was already fucking dead. Fuck, fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck-

"Robby. Hey, Robby, look at me. Open your eyes love, come on."

Your voice makes him jump. He realizes for the first time he's hyperventilating now, squeezing his eyes shut.

God, he feels pathetic for putting you through this again and again. You're gonna end up leaving him, he's sure. He's too much and too little at the same time, more baggage than man. He can’t keep doing this to you, he can't, he can't he can't-

"Robby, open your eyes."

He feels you grab his arms and pull him into a sitting position. His entire body breaks into shivers, his heart trying its best to burst out of his chest.

"Robby, open your eyes."

When he finally does, he doesn’t like the concern plastered over your features. He pushes you away slightly, bending to the side.

"I-I think I'm gonna be sick."

You don’t seem to listen to him, instead jumping over the blankets until you're kneeling by his side. You push his head back with the heel of your hand, and he closes his eyes again. He doesn’t think he can handle your worry right now.

A balloon stretches inside his throat. His hands fly to clutch at his neck, but your hand grips them both and pushes them down until they're pressed against his legs. You're seeing right through him, right into all the things he's tried hiding from you ever since he met you.

He doesn’t want it to reach you.

"Robby, I think my lip is bleeding. Can you take a look at it?"

Your question freezes him on the spot. Did he accidentally hit you? Oh fuck, fuck-

"I bit my lip too hard earlier today, I was sewing up my green sweater and got lost in my head. It's the one you gave me, remember? The knitted one."

Robby frowns, squeezing your hand tighter. The green one? The one he got in Philly after your third date?

"The one you say feels too rough unles you're wearing it."

Ah, Robby remembers that one. It felt itchy, he asked about it when he gave it to you and you put it on right there. Then you had shaken your head and smiled, telling him it was softer on the inside.

"Open your eyes, babe."

Slowly, he does. You're bent in front of him, and there's a small speck of blood close to the edge of your mouth.

He raises his hand, cleaning it up with shaky fingers. It doesn’t really help, just spreads it over your lower lip and paints it a faint red. It makes him chuckle, but the sound resembles an animal in agony.

Out of nowhere, he feels something cold and metallic press against his neck. He gasps, unintentionally pulling you closer.

You let him. You shuffle closer until you're kneeling between his legs, and he wraps his arms around you. His face is wet, his entire body feels weak, made of paper.

"Where did you even get that sweater from? You may need to buy me a new one if I can’t save this one."

It was a local, old shop. The owner was an older man, running the store on his own, if he had to guess. Full of old furniture, the kind that lasts generations.

"I-I can try and h-help you mend it."

Your chest shakes slightly against his, laughing. He buries his head on your shoulder. "Sure you can, doc."

Minutes pass. Your hand tangles inside his hair, the other caressing his back up and down. Your warmth seeps into his clothes, his body, relaxing it until he feels he can barely stay upright.

You kiss his cheek, his temble, his shoulder. He can’t really help it when he bursts into tears.

"Take a deep breath, it’s okay. I'm right here."

His sobs rock the entire bed. He wishes he could hug you close enough to merge his soul with yours.

"It's okay love, you can let it out."

In the middle of the night, with the other half of his soul wrapped around his, he finally does.

[azure-enechelon]

I love you Acele: the organized crime refugee, survivor of violence, always on party drugs, the teenage girl hanging out with adult men because there's no better option, who makes weird conceptual sound art even after her boyfriend sells most of her equipment, who gets screamed at by a cop and decides to give him therapy, who somehow still thinks people are sweet.

I love you Cindy: the homeless artist squatting in the coalroom, who does massive street art challenging the occupation, belongs to a famously violent gang but likes people too much to go around stabbing most of them, and terrorizes the rich lady into leaving her block.

I love you Soona: the antisocial programmer, who loses her job and her dream and dedicates herself to finding out why, worries about the unemployed writers, moves her professional-grade computer into a busted-up old church to run science experiments, who lets the homeless ravers move into the church with her so she can use their sound equipment, who makes the ravers listen to her thoughts about elves.

I love you Billie: the working-class woman with an alcoholic husband, who shrugs off intrusive questions and accepts a hug for the sake of the working class, who tells the weird intrusive cop that he isn't a fuckupatoo after all, who sewed a blue lining into her husband's ratty old jacket to keep him warm.

I love you Lilienne: the single mom who survives selling fish to rich people she'll never see, who carries a sword around, who sees a cop that reminds her of her dead alcoholic husband and takes the time to be kind to him when she doesn't have to be.

I love you Isobel: the old washerwoman who has stayed when all her children and neighbors have left, who takes in the drifters and strays who pass through the village, who won't give them up to the cops even when they find a bullet in her spare room, who calls the cop a dark omen but also lets him stay for free.

I love you Elizabeth: the local girl who went off the law school and came back a firebreathing socialist, who can stop the head of the local gang in his tracks just by saying his name, who never concedes an inch to the cops, who will try to reason with armed mercenaries and put her life on the line to protect her people. Who will run the union one day if she lives.

I love you Neha: the dicemaker who bounced back from the death of her first dream, who makes dice into art objects (the cursed die!!!), who remembers all the failed businesses and weirdos, who knows how precarious the world can be, but moved into the most cursed building in Martenaise and made a corner of it into somewhere cozy, sunlight, and safe.

I love you women of Martenaise: you live in the ruins, one of the worst neighborhoods in an occupied city, the beachhead that no one ever bothered to rebuild. You live in grinding poverty, where every government and school of thought has failed even more than they have in the rest of the city. You refuse to let Harry intimidate you, but (some of) you help him anyway—not because he's a cop, but because he's a man who has hit rock bottom, and you all know what that's like. Some of you fight for causes and some of you make art and some of you care for your families, and all of you give what little you can spare to make your community just a little bit better.

[prettiest-thing-in-the-morgue]

WEEPING WILLOW

summary: alternative universe where die young reader lived and actually met her siblings yet still she meets her end even in another universe.

Time never stops, nor does the world yet, whenever I peer back at your picture name , I feel like time has for you. You still look youthful , still vibrant as if the world's cruelties haven't touched you yet. Haven't gutted you out and left you for nothing.

For the first time in twelve years, I visited that tree you were so insistent on seeing that day . It's an old willow that overlooks a sea - straight out of a picture book like the ones you always read before you sleep.

Home doesn't feel like home anymore name , not without you here anymore . It feels empty and cold without you. Big brother Dick has yet to visit Gotham , his last visit was your own funeral.

Your other older brother Jason started getting violent again every patrol , he beats up criminals so bloody they practically flee. Tim hasn't said much , he's been so quiet, and he just floats around now . Damian took your death the hardest .

He sleeps in your bed every night , wailing to himself about it. Barbra and Stephanie are trying to keep the family afloat, but they know deep down we're cracking. Duke stopped playing hockey - he says it feels so wrong to not when your not there to throw the puck back at him.

Alfred started back drinking and smoking - we hear him in dead of night sobbing and pleading for you to come back home. Bruce stopped living - he barely eats , sleeps , he barely does anything . Every day, he visits your grave , flowers in hand, and just wails about everything.

Again, the willow tree on that hill just sways to the beat of the calm breeze , as if time doesn't affect it. No one would ever understand why on that Sunday you went to that willow tree alone .

No one would understand why you hugged us all so hard before you had set off . No one will ever understand why your body was found laying on the bark of the tree so lifeless and cold .

We will never understand why you choose to go by yourself - why not go with us around you. Uncle Clark told Bruce, " Name was always a kind child , she didn't want you all to have the last memory of her to be sad sad." Your dad punched him in the face - he had argued , " my child didn't have to go through death by herself!" .

We would never know why - it's not like you're here anymore to tell us to comfort us. Long gone with the Friday nights, we all stayed up past 4 A.M. , all ganging up on Bruce and Tim in monopoly, Dick always quick to tackle Tim to the floor because he swears he robbed him of $100.

Gone were the days we'd all make bets if Damian was going to walk in with a new stray to his name and watch him and Bruce go back and forth on it. It feels like yesterday when Barbra , Steph and Cass took you to sephora and convinced you to buy that one overpriced lipstick. It's still sat on your nightstand idly.

Gone were the late nights , Jason and you would have snuck out late to drive around Gotham on his motorbike and stop by Dairy Queen. Gone were the quiet evenings spent with you and Tim building a castle on ya'lls minecraft base.

Gone were the days you and Damian would argue when you would both try to build legoes and would fail miserably . Alfred misses the times where you use to join him in attempting to cook - god knows the evidence of your attempt to fry an egg is still stuck on the ceiling.

Bruce misses your hugs the most - you were the only child he had that actively hugged him, and he missed the way how after patrols you always made him hot chocolate .

Nothing feels right - never will because you're not here . It feels wrong to walk these halls, knowing you would have walked them too . It's weird living knowing you could have been living - breathing along with them.

It feels like no matter what universe we have you in , you always leave, and it always hurts. Why must in every universe you leave us behind ? Why must every other universe does God have to take you away ?

Why must in every universe we always mourn you ? It hurts - it hurts so much to watch your body be covered in soil . No one talks about how you practically hold your breath when you see your loved one go down in that grave as if - by some miracle, they'd open their eyes and jolt out the grave. It sounds so ridiculous, but they'd never get that desperation of wanting that loved one to be alive.

It hurts when we hear about the rumors - the rumors that you killed yourself ? That you went to the willow tree to end your life ? Bruce had practically went raging mad that evening when he got word - that same night, the entire PR team got to work into suing those persons.

Some suspected you got possessed because you had sold your sold your soul off - that's why you hugged us all before you left - you didn't want the demon to follow the family back home. It was a stupid rumor going around in school, and Damian had practically beat the shit out of the senior who started it.

Some said we abused you - that had Alfred cursing them out because how dare they - you were loved in this family and still very much loved even though you are long gone.

No one would know , not even we will - all we know was one Sunday evening . Dinner was being set up when Bruce got a call from Comissioner Gordon , " Two passerbys reported seeing your daughter laid unresponsive atop Willow Hills" .

Bruce dropped everything in that moment and immediately bolted to that willow tree , the others running behind him . He didn't wanna believe it - wants to believe you're just asleep - had just accidentally dozed off and lost track of time because there was no way in hell his 15 year old daughter is dead.

When the others reached him , they just saw him embracing you and crying his heart out . You were long gone , had long passed away without them, and none of them knew how to handle that reality .

We miss you name , please come home , we need you back .

▬▬ Wayne Family

Taglist ▬▬

@itsmossy @sugarrush-blush @shirp-collector-of-fixations @anteroz @cxcilla @shynerdtriumph @amber-content @azulesworld @1abi @crazycaoticsimp

ty for reading <3

[lukie17]

Another Lover

Xavier

Who would prefer to see you with?

Honestly. No one, he will rather die but if you chose to love someone else then I think he would pick up Zayne. He had seen other man around you, how they made sure to invade your personal space and try to act lovely lovely with you, but not Zayne. Unless you look closely then people would notice that you and Zayne are a couple. That is something that he can live on, he can just ignore and and pretend that his heart is not dying. He knows Zayne would treat you well from what all he had hear from your interactions with him, and Xavier had to admit that the doctor kept his boundaries with you. So, if you ever broken up or you had chose to love another, Zayne would hurt the less.

Who would kill him to see you with?

Caleb. The man is practically all over you, invading every space of you, like a black hole wanting to consume everything about you. Xavier could never allow himself to be in the same room as Caleb and you, if you were a couple, because he could not hide his jealousy. If Caleb and you were a couple then he would ask to be transferred to some other place, hoping that spring will come and kill him.

Zayne

Who would prefer you to see you with?

Caleb. Zayne understands and knows why. He had seen your light go off when Caleb died but when you told him about Caleb being alive, he had seen you light up again. Zayne could see the sparkle in your eyes again, the same sparkle that made him fall in love with you. It's only natural for the two of you being together so he accepts it. At least Zayne can keep your eyes and smile in his life.

Who would kill him to see you with?

Rafayel. Zayne had seen how this man throw a private birthday party just for the two of you. He was taking a stroll on the beach when he saw from a far how he had ravished you with gifts and love. How the man always bragged about you and filled you with kisses. The artist was always open on his affections with you, something Zayne could not do. Zayne could never made your face light like that or be so affectionate, and it kills Zayne. If he had only tried then you will be on his arms.

Sylus

Who would prefer you to see you with?

No one. He would rather die, but if he had to chose then he would prefer the doctor. Zayne is always open and honest with you. Sylus had seen the little act of services he did for you. He had seen the way struggle to show affection bu the doctor found ways to love you in silence. He had seen the way he hold you and watch you through Mephisto. And if he had to admit it, the doctor was a skillful fighter, because why in the world a doctor was able to take down a Level S wanderer? Sylus knew the doctor would bleed to death for you.

Who would kill him to see you with?

I was torn between Zayne and Caleb. Sylus thinks that you deserve to be loved like a parade. To be lavished in affection, but then I thought about Caleb made more sense. You always pointed at Sylus and his morals, his lifestyle and the dangers within in, but you had chosen to be blind when it came to the Colonel? Why him? At least Sylus was upfront with you, Caleb hid things from you and you knew it, yet you always were at his beg and call even if you didn't know it. It was like watching two dogs fighting each other, and Sylus was not willing to see that.

Caleb

Who would prefer you to see you with?

Xavier. I give it a thought and I think Caleb would rather see you with Xavier. The hunter is not involved in something shady, not that you are aware of, and he protects you at all times. Even when you are not looking. Caleb had seen Xavier take a blow and act as if nothing happened when the two of you were on a mission. Prioritizing your safety before his. He had also seen Xavier took down people who were following you or targeting you, and you never knew. Xavier only shows you the good side of him. Something Caleb can relate to. Xavier makes sure to keep you in a shinny world while he takes care of the rest. Though he thinks that Xavier needs cooking lessons or else you would die.

Who would kill him to see you with?

Sylus. Caleb has spend all of his life trying to protect you and shield you from all possible harm and you chose to run to the side of the one of the most wanted man of Linkon? Caleb doesn't care that he treats you well, nor cares for the gifts he gives you. He even gives a damn about how he is powerful to protect you. The only thing Caleb can picture is you with a red ribbon with a target on you. Caleb event went so far to fight Sylus, tried to bargain and get ride of him. There is the artist, there is the hunter and even Zayne! Please chose anyone else but not th one who will give him a heart attack.

[womanofwords]

Frozen Heart (Part 6)

TW: hospitals, descriptions of injuries.

Jason was the next to visit you, striding in all businesslike. How cute.

"Y/N, I need to know everything that happened," he said, taking a seat near your bed. "I need the names of the people that beat you, and the names of everyone that ever even looked at you the wrong way. It's important. I need to know."

You stared at him with confusion and disgust, like he was a dog turd that peeled itself off the back of your shoe and started telling you its life story. "What?" you croaked.

"I want to know about you and your life. Let's start with school. Who do you hang out with? What do other kids call you? When did all this bullying start?"

You rolled your eyes. What a poser. He was so invested after the all-important thing had happened. "Why are you asking me this?" you asked.

"Because . . . it's . . . important," Jason said, talking slowly as if you were really stupid, a little kid, or a really stupid little kid.

"Jason, I don't have brain damage. I have multiple broken bones, cracked ribs, suffered from hypothermia, and there was some internal bleeding, but no brain damage." Every injury you listed made your hardened big brother jump.

"Oh." Jason looked sheepish now, looking down at his combat boots.

Time to really twist the knife. "And you're wrong. It's not important, what just happened to me. It's trivial compared to the suffering you've gone through and see other people go through all the time. This is the mildly unlucky story of a kid who got whatever they wanted except school popularity. I live a good life, except for this part, of course." You pointed at the door. "You don't need to be here. You can leave my room and find a room with someone that is actually suffering. That won't be difficult; it is a hospital, after all."

Jason slunk out of your room, wanting to die. You didn't believe you were important to him, to anybody. What a heartbreaking revelation. He'd written you off as a spoiled brat with no issues, and he'd openly wished that you'd get some real problems to humble you a little and just shut up a little. And now you had lots of real problems and weren't talking to him at all, just when he really wanted you to.

Talk about being careful what you wished for.

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Taglist: @tinybrie, @bunniotomia, @kittzu, @justwannabecat, @exactlynumberonekryptonite, @vanessa-boo, @jscrawls, @sirenetheblogger.

[lucky13cat]

Frank is just settling back into the Pitt. He's been there a good few months now after everything (rehab, the separation, Fourth of July shift back from hell, the divorce in that order). He's got routines now. He's less edgy, and everyone around him is starting to rebuild their relationships with him.

Mel is a godsend. She'd visited him in rehab, visited him after when he was still trying to convince Robby and the hospital to take him back, and she'd stuck by him since he came back. She's probably his best friend.

Which is why he is the worst person alive because he's 99% sure he's in love with her. Just totally gone for her.

No one has noticed is the thing. Frank's not sure how he was acting before this worldview shattering revelation hit him, but clearly, he'd been acting besotted the entire time. Meaning no one noticed when he notices!

It's good. He's good. He's not going to act on his feelings. Not because of Mel. No. She's amazing, and she definitely deserves way better than a divorced addict who barely managed to keep his job and career. He's going to keep all of his romantic feelings locked down in his chest, and then hopefully, one day, he'd die (yeah, his therapist is doing their best with him). It's fine. He's good.

He is so good, in fact, that he doesn't even lose his mind when on Christmas Eve Mel's fiance comes into the ED.

Ex-fiance, technically. But semantics and all that. At one point, the guy getting blood all over his ten thousand dollar suit was going to marry Mel, and judging by the wonderstruck look in his eyes, he's still in love with her. Frank wants to go scream on the roof.

Ex-fiance had gotten into a car accident heading back to his hotel or something, the details mattered less and less in Frank's mind as the revelations kept knocking him over the head, and Frank now had the dubious honor of plucking all of the glass from his face and arm. A task that normally Mel would take over with a bright gleam in her eye. Except the moment Mel had caught sight of her ex and heard him call her name, she'd vanished. Poof, gone. Leaving Frank to sit here picking out glass and trying very hard not to snap at the man for asking a thousand questions about Mel.

What feels like every person who works at PTMC stops by to see Mel's ex. Even Garcia shows up when Frank definitely did not request a consult. She pats his shoulder before leaving, something she'd never done not even the time she'd visited him in rehab. Frank's will to live keeps decreasing.

Finally, Frank is released from his torture, sorry his task, and he can go find Mel. He finds her in the ambulance bay mouthing along to a Megan Thee Stallion song and shaking in a way that had nothing to do with the freezing cold wind blowing through.

He sits down next to her trying to share body heat. To keep both of them from getting frostbite, obviously. (Obviously.) He doesn't ask any questions. He just sits with her, and very slowly, the shaking stops. Mel opens her mouth, and the whole story floods out.

She'd met Patrick in her third year of undergrad. He'd been a fourth year about to graduate and head off to law school. When he'd gotten into the law school connected to the college, they'd moved in together. Her mom had still been alive and taking care of Becca. Mel had said this with the same delicate voice she always used when she spoke of her mother. Frank wrapped his arm around her shoulders and resisted the urge to press a kiss to her temple.

Patrick was sweet. He was from Connecticut but had gone south for school. He'd asked her to marry him a month after she'd graduated undergrad. The plan was for him to finish up law school, work a bit, and then they'd get married before Mel started her third year of med school. They'd had a summer date all picked out and everything.

Just after her first year ended, Mel's mom died.

Everything had changed. Mel was now balancing being Becca's primary caretaker with school. Patrick kept pushing the wedding, thinking she needed a distraction. Which had been the opposite of helpful. Pretty soon it just became all too much. Mel had broken down four months before the wedding. Given back the ring and blocked Patrick's number when he just kept calling and calling and calling. She'd buried herself in school and taking care of Becca ever since. And now, Patrick was here, dragging everything back up.

By the time, Mel's gotten her whole story out, Frank's pretty sure they've gone well past their union mandated break, but since no one's come to find them and their pagers have been quiet, he doesn't care.

Frank's also pretty sure offering to kick Patrick out of the ED with some made-up excuse about harassment wouldn't help, but he still tucks the idea away with all of the other urges he talks through with his hospital mandated therapist. He does offer Mel comfort, though, and by the end of it, she's smiling again. A win for him, really.

At some point, they do head back inside because they're definitely needed and definitely going to get hypothermia if they stay outside any longer. Frank squeezes her hand before they separate.

When Robby comes by to check in like he does whenever someone informs him that Frank is acting especially annoyed and manic, Frank forces a very neutral expression on his face and tells him he just needed some air before checking on his patients. Judging by the lines on Robby's face, he doesn't believe Frank, but both of them get back to work without actually talking about the problem.

He checks on Patrick because they'd gotten his CT results back, but they were still waiting on one or two more tests before they could discharge. Then a pile up on one of the bridges sends the Pitt into chaos, and he forgets about Patrick until the last of the patients gets sent up to surgery. He'd been bouncing between patients brain far too busy to focus on anything but helping.

Frank catches sight of Mel speaking to Patrick about an hour later. She's twisting her hands in front of her chest, clearly uncomfortable. Frank resists the urge to walk over and ask for her help on another case, any case really. Just an excuse to get her to stop looking so upset. He shakes his head. He's her friend, and as much as he loves her (is desperately in love with her), he can't fight all of her battles for her, nor would she appreciate it if he tried.

Their shift draws closer and closer to an end, and Frank finally puts together Patrick's discharge papers. Mel goes with him, and he doesn't say anything even though this isn't technically her patient. Closure is important, and Mel deserves it.

There's a woman standing at Patrick's side. Blonde hair, similar height to Mel. Pretty in an intellectual way he guesses. She's holding his hand speaking to him softly.

Frank inserts himself into the conversation then very abruptly bringing up the discharge papers. Patrick and the blonde woman, his girlfriend apparently, leave, but not before he says something very quietly to Mel that has her eyes going as wide as Frank's ever seen them. Frank is definitely not wondering with his entire mind, body, and soul what he said. Nope.

The pair leave. Mel and Frank stand next to each other. Mel's worrying at her nails in the way Frank knows means she's deep in thought about something. Robby starts walking towards them only to be waylaid by Collins and Dana.

Mel opens her mouth and asks if Frank would like to go on a date with her.

[jumalanpelko]

How does Mesi feel about Suncat still being Alice. Like- her suncat lived a painful sad short life. She rolls back up into the cult after like a year of being gone and same old yellow Suncat is still alive after like 3 years

Mesi has always been very cold and distant torwards Suncat since shes so traumaticed, sees Viima in her and feels the god she is starting to have mixed feelings about.

When Suncat didnt die Mesi was too deep into her own pain to care or even really notice but when she comes back from Where She wont go and Suncat is still alive. Yeah I think there is this little "why not Viima" feeling. But there are bigger issues

But still Mesi has no ill will torwards Suncat. They dont really know each other or anything and Mesi knows that she is just another cat trapped with the thing that killed Viima.

Also I think that after this page Guard was OFFENDED LIKE WHAT DO YOU MEAN "SURE"????

[youremyheaven]

The Scarcity Mindset & Repellence of Mars Influenced Individuals

I get a lot of questions about how Venus is "internally corrosive and externally pleasant" whereas the opposite is true for Mars.

Mars is "externally corrosive" and internally pleasant. What does this mean? Let's dig into it

Mars is a planet that is associated with asymmetry and ugliness.

All Mars ruled nakshatras belong to the Vaishya caste. Vaishya caste is in the middle of the caste hierarchy. They have to earn their keep in society. They don't enjoy the benefits of being upper caste like the Brahmin or Kshatriya naks and they're not outcaste or the lowest caste either, so there's no solidarity there. Being in the middle of the ladder means that you can lose your position or status in society at any time. You worked hard to get where you are and you weren't handed things on a platter like the Brahmin or Kshatriya caste naks, you don't benefit from the privilege of being born into a certain family or background.

However, unlike the Shudra or Mleccha caste naks, you haven't been "othered" by society. So you still enjoy a place *in* society but you have a deep resentment of elites and elitism and anybody above you on the ladder because you feel like they're all super fake and ignorant and you have experienced some amount of bitterness bc while you seem to fit in among people like them externally, you don't feel like you're internally sophisticated enough to be around people like them. This deep resentment and insecurity is a defining Mars trait.

Mars ruled individuals lack refinement externally and they have never known what its like to have "enough" so no matter how much wealth they accumulate or how much they achieve, they still inherently feel "less than" others. This does not prevent them from being cocky or confident or brash, their external demeanour may seem fine unless you put them in situations that specifically trigger them. i have known several Martian individuals, men and women, who are highly educated, well travelled, from families that are doing good but who still for whatever reason, never ACTED like it. I dont mean to say they were humble or modest because they weren't. But they were always a bit insecure about...really random stuff. A guy who made crores would complain about how expensive soup was and how he grew up eating rice and curry like a regular Indian guy and isn't used to all this "fancy" stuff. Mind you, he attended an uber rich private ELITE boys boarding school that several politicians and actors went to and RODE HORSES (fancy rich ppl stuff??) throughout his growing up years but he feels awkward having soup??? bc its suddenly too posh for him???

ive had another friend who once said she's never had french toast. like girl you've lived in multiple countries and have a schengen visa, why are you acting like a french toast is gonna break you 😭😭

this is what i mean when i say Martians lack refinement. they dont know how to behave normally or fit in with the rest of society. they could be MILES ahead of everyone in terms of career, success, wealth etc but they do not know how to physically act like it. it could be the way they dress, behave, carry themselves etc but they lack grace and social charisma. people look down on them because of it. they have a huge victim mindset and have never in their life gotten over ANYTHING. they hold grudges till the day they die. they're so fragile and sensitive, they will REMEMBER shit forever. they cannot LET GO or MOVE ON.

they think they're the outcast and that people can sense that about them and hence why they're treated the way they are but little do they realise that theyre stuck in these feedback loops of their own creation. THEY act weird and insecure and cause others to frown at them and they feel alienated as a result of it. They're just doing it to themselves.

Sandra Bullock, Dhanishta Moon & Mrigashira stellium

Idk how many of you have watched the Miss Congeniality movies but its a classic "ugly duckling" type of film. The unrefined, ill-mannered and socially awkward Martian woman, played by Sandra is transformed into a pageant contestant.

If you watch the film, you'll know what I mean by Martians lacking social grace. Forget manners and the way they dress, but even the things they say and how they say it is soooo crass and uncouth.

They're blunt to a fault. They do not know how to say things in a polite manner and are casually cruel in the name of being honest. Like they will be rude asf for no reason or ask really invasive questions. The sociopath guy I dated casually asked me how often I groomed myself 🤡🤡and I had known him for less than a week (yuck). Another Martian would casually ask me about my mom (who is schizophrenic and ill) despite knowing that its a deeply triggering topic for me.

Martians lack tact. And this is their biggest failing.

One of the best examples of a quintessential Martian man is Dr Gregory House from the show House, played by Mrigashira Sun & Mercury native, Hugh Laurie

Dr House is a piece of shit, a complete jackass, narcissist and extremely arrogant and rude. Arrogance is another defining trait of Martian men.

Kanye West, Mrigashira Sun

Do I really need to explain?

Kanye is known for how he lacks any and all sense of social courtesy and speaks his mind when he really probably should just stfu. Also, total narcissist

His daughter, North West, Mrigashira stellium (Sun/Jupiter/Rising) is also really blunt and straightforward even though she's just a kid.

Take a look at this clip and you'll know what I'm talking about

Sacha Baron Cohen, Chitra Sun & Mercury, Mars in Dhanishta

The kind of comedy that Cohen employs where he brutally makes fun of everyone in a way that is straight up crass, rude, insensitive and extremely offensive is very Mars coded

Usher, Chitra Sun, recently went viral for acting like a complete asshat. He made the doorman open the door for him even though he could just open it himself. One thing about Martians is that they are extremely entitled.

Martian men are also extremely "pseudo Nice Guys". They know how to ACT like a green flag and say all the right things and behave like they care about others/are feminists but they don't have a bone of decency in their system.

Justin Baldoni, Chitra Moon (he's also a Shravana Sun which explains his manipulative tendencies)

He really sold himself as the Mr Nice Guy feminist liberal before being exposed as a piece of shit

Cole Sprouse, Chitra Moon

He's another one of the pseudo nice guys, except Cole is also very pretentious, entitled and full of himself. He represents the repellence of Martian people because he's so thoroughly unlikeable.

Ashton Kutcher, Dhanishta Moon

He is friends with two known rapists (Diddy & Danny Masterson) he may have killed his ex girlfriend and covered up his crime (pls look it up, its absolutely insane). And he runs a company that is supposed to help victims of child trafficking but given the context, could potentially be a front to cover up something. The man is SHADY as hell.

Also, like I said Martians have no manners and are very unkempt, messy and squalid. They are GROSS and disgusting (obviously not everyone, so dont come for me)

His wife Mila Kunis, controversially said:

"I didn’t have hot water growing up as a child so I didn’t shower very much anyway, I wasn’t that parent that bathed my newborns, ever,”

Kutcher further said:

“If you can see the dirt on them, clean them, otherwise, there’s no point.”

Kutcher said he does wash his “armpits and my crotch daily and nothing else ever,” and has a tendency to “throw some water on my face after a workout to get all the salts out.”

NASTY if you ask me

Anderson Paak- Dhanishta Moon

Again he presents himself as a "nice guy" but he was a chronic cheater and is divorced from his wife of 13 years, Jae Lin. He even sings about it EWW

The Weeknd, Dhanishta Sun

His entire character and the whole show of The Idol is very Mars men coded (ew)

He only sings about abusing drugs and ruining relationships and its getting old but thats as Martian as it can get

Eminem- Chitra Sun, Dhanishta Moon

I mean..this is pretty self explanatory. He disses and roasts EVERYONE. He is blunt AF and will NOT hesitate.

Conan O'Brien- Dhanishta Moon

Unsurprisingly, a lot of standup comedians are Martian. I haven't heard anything problematic about Conan but the man is honest as hell

Jesse Tyler Ferguson- Chitra Sun

I absolutely adore his character on Modern Family and he's the meaner, more blunt and "honest" of the characters but he's still not a bad guy (probably bc he's a fictional character and written to be charming)

Jason Segel- Dhanishta Moon

His character on Shrinking is very Mars coded.

David Duchovny- Dhanishta Moon

His character on Californication is also peak Mars

Venusians are internally corrosive which means they can be absolutely horrible people who don't care if you live or die (extreme) or privately battling their demons but on the outside they are pleasant, gracious, a joy to be around and very likeable.

Martians are the OPPOSITE. They might save your ass and help you out when the time comes and have good intentions at heart but outwardly they COULD have disgusting mannerisms, be very crass, rude, unlikeable, unhygienic, unkempt etc. This is because of many factors, such as Mars being the soldier and them always having a survival mindset and thus unable to really indulge in or enjoy anything. It could also be because they're lower caste nakshatras, sitting at the bottom of the hierarchy and always feeling like the outcast.

To all my Martian girlies, I hope you know that you are ENOUGH as you are. You don't have to feel like you've got to save everything for a rainy day and that it's okay to indulge every once in a while.

[boreal-sea]

This episode was wonderful because it was honestly a no-win situation. DS9 has a lot of Kobiyashi Maru moments for its characters and this was absolutely Kira’s.

The fact is, he was going to die if he stayed. The fact is, the moon was going to be used to help thousands of people. The fact is, dozens of people had been living on that moon and had to leave their homes. The fact is, that old man was traumatized from the war. The fact is, he could make a new home back on Bajor. The fact is, he didn’t want to — fear, trauma, exhaustion, stubbornness, there are so many reasons why he thought leaving that moon would cause his death.

So what’s the “right” choice? Force the Bajoran government to murder him in his home? Force the Bajoran government to hold off on the project, which would mean thousands of people wouldn’t benefit from it, until an old man dies on his own? Force him to leave with the hope he’s able to recover and continue his life on Bajor?

Every choice is awful. Kira chose the one that she hoped did the most good and the least harm. She forced him to leave, so that thousands could benefit. She didn’t want him to die, and the only way to try to save him was to force him out. He felt he’d die if forced to go back to Bajor, but that’s not necessarily true, and Kira knew that. He WOULD die on that moon if she left him; the government was not going to delay their project. He MIGHT die (from grief, trauma, etc) if forced from his home, but!! He might live, too. That choice will be up to him. Kira can’t control what he does once he’s on Bajor. She accepts she’ll be the villain in this man’s life, but that’s HARD.

And Sisko confronts her about how awful that feeling is. He doesn’t baby her about it either because Kira isn’t the kind of person who copes or learns gently; she appreciates frankness and blunt honesty. So Sisko tells it like it is, shows her why she’s feeling so much sympathy for this man, and then forces her to contend with her new position as a leader, as someone with actual power over the lives of others. As someone who isn’t an underdog anymore.

I just think it’s a really good episode.

I feel like we don't talk about the fact Kira burned down an old man's house enough.

[quietstardust]

𝑺𝒕𝒐𝒑 𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒂𝒓𝒆. - 𝑆𝑦𝑙𝑢𝑠 𝑠𝑖𝑐𝑘 𝑑𝑎𝑦

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

𝘈 𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘵 𝘧𝘭𝘶𝘧𝘧 𝘧𝘪𝘤 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘚𝘺𝘭𝘶𝘴 𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘩𝘪𝘮

⚊˙𓄿 𝗣𝗔𝗜𝗥𝗜𝗡𝗚𝗦: 𝘚𝘺𝘭𝘶𝘴 𝘹 𝘔𝘊

⚊˙𓄿 𝗚𝗘𝗡𝗥𝗘: 𝘍𝘭𝘶𝘧𝘧

⚊˙𓄿 𝗪𝗢𝗥𝗟𝗗 𝗖𝗢𝗨𝗡𝗧: 754

⚊˙𓄿 𝗔/𝗡: 𝘢𝘢𝘢𝘢... 𝘐 𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘢 𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘐 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘵𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴.. 𝘐 𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘳.. 𝘞𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘚𝘺𝘭𝘶𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘥 ಥ_ಥ 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘐 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘨𝘶𝘺𝘴 𝘦𝘯𝘫𝘰𝘺𝘦𝘥

You walk into the living room and find him on the couch, arms crossed and eyes closed, looking as if he's been through an ordeal. At first glance, it looks like he’s trying to nap, but there’s that slight flush on his cheeks and the faint rasp to his voice when he speaks.

"You're late," he mutters, not even bothering to open his eyes. “Didn’t think you cared enough to check in.”

You fold your arms, raising an eyebrow "The twins told me you were dying. I had to see for myself."

Sylus opens one eye, glancing at you with a sly smirk. “Dying? Please. They are over exaggerating also I’m far too good-looking to die this young. But if you’re here to bring me something to eat, I won’t turn you down.”

You stare at him for a moment, unimpressed. "You're barely sitting up, and you're making jokes?"

He shrugs, acting like he’s not even remotely fazed. "I’m fine. Just need some rest, that’s all. Can’t help it if the world doesn’t appreciate my charm when I’m a little under the weather."

"Under the weather?" You walk closer, watching him carefully. “You look like you’re on your last leg.”

"Drama queen," he teases, voice a little rougher than usual, but he doesn’t sound particularly concerned about it. “It’s just a cold. I’ve been through worse.”

You lean down to check his forehead, only to pull back when you feel how hot he is. “Uh, no. You’re burning up. I don’t think you’re fine.”

Sylus gives you that signature smirk, but it’s more half-hearted now, and his hand curls around the blanket tighter. “Of course I’m fine. I’m always fine. Just... don’t tell anyone I’m sick, alright? My image would be ruined.”

You roll your eyes, not buying it for a second. “Right, your perfect image. You’re literally sweating through the blankets.”

"Maybe I am. But it’s nothing I can’t handle," he says, voice lowering as he leans back into the couch, eyes shutting again. “I’ve been through worse, kitten. You don’t need to baby me.”

You sit next to him, crossing your arms. “It’s hard not to baby you when you’re acting like this. You look ridiculous.”

He lets out a short laugh, his eyes opening briefly to give you a lazy, teasing look. “Ridiculous? I’m just trying to give you a chance to show me how much you care.”

You raise an eyebrow. “Oh, so this is your way of getting attention?”

“Of course,” he replies with a sly smile. “Who wouldn’t want attention when they look this good, even when they’re sick?”

You give him a flat look. “Right. Because you’re a real sight right now.”

Sylus smirks, but his usual cocky confidence is wavering slightly. He shifts on the couch, leaning closer to you, and for a brief moment, he looks almost too comfortable with the proximity.

“Alright, alright,” he mutters, his tone losing some of its usual sharpness. “Maybe I’m not at my best. But I’m still too good for you to resist.”

You raise an eyebrow, half-amused. “You’re lucky I’m not going anywhere. You’d be in trouble if I actually left you to wallow in self-pity.”

“Don’t act like you’d leave me,” he teases, the usual smugness coming back. “Where else would you go? The most interesting thing happening today is me.”

You can’t help but chuckle. “You’re a pain in the ass, Sylus.”

He grins, the mischievous glint in his eyes still there. “I know. That’s why you love me.”

You sit quietly for a moment, watching him, and while he’s still holding up that confident facade, there’s a softening in the way he watches you. He’s letting you stay close, not pushing you away.

“You’re not as tough as you think you are, you know,” you say softly, keeping the teasing tone light.

“Maybe not,” he admits, though it’s almost under his breath. He shifts again, now much more casually, leaning his head against the couch, his eyes half-lidded. “But I’m still Sylus. No matter how sick I am.”

You smile to yourself and sit next to him, not saying anything else. He’s stubborn as hell, but you know better than to push him too hard.

This version sticks to Sylus’s playful and cocky nature. He's teasing, not showing vulnerability upfront, and is reluctant to admit he's genuinely feeling bad, but it’s clear he does want you close. He may not admit it, but you’re not leaving, and deep down, he’s kind of grateful for that.

Side note: ╥﹏╥

[arandomao3user]

Gonna project a bit (lot) here through incorrect quotes! One moment! :)

—

Dick: Huh... You do have your Dad's laugh.

Stephanie, who has heard this way to many times, punching him in the face: F#-% YOU! YOUR PARENTS PROBABLY LET GO ON PURPOSE!

Stephanie, storming off:

Dick, holding his bloody nose: ???????

Tim, following a few steps behind: So, was there a reason for—

Stephanie: You have no idea how hard it is to constantly be reminded that the man who ruined your life gave it to you! That he made you just to ruin you and then all you have left till you die is the permanent brand that is his smile, his laugh, his hair, his everything! It makes living feel like a crime, but I doubt you'd get that!

Stephanie, leaving:

Tim:

—

Stephanie: I used to be afraid he'd show you, y'know? Just, break outta jail and show up... Or get out of jail and show up.

Cassandra: Why?

Stephanie: He was scary, he... Is scary. My old man, he... I was always scared he'd just show up and take me away forever. Some days my Mom would keep me in her room when he broke out, she loved him, was obsessed with him, and yet... I think that's how I knew I should be afraid. Because she knew how dangerous he was. What he could do, and what he would...

Cassandra, wrapping an arm around her: You're safe now.

Stephanie: Thanks... I wish my brain agreed.

—

Stephanie: Dear diary, I stopped smiling with teeth, only close lipped smiles. Why, you may ask? Well... I got tired of hearing how my Dad and I got the same smile, the same teeth, nobody says the same when it's a closed lip smile...

Stephanie: Huh, I wrote this six years ago. I guess that's... Why I stopped toothy grins and open mouthed smiles..?

Stephanie: I... Don't think I'll be stopping.

—

Bruce: That is exactly something Cluemaster would've done Stephanie!

Stephanie:

Stephanie, promptly smashing his face with a brick:

—

Stephanie: I think one of the worst feelings is knowing that my Dad did worse, and got away with it. He commits a crime and he's a bad guy, I don't follow a single rule and suddenly I'm just like him, gonna end up like him...

Stephanie: Everyone always pities the men, because they're "struggling" or "had a bad childhood" but what about their daughters?

Stephanie: "The sins of the Father are visited upon the sons."

Stephanie: . . . The daughter is just one of the Father's sins, I guess.

—

[dumbkiri]

𝐂𝐋𝐎𝐀𝐊 𝐎𝐅 𝐒𝐇𝐀𝐃𝐎𝐖𝐒 6

χα∂єη яισяѕση χ ƒ! мαιяι! яєα∂єя

ρℓσт: your vision of death haunts your dreams and the more you sleep, the more you see and feel. getting closer to the event, you know that xaden has something to do with your sacrifice. his choice between you and violet will either kill you or save you. and you don't know which choice leads to you living.

ησтє: again the timeline is different from FW and I need to change some things to fit you (our lovely mc) into the story that literally involves a romantic relationship between Xaden and Violet.

also! I don't know whether to make MC still have a complicated relationship with xaden or have her fall in love with another male in FW (bodhi, ridoc, brennan, etc) seriously there are a lot of males to choose from. so I'm leaving the choice to you, my readers! it's your story!

also since Amber Mavis signet isnt really a thing, I gave her an OP one, but girlie is dead soooooooo doesnt matter anymore

NOT PROOFREAD! WILL BE MISTAKES! LOOKING FOR BETA READERS! MESSAGE ME IF INTERESTED!!!

down.

down.

down you go. 

Fall and fall until your breath is gone. Only then will you ascend to be the daughter you were meant to be. A crown of light and a cloak of darkness is your fate to carry the rest to their gates. Maiden of the Moon, you are the daughter that tames the tidal waves. 

down.

down.

down you go. 

……

The moon. 

It’s always the moon that greets you it seems. With its blue gaze on your falling body, the slow motion of it all devours your aching wounds and swallows you inch by inch. You watched your kunai in your weak grasp painted in blood with a feeling of pride. Then regretfully your digits release it, your only weapon discarded in the sky as you begin to fall faster. 

The [f.color] kunai waved its goodbye to you and a tear left your eyes. Your choice of weapon has always been a dagger, and this unique one allowed you to use it as it was meant to be and as a fidget. You could spin your kunai with your finger while you study, spin it while you ranted to Imogen or while flights on Lenin took longer than usual. You remember Sloane begging for one of your kunais saying that they looked cool. 

You promised her that you would give her one when she proved her worth at Basgaith and bonded to a dragon. But you can’t do that now. They’re going to burn everything you owned, from your drawings, to your wooden figurines and now your daggers. 

You’re still falling? You thought that right about now, your body would have smacked into branches or trees. Maybe even a lake. Yet you felt your body freeze in the cold. Stagnant. Unmoving. 

Then your body jerked and you resumed your descent. All of this, your surroundings and your feelings felt familiar in an eerie sense. You’ve seen this before. When Bodhi accompanied you in your room. When you woke up crying in Xaden’s arms telling him how you died. 

You know this feeling all too well. The dread in your stomach and the wind whipping at your body. This is when you die and you know your heroic death scares you. Yet you knew why you threw yourself into danger and you closed yourself out. 

What was the danger, [Name]? What was the cause of your fall? What was Liam doing?

Xaden’s voice demanded answers and now this time you can find them. For now, he knocked you out of your acceptance. Here you are investigating your death and the cause of it. 

You forced the fear at the back of your mind, taking in your surroundings and watching the vision play. You willed yourself to pay attention to every detail despite this scene playing out your death. 

Someone is yelling your name. No, multiple people are. You can hear their voices carry in the raging storm, from females to males, to your own dragon. 

 Lightning streaks the sky in a rhythm you couldn’t follow. Uncontrolled. Right. It’s raining, actually pouring like a catastrophic storm and you took notice that you didn’t wear your flight goggles. It explains how your vision wasn’t actually smeared with rain drops. Just…fading out. 

You can hear the sounds of dragon roars and other roars that sounded similar but deeper in their throat. In the light the moon provided and the lightning striking across the sky, it was a full on battle in the skies. No sight of gryphons. 

They are out of the equation. Yet because of their lack of involvement, a chill ran down your spine. The sound of a wyvern and their screeching venin calling you out with a word that sounded like…witch.  

Move your body. Will your mind move your body if you keep yelling at yourself?

“Dagger!” 

You felt your heavy eyes watch the moon, too occupied with the feeling it gave you. A sense of completeness. Then the ghostly women and their whispers came back. Rushing in your ears, chanting their wicked words reminding you that you were going to die. 

down. down. down you go. 

Your story is over and your body started to feel numb with the cold rain that splattered against your exhausted figure. The danger…it’s still ongoing. You killed one. You know you did, yet another one lived. All that mattered was going after the one that went after your brother.

Liam. 

You sacrificed yourself to save him. What is the danger? Why the battle? Is it an exercise that went deadly? Or perhaps a mission that went south? Fuck, everything is all blurred in your head. The feelings of you experiencing the vision and the you of the vision confused you. 

It’s wyvern and venin. The you in the vision confirmed that for you. It’s not a training exercise, it’s not war games. It’s not a mission gone south. The two versions of you, the present and the future felt different from one another. 

The you now…you weren’t ready to die. You wanted to ignore this possibility. You wanted to live and see the plans Xaden had succeeded. You didn’t want to leave your siblings behind or leave your devoted dragon alone on the battlefield. 

But the you in the vision knew something about Xaden. Even the mention of him made the Vision you seethe with her teeth clenched tightly. Is it because she was mad at the ill attempt Liam made to save Violet. 

Violet. Now you know why Liam was in danger. Because of the bodyguard task Xaden gave Liam, your brother tried to help her. You stepped in to save him while he saved her from the present danger. 

“Dagger, wake up!”

You have to see if your sacrifice was in vain or not. You have to know that you died saving your brother. Your stomach twisted with a pain you couldn’t yet comprehend although that jolt of the unknown feeling made your eyes open wide. Then with your last strength to keep them open you saw a red dragon fly above you, with your cloak falling off of it like a blanket caught in the wind. 

“[Name]! Hang on!” Liam shouted above you and he seemed okay. 

He’s okay. Alive and well. 

You smiled in relief, feeling blood rise in the back of your throat and coughed it out with painful breaths. Liam is alive. Sloane won’t be stuck with you. She’ll have him next year, leading her through all the obstacles and trials of being a rider. 

“Dagger, wake up!” 

You can’t. Not even if you wanted to. Your body relaxed with the last of its energy leaving you and you knew this was your time. All of it spent to see Liam and Deigh safe and sound. You did your job. You protected your brother with your signet, allowed him and Deigh to escape the…escape what…what was the danger? 

Hmm…whatever it was….you don’t want to think about it. All you wanted to do was close your eyes and sleep. Yes, you welcomed sleep as the moon held you in its sad gaze. 

Your only hope is that your brother remembers you as the sister who loved him enough to sacrifice herself for him. Not as the sister who cursed at him or hated him at their last conversation together. Because he wasn’t to blame for your anger. 

No, you had to give credit where credit was due. 

…….

“[Name], I need you to open your eyes.” 

Xaden, voice strained and desperate, rubbed his thumb over the back of your hand. His gentle touch and his disheartened tone woke you out of your vision. Although you didn’t wake as easily as you thought you would. You groaned in your bed and tried to move your lips, but your body felt so stiff. You couldn’t even will your eyes to open.

At your discomfort, you felt Xaden clench your hand in his and his other hand caressed your face. “Hey, I’m here with you,” He encouraged, focusing on the furrow of your brows and tense jaw, “and you’re here with me. You have to relax, you’re not in danger.” 

You can still feel the sensation of falling. You hadn’t stopped falling yet. Liam. Remember me. 

“Remem…” Your eyes squeezed tighter, “Remember..me.” 

“I’m here with you,” Xaden repeated, his hand moving from your face down to your shoulder to shake you lightly. “Open your eyes, [Name]. I haven’t seen them in a week. Please let me know that you’re okay.” 

A week. 

“Dagger, take your time.” Lenin softly hummed in your head and his voice gave you the comfort you needed so badly. He was still here. Along with Xaden. You have to tell him what you saw. 

But you can feel sleep coming for you again, the unknown women’s voices singing all around you in their ghostly whispers. 

“Vision,” You mustered out, “Death. Me.”

“The same vision?” Xaden questioned and you squeezed his hand back for a yes. “Can you tell me what happened? A battle? Enemies? Anything.”

“Liam tries to save Vi…” 

Suddenly, you stopped speaking. Like someone sewed your mouth shut and you heard the women getting louder. A coldness hovered over your body and you let it embrace you. It wiped away the warmth from Xaden, muffled his words of encouragement. 

Your whole body relaxes, the grip you had on Xaden loosening up. Sleep has taken you in her hold again making you relive the vision in its entirety this time. 

……

VIOLET’S POV

“How is Lenin doing today?” 

“What do you think?” Tairn replied with annoyance thrumming in my head, his voice deeper in his agitation. 

“Sorry for asking all the time, but I’m concerned. [Name] has been in this coma for months. Xaden and the rest are more broody than normal and don’t get me started on Dain.” I focused on the spinning dagger on my finger watching it move smoothly and lethally. Well not in my hands, in [Name]’s hands this dagger moved like it had been an extension of her. She flicked this dagger with precise movements allowing it to spin on her finger, her knuckles or her bouncing knee. 

“Lenin sleeps all day!” Andarna added with her childish voice ringing in my head. And a quiet chuckle left my lips because this feathertail could tell me anything. Things Tairn obviously wanted my knowledge of it nonexistent. Although I could not ask about her. What Dain did to her. What Liam is going through worrying about his older sister. Saying he should have been hanging out with her more. Train with her. 

Then there was Xaden. My heart plummeted to my stomach seeing how he was holding up. Which is barely. He stuck to the shadows more often than not and visited her with Nolon any chance he got. Xaden spoke to Sgaeyl more than he did to his actual friends and team. Drifting off in his conversations with her and probably having her relay what Lenin knows, if anything at all. 

When Xaden came back, holding an unconscious [Name] close to his chest with his eyes searching for Nolon and healers, I could tell something had been terribly wrong. Even Lenin’s humming echoed throughout the flight field for days haunted my dreams. A man waiting for his…girlfriend to come back to him. A dragon waiting patiently for his rider to wake up from her dreams.  

“But he said she woke up for a bit. He’s trying his best to balance her.” Andarna chirped up. And I knew her hopefulness came from either Sgaeyl or Tairn. Getting the younger dragon not to worry about her sibling made more sense. Yet if Lenin truly did sleep for months just like his rider, he must be deteriorating in health. Neglecting his hunts isn’t something [Name] would want for her dragon. 

“Tairn, what does Andarna mean by that?” I ask. 

Tairn huffed, “It means she needs to stop bothering her brother. Cloak is dreaming, Silver One. It’s what you humans do when you sleep.” Yeah, he wasn’t wrong about that. I pushed the dream I had of Xaden and I to the back of my mind, drowning it in a pit. There is nothing going on between Xaden and I. Maybe just a bit, but with [Name]’s unexpected coma and the future trouble it brings to the Marked Ones…we haven’t actually spent any time together. 

“Well then, how are you and Sgaeyl doing? I haven’t felt…anything from you guys in a while.” 

“Our son is in a deep slumber and you think we’d engage in any sort of intimacy with one another while he suffers in his silence?” 

“Right. I-I don’t know why I asked that.”

“If you want Shadow to see you then make it happen. Don’t taint what I do with my mate with your ideas.” 

Then Tairn was gone. That was super embarrassing because that’s not at all what I intended to come out of the conversation. But he is right. Why would Sgaeyl, hopelessly protective of her son, want to have sex with her partner when her boy was suffering? In his silence, said Tairn. Lenin is keeping his parents out of the loop. This dragon wasn’t going to share anything with his parents until he had the full story. 

Then again [Name] has missed so much. She’s so out of the loop, I’m not sure I can tell her everything, especially Liam’s near death experience.  From Jack Barlowe kicking my ass, to me saving Liam then killing Jack for the whole fight. Channeling my signet. Liam channeling his signet. I missed her training me, I miss her glares and her insults. And the rare occasions when she would smile at me. I stared at the kunai with slouched shoulders and sighed loudly. 

“I need to apologize to her. If anything happens to her…I need to get this off my shoulders.” 

This meaning the blame I put on her for letting the unbonded in my room. The way I had her friends question her motives. 

I grabbed my flight jacket and stormed out of my room with quick and light steps. Surely Nolon will allow me to visit [Name] at this time. My boots barely made any noise on the steps leading to [Name]’s room. After months of monitoring her, Nolon gave the okay that she could rest in her room. Some people had access to her room while others were strictly forbidden to go near, like Dain and the unbonded. 

I kept close to the shadows on the wall, ignoring the light that came from the moon outside. Then when I found her room, I hurried over to the door and walked right in. Earlier in the months, when Nolon allowed [Name] to rest in her room, Xaden warded the room to certain people. Luckily, he accepted me as a trusted friend of [Name]’s. 

Her mage light flicked on right when I shut the door behind me and I sighed in relief. Her room always brought a sense of belonging for some reason. Like there was this constant safety blanket over me. Definitely not her cloak because that always washed over me like cold water. 

I slipped my jacket off and settled it down on a chair with a huff. Then I brought my attention to her sleeping peacefully in her dreams. She was covered in multiple blankets, her head surrounded by pillows. I’m assuming Imogen sleeps on the floor sometimes with those extras. Which means I better make my visit quick. Any of them could walk in and check in on her. 

I sat myself on the chair next to her bed and sucked in a deep breath. Come on, she’s sleeping. It’s better to do this than tell her when she’s actually awake. Go, Violet. Say it. 

“I’m sorry for making you suffer like this,” It’s the first thing that comes to mind. 

“I know that bonding to Tairn seemed impossible, like how everyone told you that bonding to Lenin was a crazy idea. They both weren’t supposed to choose us somehow. But they did anyway. You trained all your life to become a dragon rider, to live another day. I wanted to be like my father, a scribe. And now, here I am speaking to one of the most badass females I ever met in my life.”

Fuck, where am I going with this?

“I never wanted to be a rider, but when Tairn chose me. I don’t know, I felt like I proved everyone wrong. Like how you prove to everyone that you are a lethal rider with one of the biggest dragons. So I wanted to be like you. I wanted to fight like you, speak like you with confidence. To have a powerful signet. To have his attention like you.” 

Maybe I shouldn’t say that last part. My feelings for Xaden have to be kept to myself. 

“Anyways, I came here to apologize to you. I know you don’t remember, but when I bonded to Tairn I became a target. One night, someone let unbonded riders into my room hoping that they’ll kill me. I saw them for a brief moment like a shimmer when the rest attacked me. Xaden was the first to help me and when he questioned me with Garrick and Bodhi by his side, I let my words slip.”

Yeah, here it goes. The whole story. The truth and my guilt. 

“I told him that the person who let these unbonded in my room had a shimmer around their body. Like a cloak. That’s when he snapped at me, telling me that you would never do that to him. That your jealousy couldn’t have been that petty to put his life in danger. And I said that I saw the cloaked person leave like nothing. Bodhi tried to make sense of it, but Xaden’s fury was unmatched to any reason. He told them to meet you at your door after they woke up Imogen. He didn’t care about being seen with them, more than three because he needed to know. I saw the hurt in his eyes and I- I watched them leave after he made sure I was okay.” 

[Name] didn’t even stir at the information I decided to dump on her. No reaction to her peaceful expression. No twitch of her fingers or toes. Just the steady rise and fall of her chest. 

“Turns out, it wasn’t you. Imogen told us that your cloak doesn’t shimmer. Not after all the hard work you did to make it invisible to the eye. So with further investigation, Xaden and the rest pinned the blame on Amber Mavis after seeing her use your signet for her own gain. Her signet allowed her to copy others and she chose yours.”

I moved my eyes to her lips which parted with soft breaths leaving it. 

“She died. And you asked Imogen to erase your memories. Because your friends trusted me more than they did you. They trusted a word of an outsider more than the ones that left your mouth and you are technically family to them. I wanted to apologize way earlier, but Lenin had other plans. Imogen and Bodhi told me that you would refuse to teach me anything if you knew the truth. So I kept my mouth shut.” 

I reached out to her uncovered hand and held it in my own. Is it bad to say that I missed when she would grab my hand and flip me around on the sparring mat? I need her back to keep me going, to teach me everything she can. 

A groan snapped me out of my trance and I looked up in surprise to see [Name]’s eyes flutter open. For second, her [e.color] eyes changed to lilac. The pretty purples looking around her room then shutting them again. When she opened her eyes again they were back to [e.color]. 

“Vi…Violet?” She sounded confused and her grip on my hand tightened. 

“[Name], are you…are you really awake?” I asked dumbfoundedly, perhaps thinking I was in some kind of dream too. 

“I think I am,” She said in a whisper, not believing that she was either, “How long was I out for?” 

How should I let her down easy? I hummed and said quietly, matching her volume, “Well in two days is the Reunification Day. Uh, it’s been months, but don’t worry you didn’t miss a lot.” 

“Alright then,” [Name] calmly responded and released my hand. I was expecting a harsher or more dramatic response, but she seemed withdrawn. I don’t think I was the first person she wanted to wake up to. 

“I can get Xaden for you, he’s been waiting for you to wake up ever since the challenge with Dain and that other third year.” I say, hoping to get her out of her bed or to get more of a reaction from her. Instead she looks at me with tired eyes and says, “I’ll be alright. I’m going to sleep some more.” 

“No!” I shouted and jumped up from my seat, “What happened to you? You know you can tell me anything, right? I promise I can get Xaden here in a second. He really wants to know that you’re okay.” 

Quickly I reach out to Xaden, closing my eyes tightly and searching for him, “She’s awake! You have to get here quickly!” 

“I’m on my way! What has she said?” Xaden responded instantly, his voice sending shivers down my spine. 

“Nothing, but she wants to sleep some more!” 

“Keep her awake, Violence!” He ordered. The nickname, I haven’t heard him call me that in some time now. 

I opened my eyes and felt creeped out by how intensely she was staring at me. Then [Name] sighed, turning her back on me. She pulled her blankets higher, up to her shoulders and snuggled into her pillows. 

“Don’t worry, Violence,” [Name] said almost in a mocking way, “I will wake tomorrow. I’m almost done seeing how everything turns out.” 

Then she closed her eyes and fell right back to sleep. But I stood in my place absolutely dumbfounded by her choice of words. Violence. Seeing how everything turns out. Her words seemed to ring with truth, not some kind of joke. Or the delirious waking of her coma. 

[Name] Mairi is going to wake up tomorrow. And she’ll know how everything will turn out. 

“Tairn, how is Lenin doing now?” I asked and three beats of silence went by before I got my answer. 

“He’s waking up with a few changes to his appearance.” 

Great, now I need to know how this happened. 

..............................

𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐠𝐞𝐝 𝐫𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬:

@luvly-writer @blueeclipsepaperstudent @honethatty12 @poeticbookwormcat @cheappremingerfromdelululand @eep500 @littlepippilongstocking @86laura11 @lxnvmvrzx @what-will-be-your-verse @sheblogs @fangirling-galore @callsigns-haze @side-angel @faeofthemoonandstars @jesschalamet @abysshaven @bisexualbitchsgotass @books-hlmc @r0sluvs @galaxystern08 @bwormie @littleemissperfecttt @lagrandeourse @steph-fowlie

if I missed anyone, please let me know! Send me a DM or something because I lose your names in all the activity! Making me go fishing for y'all

[waynes-multiverse]

FINALLY!!!! Diving right in 🤓

He shook himself off like a dog and pulled off his baseball cap.

That description made me snort because it’s so fucking fitting for this guy 😂👌

And seriously, this dude can’t take a fucking hint to literally save his life. Jesus… Bro, she ain’t that into you. Get the memo. The way he kept calling her baby and didn’t pick up how fucking weird that is, is soooo delusional. I actually think he needs mental help at this point 🙈

Anyways, can’t wait to see you go, Cujo!!

“How are you going to kill him?” you asked after a moment.

“Bag over the head. He’s passed out. He wouldn’t even feel it. Are you sure that’s what-”

Okay, I might need mental help too. This should not have turned me on 😂😂 (But I’m self-aware, so we’re good???)

On a serious note, her history with Cujo is horrifying. What a fucking creep. Slipping pills into drinks of underage girls? Yeah, he deserves to die, and I totally get why she’d wanna do it. I always thought the most fitting punishment for guys like that was what Ramsey Bolton did to Theon Greyjoy in GoT… ^^

“I won’t lose any sleep over him. You can do something for me though.” You sighed, nodding once. “Go back to the store and buy some extra large garbage bags and some duct tape, got it?”

“Um, yeah. Are you-”

“Y/N. We’re on the clock. We’ll talk later,” he said, kissing your temple. “Now go.”

And God, I’m melting here with Russell, the killing machine, taking charge and taking care of her. He’s soft for *us* 🫠❤️‍🔥

Michelle, you’re making me question my morals and they weren’t that high to begin with 😂

Colter rolling his eyes, an uncharacteristic move.

Is this you commenting on TV!Colter? Dead 😂💀

“Sweetie,” said Russell, closing his eyes. “Owen should not have made it out alive and the fact he did isn’t good.” 

Oh, don’t sweetie us, Russ... Loved how she wasn’t taking any of his crap and called him out on his shit!! 👏 This was sooo good and I was cheering her on all the way 👇👇👇

“I think I finally understand how you’re so perfect but alone. You live this life like you’re this happy go lucky guy but it’s a mask. All you actually see is the dark side of it. Of everything. You are more than happy to step into my dark side but you won’t let me see yours? You wouldn’t let me kill Owen. You won’t let me help clean it up. Even when it’s because of me. You have to always be the hero. Honestly, thinking about it, it’s been all my shit we’ve talked about. All you say is your got a dark past but you haven’t shared diddly squat. Is this how it’s going to be Russell? Because frankly, I want more than that. I told you I don’t need you to do things for me, I just need you to help me do them.”

The fact his reply was “Maybe this was a mistake” made me want to slap his goddamn head off! Whyyyyyy, you emotionally unavailable recluse?!?!

Gaaaaah, I think the most frustrating part is that he tried so hard to convince her he’s the one for her and he’ll be there, and at the first sign of trouble, he fucking walks it back. How exactly is she supposed to trust another word out of his mouth? Grrr

If that’s how Russell wanted to end things, fine.

I seriously wanna hit him so fucking hard for being such a big idiot!!! God, the self-worth issues with this man is almost another Deanism 🙈

He used your kitchen as a base of operations and you let him crash in the guest room.

Awww, he really does like her 🥰 The fact he’s willingly staying in a house with another person says a lot lol

No, instead stood Russell in a trim black suit, his hair slicked back and a bouquet of orange and red flowers in his hands.

*sighs* Alright, Fluffy, get in… 🫠 And points for being honest. He really took a long look in the mirror and opened up to her big time! And on the other hand, her point of wanting too much too soon is also true. They have known each other for only a short amount of time. They’ve already shared more with each other than people during the first ten dates lol

“Oh, who’s afraid of little old me?”

I have that song constantly in my head anyways!!! Can you not?! Russell’s Swifite is showing again 🤣

Those two basically during this scene lmao:

“Why’s he still alive?” you asked quietly. Owen’s eyes widened, Russell tsking him.

Oh her bluntness had me dead 🤣🤣🤣

And I absolutely love that you have Russell running with his own little underground crew here like in the books! 😍

You heard a muttered damn from someone behind you, your focus on Owen.

Not the peanut gallery chiming in 😂🫶

Russell smacked the back of his head. Hard. Owen grunted, shaking it out.

God, I’m fucking loving this dynamic so much!!! I’m a sucker for a brutal interrogation 😍😍😍 (Again, yes, I know the mental help. Will get on it soon… -ish)

And my fucking skin is crawling, btw!!! The sheer amount of effort Cujo put fucking into this and the bars on the windows and the padlock on the door??? Holy fucking shit!!! She really was lucky Russell came when he did. I don’t wanna imagine what would’ve happened to this poor girl otherwise 🙈😳

Again, is the Ramsey Bolton option off the table??? Force-feed him his sausage, girl!!!!

“I just wanted him to be as scared as I’ve been. I-I just…why’d it have to be my family?” You found his face, Russell smiling sadly.

Yeah… Really is a draw of luck 😔 (And honestly it’s why True Crime is so creepy and sad because it’s always “We never thought this could happen to our town/our family/me” etc. If you’re unlucky, all it takes is sitting next to the wrong person on the bus)

The world’s good and bad and that’s all there is to it.

Yes 💯 Camus has always been my favorite because I do agree that’s it all a little absurd if you think too hard about it…

“I can feel you watching, like a creeper.”

Cue the Radiohead 😂💚

You smiled to yourself when Russell closed the gap between them, giving Colter a strong embrace. “Let's leave that shit behind us. Thanks for coming, Colt.”

Aww, I’m so happy they made up too and are getting closer 🥰 The most frustrating part of the show is still how they brushed off Russell’s hurt over being accused of murder for twenty years by his own brother lol. I always loved that honest chat they had in the books about it 🤓

“Just an observation.”

Oh Colter 🫶

After she went to live with our aunt and uncle.

Aaah, loved this little tidbit about Dory!!! 👏👏 I can’t remember if they ever mentioned it on the show as well or if Dory actually lived on the compound till the end 🤔 (Still wild book!Dory has a wholeass husband and kids and goddamn escape plans set in place lol)

“No! No, I don’t mean like, officially yours. Like metaphorically. I’m not ready for anything official. Someday but so not right now.”

Bahaha loved how he backtracked so fast there was almost a Russell-shaped hole in the front door 😂

Awwww, this was such a perfect ending!! Both of them having a home and each other and a perfectly chosen family 🥹😭

This was an amazing series, Michelle! I loved all the book Easter eggs you weaved in so flawlessly and your characterization of both Russell and Colter! And aside from that, I was so hooked on the main storyline with the mafia and her being a fixer wanting to get out. You did such a great job with her background story and planning all those details perfectly and keeping the tension going, even with that last stretch when Owen showed up at the supermarket and then again during the interrogation. Seriously can’t wait what else you have in store for them with the other two one-shots! Well done, friend!!! 🩵🩵🩵

He's My Man (Part 5)

Summary: Russell's taken care of the reader's problem but things take a turn and the happy couple may not be so happy after all...

Masterlist

Pairing: Russell Shaw x reader

Word Count: 6,300ish

Warnings: language, gun shot injury/past drugging/brief mention of attempted assault (not shown) mention, angst, fluff, smut, stalker, murder, self-worth issues

A/N: Thank you all for taking this journey with me with writing this new character! I might return to this world someday but until then, please enjoy the finale!

__________

When you pulled up to the dark house, you noticed Russell’s car had been pulled into the garage and covered with a tarp. You swallowed as you pulled in beside it, biting back bile when Owen parked right behind you, preventing any escape if it came to that. You’d given Russell nearly thirty minutes notice to prepare. You really hoped whatever he had planned was going to be over with fast.

“Fuck,” said Owen, dashing from his car in the downpour to inside the garage. He shook himself off like a dog and pulled off his baseball cap. You’d seen the gash on his forehead before but from the overhead light, a skull fracture was very visible. The dried blood had matted into his thick hair and, along with the other injuries, made him look half-dead. 

“Why don’t you go relax inside, honey?” you forced out when you exited, slamming the door shut loudly, hoping Russell picked up on the fact you were here. “I’ll get the bags and then I’ll take a look at those cuts.”

“Thanks, baby. Don’t take too long.” You didn’t like how he kept saying that. He’d hung off of you at the store. Even if he wasn’t a raging psycho, personal space was still a thing.

You pretended to fuss about at the trunk as he went in the door from the garage to the house. It was quiet for a beat, your gaze locked on the open door in the corner.

Two quick shots rang out and you hit the cement floor hard. Nothing could be heard over the rain, your heart hammering away in your chest. Russell wouldn’t have shot Owen, would he? No, Russell would have snuck up on him, taken him out before he knew what hit him.

So had Owen been shooting? Was Russell hurt? You slowly sat up on your hands and knees, crawling along the side of the car until you reached the hood. You peaked your head around the corner and saw a pair of legs lying on the ground through the open door. It looked like Owen so you carefully rose, flinching when Russell came bounding in from behind you.

He held up his hands, your eyes widening at the blood staining his crisp white tee. 

“What-”

“My stitches tore,” he said, turning his bicep towards you, the blood staining underneath the bandage. “Are you okay?”

You nodded, glancing back inside to where the body lay motionless. “Did you kill him?”

“Not yet,” said Russell, inching past you towards a work bench. “Although he did shoot my fucking front door. Do you have any idea how much a custom mahogany door costs? I might kill him for that alone.”

Russell opened a drawer, taking out duct tape and zip ties. He slammed it shut, pausing with his back to you.

“He’s not going to leave you alone if I let him live.” 

“I know. He’s been following me for awhile I guess,” you said. 

“I can frame him for Elpine’s murder if you don’t want me to kill him.” You leaned back against your car, Russell setting the items on the bench and joining you. “I don’t have to…you know.”

“How are you going to kill him?” you asked after a moment.

“Bag over the head. He’s passed out. He wouldn’t even feel it. Are you sure that’s what-” You went to his workbench and ripped off a garbage bag from the roll, Russell closing his eyes. “Y/N, you should stay out here. Let me do this.”

“Owen started slipping roofies into my drinks when I was fifteen.” His head snapped up as you sighed. “He drugged me twice but nothing happened because my dad was around. I had to be more careful once dad started to lose it. Owen’s a good decade older than me I’m sure you noticed. I’ve been scared of this guy for too long. I’m not asking you to kill him. I’m asking you to show me how to do this myself.”

“I appreciate how strong you are but I’m doing it,” he said, taking the bag from you. You dropped your hand, frowning up at him. He sighed, stroking your cheek with his clean hand. “Your soul has enough scars for a lifetime. Don’t add more.”

“You don’t have to kill someone for me, Russell. You don’t need that on you either. Look what you’ve already done.”

“I won’t lose any sleep over him. You can do something for me though.” You sighed, nodding once. “Go back to the store and buy some extra large garbage bags and some duct tape, got it?”

“Um, yeah. Are you-”

“Y/N. We’re on the clock. We’ll talk later,” he said, kissing your temple. “Now go.”

Three Hours Later

“To be perfectly clear, I’m doing this for Y/N, not you,” said Colter with a coldness you didn’t love. You knew Russell’s relationship with his little brother was strained but you’d thought it had gotten better over the past few days.

“Yeah, well it don’t take a genius to see you like her better,” said Russell, Colter rolling his eyes, an uncharacteristic move. “I’ll never ask you for a thing again. You never even have to speak to me. Think what you want about me. Just please do this for Y/N’s sake.”

“I already…” huffed Colter when you side eyed him with narrowed eyes. He let out a slow exhale. “Fine. You owe me, Russell. Big.”

“Colter,” you said, nodding towards his truck. You left Russell as he went back to taping the large cooler in the garage shut. You assumed he’d put Owen inside and cleaned up while you were gone at the store. The rain had paused momentarily but there was another batch of storms coming through soon. You sighed as you stopped next to the younger Shaw, Colter crossing his arms. “I’m not letting you do this. I know Russell asked but I can’t let you move a body for me.”

He narrowed his eyes, face turning into a scowl. 

“I’m not moving…Russell!” Russ’ head popped up, Colter becoming increasingly annoyed. “Tell me what is going on right now or I swear you and me are done. Forever.”

Russell sighed, throwing his head back. “I may have lied about the Y/N wanting to tag along with you so she can tidy up her place in Virginia.”

“You what?” you asked, storming over to him. “You were trying to pawn me off on Colter again? For what! Owen’s dead, there’s no one left to bother me.”

“Sweetie,” said Russell, closing his eyes. “Owen should not have made it out alive and the fact he did isn’t good.” 

Slowly Russell met your gaze, ignoring Colter behind you. “So is this how it’s going to be? Any time everything’s not perfect you’re going to drop me on your brothers doorstep at the drop of a hat? News flash, Colter isn’t my babysitter. I’m a grown woman who has seen and handled more crap than you know. I thought you didn’t think of me as a damsel.”

“I don’t but-”

“But you don’t want me around for the hard stuff. I got the message.” 

“Y/N, someone else could still be left. They could kill you-” You held up your hand, Colter heading back to his truck to give you some space.

“I think I finally understand how you’re so perfect but alone. You live this life like you’re this happy go lucky guy but it’s a mask. All you actually see is the dark side of it. Of everything. You are more than happy to step into my dark side but you won’t let me see yours? You wouldn’t let me kill Owen. You won’t let me help clean it up. Even when it’s because of me. You have to always be the hero. Honestly, thinking about it, it’s been all my shit we’ve talked about. All you say is your got a dark past but you haven’t shared diddly squat. Is this how it’s going to be Russell? Because frankly, I want more than that. I told you I don’t need you to do things for me, I just need you to help me do them.”

Russell swallowed, face going stoic. “Maybe this was a mistake.”

Your heart dropped like a rock into the pit of your stomach, Russell’s jaw clenching. “You should pack up your stuff here and go with Colter. Go back to Virginia. You’re probably right. This was just attraction, plain and simple.”

“Russell, that’s not what I was saying-” 

“Yeah, it was. Just go. Please. I’ll deal with Owen. Just go back to Virginia and start your life over away from people like us.” With that he brushed past you for Colter, ignoring his repeated calls. 

“Asshole,” you mumbled as you went inside and shoved the few belongings that weren’t in the trunk of your car into a bag. You very purposefully left every pair of underwear, bra and pajamas he’d bought you behind. The cheap sports bra and cotton underwear you’d bought earlier would get you through until you were home.

If that’s how Russell wanted to end things, fine. You were free of the mafia. Free of guys with fucked up pasts. Your options were limitless.

And thank god Colter was smart enough to not ask about your red rimmed eyes by the time you were on the road.

Five Days Later

You gave Colter a wave from your front step as he drove off down the street. It’d taken only two days to drive cross country this time. Apparently you drove faster when you were upset. Or you didn’t sleep as much. Either way, Colter didn’t ask and was happy to get to Virginia where he had a missing accountant to find.

He used your kitchen as a base of operations and you let him crash in the guest room. In exchange, Colter got you hooked up with the basics of reward work. There were some extra perils to the job being a woman but also advantages that Colter didn’t have. He went over finding jobs, finding a team, learning how to get access to tools and databases. You didn’t have a lot of confidence in going after a full fledged disappearance yet but Colter mentioned it wasn’t always people that were what was missing.

By the end of his short stay, you had information overload but were grateful for the chance to start doing something good for once in your life.

Meanwhile, Russell hadn’t reached out once. You had to assume he’d disposed of Owen. You weren’t sure why you were still waiting for a text or a call. It was pretty clear things were over. Russell was too protective and you weren’t going to let another man tell you what to do again. 

Yet, you knew you were at fault too. Russell had just killed a guy in his house for you and he knew a hell lot more about getting away with a murder than you did. Russell had points for not wanting to involve you. And you had to be an asshole and pressure him for more when there was literally a dead body at your feet.

“I’m an idiot,” you groaned, leaning against the kitchen island with your head lowered. “Why did I do that?”

The doorbell rang, your head slowly rising. You sighed as you went to it, pulling it open quickly. 

“Did you forget-” You cut yourself off when you didn’t see Colter standing there. No, instead stood Russell in a trim black suit, his hair slicked back and a bouquet of orange and red flowers in his hands. “Russ? What-”

“Let me get this out and then I’ll get out of your life forever if that’s what you want,” he said. You leaned against the door jam, Russell taking a deep breath. “Y/N, I like you. A lot. Too much probably for how long we’ve known each other. Everything you said was right. I avoid my problems because it’s a hell of a lot easier to fix someone else’s in my experience.”

He swallowed, glancing at his feet. “Owen could have hurt you at that store. He could have taken you, shown up at the house and killed you. I fucked up and you don’t seem to understand that Owen’s obsession and how fucking smart you are is the only reason we’re still here and he’s not. I told you I took care of it and I didn’t. I was angry at myself and wanted you somewhere safer than with me so I pushed your buttons on purpose. I lied on purpose so you’d get mad and leave with Colter. You deserve a good man and I’m not him. I kill people. I use sex as a way to be close to women but then never let myself be in a relationship because I don’t want them to see beneath the surface and see the shit that’s in there. I want better for you than me.”

Russell looked up, a tiny smile forming on his face. “Can we try being friends again and maybe I can become that man that deserves you along the way?”

“Russell,” you sighed. You stepped forward, cupping his cheeks, green eyes full of caution. “We can be friends. I’d like it if we were more than that, though.” 

He slowly smiled, his lip ticking up when you stroked his cheek. 

“I’m sorry for jumping down your throat. You do not have to share your deepest darkest secrets with me, never mind the first day we’re actually together. That was unfair of me. I just want you to know you can share them with me if you want to.” 

“I’ve killed a lot of people, Y/N,” he said softly. “Dozens. Some of them, most of them, I never gave two shits about. No nightmares. No trauma. That’s not normal. It’s been years since I’ve felt all that bad about killing.”

“You don’t need to feel bad about killing monsters,” you said. He closed his eyes and you leaned in, kissing his forehead. “S’that why you didn’t want me to kill Owen?”

“Moral and practical reasons,” he whispered. “I don’t kill out of revenge. I don’t think I ever have. It always has another purpose. Protect someone, protect a group or the general public from a threat. Some psych told me once that’s why I don’t struggle as much with what I’ve done as some other folks. The way I grew up helped me with that. But I do struggle with it still and you’ve struggled enough. You don’t need that on you.”

“I understand. I’m so used to being controlled and told what to do…I can never go back to that.”

“You never will,” he said, opening his eyes. You tilted your head, Russell turned into your touch to match. “I’m sure I’ll fuck things up again. We can be friends if that’s all you ever want.”

“I don’t want to be just friends. So what if we fight? That’s what couples do.” You took his hand in yours and the flowers in the other, leading him inside behind you. 

“I quit my job a few days ago.” You froze, spinning around on your heels. He shrugged, still holding your hand. “I can’t change my life without making some changes.”

“You still want to do that home brew for a career?” 

“Yeah. I’d like to give it a shot.” He spotted the stacks of papers on your kitchen table and open computer. “Colter offer you a spot on his team?”

“He did at first but I want to try doing it my way, stop patching up the bad guys and doing something good. He warned me it can be dangerous work though, especially as a woman flying solo.”

“He makes very good points,” said Russell, thumbing at your lip when you smiled. “What’s that look for?”

“Maybe you could be on my team sometimes, show me a few moves from the expert.” You started to walk backwards towards your bedroom, Russell’s eyebrows raising. “If you want to.”

“I’ll show you any kind of moves you’d like, qark.” He held his ground though, stopping you in place. You waited for the but to come, for him to push back on getting back together. Instead, he took the flowers from your hand and went into your kitchen, finding a tall glass and filling it with water. He set the flowers on the island before rejoining you, resting his hands on your hips. “I like the idea of working together as partners.”

“But…” you said, Russell kissing the top of your head.

“But you are far too kind, my queen of darkness. I was expecting to get told to get lost tonight and I have plans I can’t get out of with my friends very shortly.”

“Oh,” you said, Russell’s finger tips finding the ends of your hair and playing with a few strands. “If you have plans, we can meet up another-”

“You want to know my dark side?” Your eyes flicked to meet his, your head nodding once. “You can’t unknow what kind of man I am once you do. I don’t blame you if you change your mind about me.”

“I want to know you. All of you.” He closed his eyes and nodded.

“Go change into something discreet. Dark clothes. Leave your phone home. If at any point you want to leave, say so and I bring you right back here, understand?” You nodded, Russell backing away. “Mind if I change in your bathroom?”

“You can change in the bedroom with me.” He smirked but backed away.

“Another time. We have an appointment to keep.”

“Where are we going?” you asked, Russell glancing away.

“Don’t be mad but we need to pay Owen a visit.”

Twenty minutes later you quietly followed Russell into what looked like a decommission warehouse that should have been torn down a decade ago. The building was pitch black apart from the single light coming from the end of a hallway. You stuck behind Russell as you entered the room, stopping when you found six different men and a woman inside, most carrying a weapon on their hip or tucked into their jeans from what you could tell.

And smack in the center of the room tied to a chair was Owen very much still alive. Although…alive was being generous. He didn’t look more injured than when you’d last seen him but his color was off and his eyes were red and puffy. He wasn’t even angry when he saw you, just…scared.

“He behave while I was gone?” asked Russell to a man and woman nearby.

“Tried bribing Doug and then all of us to let him go,” said the woman. She gave Owen a nasty look before turning gentle as she looked towards Russell. “I think you scared the poor boy, Shaw.”

“Oh, who’s afraid of little old me?” said Russell, giving Owen a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “So. Owen, my friends. Friends, Owen. You’re already acquainted with Y/N.”

Owen’s gaze flickered to you when Russell grabbed a chair from the wall and sat it a few feet away from Owen, facing him. Russell sat down slowly, nodding when you moved closer so you could see both their faces.

“Why’s he still alive?” you asked quietly. Owen’s eyes widened, Russell tsking him.

“On me, big guy,” said Russell, snapping his fingers, Owen reluctantly looking at him. “You got some options. Prison. You die very quickly. Or…me and my friends can make sure you die very slowly. Your choice.”

“Why didn’t you kill him yet?” you asked again. Russell sighed, glancing down. “Russell.”

“There were some things that never sat right with me that I wanted answers to. The stuff with your family’s accident and your dad’s paranoia, him attacking you. I had a paranoid father too. I know the signs, know that they want to protect us in their own way. The coincidence of meeting someone just like me was too high so I started to dig. You mentioned Owen’s drugged you a few times in the past and tried to hurt you.”

“Yeah…I’m not following,” you said. Russell stood slowly, staring down Owen like a predator with it’s prey firmly caught in a trap.

“I figured if he drugged you, who else had he slipped something to? What good man, good doctor, could a prescription drug running family slip into his drinks? The more I researched, the more my friends helped, the more we found.” Russell clenched his fists by his side, knuckles turning white. “Should I tell her Owen? Or do you have the balls to tell her yourself?”

Russell ripped off the tape over his mouth, Owen wincing as he breathed deeply. Russell was on him like that, grabbing his throat, not squeezing but adding enough pressure that it was going to be uncomfortable. “I told you to talk, you sack of shit.”

“Y/N, this guys is lying. I never did anything to you!” Russell’s jaw clenched and you watched him squeeze, only backing off when you laid a gentle hand on Russell’s shoulder. 

“He’s psycho!” said Owen, Russell backing up a step. You looked up to him, Russell’s face unreadable. “Y/N, baby-”

“Shut the fuck up before I stab you in your spine,” you said. Owen’s jaw snapped shut, a flicker of something in Russell’s eyes. Pride? Amusement? It quickly flittered away, replaced with worry when you held out a hand. “Can I have your knife?”

Russell slowly took it out of his pocket, handing the engraved handle out to you. You flicked it open and took a seat in the chair, holding it pointed down at the concrete floor.

“Owen. Tell me the truth and I won’t kill you. I swear. But I can get the answers from you if you don’t cooperate. Don’t make me get my boyfriend’s knife bloody.”

You heard a muttered damn from someone behind you, your focus on Owen. He sagged in his seat and closed his eyes.

“Our old fixer wanted out, wanted to go to the feds so my dad had him killed. I was eighteen and he told me to start earning my place as successor. He told me to find a new fixer. Your dad was one of the best doctors in the city. Things were…arranged. Two weeks later we-” 

Russell smacked the back of his head. Hard. Owen grunted, shaking it out.

“Two weeks later I…put a hit on your family. Your mom and brother specifically. We only needed one kid to survive and I thought a girl would be easier to control. I started drugging your father that night with antipsychotics to create paranoia,” said Owen, his head hanging low. “I orchestrated the whole thing. We fed him the drugs for years, it made him stay close if not a little extreme. It kept taking more though.”

“Do. Not. Skip. Ahead,” growled Russell, grabbing a fistful of Owen’s shirt.

“O-okay. I-I…I started thinking about how to get your dad to stick around once you grew up and you were pretty and smart and I thought you’d be happy with me.”

“How old was she when you decided this?” barked Russell. Owen whimpered, trying to curl in on himself. “Fifteen you disgusting waste of space.”

“You started drugging me then,” you said. Owen shook his head.

“Not with that stuff. Just roofies. But not enough for you to be completely out of it. Your dad started keeping a closer eye on you and I tried waiting for you to come around on your own but it was so hard when you went away to college. I knew I couldn’t let you run off like that again so…” Owen’s shoulders shook, mouth snapping shut.

“So you roofied her, attacked her and she fought back. Her father protected her and you fucking killed him for it. Your dear old daddy found what you’d done and wasn’t happy, was he? He covered up your murder and blamed her father knowing Y/N wouldn’t remember a thing. Y/N was forced to go to med school and learn crap she didn’t want to all while daddy had you banished away from her. You tried to keep tabs on her but it wasn’t until dad died that you could finally take Y/N like you wanted. It’s pure fucking luck I showed up when I did to make sure that didn’t happen. Would you like to tell Y/N about the fucking padded door locks and bars on the window in her old room back at the house? About your plans for her?”

Russell grabbed Owen’s hair, forcing his head up. Owen was trembling, whispering apologies and saying how he didn’t mean it, over and over.

“So…you killed my family…and tried to assault me more than once over the years…and were planning on keeping me as a…pet in the house until I magically fell in love with you. I think that sums it up,” you said. You stood up, handing Russell his knife. “I’m not going to kill him.”

“Thank you,” sighed Owen in relief. “Thank you. I-I knew you’d be able to forgive me-”

“Oh, I don’t forgive you and I wouldn’t be thanking me,” you said, smiling up at Russell. ““Papa Elpine and a few guys made it out I heard. Bobby was his favorite son, right?”

“Y/N! I killed Bobby! They’ll-” Russell shoved some tape over his mouth and hummed.

You crossed your arms, Russell tilting his head at you. “You know they’re going to torture Owen to death.”

“I said I wouldn’t hurt him and I’m keeping my word,” you said, Owen shouting under the tape. “I’d tell you to confess but Elpine’s connected. He’d just have you killed in prison. So. Elpine it is.”

“You sure?” asked Russell. You pursed your lips, Owen pleading with his eyes. Everything in you wanted to say yes, let him get what he had coming. 

So why couldn’t you say it? 

You looked to Russell, nodding. “Get rid of him, please,” you mouthed.

“Look away,” said Russell. You turned around, Owen panting hard before there was a loud crack and the room was still. Russell’s hand found your shoulder, rubbing it softly. “We took care of Elpine’s guys. You know that.”

“I just wanted him to be as scared as I’ve been. I-I just…why’d it have to be my family?” You found his face, Russell smiling sadly.

“I’ve asked myself that question a lot over the years. Best I came up with is you got to try and let it go. The world’s good and bad and that’s all there is to it.” He wrapped his arm over your shoulder, walking you towards the door. You nearly looked back but he blocked you with his body. “No. He’s gone for good, you don’t need to give him anything more. I’m sorry for not killing him back in Washington. I just thought you deserved the truth. Your dad was a good man.”

“Thank you,” you said, closing your eyes. “I wish I realized that sooner.”

“Come on,” he said, walking you out to the hallway. “Let’s get you home.”

One Month Later

You smiled from your chair when Russell let out a single tiny snore from the couch across from you. He hadn’t gotten much sleep the past few days and honestly, it was kind of adorable the way this incredibly dangerous man made the cutest cooing noises while he slept.

“You’re staring at me,” he mumbled without opening his eyes a few minutes later. You looked around, holding up a finger. “I can feel you watching, like a creeper.”

“Well, you make these cute sounds when you sleep,” you said. He smirked, slowly flicking his lazy eyes open.

“And who’s fault is it that I haven’t been sleeping, hm?” You shrugged and slid down in your chair with your book, grinning behind the pages. “I can see that smile, you know that?”

“Don’t blame me for the amazing orgasms you give,” you said, flicking your eyes over the top of the book, Russell propping himself up on his elbows with a predatory gaze. “Down boy. Later.”

“You better,” he said, plopping back with a huff. “Remind me to never help Frank with a favor ever again.”

“Frank helped you with Owen,” you reminded him. Russell scoffed.

“All he did with Owen was stand there and look scary. I didn’t make him build a fucking deck in the pacific northwest in forty degree weather.”

“Aw, is baby boy cranky?” you teased. He growled, playfully tossing his pillow at you. “You guys should wrap up tomorrow, right?”

“That’s the plan. Then I’m going back to waking up at a humane hour,” he said, forcing himself to sit up and stretch out with a few grunts. “How long was I out?”

“About an hour and a half. You needed it,” you said, flipping a page. Russell glanced over to the dining table, taking in the decorated spread. 

“You set a place for Colter?” he asked. 

“Yes…right next to Dory’s,” you said, closing your book and setting it aside. “You still think he won’t come?”

“He’s not the kind of guy to come to a housewarming party. Especially his brother’s housewarming party. We still haven’t talked since…” 

“I know,” you said, standing and pulling him to his feet. He was still sleepy as you ruffled his hair, Russell turning into the touch. “I’m excited to meet your friends and family properly.”

“They want to know all about you, that’s for sure,” he chuckled. “You can’t imagine the amount of shit they’ve given me after I said I’d never settle down.”

“I moved in a week ago. We’re a ways from settling down,” you said. He titled his head, smiling at you. “Don’t give me that face.”

“What face?” he teased, leaning in close, dipping his head, kissing under your jaw.

“Shaw! Do not give me a hickey! I do not want them seeing-” You sucked in a breath, brain going fuzzy when he nipped at the soft flesh. 

“Too bad, qark. If I have to have hickeys all over my neck then so do you,” he said, suckling the skin. A buzzer went off in the kitchen and he groaned when you slipped away so the rolls wouldn’t burn. “Y/N…”

“Saved by the bell,” you said, taking out the pan and leaving them to cool off. Russell was by your side quickly, hands on your hips so you couldn’t escape. “Okay. How about you can give me as many hickeys as you want later if you’re a good boy this afternoon?”

“Hm, I do like being your good boy,” he said, squeezing your hips. “Deal.”

“Good. Where do you keep-“

The doorbell trilled, your heads turning towards the front windows. A familiar pickup truck was out front, Russell raising his eyebrows. You nodded for the door, Russell cautious as he answered. Colter stood on the front porch with an awkward forced smile and a pink box.

“I uh, picked up some dessert for dinner later,” he said offering the box. Russell took it, setting it aside on the front table. “You going to invite me in?”

“I thought you…” Russell shook his head and opened the door wider, letting his younger brother inside. Colter gave you a brief smile before clearing his throat.

“I uh, can help you get ready or cook. I just…last time we talked Russell…”

You smiled to yourself when Russell closed the gap between them, giving Colter a strong embrace. “Let's leave that shit behind us. Thanks for coming, Colt.”

“Yeah,” said Colter, returning it for a moment before the boys broke apart. “How’s the girlfriend situation working out for you?”

“I’m telling you man, find the right girl, you’ll never want to go back to being a loner,” said Russell, giving you a smirk. “They do come with a lot of rules though, fair warning.”

“I asked you to put the toilet seat down, Shaw,” you chided. 

“Like I said, rules,” teased Russell. You picked up a knife by your cutting board, narrowing your eyes. “We should help before she starts using that on us.”

“Yes you should,” you said, Colter shrugging out of his jacket and boots, joining your side after washing up. “Can you cut up the veggies into strips?”

“Can do,” he said, swapping places with you. You smiled when Russell took the dessert box and started to arrange the treats on a platter over on the dinning table. “I’d like to apologize for my behavior the last time we were all here.”

You frowned as you peeled a bag of potatoes into a bowl. “You mean when I lost my cool on Russell? You have nothing to apologize for Colter. We were asking you for a favor. Again. I’m honestly surprised you don’t hate me. I know you value your alone time.”

Colter was quiet, chopping neatly and pushing the scraps into a discard bowl. “Did Russell ever tell you how he got that gunshot he went to you for in the first place?”

“Someone kidnapped Doug. He went to save him.”

“Did you know I helped him with that?” You shook your head, setting the peeler down. Colter had stopped dicing, a barely there smile crossing his face. “If it weren’t for my brother asking for my help with his friends, I’m not sure we ever would have spoke again.”

“I know there’s a complicated history there.” He hummed, watching Russell across the room. “It means a lot to him that you’re trying too.”

“S’all we can do is try, right?” he said, going back to his cutting. “So. My brother is clearly head over heels. What about you? Should I expect a wedding invitation soon?”

“Uh, no,” you said, laughing to yourself. “We’re certainly not traditional but we’re nowhere near ready for that. We’ll see how living together goes for awhile before we talk about anything like long term plans.”

“Yet you moved in already.” You rolled your eyes. “Just an observation.”

“For convenience sake. Russ is looking into land for the brewery around here since he left his job and apartments in town are limited.”

“Right. I’m sure that’s it. Silly me,” he said. You held up your peeler to him, Colter raising his hands. “Russ, I think I broke one of your girlfriend’s rules.”

“It was nice knowing ya,” said Russell with a chuckle. “Give him a swift death for me, qark.”

“Qark?” asked Colter as you turned your attention to the potatoes. 

“Queen of darkness. Now hurry up with those so you and Russ can have some alone time before dinner.”

Six Hours Later

“This is going well,” said Russell to you in the kitchen as laughed and a smoky scent filtered in from the back porch. “Everyone really likes you.”

“I suppose I have met them all before, except for Dory. She’s such a sweetheart. I don’t know what I was expecting but-”

“She was much younger than us when our dad died. After she went to live with our aunt and uncle. She’s tough but normal in a way Colter and I won’t ever…” You rubbed his back, his strong arm wrapping around your waist to keep you close. “Did you like, drug him? Or bribe him? I seriously can’t believe he’s still here let alone came.”

“Of course he came. No matter what’s happened in the past, he loves his big brother.” Russell tucked you into his side, smiling when you rested your head on his shoulder. “I found a job in Wyoming. Missing prized show dog. I was going to head out in the morning, see if I’m any good at this.”

“You’ll be wonderful,” he said, kissing the top of your head. “Be safe though.”

“I will be.” You turned in his hold to face him, wrapping your arms around his back in a hug. “It’s been a long time since anyone cared if I was safe. It’s nice. This weird little family you have is…I’m jealous to be honest.”

“You shouldn’t be. It’s yours too.” You raised your eyebrows, Russell raising his own, eyes going wide. “No! No, I don’t mean like, officially yours. Like metaphorically. I’m not ready for anything official. Someday but so not right now.”

“Me either,” you said, the tension running out of his face. “I want to know who we are without our old jobs, how to be a happy queen of darkness.”

“We’ll figure it out together,” he said. “Speaking of which, I got you a present for helping organize all of this and cooking for ten people after literally just moving cross country. I know it was stressful so I wanted to make it up to you.”

“I don’t need a present, Russ,” you said, a sneaky smile forming on his face. “Oh. This is a present for the both of us.”

“I got you a new pair of jammies, the lilac set this time,” he said. Russell’s smile grew as yours did, his arms lifting you off the ground, bringing you to eye level. “You deserve all the good things in life, qark.”

“I think we got something pretty good starting right here,” you said, kissing him once, Russell humming.

“I couldn’t agree more, baby. Couldn’t agree more.”

__________

[hsangel64]

the weight of sacrifice

pairings: ellie williams x fem miller!reader and dad!joel miller x daughter!reader

synopsis: it all happened so fast you had to do something even if it meant putting your life at risk

warnings: TW: BIG BIG BIG use of gore like i went into detail about some things, angst lots of angst, cussing, use of y/n

a/n: for some context ellie and reader are already together, joel and reader were at the hospital together, joel is readers dad!! i have been doing a bit of fluff so i wanted to do an angst one! i have had this on my mind for awhile now so i hope you guys like this! requests are open!

you didn’t know how you ended up in this situation, you weren’t thinking straight but all you could think about was to save your dad. everyone in the room was unknown to you. you knew this was a bad idea you knew something wasn’t right, you tried to reason with your dad and he didn’t listen. your dad, you and tommy were just on patrol, the horde being too strong and saving the girl who was about to kill him. it wasn’t hard to put two and two together to realize these people had to have been apart of the firefly’s and were coming after your dad for killing everyone in that hospital. for not saving the world, for taking that away from everyone. whatever the reason was you had to stop her.

“wait he didn’t do anything!!!” the woman turned to look at you waiting for you to continue.

“he didn’t do anything, i promise it was all me. take me not him!” you yelled out and everyone’s faces were turned to you.

“y/n no!” he yelled wondering what the hell you were doing. you could tell the girl was taking in everything you said.

“pick her up.” pulling you up they pulled your dad away and hit you across the face, falling to the floor in front of her. you felt the room start to spin knowing you were going to die here.

the day you and joel took ellie from the firefly’s

driving back to jackson after what went down felt wrong. you didnt want ellie to die so you killed everyone in sight, you didnt want it to end this way but ellie meant more to you guys than anyone.

“are you okay?”your dad broke the silence between you two.

“oh uh yeah im fine.” there was a slight pause before he spoke again.

“we need to lie to her.” your head snapped towards him baffled at him wanting to lie to her.

“what…why can’t we tell her the truth.”

“because we can’t okay?” raising his voice as he talked so you stopped talking and silently agreed. all you could hear was the hum of the car moving not wanting to say anything more. you knew why he told you to lie, it made you feel dirty knowing what you both did. they had a chance to a cure and you took that away from the world. you knew ellie would’ve never talked to you again if she knew, so you stayed quiet. you never told her and when she asked you said you didn’t remember anything. that they knocked you out and you woke up in the car on the way to jackson.

the day ellie and joel came back from salt lake city after their talk.

the day they came back was the worst day you’ve ever had, you were and ellie basically lived together so you were in her home when she came back. waiting the full week felt like forever, you didn’t know where she went and you had so many questions. hearing the door open you whipped around to see ellie dropping her backpack by the door, running over you touched her face to see what was wrong.

“baby i was so worried where were you?”

“did you know joel lied?”

“lied about what els?” she pushed you away and walked past you taking her jacket off.

“lied about the cure, the hospital everything that day.” oh shit.

“what? n-no no of course not.”

“don’t lie to me again please, did you lie or not.” you knew she had found out, you knew there was no way around this.

“ellie…”

“i can’t fucking believe you!” ellie raised her voice and threw her jacket to the ground making you jump.

“look ellie i had no choice-“

“no choice? you’re my fucking girlfriend.” she finally made eye contact with you and you saw tears forming in her eyes. you walked over to her and before you could even touch her she pushed you away nearly making you fall to the ground.

“els please let me explain-“ your voice cracked feeling the giant lump in your throat. she was pacing now.

“explain what that you lied our whole relationship? that we could’ve saved the world and you took that from me?!”

“els-“

“no shut the fuck up, i don’t want to hear it. there’s nothing to explain. i should’ve died in that hospital y/n! my life would’ve fucking mattered and you both took that from me.” the tears were in full affect now, feeling your chest tighten as you let out a sob.

“you matter to me ellie, you matter to joel, to everyone.” you put your hands on her face again wiping the fallen tears.

“the whole world would’ve been saved you guys fucked that up and now we’re stuck here in this world.” she stopped for a second looking away. “the other day i went and helped the kids with a drill, you know what that drill was meant for?” she walked closer to you. “the drill is for when we have raiders or a horde of infected. i could’ve saved those kids from this world that were living in. that was my fucking purpose.” you flinched away slightly hearing her raise her voice slightly.

“els, you are my purpose. who knows if that cure even was able to work, what if we ran the risk of you dying and not even being able to save the world. do you realize how devastated i would’ve been, if it was all for fucking nothing?”

“but we don’t fucking know that, what if it did work. i would’ve saved the world.”

“i would’ve lost you either way ellie, you matter so much to me and we were both so selfish and im sorry we did it but if we had the chance to do it again im sure we both would do it all over again. a million times over again.” you were pouring your heart out to her, you couldn’t lose her even if things weren’t going to be the same you weren’t going to lose her.

“i can’t do this shit anymore i need time. a break from…this.”

“a break?” your heart shattered.

“yes a break, i need time i can’t be with you right now.” you shook your head, you knew there was no way to sway her decision. so you nodded and grabbed your duffle bag and packed you clothes that you had in her room. she was sat on the edge of her bed with her head in her hands.

“i love you so much ellie i hope you know that.” you said as you walked out of the small garage.

the festival day

after your fight you had kept to yourself, talked to no one, nothing made you happy. your dad tried, he offered movie nights consisting of your favorite movies that you’d watch together, during the summer would offer to take you down to the lake for a lake day like old times, he would get you your favorite foods and even traded some of his precious coffee beans for you. you felt into a deep depression and obviously with it being the apocalypse there weren’t many resources, he had you start to go to the town therapist, gail, she was nice and helped but you just felt numb. ellie felt like everything to you and now she wasn’t. you had seen she had gotten close to dina and it made you feel like shit you had to watch from afar as they got closer and closer.

after the argument word went around quick and everyone knew ellie williams had dumped you, the rumors were endless and made your life hell, just hearing whispers from others and looks when you were out, not that it was often. your dad wanted you to get out more, this was a great opportunity, the festival. you knew she would be there, you wanted to see her but you knew dina would be there too. you really did not want to go to this thing but your dad had insisted it was going to be good for you. having been up in your room all day every day, missing patrols, not eating, just everything, he wanted you to get out even if you would see ellie. it had been a bit since you two had broken up, you have tried your best to talk to her, reason with her, bringing her flowers, trying to talk during patrols but nothing. she really wanted nothing to do with you and you couldn’t blame her one bit. you lied through your teeth for years to her and you shouldn’t have listened to your dad, you should’ve just told her the truth. you had wondered if she thought about you, wondered if she worried about you at all. or if she didn’t care at all and was healing from this all together.

ellie would be lying if she didn’t think about you, i mean besides riley, you were her first everything. she had barely seen you for the past few months, some weeks she even worried that you had died and she just didn’t know. you had gotten skinny and you looked tired, she noticed it when she did see you. ellie was worried about you, she still loved you a lot, she still cared for you and wished things were different but that feeling of betrayed got to her and she knew she wouldn’t be able to go back to you and that hurt her.

dina helped filling the void, she had a small crush on her but nothing like what she had with you. ellie knew this was shitty for using dina but you weren’t an option. her and dina haven’t actually done anything but she has been flirty since her and jesse broke up. she had pulled ellie to this festival, she really didn’t want to go.

you had threw on some unwashed jeans and a hoodie putting on deodorant to not smell like total shit. staring at the mirror in you room looking at your tired eyes and giant eye bags, groaning you walked downstairs to see your dad waiting by the door putting his jacket on.

“dad do i really have to go.”

“yes yes you do, all you do is sleep and stay in that room of yours, you need to get out and get some fresh air with everyone else.” he walked over to you and put his hands on your shoulders.

“please try and have some fun tonight, and don’t drink too much for my sake.” you rolled your eyes at him as you both walked out the door. you felt like a vampire, feeling blinded from the moonlight and the bright lights of the town. you felt drained, feeling like if you saw ellie you would burst into an ugly heaving sob. slightly resenting your dad for making you come, you both walked into the party and you were already dreading being here.

everyone was looking at you, you could already hear the whispers about your appearance. walking straight to the bar abandoning your dad to get a drink in you to at least bare the night. when you walked up you saw her talking to jesse, you made eye contact with her and stopped in your tracks, biting your lip to stop you from crying. walking the rest of the way up to the bar you asked for something strong. trying to keep your distance away from her your attention got caught by dina dancing around the dance floor with some guy. your eyes stayed on her as the song ended she made her way over to ellie saying a few words that you couldn’t make out and took ellie towards the dance floor. your face dropped keeping your eyes on them as dina pulled her close to her starting to sway side by side, all the air escaped your throat only being able to keep your eyes on them, ellie looked so happy with her. it gutted you, made you dizzy and want to vomit.

you had to look away but you couldn’t, you physically couldn’t. they got closer to each other now laying their heads on each others shoulders, you and ellie at made eye contact not even realizing the tears that had fallen down your face. she looked like she had a small frown on her face looking at you, she got pulled away slightly and her focus was back on dina. dina kissed her, she kissed ellie and you didnt even know how to react. holding your breath trying to restrain a sob. you could only hear your own breathing and heartbeat, almost felt like you were dying. getting pulled out of it hearing sean yell out a slur to both of them. it all seemed to happen so fast, your dad was up there within a minute defending ellie.

“what is wrong with you?” you picked up the argument and made your way closer to listen.

“he had no right-“

“and you did?”

“i don’t need your fucking help joel.” you ran your way through the crowd, pulling your dad away slightly.

“don’t you fucking talk to him like that.”

“this doesn’t involve you.” you stood closer to her almost face to face.

“it involved me when you yelled at my dad.”

“get out of my face.” she said so only you could hear.

“don’t fucking get on him for defending you.” she pushed you away and ran out of the building, you fell into joel slightly and scoffed at ellie’s actions. you didn’t realize what you were doing but you followed after ellie out of the building catching her halfway to her house.

“ellie!” she kept walking so you picked up your speed.

“ellie lets talk please!”

“what could we possibly talk about?”

“i- i don’t know, lets just stop for a second and talk please.”

“what do you want? to embarrass me again? tell me to leave joel alone when he had no reason to defend me?”

“he was fucking helping you ellie believe it or not he cares about you.”

“i didn’t need help thats the problem!” she started to walk back away not staying to hear what you had to say.

“it doesn’t matter ellie you can’t hate us forever.” stopping in her tracks she scoffed and started walking again causing you to follow behind and grabbing her shoulder. she whipped around and she slapped you. it surprised you, grabbing your face from the stinging pain that caused you. ellie’s expression dropped going to grab onto you, you pulled back. tears forming in your eyes yet again, feeling embarrassed for even trying to talk to her. ellie instantly regretted it and went to hold you causing you to flinch away.

“hey wait i-im sorry i really didnt mean to do that.”

“no don’t fucking touch me.” you shook your head moving around her to go run into your house.

“y/n! wait please im sorry!” you felt her behind you as you walked into the house, slamming the door in her face and running up to your room. you fell into your bed sobbing into your pillow the rest of the night.

ellie knew she fucked up, she fucked up bad. she wanted to go in there and console you, hold you and apologize profusely. ellie didn’t know what happened it just happened so fast. she ran back home, feeling the sobs come out of her chest.

4 hours before

you had patrol with your dad and tommy, you guys had been out really early due to the huge hoard of infected that had been seen close to jackson. you initially weren’t supposed to be here but you begged your dad to go this morning wanting to take your mind off things. it was terrible to think but maybe even get lost and never seen again. you knew ellie and dina had patrol together today, it made your stomach churn and your face grimaced at the thought of them getting to hang out today, especially after the events of the night before. you had been so tired from clearing out the places by jackson, it was cold and you were sick of it. meanwhile ellie and dina had just gotten their horses to head out.

“where are joel and tommy?” ellie asked jesse.

“they went out early with y/n to clear up some areas been out for awhile, so im gonna switch out with them so we can take their place and they can take a break.” she nodded, hearing your name knowing you were out there made her feel uneasy especially knowing she wasn’t there with you. she wanted to try and talk to you before she headed out but ended up sleeping in due to her crying herself to sleep.

they all went on their way, ellie just following behind dina since she didn’t know the trail they were taking. she sighed, ‘here we go’

2 hours before

ellie and dina had been cozying it up in a library due to the storm, whilst you had been caught up in a hoard. you guys had been running for what felt like hours, helping some girl out in the process. you felt weary about newer people, but you had no time to think about that right now. you had blood all over you, feeling the sweat pour down your head as you fought for your life. tommy had pushed the cart to get you guys out of there and back to the lodge where your horses were. feeling like you could breath, even if it was just for a second your dad had asked if you were doing okay you nodded feeling like you couldn’t speak. you felt a ringing in your ear as you saw the banging on door from the infected. your heart beating out of your chest not knowing what was to come. your dad pulled you and your hearing faded back into the loud bangs and screaming of the infected.

ellie and dina were laying on top of each other just having smoked and then had sex. laying with each other on the couch in the basement of the library. they were telling each other the stories on their scars when they heard running footsteps and jesse yelling for them. they rushed up off the couch to get some clothes on.

“are you kidding me?” jesse scoffs and turns around to let them change.

“you’re supposed to be on patrol.”

“there’s a blizzard outside.”

“is that weed?” jesse questioned as he took in the surroundings.

“why are you here?”

“people are counting on you, you get that? what we do matters!”

“then why aren’t you at the fucking lookout?”

“because tommy, joel and y/n didnt show up!” ellie shot her head up, and she got up swiftly.

“what do you mean?”

“we’ve been waiting for an hour, i was looking for their horses until i saw light.” ellie felt speechless, what if you guys were in trouble. dina turned to her.

“maybe they just went back to town.”

“without being replaced? no way.” ellie walked over to her bag grabbing it swiftly making her way to shimmer. you better be alive.

just minutes before

you guys had made it to the house finally feeling some sense of relief. the girl was with a bunch of other people, this didn’t feel right like you’re trapped now. you felt weird, you knew something was up and you wanted to leave.

“dad, i think we should leave.” you said in a hushed tone not wanting to give your suspicions away.

“what we jus’ got here.”

“this doesn’t feel right, i don’t trust them we should leave.”

“babygirl, its fine we will be alright.” he scoffed and tied up his horse walking away from you. you tried to trust him and relaxed your shoulders walking into the other room with everyone. you made sure you had your gun on you in case anything happens. you had drowned out their conversation until tommy elbowed you.

“that’s y/n, joel’s daughter.”

“y’all act like you heard of us or somethin’…” you saw the girl pull out a shot gun you weren’t able to react quick enough when the two people next to you grabbed you and knocked you over. your head slammed against the floor making you groan in pain.

“get off me!” you yelled seeing your dad with his leg basically shot out, you knew it you knew something was off.

now you’re here squirming as much as you can to get set free to try and help your dad, you didn’t know what else to do. you were panicking tommy was on the floor passed out and your dad had a blown out leg, how were you supposed to fight these guys. you were fucked. you had no other choice but to save your dad, you knew you wouldn’t come out of this alive.

ellie was frantically riding through the storm yelling for you guys hoping and praying you guys were safe, especially you. she found a house so she made her way over to try and find a way inside.

“please be okay.” her voice was shaky she felt tense and her stomach was in knots. making her way down and finding an opening in the house, she ran in and heard yelling. shit. she ran towards the noise finding a staircase and a door at the end leading towards whatever was down there. she could hear joel yelling your name. running down the staircase she opened the door slowly to find joel sitting being held down by two guys and you on the floor all bloodied and beaten. she gasped and ran in with her gun in hand, but she got tackled and pushed down.

“you’re gonna fucking die!” she yelled groaning at the scene she saw. she looked at joel seeing tears in his eyes, he looked defeated mumbling your name. he lost a lot of blood too much blood. she turned her attention back to you, seeing you stare at her, she didn’t want to look at you. you didn’t look the same her heart churned and she felt nauseous knowing you would die at the hands of some girl.

“baby get up! y/n fucking get up!” she wanted you to miraculously get up, she wanted this to be a bad dream. she swore she could see you mouth ‘i love you’ to her.

“please stop!”

“babygirl you gotta get up! please…” joel pleads, he feels his body start to slow down due to the loss of blood, he’s hoping he’s dying. he can’t bare to lose another daughter.

“please don’t do this!” she pleads and pleads hoping for that second that someone might come in and save them, save you.

“baby please get up!” her pleads going unheard, getting more desperate as they came out. the whole world seems to stop, her ears ringing not hearing anything else but her own sobs. she saw the golf club rise up and come right back down.

“noooo!!” all life comes back to her, hearing the crush of the club hitting you, making her feel queasy at the noise. the ringing noise was back as sobs rack her body as she sees all life leave your eyes. all her memories of you come crashing within a moment, before she could even think or do anything she was knocked out.

as she woke back up dina was in front of her telling her sorry, ellie hoped she would’ve woken up and she was in bed with you. there you had been lifeless on the ground, she could barely see your face covered by the blood. she wanted to look away but she couldn’t, seeing your lifeless body just laying there. she so badly wanted you to magically wake up and be okay. her eyes fell on joel who had just barely woken up checking his surroundings and his eyes falling on you. her body ached from laying there her head pounding, she tried to get up as quick as possible her body dragging against the floor to get to you. the path felt so far away but you were so close. moving the hair from your face she grimaced at the hair sticking from the dried up blood. her breath hitched as she pulled the hair away seeing what was left of your face, your eye covered and the other closed. she didn’t know where it came from but she started screaming, her throat hurting from the pure force of her screams. she picked herself up and pulled you into her lap, tears invading her eyes and her screams louder by the second.

joel soon after screaming with her, the emotions hitting him like the plague. wishing this wasn’t real that he had lost another daughter. his youngest, his pride and joy that he couldn’t protect, just like sarah. jesse was helping tommy up as he stumbled back seeing the scene in front of him, his own voice getting caught up in a gasp.

“no please wake up!! fuck! help me please someone! she has to wake up please please…” ellie sounded desperate her voice slowly becoming more and more pleading for someone, something to come help. joel had tried his best to crawl to ellie, holding her as close as possible. more people from patrols came down gasping at the image in front of them, helping joel up and pulling ellie away. she thrashed around in dina’s arms wanting to go back to you.

“please please! i need to hold her! she’s going to wake up please!!.” she pleaded and slowly stopped and all she let out were whimpers and whispers of pleads. she knew you weren’t coming back, she knew she didn’t have another chance to apologize, she didn’t have another chance with you. ellie forgot about why she was even mad at you, why she had stopped talking to you, all she wanted was you back and you weren’t coming back. she regretted everything, she wished she could’ve said i love you or kissed you one last time.

the ride back and anything after that was a blur, ellie felt dead she felt like her heart stopped and she was just in purgatory. when she got back to jackson she didn’t even want to go home, knowing you weren’t going to be there. ellie wanted to be left alone but she didn’t at the same time, she didn’t know what she wanted really. she stayed with joel not wanting to leave his side knowing how he must feel right now. they had taken him to the infirmary to get his leg treated, ellie had gotten treated and waited just outside after. sitting on the steps not moving staring at the snow that was coating the ground.

“hey kiddo…” joel came back out with a patched up leg. ellie whipped around to see him staring at her holding his arms out. she jumped up and crashed into him, the tears coming back like a wave. they stayed like that for a little bit soaking in the warmth of each others bodies until ellie pulled back.

“m’sorry i got your shirt wet.” she sniffled and wiped her face.

“is’okay kiddo…they uh they’re gonna have a small lighting for her and were gonna bury her, i think you should be there to say goodbye.” she nodded and that was a response enough for joel. he pulled her back into a hug the smell of him reminded her of you, it brought her comfort. when she held you, you didn’t smell the same you only smelt of blood and she hated it. ellie couldn’t stop smelling it and seeing you laying there.

she stayed with joel, picking out an outfit for you to wear, getting you ready to be buried and helping him walk over to the cemetery with her. they hadn’t shared much words between each other but being each others company right now helped them both. standing next to each other at the lighting, ellie had barely listened to what maria was saying and all the speeches. her thoughts were all jumbled, thinking about how you had looked. they had let it be open casket, which ellie thought was a shitty way of saying goodbye to loved ones. tommy had went first seeing your cleaned off face being able to recognize you but your face was still not intact, it made his gut drop and he swallowed loudly. tears coming to his eyes as he sees how cold and pale you look. he kisses your forehead and walks to the side to let ellie go next.

she didn’t want to look she didn’t want to believe that you were in your casket at the age of 19. it wasn’t supposed to be like this, you weren’t supposed to be in there. she slowly made her way over and peaked in the casket seeing you cleaned from the blood, you face wasn’t the same. she let out a loud sob and felt her knees buckle underneath her, joel held onto her as she sobbed looking at your lifeless body.

“im so sorry baby…please come back please. i need you here i can’t live life without you here.” she sobbed with her body over the casket, she grabbed your hand and she didn’t feel the warmth of your skin, it felt cold. ellie pulled herself up and tried to warm you up, kissing your hand and blowing into it thinking it might help. she wanted you to feel warmth before you were buried into the cold icy ground.

“i love you so much, please wake up.” ellie sounded desperate, joel was crying seeing you in there and seeing ellie hunch over your body. he was thankful that he was able to say goodbye to you but kids shouldn’t die before their parents. he felt like he failed again as a parent it should’ve been him in there and not you, he knew he should’ve done something. he kissed your forehead and said goodbye to you, they all walked off and they lowered you in the ground. ellie felt like she couldn’t breathe, her heart was pounding out of her chest and she had cried to the point of a headache. she started to feel the soreness from getting beat up, she needed to lie down.

the ceremony ended and everyone dispersed back to their homes, saying sorry for your loss as they passed ellie and joel. ellie didn’t say anything, she just stared at the ground. they all left and it was just ellie, joel, tommy and maria.

“let me know when you want to leave, i’ve got your back don’t worry.” tommy whispered to joel as they hugged. ellie knew what they were going to do, they were trying to leave to find those people and leave you behind. she wasn’t going to let that happen. tommy left with maria and left them alone together.

“were you just going to leave without me and think that would be okay?” her voice sounded hoarse, her throat in pain from screaming.

“i don’t want you going kiddo, we don’t know what were up against.”

“exactly why i should go, you have a blown out leg joel.”

“ill make it work, i don’t want you goin’.”

“im going i don’t care, she means a lot to me too. i love her too i have the right to go and help.” joel knows she’s right, he has a blown out leg for crying out loud, he can barely walk. he sighs and nods.

“you’re right you’re right…ill come get you, were leaving later tonight.” they both walked back to their respected homes. ellie ran into her little garage and grabbed her backpack to pack what she needed. ellie felt anger now, she felt the rage build up in her to find who did this and kill them she felt thirsty for blood and needed to get revenge. it was all for you, she knows if it was her or joel you would’ve been long gone by now she wanted needed an outlet to let her anger out and it was getting revenge. she was going to find and she was going to kill every last one of them.

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a/n: i kind of gave up at the end up i’ve had this in my drafts for months and wanted to get back to writing!