#I am scanning every page I find useful so I can try to get a grasp on him again | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

sunflowersandsapphires · 1 year ago

Text

Why you gotta tempt my trouble?

Of Oak and Ivy, Chapter 1

Series Masterlist Next Chapter

pairing: Matt Murdock x fem!reader

summary: In college, Matt Murdock had two best friends, Foggy Nelson and you. However, life had no intention of letting you graduate with him. When he reconnects with you in adulthood, he is troubled to see the hand God has dealt you and vows to use every tool at his disposal to save you from damnation.

warnings: swearing, sickly sweet fluff, get ready for some pining y'all.

a/n: Here's the first chapter of the college fic! The next one won't be posted until I've written a few more (which might be a while because I'm trying to make them longer and I'm only one chapter ahead at the moment.) Please let me know if you like it and want to see more or be added to the taglist!

w/c: 5.3k

Digging the heels of your hands into your eyes, you resisted the urge to bang your head on the counter you sat at in an attempt to reboot the organ. This passage made no damn sense and you had mere days to understand it and conform to its ideals in order to do well in the class that it was assigned to. Biting your lip, you flipped back a few pages to start the chapter over for the third time when the sound of someone clearing their throat nearly startled you out of your seat.

“Oh my gosh, I am so sorry, I didn’t see you!” Saving your place in the worn book, you looked up to find a young man standing before you. He was handsome, with fluffy, inky locks and a charming smile on his lips.

“That’s alright, I, uh, can’t quite fault you there.” He smiled sideways at you, gesturing to the opaque rectangular frames on his nose. Your mouth formed an “O” shape before you tripped over your response.

“I want to laugh but that feels wrong. Is it more rude to laugh or not laugh? Oh god, forget I said that, I—“

The boy in front of you chuckled. “It’s quite alright, and it was meant to be a joke.”

“Right, well, sorry again. How can I help you?” You clasped your hands, tilting your head as you waited for his response.

“I was wondering if you had braille copies of any of these textbooks?” As he posed the question, the handsome boy passed you a list of the textbooks he was looking for.

Looking over the document, you pursed your lips. “That is a fantastic question that we will have to answer together. I wish I knew off the top of my head, but today's only my third day on the job.” You cringed, wishing your manager was here.

“I imagine it’s not a common question, so I won’t hold it against you.” There was that charming smile again. Your insides felt like they were slowly melting under his grin.

“That’s, um, very kind of you.” You stammered out, feeling heat flood your cheeks.

“Matt.” He broke in. “Matt Murdock. And you are..?”

Offering your name, you dutifully turned back to the index, scanning the pages for any clue as to where braille copies would be stocked.

“That’s a pretty name, it suits you.” Your fingers halted in their dance across the page, your eyes flitting back to the gorgeous customer.

“As much as I appreciate that, turning up the charm won’t change the fact that it might take a minute for me to find these.” Your eyes narrowed as you became skeptical of his intentions.

“Take your time. It’ll give me more time to get to know you.” The flirty grin never faltered on Matt’s face.

“Oh you’re trouble.” You shook your head, thumbing through the pages of the file before you. “I’m starting to think I should search on my own.”

Matt just laughed, leaning forward on his white cane and grinning at you. “Where should we start?”

“I have a couple ideas.”

You and Matt searched far and wide for accessible copies of the textbooks he needed. While they—thankfully—did exist, they were scattered throughout the store haphazardly, not in either location the index had suggested. The lack of care and attention the volumes had gotten was making you progressively more irritated. There was absolutely no reason these books should’ve been treated with such disrespect, even if they weren’t commonly asked for.

After finding all but one book on his list, it was barely past store closing. Locking the door with a huff, you clocked out before joining Matt where he was seated on the ground by the first shelf.

“I hate to say this, but I think we might need to order you a new copy.” You remarked with a frown, scuffing your shoe along the faded carpet on the bookstore’s floor.

Matt, whose pleasant personality hadn’t dimmed despite the lackluster findings, simply chuckled, knocking his shoulder into yours.

“Well, we gave it the old college try, so to speak.” He waggled his eyebrows at you above his dark glasses.

You groaned, but couldn’t help the soft chuckle that escaped your throat. Despite your intense introversion and social awkwardness, Matt put you at ease.

“Sorry, my roommate is rubbing off on me.” He gave an exaggerated grimace.

“Is he a law student too?”

“Yep. Foggy Nelson. The three of us might actually have some classes together.” Matt’s face lit up with the idea. You’d confessed during your hunt that you had already purchased your own copies of many of the books on his list. Given that you were both first year law students, it made sense that you’d be in classes with one another, but you felt a weight lift off your chest nonetheless.

“Honestly, that makes me feel so much better. I’m incredibly nervous.” You confessed, focusing on a fraying patch of carpet underneath your sneaker.

“I’m sure you’ll do great.” Matt leaned against you, focusing on you in a way that made your chest flutter.

“See you say that not knowing how long it’s taking me to get through the first reading assignment for Legal Methods.” You dropped your head into your hands, remembering the cursed passage from earlier.

“Foggy mentioned something about that book. It’s…outdated?”

“That’s an understatement. The first chapter is about a famous eugenics case, Buck v Bell, and I might be reading it wrong but it seems like the author is suggesting that we don’t have ableism that resembles that of the case in current day? I was getting so frustrated reading it that I honestly couldn’t tell if it was confusing or just a stupid argument.” You explained.

“It’s in the McKinnon book, right? If you want, we could read it together and try to figure it out? Unless you have somewhere else to get to…” Matt Murdock, the charming, unswayable man you’d met a few hours ago blushed at the question, making you grin.

“I would love to hear your opinion on the text, Mr. Murdock. We can start an unofficial study group.”

“I like the sound of that. Let’s crack open this shit show.” Matt let you pull him off the ground and over to your work station where he opened his own copy of the text and began to read.

A few hours and more than a few boxes of takeout later, you and Matt were still working your way through the chapter, though you’d both decided with certainty that the text was more angering than confusing.

“If the professor is as ableist as this author, I’ll never be able to pass this class.” You grumbled, shoving the hellish book away from you. “There’s no way I can pretend that eugenic ideals have disappeared, even for a better grade.”

“Seriously. I’m hoping it’s supposed to make us mad so we can argue about it? Though I seriously doubt everyone will be on our side, unfortunately.” Matt scowled.

“Well, at least we have each other, right?” The man in front of you perked up with that comment, but you hurriedly corrected yourself. “And your roommate, of course.”

Deflating slightly, Matt scratched the back of his neck. “Speaking of, I should probably get back so he doesn’t send out a search party. I’ll see you in class?”

“See you then, trouble maker.” You murmured, smiling softly at him.

“Have a good night, sweetheart. Get home safe.”

“You too.”

A few days later, your evening with the sweet law student had fallen to the back of your mind as nerves about your first semester of classes set in. Fidgeting with your outfit in the mirror, you inhaled a shaky breath.

“Stop worrying, you’ll be fine!” The voice of your roommate, Jen, rang out across your shared loft making your brow furrow.

“Easy for you to say! You’ve done this before.” You groused, still examining your reflection. Jen was an old friend of yours who had lived down the street from you growing up. The two of you had been practically inseparable since elementary school, despite the fact that she was two years older than you.

“Jen’s right, you know.” Oscar, Jen’s long-term boyfriend and your unofficial second roommate, squeezed your shoulder on his way to the kitchen. “Everyone is going to be nervous, so they won’t have time to judge you.”

“Yah, yah. I appreciate the votes of confidence but, unfortunately, my anxiety and I have to hit the road. I would rather not be late.”

“Have fun!” Oscar called as you grabbed your bag.

“You’re gonna kill it!” Shouted Jen as you exited the apartment.

You shook your head, hoping they were right, and set off for your first ever Columbia Law class.

The trek across campus was pretty and the walk helped you calm your racing thoughts. The walkways were littered with other first year students who looked more clueless than you—including a blond boy with a kind face who was staring quizzically at a kiosk in front of him that was plastered with event flyers.

He muttered to himself for a moment before reaching to the side of the kiosk obscured from your view and tugging on the arm of someone beside him. “Ok dude, according to this map we should be heading…” He paused, squinting at the paper he was reading before dramatically pointing left. “West!”

“That’s East.” You chuckled, walking over to inspect the map for yourself. As you neared the misguided fellow, your eyes widened as you recognized his friend. “Matt?”

Laughing brightly and greeting you, Matt tugged free of the other man’s grip and strode over to you. “Are you following me?” He narrowed his eyes at you but his tone remained playful.

Shoving him, you scoffed. “You wish, Murdock. I was going to warn your friend here that the upperclassmen usually put up fake maps as a prank on the first day of classes.”

“Thank god we have someone to warn us of their cruelty, or we’d be dead meat!” The blond spun around and bowed in front of you. “Franklin Nelson, at your service m’lady. You can call me Foggy”

You giggled, introducing yourself. “It’s such a shitty prank. Thankfully, I have roommates who are in their third year and they showed me around weeks ago. Where are you headed?”

“Greene Hall.” Matt informed you.

“Oh, that’s where I’m headed too! Civil Procedure? With Professor McGuiness?”

“The very same! We’re damn lucky to have run into you.” Foggy sighed, shaking his head.

“It’s this way, and we aren’t too far. We’ll probably get there early.”

“That’s good because this one,” Foggy stuck a thumb at Matt, “Has this idea that we need to sit in the front if we don’t want to fail. I’d be perfectly fine sitting in the last row and never being called on once!”

“Studies show that sitting in one of the first few rows increases retention!” Matt elbowed his roommate who just snorted.

“Retention schmention. I say we sit by the cutest people in the class and have them tutor us when we inevitably fail.” Foggy winked at you and you laughed.

Matt squeezed your arm, leaning closer to you. “I think that can be arranged regardless.”

Heat rose in your cheeks as his flirtatious grin made a reappearance. “Oh shut up, trouble maker, or I’ll sit in the very last row just to spite you.”

“We wouldn’t want that.” Matt held out an arm, “Mind walking me to class, sweetheart?”

Rolling your eyes, you turned to Foggy. “How do you put up with him? You’re a Saint, truly.” But you took Matt’s arm anyway, ensuring that you were keeping a steady pace and avoiding anything he might trip over.

The walk to your first law class was, eventful, to say the least. Matt and Foggy were clearly soulmates of a sort, with their nonstop bantering and the way they balanced each other out. Foggy was a ray of sunshine, while Matt was more comfortable in the shadows, so to speak. The blond was all loud declarations and bright smiles, while Matt was more low toned flirting and quiet observations. They were both incredibly intelligent, overly sarcastic, and had a flair for the dramatic. You were ecstatic to have stumbled into their lives.

Matt had successfully cajoled the both of you into sitting with him in the second row, a compromise which Foggy considered a huge win. As students filed in, you subconsciously fiddled with your shirt, suddenly feeling incredibly insecure about your presence in this classroom. A gentle hand grabbed your wrist, making you jump.

“Relax,” Matt whispered. “You look fine, trust me.”

“How do you know?” You murmured nervously.

“Those boys a few rows behind us are staring.” Matt’s smile remained, but his voice held a tension you couldn’t quite place. “And the TA is trying very hard not to.”

“How on earth can you tell that?” You raised an eyebrow at him, incredulous.

“Matt is seriously like some sort of super powered being. He has the greatest intuition of anyone I’ve ever met. Best to trust him about these things.” Foggy nodded solemnly, clearly trying not to burst out laughing.

You simply rolled your eyes, pulling your notebook from your bag. Opening it to the correct page, you stifled a giggle as Foggy leaned over Matt’s lap to whisper-yell at you.

“Why do you already have notes written? Matt, why does she already have notes written?”

“I like to come prepared. I took notes on the first few chapters of the book.”

“But we didn’t even have an assignment for this class!”

“Yah, but I was bored at work and I thought I’d get a head start.” You just shrugged but Foggy glared at you, shaking a finger in your face.

“You’re gonna make the rest of us look like slackers! You, missy, have some apologizing to do.”

“For doing my due diligence?” You laughed.

“Yes! For being too proactive. I think you owe us a tutoring session or two.” Foggy crossed his arms with a huff.

“You have no idea if I even know what I’m doing, these notes could be gibberish!” You chuckled, shaking your head.

“Nope, it’s good material. I can tell. You owe us. Doesn’t she, Matt?” Foggy elbowed his roommate who smirked.

“I think he might be right, sweetheart. What would you say to being the leader of our study group.” Matt tilted his head, focusing on you.

“Do I have a choice?” You sighed.

“No!” Foggy exclaimed at the same time Matt responded, “Not really.”

“Then I accept, but I want my objection noted.”

“It’s all in the record, don’t worry.” Foggy waved a hand, turning his attention back to the front of the room as the Professor walked to the front.

The rest of the week went similarly, as you had three of four classes at the same time as Matt and Foggy. They made great company, so you could hardly complain, but it was the first meeting of your “unofficial official study group” (as Foggy had dubbed it) and you were quite nervous.

You were fairly confident that you knew what you were talking about, but the idea of being the backbone for two other grades besides your own was quite stressful. Not to mention the jittery feeling you got every time your brain reminded you that you’d been in Matt’s room with him for an extended period of time. You chided yourself, Matt—though he was incredibly flirty—was one of the best friends you’d ever had, and you’d be damned before you jeopardized that because you were touch-starved and more than a little thirsty.

Taking a deep breath to keep your antsy libido in check, which was getting increasingly difficult given the fact that you were sitting atop Matt’s bed practically cuddled against him, you turned your focus to the space in front of you for a moment of redirection.

The room was small, a standard dorm room with two long skinny bed frames that held stiff foam mattresses, two identical desks with chipped paint and lumpy rolling chairs, and a bolted-shut window. Although the room was dim and cramped, the view was gorgeous, overlooking a rectangular patch of grass framed with lush green trees and the distant Manhattan skyline, bright with yellow lights against the black of the atmosphere.

Shifting your focus to the inside of the room, you smiled at the dichotomy on full display. While it was clear both boys had cleaned in preparation for your visit, Foggy’s side of the room was haphazardly straightened, with loose socks peeking out from underneath the bed and a handful of stray candy wrappers still visible atop his desk. Matt’s half of the space was meticulously organized, complete with braille labels. It was clear that everything had its place.

A shoulder nudged yours and you choked on a breath in your haste to turn towards the presence beside you. Matt smirked, but a small crease was present between his brows. “You ok? You stopped reading…”

“Yup!” You squeaked, clearing your throat and trying again. “Yes, sorry. Got distracted by your view.” Which was mostly true...

“Is it nice? Foggy’s never told me.” Matt grins sideways at you, furrow on his smooth skin fading.

“It’s…stunning. There’s a lot of green up front, with the lawn and plants and whatnot, but the red brick buildings contrast beautifully. And behind campus you can see the rest of the city, like we’re in an urban valley almost. It’s not like anything I’ve ever seen.”

“It sounds pretty. You should describe more sights for me, sweetheart. You’re good at it.”

Heat ran up your face at the compliment, pulsing in your cheeks and the tips of your ears. Turning from the window, you found your chest settling calmly as you studied Matt’s face. You’d never been this close to him and it was startling how easily his innocuous expression stirred up emotions in you.

He had the slightest shadow of stubble gracing his sharp jawline. As you ran your eyes along his face, you found yourself lingering on the beautiful hazel eyes, nearly blocked by his dark glasses. The blank, honey-bronze orbs held more emotion than you’d ever seen in someone’s expression. In the small time you’d known Matt, you found yourself constantly moved by his passion—for his city, for justice, for Foggy, even for you.

“So can we get back to the precedent of Buck v. Bell or are you just gonna stare lovingly at Matt all night?” Foggy smiled sweetly at you but the glint in his eyes made it clear he was annoyed.

“I wasn’t—I mean I—“ You sputtered, scootching farther away from Matt in an effort to conceal your obvious crush.

“Whatever. It’s late and I’d like to finish soon. Precedent?” Foggy prompted, pointing to his textbook.

“Well, the main point is that disabled and institutionalized individuals were no longer considered to have the same rights as other people.” Matt huffed, thumbing through his textured pages.

“Right. And the opinion implies that losing rights through due process opens you up to losing rights in the future without another trial.” You added, squinting at a particular paragraph for clarity.

“Which sucks, but checks out for 1927.” Foggy frowned.

“If I’m interpreting the important parts correctly, this case is meant to highlight an important consequence of precedent, which is that one decision can impact the judicial system for decades, even over important things like due process.” You explained, turning to Matt. “Is that what you got from this?”

“That’s about what I interpreted, yah.” Matt nodded, giving Foggy a sly grin. “That enough of an explanation for ya, Nelson? Or do we need to break it down point by point.”

“Shut up, Murdock.” Foggy grumbled. “I’d be better with this if I wasn’t dog-tired.”

“You’re doing great, Foggy. Don’t listen to him. All we have left to do this week is read for Torts and then we are home free.” You smiled sympathetically.

“Ugh!” Foggy flopped down onto his pillows, covering his face with his hands.

“Not to be a pain, but I don’t have this text…” Matt shifted uncomfortably, biting his lip.

“That’s alright, I can read mine aloud. If that’s ok with you, Foggy?” You looked to the half-asleep law student for confirmation who nodded tiredly.

“If it allows me to close my eyes, I’d be more than happy to listen.”

Matt chuckled, before tilting his head towards you. “Can I come closer? To make sure I don’t miss anything?” You could’ve sworn you saw Foggy roll his eyes, but you blinked and he remained still as a corpse against his pillows.

“Of course, Matt. Here.” Shuffling closer to him, you lay the textbook across both of your laps, trying incredibly hard to not focus on how warm he was. “This ok?”

Matt nodded, mouth parted slightly and your eyes followed his tongue as it darted out to wet his lips. For a moment, all you heard was static and the soft puffs of Matt’s breath. Coming back into your body, you shook your head to clear out the lovestruck cobwebs.

“Ok, um, Introduction to American Civil Law: Chapter 1, Liability and Negligence…”

To tell the honest truth, Matt hadn’t taken in a word you’d spoken since you passed the introductory paragraph. Legal jargon washed over him like the water of a warm bath, spoken by a soothing dulcet voice and punctuated by the steady thump of your kind heart. Your thigh was resting against his and he could feel the tension in your neck as you desperately kept it mere inches from its desired landing place on his shoulder. Your soft t-shirt brushed over his arm with each expanse of your chest as you inhaled, rubbing more of your sweet lavender and vanilla scent over his skin.

As you continued to be blissfully unaware of his lack of attention, or rather his abundance of attention, his body was fighting an internal battle to not sweep you into his arms and bury his face in your neck.

Leaving St. Agnes had been a culture shock for the ages, but Matt was beginning to love it. The orphanage had been an overwhelmingly lonely place, which Matt attributed to his tendency to pick fights and his disability causing him to stand out. Meeting his new roommate had been nerve wracking, but Foggy was as easy to like as the first ray of sunshine in the spring, despite his grumpiness when he was exhausted. Sure he was messy and his snoring had kept Matt awake for hours, but he had a massive heart. Though he and Foggy had very different lifestyles, the other man fit perfectly into his life, as did you. Matt was more than aware of his tendency to form quick attachments, but his feelings toward you were an entirely different beast.

The night he’d met you in the bookstore, an invitation to go on a date with him had been teetering on the edge of his tongue for hours. Flirting came naturally to him, one of the many reasons he didn’t get along with the other boys of Clinton Church, but given his less than standard childhood, he’d never had the opportunity to start a relationship. Every minute he spent with you made it more obvious that you deserved to be loved, not aimlessly thrown into a date or two, and Matt wasn’t sure he would be able to provide that. At least not now.

An ear-splitting snore sounded from the other side of the room, abruptly ending his daydream. Your arm left its place at his side as you stifled a laugh. “Guess I was more boring than I thought.”

“Trust me, it’s not because of you. That man could fall asleep to the sound of a fire alarm if he tried hard enough.” Matt smirked, humor not quite reaching his eyes as his brain mourned the loss of your touch. Feeling you shift tensely next to him, he pondered for a moment. “If you’re worried about waking him, we could go somewhere else?”

“Where would we go at 2 in the morning on a Thursday?” You groaned, desperately aching to be done with school work for the week but simultaneously more than willing to spend all night with Matt.

“I know a place. But we will probably want this blanket.” Matt grinned at you as your confusion peaked, but you threw the blanket over your shoulder and took his hand nonetheless.

How your friend had discovered that the roof of Butler Library remained accessible after hours via a secluded maintenance stairwell, you’d never know—but you couldn’t help but thank the heavens for granting you this slice of paradise.

The cement that compromised the roof was cold, a symptom of being deprived of the sun for hours now, but you and Matt lay huddled together on his bedspread, lounging in a pocket of warmth your closeness had created. You were practically snuggling, which was not helping soothe the part of your brain that was rabidly attracted to him, sharing your highs and lows from the week.

As the two of you giggled about an incident with a pigeon that had decided to attend Civil Procedure, you found your eyes tracing over the moonlit form of the beautiful man before you, who seemed to notice your staring as his lips quirked up. “So, tell me, sweetheart, how’s a girl like you end up in a place like this?”

With an exaggerated groan, you shoved him playfully. “You and your damn lines, Murdock.”

With a chuckle, Matt’s expression turned from something entirely playful into one of genuine interest. “Seriously, what brought you to Columbia?” Feeling your heart pound under his blank gaze, you blew out a breath.

“That is a long, sad story that I’m sure you don’t really—“

“If you don’t want to tell me, I totally get it. But I’d like to know more about you.” Matt’s answer was honest and lacking his perpetually flirty edge that kept you at a safe distance, which sent a burst of heat to your stomach that you weren’t expecting.

“Oh, well...” Sighing deeply, you considered your options. You’d had a hard time making friends in the past, and had a tendency to over share (or so you’d been told), but Matt had asked for the real answer. That meant he really wanted it, right?

Steeling yourself for the impending rejection, you confessed. “I’m originally from Connecticut. Small little town called Bridgewater, about an hour from New Haven. It’s just me and my mom, really. My dad lives in godknowswhere, Virginia with my two siblings and his girlfriend. He’s…kinda the worst, so we don’t talk much. My mom though, she’s amazing. I owe everything to her.”

Matt smiled at you, nodding encouragingly when you hesitated.

“Um, yah, so long story short, she was diagnosed with cancer when I was a kid. My dad has sort of always been a jackass but her prognosis…I don’t know, it was the last straw for him. I don’t remember much but they started arguing about money and then, he took everything. I didn’t realize it at the time, my mom is the nicest person on the planet and she would never blame my dad for her misfortune, but we lost our house, she lost her job, her assets, two of her kids—though they didn’t fight to stay like I did. The longer I lived, the more curious I became about everything and when I did some digging in high school, I found out my dad had claimed everything in the divorce. He and his attorney had argued that my mom was abusive and financially exploiting him and the judge gave him anything he asked for. I decided I wanted to be a lawyer so I could stop others from going through what my mom and I have.”

The story poured out of you, relieving a pressure you’d been carrying for as long as you remembered. Matt simply listened intently, emotions passing over his face in small flashes as you described your past. Realizing all of the bullshit you’d just dumped on him, you cringed.

“I’m sorry, that was a lot, I just…” Matt’s brow furrowed and his hand shot out to cup your elbow.

“No! No, I’m just so sorry that happened. Your dad sounds like a piece of work.” He gave a disgusted grimace and you giggled.

“He is. My mom still loves him though, bless her heart. We spend Christmas with him every year like he didn’t ruin her life.” The laugh that you have held no humor. “Anyway, that’s my backstory. What about you, trouble maker?” You leaned into the loose hold Matt kept on your arm, eager to learn more about him.

“Well, I’m from New York. Hell’s Kitchen, born and raised just like Foggy. I, uh, I never knew my mom. Was close with my dad, though. He was a boxer, taught me a lot about fighting, persistence.” Matt’s face fell slightly as he paused. Intertwining your fingers with his, your smile softened.

“He sounds like a good man.”

Matt nodded. “Yah, he uh, he was. He died when I was 9.”

Eyes widening, a hasty apology spilled out of you. “Oh Matt, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize—“ A squeeze of your hand stopped you in your tracks.

“It’s ok. I do miss him, though. After he died, I was taken in by an orphanage, raised by nuns. This is, really the first time I’ve lived without feeling like I’m being watched.” Matt chuckled awkwardly, removing his fingers from yours to push up his glasses. “Law interested me for a reason similar to yours, I suppose. My dad, uh, he was murdered. Organized crime hit. I tried to get someone, anyone really, to bring the group to justice and I…failed. Made me realize the justice system needs more devoted participants, I guess.” Taking his hand back into yours, you ran a thumb over his knuckles, allowing him to collect his thoughts before continuing the conversation.

“So you’re interested in criminal law then?” Your heart flipped happily as Matt’s starlit face lit up again.

“Honestly, I’m interested in most of it. But the more I learn about the world, the more I realize how important criminal defense is. My dad’s murder inspired this journey, but what I do with the degree, it’ll be in his memory. I’m starting to think that defense would be the best way to honor him.”

How on Earth did you manage to find the sweetest boy on campus? “That’s…beautiful Matt. Really. He must be so proud of you already.”

Matt’s lips twitched but he seemed unsure. “Maybe he should wait to see if I actually get this degree. Torts is already shaking up to be a nightmare.”

“Ugh, that’s for damn sure.” You laughed breathily, shivering as a breeze pierced your thin shirt.

Face twisting with concern, Matt ran his hand over your arm. “Are you cold? Sorry, I didn’t think it would get this chilly out.”

“Oh, it’s ok! I’m not that cold.” You assured him, relishing in the soft brushes of his calloused fingertips over your arm.

Raising a brow at you, Matt pulled off the crew neck he was wearing, handing it to you. “Humor me.”

Rolling your eyes at his demanding tone, you slipped the garment over your head. The worn gray sweatshirt was soft and comfortably warm with Matt’s body heat. It was such a pleasant relief from the frigid cement that you had to bite back a groan. Breathing in the earthy, clean scent that always followed Matt, you sighed in relief.

“Thank you.”

“Anytime, sweetheart.” Matt grinned.

The night didn’t go on for too much longer after you spilled your guts to your new friend. At his insistence, you called Oscar and Jen to come pick you up rather than walking home.

You fell asleep easily that night and, while it would be easy to blame the late hour, the fabric of Matt’s sweatshirt wrapped around you may have had something to do with it.

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4dkellysworld · 1 year ago

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Why clear the subconscious to realise Self

I hope this helps people who are struggling with trauma/deeply rooted wounds and are looking for a way to reconcile this with their goal of self-realisation 💕

Context:

The prime obstacle we meet in seeking this unlimited being is the subconscious mind. It is full of thoughts of limitations which propel us every day and they do so automatically. We have made these habits of subconscious thoughts so strong that even when we recognize the direction we would like to go in, the subconscious thoughts keep directing us for quite some time (sometimes lifetimes) until we finally succeed in overcoming them. We overcome them with thoughts of what we really want to do in life, and in that way we become master over the mind, controlling and eliminating the thoughts until only the thoughts we want determine our behavior. Then we’re in a position where we can do something about the mind. We can start to transcend the mind, rising above it and dropping it. In short we let it go! And when we do we find ourselves this pure, infinite, limitless, totally free Being that we naturally are. Then happiness is complete. from Session 9: Mastering Mind and Matter of Keys to the Ultimate Freedom - Lester Levenson

The following excerpt illustrates Lester Levenson's own journey to self-realisation: he actually cleared a chunk of his own subconscious thoughts first before going onto self-inquiry. This would have allowed for a much quieter mind than if he just dived into self-inquiry without it.

I began correcting all my thoughts and feelings in that direction from that of wanting to be loved, to that of loving. And in that process, I discovered another major thing that kind of shocked me. I saw that I wanted to change this entire world, and that was the cause of my ulcers — or one of the major causes. In realizing how much I wanted to change things in this world, I saw how it made me a slave of this world, I made the decision to reverse that. And in the process of following out these two directions — actually unloading all the sub-conscious concepts and pressures in those directions — I discovered I was getting happier, freer, lighter, and feeling better in general. As I saw this direction was good, I made the decision that if a slice of pie tasted this good, I wanted the whole pie. And I decided not to let go of this direction until I got that entire pie of happiness, and with it the answer to “What am I? What is this life, and what is my relationship to it?” This decision allowed me, as I claim, to get the answer to life itself in a matter of only three months. I believe if I can do it, anyone can do it if they have that much “want to”. In that three month period, all the ailments I had in my physical body corrected. All my miseries dropped away. And I ended up in a place in which I was happy all the time, without sorrow. Not that the world stopped pushing against me —it continued — but I was at a place where I could resolve things almost immediately. Having cleared out the negative fears, all the negative “I can not’s,” I would focus right on the answer to every problem, and get it very quickly. And so, my whole life turned around from being depressed and sick, to being happy all the time, and being in perfect health all the time. from About the Author of another version of Keys to the Ultimate Freedom, also probably in his autobiography No Attachments, No Aversions

I'm not sure why some of the digital versions of Lester's Keys to The Ultimate Freedom didn't include this final session 37 because it's in a scanned copy of a 1993 version (1 year before he died). He had spoken on the importance of clearing subconscious thoughts first to quiet the mind but this was watered down in the 109 page digital version and even overlooked in Session 1 where he says it's "not necessary to dig up this unconscious mind, in fact it's much better to try to quiet the mind." (the wording was changed in other versions to highlight clearing subconscious thoughts first). Depending on the individual ego's own history of trauma, limiting/negative beliefs, tendencies, habits etc (aka samskaras in Hindu philosophy), they may or may not be able to easily quiet their mind to see their Self (the main goal) if they keep getting bombarded with thoughts they can't control despite their best efforts to disidentify/drop/ignore/meditate/control it.

I also believe this is the missing piece and answer to dealing with trauma in a practical and appropriate way on the path to self-realisation. Any good therapy also ultimately concludes with releasing & letting go so it no longer affects the person anymore; this is the true essence of healing. I've personally found a lot of benefit and peace from clearing subconscious thoughts on my own journey and Lester did this too and benefited a lot - he didn't jump straight to self-inquiry (Ramana Maharshi considered self-inquiry to be a practice for 'ripe souls' and recommended other methods for aspirants first depending on their state of mind (to clear and quiet their mind in preparation for self-inquiry)).

So we are all going through the same trip of trying to discover what is this all about, where is my happiness, and when we stop chasing after it out there and we turn inward, we discover that all these hard negative, terrible feelings are only a feeling. And that it is possible to get rid of these feelings by releasing them. All these feelings are subconscious programs — every bit of them put in as pro survival — it's not only fear, but survival. All our feelings have been programmed in to automatically keep us surviving. They keep looking out there, trying to survive, keeping our minds active subconsciously 24 hours a day, so never do we stop to think and discover what we are. So what is it that is keeping us from being in the most delectable state that there is? Simply the accumulated programs called feelings, all these negative feelings have us constantly struggling to survive, having us constantly looking away from this tremendous thing that we are, and all we need to do is quiet that mind and become self-obvious to ourselves of this tremendous being that we are. How do we do it? I say it’s simple. The Release Technique*. It happens to be the fastest, the most effective way there is to achieve this high state of being. When we are in total control of our universe, where every moment is a wonderful, wonderful moment, it is impossible to be unhappy. And I say that is our natural state when these negative feelings are released. So I urge you to learn this technique. It’s a tool, and in one week's time, there will be a big change in you for the better, and from there on, you will continue to get better and better, lighter and lighter, happier and happier. from Session 37: Release your Loving Nature - Keys to the Ultimate Freedom *The appendix describing this technique refers to a whole book called The Sedona Method (written by one of Lester's students) and it was too damn long & boring for me to read lol. (If you're interested in the book, you can download it from my Google Drive) The basic instructions is to bring subconscious thoughts to the conscious so they can be dropped: Feel all the thoughts/emotions (if any) and imagine them leaving your being, acknowledge them then consciously choose to release & let them go now so they no longer have a hold on you.

So clearing a chunk of subconscious thoughts first (not aiming for perfection, just clearing the major roadblocks - in particular the ones that keep causing intrusive/compulsive thoughts no matter how much you ignore them) will help a lot in quieting the mind and then you can more easily do the other practices such as meditate/do self-inquiry/self-surrender with a quiet mind to see & know the Infinite Being you are.

Remember that there is no "one size fits all" approach to self-realisation because everyone has different history, traumas, mental/emotional/spiritual maturity, temperament etc (this is a reminder to let your Self be your main guide & guru and do what's appropriate for your own journey, you don't have to follow any guidance/practices/teachings that don't resonate with you even if others are saying something is this way or that way). Even Ramana Maharshi acknowledged this:

When asked once by Swami Yogananda, a Swami with a large following in America, what spiritual instruction should be given to the people for their uplift, Ramana Maharshi replied: “It depends on the temperament and spiritual maturity of the individual. There can be no mass instruction.”

Obligatory disclaimer that this post does not constitute as medical advice as I am not a therapist, this is based on my own understanding of non-duality as well as my personal ego experiences both on this journey and prior to. If there are major traumas that you feel you need to release first in order to quiet the mind, I would actually recommend finding a competent and trustworthy professional to help you unless you already have experience going through therapy and know how to dig into your own subconscious and release things on your own properly (going to therapy in the past gave me the understanding and experience to do this on my own now). I emphasize on the *properly* part because if you attempt to bring up major traumas from the subconscious without knowing how to properly deal with them, it could actually cause more harm to the psyche so be careful on this please.

So I actually do think therapy and trauma healing has a place on this path to self-realisation and this is where my beliefs deviate from 4dbarbie a bit (I still agree with leaving the mind alone but again, clearing the major subconscious traumas/wounds/blockages first has been immensely beneficial and effective in quieting the mind to make it easier to let go of/disidentify from ego and abide as Self). Everything that I share on this blog are intended to be pointers, suggestions and helpful tips for people on the same journey. If you resonate with it, feel free to explore it further and if it doesn't, you can disregard it :)

#writings #lester levenson #keys to ultimate freedom #ramana maharshi #practical #exercise #releasing

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shinestarhwaa · 9 months ago

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FELINE FANTASIES || MINNIE YONTARARAK

Genre: Smut

Pairing: Minnie x Female reader

Word Count: 2K

Tags/warnings: sexworker!Minnie, sexting, phonesex, masturbation, cunnilingus, squirting

Taglist: @anyamaris @a-soft-hornytiny @whatudowhennooneseesyou @wooyoungmybelovedhusband @pyeonghongrie-main @woosanbby @dreamlesswonder86 @changbinslovelylegs @jonghostie @lovjensoo @mjyungi @bratty-tingz @sugarnspice630 @stardragongalaxy @bro-atz @wisejudgedragonhairdo @mingisg00dgirl @wh0re4yunsangho

ENJOY!

This was not your proudest moment.

It's also isn't a very expected moment. At least, not to you. You had never imagined yourself dialing the number of a phonesex company for women. You just couldn't get yourself to press the call button yet. You felt your hands getting sweaty with anxiety and you looked around nervously as if anyone was gonna catch you in your own apartment.

You had stumbled upon an Feline Fantasies ad while trying to find a good porn video to get off to - spoiler alert: you couldn't. But on the bottom right side of the page a certain ad had caught your attention instead and the impulsive person in you immediately dialed the number. ''No,'' you spoke to yourself, deciding you should check if there's a website first. You typed in Feline Fantasies in the searchbar and quickly spotted the pink logo you saw earlier in the ad. You clicked the link and you were directed to the website.

The pink and white logo was centered at the top of the page and you scanned the text below it. You scrolled further down and saw they provided phonesex and sexting services. You bit your lip and decided to click on the button reading 'Sext with one of our girls now!' Your heart was pounding in your chest as you waited.

The site first told you to create an account and you did it mindlessly, answering several questions for confirmation. Then a new page opened, showing girls in various skincolours and sizes to suit anyone's taste. Every girl on the top row seemed to be available and you looked at their profiles for a bit, but your eyes quickly landed on 'Minnie' and you nearly dropped your phone. Fuck, she is hot. You clicked on her profile and read her intro text. ''Minnie is often called the Thai princess in our company but don't let her beauty fool you. With her quick wit and seductive tone she is a dreamlady for anyone. Do you wanna sext with Minnie? Click here.''

You scrolled through her pictures. She wore a revealing black dress and her black bangs fell a little over her seductive cat-like eyes. Her full lips were parted slightly and she bit her pointer finger seductively. When you scrolled a little further you were met by pictures from a nude photoshoot of Minnie. Your breath hitched in your throat when you saw the girl laying naked on a purple velvet sofa. Her hand was cupping one of her breasts and she winked seductively at the camera. If you weren't already wet you definitely would have been now.

The horniness takes over your brain and you click on the button, being redirected to a messaging page. A few dots started moving immediately, raising your anxiety. ''Oh God what am I even doing,'' you cursed at yourself.

Minnie: Hey there darling. Welcome to Feline Fantasies

Minnie: Is this your first time using our services?

You: Hi Minnie! Yes this is my first time

Minnie: Thank you for choosing me for your first experience! What can I do for you sweetie? ;)

You: I was trying to watch porn to help me get off and relieve some stress but I haven't been able to do so unfortunately... Then I saw the FF ad and I hoped you could help me..

Minnie: Oh I surely can help you cum sweetheart, are you alone? What are you wearing?

You: Yes I'm alone in my apartment, I'm laying in bed in a top and panties

Minnie: Touch your breast darling, fondle yourself gently to ease yourself in.

You sighed and brought your free hand up to your covered breast, your hard nipple poking through the material. You gently fondled your breast and took a deep relaxing breath.

Minnie: Take your top off baby and touch your nipples for me

Minnie: S that feeling good baby?

You: Very good, Minnie, I wish it was you, you'd look so hot touching me and talking to me You: Please continue

You took off your top and licked the tips of your thumb and pointer finger, wetting them before you circled your nipple and rubbed them between your fingers. You pushed your thighs together as you feel yourself throbbing at the thought of what's coming - you.

Minnie: Put your hand in your panties now baby, how wet is my princess for me?

You: Oh Minnie I'm so wet for you, I'm soaking my panties, I wish I could hear your voice

Minnie: That's possible if you switch from messaging to a phonecall, it will just cost a little extra babe x

You: That'll be worth it

You switched to phonecall and quickly completed the payment. Soon enough you heard Minnie's voice through your phone. ''Hey darling, here I am again, did you miss me?'' she giggled. You smiled and put your phone on speaker. ''For those 2 minutes? Yeah, very much so,'' you grinned. ''Are you ready to continue?'' Yes, ready.''

''Take your panties off baby, spread your legs for me.'' You obeyed her orders and slid two of your fingers through your folds. ''God, Minnie I'm so wet, I wanna cum so badly,'' you whined. ''Don't worry baby, I'm gonna make you cum, touch your clit... Circle it lightly...'' she spoke seductively into the speaker. You moaned when your fingers touched your clit. You circled it slowly, slowly pressing down on it. ''Hm, you sound so pretty baby, like an angel... Rub it quicker for me, go faster.''

You picked up the pace and started to rub your clit uncontrollably. ''Please keep talking Minnie, talk dirty to me, fuck, talk to me, I wanna hear your voice too, wanna hear you moan too,'' you panted. ''Whatever my babygirl wants,'' she said with an audible smirk plastered on her face. ''I'll tell you just what I'm doing. I'm sitting here and I'm rubbing my pussy through my pretty... lacy black lingerie... and you've gotten me so wet babygirl... My pussy got so excited for you,'' she moaned. You had no idea if she actually spoke the truth or if she was just playing an act like many callgirls did, but it didn't matter for you in the moment. Wetness was flooding from between your legs as you kept rubbing your clit as you listened to Minnie gush about how wet you got her.

''Hm, putting two fingers inside my wet pussy now baby, oh~ Oh God Y/N,'' she cried. Her moans sounded so pornographic and it raised every hair on your body and made you tingle. ''M-Minnie, fuck, I can already feel it!'' you whined out. ''Yeah baby? Does that make you cum? Then cum for me baby, oh yes, fuck!'' she moaned. She kept encouraging you while she moaned and panted into the speaker, sending you over the edge. You spasmed uncontrollably and rode out your orgasm.

''That's a good girl,'' she praised you in a soft voice, ''cumming so beautifully for me.'' You sighed contently, tired after the long process of trying to cum, but you didn't want it to be over just yet. ''What's wrong princess?'' ''I'm tired but I don't want it to stop...'' ''Well this doesn't have to be the last time we're in contact right baby? Plenty more opportunities for us to call and maybe next time we'll cum together,'' she giggled.

In the weeks after that it became a regular thing for you to call Minnie. It embarrassed you how many money you spent on her but it was worth it for you, it was your own dirty little secret.

On a regular Friday afternoon you were walking out of your work office and stopped at the nearby coffeeshop to pick up an iced americano and a cupcake but you nearly choked on your own saliva when you saw a certain someone sitting in the café. Your body trembled but it led you to stand in front of her. She looked up and smiled softly, ''Hi... Can I... help you with anything?''

She looked ten times more beautiful in real life and she looked so cute in her denim dress. ''You... You are Minnie, right?'' you asked hesitatingly. ''Um, yes,'' she said, ''Do we know each other?'' ''I'm Y/N, we... we spoke on the phone a few times,'' you said, cheeks burning up. Her expression changed, showing her beautiful smile and her eyes sparkled. ''So you're Y/N? Wow, you're even more beautiful than I had imagined,'' she grinned, ''Do you wanna sit down?''

You nodded and took place next to her. ''So, what are you doing here...? I've never seen you here before,'' you said, fidgeting with your jewelry. ''I had lunch with a friend and ran some errands here in the neighbourhood. Is this where you live?'' ''Yeah I live a few streets away from here, I just got off work,'' you explained. She smiled and nodded, taking a sip of her green tea.

''Minnie... I was wondering... This might be a really weird request and I don't think you even do this but... Instead of a phonecall, do you think you could come over to my house instead...? Ofcourse I'll pay you,'' you whispered. Minnie was taken aback but smiled. ''I've never done a professional home...session before. So I shouldn't let you pay for it... Maybe I can give it to you for free? As a thank you for the contributions you've made,'' she grinned, ''I have time right now, actually.''

Your cheeks got even redder and you stammered before nodding and agreeing to take her to your apartment. Half an hour later you were sat next to her on your freshly made bed. ''So this is where the magic happened for you,'' she grinned. You smiled and nodded, ''pretty much, yeah.''

Minnie didn't waste any more time, pressing her plush pink lips on yours and pulling you close. Your lips moved together and your hand dove into her lucious black hair, pulling it slightly when she bit your lip. Minnie moaned into the kiss and started unbuttoning your blouse, grazing her fingers over the sheer material of your bra. She rubbed your nipples through the fabric, making you moan into the kiss and squirm in her arms.

She pulled away and took off your skirt and panties, revealing your wet, glistening cunt. The woman nearly moaned at the sight, getting on her knees in front of you and parting your legs. You leaned back on your elbows and threw your head back when you felt her tongue flick on your clit. You cursed underneath your breath when her tongue dipped into your core. You rolled your hips slowly, riding her tongue as you ran your hands through her hair again, pushing her head deeper between your legs and locking her there with your legs.

The pleasure Minnie gave you was nearly unbearable and made you see stars. No one had ever been able to pleasure you like this, not this easy. You felt like you were on cloud 9 when Minnie's tongue rubbed against your inner walls, her nose brushing on your clit. You'd seriously pay insane amounts of money to get her to do this daily, but you immediately told yourself not to be impulsive and go too overboard with the entire situation. She quickly pulled you out of your thoughts as she seemed to be touching some kind of sensitive spot inside you, pleasuring you just right.

''T-That's it! F-fuck my pussy with that tongue! Fuck!''

Minnie moaned against your pussy and ate you out like there was no tomorrow and soon enough you started to feel your abdomen tighten and your body was trembling. Your orgasm washed over you and you let go of yourself, cumming hard and squirting on her tongue. She lapped up your juices hungrily and rode out your orgasm, letting you catch your breath again. ''Fuck, that was incredible, do that again.''

And by the judgement of Minnie's feline eyes, she didn't mind at all to fulfill your fantasies.

#shinestarhwaa #smut #kpop #gidle #g idle #minnie #nicha yontararak #minnie x reader

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arimiaromage · 10 months ago

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Strange house - DGM doujin fangame guide book scans

so in January I found a physical copy of a 2010 d.gray-man doujin visual novel called Strange house by the doujin group MOONLIGHT CAFE. the game is a romance visual novel where you play as Lavi and can date Kanda while out on a mission with him to, you guessed it, a strange house.

the game is completely in Japanese and almost all mention of it online has gone away as it's a 14 year old game, so suffice to say finding anything about this game has been difficult. it won't be a complete mystery now though as I have the game and the guide book!

so... let's look inside this guide book!

before we crack it open, here's the scans of the DVD cover slip. the outside is similar to the guide book (see above) but the inside is an adorable collection of chibis.

now let's look at the guide book! all of these scans are at a high dpi so open them up in a new tab if you'd like to see them up close. also, most of this is in Japanese and I won't be able to translate a majority of it. if you'd like to translate it, please feel free to and add it to the post!

D.Gray-man LaviYu Only

Windows only sound novel type adventure game

(side note- visual novels are usually called adventure games in Japan. sound novel is another term for them that was more popular to use years ago)

The next two pages go over the system menus- the main menu, the CG gallery (where you can view cut scene artwork), in game menu, save & load, and the options menus.

Now that we've gone over the system, it's on to the character bios! Lavi is up first as he's the player character followed by Kanda and the finder Doma.

(somehow Kanda ends up in a bridal gown in this game)

(she has doll arms and legs? it says she's the other guy's sister)

(I have no clue what her name is suppose to be. Yuno Moreta? Yunoo Moreeta?? I'm guessing it's trying to be like Yu Kanda??? Allen's bio here mentions him being the 14th and that he doesn't appear much as he wasn't assigned to this mission)

(Lenalee's basically says that she's an exorcist and Komui's younger sister, but mentions that she might be seen on the mission in front of Lavi? the guy on the right was apparently meant to be something like a love rival in the MVP [think beta build] for the game)

after the character bios is the route guides!

while not every visual novel has choices or multiple endings, visual novels that do have multiple endings refer to them as "routes" or "scenarios", i.e. the series of choices you make to reach each ending. this game has 4 routes, each with a different artist.

scenario A is called Dolly and written by 響夜 and illustrated by Guriko.

scenario B is called Coming Home and written by 響夜 and illustrated by Seiko and others.

scenario C is.... something about a bracelet? it's written by 秋吉 and illustrated by Bonnu.

scenario D is called lonely travels / loneliness while traveling and is written by 木花 and illustrated by ネコ科ノコ.

to be honest this is a lot more than I was expecting! we're already at 7 team members and haven't touched the programming or music aspects. I also have no clue how long this game is - there's only a few choices listed here to get each route so each ending could be 5k words (short) or over 50k words (long).

now onto staff!

sadly, I won't be able to translate these as it's a majority kanji, but here they are.

and that's it! there's a lot of cute art here that I hope will be saved on the internet now that the sites for MOONLIGHT CAFE's games are mostly defunct.

personally as a visual novel developer I find it amazing that they were able to not only make such a good looking fan visual novel in 2010 with multiple endings but to get so many people on board and make it all work out. and then to make a physical release of it! (side note- I'm still unsure what engine this was made in! I'm thinking kirikiri but I'm not sure)

I have the game set up and am able to play it, so at some point I'll share some footage of it on this tag on my blog. I'm hesitant to put the exe online as this was a paid game at one point and the doujin circle seems to be disbanded, but I might if there's interest (is this considered a no-no for doujins? I'm unfamiliar on etiquette for doujins, so some advice on that would be appreciated if you have any)

#dgm #dgrayman #d gray man #lavi bookman #kanda yu #yu kanda #yuu kanda #laviyuu #lavi #kanda yuu #dgm fangames #dgm fangame #fangames #fangame #moonlight cafe #I'll be honest. I'm neutral to laviyuu but I find this project so cool that I'm dedicated to getting all the endings

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felixtrash469-blog · 4 months ago

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Mafia boss! Levi x reader

Genre: Fluff (IG???)

I sat in the lounge room waiting for Levi to get back. He was always late when meeting with clients. It was reaching 2 am, the meeting should have been over 2 hours ago. I could feel my eyes become unfocused as the late hour caught up with me.

I was jolted awake when I heard the door open. My eyes focused on the clock, 4 am. I must have dozed off on the couch. Flicking my eyes to the door, I could see Levi standing there. His eyes moved over to me in the dim light.

“Y/N? What are you doing? You should be asleep.”

“I was waiting for you. You’re late.”

Levi hung up his coat, leaving him in his tight-fitting white button up.

“Meeting went over. I told you not to wait up for me.”

“If I don’t, who will?”

“I don’t need you to baby me Y/N. Just leave me alone.”

That was a pang in my chest. I got up, deciding to end the conversation there. As I walked closer, I could smell perfume on him. Meeting my ass. I continued towards my room. I knew Jean wouldn’t be awake at this hour to talk. I’ll catch him in the morning.

I knocked on Jean’s door closer to human hours. When he opened the door, I could see he was not long up himself. When he registered that it was me, he stepped aside, letting me into his room.

“What has the boss done now?”

“That’s so rude Jean. Can’t I come see my best friend because I miss him?”

“Do you?”

“No, Levi was rude to me last night and I need comfort.”

“I don’t know what you see in him. Find someone else to crush on that won’t break your heart every conversation.”

“Whatever. I don’t want to talk about it. How is your negotiation speech going?”

Jean gestured to the papers on the bed. I made myself comfortable and started shuffling through the pages. It was undeniable, Jean was an amazing negotiator, that must have been why Levi picked him. Levi even went as far as to letting me live with them and helping me when I needed it to keep Jean in his team.

“Are you coming tonight Y/N?”

“Tonight?”

“Yeah, we have a client’s party. You know I can always use a bit of arm candy.”

I swatted at Jean. “Yeah, I’ll come.”

“Wear your best dress.”

I quickly ran to my room and came back with a choice of 4 dresses, presenting them to Jean.

“Jean, pick.”

“I don’t know, at least try them on.”

It wasn’t unusual to strip in front of each other, we’ve been doing it since we were kids. Jean was unsure on the first two dresses. The third dress, however, got his approval. A red dress, reaching to mid-thigh and curve-hugging. It seemed fitting for a party. I decided to stay in Jean’s room for the rest of the day, carting my make-up and hair care across to get ready. My final look was approved by Jean and we left for the party at 9 pm.

The party was lively to say the least. My eyes scanned the room, searching for the boss, searching for Levi. When my eyes finally landed on him, he was surrounded by girls, all of them attempting to get his attention. I grabbed Jean’s arm to steer him in a different direction, when Jean’s eyes followed mine, he allowed me to take him in a different direction.

Most of the night was spent by Jean’s side, I followed him to Levi and the client for negotiations and back to the corner we had claimed as our own. My eyes would venture to Levi throughout the night, sometimes I would catch his eye and our stares would linger a little longer then necessary.

Around 1 am, Jean finally suggested going back to headquarters. I was exhausted getting back, flopping onto Jean’s bed. “Jean, give me a shirt. I’m staying the night.”

Jean flicked a t-shirt my way, which I slipped on after removing my make-up. Once I had finally laid on the bed and got ready to sleep, there was a knock on the door. I opened my eyes enough to see Levi standing in the frame. He was even more handsome in full light. His white button up shirt was slightly covered by a black vest that hugged his body and long pants that clung to his body as much as I wanted to.

“so what, you two are fucking now?”

I shot up at Levi’s words. He had it all wrong. Jean tried to explain that it wasn’t like that.

“So, you’re trying to tell me that she just gives it up to anyone then? Y/N, with me. Now.”

I stood up, following his order. Levi grabbed me by the wrist and started dragging me towards his room. He slammed the door behind us, sitting on his bed.

“Explain yourself. First, you’re so desperate to see me that you’re falling asleep on the couch waiting for me, now you’re falling asleep in Jean’s bed. Are you trying to sleep your way through my crew?”

“Excuse me? I have not slept with anyone from the crew. You want to talk about sleeping around, how about all the women you have constantly hanging off you, just begging to be fucked.”

“Really Y/N? Jealousy? That’s what this is about?” Levi sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “I don’t sleep with those women, I need to keep up appearances for our clientele.”

“Whatever Levi, it doesn’t matter to me what you do.”

Levi sighed again, grabbing my chin in between his hands and making me face him. “If it doesn’t matter, then look me in the eyes and say it. If it doesn’t matter, then stop me.”

I was pulled forward, my lips meeting his. The explosion of butterflies in my stomach deepened when his other hand tangled itself in my Y/H/C hair, making the kiss become more possessive. When the kiss broke, his steel coloured eyes were staring deep into my E/C eyes.

“If we do this, no more running to Jean. No more undressing in front of him, no cuddling and no more wearing his shitty shirts. If you want me, then you accept that you are mine and mine alone. Do you understand?”

“Yes.”

“Yes what?”

“Yes boss.”

“Good, I’m sick of all those filthy pigs looking at you. I had to watch their eyes undress you all night. Shitty fucking men. You’re all mine, no one else is allowed to touch you.”

“And the other women?”

“Gone.” Levi pressed his forehead to mine. His eyes glossed over. Understanding him was hard. All the times he was rude, seemed to become rose coloured with concern for me laced through his words. We sat like that for what felt like eternity before he shifted me on to his lap.

“I’m going to need you to be loud for me tonight, just so the world knows who you belong to.”

With the amount of times I said his name, you’d swear it was the only word I knew.

You'll have to excuse the writing because I haven't written properly in like 5 years. Hoping to get back into it. Feel free to send requests.

#levi x reader #levi ackerman #levi aot #aot #jean krischtein #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin

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centrally-unplanned · 9 months ago

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I was listening to this cast by The Weeb Crew, with SteveM as a guest, going through some other Evangelion video and dissecting the mythical memetic tropes it buys into. Which was a lot of fun, I recommend the cast, and the video they are critiquing is a bit of a grad-bag of zombie memes about Evangelion from the 2000's, which yeah have aged poorly.

One of the ones they get into is the idea that Evangelion's TV ending was "intensely unpopular", and Anno & crew were getting like bombarded with death threats and stuff. Which happened at some level sure, but certainly wasn't the median response. The video actually sites the "emails" shown on screen in End of Evangelion as evidence:

And like, bro those emails are fake! The staff wrote them for the movie, they didn't use real death threats or fan mail, that would be a huge legal liability. Not saying they are analytically useless or anything but, you know, you need to know that.

Anyway, SteveM mentions that of course there was pushback against Eva's ending, but actually the big wave wasn't interior to the fandom - instead it was sparked by Eva "going mainstream" discourse-wise. In particular a review essay by social critic Eiji Otuska (who is also a former lolicon creator ding ding ding) that was published after the finale aired sparked a widespread discussion in the media by other critics. He links to the essay in their discussion....except he doesn't. He thinks he did, and then when they look, its just someone else mentioning it in an article in 2003:

Bitter disputes broke out on online bulletin boards, with some critical of the producers for failing to provide a clear-cut end to the story, and others who praised the finish for being "typically Evangelion-like." But when commentator Eiji Otsuka sent a letter to the Yomiuri Shimbun, complaining about the end of the Evangelion series, the debate went nationwide. "The debate that erupted over the ending went way beyond our calculations," Gainax's Sato chuckles. "Anno probably knew what was going on. He realized that media other than anime had taken notice of Evangelion."

Which triggered in me the thought - why doesn't he have it? He references it in his own work after all. As you can guess, after some searching I am pretty sure I know why; no one has it. Its never been scanned or reprinted in an accessible format! It definitely is important in the history of Evangelion - I have seen this claim in other contexts, the essay that sparked a discourse, and you can find many works about Evangelion citing Otsuki (generally later works, like an article published in September of 1996 which you can buy) But what the article article said is only discernable via the clues dropped from second-hand accounts.

So can we find it?

First of all I need to figure out what is even being referenced. Searching through contemporary Japanese sources, I dug up an extremely handy find:

A somehow-still-existing 1997 fan page by a Japanese otaku (I'm giving you this stuff auto-translated btw, what would you do with a wall of kanji?) who extensively catalogued every media mention of Evangelion. I am sure they missed some, but they didn't miss a big one like the Otsuki letter - which we know from the above interview appeared in gigantic newspaper Yoimiuri Shimbun:

This gives us three candidates; given that we know it was written after the finale aired, and that was March 27th, 1996, our most likely candidate is the April 1st essay; I was able to find a secondary source mentioning the review was "immediately" after the finale, so I think that nails it.

Which alas does not bring up anything! Try as I might I cannot find any extant blog post, or scanned image, or long quoted form. But after trying the usual methods I did realize something - unlike my average document hunt, this is Yoimiuri Shimbum, a newspaper, a big newspaper. Which means they probably have their own archive, which I might be able to access. and low and behold, they do! And my university research services actually have an account!!

Incredibly blessed by this stroke of luck, I went digging for everything containing "Evangelion" and "Eiji Otsuka" in 1996, and found it:

And it's fucking blank. If the article is scanned or anything it will have that "Japanese Text" you see on the first result, or "Scanned Image" tag or something. I swear its like the only ones not scanned, all the random ads and list of best sellers are all there, but the entire cultural essays section is just an archival void. Shot in the skull right at the finish line.

Alas I am out of ideas of this one - its a newspaper, no one is selling this on Yahoo Auctions. Though hey, at least now we know the title:

"オウム」を超えるはずが... / It should surpass Aum...", 876 characters long.

"Aum" by the way is Aum Shinrikyo, the cult terrorist group that conducted the 1995 Tokyo subway sarin gas attack. Which you can imagine really took the chattering classes by storm; it was the culmination of a series of "extremist" actions that began in the 1980's that built up a narrative of societal decay and alarm. It really isn't surprising that Otsuka linked Evangelion to Aum Shinrikyo; the apocalyptic connections were obvious, there was even an episode of the show that had to be changed due to the attacks as the production team thought the events were too similar. And additionally, if this essay was gonna spark a "societal backlash", it has to say something controversial right? I have definitely seen other critics like Hiroki Azuma discussing Eva in relation to Aum as a "social phenomenon" - I am betting Otsuka is the source of that comparison being so ubiquitous.

From other sources like people on twitter and other articles, I can pick up a few other details on what it contained; apparently he referred to Evangelion's finale as a "self-help seminar" for otaku and lambasted the idea of airing one of those on TV. And from his other writings I think you can certainly piece it together - essentially seeing Evangelion's self-involvement and hyper-introspection as a product of the same societal malaise that birthed Aum Shinrikyo, while failing to deliver a solution that could "go beyond" that. Which, the shit you said about media in the 90's, I want a hit of what he's having! But while today its quite obvious that groups like Aum were, sure, saying something about society but turned out overwhelmingly to be fringe weirdos as opposed to canaries in the mental institute coal mine, at the time this was very much the zeitgeist.

Still, I don't really care all that much what it says - its an important artifact! It started the "Eva discourse boom" that broke out of otaku circles and launched Evangelion into a cross-societal phenomenon! We should have a record of it, it should be preserved. I will ruminate on it, and see if any other ideas pop up. And meanwhile if anyone out there happens to see what I missed definitely let me know.

#evangelion history #Ash anime deep dive bullshit #mini-essay

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scam-alerts · 12 days ago

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🔎Scam Exam(ination)🔍

Seen as: Click here! / Read more... Scam type(s): Phishing / Malicious website

Good day everyone, today I'd like to talk about a scam that is some what pretty obvious to spot on tumblr. Unless you're someone who straight up lets curiosity get the best of them and you go clicking links on sketchy looking blogs without thinking. (Don't do that.) You'll probably be able to avoid it.

Now, for safety reasons I'm not going to be linking the blog in question that is running this scam because I'm not going to 'tempt fate' for the sake of documentation. But I will be showing you through the help of a couple useful websites, what's going on behind the scenes.

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The first thing I noticed (other than the blog only being a few days old) when I saw this persons posts was, well, what I consider to be one of the most biggest and immediate red flags that was on every single post of theirs.

If you know anything at all about internet history and internet safety, one of the most common and well known ways that malicious actors try to get you to go to their scam/phishing website is with the temptation of a big reward if you do x to y.

'You've won a free $100 gift card! Click here to claim!'

'Hot local singles in your area! Click here now to find them!'

Memes aside, it should go without saying that you should not, under any circumstances, click links that look like this that you receive via email, text, or that you see in advertisements. Not only could these links lead you to a phishing page (wiki) that mimics tumblr or another social media platform in an attempt to get you to log in. Doing so would result in your account being compromised and your login information being stolen.

Tempting links like these could also lead to a web page like the one that this one in particular I'm about to show you, too.

With the help of Cloudflare via their url scanner tool I was able to examine this website, see where it redirects people to, view the HTML (for you nerdy folks) and in turn see the landing page it takes you to when you click it. Without clicking it myself.

Want to know what this takes you to?

A page leading to a fake popup with a link to install a virus.

Now, let me be 100% clear: These viruses are bad.

From what I know of them, not only do they hijack and steal all of your login information on the device you installed it on, 9/10 it will also install a keylogger onto your system. What this does is: even if you uninstall the virus and your system seems clean, these bad actors will still be able to monitor your device and steal your information unless you factory reset your device or PC.

Here's information on keyloggers. (malwarebytes)

If these bad actors really, really wanted to ruin someones day, by installing these 'free apps' it could also put what is known as Ransomware on your device. A trojan that locks down your device, encrypts your files, and demands you pay a ransom for it to be unlocked. All of which is under a timer or it will completely brick your system.

Here's a video by IBM that explains how ransomware works.

Another very, VERY useful website I'd like to share that I became familiar with through some channels on youtube that talk about scams is VirusTotal. https://www.virustotal.com (despite its name, it's not a virus!)

This website has two key features I think are awesome: 1- You can scan a url for viruses/malicious activity to see if it's been flagged by one of the many antivirus vendors on the market. and 2- You can upload files you downloaded to see if they are infected by trojans or malware before you even open them.

CloudFlare and VirusTotal are 100% free to use websites with no sign up or cost. (No this isn't an ad and no I am not sponsored. These are just resources and I am giving them to you lol)

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Final thoughts: I know curiosity may get the best of us at times, but don't let that become your downfall. If you see blogs that are only a few days old exhibiting this behavior, please make sure you report them on your own time and don't encourage mass reporting by making posts about them.

Remember: Stop and think before you click that link. :)

Other helpful guides on spotting scams. (by @kyra45)

#scam #scam awareness #scam alert #phishing website #phishing #scams

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tiikerikani · 1 month ago

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Enough is enough

I've been in an insomnia death spiral for a while, and it is REALLY BAD right now. I sometimes say that I wish days were 28 hours long so I can fit everything in, but at the moment I'm thinking I need 32-hour days, if not longer. My brain is flat-out nope-ing out of work and it is even more exhausting trying to goad myself into doing it.

It was Senpai's birthday a couple of weekends ago, and while I'd already delivered my greeting (and a small pencil sketch) to him at the book launch, I also wanted to do something meaningful for the occasion, and I think that he would have been 100% behind me doing this:

I dug out the post-it note on which the one psychiatrist at the beginning of the panini, who had actually listened to me (see footnote 4), gave me the name of a place that does neuropsychological testing in English, and I emailed them. So I'll be having a consultation with one of their clinicians next week to get that process started.

Back then I'd balked at the price (and it was quite out of my budget at the time, almost a months' rent), and it still is a LOT of money (with the various followups and formal diagnosis from a psychiatrist and so on it will definitely be more than that especially when I don't have the health insurance that Old Job had provided), but I am in a bit better situation financially now.

I wrote "actually listened to me" in paragraph 3 because every other psychiatrist I talked to since then had been incredibly dismissive of my experiences. It's especially frustrating when you pour yourself out to them, about how so many of your eccentricities and the traumas of your childhood suddenly make sense when considered in light of what we now know about (inattentive) ADHD, and they tell you to your face that no, you don't have it, go take a nap. One doctor at least gave me an official referral to psychotherapy but I didn't use it because 1) you're on your own to find a therapist (good luck, lol), 2) you have to pay for most of it anyway, and 3) it's not going to be effective if it doesn't address the root cause(s) behind that trauma.

On further reflection, I now realize that these "death spirals" were not ordinary burnouts (if that can even be a thing) but specifically ADHD burnouts, so it's even more imperative that I get to the truth at the bottom of this. It can very well be that I'm too damn tired for tests to properly show my baseline, but structured cognitive/behavioral/whatever tests will have some kind of rubric and maybe even quantitative measurements so it will be less about how they feel about what I tell them about myself but what the scores say about it.

But what's more, I now have copies of the figurative receipts. When I was visiting my parents last year I made scans of all my old report cards and other school records (that Mom meticulously organized and kept). Not every single page but those with grades or teacher/parent comments on. I don't really have any interest in reading through them myself. Some of the criticisms areas for improvement my teachers had for me are still etched in my mind 30 years later, because I couldn't "fix" them then (and not for lack of trying) nor really understand why I should (be like normal people), and still can't and don't. I will not enumerate them here.

_________

TL;DR:

I don't care what it costs (a lot) but I am (finally) getting my damn brain tested for ADHD because I can't manage it on my own anymore while pretending to the world (and the world trying to tell me) that my problems have nothing to do with it.

#personal #adhd #probably c-ptsd things #senpai can't fix this #some things you just gotta throw money at

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institute-of-planar-shitposts · 2 years ago

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For the ficlet starter lines, 5 with the twins and someone of your choice? :3

5. What the hell did I just walk into??

Had to think for a bit on this one but decided to go with something based on a bit I shared with you jdjdbfjbdjfkdjg

(Ficlet starter game is here!)

Since the Day of Story and Song, as people have taken to calling it, Taako has all but refused to let Lup out of his sight. Barry seems to have the same thought process most of the time, but the two have at least unofficially coordinated when one of them will be away from her, if at all. Right now is one of those times - Barry is out training with Kravitz, and since Lup's body is still cooking, she just gets to chill with Taako for now. Or as she likes to call it, "catch up on twin time," which, while he may object to calling it that, Taako silently agrees with.

The monotony of doing almost nothing every day is starting to grate on him, though - something he never thought he'd admit to; who knew that apparently having something to do isn't bad all the time? - so after reading the same page in the magazine that "details" the crew's lives (read: made up shit to fill in what they don't know) for the fifth time trying to make sense of the author thinking Magnus had this awful, tragic past on Twosun, Taako slaps said magazine down on the table next to him.

"I'm bored," he announces, flopping back onto the armrest.

Lup glances up at him. "Okay...? We can go work on that puzzle or whatever, 'Ko."

Taako groans. "No, Lup, I'm bored, not dying," he complains.

"Taako, I saw you put together that tree," she says, unimpressed.

"It was like 3 am! You can't use that against me!"

"Can and will," she counters.

Taako groans again. "Can't believe I fucking missed you, goofus."

Lup grins. "Course you did, dingus. So what were you thinking?"

"I got basically everything from the moon base, but I swear I'm still missing some shit," Taako grumbles. "I don't fucking wanna go back there, but I'm pretty sure one of the things I left was my set of good spoons because I haven't been able to find them literally anywhere."

"Okay, sure. You want me to just go for you?" Lup offers.

"No, no, I gotta make sure you don't grab Merle's shit or whatever," he says, getting up.

"Gods forbid." She rolls her eyes.

A snap from Lup has them back in the suite Taako, Magnus, and Merle shared in the blink of an eye, and Taako beelines for the kitchen to get whatever he left in his hurry to leave the godsdamned place the first time. Lup hovers nearby as he searches through cabinets and drawers, simply watching and making snarky comments here and there.

Once he's fairly certain he's grabbed everything from the kitchen, Lup floats over. "Ready to go?"

Taako debates for a moment, then sighs. "No, so long as we're here I may as well make sure I really do have everything," he grumbles.

"Alright. Where next?"

He scans the dorm quickly. "Bathroom," he decides. "Gotta make sure Merle didn't use up whatever I left. You know he would."

"Abso-fucking-lutely he would, I'm still mad about him using the last of that body wash I got in cycle 9," Lup agrees. "I had it clearly labeled and everything."

"Exactly," Taako nods, heading for the door. "Like, I'm pretty sure I grabbed the good stuff, but I still wouldn't fucking put it past him to have used up whatever I -"

He stops as the door swings open, revealing a very naked Merle in the middle of several plants. Almost immediately, he shouts, "NOPE!" grabs the handle, and pulls the door shut as fast as elvenly possible.

Lup is staring at the door. "What the hell did I walk into."

"Gods I fucking thought we told him not to do that shit in the bathroom since cycle 23," Taako hisses, covering his eyes. "Should've fucking known after the goddamn pothos incident, fuck!"

Lup glances between her brother and the bathroom door. "Do I wanna ask?"

"Abso-fucking-lutely not. Seeing it was gross enough let alone retelling it," he gags.

"Fair enough. Not something I'd thought I'd ever say, but that was one good thing about the umbrastaff," Lup says, staring at the door now.

"Fucking envy you on that and that alone, Lulu," Taako groans. "Let's just hit everywhere else and hope to fuck that Merle is done by then."

"Yeah, could not agree with that more."

#taz balance #taz taako #taako taaco #taz lup #lup taaco #merle highchurch #starry's skies

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rollercoasterwords · 2 years ago

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I’m so genuinely intrigued and curious abt that post you made abt reaching out to the authors when you find a paper you want to read bc.. how are you finding these papers in the first place?? Do they show up on your tiktok fyp?? Do you just search up whatever topic you wanna read about on google scholar? I think that that’s really cool that you do that and I also would like to read about research that like actually interests me and not just papers assigned in class but I dunno where I would start looking for them. Sorry this ask is probably so random but do you have any tips?? lmao 😭

WHAT a fun question!!! of course i have tips!!!

first of all....free urself from the tiktok fyp i am begging u <3 like. ok i am sure there are people on there who are sharing academic articles and such but....more often with tiktok at least in my experience u just end up getting stuck in an endless scroll rather than actually following up on any interesting reading/research suggestions. also i think it is just like. a valuable and enriching skill to be able to think of things on ur own that u want to learn about and then go and find resources urself! like. approach tiktok w caution perhaps it could be helpful for some but i worry a bit that we are all becoming a little too reliant on algorithms to feed us Content, y'know?

anyway! as for how i find papers 2 read that interest me! most often it is a matter of finding something that sparks my interest + then going down a rabbit hole. and there are soooooo many ways to do this!! the internet is an amazing resource!!!! here is a list of some ways that i find interesting articles:

tumblr <3 lol i follow various blogs that post interesting stuff abt theory + academia every so often, and if i see a quote that interests me i'll go and try to find the article it came from! (you could also use tiktok this way if you've found some good people to follow! my main hesitation w tiktok is just that. it's an endless scroll + an algorithm which are both 2 things that i find distracting, and why i prefer tumblr)

substack - same kinda deal as tumblr; i subscribe to bloggers who write about topics that interest me and if they cite research in their posts i'll go try to find that research to read it myself

news articles/blog posts/essays that i come across online - again, if there's some interesting research cited, i'll go and try to find it

search by writer - if you keep hearing about an academic or someone suggests "oh read some so-and-so," go and look up so-and-so and see what they've written + what u can find online for free! most really famous/influential academics will have some free pdfs of their more influential work floating around online, and for smaller/niche academics--email them!

along the same lines - if u find an article or essay or speech by an academic and u like it, go find their biography page on the website of whatever school they teach at! schools will usually list professors' work, or at least a few examples, and you can find more stuff to read from that same person whose article you enjoyed. this is especially helpful if ur researching something kinda niche

wikipedia! people shit on wikipedia all the time as if it's not a "real source" but that's simply false! wikipedia is a great jumping-off point if you're interested in a broad topic but don't know where to start. go scroll through the wikipedia article about said topic and see what's cited there to get an idea of where you might be able to find some interesting articles/research to narrow ur focus!

look through the bibliography/citations on other research! if ur reading a book or article on an interesting topic + want to learn more, actually take a minute to scan through the citations and see if any titles catch ur eye!

ask people for recommendations! if u have an old/current professor or a friend or something who u know is interested in the same topic as u, ask if they have any reading recommendations!

if ur a university student--take advantage of that shit!!! look thru the papers on ur syllabus and scan the citations of the most interesting ones for further reading or go look up the writers u like best from the course to find more stuff they've written! look at the class listings for classes u aren't taking and if ur interested, ask those professors if they'd be willing to share their reading lists with you! keep an eye out for free lectures or events on new topics that interest you as a jumping-off point for finding new things to learn about! ask ur friends in other majors what they're learning about and go look it up if it interests you!

go to the library and look through the nonfiction section for topics ur interested in; check out books with cool titles! if they're boring, u can just return them

go to thrift stores or used bookstores and do the same thing! look for nonfiction books with interesting titles! i loooooooooove love love love looking through gender studies sections of bookstores for nonfiction--and then if i find a book i like, guess what that book's gonna cite?? more articles + books!!!!!! there is so much research + knowledge in the world just waiting to be shared!!!!

anyway. these are just some ways that i have found interesting new things to learn about! it sounds like u are currently a student--and like, trust me, i get that when ur constantly being assigned readings for classes it can just become a drag. but college is an AMAZING resource; i still go back and reference old notes from school to find research that i'm interested in, and some of my classes introduced me to articles that i still return to + cite today. research can be so so so fun + rewarding when ur just doing it for the joy of learning; the key really is to treat it like a little spiderweb. maybe most of ur assignments are boring, but this one article for class was really interesting and u actually find urself wanting to learn more--look at the research that article cited! google the names of the writers to see what else they've written! ask ur prof if they have any more suggestions similar to that article! the possibilities are endless!!

+ if ur a student, ur institution probably has access to a whole bunch of research databases where u can find articles + books for free, which is amaaaaaaaazing take advantage of that shit. but i am not currently a student, so my process for finding articles usually goes:

google + see if a free pdf magically pops up (happens more often than you'd think honestly)

failing that -- if it's a book, i check the online collection at my library + also on openlibrary and project gutenberg and zlibrary; for articles i usually check library genesis (sometimes i look for books here too) or sci-hub (usually works best if you search by doi)

failing that -- if it's an article, i go hunt down the email address of whoever wrote it and email them to ask for access! for books, if you really really want to read it you can usually put in a request at your local library for them to get it, but sometimes i do just have to give up if i can't find a book for free online anywhere :(

hopefully some of this was helpful !! and if ur looking for nonfiction book recs i have a post here with some stuff i've read over the past year or two and i also have a post here with like...some suggestions for intro gender studies/queer theory reading (mostly articles)!

#ask #this got really long sorry lmao #i just. love researching! and looking things up! and reading about them!#learning can be sooooooooo fun guys i know school kinda sucks the joy out of it a lot of the time but. it's soooooo fun trust me #and i also personally just. really feel a sense of accomplishment when i'm seeking something out + reading + thinking about it myself #as opposed to just like. only ever letting other people summarize stuff for me #which i think kinda happens if ur only engaging with theory through like....social media + not ever actually reading it urself #summarizing is good and helpful sometimes!! it's just not enough on its own if u wanna learn abt a topic in-depth

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katzirra · 1 year ago

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Aggressively rubs my face, complaining about anything in life feels so tedious compared to what's going on in the world. World events and disasters and genocides and just fucking everything make you feel so small and worthless. Like god damn I feel guilty for thinking how stressed I am because HAHAH COULD BE WORSE, BITCH. WHICH is kind of a weird thing the internet really uh, perpetuates. Which is kinda what people get at when they say take care of your mental health.

Like I'm staying as up to date as I can but it's... wow it's hard to stomach, and it's hard to know what to do when you're in a financial spot lmao... Fucking god damn. Like carrying on like normal is really hard because there's that thought in the back of my mind right now about how upsetting it is realizing so many people can't do that. Will never do that again. It's like tv static in my head lately low key saddening me more and more.

But yaknow that just sounds like I'm complaining about a world event, but it's not. It's just...a profound sadness. Saturating things. I find myself just kinda sitting lately unsure what to be doing that feels... productive in this time. Not really feeling, uh, creative or happy. I dunno. Low simmering fear as well tbh.

That wasn't the topic I was planning to post about uh... FRIVOLOUS UPDATES I GUESS... I USE TO DO THOSE, YEAH? IDK WHO CARES ABOUT MY PERSONAL LIFE THESE DAYS TBH LOL

Taking a break from Xig because I'm just ..out of it and need the expectations off me for a second.

Having anxiety even checking my art blog because people weirdly correcting me/giving me a compliment that's shorter than a correction and making me come off rude telling them I'm not wrong makes me anxious as hell :))) so I end up avoiding my own haunts!!! How fucky is that.

I am almost done with my small sketchbook?? I was fixing a few pages up before hitting a few dried out Copics, which lead to me checking all of them to see who I needed to fix/replace and uh... relocate them in my office. Which became redoing my pen pouches and seeing if those got fucked up. Hopefully I'll finish that and start scanning. 2018-2023... with huge gaps in there lol...

I miss doing art I liked. Its kinda stagnant atm so I might take the rest of the year to do studies on angles and shit tbh. I need something. It all feels same same.

Uhhh figuring out some dental stuff - bought myself a bougie electric toothbrush and I think my old one's timer was fucked up and making me brush too long?? Which is bad!!! So this new one already has my teeth feeling better 👏 mom's genetics have me terrified!! My teeth feel better after two brushes??? insane.

Getting bloodwork done Thursday so hopefully figuring some shit out about my weight and health :))) I'd like to lose the like 20-45lb I mysteriously seemed to gain over the past few years??? Uhhh??? And figure my periods out, money has just been BAD since Hannibal's surgery....

Having panic scares about if my job is going away in December or not and hating every job listing I see online so I gotta look for whatever listing sites exist outside indeed. Also something this decent with the same pay :)))))) so that's on my todo list... again.

Box spring is busted on my bed, so hopefully I don't have to replace the mattress just yet because of the previous point AND THE FACT I JUST STARTED GETTING TO SAVE FOR MY PC..... first world problems but fuck, dudes. Vakarian is fucking suffering sometimes... :(( but we'll see because MATTRESS PRICES.......!!!

I cleaned my office and room and that made me feel like I've accomplished something for myself so that's... something.

Trying to focus on things. Depression cocktail is going on..... money, job, housing, health, the world... it's all so much all the time, man.

#kat life #kat talks #ignore me #this is just feelings and ugh updates on my shit!!

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thissus · 2 years ago

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Corporate Surveillance Bots are Real

This article was initially published at OH.MG on 2022-06-05

We all know that if you talk shit about Colonel Sanders on social media that you'll eventually get a reply back from their official account using a generic apology and asking for a private message. There are loads of social media apps that for the right price will scour the silos for brand names to inject themselves in to conversations.

While annoying, you kind of accept this nonsense happening because that's what the platforms are all about. Forced engagement and it's within the terms of use.

However, I am today years old when I discovered a more filthy practice. Salesforce has a bot they run (created by Radian6 who I assume they acquired) that will scan every website it can find to highlight to it's brand masters. It respects no standards (robots.txt) and they've replaced the crawler information page to redirect to their salesy splash screen.

Corporate spy bots have been around a while now, they're mostly those SEO ones that like to create bullshit graphs to wave your dick at in obligation to the Google. But this is much more seedy, indexing sites to repackage to their paying userbase by force and not allowing the site owner to opt out (it would be much better to opt-in but fuck your feelings I guess).

I release my content on a non-commercial share alike basis, I have nothing special here and I don't mind sharing things as long as you're not trying to sell it.

This is one of the reasons I sent Salesforce a rather shitty email today, their bot comes crashing in, wasting bandwidth to steal content to resell behind a paywall for companies to come barging in on sites they have no right to be on, and more nefariously this fucker seems to be looking for a comments section to inject itself into.

Ignoring the GDPR side of things, about it creating profiles of users without their knowledge and from where ever it deems fit to do so, the decision to ignore licence to use the content is quite offensive. I guess I could call myself a Content Creator (I create content you see) and ripping off my works for this is ugly.

Since this bot ignores your request to fuckoff.txt, I found some instructions online on how you, as a web site person, can block this from looking at you. A middle finder opt-out if you will. I have to give credit to an article from 2008 I found searching for more information / contact details for this asshole bot for the answer : Wow another corp snoop bot

tl;dr - .htaccess this with (as long as you already have Rewrite Engine On) :

RewriteCond %{HTTP_USER_AGENT} ^R6_ RewriteRule .* - [F]

#bigdata #spambots #internet

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apex-academy · 2 years ago

Text

Chapter 6: The Decay of Our Lives (#4)

Guess we’re still starting with Itsurou’s file. It doesn’t feel like there’s anything missing when I flip through it, but these things aren’t exactly uniform, so I don’t know how I could tell. Check if all his published books are listed, maybe, but it’s not like I know them all, anyway.

“Could check it against his study hall if I wanted to.”

Seems like overkill right now, but if I don’t find anything else to do...

The demographics information is a bunch of average junk, and some points about his health. Nothing anybody has to worry about now.

“...” Onto the next one.

“Kaichi...”

Why am I doing this again? I... Maybe I can come back to him. When it’s a little less raw.

“Or will that happen anytime soon?”

Probably not. Still... Don’t want to push myself more than I have to.

That’s what Kaichi would want, too, right?

Already checked my own file earlier, so I skip to Kanagi’s. Sports, sports, and more sports. Don’t know what I expected.

“Looking at this, you’d think she’s just the all-around Super High School Level Athlete...”

But I guess the only achievements that really fit the school criteria are in volleyball. Plenty of other articles and stats in here, though. Including a good handful of male sports leagues? Under a number of pseudonyms...

Whatever works for her, I guess.

Nothing here draws my suspicion, at least. If anything, I doubt she’d have the time to plan something like this while she’s out there cross-training for fifty sports.

Maybe that’s just me being optimistic, but... It’s something, at least.

I wrangle her file back into place and slide that drawer shut. So, down to the next row, or back up to Aki?

“.................”

I slide the top drawer open and walk my fingers down the tabs. Unlabeled folder of blank forms, Aidan, then...

There’s not a lot of heft to it, per se, but it presses into my hands harder than it should.

“...”

I open it up.

Not a lot in the way of demographics—at least, nothing that stands out. Seems she started helping out at the local courthouse pretty young, but otherwise...

“Wonder if that was before or after she switched her style around.”

Not that it matters now. Or ever would have, probably, but...

“................”

Past that’s a bunch of meaningless charts about words per minute, but I scan them point by point anyway. I’ll... be stuck in this one a while, I think. Might as well focus on numbers instead of everything else around them. Who’s responsible for them in the first place.

A lot of the file is completely incomprehensible to me. Not redacted like Aidan’s, just written in... I don’t know. The kind of marks her stenograph makes, I guess.

Made.

“...”

Well. I guess it could still make them. As far as I know, it outlasted her just fine.

“.................................”

My throat’s trying to close up now, so I flip through the pages faster. Really nothing of note here. She had skills, she did her best, she deserved to be here. Just not... here.

“...............”

I might need a few rounds of pool.

Silently, I place Aki’s file back behind Aidan’s and lock up again. Drift down two floors, unlock my own room.

...

I play a while. Who knows how long. Our loved ones are safe now, supposedly. No reason for time to matter much anymore.

But I have to get going again eventually.

“.....”

Out to the empty hall, but the moment I get to the stairs, a wave of fatigue hits. I’ll just use the elevator. A farther walk along an empty hall, but. Don’t have to worry about paying attention to every footfall this way.

I hit the elevator call button and don’t have to wait long before it's here. Bell rings, doors open, I walk in—and immediately trip over a wheelchair.

“Whoa, whoa!”

It’s easier to place the voice than place my feet flat on the floor again.

“Sorry! You okay?”

Aidan adjusts his glasses. No idea if I just about smacked them off or if he only wants to fidget with something.

“Er, yes, thank you. You?”

“Fine...”

The elevator doors shut, but we don’t start moving. I frown and look over the numbered buttons. Nothing lit.

“I figured you'd be on this floor.”

“Ah. Yeah.” That predictable, am I? “Did you need something?”

“Oh, just to see you smile.”

“....”

“Hmm... Close enough. It’ll do.”

“...Okay, seriously.”

“What, that can’t be a serious mission?”

I turn to push the first floor button, just because chatting in a stationary elevator is weird. It rumbles back to life, and the moment of weightlessness makes me a little dizzy.

“If you’d prefer some elaboration, I’m attempting to gauge the group’s interest in a movie night.”

“Mm. Depends on the movie.”

“I was certainly leaning towards comedy.”

I mean. Beats a Saw marathon.

“But isn’t the auditorium closed at night?” After all, that was Tamiko’s excuse to shoo everyone out of her crime scene.

“......”

“There’s more than one place to watch a movie, don’t you worry.”

“Fair enough.”

“So... yeah. Can’t say I’m super invested, but I’d come to a movie night, sure.”

“Good to know! Thank you.”

The elevator stops with a low rattle, and I automatically step through the doors before looking back. Aidan hasn’t even put his hand on the wheel.

“Didn’t think to ask what floor you wanted.”

“That’s all right...”

“.......”

“Er, the first floor is fine, rather. Thank you.”

I nod, but neither of us moves. Not sure how much he can right now.

“Is it just me, or do you look even more drained than before?”

“.....”

“Considering that’s very highly a matter of opinion, I don’t think I could weigh in meaningfully.”

“...”

“Can I help you to wherever you’re headed now?”

“..................”

“You may wheel me to my dorm room... if you really want to.”

I nod.

It takes a little maneuvering with the doors trying to close on us, but eventually I push him along. Hope going back to his room means he’s going to rest. Not sure how much I can hope for that, but...

I go ahead and unlock his door while I’m at it, though he still beats me to the handle. He winces a bit from gripping it.

“No glass traps here, I hope?”

It takes him a second to catch up.

“Oh goodness no. That would be entirely unnecessary.”

I nudge the door open.

“Thank you...”

“I’ll... see you around, then?”

“Don’t have much of a choice.”

“That’s certainly one way to put it, I suppose.”

“Until then.”

He smiles, but it’s already sliding off his face before he’s turned away. He wheels himself in and pushes the door closed with a soft click.

I half expect him to faint and collapse immediately afterward, but there aren’t any unceremonious thuds, at least.

If there were, would I go in? Do I trust myself enough to walk in on that sort of scene again and not take advantage of it?

“..........”

Don’t need to worry about that now. Let’s just get back to... whatever I was planning to do down here. I don’t know. Grab some tea or something and take it from there, I guess. Can’t help anybody if I don’t take care of myself.

And at least getting something to drink is easy. The rest...

We’ll see.

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#apexplot #apex6 #fangan

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