#I am hearing very varied takes on the meds

[a-minke-whales-tale]

My Transformations

I experience Clinical Zoanthropy, or at least that is the human's word for it. I am a whale, but one the humans did something to to turn me human. And they give me these pills to keep me human. They do not always work perfectly, especially since I have reduced the dose some. But because the medicine suppresses me turning back to whale, the amount I turn back when I do varies.

At the lowest level like right now, I can feel bits on my flanks, like a slight tingle on my skin and having my flippers straight and at my side is comfortable and pleasant and more natural.

A little further, the zone of altered skin expands down my legs and they fuse together into a tail first like overlay and then physical, I can make my arm bend and use a hand still but it is very uncomfortable. I feel flippers as though overlaid on my arms. This is the most common for me or what is happening when I say I feel whaley.

Further still, the skin and colors extend further, I feel flukes, my arms become stiff and flippery, sometimes can feel my dorsal fin here (but sometimes earlier or later). At this point I am effectively beached if I am on the land. I cannot walk, or get up. My flippers are not strong enough to lift myself. Sometimes I can force my arm to bend so I can use my phone still if I need to. This is about as far as it normally goes as I am normally quite good about taking my medicine.

Beyond this point sometimes my mouth starts to get baleeny and I lose sight in my right eye and my left eye looks out much more sideways. Though sometimes I can have baleen sensations earlier.

Lastly my flippers start to take definite shape and I can start to see colors on my flipper slowly moving from the tip towards my shoulder. And that is the furthest I have gone transforming since I have been on these meds. If I didn't take the meds, it would hopefully go the last little bits returning my body to whale, I might turn back and forth a few times but eventually my body should settle reverted to whale and stay that way.

Someday, I will not have to take the human pills anymore, and my body can return, I hope. If not fully, that is what prosthetics are for, I do not know how much damage these pills have done to my body.

Other CLsCZs, when you experience transformation? Is it always to the same extent, or does it vary? I am curious to hear.

Kala

[scientia-rex]

Hello, I appreciate your medical posts very much and having seen a post the other day where you said migraine was in your areas of special interest, I'd love to ask a related question. You talk about bodies and medicine and patient experience etc in a way that makes a lot of sense to me and I'd trust your take.

I have chronic migraine. I'm currently at 100% pain days, with varying severity. Very hard to pin down what is prodrome, the main event, and postdrome as it's all blurred into one. My migraine team want me to reduce painkiller usage (currently dihydrocodeine and paracetamol daily, and ibuprofen maybe every other day on top) due to rebound headache. I want to cut down because they're fucking expensive and I'm scared for my liver and kidneys. But I literally can't cope with life without them. I went off them for four months a few years ago and the pain was so severe and so debilitating I was the most suicidal I've been in my life. Without painkillers I can't get to the toilet unaided, rarely leave bed, even more rare to leave the house. It's hell. And that's not even considering the effects on everyone around me who has to pick up to care for me.

So what do I do? The way I see things, I need something to help the pain improve before I can use less painkillers, but the longer I go on trying to find something that works and not getting there, the more I think maybe I'm wrong in that. I know a bit about how codeine based painkillers can reduce your pain tolerance / pain baseline. I don't think it's an addiction issue because I've been at the same (over the counter) dosages for 4 years now. I just want to do all that I can to be better, but I also need to be alive to be better. I am stuck.

TL;DR - If you have any thoughts on the relationship between chronic migraine, painkiller use, preserving quality of life while finding a treatment, and increasing the chances of a treatment working, and where on earth the balance between all that lies, I'd really like to hear them.

Again, I absolutely appreciate if you can't answer this, don't want to etc. Giving advice online is notoriously tricky and all that. But a big thank you for your time in reading, and all your weight and exercise posts especially which make me feel so much better about my body. Wishing you all good things! 💖

I won't speak to your case directly, since I'm not your doctor, but here is my personal algorithm for escalating treatments for migraine (note that "abortives" in this case means something you take after a migraine starts to try to end it, while "prophylactic" means a daily treatment you take to reduce likelihood of developing a migraine):

-OTC combination of magnesium, feverfew, and butterbur, taken daily

-Triptans (insurance will usually demand patients fail at least 3 to cover a more expensive treatment)

-High-dose NSAIDs (as abortive treatment given risk of rebound headaches if used daily)

-Daily topiramate (insurance will always demand this is either failed or there's a clear contraindication)

-Daily calcium channel blockers

-Daily beta blockers (higher dose than used for anxiety or low-grade arrhythmias)

-Daily anti-epileptic medications (such as Lamictal)

-Monthly anti-CGRP monoclonal antibody injections (Aimovig or Ajovy; expensive so insurance will demand you've failed some or all of the previous meds)

-Abortive anti-CGRP orals (Nurtec or Ubrelvy)

-Abortive ergotamine, usually Migranal, a nasal spray (very expensive and must be repeated 15 minutes after initial dose regardless of whether symptoms are improving or not)

-Prophylactic Botox (I believe this is every 3 months, must be done in the office of a trained and licensed professional, usually but not always a Neurology provider)

-Sphenopalatine ganglion blocks (done by dripping lidocaine far back into the sinuses to reach the sphenopalatine ganglion, again in the office of a trained and licensed professional)

-Cephaly (transcranial magnetic stimulation at-home device), expensive so insurance hates covering it

Now, one of my newer tools, and my current personal favorite, is a greater occipital nerve block--easy and fast, low risk, and I've had about 90% success with my patients in aborting current headaches. Effects seem to last 3-4 weeks in most cases and since it's straight lidocaine (you don't have to include steroids, though you can) you can do it as often as needed. I generally do this in my office, but I did train one patient's spouse to do it at home given how frequent their headaches. The pharmacy lost their fucking mind about letting an outpatient have lidocaine. I don't know why.

I currently manage my pretty awful chronic migraines with a combination of monthly Aimovig, as-needed Excedrin (the combination of caffeine, Tylenol aka paracetamol, and aspirin is effective for many people but is a real risk for causing medication overuse headaches, the more official term for bounce-back), as-needed Ubrelvy (I can sleep after taking Ubrelvy but not Excedrin so it's a good option), and roughly monthly greater occipital nerve blocks (I teach my trainees to do it using myself as a subject). I wouldn't mind trying the Botox but it's a PITA to get in to see our only local Neurology provider and since my migraines are relatively well-controlled (probably 1-2 headache days a week right now) I don't think it's worth the effort.

I also really got a lot out of this lecture, so give it a try.

[saintsenara]

May I ask what medication you take, if any, to manage your adhd? Do you think you could have functioned without medication? And if you’re comfortable sharing, what age were you when you began med school (eg right after undergrad or did you wait a few years after) do you think upper twenties would be too late to begin?

You and a few other women who have degrees are my role models of sorts, or maybe a less intense term would be inspirational. I like to see people thriving with adhd and am trying to plan out how I might also turn things around and thrive with my symptoms, after seeing evidence that it is possible. Thank you!

thank you very much for the ask, anon!

i take stimulant medication [lisdexamfetamine - the brand name is elvanse in the uk, vyvanse in the us], which is the standard treatment for adhd in adults. not everyone can tolerate stimulants - and there are alternatives - but this works for me.

so much so that i intend - at this point - to take it for the rest of my life. this isn't the only way to treat adhd - in the first instance, patients need to work out whether stimulants benefit them, since the side-effects can occasionally be pretty intense - but it's an effective and safe one. i can survive without medication - in the same way that someone who is very short-sighted can survive without their glasses - but only in a decidedly suboptimal state which impedes my ability to live my life easily or comfortably. taking medication is an accessibility tool, in the same way that wearing glasses or hearing aids, or using a cane or a wheelchair are accessibility tools - they allow people to live well, rather than just to live.

there's a lot of moral panic about stimulant medication - with "moral" being the operative word, even when it comes from doctors practising in an area other than psychiatry/neurology. the clinical evidence bears very little of this panic out - and if you are worried about any of it, then you should ask a specialist.

on the rest:

medical school in the uk [as is also the case in much of europe] works slightly differently to how it does in other jurisdictions, in that it's not required to do a separate degree in a pre-med subject prior to beginning medical training.

over here, medicine is an undergraduate/bachelors degree in its own right - which is why the letters we use after our names are an abbreviation of "bachelor of medicine, bachelor of surgery", the exact configuration of which varies based on which medical school you went to [bmbs, mbchb, bmbch, and so on], rather than "md".

i began my medical degree at eighteen, immediately after leaving school - and this is the case for the majority of medical students at british universities. uk medical courses usually last for either five or six years depending on the university [mine was for six], after which there are two further years of general on-the-job training [foundation training - the equivalent to being an intern in the american system], before specialisation.

but that's not the be-all and end-all. it's possible to retrain as a doctor at any time. there are numerous courses in the uk specifically for mature students and there are plenty of mature students who study alongside the "typical" undergraduate cohort, regardless of level of prior education [if you have an undergraduate degree or above, you might go into a four-year accelerated medical degree; if you have no formal qualifications, you can gain the skills to meet the admissions requirements for standard-length undergraduate medical courses via an access to medicine course]. i've met plenty of people who began their degrees in their mid-thirties, often while juggling responsibilities the average eighteen-year-old has little cause to imagine, and all i've ever thought about this is that it's impressive.

the same will apply anywhere else in the world. you won't be the only person in the room who is starting their degree at 28. you probably won't be the only person in the room starting at 35. hell, you might not even be the only person in the room starting at 50. and who gives a shit if you are? for as long as you have the desire and capacity to learn, you have the right to.

[and don't just take my word for it. the youtuber rebecca bradford started her medical degree at 37, having left school without a single qualification. she's having the time of her life. you can be the same.]

doctors who come into the profession later in life are a net good. working in medicine means dealing with the astonishing variance of human experience - not simply from the technical, clinical side of things [you will always have that one patient whose body doesn't behave in any of the ways the textbook says it should] but from the social side of things too. it's vital that clinical teams are made up of people who have different life experiences and different transferable skills - and accruing these by taking a circuitous route into medicine is only going to advantage you and benefit your patients.

and adhd is a life experience, let's be clear. a good friend of mine is a nurse specialising in autism and adhd in adults. she decided upon this career after being diagnosed with adhd in her forties. i have no doubt that the lived experience she brings to the table has a tangible impact on how her patients learn to manage and be confident in their condition. not least because, as you say, it shows that having adhd is not all doom and gloom.

nonetheless, my advice would be - even though this is a struggle for the dopamine-challenged - not to rush into things. you need to have found ways of dealing with your symptoms - especially those which are exacerbated by stress - prior to making a big life change. medical school is tough. medicine is tougher. trying to do it while you're also trying to work out how to teach yourself to remember when your bins go out isn't going to be fun for anyone involved.

and you also, if diagnosed as an adult, need a bit of time to grieve not being diagnosed earlier. one potential course for your life was scrubbed off the map when nobody noticed you were neurodivergent as a child, and it's important to come to terms with that.

but once you feel ready to tackle a new challenge, why not? she who dares wins and all that.

[doin-just-fine]

Hiya!! I saw you were inviting people to ask you system stuff, so as a questioning/newly discovered plural I have a couple questions!! If you're uncomfy answering these please feel free to skip any or delete this ask! I know they're potentially quite personal.

How did you find out you're a system?

What does internal communication look/feel like for you?

How do you personally handle self doubt?

The People Wanna Know:

🛸 Hello!! Thank you for submitting this question! I know as a newly discovered system reaching out about system things can be scary!!

For you're first question, the initial "discovery" was after I had gone off my ADHD meds for a week due to the shortages that were/are happening. I have been medicated for my ADHD since I was 8 and hadn't had a break from my meds greater than a day or two since that age. Let me set the scene, I'm finally living on my own, dating a system, and under a lot of stress from other things in my life. I start questioning if I'm a system just a little bit, more of a check in with my psyche and less of theres evidence pointing me here. Then BOOM no meds for a week or so. As I start questioning this and checking in (something I have done before quite a few times since learning and researching about plurality off and on the past 5 years) I notice that theres a really loud voice telling me horrible things about myself every time I try to think and check in about this. At the time this was a very uncommon thing for my mind. As the week progressed the voice and it's emotion got more and more distressing each time it piped up but I kept pushing back against it until it almost felt like a bubble popped. I was fighting the rude voice and suddenly I got a wash of this voices name/identity. It felt like a voiceover layered with different ways of identifying with the name Cloud mixed with telling me off. Ex (tw: aggressive language ): "You're a fucking idiot" "This is stupid" "Dumb ass" "Fuck You Fuck You Fuck You" ((Bubble Pops)) "cloud" "You're a fucking idiot" "name-" "This is stupid" "You're just lonely" "name: cloud" "You're not a system just stop" "i am cloud" "Fucking idiot you're so stupid" "Fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off" "cloud" To be clear, it was more like the bubble popped and suddenly a new sense of identity started transmitting to me. Before just his words where being projected to me almost like over a loud speaker and then suddenly I was sharing a consciousness with him. This interaction was able to happen because my meds create a bit of a barrier that makes communication more difficult and therefore easier to hide the plurality from me. Once my meds were out of my system it made that negative voice louder and pushing against it easier until everything gave way.

Plurality is covert, meaning it doesn't want to be discovered and will do what it can to stay hidden, thats why gatekeepers exist and why denial spirals happen. You're brain doesn't want you to acknowledge it because then that means you are going to acknowledge what it has deemed unsafe memories, emotions, thoughts, feelings, patterns, ect. It also takes practice to navigate and communicate in your system and you won't be able to be sure of things right away. Things will change as you understand them better. For you're second question about communication I will be referencing how our varying levels of "fronting" works and to avoid making this response incredibly long I will direct you to the original post we first explain it in. We mostly feel each others thoughts rather than hear them. The only time I can every "hear" someone else's thoughts is if they are right next to me and/or feeling something very strongly. Usually if we want to "talk" to each other we talk out loud so everyone can hear what's being said and respond, or we right it out. But usually we rely of deciphering feelings. I can hear my own thought in my head but no one else's usually but they can seemingly hear mine. So I can talk to them in my head and then try to feel what they're emotional reaction is to what I'm saying and decipher their responses. It's a lot of yes or no questions or statements. like playing 20 questions. I can try to expand on our communication more if anyone would like me to. I do plan on making a post about it at some point.

As for your last question that ones very hard. I'm lucky that I told my therapist and she validated me making me feel clinically seen even without a formal diagnosis. She is far from being an expert or specialist but just being told by a medical professional "hey you're valid" was enough to take away the MAJOR denial feelings we would get. Early on it's gonna be very common and very hard. I had a could people go quite when I was first learning because they felt that me just wrapping my head around clouds existence alone first might be a better plan that 3 new people. And even now, it isn’t gone. It rears its head now and then especially because we are an atypical system so a few things that people use to fake claim kinda apply to us and we get worried we’re mistaken. If you have trauma, leaning on that when you have a denial spiral can be helpful like reminding yourself it makes sense for your brain to operate this way. If you don’t have trauma right down moments that feel particularly real and plural and when you start spiralling read those moments and try to remember how real that felt.

I hope this was helpful let me know if you have any questions or need clarification!!

REMEMBER: You're gonna be ok. You're gonna figure it out. Be kind and gentle with yourself and others. Asks are open. Have a nice day.

[softmick]

tag game thursday

once again i’m late on tag game tuesday (and other things) because i just cannot tuesday (and other things). so here’s a picrew that i was tagged to do and also wayyy too much about me! 

super big thank you to @catluvver118​ @mybrainismelted  @krystallouhoo​ @energievie​  @ardent-fox​ @lingy910y​ @such-a-barbarian​ for tagging me

ayyyyy.

Name meagan.

Whereabouts in the world are you? southern usa.

Do you have any pets? two! an orange cat named chunk and a tabby named scrappy (they are actually both chunky).

What do you do for work? i am blissfully unemployed.

Favorite fruit? i’m gonna say strawberry but it might be mango.

A pet peeve of yours: when people leave carts all over the parking lot or put them back sloppily.

Are you a fast walker or a slow walker? usually fast.

How do you usually wear your hair? side part, down.

Sunny days or rainy days? i need both, but generally prefer sun.

What time do you usually go to bed? it varies wildly because i am bad at taking my meds and performing self-care. 11pm-3am?

what time do you usually wake up? 9am-12pm (see above).

if you were a cartoon character, what would be your everyday outfit? in the summer a black tank and jean shorts. in the winter a black tshirt and gray sweatpants, maybe a jacket.

Something you’d like to learn: so many things. scuba. better writing. fluent spanish. embroidery. time management.

And finally, tell me something that made you happy recently: i had a really good birthday yesterday!

🩷❤️🧡💛

name: still meagan. :)

pronouns: she/her.

where do you call home? florida.

favorite animal: i love cats and sloths and cows and possums and manatees.

cereal of choice: i don’t really love cereal, but i’ll eat honey nut cheerios, honey bunches of oats, fruity pebbles, cinnamon toast crunch.

are you a visual, auditory, or kinesthetic learner? i’ve always thought that i do best with linguistic (reading/writing) but i’m questioning it now. probably auditory?

first pet? my family always had animals, but the first to really be mine was a gray tabby named peter pan.

favorite scent? if i had to pick one it would be my partner. but i have lots.

do you believe in astrology? horoscopes, no. signs as a tool for self-inquiry and reflection? sure. i follow a lot of astrology meme accounts. but my actual knowledge is very very basic.

how many playlists do you have on spotify/apple music? 16 in my library, but i didn’t make all of them!

sharpies or highlighters? highlighters!

a song that makes you cry: joanne by lady gaga. it was my grandma’s name and when i hear it i think about her and my aunt and my sister. all of whom have passed.

a song that makes you happy: hmm. any 80s pop but this is the first one i thought of was hungry like the wolf by duran duran.

and finally, do you write/draw/create? if so, use this as an opportunity to shamelessly (😉) promote yourself! all i have atm is on here tagged #mine 🤞but hopefully i’ll be posting something on ao3 this weekend!

💚🩵💙💜

Rules: pick five songs that someone else introduced me to that have made their way into my regular rotation then tag 5 people.

[yuribeam]

hey hello, sorry if this will be rude but wow your last post dude

hrt is NOT "like trying antidepressants" holy shit why are you spreading such an innacurate information

every hormonal medication doing fucked up shit, like don't you hear about all problems that cis women obtain after using oral contraception, for example? all health problems that tgirls get?

hrt is not like hell yeah give a shot and then just stop using it if it won't fit, nothing serious will get you i promise ;)

sorry again but as a trans on hrt MYSELF i'm a little confused by this attitude

my comparison to antidepressants was not in a literal medical sense. I meant HRT should be destigmatized and considered neutrally as a potential tool you can use that may or may not improve your health.

I very clearly say you should be fully informed of the risks.

I am not saying there are no permanent changes, I am saying you will not be immediately and completely transformed overnight like a werewolf and you can stop taking the medication at any point, assuming your hormone-producing bits have not been surgically removed. Obviously some changes can come quickly and it varies person to person. Obviously some changes can stick after you go off it. See again, informed of the risks.

I am on hormonal medication myself. I am aware of its physical and mental effects. I have tried dozens of other medications too. I have been fucked up by various meds in the past, including some long term side effects. I am disabled with complex medical problems, so believe me, I am familiar. However, in every case I weighed the risks and decided with my doctors to try them because I killed the gatekeeper of earning through suffering in my head and gave myself permission to try.

There's a huge transphobic narrative that HRT is unlike any other medication and should not follow that same process of informed consent, and that trans people should wait years and years agonizing lest they mutilate their bodies, and the sentiment of that post was intended to counter the internalization of that which causes many trans people to suffer for years thinking they're not trans enough to try medication, which most people picked up on.

It was not to give medical information on how HRT works, just to say that it is a process you can have some level of control over.

HRT very obviously has risks. I think everyone is well aware of that. Changes can obviously be permanent, but by and large they are gradual changes, not flipping a magical sex change switch.

I am not encouraging people to go try HRT for kicks and giggles without knowing the risks. I'm emphasizing that it's a personal decision that they should be empowered to make just like any other healthcare decision.

It takes years for a puberty to "complete." You know how people complain it's been months or years and they've barely seen any changes or still don't "pass" Going off low dose HRT after a few weeks or months most often doesn't mean you're forever gonna look like a man or a woman now, or that you can never try it again (in the case of informed consent access).

At a certain point, HRT kinda is just give it a shot and see if it fits. Not give it a shot if it passed your mind once or as a first step in exploring your gender, no one is saying that, but if you've been agonizing over whether you're allowed to try it, you should give yourself permission to explore the option. You have to pull the trigger eventually, which is what I'm saying, not to fire blindly. There will always be a degree of uncertainty with any medication until you see how it works for you and your body.

If it's something you want, you are informed of the risks and have accepted that your mileage may vary, and preferably have medical supervision for safety reasons (although I recognize that is a privilege for trans people in many places) you should give yourself permission to try it.

[smoqueen]

let me disarm the loaded part of this question before answering

i am one of those people that would rather play 3d over 2d any day, but that doesn’t make them necessarily inferior. i personally believe that they are, and i think 2d fighters are extremely slow to evolve. heres the read more

for one, 3d fighters are typically significantly slower paced. not just the rounds/matches themselves but also the moves you do. a jab in tekken is 10 frames. a jab in street fighter is 3. i’ve always preferred the pace of gameplay in 3d.

something i like about that means that i actually have an opportunity to fucking react to things. how are you supposed to react to a 5 frame move in SF? in tekken i can sometimes even duck throws on reaction, which vary between 14, 12, and 10 frames. 

for two, characters in 3d fighting games usually have WAY MORE MOVES than 2d counterparts. take ryu in SF - he has normals on 6 buttons, special moves (with ex versions, different versions for light/med/heavy etc). in tekken, negan has a shitload of moves attached to 1 (which represents the left hand). ryu might have ~50 total, and a lot of moves ‘repeat’ themselves, whereas a tekken character (especially older ones) might have like 200 or more. and they’ll have VASTLY different properties

oh wait let me explain notation. not all 3d games are like this, but in tekken, it’s 1, 2, 3 and 4, representing left hand, right hand, left leg, right leg. i love this system already, very intuitive. i prefer it to 6 button fighters, it makes more sense to me.

button combinations like 1+2 represent using both hands.

(in soul calibur, it’s A, B, K and G, meaning horizontal, vertical, kick and guard. it’s simpler for a lot of reasons, but also very intuitive in its own way. obviously you want to step out of the way of vertical moves!)

THE ADDITION of the extra dimension makes the game very deep for a variety of reasons. for one, stages have actual differences - in 2d games most stages really aren’t different at all besides visually. some might have wall breaks or different distances but that’s it. Tekken stages (and other 3ds) have different layouts, different shapes, wall/floor/balcony breaks are common, etc, and it usually contributes a LOT to how a matchup or game plays. (there are also no-wall infinite stages.)

but besides stages, being able to sidestep left or right obviously affects gameplay dramatically. in street fighter if they think im going to pressure them in the corner with jabs, mids, overheads, whatever, we HAVE TO fight in the corner. in tekken...they can find, or create, an opening to sidestep OUT of the corner. or sidestep the jab itself! slip left and you can punish me for trying to hit you.

which is a lot more like real fighting (i have done martial arts for a lot of my life)

you’ll hear a lot of people call tekken ‘one of, if not the, hardest fighting games.’ there was a picture floating around someone posted where a guy posted all his top ranks in fighting games and all his tournament wins, but in tekken he was only blue rank and couldnt get to emperor/tekken king/tekken god etc.

in tekken there’s always something to improve and you learn from every session. one session early on, i distinctly remember -- if i need to sidestep left against another negan while close-up, i should be sidestepping right in longer neutral, so that i have ROOM on my left. it’s just a kind of spatial reasoning concept that would never come up ever in a 2d 

the massive movelists and the massive amount of options EVERY character has available to them to DEAL with the massive movelist makes the game deep, hard and fun.

3d games like tekken typically have a lot of the things that a casual actually WANTS out of a fighting game, that 2d games typically don’t. character customization is an example.

ive already rambled for way too long so send more asks about fighting games

[mybrainproblems]

Hey! I have a quick convention question. There’s going to be a con near me soon(driving distance, won’t need a hotel) and I can’t afford much more than general admission. Do you think it would be worth it to just go for the panels and maybe sns? I’d hate to miss the opportunity to see the cast in person but if I cant have the “full” experience of getting autos and photo ops is it better to just stay home? Thanks!

hello! i hope you don't mind me answering publicly with a very long answer to your very quick question, but i wanted to give my honest review of going to a spn con as someone who loves spn and spnwin, but did very few ops. as a disclaimer: i am not criticizing folks who get a lot of auto/photo ops (a lot of my friends get them and enjoy them! i love seeing ppl's photo ops and hearing auto op stories!) but it's just not something i'm super interested in for myself.

short answer: my favorite part of the con was getting to meet ppl who i don't get to see much/hadn't met before and the general feeling of being part of a community. (if that sounds like you, definitely go!) doing a photo op with a group of friends and the spnwin actors made for a cute memento and we had fun with it, but i don't think you need (m)any extras to feel like you had a "full" experience unless you really want to spend a few minutes with the actors. but again; i'm not someone who cares much about directly interacting with the actors.

even more in-depth response plus some recommendations for if you go:

the panels were really fun and i highly recommend the ones with kim & bri, ruthie and dj. my understanding is that they're almost always all on friday for 3 day cons. the "ladies of spn" panel is also a good one and was on saturday. karaoke on friday night is free and super fun as an audience member - i highly recommend it! i recommend SNS as well, but also i got to be there for the rare occasion that jensen sang lol. unfortunately i was a bit out of it bc of anxiety meds so i don't think i got the "full" experience on that one, though i still enjoyed myself!

i will say that if you aren't interested in either walker or spnwin and don't have (m)any ops, you're gonna have a lot of down time so definitely take that into consideration. the only panels i was interested in on sunday were mark s and j2 (the gotham screening was a nice bonus bc otherwise it would've been a really sparse sunday for me). bc the first half of the j2 panel was almost entirely finale Qs, it had really weird downer vibes (the crowd/Qs really impact the panel vibes). once they started getting more general questions about spn and their other work it picked up a lot. jared and jensen both talking about their kids was really sweet and was probably my favorite part of their panel.

** unfortunately, both sp8 and rob had to back out due to conflicts/illness which was a bummer and i think i'd have enjoyed the con a bit more if they'd been there. but also jake abel filling in with a solo panel was fun and why i decided last minute to do jake and chill that evening.

all in all, i think the best part of cons is seeing friends who you may not usually (or ever!) get to see normally. and as fractious as the spn fandom is, we all love the same show and it's cool to see how many other ppl love the show. i really don't think auto/photo ops are necessary for a "full" con experience. m&gs might be worth the money if you wanted to get some actual time with the actors but those can be $$$ and stressful to get due to the auction process. photos are a cute memento but they are very rushed due to timing with panels/autos/m&gs. i didn't do an auto op but my understanding is that while it varies person-to-person, usually you only have a minute or two with with j2m; things are more relaxed with the rest of the cast. if i were an artist/had spn fanart i was proud of making, i'd probably do an auto op tho! (i mean, i do have spn fanart i'm proud of. but bc of the media i used, it would feel more like getting it defaced vs acknowledged lol)

side note: i do some event organizing with tight schedules as a part of my job and seriously, hats off to the scheduling folks and organizers at these events; the actors really do love engaging with fans which means almost everyone runs over and somehow the staff manage to keep the wheels not only on, but turning.

for reference, these are the "extras" that i did:

friday night karaoke (free with fri/full weekend admission - highly rec & did i mention it's free?)

SNS (definitely rec!)

jake and chill (fun, but not a "must-do")

group photo op with spnwin cast and friends

group photo op with baby and friends (v affordable and relaxed!)

i mean this in the kindest way; if you really feel like you're going to be missing out not getting any direct interaction with the actors, then i'd say skip it and save up for next time if you can. the worst feeling is paying the top of what you can afford for something that isn't quite what you wanted.

one crit thing i will say tho and i feel kinda bad about it: i thought i was prepared for how personal fans were going to get with the actors during panel q&a and... i was not. afaik CE no longer screens Qs and i don't want them to, but i wish some fans would keep in mind that their catharsis might be someone else's trigger. it's not like it happened a lot or destroyed my experience (i'm planning to go to another con in 2024), but i've never needed to take that much xanax over the course of 72hrs before.

[sigridstumb]

ETA: Everything is just in the most random order, I'm sorry, read all the way through??? This is funny, and I already reblogged it, but I am going to post it AGAIN, with some things I've learned from coming up on two years and eleven surgeries. I am NOT A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL. I have been through a LOT of surgeries in one city, at one hospital. Your experience will not be the same as mine.

People having a new experience do not know what to ask. It's all unknown unknowns, the things they don't know to be worried about.

If you or someone you know if having a surgery and y'all are new at this? First, bless you, I am so very pleased that you are fortunate enough to be NEW at this! Savor your circumstance, because you only get to be new at surgery once!

Onwards:

If you are having surgery, they will need to put in an i.v.. Of course, you will have been forbidden to eat or drink for 12 hours prior to your surgery, probably. Procedures vary. If you take any diuretic, like furosemide, do not take the dose before surgery. It will help enormously with getting your i.v. in. Some people react oddly to anesthesia. People with red hair, EDS, and/or habitual users of THC all need MORE anesthesia than others. Please TELL your anesthesiologist if you meet any of these criteria, and make sure they are aware that you may need more! If you or people related to you by genetics get carsick or get motion-sick playing video games -- headache, slight nausea, etc. -- then you have a much higher chance of puking your fucking guts out when you wake from anesthesia. Tell them this and ask for anti-nausea medication. A scopalamine patch behind your ear is standard. It stays on for three days. When you take it off wash your hands immediately after throwing it out. Scopalamine is the stuff they put in your eyes to DILATE them.

If you wake from surgery in pain or nauseated, tell them and REQUEST MEDICATION. Many U.S. hospitals have a policy that no-one will mention to you, which is that they do not proactively medicate people, they wait for distress. So the hot second you feel sick to your stomach, tell them you need a puke bowl and odansatron. Odansatron is a fast-acting anti-nausea med, delivered intravenously or in a pill that melts under your tongue. If you are in pain, do NOT be some sort of fucking champ about it (unless you have personal reasons, like allergies or rehab,) and just ask for diladid.

If you have never had narcotics, they will feel very weird and they might make you puke. There is a "flush" or "rush" feeling, often but not always starting in the scalp, kinda like the old "pretend to crack an egg on your friend's head and trickle your fingers down their scalp" game. The rush feeling floods through your body. Many people like it, many people hate it. It SHOULD make your pain better.

If you have had full anesthesia, they do not want to release you until you poop or emit gas. Anesthesia brings everything to a halt. You will be constipated afterwards, maybe for days. Doculax or Senna are two laxatives commonly available in the U.S. Use them, but ONLY as directed. give them time. Don't take six in a day because "it's not working yet."

It is fairly important to have someone with you in the hospital before and after surgery because hospital staffing is under incredible duress in the U.S. right now (2022-2024). You want someone who can get you a glass of water, fix your pillows. drag your phone charger cord closer, throw something away, etc. That other person is also able to pay attention to the questions before surgery and help you remember the answers, and they are a huge help post surgery in the recovery stage.

What to bring to surgery? This depends on whether it is Outpatient, Same-Day, or Admitted. Here are typical load-outs I bring to each kind of surgery: Outpatient: Phone, i.d. and insurance card, case for my glasses, case for my hearing aids. I don't bring car keys, the person driving me home has those. I wear normal clothes.

Same-Day: Same as Outpatient but also a charging station and charged battery, USB cables for same, and my tablet/iPad. I wear yoga pants, a jog bra, and a t-shirt.

Admitted: Same as Same-Day but also a change of soft, comfortable clothes that are very easy to on and off a person sitting down, extra underwear, toothbrush and toothpaste, notebook and pen in case I can't talk. I pre-load books, movies, and games onto my tablet in case the wifi is slow.

When you get to the hospital for a Same-Day or Admitted surgery, various people will come into the pre-op room and ask you things and do stuff to you. You will lose your clothes immediately. If the scrubs or gowns they give you do not fit, SAY SOMETHING. Hospitals have gowns that fit. Get one. The people who will come in and do stuff are: The orderly or PCA or assistant will ask you your name and birthdate. EVERYONE asks you this. They will look at your wristband. This person gives you the gown or scrubs, takes your temp and blood pressure. If you want it done manually, and not by the machine, ASK FOR IT.

The nurse will go over your records. This person will go over your medications and ask the last time you took all of them. Have this written down if you are worried you will mess it up. Have your person carry it if you are worried you will forget the list. They will ask you what procedure you are here for. They will put your i.v. in. If you are a "hard stick," they will call in someone else to do it. If you know whether or not you are a hard stick, tell them.

The nurse-anesthetist will ask you what you are here for, whether you have had anesthesia before and how did you react. They will look inside your mouth. They will ask you whether you have any implants, and whether you have sleep apnea. They will ask if you have dentures. Tell this person if you have red hair, EDS, or use weed regularly! Also tell this person about your nausea concerns! Ask them for scopalamine if you need it.

The anathesiologist will ask everything the nurse-anesthetist did and will also look in your mouth. Tell this person your anesthesia worries!

The surgeon will ask you what procedure you are here for. They will tell you and your person exactly what they intend to do. If you have ANY questions about what you hear, about the scope of the surgery, ask this person. Some possibilities include: what is the risk I will need to be in the ICU, and what might cause that? What might happen that would cause me to need a blood transfusion? Can you explain the risks again? Sometimes a surgery has options, like a gallstone surgery may result in more tissue needing removal, for example. Ask what the potential scope creep is. What will you do if you find endomitriosis? What if the herniated bowel has necrotized, what do you do then? Before you are at the hospital, google your surgery and see what the potential complicating factors are and decide whether you want to ask about them. The surgeon will ask you to sign a consent form.

God this is long. Again, hi, I am NOT A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL, I have just had about 9-11 surgeries in the last 20 months, and my next is in two weeks, so, like, I've been through the process a lot.

Pleas bear in mind that this in ONE person's experience at ONE hospital in one city in the U.S. Your experience will not be the same as mine.

But, I hope it's a good one. I hope you have a good team taking care of you. I hope you never have to do it again. Take care. You are loved and you are worthy of good treatment. Advocate for yourself. Get what you need.

See you on the flipside, comrade.

When we admit people to the hospital, we ask if they have any particular anxieties, concerns, or fears they want us to know, and most people say no or they’ll say something related to their disease process or some logistics about being admitted. But one guy said he was worried about the ghosts of people who died in the hospital. I don’t know how actionable that is, but by god do I respect it as an answer

[allylikethecat]

Ally!! Can I just say you make my Tuesdays so fun because i know i get to read fics during lunch instead of stressing out over how insurance won’t cover my patients meds!!!!! 😭💀 (in the end they always pay i just have to fight with them for a couple days 🥲)

anyway— i was scrolling on your ao3 and looking at all the fics you have and i know you’ve answered before but how on earth do you decide which one gets an update??? there are so many and all of them are amazing!! how many chapters do you write at the same time and how far along do you have your current wips thought out?

todays chapter has me anxiously waiting to hear what matty and george are going to say to each other i need tears laughs loves hates basically the whole works and it ends with them being a happy family again 😭😭😭 if i were baby i would need more than a drink rn i’d be like “damn i’m staying in here my life is already insane and im not born yet” anyway—i’ll be back after i get off work to talk more

🥤

AHHH Hello my dear Smoothie Anon! As always it is such a joy to hear from you!

I'm so sorry to hear that lunch is usually spent stressing over insurance related matters (why is insurance always the worse? I just thought for two weeks to get Pop's renewed, and then when it came time for me to pay i was ghosted by my agent for a week, I was like WHERE IS MY INVOICE DON'T YOU WANT MY MONEY?! ALL THE CONTRACTS HAVE BEEN SIGNED) BUT I'm glad that a Ducklings update could be a nice little distraction!

What fic gets updated when usually varies - some fics had set update schedules (ex. All the King's Horses was every Friday) and Rid Me of the Blues was the OG Tuesday update fic (and why Tuesdays became a thing in the first place lol) now it's usually just vibes - if you come to my inbox and scream about a certain fic enough I will probably update it sooner, I also have some really great mutuals who make it very known which fic they would like next lol I try and get to the fics that haven't been updated in a while (which is why today was Ducklings instead of On a Friday.) But other times it's just whatever I'm feeling at the moment. I'm sorry for not having a more concise answer! It pretty much just is vibes though 😬

In terms of how far ahead - Ducklings the outline was tossed out months ago and we are just... seeing what happens I have no master plan (if anyone has a master plan please send it my way) but for YKWTCI (which I know hasnt been updated in ages it just makes me feel weird), On a Friday, and Forever. I do have very detailed outlines of each chapter and what is happening next. Little changes might occur but for the most part there is direction and a plot. I usually try and stay at least one chapter ahead when posting but that doesn't always happen. Forever. is the one I am the most ahead in terms of writing and posting because that is what I'm most excited about, but I also have a decent chunk of the Vampire AU written as well. (And another oneshot that is almost finished 👀) Other than when I was "broken" for a bit there over the summer I'm pretty much always writing!

AH They're FINALLY going to COMMUNICATE like ADULTS (hopefully) but yeah baby wants no part in whatever mess this is between their parents they are like ummm sort it out before my arrival thanks!

Thank you SO MUCH for taking the time to like reach my fics and send me this ask!! It means more than you even know! I hope the rest of your day at work goes / went well! And I hope you have a great night and a fabulous rest of your week! Thank you again for the continued support!

❤️Ally

[daily-nightamins-at-25-00]

HELLO!!

Hello!! Welcome to the (un) Official Nightcord at 25:00 pharmacy!! Here we distribute all vitamins and supplements under the 25-ji group of medicine!!

Here at the Nightamins at 25:00 pharmacy, we give out all kinds of vitamins for your health!!

Vitamin Ena: Very prominent and effective, known for helping with blood circulation.

Vitamin Kanade: Helps with hearing and gives emotional comfort.

Vitamin Mafuyu: Prevents brain implosion. Very dangerous to stop taking.

Vitamin Mizuki: Helps mental health and gives self confidence! Some hair supplements are a part of this vitamin.

Along with vitamins, we also administer supplements to assist with your daily life!!

Supplement Niigo Miku: Assists with emotional regulation and reduces depression.

Supplement Niigo Luka: Gives a boost in creativity and ideas.

Supplement 25-ji Rin: Provides emotional support and gives comfort.

Supplement 25-ji Len: Helps with digestion and has a calming effect.

Supplement N25 MEIKO: Assists in solving logic driven problems, like puzzles.

Supplement N25 KAITO: Gives motivation and energy, while regulating exhaustion.

Please take these meds with caution!! Taking infrequent doses and varying sizes will cause side effects to pop up! Stopping consumption of these vitamins and supplements will lead to death, so tread lightly.

Taking more than prescribed will lead to severe side effects, some of which include social reclusion, anger issues, becoming nocturnal, death, cardiac arrest, loss of sanity, nausea, etc. More severe instances of these side effects will occur from malnutrition and deprivation of Nightamins.

Nightamins are distributed every day! Scheduled to meet up with almost every time zone!

That being said, the schedule is as follows:

Vitamin Kanade is to be taken on every 01, 05, 11, 15, 21, and 25 days.

Vitamin Mafuyu is to be taken on every 02, 06, 12, 16, 22, and 26 days.

Vitamin Ena is to be taken on every 03, 07, 13, 17, 23, and 27 days.

Vitamin Mizuki is to be taken on every 04, 08, 14, 18, 24, and 28 days.

Supplements will be provided on every 10, 20, and 30 days in the following order:

Supplement Miku during January and July

Supplement Rin during February and August

Supplement Len during March and September

Supplement Luka during April and October

Supplement Meiko during May and November

Supplement Kaito during June and December

On each 09, 19, 29, and 31 day, the vitamin will be a random art piece either official or unofficial.

#notamin for non vitamin posts

#nightamins at 25:00 for daily vitamins!!

Each member will have their own tag! It being their type, surname initial, and name! (Ex: vSEna, s25Len, vAMafuyu, s25Meiko, etc.)

This blog also has some occasional accidental milgram and other fandom content. Reference to the Amane President post that I reblogged on the wrong account and won’t take down.

My firefighter related ramblings because I love them <3

#Fire Department Ramblings for that btw

Important!!: I am very bad at tagging and will continually forget to do so on non-nightamin posts. I’m working on it but please be patient and careful!!

DISCLAIMER: I am a minor ( @calleigator (pjsk id is 432929375353335813) and am NOT affiliated with SEGA, Colorful Palette, or anything official related to Project Sekai. Also this was very much inspired by @daily-vitamin-ena so thank you!!

Also!!: I am the Janitor ™︎ for Fazlens :D

OG divider by @/Kawaii-Lau!! Edited to suit Niigo

[rebelwheelsnycpoetry]

Sploot (Rebel!)

by Michele Sommerstein

brain, type: neurodivergent brain mode, loading, please stand by we will address your question in a second… (not literally) cue hold music improvised and multi-genre, chaotic jazz, cool (think Mingus) or super calm, soothing & with cats or silent songs with no static, for that is sensory disdain my brain… weird and fabulous and delayed in processing the, words details and their meaning in real time, this, information, perpetually coming, agh!

sometimes it feels like, I am performing human this, flustered alien divine exhausted from trying to translate, what this tone and that smile or that particular positioning of the eyebrows might mean & not getting it right. humans are so confusing and, I prefer the company of dogs.

sometimes inquisitive, philosopher, observing, questioning, refusing to go along with, social customs without reason or at least knowing why they exist while so many just go along without knowing why they exist and why? “Because” they said “that’s just how it is” and what?! kind of life is that?

Rhetorical questions answered accidentally chagrined but grinning, amused or mildly mortified ask me how I am doing, and I will tell you, honestly, potentially, failing to detect the presence of small talk, like a habitual waltz that's lacking sincerity or real connection, a waste of time preferring silence if the former is not an option.

Awkward (& with negative connotations) at times but only to the neurotypical. To the kindred brains, my people, weird and fabulous we are awkward but gloriously so This beauty, worth more than gold, to find your people like unbuttoning that top button and letting it all hang out Tongue out and relief this that can only be achieved, when you do not internalize the stigma maintenance daily for if you do not shine your light (but not for the ableds, not for their inspiration) if you don’t fly your sploot flag, your truth with pride (even if wavering) yellows, oranges, sequins and cats, blue-purples & soft textures or however your flag looks like, mine changes on mood then how will your people ever find you?

And I know Sometimes it’s hard. The ableism. humans. professionals who, despite having a degree from med school, who don’t get it, grossly, lacking, training, they call you, emotional & too much so as if they too, would not be overwhelmed in a world where everything, blaring at top volume hold your ears & take a look, for you are the only one in the room, bothered this sensory overload while those around, stink-face, judging what they do not know wondering what’s your problem? for their ears are not overly astute & in tune to the alarming the loud buzzing of the fridge the click click click of the clock on the wall, amplified their vision naturally dimmed to the screaming lights, those who have no need to shield their eyes saw no need to create a room of refuge for those of us who see and hear and feel it all.

those who, hold you to this standard of perfection or condescension as if they are perfect? they are not. they hear the word impairment and they think they know based on textbooks written by the neurotypical ‘she’s sweet but too slow to have an opinion of her own’ but oh, you are very much aware of the bullshit that is around you. but can not always process it in real time nor fast enough to advocate sufficient and frustrated and tears (inside)

and because all of this varies, fluctuates is not fixed or constant, but a spectrum that ebbs and flows (as if all things in life are fixed or invalid) they, who are supposedly wise and educated do not get it, even doubt it even though you are not the first of your kind and the burden of this, of being so damn misunderstood the consequences that ensue weighs on you, can wear you down but you must always remember: you are not the problem.

last night, my brain thought what if pigeons started a conspiracy theory group called coo-anon existing solely to promote pigeon supremacy based on the fear that other birds are trying to replace them even though pigeons are all around & a supervisor is just a beach hat with an obvious and fantastic upgrade

Headphones, on Sunglasses, round, retro, ready and black, worn stylish and eccentric ranging in protection from the fluorescent and not so fluorescent lights with rhinestones, cat-eye, glamour, & tassels like a cat toy, swish swish joy (for the days when I don’t mind things touching my face) for if I must exist in this world, that is sometimes too damn bright and loud then I shall do it with intention and in a way that feeds my soul (also great for hiding, like a portable form, of sensory fort)

brain type: neurodivergent. Squirrel! Sorry, what was your question? brain mode, loading, please stand by���

[teddybeartoji]

hi mickey!! i’ve been on an off adhd meds for about 4 years so i’ll tell you my experiences with the two i’ve been on ☺️

the first one i was ever on was adderall and the first day i took it i genuinely got the worst stomach ache of my life. had to leave school early it was sooooo bad. but that happened ONCE and then never again so it was all good. genuinely helped me focus, for the 2ish weeks i was on it i did really well in school which was abnormal to me. i was on the lowest dosage though and i felt like i became kind of immune to it very quick so they upped me to the next dose and i unfortunately cant remember how that went at all but i figure it didn’t do much for me bc i switched meds.

the med i’ve been on longer is vyvanse which i have a love hate relationship with…bc. well. it makes me genuinely sick, like it just completely gets rid of your appetite. the idea of food, smelling food, looking at it, eating it. just can’t do it. i either eat before it or when it first kicks in bc unfortunately if you don’t eat while you’re on it the effects are worse. like you have to fight through the sickness so you don’t feel sicker? it also makes me wayyyyy social, takes away so much of my anxiety and makes me feel happy. my therapist said it’s because adhd can manifest as anxiety often times so it’s counteracting that. i don’t have an active prescription but i had one last year so literally like 2 weeks ago i had to do a shit tone of homework and i took the rest of my pills over the course of the week. and i got soooooooooooo much more work done than i did all quarter so that was great.

the crash after is INSANE though. it’s not uncommon to feel like super sad when it wears off and i vividly remember crying in school at the end of the day once bc it was wearing off and i started having an existential crisis. the nap after also crazy like just totally knocked out for hours. and the focusing and happiness will be gone but the icky stomach feeling will linger until u eat.

that’s just my experience but i hope it helped a bit :)

HII RO<333333 THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS WITH MEEE!!!!!! it's so good to hear genuine experiences bc they can just differ so so so much. i had never heard about vyvanse so i wrote that one down for myself.

it sucks that the side effects can vary so much........ like damn can the medication just be Medication instead of taking away one thing and replacing that with like three smaller things??????? pls. when i got my antidepressants my friend told me all about her first two weeks (we had the same meds with the same dosage). she was like yeah you definitely have to eat before you take them or you'll get super sick, you have to take them almost at the exact time every day or you'll get sick + she had like stomach aches and she felt like she was gonna throw up a lot so she was just constantly chewing gum for the first two weeks and that scared the fuck out of me. bc. that's a lot of things lmao like is it even worth it all of that???? but then i had absolutely none of that NONE OF IT. the only time i feel sick is when i forget to take them...... but it's still good to know how it is for other so i can atleast BE READY FOR IT.

ok but you don't take them daily though right? just when you know you're gonna be more busy? is that just because you don't feel like you have to take them daily or you don't want to? my friend kind of does the same but the thing is... i am literally unemployed rn and i don't have school or anything but i still feel like i can't focus on anything so i'd probably be taking them on a daily basis anyway.. and i'm just wondering whether that's a bad thing or not. maybe it just depends on how well they actually work and whether or not they give me any big side effects............ sighh it's so upsetting that you just have to Try Them. pay for the session buy the meds probably suffer for some time just as an experiment lmao i love it

it's really good to hear that it helps with your anxiety too btw!!! i didn't know that it could do that and this is just making me wanna try it out even more i'd love to Not Be Anxious. whew what a crazy thought.

but i am very very very scared of the appetite loss though bc well...... i struggle with that anyway i just kind of forget about it and it's such a big task so the thought of taking something that could possibly make that even worse.............. is scary lmao this was one of the things my psychiatrist warned me about too

oh and also the crash after it......................... MMMMMMMM yeah that's a bit scary too just considering i tend to go through every single feeling and emotion on a daily basis anyway thanks to my good old friend autism. SIGHHHHH WHY IS IT HARD BEING OFF MEDS AND WHY IS IT HARD BEING ON MEDS PLSSSS

oke i kinda yapped but genuinely THANK YOUUU FOR TELLING ME ABOUT UR EXPERIENCE!!!!! now i know what to expect a bit more!!!! i hope you're having a good good day<333 love u MWAHH

[tamerajedwards]

DEALING WITH SEVERE ANXIETY and PTSD-My own story! And yes! Creative people are more likely to suffer from this-

T.Edwards

An interesting fact! Out of control anxiety can cause acid reflux. I should have put this together long ago. My acid reflux’s started in 2008 when I was in a stressful marriage that led to divorce. I never dealt fully with a lot of my issues from my past including that marriage. As I carried it forward it affected my health. The anxiety, which I refused to treat with medication and counseling at the time then turned into weight gain, stress and acid reflux. Fast forward 14 years, I have taken off 40 pounds, started counseling and I’m on day 3 with anxiety medication. I pray I can really turn my life around.

I keep a journal everyday which includes thoughts, foods and meds. Maybe it’s a bit OCD but I’m a girl who wants answers. Here’s something interesting. I was afraid to take anxiety medication because of possible side affects. I don’t like to feel uncomfortable not even for a second. Depression medication can do that too. It’s like taking off in an airplane ✈️. It can take a few weeks before reaching cruising altitude. On the way UP you can feel restless, twitchy, and creepy crawly sensations in your body that you may just want to take the meds and throw them in the garbage which is exactly what I did a few years back. I’m still not willing to try an antidepressant again. Millions of people are on them and I believe God gave us medications for a reason. So by all means I am supportive of this.

So here’s an interesting observation I made. Three nights ago I took my first anxiety pill and didn’t feel much, just a little sleepy and dizzy (which are side effects) then on night two I felt concerned- two hours after taking the pill I started feeling very noticeable creepy crawling sensations in my face and scalp. I reached up to rub my head and face to make it go away. I can be a side effect of several medications. It made me uncomfortable! It made me miserable and upset that the thing I’m trying to get away from —->ANXIETY was the one thing taking this medication was giving me back! I did happen to take note that I was watching a movie called “13 Lives”. This is the movie about 13 soccer players and their coach trapped in a cave in Thailand for over 2 weeks during monsoon season. Rescuers had to dive into the cave and it took over 3 hours to reach them, then they had to sedate them to bring them out which took another 3 hours under the water in tight spaces just to bring them out. I guess I was more tense than I realized. Although I love movies like this, they aren’t good for me.

So on night three I took the anxiety pill expecting the weird sensations to return, but this time they didn’t. So at this point in time what I can conclude is that the movie gave me anxiety and the ants crawling on my face and scalp sensation. This means that circumstances such as this can overstimulate your parasympathetic nervous system. I had actually put myself in the cave with those boys and tried to figure out how I might get out if that was me. My imagination is so strong. It always has been. I’m a hugely creative person. My greatest strength in life is also my Achilles heel. Isn’t that how life goes?

Psychotherapist Diana Pitaru explained that anxiety is often felt by creative people even if the symptoms vary from one person to another. It's not uncommon to learn that creative people like artists, singers, actors, and writers struggle with mental health issues such as anxiety.Feb 28, 2022

Many people turn to recreational drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, and many other elements that are only bandaids that only mask dealing with problems head on. I am not immune to this either. Maybe that’s why you hear of so many Hollywood people crashing and burning, or going to rehab or worse yet, dying. We each must deal with this on our own. We certainly don’t need to hear people saying, “Just get over it! Why are you feeling that way? Just stop feeling anxious.” We did not order this. It’s not like we want depression and anxiety to take over our bodies. Sometimes it happens with no reason at all. What we do need is supportive people in our lives. Not ones who abandon us in the middle of a panic attack or health issue. Surround yourselves with supportive people and get rid of unsupportive people. They aren’t ready to understand until it happens to them.

The one thing I want you all to take from my blog is that NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE should ever be ashamed or shamed for having Depression, anxiety, Bi Polar, Autism, PTSD, OCD, or any other condition. You should feel love and support from everyone around you. It’s just like having any other physical illness in your body. There is no shame.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. May you all find peace, health, and happiness in your life!

[sigridstumb]

Okay, okay, okay, like, your mileage may vary and I am not saying "stop taking your meds" or "just practice yoga" or some other bullshit buffoonery. YOU ARE NOT ME. YOUR EXPERIENCE MAY BE VERY DIFFERENT.

BUT.

All -- and I mean literally ALL -- of my very upsetting anxiety and OCD has been cured -- by which I mean it no longer negatively impacts my life -- by me NOT GIVING A SHIT ABOUT IT.

Do I still only drink out of my favorite cup? Yes. Do I care what other people think about it? No. Is my favorite cup dirty? I can wash it.

Does everyone around me know that I am an alien spy? Sure, why not! Are they doing anything to me about it? Nope.

Did my wife ask me to do something in the middle of my Getting Ready In the Morning routine? Yeah, but I can either ask her to wait until I am done OR I can interrupt my routine, tell her I am kerfluffled because my routine was interrupted, and move on.

When I am very tired I hear people call my name and I see little scurrying friends. So what? Nothing bad happens as a result! Also, I did a LOT of acid in college, what did I expect?

All of my high school anxiety was not because I had OCD; I had OCD as a symptom of my anxiety that my friends would figure out I was an alien spy with anxiety.

Like. Just.

I am autistic, I am disabled, I am out of fucks to give and my mental health has never been better in my life.

extremely ymmv but i've had multiple psychotic episodes a year, every year, since 2006 that were entirely untreated until 2020 because literally nobody would believe it was happening. still entirely untreated bc frankly meds just made me feel like ass and i long ago employed One Simple Trick (Psychitrists Hate Her) for turning that from an always-distressing experience to "mildly annoying, only occasionally distressing and still less so"

gonna share it with you okay. you ready. again ymmv

the only hallucinations/delusions that it actually matters whether they are real for everyone or just real for you are ones that could put you in actual physical danger.

ex: i frequently experience the lights flashing in what i can only assume is morse code. does it matter if anybody else is seeing that? only in the sense that if they are i need to change the lightbulb i guess. at the start i never tried 'translating' or figuring that out in any way because i was too busy being extremely upset about it. i still haven't de-coded my lightbulbs because I Do Not Fucking Care and It Does Not Fucking Matter. this could have been an email. this should be an email, actually. it's a mildly annoying distraction but does it matter if it's "really" "happening"? Not in the fucking least.

Does it matter if the cool shop I was so VERY sure was there last week but which is now a coffee shop everyone insists has been there for 10 years actually did exist or not? Literally no! It's still Not There right now whether it was there last week or not so this changes absolutely nothing.

Listen. Look at me. For... most people I think, a lot of the distress from psychosis comes not from the direct content of any hallucinations or delusions (some very much are genuinely unpleasant in their own right, obviously) but from questioning reality and being unsure what's real and what isn't. Realising and internalising that unless something is going to actually directly impact your life in some way it doesn't matter drastically cuts this down

"is this real?" is the wrong question. "does it matter if it's real? like actually?" if the answer is no because "it" happens to be a cat that is in your kitchen when you do not own cat then like. whatever, dude. you got bonus cat company for the duration whether it was "objectively" "real" or not anyway.

(last one brought to you by an old friend who was hallucinating an entire cat but was freaking out because it was in the doorway and she did not know if something bad would happen if she touched it, and then i pointed out that it doesn't matter if the cat is there or not and doesn't matter if touching it would be a bad idea because it is cat sized and you can... step over it. that is not really a problem and even if it were it's a problem for the future version of you who does not have to pee unfortunately i have never hallucinated an entire extra cat)

[saphirered]

Saph I hope you feel better! I really liked the VM Snow White you just posted, but could you also please do the same prompt but with M9 boys including Molly? If you’re not feeling up to it that’s fine too!

Thank you! The meds are beginning to do their job luckily. I'm glad you liked the last one. I blinked, my hand slipped and now it's here. Prepare for some angst. Hope you enjoy! 😘

(Caleb)

Caleb had always known his past would come to haunt him. He was prepared for it. Prepared to take the hit, take responsibility for everything and he’d face his past be that with or without the people he loves. Part of him, once he got used to having these fools around, having you around, wanted it to be on his own, to protect them and protect you. To not have any more lives lost in the grand scheme. The people he loves becoming collateral would be unacceptable. But you had become collateral in the grand scheme of things.

When it became clear to his enemies he was a bit more attached to you than the others, they took this weakness and exploited it. They pushed his buttons before, using you as a tool, verbal bait even, but he never fell for it. His reluctancy to act on his feelings, to keep them to himself instead, were the very thing he hoped would keep those loose ends from latching onto you. His love is a curse, the objects of his desire always to be torn away from him no matter how hard he tries to prevent it. He’s lost you to that same curse. Not lost. Almost lost.

You’ve been cursed, your conscious mind separated from your unconscious body. Simple healing spells wouldn’t do the trick here. This curse holds no roots in the divine. He’s spent days researching and that much he could confirm. This curse would take an arcane approach. Something he prides himself in to be his specialty. Lucky you. Lucky him. He had the others bring all books, ancient scrolls and other sources of knowledge brought to him, along with a wide variety of components once he’d made a significant dent in the research matter, assuring him this would have the greatest chances of success.

It’s not the soft canopy bed with the plush pillows from the fairytales you’re placed on. Instead you lay on a wooden table, inscribed with all sorts of arcane sigils. Nor do you look like some angelic peaceful being. Your brow is furrowed in discomfort, your hands balled into fists at your sides. Caleb moves a brush against areas of exposed skin, painting symbols to match with precision and care, afraid to even make a single mistake, triple checking every mark. He speaks the incantations while incorporating the components varying from precious gems crushed and whole, herbs and incense. And then he waits. He doesn’t expect the effects to be immediate, often with these magics it is not and he knows that but that doesn’t get rid of the impatience and fear.

“How I long to hear your voice again. I know this will work but that doesn’t ease away the sliver of doubt. What if… What if… That’s what I keep asking myself. I know it’s stupid.” Caleb wipes an hand over his brow as he pulls up a chair and sits at your side, elbows leaning on the table careful to avoid any sigils just in case.

“It also faced me with the harsh reality that I held off telling you how I feel. It looks so stupid now in hindsight because what good did it do anyone. In the end you still ended up paying for my mistakes. I was stupid to push you away, try to convince you your own feelings were unreciprocated. I know I didn’t have you fooled in the slightest but to know I could have loved you, it makes me feel like I am to blame for wasting that opportunity and possibly shortening our time together. The thought of losing you before having given you my love will forever be my greatest regret.”

Caleb watches the muscle of your hand unclench and relax. He hears a deep intake of breath and staring at your face he’s met with your smile, one filled with love as he helps you sit up. All is good once more.

(Fjord)

Fjord’s drenched to the bone, out of breath, anger running through him like he’s never experienced. Still he’s unsure if his anger is directed at the one responsible for your eternal slumber or at himself for making a ballsy move that didn’t pay off in the slightest and in fact backfired in a worse way he could have ever imagined. He played a game of chicken with Uk’otoa and lost. He’d have been fine by letting someone else pay the price for him. Why should he care about some stranger becoming victim to the leviathan? The one who paid the price, became the victim to his actions didn’t end up being a stranger. It had to be you of all people hadn’t it?

Uk’otoa must have been watching his dreams, even his waking actions if that were possible and have seen his infatuation with you. When the leviathan threatened Fjord in another briny dream of his mentioning your name he had called bullshit. The snake had never been able to reach out to anyone it didn’t already have some kind of grasp on. Little did he know Uk’otoa had just that. Just enough of a sliver through him, and the Cloven Crystal to get to you.

So there Fjord sits at your bedside. You’re just as drenched as he is, hair dripping, skin glowing in the candle light of the room reflected off the water particles. Your lips are tinted blue, a redness around your eyes, your skin is cold. The sleep you’re in is a state of perpetual drowning and Fjord knows what it feels like, to drown. He can only hope you’re spared that pain. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to forgive himself if you are tortured like so because of his actions. Clasping your hand between both of his he runs his fingers over your knuckles. He bows his head. It still feels so wrong to not have you respond to his touch. So wrong.

“I want you to know that I am to blame for your fate. I’m about to do a very stupid thing to make it right. I know you’d tell me not to but I can’t sit by and watch you suffer like this. I’ve tried everything. I’ve begged and bargained. I’ve shouted at the skies but I got no reply. Everything comes up empty and I see no other choice than to do this. It might sound stupid but I came to ask for your forgiveness.” Fjord pauses. Usually he would have gotten a reply. He would sell his soul for just having you tell him everything will be alright. It’s a good thing he’s about to sell it for so much more than that. It’s worth it. It’s worth having you alive and well.

“I won’t ask for forgiveness for what I’m about to do because I will never regret it. I ask only you may one day forgive me for what I might become. I need you to know I love you and did, will do all of this out of love. That’s why I hope you’ll never see me again after I give myself to Uk’otoa. I can’t bare to watch that affection in your eyes being replaced by hatred, but most of all disappointment. I hoped to be worthy of your love and I will always regret never having truly experienced it.” Fjord’s voice cracks slightly. He studies your face, as if to ingrain every detail into his memory, as if he thinks he might never see it again.

“I’m afraid. I’m so deadly afraid.” Fjord whimpers pressing a kiss to the back of your hand before he lets go. He checks his supplies, taking out the Cloven Crystal, glaring at the orb intensely cursing the thing to oblivion. Coughs pull him out of his staring match with the crystal. Your body moves, leaning over the edge of the bed vomiting up brine. Fjord drops the orb and his belongings running over to you and helping you gather your bearings until you’re no longer chocking on sea water.

“You better not do what I think you’re planning with that orb or so help me Storm Lord, I will drown you myself.” Fjord can’t do anything but laugh despite the very real threat on his life as you pull him into your embrace.

(Caduceus)

Caduceus isn’t bothered by death. Death is part of life as much as living is. It’s inevitable. Every soul will move on, leaving its vessel for the earth, the fire or the wild things to bring forth something new. What does very much bother him are perversions of death, those who try to cheat death, upset the natural balance, maim and manipulate that what is and should be. He hates it with a passion and seeks to rectify it, return the world to that balance when faced with it. That’s where you come in. You much like him have a respect and understanding of life and death similar to his own. Very few people understand that. Very few people do not fear the end when they see it coming. You’re one of those very few people.

You understand Caduceus on a different level, in his sentiment and mannerisms while others may think him strange. Not that he cares if people do, you’ve been his filter in the big shiny new world past the borders of his grove. You’ve been his safety net, his grounding force, his safe haven when the world seems against him and he thinks his senses might be wrong. The Wild Mother must have gently blown her winds to bring you together.

That’s why it seems so wrong you’re affected by this darkness having taken hold over your body, leaving you in a state of not entirely alive nor dead. Resurrection has been futile as much as draining your life and allowing you to move to the care of the Wild Mother herself. You’re trapped and that’s why Caduceus fears what would happen should you die. He’s seen what this perversion of life and death has done to his home, the forests surrounding it and the creatures living in it. He’ll do everything in his power to prevent that from happening to you.

Caduceus has put your body through the typical burial rites and rituals, preserving what he can by using wards and the divine blessings granted to him by his goddess, sending her prayers of your recovery but you appear to be even beyond her reach now. He moves a damp cloth across your arms and face, brushing aside your hair, humming to himself until he’s done, moving on to clean the room around you, getting rid of the dust, placing things back where they belong and replacing the decayed flowers with fresh ones. Caduceus gathers his tea, preparing a cup for himself as he watches you.

“Can you show me how they’re doing?” The wind grows cold. He knew that would be the answer but still he could hope maybe that answer could change.

“Are they in pain?” The wind grows warm but then cold again. You were, but not anymore. It seems that the new wards he’s put up are doing their job. That’s good.

“Is there a cure?” The gentle breeze disappears. She doesn’t know then. This goes even beyond the goddess herself but it doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Caduceus will keep hope, though it is dwindling fast, for your sake he’ll have hope. He’s always spoken to the dead before and while you’re not really dead, there’s a strange comfort to something that feels so final.

“Hey. I’d ask you how you’re doing but that’s not gonna work now, is it? Don’t worry. You’re going to be fine. I know you are. You’ve managed to keep me alive with the others for much longer than I’ve been taking care of you like this. I think we’re going to be fine. I know you’re here but I still miss you. Calliope makes for terrible company watching things unfurl between the others. She’s too much of a hopeless romantic. You forgot to tell me the recipe to that special brew of yours. I’ve been trying to recreate it but I haven’t been able to. I think what I’m trying to say is, I could really do with having my best friend back. That’d be nice.”

Caduceus sips his tea, face devoid of his usual dopy smile. A sudden breeze hits through the window, blowing it open. A few lighter weight and loose items go flying but the thud of a heavier one is clear to hear. Caduceus closes the window and feels something solid hit his boot. It’s a crystal from the ones surrounding the grove. He picks it up, feeling the warmth run through it. The breeze directs towards you and he feels himself walking over to your body. The crystal calls to you and when it touches you your body runs with energy, pulsing, like you’ve been forcibly pulled back to this world. You look around eyes wide breathing heavy.

“Hey.” Caduceus smiles. “I made tea.”

(Mollymauk)

Maybe pretending you and him were some high born assholes was a questionable decision. Taking on an invite directed at the said people you were impersonating even more so, and stealing, sorry, borrowing without asking, some things from their summer cottage to swim in luxuries, an out right terrible idea when these people happen to be very well connected.

So when these fancy folk came back to the cottage earlier than expected, the two of you had grabbed what you could before making your grand escape, chased by their private guards until you lost them. A safe distance away you set up camp. Time to inspect your findings before returning to the carnival. Your eye for valuables had always been much more keen than Molly’s and your appraisals usually spot on. It was only natural he would let you do your thing but he’d still help you.

Particularly proud of getting some ornate jewellery box Molly had pried it open and revealed the jackpot. But of course you couldn’t just sell recognisable jewellery as is and you couldn’t keep such a thing on you very long. So of course you went to work, prying the stones from their settings. A particular necklace was giving you trouble, not even your tools being able to pry it out, you even broke one so you left that one for last.

The two of you had argued, eventually setting on just smashing the stone with the pommel of Molly’s scimitar, the broken gem still providing plenty of pay and not being as recognisable in peaces. So you held the necklace across a stone while he smashed it. When it did a spark hit, next thing he knew you were on the ground, your hands burned where you held the precious metal. At first he thought you were simply knocked out but when you didn't wake up he grew worried. Splashing water in your face, shaking you, lifting your legs, nothing got you to wake up so instead he carried you and the jewellery back to the carnival. Two days and still you didn’t wake up. It became clear this bloody gem was cursed when dark veins started crawling up your skin as the days passed.

Since this was technically on him, Molly took care of you. He makes quite a doting nurse when he wants to be but never without an inappropriate comment or two. It was quite strange to not hear you laugh at or scold him for these comments. Nevertheless he’d fluff up the pillow beneath your head, provide you an extra blanket when the night was cold, tell you stories, or simply the events of the day, the people who came to the carnival, some things he lifted from people’s pockets and so on. Molly has to say he’s ashamed to admit he’d got frustrated with your unresponsiveness or rather the fact you still hadn’t woken up and there was nothing the others could do for you. A healer would still be a week or so out.

“You know, while I’ve really begun getting used to these little one-sided conversations and your lack of judgement at some of my more terrible decisions I really prefer sharing them with you in the moment. I’ve gotten caught by the guards twice now and without you, Gustav is getting a bit sick of bailing me out. I miss our little flirtations. I miss your sometimes wrong opinions, though you’d say they’re proven facts. I miss your company. I think our time apart has given me time to reflect how much you truly mean to me and how much I need you in my life.” Molly leans on his elbow as he studies your face unmoving. You look so peaceful and asleep but he’d much rather get lost in your eyes when you’re awake.

“I laughed at you when you told me the most valuable thing in the world anyone could ever give another is their heart but I think I know what that means now. I’ll offer you mine if you will have it. So please, come back and make sure my head doesn’t get up too high into the clouds or I might just float away.” Molly leans back looking at the ceiling of the tent with a sigh. He’s pulled out of his mind by a snicker.

“A dramatic confession of love to the unconscious target of your affections? And you call me cliche.” Molly looks at your face, eyes still closed but smug grin clear on your face. He pokes your side making you jump.

“You are insufferable.”