#I am going insane help me
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
I am so normal I am so normal I am so normal I am sO NORMAL I AM SO NORMAL I AM SO NORMAL I AM SO-
#geronimo stilton#thea sisters#shen thea sisters#craig thea sisters#I NEED CONTENT OF THEM PLEASE#I CANT KEEP LIVING OFF OF SCRAPS#I WILL GIVE UP MY KIDNEY /hj#They are the nerd x himbo ever..#I just know they’re both SO shmaltzy#I am going insane help me
103 notes
·
View notes
Text
I feel like there are a lot of people out there who needs to hear this:
If you dropped out of school because of diagnosed (or undiagnosed) ADHD, Autism, ADD, OCD, Dyslexia, Anxiety, Depression, Bipolar disorder, psychotic disorders, schizophrenia etc… You did not fail. The education system failed you.
#neurodiverse stuff#i cannot say this enough#neurodivergent#actually adhd#adhd problems#autism#just autistic things#actually autistic#actually bpd#actually mentally ill#actually disabled#depressing shit#this gave me more emotional damage than my dad#i am going to rant#i am going insane#dropping out#school problems#send help#you can do this#you cannot convince me otherwise#you can't change my mind#you can do it#i believe in you#i believe in their healing powers#i believe in myself#academic assignments#assignmentwriting#assignment help#in this essay i will
23K notes
·
View notes
Text
Every possibility, every time, it’s you.
#jayvik#arcane#arcane spoilers#arcane season 2#when I say I finished this ep at 4 AM and immediately started drawing this?#i literally couldn’t sleep until I was halfway done#help me all my ships became canon and I’m going insane#SPOILERS
577 notes
·
View notes
Text
my taste in men is like he’s massive and scary and mean to everyone but he smiled at me once so i would let him do anything to me
#actually help me i am going insane#as an all girls school student i cannot cope with boys#coquette#this is a girlblog#this is what makes us girls#lana del rey#tumblrina#hell is a teenage girl#dollette#girlblogger#lizzy grant#just girly things#girl interrupted syndome#dilfism#arthur morgan x reader#joel miller x reader#whisper girl#female hysteria#cinnamon girl#mojavedoll
856 notes
·
View notes
Photo
Vico Ortiz + Their Sword
(for @stedebonnets)
#OFMD#Our Flag Means Death#OFMD ECCC#ECCC#Vico Ortiz#Rhys Darby#Samba Schutte#ofmdedit#ofmdaily#Edit#It's been how many hours now?#And I am STILL going insane lmao?#I THINK IT'S BEEN LIKE EIGHT HOURS LMAO#GOD HELP ME WHEN SOMETHING OFFICIAL DROPS BECAUSE LIKE#I'M GOING BANANAS JUST FROM SEEING THESE THREE BE SO CUTE AND FUN AND LOVELY#also bless u ara for the idea because i absolutely 100000% needed to gif this moment too
9K notes
·
View notes
Text
I should find another hobby
Anyway, if Merlin was set in modern times, Arthur would have called Merlin his “gay awakening”.
#arthur’s mind in this moment (probably)#‘what the fuck is a stab with a magical sword anyway’#‘let me kiss merlin’#‘let’s smooch’#‘let’s go back to camelot and copulate’#‘why haven’t i done this before i mean WHATEVER I’M JUST DYING SO’#‘let’s make the best of my last few moments AM I RIGHT FELLAS’#‘come on merlin one small peck coME HERE’#and merlin’s thoughts (probably):#‘if you die without kissing me i will sentence you to death’#‘no hesitation’#‘put those pretty lips on minE COME ON ARTHIE’#merlin’s thought as he waits for arthur’s return (probably)#‘i’ll kill him again. what the fuck does thank you even mean’#‘bro be for real we’re just gay’#‘we were supposed to bed each other and you died in my arms instead’#‘pretty dramatic if you ask me’#if you didn’t notice i’m going insane#merthur#bbc merlin#merlin#arthur pendragon#merlin bbc#i’ll probably delete it later because i don’t feel that sure about it but i wanted a laugh#i made this out of desperation for the finale since i finished my rewatch#please send help
257 notes
·
View notes
Text
jayce and viktor.
on love and betrayal.
[ a history of my brief body — billy-ray belcourt | last days of judas iscariot — stephen adly guirgis | @/orpheuslament | last days of judas iscariot — stephen adly guirgis | the looking glass war — john le carré | matthew 26:50 ]
#web weaving#quotes#arcane#arcane spoilers#jayce talis#arcane jayce#viktor#viktor arcane#poetry#judas iscariot#jayvik#foaming at the mouth#i’m going insane#they’re in love your honor#betrayal#web weave#guys this is a cry for help#i am genuinely losing my mind#interact with me#LET ME KNOW IM NOT THE ONLY ONE CHEWING ON THE BARS OF MY WINDOW
219 notes
·
View notes
Text
I got more sigma wilson pics 🙏🙏🙏 AHHHH I LOVE HIM RAHHH
#house md#james wilson#wilson is my bookie bear#i am going insane#i love james wilson help me#hilson#like and subscribe
212 notes
·
View notes
Text
nick seeing this queer couple then having the courage to grab charlie’s hand reminds me so much of him seeing tara & darcy kiss in s1 then getting the sudden urge to kiss charlie senseless
#heartstopper#heartstopper netflix#heartstopper webcomic#nick nelson#charlie spring#nick and charlie#narlie#heartstopper s2#tara and darcy#SOMEONE HELP ME I AM AT THE BRINK OF GOING ABSOLUTELY INSANE
2K notes
·
View notes
Text
I'm either extremely stupid and never saw them (most likely) or there were new unused lines added to the game (???)
This one was might have already been there(?) and I just didn't see it since its the hologram with less filter. Unsure if this is new.
THIS ONE?
and then 2 lines for if you really did "turn back now".
act II taunt (this was deleted from the wiki for some reason)
what the.
These were all added to the wiki on Jan 4th 2024. Except for the unfiltered hologram one which isn't mentioned on the wiki at all.
these are the file names btw
#ultrakill#gabriel ultrakill#the fact that they were uploaded so recently makes me believe theyre new. but why?#the voicelines vids on youtube are my vids and now i know theyre missing stuff. HELP;#this is going to drive me insane#am i losing it. were those always there?????#how could i have missed them. theyre named the same way as all the other gab lines#its not like the sisyphus plushie line that i missed cause it was named differently#when i uploaded the lines for ppl to download i just threw them all in a folder. but these lines are missing#im. losing it.............. .#bit of a different post but i guess it belongs here
566 notes
·
View notes
Text
The clock keepers deserve to have the full shaded promo art for their volume 🙏🙏
Edit: I HAVE THEM ALL!!!
#toilet bound hanako kun#tbhk#jshk#aoi akane#mirai#I AM WAITING FOR KAKO PLZ#like yes the illustrations for Hanako/Tsukasa/Nene are okay but the effort went clearly for the clock keepers#I couldn't be happier aaaah#AidaIro finally answering the “Does Akane have red or brown hair?” question by putting both colors on one illustration#Tea colored hair my beloved#jibaku shounen hanako kun#jibaku shonen hanako kun#I am eating the blue and yellow illustrations so much omggg#and this green/blue is so close to my fav color (called duck blue in french) I am so happy#I CAN COLOR THE OWLS NOW TOO YEEES#Akane *takes a pose with his owl pet*#he is sending me help#him always having a neutral expression as a clock keeper kills me#I can't go insane I don't have time but the clock keepers are always in my mind#it's even more obvious how Akane and Mirai have the same front bangs here I am ascending
337 notes
·
View notes
Text
Ermm... I should be working on requests rn but the gays needed this
#art#art blog#fnaf#fnaf fanart#michael afton#michael afton fanart#jeremy fitzgerald#jeremy fitzgerals fanart#jeremike#god help me they are all i can think about#i am goikg menatllu insane because they live rent free in my head#theyre like little ants that wont go away#but i love them so much
865 notes
·
View notes
Text
Irl ghost/entity NSFW experience???
Ok I've had some crazy experiences recently and idk where to talk about it so I'm just gonna ramble about it here
About a year ago I woke up with something/someone rubbing my back. It was really comforting. I was asleep and then woke up but didn't open my eyes, and it took me a while before getting the nerve to turn around and see nothing. It stopped after that and I was kinda sad it did.
That happened again once or twice in isolated events a few months apart until I noted my furniture moves slightly?? It's very slight, like my swivel chair turning slightly where I question if it's really moving.
Sometimes lights will flicker or dim for a second when I enter rooms, sometimes randomly when I'm in a room.
Then this morning, I woke up and was doing that thing where I was awake and still had my eyes closed--and for some reason, I had the feeling someone was in front of me? He talked to me (I don't remember what I said) and I reached forward, like kinda in front of my head, and there was a dick. Like, I felt a dick. I opened my eyes and there was nothing, but I felt it. And it didn't alarm me, the presence actually made me feel safe ngl. I don't know what came over me but I started stroking it, feeling it, and teasing him--sometimes I would open my eyes just to see I was jerking off the air. He was about to come when I stopped, and dude, I asked him to fuck me. Did I say it out loud? Maybe, I don't know.
And I felt it. I felt him enter me, I felt him moving in and out of me. It felt really good. I was just ass up feeling a phantom dick. I kept asking him to rub my clit, and sometimes I would feel, like, this ripple of please on my lil dick, and I felt like I was gonna come and then it would stop. This happened for a while until I fell asleep again, and I woke up very horny.
Idk why I'm adding this last part, but all of this started before I began to develop sort of a monster kink. And now that I have it this happens.
Tumblr, am I going insane? I hope not cause, to be honest, I welcome this. I probably am though, or more likely I was dreaming. But the thing is I don't feel things in my dreams, I felt this. If he's real I challenge him to appear while I'm fully awake but goddamn I think I'm going insane.
#am I living the dream or am I schizophrenic#Chat is this real#am i going insane#nsft#someone tell me whats happening#help#trans nsft#monster boyfriend#monster boy#monster kink#ghost kink#monster fucker#edging kink#am i going crazy#delusional#delulu#ghost#ghost encounter#irl ghost#living with ghosts#(?)#(?) maybe#suggestive#personal experiences#personal experience
155 notes
·
View notes
Text
hi so our last post died, and things have gotten kinda worse with the arrival of our other cat, my elder brothers homelessness, and the racial abuse getting hurled my way
we’re two disabled black lesbians trying to navigate employment discrimination and the American healthcare system, and tbh we’re losing. we originally had to split everything between 6 people, but due to my brothers getting evicted, everything we have (and everything we don’t) also goes to them
like last time, I’m still waiting for a doctor but recently they told me to call back in November. I’ve been calling since April. I believe the stress of everything is causing a flare up of something and I have no idea how to manage it, on top of my new seemingly random food sensitivities that keep popping up. I’m exhausted all the time and sometimes can’t even get out of bed.
on a brighter note, my girlfriend applied to five jobs, but their phone was shut off this morning so it’s urgent that they pay their bill.
we were able to get some necessities early last month due to peoples help, but we can’t make it stretch with 8 people. it’s a shitty situation all around and I wish we didn’t have to ask but until my gf can get a job and I can find out exactly what’s wrong with me, this is literally all we have.
I’m not gonna link my PayPal anymore because people are harassing me with my deadname
my cashapp is $silvertheestallion and my gfs is $Peachjammn
my Venmo is cherryadventure2
thank you so much for reading
#this ask isn’t money related but if anyone has fibro or just burning chronic pain can I ask how did you know? I’m trying not to just say#oooh I have this but idk when I look at the symptoms it relates to me. I’ve found help in the fibromyalgia subreddit but I don’t know if it#is it not and I really don’t know if I can get to my doctor#I’ve been in pain for months. and nothing helps long term#and ik I should try and find a differnt doctor but I am trying#and it’s the same radio silence for months only to be told oh try again next month and I feel like going insane#I should prolly make this it’s own post
625 notes
·
View notes
Text
BENEDICT IS S4 LEAD.
THEY HAVE JUST CONFIRMED IT I AM SCREAMING I CAN'T I AM SHAKING I AM SOBBING I AM ROLLING ON THE GROUND AS IF I HAVE JUST FOUND OUT I AM PREGNANT WITH MY FIRST CHILD OR SOMETHING IT IS PATHETIC BUT I AM PANICKING AND CRYING.
IT LUKE THOMPSON'S TIME I CAN'T DO THIS BRO WTF EVERYONE GONNA SIMP OVER MY MAN NOW (I AM NOT A CRAZY FAN I SWEAR) I WOULDN'T I CAN'T BEAR THIS IT FEELS LIKE MY HEART IS ACTUALLY GOING TO FUCKING STOP BEATING BYEEE.
HELP ME PLEASE WHAT DO YOU MEAN BENEDICT IS GONNA GET MARRIED TO SOMEONE WHO IS NOT ME??? BYEEEE.
#imgondeletedis being silly#imgondeletedis bullshit#im going to kms#im going insane#I AM PANICKING#I AM SHAKING#I AM CRYING#I AM CRYING ACTUALLY#I AM INSANE#SOMEBODY SEND HELP#SEDATE ME#bridgerton#benedict bridgerton#benedict bridgerton x reader#benedict bridgerton angst#benedict x reader#bridgerton season 3#luke thompson#benedict bridgerton x you#anthony bridgerton#luke newton#eloise bridgerton#taylor swift#bridgerton season 4#polin#kanthony#benophie#my heart is pounding#help me please#bridgerton netflix
118 notes
·
View notes
Text
Reformation ref sheet for an AU Steven (named "Astra") who's been invading my brain since like,, April. It's VERY wide, apologies. There's a lot going on here because this man is incredibly old and has poofed way too many times for varying reasons. (See This post for how I headcanon that Steven can poof and still be considered a hybrid being.)
While I will not talk in huge length about certain aspects of his AU on this blog due to some of it involving strong NSFW themes, there is a ridiculous amount of other lore I've developed over time for Astra, and I love him to death. He is my sad, lonely mans who I metaphorically hurl against the wall like a sticky hand when I need to feel something.
This version of Steven will likely never have any kind of full ass fic or comic made about him. Despite that, I do enjoy sharing some art and fun character lore for him from time to time. So, I might as well finally give followers like... literally ANY context for him. I've had this ref sheet for a while and just have never gotten around to throwing it on here, LOL.
Ridiculously long dump about my guy under the cut.
Subnote, this was supposed to be a quick post but I can't help myself and wrote you a fucking BOOK under the cut because I love my guy so much UWU
(Content warning I guess for like, extremely vague mentions of Steven/Steven later on.)
-
The huge tl;dr of Astra is as follows: he's a version of Steven who exists for SO long that he basically transforms into something of an ancient, lonely god.
He's outlived every single person he once knew as a child, and so as a result is starved for affection. At the same time, being vulnerable is the absolute scariest thing for him and he's really shit at navigating relationships, F.
The guy is THE most powerful living creature in his entire universe by the end, and yet remains a soft-spoken, (generally) benevolent soul. He dedicates himself to acting as caretaker for the vast, populous world he exists within, and to maintain the continuing legacy of Gemkind. A big discovery that occurs in this AU is that Gems are in fact susceptible to entropy over the span of millions of years and will eventually fall "inert," (but not him because of weird hybrid biology stuff he honestly sees as more of a curse than a blessing) so a huge plotline early on in Astra's lifespan is trying to either find a "cure" for this issue or to develop a means by which new generations of Gems can be created without the reinstatement of Kindergartens so Gemkind doesn't overtly go extinct.
-
But, to start... this Steven diverges off a point in canon- this is the timeline where he actually takes up the Diamonds on their offer of the throne in the movie, believing he may have a better chance of heralding true societal change working from the INSIDE rather than stepping away. Because he pours himself so thoroughly into his role on Homeworld and his mind is continuously occupied by this purpose, he never experiences the events SU: Future, nor does he develop his "pink mode" (yet...) or corrupt at all.
However, he's also so engrossed in his work that he's... kind of a shit boyfriend to Connie as years go on. (In that he's not terribly attentive... always super busy... their visits are often cut short, or few and far between.) Their relationship never really goes anywhere as a result, though Connie wants it to. To be fair so does Steven, but he's so scared that everything he's worked so hard to organize and set up in this new era will fall apart if he steps aside from his role for even a moment that he can't allow himself to follow that want.
At some point here he learns he can poof through a complete freak accident, and that's where things really begin to change in this timeline.
It takes a good few months for him to reform, but once he does he's back at it with all his work on Homeworld pretty quick.
The thing is... he doesn't have an innate physical need to eat or drink or sleep anymore, because he now consists of entirely hard light. It mimics human biology to an insane degree, so he COULD do all those things, but he doesn't need them to persist. So... he kinda takes this as an excuse to cut those activities out of his schedule entirely so he can spend more time focused on his duties as a diamond.
Connie is NOT a fan of this, and this leads to some debate and tension within their relationship. That being said, they remain an item...
Up until out of nowhere, Connie dies in an accident on Earth while Steven is off planet in a place where he doesn't have any contact with them for a few days. By the time the Gems are able to get in touch with him, it's far too late to resurrect her.
The kicker? In the autopsy it's discovered that she was a few weeks pregnant when she died.
Steven is emotionally gutted by this... and the thought of what could have been... and poofs.
The guy is understandably destroyed when he comes back in his next form, and his form reflects that- his gem flips as a sort of metaphorical severing from his own humanity.
He spends a long while in a deep depression at the loss of his childhood sweetheart... at the loss of any potential for (as far as he sees) a "normal" human life. There's a part of him that resents the choices he's made to end up in this present, but like, there's still work to be done.
And as the years move on, a LOT of that work is mitigating the growing relations (for better or for worse) between Gems and humans as humanity stretches their legs and reaches out into the stars. Humans kinda get... really aggressive in their expansion though, and quite territorial, and it leads towards some inevitable conflict between them and Gemkind. This time, with them more at fault. Things get so spicy that some groups of humans and Gems go to war.
Steven tries to mitigate one of these situations at the front lines- and gets poofed by a disgruntled Gem, speared straight through the back because she (kinda wrongly) assumed he would take the humans' side due to his ancestral ties to them.
When he reforms this time, he is glowing a perpetual pink. The Gems don't really know what to make of this, but he seems to be in perfectly fine health otherwise, so they assume it's just a normal aspect of this new neutral form.
And while this isn't something Steven has context to figure out until like... billions of years later, what's actually happened is that he's entered a permanent pink mode, pretty much. Guy's just got that much bottled up, unaddressed trauma.
He spends a long time in this form, and over all these thousands of years oversees the slow return to peace between Gems and humans... their marriage as a space age federation... and their deeper exploration of the galaxy. Beyond their home solar systems exist a bounty of alien species they've yet to meet... some friendly, some less so. There's definitely some conflict that crops up amidst the local galactic neighborhood when Gems and humans show up on the playing field here, lol.
But all-in-all, Steven develops a fairly peaceful and predictable routine during this reformation- living more like a Gem than ever before. He's still got the Crystal Gems at his side through all of this, and they are some of his greatest confidants.
And then... without any warning... Gems begin to go inert. Amethyst is among them.
Some of them simply stop reforming after they poof... especially those who were older Gems, or who have been cracked before. Steven and the other Diamonds using their powers together are able to "fix" this at first and "jumpstart" their reformation, but it's just a bandaid of a fix- these Gems will fall inert again pretty soon. And the longer they persist without poofing from alternate causes, the more unstable their form, power, and memory becomes. (Think of this as Gem dementia at its late stages,,, oof.)
The bottom line? Just like organics, Gems aren't immune to the forces of entropy. Sooner or later, their gemstones will decay from the inside out. Stubborn to find a way to save the ones he loves as he watches them slowly deteriorate all around him, Steven dedicates himself to trying to find a cure. But deep down, a part of him recognizes the futility of this. What he believes Gemkind actually needs to do is to develop a means of rebooting Gem incubation that doesn't destroy planets, so they can rebuild their quickly dwindling population and keep their legacy alive.
The big problem with this is that Gems take a SHIT load of energy and resources to properly incubate, so that puzzle will take a long ass time to sort out. There's kinda a lot of chaos that happens during this time. The reality of their own blunt mortality freaks out a bunch of Gems, and Steven has to do damage control with the heads of state for a lot of other alien species.
In the interim, all the Crystal Gems and some of the Diamonds (White is still in the picture, though) end up falling inert. Pearl is the last of the CGs to do so.
Steven is understandably SUPER gutted about this, and poofs yet again. (Lol notice a theme? Poor mans keeps poofing from friggin' anguish. Help him.)
After reforming with barely any changes, it's right back to work for this guy. He and the rest of his team of researchers are unable to find any cure for Gems decaying and falling inert, but they do end up making huge leaps and bounds in other kinds of tech. One of these advances allows Steven to finally deep-scan his own gemstone down to the atomic level to check for decay- this was previously a process that was very invasive, and came at the risk of irreparably damaging a Gem, but not anymore.
He expects to find evidence of the same micro decay that's been slowly eating away at the rest of Gemkind within his OWN diamond, but the thing is...
He just... ISN'T decaying at all? Even though the sheer age of this gemstone itself should suggest otherwise? As it turns out though, his existence as a hybridized being makes him kind of... an anomaly. When he first reformed all those thousands of years ago, all the data within his gem- data that would otherwise be susceptible to decay- was translated into genetic material. DNA that's woven entirely out of hard-light... but, DNA that has also been constantly regenerating itself thanks to a combination of all the intricate biochemistry surrounding the human telomere and his healing powers.
In other words, he is incapable of falling inert from natural causes, like micro decay. He's functionally immortal. Unless someone shatters him (or... heaven forbid... he shatters himself) he simply can't die.
Which, all of a sudden, makes his race to save Gemkind from their quickly approaching extinction all the more personal. Because if he FAILS- then he'll be the very last of Gemkind. There will be no one else left in this world who is even remotely like him. (Humanity has mixed and mingled with the galactic locals so much by now that they're very much unrecognizable from what they once were.)
His spirit is very nearly broken by this discovery, and he is severely tempted to throw all his own principles out the window and just sanction the construction of new Kindergartens again, if only to keep the dwindling Gem populations up and birth new generations. Perhaps surprisingly, it's White Diamond- the last Gem left who Steven actually knew since the very beginning- who urges him to reconsider. To not give up on his own morality, to not revert all the miraculous changes he's worked for these long few million years.
The big shift in the tides is when he discovers the means to jump to alternate timelines, and thus the existence of the greater multiverse. This allows him to gather intel and ideas from a far greater spectrum of sources.
And eventually... it's with the aid of many alt versions of himself from other lines across the multiverse that leads to him finding a suitable, eco-friendly solution to his Gem incubation problem. (This is the aspect of this AU I cannot discuss in length for discretion's sake. Use your imagination. Or don't, I don't care.)
The following two sections, I'll be talking more about the broad thematics than anything else. At this point, know that there are now new batches of Gems being created all the time. Gemkind is no longer at risk of any extinction, but now- like any stable organic species- new Gems are made at the same rate that they fall inert.
So, the BIGGEST thing here with this reformation is that this is overtly where this guy picks up the name "Astra." Why a name change? Well, after White finally went inert, leaving him the last Diamond in existence within this line, it basically just felt... upsetting to him, to continue to go by a name that every person he ever loved used for him. Thus, the new name is overtly a means to distance himself from that past, and from that pain. (It's also a name he chooses while thinking back to a meaningful conversation he had with White, back before she went inert, oOF. I'll probably yell about that at some point in another post.)
So, too, is the lack of any tangible facial features. He HAS a face, but others just can't see it. He subconsciously obscures it from almost everyone's sight as a means of avoiding vulnerability. One might also have noticed by now that this guy's proportions have gotten like, really strange and sorta "stretched out" over time the larger he becomes... and this is intentional, as it's yet another way he's just becoming more inhuman in form, yet another way he's internally separating himself from those humble human origins of his.
But here's the thing, though.
Deep, deep down, to be human and to live a simple human life is basically all he's ever craved. It's everything he feels he's lost forever, with the death of his Connie. And instead, he's kinda stuck in a hellish sunk cost fallacy of his own making, acting as eternal caretaker for this world that- no matter what he does to try and make it a better place- will never quite be PERFECT. Thus, in his mind, even though he's literally fixed Gemkind's BIGGEST problem, he can't Stop. He can't Rest. He simply can't allow himself himself to lay down and Sink Away into the unknown.
And even if he could allow himself to do so, he is so, so scared of walking that path alone.
If he's going to die... he wants that end to be at a lover's side.
How, though, is someone who's basically a god supposed to find anyone in this multiverse with experiences they can remotely relate to?
Well... ultimately, Astra finds that it's far, far easier to build up a close relationship with varying versions of himself than anyone else. He's... kinda trash at it, though. This guy has so much bottled up Gunk in his head and is so starved for any form of affection that he has a habit of throwing WAY too much of himself into the relationships he engages in, and expecting that same level of commitment in return. There's one relationship with an alt Steven he's in for a while that ends up pretty unhealthily co-dependent before it fizzles out, and then another where he assumes the individual is committing to this partnership for the long run, but then no... actually Astra was always pouring more into this dynamic than he was receiving in return.
This second relationship, when it ends, is pretty devastating to him- since it was one that lasted for like, a LONG ass time. Unimaginably long. We're talking billions of years, here.
Uh-oh! And now he's even more distanced from other people. Folks can't even parse his actual chosen name at this point- except he isn't really consciously aware of this for a while?? It's yet another silent cry for help, yet another internal defense mechanism specially intended to keep others from truly getting to know him. Because every time he does... stars. No matter what he does, he keeps getting hurt. Almost everyone he knows and loves is torn from his life eventually... if not by death, then by some form of tragedy... and he's just so, so tired.
He wants literally ANYTHING to change in his life. He craves some new form of purpose. He craves the attention of someone who might love him as passionately as he loves them.
For a while, he almost believes he's found that- in yet another close relationship he forges with an alt version of himself- but while this other Steven does care for him immensely, it's only as a friend. Which kinda kills Astra, because he's like, lost in the sauce levels of In Love with this guy. There's a LOOOOOOT of story I have here with this, oh my god. If I am thinking about this AU I am usually thinking about this Old Man Yaoi. The great bulk of it is very NSFW themed though, so y'all getting the cliff notes.
The MOST important thing to know though, is that Astra both makes intense leaps and strides in once again allowing himself to be vulnerable with this man, and ALSO kinda intensely fucks their whole mutually agreed situationship up. It's messy. I am crying and wailing at these two old dumbasses. Jesus fucking christ.
But then, it's in the aftermath of this whole deal that an individual named Orion comes into the picture.
Orion quite literally falls into Astra's world by complete accident, but it's a very lucky accident- because she is a diamond hybrid version of Connie from another universe who- beyond a few differences- has a strikingly similar history to his. The big difference, though? She never found a means to create new Gems without Kindergartens, so she was the last of just a few thousand Gems who existed in her entire line. Part of a deeply endangered species.
This version of Connie arrives in some very deep mental turmoil, and so Astra does his best to give them a stable home and a place to heal. And while a past version of him might've been tempted to throw way too much of himself into the slow building rapport they have, he's blessedly Learned a thing or two from the past few major relationship experiences he's had... and chooses to like, ease up. Just offer himself as a friend first and foremost, should they care for one. Man learns restraint, lol.
And it's a damn GOOD thing that he does, because out of the genuine friendship they foster, Orion is the one who ultimately falls in love with him first. The relationship that's established here is one that's balanced, a true partnership where they simply make each other better people. It's through Orion's encouragement that Astra eventually reconnects and makes up with that last person he had an intense relationship with, even.
In time, Astra truly grows to thrive with Orion in his life. He becomes a far more open, vulnerable person, someone who feels safe to truly exist as who he is, to bare every complicated, battered facet of his past to those he trusts. While he may have taken the LONG road to get here, he too heals. And as a result...
One day, Astra simply stops glowing entirely. Shrinks down to more reasonable proportions. He stops hovering around on automatic, stops subconsciously scrubbing the memory of his face or name from people's minds. He stops denying his truest, deepest self- the reality that he was born an organic being, and raised as a human.
The burred reality that all he's ever truly wanted since the day his first lover died is to be a father.
To live a quiet, simple life with the people he loves.
For so long it was a mirage of a future he thought he'd never chase down, but for how much he made all the wrong choices the first time around, now he has a second chance.
And so in my brain, that's exactly what happens. Astra and Orion start a family together and continue to act as guardians over this universe for many years to come, until- after they are satisfied with the long life they've lived together, and their children have moved on to start forging their own paths- they eventually pass Beyond at their own will in each other's arms, ending their impossibly long godhood at peace.
I really don't know how to end this post lmafo, so I will simply say: if you somehow read all of this, holy shit you are so brave. Thank you for engaging with my insane ramblings. Have a nice day LOL FUIHSNUFSJG
This man haunts my brain so much I missed two off ramp turns on the highway the other day while thinking about him. Help me.
#su#su future#steven universe#su fanart#my art stuff#astra#nova rambles#i am going Insane please help#i will never write a full fic but i DO have like a ridiculous amount of outlined lore for him#yeah sure why NOT make a three am post. i am insane and this man is the object of my insanity. this is all you need to know.#i am so Tired help me
63 notes
·
View notes