#I am genuinely so much happier like this
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tranny freak :)
#Negativity#Transphobia#I don't know what to tell you buddy I'm not sure what your goal is here#I am genuinely so much happier like this#Figuring out that I'm a tranny freak has been the absolute best thing ever#All the loved ones who I've come out to have been so welcoming and supportive#I get to experiment with my appearance like I haven't done since my punk days in highschool#And I've always been a weirdo so freak isn't even hurtful that's been a point of pride for decades#What made you want to hurt a stranger buddy#What are you going through#Are you gonna read this and scoff cause I took a troll sincerely#Why are you so afraid of genuine connection#Why are you scared of people#Are you happy with your life right now#Do you like yourself#How much time do you spend doing this#Do you think the negativity might be getting to you#How much time do you spend feeling repulsed scornful and annoyed towards others that you gotta do something about it#I'm really sorry#I used to be a similar kinda angry and that shit taints everything#Idk man I just hope you can see the joy in things someday#There's so much cool and exciting stuff you can find when you start looking for happiness and good intentions#Kinda sad that you're missing out
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we're at it again🕺
#jrwi riptide#gillion tidestrider#my art#sketch#back on my bullshit woo yeah woo yeah woo yeah#genuinely a lot happier with this design than the previous ones. the lighter metal looks better on him#and this one doesn't have a lot of detail (or any detail tbh) so it looks more solid and fun i think#and you can see im trying to figure out how gill would carry his sword around#technically he should just carry it in his hands and don't have a scabbard because its a longsword and isn't supposed to be sheathed...#but like... its not practical to always carry it in his hands. especially in a day to day life. because he always has the sword on him-#but he doesn't necessarily always hold it? like. he needs hands for stuff#i think i like the back scabbard better (even if i drew the whole turnaround for the hip one) just because it doesn't mess with his tail#plus that way destiny's blade is higher up and gets to look around at stuff and i think its funny#but then like... the cape is a little awkward if it has to go above the sword...#but its not a big deal. if he has a cape and armor on he probably holds the sword in his hands anyway#am i putting too much thought into this unnecessary detail? yes#am i rambling in the tags again instead of making a separate post? also yes
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for requestober ! my heart's been aching for yanderapy for a while and i would like to get something about them :3 i don't have a specific prompt . i do like to see them more on the angsty-unhealthy-relationship side lol like some of the requests you made last year . overall , just seeing anything about them would be nice . X3
Day 1 - Sodium Chloride Couple
#My art#Requestober#Yanderapy#First req of the year is my boys!! I am blessed!! 💕 Thank you for thinking of them <3#Hopefully this will sate your desires enough - it's not exactly angsty but I did try to bring in a bit of their weirdness lol#Y'know that one post that's just accidentally recreating the Homestuck shipping quadrant?#I still know very little about Homestuck but does Kismesis do anything to make the two chill out or is it just aimed at each other lol#Personally I really like the concept of a sodium chloride couple! That two people match each other's freak just right and become harmless#Because that's these two so much!! They're perfect for each other on accident (on purpose) and make each other better!#Ishida would ask too much and Mitsu would give too much if they were with different people#But their tendencies balance each other out - make them realize they're going too far because of what they see in the other#That and they genuinely like each other <3 They want to improve the other both selfishly and altruistically#Selfishly because then they get the best version of the other all to themselves hehe <3#But altruistically because they wish for each other's happiness and gain confidence in their ability to grant it#They're good for each other's self esteem! Although Ishi was already pretty self-confident before they got together haha#He feels happier and more whole with Micchan tho <3 Like he wants to - and can be! - his best self for and with him#All the mushy-gushyness on them being silly together lol - clearly it's been too long since I've doodled them I'm rambly ♪#Had a lot of fun with the hands here :) Ishi holding Mitsu's face so delicately ♫#They probably could (and probably do lol) switch who's got what and be just as happy#They just enjoy being together and making each other all head-silly haha <3 Not hard for either to achieve ♪
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GYAAHHH people are reblogging ANCIENT art of mine
#mei talks#😭💀✌️ we don’t speak of Roosterteeth here any longer but#I genuinely do miss being in the RvB community! the people there were so so kind to me#I was something like 13 or 14 and still finding my legs art wise! I grew up in the community surrounded by people who#really poured their hearts and souls into their stuff and were sooo so kind to me#the art and writing communities were super tight and I actually am still in touch with many of them#including the man the myth the legend jason weight o7 you could have saved RvB if they kept you on for s18 king#like I still remember the day saltsanford sent me like. a 4 ask long text wall screaming about my lyric comic while I was in line at ax#nearly fainted#ahh my lyric comic….I still have it up on ur channel. before my dad passed away he would always show me when it hit a new milestone in view#old art is always kind of embarsssing and tbh I think my interpretations of the characters made me well known much more than my art skill#but after high school my life kind of. fell apart in a lot of ways. dad dying was def a part of that 💀 and I think I found orv exactly at#the time I needed it. but looking back at my old RvB stuff is kind of like#a little time capsule ig. I was happier then but I’ve grown up a lot too
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snorlax I think igs time to admit ur werewolfkin
Sighs loudly,,,,,,I’m never beating the werekin allegations am, I chat
#okay okay. gonna ramble about this down here actually#I DO think I’m genuinely a werewolf otherkin. like I have instincts that I can’t quite explain and certain habits that are way too#animalistic to be normal for humans. sometimes I get phantom limb with claws teeth and a tail. HOWEVER.#part of the reason I hesitate to confirm myself as an otherkin and alterhuman is because calling myself that doesn’t quite sit right with#me? I can’t entirely explain it. like-my experience with being inhuman compared to other people is way more subtle. overall I’m pret#*pretty comfortable in my human body even if I KNOW I would be so much happier as a werewolf.#shit maybe it’s because I’m a werewolf that I’m comfy with my human-ness LMAOOOO#I do say this but I can say with 100% certainty that calling myself human feels wrong. like when I think about myself as a human I’m like#‘no that’s not right. that doesn’t fit with me.’#idk. I think I am a werewolf otherkin but I suppose I hesitate to call myself one bc I fear I might not fit the label exactly#snorlasks#friend stuff#werekin#werewolf otherkin#otherkin#alterhuman#caninekin
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🎉 [ Art from 2022-2023 ] 🎉
Happy Birthday to my most favorite person in the world, the love of my life 🖤
I still can't believe this'll make our 10th year of being best friends and even more I can't believe we get to celebrate our 8th anniversary this summer 💖💕
Commission Info | Ko-Fi | My Links
#I was gonna type out more but I decided I didn't want to be too sappy and emotional on main#so much has happened in these past 10 years#I can't believe I made it this far I really did not think I was going to have a future#but I did and I do#I have the most wonderful partner who I connect with in a way I never thought was possible#I am capable of being loved I am capable of loving in return#I learned how to love myself and be unapologetically myself for myself#I lost a lot of people and some very much for the better#I've become so so much happier my god I never thought I'd ever know what this felt like#I'm still angry and numb and having to battle depression but I've grown I've finally become someone worth being proud of#I'm no longer letting that anger and grief and everything that comes with it take over#I can't believe I've actually become gentler and kinder#I can't believe I've actually made genuine friends with people who are nice and caring and supportive#and are actually happy to see me and not trying to take advantage of me at every opportunity I'm finally seen as a person#I can't believe I'm finally in a safe environment I don't have to be terrified anymore I'm not going to be hurt anymore#I can't believe how far I've come creatively bc of how much bf has supported my every passion wholeheartedly#he is the reason I have a drawing tablet he is the one who encourages me and cheers on everything I do#god I still don't know how I could ever in my life thank you enough for every goddamn wonderful thing you do for me#you have changed everything for the better none of this would have ever happened if it wasn't for you#it's always been you#I fucking love you#more than anything in this universe and the next#forever and always#my art#glad I listened to my first tag lmao
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#cw vent#maybe i stayed up too late but suddenly i feel like crying#like really badly#i tried very hard today#but im still so scared#of everything#im being watched. i am absolutely sure im being watched#i can feel somebodys presence over my shoulder now and they can probably read what im typing#its been like this for so long#and#as im typing this it has been the sixteenth of juky for about two hours#twenty two hours left until my birthday#i will be sixteen#that is scaring me so much#i haven't progressed since i was maybe eleven#i still can't take care of mysekf. i shouldn't ve admitting to this but i genuinely can't do basic actions#i constantly forget to keep my body in a safe state. my hair is so messy. i get tok focused on other stuff and most of the time i just#forget to shower#i am genuinely so disgusting and unhygienic. i know this and want to fix it#but also.. i just wish i was like just an internet person#if i didn't have to eat or maintain my body i think id be a much happier person#im scared#how can i possibly be turning 16. i haven't even learnt how to eat food yet#most meals i can't eat without gagging or feeling like vomiting#i don't know why im typing all this out#for a while i was okay with it being my birthday soon. because i thought i would finally get attention and love from others#but im starting to realise that probably will not be happening#:[#why am i typing this out. my head hurts#and im gonna die
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Come on, you know you want to, give us the character bingo for Viktor.
don't mind if i doooo
#ask me#okay there's a lot going on here but first things first#viktor has transcended the favorite character tier where I want to protect him or whatever#like yeah he did that shit! I support him but I also don't! the more trouble he gets himself into the happier I'll be!#do you feel me#like one of the things I love most about Viktor is that I feel so much sympathy for the circumstances he's in that are out of his control#but he has so much agency in his own story that everything he's gained and accomplished are because he makes choices#and GETS HIMSELF places#and now the same thing is happening with his BAD choices and I find that just as delightful if not moreso#he is the agent of his own salvation and his own destruction and I will be in the front row seat with popcorn for both or either#so writing him is mostly me studying him under the microscope poking him until he does something untoward it's very fun#I only hesitantly say that Viktor is like me but the Balkan ties and the grumpy-but-kind and obsessive personality#and the strong opinions about a chosen STEM field#are inescapable okay#mommy issues is not circled because I have mommy issues but bc I have convinced myself that Viktor WILL have them#if Nikola Tesla is anything to go by#the jayce-mel-viktor trifecta is ruled by mommy issues and i will stand by that claim#also viktor is more interesting with no therapy - with as little therapy as possible would be my preference#WITH THE EXCEPTION of the lonely genius shit that Singed planted in his head#that is absolutely the lie that Viktor believes that he MUST discard in order to progress as a character and I am excited for it#I genuinely think that Viktor will be happier and more eccentric as [REDACTED] but it won't last#he will hit a VERY LITERAL -if thy right hand offend thee cut it off- situation and then he'll have peace but he won't call it happiness#I can't say that I'd hate anyone who hurt him because that is half of why I'm excited for s2#but I will probably lose it at any scene where he loses to [REDACTED] for rivalry reasons#I genuinely do want to see Mel completely own his ass as [REDACTED] though like can you imagine the banter#and both of them secretly having fun with it
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We’ve officially hit the point where I can’t fucking sleep because of this shit and on top of everything the AC went out I literally want to cry I’m so stressed I physically feel like shit like I need to throw up I’m so tired but between my stomach hurting, the stress, and the heat I can’t
#today he told me it ‘wasn’t fair’ that I expected him and his bf to move#just because I refused to get rid of my ‘disgusting cats’ and they would be ‘happier’ in a shelter#his reasonings for why they would be happier in a shelter were all things that they did not do/did not happen until he started this shit#‘they’re always hiding and you never spend time with them’#they hide from YOU#early morning and late at night when you’re in your room they’re fine#im out here rn just sitting with them giving them attention#also yeah I used to give them attention for AT LEAST several hours of the day#but after I essentially got chased out of all the common areas no obviously that wasn’t happening#man FUCK YOU#also sorry I don’t want to spend literal THOUSANDS more than I would other wise to fucking move#esp when YOU moving means no changes in your finances#you make over 50k a year I make barely 20k AND already have more bills to pay than you#why the FUCK should I be getting stuck with the far worse financial decision#and then to try and frame it like you’re getting treated ‘unfairly’ just because I won’t get rid of my cats for you??????#I genuinely hope the stupid fucking car your mom gave you explodes tomorrow idc idc idccccc#ESPECIALLY WHEN HE BOTH THREATENED AND SAID HE DIDNT CARE TO MOVE OUT#and when I said ‘great. do that’ he starts throwing this fucking fit#I hate him so much it is so goddamn UNREAL#I am dealing with a giant man baby who has never been told no in his life before now#and it’s really fucking showing#this is what happens when parents give their kids everything they want#and you have normie cis white man privilege and have also gotten every job/into every program you’ve ever wanted with minimal effort#so when someone finally says ‘no you don’t get whatever you want at my expense’#he has the most immature meltdowns fucking imaginable#kaz rambles
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...
#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol#except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade#plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me#god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set#looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u#the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno?#it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control#executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont#wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral#sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive#lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not#forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho#my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly#need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im#dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter#what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by#my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything#interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to#fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i#described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that#idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean#ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said#she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the#parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the#disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage#but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain#just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked#unrelated
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Tbh my life would be pretty perfect right now if my current part time janitoring job paid. Like. A livable wage. Genuinely love doing it, the hours are perfect, I like my coworkers (and don’t have to interact with them much which might contribute to that lol), it leaves me so much time and energy afterward to enjoy my day and live my life—
Except I’m still scraping the bottom of my savings to pay the Existing Fees. Not quite as fast, which is nice, definitely, but like. What if I wasn’t in the red and had this job I think is important and enjoy but also doesn’t consume 110% of my whole life. What then, huh? I might have a good time? I might actually have a chance of kicking my constant SI at some point? Can’t have that can we? Misery is the currency that runs the world isn’t it? Can’t have people having a good time. We might be better off as a society then and that’s not allowed obviously
#still a bit jet lagged so it’s 2 pm and I’m delirious but like#come on#come the fuck ON I could actually be HAPPY it’s like RIGHT there I can fucking see it#it’s just an entire decimal point away#and that might as well be the other side of the universe#ramblings#tbh this is the most optimistic and well-adjusted I’ve managed to be about my life in. well pretty much ever#I am happier than I was and you have no idea how amazing it is to wake up at 5 am and be like ‘alright! let’s get ready and go to work :)’#and have that be genuine!! not a forced smile hanging onto my last thinning thread! I’m#I walk to work and every day I think ‘it’s a beautiful morning’#and I come home and think ‘I’m tired but satisfied. let’s take a break and get some chores done’#and I’ve NEVER been that. idk. FUNCTIONAL in my life before#but this is unsustainable#bc I need to get a different job that pays enough at some point#or replace the time I have to maintain my home with another job#which I know would overtax me and make me miserable unless it was a /perfect/ fit as work for me#it’s not fair#it’s so STUPID#it’s just. INEFFICIENT#and I’m still fairly privileged and lucky#like. fuck. everything is just so fucked
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The first chapter of this fic is done except for the ending but I have agonised enough today.
#I love my weird little work area at my new job and in the downtime at work I get so much fic-writing done#But at home I'm just Grog Brain#I don't get paid much at my new job but I AM way happier and I genuinely enjoy it AND I love that downtime is downtime.#No need to stress about downtime meaning 'oh no I won't reach my billable quotas!' Because fuck being a lawyer.#So instead when we aren't insanely busy I tinker away at my fics next to my lovely window.#Yet another one-shot turned into a multi-chapter. Lord give me the ability to complete them.#text#chey.txt#Hope everyone's prepared for [checks list] like five chapters of radioapple dancing various dances#Written by someone who used to be a dancer but who was also bad at it
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I've spent too much time on the verge of suicide to be here today
#suicide tw#that's genuinely embarrassing#why haven't I done it yet. what am I staying here for#the truth is that I am a hopeful person deep inside and I want a decent future#I don't want to die in misery without ever knowing anything different#but the realistic part of me knows that I will never live a peaceful life#my hope is built on the fact that much of my misery stems from my environment and therefore I think that leaving will make me happy#and there is so much truth to that. I would be happier in different circumstances#but that doesn't change the lifetime of abuse and social isolation that has fundamentally damaged me as a person#I will carry the past with me wherever I go and it's impossible for me to escape#I will never be someone that was equipped to function in society and that is no fault of mine but I alone carry the burden#which really upsets me. why is my life ruined over someone else's choices? it's so easy to destroy someone#and so I know I will never truly change#I've had an ed for over 5 years I've been casually suicidal for like 10 years. also this happened during important formative years#I'm never gonna be mentally healthy. why do I keep holding on to the future#I wanna do something drastic#I wanna cut people out of my life. like past friends that are somewhat current#I'm easy to take advantage of bc I'm so lonely and desperate for a friend#and I wanna stop talking to the people that don't value me bc I know they don't care and it makes me sad all the time#but the problem is that I am desperate for a friend. and I don't wanna lose anyone even if they are shitty#unfortunately I still love them even if they don't care about me#that's so pathetic tbh but I can't help it. I love everyone#Sera
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My reaction to this kinda says something about me. Maybe I should try to socialize in real life more.
#i should#i definitely should#everything is just harder when youre wildly immature compared to the average person#and tends to be easier online#this sounds like i dont have friends#I HAVE FRIENDS#i just do not talk to them nearly enough#god.#i dont want to leave tunblr tho. not at all#i like the people ive met on here so much#like.#i dont wanna be sappy but#do yall know how genuinely happier ive been because a few people have been nice to me on here lately??#i do not want to overshare but like. i am not always the happiest person. i have plenty of issues#and idk.. a lot of yall made some shitty days seem pretty good#so its not like.#i dont think its actually sad at all that i care about this so much#i think its a normal reaction#because if i really cant ever fully come back#i will probably feel worse again#i dlnt want to speak that into existence. like i said i have friends irl but#yknow. im not going to feel better when i dont have the thing made me so happy sometimes#sorry. i just. needed to ramble.#anyways the fact i did not break my gay ass sobriety streak because of this is INSANE because i felt terrible#still dont feel great obvi#but im not crying!!
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happy new years to the person who stalked and bullied me with their 1,000 plus twitter followers while I had like 30 lol
Stillll was the best thing that ever happened to meeee NOT JOKING
THANKS FOR HELPING ME BECOME MY TRUE SELF ALMOST THREE YEARS BABY OF BEING TRUE ME
AND HAPPY NEW YEARS FOR EVERYONE ELSE LOOK AT THE PRECIOUS BABEY PRINCESS 🥺🥺🥺🥺 I AHHHHHHHH
#personal#AND THIS WAS MY OG ACCOUNTS#Where I had more followers in the span of a few months vs now where it’s been years#it really proves the numbers aren’t everything#I’m so much happier here as I am now#And it’s so funny it’s thanks to some hater lol who’s account that I know of doesn’t exist anymore#though for all I know they’re dedicated to their cause and was one of the guest anon haters on ao3 till I turned them off#At this point I've spent more time as Qutie than Q by a long shot#I'll always be grateful for her getting me started but I love who I am now#I wouldn't be confident happy me without that asshole it's so funny how they tried to get rid of me but oopsie poopsie#They just made me stronger#It genuinely brings me so much joy to do what I love so much#CUTE KI IN DRESSES GONKI#AHHHHHH#And not have that anxiety loooming over me of wanting to fit in but not fitting in cuz I don't like kg I don't like main fandom#and praying my tag blocker saves me and I will keep silent on some things I like and believe in and#yeah I should apologize in my authors tag for writing too much of my niche of G carrying Ki and yeah#I'm so scared of antis and oh no ect ect I look back at her like whooo#Like whooo are uuu all that anxiety? Now my only anxiety is hate comments and that’s cuz of RSD BUT I WILL NEVER STOP WHAT I LOVE#I'll always be grateful for her but it's funny how in three years I went from no confidence me to someone who I AM MY NUMBER ONE FAN#DAMM I LOVE MYSELF not that that happened overnight but! Was a slow crawl but at the least! FULLY Since 2022 esp end of year! I LOVE ME DAM#And this no confidence thing it goes much further back then my blog too so anon changed my life#It's funny how just one person made me course correct and now I'm the person I am today and I love me I don't know how much time I have lef#But I'll spend it doing the things I love I still get depressed and sad from time to time and think everyone hates me but it's like RSD and#Depression it can't always be perfect but I'm so happy and confident most the time I just love what I do#Anon hate is never right I hate shit with my whole being and I've never once thought hmm let me send hate it doesn't make sense to me#And I still get harrasssed by these antis and some bad apple kg people and they don't offer me shit but a headache so I don’t want moreeee#But it's kinda funny how grateful I am towards this hater literally changed my life thank u if your out there man my lady non binary pal#So yeah I unironically sit back and thank them sometimes#IM SO HAPPY I GET TO DO WHAT I LOVE AND LOVE MY KI AND MY GONKI AND AHHHHHHHH
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okay but the line "you look so happy when im not with you" personally stabs me in the heart because i think everyone would much rather be around anyone else and im just a burden they feel like they have to talk to
#especially my fp#idk if he's more fr w me than w other ppl but with other people he just looks so much fucking happier#i feel like im cutting off everyones wings by being in their lives#NO ONE is genuinely better off for having known me#i drag people down with me#im not the kind of person you want to be around when you feel better and thats been proven time and time again#we're besties when ur low but im unimportant when u feel better#bc ill understand and nurse people but i am a lost cause and no one wants to be around someone who wont change when theyre growing#i get it but im lonely#the tags on this post were supposed to be A LOT shorter
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