#but after high school my life kind of. fell apart in a lot of ways. dad dying was def a part of that 💀 and I think I found orv exactly at

[jomeimei421]

GYAAHHH people are reblogging ANCIENT art of mine

[greenwitchfromthewoods]

baby steps. l Joel Miller

Summary: you were his very quiet companion on patrols

Warnings:  angst, a little bit of swearing, mentioning pregnancy, mentioning loss of a child, mentioning abortion, mentioning suicidal thoughts, generally - a lot of unpleasant things, Reader is 30s or sth, I guess

A/N: I've had this idea in my head for a long time. There are some not so nice things (read the Warnings!) but I hope the whole story won't be so awful. your feedback is very important to me and I thank you for all the reblogs, comments and likes. 🖤 sorry for all the mistakes

and i would like to thank you for the few kind words i have received recently. it scared me but was very nice. thank you!

The first time he met you was at Tipsy Bison when Tommy told him you would be his new partner on patrols. Footsteps were barely audible, and then a chair on the other side of the table moved and you sat down. 

Your eyes stopped on Joel's face for a moment, you nodded in greeting. The name quietly fell from your lips, and then you focused on the map that Tommy had spread out on the table.

Joel wasn't sure if you understood what his brother was saying to you. You were silent, sometimes nodding your head, nothing more.

"Is she even good for this?" Joel finally muttered as you said goodbye and left.

"What do you mean?" Tommy folded the map and put it in his jacket pocket.

Joel raised his eyebrows "She seems a little... I don't know. Distant?"

A quiet laugh escaped Tommy's lips "Really? And who's talking?" he took a few sips of coffee "Joel, you wouldn't patrol together if I wasn't sure she was good. She may not be the life of the party, but she's great at what she does."

Joel had the impression that he had seen you a few times in Jackson, but you were one of those people who kept their distance from others. So he looked like that to others too?

It was only the first patrol with you that made him change his mind about you, but he wasn't sure yet if this change was for the better. 

You were definitely not one of those people who needed to talk. Small talk wasn't for you, but you listened very carefully. 

The area around Jackson was no stranger to you, just like handling a gun. So Joel got used to you, and over time he even managed to get some information out of you.

You had been in Jackson for almost five years, you lived alone in a small apartment. You were alone. "That's the best way." No family or close friends, except for Maria. You were patrolling and searching for supplies. He was also sure he saw you in the library, but he never asked about it.

After a few months, Joel could clearly tell that you were the right person for the job. He even managed to make you laugh a few times or talk a little longer. You never asked him about the past, and when he asked you about it, you answered "We're at an age where everyone has some background, right? But not everything is suitable for talking about it."

"Your girlfriend seems nice." Ellie stated one day, and seeing his confused face added "I talked to her today. She said that this crap didn't let her finish high school, so now she's catching up on school readings. If I were her, I wouldn't bother. School sucks."

The warm coffee warmed his tired body, but after a moment he spoke up "You talked to her? When? And... She's not my girlfriend."

Ellie shrugged "We talk a lot. And you don't? You spend a lot of time together, I thought that..."

"You were wrong." Joel mumbled "Did she say anything else?"

The girl looked at him carefully. "You really don't know her very well, do you?"

He wasn't sure if he knew you at all. Did he have the right to demand that from you? You did your job thoroughly, he could rely on you, and despite everything you were still standing somewhere in the shadows, hiding from everyone.

"Is everything okay with you?"

Your voice tore him out of his reverie for a moment. You were walking through a quiet area, the fading grass crunching under your feet, and the cold wind slowly became more and more severe.

"Yeah, everything's okay." he replied, glancing at you over his shoulder "I was lost in thought."

"I saw. Good thoughts?"

Joel cleared his throat and stopped, and a moment later you stood in front of him, looking at him uncertainly. 

You really liked him. Miller might seem like a grump, but his personality didn't bother you at all. Women in Jackson also said he was handsome. You had a lot of time to watch him outside the city, you had to admit they were right too. But that wasn't what mattered, was it? You felt safe with him and you trusted him, that was important.

"Doesn't Ellie tire you out?" he asked finally.

"What?" you burst out laughing "Come on. I like her. She asks a lot of questions, but she's a cool girl. I remember when I was her age..."

You stopped as if the thought slowed down your thinking the moment it appeared in your head. Joel saw your eyes wandering around the area with an unseeing gaze.

"Were you her age when this started?" he asked, but you shook your head slightly "Older?"

"Not much." Your voice was quiet but calm "I was a senior in high school. It seems so stupid now... I had a crush on this one guy, fuck, I don't know why I thought of him now."

"It was important back then." Joel mumbled, absorbing your every word. "And your family?"

"They died. A long time ago." The answer was quick, but emotionless. "Why do you ask?"

Joel shrugged. "I don't know. Just like that. Maybe I'd like to get to know you better."

You nodded, analyzing his words for a moment. "You're weird sometimes, Miller." You finally stated. "Conversations like this don't lead anywhere. They only reopen old wounds."

You adjusted your rifle strap and moved forward.

Fall had come for good, and you were slowly starting to withdraw even more. He could see it. Patrols were almost completely silent, he rarely saw you among people or at evening community meetings. 

Even Ellie convinced him that something was going on, because when he asked her she said that she hadn't talked to you in a while.

"It's that time of year." Maria said when he asked her about you too, he was helping her fix the heating in her house. "You should get used to it, Joel. But... I didn't know you were so interested in her."

"It's not like that." he mumbled, but he felt a strange warmth creep up the back of his neck. "She's my partner on patrol. I want to know that she's okay."

"I get it." Maria nodded and sat down on the couch. "Have you talked to her?"

"I've tried, but you know perfectly well that it's not easy. You're her friend." the woman smiled gently. "Is there something she's not telling me?"

"A lot of things, Joel. Just like you, she's not very open to confiding. And this time of year..." she looked out the window where the wind was playing with the fallen leaves. "You should talk to her yourself, if you care about her. But you can also forget about it, be like everyone else, pass her on the street and just let her be. It shouldn't be that hard for you, right?"

And that was something he couldn't get out of his head.

When he saw that guy instead of you the next morning, a strange shiver ran down his spine. "She's sick." Mark said, pushing leather gloves onto his hands. "I'll replace her."

Joel nodded and they set off on patrol. However, his thoughts kept returning to you, he analyzed your last meeting, the last words you exchanged. You were even more subdued. He had the impression that he was forcing the next words out of you, and you just wanted to leave, to disappear.

"She's weird, but pretty." Mark replied when they took a break for hot coffee and a sandwich. "A few guys hit on her, but nothing came of it. Actually, I was hoping that you and her, you know..." he winked at Joel. "But maybe she's that type of person."

"What type?" Joel asked, chewing a bite of his sandwich.

"In times like these, people need each other. They want to at least pretend that things are normal." Mark explained, reaching for the thermos of coffee "And others simply adapt to it. They don't want to have anyone close to them, because it's risky, you know. I guess she's like that. A lone wolf."

But Joel wasn't entirely sure, because he knew you from a slightly different side, or at least that's what he thought. When he showed up at your door that evening, only silence greeted him. And it was the same for the next few days.

"Yeah, she's still in Jackson." Maria was sure of her words "I visited her yesterday, but I don't think..."

That was enough for him. That strange fear was creeping into Joel's heart again. He didn't know why. He was afraid, and all his thoughts kept running to you. It was as if a strange force was pulling him towards you.

"Hey! It's me. Open up." he knocked on your door, but it didn't help "I know you're there. I want to talk. You can't keep hiding."

No answer.

"I can easily break down this door." he declared "I'll make a mess and you'll just be embarrassed. I can do this, you know that. So... On three?" he cleared his throat as if he was preparing to actually do it "One!" Nothing. "Two!" he thought he heard quiet footsteps on the other side. He was about to open his mouth when the door opened slightly and he saw your face.

"You'll hurt your shoulder. It'll be my fault and you'll be excluded from patrols for a long time." you said "That's pointless. Go away."

"I'm not going until you talk to me." Joel replied, his dark eyes full of stubbornness that you knew so well "You can't keep hiding."

"Maybe I'm sick?"

"You don't seem to be."

And then with one strong push he opened the door and before you could stop him he went inside. His gaze swept the apartment, he heard your protests but didn't care. 

Like a storm he passed through the small living room, peeked into the kitchen and when he entered the bedroom he found what he was looking for.

"Fuck! Get out of here!" you hissed, rushing after him, but then you noticed the bottle of whiskey he had taken from your nightstand.

"And these are bedtime snacks?" he growled, throwing a box full of medicines to the floor. "You robbed a fucking pharmacy?"

"None of your business!" you replied, he saw the fury in your eyes. "You're the last person who should be judging me."

"Or maybe I can, because I'm the only one who's ever shown up at your fucking door? What did you want to do, huh?" he put the bottle down with a bang and walked up to you, but you didn't take a single step back. "We were supposed to find you only when the stairwell started to stink? Did you think about Maria? About Ellie? That girl really likes you. Did you think about..."

About me.

Your gaze, although full of tears, was unwavering. You stood there, arms folded across your chest, your throat constricted so tightly that you couldn't swallow.

"Joel..." his name sounded like a prayer in your mouth. "I don't know what you were thinking, but this doesn't concern you. You shouldn't even be here. I tried to keep you out of this."

"Why?" his voice was a little calmer "Why are you like this? I can't figure it out. At first I thought we just didn't know each other well, but after so many months. I heard how freely you talked to Maria, Tommy said that you used to babysit their kid. I don't understand it!"

You closed your eyes as if his words brought you pain, as if they evoked all the emotions in you that you wanted to hide. Tears ran down your cheeks, and a quiet sob escaped your throat.

"I don't know how to deal with this, Joel..." you whispered after a moment, looking at him with eyes full of pain "It all hurts me so much. Every day. Patrols with you were an escape for me, you didn't ask stupid questions, I could feel safe there. But it's all always for a moment."

Joel approached you, his warm hand caressed your arm "You can tell me everything, you know that." you nodded "Come on, sit down."

He closed the bedroom door behind you as if he was leaving something unpleasant and bad there, and then sat down next to you on the couch. When you calmed down a bit, you looked at him like never before, almost with tenderness.

"When I came to Jackson, five years ago, I wasn't alone." you started slowly.

"Were you with someone? With some group?" Joel frowned, trying to remember that detail that must have escaped his attention.

You shook your head. "No, Joel. I wasn't alone, because I was pregnant."

Something twisted his guts. He didn't expect this.

"It was the middle of the seventh month, I guess. It's hard to get regular doctor's visits these days." The little joke was probably meant to lighten the mood, but even you didn't smile. "I've had a long journey. I was alone. Almost." you took a deep breath, and Joel felt his hands go cold and trembling in an instant. "It's funny, you know. Long time ago, women my age already had two kids. And I was completely unplanned pregnant and I hated every single day. I didn't want this baby, but it was there. It was growing. It was alive. I could feel it."

"What about the father?" Joel asked quietly.

A strange grimace crossed your face at the mere memory. "He wasn't father material, if that's what you mean. Some random guy. You know, as women we have another bargaining chip. Something that really tempts some men. Something we can use to survive."

He knew perfectly well what you meant. He had seen many women like that, but he didn't judge them. Everyone did what they had to to survive.

"He was nice, if that's any consolation. We stuck together for a while, and then we went our separate ways. After a while, I found out I was pregnant. But I didn't have anyone or anything at hand to help me solve this... problem." you rubbed your forehead with your hand as if you wanted to get rid of bad memories "Some guy told me about someone who could get rid of it manually, but I was afraid of infection. Then it was too late. Days and weeks passed, and I hated myself and this baby. The nausea was killing me. I was no longer good at smuggling. I also had no idea what I would do with a crying newborn... I got to Jackson, I thought maybe someone here would help me. Maria was so wonderful." a faint smile appeared on your lips, but you weren't even looking at Joel anymore. Your gaze was fixed on your clasped hands "I started bleeding a few days after I arrived. Then everything happened so quickly... The doctor at the clinic couldn't do anything. I had to give birth, but... There was so much blood... And silence. There was no baby crying."

Joel felt as if a heavy stone was resting in his stomach. He couldn't tear his eyes away from your face, but he couldn't say any words that could comfort you. And what the hell would they sound like. But you didn't wait for that, the words slowly flowed from your lips. 

"The doctor said that my body was too weak, that long fatigue, improper diet, that he was too weak... I had a son. He was so small when Maria put him in my arms... And he was so perfect. I was so afraid that his crying would bring trouble to us, that he decided to be quiet."

"I'm sure it wasn't your fault..." Joel finally choked out "Things like that..."

"Happens. I know that." You interrupted him calmly "But it was my fault, Joel. When I saw him... I would have given my life so he could cry, so I could know he was healthy and strong. How could I have ever thought otherwise? What kind of person am I?"

Your voice broke. You looked exhausted and tired of life. Joel understood your guilt perfectly, he knew what you felt. Sarah appeared in his head in an instant.

"I had a daughter." His voice broke the long silence between you. "I lost her right at the beginning."

"I'm sorry." Your voice was quiet, but full of something that gave him some relief.

"After everything I wanted..." he cleared his throat "I wanted to do the same thing you wanted. I even tried, but... I know how you feel, it's so devastating, and it will never get easier."

"I still have him in my mind, you know. He'd be five now. He'd ask a thousand questions, and I'd have to make sure he doesn't get into trouble. Sometimes I think about what it would be like, but then I hate myself even more... I didn't want him. I wanted to get rid of him. Maybe it's because of this..."

"Don't say that." Joel grabbed your hands and squeezed them tightly. "You might have thought so. You were alone, and this world had gone mad. You got into Jackson, you could be safe here, but... These things happen."

You watched him carefully. Never before had you and Joel spoken so intimately, but you didn't feel embarrassed by it. On the contrary, it was the first time someone had really meant it when they said "I understand you."

"I'm sure she was beautiful." you said quietly.

"She was. And very smart. Much smarter than me." Joel added. "She probably would have gone to college or something."

For a moment, silence reigned again. You had the impression that you were both lost in your thoughts about the losses that affected you. You weren't beating each other, you just allowed yourselves to feel it all again.

"Did you really want to kill yourself?" his question brought you back to reality for a moment.

You nodded. "Look at me, Joel. I have nothing, no one. I don't know if I could ever get close to someone again. And all these thoughts only make me feel worse. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to feel anything anymore."

He understood it perfectly. After Sarah died, he felt that this world wasn't for him. Every day was torture, and the longer it lasted, the more he closed himself in his shell. Years passed, and Joel barricaded himself so much that no one and nothing could get him out. 

And then Ellie appeared.

"You know..." he began uncertainly trying to find the right words. "I know what I'm going to say will seem pointless to you, but sometimes it's worth gritting your teeth and trying to live on. Not jumping into the deep end right away, but slowly, day by day. I know that your son..."

The name you gave him when you saw his face for the first time came out of your mouth. Joel repeated it gently.

"Your son would have a really fantastic mother." he said "I'm sorry you had to go through this. I really am."

Tears flowed down your cheeks and Joel struggled to put his arm around you so that you could snuggle up to him. You clung to him, and for the first time he felt the warmth of your body, your scent, your tender touch when you hugged him.

You sat like that for a long time. For the first time you talked about everything and nothing, he heard your quiet laughter a few times and noticed how much he liked it. It was all like honey to his heart. The feeling of loneliness he had disappeared when you were next to him.

He saw you the next day on patrol. It was the first sunny morning in a long time.

"Hi." Your quiet voice was the best thing he'd heard in a long time.

"Baby steps, right?" He nudged your shoulder lightly.

You smiled and followed him.

☆☆☆

Thank you for your time.

[silverynight]

Welcome home

Chapter 1 (of 5)

It's been a year since Izuku reconnected with his childhood friend, now pro hero, Bakugo Katsuki.

He has changed a lot... in a good way. When he found out Izuku got a job at the same agency he works for, he went straight to the analytics department to see him and talk to him.

Izuku had to ask for a break and meet Katsuki outside; he was nervous then, but he realized quickly he didn't have to. All the pro hero wanted was to apologize for his past behavior.

They started over after that and now they're really good friends and Izuku is very happy because of it.

There's a lot of things in his life that have improved since he got that job, actually.

He gets to meet a lot of pro heroes, yes, most of them are kind enough to go to his department and see him in person rather than only communicate with him via text or earpiece.

Aizawa promoted him after a couple of months and now Izuku handles most to the mission and investigations; he chooses quickly which pro hero (based on their quirk, availability and experience) is the best to deal with the situation at hand.

He really likes his job because even though he doesn't do the hero work directly, he gets to help the pro heroes in a way.

He also hangs out with Katsuki a lot; he met his friends the first week after the apology and went to his apartment for the first time fifteen days after that.

Ashido says that it's weird for "Blasty" (as she calls Katsuki) to spend so much time with him right after meeting him again, although she has this smirk on her face whenever she says it that makes Izuku flustered for some reason.

However, Izuku thinks it's perfectly normal; whenever they're together, it feels right, like they never stopped seeing each other and have been good friends for years, ever since they were kids.

"It's still weird," Kaminari says when Katsuki goes to the cafeteria counter to get Izuku a coffee and a bagel. "It took us a year to get invited to his apartment."

The way his friends (because Izuku considers them his friends now) look at him make him feel flustered, but he doesn't do anything to hide the blush on his cheeks like he used to do in high-school whenever he was embarrassed.

Now he just hopes it goes away quickly.

"Well, that was years ago," Izuku says, trying to dismiss it. Katsuki told him he bought his fancy apartment two years after he started working as a professional hero. "Kacchan has changed."

Izuku got really shocked when he found out he owned that apartment, but he knows the pro heroes get very well paid, especially when they get brand deals. It also helps that Katsuki is the number one hero currently, although pro hero Shoto is right behind him.

"He doesn't trust most people," Kirishima points out, like he's trying to tell him something. Then his expression turns into an amused one as he sees Katsuki approaching them again. "And he's certainly not the type to bring anyone food."

"Kacchan's just being nice!" Izuku says as the three pro heroes look back at him like he's crazy. Yes, Katsuki is not that nice on a regular basis, but that doesn't mean he hasn't improved. "I told him my ankle hurts a bit because I rescued a cat and fell right after I managed to get him down from a tree."

Fortunately, the mention of the cat makes them focus on that instead, and suddenly Izuku finds himself showing them pictures of it.

Katsuki sits right next to him, and Izuku sighs in delight after taking the first bite of his bagel.

"How much?" He asks after a while.

"I don't know," Katsuki makes a dismissive gesture with his hand. "I paid for your stuff and mine together."

"But surely they gave you a receipt–"

"No. Just drink your damn coffee, nerd!"

"Thank you, Kacchan," Izuku says, trying not to roll his eyes; sometimes Katsuki does stuff like that, he seems determined to pay for every little thing Izuku wants when they go out together.

"Also, I'm going to drive you to your apartment..."

"There's no need–"

"You're hurt," Katsuki argues and the green haired man knows that expression really well; there's nothing that can change his mind now, no matter what Izuku says, the pro hero will take him home no matter what.

Izuku realizes right then that it's the first time Katsuki sees the place where he lives; they always go to Dynamight's apartment or to a coffee shop, a restaurant or somewhere else when they hang out.

"Please, tell me you're joking," Katsuki hisses as he parks his expensive car right outside Izuku's building, the one that looks like it's been sitting there for hundreds of years and is about to collapse under its own weight.

Or maybe that's not why the pro hero is frowning that much; his red eyes are scanning the area like the worst kind of villain is about to pop up from the dark alley next to Izuku's building.

"It's not that bad," he assures his friend. They have tried to rob him only once, maybe twice... but he survived!

Well, maybe he shouldn't say that out loud.

"Shit!" Katsuki hisses. "I thought they paid you well! What the hell?"

"They do!" Izuku assures him. "But, uhh... you see... I'm kinda tired of paying rent so I've been saving some money to buy my own place somewhere else. However, if I want it to happen soon, I need to stay here for a while."

"I'll buy you a new apartment."

Izuku chuckles, but his smile falls when he realizes Katsuki is not joking at all.

"I appreciate the offer, but there's no need, Kacchan," he smiles.

Katsuki is still grabbing the steering wheel like he's very tempted to drive away from there. His knuckles are slightly white, perhaps because the grip of the wheel has tightened considerably.

"Izuku, this is not a safe place." He's deadly serious, and by the tone in his voice, it seems like he's about to snap, but he's trying to control himself.

"I can take care of myself," he hears himself saying, slightly irritated. Katsuki is not the only stubborn person in that car.

"Alright..." Katsuki doesn't deny it, but Izuku can tell that he doesn't like the situation at all. "If you want to save for your new apartment, perhaps you can live with me in the meantime. You'll save even more money because you won't have to pay rent anymore."

Izuku's face turns slightly pink at the thought of living with Katsuki. A memory returns to him in that moment; when they were kids, they had promised each other they would live together and work in the same agency as a hero duo.

But that was before Izuku found out he was quirkless.

A long time ago.

"Kacchan, I really appreciate what you're trying to do, but I can't accept–"

"Please."

He's sure the pro hero has seen a lot of awful things during all those years working as Dynamight; Izuku has access to a lot of cases, and even though the information is sometimes haunting, he knows there's nothing compared to seeing it happening or arriving at the crime scene.

However, this time Katsuki is overreacting. Sure, the place is not the safest one, but it's not like there's a murder every single day.

Besides, his neighbors are very good people.

"I'll think about it," he finally says, mostly to reassure him.

However, it doesn't work. Katsuki keeps looking around, growing tense.

"You should stay with me tonight. I'll make katsudon if you do."

The offer is really tempting, but Izuku knows it's because Katsuki is imagining horrible things happening to him in that place. Things that are not real.

"I'll be fine."

"Then I'll stay with you."

The fact that he's almost begging makes Izuku's heart beat in a funny way inside his chest. Surely, they are friends now, but it seems Izuku really had no idea how much Katsuki cared about him.

Until now.

"My apartment is tiny and I don't have an extra futon–"

"I can sleep on the floor."

"Kacchan..." Izuku leans closer, placing a hand on his broad shoulder. "Listen, take a deep breath. Nothing is going to happen to me, I promise. I have lived here for over two years now. I know this place, and I know how to take care of myself."

Katsuki nods as he relaxes... a bit.

"Alright, but I won't go until you enter that building... no, I won't leave until you text me you're inside your apartment."

Fine. He can agree to that.

"Okay, Kacchan."

***

Two days. It's been two days since Katsuki found out where Izuku lived and whenever he's not with him, he calls him. A couple of times a day.

It's okay, at least he hasn't "kidnapped" Izuku and taken him to his apartment, even though he clearly wants to.

"Hi, Kacchan. Yes, I'm in the office and nothing has happened to me," he mumbles joyfully as he keeps filling a couple of reports for Endeavor's agency.

"I call because I somehow got used to your nerdy voice, and now I miss it constantly," Katsuki grumbles. There's a weird noise coming from his side that makes Izuku frown for a moment.

"Sure, Kacchan," he rolls his eyes because he knows the pro hero can't see him. Maybe he just imagined it. "I suppose you're on patrol so before you–what was that?"

"Shit!"

There's an explosion on his side. This time Izuku is sure of it.

At first, he gets worried as he immediately goes to the database, and then the status section until he finds Dynamight's profile.

"Are you okay?"

"I got everything under control," Katsuki assures him and even though he's clearly using his quirk, Izuku can tell he's being honest.

Then, he gets irritated. Especially when he reads the status and remembers the important mission Izuku assigned to him started today.

"Did you call me during a mission?"

"Izuku, I'm clearly busy here..."

"Alright, I'll end the call."

"No, wait! Is Hatsume there yet?"

Just as Katsuki says it, the head of the support department rushes into Izuku's cubicle.

"Hello, pretty!"

"Hi, Hatsume!" Izuku perks up, smiling at her; she's always a mess, but it suits her somehow.

"Great," Katsuki sounds relived.

"Wait, how did you know–"

"I'm sorry, Izuku, I have to go. I'll pick you up in a couple of hours, alright? Don't get out of the office!"

Katsuki ends the call before Izuku has the opportunity to say anything at all.

He's so distracted arranging everything for the pro hero from Endeavor's agency who'll be coming to work on a case with them and, at the same time, thinking about what he's going to say to Katsuki when he sees him again that he doesn't realize Hatsume is in his personal space until he hears a click.

Suddenly, there's a very beautiful golden chain around his neck, it's not exactly tight, but not as loose as other necklaces he's seen.

It's honestly beautiful, especially with that black X in the middle covered in orange and green gemstones.

Izuku is sure Hatsume made a mistake; if he had to guess, he'd say it looks like a fancy necklace that's probably part of Dynamight's new merch collection or something.

"Uhh... Hatsume?"

She has a tablet in her hands and is typing something so fast it makes Izuku feel a little envious; his job would be slightly easier if he could type that fast.

"I sent an email," she says, without looking up.

A little bit confused, but intrigued nonetheless, Izuku takes out his phone again and opens his mailbox.

It has the agency logo, so Izuku supposes that's something official and relaxes a bit.

He starts reading and then...

"A tracker?"

She chuckles.

"Don't worry, it doesn't activate unless you're in danger. This is for your safety. The standard ones send an alarm to the agency so one of our pro heroes can go and rescue you or help you in case you need it."

Izuku has read about these in a couple of files, although he doesn't know much about them. The ones he looked at seemed completely different from his.

Besides, they were just for very important people... politicians, idols, all kinds of celebrities and scientists if their lives were considered to be in imminent danger.

Also, for obvious reasons, pro heroes' families.

But Izuku was neither of those. He decides to ask Hatsume, but something else makes him worry.

"This looks really expensive."

"You bet!"

"But–"

"It's already paid for, obviously," she says, typing something before the necklace makes a noise and a green light appears in the middle of the X, although it vanishes quickly.

So it's from the agency? Maybe. Although Izuku knows he's not that important to be given something like that. Sure, he handles a lot of information, but it stays in the computer he uses to work on in the office. Besides, neither he nor his coworkers wear uniforms... they aren't given anything that can be linked to the agency for the same reason.

They're not usually the villains' targets. Izuku has never seen a report that mentions an office worker being in danger.

But he admits he's not an expert in that area, perhaps they give something like this to everyone who works there.

"Why Dynamight's logo?"

Hatsume looks at him before chuckling.

"You're funny, Midoriya."

Getting slightly frustrated, Izuku tries again with another question.

"How can I take it off?"

Even though she's the one with crooked goggles on her head and stains of grease all over her face, she looks at him like he's crazy.

"You're not supposed to take it off, ever. It'd defeat its purpose."

"I mean... to take a shower?"

"Oh! Don't worry, it's waterproof!"

At least he finally got a little bit more information about the necklace.

"Uhh..."

"Sorry, I'd love to stay and chat with you, but I have a lot of work to do and I'm sure you do too!" Hatsume says, already waving him goodbye, and looking down at her tablet at the same time.

Izuku sighs and looks down at the device around his neck. He likes the Dynamight symbol, even though he has no idea why she picked that one specifically.

He knows these have to be a secret; the general public can't know about them, so perhaps making it look like expensive merch was her goal?

Yeah, that's probably it.

And she chose Katsuki because it's not a secret Izuku is good friends with him so him wearing his merch makes sense.

He nods to himself, mostly because he doesn't have time to look for more information on that.

He still has to tell Aizawa that Endeavor's office hasn't sent the name of the pro hero who's coming in a few days.

They have to work with them in that particular case because even though they started the investigation, the villain has moved to the zone assigned to the pro heroes who work at Endeavor's.

It'll probably be fine.

***

Next--->

Patreon

[humanitys-strongest-bamf]

"get me a damned matcha" | Epilogue

{{ Chapter 25: June III }} Chapter Directory

SURPRISE

who would i be if i didn't end this with a smutty epilogue

✧ pairing ➼ levi ackerman x fem!reader, college x coffee shop x roommates!au ✧ summary ➼ After you find yourself plagued with misfortune due to struggles in your personal and family life, you find yourself needing to move last minute. As a junior in undergrad with little money and little social support, you considered yourself lucky when you found a sublease that was close to campus and was relatively cheap. Unfortunately, it seemed that your roommate did not seem to be so excited regarding your presence. ✧ content/warnings ➼ fluff, levi and reader moving into a house, smut (minors go away), my farewell to this monster of a fic and i am both relieved and crying at the same time ✧ word count ➼ ~2.5k

“I fucking told you it wouldn’t fit.”

“Shut up before I leave you on the side of the road.”

You huffed in frustration as you crossed your arms, glaring at Levi as he struggled to get one of your larger suitcases out of the car. Realizing that there wasn’t a delicate solution to this crisis, you groaned and crawled into the car from the front, planting your foot on the back of the suitcase to shove it out.

Once you saw that Levi had lowered the suitcase onto the ground successfully, you crawled back out, patting at the skirt of your sundress so that it fell back over you properly and to shake off any dirt that you might have stumbled upon. 

You turned around and looked up at what was technically the cause of all your stress just now. You were finally moving into the house that you and Levi had bought together. You had been saving up for it for a while now and finally got everything settled. Now you just had to actually get everything from your old apartment here, which was just more tedious than it was difficult.

Sighing, you brought your left hand up, running your fingers over the engagement ring to ensure that it didn’t get damaged during the rough movement. It was a fairly simple ring with a small diamond in the center, but it was still expensive and had a lot of sentimental value, so you’d be devastated if something actually happened to it.

You looked over towards your fiancé, noting how stressed he was already looking. Levi was running his fingers through his hair to get it out of his eyes and huffed after finally getting the oversized suitcase out of the car and onto the ground.

It had been roughly five years since you graduated at this point, which translated to 5-6 years living in that apartment on campus. Moving into a house was definitely an upgrade, but you’d be lying if you said that you didn’t feel like you were leaving something behind. 

It was a long time coming. The two of you had gathered too many items for the apartment to store, and with your income steadily increasing as you moved on from being students to working adults, buying a house was the logical next step. Your book had long been published and you were currently teaching at a private high school that focused on humanities—something you appreciated. It allowed you to help nurture that type of creativity. Levi had graduated with his PhD, despite his consistent commentary over whether he’d actually be able to obtain his degree or not. In addition to having his own lab, he got hired on as an adjunct faculty at the university. You weren’t connected to the university in any way, but you could already tell that Levi was the hardass professor that all the students were kind of afraid of, but was actually super understanding once someone actually reached out. He fit the archetype, even if he wouldn’t admit to that himself.

You gave Levi a quick kiss on the cheek, gently patting at his other cheek as you began to wheel the suitcase inside, making sure to balance Marmalade’s kennel on it as you rolled both compartments forward. 

Once you finally made your way in through the door, the first thing you did was set Marmalade’s kennel down onto the ground, opening the gate to give him the option to explore if he was interested.

The house was small, but cozy. It still had that ‘new house’ smell and had a neat wooden interior, although it currently seemed quite empty since you had yet to bring in any furniture other than your bed that you just purchased and set up a few days ago. It was going to be stressful having to furnish in addition to preparing for the wedding that was happening in a few weeks.

Your eyes went wide as you were suddenly reminded of the wedding, realizing that your wedding dress was right behind the suitcase that you just wheeled inside. 

You sprinted as if you were running for your life towards the car, panicking as you saw Levi grab onto the garment bag covering your dress.

“Wait, don’t-!” you yelled out as you rushed in front of him, separating him and the dress.

It took him a second to figure out what had just happened, not having expected you to just emerge from the house and instantaneously throw yourself in front of him to act as a barrier between him and your dress.

“What?” he asked with a hint of irritation in his voice.

You took the garment bag and held it close to you.

“No looking.”

Levi immediately rolled his eyes upon realizing why you were so panicked, thinking that the tradition of not being able to see the bride’s wedding dress was absolutely ridiculous. 

“Am I at least allowed to look when I’m ripping that thing off you afterwards?”

Your face immediately flushed up at his comment, being caught completely off-guard by his incredibly suggestive comment. You were momentarily at a loss for words as you tightly hugged your dress, somewhat burying your face in embarrassment.

Upon seeing the smug look in his eyes, you immediately rushed back into the house, taking your dress with you, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of making you all flustered.

Your wedding was going to be small—with neither of you being that big of a fan of large gatherings—but you were putting every ounce of spare energy you had into trying to make it as special as you could. As a result, the two of you hadn’t really had the luxury of spending time with each other. 

After securing your dress in the walk-in closet of your bedroom, you began unpacking the suitcase that you had initially brought in, taking the top of Marmalade’s kennel off once you noticed that he was now exploring the sunroom at the opposite corner of the house. 

Sighing after you finally put away all of the kitchen supplies, you grabbed one of the glass cups, getting some tap water to drink. You scrunched up your nose at the aftertaste and it just further motivated you to drive out and pick up the fridge you had ordered so you could get filtered water.

You set the glass down, looking out the window above the sink towards the spacious yard that had come with the house. The idea of settling down with Levi was overwhelming, but also very exciting. You had never expected yourself to get this far. If you had asked yourself five years ago what you’d be doing today, it certainly would not have involved buying a house with your fiancé and soon-to-be husband.

You had heard him walking in through the door, but still jumped a bit when you felt him wrap his arms around your waist from behind, resting his chin on your shoulder.

“You done being dramatic?” he mumbled, planting a gentle kiss at the base of your neck.

Tutting in disapproval, you slightly smacked his arm and tried to wriggle out of his grasp, which only prompted him to tighten his hold on you. It was only when you let out a discontented groan that he loosened up enough for you to turn around so that you were facing him.

“Well, I’m sorry if the one tradition I want to follow is for you to not see the dress, but if you’re really so inclined-”

“You’re so stupid,” he cut you off. “I don’t give a shit about the dress.”

You immediately stopped talking as soon as he announced that the topic that was on your mind wasn’t what was bugging him at all.

“Then what are you-”

You understood as soon as planted his lips on yours, stopping any further words that were going to come out of your mouth. He gently moved his lips against yours as his grip on your hips tightened. Wedding planning and finalizing everything for the move had left you two touch-starved and it was driving the both of you nuts.

Pulling him in further against you, your own lips moved in sync with his, going from gentle loving kisses to something a bit more passionate and needy, with your lips parting more once you felt the tip of his tongue running over them. 

A quiet moan came out of your throat as his tongue met yours and his hands squeezed at your ass, lifting you up so that you were sitting on the counter. Your hands went from gripping his shoulder to running down his chest and over his abs, tugging at the bottom seam of his shirt to prompt him to take it off.

“Here, really?” he mused as he planted some more gentle kisses along your jawline towards your ear.

“You started it, asshole,” you scolded, although you were slightly out of breath, and it was difficult to hide just how much you were needing him right now.

“Don’t be so impatient,” he whispered into your ear, his lips brushing up against your earlobe, sending shivers throughout your body. He grabbed at your ass again, prompting you to wrap your legs around his waist as he picked you up, planting more kisses on you as he navigated his way to the bedroom.

Levi gently set you down onto the bed and held himself over you as he began to trail kisses along your neck, groaning once he heard the little whimpers coming out of you. He weaved his fingers together with yours with one hand, and your breath got caught in your throat as you felt his other hand ghosting your inner thighs, making you realize how much of your wetness had pooled onto your panties already.

Feeling this made his pants feel almost painfully tight and Levi felt that he would soon be the impatient one if things kept going the way they were.

Since you were wearing a dress with a loose skirt, all he had to do was push it up so that it was bunched around your hips, his fingers gently trailing over your sex as he pushed your panties to the side.

You shivered as you felt his fingers begin stroking at your folds, occasionally pressing down with a bit of increased pressure as the pads of his fingers ran over your now swollen clit. You were mewling into him as you continued to kiss him, your hips bucking up towards his hand, your pussy needy for his fingers.

He continued to gently stroke you, with his middle finger pressing slightly deeper into your heat each time. You gasped once he fully inserted his middle finger into you, and then again once he pulled away and pressed his index finger into you as well. Levi watched you squirming under him with lustful eyes, your moans sounding like music to his ears. He hadn’t even begun to do anything yet and you were already well on your way to becoming a quivering mess underneath him.

You gripped at his shoulder with your free hand as he began pumping his fingers in and out of you, hooking and spreading them as he relished in the sounds coming from your pussy that indicated just how wet you were getting for him. That, plus the way his palm would occasionally rub up against your clit meant it was only a matter of time before you’d approach your high.

Once he heard your breathing destabilize and your tight hole clenching up around him, he pulled his fingers out entirely, immediately drawing out a whine from you as you looked at him, frustrated that he didn’t let you finish. 

You watched as he lifted your hips and slid your panties down your legs and off you, using his other hand to unzip his pants to let out his leaky and aching cock. He used your slick that had gathered on his fingers and rubbed it over himself before holding himself over you again, stroking the tip of his cock against your throbbing pussy. 

Levi immediately let out a guttural groan at feeling you against even just the tip of his cock. Getting quite impatient himself, he positioned himself and immediately bottomed out into you, drawing out a louder moan of ecstasy to escape from you. He was heaving over you and you were trembling, grabbing onto his shoulders. He hadn’t even begun moving yet, but you were both so touch-starved that he could’ve cummed on the spot if he didn’t control himself.

One of his hands met up with your left hand, weaving your fingers together as he held it down next to your head. You squeezed at his hand as he slowly began to thrust in and out of you, having felt you on him for the first time in nearly two weeks. His thrusts were sloppier and not nearly as methodical as they usually were and it soon became next to impossible to quiet down your moans.

His other hand traveled down to your clit and began rubbing at the sensitive bundle of nerves as soon as he felt you begin to clench up around him. You whined as you felt yourself approaching your own orgasm again, your chest rising up as your back arched off the bed. He buried his face into your neck, doing a mix of kisses and biting as he began losing himself to the feeling of you around his cock.

Levi kissed at your cheek before speaking directly into your ear, his voice low yet winded from the pent up sexual frustration.

“You have no idea…” he whispered, his hand gripping at yours, feeling the engagement ring on your finger. “...how much I love you and the fact that I get to call you mine.”

You always were weak for those words. You cried out, mumbling incoherent words as you felt your orgasm coursing through your veins, your other hand gripping at his arm as you whined and panted underneath him.

He matched your whines with a deep and low groan as he thrusted deeply into you, feeling his cock twitching as he fucked himself through his own orgasm, spilling his warm seed into you.

Even after he came down from his high, he continued to hold himself over you, looking at you with that soft expression you’d never get used to, his hair slightly clinging to his forehead from the sweat that had gathered. You were both breathing heavily and your legs were now shaking around him.

You looked into his eyes, your pupils dilated in the aftermath of the intensity of your orgasm fading away. His gaze into your eyes was intense, but soft at the same time, and his grip on you, with one hand holding yours and the other holding your waist, was strong and unwavering.

Reaching up, you placed your hand around the back of his neck and pulled him into another kiss, holding yourself there for a little while longer this time, before whispering to him as you placed your forehead against his.

“Love you too, Ackerman.”

I know I mentioned grieving last week, but I'm 100% still on that train 😭 This was the first long-fic that I've actually published in SUCH a long time and I'm so happy for those of you that stayed throughout the whole thing! Writing this was def a journey and I'm in love with these two dumbasses and probably will be for a stupidly long amount of time. Goodbye for reals! Until next time 🫡 ~Kat #: @levisbrat25 @gothgril69 @sckerman @berrijam @notgoodforlife @meowjaa @averysmolbear @roseofdarknessblog @bejewelledd @hhighkey @ayame236 @sad-darksoul @velouria17 @kamyru @l1zk4 @layenacreates @lamees004 @whoami-72 @highgoon69 @chaotic-on-main @levishotgf @nube55 @chosos-mascara @heichoucleanfreak @svftackerman @v4mp-wife @moonchild-angel @astri-ackerman @auriuswolve @noctemys @you-always-made-me-blush @raginginferno267 @sugurusdiscordmoderator @jennamelinda12 @noodlejitsu @nalu-trashytrash @creigh-h @gina239 @inseongsbitch

[mrghostrat]

i appreciate all the kindness for my uni rejection, and anyone going through the same thing should def read through my replies if they need similar comfort. there’s a lot of “ATAR isn’t everything!” comments tho, which made me realise i haven’t actually talked much about my goals, so i wanted to share a little context.

i’m 30 (on the 17th). i took a gap year after high school and i went to uni at 19. i even dropped out a semester before graduating to pursue the one thing that was making me happy (my first original comic) during a really bad depression (undiagnosed adhd burnout). i got the last units and graduated a year later, a bachelor of game design.

haven’t used my degree once. i went into comics and freelance rather than games. but i also loved that degree and would do it all again, it was absolutely worth it.

i’ve been freelance and self sufficient for 6-7 years, and it’s fun and i’m proud of the things i’ve made, but i’m so tired. i’m specifically tired of having to work 7 different angles to make up one sufficient salary, and even if it ends up being temporary, i’d give anything for a 9-5. have someone else in charge for once.

got to the end of my rope last year and sat down to figure out what i like and what i’m good at. a Life Plan, yknow. i’ve always had an interest in teaching, helping, connecting like that. figured out degrees and became really invested in this new trajectory i pictured my life going on. i was also tired of waiting, because every time i wanted to move back to the city from this tiny town we’re in, somethings come up or delayed it. so zita helped me figure out how we could get the ball rolling and break our lease 3 months early, so we could move back to melbourne and i could start my degree this year. we looked for (and found) an apartment specifically on the side of the city that would be closest to my campus.

i hope that gives a lil context as to why i’m so devastated right now. the last 5 months have been me revving up to start this new chapter at the end of feb and one little email said nah.

the degree i wanted to do was a double degree, secondary education (hons) and a BA of fine arts. i was equally excited for both, because i never got to do a lot of actual art learning in my last degree, and the BA would give me all of that— life drawing, sculpting, painting, wood/metal/jewellery working, digital, fuckin everything. but it was the less important of the pair, when it comes to getting myself a job as an art teacher, because i already have the art experience. it was just a fun bonus, and the education degree was the one i NEEDED.

in nov i had to travel to melbourne to present a portfolio and interview for the BA. they showed me around the studio too, and i fell a little bit in love. i got the acceptance email in december, but i still didn’t have an offer for the education degree. another reason why i’m so discombobulated— i technically have an invitation, but it’s for the less important degree that would just be a money sink. do i go to uni anyway?? or just ignore this invitation and move on?

my state recently made education/teaching degrees free as a way of encouraging more teacher jobs. i learnt about this after i decided i wanted to pursue teaching, so it was just a fun lil bonus that i wouldn’t be adding to my student debt. apparently not, bc i didn’t think about how every teenager and their dog would apply for teaching degrees so they could get straight into uni without any debt. so, even tho i’m a graduate and i’m not relying on school scores, i was one in a million, likely just numbers on a page, and didn’t get in.

there could be other paths. i could start the BA and add the Edu degree later? i could reapply for mid year intake. i could… idk, most of what i could do requires emailing Monash and asking wtf, because i have no idea what’s actually possible and will need someone to lay it out for me.

still feels like i’ve run into a brick wall though. little bit shut down. more sad, not quite angry, but suddenly really spiteful for some reason— like “oh, you don’t want me? okay fuck you then, i won’t ever teach.” so stupid. just a bit fragile rn

[dean-you-assbutt-cas-loves-you]

best friends to lovers destiel au fic recs list for @thetiredstuff :D

A Tale of Two Tropes by Amelia_Clark (E, 7k)

 “Am I going to regret this?” Cas asked from the passenger seat.

 They’d just pulled up outside Dean’s grandmother’s house, a tidy Craftsman bungalow painted a cheerful yellow. It didn’t look threatening; there was a porch swing with crocheted cushions and a cement statue of a goose on the porch. The goose was wearing a rain slicker and hat the same color as the house.

In this fic: fake dating, bed-sharing, the doting grandmother Dean Winchester never had, a cement goose with a wardrobe, a contemptuous cat, and a lot of sexual tension that's unresolved until it isn't.

As You Walk On By by MercyBraavos (E, 23k)

Dean and Castiel grew up together. Fell in love together. Lost their virginity together. Made plans for the future, their future, together. There’s only one problem:

Castiel doesn’t remember any of it.

Are We Any Different? by LeviathanBlue, SerpentCountess (T, 41k)

Cas adopts (steals) a cow.  Dean helps.

“Cas… There’s a… There’s a cow.  In my room.” “Yes, Dean.” “Why?” “Because.” "Right."

More Than Kisses by  FriendofCarlotta  (E, 29k)

1996: Dean joins his high school’s pen pal program as a last-ditch effort to keep from repeating the eleventh grade. But soon, the letters he trades with Castiel, a fellow high schooler from Chicago, become the most important constant of his life.

2005: Castiel has been in love with his pen pal Dean for years now. But he’s reluctant to upset the balance of their relationship, so when a new work opportunity takes him to Dean’s city, he keeps it a secret. Will these two ever find their way to each other?

things i knew when i was young by stormwarnings  (T, 16k)

Ok, so Castiel's in love with his best friend.

Which is what puts them here, in Dean’s car, eight hours into a nine and a half hour drive up north to bury Castiel’s mother on the grounds that he grew up on. Because it’s been eight years since Castiel cut ties with his family and left, supposedly for college, and there hasn’t been a word of communication since. Because Dean is, at his core, a good person and a better friend, and when he heard that Castiel’s mother had died and that he would need to return to his childhood home over Thanksgiving break, he knew enough to say he’d go with him.

This is, for sure, not helping Castiel get over his inappropriately persistent feelings.

(more under the cut)

Alright  by  turningthepages  (T, 46k)

Dean is a good kid living in a good town surrounded by good friends and good family. Castiel is the new kid in town and has never truly had a friend before.

Dean comes along and starts to change things for him.

To Build a Home by intothesilentland  (M, 383k)

Twenty-three years of head-over-heels, devastating devotion and love, love, love for the man with bright eyes and dark hair. Fourteen years of friends, best friends, of always together. One moment of rejection.

Nine years of apart. Nine years of heartbreak, nine years of continents away, of not speaking, of no acknowledgement, no interaction, no closure, no peace. No happiness. Nine years of Dean’s life entering motions, going through them, constant, cold and mechanic, like clockwork. Nine years of alone.

God. Nine years. A lot has changed. And yet Dean still loves Cas just the same. Even if his heart hurts all kinds of different.

On the day of Jimmy Novak's funeral, Dean sees Cas for the first time in nine years. He adored Castiel the moment he met him, at only four years old. But after fourteen years of friendship destroyed by one moment of heartbreak, and after nine years of silence, Dean is convinced Cas will want nothing to do with him. And it's killing him.

When In Vegas  by  Dmsilvis, TobytheWise (E, 16k)

Dean has figured out the most perfect prank. The prank to top every other prank. Ever. Getting his best friend drunk and then convincing him they’d gotten married in their drunken stupor was easy. Dealing with Castiel telling him he’s been in love with Dean for years? Well, that’s a different thing entirely.

Castiel wakes up married to the love of his life who he’s been secretly pining over for years. Now he just has to convince Dean that he’ll be the best husband ever, making sure Dean will never regret the decision he made that night.

Things take a terrible turn when Castiel finds out everything was a lie in the name of a prank just as Dean realizes how much he truly loves Castiel back. Will they be able to overcome this misunderstanding or was their relationship doomed before it even started?

The Ocean Between Us  by  noxsoulmate  (E, 27k)

Living a hermit life, Dean Winchester didn’t need much. The only things important to him were his position in the business that was once owned by his family, his boat, and his friendship with Castiel, Charlie, and Gabriel. If only there wasn’t a whole ocean between them, then maybe he could even give his feelings for Castiel a chance …

Room for Two (The Mattress AU) by  almaasi  (E, 14k)

✔ College roommates ✔ Buying a mattress together ✔ Faking a relationship to get a discount ✔ Sharing a bed ✔ Roleplaying as a couple to "test the bed" ✔ Fake kissing becomes real kissing ✔ Fake sex is Way Too Real ✔ Cuddling ✔ Wet dreams ✔ "Oh no I thought I was dreaming but it was real life" ✔ Matchmakers Sam & Charlie ✔ Cas seems kinda clueless but actually understands everything ✔ Mutual respect, support, and understanding ✔ Friends to lovers ✔ Mutual pining ✔ Go౦ԁ sHit        

Honey-Baked  by  mishaminion69, sydkn3e (E,  89k)

There's no ifs, ands, or buts about it...Cas is a weird, tactless, ornery guy. His idea of a job is selling weed out of their shared cabin, his idea of fun is occasional orgies, and he has more creepy dolls and crystals than anyone of their age ever should.

But he's also Dean's childhood best friend, and now he's the star of all Dean's wildest fantasies.

Then there's the whole "being in love with him" thing.

The Ones We Choose  by  lightmyway  (E, 82k)

After telling his family he’s gay, Castiel winds up homeless.   With the help of his best friend, Cas finds himself a home and a new family.  He also finds himself in love with his best friend.  A love that endures no matter the circumstances of their lives, even in the wake of Dean’s rejection.

Despite knowing how Cas feels, Dean clings to his best friend through the years.  In high school and college.  As roommates.  Through Cas becoming a firefighter and his own journey to become a business owner.  With shared time and space, Dean begins to see Cas in a new light.  His attraction grows, along with his feelings.

Letting those feelings spill out one night, Dean changes the trajectory of their lives.  As their relationship grows, they are confronted by Cas’s past and must relive a painful and damaging event in Dean’s life.  But it is the life-changing fire, which is their greatest challenge, making them face their deepest fears and test the strength of their love.

[mapplesand]

i'm gonna yap about Morbid Minds once again because i can but I just wanna talk about the themes and what I talk about in the story because it may be interesting idk

writing actual people and real life shit

what i try to keep in mind when writing the story is that I want to tell a realistic story about a bunch of weird teens and I will absolutly not shy away from every details that may be seen as taboo or too much

because i feel like we've seen a way too polished version of story about teens like come on, nobody is perfect let them be actual loser, let them say stupid shit, learn from it and do better, let's them be absolute weirdo and get smacked for it, god have you seen high school dudes, they're like fucking menace and they say weird shit all the time, why not show that

plus it's funnier to write character who will say and do unhinged things, why do fantasy writers get a pass in writing morally gray characters but suddenly it looks weird when you do it in contemporary fiction (yeah, i know it hit closer to home and you have to be more careful with what you write, but let's make story about weird people in modern days too you know)

putting outcast on the spotlight (and the neurodivergent experience)

and then there's the obvious reason why I called the story "morbid minds", the fact that I chose to write about character like Marco who are troubled teen, the kind that you wouldn't want to meet in real life, the kid teacher don't want to deal with because they think he's a lost cause

basically the abused victim nobody care about because they're not reacting the "appropriate" way for a victim, the kind that is actually violent and gets into fight, and I feel like people with bad coping mechanism and with a "difficult" personality are either not represented or demonized for having these emotions and not knowing how to deal with them, how about we gave those people a story that treat them with humanity for once

Marco isn't your typical main character because he's basically a bitch and a weirdo, there's a reason why people think he's a school shooter lol some of you guys would probably call him that too if you went to school with him (because we're all capable of being bullies in some ways) but I feel like this makes it more interesting to follow, I mean, people want flawed characters right ? so here you go, have a weirdo who likes guns and beating up people, who can't communicate or hate himself so much he thinks he's not worth loving, have that guy who stalks girls before getting hit with being bisexual and not knowing how to process that information while dealing with toxic masculinity, i mean you get the gist

also, my story relies a lot on neurodivergent and queer experience for example Marco has ADHD but the most notable one are Tristan and Tyler who are autistics

and again, even if we're getting more autistic rep (finally) we're still a long way from the variety of autism experience, that's why I chose to gave some space for my weird autistic and their weirdass special interest lol Tristan often forget that he exists and has a special interest on school shooting, the movie Elephant and had a huge horror phase (creepypasta, horror movies, gore) like of course he sounds more sane than Marco but that's mostly because he went through shit and had to be the bigger person in his own life or else everything would have fell apart, but he's very much as strange as Marco, he's the one that stayed with him after all

Tyler got the actual offputting autism, the one that makes you stare at people with a straight face, the one where people are scared of you because you never smile (but it's just your normal face) he's pretty blunt in all the wrong ways, doesn't social properly and never say the right thing at the right time, he has no shame when he's with people he trusts and can often break boundaries if no one tell him exactly what he's not supposed to do

and all those experience matter to me as a writer because they're all under represented in media because there's really not a lot of neurodivergent stories lol (and also it matters to me as i am also a weird autistic guy, i'm not pulling all of this out of nowhere, i share a lot of traits with Tristan and Tyler, hell even if Marco is the opposite of me he still react a lot like a part of myself that would probably be more unhinged if I wasn't just Tristan IRL)

related to the first point, talking about sex but not in a weird way

this may sounds weird as fuck but it's actually really not, i'm aware i'm writing a bunch of high schoolers but that's also the thing, if you've been in school then you cannot tell me you've never heard guys talk about sex, where are you from, another planet ? because i've seen shit in middle school when i was in 8th grade, and god this was a lot (guys in my friends group talking about hentai, i mean you know those things)

so that's why it's related to the first point, writing real life without filter, but what does that mean exactly ? well apart from not censoring problematic shit a 15 yo guy could say (and boy can a 15 say a lot of bullshit), there's also the fucking fact that Marco who is the main character is a porn addict like i can't just put it under the rug, he has problems with masculinity that leads to sexism and then he also watch porn to fill the void because he has depression, that's like, pretty basic experience actually, you don't know how many people fill the void with sex and stuff like that

when i say all this, it's not to be all weird, i'm ace and I think sex is stupid and everyone makes a huge deal about, so I decided hell, i'm gonna talk about it because it's just,,,, a pretty normal thing most people do, it's not a big deal, some people do that, some people don't, who cares, I think we should have less taboo about it just so people can communicate better, that's what i'm trying to do when i talk about sex in the story

it's just an open conversation between the characters, mostly about putting limits, the characters do get frisky here and there but it's never described, what i do is write the dumb shit it may ensure tho, again, because shit happens, you'll get cum on your shirt and here, you go a funny scene about dumb characters and they get a good laugh about it (and it's both a funny scene and a sweet scene in some ways), i mean it's that easy, idk if i'm clear when i'm rambling about my thoughts process there ?? it's just, man people do that and it's not perfect, let's at least talk about it so people feel less embarrassed about it

i'm improvising everything there, sorry if it sounds messy, but i wanna get back to the putting boundaries stuff, because i feel like it's important to show characters that are both talking about it and also being like "hey let's just wait you know" or stuff like that, it's so simple and i don't think we should make a big deal about it, it's just life and i'm putting it in my story, truly that's how i view it, even if the characters suck at communication they can't just do shit without asking and since they're all awkward about it they just need to fucking talk about it even if it's embarrassing and they don't even know what to say

anyway, let's not make a bif deal about sex, it's just sex, it's gonna happen sometimes, teens have sex, it happens, they just need to be able to talk about it or else it will lead to bad decision making and we don't want that in both the real world and in a story

i feel like i'm forgetting a lot here fuck, if I think of anything else i'll probably update it but I think that's already a big chunk of what i think is important about Morbid Minds and why I like writing it so much

[b4mpyre-k1zz3s]

Hail, Asmodeus!

Y/N, a chronicly lonely woman, resorts to some…drastic measures to supplement her nonexistent love life.

Incubus!Bam Margera X Fem!Reader

(Fluff)

1.9k Words

Warnings: Extremely suggestive content, mention of creepy guys, demonic rituals, stalking, animal death mention, wet dreams, predator/prey dynamic

An: Thank you so much for your requests!! This fic was heavily inspired by this post by @haggarrd and this SPECTACULAR piece of fan art by @the-commonrose which was living in my head for an actual year before I wrote this XD I listened to October Rust on loop while writing this and I think you can tell ;) Anyways, thank you for sending in requests and please, please keep them coming! My inbox is dryer than the desert rn

It was a stupid idea, but you were getting desperate. You were a grown ass woman, and you had never been in a serious relationship. Working from home, you never really got out much and spent a majority of your free time playing video games alone like some antisocial teenager. Even in high school, you never quite developed those oh so important social skills everyone else seemed to have. You yearned for friendship, sure, but you wanted more than that. If not a relationship, as embarrassing as this sounds, all you really needed was affection- something those filthy romance novels you stuck your nose in every night just couldn’t give you. So yeah, maybe you were a little pathetic.

But after trying to meet guys on the internet turned out to be a bust because you ran into one too many creepy dudes, you decided to swear that off, and given the fact you couldn’t talk to men, dating the traditional face-to-face way was out of the question. So one weekend, when you would otherwise be rotting in your bed, laying with your computer on your chest like an otter, you decided to do a little research. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and your solution came to you from, of all places, a seedy Internet forum on the occult. it’s not like you really believed in any of that pentagram of salt, light five black candles crap, but hell, you didn’t have anything to lose.

So, that Friday night, a time for well adjusted adults to go out drinking, party, and screw, you were trying to summon a demon. Yeah, real picture of maturity here. It was an incubus, the website specified- which you only just then learned wasn’t only the name of a band but also apparently some kind of male sex demon, which was close enough to what you were looking for. You went about setting everything up, with all the candles and saying nonsense in Latin, but even after you smudged enough herbs to make your apartment smell like an Italian restaurant, nothing happened. You really should’ve known better than to trust some whackjob on the internet you thought, deciding to go to bed to avoid the gnawing pit in your stomach. Burying yourself in your sheets with a sigh, you tried not to make yourself sick with self pity.

The way your room was set up, there was this window you could almost see out of from your place on the bed, but not quite. For some odd reason, that’s where your eyes were drawn as you sleeplessly stared up at the ceiling with that whole seance thing from a week ago completely gone from your mind. The days were really starting to blend together- wake up, start work, finish work, microwave dinner, sleep. But you tried to keep positive: life isn’t that bad alone, you thought- there’s a lot worse things you could be. But as you started going through the list and you got right in between ‘dead’ and ‘in high school again’, you were suddenly shaken from your thoughts by this stomach churning noise from the darkness- this slow, drawn out scratching at your window. Even though all signs would point to it being some raccoon or mouse, the eerie chill it sent down your spine made your mind immediately go into survival mode. Jolting to your feet, you fell out of bed and scrambled to double check your windows were locked and that there wasn't some home intruder trying to break in and burgle your PlayStation or something. But sure enough, the windows were firmly locked and whatever it was was long gone. Fuck. You were going off the deep end.

After that night , you started getting a little paranoid. Maybe it was the lack of sleep getting to you, but these odd things started happening out of nowhere. The next morning, after that whole scratching incident, when you were brushing your teeth in the bathroom of your shithole apartment, you dipped your head down in the sink and you could’ve sworn you saw something- someone, standing behind you. But by the time you whipped your head up, the only figure looking back at you in the cracked mirror was yourself. Even in public, there always seemed to be something sitting barely out of your line of sight, watching you.

Or these odd physical sensations that came over you at seemingly random times. For example, at night, when you were laying in bed, cozying up with one of those aforementioned filthy novels- because that's what you do when you don’t have a boyfriend. In the silence, the only sound in the room was the periodic flipping of pages until the AC kicked on, which you used to quickly write off the sudden ‘hairs standing up on the back of your neck’ sensation. What you couldn’t explain away as easily was this heavy feeling you felt pushingpushing your bodyyour body down, as if someone had their hand on your shoulder, looking over and studying your every move. But the second you slammed the cover shut and whipped your head around, it was gone. This wasn't a one time thing either- this was routine, always when you were relaxing or busy with something benign. Take, for example, doing dishes. Standing there, elbow deep in murky dishwater, you would start to feel this…warmth surround you- always from behind, and sort of creeping around the rest of your body. And you could feel right behind your ear, these vibrations against your skin, as if there was something there lurking, growling like a starved animal.

Speaking of animals, it should be mentioned here that you never had great luck with living things, and this fact was becoming really apparent as of recently. I mean, you had no problems keeping your plants alive before this, but out of nowhere they all started simultaneously wilting, then browning…then rotting. You tried everything they said to do online, but no amount of sunlight or ph balanced water seemed to reviveto reviSoSo, without too much modumping, you decided to go outside to dump their flakey corpses in your building’s dumpster and oh. It was difficult to see with your arms full of plant pots, but you were almost sure that the thing lying on your doorstep was a dead rabbit. Now you don’t usually get nauseous around blood, but that’s human blood- dead animals are another thing. And as you stared down at the mess of red gristle and white fur in front of you, you could’ve sworn you heard someone whisper in your ear.

Bam really thought he’d get you with that one. It’s a similar concept to how the best beef comes from those cows that get massages and drink beer all day- human souls tasted best with fear, He was quietly watching you from the darkness, brushing against you with feather light touches, whispering gently in your ear, but it was seemingly impossible to figure out how to could get to your head. He was trying every trick in the book, and this woman was still oblivious! Maybe if she had a little more sense in her, she’d recognize that something was a little off after that third consecutive wet dream he gave her, but noooo! She was surprisingly accepting of all of this. In fact, if Bam knew any better, he could’ve sworn you were enjoying this. To say he was frustrated would be an understatement. This lonely pervert of a woman was either very resilient or just plain desperate, and was airing towards the latter.

It was those dreams he gave you that had the biggest effect on you. See, most humans break down- tenderize, if you will, pretty quickly at this sort of thing, but you were a tough nut to crack. But Bam kept his cool- he knew how to get creative in times like these, so he decided that not only would he be weaving these lusty thoughts into your head while you were none this wiser, at the same time, he’d be standing right by your bedside, tracing his fingers over your sleeping form. Nothing too serious, just gently slipping the linens off of your shoulder with a drag of a single clawed finger here, slowly caressing your cheek there. The touch of any demon is incredibly powerful, especially that of an Incubus. But even when you woke up with little red claw marks etched into the skin of your hips, you flat out didn’t care. In fact, you seemed to be going to bed sooner and sooner, in hopes you’d seen that mysterious figure that had you so transfixed.

So, he had to take things into his own hands.

At your window, which you had since stopped locking, Bam peered in with keen eyes, watching you as you laid there, peacefully bathed in the glow of the night. The only motion in the room was the soft rise and fall of your chest with your breath. Like a wild animal stalking its prey, he took this as his cue, silently pushing open the windows with little effort and inviting himself in. But you weren’t asleep. From under half lidded eyes, you finally got the chance to take in the visage of this bewitching stranger that had been haunting your every waking moment. Standing bare at the foot of your bed, stepping out from the cover of shadow and into the light, Bam revealed himself.

Beautiful, dark filigree stood out against his pale skin, one design spanning his Adonis’ belt and the other winding up his side. Razor sharp, catlike claws glinted in the light and, framed that way, he looked so powerful. With that toned, muscular body, you could have mistaken him for a man if it weren’t for the mouth full of fangs he was sporting, almost salivating over your body. The mattress dipped a little under his weight and the set of strong wings that sat on his back settled down against him as Bam practically slithered closer, pausing on top of you to rake a hand through the dark curls that hung in his face, revealing a pair of piercing, clouded over eyes- the eyes of a predator. But even though every feature of his was purely demonic, once you got a look at his face, you realized that he was strikingly beautiful.

It was either the slight flutter of your eyelids or the way Bam could feel your heartbeat speed up against his chest that tipped him off that you were awake. Oh, this was getting better and better. He could practically smell the fear seeping from this woman’s pores as he buried his face in your neck, anticipation hanging dense in the air between your bodies. And Bam sat there for a second, jaws wide but not quite clamping down on your throat, giving you just enough room to panic and wriggle or squirm before he finally got to that delicious prize he was so eagerly waiting for- because he liked to play with his food. Quivering with desire, you couldn’t be happier, because those same dreams you had night after night were happening for real: in your room, to you.

[nyxtheshipper]

I just came out of a five year relationship. Yes, five years. Five and a half almost six. The first five years we worked fine, then great, sometimes okay, but always good. We met in a private high school that was very prestigious. He didn't have a scholarship, I did, so imagine the disparity between his life and mine.

In the beginning it wasn't so obvious, he lived with his mom in a decent house, not too ostentatious, so our daily lives were kind of the same. He did his chores, helped his mom cook, cleaned the house or sometimes had someone to help them clean - something surprisingly common here in Mexico. My family also sometimes had someone to help us clean, but most of the time we cleaned our house ourselves. The point is, even if he clearly had money, he didn't flaunt it.

But you know what happened? Slowly, during college, during the pandemic, and when we moved cities to go to college after the pandemic, it started to show. The funny thing about school is that it's still a controlled environment, doesn't matter whether you're in college or already working while in college. We had it relatively easy. We knew our lives were here, right now, gearing towards graduation - towards the void that was being filled up by maybe an assured position thanks to the fact that the colleges were also private.

You can plan an entire life in school, dream about it, even play house. But the reality is harsh, and once you lose the structure, it's not playing anymore. The bubble pops.

That's when things get real. For a long time, my ex and I lived in that bubble. I was working and studying, trying to pay my bills while also keeping afloat my grades and a relationship. I kind of managed, but believed that it was gonna pay off once we finished and my ex and I were finally going to live together and actually start our own lives. That's how you manage to stay sane with a lot of pressure on top of you.

It also helps to see that your ex is more down to Earth than you expect, having been born and raised in a life of privilege. He's also living alone, paying bills, but his family is the one that gives him the money, and it shows. It shows in your meals, in the dates he takes you to that you can't afford. And, honestly, you start sympathizing with those Hallmark/Kdrama girls that get everything from their rich love interest. It sucks.

And before you come for me about privilege, etc. I. Know. But also, what they don't show you and what I had to learn the hard way is the rules. Once that bubble pops, and you're presented with your partner's reality, you see the incredible amount of strings that that money has attached. And it fucking sucks! For a long time, being in college, away from our families, we were able to be ourselves, and in a traditional household, that is gold!

Mexican families are still so misogynistic with many many things. And I had the privilege to have a mom that doesn't take shit from the patriarchy, especially when my dad tries to enforce it, but my ex? The moment he stepped out of that bubble, he had to go back to the traditions. It didn't matter whether I had shown him that women are equals, that he didn't have to be the sole provider, or that I was teaching him that he's allowed to cry, to feel, to get angry, to just be!

The moment he stepped out of his bubble, he fell apart. Since I had moved to the same city as him during college, he was never truly alone. But now, having left the country for a semester, on the brink of graduating, he was truly for the first time ever alone. And he couldn't cope. He asked a lot from me, making me his whole world and expecting me to be there 24/7, and I didn't react kindly to that. We discussed - not fought, discussed - and we tried to reach agreements. For me, he was being too clingy, and I had my own problems and my own life to look after. I also saw the opportunity he was in as something amazing and to be taken advantage of, and that he needed to make friends desperately.

For him, it was the worst time of his life.

Did I know he was having SUCH a bad time? No. Why? Because, as is tradition in his particular socioeconomic circle, men are not allowed to show emotion. He could only be calm. Even when he told me he was tired, it was the same as a robot telling you they're tired.

He could not show anger, he could not show he was sad, hell, whenever we "fought" it was more like a business meeting of what steps we were going to take to not let the discussion happen again. Everything I had tried to show him, that he could express his feelings, of me asking him to show me he was angry instead of just telling me, all gone.

And today, we broke up. He broke up with me, more like, and he did it amicably. Without showing emotion, just telling me what he feels. As usual.

And that's not okay. Can you imagine someone breaking up with you as if you were business partners only? When I asked him one last time to be angry, to show emotion, he said it wasn't appropriate nor polite. And as much as it pisses me off, I can't blame him entirely.

He's 2 meters tall in a country where you are considered tall at 1.80. Of course many people have told him he's scary, especially when he gets mad, even his ex told him that.

There are many things wrong with today's culture here in Mexico, don't even get me started on the way his family started trying to put me into the stereotypical housewife box. But today, I saw something that hurt me more: a man who couldn't express his feelings, not even while breaking up a five year relationship, simply because it was deemed impolite and even scary if he expressed himself.

[five-nights-at-whoopees]

Meet the Characters: Part 3

so, due to apparent popular demand- i am going to be writing about the security guard next! i did place this up to poll, and i genuinely wasn't expecting Heidi Weinerman to win but here we are- i do plan on setting this up differently because if i get myself burnt out from my own fixations, i might actually cry so,

Heidi was honestly chosen because I thought she had the most connection to our boys; and yes, Nomi is still there (also to clarify right now, he is not nomirandy- he's the Nomicon but i decide to be self indulgent that's it)

I will say this, she does not get to have a good time- even if she isn't directly tied to the missing five incident

General Background;

Heidi is still the oldest of the Weinerham siblings- they have roughly two years of age difference in this universe because I said so. Of course, due to this the relationship between her and Howard is a little bit strained but overall, it could be worse. I honestly headcanon Heidi to be born somewhere in summer or fall, but we'll get right to the point- there is no favoritism in the Weinerham family, not a single bit. Mort is not that kind of parent and specifically for this universe, he is divorced! He values both his children equally, but of course Mort is a busy man and he still had to leave Heidi to care for her younger brother

Things at first, they were fairly normal. Heidi was fine helping out around the house, though somewhere around the time Howard turned three- a new addition was made to the family so to speak. Mort Weinerman and one of the neighbors, Ayumi, had arranged a playdate between their two sons: Howard and Randy. Almost immediately, the boys had it hit off and Heidi honestly felt glad that her brother could make friends this way. It wasn't uncommon to see Randy over at the Weinerman household (Heidi could never fully remember his name but oh well, if it made Howard happy-)

As the years passed, Heidi discovered her love for media- doing mostly home videos before ShoobTube truly kicked off in popularity. Her family had always been modest with their money, and Heidi certainly didn’t ask for much. She tended to film using an older camera (if anyone’s genuinely curious, i can share the model of the camera later!) and would do narration videos!

Though it was on Randy’s eighth birthday party that everything fell apart- Heidi was only ten but she was far from dumb and seeing Howard’s panic when no one could find Randy was heartbreaking (she still remembers when the police showed up, talking to the guests and trying to make sense on how multiple kids had suddenly gone missing) After that, Heidi found herself in a strained rivalry with her brother- more so than before and she couldn’t blame him. Randy had been a constant in their lives, except now he was gone and Heidi didn’t know what to think

As the years passed, Heidi continued using media and film- becoming one of the most watched people on ShoobTube within her high school. She began doing other forms of content: viral videos, ‘exclusive’ interviews, gossip received from students. It wasn’t out of the ordinary, and it was what led her to going to college for Media Production but with still trying to find a good agency to work for and deciding she needed something to do with her time- well, things certainly got interesting

… and we get to the present

Current Information;

Heidi is currently 28 (which makes Howard about 25/26-); despite still having a presence on ShoobTube- she was hoping to do more with her life, but it was proving a lot harder than it needed to be. Nothing would have prepared her for choosing to be a security guard at Whoopee World- it had been an ad on a streaming site and the next thing, an idea formed in her head. Perhaps it might never work but if she didn’t, no one would

She might be able to get answers; make sense of the missing children case from nearly thirty years ago, and well- she felt she owed it to Howard and to Randy, and let Norrisville rest after the devastation. Heidi was quick to make an appointment for an interview and strangely enough, she got it almost right on the spot. This would be easy; simply make it through the week, gather as much information as she could and if need be- work for a little longer, if it meant putting an end to this entire mess

Nothing prepared her for the strange call she got on the first night- Heidi blinked, not understand as the warning of the animatronics’ free-roaming mechanism. She was even more startled when it claimed that the animatronics wandered, that they would attempt to stuff her into a suit… but she pushed through and things got even weirder

Was she dreaming? It had almost sounded like a cry, a child’s scream but it couldn’t have been- and that was made her come back. Heidi had no idea what she was getting herself into, what this would unravel in the end but of course, nothing was ever that simple

Heidi Weinerman was going to solve the mystery. No matter what

Headcanons;

🎬 Heidi is ADHD. She has a fixation on media and film, and hopes one day to become a professional producer but for now- she has a job as the security guard at Whoopee World

🎬 Heidi is feisty- she stops at nothing to get what she wants, but even then she is very protective of those she cares about! She has intervened when Howard was being bullied in high school, and is too stubborn to quit when attempting to uncover the truth

🎬 She tends to keep her hair loose or in a ponytail

🎬 Heidi isn’t one to fully believe in the paranormal (but she also has heard the wails- the weird childlike screams; to ‘save them’ and she’s begun to question)

🎬 She is friends with Debbie Kang in present times. Heidi and Debbie weren’t fully close during their high school years but at the same time, similar interests call for friendships! They are both equally as determined for the truth

🎬 The relationship she has with her brother strengthened once more in adulthood, but they both lead different lives

🎬 Heidi doesn’t have dreams of the incident like some of the others do- (at least not in the current moment)

There will be more to come soon! I hope you enjoyed this because ohhh I am just getting started- stay safe, everyone and happy Pride!

[poetzproblem]

poetz, i have two completely unrelated questions for you.

the first: my general understanding of db faberry’s sex life (from both fics and asks here) is that they’re not incredibly wild/kinky/into anything supernatural out there, but that they are also decidedly not vanilla. i remember there being a conversation in one fic (i believe it was JGMALBM) about sex lives with previous partners where sarah was described as tame and that quinn couldn’t even remember them ever having sex anywhere but a bed. my question in regard to this is, since her sex life with rachel is so much different, did quinn ever feel that her and sarah’s sex life was unsatisfying? or were a lot of the things that she experiments in with rachel not really a big deal or even on the table until rachel? or perhaps both?

the second (which is, as i said before, entirely unrelated) is actually a headcanon i have randomly: that rachel gets injured (minorly, maybe a sprain or something) at the theatre and comes home limping/visibly in pain. quinn obviously notices and questions her until rachel finally (reluctantly) explains and quinn proceeds to freak out a bit that her girlfriend/fiancée/wife got hurt at her workplace. any thoughts on this?

thank you for everything you do poetz!

Poor Sarah. Forever branded as vanilla and boring thanks to Quinn.

In her defense, which is semi-related to your first question, Sarah did not have a lot of opportunities by way of lesbian sexual experiences before she met Quinn. She had one fumbling, inexperienced summer hook-up with a more experienced, slightly older bisexual blonde who didn’t want to take advantage of the baby lesbian by going too far too fast, and then she got her first actual girlfriend halfway through her senior year of high school, but she lived in a different town about forty minutes away and was nearly as inexperienced as Sarah. That lasted into her first year at Yale as a long distance thing before it fell apart because it was a long distance thing. 

Meanwhile, Quinn went out after her first girlfriend dumped her and had lots and lots of lesbian sex to figure out what she liked, and what she liked was being a top. So she meets Sarah who is shy, still not super experienced, and kind of nervous about the whole thing, and Quinn is happy to take the lead in bed. But since she wasn’t interested in sex toys (yet) and kind of got off just teasing and pleasing her girlfriend, they fell into a fairly routine sex life. Let’s also not forget that Sarah had a roommate in the dorms and Quinn had a roommate in her apartment, so there were also some limitations in play in terms of where and when they could get their alone time. 

Quinn wouldn’t necessarily say that her sex life with Sarah was unsatisfying, but she would admit that it wasn’t very exciting. At the time, she wasn’t really looking for excitement. She wanted stability - someone to love who’d love her and stay. 

Lucky for her, she got both with Rachel. Unlike Sarah, Rachel had enough experience, albeit with men, by the time she and Quinn got together to already know some of her own bedroom kinks, and also unlike Sarah, she’s not afraid to broach the subject with Quinn.  Obviously, Quinn was resistant to some of those things Rachel suggested at first, so they weren’t things she really considered trying before. Quinn got off on being in control in the bedroom (and the teasing of course) and didn’t really think much about toys or role-playing or bondage. But she comes to trust Rachel in a way that she’s never trusted another partner, so she feels more comfortable trying some of those things - the same way she feels more comfortable occasionally giving up control to Rachel. 

As for your second point, Quinn would absolutely freak out and go all Scary!Quinn over any injury to Rachel. She was ready to do that to Kurt when Rachel came home after her tattoo until she found out it wasn't an injury and was entirely self-inflicted.

She'd probably have a slightly less dangerous reaction if Rachel was coming home under her own power but just in a sling or a cast and able to explain what happened - though maybe not, considering Quinn wasn’t called immediately to come to the hospital/doctor while Rachel was treated - but just imagine if Quinn gets that call from Rachel’s director/stage manager/cast mate because Rachel is unconscious and on her way to the emergency room.

[international-repeater-station]

so. ive been thinking a lot. about omori and about what might ensue post-SUNNY route ending. [omori spoilers ahead]

one thing about me is that if i join a fandom, it usually--with some exceptions--means that i mainly enjoy a piece of media as a form of escapism. so like. feel-good stories. or maybe excruciatingly painful stories but they have a good ending that leaves you happy, hopeful, whatever. good friends, best friends, an OTP or two--you know the drill i guess. not saying i only enjoy light stories, it's just that i'm always finding a way to sneak in something happy in there, or finding fandoms that know how to do that.

omori. might be my first hyperfixation (= a story which forever and ever will be among my most favorites even when the obsession dies down) which i can't enjoy in the same way i've been enjoying other stories (don't get me wrong i'm still enjoying it immensely)

because

there is no happy ending i think. as in, that's just not possible? my opinion on that is not set in stone, but for now that's how i feel about it

and my deal is that i Love the characters, i Love the potential in ships like sunflower- ok. grips your, whoever's reading this, shoulders. i love love LOVE the dynamic those two had before things went south. these silly kids were so cute together. But what i love even more (not because it makes me feel fuzzy anymore but because good storytelling) is how it makes perfect sense (to me) that it would be incredibly heckin unhealthy for them to start any sort of relationship. ultimately, i doubt they're even capable of becoming friends again, not just after what happened with mari, but also after what sunny has put himself and basil through

which is nuts. when you're used to, like, thinking about characters (either on their own or OTPs) and twirling your hair and kicking your feet giddily, when you'd actually like to go ^__^ and draw them being sweet together, and then you're faced with the sheer tragedy of the whole gang in OMORI, it's. let's just say oughhhggfggghhgggggbbbh.

it happened and, snap, everything fell apart. FOUR years of nothing, despite all of them living In The Same Town. they have already grown apart tremendously. i can see it, they graduate from high school and that's it—moving from faraway town, maybe not keeping in touch at all. why would they want to, if the memories are so painful, and if the memories that are good not just seem, but really are so distant now? it's healthy to find new friends, to continue living this new life away from the old one.

it makes sense, it all makes perfect sense!!!!!, and yet it's so damn hard to accept the likelihood of that outcome when you've been looking so long through the eyes of sunny/omori who's been abusing escapism biggg time. it's the contrast between how his dream world is and how the real world is that gets me the most, i think!

like, i have another favorite story, evangelion. it's also very tragic but... there is no contrast, the atmosphere in the world of eva has always been kind of hopeless, you just calmly watched things fall apart. OMORI, on the other hand, has that added contrast, and the SUNNY route ending is more bittersweet than utterly hopeless, and maybe that's what makes me wanna crawl up the wall haha!!!!! :'D :'D :'D

so i see all of these post-ending headcanons about how the gang would hang out together, all the ships, and like. 👍👍👍!!! but i can never fully, idk, buy it? it all seems...just a tad too good to be true? like an AU or something :(

i'm not complaining at all though. i enjoy the optimistic fancontent tremendously as well; this just is how the storyline of OMORI makes me feel, and i love it for what it is (to me). long ass speech is over, entering my silly mode again

[flukeoffate]

Just some random thoughts about my own height and childhood.

I was 5’11” (roughly 181cm according to google) by the time I was 11 years old. Full grown woman at eleven.

I kinda want to know what it’s like to NOT feel like you are literally Robin Williams in the movie “Jack”, but you are a woman and somehow it feels even more unforgivable?

I looked like a grown adult in a children’s classroom. I wonder if other people have a better idea of what it feels like to grow up—I look at my sister’s kid, who is almost 13 and is still obviously a child, but a growth spurt very quickly on the way, and I’m like, wow. How are kids this short? He’s not short really, I’m just tall.

I didn’t feel like an ‘adult’ when I graduated high school. I grew up before I realized it was happening. I’d been taller than most of my teachers and my mother for years. I thought most or my peers saw me as an ogre with an anxiety problem and was into anime before it was cool, thus I was dubbed insane and childish by many people in high school. Maybe I was childish, but hey I was expected to take on adult responsibilities by the time I was 12—after all if you are adult sized, you are ready to help around the house, babysit grandma after school every day because she is senile and can’t even take herself to the bathroom anymore, and have all your homework done, before swim practice and dance class! Right? Well, what tween would NOT resort to anime or other visual media? I couldn’t handle more work. You crave distraction and fun stories are great for that kind of relief.

The point is, age wise, I was a child, and I was beholden to the rules and laws associated with childhood. Socially, people were prepared to treat me as an adult, one who often did not seem to belong. And so…after high school, I think I just turned into a person who felt like I needed permission from a higher power at all times to do things. I wasn’t rebellious. I felt like nothing had changed from school and so I followed any path that an ‘adult’ put before me. I always feel like I’m looking for approval from someone in charge. I’m still stuck in that mindset a bit and I’m nearly 40. I’m trying to break free of that mentallity…cuz I’m a fucking adult and I can’t keep looking at my peers and thinking: I must impress them with my poise, I must make myself smaller, I must use every masking technique I’ve ever learned to do with m blatant adhd just to make people like me. I keep thinking “I’m too irresponsible”, “I’m too loud”, “Now, I’m too antisocial.”

I think the Barbie Movie has me thinking about this a lot, given the plot and the characters. Like, I’m here wishing I could see myself in my teens. I have few photos. I wish I realized that I was actually really good looking…and frankly if I got past the fact that some of the peers i compared myself to weren’t ‘skinny’. They were still kids. I had regular thighs for my size. Other kids had thighs the width of my forearm. I developed a mild Barbie dislike, but not a hatred. I don’t hate dolls or Barbie at all. It was just weird. No one seemed my height till college and even then it was only a small portion of my friends.

Anyway, I’m trying to break free of all this nonsense. I’m an adult and I have a brain and ability to take my own life in my hands. I have recently replaced my ancient iMac with a top of the line model and and have reorganized my workspaces. I’m gonna work hard to get myself into some more art related pursuits, which might mean I’ll be going through an internet identity change. It’s time for a change. I want to make a little money from my art for once. I need to feel like…if my safety nets fell apart, I can climb back up.

[what-if-nct]

Tagged by @karetahana Thank you for tagging me hon🌸🌸💕

Are you named after anyone??

Kind of so my mom named me something completely different but my Grandma changed my name when she came to get me from the hospital. My first name was originally Jasmine but my Grandma changed it to Joyce cause it sounded like my Grandpa's name George. My middle name is a disaster cause my aunt chose it, its horrible and i hate and i want to change it to Jasmine. I do think Joyce fits me as a first name better though

When is the last time you cried??

Monday, the usual no one has ever loved me and never will, im fine.

Do you have any kids??

No unless my stuffed animals count.

Do you use sarcasm a lot??

Not often, sometimes.

What’s the first thing you notice about people??

Their hair, it's the first thing my eyes go to especially if it's like a bright color or a cool style.

What’s your eye color??

Brown.

Scary movie or happy ending??

Happy Ending. I just want everything to be like a Barbie movie and it works out perfectly. I didn't like the craft's ending because Nancy, Rochelle and Bonnie Deserved better. Like they didn't even do anything wrong, they were no where too taken over by power.. In this power point I will explain how Sarah was the actual problem.

Any special talents??

I can touch my head with my foot, I can even easier touch my nose with my foot, does that count? Is that a talent.

Where were you born??

Florida

Do you have any hobbies??

I collect dolls and I sew. the amount of clothes I've taken apart and sew into completely different things. I turned a long sleeve top into a spaghetti strap top and im really proud of it. I just never wear long sleeve tops unless its off the shoulder and cause it had a velvet cheetah print heart that said Bratz and cheetah print neckline I couldn't so I changed it and was able to keep the neckline intact also had to take it in cause it was pretty big in the waist.

Do you have any pets??

Yes, I have a sister. She's a good pet and I love her.

What sports do you/have you played??

I was a cheerleader and also did dance through middle and high school. Random story no one asked for I only learned to do a split out of spite because the head cheerleader while the coach was out went down the line to ask who could do a split and skipped me cause I was the biggest cheerleader. But I am unnecessarily flexible so every night I practiced doing a split and it took me like a week to do it. And I heard some of the other cheerleaders say I was only on the team to be a base. First of all I was the only bitch there with rhythm and who was good a choreography because I was also in dance. Like Just because I'm fat it doesn't mean anything. One thing about me, being fat has never stopped me from doing anything. The way other people treated me for being fat hurt as a child and was the sole reason I fell into depression and self harm. But I stopped caring what other people think a long time ago, like fuck everyone who has a problem with fat people that has nothing to with us. Their just fucking little bitches. I may have went on a tangent there.

How tall are you??

Legally 5'7 but I can't accept it so in my mind 5'8. Yes, an inch matters, my whole life was a lie.

What was your favorite subject in school??

Art and Dance, in 12th grade I had like almost all electives beside English and math and I didn't have PE! Like it was the best thing ever.

Dream job??

Princess, but like in the sense where I can wear a tiara and go to balls and be pampered but with out all the rules.

I tag @theficblog @hopeticket @dibidibidismynameisleeknow @joonsbonsailurks @jjongolese @jonghyuns-husband @ncityinthebuilding @farraige25 @simply-elegantly-kai @tremendousmasculinity , @kumigrlrl you dont have to do it if you dont want to and I also tag anyone who wants to do it.

[made-perfect-in-weakness]

My Journey to Catholicism

Feel free to read or not. I just wanted to share my experience.

When I was a child, my family didn't speak about God, or Jesus, or religion at all, really, outside an academic context. My grandfather was a Methodist minister, and when we went to visit the grandparents, we knew we had to say "oh my gosh" instead of "oh my God", and if we were there on a Sunday, my brother and I would go to Sunday School and color pictures of Noah and the Ark until our parents came back to claim us. My parents told me I could choose a religion when I got older, if I wanted to.

When I was 12 my parents were getting divorced, and I huddled in my bed after dark, listening to them fight in the room above me, and I prayed to Jesus to make them stop fighting, to keep them together, to make the nightmare end. I prayed quietly, because I didn't want anyone to hear me. I was embarrassed to be bringing up Jesus at all, but it just seemed to me like the right thing to do when you were desperate.

When I was in middle school, I started going to youth group with my best friend at a Methodist church. I was struggling a lot with family problems and emotional problems, and that youth group was the first time anyone ever said to me, "It's okay to be broken. You are loved." I started going to a small girls' group, and they let me talk about my fears without judgment, and I never really understood the God-stuff, but I kept going through all of middle school, and it helped.

When I was a sophomore in high school, most of my friends were male, seniors, and Christian. One of them started an apologetics group at his house, and we talked about religion, about Christianity, and I learned a lot. I started listening to Christian music. Part of me wanted God in my life; the other part just wanted my friends to think I was cool for being into the same things as them.

When I was a junior in high school, everything fell apart. My friends had all graduated and moved away, and my mental health was very bad, and I started hanging out with a new friend group. All of them were atheists. I followed them to parties where I drank alcohol and smoked cigarettes. I let them convince me to try marijuana. I let people use my body for their pleasure. I made bad choices, and I hated God, because my friends told me to. I made jokes about Jesus, because my friends were making jokes. I was deeply unhappy.

When I was in college, I stopped drinking and smoking pot. I slowly, nervously tried to make my way back to God. I would sneak into Methodist services on Sundays, sneaking out again at the end before anyone could stop me and try to talk to me. At the same time, I was self-harming and giving in to same sex attraction and absolutely loathing myself. I felt completely lost. Untethered. Alone.

When I was a senior in college, I met my future husband. He is good and kind and he stuck with me and supported me through a lot of my mental health struggles, including taking a leave of absence from my university and checking into a psychiatric hospital for several weeks, which was immensely helpful. We didn't really discuss religion; we knew we both were "vaguely Christian, maybe." He was baptized, I wasn't. He was raised Catholic, but hadn't been to a Mass in years. We slept together and lived together before marriage.

When I was 23, we started going to a church that met in a high school gym. They were very nice and welcoming - aggressively so. They helped us join a Bible Study, and a small group, and convinced us to come to extra services on Wednesday nights, and it started to feel suffocating. We both began to feel uncomfortable, but when we tried to step back, the church folks doubled down. They wanted us to come to more groups. They wanted to "re-baptize" my husband, and they didn't like that we were living together but wouldn't tell is why. They wanted more tithing. We both had a bad feeling about it, and so we left.

When I was 24, we joined the United Church of Christ. It was a better fit for us, and I was baptized in that church. We participated in volunteer opportunities and made some good friends. My husband lightheartedly referred to the UCC as "fake church," because Catholic church, for him, was "real church." I was too nervous to go to "real church" because I knew absolutely nothing about Catholicism and it seemed ludicrous that someone from my background could join a church like that. We left that church when we moved across the country.

When I was 27, my husband and I finally got married. We went to the courthouse with a few witnesses. A few months later, I was visiting family and my husband was walking out in the rain on Christmas Eve when a UCC pastor ushered him into the church where it was warm and dry. My husband stayed for the service, and started going there every Sunday, and joined the choir, and even convinced me to join, too. He continued to call our church "fake church," and lamented about the lack of tradition in the UCC. He liked it, but he was never fully comfortable there.

When I was 28, we moved back home and I finally agreed to give "real church" a try. We were living in my own hometown, and I'd driven past the church hundreds of times, though never been inside. I was thoroughly intimidated, but I went anyway, and was surprised to find that I liked it. He explained the Mass to me - he explained, as I called it, "the rules" to me - and I was delighted to learn as much as I possibly could. I loved the predictability of the Mass, the ritual of Reconciliation. I loved praying the rosary and reading the Catechism. I loved the hymns and the daily readings and the crucifix. I couldn't get enough. It felt right. We started volunteering at St. Vincent de Paul, and through that eventually both ended up with jobs at Catholic Charities.

When I was 29, we started RCIA. It was a small town, with only one Catholic church, and my boss was sponsoring one of my fellow catechumens, and my own sponsor was a fellow volunteer at St. Vincent de Paul. I'd gotten to know the pastor pretty well through my work at Catholic Charities. Everyone was intertwined, and I felt like I was part of a family. I felt like I was finally home. I felt whole.

When I was 30, I was confirmed and took my First Communion at Easter Vigil.

It's been 5 years since I joined the Catholic church. There have been lots of ups and downs. We moved to a different city. COVID happened, and we stopped going to church. I had to leave my job and apply for disability. I struggled with sexual sin and our marriage suffered for it. I went 3 years without going to confession because by the time I felt comfortable going out in public again after COVID, I was so ashamed of my sins I didn't even want to think about them, let alone tell them to a priest.

And then we slowly started going to Mass again. And I started to remember how much I loved it. And I was jealous of everyone taking the Eucharist, I wanted that. I wanted Jesus.

And I still didn't go to confession for several months.

But finally, one day, I was ready. I was nervous and jittery but when we got there, there wasn't even a line. And when I went to confess, the priest was kind and efficient. It felt like the entire process had been orchestrated to be as comfortable for me as possible. And then - and then I was free.

Since that day, we've been going to Mass and taking the Eucharist every Sunday, and going to Adoration on Friday nights, and going to confession when we need to. And I feel safe and comforted in a way that I haven't in a long, long time. I've been reading G.K. Chesterton and listening to worship music. I've been praying and reading the Bible.

I know it won't always be like this - I know there will be more times when I struggle. When I don't pray, or read the Bible, or even go to Mass. When I can't get out of bed, or I end up in the hospital. But knowing that God is with me always, no matter what - that he's brought me through everything so far - is what matters. Whenever I'm hospitalized, I read the psalms, and I find great comfort in them. And that will never change.

I know that God loves me - that Christ died for me. What more could I possibly want?

[someotherdog]

♥ : for a loving voicemail

♚ : for a confessing voicemail

☆ : for a drunken voicemail

♦: for an apologetic voicemail

for soapgrid!!!

♥ : ingrid didn't know why she was feeling so warm inside. no reason at all for her to be in a good mood, especially considering how awful things had been for her in recent years, but god damn it, ingrid laura sergeant woke up on the right side of the bed that morning! she thought she'd text soap, but he didn't answer the various messages she sent in a row. decidedly annoying, ingrid took her next step and actually called him, only to have to leave a message. the horror.

"heeey soapie. i know it's not very millennial of me to call you and leave a voicemail, but that's what you get for not answering my texts! i guess i don't really have anything important to say, but i was going to stop by your apartment with some starbucks and a bag of nerds gummy clusters—the berry kind, not the rainbow—but you're a loser that doesn't look at their phone, so you get nothing. just because i'm not some super tough macho military guy doesn't mean you can ignore me, y'know? i might've even splurged and taken you on a trip to target but noooo. i guess i'll have to be your sugar mama, and i mean that literally, some other day. maybe i just wanted to say thank you for letting me hang around after everything, since i'm suuuch a nice person, but you'll never know and fuck it's about to cut me of—"

shit. well, she had been rambling anyway. if that didn't get his attention, she didn't know what would.

♚ : she had her good days. she had her bad days. most of them fell into the bad category, but occasionally there was a bright blip in the darkness. a lot of those blips had to do with soap. he didn't even do much, forever a stoic man that was tall as a mountain, but sometimes it felt like he was a mountain that shielded her from things getting too dark and sometimes she wished that he would kiss her. other times, that thought made her cringe. she thought it might've been called trauma bonding or maybe it was transference, she didn't really know or care, but it felt like he was a mountain or a life raft or just fucking something. something for her to hold onto. her siblings couldn't relate to her since she got back, her parents looked at her as if she was a stranger, and all the friends she had before had moved on in ways ingrid didn't know if she would ever be able to do. it was all so stupid. she knew she shouldn't have been calling him, bothering him once again in the middle of the night. maybe that's why her call went to voicemail. perhaps soap was getting sick of her shit. she was somewhat relieved he didn't pick up.

"hey soap. i know it's very late and i call you too much. i don't really know what i wanted to say so bad that i had to call you again at four in the morning. i guess... i guess that i just wanted to thank you. it feels like my heart is missing sometimes, i don't know if you'll understand what i mean by that. but it feels like i have it back when you pick up the phone or you come get me because i haven't left my apartment in days. sometimes... soap, sometimes it feels like i love you. jesus. that was a crazy thing to say. i'm sorry. i don't know that i actually do, if that helps. yeah. shit, i'm sorry. can you pretend you never heard this? thanks. anyway... goodnight. or good morning. whatever. bye."

yeah, she was definitely relieved he didn't pick up.

☆ : ingrid had never really been a party girl. even in high school, she really only attended parties because she felt like she had to. miss teen dream, the popular nice girl that was friends with everyone and cared about her studies, but not too much or she'd be boring. as an adult, she wasn't a stranger to having a glass of wine at dinner or having a cocktail after work with some coworkers, but she hadn't tossed back shots like a college girl since she was a college girl. on that night out though, after dealing with a tough case that made her want to rip her hair out, ingrid somehow kept drinking with barely any convincing from her friends. somehow, she ended up calling soap from the back of her uber.

"ummmm, hello? soapie. how dare you not answer my call? are the fuckin' queen of england or somethi—what? no, i'm not talking to you, uber driver. i don't even know you. anyway, sooooap! will you ever tell me your fucking real name? i know your parents didn't name you after a cleaning product. i mean, i don't know much about your family or really anything about you at all, meanwhile you know, like, my social security number and how much real, actual money i spent on candy crush last summer? that's not very fair. anyway, i hope your parents didn't name you soap. this uber driver keeps giving me weird looks. i don't think he thinks soap is your true christian name either... i gotta go, i kind of feel like throwing up... anyway, learn to answer your fucking phone!"

♦ : she had been a true, honest to god mess lately. ingrid realized she had been acting erratically, but she couldn't stop herself. knowing that she was pushing people away, people that wanted to help her, made her feel sick inside. it made her feel sick inside that no one could understand why she was acting out. no one but soap. she had fucked that up too, though. soap seemed to still feel some sort of protectiveness over her. she began to resent that supposed obligation. she had spent most of her life feeling protected, the eternal damsel in distress. the love that her loved ones felt for her started to feel like a cage and ingrid finally snapped. she cussed everyone out, drank like a fish, tapped out her savings and maxed out her credit cards. no one understood. they didn't close their eyes and see what she had seen. no one but soap. the only person that could understand, and as far as ingrid knew, never wanted to speak to her again. eventually, the darkness closing all the way in, she had to reach out. even if he didn't care for her anymore.

"errr—sorry. hi. um, i didn't expect to get your voicemail. i get it, though. i wouldn't want to talk to me either. i won't take up too much of your time, if you even listen to this or maybe just delete it immediately after seeing it, but i wanted to say that i'm sorry. for all of it. i've been a terrible person for, like, an entire year now. nobody wants to deal with my bullshit anymore, which i understand, but... i don't know. it still sucks, even if i did it to myself. i think i've been going through the five stages of grief or whatever since we came back, even though no one close to me died. just like... grief over the whole situation. we never should've been out there in the first place. anyway... this is getting too long. i'm sorry, soap. let me know if you'd like to go to a movie or something someday. if not, just know i really do wish the best for you. i hope you're coping with it better than i am. military training and all that. but, um, yeah. bye, soap. thank you for saving my life, though i don't know that i deserved it."

she didn't realize she had been crying until it was over.