#I am fucking sobbing rn idk whats happening

[introvert-in-hell]

Four years later.

Four years later and I'm 15 again. Transported through time to a different freshman year. A different bedroom. A different time.

The same Minecraft server once again on my screen. The same stuffed animals surrounding me. The same cold tears burning in my eyes.

That same sickly ray of hope cutting through my darkened room, rekindling the fading embers of a crushed passion.

[iceeericeee]

I wonder how many tags i can add on to this

[spideryuu]

HUGE ME, PLEASE || SUKUNA ; ONE-SHOT

🖇ᘎ warning(s): f!reader, smut, dirty talk, pet names (baby, darling, doll, princess...). 🖇ᘎ summary: you go to your boyfriend's house to be comforted, but he seems to have a different idea about how to comfort a person. 🖇ᘎ words: 1,2k

➥ spanish ver. here

— a/n: ik i said i wasn't going to write anything smut rn, but idk, inspiration comes to me at 4am and here i am, finishing writing this. ik it's bullshit but i'm really not used to writing this kind of fics. and sorry if there's any grammatical mistake. T.T

You were outside in front of the front door of your boyfriend's house. You had doubts about whether to call or not, but the cold penetrating your bones was beginning to bother you, which made you decide to finally choose to call.

You waited a few seconds that seemed like years, and when you saw that no one came to open, you sighed and turned around, but you stopped immediately when you heard a squeak.

"Honey?" a deep voice asked behind you.

As soon as you saw Sukuna's eyes, you couldn't hold back your tears for much longer. This action worried him, but his pride was too big to just go and hug you.

"What happened?"

"Can I be whit you?" you asked, sobbing. "I can't be alone at home right now."

Sukuna nodded his head, allowing you to enter. You thanked him quietly and passed. The first thing you did was sit down, but not before taking off your shoes, and then you let out a long sigh.

The tears were no longer came out, but you were still sniffling and you felt like at any moment you were going to look like a running faucet again. Your boyfriend had sat next to you, in silent. He assumed you wanted your space and that's what he was trying to do.

“Thank you for letting me in.” you broke the silence after a few minutes.

"Y/N, you know you can always come here. Your panties are still in my closet, by the way"

"You fucking dummy." you laughed.

Some might say your boyfriend was an insensitive piece of shit, but he knew damn well that all you wanted right now was to forget about everything and just laugh until your tummy hurt.

"But you're my dummy, so I guess that's fine."

Sukuna couldn't help but smile slightly, making you nervous.

"Do you want to drink som-?"

He couldn't finish the sentence when he felt something in his arm. You huged him so bad as if he were the only thing that tied you to this world, squeezing your eyes tightly so that no tears would come out again.

"Y/N?"

"Just, let's be like this, please."

"Okay." he sighed.

He didn't like physical contact but when it was you, he always tried to make an effort knowing how much you liked to express your affection through that thing.

You both were like that for a few minutes. You still had your eyes closed and didn't try to open them until Sukuna spoke again.

"Hey Y/N."

You raised your head only to notice that a shy reddish color appeared on his cheeks, something that surprised you. You turned away immediately, thinking you had done something wrong.

"I'm so sorry, did I go too far?"

"No idiot, it's just that you've been whit your tits on my arm for too long" Sukuna said, making you now also embarrassed and understand what was happening.

“My God, I'm sorry.” you apologized again without being able to see his face.

You stood up, ready to leave and stop feeling like if you were bothering, but Sukuna grabbed your arm and asked:

"Where are you going? You don't want me to take care of this alone, do you?"

You had your head down. You couldn't understand how your boyfriend with a simple phrase could make you from extremely sad to extremely nervous; maybe a fuck was what you needed to get all those thoughts away.

Sukuna could see your desesperation, which gave him the green light to continue. He was a terrible psychologist, but when it was about your body, he was an expert.

He got up and stood behind you. You could feel his slow breathing hit your neck, warming it. With one hand he played with some of your locks while with the other one, he gently caressed your hip.

"Y/N..." he whispered again.

You could tell how desperate he was to rip your clothes off right there, but he didn't want to be so rude.

You turned around and looked at his eyes. You didn't know why, but that was enough to make you cry again. Sukuna was about to ask you, but you didn't even let him open his mouth when you put your lips against his. Surprised but not disgusted, he returned your kiss, completely forgetting about the question.

You were still crying, and it was all very strange, but you needed him to cheer you up in the best way he knew how.

You pushes Sukuna on the couch, breaking the kiss, while you stood there, staring at the noticeable bulge in his pants.

"What's wrong? Why do you stop?" he asked, holding your wrist.

"Do I seem attractive to you? I mean, do you feel like my body is okay? "

Your boyfriend looked at you, surprised to hearing such a question.

"Y/N, if I'm honest with you, the only thing I want right now is for you to sit on top of me and let me fuck you for hours. And all because of that body. Do you really think you disgust me?"

You were speechless at that response. You didn't think he was going to be, well, that honest, but now you were even more nervous.

You wanted to believe him, but something told you no, and you needed that something to shut up as soon as possible.

Sukuna gently guided you to his lap. You rested your head on his chest because it was impossible for you to see his eyes.

"Move."

But you didn't obey him.

"Y/N please, I feel like I'm going to explode if you don't move now."

"And you're not going to take off your clothes?"

He didn't answer, he just grabbed your hips and did the work for you. You let out a soft moan as soon as you felt his cold hands touching your skin, a moan that Sukuna enjoyed. He needed to hear more.

He continued moving your hips while all you could do was keep your head in his chest, feeling your pussy throb. You didn't think you could hold out like this much longer, but Sukuna seemed to enjoy watching you squirm and silently ask for him to do even more.

He wanted to hear you say it, say that you needed him. Normally at this point he would have discreetly forced you, but he was being patient since you were still bad. If it weren't for that, he would have made you have at least one orgasm by now.

"Sukuna..." you whispered between gasps.

"Hmm?" was the only thing he answered while he played with your nipples.

"Can you just?"

"Can I what?"

"Hug me. You can do it?" you asked, moaning weakly.

Your pussy was wet enough to not want a lube. You needed Sukuna to make you moan and come until you couldn't think about anything other than his cock entering and out of you roughly.

“Are you sure you just want me to do that?” he asked caressing your back and playing with the closure of your bra this time.

"Yeah..."

"You're such a hot liar, but it's alright princess. But then you will have to take care of this mess you've made down here" he smiled, wrapping you in his warm arms.

[bkaulitzz]

𝐓𝐰𝐨 𝐍𝐞𝐠𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐬 𝐃𝐨𝐧’𝐭 𝐌𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐏𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞

check out more of my stuff on wattpad >0< b_kaulitzz

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info: ANGST, fem!reader x bill, usage of Y/n, 3.1k words

synopsis: you and bill cool off at a club!

more after cut :0

your dialogue

bill’s dialogue

I gripped the bed sheets as I sniffled, the room was dark, and I could barely see him yet I knew the look that he was giving me. My chest heaved up and down, eyes were blurry as I fluttered the tears away. His hair was disheveled, eyes wide with pursed lips. "You couldn't just fucking tell me that?"

"Tell you what? That I was at fucking work?! Do I have to text you every second now?!" Bill bellowed, clenching his fists that laid by his sides.

"That's not the point, Bill, " I hoarsed through sobs. "I was worried, okay? What if you got into a car crash or something?"

"You're doing it again, no I didn't get into some fucking car crash or whatever you're worried about, " He took steps closer to the bed, looking down at me. "It's almost as if you want it to happen."

"No, I don't! I would never wish that on you, Bill, " I brokenly sobbed and he let out a heavy sigh, pacing around the room.

"That's your problem, " He stopped by our dresser, slamming his fist onto it, causing the loose screws to shake and let out a noise as they hit against the wooden holes they sat in. I flinched, watching him turn his gaze towards me over his shoulder. "You're always fucking worried, I can take care of myself. Do you know how annoying it is-"

"I just care, Bill! I just want to know that you're okay and that you'll be okay. That's all I fucking ask for, " I sniffled, the skin under my eyes burned as I wiped the tears away from my puffy eyes with the sleeve of my sweatshirt. The light from the hallway lit into our room, revealing Bill's face a bit with a beam. His mascara and eyeliner were runny from sweat or tears.

"Well, it's fucking annoying. Every second you text me to see where I am, or what I'm fucking doing-" He was cut off.

"Because I fucking care-"

"No, you're fucking insane! None of my exes have ever acted this way!-"

"Don't you dare compare me to them as if they've never done you wrong!" I snarled, pointing a finger at him as I clenched my jaw. He grit his teeth, furrowing his brows. His nostrils flared as he breathed heavily, we kept eye contact in silence for a few minutes before he parted his lips.

"I rather be with them than you, at least they knew when to leave me the fuck alone, " Bill spoke through clenched teeth. I felt my heart drop as I looked at him, my lips parted as my jaw hung low. My stomach turned as he looked at me with narrowed eyes and a frown, reaching into his back pocket. The sound of cigarettes shuffled as he pulled out the red-detailed 'Marlboro' box. "I'm gonna go smoke, I hope it lights on fire and burns the house down, " He scoffed before walking towards the bedroom door, not giving me another glance as the wood under him creaked. I bit my lip, feeling my face heat up as tears began to well up. I whimpered, falling back onto the bed, and reaching over for my phone on the bedside table. My face was lit up by the phone screen as I flipped it open.

— (these are text messages under)

AMBER (sorry if ur name is amber)

Me - 10:56 PM

"Amber answer pls."

Amber - 10:59 PM

"im here, what happened?"

Me - 10:59 PM

"he got home and the first thing we did was argue."

Amber - 11:01 PM

"again?? this is like the 7th time or somrthibg"

Me - 11:01 PM

"ik, i dont know what to do"

Amber - 11:01 PM

"well if he keeps doing this then u should dump his ass"

Me - 11:02 PM

"ik but i love him :("

Amber - 11:02 PM

"yea ik but hes toxic for u, theres sm better guys"

Me - 11:02 PM

"ig :( but hes so sweet"

Amber - 11:03 PM

"but is it worth it? for all the arguments?"

Me - 11:03 PM

"maybe its bc we r just out the honeymoon phase rn :("

Amber - 11:03 PM

"idk Y/n, ig."

Me - 11:04 PM

"we just have to see"

Amber - 11:04 PM

"okk wtv u say. also off topic but should i do pink or blue streaks?"

Me - 11:04 PM

"oh, pink, r u dying ur hair rn?"

Amber - 11:04 PM

"yea i just got it bleached. anyways, i just hope it works out"

Me - 11:05 PM

"i hope so too, im gonna go sleep now"

Amber - 11:05 PM

"sleep well, ily"

Me - 11:05 PM

"ily too"

—

I closed my phone, tossing it onto the table before pulling the blanket over me. I sniffled as I snuggled into the bed, fluttering my eyes close before drifting off.

***

My feet stood against the cold tile of the kitchen floors as I diced the potatoes. The ventilation hood let out a low hum as I boiled water on the stove, making stew for one. It's been days since we spoke, I couldn't even remember his voice by now. We barely met eye-to-eye anyway since he left early and came home late. I slid the bad piece of the potato to the side of the cutting board, continuing to cut the rest. I froze, seeing the familiar painted nails and each silver ring that fitted on each finger, snake around my waist. I bit my lip, continuing to cut the potatoes as I felt his chin rest on my shoulder.

"Love..." Bill spoke softly into my ear before placing gentle kisses on my ear lobe. "I missed you, " He continued, placing more kisses on my ear as he held me close. I stayed silent, focusing as I placed the pieces into a bowl. "I'm sorry for yelling at you...and saying all those things, " He kissed down to my neck, moving his hands onto my sides. He massaged my sides, placing long opened mouth kisses on the right side of my neck. "I didn't mean it, any of it. You're the sweetest and one of a kind...nothing can excuse what I said, " He hummed, continuing to kiss my neck. I felt my face heat up, my eyes welling up as my lip quivered. "You have to speak at some point, please?" He frowned against my skin, slowly moving his hands up my shirt. I shivered at the cold touch as he held my waist from under.

"How could you say those things to my face?" I wept, a tear falling down my cheek. He clicked his tongue, turning me around. The knife fell out of my hand and into the sink. Bill frowned as he looked down at me, his focus being on the teardrop on my cheek. He lifted my face by my chin with his finger, pecking the salty tear away. He wrapped his arms around my waist again, leaning back to look at me.

"My baby...I was having a bad day and I shouldn't have taken it out on you, " He pecked my lips, and I sniffled as I allowed him.

"You were so mean, " I whimpered, looking down at the neckline of his t-shirt.

"I know, I know, " He cupped my cheek, moving my gaze back up at him. "I'm sorry. I know you were just looking out for me, I was just so stressed, " He leaned in, placing his lips on mine again yet not pulling away this time. I reciprocated after a few seconds, closing my eyes before throwing my arms around his neck. His lips were soft and plump as I remembered each line that made up his lips. He moved his hands down and under my shirt to hold my waist again. He smiled against my lips, his hands wandering my body. I let out a pleased sigh, pushing myself against him. Bill let out a grunt, our lips moving against each other. He pulled away after a while, giving me a few pecks before his lips left. "Do you wanna go out tonight?"

"Go out? Where?" I tilted my head, moving my hands down and back against the counter I was leaning against.

"The club, since I know you love to dance...and drink, " He wiggled his eyebrows, smirking. I scoffed, rolling my eyes.

"You know I love the drinks, " I hummed, standing up. "I guess we can."

"We can go...only if you forgive me, " He bit his lip with a smile.

"Fine...I forgive you, " I rolled my eyes. He grinned, pulling me back for another kiss. I let out a huff as I widened my eyes before kissing back.

"Go get ready, " He pecked my nose, reaching back to turn off the gas stove. "I want everyone to see how beautiful you are, " He hummed and massaged my sides. I nodded with a grin, pulling away to rush to our bathroom.

***

I licked the sweet taste from the corners of my lips, sitting on a stool by the bar. Bill's hand rested on my bare thigh as he sipped his glass of whiskey. DJ announcements roared into my ears as he announced the next song, scratching playing after that. Red lights hit Bill as I turned my attention to him, his eyes already on mine as he caressed my thigh with his thumb. He stayed close as people passed by dancing or dragging their feet.

"You having fun?" He asked, tilting his head as he placed his empty glass down on the counter, that was fogged with condensation.

"I guess, we haven't danced yet, " I shrugged. He hopped off his seat, taking my hand in his to pull me out of my seat. I let go of the glass in my hand, following along as he pulled me through people.

Bill grinned as he turned to me, stepping into an empty spot. There was enough room for us but people continued to hug us in. He took my hand to his lips, kissing my knuckles before spinning me around. The music pounded into my chest as I pushed myself against him. He held my arm above my head, his jeans tickling the back of my thighs. I bit my lip as my feet stayed stagnant, and my ankles flowed with me as I moved my body against Bill. My body heated up as I did. He followed my rhythm, mirroring each body roll I did. He grinned, wrapping an arm around my waist as we continued. I laid my head back on his chest, continuing to roll my body with him. His hand snaked down to my thigh, caressing it as I grinded against him. People continue to dance around us. I reached back with my free hand, my fingers tangling with his hair as my hand held his nape. He grinned down at me and I looked up at him with a lazy smile. My hand slid from his nape to his cheek, pulling him in for a kiss. His lips pressed against mine and I closed my eyes, my gloss, and his chapstick mixing. I gasped softly, feeling his soft grasp move to my waist. Bill pulled away, turning me to face him.

"I'll be back, I need to go to the restroom, " He pecked my lips again.

"Stay safe, " I let out. He nodded in response, kissing my nose before pulling away. He pushed the people, making his way to the restroom. I lost sight of him, making my way back to the bar. I sighed, taking my seat again, and turning my whole body onto the counter. I laid my handbag in my lap, motioning the bartender over. "Get me something sweet, please, " I grinned, watching them get to work. I rested my hand as my elbow rested on the table. I frowned, looking around as the dark-haired male wasn't back or anywhere nearby. I looked down at my lap, popping my handbag open to pull out my flip phone.

—

BILL <3

Me - 12:37 AM

"bill u ok??"

—

I furrowed my brows, staring at my phone for five minutes. My palms grew slick from sweat, and I closed my phone with no response. I nibbled on my lip, watching as the drink was placed in front of me. "Thank you, " I mumbled, taking a sip as my thumb fidgeted with the fingers on my free hand. I flinched, seeing a tall figure enter my vision, but it wasn't my Bill. I kept my focus on my drink, shaking my left leg up and down against the shiny floor.

"Hey, " The low voice spoke behind me, leaning onto the counter to face me. He snapped his fingers in my face, furrowing his eyebrows. "I said hey, lady. Gosh, do girls just ignore good-looking men these days?" He scoffed. I turned my head slowly to him with an eye roll. His hair was curly, ginger. Skin pale with sharp, green eyes as they stared right into my eyes.

"What do you want?" I covered my drink with my palm. He grinned as he stared over my features, his gaze slowly going down to my cleavage. I placed my free hand over my chest, scoffing. His face was stubbled with the same hair color that sat on his head.

"What do I want? Is that how you flirt? I'm just trying to be nice here. I see a nice woman alone at the bar and I approach her, " He spoke, even though he was inches away and the air was stale, I could smell his beer breath from where I was sitting.

"No, I'm not alone. I'm here with my boyfriend, " I scoffed, sitting up straight and tightening my core.

"Well I don't see him, don't lie to me, " He snickered, a hand reaching out for my shoulder. I widened my eyes, instinctively picking up my drink and throwing it in his face. He clenched his eyes shut, covering his eyes with a hiss. "You fucking bitch!" He growled. I slammed the glass down, sliding off my seat before running to the restroom. I pushed past people, the music growing distinct as I made it to the long hallway. My heels clacking and echoing through them.

"Bill! Bill!" I called out with a cry. I froze in my steps, hearing loud kissing noises and small groans. I took a turn, the kisses only becoming louder. I felt my heart sink, seeing familiar brunette hair with pink streaks tangled into his polished fingernails. Bill's eyes were shut closed as his lips moved against Amber's. His hands on her in a way that he would never touch me the same. I covered my mouth, feeling my face heat up, my eyes blurry as my stomach turned. Her hands were on him, places where I knew he was weak. I felt my knees shake, the pain in my feet from the heels where I once felt like I floated.

"Fuck...I love you, Amber, " He breathed against her lips. She smirked against his lips, moving her kisses down to his neck. He groaned, throwing his head back, his eyebrows knitting as her hand trailed down. I bit on my lip harshly, clenching my fists as they moved down to my sides. I dug my nails into the vegan leather that made my hand bag, turning around. I breathed heavily, my chest heaving as I stormed away. My face was damp by now, and I looked down as I moved past people, making my way out. Once the cold air hit me as I made it past the bouncer, I let out sobs, my chest heavy as I wiped away my tears. I looked at my hand, it was covered by the runny mascara and foundation I had on.

"God, how could they?" My throat was sore already from breathing uneasily, taking out my phone for a taxi.

***

I couldn't eat or sleep, staying in bed all day. The makeup from three days ago was still on my face with small residue as I laid in sweats. I held my pillow, hoping that the next sound from downstairs would be Bill opening the door with flowers in hand. Yet, I was disappointed after each small creak, having nothing come in return. I sat up, the sheets shuffling against me as I leaned against the headboard. I reached for my phone, gritting my teeth as I dialed her.

"What?" The feminine voice answered.

"I thought you fucking cared about me, " My breath was going at a familiar pattern from days ago, my nostrils flaring as my nails dug into my palm.

"I mean...why did you think I was trying to get you to break up with him?" Amber yawned.

"He's gonna do the same to you, " I snarled. She sighed, rustling could be heard from the other end.

"I don't think so...I mean. Why do you think he always comes home late?" She responded. I could feel the smirk on her face and scoffed, wiping the tear that rolled down my cheek.

"I don't even know you anymore, Amber, " I sniffled.

"When did you ever?" She breathed. Small kissing noises could be heard with more rustling.

"Who's on the phone, babe?" A masculine voice groggily spoke.

"No one, Bill, go back to sleep, " She giggled softly as kisses noises followed. "Stop, babe, " She whined softly as more kisses followed.

"How can I? You're so beautiful, " He murmured. I felt my throat form a lump, my stomach turning as if I could vomit right there and then. I clenched my jaw, putting my lips to the speaker.

"Fuck you both, " I snarled through bared teeth, closing the phone shut, tossing it aside. I sniffled, wiping my eyes one last time, before heading to the shower.

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WRITTEN BY MEEE

bill, bill kaulitz, angst, sad, kaulitz

[fictionfixations]

the dawn knight in place of yuu

MAJOR JP BOOK 7 SPOILERS

(anyway i like calling him the knight of dawn but also thats too many words for a name im going to be repeating a lot throughout this post so dawn knight)

okay so. i was thinking about a fic to write where a character had a part of themselves appear somewhere else? like ive been getting into omniscient reader but i have a diff story im trying to commit to rn so i cant really write something with it when i dont really know shit that happens besides like end game spoilers lOl

but i find the idea of like the 49/51 (?) interesting? i think thats the right numbers. no context to people who dont know what that means but that part broke me even though all i know about omniscient reader is by reading a shit ton of orv fanfiction. my heart man... sob.

but so anyways my mind wandered to the dawn knight

kudos to that like one fic where the dawn knight's soul appeared and attached itself to yuu except i read it when i didnt even know who he was but i thought maybe he was a buddy of lilia so im just reading and getting confused on like no why you no like lilia what (also he doesnt remember iirc and i think that was just like a instinctual feeling cause yknow humans vs fae??) but uh i know context now lMFAO

but like

just imagine this person who looks like silver but blonde. who doesnt remember who he is (as hes kind of more of just a fragment of his soul? but like he appears in NRC and not RSA because he still has a lingering attachment towards silver. wanting to see him grow because he never got the chance to)

who worries over silver

is a little nervous around fae, but maybe this is ooc but like without all the pressure from what the fuck was his name henrik(??) and like the people around him who are all anti-fae, cause he wouldve liked it if they couldve been in peace and stuff yknow? and also without those memories so its not too difficult for him to get past that and see them as people who will probably not harm others (LOOK i just want twst characters to be happy man cause everything is so sad :((( )

anyway lilia has grown since then and doesnt hate humans. maybe he doesnt exactly know how to feel about the dawn knight (UM like cause meleanor. or is it maleanor? i think thats EN spelling but tbh if not for en i wouldnt know how tf to spell it. but uh ykNOW.. he kinda. uh. still killed.)

but then maybe it becomes clear that this dawn knight (who needs an actual name. dawn sounds too on the nose and i dont think lilia associates dawn with positive feelings considering when maleanor died didnt it turn dawn or something. and then they broke down because shes DEAD.???)

is not the same dawn knight he met so long ago.

like

idk

think about it in like a. okay im pulling out honkai star rail examples now. but think of it maybe like dan feng and dan heng where they're like reincarnations of each other? but not the same person? (some people think of them as still the same considering i think(? its been a hot minute since i went through story) those memories of those reincarnations are then shared to other incarnations to help them in high elder duty thingy whatever its called but i think of them as entirely different people who happen to look similar)

i guess you could view it as a 'i once was [this], but now im this and im not the same person who did all those things'

EDIT: I AM WRONG. 2.5 spoilers but its mentioned that someone made dan heng remember his past life so its NOT canon that they remember their past life. "...led her to perform certain healing arts on Dan Heng, who had just finished his hatching rebirth, so that he would regain the memories of his past life?" but anyway thats how it turned out so uh just pretend that i mean reincarnating/past life type deal but stlil having some of those memories of the former life

idk maybe theres some lilia treating him as another son since like. all three of them are orphans who were taken in???? like its implied parallel of lilia being taken in by the mal... dRACONIA family sorry i forgot the last name om. and the dawn knight being taken in by the whoever is in charge. like the dad of henrik(?) and that person whose name i cant remember i think it was leah who the dawn knight liked and married? but so anyway they both got taken in by a family and owe them a debt and fight for them (and care for them. although idk about henrik ew, but he was also like. wanting princess glow(???) which could supposedly grant wishes i think to like cure their ill father, and saying that the dawn knight should do it for leah or something? i cant remember but he convinced him with something something leah)

i dont know where im going with this thought but like. i remember the dawn knight said something like. if things could be different? but like it cant be because they've gone too far now to forgive each other? but like he wanted there to be peace.

i remember thinking about lilia's wish in the wish upon a star event, maybe it was similar i cant recall exactly

Lilia: My wish is... ...for humans, fae, and all other species to live in harmony. [Img of the wishing star] Trey: Haha, wow. That's a pretty ambitious wish. Lilia: To join joyous hands with one another is no simple feat, even for those among the same species... To say nothing of the difficulties across species divides. You've learned about our history, have you not? All the countless tales of our failure to compromise, and the resulting conflicts? I have no desire to see such history repeated. So I make the same wish every Starsending.

like the dawn knight expressed regret that it had to be this way and wanted things to change but it was far too late. but like. he never did that stuff now (well lilia will remember so poor grandpa but. he's also been really forgiving towards humans when doing it for someone? like he endures it? like when he was searching for a way to hatch malleus and these people were really against lilia for being fae when he just existed, and he didnt fight back because it would paint a bad picture for the draconias? there was another example related to silevr but i cant remember it im. not what i was thinking about but theres also when he contemplated killing baby silver but changed his mind because he'd been trying to teach malleus to like. 'walk in time with his neighbor' and so and so and i forgot what he said but that how could he do that when he should be like setting an example for malleus or something right?)

also silver learning who his parents are in a maybe less traumatic way (like NOT running away knowing malleus' mom might die and then oh shit the ceiling collapsed and IS THAT THE ENEMY oh god please dont let malleus' egg be hurt and then he shares the same face as me? and that ring-- cue silver hating himself and being dragged in by darkness and i am just sobbing my eyes out like no silver he loved you so much :((( )

and even if lilia still holds anything against the dawn knight. still has lingering feelings even towards this not-dawn knight. that he wouldnt want to condemn the dawn knight, and then have silver condemn himself for being of that blood even though he didnt even do anything yknow?

and then when lilia dies he can meet up with the ghosts of maleanor and raverne (is that spelled right? i genuinely cant remember the EN spelling but it was something like that. uhh.??) and i know thats sad but i want lilia to be able to spend more time with maleanor and raverne too yknow? but im not sure how to do that

maybe. like the. the the . council? i cant remember its name fshuidfh but those assholes who appeared when we made it to. blackscale(?) castle... ? i. forgor. maleficia(THATS GRANDMA RIGHT?? i get so confused by who is who in draconia) castle??

but like when we get there with malleus' egg and then maleanor dies

and theres just these voices of long dead old geezers who are bitches to lilia and i hate them and i dont know how they're still there and can talk but i dont want maleanor there because they're horrible. also they literally said her sacrifice was like noble or some shit like that and im just like BITCH- (also lilia is banned from the capital or something isnt he?? like i mean he can still visit the castle. but secretly. but still :( )

so i just think.

fully getting over stuff. heart demons. talking things out. lilia gets to talk about stuff for the first time in awhile (remember when like literally no one talked about the circumstances regarding malleus' birth or something so silver and sebek just had no idea what they were getting into??? and like i guess he could talk to baul? baur? idk which one is the one on EN i forgor. but idk man.)

not-dawn knight being a really good listener. being understanding, sharing his input where appropriate. and like he also gets some of his memories which put a lot of things into proper context. and so sharing thoughts of so and so. and just. basically this talk that spirals into moving on.

sharing frustrations, sharing things that never really got to be known.? like regrets, etc etc

since i think the last time they met was when silver father reveal, and time passed and he died so its just all these lingering things that never got to be said out loud for various reasons. like maybe because company is against so and so so to say something would be like idk maybe traitorous? i dont think thats the right word but words are hard and i keep forgetting words the moment i need them

its like. the unique point of view of talking about things between former enemies. like how they viewed things, etc etc

and then when lilias lived a full life, no regrets, he meets maleanor and raverne in the afterlife.

oh yeah also about his dorm i have no fucking idea. i honestly mostly forgot what each dorm represents but either ramshackle or diasomnia, which i know is like nobility or something? but anyway dawn knight married a princess, also i associate diasomnia with fae / briar valley which is related considering hes book 7 stuff so im pushing him there anyway

or maybe the mirror cant read him because his soul is fragmented. or maybe retcon and his soul isnt like that? idk but i like to think the other part of his soul is in the afterlife with his wife yknow? and eventually silver will be there and able to meet his mom and huggies, and acknowledging that these are who his parents are, but also that lilia is also his parent and the one who raised him yknow? there can be more than two parents in my eyes.

its just that his soul is like in half because of the part of him that wants to have seen silver grown. i think i said this earlier in the post but that since the last time he saw silver was as an infant (also he had blonde hair so-)

also wasnt infant silver asleep for like hundreds of years until it was either because someone who loved him came by (lilia) or because the spell finally wore off (which is what lilia thinks. i dont know where to put my two cents at tbh of which i think is right)

so dawn knight just sitting there in the afterlife like. ..man. my childs still not here. i mean. thats a good thing that they're not dead but like. i kinda wanna see them.

or well silvers the only one so i should be saying he but gidfhuj

also it was either leah or leia i am a dumbass? maybe leah was the EN one. idk i forgot.

anyway thats enough yapping for me

[cicimunson]

What You Deserve

Author's Note: I'm easing back into writing, so this fic is super short but it's basically therapy for me rn. I do plan to resume all my series, gonna be on here much more.

Story Summary: You get your heart broken, and Eddie is there for you.

Ship: Eddie Munson x Female Reader

Word Count: 1.2k

Warnings: Reader is really fucking sad, there's a stabbing joke, idk if that would bother someone but just in case.

You burst into Eddie’s trailer without knocking, practically sprinting down the hall to his room and flinging open the door. He and his friends jump when you barge in, startled, Gareth practically falling off the bed.

“Jesus, Y/N do you knock-” Eddie trails off as he notices your tear streaked face. “Alright guys, out.” He says immediately, waving a hand dismissively.

Jeff groans. “You’re kicking us out? We’re in the middle of campaign plotting!”

“Out!” Eddie repeats, pushing them towards the door.

“Of course his girlfriend ranks above us guys, don’t act surprised.” Dustin teases, tugging on Jeff’s arm.

“She’s not my girlfriend, for the millionth time.” Eddie rolls his eyes. He wishes though.

“Mhmm, tell us that the next time you kick us out.” Gareth grumbles.

“You don’t…Eddie, never mind, I didn’t realize you were busy.” You manage to choke out.

Dustin whirls towards you when he hears the pain in your voice and realizes you’re sobbing. “Nah Y/N, it’s totally okay, we were pretty much done.” He smiles sympathetically before elbowing Jeff in the ribs.

“I’m sorry.” You mumble.

“It’s okay Y/N, we really were wrapping it up.” Jeff pats your arm as they leave.

As soon as they’re out the door, Eddie pulls you into his arms, hugging you tightly. “Sweets, what’s wrong? What happened?”

You start to sob again, burying your face in his shoulder. “He chose her. He told me he was moving on and he chose her.”

“Oh fuck. I’m so sorry. Fuck.” Eddie snuggles you closer, stroking your hair. “You deserved better than that fucking prick anyways.”

You sniffle. “Stop, he wasn’t a prick. He told me we’d never be together and I kept on deluding myself into thinking we would somehow.”

“He also told you he was in love with you knowing that you two could never be. He never should have told you. He should have left you alone.”

“Stop, you always blame other people when I’m upset. This was on me. I saw him pulling away and I knew he was trying to move on and I still held on to hope. It just hurts. I was so fucking stupid.”

“Don’t ever say that about yourself again.” Eddie says sternly, brushing tears from your face with his thumb.

“It’s true. Of course he chose her. She’s perfect. She’s skinny and beautiful and uncomplicated and everything I’m not. I knew. I fucking knew he was gonna choose her.”

“Stop it. You are fucking perfect and if he can’t see that, if he can move on like you’re nothing, he’s the fucking stupid one.”

Eddie’s heart is breaking for you. To see you sobbing and hysterical, to see you so fucking broken, it’s almost more than he can take. You were the most amazing person he’d ever known, and he hated the guy for making you doubt that.

“I want him to move on and be happy, he deserves it. But I didn’t know it was gonna hurt this badly. I know it’s selfish but I can’t help but think “What about me? What am I supposed to do?”

“It’s not selfish. You are allowed to feel whatever you feel. Your feelings are valid and fuck anyone that makes you feel otherwise.” Eddie insists, hugging you close again. “I’ve got you, okay? I’m here for you, always.”

“Can we lay down? Please? I’ve cried to the point of exhaustion.” You mumble. All you’d done the entire day was sob and your eyes were so swollen you could barely hold them open.

He pulls you onto the bed with him, shifting onto his back so that you can rest your head on his chest. “Anything you need, sweets. I’m right here.” He murmurs, kissing the top of your head.

“Thank you. I’m really sorry that I interrupted your stuff with your friends.”

“Don’t apologize. You needed me. I’d drop anything if you needed me.” Eddie admits, grateful that you can’t see the blush creeping up his neck.

“You’re so sweet. I don’t know what I would do without you.” You lean up and kiss his cheek. “I’m so lucky to have you.”

He blushes more. “You’ll always have me, Y/N.”

“Your face is red, are you hot?” You start to lean back but he tugs you against him again.

“I’m fine. Stay.” He insists.

You snuggle into his arms, reaching a hand up to twist a lock of his hair around your fingers. Your tears stop after awhile, your sniffles subside. Eddie rocks you in his arms, humming a song soothingly.

“He broke my heart, Eds.” You whisper after a bit. “And I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay again.”

“You will. In time you won’t even remember him. Someone will mention his name and you’ll draw a blank. I promise you.” 

“I don’t want to forget him. I just want the pain to stop.”

“It will, baby. Just give it time. And do whatever you need to do to feel better. Your feelings, your mental health, that’s what matters right now and fuck anyone that can’t see that.”

“You’re so insanely loyal, you know that? I could kill someone and you’d say it was their fault for running into my knife.”

“Shouldn’t have been running around sharp objects, totally their fault.” He quips, smoothing your hair as you look up at him. “Seriously, you will find happiness again. You don’t need anyone else to be happy. It comes from you, sweets.”

“You’re amazing, you know that, right?” You smile at him and realize it’s the first time you’ve smiled in days.

“There’s that gorgeous grin, I’ve missed that.” He can’t help but run his thumb over your bottom lip. Your breath hitches and your lips part as if they have a mind of their own.

Eddie groans softly, eyes fixated on your mouth. “Sweets…” His tone carries a warning.

You close off the space between the two of you and kiss him. Eddie returns the kiss, caught up in a moment of weakness. He should stop this. You’re not in the right mindset. But he indulges for a few more seconds before pulling away.

“We can’t.” He murmurs. “You need time and I understand that.”

You blush, starting to pull away from him. “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”

He tugs you back, shaking his head. “No, I’m glad you did. And I want to revisit this, when you’ve gotten over your heartbreak. I don’t want to be a rebound or a way to forget about him. I want to know that it’s real, Y/N, cause it’s real for me.”

“It is for me, too. But I agree, I need some time to process and move on from this.”

“Of course, sweets.”

~~~~~~~~~~

And Eddie does that. He gives you space and time, staying by your side to help you through your heartbreak. He holds your hand, he makes sure you eat and get some sleep, he listens to you cry and vent and scream and do everything you need to do to move on.

And one day someone brings up the guy you lost in conversation. Eddie’s eyes immediately flicker over to you, frowning.

But you’re okay. You barely register his name, your expression doesn’t change. You nod politely when someone tells you he’s engaged now, no trace of sadness or remorse on your face.

And that night, Eddie kisses you again for the first time in months. He cups your face and holds you close and tells you that he’s proud of you, that you’re amazing, and that you’re all his. Because after all, being happy with Eddie is what you deserve.

~~~~~~~~~~

Tag list: @cluz1babeabe @aunicornmademedoit @neewtmas @harrystylesandthegoobs @cancankiki @cal-is-not-on-branding @cltopp199999

[quodekash]

whoop im back (was stressed and forgot to post my thoughts), here's we are episode whatever-last-week-was

we’re like 5 mins in and im already on the verge of tears, i just love this show so much

WHAT THE FUCK DUDE THAT WAS SO FUCKING TENDER

“i want to be water. i want to be the reason you feel good” WHAT THE FUCK DUDE DONT MAKE ME SOB LIKE THAT

WTF THAT WAS THE CUTEST MOST TENDER LITTLE CHEEK KKSS I EVER SAW

WE’RE 10 MINS IN AND THEYRE ALREADY KISSING

I KNOW THEYRE THE MAIN COUPLE AND THEY FINALLY FIGURED OUT THEIR FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER BUT HOLY FUCKIGN SHIT THAT MIGHT BE A RECORD

i do love it tho

frankly i quite enjoy when they kiss

AND THEY KISS A G A I N ????

DUDE WTF

GENUINELY THIS MIGHT BE A RECORD

there’s something so beautiful about being fully clothed in a pool with your crush, kissing him passionately twice, and then pushing him away and splashing him with water and it immeditaely turns into a water-splashing-fight

they just made out twice in that photo

I just love it

I fucking love toey so much, just skateboarding right into his (unofficial) boyfriend’s class

bro this ep so far has just been fluff after fluff after fluff, my heart can barely take it

ITS A BABY BIRD

HE FOUND A BABY BIRD

OR MAYBE A HURT BIRD

HOLY SHIT IM DEFINITELY GONNA CRY

HE NAMED IT PENGUIN 😭😭😭

idk much about fans but this feels final coded somehow

NO STOP ITS TOO DOMESTIC

I JUST STOPPED CRYING ABOUT THE BIRD

FUCK

I LOVE FLUFF SO MUCH

phUM-

thEYRe SO fuCKKIN G DOmesTIC

(need y'all to know that those two messages when spamming my friend were four minutes apart)

I LOVE IT WHEN MY CHARACTERS ARE COMMUNICATING

IT MAKES ME STIM HARDER THAN WHEN THEY KISS

I JUST GET ALL GIDDY WHEN THEYRE BEING HEALTHY IN THERI RELATIONSHIPS

...you mean lady and the tramp????

HIS GIDDY LITTLE EXXPRESSION AS HIS BOYFIREND DANGLES A LITTLE PIECE OF SPAGHETTI OVER HIS FACE GIJKERGSB

THEY KISSEEEE

theres so many kisses and so much communication in this episode, i might actually die

AAAAAA TANFANG ARE FUCKING BOYFRIENDS GEIRJDGBRJKBGJR

theyre also fucking

well like. almost.

spicy makeout at the very least

Love that for him

real tho

NO BUT HE TRIES TO CHEERS PUN AND CHAIN, WHO IN A MONUTE AREA BOUT TO LADY AND THE TRAMP UNO SPAGHETTO

WTF MATT

THEY WERE LITERALLY ABOUT AN INCH FROM KISSING

YOU FUCKING RUINED IT MATT

good

WHAT

TF????

I definitely am

story's reactions to phumpeem specifically are sending me

THE WAY HE JUST CHUGS IT

you cant tell me that shriek wasnt "FUCKING CALLED IT"

truly felt it in my soul

I think ive done almost exactly the same thing before when being right about something (because it truly happens very rarely)

Beer’s fully just nodding at them both cos hes known for WEEKS

or at least suspected it

OKAY SO NEXT WEEK: -chainpun are raising Penguin the bird together (holy fucking shit) -q is FINALLY asking toey to proper date him -Q APPEARS TO BE IN A BAND WITH BEER ON DRUMS AND CHAIN ON GUITAR IM GONNA CRY -fang’s hair looks amazing -PHUMPEEM BEACH AND ALOS THERES A HORSE?? -phum hitting on peem literally right in front of q and his expression is priceless

bro literally fangirling so hard rn

[cressthebest]

Art Heist, Baby! thoughts pt. 12

chapter 30:

1. sirius pov fuck yeah

2. ..frank that mf used sirius’ deepest and most secret thoughts about reg against him. i’m pissed beyond belief

3. i know i say it a lot, but i love how bitter sirius is about reg and barty’s brotherhood

4. he chose the marauder + reg crew and i’m very worried. i still don’t trust peter

5. sirius will choose reg over everyone but remus every single time. and i love him. sirius drops his life on the good side and drops his freinds and frank and pandora all to go back to reg.

6. i’m so glad both james and sirius trust remus enough to BOTH tell him. i love that remus is james’ best friend. it’s healing

7. i was so optimistic the heist would go right. idk why i was surprised and still am surprised

8. james’ phone call to his mum is gonna break me so bad

9. shit i’m sobbing on the bus over this phone call. his mum loves him no matter what. fuck, this hurts so bad

10. 😳😳😳 they’re about to fuck i think

11. oh shit wait reg is crying

12. i hate knowing in my heart that peter betrayed them. cause everyone is guessing the mole. everyone is worried. nobody knows. but I KNOW. ASK ME!!! I KNOW THE MOLE!! THIS FOLLOWS CANON BITCH

13. marlene and dorcas being the richest lesbians in the world <333333

14. 😳😳😳 oh shit they might actually fuck this time

15. oh shit they fucked

16. oh shit wait what’s happening. it’s one am and they’re getting up. what’s happening

17. “James tried not to read too much into the fact that while he was in a sex induced, euphoric, sleep, Regulus was thinking about the heist and traitors and not about how amazing their day had been. Well, maybe he had done both. If anyone could multitask, it was Regulus.” 😭😭😭

18. oh. reg thinks it’s lucius that turned them in. i have… suspicions about that. it seems too easy of a fix.

19. 😳😳 tom riddle is lucius’ new business partner

20. he signed the sunflower note R.A.B. i’m gonna sob. that’s probably his last note ever, jsut like in canon. i’m so scared. jesus. i’m crying rn and nothing bad has happened yet

21. evan in barty’s room 😳😳 i was right about the rosekiller.

22. barty and evan are “james-napping” him. my beloveds <3333

23. james would marry regulus tomorrow if he asked. james would. marry. him. tomorrow. he would marry him. tomorrow ifheaskdjdjdhuejdk

24. reg is back alive, thank god

25. reg is trying to join him in the shower, but the door is locked 😭😭 james is so funny

26. jesus, that’s a lot of money. i’m just flabbergasted that that much money even exists in this world

27. 🤢🤢🤮🤮 severus

28. official apologies to peter. i never doubted you bud

[ohmyeyesmyeyes]

i love my fans - trevor zegras

trevor zegras instagram au x f!author

fc: i tried to stick to zendaya but there weren't many pictures that could fit contextually

warnings: swearing + a confused non-nhl-fan-reader

liked by stephbohrer, zoeydeutch and 451,243 others

ynofficial: thank you to everyone who made it to the la signing in anaheim today, you're all so beautiful!! (p.s. the first two photos were from an interaction i had when this guy walked into my signing, stopped and said he was sorry but he was in the wrong place and walked back out with a crowd following him. i am very confused, but he was very polite about it all and honestly it was kind of hilarious. to them: i hope you found where you were meant to be and made it on time!) i love my fans

view all comments

fan1: omg no way that happened

fan2: you were beautiful too!

fan3: babe that's literally trevor zegras

ynofficial: who?

jamie.drysdale: trevorzegras humbling moment for you

liked by jhughes and 231,248 others

trevorzegras: met a lot of you today and had a lot of fun doing it ;) i love my fans but i do have to apologise for my lateness, i accidentally crashed a book signing and the author herself was incredibly understanding when i ran into her a couple of minutes ago! unfortunately she had to run and i never got her name but this was one of the two pictures i got before she left. help a guy out?

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jamie.drysdale: ynofficial

fan: not jamie doing the hard work and it going unnoticed

fan4: i feel like that's such a z thing of you to do

fan5: she's literally so fucking pretty

fan6: that's y/n l/n and i'm pretty sure you guys went to the same college at the same time

ynofficial: so this is trevor zegras? wow i get what you guys mean now

trevorzegras: i'm scared. who is 'you guys' and what did they mean?

fan7: i'm never going to recover from this

fan8: if this goes well this is one hell of a meet-cute

liked by monicabarbaro, devonleecarlson and 438,742 others

ynofficial: friends in la

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fan9: effective method in shutting down the rumours i'll give you that

fan10: trev being friendzoned made me laugh

fan11: they've literally only known each other a couple of weeks slow down

fan12: why is there a pin needle in your mug?

fan13: the flowers are gorgeous!

ynofficial: a little present for myself from myself ;)

liked by tterry199, lydianight and 183,868 others

trevorzegras: shenanigans

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fan14: trevor in his active era pop off king

fan15: it's the way every time he posts she's always in it

fan16: fr he's only active because she gives him something to post about

fan17: i know we don't ship people irl but i think i am rn

fan18: THEY MATCH EACH OTHER'S ENERGIES SO WELL

fan19: she took him on her tour??????? i'm sobbing

fan20: she looks so comfortable with him :)

liked by trevorzegras, pierregasly and 436,763 others

ynofficial: my time in la has been a whirlwind to say the least but this post goes out to trevorzegras and trevor zegras only. it took about three weeks for trevor to become my favourite person and now the thought of carrying on this tour without him is kind of daunting, but we move. i just wanted to say that i'm gonna miss him a lot. and that i'm starting to get the hang of this ice hockey thing.

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fan21: it's one am on a monday and you're making me cry already

fan22: STOP IT RN

fan23: idk nor do i care if they're dating but they're too cute not to be soulmates in some realm

fan24: i'm melting with the way he looked at her in the 2nd pic

fan25: wife him up immediately that man is whipped

liked by ynofficial, jamie.drysdale and 153,285 others

trevorzegras: as much as i want you to stay with me in la, i know you need to carry on being the incredible writer and human being you are. just know that you'll always be welcome to stay with me when you come back. i'm so unbelievably proud of my favourite person.

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fan26: just get married already

fan27: this is killing me

fan28: it's the way they look at each other it's sending me into cardiac arrest

fan29: she's just honestly breathtaking

liked by trevorzegras

jhughes: i'm not saying anything

liked by colecaufield, _quinnhughes and 212,863 others

trevorzegras: your favourite hooligans reunited and took NYC by storm

view all comments:

fan30: THEY LOOK SO HAPPY

fan31: you can tell it's been a long 5 months for them both

jamie.drysdale: fucking finally

fan32: jamie's been through something there

fan33: please never keep them apart again

tagged: trevorzegras

liked by trevorzegras, jackhughes and 532,974 others

ynofficial: fuck soft launches and all that jazz. this my man

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tagged: ynofficial

liked by ynofficial, deuxmoi and 281,235 others

trevorzegras: i love my fans (a whole damn lot)

comments for this post have been restricted

ynofficial: smug bastard

jamie.drysdale: that's what i've been trying to tell you

[lookismaddict]

Lookism Chapter 430 Memes/Thoughts I Have:

(SPOILERS !!! I don’t own any of the Lookism panels and the translations. Only the memes that I made.)

I ALREADY KNOW EVERYBODY ON TUMBLR IS GOING CRAZY OVER THIS CHAPTER RN. I STG. 💀💀💀💀 (But same guys… 👀) AND HERE ARE THE REASONS:

Honestly, all of us in this chapter because it’s gonna be a DOOZYYY. 🤭

Oh boy. Back to this photo again.

I kinda already had a feeling this was the case because why did Charles freak out during that time when he visited Daniel?

Ooooooo, new ally? 🤔

Uhhhhh…. 😬

SURE JAMES… YOU MAY LOOK LIKE AN ANGEL, BUT I FOR SOME REASON DON’T TRUST YOU. AFTER THAT LITTLE STUNT YOU PULLED WITH THE WORKERS AND YOU BETRAYED CHARLES CHOI, I DUNNO… KINDA FISHY TO ME. 😑 (I have a feeling he’s going to betray Daniel… maybe. Idk that’s just my hunch.)

Uh ha ha, Mr. James Lee… WE KNOW WHERE THIS MAN IS AT!! 

DANIEL I DON’T TRUST JAMES. PLSSSSSSSSS NOOOOO. NOT YET.

Bruv. LMAAOOOOO NICE SAVE, IG. James be like, “Uh... ok?” 💀

Oh god, oh god, oh god oh god... Jake and Lineman....

Bro, I bet most people forgot that this was a war amongst TEENAGERS. 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

The crazy eyes, bruh. I cannot... 😬 

Awww, Ryuhei... 😭 Missing Samuel. ❤️

Literally Ryuhei @ Samuel Seo:

HELLOOOOOOO????? PTJ????? YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID WITH THAT PANEL, SIR. IT WAS YOUR DECISION TO DRAW THAT. WHY DOES HE HAVE A GAG, AND WHO’S IS IT???? KINKY ASS- 👁👄👁 

BRUHHHH IM SCREEEAAAAMMMINGGGSAHJDKFHLDJ!!!!!!!

HELLO??? NEW GIRL CRUSH???? 👀👀👀👀

Oh...

Well I expected that she was working for them. Sorry Samuel, ya done now- 

Oh... x2 Poor Johan, Samuel, and Daniel bruh. R.I.P. Ayo, Workers First Affiliate???? HOLD ON NOW-

DANIEL BEING THE BOSS ASS BITCH THAT HE IS!!!!! YESSSSS KIIIIINNNGGGG. YOU GO AND MAKE YOUR OWN CREW AND THEN GO BEAT THEIR ASSES!!! 😤😤😤 (Even though I believe that’s what Gun wanted from him in the first place from that one chapter.) ALSO DAMN, LOOK AT DANIEL’S MUSCULAR YET BROAD BACK. MODEL MUCH? 😩😩

THE 3 BIG J’S ARE BACKKKK!!!!!!!!  I GOT CHILLS, BUT IN A GOOD WAY.

WAIT, DANIEL. IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS??????? PLSSSSSSSSSS

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! *VELOCIRAPTOR SCREECHES* OMGGGGGG!!!!! JAAAAAYYYYYY, OUR KING IS BAAAAACCCCKKK!!!!! IM CRYING, PISSING, AND SHITTING MYSELF RN. OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN FUCKING HEARD, LETS GOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! 😤😤😤😤😫😫😫😫😫😫😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 HE LOOKS SO FUCKING GOOD BRUH, I CANT. IM SOBBING RN. YOU DONT KNOW HOW HAPPY I AM TO SEE THIS MAN AFTER 200+ CHAPTERS. 

OHHHHHHHHHHH SHIT. ANOTHER MEMBER TOO? WHO IS ITTTTT???????? 

Bruh. I’m betting it’s the Hudson dude who Daniel fought with. If not, then I’m guessing Vin Jin. OR TAESOO MA. Those are my two guesses. PERO OVERALL, THIS MF CHAPTER ASDGHFASKJDFHASKJFHSADKHJF. SO MUCH WAS GOING ON HERE. I feel bad for Big Deal for being forced into hiding like that. I just hope that they join with Daniel’s crew eventually so that they can beat the Workers. Also, free ya bois Samuel, Johan, and Daniel’s 2nd body. They really need it rn. 😔🙏🏽 AND WE GET TO FINALLY SEE JAYYYYYYYYYY!!!! OUR SOFT KING.  DANIEL PARK’S KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR. 😭😭😭😭💕💕💕💕 I CAN’T WAIT FOR THE NEXT ONE. SHIT IS GONNA KEEP GETTING INTERESTING FROM HERE ON OUT. 

(ALSO, I’M SORRY THAT THERE’S LESS MEMES IN THIS CHAPTER. THERE’S TOO MANY THINGS HAPPENING AND I CAN’T SEEM TO THINK OF GOOD IDEAS BECAUSE THEY’RE ALL MOSTLY SERIOUS.) 

[cthoniian]

hi. thought the ooc was at an end eh? wronggggg.

so. things are still up in the air with my mom. none of it good. i currently have a little extra time on my hand. but im desperately chasing dopamine. so. im going to probably just??? do whatever drafts / asks strike me from whenever vs trying to get to my oldest first.

im also not claiming that anything will happen. sometimes it’ll just be me posting ooc all day. i am so fucking depressed and anxious i can barely function. so.

all my bad qualities!! about to be worse.

if you’re interested in writing on discord lmk. thats where im gonna direct as much of my attention as i can rn. bc it offers me a chance for, hiding???? idk.

im really not okay and it’s nothing anyone can do because life is a fucking dick and i have to function the best i can.

im also in a lupus / eds flare and i feel fucking awful even aside from what’s going on with my mom.

long story short, her cancer has seemingly metastasized into her blood? so it isn’t a tumor, but just, cancer in her bloodstream. and her mobility and pain and mental health has been officially going down. she’s currently in a specialised health / rehab facility for likely about a week. and we won’t know what comes next for the cancer journey until the 11th.

this also means, what was supposedly nearing the end of the worst, instead heralds the beginning of the worse. i don’t even know if she wants continued treatment or if she’d rather let cancer take its course.

i keep having breakdowns and sobbing today. so. im gonna go read my silly novels and write my silly replies. and pretend that for tonight, im okay.

[wannab-urs]

The Spreadsheet Digest - Fic Recs | Vol 4

Hi lovely followers! Here are all the fics I read this week with my attached notes!

As always, you can find the full spreadsheet here! This week I decided to keep my new fics separate from the list AND I added some fics from before I started doing the digest (these won't have notes because I didn't used to do that lol).

Remember to check warnings on all fics before proceeding! I read a wide range of ratings...

Begging a Dieter one shot by @absurdthirst

-> Subby Dieter is my favorite thing on the planet and this is just... so fucking good. The whimpering and whining and absurd bargaining? Gimme gimme.

KitKat in the Minibar a Dieter one shot by @sneetsnootyoit

-> Dieter eating pussy in various situations inspired by an ask I did for someone else!! It's so cool that someone saw an ask I did before I started writing and turned in into a fic.

Watch you watch him f*ck his wife a Javi G one shot by @toxicanonymity

-> What if Nicholas Cage actually watched you fuck Javi G? Why am i into this? Why is Nick into this? What is wrong with us collectively as a species? brb reading again

Left in Lincoln a Joel series by @toxicanonymity

-> I usually don't go for super innocent or virgin reader fics because I uh... cannot relate. But I am really really into Joel in this. I want him to teach me everything. Also Bill and Frank being your dads is so fun

The Things We Do For Love a Frankie one shot by @beskarberry

-> I am aggressively not a breeding kink girlie and can occasionally get a little freaked out by fics that discuss pregnancy.... BUT!!! Someone sent this to me and I saw that it was supposed to be a realistic and funny fic. Perfect for Frankie and I love funny sex... and I adored this. I kind of scrolled past or ignored all the baby talk, but the actual sex reminded me of ya know... actual sex. So breeding kink girlies this one's for you!

Cherry Flavoured a Dieter one shot by @pedrito-friskito

AH my favorite kind of Dieter! Pathetic druggie asshole. I wish I was kidding, I am so down bad for him. This would make an excellent series...

Satellite a Javi P one shot by @jksprincess10

-> You try not to fuck your boss Javi Peña and like obviously you fail at that. And it's really hot

Dressed For Revenge a Joel series by @jksprincess10

-> Listen I happen to know this fic is going to blow your fucking mind. So read the prologue + first chapter, follow, turn on post notifs, and wait to be obliterated.

A kiss before dying and in death we combine a Joel one shot by @oonajaeadira

-> Stumbled across this because someone reblogged it gushing and then obviously I reblogged it gushing. Major Character Death warning but if you're going to read a fic where it happens, this is the one. I sobbed in my bed at 3 am and it was WORTH IT

Good. Things. Take. Time. a Pedro ATS series by @oonajaeadira

-> A mutual sent this to me because they know I love Adira's work. I haven't even seen Calls, had to google what Pedro Across the Street was, etc. But as far as I know this is an AU? Idk it doesn't matter. I love a smut marathon. A smut marathon with a beautiful story arc and the smut never gets boring even though it's over 20 parts? sign me up.

Chest Press a Joel series by @toxicanonymity

-> Dark!Joel/personal trainer!Joel getting a little too handsy at the gym. You pretend you aren't into it but like... who are we kidding it's Joel Miller. You're into it. And he can tell.

Night Shift a Joel one shot by @beskarandblasters

-> Based on Nightshift by Lucy Dacus (of boygenius). This is so good. Sadness/Angst/Heartbreak for like a couple thousand words but you're rewarded with smut... and we all know I love angst anyway lmao

Tommy's Hard Day a Joel/Tommy one shot by @toxicanonymity

-> Tommy had a hard day, so Joel asks you to help him feel better... Let's take a trip to Paris babies

Red Lace a Javi P one shot by @jksprincess10

-> This is hitting on so many of my fantasies rn... we got bondage, thigh riding, office sex, dirty talk... and more. Kill me I could die happy

------- Fics that I read a while ago -------

All our candles are burned out a Dieter/Frankie one shot by @psychedelic-ink

The Ethics of Forging Masterpieces an Ezra one shot by @write-and-buried

Good Soldier a Frankie one shot by @mishasminion360

Reflective a Max Phillips one shot by @prolix-yuy

Palomino a Jack series by @fuckyeahdindjarin

Spent a Din one shot by @joelscruff

-------- My New Fics ---------

Burn Slowly / I Love You - a smutty and angsty Frankie (abandoned) series

Perfecta, mi amor - soft dom!Javi one shot

Thunder Buddies - a fluffy joel one shot

Anything for you, babe - a smutty Frankie one shot

[bluelizze]

I DECIDED TO MAKE A POST ABOUT MY GENERINE REACTIONS TO ACCIDENTAL BF PT 4 (omg pls read this series it’s a gem by the wonderful @tenkover)

also i was just causally looping this edit while i was doing this

"You reach up and fix his crooked septum. He blushes. That damn thing."

SINCE WHEN DID TOMURA HAD A SEPTUM (ngl I actually looked up what it was bc idk what it was and I WAS SHOCKED MY JAW DROPPED)

“Why would I want to,” Tomura smiles and kisses the top of your head. He wants to absorb you… you can crawl into his ribcage any day and make yourself at home."

HEAD KISSES >>>>

“The Izuku thing, for example, like, we started off as friends just getting to know each other and out of the blue he gets handsy. It felt like all the friendship building was just… fake– and it was. His entire personality changed when I told him I won't be with him. I've had that happen before. It makes me feel… so alone. Or just generally talking to men. If you're nice you are flirting and they feel entitled to your… well, body. It hurts. And if you aren't nice… you put yourself in danger. My dad taught me to always be polite– well, too much because…. I was nice to my stalker. It's dumb– I am. That's also why I always do what people want… it is the path of least resistance.”

OH SHIT IZUKU LORE WITH READER

also reader being real here bc I always feel like I have to put on a mask around certain people so I sometimes have identity crisis (that’s why I relate to furina and mafuyu A LOT)

“He's always late!” Himiko sighs. “I'd never let you wait, (Y/N)-chan! If Tomura ever lets you wait– just text me, kay?”

HIMIKO BEING READER’S NEW BESTIE

“Really? Voice changer? Cmon, man,” Tomura says and pinches his nose.

OMG DABI BEING MYSTERIOUS BY USING A VOICE CHANGER XDDDD (I know who you are dabi LOLOL)

“Is it because… your friend who got a girlfriend?” He sobs.

OMG????? Does touya love reader?!?! (I wouldn’t be surprised if that were the case)

“Y-Yes. Sorry. I… I wanted to ask if I can soft launch you on Instagram?”

SOFT LANUGH 🥹🥹🥹🥹

“When I'm back… can we maybe go on a date? Get Boba and sit in the park?

BOBA DATE BOBA DATE BOBA DATE (I’m drinking one rn)

“Please just leave… go to your boyfriend.” You frown and a lump grows steadily in your throat. You look at the back of his head. His light hair looks badly tangled. “Touya… is that the problem?” “Yep.”

OH I AM RIGHT!!! (not but surprised but STILL THE REVEAL 😤😤😤)

Yes. Thank… you. Hey, one more thing… you're not a serial killer?” “When does it become serial?” “After 5?” “Oh no then we're good.”

OMG I SEE YOU USED THE REFERENCE IM SO HAPPY HDHROWCHOAFNNQ

“During semester break he showed up here and introduced himself as my boyfriend to my dad. I don’t know if you know how charming Izuku can be… my dad loved him. And… I had to play along because if my dad knew that I have a stalker he would never let me go back to uni. So… when he finally pissed off I tried to do damage control and told my dad that I was planning to break up with him– this is so stupid.”

IZUKU you mother fucker 🙃

He snorts. “Talk later… honey..?”

HE CALLS US HONEY 🥹🥹🥹 (I love nicknames like those)

Toshinori wraps his arms around you, almost smothering you with the intensity of his embrace. “Kid, you don’t ever need to justify coming home.”

HOW COME IM SURPRISE THAT ITS TOSHINORI (FOR SOME REASON I THOUGHT IT WAS SOMEONE DIFFERENT BUT I SHOULDVE EXPECTED IT DAMN)

“You love him,” Toshinori chuckles and wipes his hands on a kitchen towel before starting to chop up some tomatoes. “You should see how your eyes are sparkling right now.”

TOSHINORI BEING A BEST DAD 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹😭😭😭😭😭

“You are Dabi!” You wave the phone.

OMG THE REVEAL DABI AND TOUYA R THE SAME PERSON (but not surprised bc cmon)

“Holy shit. Now I get what you were saying– Tomura is the guy you have a crush on."

OH SHIT WAIT HOLD UP WHAT A FUCKING PLOT TWIST WHAT WHAT WHAT IDURJDJDJGOMG

OMG YOU HAVE TWISTED THE PLOT EVEN MORE BY HAVING TOUYA CRUSHING ON TOMURA INSTEAD OMG THATS PRETTY REFRESHING I LOVE IT OMG

omg first spinner and now touya. everyone having a crush on tomura on this fic and honstly, that's valid

"Dude, I thought you were confessing TO ME!”

I THOUGHT SO TOO

“No– did you just forget I am gay or what?! Be for real.”

YES I DID FORGET OR I MISREAD IT SOMEHOW

Tenko doesn't remember and Tomura can't face the truth.

OMG WHY U GOTTA END IT LIKE THIS OFRMC EQOJVCUOWDVIPQEBPIBCWDPI

[royallygray]

On the way back from a trip, I watched Wall-E for the first time on the plane. I liveblogged it because i thought it would be great.

It was.

SPOILERS AHEAD FOR WALL-E :D

also I am Not sorry for the typos

also I was using it/its for Wall-E and Eve and then I started using ae/aer for Wall-E and she/her for Eve just fyi

ANYWAYS ENJOY THIS THING

-- -- * -- --

2:20 what happened to my precious wind turbines???? :(

also tf is the song at the beginning

3:00 WALL E??? OMG THEYRE A RADIO BOI

wait this is literally the plot of my original story

LUNCH BOX

cricket :)

4:19 he's made a city out of trash :(

there is a baby crying on my flight :(

WERE ZOOMING

buy large gas???

04:57 wait so Wall-E is a brand of robot that cleans things? what's Eve gonna be im excited

OH MY GOD THE LITTLE CRICKET AND WALL E ARE BESTIES

turbulence on air :D

Wheeeeeeeeeee

05:10 there's a dead wall e :(

05:20 OH MY GOD THERES ABOUT TEN ZILLION DEAD WALL-E'S AA

NOOO

MY BOI :(

05:51 "too much garbage in your face? there's plenty of space out in space!" fuck you don't pollute space that's our space. Maybe not your space actually but it's MY space and don't put your stupid garbage in MY SPACE

07:15 aww fairy lights :D

TAPE :D ITS A RECORD TAPE :D

There's a spork in the lunchbox

why is there a rubix cube in the lunchbox

omg it's confused about whether the spork is a spoon or a fork :(

and it just put it on its own spot

like non-binary people :)

:( it wants someone to hold its hand :( it wants company :(

THE STARS

nope it was smog and the dust on the screen. rip

wtf is blowing up????

the cricket!!!!

09:57 it hibernates :(

and it swings itself to sleep :(

Wall-E needs some sun. go look at the sun, starshine :)

THE WALKING INTO THINGS IS REAL ASF WHY AM I RELATING TO A ROBOT

that's a nasty looking sun

POWER GAINED LETS GOOOO

NOOOOAOWJQJHW CRICEJT MY BELOVED NOOOOO

CRICKWT COME BACK

cricket is alive :DD

omg the bra 😭

it's a collecter :D

ping pong :)

ENGAGEMENT RING?? DAMN

IT JUST THREW AWAY THE RING AND KEPT THE CUSHION BOX 😭

FIRE EXTINGUISHER LMAOOO

PLANT :D :D :D

PLANT IN BOOT :D

CRICJET

wtf is the red light

I don't like that

what is it

what are ALL THE RED KIFHTS

IM SCARED

WALL E NOOOOOO

mans just dug dug dug dig diggity

wtf is that

id be scared too if I were wall e

is that the big ship that was there in the beginning

omg such a great disguise 😭

EVE :D

eve seems very tech advanced

OKG HEAVENLY

WALLES JUST LIKE "ITS ANOTHER CREATUEE :D"

bro all that pollution came down to deposit one robot

walle does not look comfy

FLY MY DARLING

windshield wipers??? in the eyes??? 😭

girlypop is a weapon

what do eves beeps mean???

NO CRICKET NOOOOO

CRICKET YOUVE BEFIRNSSD EVE

NO EVE DONT KKLL WALLE

eve wtf was that

are Wall-E and eve actually human size?? and it's just. idk

rip Wall-E they're going through it

what is eve even doing

also she's got anger management issues

me trying to get close to my moots

eve speaks :)

classified -_-

SHAEKNF NAMES :D :D :D :D

she laughs :D

eve NOOO

cricket??? where's cricket???

walle took you to its secret hideout you better be appreciative

cricker got a granola bar

oh she's ashamed that she broke it :(

BUBBLE WRAP :DDD

rubix cube

TAPE PLS WKRN :DDDD

YAY

EVE CHILL

YES DARLINF

wait no

chill girlypop

its got new eyes :)

walles like. raising their eyebrows

I'm gonna try to use neopronous for walle now because why not

ae/aer

LIGHTER

EVE NO

FIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

ae just wants to hold her hand

SHES ASCENDING

nOOOO she stole aer plant NOOOOOO

GIVE AER AER PLANT

GIVE AER AER PLANT

NO AER'S CRYING NOOOO

PEORECTION

electrocution

CHRIST.AS KJGHRS

OMG RHIS IS SO SWEET

WALL-E + EVE 😭 IM GONNA SOB NOOOO

AE JUST WANTS TO HILD HER HAND NOOOOO

EXCEPT SHE DOESNT HAVE HANDS ANYMORE

IM SADDDSD

wait there's a hand

it's just not mutual :(

THE MOONNN

NOOOOO

AE'S PLAYING PONG AGAINST AESELF :((((

8000 VS 0

it's cloudy with a chance of meatballs rn

lighter

NO EVE

DONT RAKE MT DAUGHTER AAAY YOU STIPID SPACESHIP

EVE MO

WALLE

FLY WALLE FLY

PROTECT CRICKET AND FLY

no there are multiple eves

RAKE OFFDFFF

WALLE HANG ON LITTLE ONE

the subtitles are just [Wall-E screaming] 😭

NOOO CRICKET IS ALONE NOW

CRICKET NOOOOO

wait why the fuck did they just destroy so many satellites wtf

oh earth looks NASTY

THAT IS ONE NASTY LOOKIN PLANET

WALLE NO

omg phew

AE FOUND EVE :D

MOON

MURICA 💪

SUN :D

just got all the solar power ever ae did

MILKY WAY :D

OMG CLOUD

it's the huge ass tech plane

axiom

bro how long did that take to fucking build

that thing is bigger than earth tf

gravity :)

EVE NO

Wall-E what are you doing

38:31 they're getting pissed off by Wall-E'S existence :(

39:20 that cleaning bot is PISSED

aww they just realized they can go off the lines :)

mate GET ON TOP OF HER (not in that way) pls just OMG ride the same cart. pls. do not get separated from her pls

those guys are right next to each other wtf

John

A is for Axiom your home I STG IF THIS IS WHAT EDUCATION IS FOR

A is for Apple, your iPads

B is for Best Buy, where you get your iPads

C is for idk. cock

lunch in a cup. I wanna die.

also the uniforms suck ass. those are worse than my elementary school ones.

Men? what's so good about men? why are they advertising men in a makeup place? where are they gonna appease men? on their chairs where they don't look at each other???

"try blue!" yeah you shouldve done that ages ago

actually that's a terrible shade of blue. even red is better than that shade of blue and that red makes me eyes hurt

it's actually a good shade of blue. just not for the jumpsuit things.

"every holo-date I've been on has been a virtual disaster" OMG that's actually such a great pun. writers of this I love this

Hi Mary :)

I do love how friendly the humans are. they're just chillin

also I adore how friendly Wall-E is. if someone got me a Wall-E plushie for my birthday I would marry them

maybe. hypothetically. probably not actually.

a113?

omg all the captains are dead

WAIT WALLE GET BACK TO EVE

OMG extraterrestrial vegetation?? YOU MEAN EARTH??? MOTHERFUKER???

bro he can't read 😭

I'm sad

OMG CAPTAINS GETTING AN EDUCATION LRTS GOOO

don't clean Wall-E ae's precious

WHAT DID THEY DO TO MY WALL-E'S FACE 😭

eve looks so fucking bored

oh that shit fucking exploded

oh no

CHASE SCENE

WHY IS RHWRE AN UMBRELLA BOT 😭

eve is PISSED

she's so exasperated 😭

WHY DID THE CLEANING BOT STEAL HER SHOE

WTF????

WALLENOOOOOOOOO

THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER COMJBG IN CLUTCH YESSSSS

AAWWWWW YHEYRE HUGGING ASHAJAGDKWHNSSBNXS

was that a kiss

omg that was totally a kiss

omg that was adorable

how is there that much fire extinguisher in one can

AE'S got a surprising amount of control with flying

OMG MARY I LOVE TOU

MARY MARY I LOVE YOU

JOHN HI JOHNJI JOHN :D

OMG man and woman touch hands romance is alive

omg captains getting social stuff :D

THEYRE DANICJNG NI THE DIRE EXTINGUISHER

OMG THEYRE SO IN LOVE AWWWWWW

MARY AND JOHN ARE BESTIEE AWWWWWWWWW

They can't go back :(

70:36 "I don't want to survive. I want to live!" SLAY CAPTAIN

72:00 YOU KILL WALLE I FUCKING JILL TOU SQUARE UP AUTO YOU MOTHERFUCKER

NOOOOOOOOOO

NOOO THEYRE IN TRASH NO

NO wtf happened to Captain

NO SHE JUST GOT REPROGRAMMDD NO

wait did she? no she didn't thank God

omg it's giant Wall-E

ew

okay cleaning robot you've redeemed yourself ily

NO THEH KILLED THE TAPE

NOT THE TAPE NOOO

M-O

Mo ily

WHYD U THROW AWAY THE PLANT EVE

KEEP THE PLANT MAN

COME ON

YES ESCAPE DARLING ESCAPE YES EVE Y SO MUCH EVE YOUR THE BEST

OMG all the rogue robots are going together <33

REBEL CAPTAIN

NOOOOO NOT THE ONE BOT

wait where the hell are they getting oxygen if they don't have any plants

"John get ready to have some kids" Mary I love tou

Captain you can walk you can do it :D

YIPPEE

wait when the fuck did they learn how to walk

WALLE NO DONT DIE NOOOO

THEY ZOOMING

CALTAIN IS HAVING A FREAT TINE MAN

OMG THE FALAZY

CRICKET MY BELOVED:D :D :D

THEYRE HOMEEEEE

WALLES TRUCK NO

is there even any oxygen on Earth

when did theyearn to walk

eve pls just put aer In sun pls

OMG EVE YOURE THE BEST

UR FIXING AER

AHES FIXTING AER LET'S GO

PLS

PLS SOLAR PIWER PLS

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSDDSSSSSSSSSSSS

CRICKET

YOPPEE

WALLE EVE YES AJEKAUAKAHQKHAKAHAKABANSNAKLAPQHEMSVDNSBABSBBZKSJAKSSKKAAALAKBDNSBSJAKALAKSNABANAKAK

NO

SIES AE NOT DECLGNIZE HER

WALLE NO

WALLE :(

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

AE LOST AER SOUL NOOOOO

NOIOOOOO

YES ELECTROCUTION

ELECTRIOCUTION

YES YES YES YES UES YES

KISS YES YES YES YES YES YES GES HES EHS GES

YES YES YESBBSJQNHDKAKAHDJSJAKDGWKJASNLAAJD

HANDS TES

AE'S FONNA SAY HER NAME

YES WVWNEHAJUAMJAKQQG FEW QKWyajlqshdnbdkavfvfa

EVE

WALLE YOURE ALUVE ILY SMHQJABSLQHSKAHQLAJAVD

CRICKET MO

BEAUTIFUTILN BUR

OMG I LIVE IT

OMG CAPTAIN I LIVE YUU I KIVE THIS I LOCE THIS I LOVE THIS I KIVE THIS TO LOVE THIS I LOVE THIS I LOVE THIS I KCIE THIS ISJWIAKDBSMAALA

OH MY FOD RHEY RESTORUED EARTH HOLY DUFKJNG SHUT

RHERE ARE LKANTS HOLT SHIT THERES A SRAR AND ITS EVE KMF IM SOBBING XRHINF WKQKWJQOWMSEFJWHWHLDHWLQHDKZJALSBDKDNAKSJHDKSNSNSN

SHIP

OMG ITS OVER 😭 EGIWWJKSSHKQHSKWJQJAJWJQAJ

DIRT

OH MT GOD OH MT FOS OH MY DKS

EVE VUILDS A WELL???? OMG THE THLING BOT MAKES SEEDS DHAJSHSKSHKAQKQHALSHAKBSKAVAKAHWKQHKSWGKQBSNSABHZJANAISHAKQBQIWIDHAMALDHSNHWOWHSNFND XNSNALAKBLQKAHSJSNA x

fish come back alive???? thetles

[wadesprincessboy]

Just had the worlds worst conversation with my mother (under cut)

Tw: rape, CSA, vent

So, I mentioned my fear of sharing a room with someone right? And my mum asks me why im scared of that, and i share that its because im constantly afraid of the other person raping me in my sleep, or otherwise assaulting me sexually. And i thought this was a normal-ish fear right? Like everyone is super hyper vigilant about sexual assault right? But my mum said thats actually really concerning, and asked if anyone has ever assaulted me, to which i said no, not to my knowledge. Anyway this lead to a conversation about how im constantly terrified, how any time a man walks past i shiver and think that this might be it, that he might grab me and rape me, how i cant go out early in the morning or late at night because im scared something will happen, how i cant get close to people physically because they might touch me inappropriately, and how i dont have sleepovers at friends houses because im scared. And my mother asked me questions about it, and she got really worried, and i said "but its fine, if someone raped me as a kid i would remember it", and I thought shed agree but instead she brought up how she was raped at age 4 and didnt remember until she was 20 and reading a book about CSA. And then I remembered a few books i tried reading, and how i couldnt get past where they mention/imply CSA because it made me panic. And i asked my mum if i showed signs of it as a kid, and she said yes, but i was so emotionally dysregulated because of the other abuse, not to mention undiagnosed autism, that it was impossible to tell, and that wouldve made me a perfect victim. I said theres no way because i wasnt around any pervy men, and while my dad was pure evil, he wasnt that evil, and anyway he has so many kids that someone wouldve said something by now, right? Well, he had no contact with any of his kids except me and one of my half sisters, and both of us have always been alike in our behaviour, and my sister used to beat me up, but she would kick me in the privates because "no one would check there" and now i think of it, how did she know that? How did she know to attack me there at such a young age? But then again, she couldve come into contact with plenty of men i didnt. Theres no way that happened to me, right? And i tell my mother this, and she said maybe, but then she brought up my asexuality and what ive told her about my experience with sex, and she said she was concerned even with that but now with the other stuff shes really worried, and she says i should talk to my counsellor about it, because she knows she wouldnt be clear headed enough to help me considering her personal history and the fact that well, shes my mum. But then i thought more about what ive said about being ace, and how i do experience attraction and i like the idea of sex in theory but the thought of being touched makes me feel sick, and i have nightmares about the time i had sex, despite it being fully consensual and the fact that in the moment i loved it, and when i am reminded of sex i feel physically ill, and apparently thats not being ace, that's something much more concerning? Not to mention the fanfic i used to write, where every self insert i had would always be sexually abused, despite me supposedly never being abused in that way myself. And i have nightmares all the time about being raped, but i put that down to watching too much svu. Also, tmi but like, i cant even pleasure myself without feeling violently ill and sobbing because i hate sexual acts so much....all of this is to say, i dont fucking remember if anything ever happened to me, but i do know i have forgotten other traumatic moments, and that scares the shit out of me. Im 100% not ok rn, and i cant think of anything else other than i mightve been assaulted as a child and i dont remember it. I really hope not, obviously. I dont see my counsellor for another two weeks and idk who to talk to about this. I bet none of this made sense, i just needed to get it off my chest. Im scared and worried, because what if my biggest fear already happened and i didnt know it?

[vacantgodling]

🍲 emoji for OC knowledge

honestly ramen or anything similar sounds good rn its cold and rainy where i am :sob emoji:

i'm gonna release my baby pix from the vault. he's definitely... EVOLVED as time as gone on.

he was originally supposed to be a self insert character to go alongside pitt from the kid icarus games (i never played them but pitt is my favorite character to play in smash and the idea for pix came around this similar time frame. i was like 12-13 at the time probably). back in the day pix was a gyal bc i thought i was, but whaddya know, just like chidori (who was originally a self insert for kid me) he ended up turning transmasc LMAO.

i actually decided to revamp pix's backstory thing recently... as in last year? so i'll kinda post that long ass blurb:

grew up in a church and decided they were to become a cleric. trained and put everything they had towards it and were sent on a quest along with some idk others for some divine purpose? but they experienced hardships and their gods will became harder and harder to discern. they saw horrors and could do nothing for the way of their god forbade them from intervening. finally pix saw the destruction of a village and their companions perished all to get an old sacred artifact of their god. that was what the quest was about. the god had used pix as a conduit for their wishes and revealed themselves to be a spurned god and pix just idk released them from their prison ? and pix kind of has a mental break and the god basically leaves them for dead etc etc. but pix’s desire for revenge is heard by their dead/dying companions and they vow if they will give them the strength they will hunt down that god and kill them. pix awakens in a hospital or with a healer or something whatever. they were the lone survivor of the attack but no one knows their hand in helping it happen. the light is gone from their eyes but they realize this is their chance they’ve been granted to make amends. so they switch from a cleric to a paladin -> their holy oath binding them to those of the dead city and their old companions. they start to train, become colder, get older, the only thing they think about is to kill that god tm. they cut down any clerics or worshippers of that god they find… their mental state gets worse and worse and all they can think of is vengeance. etc etc. annnnnnnd idk 🤔 eventually i'm assuming that they'll discover gender somewhere along the way and also get revenge on that god probably but idk he also deserves love and to fucking Sleep.

anyway pix transitioning from she > they > trans masc rage is actually important to me. bc i am full of rage.

also also, i need to make it less. dnd. y. cuz i like dnd as a whole and concept but i only make dnd adjacent things out of jealousy for people who can actually have campaigns and friends to do them with (ik i'm not cut out for it but that doesn't stop me from feeling left out anyway) so dnd is a good jumping off point, but i'd like to imbue more of my own worldbuilding and ideals into it.

but yeah that's pix he's doing his best probably. naive -> trauma -> antihero -> borderline villain route is basically the vibe

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