#I am feeling quite tired right now
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bowlerhatwearer · 1 year ago
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Silent Night, to Dawn
TW: Injury
Characters: Tyson "Ty" Nicholas, Obdulio Bravo
Originally written: 5th August 2022
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The bright yellow moon was all that kept him company in this late night.
Driving alone, Tyson Nicholas knew very well, which way he had to go with his car, despite the fact that the last time he was where he intended to go, was years ago.
Some of the light from the moon was shining on his bright blue fur and the darker spots of the same colour, it also reflected into his mechanical right eye, causing him to squint.
It had been some time ago now, that he received the message, that an old friend of his had returned, one, that many in this country had begun to call a traitor, for he had joined the Wrath, according to again many, voluntary. But now he was back again, seemingly having left the organization whose goal is, for one day to conquer and rule the whole world.
A part of him wanted to believe that his old friend, who he had known for many years that had long passed, that his friend had not changed, that he was still a loyal member of the Wrath, and he would see that, be convinced that he, Tyson Nicholas was wrong, and then the snow leopard would leave again disappointed for having a bit of hope in him.
Yet, a gnawing sensation told him…something, must have happened, at one point, because, no one could really say when exactly his friend, decided to leave the Wrath, but, it must have been a while ago, because, the name of him, his friend, had not been used for some time by the Wrath or any of its members and when he asked some of them, who he personally treated, they just told him he had vanished one day, after an enemy attack.
Scratching his nose, the snow leopard noticed gates, made out of iron, they were open, and he was able to recognize them, despite the many years since he was here the last time.
He had finally arrived at the Bravo estate.
Opening one of the car windows, he allowed the cool wind to get in during the last few meters, for the car had become warm at this point making the fur on his grey jacket, flutter a bit in the air, that was blown into the car now.
No matter how dark it was, he could see at the corner of the lights from the car, the leaves of fruit threes.
“Despite the many years that have passed, you have kept them.”
A memory flashed into his mind, when his old friend had offered him a rather, unusual summer job, when he was still studying at medical school, and his friend took theatre and acting classes, saying that his father needed ever hand he could get, to help harvesting the fruits from heir orchard.
With how hot it sometimes got here in the summer, Ty did shave and cut some of his fur so he wouldn’t suffer too much in he heats, but, despite that, the payment was fair, he was always allowed to eat as many of the fruits as he wanted and a place to live was given to him at the estate.
For a short moment, he smiled, even let out a chuckle from the memory, before Ty reminded himself, that this was in the past, and he was driving in the present.
He hadn’t called his old friend, or wrote him a letter, something held him back doing that, he…he wanted to see his old acquaintance himself, face to face, how he had changed, after the many years Ty wanted to know how he was doing now.
There was also, another reason why he came here to see his friend, wondering if his old friend would be willing to accept…if he had changed…if he was even available.
Suddenly he saw something shining in the high beam of his vehicle and Tyson knew, he had reached his destination.
In the heart of the orchard stood a small but pretty mansion, one that although not so old as others, was still built in a more, vintage look, reminding him of a small wooden Victorian era manor.
Just as he remembered.
Stepping out of the car after he turned the engine off, the snow leopard could see, how dimly, flickering light was shining out of a window and he could hear…some sound coming from it as well.
Approaching the entrance, one wooden door with carved ornaments, Tyson Nicholas moved his prosthetic arm to the doorknob, turning it.
The door was not locked, and he could enter freely.
Carefully he stepped with his black boot onto the tiled ground floor, before the other followed, closing the entrance out of reflex and formality rather than intention, as he was inside of the building.
Looking around, he took a few steps further into the building, before the Medics leader decided to call for the person, he once called friend.
“Obdulio! Obdulio, are you here?”
Obdulio Bravo, chinchilla, theatre actor and opera singer, who despite his best efforts never made it big or was recognized by the world of theatre, always standing in the shadow of others, not even mentioned once by the media.
Until one day, he had joined the Wrath, with no one understanding why, suddenly being a star for the organisation, getting the stage- and nickname:
“The Voice of the Wrath”
Ty got no response, he hoped his friend was here, or else the person who was here, if someone was here, would be in for a surprise, hopefully they wouldn’t call the police if it was not Obdulio.
A sudden sound of glass made Ty’s ears go up and looking down, he saw a shopping back and as he looked around, he noticed how there were a few smore hopping bags around the lobby, a lot actually and Ty had difficulty not to brush against them, wondering what was inside of them, before his curiosity overtook him for a moment, and knelt down to look inside one.
The stench of mild to medium, sourly smelling alcohol invades his nose, causing the snow leopard to get nauseous for a moment.
It was filled with red wine bottles, all of them being from the same brand, French Bordeaux, every single one of them empty.
Raising himself to get some, fresher air into his system, Ty thought, given the number of bottles, it wasn’t really possible that Obdulio drank them all himself, was it?
Having reached the stairs soon, he noticed in the corner of his eyes an oil painting.
It showed Mrs. and Mr. Bravo, standing in front of their small mansion, looking respectfully, but also happy, remembering them both, Tyson couldn’t help but wonder.
“Do you know what has happened to your home and your son?”
There was no answer, just looking at him in silence and Tyson continued his way.
“Obdulio!”
Ty’s shout remained again unanswered, however, the sound he had heard before, grew louder, almost like music.
Arriving on the first floor, he could see that the door was half-closed, but what he had heard, since the snow leopard had arrived, was now clear.
Opera music, and if he had to take a guess, it was an aria.
His old friend’s favourite parts, he never was allowed to sing at any of the operas he performed, always being degraded to the ensembles and choirs. And so, the chinchilla sang them in private, or to his friends, as the Medic’s leader remembered, for a short moment fondly.
Carefully he opened the door with his prosthetic hand, pushing the wood, the flickering light shining on the metal of his hand and the buttons of his clothing, who all had the same brass colouring.
“Obdulio?”
This time, his call for the chinchilla, disgraced singer and actor was calmer, like a parent who took a look into the bedroom of their child, wondering if they had fallen asleep yet.
In the middle of the room, near a fireplace that was the source of the light, sat a small something, completely shrouded in black, as they were about to pour a glass with a bottle, whose content Tyson Nicholas didn’t really had to guess, however, before they finished it, noticed their surprise guest.
Their orange eyes, snapped open for a short moment, before they grew more relaxed again, letting out a sigh they put the bottle and glass, on a round wooden table, that was in their reach, but not before tapping on the glass.
Having his arms around his hips, his expression had changed, and Ty looked now more like a parent, that was both disgruntled and disappointed with their child, who they just caught doing something forbidden, or at least what they really shouldn’t do.
“If you want to tell me, that you only drink one glass a day, then I sincerely doubt that Obdulio.”
Obdulio Bravo only responded with something, that in Ty’s ears sounded like grumbling, but remained still on their leather armchair, continuing to listen to the song from the record player, which sounded, to the snow leopard from the bits and pieces he could understand, like Italian.
A few more steps were taken by the visitor, approaching the person he once saw as friend, speaking calmer again.
“Obdulio, what happened, first you were gone, then I hear you have joined the Wrath, you of all people, just for one day to vanish again? What happened, you never called, wrote a letter, or send at least an SMS?”
Despite no intention, Ty had to admit, his words sounded accusative, perhaps that was the reason why the orange eyes of the chinchilla, looked guilty when the snow leopard had finished his sentence, but he remained quiet, trying to look left and right.
“I only knew you were here because of some rumours, no one knew where you had gone for years, please Obdullio, what happened…come on…talk to me, please old friend.”
Hearing a hoarse sound, the leader of the Medics looked up from the floor witnessing how the chinchilla raised up from his seat, taking a cane from beside the chair as his old acquaintance was slowly approaching him.
First, Ty could see how the man, who only reached him from size to his stomach, stepped more into the light of the fireplace.
Obdulio wore a black double-breasted topcoat, together with black trousers and shoes. On top of his head, sitting a bowler hat of the same colour, only the silver-grey fur, he could see a bit exposed, for example the chinchilla’s tail, brought some difference in his monotone fashion.
There were now only a few inches of space between them, their tapping of the wooden cane that had grown louder, had come to a sudden halt with Ty wondering, what his old friend, he had not seen in years would do now, Obdulio raised his head, to look into Ty’s eyes, opening his mouth to speak.
Yet no voice came out, the sound, he made, was more similar to a hoarse groaning, with the mouth widening more and more and Tyson expecting to see his friend’s tongue.
But there was none.
As his eye widened, the Medics leader understood now, why his friend had not responded, or spoken to him a single word.
“D-did he do that to-“
He shook his head and with that the thought away, no…no, Obdulio loved his voice, it was, next to his friends, the greatest treasure he valued, always ensuring that it didn’t get strained or croaky, no, he would have never.
Someone else must have done it.
Yet, despite questions going trough his mind, they all came to a sudden halt, when he felt pressure on his stomach region, nothing violent, just, suddenly but soft.
Obdulio had tilted his head, looking up to his friend, staring at him with both, guilty and sorrowful looking eyes, that were clearly in pain and were sorry, for having not notified Ty about anything, starting to silently cry, into Ty’s light grey coat.
If there ever was a disgruntled state in Tyson Nicholas mind, it was all gone now, only feeling pity for his friend, who had lost his voice.
Gently placing his prosthetic arm on the back of his old friend’s head, he allowed Obdulio Bravo to cry into the fabric.
Remembering the other reason why he had come, the Medics leader wondered if he should tell his chinchilla friend, but something in his mind told him that maybe, this was perhaps the right time tell him, since the former opera singer and actor was clearly in low spirits.
“Obdulio, would you like to join the Medics?”
Noticing his old friend looking up, his still tearful eyes looked at him questioning, and Ty knew why, with the exception of maybe knowing first aid, Obdullio had no medical experience.
“I know that you did some PR for the operas and theatres you worked for and, we really could need someone doing that for us, we might be a bit desperate.”
Wondering if perhaps the last part sounded wrong, he was about to say he didn’t mean it in any insulting way but before he could speak a single letter, he could feel how he hug around him grew stronger, with Obdulio nodding in agreement before he continued to cry into his friend.
Giving his old friend, all the time he needed to collect himself, Ty hugged him back, looking at the small chinchilla with an understanding and compassionate expression, for a moment his vision was wandering, and he could see, how the night, started to be overtaken by the dawn.
For the first time since he arrived here, Tyson Nicholas could clearly hear the voice that sang the aria on the record that was playing, as he held his old friend Obdulio Bravo.
“Dilegua, o notte!
Tramontate, stelle!
Tramontate, stelle!
All'alba, vincerò!
Vincerò!
Vincerò!”
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suddencolds · 2 months ago
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. not snz
on healing and on fear (tags)
#(typed this up at 3am and scheduling for later) no one needs to read this 🙏#today i went back to the site where i got injured back in may to partake in a sport which i haven't touched at all since the injury#and i think what struck me was the realization that#i don't know if i'll ever be able to stop being scared again :')#for a time climbing was very special to me...#it was one of the only ways i could feel myself improving so tangibly when improvement is usually so difficult to track#i liked seeing myself get better at something 😭 i liked going with friends and puzzling over the same problems... i liked having something#to look forward to after work. and perhaps having something to look forward to sounds simple... but for me it meant so much :')#for the first couple months after the injury i couldn't wait to get back into it#and then one day i woke up and i was just afraid#the fear feels so much more tangible now that i know i am not overreacting... it's awful knowing that in a way i was right to be afraid#i always knew there were risks associated; i have always been cautious#but i had just been starting to learn to be braver 😭#and fuck... today i stood there and looked at the wall and thought. how can i ever not be afraid again?#how can i go back to how things were before? when i loved this? when i could tell myself that - despite the fear - it was meaningful to try#i wanted to come away with the takeaway that i could take things slowly and get back into climbing - maybe precisely because#i remember so keenly how i loved it - but how could it ever be the same?#😭 i know this is just part of growing up but#in some ways i am tired of growing up... :') in some ways i just want that joy as it was then#delete later probably#i suppose i haven't lost anything but typing this made me sob for something i couldn't quite name
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talkorsomething · 5 months ago
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I have Got to get more transgender
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#transmasc#trans ftm#transgender#i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever#so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL#it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks#such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also#or like. exist in general maybe#reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically#idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again#i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this#i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian#like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty#miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes#partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it#as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once#didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.
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seariii · 10 months ago
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Hum...
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opens-up-4-nobody · 7 months ago
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...
#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan#i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch#shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else#even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress#but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside#academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project#i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send#myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it#but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or#maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something#just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there#it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so#tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing#ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position#and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle#sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux#i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices#even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany.#and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it#unrelated
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olisephaa · 23 days ago
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Miserable, horrible, I hate throwing upppp
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punkrockisafulltimejob · 1 month ago
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Chronic fatigue syndrome is both aptly named but also inaccurate bc they don't talk about the flip side of it where you're so exhausted you can't sleep at all
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em-b-sides · 4 months ago
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I think about that tiktok trend where you like paint your partners eye color on your nails or make a bracelet or something with the color a lot actually
#like its so cute honestly but sometimes i wonder how hard it would actually be to like find the right color match#maybe one day... but for now probably expect oc art with this trend in it maybe 💀#the thing about it too is i have like dark eyes and idk if ive ever seen like a dark brown nail polish. beads or thread yeah but ya#oh nvm i googled. it exists i just dont pay attention ig#OH you know what i can do... i can paint pepperonis eye color on my nails.... my baby... my kitty......#dude it feels like 5 am why is it only 2#amyways. 4 monsters was a big mistake i think... i feel quite icky...#it doesnt help i didnt eat for a majority of the day it was just monster. im really unhealthy. need water maybe#wait i was talking about nail polish how did i get here#i just want to actually do cute couple things. i must heal. im gonna be so healthy.#its fine. lmao. i just know im not ready#oh i did eat btw dont worry lmao i had. chicken nuggets#i actually have to eat more bc i need to gain back some weight or they wont let me donate plasma#my extra pokemon money..... nawr...#i dropped like 10 pounds. my current job is very physical. lots of scuttling around.#i thought about working out too? i had a short phase last year in like spring or something where i started doing workout type stuff#so like.. maybe. probably should. healtly mindset shit yk#i also maybe want some more clothes. like update my wardrobe a bit. really figure out my style.#like some cool shirts and maybe pants. cause i wear a lot of the same stuff#also again. dropped weight so. need better fitting pants.....#i want more mens pants. big pockets... gender....#anyways. nice chatting with you besties. love you guys my silly little tumblr besties.#some of you that follow this sideblog have supported me on here for a while. i see you. i appreciate you. thank you 💖#genuinely there are names that pop up and im like !! hello!!! its you!!!!!#you guys probably know who you are. go get yourself a little treat you deserve it. or like. idk what you enjoy.#play a good game. watch your favorite show. idk. be happy. love yourself.#this also goes out to those of you who are more passive on my blog. i appreciate you too!! thank you!#all my little tumblr followers.... my besties..... unles you are a bot i havent cleared out lmao#k i might have to go to bed idk im tired well see
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phagodyke · 2 months ago
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ah shit only just realised its september now.... lets hope the rest of this month isn't like this.....
#just med shit innit. gonna force myself up at my usual work time even tho i have the day off bc I need to be in my routine or ill lose it#i am. very tired and very sad. and thats ok generally im ok ive been keeping myself so busy for weeks and weeks#and im glad im going out n doing shit often n meeting new ppl n trying to focus more on hobbies n get more on the life balance#but whenever i have a moment to stop i still get so sad. ik exactly why theyre all just old aches n wounds i dont want to wallow in them!!#lately its been well under control i only usually have one actual bad day a week and sometimes its not even a whole day#and the rest im.just busy and i dont know if im just avoiding things and its not satisfying being busy bc im still missing out needs#but i cant fulfil them so might as well stay busy and not think about it!!#and its okay its all okay im just so sad right now :-( but im going to sleep soon and then ill be busy tmr so i dont have to think abt it#i wanna ventpost abt it but also i dont rly want to bc findinf the words to talk abt the things distressing me involves thinking abt it#which will just.make me feel worse. and it wont resolve anything bc its all mostly outside of my control anyway just hurts innit#but im trying hard to make my life bigger than it was before even if its still shallow and not quite enough at least it covers more space#yeah yeah we all want to feel genuine connection and wanted and loved but life doesnt often work out like that so.#hands in your pockets player keep it moving. im goiny to brush my teeth and then rly need to go to bed zzzzz#.diaries#hope everyone else had a nice weekend i had a pretty good saturday at least. and played a lot of videogames today so could be worse#very glad i dont have work tomorrow as well thank u past me for booking it off ahh..
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moe-broey · 3 months ago
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Why did I start like three other projects when I was already working on a big project when I just got hit with the autism exhaustion beam (requires. At least One Full Day just dead in bed, and then some more Taking It Easy time after)
#i don't even know what prompted it...#hit w a vision. not enough time to execute it. hit w a vision. too tired to execute it.#i guess technically it was just two huh. but all the moving parts made the other one feel like two in and of itself#oh. now i remember there was another shitpost behind it. i just. didn't get to.#thinking about bruno... thinking about anna... thinking about the fairies... thinking about mirabilis specifically actually#she gets the short end of the stick characterization wise and it's such a shame.#to the point where i was unsure what to do w her... i think i got some ideas rattling around though#I CAN... GIVE HER.... SO MUCH MORE.... without changing too much about her. i just need to extrapolate.#hits her w the disability beam. idk if it's also autism but she has some sort of chronic condition#that just makes you. so tireds. moe and mira shaking hands. let's lay down and rest together.#also thinking about the subtle differences between a full dream and a daydream... between sleeping and just resting#and. making her kitty coded. she is such a kitten pile type girl. she is such a lap cat. queen of catnapping#which i'm thinking works really well w peony and even sharena. not so much moe though 😭💔#i want to capture a playful side. and maybe even a 'i'm still figuring out how i feel about that' side to her#like... i'm imagining peony as someone who's surprisingly insightful and emotionally intelligent.#she's got it all figured out. she already knows. she's not always right. but she tends to know what's up#i'm thinking... maybe mira isn't quite there yet. or struggles to see outside of herself. for obvious/understandable reasons#but she has that unwavering desire for joy and comfort the way peony does. she may feel a pang of jealousy here and there#but it doesn't get in the way of her goals and wants for others. which may be the defining factor actually#like obviously this could get messy if you simplify it too much into 'good' or 'bad'. bc all these girls are DIRECT reflections#of each one's trauma response. assigning morality to that is fucked up. but for story purposes... maybe freyja/freyr did. to a degree.#bc maybe they're flawed and fucked up too. it's about The Cycles. i'm getting so lost in the sauce though LMFAOO#i am GOING to do SOMETHING. for mirabilis. mark my fucking words.
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aliteralgarbageheap · 4 months ago
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...
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seekingthestars · 7 months ago
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me: man my shoulder/neck have been hurting for weeks, i'm gonna sit with the heat pack on them to see if that helps
my body: oh that's cute, guess what's that gonna get ya? mild heat rash HAVE FUN
me: okay well at least they don't hurt anymore, right?
my body: INCORRECT
me: okayyyy well nothing ELSE hurts at least?
my body: FOOT PAIN
me: _(: 」∠)_
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crayonurchin · 5 months ago
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Hey you know when you think you're doing really good and it takes a single trigger to sent you flying back to a bad spot that you end up truly breaking down to your therapist about?
Yeah...
Except SURPRISE THAT'S NOT THE END!!!
Cuz you were in a good enough spot to feel the impact of falling down that far! That, my dear, is a sign of progress. So pick yourself up and get back to climbing and reach more checkpoints in this hike.
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intern-seraph · 1 year ago
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.
#seraph speaks#k word use#everything going on rn is just. awful. my dash makes me sick to my stomach on a regular basis.#but i feel such immense shame at the very idea of blocking The Words even if it's for my own well-being#because then i'll be One Of The Bad Jews or whatever#honestly this site feels really really hostile again#it hasn't felt that way since i was sent graphic gore and death threats during one of the nazi raids years and years ago#and the worst part is that this unsafe feeling is coming from ppl who i generally quite like and even trust.#to make it even worse i KNOW ppl will deride and mock me for the very fact that i (a filthy fucking jew) feel terrified and unsafe rn#because ~i'm not the one being actively bombed right now~#i've already seen it happening.#and i just. am so tired.#as if this is a fucking competition? obvs i'm not saying i have it worse than palestinians#but honestly if you have the time to mock jews for being afraid rn#bc antisemitism ALWAYS spikes when israel's in the news for crimes (bc gentiles think all of world jewry is responsible for those crimes)#it's already been bad. it's going to get worse.#and if you come into my asks or my replies or w/e about this and get combative#genuinely just call me a fucking kike so i can block you#i just assume that if you have the time to bitch at random jews for the gall to be afraid rn that you aren't someone currently in a warzone#i feel like they have more important things to worry about than harassing jews on tumblr dot com.#anyways sorry for the [gestures] this#im not going to say anything else. will likely block certain words eventually as well. i'm just so exhausted and upset.#it's been all i can think abt.
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dutybcrne · 6 months ago
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From a very young age, Kaeya held such a fondness for handholding. Whether it was his father clinging tightly to him to make sure he didn’t get lost, Adelinde’s gentle, grounding hand closed over his to comfort him whenever his nerves got the better of him, Crepus’s rough-palmed, firm yet comforting grip as he brought him back home, or, as it was most often of all, Diluc’s warm, yet at times uncomfortably tight hold as he dragged him anywhere, everywhere, determined to always keep Kaeya close and eagerly show him all there was to see, Kaeya treasured the gesture greatly.
Of course, being as shy as he was, initiating it himself was always the harder part. So much so, he would tend to hold pinkies, rather than outright take a person’s hand in his own. Eventually, it would become his most common way to go about the gesture of affection.
#hc; kaeya#//Handholding is one of his favorite ways of affection bc 1) it’s not too overwhelming when it comes to his touch aversion#//The sensation is all focused in one spot; and even then; it’s more grounding than uncomfortable bc of how firm people’s grasp tends to be#//He really took to holding pinkies bc he realized he could ‘test’ people that way#//If it was a bother to them; they wouldn’t blink twice before moving their hand from his hold. so rejection isn’t as BIG; more subtle#//And if they Liked it; they could either accept it as is or make him happier and take firmer hold of his hand#//Once he was more confident; he would go straight to more outright handholding. Klee ofc got that RIGHT from the getgo. Bc she is smol &#liked him from the start. Even if her Pyro energy did make him uncomfortable at first; but he got used to it. for her#//Luc made it easy to go right to it to—the kid would always seem to know when he wanted to hold hands for whatever reason and grabbed hold#before Kae could link pinkies. kae did like the fact that Luc would Pout the few times Kae did link pinkies instead of hold hands#//Pout; & snatch his hand firmly in his like ‘Why did you do that? THIS way’s better’. Love the image of bby!Kae grabbing bby!Luc’s sleeves#but lbr; they deffo held hands a lot as kiddos. Bc we all know just how (canonically) indulging Luc is with whatever Kae wants. Once Luc#//figured him out; it was a Very common sight; seeing Luc tromping around like the proud lil protector he was; & Kae scurrying after him#//Lil subtle delighted gleams in his eye compared to Luc’s more overt confidence and joy. So common a sight; it was no surprise that#Kae was Deffo distressed when Luc inevitably grew out of it. Adjusted; yeah; but the sudden Change was deffo NOT good for his nerves#//Clung to Addie a lot to make up for it; until he heard the maids tittering abt how childish he was being#//He quit that FAST; finding other ways to stave off his nerves and show his affection#//Sometimes when he’s drunk at Angel’s Share; he gets tempted to hold Luc’s hand—an old habit dredged back up bc he wants comfort#//But any sudden moves Luc makes; whether bc he noticed Kae reaching out or not; utterly scare the urge away every time#//He’s made his peace with Luc resenting him; but it still stings that the ONE person he felt closest to is now practically a Chasm away#//Not like he helps any with that; running away or lashing out every time Luc tries to bridge gaps or shows concern#//Sends him into fight or flight mode every time—who’s to say Kae won’t fuck it up and make a Luc regret trying?#//Might as well sabotage it all himself—at least THEN he knows with utmost certainty it will end failure. Whoops veered off topic#//The closer he is to someone; the more likely he ends up toying with their hands a bit—esp if Interested in them#//Likes playing with their fingers; linking; unlinking and slotting them together; tracing lines on their palms#//Cute shit like that. He likes seeing how they fit together; the differences in size and how they feel#//This was all bc I saw a detail from a show pointed out on the Twitter ndnfn. And thought the pinkie thing was SO cute. Anywho#//Hi. Shit happened irl & I am still not 100%. Not saying what bc it’s not a pleasant topic; but know I am ok#//Just a lil tired. But kinda wanna hcs for rn. I had a lil burst of energy earlier today. that was nice. Over a long dead show; no less#//But it helped lift my mood a bit. I still kinda wish I could drink rn tho. Think it’d help my brain rn
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opens-up-4-nobody · 8 months ago
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#its sort of funny. i think my medication is working pretty well. i feel stable in a way i never really have before#is it the dopamine stablizer or is it my ion channels? whos to say. it doesn't matter. but it also doesnt change some things#the ways i think and react negativly to change. but it makes it easier to deal with. i still experience this strange dispaire on the#weekends or anytime im not working. i think the oddest thing is thst i dont think ive ever been this consistenly sad#not in a depressed sort of way. just a passing thoughts make me tear up sort of way. it doesnt feel out of control. it just feels like a#prelude to grief i guess. bc my mum is still in the hospital and its so hard to kno what that means from halfway across the country#my sisters are both home right now. they both live within 3hrs of where we grew up. one sister lives in the city my mom goes to for#treatment. so they have the opportunity to see her more than me. i dunno if they do tho. we dont really talk. i dont kno if they're as sad#as i am. if im overreacting bc i cant physically see what's happening. what the feeling is in the room. not that she would probably complain#shes the suffer in silence type. my dad keeps texting us pics of our shitty lil sunroom that hes redoing#to make my mum a lil sanctuary. he must be sad too. its his wife. hes staying with her in the hospital rn. i dunno its so weird#when i talk to my counselor she assumes i find out info thru calls or talk to my sisters abt it and i gotta b like nah we dont really talk#i get my info thru text. i havent talked to my parents on the phone in like a month. i dunno we just dont talk. so i dont kno how to reach#out and be like yo so whats up? shoulf i plan on coming home this summer for a bit?? like???#this is the disadvantage of leaving thr place where you grew up. probably when i finish my phd i should move closer to home#somewhere in the Appalachian mountains maybe. somewere in the eastern deciduous forrest. somewhere with thunderstorms.#but thats years from now. who knows what ill b doing. for now im just sad and tired and i dont quite kno what to do in the short or long#term bc im feeling the weight of my mental limitations rather intensely. but maybe im just being self limiting#whatever. i dont have a dead mum yet. shes not even on hospice care. things are just uncertain and dont look so hot#i just dont see how it can get better from here when chemo gave her secondary blood cancer and shes still full of tumors#i dont think im being that dramatic. it just objectively seems not great for survival#unrelated
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