#I am a college student with no plan
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There's so many of y'all, I should. Probably finish up my blog pages, AAA
#I am a college student with no plan#Reading so many theoretical essays#But I should probably start fixing things up to match my brand a bit better#Maybe I'll get a new piece of art cranked out today. Who knows!#Just stuff for thesis though#Anyways welcome to my special hell
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a mikey centered angst comic, coming to you live on this blog…..SOON😈
#between the lines au#btl au#rise of the tmnt#rottmnt#rottmnt mikey#im so excited#we’re in the planning process rn#updates will come soon but i am also a current college student
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How to not achieve academic success
1. Go to sleep at 3 a.m. 2. Sleep until lunch and miss all your morning lectures 3. Don't do any work in the afternoon either and fall asleep again for 2 hours
I just woke up what's going on why am I so tired
#that nap wasnt planned and it still happened#whats going on with my body why am i so tired now maybe i need a doctor#or even better a med student#my eyes are teary and i cant stop yawning#unilock roleplay#roleplay#roleplayer#roleplay blog#unilock#college#uni student#university#student#student life#university life#academia#tired
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mm didn't get take out even though i was excited aaaall week for it :(( dunno, it's just so expensive and i feel like i've spent too much money lately. but now i feel like crud :((
#idk it feels like i havent had a proper meal since my mom left for her trip but i did make rice and pork chops yesterday!!#idk!! i feel out of control :0#i had big plans to meal prep and stuff but i don't have any motivation anymore#im too old to eat like a college student anymore but here i am#brandy rambles#or as essie calls it brambles
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55-75 dollars an hour for being a therapist? And all this time I’ve been giving services to adults for free since I was 10.
#I have a feeling that if I went into therapy it would be ridiculously easy for me#(maybe not the emotional side; but the creative interpersonal part)#Hell I could probably be someone’s therapist right now without going to college (not that I’m the healthiest person SJDNDJ)#but do as I say not as I do#But I am SO good at coming up with solutions and talking to people in an authoritative but non-threatening way#I can bond with anyone if you give me enough time to work my magic#and once that happens I develop superhuman levels of being attuned to them#I notice microscopic details in situations… I can just pick up people’s vibes#I’m almost what could be called an “empath” but I’m not because all I do is analyze and interpret data all day long#It’s an obsession and I like doing it#And as a result I have needlepoint precision in how I execute plans and interact with others in a work setting#but oddly enough not in day-to-day life… in day-to-day life I do whatever the hell I want#and usually whatever the hell I want constitutes staying fifty feet away from everyone#What kind of hell do I live in that I am a people person but simultaneously introverted to the point of being asocial?#I guess I like being around people if I’m paid to do it? Because it’s in a controlled setting and I know I can go home at a set time#I am prepared to interact with people at work; if I am not prepared I can do fuck all with people socially#A lady tried to talk to me about where I worked while I was in line at the bakery#She was like “Your tag… you work at [school]?”#And I was like “No I work at [other school]… Autistic students.” Then promptly moved to the back of the line#If I am there to eat; I am there to eat. I am not there to talk. No offense. My brain just isn’t calibrated for speaking at this time
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vent incoming:
got my grades back for my courses last semester and most of it was to be expected, mostly A's, maybe an A-, etc. but i honestly can't get over the fact that my independent study (the buddy cole documentary) was for some reason given a B. like sure getting a B isn't bad per se, I usually get at least one B every semester and i honestly don't really care about what my exact gpa is as long as i can graduate, but come on. this school put me through months of psychological torment over this project and didn't even have the nerve to give me a B+??? i'm still coping with the self-doubt they forced on me and this bullshit is not helping!!
#honestly it's kind of hilarious ngl. especially bc i also got my documentary work counted as an independent study the previous semester#and the previous semester even tho i barely worked on the doc itself#(mostly just planning and putting together the crowdfunding which was still a lot of work but like compare it to the past few months)#they were willing to give me an A (my school doesn't do A+ so this is the highest mark possible)#vs this semester. like i'll admit my final assignment was late and could have been more polished#but i was literally on tour in documentary-mode 24/7 for several weeks. i filmed an entire comedy special! i put together a live interview!#not to mention having to fucking negotiate with my own college censoring the footage they'd promised me of an event i put together#and play nice with a professor who literally outed me on twitter in an attempt to cancel one of my best friends#at this point the ''B'' feels more like a petty grudge than anything else#like ok we can't get away with *actually* fucking over jessamine's grades bc clearly ze did do the work. but let's just give zir a B#like i will admit the audio quality in my final isn't great. and i could have used more polished footage in some sections#but counterpoint: 100+ students were arrested at a protest while i was editing and i was having a mental breakdown#the fact that i finished *anything* is goddamn impressive especially after they essentially conditioned me to hate myself any time i was#working on a project i loved!!!#due to the aforementioned student arrests my college did put out an option where we could change any letter grade this semester to pass/fai#so anything passing wouldn't impact our gpa if we didn't want it to. so i could just change the B to a ''pass''#but really what's the point. ''B'' is still a good grade and my GPA is fine (3.65 on a 4.0 grading scale. 2.0 is required to graduate)#it just sucks that after what i went through last semester i feel like nobody takes it seriously#i was reminiscing earlier about how it's honestly kind of funny how after that professor outed me on twitter#i was at the hotel with scott like an hour later sobbing and having an existential crisis about my relationship to gender#and scott was so supportive but also awkwardly being like#''i know i should offer the crying child a tissue but where the fuck are the tissues in this room what do i do''#and he just handed me a full-on towel instead like oh my god he was trying his best but also so clearly out of his depth#but of course i then had to remember how when i told that story to a different professor to be like ''this is how much scott cares about me#this guy called me fucking UNPROFESSIONAL for crying in front of the subject of my documentary?????????#like yeah maybe so but how DARE you call me unprofessional when a different professor tweeted my full name and gender without my consent#in an attempt to fucking cancel one of my friends for ''misgendering'' me for using pronouns i'm fine with him using!!!#i don't think i'm ever going to be able to forgive my college and i don't know how i'll be able to get through one more semester#that experience genuinely changed things about my psychology that i'm not proud of and i need to work through#so if i have to miss a goddamn kids in the hall event because i have class this november i am going to set something on fire
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I can’t wait to go to school Tuesday so I can check out the student boutique and get cloth for free because my broke ass can’t afford fabric for cosplay. I love stimulating the mutual aid “economy” (They will get shut down if we don’t use them and then the clothes that usually go to there will go in the landfill instead.)
#also dw they have a LOT of clothes#I am not taking from anyone#it is literally made for all students#and dw#just need green fabric white fabric black fabric#also I don’t think my sewing machine works so I’m gonna hand stitch this Guy cosplay#and ofc I’m doing a slight gender bend cosplay#hopefully they have some really shitty beat up white leather/fake leather… bc I have a vision#if they don’t white leather might be the only shit I buy#cat rambles#cosplay#college student#college#non profits#cosplay plans
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genuinely it is so depressing to spend money drinking just to end up doing nothing interesting and just sitting around
#i need friends who like. doing things.#i need more friends in general but i mean yeah.#would love to have an actual college experience one day. I’ve been in college 4 years or so and I’ve never been to a party and I’ve never#made lasting/close friendships. since pre-covid I haven’t really made friends at all#all my friends (all four of them) are from high school#it’s really fucking pathetic actually how incapable I am of making friends or having a life#and it just feels like a huge fucking waste of time and a waste of a college environment#part of me wishes I would rent at a place full of mostly other students and get a roommate I don’t know (as much as that’s a bad idea if#it’s anything like last time) just so I can be around people and be forced to meet people#also so I can avoid getting lowkey fucked over because my friends I’m supposed to be renting with eventually don’t want to pay a#significant amount of rent and I’d end up paying way more than them just because they supposedly can’t afford it (we all have about the same#income.)#gehsdhdhdhshhd#they also want to rent a place with four of us total and I just. really don’t want to live with that many people. like I think it would#drive me fucking insane. I need control over my surroundings and that leaves me with no control and I don’t like it#and a million other reasons I don’t like the idea#it was originally just supposed to be me and one friend. so. this was not the plan#hahsgshhshh anyway kill me#I’m in that post-drinking state where all pleasant affects of the alcohol have long since worn off and I’m just sort of left a hollow shell#depressed and disappointed.#and I have to go to work this afternoon woohoo awesome so cool#kibumblabs
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Winterhawk idea. College AU.
Steve joins a Theather groupe 'cause he has a crush on Natasha, but he dont want to do it alone so he takes Bucky with him. Bucky is not a fan of this idea & complains a lot...but then he see this cute blonde & tall as fuck Guy who is doinig the background paintings (& the Make up) & Bucky is totally in love...& so he gets a role in the play...
They start to flirt...(Sam has to listen to Steves and Bucky crushes...poor guy...he just wants to learn & drinking is coffee in peace) ( & at some point Clint also has to act in the play because the dude who played that part had an accident & Nat was like 'I know someone who knows all the lines') & they fall in love...But Clint is Clint & at some point he gets afraid of his own feelings so he kind of ghost Bucky...
Big opening night...everthing is fine...but then they get of line & after a few yelling arguments...Bucky is like 'Because i love you, you fucking idiot' & Clint is all 'Why???" and BUcky explains & then they kiss...Happy end ^^
#coulson is the teacher for this & having a heartattack 'cause “This is not the script...please follow the script”#Side characters: Wanda costum desige & hair...#Clint is taking over Pietros part...#Darcy is coulsons assistant...#i have to plan out the rest...or if someone want to write it...#please be my guest ^^#because i for sure dont have the time#i just needed to get that idea out of my mind...#winterhawk#does a college have a theater thing???#i am not sure...but here they do :)#purpleidea...#& Clint is not a student...he just works outside the campus & is best friends with Nat & he gets paid to draw the backgrounds...
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WHY do no virginia colleges have nonfiction mfa programs except for the one i don't really like the nonfiction faculty at. it's not fucking fair.
(warning so much whining occurs in the tags)
#i am 90% confident that i could get into that one first try and get funding and not have to move but that's the problem#i want one where admission feels like a challenge this one admitted a person i knew in freshman year whose writing i thought sucked shit#and i realize that 'writing sucked shit in 2018' doesn't mean they might not be very good now but...... idk. one of the two nonfiction#faculty members just writes politics journalism which is NOT CNF!!!!!! the students seem really cool but that's true anywhere!!#but everything else i have to move states and risk jennys career for. and i dont want to do low res bc i wanna learn to teach#i realize that it's just a case of 'you want too fucking much katia' but it's not faaaair va has so many good colleges & no good cnf progra#the real answer is i will apply when i planned (a year from this fall) and let fate decide and jenny is smart and cool and will find a job#with the awareness that i'm limiting my mfa applications to large metropolitan areas for reasons besides Job Availability For Wife#it's just all so complicated and stressful#and to add insult to injury pittsburgh would be way easier than the midwest but THAT TOO has professors i like less#and faculty is key yknow#anyway the school i'm dunking on here will probably be my safety regardless i'd rather have An MFA than none at all i think#but bluhhhh it makes me sad#i would happily go to tech or uva if they HAD A CNF PROGRAM#well okay maybe moreso uva but only because tech is in the middle of nowhere#RIGHT AND ALSO UMD#WHICH FUNDS 100% OF THE PEOPLE IT ACCEPTS BUT AGAIN: NO NONFICTION#i shoulda been a fucking poet
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its only been 2 weeks but i just dont feel like i can do this.
its really stressful. the workload is always high. having a break isn't really a thing. and with how bad my schedule is (that i could not do anything about) i have to wake up extremely early (5-5:30am) and i come home in the evening (also 5-5:30 but pm). and i just have to dedicate that time to homework and i know there's going to be lots of all-nighters
i have no time to eat. im tired all the time. focusing on work is difficult in general, but my lack of eating and sleep make it worse. and while i know the exercise is good for me, having to walk a mile each way to and from home and all my walking on campus makes me very tired and sore. (im so petty)
i know im being overdramatic because its only been 2 weeks. but it gets worse from here on out. im really stressed and anxious all the time. and ive already broken down a few times. i want to cry right now because im under so much stress, but people are awake so i cant.
its so petty. i want to give up now and i keep contemplating, i thought about going to the rooftop and. well. you know. i want to drop out now but that would upset my family a ton (also its only been 2 weeks!!!). but i dont really like my family's idea that if they went to college and got their degrees, so can i. they all went to college so thats what was encouraged of me to do too after i graduated high school. and this is just community college. if im barely hanging on in community college id be dead by now in a uc or cal state, either one im planning to transfer to once im done at community college...
i knew i wasnt cut out for college. i knew it since before applying. i keep telling myself this is only until december. and when i register for the spring term i can hopefully form a much better schedule so im not stressed out and loaded with work all the time and i can actually take care of myself. so im trying to keep moving forward. but its only now september. i have 13 more weeks. and if these first two weeks were enough to kick my ass then im fucked for the rest of the semester. and probably my entire time at college.
#vent#i do not like that i break under pressure so easily#guess who has zero time to go see the psychiatrist and mention my medication isn't working so it cant help regulate my anxiety rn!!!!!!!!!!#i dont want to give up so easily. i feel like it'd be petty of me to do so especially so soon. and im being teased by family for my#complaints. but i really feel like i cant do this. at all.#maybe i could go seek the mental health services on campus but i dont really want to hear the same things over and over#i have a very strong feeling i know what they'll tell me. they get stressed af students like me going to see them all the time probably#i just. want to cry. this stress is terrible.#this was my plan. besides encouragement i wanted to attend community college then go to a 4-year. i feel like I cant give up yet#because this was my idea. i am now here doing what i had planned and now i want to back out. i dont have any right to back out of this#im doing what i wanted and what family wanted. leaving isn't an option what the hell am I thinking?
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In looking up something for the Christiane post, I came across the scene where Alex and Damon are trading the flash drive and it's so gross. Like, surely Alex must be making enough money to turn away jobs, so why would she accept a job that requires her to sleep with Michael's father to get information for Damon, who is supposedly their enemy at the moment? Is he paying her that much?
#and don't even get me started on her having a minor in computer science so that she can hack his system to get said information#what am i supposed to do with that?#either our main antagonist can't keep the 21 year old college student that's he's paying to sleep with out of his computer#where he keeps all his evil plans#or alex can literally do everything whenever it's convenient for her to do so#and has no problem sleeping with the enemy who's also her friend's father at the request of her closest friend's former best friend#but of course pd covers it with alex doesn't care about getting anyone's approval#it's not about whether i approve! i don't care what the characters are doing#as long as it makes sense#everyone in this situation is stupid#no character tags#because we don't tag hate
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Fridays in the dining halls are always So Funny
#our swipes reset at midnight and don’t Carry over#so it’s just a bunch of college students DESPERATLY trying to get our moneys worth out of these meal plans#I just dropped the equivalent of 30$ at one hall#and I’m going to Another after to get a ✨dessert pizza✨#someone has been given a full cardboard box and two bags#I am so curious as to what the actual FUCK they were buying#there’s one guy here who is ordering something. eating it. and then ordering something new#I have just discovered that this very obviously multi story building has a second floor to Wander#I thought it was blocked off. for some reason.#anyways my foods done see ya
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EVERYONE WANTS TO KILL ME IT SEEMS
#inhale. there are MULTIPLE vash cosplayers in cf rn. including vashwood.#there are *MULTIPLE* booths selling trigun merchs rn and doing giveaway/barter#there are ***MULTIPLE*** creators planning to do trigun events in near future#AND I AM BUT A COLLEGE STUDENT LIVING OUTSIDE THE METROPOLIS#IM JEALOUSSSSSSSSSS I HAVE TO SIT DOING SCHOOLWORK I CANT GO EVEN IF I FINISHED THESE EARLIER#WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#I KNOW I'VE SAID THIS A MILLION TIMES BUT I WANNA GO TO CF :((#MY FAVE ARTIST'S TRIGUN ARTPRINTS LITERALLY SOLD OUT IN DAY 1 IM GONNA CRY#I'LL JUST HAVE TO HOPE THE ONLINE CON CATALOGUE HAS WHAT I WANT#WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#im lucky my friend is mutuals with said artist but who knows when they'll restock#I NEED PURI I NEED STICKERS I NEED KC I NEED FS#sorry everyone krishna is in his khilaf era
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Y'all being considered part of the professional staff at work is still so jarring urhgyrhyujk
But I'm super proud of myself for getting to where I'm at today, and I think I deserve to be <3
#a good jarring tho!!!#I'm very proud of myself for getting my foot in the door as quickly as I did#to think about a year ago I wasn't in the position I am now#and 2 years now fresh out of my associates degree#and now I just have to wait for my new major declaration paperwork to process then it's on to my second associate + my bachelor!#I'm really glad I decided to go at my own pace and didn't let others pressure me into doing all 4 years at once#school during covid fucking sucked I'm honestly still surprised I was able to come out with a 3.9 gpa#planning to keep it that way btw ;)#calc 2 is gonna suck tho I started slacking on my studying I gotta get on that again#flavio specifically out of my f/os is proud of me considering it was his game that literally got me through 2020 and 2021#honestly shout out to all the college students who had to struggle through 2020 and 2021 those years for school SUCKED#I'm very proud of everyone who gave it their all and tried their best <3#data log: personal
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alt*rnative spr*ng br*ak day 1. i need to be on campus in 3.5 hours. i have packed nothing and have done no laundry. i have not prepared for any of the facilitation i need to do today. i am experiencing physical symptoms of anxiety and burnout ♥️
#this is my first time ever doing an in person asb and also my first time being part of the asb planning process and i am soooooo nervous and#unprepared and overwhelmed. and i volunteered myself as the staff member staying at the hotel making sure no one gets into trouble and#responding to crises / emergencies if they arise and i may be assigning more importance / weight to that role than there actually is given T#that they are all college students and i am less than a year removed from being a college student myself. but i am so nervous i want to#redacted. and i am not prepared for the situations that might arise. at all whatsoever. lollllll#purrs#btw unlike the retreat tag or the conferences im name dropping asb bc like every school has them and a lot of schools have spring break this#week. so i am not doxxing myself 😈 (and i didn’t need to tell u that but im doing it lol. aaaaand post)#delete later#also the amount of stress i have been under lately w work is like. actually insane and we are not getting a break (though i should take one#lol) but after this is over i will have my life back a little bit maybe and i hate to say im looking forward to it so much but i am. i just#want to rest and recover. it’s literaly been nonstop since we were abandoned in july (lol) and i feel so crushed by the weight of everything#we’ve been carrying and how much responsibility i have had to take on in my FIRST YEAR!!!!!!!!! and i would’ve gone crazy if i hadn’t takej#on big responsibilities ofc bc of my mental illness <3 but the impostor syndrome + the relentlessness intensifying every single day are just#so so so heavy to carry. and i can feel my mind and body and heart giving out but i have to keep pushing forward
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