#I am SO tired and I want to STAY HOME
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I finished so little art this year
#kas shoosh#I think it was mostly burn out from work#like only until just now have I had more than a day off consecutively#and then everyone in the office acting like we get special treatment and have the most glamorous lives#I am SO tired and I want to STAY HOME#also rich people food sucks major ass#nothing beats the 1000 yen okonomiyaki from the place near my house idc if it costs 10000000 yen#these little french portions seasoned with just a touch of salt like EUGH WHAT DID YOU EVEN COLONIZE A MILLION SPICE-RICH COUNTRIES FOR???#alright that was a tangent#but someone was like “I bet you get to eat at a lot of fancy restaurants” and no I don't actually#and the rare times I do at the same time they are for work it SUCKS#Also imagine eating at a fancy restaurant who you don't want to piss off while your rich guests act like they own the world#not fun
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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de stress doodles w my fursona:3
#i can finally draw a septum on my fursona oh my gaw….#shapeshifter who chooses to mainly stay as a hyena my beloved#for the more accurate doodles of them they don’t have extra ear piercings. instead they have scarring#don’t pierce yourself at home#or do#I am so tired#art#my art#furry#fursona#furry art#fursona art#my ocs#my fursona#doodles#imon my 5th day working. i have to work 2 more days. i will be working for a week straight . i want to sit at home andDraw
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#Just one of those nights again#I'm not even joking when I say I'm going insane#But God has said I'm not allowed to go insane yet >:(#I have to sit my cute li'l butt down and stay in my holding pattern#I'm SO TIRED of it#I want my HOME back I want my LIFE back#I am one really bad day from doing something REALLY stupid and reckless#I want - to - jump#He has always caught me before#But. Again. He says I'm not allowed to jump. He has Plans and I must not ruin them.#I'm going insane#I'm going insane I'm going insane I'm going insane I'm going insane I'm going insane I'm-#Screaming into the void#(Bratting into the void really but I don't have a sorting tag for that one)#Youtube
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#nothing makes me truly reaffirm my commitment to being poly like the day after a rugby match#i love my bf. i love them wholly and truly for who they are. i dont want them to change outside of healing. y'know that being the best you.#but i dont want them to be someone else. so the fact theyre not a coddling caregiver isnt something I'm ever going to change in them.#they bring me coffee and check in on me and set reminders for my meds and tell me when they have to leave for errands with mum#but they always have to see to other responsibilities because they are that person.#and I love them for that. i love them for being a dutiful son and a pragmatic foreman who prepares for the week.#what does this have to do with polyam james you may ask? well ill tell you-#im learning as i have been for a while now#that as i am a chief caregiver for many ppl in my life including bf and now the ruggers (im a board member)#i deeply deeply DEEPLY want/need care when im in crisis or at a low point and theres no low point quite like post match#when your systems are coming down from adrenaline and everything fuckin hurts like hell and whats worse you're injured#im not good at being taken care of i acknowledge that. but to be coddled and handled with care rn?#have someone to sit with me and make me food and eat with me and help me stay tethered and hold me a bit and smoke with me#idk not even in a sex sense just to be held and cared for#thats why poly am is a thing for me. i love my partners and I dont want to change them i dont want to force all this on them#certain needs can be met by certain ppl in certain ways etc but love is love it is always love its just shown differently#as i was writing this bf called to say he was bringing home nonalc beer for me. i know he loves me. i know he cares. it's just different.#tbd im so very tired and achy and weepy today dont mind me#the match was great for the squad but im not thrilled with myself#hence wanting to curl up in a hole and not come out
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#VENT#VENT TAGS AHEAD !!#so the job is...awful.#i applied for 20-25 hours#they asked if i could do 30#and now theyre pushing me into 40.#i didn't realize that when i agreed to 30 that was NOT binding (i should have known because it wasn't in my job offer. but i am 19 and--#ive never had a job offer letter before. even tho this is just retail)#and i can't adjust my availability for 90 days.#and since i put full availability expecting 25 hours max#now i have FULL 24/7 AVAILABILITY ON FILE for three months at least#and i have no idea what to do because this means i cant commit to any classes coming up for college#but ive been job hubting for months and barely got anything#and if i lose the job i have to move back in with my dad which is almost worse#whats wirse is my leader/boss is so mean. im not saying this lightly#i dont want to get into it but im barely a week in and he's made disrespectful and pushy comments towards me#has basically told me to stay late (which theoretically i cluld say no; but im still on my three months of 'we will fire you if we want to'#and like i said. need the job.#so he told me to stay late knowing i cant really say no#he's given me a frankly absurd amount of work (instock and i get carts filled woth 2-3x their max capacity unorganized and dangerously--#overloaded) and then he pushes me and snaps at me to get it done in an absurdly short timeframe while im still in TRAINING#im afab and present femme as i haven't transitioned irl and he is so ragingly sexist#he often just refers to me and the other girl being trained as 'girl' or 'that girl#and to top it all off#i took this job over a second interview at a place i really liked#because i thought the hours at this olace would be more consistent#nope! full time! surprise!!#and now im kicking myself so fucking hard over it. i feel like i fucked up so hard#and my friend i moved here with has been home for two months and will be this month so im just. alone. and i don't really have anyone to#turn to. im just so very stressed and tired and lonely
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I am awake! i am living! i am FERAL! This litle update has me absolutely SPINNING Firstly just allow me to say that everything is just oh so so CUTE The costumes, the sprites, the 19 minute long audio, the COOKBOOK my beloved!! But anyways, theory time!! Well more like observations, thoughts and unhinged ramblings XD Gonna put it Down Below:
Speaking of that. First observation is the wording of Down Below We usually talk about waving up high! It is said so many times!
But now we finally have our official "As Above, So Below" My first thought on this is the theme of a stage, "As above the stage, down below the stage" But I truly dont think we have enough information to make a connection quite yet We know where "Down Below" is I wonder where "As Above" is? The second thing is the Wally Darling costume And the Eyes
I realize now that the Eyes are actually just holes and showing whatever is underneath, BUT I still can't help thinking that this was intentional! Perhaps it's some sort of Code? Afterall, his eyes are Black!
Now to get into the MEAT here: Spoilers if you have not found the secret audio! during the secret audio "Listen" The bug found on the transcript
Wally stares directly at the "eddie" apple as he eats the apple on the plate (I also just wanted a screenshot of the "eyes" in the BG)
and now… now i have theories hang on cause it involves the entire transcript that was said but not said in the transcript itself! (In fact, it says this part is not there!! but it IS) so i typed it out by ear (also ayoo we have a narrator!!) (also there is a lot of 4th wall breaking and quite a few neighbors seem to know that there is a show/that they are puppets) (but anyways!) ok but here is what is said in the story It is because this town is rumored to have visitors at night… Something from deep within the forest, far beyond the hills and mountains… No one knows what it wants or where it’s going, just that it is persistent.. Just that it arrives here. So many stories have risen about their origins… But I know what it is searching for. it is looking for neighbors who have stayed up past the daytime, to gobble them up whole that is why so few live here it moves through the streets at night, but it doesnt break into Homes However, on rare instances, it will find itself with an appetite unsatisfied by its aimless wanderings even the occasional unfortunate insect that has crossed its path, is not enough those who have lived through the nights say, it isn't quiet about it either they always say you can hear when it gets closer to you do you know what sound it makes? I hear it, every night. you can hear it too, if you listen especially if you wait next to your window First, there's rustling in the bushes Then, the scratching on the pavement, and the walls.. as it crawls up Finally, if you're quiet.. You can hear it's guttural sound ok ok so there seems to be a theme going on here and the theme is Hunger And also when the audio gets all garbled and skipping? I feel like it is saying..."Frankly" over and over? I could be overthinking, but it is what i hear!! it almost feels like Wally.. can't control his hunger he was supposed to be watching Barnaby's apple Barnaby even says "Don’t worry though, kid, there’s plenty’a other eats here! What’re you feelin’ hungry for, Wally?" and he is quick to draw attention away from wally, as he tends to do a LOT barnaby seems to Know a LOT about Wally, and thats why he sort of has to be his babysitter? I think that there could be a connection here I think Wally was HUNGRY, he was absolutely STARVING OR OR Maybe something else was Hungry? Home?? Whatever the black goo/mold is?? If something is controling Wally? His eyes are black, the Goo is black, the goo is coming from Home But also also [It sounds like Barnaby pats the camera.] Going back to my theory of wally being the camera/ the audience surrogate/his eyes are cameras This is fuel to my fire!! Oh and also the Wally Costume add to the motif of You being able to see through Wally's eyes. Of You and Wally being connected through his Eyes!! But at the end of the day, I think this update revolves around Eddie! This little bug on the rock is Purple! Which we know is Eddie's Color!
And just that that doodle looks like the bug that leads to the secret Audio where Eddie's apple is brought to the screen.. Leads me to feel like something forboding is going on for our poor, dear sweet Mailman! Which by the way, just another little Observation But Sally doesnt seem enthused by the fact that Eddie is a fellow Arts lover? and she just calls him "Mailman" rather than an affectionate longname like she does with everybody else But it does feel like Eddie is the Type to give his heart and soul to everyone, the shirt from his back, only for him to get left in the dirt u_u I'm noticing a trend of him being the neighborhood punching bag Eddie IS the mailman tho! So it only makes sense that he is the one delivering the letters to the WHRP. He is not the one writing them, he's just the delivery guy! But I think he could be being sent out at night When everyone else is asleep And I think something terrible may happen to him It's very dangerous to go out at night and This could be where Eddie is ripped in half/mangled Wally fixes him of course! (old theory but it does reference that) So is Wally just using Eddie to serve whatever purpose he is after? Eddie is a very compliant guy, he would do anything for anyone and if he can be put back together, where is the harm? I am starting to make connections! Stringing together the pieces! And once again, i'm getting the question of "Is Wally Evil?" And once again, I am answering with a solid "No" Do I think that he could be slightly morally askew? With the themes of "I must do what I need to do, no matter what happens" "I'm sorry, but this is how it must be" "The ends justifies the means" Possibly, maybe. Especially if it is to save his Neighbors, his World, his Home. Or, Just some of his actions are not his, he is a puppet afterall. Anyways anyways, this has been a very very long and rambly tangent. Hopefully there can be some sense made from this, I know that I can be a bit jumpy with my thoughts!! But these are my inputs for now!! Feel free to add on/correct me! (I know the one link is out of cannon date, but so was the Frankly picture, and it was made cannon, so take it with a grain of salt)
#i am UNHINGED#i am not good with putting my thoughts into words but I TRIED#u can tell i have ADHD the way i jump from topic to topic#i tried to go back and make it flow a bit better but hnnn well i hope it isnt too spazzy#also please excuse typos. i LOOKED but i know i cant type very well#i am silly and i just want to draw wally a million times PLEASE#but i have to finish inktober ;w; uwaaaaa#why does so much cute stuff happen NOW? in this holy month of my yearly art challenge?? im in ANGUISH#i feel so tired from staying up to 2am and burning my brain into the night#but anyways#jazzisaspazz#wh theory#theory#wh spoilers#whps#wally darling#welcome home wally#i lowkey want to tag theneighborhoodwatch but i know that my ramblings are sorta jumbled XD#there is so much to think about!!
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The thing about dance rn for me is that I’m like “I know I should stay home but I rlly want to go to dance” even though I had class/rehearsal last night and have class/rehearsal tomorrow because I want non-company class but it’s still with the assistant artistic director of the company but it’s Different
#also bc I want to take it on pointe#and honestly there’s like a 0% chance of me actually doing what I need to do if I stay home tonight#so I probably am going to go and then just be so tired#per usual#my legs are sore af from yesterday’s Pt/class#but my feet looked rlly good in rehearsal so 🤔 maybe I am onto something#personal#I’m so ready to pass out in this Uber tho#the week of staying up till 1 rlly caught up to me all at once
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on another note
#4-5ish months i’ve been the main (i’m pretty sure only) person cleaning every weekend#my only days off and through the week clean dishes or load up the washer and pick them up#occasionally someone else w load it but not pick up or vice verse#november i lost all motivation i ask for help i get told they’re tired or they work or later or im met w but i did xyz the other day blah bl#blah blah yk#i tried to clean in nov but i just can’t im tired it’s constant that im cleaning i want to do things not go from work to home for chores to#also cook and then clean up dinner because i also have a job#and when i do something im not like OH well i did xyz! so i won’t do that …no i just say okay because why bring up what i already did things#need to be done why are you arguing with me like we want to bring up receipts? i’ll bring them up#i’m cleaning up clothes that’s not mine i’m cleaning up shit piss ans throw up of a dog that is not mine i walk said dog occasionally#but nope not the other way around why would they do any of that when it’s not theirs ?#i ask them to pick one day to make dinner nope i can’t i’m busy i have xyz …okay i have work gym appts errands too#and since i have cleaned in like a month or over it’s a mess but no one has taken action to fix that it’s just it’s messy in here#that’s why i hate if you need help ask. .#I ASK I DONT GET HELP you ask i help but god forbid i ask#‘but you clean weird’ ‘you do a deep clean’ it’s a regular clean i clean to clean not to light dust and see it be back to how it was in a#day or two. deep clean is i’m up in a ladder cleaning the vents cleaning cabinets shelves i can’t regularly reach or are hard to get to and#honestly that should be a monthly thing#weekly is wipe down appliances. sweep swiffer vacuum and mop the floors. wipe countertops and flat surfaces. flip the chairs around tighten#bolts wash the tablecloth clean the table. vacuum the couches lint roll any cloth surfaces. clean or wipe down the stove/microwave depending#on how dirty. clean bathroom tub toilet sink floors mirror. this is not a deep clean w that you get the fridge and dishwasher windows move t#the furniture to clean under that. i am tired and i dont ever get to finish everything#bathroom stays last and weekends are only so long i also go to the gym or need to go to the store or have ot to do#and ik i brought up here that im depressed but im not bring that up to them because regardless these things need to get done be it a the#worlds slowest pace but does need to happen and i don’t want to use that as an excuse because i will just let myself lay in bed and not show#shower or move does this mentality eat away at me maybe idk but it’s what my parents gave me and it’s not changing i don’t think so here we#are.#we can wait another month and i might be on the up but ill be down again so 🤷♀️#like actually i can use a lot of things as an excuse but that doesn’t help anyone does it ?
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i know i shouldn’t but i really really really want to call in for tonight
#i need the money and i don’t want to get written up#but god#turns out there might be something even worse going on than we thought with my car#and i spent all that money for nothing#and now i have a car u can’t drive and a five grand loan i still have to pay off#and i didn’t get any sleep at all despite my best efforts#and everything just constantly going wrong and im so fucking tired of it all#and i legitimately do not know how much more of this incessant pain i can endure#and im so tired#and i want to stay home#i feel like i am on the verge of fullly completely snapping#snow.txt
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I’ve been playing around with that in this cruising fic
ooooooooooh i need this fic
I’m going to try and post in the next few day, anon! We have our actor and crew Christmas party today, but I’m not planning on staying long (famous last words for me, haha), and then I have the next two days off all of my jobs (!), and it’s close enough that I think I can get it done ;-)
#I usually only stick my head into the actor and crew Christmas party for a couple of hours to say hi#most of them haven’t seen each other since they last were in a show together and want to catch up#whereas they all see me all the time in the office haha#that said two of the actresses tallied me into staying for the whole thing last time AND coming out for kick-ons#but I am so tired after the gig yesterday lol#I am going home to lie on the bed and re-read my fic to work out what’s left to do on it haha
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I'm going on a ghost hunt tomorrow
#actually I need to check my phone to see if I still am#but hopefully I am because I charged all the equipment and packed it up#omg nvm these people are so annoying#like the third time they've made me organise all my equipment just for something to happen last minute#and it was THEIR PLANS#I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO GO BECAUSE I THINK THIS DUDE IS JUST CRAZY T____T#it's fine because I'm happy to stay home and draw but I'm angry they keep making me prepare all my crap like bro it's tiring#and I could be doing other things#but no I spent an hour gathering all my shit and making sure it was all charged and in its proper safety bags#also wanting me to bring my equipment but not wanting to drive me lol?????????#yknow what fuck u guys I'm gonna keep waiting for ghost people who aren't wildly unreliable lmao
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guess who has a final due tomorrow and has hardly started working on it hahahaha...
#friday chats#my brain just will not stay in focus mode long enough. am i screwed? perhaps#man what happened :(( last year i was whipping out 1000-word essays that earned me decent Bs in under five hours#on the day the essays were due.#this year i've failed to turn in two essays and have struggled to complete most of my homework. esp this second semester#(not in a difficulty way in a ''i get home and i can't bring myself to do jack shit'' way)#it's like. as soon as i leave school premises my focus and energy go whoosh#obviously i've heard adults talking about senior-itis since freshman year#but they always made it sound like a laziness ''i'm almost done so idc anymore'' way#what the fuck is this then. i'm just TIRED and MISERABLE. i want to be DONE so i can REST#(and even then once school's out i'll still have fuckin' COLLEGE STUFF TO SORT OUT)#banging my head on the desk when does it END
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im gonna put like. the bulk of the details/medical stuff under the cut but! uh, totally fun news from yesterday, I had a seizure for the first time and spent a good chunk of the day in the ER
Obviously, this has never happened(that I'm aware of) to me before in my nearly-26-years of life. It only only last somewhere between 2-5mins according to Steph, although I was incredibly confused and disoriented for ~15mins after I came to. As much as the whole ordeal has sucked, I think the absolute scariest part was seeing Steph's face once I was coherent again. Like she's so stoic, has only cried a handful of times that I've know her, a veritable wall of stone in all ordeals. Seeing her well and truly scared for me shocked me back into the present real quick. I don't think I'm gonna be able to forget that face for awhile
The hospital did some scans + tests, although the majority of what those will mean will have to wait for more analysis. The doctor however, was very very certain this was epilepsy related, rather than bacterial/other causes. Obviously since they still need to analyze the tests tho, they have no idea if this is a one-off thing or if I'm gonna have to be on medication for the rest of my life
They're gonna have me on anti-seizure meds until the tests are back, just as a precaution though. Now that I've rested, I don't really feel dizzy/confused/weak anymore thankfully. My chronic back pain is defs worse from the tensing + my shoulder's a little fucked up, but I'm used to ache-y bones/joints and Im confident I can handle that for now
Anyways, I thought it would be important to let y'all know, cause a lot of y'all who follow me are friends/acquaintances. It's also a nice way to be like "hey, I wanna stay active to recover from this, but if I don't have the energy, here's why" too.
#personal#twas not a fun experience and i hope so much that its a one off thing#im also tired and wanna stay home#but steph is worried about leaving me home alone and wants me to come to work with her so she can keep an eye on me#which is. not a bad idea obvs#and her work is much much MUCH closer to our local hospital#so as tired as i am..i also dont mind bc i dont want to scare her again
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the want to see my friends vs the not want to get on 4 more buses today
#my friend told me yesterday that they were talking about doing sth today and i was like cool okay#but then today my other friend was like actually i have to do some things so we wont go there#and i accepted it and went into staying home mode#but now theyre saying that we will go and i do want to go see them but i am so so tired#and i didn't even study at all cause i thought i had time to do it later (also i was completely procrastinating and lost track of time)#also my friends boyfriend is gonna be there too :/ hes an okay guy but i want to spend time with my friends not him#whatever i need to go get ready#jo says stuff#personal ramblings
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In addition to just not wanting to get up and go to work today I have a headache and feel like I didn’t get any sleep last night
#the entire upper left quadrant of my head hurts rn#and my jaw is tight too which isn’t making it any better#praying that my manager ends up switching my position with someone else like she did yesterday 🙏🏻 bc that was nice I liked it#they put me in the same position every day and it just gets to be so tiring#also wish they would let me leave like an hour early today#also also I’m getting tired of being scheduled in half an hour after I used to be scheduled in and I’m not exactly sure why they changed it#well actually it’s probably because the scheduling manager wants me to stay an hour to half an hour later than I was being scheduled#but I miss my old schedule it let me do things before we opened that I don’t have time to do now but am still expected to do#and let me off early enough that I didn’t feel like my entire afternoon was wasted by the time I got home (even tho it’s literally a 1hr#difference so it’s not like all that much time has been wasted it just feels like it)
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