#I am NOT getting enough sleep tonight
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All I wanted was some domestic farm jalex but here I am crying because there’s a spider in the bathroom
#NAH CUS THAT THING HAS A DIAMETER OF ONE AND A HALF INCHES#AND ITS NOT LIKE SPINDLY EITHER THAT RHING IS BUILT#ABSOLUTELY FUCKING HORRIFIED#neon has bug phobia#(I recognize that spiders are arachnids but continue to hold my belief that arachnids should be part of the bug family)#neon has arachnophobia#neon has entomophobia#but like fr#like actually do not come into my dms talking about insects I will have a panic attack like actually#I have nightmares it’s bad and awful#I am NOT getting enough sleep tonight#hear me out#I play the sims#in the dark#im not gonna do it I need to sleep#and my mom will murder me#which is hilarious because im an adult and she does the same shit#but whatever#hnnnnnnn#okay fine but only to get the cas done#neon plays the sims#neons jalex farming sim
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We ( @pumpkin-fairy02 and I ) took Sabine to watch a charity dog show in the park, she was absolutely amazed by all the potential friends in one place! 🐶🐾
#Sabine should sleep well tonight 😂 and so will I 😴#Sabine did not enter the dog show but she thoroughly enjoyed cheering on the dogs she had already met#Ootd#Cannot thank the bestie and the beastie enough for getting me out of the house! What a lovely afternoon#Even if I am once again suffering for it. But this time bc unusually intense hay-fever 🤧#satans knitwear#Pupdate (puppy update)
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ok so i left for a little while. i dont want to think about stuff. sorry. not doing so great
#siveine saturday#i wore this to the club hoping to dance and sleep in a bed tonight.#alas. i am not hot enough to get picked up by cute girls at the club
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good news: i am feeling way better overall, the antibiotics are doing their job & i am way thankful for it. i've also got some appointments to keep up on the og issue & dealing with this has put me on the fast track to getting / keeping insurance!
bad news: i do think i got sick from sitting next to a little girl in the er & that is kicking my ass so everything in my life is way behind right now. i want to write, but i have to clean house before i clean drafts lmao
#ooc.#tbd.#personal.#i did have a post tht i ended up deleting abt what is actually going on#but it is personal / gross so i didnt want to talk abt it on the dash#im hoping however to maybe tend to some messages tonight#but im making soup & i've been sleeping like a ton which has put me on the right track to feeling better#i am however frustrated w the amount of sleep i need from a mix of being sick & recovering from the original issue#+ i am extremely frustrated because a lot of groceries went bad because i was not well enough to cook w them#++ i am even MORE frustrated because the whole apartment has kind of fallen apart bcs my partner is not helping w chores#which is like okay because he works & i dont rn i am just starting to feel insane bcs the dishes stink & the fridge stinks & litter stinks#plus i also when working go in & out of phases of doing chores it just is a lot to handle to have such a nasty space & be helpless abt it#i am hoping to get enough energy in me to deal w it today tbh
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Happy Out of Touch Thursday
Out of Touch Thursday- Class Acts Style
#out of touch thursday#class acts#out of touch#brandon rogers#alex rimmer#chad damiani#mr ball#claire atlas#morgana ignis#this killed me- i simply had to clip it#i want to know which one of them has the tumblr account lmao between this and all the refs in helluva yall best be knowing they know#anyways#i love class acts and i love tv30 and i love tumblr and my heart is full and i am sleepy#i had to uninstall ark on my pc to have enough storage space to export this#pc gaming is not what it fucking used to be#all these games charging double digit GB space- who do they think they are?!#anyway#i need to sleep#i queued this#its 10:55pm est on wednesday currently#hi futurte#furute#future#oh god#i cant spell at alllll#ok nighty night#why do i always type a billion tags#if you are still reading hi ily#get some sleep tonight fren
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Did driving practice today. Actually did parallel parking practice this time, even tho I really didn't want to still. Finally got it into my head that I can maybe do this.
SO......
I have scheduled my driving test. For November 13th, 3 weeks from today.
#speculation nation#IM SO NERVOUSSSSS but i need to do it. i need to. worst case scenario i fail and have to try again another day.#i was actually gonna try to schedule for a week from today but they were full up for the next 2 weeks.#so. 3 weeks! my therapist is gonna be happy for me when i tell her haha#this is. something ive been avoiding for over 10 years now. but i decided at the start of this year that This would be my year.#Year Of Unfuck My Life. and im finally doing it. im going to finally get my license.#it's so. huge actually. a similar level of Holy Shit factor as me graduating.#which seems like an uneven comparison but honestly ive just been so so so scared of this driving test#an insurmountable obstacle bc i was stuck at school away from family to help me practice etc etc#very tied up with me being stuck at school for so long actually. the neverending purgatory of being Stuck In Place.#but my cousin lives closer to me now and hes been helping me out. and i am so very grateful.#augh augh augh augh. life is so busy and it feels like everything is happening at once AAAAAAAAAAAA#but im taking it all in stride. i am. oh god i might have to just practice and then take my audition video all on the same day.#bc i am too tired to deal with it rn and i have an exam tomorrow so idk if i can practice then. also i have to clean.#i will make it work. i will make something work. for the love of fucking god i will make it work.#no time to write barely any time to relax but thats okay i am Go Go Going and trying to keep enough time to sleep#(prior few nights being the..exception lol.)#i certainly wouldnt want to live this way for too long. but just a few more months. i can do it.#next semester hopefully wont be as busy. i'll have 3 hard classes but if im lucky they wont even have much homework.#i can do it. i can get through it. i will get my license in 3 weeks (manifesting) and i will get my own car.#i will find a new apartment to live in. i will Hopefully find a job.#within a year my life is going to be much much different.#my life is Already much much different than it was just a year ago. tho this year has been more... metamorphosis.#in a year's time. i will be 28 years old. and the pieces will Finally be falling into place (hopefully!!!!!)#for now. god i need to rest. will probably go to sleep early tonight. need to be rested for my exam tomorrow.#first tho i gotta shower and feed both me and the cats. yes.
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#vent#vent post#cw negative#Seven’s Public Diary#wish i wasn’t so fucking worthless and useless and stupid and selfish and mean#i am just so goddamn sick of my own bullshit. but i never change#i’m so tired of being weighed down by my 56492 mental illnesses. i don’t like being like this#my sleep schedule is so fucked up again and im tired of this constant cycle#this constant fight and endless effort to stay on a goddamn routine#all i want for christmas is a goddamn consistent sleep schedule#i hate sleeping through the day and being up all night but it’s like my body was fucking built for that or something#i don’t like it!! i want to be an early bird who goes to bed at 8pm and wakes up before the sun rises!!! but im the exact opposite!!!!!!!#i wish i just didn’t need to sleep at all. that would be the ideal. so many problems would be solved.#no i Really wish i just had the ability to fall asleep and wake up whenever i actually Want To instead of my body calling the shots#fell asleep at 9 this morning and im so mad that i didn’t get up when i was woken up at 11#a 2hr nap would’ve been fine and i would’ve made it through the rest of the day and been able to fucking sleep again tonight#but noOOooOoOo i had to give in to the allure of my warm cozy bed and fall back asleep for 9 more goddamn hours#now once again im too awake and rested to be able to go back to sleep. but once morning rolls around im gonna be exhausted again#and i’ll either give in and attempt to take a ‘nap’ and it’ll turn into a 12hr sleep again#or i’ll have to like. walk laps around the fucking house just to keep myself awake through the day#and i’ll be super irritable as a result and make everyone around me miserable too#but everyone is already beyond fed up with my issues and behavior. rightly so i guess. so i lose either way#god there was so much stuff i was gonna/supposed to do today#i don’t know how much longer they’re gonna put up with me being such a deadbeat#you think that’d like. motivate me to get my shit together or something but no. i’m addicted to being unconscious i guess#sleep feels so fucking good. until i wake up. which is funny bc it’s all nightmares and stress dreams anyway. why do i even enjoy sleeping#i guess bc for the first few hours after waking up i experience some modicum of relief from my other mental illnesses’ symptoms#like a soft reset.#and it’s the Only thing that gets rid of my migraines so god forbid i get one of those bc then i Have to sleep regardless of the time of day#anyways! :) that’s enough whining for one vent post. time to go do something productive
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dear gods i adore horror tbh but i am way too sensitive to it
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#idk how to describe 'sensitive' rn i'm dying in the head i should be asleep but Man!!!!!#i search up tons of horror stuff for funsies. movies uhh creepypastas stories real life events etc. fun!#BUT it freaks me out wayyy too much. bcs i really don't deal well w Those feelings of paranoia.#my imagination too good i was scared at night going to sleep bcs i'd imagine what to do if an intruder came in from the bedroom door#or bathroom door and think of how i'd escape Death.........#Did Not Help my area before was kinda yk. chillax. chillax meaning grassy tree-sy backyard overgrown trees#old-ish in a filipino chill neighborhood that isn't very fancy ?????? idk.#and the fact one time my dad almost died and someone standing close to him Did die so. haha. traumatized from that.#I WASN'T THERE..... but i rmbr my dad coming home and the news absolutely terrified me. anyway!#wow... rambling on tumblr at 3 and a half am... Nostalgic.#anyway yeah i love love love horror stuff but i am !!! so bad w them !!! like jesus christ i adore resident evil and bloodborne#is my whole bloodline. or something. but i can't even watch my twin kill 1 zombie in a re game Demo (she can't do it either)#and i can only make it to killing the first monster in bloodborne and explore a tiny bit where there are still no enemies. god.#AAAGGGGHHHhhhh ... and the first point of horror in omori then i stop playing for months...... even tho i rlly wna play more :((#2024 ........ cmon... i will try to overcome my fears more.#i've improved somewhat at least! ...from when i was younger. like. man. i could never stay in night-time in games ever.#ffxv? nah i always have to travel at morning. only when i got strong enough that daemons were nothing to me did i stop#getting scared. ouuughhh... and i always try to be stealthy in games........... for many reasons ofc but 1. Scared#okay i shut up now. apollo rambles of tonight: done and over!
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I had a very tiresome day and I’m totally worn out but I saw a lot of good Palestine posts that I’ll try to reblog soon and in the meantime, everyone who sees this should go look at the free Palestine tag (and participate in the global strike, do whatever you can to get governments’ attention and force them to stop killing people).
#my post#personal#the tags are just me talking about myself so you should go read the free Palestine tag instead lol#I had to go to the dentist urgently for pain and it was very stressful but at least it’s over now#hopefully I won’t get covid 😅#I did have energy to call my reps and I’m probably gonna try to do that every day this week#I always do it at least once a week now but maybe if I’m annoying enough they’ll pay attention?#you’d think being a good person and standing up for human rights would be motivation enough but alas#and I’m not buying anything of course#I don’t have a job or school to strike from#I wanna organize events but I am so goddamn tired all the time#especially tonight#I’m about to go to sleep and it’s not yet 9 pm (for context I often stay up until like 5 am)
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honestly i'm so happy i'm at a point in my life where I'm able to pause and take a deep breath whenever i feel emergency overwhelmed emergency!!!! and instead of crying i just say 'hmm yeah did NOT get enough sleep last night' before going on with my day. i take such genuine pleasure in being able to tell my whacky, hyper alarmist amygdala 'it's not that deep.'
#currently#anyway i did not get enough sleep last night and i AM feeling very overwhelmed but like#truly it's not that deep. let's go to bed early tonight. problem solved.#i do wish that work/union/moving would stop kicking into over drive at the same time tho#meanwhile my brain wants to write and i. cannot do that at this time.#clearly i need to start knitting another sweater#classic j move: packing up the entire house & still wanting to go to the yarn store to buy gasp MORE YARN
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There Is Someone In My House And They Know I'm Here They Saw My Car On The Driveway I've Been Living Alone In The House For The Last 2 Days I'm Not Ready To Meet A Roommate I Don't Want To Put Pants On Or Get Out Of Bed And I Haven't Even Gotten To A Beaded Row On My Knitting Yet
#my sibling just called and said that the tattoo shop in town is taking walk-ins for the next hour and a half anf asked if they should get#their first tattoo right now. and our parents hate tattoos and our extended family fucking hates tattoos#oh my god i'm too young to have raised a 20 year old i'm not ready for these kinds of questions#and i haven't even gotten to a beaded row on my knittinggggggggg and that was the only thing getting me through work today :(#and it's my bedtime in fucking 20 something minutes and i'm not gonna get to one tonight and still get enough sleep before work and my baby#sibling might be getting a fucking tattoo how am i meant to sleep in these conditions!#girl. the stress.#a post
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#unhappy#disappointed#generally sad#feeling a bit alone#i want to cry but stupid testosterone won't fucking let me#everything is wrong right now#i have nothing and am nothing#it's like that saying would ya miss me if i was gone#idk if these feelings are from my migraine meds but man it's kicking my ass tonight#vent#maybe i should go to sleep#tomorrow's a new day#i don't think this is a 911 moment yet#i just need to relax and idk remind myself the world isnt against me#but it's hard#when i miss out#i waste my time#i just hope#how do i always take a backseat#in everything#i can't even get a kob thatll pay me enough#so im just a big fucking burden and now THAT is making me cry#sorry internet strangers#bye#what am i even doing anymore
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Me listening my SteinSpirit playlist
Strangers by Ethel Cain plays
#Im acting like I didn’t put it myself#anyways I wont elaborate the song is good#also out of context I think I can finally sleep early tonight wish me luck#so it was a fucking lie#its 4 am guess whos awake#I think I need some external help to sleep#NOT FAIR NOT FAIR#GET THIS MORTAL SHELL OUTTA ME I AM NOT MADE FOR SLEEPING#ITS BORING I COULD BE DRAWINF I COULD BE MAKING CUTE SCENERIOS IN MY HEAD#I COULD MAKE OCS I COULD BUILD OCS#INSTEAD I HAVE TO BE AKF 8 HOURS MİN EVERYNIGHT!?#damn humans suck I wanna go back#anyway time for my forced afk session hopefully 4 hours is enough
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I don't want to be up right now 😔
#i am. so sick of waking up at 4 o clock in the morning.#last night i was like ok tonight i will get to bed at a reasonable time so im not tired!#lay down at 8:30. dont fall asleep until after 10.#i like never get anywhere near enough sleep on these nights so im just sleep deprived two full days per week#this will have no long term consequences. surely i am not sacrificing my health for a grocery store job#anyway.... just needed to bitch lol#mine
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Woke up early and decided to check the electoral votes and now I'm #Siiiiiiiiick
#speculation nation#uspol#i am not getting enough sleep tonight y'all.#i... i mean it's not a sure thing just yet but... he's 3 electoral votes away from winning and has a lead in 5 of the 6 states left.#and he's over five Million votes ahead in the popular vote. unless a miracle happens he's going to win it.#and the republicans won majority in the senate. and theyre leading in number of house wins now...#need a last minute democratic surge of house nominations or we are going to be BIG time fucked#we cant have trump with a republican senate AND house. we cant. we cant.#watching as we are on the cusp of a full republican government With Trump In Office. im going to be sick.
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scrolling through instagram and it's making me want to die
#i know instagram doesn't represent ppls real lives#but that doesnt change the fact that i don't have many friends who care about me#and almost everyone my year is graduating and celebrating#i am so fucking lonely. i don't think any of my school friends miss me#24 days self-harm free but i might say fuck it and relapse tonight#why though? i guess i just need some way to express how im feeling inside. or maybe it's to punish myself or because im feeling worthless#it's been over a year now since i first reached out to professionals for help for this depressive episode#over a year and im still as lost as ever. i know im doing so much better than i was but i still feel so awful every single day#i feel like i still need to be doing a lot better before i can go back to school#i feel so stuck and hopeless. i know I've made so much progress but i don't feel as if ill be able to make anymore progress#i feel like I've hit a wall and ive tried everything#my therapist told me to just keep eating sleeping and getting movement in everyday and be patient#ive been going on walks every day for like 2 weeks now and i dont feel any difference#seeing my psychiatrist wednesday and im hoping she will have an idea of what to do#i hope it's not just slightly adjusting my meds or even just trying a different antidepressant (not many left i haven't tried)#i also worry that im not bad enough for more intensive treatments like ECT or ketamine#if she tells me that i just need more therapy or another group i might just fucking end it#idk like i kinda feel like im fine and there's nothing wrong with me but at the same time i always am feeling so fucking depressed#i have had so much improvement but honestly part of me wishes i was still actively suicidal#idk what to do
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