#I WAS DEPRESSED ABOUT SCHOOL BUT I LITERALLY.. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

plusvanity · 17 hours ago

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What brought your attention to Mayhem? Do they have a special place in your life or not that much outside of your writings?

Yes, but not in the typical way.

It all started back in high-school with me following the classic metalhead depression decline from glam to death to thrash to black to the graveyard. That's when my mates and I discovered Mayhem, Burzum and Emperor and we decided that it was high time to start a cover band.

I've never really been a fan of Mayhem as a band and until I made friends online, I literally didn't know anyone who liked Mayhem for real. What drew me to them (and probably what drew others too) was their tumultuous history.

I remember I had a friend who was such a geek. He knew every random trivia you could ask him about any fucking band and he was the first to tell me and the rest of the guys about this insane band he found. (Mayhem). Nobody paid any attention to him rambling but I retained the name of 'Euronymous', it was a cool name, and that somebody killed somebody and somebody died and got stabbed and whatever. It was later that year that I really got into the Mayhem lore and their crazy story.

'Freezing Moon' was the first black metal song that I've learned on guitar and played live in my hometown's little rock pub. That song holds a lot of significance to me, even to this day.

I think that black metal influenced me both for the better and for the worst. I got more and more depressed and angry (for personal reasons) and I found comfort in this genre. The most influential band was Burzum because of those angry chainsaw-like riffs that I could never find anywhere else. They fit perfectly over what I was feeling inside at that time.

I've always felt compassion for Pelle and Øystein and I could relate to Pelle because of my own s******l ideation, ED, and SH behaviour. I was really considering the 'easy way out', so to speak.

I guess there are many factors beyond how Mayhem's sound that made them memorable for me.

This is the second time I get interested in them after years of forgetting about them entirely. Almost two years ago, I hit rock bottom again and I rediscovered the hopelessness and tragedy that I used to relate so much. Now I use fiction to express myself, I didn't have that back then.

Truth be told, it it wasn't for the black metal and for some quite interesting jokes that someone was teasing me with, I would have never discovered so much about myself and why I am the way I am, so, Mayhem was the start of something much bigger than I thought.

#ask response

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oceanwithouthermoon · 11 months ago

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sometimes i think about how nendo, kaido, saiki, (and sometimes kuboyasu but usually only when associated with them) are canonically the losers of PK and people actively dislike them, talk bad about them, make rumors about them, etc.

#which is crazy because theyre known to be besties with teruhashi and hairo #literally like. the most popular people at school ?#which like. i also get that this is even part of the reason saiki is disliked #but people dislike and even straught up bully him even before he and teru are known to be friends #but nobody ever thinks 'hey maybe theyre chill!' since the most loved people in school love them?#im so sorry saiki lmao #idk i just feel like people dont talk enough about the fact that even though he tries his fucking best to be so average and unnoticed-#he still gets fucking BULLIED ? like that is so depressing lol #anime onlys dont get to see it as much</3 #saiki k #tdlosk #the disastrous life of saiki k.#saiki kusuo #kaido shun #nendo riki #meows post

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sunlit-mess · 6 months ago

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sick(?)

#messyr #doodle #vent art #?? well not really! just skl #coping through drawing bc its what keeps me from rotting in bed #my body cant keep up fjdshzhl and i just feel worse every time i try to 'function' even as basic tasks it makes me want to throw up AAAAH #this artist does not KNOW how to take care of themselves help help help help fsdjxhf #how am i supposed to fkin tell my dad nor my relatives im just so- PHYSICALLY- and MENTALLY TIRED without it perceived as lazy or an excuse #same goes to my professors bc ive been missing out ALOT in school lately and my classmates are also probably wondering where the hell I am #( group activities etc etc i want to km s - I've failed TWO MAJOR SUBJECTS BC OF HOW IVE BEEN DOING-AAAAAAAAAH)#if not physically then its my noisy ass brain that spirals me into depressive episodes where I literally cant do jackshit about

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stuckinapril · 9 months ago

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I’ve always loved medicine bc it’s the perfect intersection of science and humanity—the two things I value above all else in this world. Truly adored it since I was in the cradle. But now I’m thinking about how so much of my journey to neurosurgery will have to involve KILLING my feelings essentially bc how do you survive otherwise

#Not to mention the surprisingly high suicide rate of surgeons that’s been brought to my attention lately #Honestly I just started my neuro internship and just saw my first patient in clinic #And on the day I did I was critical of my neurologist for being so robotic about it #Now I can see why #I’m still at a point where I can’t even do a chart review for a patient without feeling so fucking sad #And I can see how that can get unsustainable after a while #But it’s like if I kill the feelings that drive my passion for medicine to begin with then what’s the point #It’s not like I’m in it for the money or prestige bc that’s so dumb considering how long the schooling is #But literally how to deal #My supervisors at the clinic very much all speak about the dementia patients w a learned impartialness #But I don’t wanna be that way one day :( but how to be anything else and still survive #I’m pre med so I still have time and maybe my opinion will change and I’ll wanna do another specialty #But when it comes to this every specialty will involve human lives and navigating that regardless #That said I can see why surgeons are at higher risk or depression suicide etc #The whole point of this internship is to teach myself how to navigate this stuff but. Hate it #p #med tag

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say-hi-intrepid-heroes · 14 days ago

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#so i think this is the first time within memory that i've had both a depressive episode and an extended anxiety attack happen simultaneous #like i've had them happen individually but i fear they are combining in bad ways #i've had some shit from four ish years get triggered recently and it's good cause i need to work through that #but that started a depressive episode that may have started a couple months ago and has slowly been culminating to the past week #and then some shit is happening with a person i care about so that's started an anxiety thing #which is terrible cause usually i just dissociate if there's anxiety or activate the adhd hyperactivity if there's depression #but now i can't do either so im stuck #and also i'm very burnt out rn #so i've literally just been in my bed except for things i Have to do Or I'll Die Or Get Kicked Out Of School #like i think i would not get up if the fire alarm went off rn genuinely #anyway yeah if you see me online more that's why #i'm sure i'll be fine i'm just figuring out what's going on #personal

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b4kuch1n · 2 years ago

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more sk8. I think the cindereki stuff is extremely stupid but I am not immune to trying to conceptualize a princess gown in any setting

#sk8 the infinity #kyan reki #hasegawa langa #renga #if ur wondering yes the first gown I uh. pulled? from the brothers grimm version's idea #which I do prefer to the perrault/disney version. specifically bc there's no fairy #there are three balls happening on three consecutive nights and each night cinderella gets a gown and accessories from a tree #growing on her mom's grave #(the version I grew up with (translated to vietnamese) actually wrote it to be her dad's grave instead I literally dont know why)#and the wording is like. ''rain gold and silver on me'' or something like that? which is why all of the dangly bits in that design #(dont worry about the rest of the brothers grimms version. thats not important. dont think about it its not in the room with us)#also in this post: future!renga bc of fucking course. who do you think I am. who do you think I am #I see a character I love I immediately try to imagine a good future for them it is Simply my ways #ft. the lethal combo of being three kinds of queer + adhd + a teen #may just be bc I myself don't go to college lol. but I can't really imagine reki going to college. he'd get apprenticeship somewhere #like immediately. on sight. some uncle in nago would snatch him up a sentence in #I waffle on langa but him just getting out of the biggest shock of his life + severe depression would Not let go of his loved ones #so tbh I can't imagine him leaving okinawa either. at least right after high school #langa has the advantage of not giving a single shit about ''his potentials'' so he'll be chasing life's pleasures for a hot second thank you #also I believe in reki speaking at least passable conversational english thank you. he's trans and gay in asia #he's just also the kind of guy who has to think for a hot second to remember which way the written number 3 faces #''nailed the logic just plugged the wrong number in several times'' kind of guy #while langa's the ''doesn't understand the fundamental concept of puzzles'' kind of guy #man. this is like having two homunculi implanted in my brain. welcome boys come join leon pokemon #talk to each others while I do my job ok? thank you #that said. the comm queue should be finished up soon #(funny thing to say about three comms I know. but I will say it anyway)#and I'll take a few days break to unclench my brain and then get back into it #every day I learn new things about the dip pen. its great #okay. nap now tho. anything else can wait

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girlivealwaysbean · 23 days ago

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i think growing up is just life repeatedly sucker punching you and saying bitch you thought things were gonna better lmao no you're so naive and stupid for having hope in 20 years the world will be flaming bag of garbage and no matter how hard you work you'll get eliminated at some point

#and then you just have to get up and keep living anyway because what else is there to do?#but man my heart keeps feeling heavier with every blow #2024 has literally been the worst year ever god personally too #like everytime i think it can't possibly get worse than this it does #i remember literally 9th jan i had such a horrible breakdown in an auto because the first friend i ever made #after school was leaving my work and therefore my life #9 days into the year. seriously. and i was so happy on 8th because it was my birthday #i don't know im trying hard to think okay this doesn't even affect me it's fine im privileged enough that even my own countrys politics #barely affects me #but just. india is already so behind in everything. if developed nations are doing shit like this then well #it will never get better right like who do we even strive to be #i want to get more into indian politics but my god. it's so horrifying and depressing all the time #like i remember resolving to follow politics closely few years ago and the first news #i read was about some minister talking about how girls skirts lengths IN SCHOOL is the reason boys do sa and boys will be boys etc etc #i know i could just follow business news stuff like that god knows it'll help in my field but it just. doesn't resonate with me doesn't #make me feel anything at all. like i so desperately want to care about ooh stock markets and how to grow your money etc etc #but when i think about being rich enough to invest idle money all i can think is sitting in my own home peacefully #drinking a glass of cold coffee and just being able to breathe freely because me and my sister used to joke in childhood #when dad went thru a coffee v bad for health phase and he wouldn't let us drink it so we would drink it very sneakily #at night when he was asleep or went out for an hour and make absolutely no noise while mixing the sugar. we said that we know #we'll* know we have achieved true freedom and happiness in life when we can peacefully drink cold coffee in the hall and not secretly #in the dead of night in our room #i don't even know what im talking about and my period is late again and nothing is working and my lazer focus #that i had built in the past few weeks is gone because suddenly im like what is the point????#i just don't understand how the fuck humans can fight over stupid fucking things like who is kissing who and who is doing what with their #body instead of focusing on collective issues like our planet is dying so fucking fast and every summer is getting impossibler to survive #i hate that the united states control the UN fuck this world fr man i hate being born in such horrible helpless times #like call me a kid or dumb or whatever but i cannot understand how MILLIONS of people do not #have sympathy for ppl around them and who don't care about the planet at all like how????? how did you grow up????#not trying to boast but this is so natural to me!!! didn't you make save water save earth posters in school!!! didn't anyone

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tecnestheim962 · 25 days ago

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God I love Ruby so much.

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seilon · 4 months ago

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love when this is referred to as the gifted kid website. shockingly my mental disorders made me mentally disordered and school never really vibed with that so. couldn’t be me

#ppl always talking about their whatever grade reading level and how many books they’d read as kids and im just over here like🧍🏽#I’ve never been actually bad at english or reading but I couldn’t focus on reading books to save my fucking life #I hated those sheets where you had to read like a certain number of books or whatever over the course of a semester or the year or whatever #my GATE test scores for english were super high but my math was bad enough that I never qualified #and adhd made me not even perform well in English half the time because I couldn’t pay attention I couldn’t read long books I couldn’t turn #in my assignments or if I did they were late and etc etc etc #don’t get me started with math #I was the worst in my class in third grade at minute math and never made it to the levels of minute math my classmates did #(they posted results on the wall for everyone to see)#and in 6th grade I was put into an additional remedial math class #throughout middle-high school I was at the level of most classmates in terms of the classes I took but that’s only because I was not allowe #to fail and was put through absolute fucking hell with a billion tutors and grueling hours of extra work from them and blah blah blah #like I remember how I felt in those tutoring sessions and half the time I actually wanted to cry.#I didn’t start doing solidly genuinely Good in school until senior year of high school.#not coincidentally around the same time I started taking adderall I think #I had accommodations by 9th grade but they didn’t do that much except for the function that let me turn in assignments up to 2 days late #without penalty. which i had teachers question sometimes and i had to pull the Yeah it’s Literally Against The Law to not allow me this car #anyway. point is. i was never in the gate program and most of my friends were and it was mostly adhd related #adhd is considered such a quirky nothing disorder nowadays that I don’t even like mentioning I have it really. because what people think of #when I say the term is Not what i actually dealt with and made school torturous and made my parents lash out at me for things and etc etc #depression and dysphoria did not help either. but I digress #I’m not sure why im making this post #kibumblabs

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curiosity-killed · 2 months ago

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i love my sister and for the most part, we are very close and genuinely like each other a lot but the one place where i'd just really, really, really like to see inside her brain is the part where she is still incredibly comfortable and cheerful—and even thinks it's really funny—talking about how much she didn't like me as a child while I'm like. yes. I am and was aware. and it sucked so so so much

#we had a really wild moment over dinner last week where she actually acknowledged #EXPLICITLY with her OWN WORDS #that things like our brother dying right when i was going into my senior yr of high school #and covid lockdown starting right when i'd graduated college + moved to a new city where i knew no one except her + was applying/auditionin #for jobs #were harder on me than one her in some unique ways #and i was literally like . is. is this a test? am i supposed to deny it?#bc like when our brother died she told me i was a selfish brat (for not grieving the way she did)#and during covid she told me (right after i got laid off) that she had ''way more reasons to be depressed'' than i did #personal #anyway she was laughing so much as she said this (abt not liking me) and i was just staring at her nodding slightly like #yeah. i know. i know you didn't like me #do YOU know how much it sucks to know that your older sister--whom you idolize--who you *desperately* want to like you--#not only doesn't like you at all #but even up into high school/college #would talk about how she couldn't wait till our LITTLE (five year old) cousins were old enough to hang because they'd be so much fun #and know that she had absolutely never thought or said that about you #do you perhaps! think that might still have ramifications on our relationship to this day #if your little sister spent 20+ years knowing that your love was conditional on them being the person you wanted her to be #like. do u???#(the answer is no of course but #i remain boggled by the fact that this eludes her considering she is! in fact! a really smart person!)#it's also like when i was first offered my current job #and our now bosses asked both of us like ''are you worried at all about working with your sister?''#and she laughed like lol no of course not?#while i was like ''honestly yes.'' adskjfglkjasds #very different perspectives sometimes

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apocalypticdemon · 2 months ago

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having a rough afternoon, I'll be quiet for the rest of the day, I think. Self-imposed break from social media. I'll be back tomorrow morning I think

#not that ppl really care where i am rn #havin a weird reaction to literally nothing serious and i think it's time i take a break #being online isnt the break it used to be and i have been feeling more and more poorly as the days go by #school is hard and I'm very depressed and anxious rn. not going well.#so. i'll be back don't worry about me but. yeah. I'm gonna bunker down for a bit.#i'll be around though.#and if you see me online later tonight i wasn't lying i just failed.

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tittyinfinity · 1 year ago

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My neurodivergencies and mental illnesses overlap so much that you could diagnose me with about anything at this point

#ocd and autism put together? must tap on things. must tap in specific rythm. or die. my whole life #adhd and autism? oh i cant focus but when i do that's all ill focus on for months or years #i can't pay attention but i have a photographic memory! so that didn't affect me much in school #also w the ocd and autism i constantly have to be picking at my skin in some way #whether it be dandruff my lips scabs or just chewing on the inside of my cheeks #like i can never stop no matter what #oh and another great thing about ocd and autism put together is that you get Echolalia² #this thing is going to repeat in the background of your head for months #and also you must sometimes say/sing it out loud randomly or you will explode #i was diagnosed with bipolar 1 and BPD also #manic and depressive episodes? turned out that was literally just dependent on my pain med prescription #rapid cycling emotions can come from all of those #i also have psychosis episodes and delusions! and hallucinations! wee!#oh and let's put a littlr sprinkle of C-PTSD on top of everything. just for fun #''anxiety disorder'' that was me freaking out about masking and how everyone would judge me #major depressive disorder? yeahhhh there's always that base level of despair #like I'm pretty sure the ocd adhd and autism are like one Whole Thing together #i hear the symptoms of all of those and im like yeah that's me! that's also me! shit! that's also me!#WHY IS THERE SO MUCH WRONGGGG #.bdo

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solis-angelus · 3 months ago

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BABE WAKE UP NEW LOW JUST DROPPED.

source

#India is in shambles rn #The most depressing realities of current times:#a student doctor was gang-raped and killed inside a hospital and the govt and police and the hospital authorities worked together #to destroy evidence and cover up the crime as a suicide and called the doctor *psychotic*. They asked *what was she doing so late?*#rape occurs every 16 mins in our country #every girl and woman I know including myself are TERRIFIED #every damn day there are brutal cases of rapes of children. Literal 3 year olds. To students teenagers.#in school in home in public transport in a hospital #And what is our govt. doing? Making this into a politicized mess blaming each other instead of ANYONE fixing ANY problem #our streets are strewn with public protests EVERYDAY #women don't have the right to safety in our country #WE ARE TERRIFIED TO EXIST #BCZ NO MATTER WHAT- OUR BODIES AND VOICES AND POSITIONS ARE PROVOKING TO MEN.#AND NOW THIS #I don't even NEED to talk about the education system of our country anymore bcz you can clearly see the news heading.#Our future is doomed. Our safety is doomed. Our lives are doomed.#But sure yeah India has great street food and amazing movies 👍🏽#We're utterly exhausted #India #Desi tag #moumita debnath #tw murder #tw r4p3 #tw r4p3 mention #tw sui mention #tw sui #tw child death #tw child abuse #tw csa #desiblr

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mihai-florescu · 6 months ago

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The thing about being a bitch and a hater is that you need to be charismatic about it for people to still like you somehow. And most importantly you need to be a poor little meow meow people will want to help see win.

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hamburgerslippers · 1 month ago

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the question is. how does one go about finding a beta reader in this daynage?

#MAN. that is what i miss about my old CK writing days.#like we were all fic writers. we knew what we were getting into when we'd read eachothers works and it was fun.#but now its like PLEASE. I know what this looks like i just need your literate eye my love please #like my sib beta reads for me but they have noooo knowledge of fanfic MUCH LESS READER INSERT FIC.#they only read: the bible in latin. Victorian era russian lit. depressing japanese lit (complementary). and like. shit they have to read in #school. so they arent the best for the job. said with love.#mr slippers lore

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hauntedwoman · 7 months ago

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as badly as i want to avoid my mom she is making it extremely difficult

#i feel really bad that im so angry at her and she doesnt even know it #but my entire living situation is making me miserable right now and its her fault #she charges me $50 in rent every week and shes increasing it to $125 a week at the end of the month #the only reason this is happening is because she FORCED ME to drop out and the only other alternative was that i had to work full time + pa #rent.............. but like at my job even if im working 40 hrs a week ill only be making abt $900 a month #so i will barely have anything leftover for myself after rent #and i cannot get a second job bc i frankly can not handle it at all + what hours would i even work #and my mom refuses to understand that the reason i had to drop out is bc i am so depressed and so suicidal and i just dont want to live #she doesnt acknowledge that im disabled and severely mentally ill #every time i try to talk about my mental health she treats me like im such a burden to her even though i literally never tell her anything #personal anymore bc she just doesnt listen or care #ALSO she FORCED ME to move across the country and transfer schools when i really did not want (hence why i flunked all of my classes bc i d #not care) but like. everything thats wrong in my life rn is bc i do not want ot live where im living and theres no way for me to go back to #texas and also i dont rly wanna live w my dad either #but anyways. this whole situation would be better if my mom was using me paying rent as an actual lesson in adult respinsibility #but it's really just a punishment because i cant function the way she wants me to #and im over it #so fucking over it why am i such a pussy why cant i just die

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