#I KNOW THAT ITS GOING TO BE FINE OR THAT IT WONT MATTER
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Desperate need to socialize and make new friends vs Irrational fear of messages from strangers on friend making apps, FIGHT
#i am STARVED of interaction but#i see the little messages i match with people#and im like i cant look at that message or im going to ruin everything#someone from a group chat messaged me to ask about my icon#and i got so fucking scares#I had to give myself an hour before i could open the message up???#i have TALKED to this dude irl#how do i stop dOING THIS#I KNOW THAT ITS GOING TO BE FINE OR THAT IT WONT MATTER#it can be oPENED WITHOUT DISASTER
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I will never understand the way most people seem to hold terrible resentment towards their previous relationships or some lingering something that makes them use the relationship status as a jump rope
#is this just the aromantic spectrum looking at the failures of amatonormativity again? like wow weren't you supposed to be friends first#is it the fact that a lot of people still genuinely believe people of different genders cant be friends? which is bullshit btw#is this the bpd black and white thinking? like once im done im done im not going back im not playing 'will they wont they return'#(if i ever miss past ppl its just fps. they were never anything more)#is this the npd? like *why* would i give myself more suffering over someone that doesnt matter anymore. im above that#i don't know. people at large dont make sense#but its fine. i choose to read this not as despair over the world being nonsensical#i read this as a victory because im above drama and immune to a lot of grief#anyway.
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sitting in the parking lot thinking i might vom
#it's a chain place and ive been on the other side of places like this#(i wasnt an interviewer but i was friends with them)#and there at least people would show up late + in sweats for the interview and they'd get it!#they would show up with 'oh yeah interview today almost forgot' and they'd get it!#meanwhile im having a breakdown trying to do everything right and perfect#making sure i look nice but not too nice bc again its a chain fast food place and i cant try Too Hard#also these pants dont have belt loops and they tend to shift#AND my right hand is swollen from the wasp sting yesterday so im worried its gonna be 'wtf is wrong with you'#but also shouldn't it say something that im here anyway even though i could have rescheduled#but then its like... im not gonna kill myself for this place like i did at mcd and does it give that impression?#or should i have rescheduled bc they'll think it's bad decision making to come anyway with my hand swollen#also worried that i should have parked nearby and come over closer to the time bc am i the freak sitting in the parking lot#but at least im early! but am i too early? but im out here not rushing them. but should i be so they know I Am Interested#not to even mention wtf im gonna say to them to explain my employment gap#and im so paranoid that im gonna go in and say im there for an interview and they're gonna be like ???#bc it was through an automatic text/email thing when i applied#which was how my last job happened but idk. maybe im an idiot and it's all fake so they can point and laugh#and i KNOW thats ridiculous. but that's how it feels rn.#also im worried they'll ask if i want something to eat/drink and i dont know the right answer#like i feel like i should say yes bc what do you mean you wont eat here? but the wrong thing means im taking advantage#and how will i be if im actually working there?#and its all so dumb bc#AGAIN people roll out of bed confident and they're fine. meander their way through and theyre fine. theres no reason to think i wont be#but ANXIETY#its gonna be an out of body experience no matter what and later I'll wonder about all the things i dont remember#if i fucked up or not#and now i have to go in bc it's 7 minutes until my time and i want to be a little early but not too much#fuck#wish me luck#ks talks
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tried putting on my radiator for the first time this winter (we've had snow this week.... its focking cold) but it trips the fusebox for the entire flat lmfao. I'm fuuuucked 😐
#all the other radiators work fine its just mine :'(((#and bc its thw weekend they wont come out to fix it until monday at least so thats great#its fine i havent needed it on this week so far and i have layers and a hot water bottle so ill be fine but i did cry abt it a bit#but not so much abt the radiator just a lot on my mind.. i couldnt pick up my prescription after work either bc the secretary left half an#hour early and the very kind nurse who had a look for it anyway couldnt find it and i cant get there any earlier next week bc of work#i know itll be fine ive already sent an email to ask if they can send it to my local pharmacy instead ill get my meds before they run out#but still i cried a bit walking home from the clinic 😢 just been a long week even if not a bad one. and i miss my friend whos moving#he'll be on the plane now.... man. its a bit selfish but im also sad abt it bc he always noticed how i was feeling when i was at the gym#like if i was privately dealing w some shit or just wasnt quite myself he could tell n would find a moment to gently ask or just be there#without probing abt it like man hes so reassuring and kind and has such a big heart. before he left he asked me to look out for some of#the quieter ones in our group and make sure they feel included and someones listening to them when he wont be around to anymore#😢💔💔💔💔 and i know i didnt know him long enough to become proper good friends with him but it meant a lot that he looked out for me#like all i really want in this world is to feel seen n safe esp when im having a hard time. and none of my closer friends really do that#and thats okay like its not their fault and they just express their way of caring differently but sometimes i feel so lonely ah....#and also my period is due and im kind of scared of how painful itll be bc the last few have been so bad snd i find loneliness a lot harder#when im in a lot of pain and anyway this is all probably just the pre period hormones making me so tearful so it doesnt matter#its ok made a big bowl of rice so im going to eat that wrapped up cosy in bed with a movie i think. and then sleep#.diaries
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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
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& now im crying. great.
#came home she got out pork chops says i have to cook & eat them bc i need protein#dont want hot food rn & even if i did i dont have the energy to cook dont even have the energy to get a glass of water#but like i was handling it was gonna lay down a while then make pork chops feed them to the cat if i couldnt make myself eat & thats fine.#but then she said i was being a little shit bc of like i guess my tone of voice ir something?#idk man im tired & im frustrated & im in pain & im trying so hard to be polite & say the right things#but like. no matter how hard i try i cant get it right my voice always comes off wrong#& it always has & it will continue to the rest of my life#i try SO HARD she knows i struggle with tone & i still cant get it right & shes mad at me for it#i cant fucking do this i cant be a person im not GOOD AT IT.#im like failing at humanness and i always have been#& idk its a stupid thing to get so upset over & i know logically im being dramatic#but im just so tired#& i havent eaten since 7 so i probs have low blood sugar or something idk#and i’ve had a headache for 3 days that wont fucking go away#& i just cant make myself be rational rn#rambling
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ok yeah i definitely have eating problems. sigh
#its not so much of an ' i dont want to eat so i wont ' situation#its more like a#' no matter how much sleep i get i never have enough energy or motivation to make food for myself even when#i literally feel like im digesting my own organs from the inside so i dont end up eating unless someone else makes#food for me '#yknow what i mean ??#and its like. i cant possibly exaggerate how long i will go without eating if no one offers to make food for me#if my parents didnt make dinner every night id just not eat anything for days on end. thats how bad it can get#its weird because i dont have this issue with hydration ? i know when im dehydrated and i can get water just fine#its actually easier for me to get water than it is to make food#idk maybe its an autism thing
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my parents got my car rear ended to the point my trunk cant close & my dogs were almost crushed to a pulp after i kept telling them i wanted them in the back seat for that very reason
#personal#dodger & kiki are fine im just. so mad#like ik it wont really matter in the long run but they also arent the ppl paying off a loan for that thing !!!!!!!!!!#its going to be so fucking expensive to fix bc its so new too im making them pay for it man#knowing the way my dad drives i honestly can say im surprised this didnt happen sooner 🤨
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i feel like such a fucking idiot istg. my american lit class has a final exam that requires memorizing all of the books/poems studied this semester w authors names, dates and recognition if we're given a passage and i just fucking know i'm about to fail it. i have about an 85 going in, i've passed in some really good work this semester, i read EVERY SINGLE ASSIGNED READING, ON TIME, but because my brain isn't hardwired to sit down and fucking memorize 20+ different names titles and numbers i'm fucked! how the hell is this FAIR
#why is this 25% of my FUCKING GRADE!!#THIS MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE its never going to be an applicable skill irl!!#ive already worked so fucking hard for this course! i know i know the material and i understood it all!!#if i was given the title author and date i could write the paper im supposed to write and i would fucking crush it#but no it has to be fucking memorization because thats the only thing that makes you smart#levi.txt#vent tw#i want to fucking hit something#and i cant even get any help because i cant prove theres anything wrong with my brain other than being a fucking idiot!#'oh you dont need a diagnosis anyway bc you dont NEED accommodations or medication! youll be fine' FUCK OFF#'oh it wont help because youre almost done' oh ok so bc ive been struggling for four fucking years already one more doesnt matter. got it#you cant have a learning disability if you get good grades everyone knows this :)))))) /s#if i even fucking have one. anyways#probably gonna delete this later im just deeply pissed off rn. so fucking unfair
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using gin//ran scenes for my ocs bc this one thousand percent happened in my head . idc go to hell
#im gonna pass out if i dont fix this already my god#DAMN bitch you draw like this....whateva ts just the sketch its fine#anyways. the fear as sanii realises just how persistent valentín is n how its literally putting her in harms way#yet shes still going to keep trying bc at the end of the day. as long as she knows this isnt what he wants#shes gonna keep trying to get him back no matter the cost. and it scares him bc if he cant stop her here#than someone else will get in her way and theg WONT be leaving her alive#lol
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man i wish i did have all this privilege everyone acts like I have for being a trans guy, my life would be way more chill. I wouldnt hafta worry about shit really
#see some nazi shit in my town? nah. doesnt matter. im a man after all ! doesnt effect me and totally never would !#seeing men being misogynistic or creepy to women? doesnt effect me emotionally anymore because im a man ! I have no feelings !#walking home alone at night? nah. doesnt matter. im a man! nevermind that im short and have long hair so I could easily be#mistaken as a woman especially at night and even if not- being short is something a motivated individual can use against me if#they want to- but it doesnt matter. im a man now! suddenly thats not a concern. suddenly this totally wouldnt happen. at all.#someone would approach me to try and see that im a man and go 'oh sorry sir my mistake I didn't realize it was a super special privileged#man please be on your way now'#many such cases#vent#gotta go to a gyno or some sort of doctor relating to my reproductive system? it'll all go perfectly smoothly and even better#now that im recognized as a man- surely there wont be any issues getting help now. it should be easier. im a man after all.#trying to find a place to belong socially? must be easy. im a man. disregard that im a man w poon for a second- that should surely never#play a role even if hanging out with cis men. they totally wont notice how I avoid the bathroom or locker rooms around them or ever#getting naked in front of them for any reason- its surely not just a matter of time till they find out and subsequentially start treating m#different. and nevermind trying to fit in in queer spaces im a man so i dont belong in them as you know.#and nevermind being friends with women either- im a man so naturally that totally means all i think about is fucking women and never#just being friends with them so thats not possible and women should never work on their assumptions about dudes ever bc assuming#im probably a creep-rapist by virtue of attempting to interact with them is fine and normal for them to do and I should expect it#and totally be okay with it and totally just shut off my emotions to feel nothing about it#which is again normal#esp as someone who's also been victimized by cis men and then being assumed to be like an abusive cis man is totally something thats#normal and shouldnt effect me at all it totally does not fuck with you to constantly be assumed to be like someone who abused you#especially when you know you're not like that but ppl assume anyways and its normal to assume and i just have to accept it ig#cool#love that privilege i have
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I really want to find some way to fix the problem but that desire is my compulsion (?) and it never actually fixes the problem. I tell myself to drop it and focus on other things like my art, but I just wish I could fix it now. The only way I can fix it is through ignoring it. And that will take time. (but also it feels unsafe to ignore it, because i feel like it is a real issue even though its probably not a real issue).
#i need to see a therapist again instead of mental health posting to tumblr#but as ive said therapists frustrate me because they just act like i only have an anxiety disorder and ignore bigger issues i bring up#like if i bring up being confused about reality or stuck on a topic or tense because of the past... they seem uncomfortable with it.#and then i also have to find a therapist who is experienced in lgbt people because otherwise theyll waste time asking me about my gender#when i dont need to talk about my gender because thats not a mental health issue.#and its just hard to talk face to face about what the ocd is actually about#and im scared that a therapist will see the healthy non ocd parts of my fixation as wrong and try to make it go away.#i guess its just that#therapists are either too old so they wont understand/accept me#or theyre too young so they just dont know how to handle bigger mental health issues yet.#and none of this even matters im fine and enjoy my life but i just cant get the topic out of my head right now#my entire existance is consumed by this topic and i cannot trust myself or like myself because of the topic.#i want to fix it.#i need to ignore it to fix it.#but i want to fix it now.#but i cant.#and it always comes back. i cant be myself because of the topic. it always comes back.#i want it to be fixed.#and what if it is a real concern? what if i cant be trusted?#idk
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well.
#concert was rly rly fucking good lets focus on that. dont want to ruin my memory of it#and the rest doesnt matter. ill break down tomorrow when everyones gone i cant do it right now its too late and we have a guest#just so tired. doesnt even matter its just me. and i have to be myself the rest of my life. im never getting out of this labyrinth#well at least if no one else has my back the national always will.. the right kind of concert to be at while dealing w my stupid shit#and i can listen to their music on loop forever and ever ill be fine#give me a couple days and ill have repressed it into oblivion again and i can go back to living my sham life where everythings okay#until i get reminded again and it unspools. and then ill just scoop it back up and zip it back inside. over and over yippee#but it doesnt matter as long as everyone else is happy and they can pretend i am too so they dont have to care#im being stupid and melodramatic dont even worry abt it my brain is just so fucking broken and im incapable of human connection its cool#at least i wont hurt anyone else just keeping it all in here it doesnt matter!!!!!! well it does to me. but i dont count so its okay#at least yeah concert was rly rly banging i hope they play here again some time in the future and im still around for it#and ill get to remember how good it was every time i listen to them :-) which is basically every day woooo#god. im gojng to go to sleep before i fall apart and start ugly crying#at least tomorrow off too n climbinggg. so much easier hanging out with strangers bc it doesnt matter if they dont want me there#nothing to lose and they cant hurt me bc i can only get hurt by ppl i care abt and i dont know them that well so its all cool#and im good at climbing n need to burn it out of my system. i can get by microdosing social connection for thr rest of my life i guess#feel so so so ashamed for even feeling like this its such a prison in my head i hate it i hate it its fine ok stopping for real goodnight.#sorry for ventposting i cant go hurt myself instead bc ppl over. so here we are again ahh..#ah ahhh yeah anyway goodnight#.vent
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aww its kinda cute finding me complaining abt my dads whole lisa thing from 2017. honestly so overshadowed by everything else and also i was so annoying when i was 12 aw .
#did not realize how many of my journal posts r just vents and it all looks so silly now RJRBJFBFNG aw hun. its so funny that i was#complaining abt my mom treating me like a therapist in 2017. <- his ass did notttt know. its like watching a guy standing on the train#tracks and complaining about a car driving past.#sry . i ended up on quotev just 2 look. ive never actually looked at my like activity feed very much whenever i go back but its funny bc it#rly is a more accurate glimpse into whateve was going on for miss kami (my quotev nickname).... like yasss. you hate your dads girlfriend#and her kids that is a nice problem to have#its also embarassing bc like my ex gf is just all around in here . i made a vent post like I get it im not enough and i dont matter and im#just a tool for you to use 😡😡😡 and she commented “yesss tell the world”. SO FUNNY?#and i found her being excited abt our 5 month anniversary#delightfully 12 year old activity. i do not like her very much at all and idt i ever actualy loved her#not in a bitchy way in a like. i literally questioned if i was aroace the entire time we were dating#she asked me out with a little note passed in class like circle y/n and i literally thought to myself Hm well i guess i dont have anything#going on. and circled yes. which is so funny. hun?#anyways. that all imploded bc we were 11 its whatever.#sigh. its just nice to remember the little problems i had. like obviously all this is after my dad choked me out in public and threw my dog#and etc but its still technically the beforetimes. yk. and ik the zoo isnt rly the most pressing of my things that have happened to me#anymore but its still like. Big. yk. even if i mostly just have to Be fine about it now or else everyone will think im being an awful piec#of shit asshole for still being upset. Ok sorry#also when i call my 12 yesr old self snnoying i mean it in an loving way like. its only right to be kind of annoying when youre 12 yk...#and also 12 year old kamille is Not here rn so i can be a little playfully mean to her. bc shes such a 12 year old#idk i just struggle a lot bc i am so like. far removed from everything that happened atp were on like 4th or 5th generation post that#and i struggle to put myself in That kamilles shoes and remember she was a kid yk. like obviously ik i was a kid ik i didnt deserve that#but when i try to like. put myself back in the situation and try to force myself to remember that exact day (dont do this btw . it does not#go well LOL) but i always like. i try to rebuild the events from the ground up but im not Kamille age 12 im me. witnessing everything#i wont ever be able to remember it How it acrually was i couldnt even fully remember it like a week after the fact yk. itis what itis#sorry i should prolly tag this i rambleddddd#a2t#child abuse#implied but we#animal abuse
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#every time i ask for help it ends up worse than it was#when i ask my mom she accuses me of not wanting help and not knowing what i want and how its my fault i dont want to be better#im always accused of not wanting help and not doing anything as if im not always researching and calling doctors and social workers#but thats my mom shes crazy and manipulative#but then when i take friends by their word that i can always talk to them and open up and say that i need them#i get ghosted???? 🥲#like its kinda funny at this point#and i know its a common autistic thing that people think that we dont mean what we say and play down our emotions#and that freeze and fawn trauma responses change how we show distress and sometimes makes us not show it appropriately#but every time i said#hey im feeling really bad i need you#to someone#they answer way too late and go like haha oops oh well!!!! sorry so busy!!!#as if my request had a time limit and now it didnt matter anymore#or they literally stop answering me for months#i texted my mental hospital friend in november for her birthday and she answered in january and i told her im in distress#and i havent heard from her since#every time i need someone their own life comes in the way which is fine and natural but#i really get the feeling i only matter to people#when im there for them and to help them or when im fun to be around#everyone says hey its okay and important to ask for help#people who care want you to ask for help#and i remind myself of that and try to work on my abandonment issues and all the self isolating#and then i get ignored and abandoned and i literally cant do it anymore 🥲#i know its unfair to think my friends should know that im having a stressful time so they should know better and check on me#so i dont do that and i communicate#but it doesnt do anything!!!!! literally nothing!!!#i think its even making it worse because they think theyve let me down so much i wont ask again and theyre off the hook#what else can i do????? like genuinely im so confused#and because i get hung up on those things i get borderline diagnosis that are wrong because i obsessively try to be fair and not too clingy
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Love how I can ruin something so easily
#actually id say love how depression can do so but i dont have to behave irritably just bc my brain feels unmoored and unhappy for no good#reason. i dont have to make it everyone elses problem#i wasnt trying to! but i cant communicate hey i feel like x and thats making me feel y and i dont know what to do about it#i just.. why dont they ask 'Why?' when i get like that. i want them to notice that I'm acting uncharacteristically and say something so that#i can go oh yeah thats dumb and idk why sorry yeah#but theyre reacting like its not obvious when i pointed out that this happens and that i want them to ask me 'why'#yeah is it fair to expect that if them? no. but idk what else to do abt it bc i am incapable of makingany other decision#im ANGRY#I'm disappointed i didnt get to be here for the yard sale and help them#I'm frustrated i had to be at work even though i was superfluous there today#I'm disappointed and frustrated that they dont want to try a yard sale again another week#like maybe a warmer and nicer weekend and puttinf more signs up will result in more traffic to the yard sale!#theyre giving up on it and i wanted to do a yard sale and didnt get to bc i had to be at work instead and now i wont gwt to again bc they#dont want to plan another yard sale bc theyre exhausted by it#i missed out and i wanted to do a yard sale so bad and didnt get to be here for it!#I'm frustrated that qe wont do another yard sale#and I'm unhappy that they didnf trust that i could clean up and brinf stuff inside at least like theyre tired so why are they doinf the work#let me help! i want to feel like i helped! I'm useless i dont do anything! but i was fold i cant do it on my own and wouldnt know where they#wanred to put stuff#like yeah i cant move the tables on my own into the shed. fine. but the boxes of stuff??? she could have come and directed me instead!#so like. fine i wont help. and then i got up and came to fuckinf help anyway even tjo apparently i wouldnt have done it right on my own#and shes like that attitude wasn't helpful like neither was what you said!#i know I'm not smart or helpful and just an annoying tag-alonf overgrown child but i wanted to do something#if it was my oldest sister insisting she could do it they wouldnt have protested!#whatever I'm stupid and reactive and i could have said like that makes me feel like u think i cant help and that feels shitty#whatever#I'm just. i hate existing its too frustrating and complicated and i havw no choice in the matter and i want to just curl up in bed and do#nothing and go nowhere and not talk to anyone and not do my medication bc i wont have insurance if i dont go to work bc i wont have the job#which means i can never do that bc unfortunately the result of not taking my medication scares me more than i hate having to be a person#i hate being a person but being sick is infinitely worse so
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