#I KNOW THAT ITS GOING TO BE FINE OR THAT IT WONT MATTER
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Desperate need to socialize and make new friends vs Irrational fear of messages from strangers on friend making apps, FIGHT
#i am STARVED of interaction but#i see the little messages i match with people#and im like i cant look at that message or im going to ruin everything#someone from a group chat messaged me to ask about my icon#and i got so fucking scares#I had to give myself an hour before i could open the message up???#i have TALKED to this dude irl#how do i stop dOING THIS#I KNOW THAT ITS GOING TO BE FINE OR THAT IT WONT MATTER#it can be oPENED WITHOUT DISASTER
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Haha wow apparently all it takes to get my inspiration back for writing is a man who activates my praise kink mid battle and a spicy dream
#lucanis dellamorte#rookanis#more elaboration cause its 2 am and i cant actually qrite yet im too eepy#au based around monster by lady gaga dont ask how it happens ill figure it out but for whatever reason lucanis has to do the seducing#maybe something like rook is a royal servant and lucanis is on some contract with illario and illario is incapacitated#or even seducing another servant himself#idk maybe the royal has a lot of locks on his door and they need both keys#EITHER WAY#au cause spite is already there#maybe modern maybe just minor intro edits not sure yet#and maybe theres already some sorta chemistry going on and oops lucanis doesnt really do this whole seducing thing very often#and maybe rook just has a way bigger alcohol tolerance than he does and he got in over his head but whatever it is#spite takes it upon himself to see what this whole sex thing illario keeps joking about and the wine is just enough that lucanis doesnt stop#him and what does it matter theyre just a pawn in a contract for a place he wont likely ever have to return#theyll never see eachother again#or maybe spite just outright tells him to fuck off and hes too drunk to do anything about it#gotta thjnk about the characterization more but SOMEHOW he and spite!lucanis sleep together#get super hot and heavy and rought and one night stand-y u know the drill#and the next day lucanis is gone like a bat out of hell and rook wakes up free from this shitty royal#and they run into varric while begging or searchjng for a replacement job bc just bc their boss was an absolute dick#he still payed the bills and theyre kinda fucked without him#and then bing bang boom adventures solas dagger minrathous we all know the drill#havent thought about if lucanis should be in the ossuary or not but if he is probably a plot to recapture him for zara#that illario helps with#either way all of a sudden this little servant with the delicate hands and unscathed skin is in front of him again#and suddenly theyre not so little#hands calloused and skin marred with scars from all theyve gone through since then#and he was never meant to see them again but here they are and they dont seem to remember him so maybe its fine#but then as they introduce themselves he notices their hand as it subconscious rubs against an unimistakeable scar of His bite mark from#that night and oh fuck they know its him and i have no more tags so tdlr lots of dancing around that fact for a long time cause theyre silly
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I will never understand the way most people seem to hold terrible resentment towards their previous relationships or some lingering something that makes them use the relationship status as a jump rope
#is this just the aromantic spectrum looking at the failures of amatonormativity again? like wow weren't you supposed to be friends first#is it the fact that a lot of people still genuinely believe people of different genders cant be friends? which is bullshit btw#is this the bpd black and white thinking? like once im done im done im not going back im not playing 'will they wont they return'#(if i ever miss past ppl its just fps. they were never anything more)#is this the npd? like *why* would i give myself more suffering over someone that doesnt matter anymore. im above that#i don't know. people at large dont make sense#but its fine. i choose to read this not as despair over the world being nonsensical#i read this as a victory because im above drama and immune to a lot of grief#anyway.
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sitting in the parking lot thinking i might vom
#it's a chain place and ive been on the other side of places like this#(i wasnt an interviewer but i was friends with them)#and there at least people would show up late + in sweats for the interview and they'd get it!#they would show up with 'oh yeah interview today almost forgot' and they'd get it!#meanwhile im having a breakdown trying to do everything right and perfect#making sure i look nice but not too nice bc again its a chain fast food place and i cant try Too Hard#also these pants dont have belt loops and they tend to shift#AND my right hand is swollen from the wasp sting yesterday so im worried its gonna be 'wtf is wrong with you'#but also shouldn't it say something that im here anyway even though i could have rescheduled#but then its like... im not gonna kill myself for this place like i did at mcd and does it give that impression?#or should i have rescheduled bc they'll think it's bad decision making to come anyway with my hand swollen#also worried that i should have parked nearby and come over closer to the time bc am i the freak sitting in the parking lot#but at least im early! but am i too early? but im out here not rushing them. but should i be so they know I Am Interested#not to even mention wtf im gonna say to them to explain my employment gap#and im so paranoid that im gonna go in and say im there for an interview and they're gonna be like ???#bc it was through an automatic text/email thing when i applied#which was how my last job happened but idk. maybe im an idiot and it's all fake so they can point and laugh#and i KNOW thats ridiculous. but that's how it feels rn.#also im worried they'll ask if i want something to eat/drink and i dont know the right answer#like i feel like i should say yes bc what do you mean you wont eat here? but the wrong thing means im taking advantage#and how will i be if im actually working there?#and its all so dumb bc#AGAIN people roll out of bed confident and they're fine. meander their way through and theyre fine. theres no reason to think i wont be#but ANXIETY#its gonna be an out of body experience no matter what and later I'll wonder about all the things i dont remember#if i fucked up or not#and now i have to go in bc it's 7 minutes until my time and i want to be a little early but not too much#fuck#wish me luck#ks talks
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Ohhhhhhhh life is kind of fallong apart all of a sudden thats awesome. Thats awesome. Thats so cool. God. God. Why does my dad have such a big heart why am i so cruel why did my parents have three kids why cant i be normal why cant i get off my ass and work why did my dad bring a cat home without telling me till after
#vent#dad brought an elderly cat home. hes cute. 15 and orange and has hypothyroidism. like butterscotch#and i only found out cause my brother woke me up and told me whej he found out#hes sick. already hes sick. been here two nights and hes sick. emergency vet tomorrow#all his money and all my money probably#which is all his money which is all our graddads money#and i wish he fucking talked to us about it i know i woukd sound like a killjoy but we dont need this right now#i know youre trying to fill the butterscotch hole in your heart but we just brought an animal into our home#and he is going to die in an unfamiliar place hurting and afraid bwcause we dont know what he needs#and i dont know how i feel about the ethics of it but i know my dad wont want to put him down#i dont think he deserves it either i hope hes fine#but the fact of the matter is that i cant do this again and if i gotta fuckin refund christmas presents for food thats fine but im still sad#i feel so bad for petey i feel so bad for my family i hate that ingotta offer upbthe few bucks i have and offer to#scrounge coins up from the floor just in case#godm god. godm i dont wanna see another cat die its cruel for all of us
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tried putting on my radiator for the first time this winter (we've had snow this week.... its focking cold) but it trips the fusebox for the entire flat lmfao. I'm fuuuucked 😐
#all the other radiators work fine its just mine :'(((#and bc its thw weekend they wont come out to fix it until monday at least so thats great#its fine i havent needed it on this week so far and i have layers and a hot water bottle so ill be fine but i did cry abt it a bit#but not so much abt the radiator just a lot on my mind.. i couldnt pick up my prescription after work either bc the secretary left half an#hour early and the very kind nurse who had a look for it anyway couldnt find it and i cant get there any earlier next week bc of work#i know itll be fine ive already sent an email to ask if they can send it to my local pharmacy instead ill get my meds before they run out#but still i cried a bit walking home from the clinic 😢 just been a long week even if not a bad one. and i miss my friend whos moving#he'll be on the plane now.... man. its a bit selfish but im also sad abt it bc he always noticed how i was feeling when i was at the gym#like if i was privately dealing w some shit or just wasnt quite myself he could tell n would find a moment to gently ask or just be there#without probing abt it like man hes so reassuring and kind and has such a big heart. before he left he asked me to look out for some of#the quieter ones in our group and make sure they feel included and someones listening to them when he wont be around to anymore#😢💔💔💔💔 and i know i didnt know him long enough to become proper good friends with him but it meant a lot that he looked out for me#like all i really want in this world is to feel seen n safe esp when im having a hard time. and none of my closer friends really do that#and thats okay like its not their fault and they just express their way of caring differently but sometimes i feel so lonely ah....#and also my period is due and im kind of scared of how painful itll be bc the last few have been so bad snd i find loneliness a lot harder#when im in a lot of pain and anyway this is all probably just the pre period hormones making me so tearful so it doesnt matter#its ok made a big bowl of rice so im going to eat that wrapped up cosy in bed with a movie i think. and then sleep#.diaries
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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
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ok yeah i definitely have eating problems. sigh
#its not so much of an ' i dont want to eat so i wont ' situation#its more like a#' no matter how much sleep i get i never have enough energy or motivation to make food for myself even when#i literally feel like im digesting my own organs from the inside so i dont end up eating unless someone else makes#food for me '#yknow what i mean ??#and its like. i cant possibly exaggerate how long i will go without eating if no one offers to make food for me#if my parents didnt make dinner every night id just not eat anything for days on end. thats how bad it can get#its weird because i dont have this issue with hydration ? i know when im dehydrated and i can get water just fine#its actually easier for me to get water than it is to make food#idk maybe its an autism thing
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my parents got my car rear ended to the point my trunk cant close & my dogs were almost crushed to a pulp after i kept telling them i wanted them in the back seat for that very reason
#personal#dodger & kiki are fine im just. so mad#like ik it wont really matter in the long run but they also arent the ppl paying off a loan for that thing !!!!!!!!!!#its going to be so fucking expensive to fix bc its so new too im making them pay for it man#knowing the way my dad drives i honestly can say im surprised this didnt happen sooner 🤨
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splitting at my fp so i had to block his entire sources tags and anything related to it but now half the content for this fandom is gonna poof cuz hes such a popular fan favourite but unfortunately the sight of hin makes me sick ! 😋😋😋
#need a talking tag ...#🫁#yeah that works#im just so . done . im so done !#' partner systems ' i dont care . i didnt want this . all you care about is the fact your little boytoy is in our system and he acted on a#whim to date you so the rest of us had to follow through on principle#i dont want this . im not happy . we arent compatible .#he never even leaves front and most of his headmates get on his nerves so hes almost always in front alone so we have to ask to see others#and then the visits are always just a few hours at most ...#meanwhile he acts like hes never gonna see his partner again when we cant have his bf in front for long without the body being exhausted#and we still let them front for up to a week at most cuz we know how much they love spending time together#they say we can ask for anyone but no ? we fucking cant ? its not that easy ? if it were that easy we wouldve fucking done so by now#im tired of trying to break up this collective partnership and just being told no in response#do my reasons not matter ? why are you begging me to stay when i want to leave so badly ? why do you care so much ?#idk call it a persecutor thing but i just want out . he and his bf can stay together we dont care . we can go back to just being friends and#having two annoyingly clingy alters that cant live without each other its fine thats fine#but let the rest of us go . we arent happy . the others were so hopeful for this once it started and now after a month they see things myway#and i didnt even have to yell at them to listen to me although i certainly fucking tried before this even happened#its rushed . its unstable . it doesnt matter how much you try because the damage has been done .#the way our systems work is just too different . we cant keep this up without hurting each other .#rip off the bandaid . let me go . or we wont be able to stay friends when you finally do .#ugh whatever . i talked too much i feel too human . nobodys even gonna see this so i feel even worse about it all#whatever . whatever . i dont care .#nobody listens to miasma anyway
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im so tired of just. not being a priority
#personal#vent#maybe im just sensitive or something but nobody cares#they seem to care when its each other but not if its me ofc#and they wanna move it for themselves even if it wont work for me. okay.#why is it that you are prioritized over me. thats literally all i want to know#i havent gotten to hang out with that friend in forever cause i wasnt invited to the last hang out#which is fine i dont need to be invited to everything#but i WAS invited to this and then it became very clear i just didnt matter enough in that equation#im so tired because this shit KEEPS happening but i love them too much#and where tf else am i supposed to go#and how would i even communicate this?? hey yeah i feel like you guys dont care.#but then they’ll tell me ofc they do and jack shit will change#and he couldve at least. idk. pretended to care#nope.
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man i wish i did have all this privilege everyone acts like I have for being a trans guy, my life would be way more chill. I wouldnt hafta worry about shit really
#see some nazi shit in my town? nah. doesnt matter. im a man after all ! doesnt effect me and totally never would !#seeing men being misogynistic or creepy to women? doesnt effect me emotionally anymore because im a man ! I have no feelings !#walking home alone at night? nah. doesnt matter. im a man! nevermind that im short and have long hair so I could easily be#mistaken as a woman especially at night and even if not- being short is something a motivated individual can use against me if#they want to- but it doesnt matter. im a man now! suddenly thats not a concern. suddenly this totally wouldnt happen. at all.#someone would approach me to try and see that im a man and go 'oh sorry sir my mistake I didn't realize it was a super special privileged#man please be on your way now'#many such cases#vent#gotta go to a gyno or some sort of doctor relating to my reproductive system? it'll all go perfectly smoothly and even better#now that im recognized as a man- surely there wont be any issues getting help now. it should be easier. im a man after all.#trying to find a place to belong socially? must be easy. im a man. disregard that im a man w poon for a second- that should surely never#play a role even if hanging out with cis men. they totally wont notice how I avoid the bathroom or locker rooms around them or ever#getting naked in front of them for any reason- its surely not just a matter of time till they find out and subsequentially start treating m#different. and nevermind trying to fit in in queer spaces im a man so i dont belong in them as you know.#and nevermind being friends with women either- im a man so naturally that totally means all i think about is fucking women and never#just being friends with them so thats not possible and women should never work on their assumptions about dudes ever bc assuming#im probably a creep-rapist by virtue of attempting to interact with them is fine and normal for them to do and I should expect it#and totally be okay with it and totally just shut off my emotions to feel nothing about it#which is again normal#esp as someone who's also been victimized by cis men and then being assumed to be like an abusive cis man is totally something thats#normal and shouldnt effect me at all it totally does not fuck with you to constantly be assumed to be like someone who abused you#especially when you know you're not like that but ppl assume anyways and its normal to assume and i just have to accept it ig#cool#love that privilege i have
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I really want to find some way to fix the problem but that desire is my compulsion (?) and it never actually fixes the problem. I tell myself to drop it and focus on other things like my art, but I just wish I could fix it now. The only way I can fix it is through ignoring it. And that will take time. (but also it feels unsafe to ignore it, because i feel like it is a real issue even though its probably not a real issue).
#i need to see a therapist again instead of mental health posting to tumblr#but as ive said therapists frustrate me because they just act like i only have an anxiety disorder and ignore bigger issues i bring up#like if i bring up being confused about reality or stuck on a topic or tense because of the past... they seem uncomfortable with it.#and then i also have to find a therapist who is experienced in lgbt people because otherwise theyll waste time asking me about my gender#when i dont need to talk about my gender because thats not a mental health issue.#and its just hard to talk face to face about what the ocd is actually about#and im scared that a therapist will see the healthy non ocd parts of my fixation as wrong and try to make it go away.#i guess its just that#therapists are either too old so they wont understand/accept me#or theyre too young so they just dont know how to handle bigger mental health issues yet.#and none of this even matters im fine and enjoy my life but i just cant get the topic out of my head right now#my entire existance is consumed by this topic and i cannot trust myself or like myself because of the topic.#i want to fix it.#i need to ignore it to fix it.#but i want to fix it now.#but i cant.#and it always comes back. i cant be myself because of the topic. it always comes back.#i want it to be fixed.#and what if it is a real concern? what if i cant be trusted?#idk
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#every time i ask for help it ends up worse than it was#when i ask my mom she accuses me of not wanting help and not knowing what i want and how its my fault i dont want to be better#im always accused of not wanting help and not doing anything as if im not always researching and calling doctors and social workers#but thats my mom shes crazy and manipulative#but then when i take friends by their word that i can always talk to them and open up and say that i need them#i get ghosted???? 🥲#like its kinda funny at this point#and i know its a common autistic thing that people think that we dont mean what we say and play down our emotions#and that freeze and fawn trauma responses change how we show distress and sometimes makes us not show it appropriately#but every time i said#hey im feeling really bad i need you#to someone#they answer way too late and go like haha oops oh well!!!! sorry so busy!!!#as if my request had a time limit and now it didnt matter anymore#or they literally stop answering me for months#i texted my mental hospital friend in november for her birthday and she answered in january and i told her im in distress#and i havent heard from her since#every time i need someone their own life comes in the way which is fine and natural but#i really get the feeling i only matter to people#when im there for them and to help them or when im fun to be around#everyone says hey its okay and important to ask for help#people who care want you to ask for help#and i remind myself of that and try to work on my abandonment issues and all the self isolating#and then i get ignored and abandoned and i literally cant do it anymore 🥲#i know its unfair to think my friends should know that im having a stressful time so they should know better and check on me#so i dont do that and i communicate#but it doesnt do anything!!!!! literally nothing!!!#i think its even making it worse because they think theyve let me down so much i wont ask again and theyre off the hook#what else can i do????? like genuinely im so confused#and because i get hung up on those things i get borderline diagnosis that are wrong because i obsessively try to be fair and not too clingy
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Why can’t i catch a break.
Why is my luck so shit?
#lost my job and my laptop died. i cant afford to repair it#which means my alternative ways of funding are also removed.#i know#nobody gives a fuck#and im yelling into the void#idk. my health condition will probably kill be before the year is out anyway so what does it fucking matter at this point#vent#i just want to BREATHE and have some happiness before my lights go out#instead im laying bedbound and praying that tomorrow things will be better (on repeat)#making peace with the things i wont get to see was fine but now i cant experience the things i’d been given the time to#its starting to feel like surviving is a curse
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well.
#concert was rly rly fucking good lets focus on that. dont want to ruin my memory of it#and the rest doesnt matter. ill break down tomorrow when everyones gone i cant do it right now its too late and we have a guest#just so tired. doesnt even matter its just me. and i have to be myself the rest of my life. im never getting out of this labyrinth#well at least if no one else has my back the national always will.. the right kind of concert to be at while dealing w my stupid shit#and i can listen to their music on loop forever and ever ill be fine#give me a couple days and ill have repressed it into oblivion again and i can go back to living my sham life where everythings okay#until i get reminded again and it unspools. and then ill just scoop it back up and zip it back inside. over and over yippee#but it doesnt matter as long as everyone else is happy and they can pretend i am too so they dont have to care#im being stupid and melodramatic dont even worry abt it my brain is just so fucking broken and im incapable of human connection its cool#at least i wont hurt anyone else just keeping it all in here it doesnt matter!!!!!! well it does to me. but i dont count so its okay#at least yeah concert was rly rly banging i hope they play here again some time in the future and im still around for it#and ill get to remember how good it was every time i listen to them :-) which is basically every day woooo#god. im gojng to go to sleep before i fall apart and start ugly crying#at least tomorrow off too n climbinggg. so much easier hanging out with strangers bc it doesnt matter if they dont want me there#nothing to lose and they cant hurt me bc i can only get hurt by ppl i care abt and i dont know them that well so its all cool#and im good at climbing n need to burn it out of my system. i can get by microdosing social connection for thr rest of my life i guess#feel so so so ashamed for even feeling like this its such a prison in my head i hate it i hate it its fine ok stopping for real goodnight.#sorry for ventposting i cant go hurt myself instead bc ppl over. so here we are again ahh..#ah ahhh yeah anyway goodnight#.vent
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