#if my parents didnt make dinner every night id just not eat anything for days on end. thats how bad it can get

[goodnightwindy]

ok yeah i definitely have eating problems. sigh

[deeeelightfuldee]

Are you better at cooking dinners or making cakes/biscuits/sweets? baking definitely. I want to get more comfortable cooking.

Have you ever cut someone else’s hair? yes. I used to be pretty good at doing my brothers hair-- even the fading. But I’m sure I’ve forgotten it all by now.

Who was the last guest in your house and what were they staying for? probably my sister or my nephews.

How many long term relationships have you been in? blegh. not many. Whenever I’d know that it didnt have long term potential, id drop it. no sense dragging out the inevitable.

Do you sleep with all the lights out, or do you leave a lamp or even the television on? so for the longest time I kept my room super dark. I slept well. once miller died and kile broke my heart, I couldn’t sleep without the tv playing. I needed to hear something calming and voices talking so I wouldn’t be left with my thoughts. I still can’t turn it off.

Who is one person you have forgiven, but still have not “forgotten” what they have done? i think its easy to say “forgive and forget” but the reality is that once we have endured trauma we don’t easily forget. I think its kind of unrealistic. I’m trying to forgive kile but thats going to take.. i dont know how long. As for what it was... it was just betrayal.. lying. for six+ years. lots of laughing at me. 

Are you a fan of Lana Del Rey? I like some of her songs.

Do you know your blood type? o+

Do you know your mother’s birthday? Yes. its coming up. 

Have you ever been pregnant? I dont think so. I was really late after my assault but who knows.

How old were you when you first went on a plane? like 7ish

Have you ever had to take out a loan for anything? Yeah, student loans. 15k feels so daunting right now.

Are both of your blood parents still in your life? One is. My mom.

When was the last time you went apple picking? highschool maybe?

Someone asked you what you wanted, what would you say? money.. or a trip.

Have you ever been drunk at school or work? definitely not. 

How many bedrooms are in your house? four. 

Are you smart about computers? I know some stuff.

Have you ever played Just Dance for Wii? oh heck’n yeah

Do you own a Xbox 360? I had one from my brother for a little while but I traded it for the gamecube since Kile was going to send me one of the 15 he had lol. That didn’t end up happening, but its OK i really dont need more gaming.

Would you ever do a sex tape for a million dollars? oooooooo.. probably not.

So, do you need a nap? all day is full of naps to try and get over this.

What would you rather be doing? school

What sport are you the best at? maybe volleyball or swimming

Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Nope, im the baby. 

Do you complain a lot? no, i try not to. I find complaining to be the most unattractive and yet common human trait and while there are definitely situations worthy of complaining, most of the time it just makes a situation worse than it actually was.

Would you rather go to an authentic haunted house or an ancient temple? temple

Do you like fruity or minty gum? definitely minty

Are you looking forward to any day of this month? i was really looking forward to Kile’s birthday on monday, but since we arent talking anymore then there is no joy in that. all the other special dates have been ruined by covid.

Have you ever gotten detention? Nope. homeschoolers and detention arent a thing. 

Is there a traumatic event that you’ve experienced that’s changed your life? oh sure. heartbreak, deaths, assaults, etc.

Do you buy a majority of your clothes from a certain store, or do you just pick out items of clothing you could see yourself wearing, not caring about the store it came from? no, i can’t be super picky because not every store carries clothing long enough for me.

Have any of the artists you’re fond of released new albums recently? i havent got a clue

Would you ever keep your favorite animal as a pet? I mean I’m very fond of cats & dogs

Ever cried so much you threw up? this is what happened the whole 2-3 weeks following finding out about Kile.

Who is your best guy friend? I suppose now that would be Nathan

What do you two do when you hang out? drives, game nights, get food/drinks, or just talk.

What is a movie that you thought you would hate but you ended up loving? Her

Do you even like horror movies? not particularly. I’ll watch them if someone else wants to but its not my preference.

Do you live in the country? i live in the suburbs i suppose.

What is your favorite accent? Some southern and British accents. <same ... i have no idea how I made the font like this.

Have you ever had a boyfriend your parents didn’t like? Not that I can think of.

Do you drink Pepsi or Coke? diet coke

What do you plan to do on your 21st birthday? my family celebrated during the day and then I think nathan took me out on the town

Do you have any person in your family with an addiction to beer? nope.

Do you take a lot of pictures? man. this question is hard. I used to love taking pictures of myself. I had much more self confidence and some of it was because kile LOVED my selfies -- or so he said. and I just had so much fun doing that. Since the heartbreak, I’ve maybe taken 10 selfies. I just don’t have any self confidence in my looks anymore. its so different now. most of my pictures now are of other people or scenery.

What kind of face wash do you use? cerave when I want to. otherwise i use water and a very particular type of fabric. 

Does drama always seem to follow you? No, i dont think so.

Does anybody in your family race? like cars? running? no.

Are you closer to your mom or dad? My mom.

How much money did you used to get from the ”tooth fairy?” I think i got it like 2x and it was a dollar.

Do you have a laptop or desktop? Laptop.

Do you like your parents? i love my mom.

Do you secretly like someone? No.

Would you ever date your best male friend? I don’t see any romantic feelings developing between nathan and I

What are you currently listening to? I have gilmore girls on.

Do you want to be single? oooof. Um. I am torn on this subject. On the one hand, i really am ready to be loved, held, protected, cared for, etc. I love the idea of building a life together with someone and us both protecting our unit. I miss supporting, cherishing, loving on someone. Yet on the other hand, im fine being single. I have so much insecurity about myself lately that I dk that anyone else needs to deal with that baggage. Idk

Did you go out or stay in last night? I stayed in. ill be staying in for some time.

Have you pretended to like someone? romantically, no. professionally, yes.

How is your heart lately? Sad. heavy. 

Are you wearing socks? not at the moment. 

What do people call you? Di, diana, dee, ana, di-nan-na, dine-uh, deenah.

Do you get stressed out easily? no, I really dont

Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? yes

What is wrong with you right now? im sick. im heartbroken.

Do you own something from Hot Topic? not that I know of. if I do, it’d be from like middle school. I never shopped there but people tended to give gifts from there.

Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? Alone. maybe I havent found the right sort of person to share a bed with.

Do you still talk to the person you last made out with? No.

Have you ever seen your best friend cry? Yes, several times. 

Did you get any compliments today? No.

Have you ever gone to a beach? many many many times.

What would you say if someone asked you to get high right now? not my thing. at all.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? Yes.

Have you ever done volunteer work just because you wanted to? Yes.

Do you have long nails? they are healthy length. I want to grow them out a bit more. 

Do you like the gender you are? Yeah.

Do you generally look nice in photos? Not anymore

Have you ever had a stick insect as a pet? no haha

What colour are your father’s eyes? Blue.

If I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want to be the performer? uhhhhm, blue october

Would you ever get into a long distance relationship? maybe not anymore. 

What’s your favorite hot beverage? hot chocolate from dunkin

Did you ever play an instrument? If so what? i did. no comment.

Would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents? oooooohhhhhhhhh man i love both.

Do you think you’re important? I mean i offer some importance to this world but eh.

What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? Hmm no idea.

Have you been diagnosed with any mental disorders? no

Have you ever moved to another state or country? If so, how did it feel to be new? No.

Do you know how to properly eat food with chopsticks? Nope.

What was the first thing you ate today? I haven’t eaten since breakfast yesterday

If you could spend the day, doing absolutely anything, with anyone, anywhere, what would it be like? for the longest time it was to spend the day driving aimlessly and getting food and talking about everything and nothing with Kile. now, its just.. idunno. blank.

If I were to ask you how you are doing, and you were only able to answer completely honestly, what would come out? I’m not doing well.

What is the one thing that you have been avoiding that you should do? There’s a few things related to school.

Is there anything that you wish you could take back? not really, no.

What, in your mind, could make you truly happy? this whole covid nonsense going away, heartbreak to soothe, and my miller back.

If you could change one conversation in your life, what would you say differently? Would it have REALLY made any difference? i dont know. 

When is the next time you’ll change your hairstyle? Will you color it? I just changed it up so itll be a bit.

Do people normally say you’re a fast typist, or are you rather slow? Fast.

Have you ever been considered the ‘smartest person in school?’ yes. several times.

How many drugs are in your system? lol lots of meds rn to kick this. usually none.

What’s on your schedule for tomorrow? the same as today.

Do you currently have any bite marks/hickeys on your body? No. i dont like the idea of bite marks but hickeys were fun for a time. in not visible areas tho.

Do you call anyone baby? Not anymore.

What’s your current mood? Bleh.

What were you doing before filling out this survey? Watching gilmore girls

How late did you stay up last night? I took PM meds at i wanna say 8? maybe 7? I don’t remember.

When was the last time you cried really hard? its been a few weeks since ive cried about Kile. I’m in the numb stage.

Is your hair longer than your shoulders? hahahahahahah

[timmisny]

for most of high school i had an eating disorder. though you’d never expect it from me, i was obviously overweight.

i never did reach my goal. in fact, if anything i gained weight because of it.

before my ed, i was always content with my body. i was chubby, sure, but nothing that couldn’t be hidden by some high-wasted pants and an oversized t-shirt. 

i was never bullied in high school. at least not by my peers. people were generally nice. my father, on the other hand, was a different story.

yes he was physically abusive. yes he dangled me by the hair at the top of the stairway when i was five. yes he left my 9th birthday to party and come home drunk and knock a dresser on top of me. yes he threw ceramic dishware at me just a few days ago for leaving my bike unlocked. and yes i am fucking traumatized.

but all those things, all those horrible things he did and continues to do, none of them can equate to the words he stabs into me. 

i started to skip lunch and breakfast freshman year. i only wanted to lose a little weight, and id still eat dinner every night anyway. my dad had been beginning to point out my “tummy pocket”.

we bought a scale. we took turns weighing ourselves for some sick and twisted reason. my older sister was 5′1 and 125 lbs. i was 5′4 and 137 lbs. i was younger. my dad pointed this out.

sophomore year, i discovered ed tumblr. over the summer, i had forgotten about my losing weight goal and just tried to enjoy the vacation. by that point i was 145 lbs. 

that disgusted me. i found thinspo, ana&mia, the whole shebang. i would starve myself for 4 days straight, and then binge. instead of going to lunch or study hall, i’d walk around the school, up and down stairs to burn more calories. chewing gum helped too. i became vegan to have an excuse not to eat with everyone else.

i was on and off with recovery. id say i was going to recover, but not because i thought there was something genuinely wrong with me, but because i was just hungry. 

i was down to 115 by the end of december. and no one noticed, no one cared. so i gave up. i enjoyed life again. it was winter, and i couldnt flaunt my body anyway.

cut to junior year. i’m 155 lbs. as it turns out, starving yourself enables a response in your body that spares calories and decreases your metabolism. so although i was eating a regular, healthy amount, i gained a ton of weight. 

my father had begun pointing this out. “you’re too fucking fat, meg.” “your ass is enormous.” “you’ve got to be heavier than i am!” “you gotta stop eating so much.” “you don’t stand a chance.”

so i became bulimic. anorexia had never really worked out for me, as i always ended up bingeing the calories i refused myself. my capillaries would burst around my eyes from the strain, a symptom known as petechiae, and i would wear sunglasses and completely make myself up to hide the little red dots.

that didnt work much. i often found myself gazing at my reflection in the toilet bowl. still fat, still ugly. it’s hard to look at yourself through chunks of undigested carrots.

senior year i gave up completely. i weigh 163 lbs and i would be lying if i said i loved myself. i don’t. i hate it. every time i try to think positively, every time i think im in full recovery, my father will say something about how i look and i will run to the bathroom to plunge a toothbrush down my throat.

my point is, you don’t know what people are going through. if making fun of fat people gets you off, then obviously you’re a dick. but also? parents do not realize how much they influence their children. i have never held anything close to love for my father, except for maybe hate, and yet at the first sign of disapproval, i chuck myself into a long spiral of self-loathing.

tldr: be who you want to be. appearance means nothing. fuck parents

[heycasbutt]

From the Beginning

A/N: This is my first attempt at Dom MGG, requested by @princesswagger15, and also i decided to try my hand at it since my Dom Spence fic was so well received. i was hesitant about this one, but I really honest to God hope you love it as much as I do. This one focuses on ageplay, and it’s more of a Daddy Dom/Little Girl type situation. It was inspired by @dontshootmespence ‘s Long Shot Series-which is amazing and every one of you should check it out. 

Warnings: Daddy Kink, Age Play. No actual sex occurs in this one, but there is some fingering and spanking so don’t say i didn’t warn you. 

Enjoy!!!

You had become enamored with Matthew since he walked into the coffee shop where you worked when you were 16. He came in daily that summer and always ordered the same thing. A large black coffee, and a blueberry scone. By the third day you had his order memorized and had it waiting for him.

It was 2 years before he officially asked you on a date. You had grown close during your encounters at the coffee shop. You’d sit with him during your breaks and talk about classic literature. Chaucer, Jane Austen, Edgar Allen Poe, Ray Bradbury-your personal favorite. Being nearly 18 years your senior, Matthew was hesitant to pursue a relationship with you, and you understood. So you told him to wait till your 18th birthday, then you’d be in the clear. Nothing to worry about. So he did just that. Technically he took you on your first real date the night before your 18th birthday, but he didn’t kiss you until he took you home just after midnight. 3 days later you graduated from high school and he asked you to be his girlfriend to which you wholeheartedly accepted. He took you to dinner again that night and later you made love for the first time in his living room.

At 19, you were moved in with Matthew, content in life, and almost done with your sophomore year of college. Matthew insisted you let him put you through and you vehemently rejected having saved every penny you could since you were 5-in addition to getting a small scholarship that put you through your freshman year. But of course, he couldn’t listen and you found that out when your first bill arrived for your sophomore year and said your semester’s tuition had been paid in full. You called the school wondering who had paid it and the sweet lady on the other line, her name was Tanya told you your husband had done it. You thanked her and hung up the phone, stalking across the house to find the offending figure of Matthew. When you found him, he was sitting in the garden, reading a book, a picnic laid out in front of him.

“What’s this?” You asked coming to sit by him. He just smiled and pulled you close.

“Shemar once told me that it takes about 3-5 business days to fall in love. Anything faster than that is faster than Amazon Prime and that’s just unrealistic. But I knew I loved you from the first day I met you in that coffee shop. I knew that my life had come full circle and was complete when I took you on that first date and kissed you. I knew that I loved you when I watched you graduate and then we made love that night, the first night of many thank God!” Matthew chuckled softly. He produced a small box from his pocket and opened it, revealing a simplistic but gorgeous engagement ring. You gasped softly and before Matthew could even ask you to marry him, you had pinned him to the ground and began kissing him hungrily.

“I take that as a yes?” Matthew laughed and kissed you again sliding the ring on your finger. You nodded with another smile as Matthew stood up and carried you into the house.

You eloped 3 weeks later at a courthouse in Pasadena. Shemar and A.J. were the only ones there to witness the ceremony. Your parents had all but disowned you after finding out you were dating someone nearly old enough to be your father and Matthew’s parents were of the same mindset, not too happy their boy was dating a girl fresh out of high school. But that didn’t stop either of you, You smiled the biggest, dorkiest smile you’d smiled in years when you slid the gold band on Matthew’s finger and officially made him yours.

Now you were 20, a Gubler, and happier than you had been in your whole life. It was quickly approaching your wedding anniversary with Matthew and he was due home any minute. You took extra care to change the bedsheets to the deep burgundy silk ones that Matthew loved. You fluffed all the pillows and covered them in silk pillow cases before placing the large white duvet back on the bed and situating the decorative pillows. You had cleaned every inch of the house, and prepared Matthew’s favorite meal, your grandmother’s lasagna. You still couldn’t legally drink but that didn’t stop Matthew from keeping a few bottles of wine in the house for dinners like these. A red wine you had received as a wedding gift had been chilling in an ice bucket when the lock on the front door sounded and your favorite person in the universe stepped through.

“Hey you,” Matthew muttered against your lips as he kissed you over and over again. He had only been gone a week, but Skyping just wasn’t as good as having the real thing.

You ran your hands through his hair and smiled as his eyes rolled back in pleasure. You peppered kisses along his neck and popped open the top two buttons on his shirt.

“Much better,” You cooed in his ear as he slowly backed you against the wall.

“Dinner will get cold,” You reminded him as you tugged on his hair. His stomach growled loudly and you both laughed rather loudly at the interruption.

“Let’s eat then. I want to talk to you about something,” Matthew said releasing you from his grip. You made your way into the kitchen and spooned up some of the hot food for Matthew and yourself. Pouring you both a glass of wine, you sat at the small kitchen table.

“Alright. Go for it, Matthew,” you smiled as you took a small bite of food.

“So, you know how I’m nearly 18 years older than you?” Matthew smirked taking a sip of wine and leaning back.

“Yes...” You replied tentatively.

“So I was doing some research and reading on the flight home and I thought maybe we could try something in the bedroom,” Matthew looked down shyly and your mind started spinning with all the possibilities.

“What is it?” You asked walking around the table and sitting on his lap. The food long forgotten now.

“I was thinking how sexy it would be if you were my little girl” He kissed your shoulder “And I was your daddy..” Matthew trailed kisses up to your neck and began sucking softly eliciting a delicious moan from deep inside you.

“Oh daddy, I’d love that,” You groaned again, gripping his knee. His hands traveled up to your breasts and kneaded them gently.

“Now, while daddy has been gone, have you been a good girl? Have you touched your sweet little pussy and thought about daddy?” Matthew cooed in your ear. You felt all the blood pool in your nether regions and you thought you were going to explode.

“Yes daddy. Every night. I missed your hard, thick cock thrusting in and out of me making me scream,” You moaned breathlessly. One of Matthew’s hands had made its way up your skirt and he was lazily circling your clit. Your breath hitched in your throat and a low guttural moan came forth.

“Well, the rules are going to change my sweet baby girl,” Matthew said picking you up and carrying you bridal style to the bedroom. You squealed in anticipation of what was to come.

He laid you softly on to the large bed and kissed down to the swell of your breasts.

“God you’re gorgeous,” Matthew moaned as he slid your shirt and bra off, his lips attaching to one peaked nipple. You moaned and knotted your fingers in his delicious locks.

“Let go,” Matthew cautioned as he lightly dragged the tip of his tongue between the valley of your breasts.

“But daddy...” You moaned and bucked your hips against him. He pinned your hips to the bed and got closer, a fire flickered behind his eyes.

“I said. No. You are my sweet little girl and my naughty little slut and you do what daddy tells you to do when daddy tells you to do it. Do I make myself fucking clear?” He growled and nipped at your ear. You groaned as he enveloped your lips in a heated sensual kiss.

“Oh yes,” You groaned in his ear, desperate for any sort of friction between your legs. As quick as the words escaped your lips, Matthew had pulled you upright and grabbed your ass.

“What the fuck did you say?” He whispered low and huskily to you. You knew what would happen if you lied but you took your chances anyways.

“Oh yes,” You repeated more breathily and sensuous than before. Before you could see the reaction on Matthew’s face, a hand came and whacked you on the ass. You squealed and then let out a small moan.

“Do you like that? Do you like when Daddy punishes you for being the naughty girl that you are?” Matthew crooned into your ear, his sex voice always sent pleasurable shivers up your spine.

“Y-Yes Daddy,” A loud moan escaped your lips as Matthew pushed you onto all fours and slid 2 long fingers into your slick center.

“Good girl, you’re so wet. Is that all for Daddy, hmm?” Matthew trailed a finger down your spine, making you shiver. You arched your back into him and grunted in reply.

“I didn’t hear that, girl,” Matthew commanded, slapping your ass again. The sensation sending you face first onto the bed. You were flipped over onto your back and Matthew kissed and nipped along your collarbone as he slid 2 fingers back into you and rubbed your clit with his thumb.

“Yes Daddy, it’s all for you,” You whined softly and reached for Matthew’s head to push him further down your body.

“That’s more like it. Are you going to come for daddy?” Matthew growled in your ear and shoved his fingers deeper inside you. His thumb rubbed feverishly on your clit, you could feel the ecstasy building within you and you cried out in pleasure. Matthew groaned and sucked roughly on your hardened nipple. Your walls clenched around his fingers as you rode out the first waves of your orgasm.

“Oh my fuck, Matthew!” You cried and buried your fingers in his hair. Your orgasm slowly subsided and Matthew tenderly pulled his fingers out of your center. Making eye contact with you, he sucked the remnants of your ecstasy from his fingers.

“You’re such a fucking slut. But, you’re my slut, understand,” Matthew whispered into your ear and then kissed you softly.

“Yes, Daddy,” You nodded with a smile and kissed him again. Pulling away slightly, you pursed your lips in thought, “But, can we make love now? Just as Matthew and Y/N?” You asked innocently, as you scraped your nails up his still clothed chest.

“No,” Matthew said firmly and got up walking into the en suite.

“But-“You called after him.

“Patience my little girl. Good things come to those who wait,” Matthew said coming to stand in the doorway of the bathroom, his shirt hanging open.

The ever elusive ‘They’ always said Patience is a virtue, but tonight, you weren’t feeling like such a virtuous woman.

[swampgallows]

therapy today went okay but i feel like i talked too much lmfao. i passed out around like 10pm and now im awake again and uhh hmmm ngngngghghhhmhm

also she asked me like “find out what you wanna get out of therapy and then we can set some goals” lmao i wanna GET FIXED 

i dunno if i am actually mentally ill or if it’s just my mom/environment or if i’m neurodivergent somehow or if i need medication or whatever the fuck it is, i just know that it’s not normal to feel okay one day and then have some minor thing happen that catapults me into feeling suicidal. im doing better lately but that’s why i signed up for therapy NOW because i know when im feeling good i get this delusion of like “haha see i never needed it at all :)” and then some little fucking thing happens (or nothing happens) and suddenly i cant get out of bed for three days. i told her that i think it’s more than my environment because even when i was busy at work and even when i was busy and away from home in college i had extremely persistent and severe depression, got into several different overlapping abusive relationships, nearly failed my classes one semester, and then i got hit by a car, was in a wheelchair for 6 months, then had our car hit by a semi immediately afterward. it’s time for new glasses btw lmao as i am still wearing the same pair that got scratched to shit and annihilated in the accident. lmfao The Accident™

this is a pic of them from the night of the accident and the scratches have only gotten worse. id take a new pic but im in bed in the dark and whatever

the therapist seemed impressed with my psychology knowledge which was kind of discomforting, in a way. i guess im just so used to my own situation and people utilizing the internet to learn about their own head cases that i dont consider it novel to have actually done research. also because with my other experiences i felt like doctors would be dismissive of me as if i was trying to one-up them or something, like “well -I- have the degree and YOU dont” like, well yeah, im not sitting here trying to correct you but i am gonna use the terminology im familiar with even if theyre super special SAT words or w/e (like i’m gonna say shit like “comorbid” and “hypnagogic” because that’s the terminology i use all the time to describe these situations... i throw out “5 dollar words” all the time :\) but i think maybe by also having a video/verbal conversation w me that she knows i’m not sitting there meticulously typing up the most fancy schmancy shit i can find, flippin through a thesaurus like a blood elf nobleman vampire’s purple prose or somethin.

i guess what i wanna get out of therapy is uh

1. i dont want to be suicidal, which means 2. i have to build confidence, which means 3. i have to become self-reliant, or more self-reliant than i am.

she suggested, on the grounds of my mom giving me interrogation any time i try to go out on my own (hence me only feeling comfortable to go out when i fucking sneak out of the house or on the VERY rare occasions that she isn’t home) that i have a written list that i either give to her personally or write out and leave for her to read at her leisure of all the answers to her questions: where ive gone, when i’ll be back, what i’m doing, etc. the problem is coming home, though, because then she reads me the riot act of guilt on anything i did. if i go out and get food, it becomes about her. if i go out and do an errand, it becomes about her. everything i do somehow falls back on her. 

i explained to the therapist that even when i was still working—a perfect chance to learn to drive and drive regularly—i took the bus the entire time. but i’d have to be driven TO the bus stop and then take the bus to work, which meant my mom drove me to the bus every day. and my dad would talk about how good it was for MY MOM to have a reason to get up in the morning, and that it’s good for her because it gives her a kind of schedule or obligation to follow. so then like... my schedule now becomes HER schedule. and i martyr my potential independence of driving to work on my own in order to give my mom a sense of purpose. 

so...every day, mom picked me up from the bus stop, just like she had been for all the years i was in school. of course i never went out and did anything after (or before!) work; i never had the freedom. sure i could tell my mom partway through the day if i was staying late or going somewhere else, but my work was also in the middle of a canyon, five miles of nothing in either direction. if i missed the bus home, i wouldnt have another chance to go home for another hour. so having buses come only once an hour and then also having my mom waiting for me at the stop... it was just too much trouble to say like “hm i think i’ll go grab a smoothie before work” or “maybe i’ll hang with my coworkers a bit and go grab dinner with them” or “maybe i’ll start going to the gym after work”. i couldnt make any executive decisions about my own life. i think that restriction of freedom happens for lower income people too, since youre relying on a (notoriously shitty) bus service to get anywhere and you also cant just throw money around that often. i had a little slush fund to treat myself every so often but i didnt have the access to it. 

EVERY day that i was 20 minutes away from the stop i would have to text my mom the name of the stop (imagine, if it were “maple street” or something, my entire text message history with my mom just being “maple” “k” “maple” “k” back and forth for months) in case she had fallen asleep or was doing something, as the bus would sometimes be late or early or whatever. and sometimes i would delay that text on purpose to have the extra time to buy something from one of the fast food places located at my bus stop, then hide it in the bottom of my bag and hope it wasn’t too aromatic that my mom would notice and ask me about it. 

BECAUSE if i bought food on a day she made dinner, she would flagellate herself about it, and if i bought food on a day that she DIDNT make dinner she would flagellate herself about it. it’s HER FAULT because she doesn’t make food enough that i have to go buy my own :((((, so the one time she does cook i’m already getting food because she’s unreliable :((((, and shit like that, instead of like, just because there IS food doesn’t...mean anything!!!!! maybe i just wanted a certain kind of food that day!! But it becomes about her!!!! everything i do hurts her. everything i do. so i just got adjusted to just... not eating, or eating the same things over and over. eventually, when i was still working, i would eat nothing but a muffin until i came home. and if there was food, i would eat it, and if there wasn’t, then i wouldn’t eat. many nights i went to bed without eating even if there WAS food because i was just so fucking tired.

i dunno i kinda lost my train of thought but basically it’s hard to assert myself because i’m not confident because a lot of the time i dont know if im doing something right. it reminds me a lot of the scene in tangled where rapunzel fucks up and something bad happens to her and her mom catches her in the act, and she uses that to reinforce rapunzel’s dependence on her. like obviously my mom isn’t abusive like that but it makes me afraid to fail and even MORE afraid to even try, because i know that if i DO fail--whatever it is--it will just be more evidence for why i should have just asked her or had her do it. and more evidence, to me, of why im worthless and shitty and incapable of doing anything.

like the other day my mom wanted me to follow her in a separate car to a car place to drop off the car she was driving, and then we’d go home together in one car. but she wanted me to do it at 9 in the fucking morning and let me know two days beforehand. i had been going to BED at like 7am at the time so i was already like ‘man this is gonna suck’. but i was still up in the morning and was getting ready to take a shower, iw as on time, but my mom said “i can tell how tired you are and how nervous you are about doing this so you know what dont worry about it. go back to bed.” and it was really shitty for me because YEAH i was super tired and YEAH i didnt feel like i was capable of driving by myself at that moment, like i probably COULD HAVE if it were an emergency, but my mom talked about doing all this shit afterward like going on a shopping trip and stuff and BASICALLY it’s less that i was afraid of the driving but more that i knew the errand wouldn’t end there. and i had gotten zero sleep and just didnt wanna fucking do it, i didnt wanna have a “girl time :)” outing with my mom, and i knew i’d basically get trapped into hanging out with my mom if i went. so i stayed home. but then that’s also a blow to me because stupid fucking worthless idiot that i am cant even drive ten miles in a fucking car, or whatever, useless leech living with my parents contributing nothing, unemployed for a year, blah blah blah. stupid fucking neet should have never been born etc etc etc

she took an uber home and had glowing reviews about the experience and that’s great for her but the guilt made me throw up because i couldnt even do this minuscule thing. so like, if i DO hand her a note and say “here’s all the shit im going to do, BUH BYE” and some shit happens, or i dont get what i need done, or i dont have a fully developed plan of what i’m doing, then it’s gonna be more ammunition toward what a useless piece of shit i am. like, i dont have good food to eat at the house, but i also have NO APPETITE so nothing sounds good, so i cant even think of what foods i would get if i could. it’s such a jarring opportunity that i would just like...not get anything at all and go home. even when i -did- have the opportunity i just went “Uhh umm uhhh fuck uhhh milk” and got that (AND THEN MY MOM CAME HOME W 2 GALLONS OF MILK FROM COSTCO, SO OF COURSE I -DID SOMETHING WRONG-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF I JUST LEFT IT UP TO HER INSTEAD OF DARING TO DO SOMETHING MYSELF I WOULDNT HAVE LOOKED LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT AND ENDED UP WITH 3 GALLONS OF MILK AT THE HOUSE) of course i drank the milk i bought, it’s not like it went to waste, but i was CAUGHT because there were now THREE instead of the one gallon covertly getting replaced. instead of me doing something helpful i did something that became an inconvenience.

it’s just little shit but it all adds up. it’s been all of these little fucking things forever and ever and ever, just like my mom’s hoarded garbage. “i bought just a couple of things”, innumerable times throughout the duration of my entire life, forever and ever, “just a few small things” over and over until it’s suffocating.  it’s just all this little shit all the fucking time and it’s suffocating.

naturally, the therapist sent me an article on “daughters of narcissistic mothers”. this will be a delight to read, i’m sure.

[love-ndletter]

♡ the super sweet @helianthical tagged me (forever ago lol) for this! tysm! ♡

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people. (im tagging mutuals id like to get to know better, whether we’ve talked before or not!)

tagging: @fxprettygirl, @goldenseoulss, @jajajaebum, @1wnwu, @beijingbabes, @sooyounqster, @fensi, @sungwoonsgf, @wu-yi-man, @whist1e, @lovelyzc, @xuanyisgfriend, @ppj, @kuwuhn, @wjsoobin, @twiceoficial, @milkjoons, @2monstax, @mortisgenesis, and @oos4n! feel free to opt out!

[[READ MORE BELOW]]

THE LAST:

1. Drink: water! 2. Phone call: i checked my phone and it was my mom 3. Text message: checked as well, my last message was from @poking-dimples 4. Song you listened to: my moms playing the radio out back and i can hear it from the front of the house so the song currently playing is katy perry’s wide awake?? i think thats the name 5. Time you cried: last night cause i was really upset lol

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: no 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: no 8. Been cheated on: no 9. Lost someone special: yeah 10. Been depressed: yes 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: no njasnfjka i cant stand alcohol to the point even talking to people about it makes me uncomfortable

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: light grey, pastels, white

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: yes!! ♡ 16. Fallen out of love: no 17. Laughed until you cried: yes 18. Found out someone was talking about you: yes 19. Met someone who changed you: yes 20. Found out who your friends are: yes 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: no lol

GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: like 99%. i dont accept people i dont know irl unless theyre close internet friends (aka just @moonske) 23. Do you have any pets: i currently have 5 cats (2 are foster cats) and 1 dog ♡♡ 24. Do you want to change your name: full name, yeah. my nickname, no. 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: i cant really remember?? i think we went down to the beach and just hung out at my house lmaoo. thats usually what we do for my birthday since the beach is free.  26. What time did you wake up: i woke up at 7am because of an alarm but i didnt have nything to do for the day so i passed out until 10:53 when i just woke up 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: washing my face and applying aloe lotion to my sunburn 28. Name something you can’t wait for: all the music thats going to come out within the next few weeks im so pumped!! 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: maybe 10 minutes ago? i saw her ordering dinner and then she went to the backyard to finish burning stuff in the fire pit 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: i wish i didnt procrastinate so much 31. What are you listening right now: a person playing a game on youtube because the idle sound of others talking helps me focus. 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: i have 2 uncles name tom and i used to have a good friend from elementary names tom but he always pinched me  33. Something that is getting on your nerves: the fact that i keep putting off my summer rope stuff 34. Most visited Website: probably youtube and then tumblr even though ive been pretty absent lately

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME

35. Mole/s: yeah ive got quite a few and i have a super raised one on my neck but its not an issue 36. Mark/s: yeah! most recently i busted up my knee from the lake so theres lots of scratches and cuts on my left knee and i also have uncountable freckles and just recently got a lot more across my nose and cheeks from sunburn. i also have some scars and birthmarks  37. Childhood dream: i wanted to be- very specifically, my mom can verify- a part-time teacher, part-time pharmacist lmaooo 38. Haircolor: its just brown. 39. Long or short hair: its shorter i guess??? its like-when straight and if you pull it taunt to see the actual length- just past my shoulders 40. Do you have a crush on someone:  nope.  41. What do you like about yourself: i like how im really accepting of people and that when i have negative thoughts about people based on first appearance i feel bad and try to correct myself from thinking so negatively about people before i even know them 42. Piercings: the basic earlobes 43. Bloodtype: O+!! i found out after donating blood at school. the red cross sent me a thank you letter and it had a card with my blood information on it so i can keep it on me! i was really excited ajskfnajk im excited to be 17 so i can sign up for the blood donation red cross app so i can donate more often too! 44. Nickname: sav. my parents still call me vanna sometimes 45. Relationship status: single 46. Zodiac: leo 47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favorite TV Show: twd, untold stories of the er, theres probably more but i cant remember any :( 49. Tattoos: no 50. Right or left hand: right handed?? is that what this means lmao 51. Surgery: i got my tonsils removed when i was really young but thats it 52. Hair dyed in different color: the only (basic) colors my hair hasnt been is orange, white, and grey.  53. Sport: i never was on a team or anything but my mom encouraged me to sign up for baseball when i was younger because i had a really good arm  where is question 54 ajsbfjkasfnjk what the 55. Vacation: ive been to chicago a few times for a family vacation and once i went to a hotel in milwaukee  56. Pair of trainers: do i?? own trainers??? i own one pair of sneakers nd theyre actually defective 

MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: dad just brought pizza home  58. Drinking: water 59. I’m about to: eat and then finish this 61. Waiting for: myself to finish this last batch of questions 62. Want: to finish my autobiography 63. Get married: ehhh maybe one day  64. Career: not sure..... i can only seem to think of cons for jobs id be interested in and never the pros. 

WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: i rlly dont like being hugged like 87% of the time but i also dont rlly like being kissed like nywhere so lmaoo 66. Lips or eyes: eyes! ♡♡♡ 67. Shorter or taller: taller....  68. Older or younger: older 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: no preference 71. Sensitive or loud: no preference                                                            72. Hook up or relationship: relationship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: no preference

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a stranger: no 75. Drank hard liquor: no 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: no 77. Turned someone down: yes 78. Sex on the first date: no 79. Broken someone’s heart: yeah  80. Had your heart broken: not in a romantic way  81. Been arrested: no 82. Cried when someone died: yes, every time 83. Fallen for a friend: nope

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: not really 85. Miracles: yeah 86. Love at first sight: kind of? its complicated 87. Santa Claus: no ha ha  88. Kiss in the first date: maybe???  89. Angels: yes

OTHER: 90. Current best friends name: sammy ♡♡♡ my fkn queen shell never see this 91. Eye color: i have brown eyes  92. Favorite movie: Train to Busan, The Breakfast Club, Stand by Me, Zombieland, Hush, Alien, Schindler’s List, 28 Days/Weeks Later, Shaun of the Dead, DUFF, BGF, Mean Girls, Saving Private Ryan, Get Out, Ju:On, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Hacksaw Ridge, The Ring, others....

[ecotone99]

I'd die for you

I first met Urvashi during class 6th of our school. We were classmates. she was kind and bright, but above all she was willing to be friends with someone plain and boring as me. I loved her. But I was alright with never confessing my feelings to her, because i hated the fact that we may not be friends anymore. my parents lived far away from me so most of the times i would have dinner at Urvashi’s house . That day i went to Urvashi’s house to help her cook a feast for her moms birthday. But I was careless, i left the recipe book close to the stove and it caught fire. The fire soon spread through the whole house.

“My mom is still in there “, Urvashi kept shouting but the firefighters wouldn’t let her go past them. Soon the whole house fell to ashes.

“This is all my fault” i thought to myself.

All kinds of things were said at the funeral, that how Urvashi had only her mom after her father had left them , and now that she had also left her , she no longer had anyone left.

“ im really sorry” , i said in a sobbing voice.”its all my fault, if i had paid attention , nothing like that wouldve happened. I know ill never get your forgiveness with just an apology , but i-”

Before i could say anything more, Urvashi hugged me and said,” it’ll be fine , it wasnt your fault, as long as i have you everything will be fine”, she said with tears in her eyes. She didnt care that she had lost someone important because of me , she forgave me with an open heart . thats when i mad up my mind, i will protect Urvashi for as long as i live. She will never suffer like this again. Two years passed.

I could hear some of the girls gossiping in our class.

“He was the 2nd victim “, one of them said.

“Scary,its fishy how they went missing one after the another”. Said another

“I bet she did something to them”

“ who knows?”

“At any rate, its better if we stay away from Urvashi”

I couldnt bear this any longer. I walked up to Urvashi and asked her if she wanted to walk home together.

“Dont let them get to you “ , i said , trying to comfort her.”its not your fault Urvashi”

“But, two people i dated suddenly disappeared you know,” she said.” everything was normal just the other day, now they’re nowhere to be found. Why do those important to me suddenly disappear?” as she said this, Urvashi made the same distraught face she made when her mom died in that fire that day. Seeing her in such a state twisted my heart beyond belief.” i wasnt trying to blame you” she said seeing the look on my face,” youre an important friend . besides what happened two years ago was an accident.”but i could never forgive myself for it.

“Hey” she said while looking and smiling at me,” you know, everyone important to me keeps disappearing one by one. Im terrified, please you dont leave me too”. Heaing those words from her only strengthened my resolve.

“ ill be fine “, i said. We saw each other off and went our own separate ways.

Shes so cute and precious, ‘please dont leave me too’ , i just love her soo much. Ive made up my mind to protect Urvashi. Theres no way id disappear. Thats why everytime Urvashi gets a boyfriend, i test them. I would flirt with them , invite them over and every time they easily come with me. Boys are such pigs. Cheaters like that arent worthy of Urvashi. I wanted to make sure that these filthy men would never make Urvashi cry in the future, so i nipped the problem in the bud. The public thinks theyve gone missing , and Urvashi also hasnt noticed either. I do feel sorry for her since because of all this , there are rumors going about her in the class. But its good this way cause the worthless nobodies stay away from her. As i entered the class i saw that somebody had written ‘ Urvashi is a dirty slut who eats men’.i quickly picked up the duster and rubbed it off. I turned around to see that some girls had surrounded Urvashi and were talking to her. I walked closer to the group to listen what they were talking about. I saw that it was Hargun and her friends talking to Urvashi. I say that they had put dirty wet rags on Urvashis seat.

“Urvashi , could you do something about your seat, i dont want to sit near someone whos seat is so dirty”, she said with hate in her eyes and a sly smile on her face.Urvashi glared back at them.

One of the girls got scared and said” what, you think we did this? You are the one who makes your boyfriends disappear and then attend school as if nothing happened.”

“Stop it you all”, i said in a calm voice, looking towards those girls.” what youre doing is completely disgusting.

“You stay away from this “, Hargun said while facing me “ just because you are her best friend doesnt mean you will support everything she does”

“ i didnt say that because im her friend, i said this because i think you all are scum”

The look in my face caused Hargun to shudder a bit. She left with her friends sson after. Urvashi thanked me for saving her, but the only thing that was going through my mind was that Hargun needed to go for Urvashi to be happy. The next day was a weekend , and Hargun attended extra classes on those days till late evening. I put on my hoodie and grabbed my suitcase, duffle bag and a hammer. I waited for her to be alone and then i started following her. I guess she noticed me because after a few minutes she started running. But i always knew that she was a dumb girl. She ended up running into a dead end with no lights. She turned around to see me , but before she could say anything , i smashed her face in with the hammer. She died instantly . i used the bleach to remove any blood from the path and then stuffed her body into the suitcase. Im getting pretty used to killing poeple. But i hadnt done anything wrong, this was all to protect Urvashi. *click* what was that? I turned around to check where that sound came from but there was no one there. Maybe it was my imagination . maybe im getting too paranoid. What is the point of being scared, i dont care being called a murderer if i can keep a smile on Urvashis face. As i thought this , i saw a wretched rotten away face staring from a corner at me. “ are you sure about that ?” , it said “ you erase those who you deem unworthy of of Urvashi, but that isnt the truth. You just want her all yo yourself , dont you?” i got scared and jumped back in impulse.i looked back at the corner but the face was no longer there.” everything i do is for Urvashi and no one else” i said to myself as i walked back to my home.

The next day after classes ended , our teacher told us that Hargun hadnt reached home yesterday and asked us to be extra careful. While walking home i could see that Urvashi was tense . i asked her what was wrong. “ im really cursed arent i ?, anyone i have any kind of connection with disappears.” as she said this, she started weeping.

“ its not your fault Urvashi” , i said while thinking that it was true that it wasnt her fault, because it was mine.i killed them all.

“ theres no need for you to cry” i said “ because, its their fault they didnt come back, each of them might have a reason why they disappeared. So please dont vry for them” as i said this Urvashi stopped crying and without saying anything went back home.

Later that night i decided that it was finally time for me to dismember Urvashi and dispose off her because even after keeping the body in ice , it had started to rot. I put her body in the bathtub and started cutting her in small pieces. As i was doing this someone rang the bell. I thought they would leave after sometime but they kept ringing the bell continuously.i quickly washed my hands and opened the fron door. I was shocked to see the police standing there.

“ are you deeksha?” they asked.

“ yes , but why? “ i said trying to act cool.

“ we received a report so we came to confirm it” as he said this he produced three pictures in front of me. In two if them i could be seen disposing of bodies and in one of them i could be seen stuffing Harguns body in the suitcase. Seeing this i felt as if i lost my voice. I couldnt say anything.

“You are suspected of unlawful disposal of corpse” said the policeman. “ we will now be searching your house” as he said this, two policemen entered my house. “ we found the body sir” on of them shouted from the bathroom”

“ you are under arrest “ said the policeman in front of me.as the policeman apprehended me , i shouted” who was the bastard that clicke those photos? Ill kill them !!”

“I clicked those “

I turned around to see who said that . i was frozen stiff to see Urvashi standing there. “ thats right, i clicked those “

“ Urvashi, what are you doing here?”

“ the fire that broke out two years ago, no one could blame you no matter how much you were at fault, and also i knew you were in love with me. So i thought that id make you suffer through raging jealousy as revenge for the fire. Thats why i started dating those boys. And as i predicted, you killed them both , and as an added bonus you killed Hargun too” she said while giggling.” you mustve thought of some bullshit , like everything i do is for Urvashi, right? You killed them on your own , can you stop saying that it was for my sake? Those word sound quite funny from the mouth of my mothers murderer.” as she said that i felt destroyed. I just wanted to die. “Wait, then why did you forgive me?” i asked shivering.

“ i can tell many lies, i’ll never forgive you . even if you spend the rest of your life atoning for those sins.”

“ hold on , then why, why did you tell me you forgave me back then, if you didnt forgive me, i was ready to kill myself.if you hated my existence that much , i couldve killedmyself for your sake.”

“ it wouldve been over fr you if you died back then. i had to drag you to the deepest depths of despair or else there would have been no point. You killed three poeple , thats a much heavier sin than setting that fire. Thank you for going to hell on your own” as she said that she gave a carefree smile to me, as if she had finally attained the things for which she lived for.

“ i finally got my revenge”

-end-

submitted by /u/xarcaliber [link] [comments] source https://www.reddit.com/r/shortscarystories/comments/gpnwnm/id_die_for_you/ via Blogger https://ift.tt/3efg8It

[strawberryspeachy]

3 years ago my cat had kittens... i could still talk to my mom kind of.... and... things were ok aside from me being upset over some dumb boy

And i was thinking how i wanna go back. I miss my mom so much i want to go back. And was like. Well that wasnt a good time, a year before was better right?

Leading me to the reason why I was so miserable as a kid.

Look. Im a miserable person - i dont want to blame it all on one person but fuck man...

Everytime i think about times where i was happy, i realize SHE was the reason I WASNT.

Middle school - i had friends. I was smart. I liked school. I had hobbies and dreams. But i never wanted to leave school because i didnt want to come home. I didnt want to come home becauae of HER

I keep saying her like im talkig about my mom. Im not. Im talking about my great grandmother

I just sat here for 10 minites telling myself im stupid and making things up and making things out to be worse than they are.... i bet that thinking comes from her in all honesty

Thinking, “did she love me?” Now. I dont care. I dont miss her. Everytime i think about her its upsetting that i had her in my life... the only good thing i can ever say about her is “i know what its like to have a strict parent” THATS NOT GOOD. like fucking thanks for screaming at me every holiday to eat correctly. Now i know table manners. Thats all you did for me - while making me dread every fucking family dinner which aside from you was wonderful because my family used to be cool.

She ruined every holiday. She didnt want decorations. Were were gonna burn down the house. We were making a mess. We were being loud. She doesnt want this or that in HER HOUSE. She constantly chased everyone out the door because she NEVER had anything nice to say. The second she entered the room everyone made excuses to leave. When shed open her fucking creaking door the laughter would stop, smiles turn to cringes and wed all look at each other with the “welp the funs over” face

She was just so mean. You cant be happy because you’re not doing something she wanted you to do. Or you fucked something up. Theres some reason that youre supposed to be upset or concerned. BUT YOU CANT WIN THAT WAY EITHER - if youre upset - how dare you. You have so many good things you entitled undeserving brat. Fucking appriciate everything. The best way was some mixture where you smile but are ready to be pissed the fuck off in a moments notice. Cause if you wete more pissed off than she was the yelling was cut in half and mostly just her telling you not to give her that attitude - instead of a whole lecture on why you’re a fucking failure.

Everytime i think of a better time in my life. Its not even that much better because of that demon in my life. Constantly teling me shes gonna kick me out of the house. Constantly telling me im a burden to my mom. Constantly telling me im the reason for all her problems and saying that my animals were going to banrupt her.

The only thing i did well in her eyes was that i got good grades in school. She beleived my report card. Thats all. Pretty amazing that she could beleive that but thought i was too damn stupid to graduate college because there was a physical paper in front of her that she recognized

If i cooked or cleaned i did it wrong - if i didnt i should have

Why am i always at my best friends house?! “Her family doesnt want you there!!”

Why dont you play with your animals?!? Stop making noise playing with your animals!!

There was no escaping her. I broke my nose in a car accident and my friends mom took me for surgery. She came running out of the house to complain to my friends mom about how she could have taken me but i didnt ask her and im so awful - right after my surgery. Cause like why dont you want someone whose constantly bitching at you and telling you how shit you are to take you to a stressful surgery?

Conditional love... i already knew that... but its like the first time ive used it myself and havent just attributed the description.

She was my step - great grandmother. Shes all i ever knew but we werent blood related.

She loved my grandfather and my aunt and even my aunts two kids - the way family loves. She was still a bitch but she didnt disown them when they bugged her

The rest of us. Including my mom. Conditional love. Its not like she never did nice things. But she did expecting something in return.

Maybe shes why i dont like dealing with people im not allowed to say no to. Like i have such a deep seeded hatred for that relationship that the second i sense it i just refuse to deal with it again. You couldnt say no to her. You couldnt. If you said no to her about ANYTHING pack your fucking bags and get the hell out of HER HOUSE. that was her favorite two words. She needed my moms and grandfathers help and asked them to move in. But. We were guests in HER HOUSE.

I had some trauma as a kid that I probably would have gotten over if the happy family i knew before we moved to my great grandmothers stayed that way. But my aunt was always miserable. My uncle ran away as fast as possible. And my mom. A people pleaser. You know those old traditions where a man marrys and then he fucks off and does whatever he wants leaving his wife to serve his parents hand and foot. That was my moms life. He cheated on her and the demon made fun of her for everything, apparently constantly telling “dumb poloc” jokes. My mom cleaned everyday and cooked and took care of everyone and took care of our farm basically alone. I tried to help... i was a kid... and she was depressed. You wouldn’t know if you didnt really listen - which no one else in my family did.

And i looked at my mom everyday. I didnt really get it. All i knew was she was a wonderful kind generous happy - all around best human. And yet. Her life sucked. And she was sad. And i wonder if my mom would have been so sad if not for the demon...

My grandfather loved his mom.... but he used to never come in the house. My whole life. He was always out. The moment she died, he was always in the house. Maybe because he missed her and was sad.... but... i dont think so.... he stopped drinking a case of beer every night too

This whole post just to say... im mad that if goven the chance... im not sure if id go back to any of those times where i had to live with the demon... even though everything else at those times were good... the amount of stress and misery she gave me... almost outweigh the good... and. There was alot of good. I miss so many things.

I wanna be with my mom again. Without the dementia. I wanna be with my animals. I wanna be with my friends. I want second chances. I wanna make changes.

I loved her dude...i used to wish good things on her... i beleived she truely cared about me...

When she was dying. She couldn’t talk. Her friend called. I offered to put the phone to her ear. The friend was dismayed when i aswered. The tone of her voice changed. And she went “oh. The granddaughter.” She asked to talk to the demon as though i was holding the phone away from her and like i just wanted to hear whatever secrets she may have and wouldnt actually put it to her ear. She hung up angerly... as though... i wasnt an upset family member... i got preoccupied by the pleading look in my greatgrandmothers eyes. She wanted me to put the phone to her ear... but the woman had already hung up. I told her she had to go but said shes thinking of her. She looked so disappointed that she couldn’t hear it herself. And i felt... still feel bad... for the dying woman in her last days...

But maybe if she hadnt constantly talked about me as though i was the worst person because i dared to live my life the same as my aunt with animals and friends. But then go off to college but take a server job when o couldnt find a better one. Talked about me like i tried to kill her myself and that i was so lazy and rude and terrible. Maybe. Her bitchy friend. Wouldnt have hung up upon even having to interact with me

And then. Even in death. She made sure that i knew my place. she wrote her obituary herself. She put my aunts kids who are 13+ years younger than me, ahead of me, when listing her great grandchildren.

[trulyaloneandilikeit]

february 15 2018

last night was valentines day, normal day until the night time. i went on my first sugar daddy date, ate a lot of sushi, and didnt fuck him. i felt gross after eating, ive been feeling that way again. i thought i was getting better but it only lasted less than a week, and now i feel like shit for gaining three pounds in that time. i had worked so hard to get down to 110, and then Clyde told me ‘no itll be fine, id like to see you at 120 again at least’ but like why??? i was finally skinnier than id been in years and happy about it. he was probably just jealous honestly.

since ive decided to stop this sillyeating thing again, ive thrown up three times. once last night after i got back from sushi, once this morning after breakfast, and once before a test today (i was really nervous, pretty sure i failed anyway). 

ive been spending more and more time by myself, so its getting weird to be around people for too long. i just sit and read and cry and play minesweeper on my phone most of the time. i have to go home this week for reading week though, so ill be forced to have conversations with my parents every single day. i dont even talk to anyone that much, and i just know theyll be upset with me for wanting to be alone.

i cant help it thouhg, people are scary. i can talk to strangers but only when its in a lineup where ill never see them again after 2 minutes, or if im serving them dinner at a restaurant or volunteering at a market or something.

how did i turn up this way? probably my parents fault, isnt it always the parents fault? i mean sure they screamed at me every day, denied my feelings, didnt allow me to jump let alone dance, speak in the car, beat me once or twice, but it wasnt abuse like in the movies or anything. the worst part in my mindwas being called all those names. mainly by my mother and sister, but also my dad sometimes. ‘this is why you have no friends’ ‘youre a fucking stupid failure’  ‘this is why you have no friends’ (again,they said that one a lot cause i never had any friends)

i dont know why ive never really had friends. even nowi cantkeep anyone around me for more than a few months before they retreat away from hurricane me. i never tried to be  abitch, never wanted to hurt anyone. they bullied me all through elementary, i think it was cause i liked reading and math, and did music rather than sports. looking back i was a cute kid though, and theyre usually left alone. i dont get it, ive been repulsive my entire life. 

i was really angry for a while, i still am but ive learned to turn it inwards rather than hurt anyone else in my fits. 

i wonder if ill everfind love. probably not, im 20 now, not ugly but not the prettiest girl either, it must be my personality that drives people off.

i always think that maybe if i lose a bit of weight, put on a bit of makeup, smile more, back straight, be bubbly and fake like my mother trained me to be,ill have friends. it doesbring some people in to me, but then when they realize imjust a sad lump of meat they fuck off to find someone else.

case in point; Clyde.

the first night we met was a party, we hit it off immedietly, were instantfriends, and then i was raped that night. Clyde came to me and comfortedme because i was alone, he was my first friend here. 3 months later he doesnt talk to me anymore, said im toxic and  that it only makes him sad to bearound me. i dont know how igot this way, i honestly just want to end it, i was at the end of arope again last week, but my door frame wasnt tall enough to hold me up, the rope too stretchy, i too heavy. 

pills dont work either, ive tried countless times throughout my life already, first attempt when i was 15 or 16, i forget now. theyve all blurred together. 

why am i shaking? fuck this is probably too long. 

no ones going to read thisanyway

[afmasters]

How I broke my true love

Hey Tumblr got a sad story for you. Keep in mind I am not at all a writer or ever aspired to be one. Everything that is said in here is true and I want to share with you my story to help make others aware because I definitely was not. The beginning: It was a hot July day. It was the summer right before my senior year. I was at warped tour with a buddy wearing a ridiculous t shirt to take pictures with random girls who thought it was funny. The wind blew a paper at my back legs so i had to twist to get it off of me. As i was twisting down i caught a glimpse of you. You were wearing your jean booty shorts with a white tank top sort of thing. I recognized you as the new girl in school from the previous year. I instantly smiled and told myself that one day you'll be mine. That right there is where it all started. It shouldn't have been my choice for you to be mine. It should've been a mutual decision but I was too selfish to care. Later on in that July day i found you at some sort of pizza place. I purposely rubbed against you so that way youd notice me but i still kept walking. You turned around and said "OMG hey christian." I turned around and say "Hey." Not going to lie i was nervous. I walked up and saw you had a piece of pizza and i asked how it was not noticing you hadn't taken a bite yet. You lied anyways and said its pretty good and i offered myself a bite as you responded with a smile and said sure. After that bite i said thank you and left. You had me hooked, but i also knew i had you hooked. Fast forward to the start of school: I hadn't talk to you since that day. I had seen you around town, like our local target/pick n save but never added you on facebook ever to talk or anything along those lines. First day of school we end up in the same home room together. We lock eyes and smile. Your perfect dark greens eyes were so irresistible. We did this everyday for almost 2 months, never said a work to each other. Just randomly locking eyes in home room, in the lunch room, and in the hallway. It was always accompanied by a smile which made it so much better. One day i was in a shitty mood. I had heard some jock, some douchebag that was not me had asked you to the fall dance. i remember looking at you and locking eyes and you smiled but i didn't. Later on in lunch that day, same thing, we locked eyes, you smiled but i didn't. You took it upon yourself to text a mutual friend to get ahold of me. Our mutual friend was communicating for us and we agreeed to meet in the hall the last hour of the day. I had class and you had a free block. I stepped out and the first thing you asked was "is everything okay?" From that moment i knew, i knew you cared for me, that after never really having a conversation you asked that, that you were a caring person. I replied "i guess. I heard "x" asked you to the fall dance." She replied "well yeah but i haven't really given him an answer and i'm waiting for someone else to ask me before i tell him anything." At that moment i knew she was talking about me. Fast forward a couple days i had asked her to the dance with chocolates and flowers because she's not one who wants anything flashy. We hangout everyday together before the dance. The day after the dance we hung out again. I leaned in for a kiss and got one back. This was not my first kiss but it was yours and i had no idea. Going to fast forward and give quick summaries of the next couple months for you so that way we can get into the title of this. Now we hungout almost everyday of senior year except family events or whatever. When i say everyday i mean literally almost everyday. I told you i loved you after 3 months in and you didnt reply. After 5 months on your 18th birthday you told me you loved me. We wrote love letters back in forth to stick in each others lockers throughout the day ( i still have a majority of them). We did a lot of stuff throughout the summer before college. We drank, we went out on dates, we watched a lot of rooster teeth. You were the perfect girl. Then College move in day came. We grabbed a lot of stuff from your room and put it in your dorm room. Even though your school was 15 minutes away from your house you still wanted to stay in the dorms to experience that college lifestyle. Seeing your empty room it set in. I was going to see you everyday, you were going to have friends who i didn't know, you might even make guy friends....Now that. That haunted me. You were mine, i couldnt let some hot college boy with mommy and daddy money ruin what i took months to establish. Once again i was selfish, i had forgotten about how i was your first kiss which led into a lot of first everything's. Your first week in college a guy from your physics class asked you to lunch. You told me, at the time i was going to a community college and working part time, so i saw that and instantly got upset. I yelled at you and said "why would you go to lunch with another guy? Don't you know his intentions?" Which you replied back "sorry i didn't know it would upset you. I will cancel lunch with him." I ruined what couldve been your first college friend other than your roommate. This is where the damaging started. I had issues being away from you. Even though you were 20 minutes away and probably swamped with college homework i still bothered you to hangout and sometimes you would. Sometimes I understood what why you couldnt hangout. Sometimes i called you a cheater and threaten to break up with you because i would do anything to see you. Well that worked. You would drop whatever youre doing and force yourself to skype or have me come pick you up. You did so much for me and all i didnt notice it because all i cared about was myself. Fast forward to October 31st 2014. It was our one year of dating. You had a shit ton of homework that night but still managed to get prettied up and go out to dinner. We got into an argument on how much the steaks were and how we couldve gone to a chain restaurant instead of a fancy restaurant and saved so much more money. I continued to argue with you to tell you it was the thought, not the price. We didnt even go to a movie after that. You came back to my house put in some sweats and fell asleep. I think this was the first time you were realizing that this is not a relationship was suppose to be. Fast forward 5 months we're still arguing and fighting almost everyday we're not together or skyping. This day was the release date of Fast 7. You had never seen any of the fast and furious' but you still wanted to go see this one because you knew how much Paul Walker meant to me. We were the first ones in line that day. We watched the movie, cried our eyes out at the end and all the way home. It was one time we had cried together. We stayed up that night talking about life and our future together. It then reached 6AM. My parents were leaving for work and we had the house. You leaned over and asked if i wanted to have sex. I would be taking your virginity. You were saving that for the person you were planned on marrying. I asked if you were sure. You said 100%. That morning i took your virginity. What came next i did not expect. You wanted to hangout everyday again. You didnt want to be in college anymore. You took the city bus to the closest stop by me everyday. Bringing me dinner every night because you had free meal swipes. Everything seemed great. Then i mistakenly started taking to other girls while we were still dating. I lied to your face and you believed me but knew i was lying and in your eyes i could see you were still hurt. The nights you stayed overnight at school you always made sure i was home alone and not with another female. This starting eating at you because you didn't know unless you were there. Well i never hung out with girls other than you but the whole talking thing was enough to damage you. You grew depressed and tried self harm. You later came over and told me what was going on and that our relationship of almost 2 years was over. Instead of waiting and supporting you. I left. I went and had sex with random girls and only drunk texted you. Sometimes id even vent to you about the girls j was having issues with. I could only imagine how much more that fucked you up. I didnt care though. I was selfish and blamed you for leaving when im sure once you got better and i realized how much of a dick i was to you, we couldve started our future together. Now when i text you, you ignore me and i dont blame you. Ive accepted that im a fuck up. Im sorry and i will always love you. Today marks the 1 year the last i heard from you. Forever and always