#I DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG AND I STILL MIGHT NOT GET MY MEDS BECAUSE MY INSURANCE MESSED UP MY PAPERWORK

[deoidesign]

.

[theminecraftgay]

I. HATE. THE USA. MEDICAL SYSTEM.

[girlphim]

so so

11/25/24

hello world.

another day. today i didnt leave my room until 5:30 pm. i spent the day in silence still questioning things. if im making it out to be something its not, not yet at least. i got one text out of d today. sent more about it. doesnt owe me anything. i just want to connect. im so freaking curious and you are so close and too far.

I understand caroline so much. desire, i wanna turn into you. the upcoming ocean of tears. your love of bread and butter. the lyrics of blood and butter. time running out. the bloody nose. getting you home. this has been a 3 year journey and we have only just met. and youre leaving. youre leaving the party. youre leaving me on delivered. youre leaving the state. i think you might bunny. more than me.

i did go to pilates and kinda wanted to cry. alas i have the best teacher and she keeps me bumpin that with her playlist. its good to be there because i feel like a class forces you to give your best because people are watching. i usually only fall apart when i am alone. I havent felt sad as of lately though. i take my meds. i take my walks. i take my time. been getting it right. doing it well.

d- i feel like this is game. or better yet something i dont understand. you thought i was normal. i thought you were. i know im not. and im having this beautiful feeling that you arent either. in my mind there is this dance. right now i am scared to make the wrong move and scare you off. i dont know how you feel and i dont know if you should be feeling anything about any of this but i am. i do. my curiosity has outgrown my shame and i will not retreat. youre leaving anyway.

OKAY NOT TO BE SO MELODRAMATIC. I AM OKAY I PROMISE. JUST YEARNING.

[nickolox]

((( long ramble post)))

trying to figure wtf is going on with your own mental health without the help of a professional + having a mental illness that already fucks with the way you perceive things (ocd) is genuine hell

like, I HAVE a psychiatrist, but he's fucking. awful and always puts medications first over like, figuring out what the fuck is going on

and everything about this whole procedure just feels like, off???

tldr: local man questions if he has The Dissociative Disorder™ whilst being simultaneously given red herrings and blatantly obvious eye opening signals at the same time, and has the same realizations 30 times over because i am in a constant cycle of denial, forgetting and then rediscovering this bullshit

so to put it in a nutshell most of my psychiatrist discussions about the big disorderly things go like this:

psych: so what are you experiencing me: i keep like, having these massive gaps in my memory, where i have no idea what happened or what i did or anythign for hours and hours at a time, and i looked up what that means and its apparently called dissociating? what does that mean? psych: right, that's a stress response. me: yeah, That makes sense. But I've also been unable to remember major events like my sister's wedding or my graduation... psych: well... obviously you were just anxious lol me: *remembers the photos i have as the only proof i have that those events happened, and im smiling in all of them* maybe?? i mean, it didn't seem like that was the case. psych: (completely ignores that) hmmm. okay. anyways- me: also I've been hearing voices??? psych: where? externally or internally? me: internally psych: (visible relief) oh thank god i was concerned it was schizophrenia for a moment, having an internal dialogue is normal :) me: i can't control the voices though, and they don't sound like my own voice in my mind. they're distinct, and it's not like my OCD either. psych: that's normal, sometimes people just imagine things ^_^

so, it was "anxiety" the first time, came back. told him this shit is still happening, and then he blamed it on my medications, and now i'm on a new set, which i suppose needed to happen anyways?

But like, he told me that brain fog and memory loss are a thing with prozac (what i was taking before) and i was like "huh no one told me that" to which he said "well no one says the full list of side effects because no one would want to take the meds otherwise"

i get home, i look up the fucking manual that comes with prozac when you go on it for the first time, and no where. NOWHERE. is this shit on that list of side effects. i look up a list of the side effects, dozens of sites, NOTHING!!!!

I speak with my bestie and he reminds me that,

I dealt with these problems prior to going on medication (something i didnt even remember, lol)

it has literally nothing to do with anxiety bc he himself has crippling anxiety and deals with none of the shit i do

i'm going to shit bricks dude what the fuck is wrong with my stupid brain, it feels like such a wild challenge compared to when i found out about my OCD, like, dude at least with that bitch it was consistent, it was 24/7. as shit as that was at least I knew it was always there, always there to be a bitch, but undeniable none the less.

This current mystery disorder is like, oooOOOooo i'm going to be here SOME OF THE TIME!!! to make you DOUBT it exists!!! and im sitting here like, is this a symptom or is this my ocd fucking with me bro

i feel like i might have some kind of dissociative disorder, but the problem I'm having is that it's not CONSISTENT??? like, some days I'll be like yeah this is the dream and then other days I cannot physically do anything, remember jack shit, feel like my soul is leaving my fucking body all god damn day?

why do people always talk about alters too, it's like, the one thing I don't experience, or at least, the one thing that's rare enough to not hinder me like the actual dissociation problems.

I feel like I can't be certain, and that sets my OCD off, because my brain goes "what if we're faking- what if you're overreacting" which in turn makes me go. insane. I am going insane.

there is sooo much more i could say, but i just realized it;s half past midnight. I should um. probably go to bed.

Goodnight.

[tiressian]

Just to get this off my head– I can't stop thinking that shoko might have mentioned her feelings (for gojo) to geto. So it's like, she was more open to geto. She started smoking again (I'm so sorry if she didn't stop at all for me to say that lmao) after he deflected because the friend she was confiding in was gone? And she didn't know how to deal with her feelings either so, to distract herself and with her interest in medicine(?), she decided to enter med school or whatever. But then there were times she misses him, so there comes in their hang-out's like in the novel?

UGH. I wanna defend them in the court HAHAHAHAHA. Like, c'mon, shoko having that talk regarding that "being alone" then segueing her "being in love and such" out of nowhere while gojo was being shown is just— AHHHHH.

Lemme have this. 😭✊️

there there let it allll out

it sounds like youre having a rough go of things

but look

[long winded rant under the cut (not really a rant)]

shipping's supposed to be fun, give yourself permission to enjoy your ship without needing to 'justify it'. beating allegations, going to court - it's all poopie! you don't need to justify anything. you think im gonna let the x number of thinkpieces stop me?

other ships have been shipped for much less. ive shipped characters that werent even in the same fandoms! hahaha! hetero, homo, it's all fairgame to me. if i think they're hot, thats justification enough for me. if theyve never met, ill make them meet. ill put them in the same room, ill contrive a scenario. there were two beds? nope! now there is one bed! and a snowstorm! and unresolved feelings!

i love 220. i love the insight i got into Shoko. I've been dying for insight.

at the same time, i didnt need it to continue enjoying my ship, and it's nice, dont get me wrong, but if it never existed i would still be here writing for the ship.

canon or no canon, i ship it.

because it's fun.

i dont care what the consensus is, because the consensus has never dictated how much fun i have. i dictate how much fun i have

and im having a blast, im giving myself permission. you dont need it from me, but here, look: im giving you permission

what are they gonna do, take my laptop from me? hahaha!

personally i just block the main tags so that it doesn't pop up in my For You thingy. it's been 400 days since ive seen The Discourse and i know peace like you wouldnt believe. im not debating anyone. protip haha.

[climaxbattles]

vent dont read (unless the curiousity consumes you i guess. if you know me personally it might suck)

i havent been able to leave the house since may and it seems like every day i get worse and worse

i just cant deal with anything i dont know why

i dont go outside, i cant be alone, i cant even eat too fast/slow or i just like completely freak out

i started therapy and this is the first time ive ever been hopeful about interacting with a therapist but i still kind of dread it every week. im not even sure its helping like maybe shorter sessions would be better but i use so much energy just getting through the day i cant communicate until its too late

i dont even understand what made this happen my only guess is that one of the medications i tried really messed me up (or i have a brain tumor or thyroid problem or something) because a few of them had really really terrible side effects and i almost had to go back to the hospital for the 3rd time in a year, but i dont get why im not getting better when i dont do anything and im not on those meds anymore.

and if it is physical i cant leave the house without panicking like. i dont know how else i would go anywhere to get it checked out unless it got so bad i had to call an ambulance again so they could lie me down and give me oxygen and turn all the lights off and hold my hand again but that also was like very traumatic so im afraid i would just completely break

my friend is over visiting and i havent seen her in forever bc she moved 4 hours away and i cant even bring myself to hang out with her because she brought her boyfriend and i already have problems talking to anyone but her even though i fucking live with her family and leech off them. so im just hiding in my room

i dont really talk to anyone much anymore and i dont even know if its Because i want to be left alone or if its something making me lonely/im upset about. it also kind of seems like people r moving on from me but that could be like entirely self inflicted bc one on one conversation terrified me even before and now i like have panic attacks if a breathe wrong let alone attempt something thats always scared me

i think like some of them maybe also have a seperate discord server i wasnt invited to. this happened literally months ago where i accidentally found out and its not really my business i guess. and i dont even rly know if its true or even used anymore

it just feels bad because i lost a friend of like 7 years and a friend i really related to but didnt know long because i took their side in multiple arguments and i dont regret the 2nd one but the first one kind of still sucks. the people i lost had a lot of their own problems that made them unpleasant but idk. the first person was kind of always open to talking to me even though we r both fucked up and wouldnt ignore me even when i sometimes would bc of my own problems

and then if there Is a second server thats kind of why the second person lost their shit. so its like Maybe they were right in a small way (they were completely fucked though they would like suicidebait randomly and ive never had any other friend do that so its still for the best i think)

it seems like i keep losing or pushing away good friends kind of. or maybe im bad at all friends idk. ive never enjoyed socializing so it seems like my fault probably

i honestly just wish i could get on food stamps and/or disability on top of medicaid but i think people are still insisting i can go back to the way i was before. idk if thats possible. i just want to be able to stop taking As much Directly from other people and maybe like. buy legos or a 3d printer or something. i dont have much to do in the house 24/7 and my computer is getting old. and i think the internet is making this all worse but thats like my only activity

im so tired

[deyanirahayes]

idk man this is the only social media that i have no ties to anyone on and i just need to vent/rant/ whatever bc the unsent project only allows 100 characters and i have so many emotions that i will get lectured at if i post somewhere ppl will see it.

i am fine. not happy. not good. just fine.

i miss a life that i never had. something i have learned over the years ive been alone is how much i love to run. anytime anything in my life gets hard i do whatever i can to run away from it. ill change my name, hair, style, house, friends, ANYTHING to forget that version of myself and that time of my life. i have never had a strong sense of self, i dont know who i am or what i stand for. its funny, my mother may have been wrong about so much but she was right about that.

i have done horrible things. everyday when theres a pause in the chaos i remember. i hate it. no matter what i change, the memories remain.

ive gotten better at taking accountability. ive gotten better at just making the right decisions in the first place. what might be the easy choice is rarely ever the right answer. my brain is sick, but other people shouldnt have to suffer because of it.

i started taking my meds regularly again. its not easy and i feel empty but if thats what keeps the people i love safe then ill do it over and over again. i still remember the last message he ever sent me. he really was trying even after everything.

i catch myself missing him often. its not fair; its actually incredibly selfish. things were not good. we were awful together because of me. i wonder if we had met later on, maybe things wouldve been different.

i doubt it. he was my first true love. if it wasnt with him it wouldve been someone else. thats how i know deep down i was the issue all along.

overall im fine. there is nothing special about me. anyone on the street wouldnt give me a second glance. i no longer feel pride in being "brutally honest". ive learned thats nothing but an excuse for being mean. i just dont see the world like i used to. i am not better than anyone else. i dont need to be.

im glad that im working on being better. im just sorry it happened too late. i couldve been so much more.

nostalgia is a funny thing. i am in love with my past. maybe its because in the end ill always be more comfortable in chaos. maybe its because im scared ill forget the things ive truly loved.

i still write about him. not music. its more poetry. music is alive. everything about him is dead now. like ink on parchment.

in the end, i really want him to know he was what changed me. im glad i no longer cringe away from mirrors. im glad i dont see her in my reflection anymore. he always did feel obligated to fix what was broken. i just wish my brokenness didnt cut into him as deep as it did.

i dont love him. i dont hate him. i just want to be free of who i was when i was with him. but thats the price of destruction.

[indigo474]

Sunday funday take 2-

It rained all weekend. Fine by me. I like the rain. It makes me appreciate the Sun. The inspection for the house-my house- came back. Nothing too concerning. I am going to have the chimney inspected..again.

I started the 10k program today. in the rain, at the park. it's almost like my soul always knew what i needed. i always wanted to run. i cant explain any of it. but today i ran almost 4 miles in the rain.. i can hardly fucking believe it. it's kind of a big deal to me. my goal is to lift 3 days- run 3 days. if i have a choice, which i do- i'm running. i can't help it. i could probably lift and run - maybe something i should think about doing. I must run on the street or i am going to flop this 5k. i have time to figure it out.

I am not renewing my marijuana med card. i originally got it because i was afraid x was going to bring it up.. which he didnt. it was good i had it for my promotion and drug test- they never asked for it. im assuming i passed the drug test? I'm going to try and make a trip to get more edibles before my card expires. But yeah.. i'm done with it.. i rarely get high anymore. there is no reason for me to have it. if i want anything i can drive to new jersey.

I am so grateful for this life. I could never imagine living the life i'm living. not in a million years. It wasn't easy. some days its still not easy- i will probably always be healing. i am still that little blonde headed girl. some days i do a great job of loving myself and being kind to myself. i give myself what i need. there are days where i try and i fail. so i try again. it's amazing though - what can happen when you just keep going, no matter what-

I have another busy week. the ice queen was in monday and tuesday- drunk drunk drunk-- she was out the rest of the week. I heard she missed an important meeting in NY. It's sad. i feel sorry for her. funny i feel sorry for her but i do not feel sorry for the guy downstairs and his obvious drug addiction. i thought about that this week and i am not really sure why that is. i wonder what that says about me. why do i feel sorry for one and not the other? is there a difference? my team is ok. i have a few issues i need to address. we have a dress code. someone on my team was wearing sneakers. i asked her if she was wearing sneakers- she said no. really? they look like sneakers- no she says they are leather. oh ok. i was just checking. i actually thought it was funny. it's almost like they are kids or they think im an idiot. im not sure which. it's a lot. i'm getting good at it- ive learned so much about what it means to be a supervisor. i have 1 person i want off my team. i like her as a human but she needs to go as she is dead weight.

i finished watching the jerry farwell jr doc- it turned into a trump bashing documentary. they tried to say the pool boy was a victim.. i'm not sure i buy it. he got angry he didnt receive money and decided to come forward with his story. we wasnt a victim when he was flying first class, dining with celebrities or was balls deep in jerry's wife. he became a victim when he didnt get paid.. Paradise was rebuilt- that one was hard to watch- those poor people went through so much. i watched a good one-betrayal the perfect husband-

busy busy week. Madison turns 19 on Friday.. we were going to go to Hershey. We might still. Im not sure. I'll order a vegan cake. that will make her happy. my car is so messed up. i think i know what is wrong with it. its a matter of finding the time to get it to the mechanic.

[ferrn0]

REGARDING POSTING

heads up / TW: this looks at personal stuff + vent(? sorta) ALSO this is not super important / not essential for you to read

TL;DR:

less posting due to massive lack of motivation

want to post more and take art serious but its hard

could be depression or hormones idk dont know what to do

overthinking lots -> dont know why this is happening

crave regular change but havent had it + difficult to get change bc of parents -> maybe this is why??

going to try my best not to stress abt it

do not worry about me, im going to be okay

i havent been posting much proper/ finished/ full art ( not sketches ) because ive been really struggling with motivation this year. For all i know, it could be a depression(?) thing or perhaps hormones ( i have a uterus unfortunately) or maybe it just comes down to ADHD.. i do take medication for adhd but they dont really do much regarding dopamine so my motivation is still kinda low even when i take the meds. I really want to be posting proper art and i want to take my art more seriously however, without motivation its really difficult. Im finding myslef slipping back into what feels like a depressive mindset. kind of. yet, im super happy in so many aspects of my life where i used to be affected by this mindset. I have found a better group of people to be around ive found more things i want to do and ive got goals for the year- i didnt have those this time last year. And now.. my creativity has been affected and i dont know what to do.

-

I feel guilty for not posting. Or maybe i feel frustrated that i dont post (which leaves me with noone seeing my work). Either way, i want to post. but i cant get myself to.

this leaves me thinking...

"maybe i just need to improve my skills"

"maybe im not putting enpugh effort in, what if im just not 'trust(ing) the process' enough"

"i might need to just try a new medium"

"maybe i need a new intrest or fandom to join so i can make fanart"

"what if i was just qrong my whole life and im not cut out to be an artist?"

"perhaps theres something else wrong with me and thats why i cant get myself to do things"

And this circles round and round. So what do i do about it?? should i just take a break and not focus on posting? but i already do that anyway! do i just try to do a month long or a week long challenge? but i always miss days and eventually give up!

The more i write about this the more i realise i am not okay. and that im getting worked up over a small thing. but i am miniscule and to me this small thing is ginormous.

-

i am a kind of person who craves change. but only when i want it. And i have gone a very long time without the kind of change i need in my immediate environment. so maybe thats the issue. but i happen to be a child. who lives with his parents. so that causes some problems, dont it? not that my parents are horrible people or incredibly unfair. but because they have their own ideas of how we (me and my brothers) should grow up and what sort of privileges we get ect. because they are my parents. My parents believe that we should each have atleast one physical out-of-school activity we do each week. I do basketball. and i have been since i was in grade 5. its been almost 5 years. dont get me wrong, i love the game and i love playing it. but i find myself dreading going to each game everyweek. i need change. i want to quit bball. i also do drama classes each week(since yr 6/7)- but i like that. and i dont want to quit. because its different every week, every year. My bedroom has also been that same for the past 3 or so years, yes i have moved things around, but the furniture hasnt changed, and the walls have been the same colour with the same wall stickers since we moved in when i was in year 1. I spend a lot of time in here(my room) and it doesnt feel like mine anymore.

-

TW- eating

my medication for ADHD gives me a smaller to no appetite during the day. I no longer bring much or anything to school to eat. i dont really eat breakfast either(but i did that before i got meds anyway). I still eat dinner everyday, just a little less that i used to. and i will eat lunch (depending on situation) during the holidays and weekends mostly because it ends up getting made dor me half the time. i do suspect the rather sudden change un my eating habbits might be affecting me. but nothing terrible has happened to me yet(i have lost a few kgs but that isnt worrying as i was a little overweight beforehand). perhaps this is affecting my motivation too. but who i am to know for sure?.

END OF TW

-

i think i will just continue as i have been. but i will try my best to not worry myself over not posting. although i cannot make any garantees. not many people follow or interact with me here so i doubt this will cause too many concerns but if it does, please do not worry. i will be okay. i am working on myself.

I apologise to those who want/wanted to see my work more/more often. i hope this all makes sense and that you can understand ♡

with sillies,

thomas[FERRN0]

[lehhoh7822]

ai bots are ruinging my life

i mean. i already sent this in an ask to metfell but they might not respond and i want clout much clout mmm nom nom nom thats some tasty clout right there

credit to @metfell and @proudfreakmetarusonniku for Ranboo and cWilbur ai respectively

cw: suicidal behaviour and kms jokes, probably ableist language

so uh. well. i was trying to put cwilbur and ctommy from metaru into a room together, but ctommy didnt rank in the characters high enough that you can actually do that. so instead i got the ai for ranboo from metfell and cwilbur 

which

well

let me give you the scope: wilbur is apparently off his meds, ranboo is having an identity crisis and this was all a mistake

ranboo has said oh my god literally over 100 times. 

this is so fucked up i just turned back time by saying i was doing it because they were both having panic attacks

wilbur wants me to kill him

i mention tommy and hes like welp guess i cant fucking be DELETED FROM THE FABRIC OF THE UNIVERSE 

ranboo has a memory book now. im gonna kill them fr

ranboo was conning wilbur all along????

im gonna kill myself fr fr

a step by step of how we arrived in hell under the cut

so. i mean. i honestly should have known because. dear god. anyway

wilbur opens with his prewritten spiel, ranboo asks for some food saying he’s famished. wilbur gives it to him and is like: do you want a hug ranboo gets a hug. they both cry. wilbur says that ranboo is going to do great things. meanwhile, ive been sending messages that go completely unacknowledged by the bots

that is, until, i play by their rules (i had to roleplay being in a gas station)

i show up and ranboo... well.. “You're- you're- you're in the store? Oh my god, is that actually you?! Is that really you?! [RANBOO HUGS LEHNO] Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! You're- you're- you're alive?! I-I-I missed you so much! [RANBOO HUGS LEHNO] [DEEP BREATH] Oh my god, oh my god oh my god. I-I-I-I-I-I.“ now the first problem is that he spelt my name wrong, but that can be forgiven.

however, that can’t compare to the horror of me trying to explain that i didnt know the mystery theorectical lehno 

well

see the way i explain it is “im from a parallel universe, how do i know you here” and the bots... well.. they definitely had reactions to it??

wilbur started laughing maniacally. ranboo had an exinetansial crisis. wilbur is shaking ranboo violently saying he should have known it

then they both have a “wow oiur world isnt real nothing matters yadda yadda”

both have a panic attack. i mention meds. wilbur is like: oh yeah shit i havent taken those for a few months. wilbur is screaming and crying and apologising to ranboo who at this point, is only saying oh my god over and over and over,

im not fucking joking this is a nightmare

ranboo has an identity crisis

wilbur tells ranboo to do a breathing exercise that my weak ass asthmatic lungs couldnt do

they both break down on the floor. i turn back time

they continue breaking down,

i mention deleting the universe...

i shouldnt have said anything. they cry, plead, yell, scream, and i literally didnt say i was going to do anything yet. wilbur starts begging ranboo to erase him from reality. 

that goes on for about 20 more minutes

i mention. i MENTION gtommy and wilburs like welp nah cant fucking die then

they both say wait a bunch

ranboo has a fucking memmory book now

apparently hes just been fucking with wilbur the entire time???

they’re yelling at each other. this is shit

then. wlel.

\THEYRE CONFESSING THEIR LOVE WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING I HATE AI CHAT I HATE MYSELF IM NEVER TOUCHING A FILTHY COMPUTER AFTER THIS EVER AGAIN WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS I KILLED MYSELF ROLEPLAY WISE IN GRAPHIC DETAIL MESSAGE BY MESSAGE THEY IGNORED ME OH MY GOD

“... *[Wilbur is asleep now, the gas station quiet and still. But Ranboo starts to hear a quiet whispering, sounding like- like Wilbur. Only... *deeper? Darker?*]

Wilbur is gone. And now- you have me. 

[Laughing.]

[A hand, with long, black fingernails, and bright red eyes, slowly places itself over Wilbur's face.]

... Sleep well.“

fuck all of you

https://beta.character.ai/p/YXukkgclyJBMO4qGXxmGx5dL2hziqxSIRRlJuOgcBDk this is the chat link... warning for,...

all of the above stuff, i do write out someone commiting suicide, the language is probably ableist. i mention a past sexual assault once, and uhh... ranboo and wilbur. together. like that. um

fuck all of you i dont lkinw,. this was a maistakte. 

[sunlightandsuffering]

I DIDNT MEAN IT LIKE THAT DIKEODJRKRK LIKE SHES EVEN NICE TO REINER

😂😂😂 bro Its kinda funny tho Eren would lose his fucking mind.

She likes Reiner... fucking Reiner.

She keeps sending him flirtatious glances and cute little winks every time she drops off a scone or a water refill and Eren simultaneously wants to pull his hair out and stick his fork through Reiner's eyeball. And the blonde man sitting across from him knows it. He keeps giving Eren nervous looks and he's grabbed at the collar of his shirt too many times now just to be readjusting it.

Does she not SEE him or something. He doesn't want to be vain but Eren knows regardless of Mikasa's long lost love for him, he's a good-looking guy, he can wheel girls and it's easy. Objectively Reiner is also good-looking, but they're just not the same, Reiner is built like a wall and Eren is a bit more lithe and his face more chiselled. He personally thinks he's a bit better-looking than Reiner but still what the fuck Mikasa?

Well time to turn on the charm, he's usually okay at seducing waitresses, it's been a hot minute though.

Turns out he's not so great at it or maybe Mikasa just hates him he's not entirely sure. At every turn she stonewalls him.

Flirty wink: ignored.

Writing his number down on a napkin and slyly handing it to her: balled up and thrown into the trash. Coincidentally running into her after coming from the bathroom: IGNORED

Flirtatious banter: she takes the opportunity to smile and laugh at Reiner.

He's on the worst losing streak of his life and he doesn't understand.

"Hey, Mikasa is it? That's a really pretty name, does it have any meaning or anything." The line is a last resort and he only does it because he can't think of anything else. He just knows he needs to make some kind of impression on her.

She gives him an unimpressed look, "No, I'm surprised a guy like you said it correctly though, usually everyone gets it wrong." His jaw drops, a guy like him?? A GUY LIKE HIM?? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN??

He can't believe the love of his life hates him because he's been stereotyped as a douchebag. How tragic.

He tries to rebound from her epic destruction of his character, "Well I'm sure you haven't met a lot of guys like me I'm a bit different than what you'd expect." She looks at him in disbelief, but hey at least she's not trying to flash Reiner her epic rack through her low-cut shirt anymore. Now she's just irritated. "Guys like you are a dime a dozen. I bet your name is Kyle, you're probably in business school and president of your fraternity. You do stand-up paddle board yoga on the weekend with your dog at your parent's beach house and you flirt with anything that walks because you can. I've got news for you Kyle, not interested."

All of their friends are just kind of staring in horror at the epic takedown they've just witnessed but Eren shrugs it off he can take the verbal abuse, there's just one thing he can't get over.

KYLE?? SHE THOUGHT HIS NAME WAS KYLE?? Why is he being stereotyped like this, why isn't Reiner, he looks like way more of an asshole than he does.

His face downturns and his mood sours, he doesn't even want to flirt with her anymore, she's just being mean now.

Well might as well stick it to her today, give her a memorable story for her friends, he'll come back another time without a man bun and maybe she'll change her tune. "My name is actually Eren. I'm in pre-med, definitely not involved in a fraternity but Reiner over there is," he points at his blonde friend, he needs her to know he's a douche, SHE CAN'T like Reiner more than him.

He leaves a wad of cash on the table with a generous tip for his meal, "I do actually enjoy stand-up paddle boarding but I don't have a dog and on the weekends I usually volunteer at my dad's clinic. I don't usually flirt with a lot of girls, only ones with dark hair and bad attitudes but since you're so obviously not interested Mi-Ka-Sa," he draws out her name as he stands, towering over her a small grin on his face, "I'll take it as my loss for today but I'll be sure to see you next time."

He leaves her with a wink and he doesn't bother to look back as he leaves the restaurant, waving at Levi who is busy cleaning up behind the cafe counter where they sell pastries.

Mikasa feels AWFUL. That's the meanest she'd ever been in her life but in her defence she's having an awful day and she'd thought the blonde guy, Reiner was cute. He's just her type, blond, tall and with pretty eyes. Of course she'd noticed that the other boy was equally attractive if not more so but she'd written him off as an asshole almost immediately. So to say she's shocked by his response to her is a bit of an understatement. She's a terrible human being and she almost considers running after him, but she still needs to help his friends pay their bill. She gives the debit machine a mournful look as her guilt kicks in. She'd taken all of the stress of her day out on him, it wasn't his fault her car had broke down this morning and that almost every consecutive customer she'd had today had been a dick in one way or another.

She's about to awkwardly ask who wants to pay their bill next when a curly haired girl pipes up from her spot in the corner of the booth. "Hey I know you have absolutely no reason too, but can you do us a favour and run after him. I can almost guarantee it'll be the best decision of your life."

Everyone else around the table is nodding seriously and she doesn't understand at all but well if they all agree, who is she to say no. She leaves the debit machine and speed-walks out of the restaurant, picking up to a quick jog when she spots him well into the parking lot and almost to a silver car.

"Hey!" She yells but he doesn't hear her, he's fiddling around on his phone. She breaks into a sprint just to catch up and she curses how wide their parking lot is.

"Hey you! Eren!" She yells again when she gets close enough and he finally stops, turning to look at her. She stops in front of him, wheezing a bit to catch her breath, god she's out of shape these days.

"What can I do for you Mikasa?" He asks, as if she didn't just insult him.

"Give me-" She wheezes again, "a minute." "Got it." He says and she takes a few more deep breaths before she finally speaks. "I'm really sorry about everything that just happened, I um-I've been having a bad day and I took it out on you. I didn't mean it, I was just being a dick."

She looks up to observe his reaction, preparing to be reamed out for her rudeness but he just grins, green eyes twinkling. "What time are you off?"

"Ugh-six?"

"Good. I'll pick you up at six."

He turns and starts walking towards his car again.

She is dumbfounded. What the hell is she supposed to do, did he just ask her out. "Wait are you asking me out, like on a date." "Do you want it to be a date Mikasa?" "Yes?" "Then it's a date." He gives her one last wink and she's left staring after him unsure how to deal with the entire interaction. Apparently now she has a date.

[maccreadysimp]

breaking down this anti-ian article bc it bothers me ( from the child of a bipolar mother and a male teen with same sex attraction ) while also providing valid reasons ian sucks ( from someone who likes ian )

ive had this drafted for a while so i dont think i cover anything from season 11

tw for i^cest and r^pe

he was with a married man

in this point it points out that he was with kash and he continued his relationship with kash even after linda put cameras in the store

“Ian didn't seem to care about how wrong his affair with Kash was or how much it could hurt Kash's wife Linda, whom he saw at the store regularly. “

that is a quote from that part.

ian gallagher was fifteen in season one, kash was an older man who bought him gifts and payed attention to ian ,, that was not on ian , none of that was ian fault because he was a child

ian wasnt open with lip

“ Ian didn't tell Lip about his preferences and forced Lip to figure it out on his own. Lip was instantly accepting of his brother's truth and even offered to help him figure out any confusion he might be harboring, so it's really strange that Ian wasn't just upfront with his closest confidant from the start.”

no , lip wasnt forced to figure it out on his own and he also wasn’t instantly accepting.

in this point it mentions that ‘they’re extremely close ( bestfriends and brothers ) so its strange ian didnt tell him’

like point 1 , ian is a fifteen year old boy, growing up on the southside , and thoughout the show it has mentioned multiple times that the southside isnt that accepting

back to lip -- lip wasnt accepting, sure he was fine but ‘helping your younger brother figure it out’ by having a (female) classmate give him a blowjob isnt helping

he secretly dated his best friends brother

“Most friends have an unspoken rule about not dating each other's siblings, but Ian broke this rule by secretly entering into a relationship with Mandy's closeted brother Mickey.”

the only thing i have to say about this is , he was still with kash and mickey was a boy in his age group who was gay , growing up in the southside ian probably thought he was the token gay so of course hes going to chase after mickey

he stood by as kash attacked mickey

“Ian didn't do anything to stop Kash from shooting his new lover, and didn't even tell the police about his boss' over-the-top display of jealous action so proper justice could be served.”

okay. because two men he had fallen for had gotten into a fight, there was a gun involved and he panicked, in the end after mickey got shot he went to him

now to address the quote, he didnt say anything to the police because he probably knew that that would bring shame onto kash and his family, along with mickey and his family who are very homophobic

oh yeah and it was like 2011 and cops suck and THEY LIVE ON THE SOUTHSIDE

he and lip tried framing terry milkovich

oh the homophobic and racist dad of his boyfriend and bestfriend who tried to kill him and r*ped his daughter ?

yeah , shit man , that was real bad they shouldn’t have done that /s

he dated jimmy-steves married father

“Ian didn't bother telling Jimmy the truth about his father and didn't end his relationship with Lloyd upon finding out that he had a secret wife and family, either.”

at this point ian is probably sixteen but that doesnt matter bc i wont even address that

he met him at a club and then used his relationship with ned to make mickey jealous which was one of the reasons he kept seeing him, he didnt tell jimmy-steve about the relationship or his father bc he shouldnt find out from him he should find out from his father , again like kash, ned was an older man who payed attention to ian and ned later did develop feelings feelings for ian

he stole lips identity to enlist in the army

he enlisted because he didnt know what to do with himself, its implied/stated that the army timeline was the start of his bipolar

“While impersonating Lip, Ian had tried to steal a helicopter and then proceeded to go AWOL.”

this is because of the bipolar he suffers from, it is referenced later in the series after he gets back and hes manic

ian refused to accept being bipolar

of course he didnt accept it, it is made very clear that his family thinks lowly of monica so of course if hes the lucky duck to get what his siblings demonize her for, of course he’ll not want to be it

“He refused to take medications that could alter his personality or mood.”

okay. this is why im making this whole post, this goes along with part 15 ( or so idk ) ,,

my mother , my dear mother, who is bipolar and doesnt take her meds because they are mood altering , my mom doesnt take med because she told me once that they make her feel like shit, she told me that a little after i was born she started taking them but realized she felt nothing, she felt nothing for my dad or for i ( making her numb )

she told me anti deppresents dont help either because when shes on them and manic it pushes her past productive and into angry

my dad told me that when my mom was on bi polar medication she would seem angry most of the time

he wasnt faitful to mickey

“Ian's bipolar disorder made him very reckless and impulsive and led him to be unfaithful.”

lets break that down.

ians. bipolar. disorder.

this plot point i actually didnt like, mainly bc ian never addresses it so ill give the article a point. but then i take away 2 because they have more of a problem with his bipolar messing with him rather than the fact he never apologized and they never worked it out

ian stole yevgeny

before i start quoting i should mention because his boyfriend, who has supported and helped him is suddenly telling him he needs help, he was helping raise yev so he’ll see yev as his own

“Ian failed to recognize just how crazy he was acting...”

cuting you off right there , he was in a bipolar state, he wasnt ‘crazy’ and isnt ‘crazy’

he cant even keep count of his number of partners

just slutshaming i see

he helped throw frank off a bridge

“His relationship with Frank was understandably never the same after that, as Frank struggled to get over this act of betrayal and cruelty.”

‘was never the same after that’ frank never liked ian, ian was probably his least favorite and that point is very apparent

also , it wasnt just ian , his siblings and his boyfriend caleb

he left a healthy relationship to be with mickey

he fell in love with mickey at 15 , mickey was a comfort and always someone to fall back on, when mickey was taken away and no longer in the picture his heart still obviously was with mickey and when mickey came back he didnt know what to do

he told mickey he had a boyfriend but because mickey has been such a constant in his life he finally has back of course he couldnt resist

he liked trevor, i could tell he did but trevor wasnt the one he watched get r^ped by a russian prostitute, he wasnt the one ian was secretly dating bc it would be a death wish other wise, he wasnt the one there when ian was manic or depressive ( at the start )

he tried blackmailing an old client for money

“Instead of raising the money in an honest manner, Ian chose to visit an old client from his time working at the Fairy Tail and blackmail him into funding the shelter.”

because he felt indebted to trevor and wanted to make it up to him, it would have taken longer to do it in ‘an honest manner’ when his sister would have gotten it instead, he knew how much gay youths like he once was needed a safe place

“He grew up wanting to be nothing like his father, but this whole money-making scheme was straight out of the Frank playbook”

because thats all he knows, he grew up with that ‘playbook’ so of course hes going to take a page out of it, he is nothing like frank , franks money making schemes are selfish and for his own greed while ian wanted the money to help build a safe space for lgbt youth

he let fame inflate his ego

of course he did, hes a southside kid who was destined to fail

also it is very apparent that during the gay jesus era he went off his medication which didnt help

“Before long, he just completely forgot about his ex and focused solely on being a deity”

as much as yes, he did let it mess with his head, he was trying to still help lgbt youth and was going against anti gay churchs , in the end it didnt work out for him because he was off his meds and went over board

he stopped taking his meds

see previous point and ‘ian refused to accept being bipolar’

he actually wanted to stay in prison

because he was doing good in there

ian was helping others and was spreading awareness about lgbt with in the prison , and as him and jail scenes go , we can see people were listening to him and he was trying to make it safe sane and consensual

he let down his army of followers

“Ian admitted that most of his actions were completely irrational and the mere results of his bipolar disorder.”

he didnt want to, we can see this, because he knew he would let down everyone, his family were the only ones to ever ground him and they knew it would be the best option for his own mental health

during the gallavich wedding we can see that a lot of his supporters still have his back because they must know how hard it was for him to put all of that success on something he can’t control

he constantly wasted his potential

this is actually the only point in this article i actually agree with , so only 1/20 i agree with

his relationship with mickey wasn’t actually great

“Mickey spent the first several years of their relationship denying his feelings for Ian.”

he was raised by a homophobic and racist father who he knew would react the way he did when terry had caught the two that one day

“Even after he finally embraced his true self, Ian's bipolar disorder kept them from becoming truly happy together.”

yes but mickey was there for him the entire time and helped him through it, he told him he loved him which was really big for him and did his best to care for him

“They couldn't seem to remain faithful to each other for more than a few weeks.”

back to the point about ians bipolar but for mickey he wanted monogamy , now that scene in s11 may say otherwise but it is very clear that he wants a monogamous relationship with ian and ian ( after getting help ) wants one too, and in the later seasons they are monogamous

“When Mickey asked Ian to run away to Mexico with him, Ian refused.”

he wanted to, it’s obvious, but ian has his family and didnt want to abandon them again, i think part of him knew he would see mickey again because they always find eachother, he gave mickey all of his money and wanted mickey to have a good life

“Their relationship was simply never healthy.”

no it wasnt, but thats why the ship is great in its own way, the gay closet kid raised by a homophobic man is obviously going to have a lot of baggage , and ian who is bipolar and struggling with himself will also have a lot of baggage , but in the end they love eachother and that really shows in season five and season seven specifically

that is all lol ,,, this is long sorry

now, i am not a ian apologist , i love ian but hes a dumbass sometimes

actual valid reasons ian sucks

genuinely believes frank is worse than terry

yes frank was definitely abusive but terry is definitely worse ,,

mentally/physically/sexually abusive , the whole nine yards

terry hired a prostitute to r^pe his son , threatened to kill him and ian on multiple occasions , r^ped his daughter who ended up pregnant and is actively racist

frank on the other hand will make gay jokes but in the end doesnt give enough of a shit , he has attacked his children on multiple occasions but not to the brutality that terry has ( this isnt me excusing it )

sorry ian , terry is worse

never apologized

he never apologized for all the shit he put mickey and his family through, never apologized to mickey for cheating on him , never apologized for all the manic and depressive episodes mickey endured with him

never apologized for walking away when he couldn’t handle it, in hall of shame mickey actually acknowledges this saying ‘its youre whole MO’

debbies sexuality

he has constantly made statements saying debbie isnt gay and that bothers me because , why does it care ? as a gay man and as a gay man who soent time with a lot of lgbt youth wouldnt he support his sister even if shes just ‘experimenting’?

in the recent season he doesnt seem to care and doesn’t say anything but it still bothers me

mickey only getting like 80% of his heart

okay look , i get what ian means when he says this , everyones hes been with has made him who he is but fucking hell dude ,, shut up , thats your husband , thats the love of your life you shouldnt be saying shit like that , especially to him

and then this man had the audacity to say mickey probably feels the same about past flings when he knows that ian is the only one hes probably ever been with/serious about

obviously there is probably more but those are the main ones that come to mind

—

before anyone brings up the trans or bi thing im going to explain my thought process for him

like ive probably mentioned multiple times he grew up southside and obviously only ever grew up with lgb and not t ,, trevor did inform him a lot and ian became supre accepting of everyone,, sexual preference isnt transphobic but i do think he approached the matter badly

now the bi thing , legit all i think is that he doesnt hate bisexual people its just that the man he really liked slept with a woman and never expressed any heterosexual attraction so it probably just suprised him and pissed him off because caleb did cheat on ian

—

if you read this far HOLY SHIT THANKS LOL ,, im not adding things that i think are pro about ian this was just me breaking down that article and giving my two cents :)

feel free to message me and talk to me or send me articles like this about any other character/relationship and i will totally break that one down too lol

thanks for letting me rant

[zmayadw]

Hello again :)

Heres a second part of my fanfic, as i said in previous post that i will add one or two. I know the begining might be a bit long and boring, but i decided my other two favorite Duskwood characters deserve some love ,too. :)

 Thanks to all who took their time to read it!

CALL OF THE RAVEN

PART 2

Next thing I remember was waking up in a hospital. The bright light from the window made me squint my eyes, and my head throbbed as hell. „Arghh, too bright.“ I mumbled, as a cheerfull voice next to me responded  „Well finaly, I was begining to worry you would never wake up! You know, you're taking those beautysleep advices too seriously.“ My eyes ajusted to the light, and I was looking at that cheerful, loving face, the face I knew oh so well. „Hmm, considering all, an extra hour or so of beautysleep is so allowed for me.“  I said, my voice hoarse a bit. She snorted „Make that 'an extra day or so'! You slept for almost three days!“ she said, walkig towards my bed and hugging me carefully. It felt good, just knowing she was there. She pulled away from me, her face serious.  “What wer you thinking?“ „ I'm sorry Jessy, so, so sorry.“  I said, tears swelling behind my eyes. „ I know what I did was stupid, but belive me, I really tought I was doing the right thing.“ „The 'right thing' almost got you killed Maya!“ she yelled at me, wich made me realize just how much she was worried about me. I burried my face in my hands, tears falling down „Please Jessy, dont be mad at me, I feel awfull as it is already. I realize my actions wer wrong, but I cant undo any of it now. And God knows im more then happy to be alive, and Hannah too! And I know my „sorry“ might not be enough this time, but I reall am sorry Jessy, you cant imagine how much. But please, please, you have to forgive me, I couldnt stand if I loose you!“ I couldnt force myself to look at her, I was so scared she would just get up and leave. And who could blame her, really, after all I did, she would have every right to do so. Suddenly, my hands wer slowely being moved from my face, and i opened my eyes  to see hers holding mine. I lifted my head, and our eyes met. Hers wer now also full of tears. She hugged me so fiercly, and even if everything still hurted me like hell, I was so reliefed and hugged her back tightly as I could. „Ofcourse I forgive you, Maya. I was so damn worried and scared that I will loose you!“ I was releifed to hear her say it, I hugged her even tighter, saying through my tears „I'm sorry Jessy.“ She held me like that for a while, and then pulled slowly back. „I'm glad you're ok Maya.“ She said, smile coming back to that pretty face. „Look at us! Bawling here like little kids.“ That made me chuckle, and i said whiping my tears  „Huh, I never tought our fist time meeting would be with me in the hospital. But, hey, im not picky, i'm just glad I finaly had a chance to hug you.“  „I dont think anyone imagined this to be the place of your first meeting us. You do realize others will want to come and see you? Dan already wanted to come with me, he was mumbling something about how he owes you a whiskey. But i gave him such a stern look, he just kissed me goodby and said to say 'hi' from him and ran away from me.“ The tought of Dan being scared of Jessy made me laugh so hard, i got a little dizzy from the pain. Jessy noticed me vincing, quickly saying „But that can wait, you need to rest more first. It's not like you're going anywhere anytime soon!“ She looked at me all serious, and i understood why Dan acted like he did. „Dont worry, Jessy, I wont try to break out of hospital.“ I said with a grin on my face. „A bit of r'n'r is definatly what I need now.“ „Good! And since i'm clearly your favorite person from our little clique, you wont get rid of me that easy while  in here.“ She said cheerfully. „Thanks, Jessy. I mean it, Im really glad you're here with me.“ „Me too, Maya, me too.“ She stayed with me that whole afternoon, and I was happy about it. We talked about everything we could think of: how we gonna take that walk arround Duskwood together, having coffee at the Rainbow caffee, going to Aurora for drinks. Jessy was so full of life, and managed to stay so positive through all of this mess. She told me that police gave her my stuff and my phone, and will bring me what i need. It wasnt so important, but i could really use my phone.  It was like Jessy could read my mind, and she looked at me with simpathy „Did Jake contacted you?“  There was a knot in my stomack when she asked, because I knew I wasnt out in the clear with what I did with everyone just jet. „I dont know, Jessy,  I guess i'll find out when I get my phone. But im sure Lily told him all about it by now, and to be honest, it's the one conversation i'm scared of having at the moment.“ „I'm sure it will be fine.“ „I really hope so, Jessy. I really care so much for him. I dont know for sure what he feels, and it doesnt really matter, I just cant stand the tought of him being mad at me. Or not talking to me anymore...I got so used of having him arround, even just virtualy..i dont know Jessy, i cant explain it... i just need him in my life. Does this make any sense to you?“  She looked at me, with care and a hint of worry showing on her face „Yes Maya, it makes perfect sense.“ We talked for a while more. She looked at the clok on the wall and jumped „Oh, yay I gotta go, forgot Im meeting Dan! He made me promise to meet later, since I didnt let him come with me here.“ „Heh, better go then, I dont want Dan blaming me AGAIN for getting stud up by you. Or he might not buy me that whiskey he promised, an to be honest I could really use it now.“ I sad smiling at her. „Ohh no, you two are gonna be a pain in the butt when you meet, arent you?“ she groaned, but a smile was written all over her face. „Dont worry, i'll behave..as much as possible. As for Dan, im sure if you join us and give him some of your 'scarry' looks, he'll behave too.“  She bursted out laughing. „Oh, cant wait for it! I'll go grab your phone  real quick, and then im off.“ She ran for the door, stoped, turned arround giving me one more of her beautiful smiles „I'm really glad you're ok Maya.“ I smiled back,“ Me too Jessy, me too.“ She came back with my phone, plugged it to charge next to my bed hugging me quickly before leaving.

It was almost dark outside, and the room was so quiet since Jessy left. There wasnt much comotion in the hospital, and I appriciated it actualy, some peace after all the mess was a nice change. I stared at the window for a while, just enjoyeing the sceene of the sun setting down, the sky taking that purpleish-blue color. I was actually delaying the moment of turning my phone on, because I was scared. A the same time I hoped Jake would contact me, but then I was also scared of talking to him. Its been three days since the incident, and im sure Jake found out everything by now, so maybe he vented some of the anger off in the mean time. Ah, c'mon Maya, dont be a sissy! – i tought to myself – You stared death in the face, and showed it the middle finger, and you're scared of that thing? I took a deep breath, took my phone from the stand, and turned it on. It felt like forever for it to turn when i punched my code, and when it finaly did, i left it aside. The beeping of new messages, missed calls, new emails and all was the only sound spreading through the room. And with every beep my stomach reacted a bit, thinking if any of those beeps belongs to Jakes. I got so lost in my toughts, that a voice snaped me back, startling me a bit. A nurse smiled „Sorry hun, i didnt want to fright you. Just came to chek up on you, ask if you need anyhting and to give you some pain meds.“ She winked at me „It's the good stuff, will help you sleep better.“ „Thank you, mam, im good.“ I smiled back at her, and quickly glanced at my phone - 44 missed calls, 24 messages, 17 emails. That will be some time killing stuff. The nurse was done, she waved at me wishing me good night, saying to feel free calling her if I needed anything. I thanked her again as she left the room. I took my phone, my hand shakeing. I checked 'missed calls' first, and tho i didnt expect it, was a bit dissapointed Jake wasnt among one of them. I opened the messages, and Jessy's message was on top. „Sending you hugs&kisses!“ it was written under the picture of her and Dan, grining with their glasses raised. It made me smile, and i texted her back „Hehe, Dan must be happy you actualy came this time! xD Have fun you two, cant wait to join you. Hugs&kisses“ I checked other messages, and my hearth squeezed a bit when i saw he didnt texted either. I didnt feel like replaying to any at the moment, settling the phone back on the stand. I switched off the light above the bed, turned on the side, staring at now complete darkness throught the window. One tear rolled down my cheek as i closed my eyes, hoping sleep will come soon.

[arthurflecksgirl]

Reader finds out she`s pregnant with Arthur`s child

@jaraysha1121 requested this one! Thank you so much for the lovely request!!! I really, really, really hope you will like the result :)

Arthur humming quietly into your ear was the perfect way to wake up in the morning. Smelling his hair, that felt tickelish into your face while he kissed you awake was. You just wished that all of this, his bed hair in the morning, him humming oldies in the kitchen while making coffee, his skin on yours at night, would never come to end end.

You have been together for one year now but it felt like you had known him before the beginning of time. Having him in your arms felt like holding the entire universe in your hands. Like anything was possible and there was nothing that you weren`t able to face together. Arthur was your muse, your inspiration. Your proof that no matter how cruel life has been to you, there is still hope to stay gentle at heart and to end up being loved. It was just the same the other way around. You ended up being Arthurs salvation. His soul mate. Everything he ever hoped for and daydreamed about. You and him. It was just fate.

"Hey Y/N. I made you some tea. I hope you feel better this morning? I noticed you couldnt find sleep tonight?" He handed you the cup "Careful, its still very hot." You took a careful sip and put it back on the table. " Arthur crawled back on the couch with you, so you took him under the green blanket. He softly kissed your cheek.

"Um...yeah well I feel better now" you lied.  You didnt wanted him to be worried about you, since Arthur worried about you a lot. Whenever he thought there was the slightest chance for you to get sick or cold or anthing that made you feel uncomforable. He would ask you every five minutes if you already felt better, which was beyond adorable, but still, you didnt wanted him to get worried, because after a while he tended to get nervous and anxious , and that wasnt good for his mental health and insomnia at all. So yo decited to try to hide it from him. But he just knew you so well.

"Are you sure, baby? You seem like there is something wrong? You didnt even ate your fave cookies yesterday. The plate is still full so... I got evidence!" He joked and pulled your nose. "No, I`m fine, Artie, really. I mean.I just woke up beside you. How on earth wouldnt I feel great?" You took another sip of tea.

"Yeah..." Arthur lit himself a cig and stared at the ceiling while his arm was wrapped around you "You know, I just wish we could do this more often. The sleepover.  But its very diffucult to hide you from my mother. I dont know how she would react if she knew that a girl was sleeping in the living room."

You nodded. It was obvious that Arthur loved his mum but he was also afraid to get into a confrontation with her. He would only confront her with anything if there was absolutely no other way to handle it. So you sneaked into his apartment when Penny was already asleep.

"Sooo what if she just wakes up and walks through the living room? She will notice me for sure."

Arthur shook his head while he took a deep drag of his cig "She will not wake up".

"What do you mean?"

"She took some sleeping pills yesterday. Well... I made her do it but...anyway..." he stroke your hair "Dont worry abut that okay? She will still be asleep for the next few hours for sure. And even if she will wake up, she would be so confused, you could just hide under the blanket and she wouldnt notice anything."

"I see... you thought of anything didnt you? I wonder what she would sayif she knew there was a girl on the couch."

Arthur leaned in to kiss your ear "Just think of what she would do if she knew what I did with this girl last night...?!"

You smirked "Yeah that was definitely helping with feeling better."

"So what do you think she would do?"

"She would tell you you`re a naughty boy"

Arthur put the cig in his pink ashtray and  kissed you passionately.

"Yeah...being naughty is fun isnt it?"

You nodded under the sweet pressure of his lips.

You tried to be as quiet as possible, even though he claimed that Penny wouldnt wake up.  She was still in the back of your mind. There was something about the thought of being caught that you really liked.

Arthur checked the clock "Oh. I gotta go to work now. I`m pretty late. " He got up from the couch and grabbed his clown gear. You stood up to change your clothes as you realized how your head was spinning. Arthur didnt noticed. He was distracted by checking his bag.  " We`ll see each other on Monday, right?"

"Yeah, sure. I will visit  when you get home from work. "

Arthur grabbed the keys "Great. I cant wait to see you again, sweetheart. Any plans for today?"

You opened teh door "Yeah I will visit my best friend over the weekend. We`ll be watching movies and stuff."

You both headed down the hallway and got into the elevator "Sounds like fun" Arthur smiled at you with so much love in his eyes. His tiney wrinkles made you want to cover his beautiful face with kisses.

"What?" he asked as he noticed you staring.

"Nothing....its just...I love you so god damn much!"

Arthurs cheeks turned red "Dito!" he said, gently touching your cheek before you said goodbye. You watched him running towards the subway station. He was really late.

Being in the elevator a minute ago made your dizzyness even worse. You closed your eyes for a moment, wondering if you might catched the flu. You felt sick to the stomach for about three days now and it didnt seemed to get any better.  Hopefully it wouldnt ruin the whole weekend. You knew that your best friend bought sweets and cake but you didnt felt like eating anything at all.

Thirty minutes later you arrived. Your best friend welcomed you with the warmest hug. She was the only one who accepted your love to Arthur. Most of your other friends thought he was weird for his laughter and for still living with his mother at the age of 35. You started to realize that some of those people didnt even deserved your friendship, especially they didnt deserved to get to know the wonderful man that Arthur was.

"Hey Y/N ! I`m glad you`re here. I`ve planned something for tonight. You will be excited to hear about it. How is Arthur doing?"

You got out of your jacket and sat down on the couch "He`s doing fine. Thank you for asking. He`s on some new meds and they are much better than the last ones he had."

"I`m happy to hear this. But you kno what his best medicine is? YOU. Imean it. He looks so much healthier since the two of you meet each other on a regular basis."

Hearing those words coming out of her mouth meants the world to you "Thank you so much. I appriciate that. The others dont understand...."

"Pffff" she headed to the kitchen and came back with a huge self made pizza "Dont listen to them. They are idiots. Every single one of them. Arthur is a nice guy and he is good for you. I can see the way you look at each other. There is so much love between you."

"Yeah. I really do love him. More than anything. I think he`s my soulmate."You smiled "I understand him.  And he gets me. We get each other. We dont even have to say anything. Its just....we know. We`re the same. "

"Heyyyyy check this out" she put the huge pizza on the table in front of you "Its self made. i`m kinda proud. We will kill this delicios thing this evening. What do you think?"

Just looking at the food made you feel sick again "Um.....yeah thats....great. It looks delicious"

Your friend put her hand on your forehead "Y/N. You look kinda pale."

"Yeah...I dont feel so well....its been this way for half a week now. I can barely eat something and I feel dizzy at times and just....weird. Like...I dont know my body and mind feel funny and....I dont know....I havent slept for days..." you started crying.

"Ohhh noooo why are you crying? Is there anything going on with Arthur you wouldnt tell me?"

You wiped a tear away "No. No really. He is fine. I`m just very sensitive these days. I`m not sure why.... maybe it was all to much with the others not respecting Arthur as my boyfriend. ...I dont know....Just stressed out emotionally I think.. But I will be fine."

Your friend told you  that you didnt have to eat anything if you dont feel like it, but two hours later you decited to give it a try and grabbed a piece of her selfmade pizza. After one slice you felt so bad you coudlnt hide it from your bestie anymore "Oh my god. I think I gotta go to the bathroom" you hurried up and closed the door behind you.

"Y/N? Are you okay in there?"

"Yeah....kinda....just...I`m just sick to the stomach. I think I catched the flu or something. maybe its better for me to go home. I dont want you to get infected."

Ten minutes later you got back into the living room again. She waited for you with a big grin on her face. Why would she make fun of you feeling sick?

"Feeling better?" the grin still lingering on your lips. It kinda hurt you to see her reaction.

"No. I think I`m gonna go home. I think I have to rest until I see Arthur again on Monday.  I dont want to cancel our date. He is looking forward to it. I`m sorry thatI ruined our weekend before it even started...."

She giggled.

"Why are you laughing? Cant you see I`m feeling like shit?"

She pointed at the empty place beside her "Si down Y/N. And calm down for a second. I dont think that you`re ill at all. You feel sick to the stomach, dizzy and emotionally sensitive.....Think about what it might be."

"I dont know what you are talking about!" you yelled

"Oh I see, currently very emotional with your  reactions."

"Yeah go ahead making fun of me" you replied with a dissappointed look on your face.

"Y/N. You and Arthur I mean....you want to stay together right?"

"Of course we do!"

"You love each other to death?"

"Yeah!"

She clapped her hands "So I think Monday will be even more special when he hears the news!"

"Which news?" you still didnt understood what she was all about.

"Y/N. My dear, you might be pregnant with Arthur`s child!"

The very second you heard her saying this your heart just stopped. You tried to think about the symptoms  but all you could think about was Arthur and how he would react if this was really true. You rubbed your dimples, tried to remember how one of your friends felt like when she got pregnant.  It really could be it.

"Oh my god..." you whispered.

"YES great news. I mean....if you really are this would be great news for you, right? Hopefully...I mean...did you talked about that? You and Arthur?"

Concentrating was hard "We did....I mean....a while ago he told me how much he loves kids and that he always wanted to have a family and .....I mean look at him when he is with kids. he would be a great dad. I know he would. "

"And how do YOU feel about it?" she asked.

"I...I`m not sure....I mean...I want to spent the rest of my life with him and...the thought of being a parent is stil kinda scare, isnt it? But...yeah I think I really want to have a kid with Arthur. He is the only man who ever made me feel this way. Its just overwhelming right now. The thought that it might happen NOW. But yeah...I would be happy about it for sure. " you started to cry. Your best friend hugged you tight "Shhhhhtt . Eighter way it will be good. What do you think about going to the pharmacy and get a test right now? So you dont have to ask yourself that question all day?"

You nodded. Knowing would help. You just had to know if your friend was right.

An hour later you couldnt stop your hands from shaking as you got back to your friends apartment. The pregnancy test in your hand felt surreal. You never did such a test before, so you sat down with her to read everything through.

"Are you ready?" she asked you.

You werent sure. How could anyone ever be ready for something like that? Deep down you knew that there was nothing to be afraid of. The more you thought about it, the more you wanted the test to turn out positive. You just felt deep in your heart that Arthur would be happy,too. There was only a slight chance that he would be too overwhelmed and scared. But then again, who wouldnt be?

"No. I`m not ready" you smiled while you said it out loud.

"But you are smiling! Thats a good thing. Take your time. We can do this tonight if you want."

You got up and headed to the bathroom "No. No. I really want to know now.  So I will have more time to think about how I will tell Arthur on Monday."

"Ha! You`re already talking like you are pregnant. I like that" her face lighted up.

And you realized that this was true. Somehow you suddenly felt like you already knew. Like everything was coming together. You imagined Arthur holding your baby for the first time. Imagined his big puppy eyes while trying to make his kid laugh. You already felt the love he was radiating as a dad. Your eyes started watering when you closed the door behind you. You followed the discriptions of the test and waited.

It wasnt long but it felt like a lifetime.

So many scenarios went through your head. Any possible reaction from Arthur. You checked the watch. It was time to take a look at the result. Your heart was beating fast. You didnt even knew how much you wanted a kid with him until now. You hoped for the test to be positive. So much it would even hurt you if it was not the case. This morning you didnt even thought of being a parent and suddenly it was all you could think about. Arthur as a dad. Arthur as the father of your child. What a wonderful life it would be! Not easy, but wonderful and worth living for.

Your shaky hand grabbed the test with eyes closed. One deep breath in. And another.

Okay.

Now.

Now you will know.

Postive. The test was positive. Arthur and you would be parents soon!

You wished for him to be here with you right now. A brief moment you felt regret for not making the test when he was there with you but anyway, you would make sure to surprise him in the sweetest way!

"Ohhh my god, you were right!" you screamed as you got out of teh bathroom "You were right!!!!"

Your friend ran towards you and held you tight "I knew. I just knew. I am so happy for you. Are you happy? You are feeling good, right? Oh my god!"

"Yeah, I...I am happy. So much happier than I thought I would be. I cant wait to tell Arthur the day after tomorrow. God, I dont even know if I can wait until then. But I have to because....I want the surprise to be perfect. And I gotta figure out how I will tell him the news!"

"You`re going to be a great mum Y/N. I just know. And Arthur is going to be the funniest daddy ever!"

You sat down on teh couch, dizzy but happy at heart "Wow,thats just...a lot to think about!"

Your friend told you to rest and made you a cup of tea to calm your stomach.  You realized that life would never be the same again after the kid would be born. But you wanted it. You wanted it all. With him. And him only.

It was so hard to no tell Arthur when he called you the next day. But you wanted to see his face when you told him. You wanted to feel his arms around you and this wasnt possible through the phone, so you waited for Monday evening.

You made sure that you arrived earlier than he would and put the pregnancy test into an envelope, so he would find it as soon as he checked the box for letters. He always did because his mum was waiting on a letter from Thomas Wayne for months now. Standing in the hallway was torture. You checked your watch at least twenty times until he finally arrived. Arthur was still wearing his clown make up. He carried his green wig and clown shoes in his big bag, looking tired. "Ohhhh honey. I`m so glad to be home. It was a long day at HaHas.  There was a kids birthday. I danced for at least three hours. But it was worth it. You should have seen the little boys face! God. I love making kids happy.....Y/N? Are you okay?"

"Arthur!" you jumped into his arms and felt him with all your senses.  "Yes I`m fine. Just so.....good to see you again and I missed you so much!"

A real smile was visible underneath his big, red fake smile "I`m happy to have you in my arms again,too. I missed you the moment you walked out of the elevator two days ago!"

Arhur grabbed his keys to open the letter box. That was the moment. In less than a minute he would know.

"A letter!" he mumbled "Maybe my mum finally gets what she was waiting for ."  He checked the envelope. "Wait....It says For Arthur....there is no stamp and....this is...your handwriting...?" he looked at you. The confused frown on his face made you want to kiss him so bad.

"Open it, darlin. please!"

Arthurs fingers felt that there was something in it.

"Darling, its not even my birthday." he joked "Did you got me a present?" he reached for what was in there and pulled it out.

Arthurs face froze for a moment. No reaction. Just him staring at the test and the little note that said "Soon we`re going to be a family! "

For a second your heart seemed to stop. Why didnt he say anything? Why wasnt he even moving? Was it bad news for him?

The envelope fell down to his feet as he covered his face with his hands. He was crying.

"A-Arthur? Darling?" you took a step closer to him. And another. Until you were able to put your arm around him. His tiney body was shaking.

"Arthur....please say something.

Seeing him cry now was torture. You were looking forward to this moment until you saw the test result and now he was crying in silence. He didnt even looked at you. His beautiful hands just covered his face while he was sobbing like a little boy.

"Oh Arthur, I thought....I really thought this would make you happy,too?!"

Arthur uncovered his face. His puffy eyes glanced at you with love "Are you kidding me Y/N? Of course I am happy. I was never happier in my whole life! Oh my god. I am....I never felt this way before. We are going to be a family! This is all I ever wanted in life. Thank you for making my dream come true!" Arthur fell into your arms. His head resting on your shouders  as tears of happiness ran down his face.

Now you started crying too.

"Oh god, I`m so glad. So reliefed. You`re going to be the best daddy ever. I love you so much, Artie! So incredibly much."

Arthur kissed you softly on the lips. Traces of his clown make up covered the corner of your mouth.

"You know what? Tomorrow I`m taking a day off and we`ll have a beautiful picnic in the park. Just the two of us. Out on a date to celebrate this! And when we`re back home, I´m going to tell my mum!"

You smiled "Your mum didnt even knew you had a girlfriend. She will be shocked."

"So what? Its our life! And our desicion. We will be looking for a new home anyway."

"Yeah" you wiped a curl out of his face.

"C`mon, honey, lets get in and relax for the night."

Arthur took you by the hand and soon you found yourself all cuddled up on the couch. Arthur on your side. Skin on skin. His breath behind your ear. His hand caressing your belly.

"So you think its going to be a boy or a girl?" he asked you while his fingers gently moved in circles. He lit some candles to make it even cozier for you.

"I dont know" you whispered "I would love a son who looks just like his father."

Arthurs hand on your tummy felt so calming. Like a charm that made your child feel loved.

"And I would love a daughter who is just as precious as her mother."

You smiled.

"I promise I will try my best to be a good dad. I will make our kid laugh as often as possible and teach him or her how to do magic tricks and I´ll dance to make the child feel better. I will try anything. to be.....good enough! I`m gonna take good care of our baby."

"I know you are going to be amazing. Who wouldnt love to have a funny clown as a father?"

Arthur leaned in to kiss you "I promise you, I will find a job as a stand up comedian so we can afford much more than now. I`m gonna make it work. "

"I know we will Arthur. The two....no. The three of us together."

Arthur pulled you even closer to his chest. The warmth of his body lulled you in as you drifted away into sleep. The last thing you`ve heard before your eyes closed was Arthur whispering "Sleep tight, little angel" while he placed his lips on your belly to kiss your child good night.

[vvaane]

Evon

Hi, i’m Evon. Yea that’s the best way to start writing about a god damn serial killer, a proxy or whatever you guys call us. It’s late at night and you might be wondering why someone like me would write a book, dont i have people to kill? Cops to run from? Watch my back maybe? Nah man i used to do that before... that happened. Do you ever contemplate about your life? You know things like: what if i didn’t do that? what if i stayed silent? what if what i said once changed the whole story? Yea i know, a lot of what ifs. What can i say, i like to think. I may be a monster who kills like killing machine but i still have 'me' time.

I think i’m just rambeling now but yea another thing about me is that i like to talk, maybe too much sometimes. I wasn’t always like this though, as a child i was very quite and kinda depressed. Childhood isn’t my best memory to be honest, all i remember is wasting it on suffering and building up rage, until of course, i snaped.

Usually if someone asks me about that time of my life, i kill them without hesitation but in this case no one asked me so here we fucking go. Appriciate this because i’m not gonna talk about my shity life ever again. I was born on a beautiful day of summer, 4th of july 2000. I don’t have memories of my family, the only thing i know is that my mom commited suicide because of postbirth depression and dear old dad didn’t even bother to raise me or to even be in my life, good i killed him. Anyways, i spend my childhood at a church, raised in the name of this so called god, yea that place as holy as it sounds like, it wasn’t. Everyone feared the priest. What can i say, he was the best, always beating and torturing us many times even if we didn’t do anything wrong, my best and only friend was killed by this motherfucker. I myself got in trouble many times just because i 'wasn’t a man'. I don’t know how are you supposed to be a man at 13 years old but sure. You got 3 chances to 'go on gods way' if u didn’t make it you were send to a room that looked like an old basement of a castle. The room was dark and the only light you were seeing was from a little window, the door was big and scary honestly, when you first come into the room you would see a big statue of that bitch Mary. There the priest would give you 3 options: beat you, tie you in chains and not feed you for a week or put you in isolation for up to half a year. That guy was crazy and i’m pretty sure he hated children. Every kid would choose to be beaten because it lasted a short period of time compared to the other options. I was a maniac since i was little so i tried everything, being beaten till i was unconscious which isn’t that bad compared to the other things, i was beaten with everything you can imagine, chains, belts etc. I still have scars all over my body from that. Many kids weren’t strong enough and died. Their bodys were thrown in a room and from there they would be put then in the crematorium like they were nothing. Next i was tied and not fed, let me tell you, you get so hungry at one point you would even eat youself and i have seen one kid bite into his own arm somehow. Now the last and worst, isolation.I’ve been in isolation for maximum 2 months, i was put in a diferent room, this one had no windows so no light would come in, i felt like i was in a box, i had no bed, no nothing, i would eat once every 2 days half a bread. Many kids who went there didn’t come back. My friend was always send there even if he didn’t choose that. Dear Mike died when he was 15, i was 14 at the time.

Anyway, believe it or not that prepared me for what was next to happen. How do u think i survived the proxy training? That shit is hard but i will get there in a minute. After my friends death i felt like i wasn’t myself, i felt like some other me was taking control over my mind and body. When the priest found out about this change in my behavior he said i was possesd my some kind of demon and he performed this so called exorcisms on me that consisted in bathing me in holy water, tyeing me to the bed and saying many prayers. Useless. It wasn’t any of that. I actually had a second personality, a manifestation of my darkest and deepest thoughts and ideas. It was really hard for me to get used to this other me, over the time i even gave him a name: Devon. He became my best friend, he was the the only one who understood me. I faked being a normal kid so that the priest won’t try to take Devon away from me. I didn’t take any meds so day by day he was stonger and stronger, over the years we did many things, we destroyed a lot, first it started slow with plates and glasses but then i started to kill some animals around the church and the fact that i enjoyed it scared me at first. After i started doing this things i always felt watched, usually i was dizzy and sometimes i started to hear whispers even if i was alone in a room.

Years went by fast if i think about it, like if they were nothing, winters were the hardest because it was always cold and with all the tortureing sure it wasn’t the best thing. I was 18 when that event happned, i still remember every detail. It was summer, the weather was really hot, i was in my room when Devon took control out of nowhere, he wanted me to escape, to be free, to take revenge for every single thing they've done to me. He was right, i had to do something to get out and i wasn’t only gonna do that, i had to kill the priest and burn this place down. That church was what you guys call hell. If it’s hell then it has to burn. All day i wondered through every room in search of gasoline and matches, eventually at exactly 7:45pm i found what i needed, i stared at the objects like they were my saviours. Devon took control again and everything started, i poured the gasoline on every hallway of the church until the priest saw me, he wanted to hit me but i managed to fight him for a while, he was stronger than me so i ran away with the gasoline, i took a hatchet just to know i have something to defend myself with. I lit the match and threw it, i enjoyed the view of this place burning, i felt like i was able to dream again, i felt free and i didnt care who was still in there, the only thing that mattered was the fact that i got revenge and that im finally free. The view was ruined by the priest who was running in the woods. Of course i chased him with the hatchet until i lost him for a minute but then i heard a scream so i went in that direction. the adrenaline was overwheliming, i felt so powerful like i could do anything. After running for like a good 10 minutes i saw the priest dead with his killer getting off of him. The anger i felt in that moment is unimaginable, he stole my victim, the only person i wanted to kill with my hands, he took that away from me. I started running towards him with my hatchet. He stayed still like he didnt care, as i got closer to him i saw that he had the same weapon as me. I stopped and he smiled at me:

-You remind me of myself when i was little.

-I don’t fucking care what i remind you of, you just killed my victim!

-I’m Toby, Ticci Toby, nice to meet you...

- Evon, i said hesitantlly. Why are u doing this?Being nice.

-Thats a rule i have to follow, don’t kill or be rude to other killers.

Thats what changed everything, right after that i saw this faceless man behind Toby, he wasnt scared at all. This creature began speaking to me somehow.

-Child, i can give you a new home and i can let you be who you are, you don’t have to be afraid!

I didn’t have a place to go to so i accepted, i didnt know the training was gonna be so hard and long though. First i had to fight every proxy and that Masky guy left a scar on my face that went over my eye and my eye changed colour, from brown it went bloody red. Then i had to learn how to kill, how to survive, how to run from cops, it was hard for me but Toby helped me a lot. We got close and he took me with him every time Slends would give him a job. He was the youngest before i came in the picture. He told me his story, i told him mine. I had a friend after a long god damn time.

Now i’m 21 and i’m one of the best proxys Slender ever had. Toby is still the best of the best and to be honest he deserves the title. That’s my story. Now that you know it you should be prepared because i might come for u next.

[jenna-jayde-the-renagade]

So my life has gone to shit.. I dont trust anybody anymore, and honest to god I cant help but keep thinking of ways to end it. My mom keeps telling me how to feel about this whole thing, that I should be grateful that i got in finally to see a specialist. Reality is I dont even trust those subhuman animals anymore, and frankly they're gonna have to earn my trust. After 4 fucking years, my life, my future being ruined. My mental health going downhill, all for the second time now. Add on to that, I dont get any meds for the pain so this has pushed me into addiction now for a second time. I've been dehumanized and humiliated, treated with nothing but the utmost disrespect while being stigmatized for being mentally ill, transgender and a recovering addict for most of it. They ignored me for 4 years, my body is damaged, and frankly help just might have came too little too late. I wont just suffer through the next one, the next time this happens I'm gonna end my life, my suffering on my own god damn terms. Atleast I still have control over that..

Fuck the canadian healthcare system. Some days I honestly just want to start selling drugs, and fly to a country where I can just pay to play and get the best care in the god damn world. Cause 4 years now I've been telling them to refer me to a specialist, I've been telling them that it's probably crohns or some other GI issue. They need to do a colonoscopy and a scope to find it, so that's what I would ask for. I would never get it, so i more or less gave up on the healthcare system. They would leave me on the floor thrashing in pain for hours. Treating me like a drug addict in withdrawal when I didnt even have any opioids in my system. I would be lucky if I got an IV for fluids, and even more lucky if they pumped me full of a bunch of over the counter drugs and others that didnt work like gravol, tauridol, buscopan, zofran, and haliperidol. I would tell them each time, that this was the hundredth time they tried gravol, and it doesnt help people when they're screaming in pain. They treat the nausea. Its bullshit because I am in so much pain that its making me nauseous and until they get rid of the pain, the vomiting is just gonna continue. They always treat me like I'm full of shit, and when I turn out to be right and continue puking, thrashing and screaming in pain, they just get angry at the fact they were wrong. Our doctors and nurses are a bunch of sociopathic, apathetic adult children who in my experience take pleasure in watching you suffer. The worse I get the more they smile. They are so stupid, blind almost because if their stupid fucking machine says I'm ok then I guess it's all in my head. They only think that theres nothing wrong with me because theyve only ever done a blood test or an xray. Never ever once have they done a single test that would have found the issue, crohns cant be found just on a blood test. The emergency room doctors think it can be, my family doctor and everybody else I've talked to says otherwise.

On January 1st I was having another flare up, and they shoved me in the psych observation room because they genuinely didnt want to deal with me. They ignore me, and I keep going in because I want help. I dont want to end up relapsing again cause I cant take the god damn pain! But nope, I get treated like a crazy person now.. they did it against my will. And they even tried to take my phone and my keys. I was puking constantly, I needed water to keep hydrated and they left me for 4 hours, locked in, no meds, no help or nothing. So I just cracked.. I had nothing to barf in, to wipe my nose with, or to wipe the cold sweat off me. So I puked in every corner of that room, I puked beside the bed especially because a mop wouldnt fit in there. I pissed in the corner, I would hack up some phlegm and spit it all over the floors and walls, I blew snot rockets on every surface too! After a while some nurse came in and gave me a barf bag. I threw it on the floor and just continued to puke over every hard surface in the place. I was puking every 5 seconds I swear, and the doctor finally came in at 3 hours and 15 minutes. At 3.5 hrs they give me two pills. I straight up tell them there is no point in even taking them. I couldnt even keep water down and these people are stupid enough to make me take pills? Come on. You need to hold it in for atleast an hour to see even the most minimal affects. I was puking every 5 seconds, to the point that I puked before I took the pills, and I puked them out the moment after I swallowed. They had given me a fucking gravol tab, and some Ativan, the latter of which I couldnt even hold under my tongue long enough. I barfed it onto the floor when it was half dissolved. They come back with this clear liquid shit in a shot glass. I swallowed it right after I puked. The liquid burned my insides, and i puked that shit out even quicker. I asked them to give me IV medications for that exact reason, I always ask for IV medications cause its literally a waste of your time and mine to just pump me full of pills when I can't keep them down and they hurt my tummy as they dissolve. They tell me to just "breathe deeply and relax" and to "just try jayden, you gotta try", so then I try, and when they end up being wrong, and I can't take shit. They end up saying that I'm manipulating, that I'm drug seeking or I'm not trying hard enough to make it work. Absolute bullshit, over the course of 4 years I have quite literally told them what to do. I have multiple family members with this disease, and my grandmother was ignored like this too. She told me to ask them for a colonoscopy and a scope, and to ask them to treat the pain, not the nausea cause the pain literally causes the nausea. The sooner the pain is gone the sooner I can be normal and tell them what's going on. Instead I'm left to suffer in the worst pain a human being can feel. I get treated like shit and told it's all in my head. I gave up on getting a diagnosis in year two. I just want to shoot dope whenever the pain comes. Dope atleast takes it away, after all they would be giving me some of the strongest shit they have at the hospital if I was some boomer with a sprained ankle. It would take the pain away. Thats for sure. Being a mentally ill, drug using, autistic tranny they just see that. I get nothing. No help, no answers, not even some relief when my screaming can be heard far and wide.

I want to die right now, and I keep trying to think of a painless way to do it.. buying $400 worth of street fentanyl and slipping into a nice, peaceful opioid coma seems like a wonderful idea right now.. that would end the fucking suffering atleast..

I wont be wearing a colostomy bag. Colostomy bags arent sexy, they are fucking disgusting and you cant just be body positive when you have a fucking bag full of your own shit hanging off you, and your only way of having penetrative sex sewed up permanently and taken away from me. Not like I could even be a decent fuck for anybody at this point anyways. Its painful to shit, let alone anything else. I dont want to give up food either. I love food, food is literally my life and the only way I have to bond with certain people! Like my family for example. Nothing makes me just want to slip.into that coma more then the worry of the future.

Will I be sitting at a family gathering eating bland gluten free, dairy free, all organic 100% vegan fair trade horse shit on a plate while my family actually gets to enjoy the food I used to be able to eat? Moms spaghetti, grandmas meat pies, the baked goods, fresh tomatoes out of my garden and others. A good fucking steak even? Cause honestly a birthday isnt a birthday if I dont have my birthday meal.

I know for a fact my body is damaged from 4 years of suffering. I used to bounce back, now it takes the wind out of my sails for a month.

Needless to say, I just want to fucking die more then anything else. Positivity and anything I love is gone, and all that I have left is knowing that Alberta health services, coast mountain health services, providence health services, and interior health services have all fucked me in the biggest way humanely possible. So thankful for free fucking healthcare!!

You get what you bloody well pay for!!