#I CAN’T FUCKING THINK HARD AT ALL
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what the fuck is up with period cramps . thinking makes my stomach hurt
#I CAN’T FUCKING THINK HARD AT ALL#i tried to remember what i did yesterday then all the sudden my back and stomach start stabbing me#it keeps happening as i’m typing this#DARTAGSGSFSGSGEEEJJDJDJJDHDHDHDOSOO#OWOWOWOWOW#ow#help help help me#☎️
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Sol
#I’m just gonna put these here so I can rant about all the issues I see in the#so like I as an idiot was like let’s see if I can do a style study on qwille using my favorite boy right#but qwille a brain works in mysterious ways cause like I’m trying to hard to firgure out how they know where to put stuff#and of course the rendering is like that in between fully rendered and that more soft vague#which is gorge#but my brain when I do it is like you need to fix you need to fix this looks bad you suck blahblah#not to even mention the anatomy#which is completely fucked here#I can’t do shoulders to save my life#and he looks so dumb sitting on that box#like what’s wrong with his shoe#I know something’s wrong#I think I need to take a moment#I’m caught in one of those logic loops rn#blahhhhhh
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Thing about just clicking with someone and not having to put in the work is finding not making and those relationships - whatever form they take rarely last or manage to develop past a surface level.
Buck is such an all in or nothing kind of person that has had to fight for pretty much everything (when it comes to relationships of any form) he just cant comprehend that other people experience various levels of friendships or relationships more widely.
We see it in his training of Ravi, it comes out in his father son reltionship with Bobby, it’s part of the underlying reason the lawsuit happened and stems from his childhood abandonment issues. We even saw it in the other sneak peek where he’s with Tommy - he’s trying so so hard to make a friend that he comes across as slightly intense and focused. And while the worthwhile people will stay (the fire fam, his sister, Eddie) those who can’t take that level of focus will pretty quickly drop away, Abby and Ali are prime examples of this and even Taylor to a certain extent - she just didn’t care enough to be bothered by it.
It’s one of the reasons he’s oblivious to the fact his relationship with Eddie is different on multiple levels and it’s part of what makes Buck so interesting and why so many of us think he’s neurodivergent.
#I’m rambling but I really want them to explore this more deeply as part of his arc - which I hope is a bi arc too#I love always said I see so much of myself in buck but this really really hits hard#I’m obessed with Eddie ‘just clicking’ with Tommy and the implications#because Buck and Eddie have had to fight to build what they have and that won’t be superceeded by this surface level easy clicking#buck is just so much an all in or nothing kind of person that he can’t understand the concept of surface level not too deep but fun to hang#out with friendships/ relationships#even when he was fucking his way through the LA population he was all in and wanting more#and I guess he thinks that’s how everybody is about their relationships#911 spoilers#911 abc#Tommy kinard#Eddie Diaz#evan buck buckely
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demiromantic asexual riz gukgak save me… save me demi/ace riz who can’t distinguish his romantic feelings for fabian from his platonic ones
#the demi experience of ‘is this a crush or are we just really good friends’#yes im projecting shut up#not to mention fabian whose comphet goes so hard he can’t even consider the reason he’s constantly bringing up riz around girls#mazey ily but baby do not date that boy#this has me thinking about that sophmore year moment where murph implies riz stayed up all night to watch fabian dance in fallinel#like I’ll throw up wdym he didn’t want to dance but still stayed to be with fabian#maybe this is the day I finally open a document and write a little scene about that#because murph simply cannot insinuate that and just expect me to move on#like. sorry ? he was there all night just watching him ? no way that wasn’t a night of an intense examination of his life and feelings#not that I don’t love the idea of aroace riz#it just fucks me up so bad when I read into all the accidental subtext murph and lou add so casually#dimension 20#fantasy high#fhjy spoilers#fabriz
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DPxDC Writing prompt: A new circus is in town appeared seemingly overnight, a circus of meta humans with red eyes and equally terrifying and wondrous acts. It’s suspicious as all hell and even more suspicious when Jason suddenly feels overwhelmingly compelled to join it when he sees the commercial for it on the TV. Seriously, where the hell did this ‘Circus Gothica’ even come from?
Ok hear me out; y’know in that one episode where we’re introduced to Freakshow and he brainwashes Danny but then it’s ok because he’s saved by his friends?
What if Sam and Tucker and been too late? If Danny had been successful taken?
What if no one believed Sam and Tucker when they said Danny had been kidnapped and he’s not a runaway?
And what if he’s been brainwashed for over 3 years while travelling in the Circus, the only people caring enough to find him being unable to do anything about it?
And what if Freakshow made the mistake of preforming in Gotham where the Bats dwelled? And where they’ll take a deeper look into the circus’s suspicious behaviour…
#dcxdp#this is just an excuse to have more sibling Danny & Jason#and an excuse to use Freakshow more as a villain#that fucker is TERRIFYING when you think about it#and creepy as all hell#I want to see him in more in fics during flashbacks#danny phantom#jason todd#Freakshow#circus au#I headcanon that Danny is somewhat more aware as the years go by but he’s still heavily under the influence#because he’s a halfa#and he got the werid biology#brainwashed au#idk what I’m doing with Jack and Maddie in this fic#bad parents?#i guess so#Jazz?#she’s going feral#same with Sam and Tucker#but they’re minors so they can’t do anything#Jazz can’t pinpoint and get to the circus in time whenever it stops#Danny is really edgy due to the orb’s influence so I can imagine if Jazz does get there in time that he’ll just dismiss her#or tell her to fuck off#look he’s been under the influence of the orb for years rn#give him a break#No one bats an eye at the REALLY suspicious stuff because of the orb’s influence or the circus just up and leaves before an investigation#seriously#it’s hard tracking a magical ghost train#and the ghosts working there overshadow the authorities whenever things get too heated
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Dean is such a paradox for me because on the one hand, I have been actively triggered by him in the show, there are moments where, intentionally or not, the writers managed to create a portrayal of manipulation and abuse and control issues that it sets off actual alarms for me. And on the other hand, I would not have him any other way. There is something — not comforting, that’s too soft a word — about knowing where Dean’s actions stem from, having seen and learned all that we do about his childhood neglect and parentification and the trauma he goes through repeatedly in the show, and that he doesn’t come out clean. He comes out a goddamn mess who ends up hurting the people around him in reaction to his own pain!
There’s a reality there that’s. Almost nice, actually. Distressing to watch, but it is a fucking mess, it’s a good mess! He’s got zero healthy coping skills and a healthy relationship with say, his brother, is terrifying because it leaves him open to abandonment!
I’m not sure I’m wording this correctly. There is a way to be a good abuse victim. Take the pain, martyr yourself on it, and then, even if you have no support or idea how to, then you have to become a Good Person who never hurts anyone the way you have been learning to your entire life. Simply toss everything that shaped you out the door and emerge a saint with a tragic backstory. And Dean is not that. And that’s so fucking good. Everything that he has gone through continues to effect the way he treats the people around him, and he can’t fight the behaviors he might recognize as harmful because he also sees them as protecting him (or protecting Sam by keeping Sam with him.)
And sometimes, idk. It feels good to see a guy who didn’t heal the “right way.” Who mostly didn’t heal at all, just keeps the wound open because it’s easier that way.
#there’s a whole other bit to this about how like. it’s hard for fandom to hold the idea that someone can be both a victim and abusive#at the same time. that the ways someone has been hurt don’t always shape them into kindness and wide-eyed sympathy. occasionally it just#makes them hard to live with. and I think most obviously is the thing that a lot of what Dean does is an expression of love. of protection.#he’s very much his father’s son in that way. that’s why Sam. the guy he’s been Told to protect his whole life. is also the person he ends up#hurting the most. it’s tragedy. it’s realistic. it’s a good fucking mess.#and that’s why I don’t get interpretations of dean that are determined to shave off the ugly parts of his character. to me those are the#parts that make him a character worth revisiting. he’s so full of love. and he uses it to hurt people. he means to sometimes. a lot of the#time he doesn’t but hurts them anyway. he has been shaped by violence his whole life. and it’s just. I get why someone might take this#part of him away. to make him easier to love. because I get that he’s stressful to watch also like I get that. but he is.#he is compelling. in his anger and his controlling behavior and his strangling love. he is compelling in all the ways he has become this.#Dean’s degradation into these behaviors can be both a failure of a show that ran to long but also the believable trajectory of a man who#can’t heal. and I love him for that. I love him for emerging from pain as a angry sharp thing. I love that it brings the glimpses of him#being gentler and recognizing his actions as bad into stark relief. I love that this recognition often only lasts until he is hurt again and#then he backpedals into the safety of behaviors he knows will allow him to control a situation through force or manipulation.#it’s good fucking mess. you know? dean winchester everybody.#maybe I should have put all that in the main post. oh well. too late now.#spn#dean winchester#tw abuse
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thinkign about how alone and unloved morty was for all his life and rick was the first time anyobdy ever put such an amount of intense attention and dependency onto him . and rick had a whole new family and losing them made him stop seeing the value in other people as a whole and morty was the one and first thing that woke him up
#really long Tag rant down there#one of the most Things Ever about them to me is how morty barely even understands just how much rick loves him. more than anything#and its something ricks done on purpose hes made sure of it#because hes so weak he cant handle it#them being together is agony in avsolutely every way and sense but also theyre the best part of eachothers lives#morty because nobodys payed attention to him quite like rick has and all the exciting space adventures and rick just cause. he literally#just likes him thats it. and he never knew it#also i was thinking of this earlier. one of the reasons season 1 is soooo good to me is cuz you get to see morty grow on rick in real time#stuff like that moment where morty walks through the door and rick is instantly at the sight of him SUPER excited and he goes hey!!! but#then he clears his throat and goes Hey trying to pretend like this dumb scaredy kid isnt becoming his favourite thing hes ever known day af#er day#and goddamn night shaym aliens. in that moment where he realised morty had been fake the whole time i rlly wonder what he was thinking and#how he felt. like. oh man this is messing with me way too much this is Bad#and then he got drunk over it and yknow. that . is it post credits. i think. that scene#n literally At the Very beginning he was tired n drunk n stupid thinking like man fuck this im gonna blow this place up and do what prime#did to me. But he brought morty with him Even just at that point it flashed in his mind and he absolutely could not bear to let morty die#Breathes in#im rewatching in October bc anniversary month. i literally can’t wait im so actually impatient i considered just doing it today So hard#odiespeak
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trying to find the metaphysical vegetable that may bring me less despair
#timothy's txts.#the food that is in my house is not nothing more than unfilling waste rn and it’s all i’ve eaten for ages#and i want something warm and homemade and filling#but i can’t go get anything because i don’t think this counts as essential during the strike#and everything is so heavy i wish i could be hugged by my mom#or eat her white chili or stromboli or my grandmother’s funeral potatoes#and it’s so hard to be hopeful when the bad thing you dread is actually happening#not pessimism not cynicism it’s just. reality.#but the past few days have felt like hell in my brain like i’m looking through the warping rubber wall of a fucking balloon#maybe it’s the preemptive grief#or maybe my body is finally giving in to the slick oil spill brain fog syrup that’s been swallowing me for the past three years#who can say !
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Eren is Sun Bleached Flies, Zeke is Family Tree (Intro) and both of them are Strangers
#eren: And i’m still waiting for that cabin in the forest by the harbour out on the edge of town dancing with the windows open i can’t let go#when something’s broken it’s all i know and its all i want now#zeke: this fate’s already fucked my sideways swinging me by my neck from the family tree he’ll laugh and say you know i raised you better#than this and leave me hanging out for all of them to laugh at me#zeke yeager#eren yeager#aot#attack on titan#shinjeki no kyojin#snk#zeke jaeger#eren jaeger#eren: In your basement I grow cold#zeke: Found you just to tell you that I made it real far And that I never blamed you for loving me the way that you did#Don't think about it too hard or you'll never sleep a wink at night again#grisha yeager#dina fritz#carla yeager
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just watched lord of the rings extended edition 13 hour marathon for the first time. i am emotional and i am sleepy but most of all. i strongly believe the person who forced peter jackson to edit down should be shot
#lotr#lord of the rings#wow so many thoughts#so many scenes that feel so integral to the movies that I have no clue how I watched the theatrical version#the saruman death scene??? eomer screaming over eowyn’s body???? wtf#the boromir/faramir flashback with denethor showing up and immediately ruining the vibes????#also idk if I somehow missed this in the theatrical release but the way the chain holding the ring is physically fucking up Frodo’s body…#his skin is red and inflamed and the ring weighs his whole body down at times so that he can’t move…horrific#anyone who thinks Frodo is weak has a mushroom for a brain HE FOUGHT SO HARD#anyway#marathon was in a theatre it was so fun#i watched LOTR for the first time ever like last year & it sunk its hooks into me irreparably. in less than a year I have rewatched 4 times#call me a rider of rohan the way I ride for two towers#best movie of all time?? it’s gotta be up there at least
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just finished 1000xresist. what the fuck
#like. i’m actually at a loss for words#i can’t even remember the last time i cried that hard#do NOT play this game if you’re the daughter of immigrants this shit will KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!#HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!#i feel like that stupid fucking video#I need a minute to think about this.#i’ll probably organize all my thoughts later but i just needed to yell for a second#good god man#FUCK.#1000xresist#m
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it’s so funny to me when people make posts that are like i hate it when fandom mischaracterizes my favorite blorbo/fandom needs to stop reading the story this way/fandom reduces my blorbo to xyz trait when they actually contain multitudes bc they clearly have things they like and care about re: the topic but instead of simply sharing their thoughts they have to preface their joy with this kicking at the table leg bit that emphasizes how correct their opinion is and how everyone else is Lame and also Wrong like mein gotte it’s barbie dolls on some 35 year old who works in software engineering’s macbook you have contributed nothing to society by telling jessica from ohio software engineer to deepen their understanding of sakusa kiyoomi haikyuu. ‘fandom always ignores/forgets that’ ok and? your problem is? ? ? maybe people are happy writing chilfuck as a babygirl or marcille as something other than a girlfailure in which case good for them!! it sparks joy yahhhh!!! i’ve blocked enough people on twitter to mostly be at peace these days but tumblr is Not Safe everywhere i go on my dash there are these weirdos who think everyone else is doing fandom wrong. you silly man. you absolute buffoon. you mysterious moralist
like listen i am the most literaturepilled mf out here so i think i’m entitled to yap about this i like my characters fucked up and bizarre and quadruple-faced and so only read very particular fics but maine gotte i will not complain about it publicly because that’s my business! other people are here for other things. escapism. joy. Oviposition. and that’s great because life’s boring when it’s just you and 10 other guys like you. i’m telling you morally outraged random 18 y/o the oviposition guy is the key to the universe and i’m Old and Tired now so every time someone puts that ‘marcille is more than a genius and people need to stop writing her like awooga booga whatever the fuck’ shit on my dash they’re catching that block like a fist flying out of a can of tuna oh yeah i’m closing my eyes i do not see your dumb ahh shit i go to bed
#fr…. let people live….. there is no right or wrong way to engage with stories we’re literally just hanging out….#worst part is when i click on op’s blog and they’re like 26#please please go and cook some vegetables you will be happier#as for me i’m hard at work massaging that block button like a flaccid cock#i Will make tumblr a place that doesn’t raise my blood pressure (determined)#man like fr what is the point of trying to change how people hang out in fandom#just find people u like and hang out with them#mayne goat i usually disagree with the most popular characterizations of my homies but so what you know#does it matter? no? will i think about it? no! i will go find things i like#and if i can’t find them i’ll write em myself#or draw em. or fuck em. whatever#it’s just so silly to me to waste energy being a hater on randos when you could be having fun#that’s how i try to live anyway. look at pretty face and have fun#no one is wrong in fandom. some may be stupid. but they’re not wrong! what do you know. you’re just a guy#we’re all just little guys#so live ur best life fr my guys spend time on the things u love not the shit that pisses u off#like me. i’m going to go look at pics of bailu now
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the cause of my mental instability is episode 43 of the silt verses, I want that on record
#just???? Holy fuck?????faulkner’s downfall from the gilded cage all the way to the cold hard floor#shrue and everything they said and what happened#carpenter and Hayward 😭😭#Carpenter and Faulker…….. I can’t think about them for too long or I’ll start chewing the drywall#sibling rane and all that manipulation#things are spiralling out of control for everyone and everything#I am unwell#Silt verses lockdown in my brain#tsv#the silt verses#julia.txt
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i finally got the time to watch love is better the second time around and im not at all shocked that im obsessed with the adult second chance at love jbl - have you met me.
but it also needs to be known that shiraishi is my beloved, the actor plays this role so perfectly and i want my bitchy sad gay to find true love
#love is better the second time around#also i adore the mains a whole fucking lot#iwagawa is the perfect mix of pathetic and desperate veiled in cocky and sophisticated#and miyata’s character is just a gem like the way he has transformed from his younger self is so refreshing to see#like this is a kid that was so pure and sweet and open and when he believed that all got trampled on he didn’t let it go to the extreme of#becoming hard and emotionless instead he really has just matured into an adult that actually cares for and values himself#like that hurt made him feel worthless but now he knows he isn’t worthless#like he internalised it through the way he protects himself from others but he does it both to not feel that hurt again but also bc he#thinks well of himself and i just adore the fact we get to see a timid kid grow into someone with self-respect it’s so cool and refreshing#and even when it comes at his detriment bc he won’t let himself believe iwagawa is being honest or that he’s ever been - that it’s all just#a joke or teasing or whatever it’s not frustrating bc you both get where it comes from but also feel like you can support him pushing him#away bc he does it for himself and for the person he’s become#so like… to watch a show where you’re both deeply rooting for the couple but also support when they push each other away… idk how they did#it but they did. the premise is simple and the show is simple but every moment and interaction is electric and thrilling and that’s the kind#of show i love. one that can convey how seemingly interactions are full of tension and stakes for these people. it’s so hard to convey that#but this show nails it and i just can’t get enough now.
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just gonna go ahead and say this in advance—
if Riz does indeed come out in junior year, and he says, “I’m ace” or “I’m asexual” when referring specifically to his lack of romantic attraction, aromantic people are allowed to be upset about it.
#because yes of course some people irl say ace to mean both bc that’s how they personally identify#but in fictional media the distinction is necessary. especially with how few canonically aromantic characters even exist in ANY mainstream/#popular media.#I assure you I’m not invalidating anyone who is ace and they mean that to include lack of romantic attraction.#But to look at this from a MEDIA PERSPECTIVE its irresponsible to do this w/out clarification that they also know the word aromantic exists#because otherwise that’s just a conflation of asexual and aromantic without any nuance#and an erasure of aromantic people who are not asexual.#Plus—name a single fucking time a character in mainstream/popular media has said the word aromantic.#Because I can name several instances where they say asexual. But I can’t think of ONE where they say aro or aromantic.#(Maybe that Isaac kid does in season 2 of Heartstopper? But I haven’t seen it so I’m not 100% sure.)#anyways.#the way this fucking fandom—and ANY fandom with a canon aro character—discusses the aromantic spectrum#is blatantly just to remove their own personal guilt for shipping that character with other characters and erasing their orientation.#because yes aromanticism IS a spectrum!! But when people talk about fabriz and say ‘he can still be ace!’ (Which is aro erasure) or#‘he can still be aro!’ They never SHOW riz still being aro or having any kind of complex relationship with romance.#I’m angry and I’m allowed to be.#I get that a ship you liked may be hard to let go of or something#But I’d be much less mad if all the fabriz fans said ‘yeah I know Riz is aro in canon and he and Fabian would never get together.#I just like to imagine it sometimes in fiction/fanon!’ Then that would be a WHOLE different conversation#Because then they’d at least be acknowledging that riz doesn’t feel romance in canon. That fabriz is something that actively#Goes against the canon characterization of one of those characters—and that’s fine. Just fucking ACKNOWLEDGE IT.#But most of these people either WANT fabriz to be canon/believe it WILL BE canon#OR I guess feel uncomfortable confronting the fact that they ARE erasing riz’s aromanticism so they don’t even acknowledge it at all.#fhjy#fantasy high#d20#dimension 20#riz gukgak#aromantic riz gukgak#fhsy
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little rich boy sirius who gets disowned and can barely survive without his expensive brands and the basic human need to eat at least once a day meeting the entirely too generous james potter who just falls for the vanity and sincerity of the reformed rich boy and decides that once sirius stops caring about brands and status and rich boy things and just cares about what matters in life he decides to spoil his boyfriend to pieces because he’s secretly sitting on a fucking fortune
#idk i just think it’s funny#like james would find sirius when he’s struggling with money because he’s so bad at saving and prioritising his spendings because he’s never#had too before and so james would teach him how to do all that stuff and emotionally support sirius through it all and sirius just falls in#love with this beautiful guy who’s just so generous and who teaches him so many things and finds value in kindness and sincerity and#compassion and all that jazz and james falls in love with sirius helplessly because he might be stuck up and vein and kind of selfish and#is stuck up and cares all too much about status but he’s trying so hard to be better and he finds empathy because sirius got kicked out for#the worst reasons because he’s always been the black sheep of his highly cultist christian family or whatver and he’s also outwardly queer#and james decides that he wants to give sirius everything and loves the way he looks in expensive makeup and designer faux fur coats and#heels and divine jewellery and all that jazz but makes sirius sell it all and learn what it means to be human and not rely on money and#status and brands and stuff and sirius learns what it’s like to be decent and in touch with humanity and only then does james take sirius on#a surprise luxury holiday for his birthday or something and then just buys him thousands of dollars worth of all these glamorous looking#things and sirius is like omg what the fuck jamie and then he just becomes sirius’ sugar daddy because he can’t help himself but they’re#also in love and much better people because of it and when sirius buys things now it’s not because of brands or because they have big price#tags like he used too. he now buys things with james’ credit card he keeps in his own wallet because he thinks he’ll feel pretty in them or#because he thinks james will loose it if he sees sirius walking around in it or if he sees a really cute toaster that sends him into a#frenzy that has him spending all way too much on an impromptu kitchen renovation but james doesn’t care because as long as his boyfriend is#happy and actually paying attention to the price of things and calculating the best value and taking james’ opinion as well and just being#happy and safe and accepted in his new home and family here with his jamie#please i think they’d be so cute ugh!!!#prongsfoot#bambibelle#drabble#fic idea#marauders#james potter#sirius black#jay talks
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