#He literally had someone show up to his fucking house and put a tracker on his families car

[pronounrespector]

Ignorant people, man istg

[ja3hwa]

♡ 𝐃𝐚𝐲 𝟔 : 𝐑𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡/𝐏𝐨𝐬𝐬𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐒𝐞𝐱 - 𝐂.𝐒 ♡

Whoops

【sʏɴᴏᴘsɪs】 : You wanted to show your hot-headed lover that you could protect yourself. And what better way than to go looking for his number on rival....

『ᴡᴏʀᴅ ᴄᴏᴜɴᴛ』 :  3.07k

-> ɢᴇɴʀᴇ: Mafia Au. Smut. Angst. 

ᴘᴀɪʀɪɴɢ: MobBoss!San x F.Reader

[ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢs] : Mention of criminal activity. Flirting. Manipulation. Seducing disgusting men (ew). Sweet talking, dirty talk, making out, neck kisses. Biting and marking. Aggressive San. Pet names. Mention of guns. Abuse. Fucking in public (kinda). San is literally crazy and you love it hehe. Punishment. Swearing. Fingering. Pussy slapping. Degrading. (use of slut). Praise. Head-spinning vibes. Spit cause San likes it dirty and messy. Death. You both are sadistic and crazy okay this is pure filth.

Thank you, @kitten4sannie , for requesting San for this day ♡♡♡.

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You had enough. All he did was worry about you and your way of life. He worried to the point the point he became paranoid. Adding more guards at almost every door of your home and always making sure there was someone by your side. In truth, you did appreciate him for worrying, but not to the point, of him locking you in the house cause "the outside world is a bad place."

That was the last straw. He can't just lock you away like some doll that just sits and looks pretty for him. You were strong, hold your own. Just because you weren't born into this dark life doesn't mean you couldn’t handle it. So, to say you were fuming was putting it lightly.

You devised a plan, granted probably a stupid plan, but a plan nonetheless. To bring San the one man that's been tormenting him into thinking you were unsafe. His enemy Lucas. A ruthless mob boss on the border of Seoul. He didn't own much land, but he made up for it in trade. San and him had been fighting for territory for years. And their fathers before that. So, of course, if you were to bring Lucas to grovel at San's knees for even better, just kill him. It would solve your problems.

Go big or go home, right?

You were dressed to impress. A lavish tight dress that hugged your figure in all the right places and heels that you were already begging to take off as they scratched your ankles. You were dolled up to perfection, and the best thing was that no one knew who you were. Sure, they knew of you, the infamous woman who stole the heart of the cold and cruel King of Seoul. But no one had a face to a name, San made sure of that.

So you kind of thanked his overprotectiveness at this moment. But this was no time to thank your hot-headed lover. This was time to prove to him—and yourself—that you were more than capable of being in this dark world, his world.

You weaved through people of the loud nightclub, drawing attention from most of the men in the room. All of them were likely criminals in some way that you were aware of. In this world, no one's hands are clean. You also knew that this bar was what people called open danger. This meant no one owned it, and it was a "safe space" for gangs to strike deals with one another, and people in the underworld could mingle.

That also meant it was no man's land, where anyone and everyone was vulnerable.

San had told you about these types of bars, and of course, he also said never to go to one. But here you were scanning the field of people to find who you were looking for. You did some digging and managed to find out that Lucas liked to converse in this particular club and that he also, always without fail, took a girl home from said place. So that's what you were going to do;

Be the bait and make him fall.

Your heart was racing, but you kept a straight face. Quickly reaching into your bag and finally turning on your phone and not even a second, messages, and missed calls flooded your notifications. San would have found out by now that you were missing and tried using your phone tracker to find you. But given your phone was off, he would have been rageful knowing he couldn't find you. You scanned some of the messages

'Baby, where are you? Answer me, please.'

'You better not be somewhere stupid'

'I swear to god when I find you, you're in for the punishment of your fucking life.'

The last one made you feel a little dizzy. And now that your phone is back on, San would surely show up here at any moment. So you had to act fast, in order for your plan would work. Spotting Lucas sitting in an open booth with two guards on either side, you acted on your plan. All those drama classes you took as a kid were about to pay off, as you waltzed over with your hips swinging enough to get his attention. His eye immediately scanned your figure sickeningly. He was scum, a pig, and honestly a terrible criminal.

But you needed him gone. To end San's stress once and for all. You learnt the rules of the game, watched how mob bosses played their hand, and now it was your turn to join.

"This seat taken?" Your voice was sweet as candy, making anyone melt from the tone. You battered your eyes and bit your lip, falling easily into the role of sweet and innocent. The pig was instantly intrigued, wanting you to be near him. He didn't say anything, no, he just patted the booth seat next to him, widening his thighs in a poor attempt to "show off" his physique to you.

You just giggled even though you'd rather puke. But you needed to do this now or never. San would definitely be on his way now, and time was running short. So the art of sweet talking began. You laughed at his stories, placing lingering touches on his shoulders and chest. Your face sat a little too close to his at some points, almost daring him to kiss you. You were seductive, observant, and cutthroat.

That's how you ended up leading him to a private booth out the back with his guards long but forgotten at the original seating place. His hands gripped your hips as his disgusting lips found your neck while his bad breath pooled near your poor nose.

Your fingers tangle in his oily hair, keeping his head near you. He trailed before reaching your large necklace. His gross chapped lips kissed your gold pendant. His inner lip grazed the beautiful Ruby, San's signature gemstone. His birth gem. But Lucas obviously didn't take in that detail.

"You are the sexiest thing I've ever seen." He grumbles finely, pulling away to look at you with hooded eyes. Your stomach turned, but your smile never faltered. The urge to punch him was high, but you pushed your feelings aside as you placed your hand on his thigh with a slight tilt of your head.

"Aren't you a charmer." You giggled. "But talking isn't really my...thing."

His eyes widened, breath hitching in his chest as he bit his lip. "Well, well, what is your thing, hot stuff?"

You got up slowly, making sure his eyes never left your figure. You double-checked in your surroundings in the meantime, making sure you were still alone—which you were—, before seductively lifting your dress, letting him get a pervy view on your legs.

"My thing involves something more..." You placed your heeled foot right on the edge of his chair, letting the top of your foot rest onto his bugle, pressing down slightly, making him hiss. "...Firey."

You pulled out the small gun that was on your thigh holster, placing it perfectly in aim with Lucas's gross forehead. His eyes widened, visibly gulping. Before he could protest his shock, a loud bang followed by gunfire was heard throughout the club.

If you timed this correctly, it was currently three-thirty in the morning, and you innocently tipped the manager of this club that a flush-out would take place and that everyone needed to be out of said club by at least three AM, leaving you alone with Lucas and his bodyguards.

“W-what did you do?” Lucas growled trying to stand up but the pressure on his stupid cock got firmer, making him silence his high-pitched whine in an instant. You showed no emotion, not a single expression to help him read you. He was completely at your mercy. And as if his heart couldn’t sink more into his throat, when he saw who walked through the curtained door frame made the beat in his chest stop.

“So this is where my darling ran off too.” San's deep rumble could make anyone melt, especially you. You could feel his gazing eyeing you but not like how Lucas did prior, it was filled with desire, possessiveness, and greed. His steps echoed in the silent door, making the cowardly male below you flinch. But you didn't falter, keeping your gaze on the man that caused so much annoyance in your life, pain in San’s life. A pest that you were more than willing to exterminate at the command of your lover.

“I knew, you’d look hot with a gun in your hand.” San’s voice whispered in your ear biting your lobe slightly. You tried not to close your eyes and fall into your lover’s embrace but his cologne was drawing you in like a siren to a pirate at sea. You might have been pissed off at him prior to coming here but now all you wanted is him to hold you, treat you like the royalty he believes you are. “I see you caught me a rat.”

His feline smile painted his features making Lucas look anywhere other than the larger mob boss. You just hummed, tilting your head slightly before leaning more forward putting more pressure on Lucas’s manhood. “Anything to get you to stop stressing.” was the only thing you could follow with, suddenly feeling him grab your chin turning your face to finally look at him.

His eyes were red, most likely from crying, cause even though he was this big mafia leader, he was in touch with his emotions, even crying when you two watch sappy romance films. His hair was messy and not slicked back as he usually had it. He was messier, but in the eyes of anyone else, they would only see a terrifying cruel man with a stare that could kill. But you saw through that, the chaos in his mind. The stress and loneliness. He was most definitely freaked out about you missing prior to this ordeal. But this needed to be done, even though you feel a slight twang of guilt. “I did this all for you. I would do anything for you… My love.”

You meant every word, and San knew it. But that doesn’t mean he wasn’t going to punish you for disappearing and almost causing him a heart attack. His lips attached to your neck, inhaling your scent while he sucked a red mark on your skin. he didn’t know what he did to deserve such a seductive, slightly sadistic bitch such as yourself. God, he was madly in love sometimes he didn’t know what to do with himself.

“Well, I think this calls for a game.” San clicked his fingers making two of his high-end bodyguards come in to ‘help’ with your friend. The large guards tied Lucas up tightly to the chair also covering his mouth with tape, letting you finally take your foot off his jewels. You lowered your gun letting San wrap his hand over the top, before latching his lips on yours sinking you in for a deep, harsh kiss. He switched the safety on without even looking before playing the gun in his back pocket all the while his hands grasped your hips, drawing you near. You could feel his bugle against your tummy, moaning against his wet tongue before he pulled away;

“The game we are going to play is called ‘what you couldn't have’.” He turns to Lucas, “You being yourself there Lucas.” His smile was sinister, eyes filling with filthy ideas. “You are going to watch me fuck the life out of my wife and then she gets to shoot you. Doesn’t that sound like fun.” He bit his bottom lip, eyes wide with excitement and craze. You inhaled sharply hearing his words. Feeling San prop you up onto the bar table in the corner of the room but still in complete view of Lucas.

San got to quick work, pulling down the straps letting your tits spring free, ripping the large necklace off with his as he snapped the straps of the gown. His lips latched on your left nipple while he pinched the other with his fingers, rolling the bud against his thumb. You moaned in a high-pitched tone, feeling electricity pool down your shiver. Your legs spread wider, making your dress ride up and San slip in between. His hips ground against yours, gifting you a groan from him. “Mine.” He mumbles against your breasts. “All mine.”

Lucas groaned trying to move but in toe only moved the chair slightly. This caught the attention of San and yourself, making your lover stand up straight. “Now, Now Lucas. Your time will come soon.” the mob boss didn’t even look over to the coward in the chair, just giving in a cold reminder that he was certainly going to die by the event's end. San’s hand cupped your soaking cunt making your eyes snap back to his. Biting your bottom lip, staring at him with hooded eyes, your eyebrows slowly knitted together as he pushed a finger and then a second soon after into your pussy. “Not wearing panties is very naughty baby, that’s another point added to punishment.”

You seemed to be racking up for a punishment later most likely when you were in the comfort of your own bedroom. But for now, San fucked your cunt with his fingers at such a harsh pace you couldn't hear the world around you as your ears rang and your moans bounced off the dark painted walls. “fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck S-Sannniee.”

He pulled out and slapped your pussy, hard. “Good girls don’t have dirty mouths, another point.” He mumbled giving your pussy another whack before he pushed his fingers inside you again. You cried, feeling yourself tip over before you could voice your plea, squirting all over the table and San’s fingers and arm, making his button-up, soaked in your juices.

“I-..mm I’m sorry.” You apologized for coming without his permission but he didn’t seem to approve. Pulling you off the table, he turned you around, letting your dress fall completely off completely. You heard the zipper of his slacks feeling heat pour from your cunt. Swaying your ass side to side, you begged. “Please fuck me, sir, I’ll be good. I promise.”

His cock snapped into you without a second thought, pulling your top half up so your back was flushed against his chest. His mouth bit down on your shoulder causing you to scream in pain but his cock nestled so deep inside you made your head spin in pleasure. “Good? You think after you’ve been acting like a slut, throwing yourself on this loser and coming without my permission I’ll forgive you? My sweet dumb baby. Sometimes I wonder what goes on in that stupid airhead brain of yours.”

His words stung in the best way possible and if it was said by any other man you would have fought back. But San made it sound too delectable. “I’ll be good, I promise.” You tried to beg again even though, you knew deep down it was useless.

“Promise?” He thrusted with his word. “Good?” He thrusted again. “The only thing you’re good for is being my sweet little cock sleeve while I fucked you full.” He cupped your face squeezing your cheeks together so you could look at him. “That I promise.”

He let you go making you fall onto the table, your hands gripped the oak wood as you felt every harsh thrust that San did. His balls hit your clit in the right movement. Everything was overwhelming but perfect at the same time. You needed to come again, needed him to come. “San please I need..I need your come.”

His dark chuckle sent shivers down your spine, making you look over your shoulder but before you could make eye contact with your lover your eyes locked onto Lucas. He had plea in his features, silently begging to be let free. And as you cast your gaze down you noticed his aching bulge threw his pants. Pig, you thought. San noticed as well, suddenly pulling out so he could swing you around placing you back on the table, his strong grip holding you in place as he entered your abused cunt again. “want my come baby? Such a good baby, asking for her fill. Don’t worry darling I’ll give you what you want."

And with that, his thrusts got faster even if that was possible. You felt so high from him that you were floating on a cloud and no one other than San could touch you. “San I—It’s okay baby, come for me,” He finished your sentence letting you tip over the edge, creaming deliciously on his cock while he squirted his hot seed deep inside you.

“Fuck, baby.” San groaned seeing all his juices mixing with yours. He spat on your clit, making you moan as he rubbed his saliva in with your cum. San always had to be messy, even when you were in public. Before you could say anything a large cough caught your attention and San’s. It was Lucas, the tape around his mouth had blood spewing from all sides and his eyes started to leak a red crimson. He was thrashing around, trying to escape whatever was him his body but all he managed was to tip the chair on his side making him let out a huff along with gargled coughs. And with a last shallow breath, he suddenly stopped dead….

“Oops…” Was all you said making San snap his gaze quickly back to you. His face was painted with a ‘what the fuck’ expression. You almost completely forgot that the ruby on your necklace was laced with poison and Lucas "happened’’ to kiss it, ingesting the poison which was slowly activating. “Yeo gave me a poisoned necklace..”

San immediately knew what that meant and he kinda thanked the lord that the necklace got ripped off when he tore the dress off. “Impressive.” Was all he said, pushing himself forward slightly, feeling your overly sensitive cunt squeeze him. “Fuck, I could fuck you again if it wasn’t for the dead corpse behind us.”

“That hasn’t stopped you before.” You tilted your head while biting your bottom lip. He just grumbled moving in to bite your neck again;

“You are the death of me, darling.”

- ♥︎

[polyampanbyautywaffle]

ashes to ashes to some rando's house

Last week was tough, but this week was stupid

Made a meal at the start of the week which I realised part way through I hadn't had since my cat was still with us. I remembered specifically because my partner had used a shit ton of mustard the last time and it tasted really bad. Anyway got a weird bout of sadness from that

Legit started collecting my cat's hairs I was finding around the place since my can't process things quickly autopilot said I didn't want a clipping of his fur when they asked right after he died (and they can't do it after the fact)

But this is where the real shit starts

Got a text on thursday mid morning saying my parcel containing his ashes from the crematorium was out for delivery. Had a big cry and started mentally preparing myself.

I'm fully jumpy af and jumping up any time I hear a car outside during the delivery window. The tracker thing shows where the driver is so i'm refreshing that a ton too

Refresh and it says 'delivered' with a picture of SOMEONE ELSE'S front door and listing literally half my surname as the person who accepted the parcel

I run out into the rain looking for something that resembles the door. My sister points out that the address on the tracking is actually the reverse of my door number so I go to that house. They say that they did try to deliver to them but took it away when they realised it wasn't the right address, but that the delivery person said they thought they knew someone with a similar name on a different road (all the roads around here have the same first two words so v helpful)

So I'm basically running round the roads like i've lost it, super upset and anxious and call the depot customer service people to see if I can get through to the driver and see where my baby is. I don't know people in the area that well, I don't know if they'll just throw out an unwanted package, or sell the figurine that his ashes are in, I am panicking. Customer service say they can't get through to the driver but will send them a message and put a note on the system

Yesterday I call first thing to get an update - most importantly to find out if he is back at the depot or not. They say yes, the parcel made it back, the address had been corrected and would be with me that day. I start the day pretty jumpy as before but frankly don't have the energy to keep it up

Parcel doesn't come of course

I call again today and they say that I have to get the sender to update the address details before they can send it to me. I've phoned the crematorium and left a message making it clear what they need to do and how unhappy I am about it but of course they are closed on weekends

the good news is that he's not actually at some rando's house being smoked or what the fuck ever haha

but seriously how can you get someone's address wrong when you're sending them the remains of their pet

[in-tua-deep]

SO i watched the old guard and loved it and i have a habit of combining things i love and it’s 1am and i can’t get to sleep until i purge this from my brain i think SO consider this 

Five jumps in time into the apocalypse and - he dies. Of course he dies. Maybe it’s the time jump itself, managing to rip himself apart because he tried too much too soon. Maybe it’s the apocalypse itself that kills him. Regardless, he dies.

And then he wakes up. And he’s fine. And he continues on.

Except - he has weird dreams. He dreams of - of all these people? He dreams that they’re in the apocalypse as well. It’s weird. He would brush it off but, well, he keeps dreaming of them. Again. And again. And again. 

(He likes dreaming of them, honestly. When he doesn’t dream of them he dreams of ash and fire and his siblings dead and decaying and wailing at him for failing them.)

He continues to live in the apocalypse and years pass and - he’s not getting older. He cuts his leg open on some rocks, and it heals way too quickly. All of his injuries are like that, actually. 

(He spends a whole week starving to death over and over again once. It isn’t pretty. He doesn’t even know he’s dying.)

Eventually he comes to a conclusion - his time jump fucked him up. He’s in a permanent... stasis? Sort of? He keeps continuously returning to the state he was when he jumped through time, including his body now? Rejecting injuries? Presumably because he wasn’t injured when he jumped?

It makes sense to Five, shhh.

And then he gets picked up by the commission. and then he doesn’t shoot JFK. and then he goes home.

(He keeps dreaming about His People. They aren’t in the apocalypse when he isn’t, which is nice. They’re probably some weird manifestation of his subconscious, considering his brain keeps casting them as people during the time periods he’s visiting)

Now I know what you’re thinking - Five is dreaming about these glorious weirdos in the apocalypse, obviously they would try to find him because they’re dreaming about him as well, right?

See, the thing is this: Andy doesn’t remember the exact date she first had a dream about The Boy. 

(The Boy definitely deserved the capital letters, because he’s the weirdest enigma that they never solved.)

But she remembers her and Quynh being horrified because - the next immortal was a child? They freaked out about it and tried to write everything down they could remember to help them hunt the kid down.

And they tried - they did! for a whole three days! except after those three days the dreams just - stopped. cold. nothing new.

This was, of course, super super confusing. And maybe they would have written it off as a shared hallucination if it didn’t keep happening.

There’s no pattern to when they dream of the kid. It just happens. Sometimes a few times in a year. Sometimes there’s decades or centuries between dreams. The first time Nicky and Joe dream of him, Andy has to sit them down and explain that no, don’t worry about it. Yes she knows that it’s a child. No, he’s not a new immortal. They’ll stop dreaming about him in a few days, a week tops, it’s fine. No, she doesn’t know What The Fuck That Is About.

By the time Nile joins the team it’s sort of a weird inside joke. There’s longstanding bets about when the boy will pop up in their dreams again. It’s fine. Okay, so it’s weird, but their lives are already so goddamn weird.

(So imagine the old guard fresh in the apocalypse, no human life on earth. they’re dreaming about the boy again, and the only weird thing now is the consistency of it. maybe they’re in europe or something, but most of the planes have been destroyed in whatever-the-fuck took out the population of the whole ass world. it might have taken years to literally find and dig each other out of the rubble. yeah it’s weird the boy is not a frequent dream thing, but it’s not like it’s urgent.)

Anyway, Five jumps into his family’s courtyard and stumbles out, and eats and peanut butter and jelly sandwich, avoids questions about his age by rambling about quantum versions of himself, and goes to Griddy’s where he ends up getting attacked by commission goons and having to walk home barefoot because he had to ditch his shoes

(The Commission couldn’t put a tracker in his arm. His body kept rejecting them somehow, thanks to his... weird temporal nonsense. The Handler kept promising him that they’d find a way to fix him or whatever, but they never did. Assholes.)

Now, the Old Guard squad go to sleep and, thank you, start dreaming of Five in all his somewhat feral glory.

They bolt awake and - “You guys owes me so much money.” Nicky crows victoriously, because he totally won the pot on the next kid dream year, thank you very much.

And any other time that would be the end of it, because they’re used to these fleeting dreams of the boy.

Except Nile exists now. And of course she’s like, we have to find this kid.

Of course the others try to explain to her - except Nile points out a very important fact: it might have taken weeks or months or years to find other immortals back in the day due to travel times and lack of information and all that. But it’s 2019 baby. They have the internet and very fast plane travel. Did you have that when Booker was a baby immortal? no. it took them like, a day to go hunt Nile down though.

“You say you dream about him for a few days or a week or whatever.” Nile points out to the group’s dawning realization, “Well we have the power to get to him in a few days. So we can find him.”

“If we find him then we can never bet on him again though.” Booker points out, and Nicky who is in the process of gloating about his latest win (Nicky has won three times in a row motherfuckers) looks a bit crestfallen. Andy, on the other hand, just looks determined.

“Get off your asses.” Nile says firmly, spinning her laptop around and showing them the one (1) result for a “Griddy’s Diner” that she found that matches whatever the fuck the dream showed her, “We’re going to America.”

“Again?” Nicky complains, “I thought we swore to not go to America again for at least a century.”

(Until Nile’s family definitely dies, they don’t say.)

So they all begrudgingly go to America, during which time Five manages to get called potentially insane by his favorite sister, not get any sleep, bribe his brother to investigate an eye that doesn’t exist, and mourn losing his one lead to who the fuck started the apocalypse.

I don’t think Five or the og squad were expecting to actually meet.

But they’re hunting Five down and looking around and Five is pondering his next move and then just - across the street, their eyes meet.

“YOU.” The OG squad bellows, because Five has been a goddamn mystery for literally thousands of years.

“Me?” Five says, very confused, like someone who has definitely had trauma induced hallucinations and flashbacks whose dream characters decided to show up on the street outside his house for some reason.

And they go over to Five, and Five is like “wow what a weird hallucination to be having, maybe if i ignore it it’ll go away because that’s a healthy mindset to have (:”

and then one of them touches him and just - 

Five lashes out. It’s instinctive. He has a knife and he just - stabs. Automatically. and his dream person winces and steps back and - 

(He stabbed his dream person. Hallucinations don’t touch him they’re not supposed to touch him and they can’t be stabbed what - )

And then the dream person heals before his eyes.

“I probably deserved that.” Booker muses, grimacing at the hole in his new shirt thank you very much.

“You’re not real.” Five says a little too loudly and a little too insistently to sound at all convincing as he takes a step backwards.

“I’m not real? You’re not real!” Nicky butts in, slightly offended, “You’re the one that keeps - keeps vanishing!”

“Oh my god why are you all disasters.” Nile mourns putting her face in her palms as though she can block out her new weird family by sheer force of will.

“Hey, remember when you died?” Andy offers with a shrug which just makes Nile groan louder. “What’s that about? I’m not even shooting him this time.”

“You can’t shoot him, he’s a baby.” Joe gasps, gesturing towards Five’s thirteen-year-old self.

“I’m not a baby!” Five snaps, bristling on autopilot because the rest of his brain function is stuck on a repeat of “what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck”

“Baby boy. Baby.” Nicky backs his husband up, leaning against Joe and smirking.

“Am not!” Five growls, “And give me my knife back!”

“Finder’s keepers.” Booker says nonchalantly, spinning said knife in his fingers, “If you didn’t want me to have it then you shouldn’t have stabbed me with it.”

“It’s my brother’s knife, you can’t have it.” Five argues.

“Booker.” Andy says firmly, making Booker shrink a little like a scolded child, “Give the kid the knife back. How would you feel if I took your gun?”

“You wouldn’t take my gun.” Booker mutters, handing an increasingly confused Five the knife back, “I would simply shoot you.”

“Ooh,” Nicky snickers, “Fight! Fight! Fight!”

“Don’t encourage them.” Joe says, nudging at Nicky. Which would be fine if he hadn’t added in a slightly lower tone that they could all still hear, “Fifty on Andy.”

“That’s a sucker’s bet, my love.” Nicky laughs, pressing a kiss to Joe’s cheek.

There’s a beat of silence.

“No offense, but what the fuck is going on.” Five states rather than asks, clutching his slightly stolen knife (Diego didn’t even notice when he’s snagged it which honestly means he didn’t deserve to keep the weapon) tight to his chest. “Are you guys... with the Commission?”

“What the fuck is the Commission?” Joe does not whisper to Booker, who is supposed to be the research guy but he just shrugs because he’s useless.

Anyway that’s how the whole Old Guard squad winds up in Reginald Hargreeves creepy ass mansion trying to explain to an increasingly erratic immortal child that, yeah, he’s a little bit immortal. No it doesn’t have anything to do with his powers (powers?? powers??????? what the fuck i mean yes their lives are already so goddamn weird but there is a line and Booker draws it at teleportation what the fuck). 

What’s this about an apocalypse?

(When they asked Five for his age, they were not expecting a curt ‘fifty-eight, probably’. Yes they are now aware there is funky time travel involved - which honestly explains so much about the frequently vanishing immortal - but still. 

He looks baby but also he is baby. He’s younger than Booker!! Not even a century! They have two whole babies on the immortal squad !!)

“The world is going to end on April 1st.” Five explains, looking deeply uncomfortable. And afraid. 

(And young. So very terribly young. He’s been thirteen-years-old for a long time. If these people are right - he’s going to remain thirteen until his immortality, what, wears off? Which could be literally thousands of years in the future?

He has family god damnit. He doesn’t want to outlive them. He just - he just wanted to see them again. To save them.)

And honestly why not. Five has already demonstrated teleportation. Time travel does explain his random popping into their lives via dreams. Why not? And let’s be real, they have way much more to lose by not believing him than believing him.

“Alright let’s stop an apocalypse.” Andy says, clapping her hands together.

“You’re going to help?” Five asks in a small voice, because he had sort of resigned himself to going at it alone.

“Give me the number for the eye.” Nile says kindly, “We have someone we could contact about that sort of thing, or at the very least who can keep an eye out for when it is manufactured and let us know.”

(RIP Copley when he realizes he has to deal with anything involving the Umbrella Academy. I am sure they were a very deep thorn in the governments side for a long time tbh)

“Who The Fuck Are All These People In Our Living Room.” Luther asks, Very Loudly, with Allison close behind.

And yeah. No one really knows how the fuck to answer that, let’s be real. What are they supposed to say? Hey, sorry for crashing, we’re here to lowkey kidnap your newly re-found brother because surprise! he’s immortal! Because that would go over so well.

Anyway, so the Old Guard squad are just there like,, trying to teach Five about his newfound immortality (at least he’s got good at the whole “fuck cameras” thing during his stint in the commission, though admittedly there were plenty of mission from pre-camera times. ah, the age before technology.) and also adopt him? because being immortal means family and family means no one gets left behind (or forgotten, hello Quynh)

(okay yeah they tried to put Booker in time out that one time but after a few years they were just sad and everyone was texting him anyway so now it’s just something they bring up at every opportunity. Joe wants the first turn in the bathroom? Booker, you betrayed him. He was a lab rat, Booker. And on and on until Booker throws up his hands and gives in. Yes, fine, you can have the bathroom first.)

And the Umbrella Academy usually would leave Five to his own devices but... look. Five might have vanished for seventeen years or whatever but he’s still their brother and they can be surprisingly territorial.

At least some people are getting along like a house on fire.

(“You were a crusader?” Klaus asks with wide eyes, “How does that even work?”

“What, being gay?” Nicky asks, tilting his head, “It’s fine. I have a permit.”

“A permit.”

“Mmhmm. From the Pope and everything.”

“I kind of want to be you when I grow up.”)

I can’t tell if things would go more smoothly or if the fuck ups would be even more epic in proportion. On the bright side, the apocalypse probably wouldn’t happen because Andy and Nile immediately clock Leonard-Harold’s serial killer vibes.

(Leonard realizes they’re onto him and tries to kill them which is a big mistake lmao, bye bye Leonard)

It probably ends up in an all out war against the Commission honestly, and the OG squad and the Umbrella Academy teaming up to destroy it.

(“How is this even going to work?” Allison asks at one point, gesturing at Five and the old guard.

“Shared custody?” Joe suggests brightly before doubling over because Five has pointy elbows and is not afraid to use them.)

Andy and Five probably go feral together at one point and it sure is something to behold. 

“Now that is a kid who understand what a signal is.” Booker admires after a particularly large explosion happens. Nile just nods along because yeah. 

(“How come you guys get to call Five a kid without being stabbed?” Klaus complains.

“He isn’t even a century old. I’m 250 and I was the youngest until Nile popped up.” Booker shrugs.

“We’re in our 950s.” Nicky says, “If little Cinque does not want to be called a kid he should have been born earlier.”

“How old is hot axe woman?” Klaus asks, absolutely enraptured.

They OG squad all exchange a look and just collectively shrug, “Old as balls.”

“Besides,” Booker says dismissively, “What’s he going to do about it? Kill us?”

and that ends that conversation)

(They also don’t discuss how young Five is. How young he was when he died. How that’s going to effect him all his life. How he’s going to be old in years, but he’s always going to be thirteen in the same way that Nile is stuck in her 20s. Sometimes it seems like the immortals are getting younger and younger in age and... it sucks.)

anyway just. Old Guard and Umbrella Academy shenanigans as they stop the apocalypse and try to look after the semi-feral teenager they have been saddled with and figure out what comes next

[artxyra]

Ok so I don't know if your still taking requests but if you are it's daminette and marinette is over so the whole wayne family and her are chilling and they think they hear someone so they do a heartbeat scan and they count an extra one so they're searching they manor and they're on guard they alfred ask all the girls if they're pregnant and the guys are nervous because one of them could be a father so they scan all the girls and they find out mari's preggo and it's a whole chaotic ordeal

Note: Sorry this took so long, I was trying to figure out the best way to tell this story and I finally got the idea after watching TT episode Fear Itself. 

Whoever’s idea was it for the family to watch a horror movie during a fucking thunderstorm, Marinette just wants to end their lives. She was having a good day despite feeling sick in the morning, so being informed that tonight’s movie was horror-based was interesting. The majority of the time, a horror movie wasn’t a bad idea, but the moment the film ended, and the lights randomly shut off, the screaming begins.

For a house filled with heroes vigilantes, they sure do know how to scream and act like they’re in a horror movie real quick. Marinette could feel the need to throw up grow as the sense of someone watching her suddenly grows. At first, she thought that it was Damian or any of his brothers, but how could that be when everyone disperses the second, they heard movements that were not from either of them. Damian was reluctant to leave Marinette to her own device, but since the manor was so large splitting up was the best option.

“Come on, Mari, you’re Ladybird, stuff like this is nothing.” Marinette murmurs to herself in an attempt to keep her nerves at bay. That doesn’t go well, as the creaking noise suddenly fills the hallway. She sure hopes that it’s the air conditioner making those sounds. Marinette was slowly regretting not taking Alfred’s lead and follow him to the kitchen, at least she knows the kitchen area better than the damn halls. The amount of time she still gets lost in the halls just to find the gym is an outlandish number.

Ding. Ding. Ding.

Clenching her teeth, she fumbles to unlock her phone. Despite using it as a flashlight, she also didn’t want to accidentally turn the only source of light off. The second her phone unlock, thunder and lightning decided to join forces making her jump at the sudden flash of light and a loud boom.

“I am so killing Jason…” She mutters. Finally, she is able to see the notification. It was a series of messages stating clear and the location. There were at least five out of the nine that were currently in the manor. They had invited Duke, but he opted out the second he realizes who was picking out the movies. Apparently, any movie chosen by Jason could only mean bad things and Duke, surprisingly, wanted nothing apart of it.

The creaking noises remain active, something that made walking down the hall and looking for a potential intruder much more difficult. Had the creaking stops, this would have been much easier to delegate which room needs searching.

Back downstairs, the Bat-family all decided to meet up in the living room. Marinette had yet to make an appearance. Damian was growing impatiently worried for his beloved, so much that he was practically stabbing the ground with one of many katanas.

“Master Damian,” Alfred chastised seeing the new marking on the floor. Great another reason to keep buffering the floors at least twice a month. Alfred knows that everyone’s worries were running high. They still had yet located the cause of the sound—a potential intruder—and it’s not like they would go into the Batcave without a problem, but they didn’t want to take that chance.

“She should have been here by now,” Damian grumbles placing the sword back into its sheath.

“Demon, we’re talking about Pixie, the girl literally has problems getting to the gym every once in a while, and that’s with light.” Jason’s words slowly dawned on the family. He’s right. Marinette may be officially apart of the family now, but the designer literally stays in like five places within the manor: hers and Damian’s room, the kitchen, the living room, the bathroom nearest to her, and the Batcave. Beyond those options, it’s better for Marinette to have a guide, which is usually Titus, and sometimes Alfred when he doesn’t have anything to do.

“I got the tracker ready, sir. Should I place it on heartbeat mode?” Alfred shows them the tracking device with a knowing look on his face.

The Batbros race to the device only for Tim to grab it and put it in the right settings.

“Hold on, wouldn’t it better to search for heat signatures?” Dick asks—well he was thinking aloud for the most part.

“Ideally yes, but the readings can become messy if we’re all in the same room or if what we are dealing with doesn’t radiate heat. It’s best to go with a pulse or in other words a heartbeat. Got any more questions, Dick.” Tim states glaring at his oldest brother. They were all worried about Marinette, but it was upped times ten. “Now are we going to try and find ‘spresso and whoever even dared to enter the manor?” Tim was a man on a mission. In fact, they all were.

No one dared to object to Tim’s claims. Damian was impatiently tapping his feet against the ground, and soon there were thirteen pulsing dots going off the tracker. Tim mentally did a headcount, with him included there were nine people in the room with him which means four of the dots are in unknown locations.

“So, which one do we follow?” That was the question on everybody’s mind.

“We go to the one that is alone, with a faint pulse.” On the device, several feet away is a flickering dot as if there was some interference in picking up the heartbeat. It wasn’t stable.

“Damian, where are your animals?” Barbara asks typing away on her phone. She may not be at the bat-computer, but she can still manage with Wi-Fi and a portable device.  

Damian wasn’t sure where his animals are. He knows for a fact that Alfred the cat was in his room, Titus disappears to hang out with Ace every now and then. The rest of the animals are most likely outside in their miniature houses that he keeps at the manor for nights like these.  

“No time to argue, we got to move.” Tim was already ahead of the family following the path guided to him by the tracker.

The bat-family follow the strange signal until they reach a dead end. All the doors were shut, and the thunder was booming with no means to stop. They haven’t seen or heard from Marinette since they disbanded earlier that night. Soon, the faint pulsing signal grows stronger as they approach the final door. No one, aside from Alfred, could remember what was behind that door. It was a bedroom.

“Whoa” Tim yelps, looking down at the tracker. There are now twelve pulsating dots on the device. They all filter into the room. It was practically empty which put them all on edge. Marinette was somewhere in the manor and now there were in an empty room with no clues on where to start.

Using their flashlights, they scan every inch of the place and still found nothing. Alfred takes the device away from Tim who protested but when he realized that it was Alfred he calms down.

“I don’t think there is another person in the manor,” Cass states looking around the room. She was eyeing the large wardrobe. If her hunch is correct, then she knows where the newest pulsing signal is coming from and that makes her giddy.

“I concur with Miss Cain.” Alfred walks over to the second door that is in the room and opens it revealing a certain black Great Dane wagging his tail happily yet protectively. He barks but upon seeing his owner, he calms down. “It appears that one of the signals is Titus and with him being her it only means that Miss Marinette is in this room. Perhaps in the wardrobe.”

The second the word “wardrobe” escapes the butler’s lips, all the bat-bros rush over to the item. Damian was quick to open it and there she is. Marinette’s small enough to fit comfortably on the base and stay hidden had there been any clothes on the rack. In her arms is a small pup, probably the intruder that has been haunting them. The pup’s nails are long and need to be cut. Marinette was sleeping which made it easier for Damian to scoop her into his arms.

The pup wakes up and begins barking yelping up a storm causing Marinette to stir in Damian's arms. Her eyes flutter open and a yawn escapes her lips.

“Is it morning already?” She yawns once more rubbing her eyes. Damian shakes his head causing Marinette to pout and try to find comfort in Damian’s arms to fall back to sleep to, but the pup in her arms wasn’t having it. “Oh quiet, you.” Marinette laughs and tightens her hold on the pup.

“That doesn’t explain the strange pulsing signal?” Steph states looking over Alfred’s shoulder and once more a signal was faltering without a constant beat.

“That’s because I believe, Miss Marinette is currently with child.” Alfred places the device down for everyone to see. “We have the heartbeat tracker on pulsing signals that can be easily translated to a heartbeat. If Miss Marinette, is indeed with child, the interference to this signal is the pulsing from the fetus.”

Alfred pause for a second giving everyone to process the news. Damian’s exe. was broken as he stares at his wife with love and shock. The rest of the family, aside from Cass, was blinking away the shock. Five, four, three, two…one. Then they all break out in shouts of excitement.

“Oh my god, we’re going to be uncles!” Dick exclaims bouncing in place. He even wraps his arms around Damian, who was still frozen and gives him a side hug knowing full well that he can’t protest.

Jason looks like he was about to kill someone—more or less Damian for a matter of fact. Marinette was his sister in everything but blood. Yes, he’s excited for the incoming member of the family, but he doesn’t know what to do.

 Tim was trying to wrap the news around his head. He hadn’t had any coffee since before the movie night started and with the power being off, there’s no way for him to make his usual late-night cup of coffee.

“Will you shut up; I’m trying to sleep here,” Marinette growls bring the attention back to her. Damian did the only thing that came to mind, he places a kiss upon her lips. Marinette moans and she would have playfully hit him had her arms weren’t holding the pup.

“So, no one is going to question how a puppy got into the manor?” Steph asks pointing to the pup still in Marinette’s arms. She was tempted to coddle the pup and leave the room to return to her own and news come back to life in the morning.

“Titus’s doggy door, most like. I won’t know until I check all the cameras.” Barbara says wheeling herself over to the couple, “Congratulations Damian…I’m going to bed.”

“We are so talking about this in the morning,” Dick claims as he walks out the room pushing Jason and Tim along with him.

Soon it was just Marinette, Damian, and the dogs alone in the room. Damian had a few options to consider, stay the night in this room or walk through a series of halls to return to their own bedroom. It’s late, so he chooses the former. Placing Marinette on the bed was easy once the newly introduced pup jumps out of her arms and onto the bed.

He makes sure she’s comfortable before joining her. Titus curls at the foot of the bed barking at the pup to come to him to which the pup did. Damian pulls Marinette into his chest and whispers, “Thank you, Angel,” into her ear.

“You’re welcome, Demon.” Marinette murmurs back before going off to sleep.

Who would have thought that this is how his family would find out that Damian and Marinette were expecting? This would go down as the best accidental reveal in their family history.     

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[bronan]

Jack Wheeler and Simon Ian Rhodes II. naturally

anon understands me

FOR JACK WHEELER:

send me a character and i’ll list:

favorite thing about them - jack wheeler checks every single one of my boxes except for the 'being real' box - I literally love everything about him but the catch is that a lot of the stuff I love about him I made up because he wasn't given much characterization in the show. If I had to try to explain my enormous love for this man, I'd say that I love how resourceful and spunky he is. He's so stubborn and stupid and smart. How'd he figure out how to use alien technology on his own car like that? And then he built a Mobi?? Like Jack is some kind of mechanical wizard. He strikes me as the kind of man who is used to doing things on his own, doesn't like to ask for help, and prides himself on his ability to handle things and "take care" of it/others. All stuff that was also probably expected of him as the "man of the house." basically being the provider puts a lot of pressure on a fella and he doesn’t like to ask for help at all. It’s HARD to turn that off, especially when he’s been put into survival mode for SO long. Jack is going to be looking over his shoulder for a long time. I see you jack and I sympathize with your character and I understand why you had a hard time being all chill when you finally saw your son again for the first time in probably a decade it’s okay king I love you forever

least favorite thing about them - we did NOT get enough jack wheeler and I'm just mad that we never got a proper resolution to his tracker because like... it's still in there... in them molecules... what if someone else decides to hone in on it and find earth and blow it up WHAT THEN JACK

favorite line - every word outta his mouth is my favorite line

brOTP - jack and tezz meet and get along RIGHT NOW. You guys have a lot to bond over and by bond I mean be super awkward and probably wind up working on a car together and being silently impressed with each others' ability to integrate sentient technology with earth technology which can open up the floor for an even more awkward attempt at conversation until you two vibe enough to actually want to talk to each other. Also if tezz gets with vert then jack HAS to talk to him which would be hilarious. vert forgive your father he is trying over here - jack and zeke brothers for LIFE but if you ask jack it's NOT that intense but if you ask zeke it IS that intense - not a brOTP more like I think jack would just love the shit out of zoom and see him as almost "mini vert" and want to lowkey adopt him. zoom call jack 'dad' on accident and make him wreck his car in shock challenge and GO - also not a brOTP but honorable mention is jack and sheriff johnson's never-ending rivalry/battle where johnson wants jack to pay up or spend 500 years in jail for all those speeding tickets/traffic violations and jack wants to vandalize his cop car with spray paint and flip him the bird as he speeds off to be a stupid fucking moron another day. johnson is like "jack wheeler is nothing to me" but tbh you think about that man all day long don't you johnson. It's never going to happen sheriff johnson simon will stomp you with his hooves

OTP - jacksimon and girl let me tell you.

nOTP - jack and literally anybody else I only care about jacksimon but I do like to collect sad songs for when he was with his ex-wife

random headcanon - he's divorced he's soooooo divorced it's actually canon. Also he loves to cheat at cards and is REALLY good at it, you can’t beat his sleight of hand or his poker face.

unpopular opinion - boy howdy I think me just liking and enjoying his character is or was an unpopular opinion tbh. Jack was... NOT popular in the bf5 fandom LMAO. Probably still isn't but I mean let's be real, we saw so little of him that it's hard to judge his character and a lot of what we saw was influenced by his emotionally-charged reunion with Vert in Legacy. Man is literally traumatized and confused after being in space jail for years and years and his kid shows up in some spandex suit trying to boss him around I mean what would you have done what would any of us have done. Man needs therapy and apple pie STAT. Anyway I'll die defending jack wheeler's character while simultaneously talking about what a shithead he is/can be. I love a multi-faceted man. A middle-aged babygirl, if you will. My babygirl.

song i associate with them - too many but I narrowed it down to the one that I've been really associating with him lately and that song is World Ender by Lord Huron

favorite picture of them

every single picture of jack is my favorite but I love this one it's just iconic. GOD HE'S SUCH A KING

king.

FOR SIMON IAN RHODES II:

send me a character and i’ll list:

favorite thing about them - THE KING. I love that he's such an enormous shithead but is actually good at stuff and isn't just blowing smoke up peoples' asses. Like simon talks the talk AND walks the walk and I think that's really mature of him tbh like you have to show the people that you ARE the alpha male or whatever - okay that's obviously satire but I also kind of mean it, I just really love and embrace his stupid, competitive personality. I think he was made to be disliked and my brain was like well god I love that for him. Like on god he's hilarious. And he's really just Stanford cranked to ten so all the haters must look within when you love stan but hate simon... but honestly feel free to hate him more simon for me. Also I love his hair those bangs are serving.

least favorite thing about them - just that we got so little of him. But I love that the mention he did get was for Stanford to be like "my brother bought me some cologne" and it smelled like shit. Stanford do you honestly just trust him that much or do you have a shit sense of smell.

favorite line - "Stanford, you're such a star!" I just love how he said that he's soooooooo obnoxious and smart and valid

brOTP - simon and stan is, of course, the brOTP. People hate simon for how he treated stanford but idk about you guys but I had older brothers who were super duper obnoxious so it was like. ah yeah that makes sense. lol. I love that stan was SO excited to go back home to see simon for his birthday and bragged about the gift simon got him like they obviously love the shit out of each other deep down, they just also love to give each other a lot of shit, it's their job as siblings who probably grew up in a very competitive household where I'm sure they were pitted against each other and compared to each other all the time. I could talk about this all day let's move on before I make this post any longer than it already is gonna be - I also love the idea of Zoom growing fond of simon and kind of tagging along with him, they try to outdo each other on stunts and stuff and do increasingly stupid/dangerous stuff which drives vert CRAZY!!! god zoom can you chill out for FIVE SECONDS stanford can you come collect YOUR brother!!!! stan's like um no lol how about YOU tell your STEP FATHER to behave - not a brOTP but thinking about simon trying to navigate being vert's kind-of step-dad is hilarious... vert I am so sorry girl

OTP - jacksimon, simon looked at that old man and called him his babygirl and the rest is history

nOTP - simon with anybody else, I only have eyes for jacksimon man

random headcanon - simon went to med school until the idea of "settling down" in a career freaked him out so when he got scouted to be an actor he leapt at the chance (and it was perfect for his vanity anyway) so he's got a lot of medical knowledge and would be the team's medic fo sho. And be REALLY good at it but would also learn a lot from Sage and expand his skillset once he matures and really hunkers down and focuses. He has huge potential he just... also has a lot of maturing to do and I think him being on the team would give him the room he needs to grow and it'd be fantastic as hell tbh

unpopular opinion - ok so my kneejerk reaction is to say that I like to believe that Simon is COMPLICATED... he has grown up with massive pressure on his shoulders, huge expectations from his family, and yeah he was the golden child but he also had to perform to meet those expectations and all his life he's felt like he's had to perform and put on a show and impress everyone around him and it's gotten to the point where home boy doesn't know how to turn it off and just be himself properly. He comes off as a total stupid bimbo for it but he's just doing what he thinks everyone wants to see from him - the main focus is to be a winner, to come out on top, to be better than everybody else and to shine as the brightest star in the room at all times. (Basically he has to be universally loved and is so far up his own ass he either doesn’t notice when someone actually dislikes him or doesn’t care. either way what bliss) I think simon does tend to naturally excel at a lot of stuff but I also think he puts in a ton of work to make sure he never falls behind, people just don't see it because he keeps those parts of himself very private and filters out the "best stuff" to put forward and out there. all of that being said I also like the idea that he IS just naturally better at basically everything and it becomes a huge point of contention between himself and Stanford because maybe Simon DIDN’T ever have to work hard to excel and be amazing whereas Stanford always worked SO hard to try to succeed and failed and it’s like. Stanford’s so frustrated and feels like Simon can never understand him or relate to his struggles in life. Idk there are so many possibilities for Simon. I think it could reasonably be a mix of both tbh, but ultimately... Stanford doesn’t understand Simon, either, and doesn’t see the demons he fights or the work he puts into keeping up with his lifestyle that he refuses to give up. Their family is motivated by results and Rhodes aren't afraid to talk themselves up, but Simon HAS to deliver every single time because he just can't fathom NOT being number one. He’s seen what happens when you fail (stanford..lol) and has even taken part in ridiculing Stanford for his failures. Basically classic bully behavior that was probably learned from observing. I think he's really full of himself, really confident, but also absolutely terrified of failure when it boils down to it. (I think all Rhodes are terrified of failure tbh.) Basically my opinion is that he has more than one personality trait lmao 😩 so much of his characterization is in my head made up because we got very little of him in canon so my ideas tend to be all over the place, I just think about him nonstop and am not sure which direction I want his character to go so if this makes zero sense........forgive me

song i associate with them - A LOT but right now I've been listening to Fashion by Lady Gaga (not the one with the exclamation point the other one… why are there two… so confusing…) and thinking about Simon so let's say that one for now

favorite picture of them how am I supposed to pick one I can't. But I love when he makes this face:

Thinking Face. he is Focusing. Real kings purse their lips and furrow their brow when in deep thought

[thenervousmedic]

I had a minecraft dream last night...

This is going to be a long post, but bear eith me, and take the time to read it.

I don't dream about minecraft very often. In fact this might be a first. I'm still in bed while writing this, as im afraid if I wait I'll lose a bunch of the memories.

It involved myself and a few members of the Dream SMP getting sucked into MC. Ironic, I know. Dream, George, Badboyhalo, Tecnoblade, Wilbur Soot, Tommyinnit, and myself. We all looked like our avatars... mostly, and even had some special skills i'll get into later.

To be clear, they were as they are in real life in terms of personality.

I've not watched the dream smp yet... maybe I should start soon. Anyway, side tracked...

The world worked differently than normal MC. It was more realistic, especially the combat and movement. Anything you can do irl you can do here. The drawback was that it made everything harder and more exhausting.

I was dragged in a month before the others, where over the next four weeks, I'd figure out how the lives system works; how difficult movement was; that crafting was nearly the same as normal mc; and how to build.

Five lives. There was a little tracker on the back of your hand, five squares for five lives. Each life you lost, a square would disappear. But it wasnt that simple. Every tine you died you'd feel the affects of the world more. Eating took longer, everything cost more and more realistic amounts of effort, and most importantly... taking damage would actually hurt.

On your first life damage was less of a danger and more of a 'stat' to just be aware of. Getting attacked, shot, exploded next to, ect wasn't too bad. But the more you died the more these things started to get scary. Arrows would tear their way in and ve painful to remove. You'd bleed and have actual wounds that needed care.

By the time the smp members were spawning in, I'd already been reduced to my last life. I was never good at minecraft, though im alright irl with a bow it didnt help much.

You spawn in unconcious. I'd lost my first life that way. I spawned above water. A painless drowning. I hadn't gone back to the ocean since, it scared the fuck out of me.

The first to arrive was Techno. I went back to spawn for the good sheep spawns there. Found him asleep in the grass. He was lucky no creepers had spawned.

Nearly everyone was bigger than me, I'm pretty small, so hauling this guys limp piglin ass all the way to my little safety shack was really hard.

Then Dream and George one after another. Badboy. Tommy... and finally Wilbur.

Wilbur was... a special case. He was a ghost. Just like his ghostbur skin had been. Fully awake, really freaking out. I was near collapsing from taking everyone else to my home, wasnt really much of a comfort, but I at least managed to convince him to come with me after the sun started to dip.

When we got back Wilbur helped me make beds. Couldn't have everyone sleeping propped up against the walls... Wilbur couldn't grab anything, but he could open and close chests. He also found out he could manafest things like his guitar, and a plushie orca. Things that made him a little less anxious. It was nice to hear music again.

I didnt get to talk to him long. We finished the beds, put everyone on one, then I immediatly konked the fuck out over the crafting table.

By the time I woke up, everyone was already awake and talking. The typical suspects. Why are we here, how, what happened, is this even real. You get the picture. I guess usually social anxiety, especially in the presence of people I admire so much, would've been a big stressor but after a month alone in this world I damn near started bawling at the thought of someone else even existing.

I told them all I know. We are stuck here, we have lives, dont fucking lose them it makes the game harder. The physics are just as janky as regular minecraft, mobs are much more articulated, armour actually has weight and at this point I wasnt aware of the little buffs everyone had to a particular skill.

Dream was incredibly good at exploiting the game's wonky system and parkouring, even of he couldnt nessesarily do it irl.

Techno was suddenly extremely knowledgeable about combat and could handle most weapons effectively. He was also a piglin-type guy which made him immune to fire.

George's coding skills translated directly into redstone knowledge, letting him build ridiculous machines with enough respources.

Tommy had incredible luck with loot and generally got good enchants.

And Bad was, thanks to his skin, some form of demonic entity and would be completely ignored by most hostile mobs.

Wilbur, as you know, was a ghost who could phase through anything and summon ghostly items.

We didn't find out everyone's special trait immediatly, of course. It happened over many days of trail and error trying to collect resources, build, and have fun.

Turns out my skill was useless by myself, hence why I never found it before they arrived. Anything I gave to another person was twice as effective. Healing items helped more, food would fill them on smaller portions, armour would get a free temporary enchant depending on what they needed.

I'd never liked playing minecraft alone.

I'm losing some of the dream, I shoukd wtite some bullet points down or this post will be miles long.

Tommy accidently befriended a wolf, he named it Wilbur to mess with Wilbur. We had two Wilburs.

Bad was constantly driven up the wall by peoples language but truly was using it as a coping mechanism early on because he was afraid of being stuck here forever. We made sure to swear occasionally so he'd get the oportunity to yell at us.

Techno lost his first life when a creeper blast threw him directly into Dream's sword.

Dream never got over it.

Wilbur started making more songs and even made a few targetted at the groups adventures.

Wilbur descovered if he goes into the floor he cant tell which was is up, this terrified him, he never went underground again.

George made automatic farms and eventually even non-minecraft typical things like a morning alarm clock, a compass that pointed to the nearest village, and invented new armour that was more lightweight but still protective.

Wilbur the wolf regularly barked at and mauled giant spiders before they got anywhere near the house, much to literally everyone's relief.

Bad learned how to read and write enchanting table symbols.

I taught Dream how to repair his clothes and in return he showed me how to build traps.

Techno learned he could talk hoglin, piglin, and villager.

Bad learned he could stare at endermen and mistakingly assumed everyone could so he told everyone else its ok to do so.

Tommy lost his first life to an enderman.

Wilbur worked with george for a whole week on special gloves that would let him touch stuff.

I took an arrow dangerously close to the lungs after Tomny's first respawn trying to bring him home.

Dream realised he couldn't take off his mask and wished he could see the world normally again, nobody knew what his vision was like.

Bad descovered a joy for cooking.

Bad also tamed a cat and named it Muffin.

Muffin the cat would ride Wilbur the wolf around.

Dream lost his first life to hunger after pushing himself for too long.

Techno took a wrong step in the neather and lost his second life to a seriously long fall.

I never knew what I looked like...

Tommy lost his second life being overrun by zombies without a weapon. We made a rule to never leave the house alone after this many deaths.

Bad descovered pretty late that milk is poisonous to him and thus cakes will kill him. He lost a life to cake. He was devastated.

Tommy built a cute campfire. He and Wilbur would mess around singing at it. Wolf Wilbur thoroughly enjoyed this.

I would stay up most of the night watching everyone sleep because I worried the house could get invaded or surrounded. They found out after Phantoms started spawning and made a rule that at least one of then would stay awake at night to make me feel better.

George built Dream an obstacle course with lots of moving parts and such. He ran it every morning.

I learned how to play guitar from Wilbur at the campfire.

Torches never burnt out after they arrived. No idea why.

That's all I can remember...

It was a hard dream, I was sad and angry sometimes... but the happy moments made it worth it.

I hope I return to that dream someday.

[i-was-bored-so-this-happened]

Rae Watches Primeval

1x01, AKA, The Beginning Of The End or Right Back Where We Started From

Tagging @its-all-ineffable if any of you lot out there want to be tagged in all of these let me know

Under a Read More because the Primeval notes always end up longer than with other shows....

Spoilers. Spoilers everywhere

Wheeeee litol trolley

I have been in one (1) Asda and honestly it was disappointing

H....How did that Gorgonopsid throw all those trollies at Helen at once? How did it blow up a car? 

~THEME MUSIC~

Where Is Mark Wakeling’s [Captain Ryan] Credit?

STEEEPPHHHEEEEENNNNN

Leathery McLeatherJacket

I’m sure I’m going to say this a lot during this series of posts and I think I said it in my 3x02 rewatch, but this is Peak Puppy Connor

Love how they both point to Archaeology

Stephen. Stephen just put the bag over your shoulder instead of carrying it under your arm

Nick: *throws away paper* Connor: Actually, that’s my dissertation Nick: *picks it back up* Connor: *mentions aliens* Nick: *chucks it again*

Can we just have more Nick rambling about fossils and evolutionary puzzles?

I love how Nick doesn’t immediately chuck the paper, but instead gives it to Stephen to read first

Take your own advice, Nick

AHHH A SCOTTISH PERSON SAYING LOCH RIGHT THANK YOUUUUUU

Hearing loch pronounced correctly is something that can be so personal...

Honestly though, such married energy from Stephen and Nick here

Connor: Your wife wouldn’t ‘ave ignored it Stephen, in the background: The fuck did you say?

God I love the music in this show

Connor: It’s not like the Forest of Dean’s far away though. Stephen, in the background: Now you’ve done it, we’re going to have to go now

abby. she so cute

Considering Abby is 5′4″ her boss ain’t that tall

Look at Nick and Stephen with their popped collars

Was it a requirement that every show featuring in the 2000s featuring A) Aliens or B) Dinosaurs play “What’s That Coming Over The Hill" by The Automatic

Abby if I can hear it that loud you will be deaf by the time you get to Ben’s house

“We never expected a personal call” How else did you think someone would come to the house to take the lizard away???

RRREEEEEEXXXXX

But why chuck the cow into the tree instead of eating it? 

This Gorgonopsid is great at throwing stuff with decent accuracy, are we sure it doesn’t have hands

Okay but why’s Nick at the bar while he leaves Stephen and Connor outside though?

CLAUUDDIAAAA

Oh I hate it when men are just, “But, seeing as you’re so pretty, I’ll do xyz/I’ve never seen a [insert job here] as pretty as you” and so on. No. Yick

We love how Claudia sees Nick and goes, “Yes, he looks like someone I can trust right now, I would willingly kiss and also pretend to date him.”

Claudia: One more sleazy chat-up line and I was going to have to kill him

Claudia KNEW who Nick was! Even better than my prior points, she went, “Ah, that’s Nick Cutter, evolutionary zoologist/palaeontologist, he’s someone I would trust, kiss and pretend to date.”

ANOMALY!

Ben: I’m running away from what I believe is a leopard who dragged a cow up into a tree, and here is this big spinny ball of light I’ve never seen before, better stop panicking and shove my face through it

That may be an actively erupting volcano right there

Abby out here being an apprentice Leathery McLeatherJacket

I feel like we don’t talk about Animal Tracker Stephen enough

It got dark real quick

“I Predict A Riot” is literally on my Primeval-esque playlist, I didn’t even realise it was actually in the show

Is....is that really what those ball things do when they break? Do they explode?

Abby: A TORTOISE?

Note: At some point, Connor popped the collar of his coat like Nick had

Ben’s mum honestly thinks her, what, ten or eleven year old son? Managed to A) Wreck his room so bad 2) Smash the window C) Destroy the wall around said window?? And apparently that’s Abby’s fault?? Because she “filled his head with nonsense by....” taking him to the forest? Saying he may have found a new species of lizard? Ben’s mum, come on...

“I blame the telly” A second ago it was all Abby’s fault! That’s why Ben got mad, cause she had to tell him a lie!

“Let him go,” Nick, how were they meant to stop it?

“Where’s it gone?” Claudia, did you not see it walk into that light right there?

CAPTAIN RYAN!!!! AH!!! CAPTAIN RYAN DESERVED BETTER!!

LOOK how happy Connor is just letting the anomaly suck up metal things and then, “Oh. That was my front door key.”

Lester! Assholey Season One Lester, but Lester!!

“So much for thinking outside the bloody box.”

Did Stephen and Connor already sign the Secrets Act and then bounce? Or is it not their turn yet? Cause they’re out here all day

Everyone’s wearing exactly the same clothes except maybe Claudia

And you say you don’t have Connor energy, Ryan

Claudia’s skirt has POCKETS!

And so begins one of the most awkward moments in the whole series

Stephen’s wearing a necklace

Connor’s wearing four layers of clothes

YES, REX, LAD

Note: We’re re-doing the living room right now, so there’s a lot of noise, so I’m missing some stuff

Shnazzy, somewhat dramatic music as Stephen....stands on some logs

Love how Ben’s class is coincidentally clearly doing a topic on dinosaurs right now and Ben himself loves dinos

What’d he do to get detention?

Those door were clearly broken before the Gorgonopsid walked through

Okay, but the teacher should be able to hear the dinosaur through the door and walls

“Pick on someone your own size.” Stephen, how tall do you think you are

Parkour!

Again this Gorgonopsid is throwing impossible shit, this time a pair of lockers

Stephen. Stephen it’s an exterior fire door. Stephen you just have to push the bar. See the bar? StEPHEN

Claudia has put her heeled wellies back on. Yes, high-heeled wellies are a thing. You’d think putting stiletto heels on wellies would kinda defeat the purpose of the welly, but they sell

This makes me want to write some original season 1-2 episodes for Alex Hart. Anyone else interested? Could explore the no-Claudia timeline too...

I don’t think I’ve ever had a Yorkie bar....The Yorkie Bar slogan from 2002 to 2012 was “Not for Girls” Fun Fact

And there’s Ryan’s body....

Oh man, Nick’s going to cry

........You’ve been there for an hour already?

Ma wife

Ryan: You stay, I stay Nick: That’s just childish

Wh....why are the guys in the white hazmat suits taking pictures or Nick? Let dude breath

Wilhelm Scream

Stephen Ex Machina

And Stephen’s just fine with that? The front of that pickup’s an accordion now! The Gorgonopsid was knocked out! But Stephen, the fragile little human? Was he even wearing a seatbelt??

“Some...force, out there, ripped the boundaries of space and time to shreds. Maybe it’s happened before, in which case, everything we thought we knew about the universe is wrong. Or, this is the first time, in which case, what changed? What happens next? Believe me, it’s very very far from over.”

Nick’s rearranged the photos on his desk since we last saw them. Either that or whoops continuity

Also that’s Stephen’s magnifying glass right there. Either whoops continuity again or Nick picked it up from Stephen’s desk just to put it down on his own

See, when there’s zero noise here, Nick knows someone is there. But when Helen breaks into Nick’s house and is still there when he’s there, he doesn’t notice

That ammonite be doing some funky shit

Also now we can see the ammonite, which means Helen may have taken that picture of herself with her, because it’s not back where it was before

Helen got really far away in those few seconds

[spoiler-alert-i-love-bats]

Jason Todd & Stephanie Brown

“—so basically, it’s not that Jar Jar is a bad character, it’s that the directors did him dirty.” Stephanie finished, her arms settling behind her head. She was lounging in the family room on the couch nearest to the fireplace. The pillows formerly on the couch had been scattered across the room from her passionate tangent, leaving her sprawled out, legs spread across the entire sofa in a position that most would deem uncomfortable. Hearing no response, she continued. “Hmm. I take it from your silence that you’re impressed, I know, I would be too. I know my Star Wars. People usually expect Tim to know this stuff because he’s the designated nerd of the bunch, but why do you think I’m dating him?” Steph yelled, her hand shooting up from behind the sofa. She answered herself in a harsh whisper, “My nerd skills rival his. Tim excels at knowing stuff about Star Trek, which is an absolute shit show by the way, but I am the god of Star Wars.” She looked up over the top of the sofa at Jason, and frowned. He wasn’t paying attention. Instead, he was browsing the book shelves of the room with a bored look, his fingers occasionally hovering over a title, only to move on. 

Steph snapped her fingers, “Jason.”

“Hmm?”

“Are even you paying attention?”

“Nope.” He said, popping the ‘P’.

“Ugh, you’re the worst.” Steph said, flopping down on the couch.

“Apparently.”

Steph rolled her eyes. “That’s not what I meant. I was joking.”

“What didn’t you mean?” Jason said, turning away from the books with a crooked smile.

“I was messing with you.” She said, her head popping up from behind the sofa.

“What didn’t you mean?” Jason pressed, a cocky tone seeping into his words. Steph groaned.

“You’re really gonna make me say it.”

“Oh,” Jason laughed, “I really am.”

Steph’s features muddled into a sort of pout, before she let out a long, dramatic sigh. Her head disappeared back behind the couch before she said quietly, “You aren’t the worst. Jeez.”

Jason let a smile grace his features at the sound of her adorably indignant tone and let out a light laugh, “Well, you’re the first in this house to think so.”

Stephanie frowned. Sitting up she looked at Jason pointedly, “Don’t say that.” Jason rolled his eyes.

“You know it’s true. That’s literally why we’re here. They’re in there,” He pointed to the other room, “talking about what I just did, and you’re in here with me because you’re the only one who can tolerate me.”

“Okay, first of all that makes me sound like a weird-ass babysitter.” Jason snorted. “Second of all, I’m pretty sure they’re just upset because tracking you down took a while and you shot Bruce.” Steph smiled lightly, trying to offer some form of comfort.

“Yeah, I’m never hearing the end of that.”

“Jason, just because you messed up doesn’t mean you’re the worst.”

“Bruce would disagree.”

“And Bruce’s impossible standard is what we’re aiming for?” Steph slurred, sass dripping off her tongue.

“Look, Stephanie—”

“It’s Steph.”

“—I don’t care. Here’s the thing. They never cared about me, right? They only cared about how I benefit them. Therefore, they don’t want anyone running anything without their approval, especially the fucked up robin. For fucks sake, Bruce put a goddamn tracker on my arm to make sure I didn’t leave!” Steph  glanced at his arm and frowned.

“I’m sorry. That wasn’t my call.”

Jason scoffed. “I’m sure it wasn’t. I bet is was the precious replacement, he’s the tech savvy one after all.”

“Don’t call him that.” Steph snapped. “Just because he became robin after you doesn’t mean you get to attack his pride to make yourself feel better. It was four years ago. Get over it.” Steph stood up from the couch to face Jason, willing her breath to steady. “Look, I‘m sorry about what happened to you. I truly am. I wasn’t there for it, but I was here to see the side effects. They care about you,” Steph looked over the the door to the other room before looking down, “more than they ever cared about me.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Steph’s head snapped up.

“Oh yeah? Pretty sure you weren’t there.” Steph leered. “I truly think Bruce mourned more for you than he ever mourned for Tim and Damian after they died.”

That made Jason perk up, his brows furrowing. “What are you—”

“He was a shell afterwards Jason, he hardly even acknowledged me coming into Tim’s life. Hell, he didn’t even talk to me. I was pushed to the sidelines, along with Barbara and Kate, and he knew them longer! And Dick wasn’t the person he is now--he wasn’t as happy and carefree. He was off with the Titans more times than not because he felt like he failed you as a big brother and couldn’t face Bruce alone.”

Jason opened his mouth to deny her words but she waved him off. She wasn’t going to listen to him insist that they weren’t brothers. Jason was a terrible liar.

“And Tim? Don’t get me started. He sacrificed his soul to live up to your legacy and he still feels like he hasn’t done enough. Bruce didn’t help either—he never loved Tim like he loved you.”

“How on earth would you even know that?” Jason yelled.

“I looked around!” Steph shouted, her arms outstretched.

“You don’t know shit.”

“I’ve seen how Bruce acts around Dick, how he acts around Damian. I’ve seen how he acts around you, and how he acts around everyone else in comparison! All you need to do is watch Alfred when Bruce talks to Tim. The old man is heartbroken over it.”

“For god’s sake...”

“It’s not like I’m not smart Jason,” Steph spat. “You can’t get into this family unless you have something to offer.” Jason stepped back, confusion settling over his features. Steph pressed on. “Now listen closely, Jason. You’re here because the people behind that door, your father and brothers, care about you. They give a damn about your future in this family, and don’t say they don’t because you’re a lot smarter than that, Jay.”

Jason looked down, unable to hold her gaze and scoffed under his breath. He swallowed, the silence in the room making the air seem thick. “That was quite the speech.”

“We aren’t all as difficult as Bruce,” She seethed, “and now that he’s come around—”

“Took him four fucking years.”

“Better late than never. I had to get a few good hits in but he got there.”

Jason looked up at her, shocked. Did she really? He looked her up and down scanning for tells, and searching her eyes. Jason had seen her lie before and this wasn’t it. Her words were cold and sure, not bubbly and awkward. Jason could see why Tim liked her now, she was almost as two faced as that little bastard. Meeting her glare, Jason was pretty sure it could rival Bruce’s.

“Damn, blondie,” Jason whispered. “Bruce has got nothing on you.”

Steph gave him a hesitant smile. “It’s Steph.”

“Nah, I ain’t buying it.” Jason said, a small laugh slipping through his words. “You okay now?”

“Yeah… I’ve said my peace.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

Jason hesitated before letting out a long sigh.

God, I cant believe I’m doing this.

“I should probably apologize.”

“Yes, I think--wait, what? Are you actually?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Wooooow, an apology from the great Jason Todd?”

“Oh my god.”

“Am I dying?”

Jason rubbed a hand over his face, “See this is why I don’t do this.”

“This is the greatest moment of my life! Here, lemme get a camera—” Steph started in the direction of her room, but Jason quickly stopped her and picked her up as she squealed in delight. He held onto her waist firmly, refusing to let go amidst her laughter and pleas.

“No fucking way am I letting go.” Jason cackled, “If you tell anyone I did this I swear—”

“I won’t!” Steph giggled, as she squirmed. “I wont tell anyone. Look, I won’t even tell Tim.”

Jason thought about it for a moment. Keeping a secret from the smartest member of the family sounded slightly appealing. “Promise?”

“I promise!” she snickered. “Now put me down!”

Jason smiled at that, gently lowering her to the ground. Steph smiled back as he set her down. “Now, I’m only going to say this once.” Steph nodded, looking so sincere it made Jason pause. He hadn’t had someone look that way towards him in a long time. He smiled, then shook his head, clearing his thoughts. “I’m sorry, blondie. I shouldn’t have pressed the Tim button.”

Steph felt her cheeks start to burn. “It’s okay.”

“Tim’s lucky to have you.” Jason said, turning to leave. “Now I’m going to head to the kitchen before this whole situation gets even more awkward.”

“Wait!” Steph said, “There is one more thing.”

Jason turned around just to be attacked by Steph, her arms wrapping around his torso, her face pressed against his chest. Jason froze. Steph giggled. “It’s called a hug, dummy, and you aren’t leaving until you hug me back.”

 ------

 “Master Jason.” Alfred greeted.

“Hey Alfie.” Jason said, sitting down at the kitchen table.

“You seem quite happy, considering the situation at hand.” Alfred noted.

Jason smiled, “Yeah. Yeah I guess I am.”

[cait-with-luv]

J.JK Soul Ink - Chapter 07

Previous | Next 

¬ Bad Moon Rising - Mourning Ritual ft Peter Dreimanis

The boys look around in awe at the cars and the people. But Jungkook. Jungkook just stares at you. He notices the light in your eyes that had now appeared. He noticed the smile on your face from how comfortable you were. He noticed the serene look on your face of being where you belonged. He knew this was where you belonged. This was your safe escape. He noticed every small detail about you no one else would. His heart fluttered and could only let a small smile slip onto his face. What was he feeling?

"This is fucking amazing". Jungkook hears Taehyung say out of disbelief. You let out a chuckle and nod. You turn to face them, arms crossed before you stretch them out with a smirk on your face.

"Welcome to where I learnt how to street race and drive." You say happily.

Hoseok goes to say something but was cut off when someone screams your name.

"Y/N!"

You turn around but a body throwing them self at you makes you stumble and you're unable to know who it is until the familiar scent fills your nose as the picked you up. You squeal and hug the person tighter as they spun you around.

"Baekhyun!"

He places you back on the ground and grabs your shoulders staring into your eyes smiling happily.

"Where the hell have you been! You just disappeared! Holy shit, you got a tattoo?!" Baekhyun exclaims, eyes widening. You let out a sigh and nod,

"I know, I know, a lot of shit has happened the past six months I haven't been able to come, I don't know how long I'm gonna be gone again after tonight, but if Lay comes here and asks you if you've seen me, you haven't okay? Lay isn't who we thought he was, he could get us killed, okay? He finds out I've been here, I'm going to literally have to flee the country."

Baekhyun places a hand on his heart and his other in the air and smiles at you cheekily making you laugh as he says,

"Mouth will stay shut and I'll make sure everyone else does to unless they want to face a consequence."

You nod and fist bump him. Someone clears their throat from behind you and you turn and realization sinks in that the seven boys behind you have no idea who the guy is in front of you.

"Um, yeah boys this Baekhyun, the guy who taught me everything I know about cars." You say pointing to Baekhyun who gives them a small wave.

"Baekhyun, this Namjoon, Seokjin, Yoongi, Hoseok, Jimin, Taehyung and lastly and sadly the most annoying, Jungkook".

Jungkook lets a huff and crosses his arms, rolling his eyes making the boys chuckle. They give Baekhyun a nod of acknowledgement. Baekhyun holds up a pink slip, playfully waving it around and you smirk.

"A guy wants to race the queen of the streets for pinks and 70k, what do you say?" Baekhyun teases. You nod and walk to your car pulling out a pink slip and handing it too him along with with 35k and Baekhyun rushes off to find the guy challenging you.

"That's a lot of money and a risk you're taking there Y/N..." Namjoon says trailing off. You shrug clearly not caring.

"Did you not hear what the guy said Hyung? She's the queen of the fucking streets, she's very clearly got this!" Taehyung exclaims. You let a small smile slip on your face but it was immediately took off your face when a wolf whistle echos from behind you. You turn around and glare at the man that had appeared with Baekhyun beside him.

"Damn princess, you look hot from both front and back, you just a pretty face or are you really the queen of streets?"

"What did you just say?" Jungkook spits stepping forward, subconsciously. You grab his arm and squeeze slightly telling him, you can handle this and he stands down moving back to leaning on the bonnet of the car.

You let out a sarcastic chuckle and you poke your tongue into the side of your cheek in annoyance as you pull a cigarette out your pocket, bringing it to your painted lips and lighting it.

"Was that meant to be an insult? I take pride in my looks and style, even if it means getting compliments off dogs like you. As for the snide comment about being just a pretty face, lets just wait and see when we've raced and your face is covered in the dirt off my car and mine is well... you know...pretty." You shrug letting out a breathe of smoke.

The man snarls and stomps over to you to get in your face but stops when he notices the seven men behind you that had practically pushed themselves up against you in protection.

"These your guard dogs?" He smirks.  You smile teasingly and walk closer to him so your in his face, taking a drag of your cigarette and blowing it into his face making him cough,

"No but if they feel threatened or you try anything on me, they won't hesitate to break every single bone in your body slowly."  You growl making him shiver at thought of the pain.

You drop your cigarette onto the floor making sure it lands on his shoe and you stomp down aggressively and twist you foot hardly and slowly down on his foot with your heeled boot making him wail out in pain. You step away from him walking backwards and you shrug smiling,

"Oops?"

Baekhyun snickers but covers it up with a cough before yelling,

"Okay race starts in 3 minutes everyone set up!"

Everyone cheers and begins to clear a path and crowd around the race area. You turn around and the seven boys are staring at you blinking a few times and Hoseok blurts out nonchalantly,

"That was hot."

Seokjin smacks the back of his head making him whine and put his hands up in surrender. You chuckle and walk over to your car, climbing in and turning the engine on, before driving it slowly to the start line where the guy was waiting for you in his car, revving his engine cockily.

Jungkook walks over and leans down so he's eye level with you and says,

"Okay I know we don't get on much but here's a tip of advice, keep it on 9000 rpm, he's gonna fry his pistons by the first 200 "

You chuckle and nod, "Jungkook, I appreciate your advice and support but I already knew that."

He bites his lip in debation whether to snap but just nods his head tapping the top of your car letting the shot caller know you were ready. The girl stands in between your cars and raises her left arm for the guy, he revs to tell her he's ready.  She turns to you, raising her right arm and you rev. She gives you both a look before bringing her arms down and you speeded off, before letting the guys take the lead.

You stare at the rpm meter waiting until it hits 9000 and you hear a pop from in front of you and you see shrapnel go everywhere as the guy spins out of control from his pistons frying. You speed ahead and pass the finishing line as the crowd begins to cheer and whistle at your undoubted victory. You smirk to yourself before doing a u-turn and driving back up to the start line and climb out where your crowded by everyone cheering and clapping for you. Baekyun whistles to gain everyone's attention and everyone goes quiet.

"So the queen of the streets has done it again! Not only has she won 70k in cash but pinks! Another car to add to your collection your highness!" Bakehyung yells and pretends to bow as he hands you your winnings. You laugh and mock curtsy grabbing the money and pink slips. You stare at the totaled car and frown and look at the guy that had now walk back over.

You slam the pink slip onto his chest making his eyes widen in surprise you shrug and say,

"I can tell your a newbie, you got cocky and thought you could take me on head first, work your way up instead of throwing yourself into the deep end. I've seen it happen to many times and besides, no offence but your car is a hunk of trash, I couldn't have that in my collection, it'd just be insulting it. I may be a bitch but I can show some people mercy, put the next time you come onto my streets and offended and insult any of these racers, I'll show you my bad side and you'll wish you'd never step foot on these streets, you got that?"

He chuckles nervously nodding and stuffs the pink slip into his pocket before scuffling away. You shake your head and the boys appear in front of you as the crowd began to disappear.

"Okay, you're scarier than you look." Jimin says eyes wide.  The boy slowly nod in agreement and you smirk and go to reply but a gun shot goes off. Everyone begins to scream and run to their cars as the gun shots continue. The seven boys reflexes kick in and they pull out their pistols forming a circle around you and all you could see was their backs.

"How did they find us?!" Jungkook yells and he shoots the guy in front of him. You frown and rack your memories for anything that'd give it away and then realization kicks in.

"Shit!" You yell pulling out your lighter and opening the bottom of it and slipping out a tracker before stomping on it. Yoongi quickly turns to you and growls,

"Are you fucking kidding me?! Anymore trackers you're aware of having!"

"I didn't know about my phone being bugged! My lighter is something Lay came up with so we could find each other if we need help! I totally forgot all about it! It's kind of something I cared less about right now!" You yell back.

"Now's not the time for arguing! We'll split up and once we're clean meet at the safe house clear?!" Namjoon yells. The boys yell their agreements before running off to the cars you gave them. Jungkook quickly grabs your wrist and pulls you down to hide behind your car and holds you close to his chest, his heart pounding from adrenaline. He peeks before looking back at you.

"Hand me the keys and get in the passenger seat and for the love of god Y/N don't argue with me on this please?" Jungkook says desperately. You nod quickly and pull the keys out your back pocket and handing him them before opening the car door and slipping in whilst Jungkook runs to the drivers side and climbs in starting the engine quickly before racing off.

You turn around in your seat and look through the back window and notice a car following behind you. You squeal as Jungkook suddenly takes a sharp right and you fall into his lap accidentally making him groan then yell,

"Now's not the time Y/N!"

"Oh you think I did that on purpose?! Next time I'll make sure to hurt you!" You yell back as you climb back into your seat. You jump as you hear a gunshot then the glass of your back window shattering. Jungkook growls in anger and speeds up but the car behind just speeds up with him.

"Take the wheel, I'll give you directions." He says hold the wheel with one hand to hold it steady for you, you climb over and sit in Jungkook's lap, grabbing the wheel and his breath hitches slightly from the sudden pressure before he climbs out from under you and into the passenger seat.

He opens the passenger window and leans out of it slightly and aims for the car tires. He takes a shot but misses and he yells out in frustration.

"Jungkook left or right?!" You yell as you realize you needed to turn.

"Left!"

You quickly change gear and press down on the break slightly so you drift around the corner before accelerating further down the road. You look through the car mirror and growl when you see the car still tailing you.

Jungkook takes another shot and this time you hear the tire pop then screeching off the car breaking before it loses control and flips over. You change gear and continue to accelerate watching as the flipped car get smaller. Jungkook climbs back in and leans his head back against the back of the seat, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down as he breathes heavily. He peeks a look at you and breathes out,

"You okay?"

You nod silently before looking at him quickly and say, "Yeah, you?"

He hums in agreement and points to the next left turning and you take a more softer turn now that you had lost your father's henchmen. Jungkook lets out a low chuckle and you frown sneaking a look of him,

"What's so funny?"

"Oh nothing, just find it so stupid how desperate these fuckers are to get you,they must be really scared they'll get killed if they don't show up for you."

"Beom-Seok,is out the country, I know he works. He won't have any idea that this is going on. This is all Yixing's doing. Yixing has always mentioned how Beom-Seok has dirt on him and if he were to step out of place, something would happen. I never believed him at first but now...I can definitely see this as him trying to save his ass."

You purse your lips and Jungkook sighs,

"We'll figure this all out Y/N but don't forget this whole chase isn't just about you to. I'm a walking target right now, who knows how many people have been paid by the scum to kill me. Look this is gonna be a long drive so pull over and I'll drive us to the safe house, I don't want to be pointing every five minutes."

You nod curtly swallowing to rid of the lump in your throat and pull over, quickly getting out and switching sides of the car. You stare out the window and watch the lights as you go by and Jungkook can't help but admire how beautiful you looked under the soft orange hue of the lights before quickly looking back to the road and thinking to himself,

What are you doing to me Y/N?

-------

"I guess no one has made it back yet".

"Well baby girl looks like it's just you and me". Jungkook smirks throwing the car keys onto the kitchen island. And back to being a prick, you thought to yourself.

"Yeah unfortunately I am". You sigh crossing your arms staring at him glaring at the use of the nickname. He smirks at you and says,

"You know if you keep crossing your arms like that, they're gonna stay like that one day. "

"Go to hell Jeon."

"Already there, I'm stuck with you aren't I?"

You glare at him and snap, "You're such a dickh-"

Before you could finish you were pushed up against the wall by Jungkook and he pinned your hands above your head as you were both chest to chest. Your eyes widen and he leans down letting you feel his breath on your face. He grazes his lips against yours and your breath hitches. He smirks loving the reaction he got out of you. He was loving your submission.

"Oh I'm sorry noona, do I make you nervous? Stop testing my patience with you."

You gulp and take a deep breath, gathering your bearings and lean forward so your lips are almost pressed to Jungkook's. He stares down at you, eyes darkening with one emotion. Lust. You slowly slide your tattooed leg up Jungkook's leg, before letting it rest on his hip and he holds his breath slightly and lets one of his hands that were pinning yours graze across your thigh making you shiver.

You smirk to yourself before quickly spinning you both around so Jungkook was now the one up against the wall and your hands were free. You move your head closer before taking his pink, plump bottom lip between your teeth gently and tug it making him groan and flutter his eyes closed. You let go of his lip and slid your hands up from his stomach to his chest feeling the muscles tense under your touch. You lean closer to his ear and smirk to yourself as you whisper,

"Don't start a game you're gonna lose Jeon."

[themysteryofwriting]

for your bthb, how about logan as "the collector"?

@badthingshappenbingo

The Collector (Sanders sides fic)

Word Count: 3003

TW: Kidnapping, Taxidermy on a person, blunt force trauma, character death, implied use of a date rape drug, major character death

Everyone collected things.  Some people collect stuffed animals, other people collect pins, and even others collect stamps.  So why was Logan so different just because he collected people.

He had collected quite a few people throughout the years.  There was Patton, who had been there the longest.  He was a sweet guy.  Always cheerful, even now, trying to keep the others upbeat and happy.  Patton had been here since Logan’s senior year of college.  They had met at a small cafe.  Patton trusted way too easily.  It wasn’t hard to get that ball of sunshine to come with him.

The twins came about a year after Patton.  He saw them during a show he went to and knew he just had to have them.  The twins being Roman and Remus of course.  Named after the Roman legend and just exquisite in every way.  They took a bit more planning to get then Patton.  Which was no surprise considering Patton had literally walked with him until Logan had decided they were close enough for him to drug him. But nevertheless, the twins were added to the Collection.  It was such a shame he couldn’t talk to them anymore, but they had made their choice.  If they had listened, then Logan wouldn’t have to have gone to such extreme measures.

A little bit after that, and before the twins made their massive mistake came Dee.  He was a shy boy, who didn’t trust many people. He also had a burn on the right side of his face. He had actually met him before the twins, but it took nearly a year for Dee to trust him enough for him to get him.  He had only been with them a few weeks before the incident with the twins.  But it was clear after that that neither Dee nor Patton would be trying anything.

And his most recent edition, at least until today, going only a few months back. He had met him on the way to work and got the same feeling that he had gotten for the twins.  He just had to have Virgil.  Virgil took a little bit longer to get but he was with them now.

And today, Logan had found a new target.  He would have probably passed right by her if he hadn’t noticed the missing posters she was putting up.  They were missing posters for Virgil. He had seen them around here and there and had tried taking them down without arousing any suspicion.  He didn’t realize who had been putting them up though. Before doing anything, he had to find out more about her.  He picked up one of the flyers she had and walked over to her.  “I think you dropped this.”

“Oh thank you,” she said, smiling take the flyer.  “Sorry, I’m probably dropping them everywhere.”

“No, it’s fine,” Logan said with a smile.  “Do you mind if I ask who that is?”

The girl shook her head.  “He’s my older brother, Virgil.  He went missing a few months back.  Everyone else seems to think he’s run away, but I know my brother better than that.  We’re really close, he wouldn’t have left without telling me.”

Interesting. Virgil hadn’t said anything about a sister.  And she would be both a good addition to his Collection and a good way to keep Virgil in line.  “...You know what I think he looks familiar.”

“Really,” Virgil’s sister asked hopefully.  “Do you know where you could have seen him?  Was it recently?”

“....You’re really worried about him, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, he’s my older brother, we’ve always protected each other….,” Virgil’s sister winced as she realized something, “I’m sorry, I realized I forgot to ask for your time.”

Logan smiled softly at her.  “Logan Berry,” he said introducing himself, using a fake last name just in case she decided to do some research.

“It’s nice to meet you, Logan,” she said, smiling up at him, giving off the same energy as Patton, “My name’s Rachel.”

“Why don’t we go to the cafe so we can talk this out.”

“Well I need to finish putting up these posters first,” Rachel said, “Someone keeps tearing these down, I’m free tomorrow afternoon though.  Maybe around 2ish?”

Logan nodded.  “Then we can talk then.”

Rachel nodded.  “See you then,” she said before heading off.

“Rachel Bosque,” Logan muttered, knowing her last name because of his research on Virgil.  He grinned a bit.  She would be an excellent addition to his Collection.  He abandoned his original plan of what he was going to do and head home.

“I’m home~,” Logan called out as he walked inside the house.  If you could even call it a house with how gigantic it was.

Before going to work, he went to check on the rest of his Collection.  Dee and Patton both glanced up and clearly knew what the look on his face was.

Virgil, like he had been the past couple months, was sulking in the corner, glaring at Logan.

“You’re back early Lolo,” Patton said with a smile that wasn’t entirely real.

Dee just sat next to Patton, already scared for the newcomer.  He knew by now that Logan wouldn’t hurt him if he didn’t mess up, but he was still quiet.

Logan nodded, smiling a bit.  “I think I found a good addition to the Collection.”

Virgil’s eyes widened in disbelief, where Patton and Dee nodded, having recognized the look on Logan’s face.

“Who is it,” Patton asked.

“You never told me you had a sister Virgil.”

That made Virgil growl.  “Leave her the fuck alone. She has nothing to do with this!”

“Ah don’t be like that Virgil, you know I’m not going to hurt her.  Besides, don’t you want to see your sister again?”

“I don’t want you to have anything to do with her.”

Logan tsked.  “Now Virgil, I don’t want to have to punish you again.”

Virgil flinched slightly before going quiet, he was still glaring at Logan though.

Logan smiled and hummed before going to do research on Rachel.  He hummed a bit as he did so, wondering how he hadn’t come across her before.  If he hadn’t already known that they were related, he might assume they were dating with the number of her photos Virgil was in.  It seemed like she worked in a theatre, working on props and stuff like that if the theatre’s page was any accurate.  The more he read, the more he was certain she would be a perfect fit for his Collection.  If his interaction with her earlier was any indication, she would be easy to grab.  He could probably slip something into her drink when she went to the bathroom and simple as that he would have her.

Noticing the time, Logan got food for himself and his Collection before planning everything for tomorrow.  He would have her before dinner time tomorrow, he just knew it.  After he finished getting everything together he headed to bed so he would be refreshed for their meeting tomorrow.

Upon waking up, Logan did his normal routine for himself and his Collection before double and triple-checking that he had everything he would need.  After being sure, he headed out to the cafe that they had planned to meet. He didn’t have to wait long, as Rachel showed up soon after he did.  

“Hey Logan, you weren’t waiting long were you?”

“Not at all, should I order us drinks?”

“Sounds great,” Rachel beamed putting her stuff down.  “I’ll go to the bathroom while you’re doing that.  Get me a hot chocolate, I’m not really one for caffeine.”

Logan nodded, ordering the drinks as she headed to the bathroom, slipping something into Rachel’s while no one else was looking before heading back to their table and putting their drinks down.

Rachel soon came out.  “So do you know where you might have seen him?”

“Well I’m going to have to think about,” Logan said as he watched Rachel take a sip of her cocoa and started a mental timer.  “I think it was about a month ago.”

“You saw him a month ago,” Rachel asked, a little too excited, “That’s so much sooner than anyone else has seen him!”

Logan smiled a bit.  “Well let me see if I can remember where.”

Logan kept listing places, with Rachel scribbling them down until he noticed Rachel struggling to keep focus.  

“Hey you don’t look so good, maybe you should head home.

Rachel nodded, starting to stand up before she stumbled again.  “....I don’t think I’ll make it home,” she muttered, her words slurring.

“Well then I can take you home,” Logan hummed, “What’s your address?”

Rachel muttered something incoherent as Logan started ‘taking her home’.  Of course, that wasn’t necessarily her home.  Before too much longer she fell unconscious and Logan picked her up, a little surprised with how light she was, as he started walking home.

It didn’t take too long for them to get back and quickly injected her with the tracker he injected all of them with and quickly set that so he’d be alerted if she tried to leave or anything like that.  As soon as that was set up he brought her to the others.

“What did you do to her,” Virgil practically shouted upon seeing Rachel.

“Oh calm down Virgil, it was only something to keep her unconscious a bit.  She’ll wake up soon.”  Logan put her down on one of the beds and as soon as Logan stepped away, Virgil ran up to her to make sure she was okay.

“I’ll come back to check on you later,” Logan said with a smile as he left.  Virgil just growled at Logan, trying to protect his sister.  Logan just smiled, needing to get everything else ready for when she woke up. Well, technically most of it would be coming tomorrow but he still needed to get it ready.  He wanted his Collection to be happy after all.  He kept an eye on the time for when he knew Rachel would be waking up.  

Once the time approached, he got up and headed back over.  Sure enough, Rachel was starting to stir.  Virgil started glaring at Logan as he showed up, to which Logan only responded with a smile.

“...Virge,” Rachel asked quietly, starting to sit up.  It was almost like if she was afraid if she spoke louder he’d be gone.

And just like that, Virgil turned away from Logan to pay attention to his sister.  “I’m right here Ray, I’m so sorry.”

Rachel practically tackle hugged Virgil and sniffled a bit.  “You’re okay, you’re really okay.”

“Depends what you mean by okay,” Virgil muttered, glaring a bit at Logan again.

Rachel noticed and finally got a good look at their surroundings.  He watched as her eyes glanced around the room, which he made sure had things for all of them to do, before her eyes landed on him and she realized what happened.  “...Logan you….drugged me?”

“I’m sorry, but I needed to grab you quickly, and besides, now you’re reunited with Virgil,” Logan said.

Logan could practically see the moment she realized.  “You….you were the one who took him.”

“He was just a perfect addition to my collection, just like you.”

Virgil clung tighter to his sister as Logan said that.

“Now I’m sure the others can explain everything to you, but the most important thing.  As long as you listen to me, you won’t get hurt.”  Upon saying that, Logan walked away, hearing Patton starting to explain everything to Rachel.  

And with that Logan went back to his normal schedule….at least for the next 3 weeks.  Once Rachel had been there for three weeks, just when Logan was about to go to bed, he got an alert.  

He glanced over to see who it was.  It looked like it was Virgil and Rachel.  Logan sighed and got up to check on the situation.  Fortunately, they weren’t anywhere close to the door so Logan headed to a good place to meet up with them, hoping the situation was like he thought it was.

Soon enough, they showed up, Virgil all but pulling his sister along.  Rachel glanced around looking scared and actually freezing upon seeing Logan standing there.  

Virgil growled upon seeing Logan.  “I’m not going to let you keep us here.”

“Did Patton and Dee never tell you about the twins?”

“The twins,” Rachel asked quietly.

“They are part of Collection too, but they tried to escape, and...let’s just say they’re not with everyone else.”

Virgil realized the implication and pulled Rachel behind him, protecting her.

“Now you have two options.  You two can either go back to the others and have a small punishment in the morning, or you can fight me and lose, and find out firsthand what exactly happened to the twins.”

“Virge I-,” Rachel said, clearly terrified.

“Well I choose option 3, I knock you out and get my sister and me out of here,” Virgil’s voice softened before speaking to Rachel.  “Don’t worry Ray, I got this.”

Logan just smirked, prepared to fight.

Rachel nodded slightly and stepped back, not wanting to get caught up in the fight.

“Let’s do this,” Virgil growled, immediately lunging at Logan.

Logan sighed and literally just stepped to the side and avoided him.  “You know you’re going to have to try harder than that,” he said with a scoff.

Virgil just growled again and changed into a fighting stance before going into attack.

Logan easily fought back.  He was almost a little bored with how easy this was.  “I’ll give you one last chance to go back to the others, Virgil.”

“Fuck no,” Virgil hissed, still trying, and failing, to knock Logan out.  Not that knocking him out would have stopped him anyways with the chips in their arms.  

“So be it,” Logan sighed grabbing an encyclopedia from the desk and while Virgil was distracted, he swung with all his might, making sure to hit him in the temples.

Logan smiled a bit as Virgil crumpled to the ground and he checked for a pulse.  Had to make sure he was dead first after all. First, he held his hand up to Virgil’s nose and mouth.  No breathing.  Good.  Logan then checked for a pulse and smirked.  Just one last check.  He grabbed a penlight from his desk and shined it in Virgil’s eyes.  No reaction from either pupil.  Perfect he was dead in every way that mattered.  

Upon hearing a sob from the doorway to the room, Logan remembered Virgil wasn’t the only one there besides him.  He got up and Rachel flinched and stumbled back.  “P-please I-I'll go b-back.  I-i don’t w-want to d-die.”

Logan only smiled, leaning down to Rachel’s height and caressing her cheek. “Oh I know, you were just following your brother’s terrible decisions, weren’t you?”

Rachel nodded, possibly from fear, but to Logan that didn’t matter.

“Let’s take you back Rachel,” Logan said with a smile, trying to hide Virgil’s body from her.  It didn’t matter that she had tried to leave as well., she needed time to process before seeing that.

Rachel nodded softly, letting Logan lead her back.  Logan smiled a bit as she was brought back to the others.

“Rachel,” Patton asked, shooting up in worry, “Oh thank goodness you’re okay!  Wait...where’s Virgil?”

That one question and Rachel broke down in a sob.

“Patton, you can make the next couple of meals,” Logan said, “I’m going to up late tonight with a project.”

Both Patton and Dee paled slightly upon hearing that.  “Alright Lolo,” Patton said, moving to comfort Rachel.

And with that Logan set off to get to work.  He needed to at least get the basic stuff down today before the body started rotting. He picked up Virgil’s body and brought it over to the same place he had worked on the twins’ bodies and quickly got to work.  Once he had finished the basic work, gotten rid of everything he didn’t need, and preserved the skin so it wouldn’t dry out, Logan headed to the bed for the night.

It took about a month to finally finish, with breaks to get the stuff he needed to get done and to check on the rest of his collection.  Once done, he moved it to the same place as the twins.

He figured Rachel would want to see what happened so he came to get her.

“Lolo please,” Patton said, knowing what Logan had planned, after all, he had shown the two of them after he finished with the twins, “No one deserves to see that.”

“Just consider this….a punishment for trying to escape.”

Patton nodded and turned to Rachel, who was hiding a bit behind Patton.  It seemed like she was a little scared of him now.  Not that he could blame her.

“Logan’s not going to hurt you, he’s just going to show you something.  And we’ll be right here when you get back,” Patton told Rachel softly.

Rachel nodded, mutely getting up and following Logan.  

Logan smiled a bit as he led her to the room.  “I just thought you’d like to see what became of Virgil.”

Rachel glanced up at him in confusion as they arrived at the room and Logan gestured inside.  He let Rachel walk inside first and waited until he heard her drop to the ground before following her in.

Rachel had dropped to her knees and was just staring up at the taxidermy of Virgil Logan had worked so hard on.  

“You don’t have to worry about any of this as long as you don’t try to escape again,” Logan said, “And listen to what I say.”

Rachel nodded mutely.

Logan smiled and brought him back to the others.

Most people collected objects, but Logan collected people.  So what if that made him different.  It’s not like he was doing anything wrong as long as he kept them happy.

[mingi-bubu]

Watch “Flower of Evil“ with Me!

Episode 7

hiiii

welcome back to another post of me thirsting over joongi and hojoon and jiwon-jiejie !

last episode we had to see that jiwon-unnie now knows about what joongi has been up to and hiding from her

i have my ramen, i have my water, my laptop is plugged in

as the man who literally cannot catch a break mark lee would say, lezgeddit

joonngi is post accident in ‘05 laying in someone else’s bed

i can only assume it was the

HIM AND FUCKING TAKING OUT IVS I SWEARR TO GOD

lmao i think i have the same bedframe at home lakjdjfdk

AND I THINK ITS THE STYLE THAT ZHOUMI USED IN STARRY NIGHT KOR VERSION

oh

wait

isnt this

isOH FUCK IT IS

THIS IS JOONGI’S PARENTS HOUSE THO IM ASSUMING THAT THEYRE LYING FOR SOME REASON

i mean we know they are but

he said we grabbing shit now lads

oop-

WAHT

WAIT I THOUGHT JOONGI’S MOM WAS REALLY HIS MOM WHAT THE FUCK

oh no jiwon...

baobei...

oh he’s back now

OH IS THAT A SHOULDER I SEE *EYES EMOoh s

OH FUCK

THEY

OH

SHIT

FUCK

AND

GODDAMN

SHE

WHOOO BOY

CONGRATS TO THE BOTH OF YOU

thats uhhhh

thts a lot of breathing there bud

what thin

FUCK PLEASE

OH SHIT

O H  S H I T

bro

collar bones

“slept in” 8:55 i

i mean

it something deffo did get released last night

show the front

why is he so red what

she put a tracker in it huh

if she didnt shes foolish

is that a juiscer?

AWEHHHH EUNHA LOOKS SO CUTEEEEEE

THE LIL PIGGY TAILS OMG

joongi and i are *eyes emoji*

the avoidance but the truth ugh her mind

an icon

eunhaaaa!!!! favorite character only

who the fuck is everyone else we only know fuck i dont remember joongi’s last name in this show

park?

no

FUCK THAT’S RIGHT ITS BAEK

anyways baek eunha only character i care about

not at how i was deffo ready to write cha

oh tractor supply was kinda fun to go in when i went with my friend last year

anyways back to the show

YEAH JIWON I WANT TO KNOW TOO

I WANT TO KNOW WHY THEY ARE TOO

omg her background is flower of evil

oh no

is

oh okay we back in time

ok ok ok

oh i sure do hope that the cleaning lady/witness was able to keep her i.d. a secret

oohhhh reporter-nim cleaned up nice

OH FUCK THATS HORRIFYING 

jesus thats terrifyign

oh shit her liscense was revoked too

oh it’s joongi’s sister

the fact that i just realized that jiwon unnie hasnt met joongi’s sister as an in-law but as a suspect instead

yikes

who is the second guy i dont lilke this

i want to keep so many of these characters safe gOD

oh shit

we said blood

oh he replacing the lcok

i just love her phone so

FOOD CHANNELS LOVE ITTTT

DATEU FUCK

THEATS SO DORKY HES SUCH A DORK

but it’s not a dateu is it :(

show me joongi earrings PLEASE HE HAS THE PIERCING HOLES JUST SHOW ME WITH HIM WEARING THEM

@ anyone who’s further ahead of me please tell me it happens

oh dear god

this uh

i uh

ive never wanted to see something less than drunk karaoke with reporter-nim and his boss

announcemtn?

colgate is trying to tell me something about my teeth huh

bold of them to assume >:~[

oh his social media followers

200k

nice bud

aldskfjlasdk chanting wait a minute im sick

and joongi said Oop

jesus reporter-nim

you act like he hasdnt have you tied up but weeks ago

oh jesus joongi....baobei...

reporter-nim took back his trust

ofc its going to glass

LETTUCE AND PEPPER ROBBERIES I LOVE IT

look at hojoon looking like a snack a half im so in loveee

wht a dorky lil man

im poropisg

choi is gonna say ist bs

wehh?

cutekajf;aksdjf LETTUECE WRPAS

jiwon said  y e e t

perks of being a cop i guess

oh baby joongi is lying isnt he

ew

dude

:/

didnt like that part of this show

fuck seeing the blood is better than hearing joongi fake dad cut his nails

YOU LEFT A LOOSE END DUMDUM SUCKER BOY

damn does no one trust him in this fucking town

JESUS

damn fake!dad said it’s parenting time

two people have told him they dont trust him in the span of like 12 hours christ

i saw the spoler gifs too so i know [redacted] happens as well

oh fuck

literally just like???

leave the country???

yeah you better fukcign look after jiwon and eunha you dick

joongi lips pink i

please let me see the earrings

E W FEET I HATE IT

OH SHIT THE SISTER

ALSDKFJASLDK THE BOSS IS SO FUNNY

you look like shit bud

it his exxxx

lmaoooooo

FUCKING COMMERICALS I WANTED THE OCMEDY BREAK

FIRST LOVE HOLY SHIT

17 YEARS OH MY GOOD GOD

boss lady said on god we gon get you that respect

lil joongi’s answers sound very rehearsed

just saying

like obviously thats supposed to be the point im guessing but still

yes

show all the videos

oh geez

and she has access to it now

O.O

we are looking intently

OH OH THERE IT IS

WITH THE MF KEYCHAIN AND EVERYTHING

WAIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING

oh hojoon

its okay i will give you attention

let us hear what the tape is

blease

is that evens till working?

oh dear

rip widow?

oh this uhhhhh

this is incredibly awkward

OH HEEJIN SHNAPPED BACK UGH I LOVE IT FOR HER

at least i think that’s her name

her vibe

oops i guess she doesnt pass the vibe check

oh FUCK

she really said i am shutting you down

ggirl just like tell him to get over it

FIRED????

ew creeps

EW CREEP

literally calm the fuck down bro

its her decison not yours

*insert eye rolling gif*

theres something in the background of the acocomplice audio

v rhythmic

oh and we are back to the old boss of joongi

oh shit

that’s a grip

oh HSIT

WAHT IS ON IT

ok me too mr owner guy

what favor

oh eunha!!!

pharmacy grandmother aldkjfalksjd

yaaassss

cha-ssi is my favorite she said its payback time but in a subtle way ugh the cha women and their minds

i need everyone to understand that atm i dont necessarily care if i get the naming conventions right

OH M GYODN ALDKFJADSKJ

eunha zip up your backpack

shes so cuteeee hhhhh

i want to squish her lil dumpling cheekies

too advanced alkdfj;asldkj

ma’am

get her a new fucking workbook

egg tarts work too i suppose

i just realized i can look up on line ‘lee joon gi earrings’

i feel like i know that noise too

its almost like....a clock?

a fucked up clock?

oh shit

shes here as detective cha not as jiwonnie

oh fuck

man’s got to leave the country now :~/

O.O

me and joongi are O.O rn

he is not good at hiding his reactions anymore yinks

yoinks

and yankes

oh god

oh god her internoal monologe is

scary

oh god

do his designs be keep the FUCK THEY DO BE KEEPING THE SAME LOOK SIRRAH

yes the fuck you can

MA;AM

THIS UHHHH

IS FORCING PEOPLE TO RELIVIE THEIR TRAOUMAE

MADAME I AM ASKKING YOU TO NOT FORCE PEOPLEINTO THIS

shes

i dont like it here anymore

i want my old jiwon joongi relationship back

EGGTART TIME YAY EUNHAAA

alkdfj;laskdjf;laksdjf;lkasjdf joongi mom looks so unhappy

eunha and her lil chubby cheekies

aslkdfjals;dk she said i dont want dad to scold you what a cuteie babie

that is uh

oddly out of character

i love that jg mami is essentially now the rosa “i’ve only had __ for x minutes” meme

you arent????  a police officer????

not ambiotous???

man look at the road

ugh i know they cant just be open about anything but GOD A LITTLE MORE COMMUNICATION WOULD HELP HERE I THINK

this is

awkward

poor heejin

bro this is not your uhhhhh

this is not a date

jesus christ this is uncomfy

oh god *rolls eyes*

please stop

i am

cringing

this needs to end right now plEASE GET MY GIRL OUT OF THIS SITUATION

I NEED HER TO LEAVE

yikes

that is so awkward

thats bold of you to assume

oh is

is heejin the OH MY GOD IS SHE

OH MY GOD

WH

W H A T

OH FUCK

SHIT

AND GODDAMN

MY JAW IS LITERALLY DROPPED

cant we just have one good fucking relationship dynamic on this stupid show

no one lives there anymore

hey guess what

thats ominous as fuck

that means you should go back in the car and forget all of this

weh?

was ist das?

did their mom not be part of this?

ew i cant stand that man

but his hair is a good style i will say that

their house used to look so cute too

i feel so bad for himmmm

:(

google search how to wrap fictional characters up in a blanket and give them hearty soup until they feel better

and arent being physically brought back to their traumatic places by their wife

when am i going to see jiwonnie again im sick of dect cha

i mean thats uhhh

thats a turtle

‘very amature’

i mean....we knows that

commercials i

please hes being such a good actor at being a bad actor i want to see this

ok we back

fuckig

just say you know

theyre going to the basement arent they

aiyah of course they are

shes

SHE

I THOUGHT THAT

WHAT

ARENT????  GUNS NOT USED?

nevemrind i just remembered choi

and hojoon

i am boo boo the fool

hm

trauma epicenter here we be

:) HATE it here

god shes being

like okay i know obviously she has her reasons

but i am unfortunately super biased towards joongi...

so im like

:(

i HTAE THIS

oh shit

is that what the recording was

wa sthat his mom?

god my boy

baobei......

PLEASE STOP BRINGING UP APST TRAUMAS

WE ARE GOING TO HAVE LIKE???  COUPLES THERAPY OR SOMETHING AFTER THIS IS SOLVED RIGHT???

BC LIKE?

WHY WOUDL YOU STAY WITH SOMEONE WHO DOES THIS?

my guess is either the mami died and that killed something in the dad or the dad killed her

CAN WE STOP PSYCHOLOGICALLY DOING THINGS LIKE THIS PLEASE I DEEPLY DO BE HATING TINGS

god he is literally trying so hard

oh fuck

thats uh

that doesnt look well

oh hes gonna ralph ???

i really hate this

oh he is

yO WHAT THE FUCK

PANIC ATTACKS FUCK I DO HAT EIT HERE

LITERALLY LIKE YES

YES YOU DID

LADY BUT LIKE

FUCKING BRINGING PEOPLE TO THEIR SOURCE OF TRAUMA IS

HIGHLY

NOT GOOD

IM SO STRESSED OUT FUCK

IM SORRY JIWON-SSI BUT YOU ARE NOW ON MY LESS GOOD BOOKS

and before nyone says anythign i would be saying this if it was like heejin or reporter-nim or like someone random

you shouldnt fucking do this to peopel

OH IT WAS A TEMPLE I KNEW I FUCKING RECOGNIZED THE SOUND

oh?  is the ex-boss the acocmplixe?

probs not but wow would it be spicey if he were

aint nobody sleeping in that house peacefully EXCEPT MY GIRL EUNHA

literally bro just escape to some province in china its fine

oh thats what that gifset was about

does their bed not have sheets on it?

what the fuck???

yeah no one is sleeping

and we cut to reporter-nim

heejin...i literally have a list of people who need to be wrapped in blankets and the do siblings are at the top of this list

FUCK HER NAME IS HAESOO WHO THE FUCK IS HEEJIN THEN

i HAETE my brian

i FUCKING KNEW THERE WAS A TRACKER IN IT DIDNT I FUCKING CALL IT

i mean like yeah we knew it was going to happen but

he was so cute then lets go back to cute unstressed joongi

WHEN THE FUCK DID IT TURN TO FOUR THIRTY IN THE MORNING WHAT

OH FUCK OAY I DIDNT ERALIZE

thank go we’re at the end

STOP NO PLEASE DONT BREAK UP I STILL (regretatbley) HAVE FAITH IN Y’ALL’S RELATIONSHIP

anyways that’s the end of the episode we are all feeling it now mr crabs

i am old man screaming at clouds .jpeg rn and i jst want to go back to the beginning where they were cute and in love plesse

anyways thank you for reading!!!

stay safe and stay healthy<333

[therookiewriterhere]

Changes-Chapter 7

"College," Harry stretches; his head now rests on Peter's shoulder. "What good is it for?"

"A lot of things, actually. To me, it shows how intelligent, hard-working, and a go-getter you are."

"Thanks, babe." Harry blow Peter a kiss. Who still does that Romeo shit? "Guess who I saw last night?"

"Let me guess." Peter rolls his eyes before he states the name. "Ryan Reynolds?"

"Who?" Harry shakes his head. "No! Someone real! That cute blonde girl you like."

The image of Gwen causes Peter to choke. Harry slaps Peter on the back. 

"You do like her? Don't deny it. I just know!"

"How?" Peter squeaks.

"How?" Harry smirks. "You are a book: easy to read and deeper than most people know."

"So why did you bring her up?"

"She was in the tour. She will attend ESU too."

"No way!"

"Bad news for you, Peter. Turns out she is with an older man." Harry huffs. "Lucky bastard."

"I think Gwen is her name." Peter shyly admits.

"No. I think it was Mary Jane."

"Mary Jane? No way. That blonde server had one name."

"I am sure it is Mary Jane."

"That's a name for redheads!"

"No. That girl was definitely blonde."

Speaking of her, the blonde girl happens to file her nails at this very moment. She is also in Norman's office. Norman's face fumes with rage. 

"You didn't do anything about Spider-Man?" Norman shouts. "You were the perfect double agent!"

Wanda crosses her arms. "Spider-Man covers his tracks well!"

"You couldn't flash him or something?" 

Wanda drops her mouth open. "And lose my civilian job?" Wanda raises her middle finger at Norman. 

"Gwen is a stupid name you picked too. Sounds like a bitch who would secretly have twins with an older tycoon guy and get killed by him so she doesn't get his fortune."

"You got a better plan?"

"Nope. I stopped having fun 3 chapters ago."

"What do you mean?"

"Look, I know someone who could probably do the job better." Wanda hands Norman a card. "Give him a try." 

"How do you know this guy will find information on Spider-Man?"

"It is better than what you have planned right?"

"Right." Norman pauses. "I'll set up an interview with him."

"I'd love to stay, but I got my own problems." Wanda teleports away. Who knows when we will see her again.

Deadpool heads toward Oscorp. He crumbles the smelly hipster note and groans. Deadpool looks around at the building, a horrible feeling development in his gut  He makes a mental reminder to kill that hispter for this vague plot development.

'This Oscorp office looks like an evil lair.'

'Not very homey.'

"And this is where I come in?" Deadpool spins in the swivel chair. "You need someone to get the job right?"

"Yes. I heard you are one of the best."

"And who is the fucker you want me to take out?"

Deadpool hands Writer the stolen notes right under the table. With a sneer, Writer snatches the notes out of his filthy hand. Writer clutches its new notebook. Deadpool peeks over his shoulder. When he does, Deadpool howls in laughter.

Writer raised an eyebrow at such reaction.

"I love you!" Deadpool howls louder. He kisses the Writer's head. "Just this second! Keep writing!"

Now that plot twist is out of the way, let's see how Peter took the news.

Peter sips his water. "Typical Parker luck."

"You can't help what happens in life. Sometimes what you planned out wouldn't work out once you go through with it." Harry adjusts Peter's glasses. "Now I have you all to myself." 

"Is that why you bought me whatever I want today?"

"Does it help you ease the pain?"

"Come on, Harry." Peter chuckles. "I barely know her."

"Well, excuse me, princess." Harry chuckles. "Anything interesting happened to you lately?"

"Define interesting." 

Harry enters the word in his phone. "Interesting: arousing curiousity or interest; holding of catching the attention."

"I didn't mean it literally!" Peter playfully punches Harry in the shoulder. "You're so funny!"

'Is that what he calls it?' Voice 1 says. Wait a minute, Writer notes to itself. Isn't it Spider-Man who has that tracker? Writer checks frantically again.

"I have to ask you something, Harry."  

"Yes! I will go the prom with you!" 

"What a joker." Peter grins.

"Okay. What is it?"

"How did you know you were interested in guys?"

"Did you think I choose to like both guys and girls?" Harry raises an eyebrow. "It's not like I am some sitcom character in a love triangle. Or a badly written fanficton."

"N-No. I just need some closure." 

"Of course." Harry puts his arm on his shoulder. "I think I always knew."

"Always knew?"

"Yeah. But I finally admitted it to myself when I enter college. You learn a lot about yourself when you go to college."

"And how exactly did you find out?"

Harry shakes his head, gritting his teeth and holding back tears. "This is the first time any guy asked me that! Most of them just suck dick now and ask questions later."

Peter only takes another sip of water to hide his fidgets. He asks cooly. "Sorry you had such bad luck."

"It's not like your Parker luck rubbed off before me or something."

"Are you too scared to tell me?"

"Tell you what?"

Harry makes strong eye contact with Peter. "Why do you want to know so badly? Are you scared?"

"No. I,"

"Because I am older than you. So of course, I had others. That doesn't mean my feelings for you aren't strong. I just want to make that clear to you."

"This is about me. I," Peter adjusts his glasses.

"Kissed a guy? And enjoyed it?"

Peter nods. "How did you guess? Are you spying on me?"

Harry gives a sexy smirk. "I was once you. 18, fresh out of high school, played some beer pong, kissed a guy, enjoyed it completely sober."

Deadpool yawns. "Can you do me a solid, you useless hipster writer thing? Wanna hack into Spidey's phone?"

'Pocket dial would be more logical.'

'Great idea! But how will we do that? Does it happen?'

Oh. It happens. And it will. Huh. Deadpool has a Manhatten area code. Never would of guessed. Looks like the number in the notes is completely useless. Good thing I forgot what it is. That hamster ringtone. Inside joke, sorry.

"Hold on, Hipster. I got a call from Baby Boy."

As the pretentious bastard rubs its hands together, it is about to say something. 

"Shut up. I know just what to say."

Peter slips his cellphone out of his pocket to check the time. To his horror, his phone dialed a "random" number. 

"Hello, Baby boy!"

Peter lets out a gasp. Dramatic enough for Harry to notice.

"Is that the guy you were talking about?" Harry whispers in Peter's ear. 

"You saved my number! I never would have guessed!" Deadpool attempts to make a joke. 

"I must have called you by mistake. Pocket dial or whatever it's called."

"Mistake?" Deadpool stretches out his leg much to Writer's horror. What guy can raise his leg so high? "Are you trying to tease me?"

Peter holds up his index finger towards Harry. He starts to walk to the bathroom. "Just my luck for this to happen."

"Did you miss me? I missed you so much."

"Already."

"Already."

"I don't know what to say."

"You can say my name."

Peter chokes on his tongue. "What kind of request is that?" 

"I just get off by the sound of your voice screaming my name until the end of time."

The Writer, for once, has a sense of humor. It punches Deadpool in the shoulder with a big smile on its face. It nearly dies from laughter. But it can't because that is against wingman rules. 

'We are naughty boys, yes we are.'

At this point, this is a sitcom! With some version of an ongoing plot. Think about it. Or some anime. There is barely anything to write. Someone help me. Look at all the lovely, pointless filler. 

Most readers can obviously tell and this is what makes this fanfiction so sad.

All because we hate to read what goes on in Spider-Man's thoughts! Didn't you notice that we mostly saw Deadpool's mindset so far? Stop it. Stop it, you sadistic bastard! No, you calm down!

"Baby boy?" Deadpool's voice cracks. His mind begins to think the worst. What is happening right niw?

Nothing. That is what Spider-Man always does: nothing. This might have broke Deadpool. Just a little. And endless frustration to the Writer. Deadpool doesn't need a wingman because of his fucking ugliness, it is because Spider-Man is too much of an emotional coward to go through with romance. This is slowly killing me. But the amazing Deadpool doesn't give up easily."

"Don't make me sing." Deadpool teases.

"Oh, pickles. Please don't sing."

"You must really want my sexy singing, baby boy."

'We don't know what to do anymore!'

'Why are we even doing all of the work?" 

'Maybe we should sing! Even if we sound like a dying goat!'

'Anything to get Spider-Man to say our name.'

Oh God, even the voices are freaking out. Nothing could make this any better. 

"Deadpool?" Writer fearfully glances at Deadpool. 

"Friendly neighborhood Spider-man." Deadpool whispers soft. Even the voices in his head could barely hear. 

Am I the only one who thinks of Mr. Rogers when ya hear that? The image of that.

Forget about the song. It's funnier with the song. Spider-Man enters in your house. He changes his clothes to put on more clothes. He switches his funny looking old man shoes to even funnier looking elf shoes. 

Oh. Look at that. Deadpool is on a swing while he dons a dress and a bonnet.

Did I ever mention I wanted my notes back? Did we ever write that Deadpool handed the notebook back? Because all I see is this one sentence. That's all the notebook says. It's full but it only has one thing in it. It scares me. A lot.  

It only says this.

All work and no play makes Deadpool a dull boy. 

Don't ask why. It is just scary. 

'Deadpool.' Peter thinks in his head. 

'Deadpool.' His worry makes the fear even worse.

'SAY SOMETHING.' The voices cry. To Peter, not Wade. Despite that they are in Deadpool's head.

"If I know your real name, it would be easier!" Peter cries.

"I think he's ready to crack.' Voice 1 says 

"I think we got him to fall in love with us.' says Voice 2.

Why is there another random transition? Fuck! Deadpool's mindset is a mess. That song. Oh no. Deadpool thinks this is like the Mickey Mouse musical where the girl has gotta go her own way.

Writer smacks Deadpool in the head. Blood gushes from his head from the impact. All this does is make Deadpool cry. Not even manly tears. This is hard to stomach. 

"All I wanted was a loving relationship!" Deadpool cries to Writer. Peter also happens to hear Deadpool's tears Deadpool cries harder. 

"But you can't even give me that! Here I thought was something amazing happening and all I do is fuck it up, right?"

"Deadpool!" Peter finally says his name. "Please don't cry."

"Yeah, you look even uglier when you do." Writer whispers that only Deadpool can hear.

"Are you okay? Are you still there?" 

"My name is Wade."

"Huh?"

"My name is Wade, baby boy."

"Wade? Why does that sound familiar? Hah. Sounds like Slade."

"Funny!" Deadpool says with sarcasm. "Never heard that shit before. Insert sarcastic wit here. I wanna know. What's your name?"

"Do I have to say it?"

"I said it first."

"My name is Martin." Writer shares.

"Martin? I thought it was Wade!"

'This is going nowhere.' The completely done voices say. 

"Let me guess! Harry, Flash, Martin, Edward, Christian, Homer, Eric, Aladdin, Ferris, Cameron, Leo, Mickey, Donald, Donny, Mikey, Raphel, Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Tony, Bruce, Clark, Peter. Am I hitting the ballpark?"

"You got mine." Writer says under his breath.

"You're a stalker, Wade"

"And you're a dork!"

Peter nervously laughs. "I am not a dork! I can be cool!"

"Uh huh. That little piggy snort that is your laugh will get my dick wet and hard. Spider-Hamm really gets me off."

"Oh yeah! Well, I don't like your shoes."

"What's wrong with my shoes?"

"They look like you stole them from Claire's."

Writer falls from its seat. Its face turns completely pink. A huge smile is glued to its face. Sick burn. What will Deadpool say next?

"Deadpool, are you watching Peanuts?"

"Why?"

"I can hear Snoopy laugh for some reason. Is your TV broken too?"

"Yeah." Deadpool smacks Writer's head in vain. "He's a cute little dog. Anyway, if you're free, do you want to hang out later?"

"Hang out? With you?"

"It's too late to say we're not dating. We kissed and held hands and cuddle. But in your case, it doesn't have to be a date."

"What makes you say that? What's wrong with a date with me?" 

"Ah, to be young again. I know that you're not ready for a relationship."

"I can handle a relationship! I am smarter than most 18 year olds I know." 

"You have school, duties, family, and other things more important than me. I understand."

'what are we doing?' says one voice.

'Reverse psychology.' says two voice.

"You think you can make my decisions for me?"

"I never said that."

"If I want to end things with you, I will tell you myself! I don't need to make you figure it out!"

"What's the holdup?" Harry walks in the bathroom.

Writer cheers in anticipation. Not that anyone can hear it. 

"Baby boy, who is there?"

Writers cheers louder. Still nobody can hear it. Or didn't notice.

'Drama!'

'Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!'

"N-Nothing! I'll be right there!"

"Everyone can hear you outside with the door closed."

"Sorry."

"You're mean!" Deadpoool shouts. "Are you cheating on me? If you are, I'll break his legs!"

"No, you won't!"

"You're right! I'll chop off his dick and nail it on the ceiling!!"

"Are you insane?"

"What do you think?"

"Douchepool," Writer rolls its eyes. "Do you ever think before you say anything?"

"You accuse me of cheating? Yeah, you love me so much, alright. I bet you say that to everyone you meet!"

"Baby boy, why the fuck are we even fighting?"

"Why do you think we are fighting?"

"We're not suppose to fight until 3 weeks in a relationship!"

"We're not even a couple!" 

"And why do you say we're not? Is it because I haven't sucked your dick yet?"

"And another thing, stop telling everyone we are a couple! It is getting on my nerves!"

"All the bad guys think we're a couple! So that should say something to you, Baby boy!"

"We are not a couple. We are not dating. We have never dated. And we are never, ever going to be in a relationship! I know you and I know you will never change your disgusting ways!"

"Why?" Deadpool's voice breaks.

"Because!"

"No! Why do you say that? After everything you told me?"

Writer shrugs its shoulders.

"You say that you want to help me be a hero, that I'm amazing, and I am the only person who is on your side! Nobody gives a fuck about your side of the story! If anyone has ever been there for you, it is me!"

"Who are you to say what I've been through?"

"And who are you to say that I will never change?"

"What made you crack? Jealous that I am such a stud?"

"Stud? You? With that baby face! With that gap between your teeth? You must be dreaming!"

"Like you are all that!"

"You're the one that chased me for the past 2 years! So I must be somewhat of a stud."

"Maybe I just have shitty taste!"

"Wow! I never would have guessed!"

"Baby boy, you just insulted yourself."

Harry softly sighs upon hearing the commotion. "Poor Peter. Into that drama."

"You!" Deadpool strangles Writer. "This is your fault!"

"How is it my fault?" Peter asks.

"Was everything a lie? Were you just toying with my emotions?"

"Who are you to say-" Peter stammers.

"Am I just your doll that you play with and throw away the next day? Do you get off on giving me hope?"

"What are you talking about? Listen to me right now, Wade." Peter shouts. "You're the one that plays with my heart! Play Romeo. You think you're that all just because a few people say you are!"

"Oh, I can't get a little jealous? If I ran to my ex, you'd swing your way and stare out the window."

Is it too late to give up? Should we just let them be?

"He's just a friend!"

"What kind of friend talks like that?"

"Like what?"

"I heard how he flirts with you! Don't tell me you're that fucking dumb!"

'Boy. That escalted quickly.'

'I thought they'd be a happier couple.'

"You're just jealous!" 

"What's wrong with being jealous?"

"From your tone, I think you are going to break in my house and kill me!"

"I would never do that to you!"

"What makes me so special? You'll do it to anyone else, so you'll do it to me."

Deadpool grows speechless, stunned by the declaration. The only way he could get through to Peter is to open up. "Do you really want to know?" 

"What are you talking about?" 

"You're right, you know. I have done horrible things. I fit the criteria for a villian than a hero. But goddamn it, you make me want to be better."

"You can't expect me to believe that,"

"I'm not. I have my issues, and maybe everyone hates me." Deadpool begins to sob. "But if you believe in me, I will keep trying."

Deadpool gazes upon his Hello Kitty watch. "Sorry, baby boy. The interview starts soon. Can we talk later?" 

Peter hesitates at the possibility. Slowly, he gathers his thoughts together for an answer. There are two he can choose. One that is logical and cautious. The other that is reckless and emotional. The smart choice and the desirable choice. 

"Yes. Meet me on top of the roof above ESU. I can't wait to see you.

[in-tua-deep]

tua s1 rewatch with my roommate

episode one (I forgot for the first episode oops):

I have been treated to pictures of a lovely cosplay of Klaus who won a cosplay contest my roommate was in !!

Klaus putting his arm in front of Five during the funeral fight is good shit

“I have heard like nothing about Vanya” “yeah that’s pretty much how she’s treated in show as well”

“I can see why he’s the fandom favorite” - about Klaus

“Istanbul is in the firST EPISODE?”

I forGOT about the “rapists can climb” line when he breaks into Vanya’s apartment omg but also like,, his dumb arm wound

Episode two:

HERR CARLSON

Aww baby fives first time travel his little smile. Baby. Baby boy. And the dawning horror in the apocalypse baby nO

Five: you got anything stronger

Also five: takes one sip and then fills up more, takes another sip, and then immediately puts it down ?????

The motel dude for hazel and cha cha just looks at them like “yeah these are serial killers” and just rolls with it

Also actually why tf doesn’t the commission spring for better stuff?? Why would they cut costs?? They time travel? They could game the stock market so hard ?????? Give the assassins their own rooms omg

Also why didn’t five like. Crush his tracker. Why did he just leave it whole and intact outside of the Griddys.

Forgot how much I love Agnes

(Oh man it is storming bad here it just BOOMED)

Also idk if Diego actually deserved that taser hmmmmm but also like,, communication lads five was literally right there killing people and Diego is like “hmm something is up here” like. Yeah Diego ur big brother “I can get my sibling in trouble for something” senses are tingling

Wow I really did repress all these Allison and Luther scenes huh. Also it’s still super cute that Allison read Claire moon books

Allison: dads heart gave out, which wasn’t how I was expecting to find out dad had a heart but it tracks

“SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE BEN... said with love 😘”

Did five actually sleep at Vanyas?? The sofa looks undisturbed but he had to wait for work hours to interrogate the meritech people,, five,, please sleep. The whole “IF YOU CALL ME YOUNG MAN ONE MORE TIME” interaction makes more sense with five on. Zero sleep.

I didn’t remember that Patch straight up knows about the umbrella academy oops. Like she clocks Diego as overcompensating for his childhood. Queen

Is that an umbrella adademy Diego cross stitch on Diego’s wall?? Did he buy that? Make it?? Did grace make it?

Vanya, walking into the academy: five??? five? pspspspspsps

Also like. Who was Vanyas therapist??? Clearly they did not help her

Aww the tow truck driver :(

I know the show wants me to dislike Patrick I KNOW,, and I think her fathers funeral is extenuating circumstance?? But still Patrick is valid for not giving an inch regarding his ex who mind controlled his child. Vanya didn’t really deserve Allison snapping at her but like. She had some good points. Allison arguably would have had to deal with vanyas book more than anyone else

Five smiling proudly at Klaus’s drama at meritech bless but also KLAUS DONT BREAK GLASS ON YOURSELF

Me, spotting Leonard: BASTARD

Love how everyone greets Diego in the gym and don’t question all his knives or anything like “yeah that’s Diego he lives here and loves knives :)”

Why could Leonard have not been like. A normal ass guy. Vanya needs friends who sympathize with her holy shit get this person some socialization

Pogo really did have to lead these kids by hand to the recording rooms because literally no one was super invested in reginalds ~murder mystery~

ahafahJAGSJWGAI MY ROOMMATE JUST SAID POGO IS THE BEST CHARACTER SO FAR,,,, I will probably never include pogo in my fics because I do Not Care About Him lmaoooo

Aww five does to see Dolores and being like “it’s been a rough couple of days :(“,,,,, baby,,,, but also tag yourself I’m hazel going “elastic wrist splint yesssssss”

Five I am begging you PLEASE get some sleep

OH FIVE SHAKING DIEGO IN THE APOCALYPSE TO TRY AND WAKE HIM UP OHHHHH OH :(

Episode 3:

my roommate is super faceblind which is an issue bc she identifies people mainly by hairstyle so seeing the s2 stuff on tumblr is tripping her over bc she keeps seeing diego and going ??? who is that again? bc she’s seen his longer hair

okay there is no way that the eggs that grace put in that pan are the ones that ended up on the smiley face breakfast plate,,, but also grace that whole scene was a mood honestly i would be like “okay maybe mom killed dad BUT he deserved it sooooo”

“what the FUCK” - my roommate about cha-cha’s shitty wound care where she holds a curling iron against her arm

i didn’t remember that five got shOT AT THE DEPARTMENT STORE did i just erase that from my memory?? i mean yeah it’s a graze but he stitches it up and then slaps a bandaid on it so he has a wound that needed stitches on his shoulder for the entire show ??????? is he okay???? that would make moving your arm,,, painful,,,,,

a bandaid just slapped over it i’m actively yelling

“Sometimes when I see a million gifs of a show before I watch I get really surprised when they talk but he is exactly what I expected” - my roommate, about five

“I noticed they’ve only really showed diego in really badly lit scenes so far” - my roommate defending her lack of ability to recognize diego

i’m still laughing about pogo literally having to point out the murder tapes and now allison and luther are investigating and just. allison is lowkey defending grace and i’m laughing

“why is he saying woodwork is embarrassing that’s like one of the most middle of the wood hobbies to have. you’re respectable to grandpas who used to carve wooden ducks AND twenty-year-olds who can’t make anything to save their lives” - my roommate on leonard peabody

“i think he’s already crossing some lines he’s met this lady ONCE” - roommate on leonard/vanya

five having flashbacks in the car :(

did allison and luther draw straws for who went to fetch which sibling?? allison was like “dibs on vanya” and luther was just like “aww :(”

five luther and klaus in the van - BOYS NIGHT BOYS NIGHT let’s go pick up diego

“the coat he’s wearing does have a nice swish to it” - roommate about klaus’s coat

luther being like “you’re just as messed up as the rest of us and we’re all you have” like luther,,, baby,,,,, you literally ARE all he has,,,,,, his family is the only thing he’s really cared about since he was thirteen and maybe before then :(

“I can’t tell if those are supposed to be cake or yeast donuts... i think extruded donuts are cake donuts but she said she lets them rise so maybe they’re yeast?” - my roommate focusing on all the things that i do not

sometimes i forget that hazel and cha-cha pretended to be private detectives trying to find a lost child in a potentially dangerous situation,,, five would be disgusted

“she shouldn’t get a vote” “i was gonna say i agree with you” “she should get a vote!!” this is peak sibling energy honestly i think i’ve had that exact interaction with my siblings voting for a movie or something

“hashtag android rights” 

“I want to be the tailor who gets a call one day that says ‘i want you to make clothes for a chimpanzee”

is it telling that only luther in the flashback didn’t really talk to grace at all,, i mean five didn’t either but i think he was gone by that point in the flashback ???? 

wait diego tells grace that she worked for him for thirty years,,, the kids are 29 and later it’s implied she was built bc vanya kept killing nannies when they were like four but maybe s2 clarifies that some more?? or diego just is rounding up

“that’s an interesting fabric to her skirt” - my roommate about grace’s outfit

forgot that hazel and cha cha broke the door to the manor busting in,, do they ever fix that?? we’re only at episode three do they spend the rest of the season with their door open to anyone on the streets

okay that bathtub is WAY too small to allow for klaus to be moving his elbows about like that underwater smh

“how is HE useful on mission??” my roommate about klaus

where is the SECURITY SYSTEM??? luther LITERALLY said that reggie was more paranoid and yet some assassin can just bust down the door and have unrestricted access????? he built a whole ROBOT but no security system????????

“maybe it was like,, practice for the kids? someone breaks in and they take care of it? wait no that doesn’t explain the thirteen years they’ve been gone?”

“why WAS he on the moon?” - about luther

“I want to see what she’s embroidering!!” about grace during the gunfight in the living room she’s absolutely ignoring diego getting shot at

what is a rope-a-dope,,,, diego yells “EVER HEARD OF A ROPE-A-DOPE???” at luther but like. no i haven’t. what does that MEAN diego

aww i forgot they played sinnerman, love that song

“what are you doing dude, rumor has it you’re not shooting at me that’s all you need to do” i mean. the roommate is not wrong. allison could just end the fight with a yell. i understand she’s pissed off and has rumor trauma but like cha cha is actively trying to murder them

how is luther not winning he literally has super strength. does hazel have super strength? just punch the man and knock him out jesus y’all suck at this smh

why is there such intense music we all been knew about luther’s strength - oH HIS BODY

forgot about that

is it allison’s fault that klaus got kidnapped because she didn’t literally just rumor them to give up?? like she literally has that power. she could have been like “i heard a rumor you left and forgot about us” it didn’t even need to be violent?? i understand she has rumor trauma but this i feel is allowable circumstances

diego showing his worry about vanya by getting angry which honestly i think all the siblings do that rip none of these idiots have even heard of healthy communication in their LIVES

you know,, i don’t think vanya can drive. she takes the bus. she took a taxi to leonard’s house. we see her walking a lot. does she know how to drive?? i imagine that the umbrella academy were taught bc of mission related stuff but,,, vanya wasn’t?? that’s just depressing tbh

[catch22inareddress]

My Soldier of Winter: Chapter Three: Seventeen

The next few days consisted of training and trying to get back in some sort of shape. Nat brutalized me and when she wasn't it was Clint. On the third day, I was near collapsing and could barely stand. As my body swayed on the mat in a defense stance I  heard Bucky yell "ENOUGH!" From the door halting everyone from where they stood.

The agents stopped and watched as he stalked across the room towards me. I could barely stand and every muscle ached in my body. Nat spoke up, "It's for her own good. She needs to be prepared." He glared at her instantly shutting her up. My eyes widened at his anger and made something in my body heat at the site of him walking towards me in such a way. On a mission.

"You are going to kill her. She's not like us. She's not an assassin or a super soldier and I'm not going to let you turn her into one. So back the. Fuck. Off." He took my hand and started to lead me off but I couldn't keep up with his pace and he turned around with ease and picked me up bridal style. "I can walk Bucky." He clenched his jaw. " And I can carry you just as well Y/N. I let them do this to you so I'm going to take care of you."

People stared at us and moved out of the way as I hid my face in the crook of his neck from their faces. It felt like we walked by a million employees and friends on the way to my floor.

He took me to the living room and sat me gently on the couch and took off my shoes. I opened my mouth to ask him if he was ok but Tony came storming in my flat yelling my name. "Are you ok? What the hell happened?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "What do you mean?" He paused looking between me and the ex-assassin unlacing my shoes in front me with complete confusion on his face.

" I have people telling me that he was carrying you through the tower. So I say again. What in the hell happened? Weren't you training? Are you hurt?"

Bucky stood up and crossed his arms in a defiant stance. "She's not training anymore Stark. I've seen her fight. She's good. She doesn't need to be brutalized and made into an assassin like Natasha or me. She's better than that. Than any of us. Hell, what are we here for if not to protect her. I can protect her."

Tonys' eyebrows shot up and I just stared at him. "A-a-alright. J-just keep my girl safe. And no hankey Pankey Barnes." He poked Bucky in the chest for show but he was immovable.

Tony smiled at me and left my floor. I smirked and Bucky went back to taking my shoes off but I could see his pink checks from behind his curtain of hair. "What is it, doll?"

I shrugged. "Nothing. Just never had my own assassin as a bodyguard." He walked towards my bedroom. "Ex-assassin. I'm running you a bath." I sat back and laughed. Never thought I'd hear that phrase coming from him.

He came out a few minutes later and helped me up. "Bucky, I'm fine really" I blushed at the thought of him helping me into a bath.  He silently assisted me taking off my shirt and saw all of the bruises on my shoulders and arms from the sparring session. I took off my leggings and he saw the rest of the bruises and the anger on his face was felt in the whole room. I cleared my throat and our eyes met.

"I didn't think I needed to protect you from them." He went to storm out of the room and I grabbed his metal arm and he stopped and looked at me.  "They were-They just want me to be prepared." I steel myself for what I was about to tell him. I just finalized the plan with Fury and Cap this morning, although Nat and Clint knew my intentions for a while. Hence the heavy training. "I'm bait, Bucky. I'm getting a tracker put on me then taken to the base in few days."

He turned his body to face me and stepped closer, towering above me. I bit my lip and avoided his penetrating gaze.

"The only way this ends is to locate the base and destroy the weapon."

He took my face in both of his hands. " Tony can do it. Fuck that."

I tried to shake my head but he held me too tight. Afraid to let me go.  "If something goes wrong then they have what they need to make the weapon.  Trust me. Tony doesn't like it any better than you but he doesn't have a say. Plus I already agreed."

He stepped back and put his hands down. I felt an instant loss from his touch. I could see his barrier going up. The difference between Bucky and the soldier. "Why?  They could kill you?"

"They could kill you, the team or worse, an entire continent...city. How could I say no if I could help end this?"

His brows stitched together and stormed out of the room.  I heard the elevator ding and knew he left the floor. Part me wanted him to be mad because he had found feelings for me over this short time. But the doubt surfaced and settled on the fact that I'm a mission of sorts. His mission is to protect me and I just made it infinitely harder.

I resigned to the bath and wondered how many women he had thoughtfully done this for.

How many women had James Buchanan Barnes taken care of? Somehow jealousy seeped through because I wanted him to be mine.

How do you warm the heart of The Winter Soldier?

BUCKYS POV

The room was closing in on me. I ran. What I'm good at. I left her there. Bruises and all. I knew I needed her from the moment at her house. When we locked eyes the first time. It was like my heart had beat for the first time and the blood in my veins had finally thawed.

Now I could lose her. Fate was a fucking fickle bitch and I hated her.  I've lost everything at some point and I finally found her and I haven't even had a chance to try to be a man that could deserve her or earn her love and this shit happens. Fuck that.  She deserves more than being fucking bait.

I found Steve's office and he had plans laid out on his desk, he stood up to meet me. "Buck, are you ok? What happened?" I saw his body tense. He knew what was coming.

I shook my head at grabbed his shirt and pushed him against the wall.

"You can't have her! She can't risk her life and be the bait, Steve!"  His face instantly fell into remorse and regret. " I know man. I fought hard on this. So did Tony. But she went above us, and Fury is backing her up. We don't have a say. All I can do is make sure that we are prepared."

He didn't fight me. And held his hands up while I held him against the wall trying to control my breathing. After 2 minutes...or hell 10 minutes I finally was able to breathe.

I let go of his shirt and my head fell and he hugged me. "I fell for her."  He let out a small laugh and nodded. " I knew you would. That why I assigned you to watch her, you two need one another. I knew you keep her safe. Does she know?"

We let go and stood back for each other. "No. I'm an asshole. She wouldn't go for me anyway. I'm a shell of a man with nothing to offer someone like her. She could have anyone. She's a Stark. I'm the pathetic mess that sleeps outside her room most nights to make sure she's safe for fuck sake."

I collapsed in the chair in front of Steve's desk while he sat down in front of me and shook his head. "While she's a Stark now she hasn't always been. She's had a pretty shitty life, even with Tony. He's done his best but he's no father figure. We are just as much her family as he is and she needs you Bucky. She needs the man you were and the man you are now."

We both sat in silence staring at each other for a long moment.

Nat poked her head in the office. "Not to break up the girl talk but I know Y/N, I've seen the way she looks at you. Now stop being a winter baby and make a move." She rolled her eyes and came in. "Now if you two are done can we review the plans. We need to make this foolproof. Then you can go woo the Lady, Barnes."

Y/N POV

Hours had passed.

"Friday where is Sergeant Barnes?"

"He is with Agent Romanoff and Captain Rogers in his office going over plans for the upcoming mission. Would you like for me to page him for you?"

I laid on my bed and declined Fridays offer. I reluctantly fell asleep. In a few days, I could lose everything, quite literally and the only person that gives me peace is angry with my choice. What kind of person would I be if I didn't do this though?

I can tell you...a shitty one.

*Time lapse*

I woke up to complete darkness and looked at the clock. 3 A.M. I kicked the covers off and decided to go to the living room and look out the balcony. Sometimes the city lights would lull me into sleep.

I opened my door and saw Bucky leaning up against the wall with his arms crossed and his head down. He was in a tight white shirt and some grey sweatpants. I stood there a moment staring at him wondering what was going on. Had he slept walked out here? From the looks of it he had been out here for some time.

I knelt down and brushed his hair behind his ears. "Buck?" I whispered.

He groaned. "Bucky. Are you ok?" He roused and looked up at me then gauging his surroundings.

"Y-Yeah. I--I must've just fallen asleep." I nodded as I sat across from him. He looked everywhere but my face. I couldn't be sure if it was because of our fight or if he was embarrassed by falling asleep in the hall.

"OK. But can I ask....what were you doing out here."

His eyes met mine for a second and then he looked down the hall.

" I-I feel better if I know you're safe." He paused almost shy and unsure and I could see the flush stain his cheeks.

"I sleep out here quite a bit. It's hard to sleep anyways for me and......" he trailed off so I just nodded and didn't say anything. "I know. It's pathetic."

I stood up and took his metal hand. "No, it's not." I led him into my room without hesitation.

"What are you doing Y/N?"

I turned around and shrugged looking up into his blue orbs.

"The way I see it. I need you to feel safe. You need to know I'm safe. Stay."

For a moment my courage slipped and I looked down. Afraid he would say no and so frustrated because I could never read this man. Just when I thought I could he would turn cold and distant.

"For how long?"

I looked up and saw pain and the fear of rejection etched between his brows and in his eyes.

"For as long as I can have you."

He closed his eyes for a moment and I took his hand and pulled him into the bed. His body was tense and he was unsure of himself. At the moment I didn't care what would happen tomorrow. As we lay face to face with each other I know that these moments are fleeting and I'll take whatever he gives me. At the moment though he was frozen. I debated on waiting for him to make a move but at this point, I could literally die before that happens.

Instead, I scooted closer to him in hopes that he would hold me. I moved his metal arm so it would wrap around me and buried my face in his chest. "Is this ok Bucky?"

He kissed my forehead. "It's better than ok Y/N."

He held me tight until we both found ourselves in deep contented sleep.

HOPE THAT YOU GUYS LIKE THIS PART. Love to all!!!

Forever Tags @mscaptainjones @ssweet-empowerment

My Soldier of Winter @dragonselene @squidneysbooty @thatgirlwithmanyobsessions @lost-and-wandering-alone @loislp @imagine-that-100 @chipilerendi @cutiepiemimi13

[kateanddevinreview]

London Has Fallen

In which Kate and Devin write a porno

Devin: Okay, so this movie is just Gerard Butler being a badass right? Is this the one with Denzel Washington? Or are neither of those things right.

Kate: It’s something like that.

Devin: Well, Butler showed up in the credits, but so did morgan freeman?

Kate: It’s a trifecta!!

Devin: Or maybe I'm just racist and mixed them up.

Kate: Or maybe it’s the two of them being badass together.

Devin: I made some comment the other day about minorities being underrepresented at the oscars or something and they asked what actors I think should win instead and I blanked on literally every minority actor I knew.

Kate: Hahahah. It’s still true though. And to be fair, could you name any white actors?

Devin: My brain got stuck on Tom Hardy and forgot literally every other actor on earth

Kate:I think he’s on tv now anyway. So far this movie is starting a bit slow. Do you think someone is going to be shot soon?

Devin: I find it weird that we are in....India?

Kate:  I think we’re at an Indian wedding. Terrorist’s daughter is getting married

Devin: This is set up for motive?

Kate: Probs

Devin: The Phantom of the Opera and Harvey Dent go for a jog

Kate: Why are politicians always running? I don’t think they do that much

Devin: I think cause DC? it's an easy excuse to pan around the lawn

Kate: Ok well fine, coming at me with movie reasons. Wait, is this a sequel?

Devin: Is it? Was the last one just called "London"?

Kate: I was thinking Gerald saved a president in the last one?

Devin: She has crazy eyes

Kate: She does but she’s pregnant

Devin:  I'll forgive it if we get through this movie without her vomiting.

Kate:  She’s in like her third tri already so she really shouldn’t

Devin:  Google says this is a sequel, to Olympus Has Fallen. Lots of stuff falling apparently

Kate: Knew it!!! I’ve seen that one too

Devin: Really? I'm guessing last time he saved President Harvey Dent from terrorists, wooed or impregnated his wife, and got hired for secret service or unfired from secret service

Kate: Unfired, if it’s what I’m thinking of

Devin: This time he'll save the Prime Minister from terrorists, see his kid born, and...uh. Be knighted? That's my guess

Kate: Seems like a totally logical guess to me. I’m betting he discovers the Prime Minister was murdered. I don’t think people are expected to attend state funerals?

Devin: I think it's cause his vice isn't available? I think normally this is the kind of thing they send him for. But I am basing that on episodes of Madam Secretary so who knows

Kate: New guess!! President is killed and Butler has to protect Freeman

Devin: Hmmm. Maybe. Is Freeman the Vice?

Kate: Yes. He said “Hello, Mr VP”

Devin: I'm missing like half of this dialogue, idk how

Kate: Cause it’s boring

Devin: I want splosions!

Kate: This baby melodrama music is not my favorite. Once again I feel like writing is letting us down?

Devin: Yeah. Be better hollywood!

Kate: Also important people shouldn’t just sign shit without looking at it

Devin: is this the fringe guy? No. Who is he? He's someone

Kate: I think? No?

Devin: Fringe guy is similar but different. Oh! The Magicians? Magicians teacher guy?

Kate: No, definitely not him

Devin: IMDBing....

Kate: “Most protected event on earth”= everyone will die

Devin: Yup. This cast listing order is stupid. Do we know British Gerard Butler's name?

Kate: You mean the head of the British security? Also no. Also I think they’re going to use kids?

Devin: Yes, British guy. Mr. Sands! From Limitless. Thanks wikipedia, for your superior cast list

Kate: Limitless. That’s right, I never watched much of that

Devin: I really liked the main guy and all the arts and crafts in that show. I'm sad it was cancelled. Also we should add the movie to our review list

Kate: Yes!

Devin: Splosion! I didn't think those guards were supposed to have real guns? Then again EMTs should definitely not have rocket launchers

Kate: Hahaha, yeah, those cops are definitely plants. It’s clearly a very well orchestrated attack

Devin: Pretty sure only america gives their cops guns. Also, rocket launcher

Kate: Wow I don’t care how this movie ends the world would not recover from this

Devin: Yeah Kate, it's fallen. Show. Us. The. Egg. It's not London unless I see the big glass egg and the ferris wheel

Kate: How did they know that one president wouldn’t leave on time?

Devin: Trackers? Or they caused the traffic?

Kate: No, he decided?

Devin: Motorcycles, a car's only weakness

Kate: Nice driving!

Devin: Don't injure civilians!

Kate: Ummmm, Devin. I think that ship has sailed.

Devin: He rammed the bad guy into a non bad guy car!

Kate: Oh fuck. Ok so who is the black lady? Is she the First Lady?

Devin: Voight buddy, you could have moved. He's the driver, she's the head of secret service

Kate: He was driving! It was a bullet! Give him some credit. Is she?

Devin: Yes. According to wikipedia

Kate: She’s not doing much. And she hunkered with the president?

Devin: Right? Stop flailing. Where is your gun, woman?

Kate: Oh god. That was brutal

Devin: That was very brutal

Kate: Why didn’t they park closer to the chopper?

Devin: Crashing in 3...2...oh ok nvm

Kate: Hahaha

Devin: He's got a cane so you know he's evil

Kate: So true

Devin: Moral of this movie: don't trust the handicapped

Kate: And yet, they didn’t detect a plan of this magnitude

Devin: Uh, did those people just have labels?

Kate: Yes. NSA and something else

Devin:  Like, movie? Movie. We do not care

Kate: I’m assuming it will be important later?

Devin: Why is the lady not doing anything?

Kate: Nice, flares! I like flares. Why are they flying so low anyway?

Devin: I got distracted googling the secret service

Kate: Anything pertinent to share?

Devin: Apparently the director just does the boring shit, so idk why she's even here

Kate: Ummmm, I think the movie should end here?

Devin: Yes they all died. The End

Kate: No way anyone survived that. I call bullshit

Devin: Also, I assumed presidents would have like one guy their whole time in office? But apparently they hire someone new a lot. Oh she dead.

Kate: For the secret service?

Devin: As director. Like Obama had 2

Kate: I mean, that’s four years for each

Devin: Trump has already had 2. The first guy for like 2 months? 1 month?

Kate: Well, Trump does that a lot. He’s had like 8 communication directors

Devin: I just wonder if they choose to leave or if the president purposefully swaps them out

Kate: Also working for the president is really intense, so maybe you just burn out and have to leave

Devin: Makes sense. The local biker gang is here

Kate: I don’t think bikes make that noise. That is dumb

Devin: Yes. Also no one checked the wreck

Kate: At least we know from earlier scenes they are fast runners!

Devin: This looks like he put his manifesto on youtube

Kate: What point is there in entertaining this phone call? Also why does he care about one president?

Devin: Imagine if he called before they watched the video! Like 5 minutes earlier

Kate: Right? He should take the uniform too

Devin: 

"Who is this?"

"It's...seriously? You didn't see my video?"

"h/o googling it"

"It's on youtube"

"yeah one sec, gotta sit through this 50 shade of grey trailer"

Kate: Ahhhhhhh Being hunted by motorbikes!! Oh no

Devin: Sure, that's subtle. Also this is a regular subway

Kate: I like that he was able to loot the body for weapons. Very practical

Devin: Jesus Gerard Butler. WTF? You went from zero to torture in no time

Kate: I know, little intense. Definitely running on adrenaline

Devin: This is the most 'murrican fucking movie. You cannot convince me that huge squads of racists didn't come out of this movie going "rah rah ‘murrica"

Kate: Oh god. Unfortunately yes

Devin: Although these talky bits suck. I'd rather have more fighting. Oh, thanks label, I really cared what time it was

Kate: Everyone is dead, that’s what this discussion is. I mean surrender and then ambush. How many people do they think there are? You’re not going to be professional right now? Weird

Devin: Blah blah blah. Bitch it was a wedding. Of course his family was there

Kate: How did you not know his family was there? It was a wedding. So dumb

Devin: What even is the point of that dialogue? There better be drugs in his water or something

Kate: What kind of shoddy intel are you all operating on? This is dumb. Do criticize if necessary. You have to teach them. Also off color jokes?

Devin: "You know what's most important Mike? Children. That's why we are never going to spend time with ours in any subsequent movie."

Kate: Of course it’s not your delta team.

Devin: Yeah why was that message not in code?

Kate: Zoom in!

Devin: Enhance! Your safe house has a fucking skylight!?

Kate: Seems like a pretty lame safe house. Oh this is gross

Devin: This movie is very gratuitous with its gore

Kate: It really is. And president you should not have done that. You are not almost out of this by any long shot

Devin:  There must be a porno of this where they fuck right then

Kate:  Did all of MI6 just die?

Devin: I'm not going to lie, that weird pirate porno you made us watch that one time is better than this movie

Kate: Haha! Oh pirates. Also my taste is terrible because I still enjoy this

Devin: I don't believe the hackers would make this basic of a mistake

Kate: No, me neither

Devin: Also driving seems like the quickest way to be spotted?

Kate: They kept everything under the radar but you didn’t notice this earlier?

Devin: Ok I guess at least the car is bulletproofed

Kate: How many of these terrorists are there supposed to be?

Devin: It's just the same 4 guys, they're really fast. They keep healing when they're off screen

Kate: Seems like an infinite supply. Mutants!! Also Mike is still somehow always faster

Devin: Now I want an action movie where 3/4 of the way through you realize he's been re-killing the same 5 guys over and over and surprise! it's really a fantasy/horror movie!

Kate: That would be so good. Change the whole game. I do oddly think this would make a good porno with very very little change

Devin: It's cause there's so much standing really close while breathing heavily and the plot is basically just as thin

Kate: Yeah pretty much. It’s a male romance novel

Devin: Also there have been.....5 women? in this entire movie. 6, I guess. Wife, mother, secret service director, beehive, assistant cop, MI6

Kate: Assistant cop?

Devin: Black lady?

Kate: I don’t remember her

Devin: She was in the bullpen with not!Fringe guy

Kate: Ok sure

Devin: Oh, ok, and random lady who had a text label I didn't read

Kate: There was the turning 30 woman and one lady head of state.

Devin: Still, none of these people shooting right now? There's like 20 guys in this scene!

Kate: Nope. Can’t have women in harm’s way unless they don’t have a choice. Also no lady terrorists

Devin: Only lady terrorists allowed are dead motivation ones

Kate: Also I’m subbing lady because it’s faster to type than woman

Devin: Agreed

Kate: Omg. Whispered “Mike.” Straight out of a romance novel

Devin: What? Are you ahead of me or did I miss it?

Kate: Maybe? The president whispered it

Devin: No! I must have missed the Mike whisper

Kate: He should be really tired by now. He didn’t have dinner!

Devin: "Hear that? My boyfriend is coming"

Kate: He really should just kill the president. It doesn’t make sense not to

Devin: There is so much manly eye contact and face holding

Kate: So much

Devin: Like I'm pretty sure almost this exact sequence happened in Outlander

Kate: In the porn there would be a scene where the president seduced him, Mike walked in on it, and then they have a threesome

Devin: With the bad guy?

Kate: Yup

Devin: That seems like it would be out of place plot wise. Would the bad guy turn himself in or something?

Kate: No. Just random sex that doesn’t make sense

Devin: Weird. The sex should make sense!

Kate: It’s for real a thing that happens in porn, you get whiplash. Oh god. This is lame. Really?

Devin: One punch where he runs all the way across the screen. So stupid

Kate: Did we learn who the brit mole was?

Devin: Nope. They hacked the police station I think? Damn! Wheelchair guy didn't even get to make a speech about how bad America is. This movie is not even pretending to care about America's mistakes

Kate: Why didn’t he just shoot everyone?

Devin: Out of bullets?

Kate: He hasn’t run out of guns until now

Devin: What even is this dialogue right now?

Kate: Really dumb

Devin: "You fuck with America? OH HELL NO. WE BAT SHIT. WE WILL FUCKING MURDER ALL Y'ALL."

Kate: America’s not even 500. Witty banter!

Devin: "EVEN OUR PRESIDENT WILL PICK UP A GUN FOR MURDER TIME"

Kate: Also he’s not dead because you haven’t killed him?

Devin: Yeah you just punched him a bit and talked nonsense

Kate: Once again, another thing they wouldn’t have survived.

Devin: I feel like the porno version of this has them go back to their wives at the end with lots of meaningful looks and sly smiles between the two main dudes. Like "yeah, we'll do this again next mission"

Kate:  Oh no! But yes probably. Why was there a lock in an elevator?

Devin: Is the president the only one alive from this whole thing? They would definitely make out in this elevator

Kate: I think one other world leader survived? There was a missing link to the terrorist?

Devin: I guess?

Kate: Who sent a fucking video?

Devin: Honestly this plot is stupid Yeah he's def the mole. Also he's running away? Like he obviously did it

Kate: Are we supposed to care about him or her? Because I do not

Devin: They would have had sex earlier in the porno

Kate: Yeah. It would have made more sense. Just kill him already

Devin: Also she would have just arrested him. I feel like the porno would have less murder

Kate: It’s weird that normally I complain about too much sex? But this would just be better as a porn

Devin: Yeah our review is basically "this would have made a better porno"

Kate: How would you have found him?

Devin: Who hears "look out your window" and looks up at the ceiling? Oh maybe that's what the missing link was?

Kate: Also the VP does not have the authority to call that type of strike

Devin: What is this 10 angled shot explosion? Ok, we've got a baby

Kate: So it’s been at least a few weeks

Devin: No prime minister but I didn't realize it was his funeral so I feel like the president is close enough. Now knighthood

Kate: Sure. They don’t know how emails work? Re: is for replies

Devin: "Many people would say this is our fault, but we're america so fuck those people. we'll kill those people."

Kate: “Commence spending no time with my kid”

Devin: In the porno version we end instead with a mirror of the earlier DC lawn scene, with them sitting on a bench watching their wives/kids, and the pres saying something like "still want to quit?" and Butler saying "and leave you, sir? Never." And then meaningful eye contact. Roll credits.

Kate: Hahahah

Devin: Okay, so scores

Kate: Yes. Scores.

Devin: 3/10 for the movie, 6/10 for the porno

Kate: I go a little higher movie? Like 4.5 for the movie.  6 for porno though. I think we can agree that no porn should ever rank higher than 7

Devin: Yeah. Like, even amazing porn is still porn

Kate: Ummmm tropes? So many, “family as our motivation”

Devin: “America is terrible and we never learn anything”?

Kate: Which is so hypocritical

Devin: “One man assumes command of literally every other character without argument”

Kate: Hahahaha. So like 7 on the tropes? They all fit the plot really well

Devin: Yeah, I mean it had a very particular niche and it played to it

Kate: Exactly

Devin: I'm going to give the title an 8/10. Catchy and accurate

Kate: I can agree. Thematic

Devin: London did pretty much fall. Like an old lady in a Life Alert commercial

Kate: Better than Olympus has fallen

Devin: Yeah, plus how fucking pretentious is it to call the white house "olympus"?

Kate: Exactly

Devin: What would the porn title be? I feel like they're usually puns?

Kate: Pun for sure. London may fall but our guys stay up

Devin: kind of long

Kate: It could be the tagline?

Devin: Oh yeah, good tagline. My brain gave me "Banging Private Ryan" which does not fit but is almost certainly a movie that exists

Kate: Hahahahaha. Banging president something? Whatever his name was

Devin: No idea, I called him Harvey Dent the whole movie. London Goes Down?

Kate: London laid down? Cause laid. Get it?

Devin: H/o I have to see if there is a real porn title for this. NSA people monitoring my internet searches, I'm really sorry

Kate: Gives them some spice! A story to take home

Devin: Top result for "London Has Fallen Porn Title" is:

"London Has Fallen movie condemned as racist 'terrorsploitation' "

"London Has Fallen is gun-barrel porn"

Kate: Whelp. Yep. I feel bad for enjoying it?

Devin: "London Has Fallen Is The Worst Film About Our City Ever"

Kate: Oh no it was a piece of shit for sure. Super fucking racist

Devin: “Blowing London.” That's my official submission

Kate: Nice! “Blowing London” is great. I thought you’d actually found it.

Devin: Ok, any parting words?

Kate:  It was a dumb racist movie that I feel guilty for enjoying anyway? Which means we should have more action movies made with better plots and motivation. And female representation!

Devin:  Or more action movies that are just porn

Kate:  Or that. What about you? Parting words?

Devin: If you want to see a movie where Gerard Butler brutally murders everyone, this is it. Or, you know, go watch 300, it is less awful.

Kate: So true.