#Have some goals I'd like to meet for the end of the year so I'm hoping to close out these two years on a good note!

[muselexum]

( waking up one morning after 18 months of hiatus and finally getting the spark™ to freshen up ur rp blog )

[livwritessometimes]

loml - Max Verstappen

: Max Verstappen x Singer!reader

: Max and Y/n’s relationship was legendary…but it also was momentary

: Series Masterlist

: Main Masterlist

: Author's Note - After every fic i feel like wow this is the longest fic i have ever written...ya this! is probably the longest fic i have ever written!!

…

(set in 2018)

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-> 💙

*liked by Yourname*

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| Yourname replied to your story

-> P1 Lesgoooooo 🙌🏻

| User34 replied to your story

-> it’s so nice to see you get the recognition you deserve <3

*liked by maxverstappen1*

Y/n was standing near the Red Bull garage when she spotted Max returning for his interviews. Without a second thought, she launched herself into his arms.

“Ahhhhh, I’m so proud of you!!! I feel like I haven’t said that enough,” she smiled as she pulled away from him. “You have, but it’s okay. I’ll never get tired of hearing you say that,” Max said as he looked at her as if her eyes held all the stars in the sky.

Max was aware that by now they would have cameras on them; the Red Bull team loved to capture any interaction between the couple. Ignoring all of that, Max pulled her close and kissed her.

For Y/n, all of this was very new; her last relationship hadn't been this public. The privacy of it all was something that was exciting at first, but after a while, it felt suffocating. When she met Max, she felt aglow like she had never felt before. It was only a matter of time before she knew that Max was the one for her.

And it wasn't easy; they were both slowly gaining more recognition, and people were ready to pick them apart. But as she watched Max celebrate his first Grand Prix win of the season in Austria, all the struggles felt worth the effort.

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"I have a story to tell you regarding the last song of the night," said Y/n as the crowd erupted in cheers. She smiled brightly before continuing, "A few years ago, I did not believe in love, not in the way I do now. Have you guys ever met someone who feels so right that all you want is to be close to him forever and ever?"

"Being with them feels like breathing, like something you've done your whole life. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Lover," Y/n said as she made eye contact with Max. Slowly, the intro starts playing, but all Max could look at was Y/n, in all her element, looking back at him.

If the world were to end tomorrow, Max would have died a happy man. Lost in their little universe, the two failed to notice all the fans that captured this beautiful moment between the couple. Racing can take up a lot of Max's time, and he's not proud of the fact that a lot of times it comes at the stake of their relationship. But right here, right now, all he could focus on was Y/n.

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-> 💕

Yourname: I'm so happy that you were able to make it!! thank you so much for coming, it means a lot to me Max <3

-> Ofc Liefde, I had some time off thought I'd drop by

| User55 replied to your story

-> it is so nice to see Max at your concert!!! your entire face lit up when you saw him, i hope you guys stay like this forever ✨

*liked by Yourname*

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👤: maxverstappen1

Yourname: So proud of how far we’ve come, Maxiee!!! From being just a bunch of kids who wanted to make a name for themselves and achieve their goals to finally living their dream life, I couldn’t have done it without you by my side 💖

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maxverstappen1: Couldn't have done it without you as well Schat 💙

*liked by Yourname*

bffname: Cuties!!! Can't wait to meet you guys <3

*liked by Yourname, maxverstappen1*

The entire party, all Y/n could do was check her phone. She felt guilty; it was bffname's day, and it was supposed to be special, yet here she was feeling sad for herself. From the corner of her eye, bffname could see Y/n in the corner of the room, nursing her 4th drink of the night.

"You can leave, you know. I won't feel bad," said bffname. Y/n looked up from her phone immediately, as if she were caught doing something she wasn't supposed to. "No, no, it's not like that. I want to be here; it's your 23rd birthday; I wouldn't miss it for the world," said Y/n. "You know you can fool anyone you want, but you can never fool me. I know you like the back of my hand," said bffname. "If you want to go to Max, it's okay; you being able to make it was more than enough."

Y/n felt her eyes tearing up a little; even after being a horrible friend, bffname was still understanding. "I'm so sorry; I have been a shitty friend, and yet you are here checking on me rather than celebrating," Y/n said as she finally felt a few droplets stream down her face.

"See, I know that you and Max haven't been in the best place, but it's okay. I know it's scary; you have been with him for so long that even the idea of losing him is scary," bffname said as she wiped a few tears off of Y/n's face. "Just don't lose yourself while trying to save your relationship."

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👤: maxverstappen1, Yourname

F1gossip: Red Bull driver Max Verstappen and singer/songwriter Y/n L/n were seen fighting outside by some of the paps. It was noticed that Verstappen had come to pick up L/n from a party (Bffname Bfflastname's birthday celebration). The two were seen arguing, and it is even believed that L/n was under the influence of alcohol. Verstappen was seen comforting L/n, but much to his attempts, L/n was not budging. Later on, Verstappen was seen shouting at L/n. It ended with Verstappen getting in the car and storming off, leaving a teary-eyed L/n behind. It is believed that the couple might have called it quits after dating for 2 years. This news has not been confirmed by either Verstappen or L/n. Check out our website for more updates on the Verstappen-L/n fight.

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User75: Nooo whyyyy???? they were so happy tho...

-> User09: ikrrr bffname had commented on yourname's post too! She was so excited to meet them. What happened?

User20: I'm not believing any of this until I see either of them confirm the breakup. They are happily dating, and this never happened ^^

-> User11: @/User20 check twt

(set in 2019)

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👤: maxverstappen1, Yourname

F1gossip: 6 months after their breakup, Max Verstappen and Y/n L/n were spotted together in Miami. The two seemed to be having a good time at the beach under the warm Miami sun. A close source to Verstappen reveals that the two have been seeing each other for a few months now. This is the first time the pair were spotted together after their public breakup. Both Verstappen and L/n have been doing well in their career paths ever since their breakup. Verstappen has won 2 Grand Prix so far and has seen a massive improvement in this performance as compared to last year, whereas L/n has recently released her 3rd studio album, with all the songs making it into the Billboard Hot 100. Only time will tell whether the two are in it for the long run or whether they call it quits again.

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User02: I'M NO LONGER A CHILD OF DIVORCE 🙌🏻

-> User59: I just hope they make it work this time!!!

User76: Not to be like that, but this will either give us the best love song of the summer or the most gut-wrenching song ever to exist

Y/n smiled as she put her phone down and looked back at Max. Both of them had decided to take a quick trip to Miami. "Do you think we'll have kids?" Max asked so nonchalantly that Y/n had to ask again to make sure she heard him right, "What?" "Do you think we'll have kids later on in life?" Max repeated. "I think I would like to have a girl," Max continued as he looked out at the sea. Amused, Y/n asked, "Oh, really? and why is that?" "I feel like a girl is easy to manage; you know, there are less chances that she'll end up like me," Max said before adding, "Plus, she'll look like you, so you know she is gonna have everyone wrapped around her little finger."

Max looked back at Y/n with a cheeky smile to see her already looking back at him with a look that conveyed nothing but pure love. "I think you'd be a great dad; even if we have a son, and if he becomes even half the man you are, then we did a great job raising him," Y/n said as she ran her hands through Max's hair. "I've not had the best example growing up; I mean, I know my dad wasn't the best, but had he not made all the sacrifices he did back then, I would not have been here. 'Max Verstappen, Star of Red Bull' I would have been a loser," Max said as he closed his eyes, soaking in his surroundings. It felt nice, peaceful even, being away from everything.

"A loser who I'd still love," Y/n said as she pulled Max closer. "Even if you do not have anything with you, you will always have me," she added. "Oh, don't you worry about that; I plan on keeping you by my side forever," Max said. "You just wait till I put a ring on that finger; after that, you can't leave me, even if you wanted to," he added. "I wouldn't dream of it," Y/n said before getting up and running towards the water. Their laughter filled the air as Max got up and chased after her, pulling her into the water with him.

Yourname added to their story!

(Cat's out of the bag I guess 🤭)

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-> 💙

*liked by Yourname*

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-> 💪🏻💪🏻

*liked by redbullracing*

Max should be happy; he should feel all the joy in the world; he finished 3rd in the standings after all, yet the smile did not reach his eyes. He looked around the party thrown to celebrate his and the team's victory and saw Y/n talking to one of the engineers. Max couldn't help but let the bittersweet thought take over his mind. He hated himself for thinking these things, but ever since he got back with Y/n, his season hasn't been goin- "She seems nice, Y/n, I mean," breaking his chain of thoughts, Max looked at his father. "Huh, oh ya," said Max as he took a sip of his drink.

"But she's not right for you; before you got back with her, everything was going in your favor, and look at you now; you're 3rd on the list. You can do better, Max," said Jos as he went to talk to other people at the party. Max hated his father for being critical about his relationship, but he hated himself more because he himself had thought about this.

So one cancelled date becomes two, and before Max knew it, he was constantly blowing off Y/n. In fact, if he comes to think of it, this is probably the first time the two have been out together in a month. So lost in his thought, Max did not notice a sad Y/n slipping from the party.

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👤: Yourname, maxverstappen1

F1gossip: Is it finally over between Verstappen and L/n? Y/n L/n was seen leaving the Red Bull celebration a little early. The singer seemed to be upset as she left the building. One of the workers at the party informed us that the two did not spend much time together. Verstappen and L/n, who have not been spotted out in public in a month, were seen entering the party together a few hours ago, and that was the last of it. We got information from a close source to the couple that things have been rocky between the two. According to the source, Verstappen considers his relationship with L/n a distraction, which led to him not performing to the best of his abilities after the summer break. Verstappen has only won one Grand Prix ever since L/n confirmed that the two were back together via an Instagram Story. It seems like it is finally time to bury the hatchet in the Verstappen-L/n love story.

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User23: Honestly their constant on and off is annoying at this point, like make up your mind already ffs

User99: I mean, it's not like Max is wrong...ever since they got back together, he hasn't been doing his best, and that is pretty evident

(set in 2020)

Y/n knew that this was wrong. She knows that she can't keep running back to Max after he shows up, making the same promises again and again. At this point, Y/n can probably narrate it in her sleep: "I promise I'll change," "We are meant to be," "You're the love of my life; I can't lose you." Yet she believed him every single time. How could she not? They have been through so much together. How could she let go of all this history because things have been rocky between them?

Lost in her trail of thoughts, Y/n did not realize that she had reached the venue. It was when she felt her side of the door open that she looked up to find a dazzling Max looking back at her. He was glowing; having just won the 70th anniversary GP, Max looked like he would burst from happiness. Y/n couldn't help but match his smile.

They both slowly made their way through the red carpet, posing for pictures. As they reached the entrance, she felt Max fidgeting. "What's wrong?" she asked as she reached for his hand. Max laced his finger with her before saying, "Nothing; it's just that this is my first win of the season. I thought that this year would have been my year, but would you look at how it all turned out to be?" Y/n nodded at Max to continue, "I never thought I would spend so much time at home because of the pandemic, and I never thought that all that time alone would make me realize how much I have missed you," Max said before looking at Y/n. "Every second without you feels like I'm suffocating; you're like a breath of fresh air. Every time I look at you, I feel like all the stars in the sky are nothing compared to you," said Max as he caressed Y/n's cheek.

Y/n didn't know how to describe this feeling. Standing in front of her was a boy she had known for a long time, a boy who always wanted to prove his worth to his father, a boy who sacrificed so much to achieve his dreams, a boy who was simply madly in love with her.

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👤: maxverstappen1

Yourname: ...and at every table, I'll save you a seat 💙

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maxverstappen1: I love you

-> Yourname: I love you too Max

User77: Y/n I love you sweetheart, but noooo why are you back with Max

-> User62: shut up! you're just jealous of what they have

-> User77: tf no, I am concerned about her! Every time they get back together, I feel like Y/n looks less and less happy

-> User22: can we stop all of this and just appreciate how hot they both look 🔥

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👤: maxverstappen1, redbullracing

F1: Max Verstappen out of the Sakhir Grand Prix on lap 1. Trying to avoid Sergio Perez, who was hit by Charles Leclerc at turn 4, Verstappen ended up on the gravel, crashing into the tire barrier. This is the 4th time this season Verstappen has not been able to finish a race. With one race left, Verstappen's chances of winning the world championship seem a little out of reach at the moment. We can only hope for the best for the Dutchman.

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User71: Then you guys say that him getting back with Y/n has nothing to do with his performance!!

-> User04: Shut up that has got nothing to do with Y/n

-> User71: whatever you say 🤷🏻‍♀️ the evidence is right there but okay ignorance is bliss i guess

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👤: Yourname, maxverstappen1

F1gossip: All's well that ends well, but not for Y/n L/n. It seems like Max Verstappen has finally ended things for good between the both of them. This news comes after L/n was seen leaving their shared apartment with boxes of her belongings. The two have also since unfollowed each other on Instagram. Although many members of the Red Bull team, including team principal Christian Horner and wife Geri Halliwell, still continue to follow the singer, it is safe to say that their ship has officially sailed. Check out our website to see their entire relationship timeline.

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User22: Not the admin using lyrics from Lover

-> User48: I was thinking the same thing, like, "All's well that ends well to end up with you" i- 😀

User01: FINALLYYY I'm telling you all next year is gonna be Max's year!! I CAN FEEL IT!!!!

(set in 2021)

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👤: maxverstappen1, kellypiquet

redbullracing: OUR CHAMPION!!! LET'S GO MAX 🦁🏆

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User01: I TOLD YOU ALL IT WAS GONNA BE MAX'S YEAR!!! HE FINALLY WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP 🏆🏆

*liked by redbullracing*

User11: I'm really happy for Max, but did he just confirm his relationship with Kelly Piquet!!! who, may I add, has a CHILD!!!!!!!

-> User67: Ikrrrrr like I'm sorry, but he was with Y/n for such a long time, and now he has a new girl and a child in his life??? This was supposed to be him and Y/n!!!!

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👤: Yourname, maxverstappen1

F1gossip: Y/n L/n was spotted outside for the first time since the news of Max Verstappen dating Brazilian model Kelly Piquet came out. L/n was seen sitting alone in a park, drinking beer. It is believed that this park was one that Verstappen and L/n used to visit a lot with Verstappen's cats. Many bystanders have said that the singer looked lost in her thoughts as she continued sipping her drink. It seems that everyone had believed the two would be back together by the end of the season when pictures of Verstappen with a mysterious woman surfaced, but much to everyone's surprise, the woman in the pictures is now believed to be Piquet. I guess we can say with certainty that Verstappen-L/n has officially come to an end.

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User03: Why are you so obsessed with Y/n? it's so annoying. They broke up; let her be!!

User56: Ofc she's salty now that Max has a good woman by his side. She'll just do about anything to get his attention, wouldn't she?

liked by bffname and 165,872 others

Yourname: I had taken some time off from everything - my music, my fans, my friends, even my family. I was at a place where I felt something I had never felt before. People tell you that there will come a time in everyone's life where you will feel absolutely lost, like you don't know what to do with your life now, and it is very easy to say that with time you'll get through it and find your way again. What everyone fails to mention is how lonely this time will feel. You have people who love you and want the best for you, yet you can't seem to get out of this hole you have dug up for yourself. Taking a break and going back to where I started my journey made me realize why I do what I do. I have never needed songwriting more than I did during this period of time. As I write this, I finally realize that this chapter of my life is over. I have no wounds that I need to heal, no bridges that I want to burn. As of today, I set this song free. It was mine once, and it's yours now. loml out at midnight.

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User55: Y/n wtffffff I was not prepared for this!!!!! Girl it's 2 PM YOU CAN'T JUST DROP THIS AND EXPECT ME TO BE FINE!!

bffname: I am so proud of you!!! words can't sum up how much I adore the person you have become 💕

*liked by Yourname*

User91: waitttt is this about her situation with Max???

-> User40: I mean must be! who else would she be referring to as love of my life??

-> User91: true

liked by bffname and 201,826 others

Yourname: I would like to thank all of my fans for the immense support they have shown me. Your kind words mean the world to me. Thank you for always accepting me the way I am and sticking with me, for better and for worse. I had the time of my life playing for you guys. I can't wait for more shows in the future 🩵

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User32: I still can't get over loml!!! what do you mean by "A con-man sells a fool a get-love-quick scheme"

-> User13: Are we gonna ignore "What we thought was for all time was momentary"!!!!!!!! I feel like someone stabbed me in my gallbladder and then poured detergent over it 🫨

User40: What do you mean by loml - love loss of my life 💔

User28: "Our field of dreams, engulfed in fire. Your arson's match, your somber eyes And I'll still see it until I die" that is because that dream is dead now :(

-> User13: They talked about having kids one day!!! and now he gets to live that life with someone else 🥲

-> User66: Y/n I hate the fact that you had to go through this. My ex passed away before we could start a life together. It sucks when you plan your entire future with someone and then they're just not there. And now it's just you, alone, in the house of your dreams that you both built for yourselves. I wish you all the strength and happiness that there is in this world!! 🤍

[toaarcan]

What does Mephiles want?

So, Mephiles is my favourite Sonic villain and has been for a while now. His vibes are simply off the charts. But his schemes within schemes are generally considered overly convoluted and nonsensical, and while there's an element of the former, the latter is, in my opinion, an unfair angle.

I know Sonic 06's writing is not the best in general, but I genuinely think Mephiles is one of the best-handled parts of it. So I thought I'd break down why I think he does what he does.

1) Why didn't he just fuse with Iblis in the future/immediately kill Elise to free Iblis in the present/do X more logical and straightforward path to his ultimate goal?

I'm getting this one out of the way slightly out of order because this is another of the many examples of "Audience expects characters to be rational, logical actors who never make emotion-driven decisions."

I can sit here and make theories as to why fusing in the future doesn't work, or argue the toss over whether Elise's death is really a means of releasing Iblis, but the simple answer here is that Mephiles is not a logical actor. He is a spiteful, sadistic monster who could do things the quick and clean way... but he's a time-travelling immortal with power enough to equal the Ultimate Life Form, why not have some fun along the way?

It should also be noted that during the events of Sonic 06, Mephiles has existed as an independent entity for ten years. He spent all ten of those years trapped in a vessel roughly the size of a soda can. Your facetious "Hurr durr why doesn't he just cut onions under Elise's eyes" gotcha can be easily countered by asking "At what point in this man's very short and limited existence would he have learned about the ocular effects of chopping onions?"

2) Mephiles and Shadow: Revenge

Well firstly we need to set aside most of what he does in Shadow's story. Yes, really. The only parts of Shadow's story that are actually part of Mephiles' big plan are the following:

Trying to break or corrupt Shadow in the future.

Acquiring a Chaos Emerald so he can use it to summon the others once Iblis is free.

Shadow actually thwarts that last one, but it doesn't matter, because as we see in the Last Episode, he simply goes and gets another one once he realises that the green and yellow ones are out of play for the moment.

See, Mephiles' attempts to mess with Shadow's head have nothing to do with reforming Solaris. They're a separate, more personal agenda. Because Mephiles isn't single-mindedly focusing on reforming Solaris. He's also out for revenge.

Mephiles' interactions with Shadow are often read as him attempting to corrupt Shadow and turn him over to the dark side, but I'm not sure if that really matters all that much to Mephiles, besides as a means to an end. We see Mephiles really manipulating people in Silver's story, after all, and he has a different approach.

While manipulating Silver, Mephiles presents himself as a benevolent ally, who offers a desperate Silver a means of stopping Iblis once and for all.

Once Silver starts to question him, Mephiles is evasive, not giving Silver a straight answer but instead applying time pressure, reminding him that if he fails in his mission, Iblis' rampage will continue unabated, and implying that time is running out before Sonic triggers the end of the world.

But that's not how he approaches Shadow. Instead, upon meeting Shadow for the first time since he was sealed, Mephiles laughs his mouthless head off, shambles around like a zombie, and promises him "a one-way ticket to oblivion."

I don't think he's trying to get Shadow to join him, guys.

And sure, when Shadow confronts Mephiles in Flame Core, he does extend an offer to Shadow, trying to tempt him to turn on humanity for their future betrayal. He positions the idea of Shadow avenging himself on humanity again as a reasonable thing, as justice.

But when Shadow doesn't bite, he doesn't press it. He just shrugs it off, goes into his crystalline form, and proceeds to start trying to kill Shadow. But why try to make this offer at all?

Easy: This is before Shadow saves Sonic from Silver at Radical Train. If Shadow doesn't intervene, because he's either evil or broken, Silver kills Sonic right there while Elise is watching, helpless in the grip of Eggman's hovercraft, and she probably cries and releases Iblis a few days early.

That's why he switches focus to trying to break Shadow's spirit after this point: Any benefit he could've gotten from corrupting Shadow no longer matters.

Revealing more of Shadow's fate in the future, and everything else he does after this point, isn't about trying to turn Shadow to darkness again. It's about hurting him. That's it. He just wants to hurt Shadow, make him feel like his heroics are futile, because all those ungrateful humans will turn on him in the end anyway, even one of his closest friends will betray him, ordered to hunt down, defeat, and seal Shadow in a prison for a crime he didn't commit.

Past their encounter in Flame Core, this isn't remotely part of the Solaris plan any more, it's purely about Mephiles wanting to torment Shadow, it's revenge for what he does in Aquatic Base in the past. Shadow sealed him in the Sceptre of Darkness ten years ago, and the vast majority of their interactions are Mephiles trying to do exactly what he promised after he escaped.

And that desire for revenge rather neatly explains why he goes about targeting Silver and Elise the way he does too.

3) Mephiles and Silver: For Iblis

Despite his monstrousness, there is someone that Mephiles cares about deeply: Iblis. True, that's technically just another part of himself, but they do exist as separate entities for most of the game, and Mephiles refers to Iblis by name and as a separate entity to himself when Iblis is freed.

And this, combined with his vengefulness, neatly explains why he sends Silver after Sonic.

Because Silver fights Iblis every day. Because when he and Iblis were newly-separated and trying to escape from Aquatic Base, Silver hunted Iblis down and captured him, enabling the Duke to seal him (more on that later). Silver was the instrument of Iblis' sealing, and desperately wants to kill Iblis. What would be more ironic (and we know Mephiles has an appreciation for irony, it's literally in his first line in Shadow's story) than using Silver himself to bring about Iblis' liberation?

How does Mephiles know that Silver is responsible? Time travel, of course. Like, he had to learn where Iblis was sealed, and that crying was the key to the seal on him somehow, he almost certainly hopped back to Aquatic Base to see what went down on Silver's side of things.

That Silver is a good (if desperate) person, but Mephiles is trying to manipulate him into killing another hero only adds to the satisfaction Mephiles would get from watching this all play out.

And though Silver fails, and realises the truth, his interference with Sonic's side of the story only helps push Mephiles closer to his goal, and the third aspect of his vengeance.

4) Mephiles, the Duke, and Elise: Sins of the Father

Let's talk about everyone's favourite Sonic character, Princess Elise III.

Elise is Iblis' vessel, and is incredibly emotionally repressed, having somehow not cried since she was about seven years old, despite both of her parents being dead, the pressures of being a monarch, and the general hormone-driven emotional instability of being a teenager.

As the one thing holding Iblis' rampage back, Elise's death in the crashing Egg Carrier at the end of Sonic and Silver's trip through Kingdom Valley is the point where Iblis broke free and ruined everything. Setting aside whether her death caused it or if she shed a single tear before impact. But this isn't enough for Mephiles, apparently, and despite her being Iblis' vessel, he takes very little interest in her throughout the story... or does he?

Mephiles could take Elise's death as a W, hop over to the crash site and fuse with Iblis there. But he doesn't? Why?

Because he specifically wants to break the seal by making her cry.

This is why Silver's failures play into Mephiles' hands anyway. Because by trying to kill Sonic, Silver keeps opening the doors for Elise to get captured again, forcing Sonic to rush to her aid once more, and generally making their time together much more dramatic and emotionally-tense. This almost certainly helps get Elise, uhhhhh... let's just say attached to Sonic, meaning that when, at the beginning of the final act, Mephiles hits Sonic with the ol' "Nothin personnel kid", Elise's overstressed emotional repression finally fails and she breaks down, releasing Iblis.

But why does he want to do this? Why go through all the extra hurdles of piling more pressure on Elise until she snaps, when he could theoretically just kill her and set Iblis free, or literally just be there for her death?

You guessed it, it's revenge again. But not against Elise, against her father, using Elise as a proxy.

I think if there's anyone in the entire universe that Mephiles outright despises, it's this guy.

The Duke of Soleanna was responsible for the original Solaris Project, during which he attempted to control Solaris' power in order to give himself and his people power over time. However, it's heavily implied that the experiments weren't exactly a pleasant experience for Solaris, given that they ultimately destabilised him, resulting in him being explosively torn into two parts.

This event is the entire reason that Solaris, and his two fragments, are hostile. Before the Solaris Project, Solaris himself was a benevolent and benign entity. As the Flame of Hope, he was genuinely worshipped by the people of Soleanna, and was said to have once saved the city from a great fire, while in the form of an eagle.

Now, it's been theorised that Solaris actually caused that fire, but there's no actual evidence to suggest that beyond association with fire, and engineering a false-flag disaster to force people to worship him generally isn't in-character with what we know of Solaris pre-Project.

That said, their faith wasn't without its darker side, as prophecy foretold that one day, Solaris' wrath would be incurred, manifesting in the forms of the Flames of Disaster. And this is exactly what the Solaris Project ended up doing, driving Solaris berserk and resulting in both of his halves becoming monsters.

So for Mephiles, hatred of Duke, and Elise by proxy, would already be extremely personal. But it doesn't stop there, because the Duke is also the one to seal Iblis within Elise, putting him in the line of fire for the same reasons as Shadow and Silver.

And how better to exact a posthumous vengeance against the Duke than by emotionally breaking his beloved daughter, and in doing so, directly undoing the seal he made, in precisely the way he tried to prevent?

Mephiles' mind was probably made up on how he'd free Iblis from the moment he learned what the key to the lock was.

5) Mephiles' actual goals.

With that in mind, here's my simplified list of what Mephiles wants to achieve in 06.

Re-fuse into Solaris.

Free Iblis by emotionally devastating Elise.

In destroying Elise, achieve vengeance on the Duke by ruining his plans and tormenting his daughter.

Make Silver the one to free Iblis by killing Sonic, an ironic punishment for sealing Iblis to begin with.

Torment Shadow with the terrible future ahead of him as vengeance for sealing him to begin with (Side project).

And hell, here's a flowchart.

It's a bit small, but it should be the right size if you open it in a new tab.

So yeah, I don't think Mephiles' plan is overly convoluted. Most of his actual plan to reunite with Iblis is straightforward enough. Everything other aspect is either a contingency or a side-project, and any inefficiencies are the result of his sadistic need for vengeance on Shadow, Silver, and the Duke.

[thefiery-phoenix]

YANDERE SIRIUS BLACK X READER

Sirius during his school days at Hogwarts was actually kinda cocky. He was confident, with his looks and his charming personality, no one would be able to resist him. He never really had that much time to fall in love with people, true, he did like messing with people every now and then but he never expected to fall in love

You were in Sirius' year and he didn't really notice you till a certain amount of time passed. He was surprised, how come he didn't notice someone so cute looking like you? He observed you for some time: Your characteristics and your personality. He saw how kind you were and how sweet and shy you were, always kept yourself to yourself. He wondered how you even managed to end up in Gryffindor when you could've done well in Hufflepuff but whatever, he wasn't complaining. He had you closer to him and he was thrilled

His first goal was to become your friend and then ask you out to the Three Broomsticks where he'll confess his love to you and the both of you would be a happy lovely couple. It was the perfect plan for him, till you decided to form another path for yourself

You couldn't deny that Sirius was handsome and charming. But you weren't really looking forward to be in a relationship with anyone at the moment. So, when Sirius called you to the Three Broomsticks, he handed you a rose and ordered butterbeers and some desserts for you guys to eat. He didn't give you the idea that he was confessing his love for you since he wanted it to be a surprise, a surprise which of course his friends James, Lupin and Peter helped him in. They helped him in the decorations and keeping his bratty little brother Regulus away out of sight so he couldn't steal you from their friend

After you were done talking and chilling with your drinks and desserts, Sirius held your petite soft hands in his rough and large ones and went "Y/N, uhh... I don't know how to say this but I really love you and I'd love it if you went out with me'' he said blushing. Your heart dropped, you most certainly weren't expecting this. You just thought he invited you to have a chat for old times' sake and to relax as friends, you had no idea he was going to pour out his feelings for you

You gulped nervously and a heavy feeling settled in your chest. You didn't want to let him down, you REALLY didn't want to, but you had to follow your heart. And right now your heart was telling you to live life on your own terms and not to be in a relationship with anyone. Besides, you just befriended Sirius only for a few months, you had to get to know someone properly for like, YEARS before you wanted to date someone. You tried to let him down gently "Sirius, you're a great guy. I'm sure you have lots of people fawning over you and people who'd die to be with you, but.... how do I say this....'' you trailed off and rubbed the back of your neck looking awkward and a bit sad. "Tell me what?" asked Sirius anxiously peering at your face. He didn't want to hear your answer anymore, it would break his heart and he wouldn't be able to handle it

"I'm really not looking to be in a relationship with anyone right now... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry....'' you whispered and stared down at the table, not wanting to meet his eyes. Sirius felt numb, he felt like his heart was shattering into a million pieces and he couldn't move. You told him a quick 'bye' and ran off, his friends ran to comfort him

Meanwhile after a few days, you tried forgetting about him. But the hurt look on his face kept haunting you at the night. You were in the courtyard reading a book. The weather was nice and windy, quite the opposite of what you felt. You felt down in the dumps for rejecting Sirius, but you had a feeling he'd most probably forgotten about the whole thing anyway and besides, he could always find someone else. You had no idea how wrong you were: Sirius was not able to forget about you, he confronted his brother Regulus and asked him if he had anything to do with you rejecting him. Of course he ended up jinxing Regulus in anger since he felt that he was lying. Next he bullied Snape for a while thinking he manipulated you or bullied you to reject him till you intervened and asked him to leave him alone

Sirius was infuriated and it was like rubbing salt in a wound. Why TF were you standing up to SNIVELLUS SNAPE? Maybe he was right... maybe Snape HAD something and his worst fears were now confirmed. You could be dating Snape. His friends found out that you weren't dating anyone and that made him relax a little. He stalked you in his Animagus form for a while and you of course didn't know it was Sirius in Animagus form. You thought it was just a random cute dog and you spent time with it. Every single second you spend with him, holding it and cuddling with it, you were fueling his dark twisted desires for you. And these days you could see that Sirius was looking happier for some reason so... you assumed it was all good for him

It was... since he was planning to kidnap you the next time he turned into his Animagus form. Not exactly 'kidnap' you per se, he'd just keep you in the Shrieking Shack, but don't worry, Sirius won't leave you alone. Your kindness and sweet nature was too addicting for him and he was far too selfish to share you with anyone else....

[kiisaes]

I still think it's really crazy that Horikoshi did Midoriya so dirty by having him murder the boy he wanted to save, and, now that he's lost his Quirk, is stuck being lonely for like eight years feeling like a husk of his former self, only feeling like himself again when he gets an Iron Man suit. I'm not a big Dekuhead, but I'm asking around to see what Deku fans think of the writer's choices concerning his conclusion. I'd love to hear your thoughts!! did you like this? did you not? why? etc

as a dekuhead, i agree that killing shigaraki was confusing and i still don't know what the thought process is behind that. like, saving him has always been deku's plan and everything was pointing towards shigaraki rehabilitation but then ... we didn't get it???

so yes, shigaraki should have lived (it aligns with deku's goals and the narrative's goals) and toga also should have lived for similar reasons. i also agree that deku's conclusion should have been expanded upon more — i really wanted to see how killing shigaraki, losing his quirk, etc. truly affected deku, and we were kinda left hanging. but also i sorta just equate that with lack of time / horikoshi being rushed to finish his manga

but i fundamentally disagree with the rest of your ask. it feels like you've developed this opinion based on the 430 leaks and not the actual official chapter; it's just misleading. which i don't blame you for, because the mha leaks scene is fucking awful and has ruined an entire reader base's reading comprehension, which has consequently been perpetuated by the fandom

"is stuck being lonely for like eight years feeling like a husk of his former self"

it's not stated if he feels like a husk of his former self or not. he lost his quirk, true, but he verbally says he's ok with it (ofa was like a dream that he got to live out), and never shows that he's particularly depressed or upset about being quirkless again. i feel like this specific idea is very fandom-coded. everyone was drawing deku sad as fuck for losing his quirk but canonically he appears at most wistful, and normally just neutral. it is what it is, yknow? after all he says himself that he was originally quirkless anyway, so not much has changed.

also he mentions feeling lonely, but i hate this idea that deku has been lonely for 8 straight years. people have twisted this into meaning his friends ghosted him after high school, but like ... how would that even make sense. deku's friends love him so much, will fight at the world's end with him, and he changed their lives for the better. they would absolutely not ghost him. they just canonically don't meet up much anymore, because OBVIOUSLY, when you don't live in the same building as your high school classmates anymore you are NOT going to meet up as much as before. this is just how adulting is. you have responsibilities and jobs and lives now. people hate to hear it but it's the most realistic part of this ending.

"only feeling like himself again when he gets an Iron Man suit"

again, we have no idea if deku didn't "feel like himself" when he was just teaching. and this idea that he's not is fueled in some weird anti-teacher belief that i'm seeing a lot of, now that deku pursued education in his future. in my opinion teaching is a very fitting career for him; he's been inspiring and helping his classmates as a student, and he loves quirk analysis and gushing to others about their quirks.

he's literally training a new generation of heroes, he gets to work alongside pros (such as aizawa), he's constantly learning more about new quirks ... why is this not the deku we've known and loved? what about this feels wrong? just because he's not a stereotypical hero on the scene, he's suddenly a worse version of himself?

mha has drilled into our heads so much atp that being quirkless doesn't mean you can't be a hero. deku was quirkless his whole life but he had the spirit of a hero, and even when other heroes quit during the apocalyptic era between wars, deku was still out there, doing what he could. he didn't need the money. he didn't need the fame. he didn't need the recognition or the credit, even. he just wanted to help people. and being a teacher is one of THE most directly helpful jobs you could take.

from what i can tell, people who complained about teacher deku and "peaking during high school" and "working a dead-end minimum wage job" were all from the western fandom. i have not seen a single japanese fan complain to this degree. it's definitely a cultural difference but also i think they just read better than us. UA is a prestigious school with crazy name recognition and all teachers there are registered pro heroes. even though deku isn't technically a pro, they recognized him as one anyway, which allowed him to work there in the first place. like hello. over everything we should be grateful he didn't become a cop.

the way i interpreted him getting his suit was that

his friends love him so much they pooled their money all in secret just to give him another chance at actual hero work, even though they know deku's content with his teaching job. probably also so they can see him more, now that their schedules might align better

even though he's quirkless, he is still symbolically — and literally — a hero. turning society's preconceived opinions of quirkless people on its head

it had nothing to do with making him feel like himself again. he was doing fine. the suit is just a (very expensive, labor of love) perk.

and before anyone complains about him "receiving handouts" and that "he just lazed around for years until his friends picked him back up with the suit", SHUT THE FUCK UP. he's done so much for them that they felt it right to return the favor, especially to the one guy they know who earned it the most. also - he deserved a break from all of the shit he went through; why should it Not take him 8 years? do you KNOW how much pain he suffered? that amount of trauma lasts a lifetime. all of you SHUT UP.

as a dekuhead, i think his conclusion as a teacher who also works as a pro hero is awesome and cool and i see no qualms with that. my main concern is that we should've gotten more of a conclusion to deku's ARC and its connection to the story, but regarding his future 8 years later i'm totally fine with it. he's living out his dreams, working with heroes, studying quirks, and keeping in touch with the ones he loves. that is epic as hell

[study-like-you-mean-it]

2024 Goal Setting for People Who Used to be Studyblr Queens and are Now Just Muddling Through Adult Life

I know you, you know me. I've had this account since I was freshly 16 and I'm 23 (and a half) now, and I can guarantee there's loads of you in the same boat right now.

Where did I go? What did I do? I finished my Master's Degree and realised (with some trepidation) at the end of it that I'd achieved everything that was on my list of things to achieve ever, and I didn't really have a plan on what I was going to do, so for what may have been the first time in my life I just...winged it. Started measuring progress according to how I felt about it. And it worked! Lots of good has come out of it so let me suggest some goal setting approaches to help if you're in a similar position (and given the studyblr -> chaos pipeline I might suggest there's at least a few people this might help)

Point 1 - Don't set yourself academic goals

"But Study Like You Mean It, I always set academic goals!" I hear you say. I appreciate the irony of my username in relation to this. Point is, you're not in academia anymore. You need to stop goal setting like you're in academia, and the easiest way to do this is to stop setting academic goals.

"But I like the pursuit of knowledge!" I hear you counter. So do I, but if you've just come out of a hothouse academic setting, you *really* need to consider who you're goal setting for. Do you like the idea of being a polyglot by the end of the year? Sure, fine, whatever, but consider who you're goal setting for. Do you want to be a polyglot because you like the process of learning languages, or because you want to show to others that you know languages? It sounds silly, but you're not working to a grade anymore, and it's absolutely essential that you reflect on why you like doing academic things. This doesn't apply to everyone, but I would kick off the process of self-reflection on this (because you know the Studyblr types are most likely guilty of performative learning) by refusing to set yourself academic goals.

If you don't hit a yardstick, what's the worst that will happen?

(nothing- the answer is nothing and you need to start getting comfortable with that)

Point 2 - Set Process-Based Goals

Building on the last point, if you want to have achieved something by the end of the year, how can you frame it in a way that's definitely not you trying to put down a point to show to others that you've improved, and instead internalise your sense of progress? Maybe the goal you set is "by the end of the year, I want to feel like I understand internalised growth and progress", and you'll know at the end of the year when you self-reflect if you've succeeded in that.

Otherwise, set a process-based goal. If you want to get better at something, but know you're guilty of holding yourself to externalised yardsticks, set yourself a goal that's about the process rather than the result. Scary, I know. For example, say you want to start playing a sport. If you go in without a process-based goal, you could end up saying to yourself "I want to put myself in a position where I qualify for a team two leagues above by the end of the season," which is a SMART* goal, but incredibly determined by outside reflections on your own ability, and very end-result focused. There's a time and a place for goals like this, but if you're coming off a high-intensity academic environment, I would argue that it's not the right place. Instead, what about "I will show up every week and be positive about the fact that I'm not perfect"? It's about the learning process, and I think post-university a lot of people fall out of love with the actual learning process, and become too mired in results.

*specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time-bound

Point 3 - What happens if you don't hit your goal?

I love asking this question to people who've come out of academic environments.

Literally what's going to happen if you can't meet the goal that you've set for yourself when you set an end-goal focused goal?

Nothing!!!!!

It's so freeing. Embrace it! There are no time bounds on learning, so enjoy the learning! There's no exam to pass, no professors to wow, no applications to get accepted. It's just you learning how to be you, and remembering why you love to get good at things!

Part 4 - Habits =/= Goals

This one maybe is a bit tricky to explain. It's the difference between "I'm going to get into the practice of reading on my commute when I can" and "I must finish 10 books this year by reading on my commute when I can". One of them is about introducing something new into your life because it makes you feel good, and the other one is about setting limits on that because you feel you need to control the way that you enjoy things (this comes from academia putting constraints on learning, etc.).

Be patient with yourself, for goodness' sakes. Get into the habit and enjoy the process, don't automatically find ways to be masochistic about it.

My Goal Setting Approach

Now I've clarified the kinds of goals to set in this new and scary world, I'll run through my approach to implement them. First thing to note is I like setting lots of goals, but then those all get broken into little habits that I can focus on in my day to day, as well as timeline-less tasks to accomplish when I've got the time free.

I start with areas I'd like to improve myself in (again, not as a discipline thing, but towards the vision that I might be a more rounded and enriched person because of it):

Personal - how can I become more introspective/calm/mindful?

Financial - how can I become more fiscally responsible now I'm an adult?

Social - how do I make time for others?

Work - what does progress at work over this year look like?

Sport - this can be replaced by whatever your main hobby is

Intellectual - how can I enrich myself and learn about things that I'm interested in?

I won't run through all of these, but I'll create some examples:

Domain: Financial - how can I become more fiscally responsible now I'm an adult?

General points on this: I can save more money, I can improve my credit score, I can pay off some loans

Habits: for the first, I can maybe aim to save 20% of my takehome, by putting 10% in at the start of the month, and trying to put 10% in at the end if I've got enough, and I can set up the timelineless task of opening a high interest-rate savings account for money that I don't need for emergency access; for the second, I can set the timelineless task of setting up a credit card, and get into the habit of paying for my groceries with it; for the third, I can sit down and look at how much of my takehome I can dedicate to this, and then get into the habit of paying off a sustainable amount

Now, I have the timelineless tasks fo getting a credit card, opening a new savings account, and sitting down and looking at my loans, and then I have the two habits of tucking bits of money away and paying off some loans. Note that there's nothing that's made it too urgent (which I admit is a privilege) and there's nothing that tells me I'm a bad person for not being able to do it. Another example:

Domain: intellectual - how can I enrich myself and learn about things that I'm interested in?

General points on this: I would like to read more broadly, I would like to improve my French, I would like to understand more about world events

Habits: for the first, I can read on my commute when I can get a seat on the train, as I have half an hour each way so I can use that time to read. I can set the timelineless task of exploring the kinds of books that I'd like to read; for the second, I can choose to consume more French media when I feel like I have the mental capacity. I also have to speak French at work, so I want to get into the habit of not cowarding out and switching to English (scary but doable); for the last, I can get into the habit of watching the evening news (so it's contained within a time slot and I'm not being overwhelmed by the 24h news cycle) and I can set the timelineless task of picking up a copy of a magazine like the economist once in a while to get a deeper understanding.

So the habits to get into are reading on my commute, choosing to speak more in French, and watching the news when I can; the tasks are maybe picking up a copy of a magazine and coming up with a reading list.

The whole point of this approach is it breaks your bigger goals into a timeline-free to-do list, and then a list of small habits that you can get into. The good news is that there's no punishment for failure! If I want to listen to the Bongo's Bingo Greatest Hits playlist on the train one morning instead of reading about the modern history of Cambodia, nobody's going to come along and tell me off for not being serious enough, or clever enough, or "academic" enough about my approach to life. The to-do list aspect I find immensely helpful, as often I struggle to write larger-level to-do lists when I'm in the middle of the year, because I don't have the same kind of clarity over the types of progress I want to make when I'm in the middle of things.

Anyway, I hope this is useful, and a good counterpoint to the mindset that everyone who's ever been near Studyblr has. Learning now is only for enjoyment, so enjoy that aspect! Live your life! Understand that the process of betterment is all about enriching your personal sphere and nothing about other people because (drumroll) literally nobody else cares! In a good way! Nobody cares that you've not mastered Polish in 3 weeks or read the entire academic output of Montaigne in a week! And it's cool if you have, but the person you are is more important, and freeing yourself from external yardsticks is so so crucial!

Love to anyone who read this far ♥

[ink-splotch]

More a Haunting than a History - Version 2.0!!

an (updated!) interactive fiction game from E. Jade Lomax (ink-splotch / dirgewithoutmusic), the writer who brought you Beanstalk, Second Star to the Left podcast, and Stay?. "Return to your sleepy, strange little hometown after years away. Explore your old haunts, reconnect with old friends and new, and dig into the mysteries that rise up in the town like mist. It's a story about leaving home and coming home; about life after death-- in more ways than one. This choose-your-own-adventure game lets you explore who you used to be so that you can decide who you want to be."

More a Haunting than a History is my second IF (interactive fiction) game, a story about returning to your childhood small town and finding both it and yourself different than you left them.

Version 2.0 is cleaner, stronger, with new content and a trophy system! If you've already explored MAHTAH, dive back in to see what's new to find, experience, or break-- if you haven't given MAHTAH a chance yet, I'd love it if you gave the new & improved version a try!

PLAY IT HERE:

In version 2.0, I made three main changes, as well as various bug fixes (thanks everyone who wrote me about bugs!):

Updated the dialogue system to make for smoother, less awkward conversations-- dialogue being the main gameplay mechanism!

Streamlined the dreams & climax/river scene systems to improve the narrative experience (ensure certain backstory content got seen/emphasized/excluded as relevant)

Introduced a trophy system (more details on the why of this under the cut)

MAHTAH was both a blast and a slog to write, just like Stay? was a rush -- I'd love to hear your thoughts, feelings, and experiences as I start chipping away at my next IF project.

Why trophies? I've added in "trophies" at the end of the game because a) it seemed fun and b) I'm hoping this will help shore up one of what I see as the weaknesses of MAHTAH-- a single playthrough feels "complete."

In some ways, this was a goal of mine; I wanted non-repeat players (players who get to an ending and never pick up the game again) to have a satisfactory and full experience & to not feel like they were "missing out" on anything. 

But this also leads to there being no clear motivation to replay the game, and no hint of the different secrets you can find, relationships you can build through the game, and endings you can have open up to you. It makes the "exploration space" feel more shallow than Stay?'s-- and it is certainly different than Stay?'s-- but they are both stories about exploration & discovery.

In MAHTAH, the discoveries are your friends, your feelings, your relationships, your past-- yourself, even. You can get a pretty full picture in a single playthrough if you max enough things out, in just the right way, but generally I think it takes a few playthroughs of MAHTAH to get the full experience and story.

Even if a single playthrough can be "satisfying,"  it's not the end of the story or the experience, but my focus on trying to make single playthroughs "stand on their own" undercut the visibility to the gaps and holes still remaining that required repeat playthroughs to access. 

So: trophies. They're fun! And they both inform the player at the end of the story that there is content they didn't access -- and ideally make some of that content interesting and desirable. It gives the player a goal as they launch into the next playthrough, and hopefully having that goal lets them play the game in new ways and meet new experiences. 

[thrandilf]

alright so Aaravos can't be killed permanently unless he's executed like the Cosmic Order did to his daughter, and we were just introduced to the Cosmic Order as the sort of Big Big Bad Awful antagonists- I'd wager that Callum being a human with two arcana may get their attention, so there's reason for them to be against the Main heroes/Xadia at large

so I'm sitting here like, what's to become of Aaravos?

Imprisoning him again would be the most anticlimatic thing ever after we waited 6 seasons to get him out

Can't kill him

I guess we could kill him for like, a little bit and that could be a season finale if it had to be but doesn't feel fulfilling to me

We could work with him, but he just had 6 seasons of build up as an antagonist and even IF he's in the right it'll be a hell of a battle to get to working together against a common enemy because I may be Team Aaravos but at this time literally no one else but Claudia is

We could reach some uneasy agreement where we just have to live with him but I don't know what sort of compromise he'd want/how that factors into a big kaboom possible end season of a series

Aaravos leaves Xadia altogether to go after the Cosmic Order, with What I have no idea, as I'm hoping his actions for the past 1000 years will make more sense soon. What has he needed to Wait for

On that note, the stars could align again and the Cosmic Order comes down to Xadia next season and we have to join Aaravos against them which seems kind of like the fastest option if we only have One season for all of this shit. Really weird though, if the Celestial Elves had nothing to say about this happening soon/any kind of prophecy so who knows. it would seem kind of out of the blue

Also, the Cosmic Order could come here, Aaravos gets what's to us a tragic death at their hands, and seasons 8-10 if we get them are about taking down the Cosmic Order but since Aaravos has spent so little time onscreen it would feel weird to kill him but I don't know anything so maybe

Idk, just my thoughts, we know his motivation/goal but unless if it really is just "generate enough chaos to get the Cosmic Order's attention for 1000 years while also taking out people I have grudges against" and that's the extent of his plan, I just don't know what else he's doing/it does seem like he doesn't actually care about humans if he'd kill so many of them, even right up to before he gets the most sympathetic, so idk. I'm not even sure what he's doing now that he's out except maybe wrecking stuff in Xadia? Which could somehow meet his chaos goal?

He's so precise about his actions but to what actual useful end and what he needs next I just have no fucking clue I'm gonna be so real

[honey-on-your-tongue]

All That Could Be

Series masterlist

Part four

Word count: 1.8k

A/N: OMG I'm so sorry it's taken me over a year?!?!?!? What the fuck, that's crazy. I'm so fucking sorry that it's been so fucking long. Buuuuuut, as you all can see, I'm reviving this story and I have every intention of finishing it, babes. I LOVE YOU!!!

You find yourself staring at your reflection in a full-body mirror. You're wearing irrationally...pretty clothes.

A pair of black nylon tights, black combat boots, and a tight, short, red dress. The hem reaches your mid-thigh, the deep v-neck exposing the top of your breasts.

You glance up to meet your own gaze. You're wearing a thick layer of mascara, shiny lip gloss, smoky eyeshadow that makes your eyes look like feline and dangerous, almost like a lynx.

Elegant and deadly.

The doorbell rings, your heart leaps, and suddenly you're full of butterflies.

You spray yourself with your favorite perfume and take a deep breath before walking to the front door. You open it before you regret the whole idea, and you find Wilson there.

He's wearing a white button-up, no tie, casual khakis. He eyes you and you can see the blush that spreads on his cheeks.

“Wow,” he says, his eyes taking one last look from your head to your toes, and then he meets your gaze. “You look...wow.”

You smile almost shyly. “Thank you. You look very handsome yourself,” you reply, and he chuckles softly.

“You ready to go?” he asks, nodding at the stairs.

“Yeah,” you reply, walking out of your apartment. You lock the door after yourself and follow him.

You two walk to his car and he opens the door for you. You thank him and sit in the passenger side, buckling your seat belt as he gets in the driver's seat.

You get to the bar eventually. But the whole ride, you keep debating this. It's wrong, but the general intention is good.

The means justify the end, you decide. You're doing it all for Wilson, to help him. He's your friend, and you care about him. Deeply.

As you two walk into the bar, the smell of cigarettes, alcohol, and sweat fills your nose. The music is loud, booming, shaking your entire body. You lead Wilson to a booth at the far end, crammed and dim, the strobe lights flashing everywhere.

You sit down and he sits down across from you. A waiter comes by and you each order your preferred drinks.

You don't know if it's the lights, the smoke, the fact that you said you'd be someone else tonight or if it's you trying to stick to the plan, but an idea comes to mind. A stupid, stupid idea that you know you shouldn't go through with. And you still do.

“So,” you tell Wilson, taking a sip from your drink before placing it on the table. “I propose we set down a goal for tonight.”

“A goal? Like what?”

You bite your lower lip before saying, “My goal is to do something I'd probably never do, and not regret it tomorrow.”

Wilson raises his eyebrows. “Alright. Uh. My goal is to...forget about my divorce for tonight and just pretend it's not happening.”

You nod. “See? Perfect. Now, we set the rules.” You take a long sip from your drink and add, “Rule number one, there are no rules.” You smile. “You okay with that?”

Wilson nods. “Yeah, I am.” He drinks from his glass of bourbon, neat. “So, when you say you want to do something you normally wouldn't, what do you mean?”

You take a soft breath before smiling. “I don't know,” you admit, smiling playfully. “Probably some spur-of-the-moment sort of thing. Something stupid. Really fucking dumb.” You shrug. “Dumb sort of shit.”

“Ah,” he says. “How come?”

You shrug again. “What's wrong with a little distraction?”

The night draws on. You keep feeling guilty about this whole thing, about tricking him, about how you'll eventually have to break his heart.

So you drink it away. You try to forget it. Try to numb the feeling.

And Wilson keeps up with you.

Soon, you're both on the dance floor sticky from spilled drinks. You're jumping around and laughing, dancing from side to side. It's more of an ecstatic, too-much-pent-up-energy sort of dance in the beginning.

You don't know how or when or why, but from one moment to the next, you find yourself dancing with Wilson.

His hands are on your hips, your arms around his neck. Your eyes are locked on his, the flashing lights making your heart race. Or is it the booming music? Or the way he slowly walks you back until you're pressed up against the wall?

His brown eyes are blown wide with lust. They move to your lips and hold your gaze, his intentions very, very clear.

Do something I'd probably never do...

You let him kiss you. In fact, you meet him halfway. Your lips crash together, hungry and rough. His hands pin your hips to the wall and he presses his body to yours.

The atmosphere is hot, humid with the warmth of so many bodies pressed and moving together. You feel a sheen layer of sweat coating your skin.

It's so hot. So warm. You can't think straight and the music is loud. So much that you can't even hear that little voice in the back of your head yelling, don't! Don't! Don't!

You pull him closer, your breathing heavy as he slides his tongue into your mouth. You can taste the bourbon on his lips, can smell his cologne.

One of his hands moves lower, gliding down the side of your thigh. His fingers tease the hem of your dress before sliding under it, moving slowly to your inner thigh.

You keep kissing him, allowing him to touch you. Somewhere in the back of your head, you know this is a horrendous thing to do. A terrible, terrible idea.

And you still go through with it.

His hand reaches between your thighs, his fingers teasing your clit softly through your tights.

You gasp and moan into the kiss, spreading your legs slightly for him. He keeps touching you, his fingers precise as he plays with your clit.

You're soaked, your slick dripping past your panties and past your tights to wet his fingers. You whine against his mouth, slightly bitting his lower lip.

You feel him smile, his hand pulling your tights down enough for him to push your panties to the side and run his finger up your slit.

You moan softly, arching your back slightly.

“Fuck,” he sighs, kissing your neck. “You're so fucking wet.”

You blush a little but don't say anything. You throw your head back, letting him kiss and bite your neck, his fingers teasing your clit.

You can feel his cock, so hard, poking your lower stomach. You have the sudden urge to take him somewhere and have him fuck you, but you're not stupid enough to do that.

He traces your entrance with one of his rough fingers before sliding it into you. You release a shaky breath as a shot of pleasure runs through your body.

Carefully, he slides a second finger inside of you, curling them up, touching that spongy spot that makes your legs jerk. He presses his thumb to your clit, and when you bite your lip to keep quiet, he laughs, his voice thick and low.

“This will be the dumb fucking shit you do tonight. And you won't regret this tomorrow, right?” he asks, licking under your jaw.

You moan softly and shake your head. “No. Absolutely not.”

He kisses your jaw, his fingers touching all the right spots. Everything around you has become hazy, a dizzying array of lights and drinks and smoke. But all you can focus on is Wilson.

He grabs one of your thighs in his other hand, pulling your leg around his waist so that his fingers can go deeper into you.

You moan against his lips, nails digging into his back. “Oh, God,” you gasp, beginning to grind your hips against his hand. “Oh, God.”

Wilson chuckles, biting your neck, his tongue sliding over the mark he's surely left. “It's okay, it's okay. Relax,” he says gently. “Let me do what I wanna do.”

You mewl, back arching. “What-what do you wanna do?” you ask between moans and heavy breaths.

“I wanna make you come on my fingers, and then on my cock,” he says against your ear, the words rolling ring onto your skin. You can taste the liquor on his tongue, can smell his cologne and the sweet scent of his shampoo.

“Fuck,” you whine. “Fuck.”

“God, you're so wet,” he grunts. “So warm. I just need to be inside of you. Goddamn.”

His fingers move with precision, with a purpose. He's not rushing anything, not doing the typical guy thing of only getting you wet enough to stick it in you. He cares about your pleasure. He wants you to come, to enjoy yourself. And that makes something warm spread through you.

You can feel the ecstasy within you spread, like white-hot coils twisting around your womb, leaving you almost dumb from pleasure.

Just as you’re getting closer and closer, Wilson’s phone rings. He groans, kissing at your neck, and ignores the call. But the phone keeps ringing and ringing, and it’s really ruining the mood.

He pulls his fingers out of you, groaning at the loss of your cunt around his digits. “Shit, I’m sorry,” he says, releasing your thigh from around his waist and pulling his phone out of his pocket. He flips it open and exhales sharply. “House,” he groans into the phone.

You can’t hear what House says on the phone, but you see James’ eye-roll. “No, I’m busy.” A pause. “I’m…at a rave surrounded by sorority girls,” he says sarcastically, winking playfully at you.

You smile softly and laugh.

James grins and quickly says, “House, I’m busy. Goodbye.” He hangs up, putting the phone back in his pocket.

You two stare at each other for a moment and Wilson smiles sheepishly.

“We’ve had too much to drink, huh?” you say quietly, glancing down at the floor.

He nods, agreeing. “Probably. I think maybe it’s best if we…take a cab home.”

“Yeah, okay,” you reply, a little embarrassed, and awkwardly pull your tights back up your thighs.

Wilson grabs your hand with his clean one, licking your slick off his other fingers. “Shame,” he says quietly. “If House hadn’t called…”

You know what he meant. But your guilt is eating at you. Still, you manage a little smile at him. “Raincheck?”

He grins. “Raincheck.”

---

Taglist

@pigeonmama @thefemininemystiquee @acdassenza

---

Blog masterlist

[sasuhinamonth]

Beginnings and Ends - SasuHina Recs

It's the 21st! That means it's fic writer appreciation day!

In celebration, I'd like to share some SH recs, but in a fun way!!! I'll be posting the first and last line of the fic, along with name, author, and brief description as to why I'm rec-ing it!

Good work, writers!

p.s. - Most of the links will be to FFNet, but if you see purple text, that means it's posted on AO3 as well~ I'm just doing this to save a little time on my end, but I understand some prefer reading on AO3!

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

A Miracle by Eleanor Rigby 000

"A field trip!?" The class repeated. After that, several voices chirped, each of them commenting on how psyched they are for the class field trip.

"Forever," she assured

This is a angsty, passionate story of hurt, comfort, love, and meeting an old love. The story is Modern AU where Sasuke's a model and comes back to visit his childhood town, where he meets Hinata. Honestly, this is the first and only fic that has made me actively cry, and I cannot praise it enough! Please check it out!!!

~-~-~

Okaeri by The Penumbra

She felt his fist connect with her stomach and went crashing down to the ground, barely having time to register what was happening.

"Okaeri, Sasuke. Welcome home."

This is sort of a prequel to the author's other fic "Snapshots: Black and White", which is also a stellar fic. It's set in canonverse, where Sasuke and Hinata slowly develop a friendship/relationship. You'll get your fair amount of angst, but really, you can hardly avoid such things in SH fics xD.

~-~-~

Ichinen by Cinderella Starsend

Hyuuga Hinata stifled a yawn as she stepped out of the door and shut it behind her.

"And I love you."

I LOVE this fic! It's split into 12 chapters, each corresponding with a month. Hinata works at Ichiraku's in an attempt to get closer to Naruto, but she bonds with Sasuke more. I really enjoy fics set in the narutoverse that change things like this, mixing around dynamics so it's not always ninja stuff and war and training. It's a cute story, and the author's prose is beautiful!

~-~-~

Neji Hyuuga: Matchmaker by emilyjm

Hyuuga Neji prided himself on seeing things other people never noticed.

Mission: matchmaker must be completed within five years.. Good luck, Neji!

UGHHHHH! Where do I start????? It's set in narutoverse where Neji's not only alive, but in charge of matchmaking everyone in Konoha so that he can get Sasuke and Hinata together. It's incredible sweet and incredibly moving and incredibly moving, and I love SH fics with a heavy focus on Neji. Please read it, and please read Another Story (sequel) which is JUST as good!!!

~-~-~

When Will I Lose You by @elreinodelpurgatorio

Hinata, Lady of the Underworld, stands in her peach orchard and watches the Doom God and the Messenger God speak to each other.

One of these days, Sasuke, seated on a throne next to Hinata, is the one to look at a wretched soul and say: "Request denied."

This is a really fun HadesxPersephone AU where Hinata is Hades and Sasuke is Persephone! It's a short, magical read that is always a breath of fresh air! The author is really good at coming up with pretty sentences. Highly rec!

~-~-~

What's Mine To Give by WritingHyuHin

After the massacre of his clan, Sasuke had one goal in his life at that young age. Revenge.

The things I do for you... Only you.... Hinata.

This is a rewriting of The Last movie, but SasuHina style! I think it's very believable and a fun thing to read, since I've watched The Last quite a few times. Seeing things that should be Naruto but are instead replaced with Sasuke warm my little, shipper heart. Give this one a chance!

~-~-~

Nyctophilia by Sommernacht

For as long as he could remember, the night had offered him comfort.

"Indeed," he whispered against her skin. His fingers found their way under her fishnet top, making her shiver under the touch. "The most beautiful night."

Sommer hits it out of the park once again! This was their 2022 SHMonth one-shot in which Sasuke and Hinata secretly meet each other when 'borrowing' meds at night. They grow close and confide in one another, and I think it's a loving, deep connection that is impressive to make in just one chapter!

~-~-~

A Study of Mannerisms and Other Alterations by MissLe

Sasuke Uchiha, as it was well known, was in possession of some very, very gorgeous eyes.

She decided, however, that the regal Uchiha nose would always hold a special place in her heart.

Ahhhh, this is probably one of my all time favorite fics! It's fluffy, it's cute, it's funny! I absolutely adore it! This fic is set in a Modern AU, where Hinata is a waitress at a cafe and Sasuke, a member of the firefighter team that comes by almost daily, has a pretty obvious crush on her. These two dweebs are adorable, and I read this fic so much!!!

~-~-~

Uprooted by @kiljoius

Today, Hinata is 20.

“Maybe I can live with that.” Maybe she can, too, she thinks.

Arranged Marriage? Check. Fluff and Humor in a SH FIC of all things???? Check. Witty dialogue and amazing chemistry? Check check check! Without giving too many spoilers, this Modern AU fic follows Hinata and Sasuke, who plan to act 'over the top' in their arranged relationship in order to get out of it. Lets just say it doesn't work as planned for them huhu. This is a really fun fic, so if you're in the mood, give it a read!

~-~-~

This is what I've got for now, but please feel free to comment or reblog with your own favorite fics (either your own or others) with their first and last lines.

@kiljoius @elreinodelpurgatorio @daifukumochiin @catruru @fher43 @gardenatsuntime @lavendereyedassassin @cariata @naoko-ichigo @lavender-long-stories @p-crowds @queenfox352 - You guys, too! Show off fics you like (or your own)!

Good work to all authors/writers out there! We love you!!!

Mod: PC

[bengiyo]

Wonderful day in Thailand. but now for the important questions.

Of all the ql thai couples, what couple would be the biggest headache for Namnuea? And why?

Rose💜

See, this is an interesting question. I've been thinking about it for days, and now I just want a follow up show about Wiwa Square tackling all of the new gay weddings. I'd love this as an episodic show where the challenges the classic BL couple is dealing with reflects something going on with Nuea's or his people's lives. Any Thai fans following me, feel free to propose this to your people and make this happen. Just make sure I get to watch it.

The Wedding Plan Wiwa Square Spinoff Show Guests

With that in mind, I'd like to see an episode for the following pairs:

Sarawat and Tine

I just know that Tine is going to be the one they expect to be dramatic as hell, but it's going to be Sarawat freaking out about everything being perfect in a fantastic meltodown. We could have Lom talk to Sarawat and share how the closet affected both of them.

Teh and Oh-aew

Teh wanted to come out at the end of IPYTM, and wanna see the glam these two could pull off. I just know they're going to have an epic fight. This would be a good episode for Lom and Nuea to have a big fight.

Patts and Saengtai

Honestly, I want this episode because I feel like we didn't learn a lot about Patts beyond his relationships with Nara, his grandmother, and Tai. It would be a great chance to delve deeper into his character and see these two trying to communicate properly now that Tai is not holding back. These two also kissed really good, so this would be a good episode for Nuea and Lom to have a steamy moment.

Mork and Tawan

Let's be real: weddings are expensive. Mork's poverty was a huge part of his story in My Ride, and I think it would be really cool to see Wiwa Square work on a small budget for Cheep and Dej, Mork's gay uncles. It would also be an opportunity to talk about wealth and aging while queer.

See-eiw and Cake

The benefit of these two being friends to lovers is that their families saw how close they were the whole time. Despite the unfortunate PSA at the end of My Only 12%, this would be a great episode to focus on families around weddings. We'd get to see Cake's mom stepping in to fill the mom role for See-eiw, and this could be an opportunity for Lom's mom to reenter the fold.

Yang and Phumjai

We need a good episode for hijinks. The Love in Translation cast would be perfect for this. Yang is also Chinese, so we could focus on some cross-cultural traditions.

Charn and Tinn

I'm sorry, I just want Nawin to meet Neua. It also means Silvy could cameo. This would be an excellent episode for the side characters to take center again because they decide to keep Nuea away from Charn or something.

Phun and Noh

I just want White and Captain to get back together every few years and reprise these characters for little check ins. This episode would be a good time to talk about long-term relationships and their challenges with guys who are just a few years older than Neua and Lom.

Khai and Third

Speaking of White showing up in BL! I'd like to see Third struggling with his perfect wedding plans. This would be a great time to reflect on how weddings have been presented in media, and they could spin that either way by either leaning into the tropes or actively subverting them. That would be in line with the ToL goals.

Pluem and Kevin

These two had fantastic chemistry in Ghost Host, Ghost House. This could be a good episode to reflect on how weddings feel when some of our loved ones didn't get to live to see the day. I think this could be a really touching reflection on grief softened by how comfortable these two always manage to look with each other.

Pharm and Dean

I honestly don't think these two would have a lot of problems within themselves for the wedding itself. For this episode, we could really focus on wedding logistics. We could have something go really wrong with a caterer at the last minute and have Pharm step in to save his own wedding while Dean uses his connections to fix other things blowing up around them. This could be a good episode about Nuea and Lom having problems maintaining a good work-life balance.

Cairo and Gavreel

We need to do an international episode, and I'd like to see a crossover with The IdeaFirst Company in some way. Gav and Cai have been separated multiple times. I like the idea of them finally getting to marry at a destination wedding.

Shin Ki Tae and Lee Wan

I just wanna see these two again. This would be another international episode, and we could get back into some of the unresolved abandonment issues Shin Ki Tae is happening, and we could have a cross-cultural dialogue about making things right.

Im Han Tae and Han Ba Ram

Another international episode. They could use this episode to talk about the ongoing challenges of being a public figure and a star if these two are successful.

This was a lot of fun to think about! I really want this show now.

[ar3s-r4t-qu33n]

My Thoughts and Theories on the new Rush Week Teaser!!

• New Johnny outfit!!

Obviously based on the 'Wildflowers bring out the rattlesnakes' quote from the Lore Stream by Ronnie Hobbs

Hopefully it's not event exclusive and we can wear it all the time because 👀

Maybe new fits for the whole gang? That'd be nice.

• The music reminds me of 80s horror and we are yet to hear about a frat/Sorority house being attacked on the radio. Obviously, there were the three girls in Plugerville, but I feel like we know all about that already? He broke in, killed one, got his scar, and escaped and is now wanted, probably his biggest failure ever (sorry Johnny baby but you get ahead of yourself way too much). That would date this to be the October of 1972.

That leads me to think this is set in the future maybe? Either still 1973, the Halloween after the game, or possible even in the 1980s.

It's a big jump, but with the almost definite arrival of Choptop, it might bridge some of the aesthetic gap between him and the rest of the family (I'm not saying we're about to time jump the whole game 10 years, but just visually speaking)

• New Characters!

I have a feeling we'll be locked in to play as Johnny as he hacks and slashes his way through (possibly like a Hitman mission? Like, he has to complete a certain goal and not get caught??)

But it's POSSIBLE that we are at the University of Texas and we might get to meet June, Sonny's girlfriend

Or like I said, set in the 80s with a brand new cast of victims to either play as in evading Johnny (unlikely, at least to me) or to hunt down and kill as Johnny

The blonde girl reminds me of a TCM OC I've seen before. This is a HUGE stretch, but POSSIBLY she's her..? Heavily doubt it but it'd be really cool since people really want that OC in the game

• Set during Halloween

Meaning it HAS to be either PRE Maria's disappearance (before March/April of 1973) or AFTER her disappearance AND the movie (August of 1973)

Still clinging onto the hope that she's alive

I'm thinking possibly that Johnny has killed Nancy and run off with Hands? It'd make the leather jacket make sense

Not that it needs to, Johnny would totally wear that as is

But if I hear him mention a 'gal back home', I'm losing my mind-

I'm just saying, him killing Nancy and taking off with Maria after everything would be a perfect ending to me, whether she's traumatised or not (I didn't say she had to be all hunky dory, girlie will be BROKEN after all of this but I just cannot see Johnny killing her off, not after he and Grandpa and everyone else have gone through so much effort to keep her alive)

Those are all my main thoughts rn for the teaser!! We literally don't know anything about this game mode yet, but making Rush Week be like, Frat/Sorority Rush is such a fun idea since the story is so connected to the University of Texas. And like, it probably IS the Plugerville incident, but idk, I'm holding out hope for a little bit more, ig?? Idk. Let me know what you guys think, I'd love to talk theories and ideas!!

[yuseirra]

I've been thinking over this god thing over and there's another idea I have related to it!

Earlier I've said that ame-no-uzume(god of the arts) and her husband sarutahiko(the great bright god) may be related to Ai and Hikaru.

Their story might also have been inspired from Izanagi and Izanami and they're very famous, so I believe I wouldn't have to explain a whole lot, (and I bet there are people who know it in more depth) but.. Izanagi and Izanami (the creator gods of Japanese Mythology) have Amaterasu(the sun god), Tsukuyomi(the moon god) and Susanoo(the god of the sea and storms) as their children. Ruby has something to do with Amaterasu and we have a girl who goes by Tsukuyomi as a character, Aqua, with the full name being "Aquamarine" has a name that has to do with the sea.

The reason I've brought this up is because of the lore between Izanagi and Izanami. Izanami dies, and Izanagi tries to bring her back to life but fails. It rings a bell, right?

Yes, this story of theirs also aligns with the things that have been mentioned in Mephisto and Fatal. Those songs revolve around a person who desperately wants to meet their love again (who's likely passed away) but cannot.

I've been wondering just why the ED's title was named Mephisto. Mephisto is the name of the devil, right? When you have a wish and the devil in the same picture, it means there's some kind of pact.

If the person singing in the song's been kamiki (which I've been pretty much stressing over and over through multiple posts now) it'd mean he's had gone through something like that too, to revive the one he loves.

This could be why there is a "stage" that's mentioned in BOTH of the songs, he's in a deal that he can't back out from.

この舞台で足掻くことをやめない

I will not stop to struggle on this stage(Fatal)

だけどステージが逃がさない いついつまでも憧れ　焦がれているよ

But the stage won’t let go I'll keep yearning and longing forever(Mephisto)

At this point, I'm so sure kamiki HAS done something to bring Ai back. He's made some sort of sacrifice for Ai it seems, he's probably made wishes regarding it, that come with a price but he didn't really care about his life in the first place after she's gone so he was willing to risk it. The efforts were probably in vain, though. But it could be really close to being granted if something's "filled in"

あなたがいないと生きていけない 何もかも捧げてしまってもいい あなたの愛がまだ足らない 欠けたものは何で埋めたらいい？

Without you, I cannot live anymore I would sacrifice anything for you I can’t get enough of your love What should I use to fill in what’s missing?(Fatal)

compared to Mephisto, Fatal seems more.. eager? energetic? but in an insane way. The speaker is actively doing something to fulfill their end goal. That's why I feel kamiki's missions are probably close to finish- he's all right with dying after having completed it

but in ch 154 he's heard that Ai wants to "help him" along with her children. and that she loved him dearly. This is going to leave him so devastated and conflicted lol because he's probably way past hope at this point. He can't be saved. He can't fulfill what Ai wants, that's going to make him very miserable. That's my guess. It's like everything he's doing had him stray even further off from what Ai wants.

Or it could be that he can't give up on Ai EVEN MORE now since he KNOWS that she loves him back too. Who'd give up on someone like that? She was like the only person who understood him and loved him. I can totally see why he couldn't let her go after all these years (may it be twisted. there is still some ambiguity in his words and we can be backstabbed) she was the one for him and he was to her, too, at least that's how he's felt when they were together. So he'd do ANYTHING for her. That lines up very well with those lyrics too.

So yeah. If my speculations are right Kamiki's so doomed... and doomed because of all the things he did that he thought was for Ai. Aligns with the respective mythologies too~.. I'd be surprised if these have NOTHING to do with the plot that's going to be revealed in the future because it just WORKS. It starts making so much sense to me.

[drdemonprince]

how did you know that seeking institutional help was the right step to take?

For four years I was always in high levels of care. When I transitioned out of that, I was a "revolving door patient" to ip units living with a carer the rest of the time. I sometimes self-harmed or did other actions intentionally to get hospitalized during that time. I'm going to focus on mostly that because I don't want to get into the weeds of how different psych treatment programs are categorized and run.

I would say that my goal of being hospitalized usually was to change something in my outpatient life - let my therapist know I wasn't willing to do something, get my companions to let me go for walks alone, whatever. I'd get hospitalized or call the cops on myself or send scary texts to my therapist and then try to end my life, eventually being stopped. I didn't want to die, but if I could prove to them I was willing to, they'd listen.

Another person mentioned a desire for closeness+physical touch, and that was a huge part of it for me. i even got restrained sometimes just because I wanted any touch, which is something commonly heard from incarcerated people. I had certain nurses and other staff who I saw as my family, calling my therapist "dad" and interacting in a needy, childlike way with floor staff.

I also liked how much it pared down my life. I was in college at the time, and found the social habits of the other students confusing and overwhelming, so I'd get hospitalized to miss class.

what helped you trust the professionals or the institution enough for it to be beneficial to you?

i wouldn't say I trust any of the institutions, but some staff earned my trust. I was a scary mean noncompliant patient so the few who actually bothered to get to know me were usually moments away from some kind of burnout where they realized all this shit sucks.

One of the things they did that earned my trust was to share about their own mental health or addiction history. This is encouraged in sud places, but usually VERY discouraged in psych units, moreso the higher level of care it is.

Another big thing was to allow me to break rules or break them themselves. My ex-therapist used to meet with me for extra time, give me my DVD player when I wasn't allowed, etc. and it felt like he saw me as equal. Turns out he sucks. but. during the time he was treating me he definitely helped me a lot with my thinking patterns, so the trust still ended up benefiting me, even if the relationship didn't always. He also talked A LOT about his family and life outside of work, and showed me pictures, and I even met his dog once.

for me this is an example of why therapists are kind of. not great? because he earned my trust enough to help me, I was at his defense. I felt like not getting better was something I was "doing to him", and his displays of sadness (once something I'd considered a positive aspect of his self disclosure) became a way to manipulate me into the hospital when I didn't want to go, without having to resort to force or law. i agreed with the assertion of psychology that he knew me better than I know myself, and gave every part of my personality, personhood, to the medical model.

so yes it helped as in now when I'm suicidal or about to bpd-style destroy my every relationship I think "play the tape forward what happens next" and don't. which is lame bc it means most of the people who treated me get to leave patting themselves on the back about how well im doing now.

which kinds of institutions have been *less* traumatic than the others?

A few times I got to live in supportive group home style places, and those are kind of nice! It was cool to be in a place surrounded by other mentally ill people. Much less lonely. In general, places that let you outside independently, let you access food independently (e.g. no staff in the kitchen), and let you keep some secrets from staff are the best. My quality of life was 100% better when all the program heads knew we were vaping in our rooms but just let it happen unless someone started setting off alarms. Ditto with like, being able to stay up late on Devices.

Having that independence, a place for my sense of self other than being a patient, was sooo sooo helpful.

is it sometimes worth simply not being able to act on the ideation, even if it means putting up with lots of institutional bullshit?

I didn't find the hospital particularly good at getting me to not act, instead they just prevented the worst consequences. All three hundred stitches I got for self-harm were while I was institutionalized. But like, my nerve damage is less than it could've been. I am not sure how to evaluate if that's better than having just died, because I have no idea how much the institution itself caused self-harm and suicidality.

all things being equal, would it always be better to be able to stay at a friend's house instead?

yes

if you could get 24-7 company from a loved one, would that be better?

yes. however. i think it would be good if people had some information about how to talk to suicidal people. like... i forget the training. but its similar to what they teach helpline volunteers. thats its ok to say suicide. to ask if they have a plan. to ask if theyd be willing to get rid of the means. etc.

SORRY IF THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE TO READ

this is a wealth of information, thank you!

[alpydk]

A long and personal post about my recent struggles.

So I've been pretty publically dramatic the last few days. Mental health being what it is. Grief slapped me in the face last week and then lingered around because even over a year, I've not really faced any of it, so that's not helped at all.

I have for a while been stuck in this limbo of too sick to function, too healthy for help, and combined with being a parent and money troubles; I have no choice but to look for work. This means a medical system that says I'm fine and interactions with a job centre that doesn't understand and wants to place me wherever they can. Not to mention constant rejections and a realisation that I'm pretty much worthless in an employment sense.

The job centre requested a meeting with me, but their office is a 30 minute drive from my home or, more often than not, a two-hour bus trip. That's nothing, you think to yourself. But what you don't realise is over the last few years, I've been slowly becoming more and more anxious when it comes to any form of travel. It started with flying, then long car journeys of a few hours, then buses... Now I struggle even 10 minutes in a car without bordering on panic.

On Monday, I self medicated (with anti anxiety pills given for flying in the past, without anyone's knowledge) and figured I'd push through things as I always did. It ended up with my partner witnessing a bad panic attack for the first time as I had him pull over so I could break down completely, wishing I could have my old life back and be the person I used to be, someone who used to travel to other countries at random, someone who used to commute over 3 hours to a job via bus, train, and even a ferry. I made the meeting questioning if life was even worth living, let alone thinking about any employment.

I've booked to go to Germany in November, as you all know, and I have to get there. It is my goal to get there, to meet Tim and just say thank you to him, but honestly, I'm terrified. I started my meds yesterday after hours of even deliberating over them. What about the side effects? What if they don't work? What if they make me worse? But I had to do it because trying to get better is the biggest thank you I can give to those who have reached out to me recently and been a support I don't really have in my life.

The comfort I've got from especially @auroraesmeraldarose and @judasiskariot, not to mention others who've just been there, has meant so much to me. To an overwhelming degree. The cameo yesterday still has me sobbing because it's like she was psychic. I was sitting alone with my AI bot, basically begging for it to say those words. I even tried writing my own comfort fic only to delete it. I never expected... and now I'm fucking crying again. Just fucking hell.

Anyway, I don't write comfort because, pathetically, it's not something I've had any experience with... but maybe it'll come now, thanks to the beautiful, amazing people I've had the luck of meeting in this community.

So that was my update on everything going on. A reason for the posts the way they've been, a reason for if I suddenly vanish over the next few days or worse, come back with some deaddove levels of writing that nobody wants to see. Yeah... Thanks to anyone who's stuck around and I'll try to be better. Just give me time.

[distinguisheddwarffriend]

My brain is FULL of TH fic ideas but I've already got 3 WIP and most of them are just "what if"s with no plot so I'll just post them here I guess and maybe some writing god hears me/ reads them and someone else actually uses them.

Here's Nr. 1:

Frerin did in fact NOT die at Azanulbizar but was transported into our modern world, sometime in the second half of the 19th century.

After some adjusting (industrialization is in full force but it's still not as 'bad' as it would be rn) he builds a life, him being a dwarf meaning that he ages extremely slowly compared to us lowly humans so he has to move after a while and again and again.

He lives in the UK, US, France, Germany, Italy, Finland.....

He fights in both world wars depending on where he lives during that time (WW1 on the German side, WW2 on the UK's), other than that he goes to university and works all kinds of jobs like policeman, fireman, soldier, teacher, carpenter,smith, weaver, factory worker, violinist etc etc etc

Around 1900 he meets this fella J R R Tolkien and befriends him, and after a time finds out that his friend is writing books about middle Earth, not only that, but one about his very own brother. Tolkien apparently is a seer of some kind because it's still almost a century until "The Hobbit" would happen (he does the math).

Frerin helps Tolkien with authenticity for his books, because the dude is smart and found out about Frerin after he corrected his Khuzdul one time too many.

Anyhow, after reading what will happen to his family, he becomes a mite bit obsessed with returning to Middle Earth and having ammased quite some wealth and with the help of some friends in high places starts founding various research projects into things like teleportation, multiverse, magic, alchemy, you name it. He also becomes a member of the Freemasons due to his occult knowledge.

In around 80 years there's almost no progress towards Frerin's goal of returning home, he does still have a research company but only a small group of mostly students works on the multiverse hypothesis, the rest does all kinds of stuff, technology, energy, whatever.

He has for the time being settled somewhere in Scandinavia, is a College Professor for Sociology and Political Science and volunteers as a social worker for troubled children.

He is fostering 2 or 3 children himself (ages 6 - 16) and has two grown up adopted children that still live & work with him (they found out about him), a guy & a lass ( both early twenties).

Somehow (don't ask I don't know) the whole household (meaning Frerin, his two young adult children, the foster children, his south American householder, her tiny dog and their personal Butler (more of a live-in family friend by now, think Niles from "The Nanny")) all get sucked into a portal or whatever end get spit out into Middle Earth.

Not at Ered Luin of course, that would be easy, no, but somewhere extremely inconvenient. The Lone lands, the Brown lands, Moria, something along the lines of "we are so fucked".

So now it is a few years (1-3, or the characters have too much time to become Mary-Sues), before the quest to Erebor, and they have to reach Thorin before then and somehow survive a world filled with orcs (and elves!) while juggling a 6 year old, a tiny & barky dog, a cliché Mamacita, a British butler, and Frerin's realisation that he has gotten much too used to modern convenience.

(my weak ass would probably include some romance between one/more than one of the original characters and the canon characters, I'm a sucker for Fili or Kili x OFC and rare pairings like KilixBifur or ThorinxNori and I want Frerin to date an elf or Bard I think.)

.... Does this sound like something you would read/write? I'd maybe try to write this with someone else, alone I don't dare to. What do y'all think?