#HES MAKING ME INSANE THE WHOLE DAY

[allimili]

"Let's meet again next Halloween..."

[maythedreadwolftakeyou]

thinking about Lucanis again (always). and how so much of his narrative boils down to the theme of "control". and of course also about how this applies to the Rook x Lucanis relationship.

like the first scenes with him in the game are, in theory, about freeing him from the Ossuary (although he seems to have an escape attempt already in progress at the time, they certainly weren't just letting him keep those knives on him for enrichment purposes, Rook just provided an opening/distraction he could take advantage of and crucially Rook has A Way Out of the whole place not just a cell). but ACTUALLY the purpose it to put him right into a new contract for Us, one set up by his own grandmother and first talon no less, and the person he has the MOST trouble saying no to. He's escaped torture and the Venatori for sure but he still isn't free, which I think is part of what leads to Spite's confusion/the Inner Demons plotline. He agrees to the contract but you can tell it's in many parts out of a sense of duty/mourning vs something he actively wants to do for himself. And then the FIRST real heartfelt conversation you have with him, where he tells you "even before I was captured, my life was not really my own. So much had been determined for me." But he's chaffaing at that! He thinks "to live truly is to live fully" and so directly tells you he doesn't think he's lived a life true to himself. He's been constantly smothered by the weight of expectations around him, even though he longs for more.

And then once you get him to the Lighthouse you see how this Big lack of control in his life comes out as all these smaller frustrations. He's terrified of sleeping and downing 11 cups of coffee per hour because sleeping means he will lose control to Spite, even though Spite is shown to flee rather than fight when he feels threatened, and once calmed down, is more drawn to just benign curiosity/mischief than anything actively malicious. Like if Lucanis loses control and sleeps for a few hours he is not going to wake up surrounded by bloodshed, he's going to wake up to a belly full of candle wax because he wouldn't like Spite taste one while they were awake. Which is the other half of this--he constantly denying Spite's impulses for reasons that in some ways make sense (HE doesn't want to eat candles), but not in a way that's actually satisfying to either of them (why not just take a bite, chew for a bit, and spit it out so Spite knows they kind of suck actually?). But he CAN say no to Spite and so he does. Over and over. Spite's one of the few people he can deny things without feeling bad about it, because it's HIS body he doesn't like that has to share now (<- this is what he thinks about it at first anyway, but he's wrong, it's both of theirs and it's useless to try to hold those kind of boundaries forever. but the "no its mine" spiteful instinct is very beautifully ironic and reflective of them both and their early relationship).

And personally I think this is where his fear of his own desires and intimacy is coming from, at the root. I don't think he's afraid of the concept of being in a romance or having feelings (even if they're unusual and rare for him, this is by no means incompatible with him being demi) but I DO think he is afraid of the kind of power it gives people over you. Getting something you want means there's something else that can be taken away. Admitting your desire means the other person has the opportunity to deny that. The more you have, the more you have to lose, and he has lost again and again and again in his life--his parents, his childhood to the crows, his independence, even his future--he doesn't aspire to be first Talon but he knows the rumors. He knows his grandmother wanted it for him, not Illario. His life path has been laid out for him by others and up to this point he has simply been going along with it anyway, even though it bothers him. He COULD argue and fight Caterina and push for Illario who actually wants the job to be First Talon instead, but from The Wigmaker Job we know he doesn't. He just ignores it and pretends maybe it won't happen, without him having to do any of the work. Which is why in the end Illario is the one who has to make a move about it (and even warns Lucanis of this!!!!). Lucanis KNOWS all this makes him a target but is neither taking charge or getting off of the train tracks, just closes his eyes.

And I think THIS context is what makes the almost kiss scene in the pantry make more sense to me. Rather than being afraid of having feelings (and then NEVER addressing this in game with a Rook who pursues him anyway) or not knowing how to finish what he's started via crow seduction training, it's more like this is a pivotal moment where he can actively choose to step off the planned path of be given a job -> kill the gods -> enact revenge -> go home. even if he doesn't at that point realize that a relationship with Rook could be something that lasts long-term, the very act of doing something just for himself is what's foreign and scary and hard. It's that first step off the tracks, and even if he were to keep walking in the same direction, it means he's making a choice about it. he's accepting that one way or another it IS in his power to go along with everyone else's plans or not. Hence the hesitation, and drawing back, and needing to clear his head.

And then the rest of Rook's role in his narrative IS about giving him more and more control for himself. Inner Demons, dealing with Illario, his questlines move less towards revenge and more towards just... not being locked into one fate. Which of course Caterina comes back and immediately tries to overturn by declaring him First Talon after all, even though she and him and everyone else knows she's not ACTUALLY ready to give up her rule/decision making power yet. Which in a way is maddening because cmon I did all this work here so this sad man could have some agency in his own life just to watch him get sucked right back in (which, at least we get many directions to headcanon from here), but there's no denying that THIS version of Lucanis at least is actually going in with his eyes open now. THIS Lucanis has had a taste of life outside the Crows, and seen the politics and power dynamics in other places/organizations, and finally has emotional ties to the big picture state of the world now, both in relationship and friendship paths with Rook. He's not just hyper focused on each contract as it's given to him now, he's looking at the whole thing.

Anyway of course the beautiful culmination of all this within the romance is the lighthouse scene with Rook, where he finally is willing to let himself be vulnerable (emotionally and physically), and fall asleep without fear of what Spite's going to do in the meanwhile. He also (depending on dialogue choice) finally talks about his feelings directly with you for the first time instead of in roundabout ways (the dessert being "not enough" is it really the dessert you mean, Lucanis. is it.). Even though he is STILL reluctant to verbally admit his feelings or let Rook share their own at this point, I think that's more a narrative choice about saving those last emotional dialogue options for the big final battle. but it is another point where he does have to stop just following along and ACTIVELY choose that yes, yes sometimes loving is worth the risk of losing it. Even if someone takes it away from you later, even if you don't survive it, sometimes the love alone makes it worth it.

I have like another 5000 words I could add into about how Spite ties into all this, about how having the demon in him is something he both fears AND how it forces him to acknowledge that actually yes he DOES share the same base feelings/instincts Spite does in terms of not wanting to be told what to do. And how this in a way is part of what gives him permission to act on it since he can no longer just shove it down out of sight. but this post is long enough already so i'm just going to take the rest of this and gnaw on it all day like a chew toy I guess.

anyway. AHG. it is kind of frustrating that the culmination of his arc seems to be "and then he got the job he never wanted anyway" but I do think at least all this prepares him for it in a way Caterina actively failed to actually do on her own. He NEEDED that step away from his straightforward path. Whether he stays first talon or not, and with or without rook as a romantic partner, he's finally been able to explore ideas outside the expectations of others.

[lacyoflight]

So there’s this guy-

Sobs loudly

I love him so much

Helios belongs to @venomous-qwille and I await the day he enters fic like a maiden waiting for her long lost sailor back on the mainland

[introspectivememories]

please put your reasonings in the tags!!!! esp if you pick the last one

[dipndops]

Here are my parts for the Detective Conan Yoshio Urasawa MEP hosted by @marshmallowgoop!!

Go check out the project if you haven't yet to see all the fun things everyone did for their parts c:

Okay, now for a lot of rambling!

Part 3: Episode 1,010: “The Idol Whose Smile Disappeared”

I really wanted to pick a part and episode that lined up lyrically so I was glad that I could pair part 3 with this episode! For this part, I wanted to follow the story of Kayoko who is struggling from success as an idol (at least from the perspective of Futoshi the officer).

To match with the lyrics, I wanted to pick clips where Kayoko was stressing over her career and eventually finding confidence again. I knew I had to add the scene where she was pelted with (I think?) makeup sponges by her idolmates. That scene was super over the top and I think definitely sells the weird factor for this episode.

In the episode there are two separate shots showing her bright red shoes, one during a scene where Kayoko is crying and another when she is confidently striding outside. Initially I wanted to have the separate shoe scenes transition into each other but couldn't make it work the way I intended. Instead I wanted to keep with the theming by altering the colors of the first few clips to a monochrome red. Then, when we transition to a much happier Kayoko, we see the red shoes but in a brighter, colorful environment, reframing the symbolism of the color.

Part 9: Episode 976: “Follow Them! Detective Taxi”

Now this part has way less thought put into telling a story and instead I wanted to focus on how weird this episode is. This was the first part I worked on for the project so I was learning a lot about video effects.

For the first half of the part, I wanted to have the slide transitions to match Conan and Kogoro running around, emphasizing how hectic everything is.

With the middle section I wanted the energy of the clips to slow down at "don't wreck your brain." Sort of like Conan and Kogoro pausing to get a reality check of everything.

Then for the last section the energy is ramped up again because guess what, armadillo.

This was a super fun project and I'm happy I got to join it! I've never made AMVs before and only done very minimal video editing prior to this so I definitely learned a lot. Also, I haven't gotten to the newer episodes of Detective Conan yet, let alone any of the Urasawa episodes. It was such a tonal whiplash after I just finished an intense arc in the 400s and jumped over to watch these episodes lmao

Anyways, thank you again MarshmallowGoop for hosting! I had a blast working on this c:

[avatraang]

“The way he looked at you. I got it then. He loved you, and it was killing him.”

[ii-meeple-confessions]

I present to you all… the Meeple Timeline by @contractedcontractor !! Tumblr was messing up a bit and wouldn’t let them send it in asks so i’m opting to just post it regularly whilst crediting them :D It’s really well written and nicely formatted!! So please, if you like this too, go follow them!! Super awesome thoughts on meeple and ii as a whole…

[liauditore]

BDUBS DAY! BDUBS DAY! BDUBS DAY! BDUBS DAY! BDUBS DAY! BDUBS DAY! BDUBS DAY! BDUBS DAY! BDUBS DAY! BDUBS DAY!

[3-aem]

im gonna draw mouthwashing and im gonna draw it only Once and it will not become a new hyperfixation

[deargravity]

lot of lesbianism in the new BAE mv… what are they trying to tell us

[an-actual-floof]

I live in the secret good version of DAI where Solas is in love with the Inquisitor no matter what

[paranormal-taters]

the way that season one Carmy looks at Syd like she's his entire future. someone needs to lock me in solitary confinement.

[drenched-in-sunlight]

i like ghostflower (hell I draw fanarts for them) but I’ve decided I like the version of them in my head more and will just stay away from the fandom in general cuz I’ve seen some discussion and they just make me go “what on earth are y’all on” 💀💀💀💀

[simpforsolas]

[alkeneater]

E!2080 factbook (that's what i'll call it): brainwashing 😵

I wanna talk about brainwashing because it’s kinda important for my story and sometimes explains some clones’ behavior :) This topic deserves some attention :p 

In general, in my AU we have a cult atmosphere in the Shadow Tower, BUT it's not really a cult. The main goal of the Shadow Government is to grow clones into worthy leaders and soldiers, but at the same time loyal and stupid enough to make it easier to manipulate them. Various methods were used: working with corrupt psychologists, inciting hostility between clones, fake rumors, fake news on fake TV, fake books on the shelves next to the real ones, and of course the scare tactic.

Their favorite manipulation is obviously, “we're doing this for your own safety, the world outside is cruel,” and clones were sitting in the tower like princesses from fairy tales, yeah. You got me, right? Lots of manipulation. But despite the approximately equal attitude towards everyone, it still affected different clones in different ways. Perhaps some biological factors played a role, which I doubt, BUT Scudworth's influence on the clones also helped some to stay sane. I've said this a hundred times, but Scudworth LOVES his clones and he doesn't like the operation he was forced to participate in. Therefore, he did everything possible to prevent them from becoming puppets of the shadow government (he had his own methods, but I'm too lazy to describe them).

So, let's get to the point. I mentally divide all the clones into sane, deviant and ZOMBIES (or brainwashed). Sane people are those who have their own position, are less influenced by the Shadow Government, understand the danger of the situation and want to gain personal freedom. Zombies are people who are doomed to stay in the tower and be used by Shadow Figures for their personal purposes, because their perception of the world is completely turned inside out and will not be the same anymore. Between them, the deviant ones are usually clones who have some disorders due to trauma after living in the tower, but they are still aware of the whole situation and basically refuse to be someone's slaves. Now that we have a rough idea of the spectrum, I want to discuss with you which clone is where on this spectrum.

I was smart enough only to distribute the main characters (and a couple of secondary ones). Most of them are closer to sanity in the spectrum, but they tend to deviate due to psychological trauma, obviously. I want to mention Joan as an example, because although she is the “brains of the team”, she is prone to Stockholm syndrome and, as shown in the first part, sometimes remembers “home” and regrets what she did. That’s why she is not 100% sane.

But I definitely will have a team of complete zombies in the comic who will condemn the main characters for fighting, recruit other runaway clones and try to return them to the tower. Yes, there are clones who were initially against escape and were content to live in the tower, but now they survive on the streets and are extremely unhappy with the situation. But I don’t know who could it be.… But these are definitely clones from the extras, episodic or secondary! You can even suggest your own fan clones, just for fun! (Reminder: My AU is open to everyone and your fan clones can participate in the story, and they can be in any part of the spectrum!). 

That's it. I have nothing to add… ask me questions about my AU if you want, I’ll be very glad to answer! 

and read exclamation!2080 on globalcomix ofc!!! :p

[snaggletoothedbastard]

sometimes i wonder if i'm being harsh when i say cis people are weird and then i remember that my (now very ex) best friend genuinely seemed to think i could just therapy my way out of being trans