#Funny Stories

[inbabylontheywept]

i once accidentally dated someone for a few months. its very difficult to explain how this happened, but the gist is that i thought we were hanging out, and she thought we were on dates, and it was just a very painfully highschool thing.

she was a little bit confused that i hadnt tried to pull any moves, at all, even a little. like, didnt even try holding hands because, and i cannot emphasize this enough, i did not know we were dating.

so, halloween rolled around, and she thought, you know, why wait for destiny, when you can grab it? so she hit me with a clue by four.

babylon, she said. babylon. my mom's gonna be out of town on halloween, and im gonna have the house to myself, and it's going to be kind of lonely. would you like to come to my house and watch scary movies with me?

you know, kind of a netflix and chill thing. except, and i cannot emphasize this enough, i did not know we were dating. also autism. so i took it at face value and said: oh! yeah! thatd be fun! and she thought she got her point across, but she didnt and it was a mess.

skip forward to halloween: my family has a block party every year, right? and at that point i was too old to really trick or treat, but we still wore costumes for our role in the block party, which in my case, was handing out cotton candy. so i took the first shift, and my costume was this homemade abomination minion thing. i had full yellow body paint, and goggles, and a bald cap, and overalls. the kids who saw it were like, uh, hm. overly realistic minion. and adults were like, oh, some kind of hills have eyes hillbilly with jaundice. very scary.

(it was not my best costume.)

my little brother swapped me out for second shift, and i was getting ready to change out to head to her house when i was like: no, she'll get a real kick out of this. this is one of the worst things i have ever worn. so i kept it on and just brought a change of clothes thinking i could shower real quick and change at her place after she saw my nightmare getup.

so i left after that, got there, knocked on her door, and she said come on in. so i went in, and there was this very long hall with an abrupt right turn into her living room where the tv was, and i went down the hall, and i made the turn, and my field of view went from beige drywal to her, on the couch, naked. naked in the paint me like one of your french girls pose. super naked.

i panicked. this was my first time seeing a real person like, full on sex naked,which is a totally different beast from other kinds of naked. you see one kind of naked and you think yeah, im ready for all the kinds of naked, but you arent. i wasnt at least. i really wasn't.

so my brain crashed to BIOS. she also crashed to BIOS, but for different reasons. of all the ways this could have turned me, having me show up in yellow body paint and overalls was pretty pretty low down the list.

so we sat there a while, and you know, she wasn't getting any less naked, which really wasn't helping me get my brain sorted out. it really wasnt much of a surprise when she got her bearings first and started asking questions.

"babylon," she said. "babylon. what are you wearing?"

and i was like, kind of rebooted, but i was nowhere near full functionality, so symbolic language wasnt loaded in yet. i had nothing running but my trusty autism.exe, so i said

"overalls"

and she looked at me like i was the dumbest person in the entire world, and i looked at her like she was the first naked person i had seen in real life who got naked specifically for me, and my upper level cognitive process went: "listen man, we are not going to get our shit together as long as 80% of your brain power is devoted to not blinking. you gotta get out of here."

and if id communicated that, maybe things would have been less of a mess, but instead i just kind of turned around and walked back to my car. i figured i could drive a few loops around the block, get my brain in order, and figure out what the hell we were gonna do.

the only thing i had said to her since arriving was, again, overalls.

first loop around, i was like: oh god fucking damnit. oh shit. oh shit. shes gonna get like, an eating disorder from this. oh no.

second loop around i was like: oh NOOOOO oh WHAT THE FUCK oh SWEET JESUS PLEASE. i dont wanna go back man. i just wanna bury this and forget about it. please. please. let this bitter cup pass from my lips.

and after my third loop, i went and i knocked on her door again.

she answered it this time, and i counted my lucky stars that she'd changed into some pajamas. she was all teary eyed which was the saddest thing ever, and we sat down in her kitchen and talked. it was pretty bad - i figured out we'd been dating, and she figured out that trying to jump from home plate to 3rd base is considered ballsy in baseball, least of all dating. no real winners there. and i can remember after all that, we sat there a bit a bit longer, just steadying ourselves, and i was like "well, im actually really glad we figured that out. guess i'll see you at school tomorow' and she said "WAIT. wait."

"lets watch shrek 2."

so we did and it was horrible. we did not look at each other. we did not say a word. we just sat in stony silence, while shrek 2 played in the background, and when it was done we shook hands. i think we might have been able to salvage that as a friendship if it hadnt been for shrek. as it was she turned white as a sheet and ran away every time she even got a glimpse of me at school, and that summer she moved to a new state to live with her dad. all her friends said she moved just so she wouldn't have to go to school with me anymore, and i dont actually think they were lying.

every time i hear relationship counselors talk about how important communication is, and i'm tempted to roll my eyes, i look back and go, alright. alright. theres probably some poor bastard, somewhere in the world, who doesnt even know that hes married.

and god help him when he figures it out.

other bad dating story here.

[whatsupmykentuckyfriedfuckers]

I'm gonna write a story about an asexual vampire who just steps right into the sun because they can't eat garlic bread anymore.

[missshezz]

[thetransblog]

Day 4 of posting random trans memes I found on the internet (just so I can catch up for the two days I missed :3)

(Please read pinned post on this account)

(Not my art, if anyone knows the name of creator pls inform me)

[mylifeisfruk4ever]

“Where do you think you're going?”

“Um…”

“What did you want to do? A joke? Do your parents hate Bruce?”

"No! I…I didn't want to do anything to Mr. Wayne!”

“So what are you holding in your hand?”

“Well…”

Without waiting for an answer and with little ceremony, Jason took the kid's hand and opened it. Inside was a glass vial, containing a clear liquid.

“What the fuck is this kiddo?”

“Holy water,” the child murmured.

Jason raised an eyebrow, “Holy water? Do you think Bruce is a vampire?”

If jt weren't so absurd, he would laugh. Eh, a Batman wasn't that different from a vampire, right?

The kid shook his head, “No, not Mr. Wayne. The man who is with him.”

“Clark?”

“The vampire,” the other corrected him. “I know what it is, and he's hurting Mr. Wayne. “

“I doubt you know,” Jason said, holding back a laugh. Even Bruce would find it hilarious: Mister Sunshine mistaken for a creature of darkness.

What a story!

"I know!" the boy insisted. “I once saw Miss Vale lock his hand in a door, and he wasn't hurt! Every time he shows up at a gala, strange things happen and he and Mr. Wayne disappear."

It was all explainable if you knew their secret identities and you knew that Batman and Superman certainly couldn't fail to intervene when there was an emergency situation. Then they were in Gotham, there was always some emergency or mass escape from Arkham. Someone had made a video game about this, which had been far too successful and Jason suspected it had been created by the Riddler to get fresh ideas for future escape plans.

“Also, every time Mr. Wayne returns, he limps strangely and has bruises on his neck. He is clearly being attacked by a vampire!”

Jason opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again, “Did you say bruises on the neck?”

“Yes!” the child replied impatiently.

“What kind of bruises?”

“A series of red dots, very similar to vampire bites.”

“Or horny alien's bites” Jason thought with disgust. Now that he thought about it, Bruce occasionally disappeared with his good friend Superman, to take care of important things, at least as he said. Jason had thought those two were going around looking for clues, not looking for a corner to make out like teenagers.

Read more Bruce Wayne and his vampire boyfriend

[myceliacrochet]

For an opportunity to help feed a severely depressed family, click here!

@paper-mario-wiki @kibumkim @socalgal @chilewithcarnage @ghelgheli @sayruq @rooh-afza @knownoshamc @the-awkward-reblobber @soft-sunbird @cockworkangels @dannyketch @cramenjoyer @oreobunny2 @fireyfobbitmedicine @muminshoom @thedigitalbard @timogsilangan @tboynut @wildfeather5002 @fancy-feast-official @honeytonedhottie @cheloneuniverse @roseillith @thelastharbinger @lady-shadow-and-darkness @lemke6669 @hello-from-the-night-archives @stalinistqueens @sar-soor @1tsny4nc4t @fairycandles @girlinafairytale @cheaperimint @sinhasfluffyheadfur @amatteurrwave @sissa-arrows @taviamoth @spaghetti-gremlin @reduxskullduggerry @saintverse @littlegermanboy @maggot-baggage @celadonwanderer

[lonely-lesbian69]

It's hard to be mysterious and intimating when your little brother is the biggest cinnamon roll in existence and is standing beside you because he can't handle being on his own

[im-just-a-br0adway-baby]

Vaggie: (telling family stories while the rest of the crew sits on the couch) My mother's first language is Spanish. So sometimes, when I talk to her in English, she'll forget a word or two; but not a problem. She'll just create new words, words no one else is brave enough to use. She took my little cousins to the mall once when I was in high school, and this was what she told me when she got back.

"It was so cute; I took the kids on one of those... el horse tornado or whatever, you know what it is."

(Charlie and the crew laugh)

I'm sorry... el horse tornado!?

(Charlie and crew laugh again)

I'm gonna need you to elaborate. And she said,

"You know what I'm talking about. You put that attitude down, you put it DOWN!"

Okay, putting it down. Sorry. She said,

"Don't try me! I'll kick your ass!"

You don't need to kick my ass. Just put me in a horse tornado. I'll be terrified.

(Charlie and crew laugh again)

"You think you're funny?"

Mom, how would you act if someone said that to you in Spanish? Tornado de caballos!

(Charlie and crew laugh again)

That sounds horrifying!

She was like, "okay, that's pretty funny."

Merry-go-round, by the way; it was a merry-go-round.

(Charlie and crew continue laughing)

[tryingnsmiling]

Hozier oh my fucking god, bro

I feel it is only fair to my Tumblr self that this lands a spot on my blog. So without further ado:

god is real and I held his hand.

REWIND...

EXPLANATION: my sister and I bolted to Hozier's b-stage before he played cherry wine. we were lucky with our timing. we high-fived the man himself. he stared into my fUCKing soul and healed every sin and every aching bone. I think flowers are growing in my lungs and my tears are laced with pixidust. I am constantly in awe of how beautiful and talented this man is.

OH - and then he pOSTED my hand to his fUCKINg instagram. THE MOMENT my fucking life changed (changed is a strong word, but stfu let me have a moment)

Anyways that is all. Sorry for the brag. Hozier has been an important artist to me for a long time, and Cherry Wine especially is a really important song to me for a plethora of reasons, so this moment meant the world to me. Feeling very grateful, and I hope others who love his music get to experience it live, too.

oh bonus: my sister held this picture up to him and he looked at it for like a full ten seconds. She is very sorry, Hozier.

[fuckidontwanttobeafangirl]

HOLY SHIT

I just remember something funny,

a little background, my mom was a 4th grade teacher and I was her assistant and I would like help her out with grading and stuff anyway, this happened one day and I remember it.

*two boys goofing off in the front row of the class*

my mom: will you two be serious for once?

one of the boys: *punches other boy in the arm* TAXES

my mom sighs and goes back to the lesson like this was normal

I stood in the corner when this happened and it was the weirdest shit I have ever seen

[aniseandspearmint]

Stories are funny. We only ever have part of them, usually.

One evening in the late 70s or early 80s my mom was living in some part of california, and she let her dog out in the back yard and it got out, right?

And she was worried, so she gets dressed and goes to head out to look for it, because most people would've been like, 'ahhh scary doberman!' not realizing this was a dog that cried if it saw a mouse.

But she got out the door and turned to lock up and there he comes, trotting up the walk-

With a whole wrapped chicken in his mouth.

There's no one else on the street, just her and the dog. And he's wagging his tail, so pleased with himself. Mom took the chicken. It was still cold, and he hadn't punctured the plastic at all.

So she just opened the door back up and let him in, and they had chicken for dinner.

I sometimes wonder what the person who BOUGHT the chicken must've thought. Mom figured they were probably taking their groceries in the house and that, between trips, her dog must've spotted the chicken and helped himself.

I wonder if they were confused, if they maybe thought they left the chicken at the store? i wonder if this was forgotten quickly, or if it became a family story like it did in mine, except it was 'hey remember the time an entire chicken vanished?' instead of a funny dog story.

But I've only got the dog half of the story, so I'll never actually know.

[inbabylontheywept]

the house i grew up in was a little bit of a fixer upper. for the first 19 years, my dad just sort of slowly fixed it, but pretty early on in college, he came into a large amount of cash and decided to just do the whole thing at once. so he rented a different house for like, 2 months that was just a block down from us, and then got a bunch of contractors to fix original house ASAP. it was kind of crazy, but it compressed many years of work into like, three months.

the sitting in a new house for three months was actually pretty fun. and i shouldnt really complain at all (staying at home while in college is a sweet deal)

but.

but. my parents are fairly hard of hearing, and their bedroom in the old house was in the furthest possible annex from everyone else. wheras in the rental it was just in the middle of the house. so without going into details, i was extremely aware that my parents were having sex like, eight times a day. my dad had just retired and i guess they were celebrating, which is great i guess, having parents that really like each other is way better than the alternative, but also, it did make me envy their deafness. i kept headphones on for so long that year i got literal ear calluses.

at the same time, the house my buddy from the shoe incident grew up in flooded. turbo flooded. they burst like, two pipes at once and the damage was so severe they had to redo all the flooring and all the drywall. his family actually had homeowners insurance, which is either incredible or suspicious for a family that used the drained pool in their backyard to store rusty scrap metal. so insurance was handling the work, but in the meantime, they were crammed into a very small hotel room space. we did the math on it then, it averaged about 80 square feet a person.

so one day i got home, and i was chilling, and then six rolled around, and apparently six o'clock was sex o'clock because my parents decided to flex their cardio. i grabbed my headphones and prayed that god would do for me what he did for beethoven, but that failed to work, and then seven rolled around and my parents were still at it, which again, very impressive, but was pushing me to swap out judas for mozart in those prayers. there's a definitive point where you stop praying to be deaf and instead pray that god could take you to a nice field and pop you like a gore-balloon.

i was about five minutes away from that point when my friend called me and basically said i have been stuck in a 500 square foot space with 6 people and i didn't have many marbles to start but what few i had are gone. please. if we are friends, if we were ever friends, take me out of here just for a moment.

and i was still pretty mad at him, but i had pity on the poor guy. also helped that i was desperate to leave the house. so i drove the chickenshitmobile to the hotel and i picked him up, and then we did our normal hangout activity, which was go to food city and buy produce. his normal house was, on a good day, nasty, and his backyard was, as i stated before, mostly used to store mosquito larvae and rusty metal, so what we'd always done before was just walk to the grocery store a half block away and leer at vegetables.

so we did that and it was like old times again. they had some radishes that were expired, so i could buy like, literally an entire grocery bag of them for about $5. so i did. i really like radishes. he got a coconut because he liked fruit and beating things with hammers.

which probably would've been great except we didn't have a hammer, so instead we spent about 30 minutes stomping itike it owed us money. when it finally cracked we cheered like we just got the winning touchball at the superdome and then he ate some of the flesh, and i ate some of the radishes, and we admired the black, starless sky of the city before i took him back to his hotel room.

and then we got pulled over.

i forgot to turn my lights on because the street all around the food city was ludicrously well lit. so it went from being pretty bright, to pretty bright and flashy, then i pulled into a parking lot and a cop came to ask us for IDs which is where everything went to shit:

i’d forgotten my license at home. 

the cop was was actually kind of chill about it - he said he could get by with just an address. except i did not know my address. i hadn't memorized the new one yet. so i told the cop, my house is getting remodeled, i don't know my address right now. and then he went to my friend, and my friend said the exact same thing. house getting remodeled, staying somewhere else, no address, sowwwwwwy.

now the cop genuinely didn't know what to do. he went back to his car, and i was stressed that i was about to get into HUGE trouble so i started eating the radishes and my buddy started eating more of his coconut, and we actually managed to eat like a quarter of both before the cop came back. we ate enough produce that he could smell something weird in the air, and he asked what the smell was, and i said radishes, and my buddy said coconut, and the cop said which, and then we produced a large bag of droopy radishes and an absolutely brutalized coconut, and the cop was just like

so my buddy tried explaining how he was sharing a 500 square foot apartment with 6 people and wanted a fruit he could fight with power tools, and i tried explaining how i'd actually tried buying my parents like, board games and puzzles and stuff but nothing worked - the only thing my parents seemed to like doing right now was each other, and we both went on long enough and pathetically enough that the cop eventually went:

ok. stop.

and we stopped.

and he said do you know why i pulled you over?

and i said, because of my headlights, and my friend (who is hispanic) and the cop both looked at me like like i was the dumbest person in the entire world. and then the cop said no. that's why i'm allowed to pull you over. i checked your car because this neighborhood has a terrible sex trafficking problem, and i pull over every car i can to make sure no one is buying or selling sex. and you two are obviously doing neither. now i could give you, like, four tickets right now, but that would do nothing to make this area safer, so just turn your lights on, go home, drive safe, and try to be less stupid in the future.

and i said okay but i was thinking, you know, damn, this is just how i live man, i don't have a hidden third gear i can shift into. people can't just get smarter because it would be convenient. it's always convenient to be smart. i am literally trying my best.

but i didn't say anything because i was, slowly, learning how to filter what i said. instead i nodded and the cop left then i dropped my buddy off, and the last thing he said was said he owed me for responding to his SOS. I said he owed me for a lot of things, and he agreed that was true. then i drove home with my lights on, 5 under the speed limit, and arrived to a peaceful quiet home. I could’ve wept with relief but instead I went to bed.

the relief was short lived. i was woken up at 6 am by my parents. i swore, and then i prayed, and when i did not explode, i swore again. then i got up to make breakfast before my first class.

[marvelmaniac715]

I didn’t grow up in a house that watched Doctor Who (we were more of an I’m A Celeb/BGT family) so my first introduction to Doctor Who was a behind the scenes book about the making of the episodes that I read at school, aged eleven. The first ever Doctor Who episode that I watched was Fear Her, and I found it a bit boring, but I read great things about The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances so I watched those… and was promptly traumatised. Like, I had gas mask related nightmares for WEEKS. It put me off the show for years, but now I love it so it’s funny how things work out, isn’t it?

[missshezz]

[thetransblog]

So basically, I got to church a lot with my classmates because I wanna have a confirmation (which if you don’t know what it is, you can Google it)

And our priest is a very sweet guy but he is a bit confused about lgbtq topics, he’s got the spirit though

One time we were learning about Noah’s ark. And i had heard this too many times from homophobes, you know the thing about lgbtq stealing the rainbow and stuff.

I knew it was coming I could feel it, all I was thinking was just

“I swear to god, if I hear one word about a pride flag leave your mouth, I’m slamming this bible in my face so I can wake up the next day and pretend nothing happend”

And then he says it and it goes something like

“While I know that the…*nervous glance at me* the rainbow is used to represent other stuff today, but that’s what it actually means you know?”

All eyes turn to me.

And I’m thinking, brother. You do know the difference between this 🌈And this 🏳️‍🌈 right?

ONE IS A FLAG THE OTHER IS A REFLECTION OF LIGHT YOU IMBECILE, DO I NEED TO FETCH YOUR GLASSES MAYHAPS?

I didn’t really say that….but I thought it.

(Please read pinned post on this account)