#Finances and my own health are lacking

[thisismenow3]

Getting into your 30s can def be this. And I’m here to tell you that even your fears of the worst version of what OP relates are just spiraling. I’ve had a lot go wrong in my 20s with my health, my spouse’s, my family dynamics, I lost many friendships that later on I was glad to have lost and left friendships I’ve made peace with trying to salvage for too long. I’ve made a new great friendship with more forming finally. My health and my spouse’s still have lows but we are managing despite our bs healthcare. We still have many estranged family members, but like the friendship blank slate they all needed to be pushed away. And the one thing that is different about me now with my new hobbies, friends, and outlook on life is being able to enjoy the truly enjoyable despite almost anything. Cause even if things still need fixing in life I’ve learned so much and am a much better person on top of the wisdom.

The point is that there is always another side, the dark forest is not endless, sometimes the opening is a clearing but eventually you find the true way out to the verdant grasslands where you belong.

listen. aging into your thirties rocks. yes your joints get a little creaky. yes you can’t sleep in a pretzel on the floor anymore after a concert or a convention. and you lose some friends. but the thing is that you sort out who your real friends are and you sort out who you really are. and you get to see your friends settling into careers they like, and adopt new dogs and cats, and you find a job you can stand, and get really good at arts and crafts, and maybe that book you loved as a kid gets a movie deal and it doesn’t suck, and you learn to like new food and bake your own bread, and you realize that the great portfolio of self harm scars you all used to curate are going white with age and not updated, and half your friends are a different gender now and so much happier and maybe you are too, and you know who you are, and that it’s a journey and not a revelation. it’s a direction you’re headed, and you’re enjoying the trip.

reaching your 30′s rocks. and i’m hearing good things about what comes next, too.

[moonastro]

Solar Return chart notes ii

**not my images**

ᯓ★ chart ruler of SR in 3rd house may mean you will have a new (younger) sibling (or cousin).

ᯓ★ pluto in 1st house of SR is the year that i had a transformative overall year. I wouldn't call it an identity crisis but i was questioning who or what i am or what i need to be doing.

ᯓ★ IC ruler in 4th house in SR can make you more family oriented. i had this one year and i had a closer relationship with my household family.

ᯓ★ another indication of studying the occult is having vertex in the 8th house. i had mines in Gemini (mind, studying, writing).

ᯓ★ venus in 4th house in SR can mean you loving your culture and your traditions more.

ᯓ★ the ruler of 5th house in 6th house can be an indication of starting to move your body for fun. i had my ruler of 5th house (hobbies) in the 6th house (physical body, routine) and it was in Aries (fast moving, fast pace). i started dancing more that year as a hobby and for fun.

ᯓ★ 11th house SR in cancer can make your friendships very confusing. For example i had my 11th house in cancer and moon (ruler) in 3rd house (of communication, talking), there was lack of communication which led to confusion.

ᯓ★ vertex in the 8th house of SR can mean earning money/ getting money from other people. i had this in gemini (rules social media, and communication) in 8th house.

ᯓ★ when i had mars (action, messages) in the 9th house (higher learning, education) i had multiple of university offers. Mars was trine Neptune and the courses were art related. very interestinggg.

ᯓ★ ruler of 11th house square mars can bring conflict to your friendship circle.

ᯓ★ the ruler of 2nd house in Aquarius can make your senses change. what i mean by this is that your taste may change or say your sense of smell can become weaker or sharper etc etc.

ᯓ★ in your SR, when the 4th house ruler trines Venus, you may create a beautiful bond with your family members. This can also enhance your love for your heritage.

ᯓ★ Jupiter trine asteroid Aphrodite (1388) can influence self care. i had jupiter in Aries and i was very focused on the head/face and taking care of these areas such as my skin and my oral health. The asteroid was in the 2nd house which rules the face and teeth in medical astrology. very cool.

ᯓ★ when i had moon sextile uranus in my SR i was very chronically online. i had comfort in that area and would almost allow what i saw on the internet control my mood.

ᯓ★ venus trine saturn in your SR can make you become stricter on your appearance. this may cause you to be very aware of how you look and be quite strict about it.

ᯓ★ SR sun in 7th house, expect to be more confident. i had this trine pluto and went out of my comfort zone lots of times even if i felt a bit anxious.

ᯓ★ Mars in cancer in your SR can make you bicker with family members tremendously. i had this placement in a taurus degree (2,14,26) and there were topics related to finances being discussed quite often (mostly the females).

ᯓ★ ketu in 1st house of SR can make you more isolated. not always a bad thing this can just mean that you don't crave spending time with other people and enjoy your own company.

thanks for reading, have a nice day!🤍

[metamorphesque]

Considering the blissful ignorance with which Armenia is treated by the foreign press, I’ve taken it upon myself to keep you (those who care) updated on what needs to be known.

BACKGROUND

Following years of violations of ceasefire and intimidation against Armenian civilians, Azeri military forces used massive force in September 2020 to invade and occupy two-thirds of Nagorno-Karabakh. In September 2023, Azeri military forces took over the remaining territory, contradicting previously agreed-to negotiations and statements (OSCE peace negotiations, trilateral statements 2020,2021).

While an ethnic cleansing was taking place, the Azeri government arrested eight former members of the Republic’s government and advocates for the self-determination of Artsakh. Those detained include Ruben Vardanyan, an Armenian businessman and philanthropist who served as the State Minister of the Artsakh government.

Mr. Vardanyan and the seven others join over 50 Armenians arrested during the conflict, some of whom have been held for years by Azerbaijan. The negligible information on the health and well-being of these prisoners is deeply concerning.

Ruben Vardanyan

In addition to being the State Minister of the Artsakh government, Ruben Vardanyan is an influential Armenian philanthropist who in 2024 was nominated for Nobel Peace Prize for the creation and support for around five dozen new and unprecedented educational, charitable, scientific and humanitarian structures not only in Armenia, but also in a number of other countries.

Mr. Vardanyan has been charged with financing terrorism, although the legal situation for him and the others remains unclear and lacks transparency. The charges levied against him are considered completely unsubstantiated and are seen as an act of political retribution.

For this reason, it appears Azerbaijan is holding him as a political prisoner, hindering his ongoing projects and suppressing a voice advocating for progressive and positive change.

“We are gravely concerned about my father’s deteriorating health, though we are not surprised by his bravery," said David Vardanyan, one of Mr. Vardanyan's sons. "Despite our initial relief, my father’s conditions are only worsening. The world has shown Azerbaijan that it is watching the fate of the Armenian prisoners, including my father, and from our family I want to thank everyone for their support at this difficult time. I hope that this growing international attention may lead to his release in the nearest future. We urge the international community to further increase the pressure on Azerbaijan to ensure that at least his trial takes place in May 2024 with international observers.” The State Department’s annual Human Rights Report, released on April 23, corroborated the unjust conditions that Mr. Vardanyan and other political prisoners and detainees face in Azerbaijan. The report on Azerbaijan estimated that the country held approximately 254 political prisoners and detainees as of December 2023. The judiciary was also described as largely corrupt, inefficient, and lacking independence. According to the report, defendants in Azerbaijan were often “denied the right to a presumption of innocence; a fair, timely, and public trial; to communicate with an attorney of their choice; to have adequate time and facilities to prepare a defense; to confront witnesses and present one’s own witnesses and evidence; and not be compelled to testify or confess guilt.”

Today Azerbaijan has extended the detention period of Ruben Vardanyan by 5 months.

HELP FREE RUBEN VARDANYAN Join the international community in calling for Ruben Vardanyan’s release alongside the other Armenians being held in Baku, Azerbaijan.

TAKE ACTION by adding your name to THE LIST of supporters.

[yan-critter]

Can you do more of Yandere Childe fics? And your art, it’s so delicious like 😍😍🫵👌👌

Do take requests? How about a yandere husband Childe with a childhood friend darling. The darling hasn’t seen him for a long time, and when they do, childe straight up proposed to her or have an arranged marriage of sorts, hehe

Take rest and drink water everyday for good health 🤭🤭

I like writing for Childe because of how versatile he can be! A lapdog one moment, a wolfhound the next. Glad you liked my art too! I wasn't sure about posting it but so far it's been well received so maybe I'll post more in the future. Anyways, I loved your request, it was such a fun scenario I might've gone a little overboard lol

Enjoy!

★━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━★

Childe, who returns to his hometown after years of absence as a newly crowned harbinger, enveloped in the nostalgia of a familiar place. Amidst the tranquil snow-covered streets, he stumbles upon you, his childhood sweetheart.

Now a fully grown adult, you’ve become a prominent figure in the village, obvious by the way the local children tug at your clothing for attention. He approaches you, all smiles, and you recognize him immediately. His tawny hair is as bright as ever, and it’s all the more beautiful in the snowy landscape of your home. You’re elated to see him, his presence stirring up old memories of laughter and innocence.

But something about him seemed different now, almost…

Unsettling.

Before you could even offer a greeting, Childe was already prattling off about what he had been up to, and how much he had missed. You laughed, amused by how little he had changed from the energetic child you knew back then. His cerulean eyes twinkled at your laughter, a light blush coating his face in response. You’ve gotten so lovely since he last saw you, a vision of beauty perfect to Childe’s tastes.

After a few minutes, you invite him into your home, hoping to continue the conversation away from biting winds and prying eyes. He readily accepts, and you falter for a moment as you notice the odd yearning in his tone. But you brush it off, assuming he just wants to get out of the cold as fast as possible.

Offering him a cup of tea, you sit together at a small table and begin catching up. Hearing about his difficulties rising within the ranks of the fatui, you begin airing out your own complaints. The town’s resources, your finances, your parents declining health as they grew older, the list goes on. His face lights up, offering a solution in the form of an arranged marriage, a proposition veiled under the guise of providing for your family. He was a harbinger now after all, with immense power and wealth, truly lacking nothing. He could make you happy!

Plus, he could finally fulfill the promise you two had made as children.

Taken aback by the suddenness, you politely declined. It had been so long since you had last seen him, and with how much time had passed you were both different people now. You hardly knew this version of Childe, the 11th harbinger of all things, and he had missed so much of your life as well. Besides, you were only children then! Making silly vows by the lakeside that didn’t actually mean anything. The man's face dropped, frozen in his seat as he absorbed your words.

“Didn’t… mean anything?”

In an instant, Childe's demeanor shifted, his once-charming smile contorting into a mask of desperation and resentment as he slams his hands down onto the table. The dam breaks, angry tears forming as he confesses his undying infatuation with you, revealing the depths of an obsession that had festered over the years. Adamant that you were being heartless, to deny him so easily when he was being so so kind. You were the only thing keeping him sane during his time in the abyss, pushing forward with the hope of marrying you once he escaped, and now you do this?

You want to be cruel? He can show you true cruelty.

Your heart pounded with fear as his tone turned sinister, threatening to use his connections as the newest lord harbinger to ensure the village would never receive supplies from the mainland ever again.

The sincerity in his voice makes you flinch, throat constricting with terror. He wouldn’t do that, would he? Doom all the people he once loved over, what, some old flame he hadn’t seen in nearly a decade? But as you look up and see his form looming over you like a predator, eyes glinting with a ferocity you’ve only seen from abyssal beasts, you’re certain he’s not bluffing.

The innocent, bright-eyed boy of your childhood now seemed like a distant dream, shattered by Childe's twisted desires. Every word he uttered dripped with malice, his possessiveness morphing into a chilling display of dominance. His power a dark shadow looming over the safety of everyone you love. You shiver, the realization of how easily he could have your entire town wiped out being nightmarish.

As the snowfall blanketed the peaceful village, you knew that escaping Childe's grasp wouldn't be without its victims. Who were you to say your life was more valuable than an entire community? A life with Childe would not be peaceful, a prisoner within his domain where the line between love and obsession blurred into a chilling reality. But he would take care of you, and you would be sheltered and safe within his grasp. They would be safe too. Your gaze is downcast as you compose yourself, silently mourning the freedom of the countryside you took for granted all these years. You couldn’t let them suffer, not for this. Not by him. Resigning yourself to your fate, you reach forward and embrace him, the venom in his expression melting away as he sighs. 

And as you stand there held against him, the spitting image of two lovers reunited, a thought occurs to you both.

You had to be his.

[inkyarcturus]

give me all your headcanons for snape nEOOOOWWW (pretty please 🤎)

Okay so I think I’m going to break this down into chunks because I have a LOT of thoughts so here’s the first chunk :D

TW: for child abuse?

PRE HOGWARTS:

it’s pretty much canon that Sev came from an abusive home with an alcoholic muggle father and a pure blood mother.

Personally, I believe that his mother Eileen Prince was disowned by her family upon marrying Tobias. Although at first they were a happy couple, Eileen becomes pregnant with Severus and reveals to Tobias that she is a witch. Tobias, coming from an era where witchcraft is demonized and realizing the drain that a child has on his finances, becomes abusive.

Eileen tries her best to keep the abuse from Severus as much as possible, leading to her stopping herself from using magic as she believes that would just anger Tobias even more.

Severus is absolutely a mamas boy as a child and you can pry that headcanon out of my cold dead hands. He would do anything for his mama, growing up hearing stories about Hogwarts, magic and the legacy of the Princes, it was all he had to stay sane. Whenever Tobias was out of the house for extended periods of time, Eileen would brew with Severus as well, usually healing potions.

He would often be seen wearing his mother’s clothes because of the families lack of funds but also just because it was a way to connect with her.

The first time Severus uses accidental magic was to help his mom avoid Tobias, blasting him unconscious. It’s a mess of emotions for the rest of the night. Eileen is panicking, worrying about her husband’s health and her own but also trying to celebrate Severus’ magic so he knows magic isn’t bad (pure bloods are aware of obscurials). Severus is in tears worrying about his mother’s injuries, unable to understand the situation. Eileen calms him down enough to get him to agree to never tell Tobias about this incident.It happens again more times afterwards.

Severus is sensitive as a child, always crying despite his father’s anger towards his tears. He becomes agitated with himself, being unable to control himself. His father’s words haunt him every time he cries.

He goes years without any friends, not going to school because of his magical status, but still being allowed to go out to play and escape his fathers grasp.

The kids usually don’t like him cause of his poor hygiene, odd clothing and even stranger words. He’s rather intelligent for his age, but being raised in an abusive household has only taught him vulnerability is weakness and everything is a threat.

When he meets Lily he learns how to let go of his shields. He’s made his first magical friend, someone who doesn’t mind his clothing, or hair, or overall oddness.

He goes over to the Evan’s family house at least once a week. Lily’s parents constantly fuss over him, asking if he’s alright or need food or clothing. He constantly denies it because he doesn’t want to burden them, or have them look too closely at his home life

Eileen is so grateful her son has a friend she is brought to tears wherever she hears Sev talk about Lily (which he does, a lot). Whenever she knows Tobias will be out of the house she’ll ask Sev to bring Lily over so all three of them can make potions together.

Petunia is less receptive of him, constantly starting arguments with Lily over why she even talks to him, but generally leaves them alone to stay in her room.

Sev was always quiet as a child, he would play silently whenever on his own, keeping his thoughts within his imagination. His preferred method of play, pre-Lily, was organizing objects. He would organize them by color, shape, name, then mix them back up and start again.

With Lily he would let his imagination run wild, playing the part of dragon, knight, prince and spy, usually acting as a helper to Lily. They call each other sun and moon. He sees himself as a reflection of Lily’s light. His self esteem will only get lower as the years progress.

Occasionally, Lily would get extra allowance (Lily’s parents purposefully gave for Sev) and they would go to a corner store to buy sweets. I imagine he has a pallet for less overwhelming sweets, like matcha flavoring, but as he grows older he convinces other people he likes bitter sweets the most. I think he has an appreciation for berries the most.

Hope you appreciate these :D think took almost an hour to write and I keep on wanting to add more but this is honestly already too long :,)

Side note I just realized I can’t do multiple posts on one ask? So if you want the second chunk can you please send another ask :,D

[oraclemoontarot]

Was not planning on sharing my opinion on this, but I've seen it circling around a bit, and honestly, I find it absolutely absurd, silly even. If people want to know who their future spouse is, how their crush feels, hell, even what a celebrity would think of them, it is fine, more than fine. Especially if it's not invasive, disgusting, or an uncomfortable topic, it isn't an issue.

Tarot is fun, it's interesting, it provides insights when needed as well. Let people ask and be curious about things, let them enjoy things. In the nicest of ways, it's genuinely not deep.

For a tarot reader who provides personal readings, imagine previous 'clients', for lack of a better word, who have bought such readings only to see this sort of response? Why shame people and assume things about them? Not everyone who asks love questions or questions surrounding celebrities are delusional or insecure or uncaring about their self and unaware of what needs to be improved within themselves. We only see what they show us, nothing more, nothing less. It is unfair and frankly, disrespectful to place such assumptions and look down on those who are interested in fun, probably not as insightful or deep, readings. If it makes them happy and isn't hurting anyone, especially themselves, let it be. It's tumblr, it's tarot, and there are more pressing things in this world and within our lives to place focus on.

Plus, everyone is in different stages within their lives, some have already worked on themselves or know what steps they need to take, so why would they be interested in a reading that would only tell them what they already know?

Other people want things to look forward to, or a way to escape from certain thoughts or an environment, or they're excited at the possibility of who is coming into their life. Whatever the reason, we're all curious by nature, albeit for different things. You may be interested in self-care readings, finances, career, family, health, love, celebrities - everyone has their own thing or multiple things. And, for tarot readers who have both paid and pac readings surrounding topics you 'shame' or look down on others for being interested in, I find it somewhat hypocritical and hurtful to those who have purchased such readings from those readers who say such things.

I want to end it with, if it's something you want to see more of, or something you place importance on and value, then nothing is stopping you from posting such readings of your own. Some tarot readers have their own niche. Some focus on solely celebs, self-care, sex, relationships. And that is more than okay. If you feel like there needs to be more variety, you can be the reader who provides that. It would be more than welcomed, it would be a good thing, especially as, again, it's insightful, helpful, and a guidance some people are in need of.

Alright, end of rant 😭 just in case, this was a response to multiple comments and blogs I've seen, it does not specifically target the original post (as that was mainly aimed at tarot readers), as some people had stated they found people requesting certain readings as delusional, immature, and insecure. Which was just baffling to me and an assumption that does more harm than good.

[figs-and-cigs]

Ugh the poly fb groups are at it again. Shitting on hierarchy left and right. I get it, you had a bad experience with a married partner, add in seeing all the other stories of unethical behaviors, the constant criticism. So now the community seems to rally behind the idea that hierarchy=BAD.

So here's a rant about ETHICAL vs unethical Hierarchy in Polyamory.

Hierarchy is a relationship structure in which someone has (at least) one Primary partner. It is an agreement between a couple to put their relationship first either because they desire that structure or because it is necessary or both.

A married couple, for example, has a lot more to lose if their relationship ends than a couple who has a standing date once a week, or once a month. This could be in regard to finances, housing situations, familial relationships (like children), medical needs, and other long term goals. The relationship ending would mean a radical change in lifestyle for both parties (and any children involved).

When I say the relationship is put first, this is not to say other relationships lack value or importance, but that they function differently.

In unethical hierarchy the agreement to put the relationship first is usually based on fear. "We put our relationship first because we can't bear to ever lose each other, ever!" vs "over time our relationship has become structured around financial, parental, and long-term obligations we've made to each other."

While everyone experiences the fear of losing a relationship there is a slight difference between the emotional turmoil of keeping a relationship together at all costs vs. the conscious decision to make a relationship work because we've chosen to commit multiple aspects of our lives to each other. Neither is a guarantee the relationship will last forever but one is making decisions based on emotion while the other is based on reality.

The main difference between ethical and unethical hierarchy is the autonomy of the individuals within their other relationships. The reason hierarchy gets such a bad rep is because of the power imbalance a primary couple will enact on all "secondary" relationships. Any relationship with Veto Power is unethical.

In any relationship it is between the two individuals to make decisions for that relationship, a third party (like a spouse), or anyone outside of the relationship should never make decisions for the relationship.

My husband gets absolutely NO say in who I date, or how I spend my time with another person. Period. The moment we agreed to ethical non monogamous was the moment we agreed to allow each other the freedom and autonomy to make decisions about how our other individual relationships evolve.

This is where we can talk about the difference between agreements, boundaries, and rules.

Agreements are things a couple consciously chooses to do.

We've agreed that Saturdays are our date nights because that's when we have babysitting. We've agreed to raise this kid together. We agreed to create budgets for our finances, split bills, own a home, and have an emergency fund. We agreed to make financial decisions together. We agreed to be each other's emergency contacts and be privvy to each others medical needs. We agreed to parent together. We agreed to share a Google calendar. We agreed to be barrier free with each other but to use condoms with other partners.

There are often agreements with my other relationships too. Agreements in communication and when we see each other. What we do together, how are relationship is structured, and how "out" we are about the relationship.

Boundaries are things that I choose to do. I choose not to have sex on the first date. I don't enter a kink dynamic until a relationship has been established. Mondays are my rest days because I have chronic health issues. I don't answer the phone after midnight unless I'm out and about and it's my kid or husband. I don't agree to things I'm unable to do or am uncomfortable with. I use condoms with sexual partners except my husband. Every individual should have boundaries.

Now let's talk about rules. It's said again and again in the poly community that rules are unethical. This is because rules say what someone else can do. The problem with rules is that they take away from individual autonomy and can conflict with boundaries. Rules allow an outside party to dictate what happens in relationships. Veto Power and One Penis Policies are rules and are usually the main problems with unethical hierarchy.

If you noticed I have a personal boundary and agreement that are similar. My husband and I agreed to use condoms with other partners. This is an agreement and not a rule because it aligns with each of our individual boundaries. I choose to use condoms with partners who are not my husband. This is different from a rule because I can change my mind. Perhaps one day I decide I want to have barrier free sex with my play partner. The only thing is, because my husband and I made an agreement to not do that, I have also made the obligation to tell him about my change in boundary so as not the break the agreement. At which point my husband may then change his boundary. There's a good chance if I choose to be barrier free with another partner he would choose to use condoms in our relationship. It would be a rule if he said - "no, you can't do that," vs. "ok if you choose to do that, then I choose to adjust my boundary within our relationship. Our agreement to be barrier free needs to change." See the difference?

Hierarchy gets such a bad rep because of rules couples make to protect their relationship. "You can't date him because it makes me insecure." "You can't date her because I don't like her." "You can go out with them but you're not allowed to be emotionally involved." "We can only have sex with others if we do it together." "You can only date this person if we date them together." "You can't go to that restaurant, it's OUR restaurant!" Again, rules are unethical because they make decisions for relationships outside of the primary relationship.

This is the difference between ethical and unethical hierarchy. When there are rules that limit autonomy in other relationships.

"But don't agreements affect "secondary" relationships?"

Yes, and no. I like to think of agreements as a form of boundaries. Boundaries can be flexible (maybe I answer the phone after midnight because I was awake and you called and I felt like it.) Which means agreements, Consentual Boundaries made between two people, can have some flexibility. The discussion about barrier free sex being an example.

Another example could be in regards to finances. Perhaps my girlfriend wants to go to a show with me and asks if I can pay for my own ticket. I might not have budgeted for such an expense. My husband doesn't get to say no because he doesn't want me to go - I have to say no because my husband and I have financial obligations. Or perhaps I'm able to say yes because my husband was able to give me some of his dating budget.

In this regard, hierarchy may create some benefits for my other relationships. Imagine the same scenario but I am financially independent. Once upon a time I was a single mom. I had to say no to lots of dates because I couldn't afford to pay for my part. I had to cancel a lot of dates because I couldn't arrange babysitting - now I have a co-parent who is able to stay home with kiddo more consistently.

A while back I had a relationship end because I told her I couldn't stay the night Saturdays anymore after my husband's work schedule changed. This wasn't a surprise to her, I had said from the beginning that this was an agreement my husband and I had. I emphasized my desire to see her and what days/evenings I could still see her. While not directly said, it was obvious she saw this change as a form of "couples privilege" and thus unethical. Que my *eye roll*. I empathized with not wanting to lose our Saturday nights. But I continuously communicated that hubby and I hadn't had a date night in months due to his job, that the only night we have consistent babysitting is Saturdays. While quality time together is important for every relationship, it's incredibly important for us as co-parents to prioritize Saturday date nights.

It was clear she felt it was unfair that he got to see me almost every day (because we live together) while she and I had to put more direct effort into our schedules to see each other.

As anyone with a nesting partner knows, there's a huge difference between co-habitating together and conscientious quality time spent together. During that time I had the privilege to go out with her Saturday nights, on weekdays, and see her Sunday mornings. The "privilege" my husband had? He could work long hours without worrying about evening child care. Our time together was spent worrying about finances, how he could have quality time with kiddo, him passing out on the couch while we re-watched the same episode of the show because he fell asleep during it the day before. Sure, he saw me almost every day, but there was very little fun or quality time to be had. I got to see him stressed and exhausted.

My girlfriend at the time didn't realize she too had privileges. We both had flexible schedules to see each other multiple times a week. She didn't have to experience the finances stresses of trying to make ends meet at home. She didn't have to worry about kiddo's stress because dar was working so much. She didn't have to attend family therapy twice a week to help me and kiddo during this adjustment period. My gf got intentional quality time that was carefree, and fun. Coffee shop trips, art museum visits, exciting date nights.

I'm pretty sure she saw this change in Saturdays as a rule, or my husband "vetoing" one of our dates. The reality was my husband never said, "you have to stop seeing her on Saturdays." Instead *I* made the choice to uphold my original agreement to make Saturdays hubby's night. An agreement she was fully aware of from the beginning and one I explained multiple times. My primary relationships schedule is structured this way for a multitude of reasons, the main one being babysitting for kiddo.

Was it unfair couples privilege to cancel Saturday nights with her? Mmm maybe. Was it unethical? No. I argue and will continue to argue it would be unethical to not prioritize my relationship with my husband because our relationship ultimately impacts our kid. If our relationship suffers it could affect so many aspects of our lives but most importantly our child's. Period.

When she and I stopped speaking (which had more to do with communication problems than Saturdays), the only negative impact it has was on my emotional and mental health. It wasn't at the detriment of our finances, my home, kiddo's needs, or my other relationships. It sucked. That relationship was important to me, but it didn't have the same priority as my primary relationship.

There's a lot of talk about equality vs. equity in Polyamory. I might love my partners equally, but it's clear that my primary relationship requires more time, effort, and commitment than my other relationships. That doesn't mean I don't attempt to meet the required amount of time, effort, and commitments in my other relationships. Just that they're different.

I wrote a few posts recently about watching our friends going through divorces. These marriages vehemently opposed any form of hierarchy. Which is fine! I'm not trying to say hierarchy is a requirement or for everyone. However, as these divorces proceed we watch our friends worry about finances, housing arrangements, parental rights. As their marriages dissolve, that stress has also led to break ups in their other relationships. Polycules are falling apart.

I've read that there's a different between descriptive and prescriptive hierarchy. That a forced requirement of hierarchy is bad, but describing the relationship as hierarchial without any actual hierarchy is ok. Again *eye rolls*. Over and over again we've heard these non-hierarchial marriages are ending because there was a lack of commitment toward financial, parental, emotional, and scheduling needs. A wife needed a ride to the hospital, but the husband refused to cancel his date. One partner went on a vacation with their girlfriend, while the other partner had to work extra hour to make up for the lack of rent money. She became so rapt up in NRE she didn't come home for a week, and now he is the primary parent to their infant. They quit having fun together because "they see each other at home every night," and now the relationship has died.

Again, I'm not saying heirarchy would solve every problem, or that it's "the best" or every poly person should do it. I'm saying that every relationship requires a level of conscious intention. I know I'm being repetitive, but my husband and I made the intention and agreement to become co-parents, own a home together, intertwine finances etc. and with that came the decision to prioritize those things.

The good thing about these clear intentions is that it also helps define the boundaries within our other relationships. My partners KNOW they don't have to worry about my financial situation, my medical needs, kiddos well being. They know there's no expectations of us moving in together or having to wash my dirty dishes. While there will still be difficulties they're going to be different. Our time together often gets to be more fun, care free, and intentional. We know how we integrate into each other's lives without much worry about how it will affect our entire lives.

I'd argue it's unethical that the non-hierarchial marriage didn't prioritize their spouse before it led to divorce - leaving these partners in financial debt, homelessness, and struggles for child care. That the lack of priority also created enormous strain on the other relationships. His girlfriend felt obligated to let him move in, even though she didn't want a nesting partner. While her partners are happy to babysit, they can't commit to co-parenting. Their partner is becoming resentful because they can't afford date nights and had to take a second job.

Yes, heirarchy can be incredibly unethical. Failing to recognize the needs of a relationship and the way it's structurally evolved can also be unethical.

My final thought here is simply going to be that Hierarchy is not automatically unethical or bad. Like with anything there is nuance. Every relationship requires communication, consent, and intentionality. In Polyamory we consciously choose to have multiple relationships and with that comes a responsibility to recognize ethical and unethical behavior, needs, and the way each relationship is structured and integrated in each individual's life. Hierarchal, non-hierarchial, solo-poly, relationship anarchy, triads, quads, open or closed polycules etc. relationship are fluid and ever evolving but without clarity around agreements, boundaries, and needs they will fall apart.

End rant.

[illegiblewords]

SOME ILLEGIBLE RAMBLES AND REFLECTIONS: ON GALE AND MYSTRA

I've been on the fence about whether to make this analysis specifically, but after seeing a few other discussions floating around figure it's worth offering another viewpoint in case it resonates.

These analyses in particular are very subjective and offer an interpretive option more than anything. I might allude to discussions I've seen elsewhere that I have different views from, but different views don't automatically mean personal dislike for me. Life would be boring if we all thought the same way, you know? Anyway. Hugeass post ahead, proceed at your own risk lol.

One of the arguments I've seen cropping up recently is the idea that romance between gods and mortals is inherently unequal, abusive, and problematic. I am very much of the mind that Mystra abused Gale. The developers at Larian have stated that every companion in Baldur's Gate 3 is a victim of abuse in some capacity. Some of my favorite romances over the years have been between gods and mortals. Mystra/Gale is not one of those. I think blaming the divine/mortal dynamic for any abuse misses the point. Moreover, it absolves Mystra of a huge amount of personal responsibility in the abuse she committed. I think it makes the abuse focus on what she is rather than who she is, how she looks at others, and how she treats others. I reflected on the divine/mortal pairings I've enjoyed compared to the dynamic between Gale and Mystra. In every divine/mortal romance I've loved, the god found wonder and saw a kind of power they lack in their mortal partner. This power stems directly from their mortality. There are experiences and perspectives specific to being mortal that are invaluable. The god doesn't relate to those experiences and perspectives the same way. The god always needs not only humility but equal respect for their mortal partner in some capacity. Additionally, the god acknowledges that being divine does not equate to omniscience. This is not a god according to the monotheistic definition. It's closer to an immortal being who excels in a very specific area and has certain responsibilities weighing on them. The god sees the forest but may no longer see trees, while the mortal sees trees but may not see the forest. There is value in what is ephemeral and fragile, just as there is value in what is permanent. The god and mortal need to bring balance to one another in the sense that the god helps the mortal find comfort in a bigger picture while the mortal reminds the god what it feels like to be small, vulnerable, and intimately connected to the world/other lives. A healthy divine/mortal romance requires recognition of multiple forms of strength, intelligence, and value. That very, very much is not what Gale and Mystra had. Another layer to the 'divine/mortal romance is always problematic' argument ties to questions of power imbalance. I would argue that even among human beings--power imbalance always exists. Human beings are not identical or interchangeable with one another. One partner might be brilliant at math and runs finances where the other partner would be lost. The other partner might be brilliant at people and can navigate social situations the mathematician would feel helpless in. One partner may be physically larger or stronger than another. The other partner has the full weight of social/legal support in most conflicts. And this isn't touching on issues relating to mental health, physical health, economic stability, societal issues, etc. People are multifaceted. None of us excel at all things, find power in all things, or suffer all things. We each have our own pains and triumphs. We each have the ability to hurt each other if we want to. If we wanted to avoid any power imbalance in favor of 1:1 equality, the only answer we'd have would be to literally romance ourselves . And that's 1) narcissism 2) lonely 3) sad. Just ask Raphael.

But unhealthy power imbalances must exist, right? And there is a horrible power imbalance between Gale and Mystra. I would just argue it has more to do with them personally than because of Mystra being a goddess. I'd argue that we should be looking at Gale and Mystra not as mortal and god or man and woman, but as people above all else with their own experiences/motives driving choices throughout the relationship. Examine the ways they look at and treat each other versus themselves. If Mystra was the mortal and Gale was the god, if Mystra was a man and Gale was a woman, I would not change my stance regarding where abuse was committed. Imo people get too caught up trying to make sweeping generalizations instead of focusing on the individuals and how they specifically interact. This in-mind, what are some examples of unhealthy power imbalance as I define it?

A character is physically and/or mentally incapable of participating with proper awareness of the situation, as a partner with equal respect and sway within the relationship.

A character is dependent upon the prospective partner for survival and cannot refuse them without fear of retribution or withholding necessities to survival.

A character is being systematically isolated and made dependent on their partner for all socialization and self-worth.

And so on. Hopefully you get the gist. What I do want to draw attention to though is that these examples offer room to include a variety of circumstances or dynamics within their umbrella. Ex. An underage character with an adult would easily qualify for the first criteria, but an extremely, non-functioningly drunk character would also count. So lets have a look at Gale and Mystra's situation in particular again.

Gale has, by his own admission, been involved with the Weave for as long as he can remember. He sees Mystra as synonymous with the Weave, and with magic. These are things he explicitly states within the game. Gale also has notable reactions to say, saving Arabella from being killed over the idol of Silvanus or Mirkon from harpies. With Arabella especially, the idea of being treated as unforgivable or deserving death for a youthful mistake is something he talks about as if he has some experience with it. And while this is a video game with limited character models, I'm going to estimate that the tiefling kids are probably somewhere between nine and thirteen. We know Gale has been stuck largely alone in his tower with the orb for a year or so. The orb specifically is something that happened when he was an adult, but the way he talks about Arabella with implicit personal identification of facing older authority figures as a young person who didn't know better... I don't think this is the orb alone troubling him. Minsc also has a dialogue option where he talks about how in Rashemen, boys with an affinity for the Weave were hidden away and he suspects it was to keep them from being preyed on by Mystra. Not men, boys. I've seen people try to argue that Mystra would have been indisposed/dead and unable to take advantage of Gale when he was a kid due to the broader Forgotten Realms timeline. I'm inclined to say in this instance, with all evidence in the narrative pointing to a particular arc and theme for Gale and Mystra's relationship, it's more likely that the timeline was something Larian chose to fudge in the interest of storytelling opportunities. The alternative would be that none of those dialogue exchanges meant anything. The narrative is weakened if those moments are made meaningless, and the characters become flatter and less credible without them too. If it comes between trivia and the emotional core of a story, I'd argue the core wins. Gale claims to have slept with other people before Mystra, but that a romanced character is the first person he's slept with after her. I personally suspect it wasn't a lot of prior experience, and he was pretty young when his romance with Mystra began. Additionally, while it's pure conjecture on my part--given how Gale reacts to the tiefling kids it would make sense to me if Mystra started grooming him when he was between nine and thirteen years old. Other people have shared analysis pointing to evidence that Gale unknowingly dual-classed and was a storm sorcerer originally, but was told he was purely a wizard and then had all of his sorcerous abilities eaten by the orb without ever knowing they existed. I do think it makes sense for Mystra to influence Gale as a potentially very powerful sorcerer this way to 1) get him to self-limit through wizard spells so he's easier to predict and control 2) be completely dependent on and devoted to her, starting as early as possible. (For the curious, sorcerer Gale theory is here and here. Very well-done imo!) In any case, Mystra absolutely has personal motive to do what she did, that has nothing to do with Gale personally. That it turned into grooming for a sexual relationship isn't a huge leap in light of her apparent mindset either. But lets take a moment to review that.

This is a really good recap setting up Mystra's situation. Karsus too, by the by. This second video here helps explain Mystra's own situation. My understanding is like this:

Mystryl was the original goddess of magic. Mystryl was a born-goddess rather than an ascended mortal goddess, which is important to note because both exist in the Forgotten Realms. Mystryl was neutral alignment. The Weave, magic, and those casting magic all tied into her divine portfolio. Divine portfolios reflect deities' jurisdictions and callings, which empowers them through use in the world as well as mortal worship. With all this in-mind, naturally it benefited Mystryl to encourage experimentation, devotion, and arcane ambition. The more spellcasters pushed the limits of magic, the more powerful Mystryl became too. This was when the Empire of Netheril came about, with its floating cities and its magocracies. Worth noting, eleventh level spells were being used at this point in time. Cue a bunch of aberrations showing up, called phaerimm. Cosmic horror monstrosities that sort of looked like if you combined grubs and lampreys then made them way too big. On the one hand they were ridiculously powerful natural spellcasters themselves. On the other, they could straight up detect, deflect, and eat magic at will. Incidentally they were also extremely hostile to other life forms. So them existing at the same time as Netheril caused some massive problems. The wizard empire was at war, struggling, and panicking. Karsus was a prodigy and the one most people were turning to for protection at the time. Karsus decided the best way to solve the problem was to become a god himself using the first and only twelfth level spell (of his own design) then get rid of the phaerimm that way. The spell specifically required the caster to replace a god of their choice. Karsus, being a wizard, thought Mystryl was the strongest divine force of all time and chose her. The first video explained very well, but it basically sounds like as a born-goddess--maintaining the Weave was essentially an autonomic process for Mystryl. Basically required as much thought as beating your own heart. It wasn't like that for Karsus. Karsus might have been the best wizard in the sense that someone might be the best marathon runner of all time, but if you take that marathon runner and then tell them they have to pump their heart manually from now on they're not just going to lose any future races they attempt--they might just die on the spot. Which is kind of what happened to Karsus. Karsus became a god of ambition along with magic, then lost his divinity to become a Great Old One instead. These days he's a stone stained in the gore of his dead people who speaks in fountains of blood. (One of the reasons I'm not enabling Gale in his quest to become god of magic, by-the-by.) Mystryl died because of Karsus's spell. Mystryl probably hadn't considered mortals, let alone the wizards who gave her so much power as a goddess, a threat to her personally before. An incarnation of Mystra (not Gale's Mystra) was born from the ashes of Mystryl to become the new goddess of magic. One of the first things Mystra does after basically reincarnating from Mystryl is ban mortals from using magic at level ten or higher. Mystra is now aware that mortals can challenge the gods and straight up kill her personally. She still needs casters using magic at high level to empower herself as a goddess, but it's a double-edged sword that can absolutely kill her. And to make matters worse... this Mystra also gets killed later. The Mystra we have now was a mortal woman (Midnight) who kept Mystra's name to avoid confusing worshippers, who'd been chosen by Mystra previously and ascended into that role. Midnight-Mystra, from the sound of it, also got killed for a bit and had to get saved by Elminster.

Like I said before, I do think there were some timeline blips going on for Mystra with Baldur's Gate 3. As long as she's died and reincarnated twice, her psychological state is cemented. How long it took her to come back and whether there were even more deaths than that is less important. I'd argue the key ideas we're supposed to take away about Mystra from this are that she is a goddess who 1) at this point is an ascended mortal who may have certain inherited memories or experiences from born-deities 2) is hyper aware that mortals can kill her 3) has been killed and reborn multiple times, not just by mortals but the very wizards she draws power from.

This is absolutely a shitty situation. It makes sense Mystra has complexes around it. It makes sense Midnight-Mystra would feel especially afraid when it comes to wizards seeing as she herself is a former mortal, so her position likely feels even more tenuous. The way she interacts with wizards and relates to her own position as a goddess is not as someone secure in her own power, but someone who sees anyone coming close to her level as a direct threat to her life. She needs casters to be strong to fuel her portfolio, but if they're too strong they can challenge her. So she is using whatever tools at her disposal to keep them beneath her while maintaining her own strength. It's also worth remembering that Mystra has no pretense of being good-alignment. Her motive in confronting the Netherbrain wasn't to protect Toril from mindflayers, but to protect herself personally from the Crown of Karsus and protect the Weave from the Karsic Weave. If magic as a force is in danger (as per the Karsic Weave) she might try to do something, but what befalls mortals is irrelevant to her. I'd argue she's 1000% acting out of self-interest for Baldur's Gate 3. And again--it makes sense given her position. It makes sense given the track record for gods in the Forgotten Realms.

So, if we go with the in-game implications that Mystra is supposed to have been active across Gale's life and was active when Minsc was running around a century ago (referenced in his comments about Rashemen protecting boys from Mystra)... what kind of relationship has Mystra built with wizards in particular? This is heavy speculation here but I'm going off of Gale's experience, Elminster's behavior, a point of notable cattiness from Lorroakan, and Mystra's motives.

I think Mystra encourages wizards to compete for her favor, both through their arcane power and on a personal level. She encompasses their entire world and dictates everything they are capable of by holding the Weave in her portfolio. Casters are nothing without her. She is fickle in her attentions, moving between wizard paramours and chosen so they constantly feel the need to prove themselves worthy of her love. As their goddess, they have no room to question her or ask for loyalty born of personal affection. Mystra does not care. She is inherently more than they are and ever will be, and unless they have something to woo her through her portfolio specifically there is no reason for her to stick around. They're lucky she gives them the time of day. Even if she can't literally, physically, personally prevent a wizard from interacting with the Weave--she can seriously screw with them while they do. Mystra's first post-Mystryl act was to blanket-limit the spells wizards could perform, remember? And BG3 Mystra was able to pluck the orb from Gale's chest at any time, whenever she felt like it. She just didn't. Lifetimes of work, dedication, study, and innovation are not ultimately credited to the casters who built themselves through their art but to Mystra. Memorized spells, arcane gestures, the interaction of components. She can make all of that so much harder. And she takes credit for any advancement a wizard makes. Origin Gale has lines with Minthara where he struggles to see himself as capable of anything without Mystra's say-so and needs to be reminded that she can't claim everything he has ever done through magic, and she hasn't managed to stop him yet. The fact that Gale himself, as Mystra's former lover, doesn't believe this initially and needs someone who very much is not a wizard to remind him says a lot about the dynamic Mystra set up with him and (in all likelihood) other wizards. So how does all of this fit in with the grooming point? Well, magic users are going to be much easier to psychologically control if Mystra starts taking advantage of them when they're still children and don't know any better. She needs to feed off of their strength with no risk to herself, so she needs to make sure they are can't even fathom turning on her. Maximize the power difference, ingrain that shit early. And if it becomes a sexual relationship... Mystra can tell herself they're even less likely to consider turning on her because it's just one more way they depend on her for validation.

Mystra's own fear and trauma (like Cazador's) does not prevent her from becoming an abuser. And like Cazador, she's using it to fuel the abuse she commits herself.

Something else I want to highlight before I segue to focus on Gale further, is how wizards deal with each other and why policy differs toward wizards versus other casters.

Wizards are nerds with shared interests. They're fucking around to see what's possible with magic and seem genuinely excited when anyone innovates. Innovation is something they can learn from and incorporate it into their own art. But actual wizard friendships, at least in Baldur's Gate 3, seem to be rare. They undercut each other emotionally and often look for ways to elevate themselves above their peers. Gale's colleagues left him to twist alone in his tower for a year. Elminster prioritizes pleasing Mystra by passing on her message for Gale to kill himself, and defends her if the player condemns Mystra's behavior. He even gets angry for certain dialogue options.

(It bears saying, I think Elminster has been psychologically wrecked by Mystra too. He does seem to be trying in spite of that but guy's not well himself.)

Even if not all wizards look to become romantically entangled with Mystra, Mystra has definitely encouraged competition and mistrust between them. After all, if the wizards supported each other they might realize they're stronger than her and that she's been causing harm. Another potential death.

I suspect the reason Mystra focuses on wizards is because wizards are ordinary people who know they were born ordinary, and know how hard it was to build arcane power. They aren't as secure in themselves as sorcerers who use magic like a reflex. And warlocks manage to work around Mystra with patrons who aren't beholden to her. So best for Mystra to undermine, manipulate, or otherwise occupy sorcerers who are strong enough to pose threats and teach the wizards they'd be nothing without her.

... One of the other arguments I saw recently was that Gale was being disingenuous/lying to himself and the player when he claims he wanted to gift Mystra a part of herself back. That he only wants power for power's sake, is kind of a terrible person, and it would be boring if he was being genuine. I deeply disagree with this stance.

When it comes to motivation, I'd argue power is by nature a means to an end rather than the end itself. "If I'm powerful enough no one will be able to hurt me again," "If I'm powerful enough I can fix every terrible thing I feel the need to," "If I'm powerful enough I can push the boundaries of what is possible and find a sense of wonder at the results."

Power because power does not cut it as a motive. It's likewise with ambition. We're not 2-D mustache twirlers here.

Ambition includes experimenting with a project to see if you can pull off something new or particularly difficult. Finding joy in the process and challenge itself isn't evil. It isn't even unhealthy.

Competing with others isn't necessarily negative either, in the right context. Being an elite athlete at the Olympics for example, you're putting your own skills against those around you in the hopes of surpassing them. It doesn't mean you think poorly of your fellow competitors. If anything, one would hope you respect them deeply for the shared discipline and passion. (But you still want to win, course. ;P)

If you read my post about DnD's pantheon, it's pretty clear I'm not opposed to the idea of A. firing gods from positions they're neglecting or B. nominating others to oversee necessary-but-unused portfolios. There are established gods of the Forgotten Realms who need, urgently, to be sacked. Being born into divinity, set up through nepotism, or 'elected by seniority' is not enough to shield a deity from my judgment. Mystra is abusing her worshippers, and while her portfolio might be able to squeak by I'd argue she's been compromised and is committing unprofessional and detrimental behavior in her capacity as goddess of magic. ESPECIALLY knowing she's like this as an ascended mortal. Any other mortal would be well within moral bounds to replace her. She has no ethical high ground in that regard. Managing autonomic maintenance of the Weave is an issue, but if someone showed up to replace her with the argument that Mystra is unfit due to committing abuse... I don't think that person would be morally wrong. Ballsy as hell, but not wrong.

So what's going on with Gale?

Gale canonically, in dialogue, thinks he and the world might both be better off if he was dead. I'll go a step further and argue that before the game even starts Gale considers his personal self a net-negative. If he isn't offsetting that with magical skill, knowledge, achievements, material possessions, and overall usefulness--he doesn't think he has a reason to be alive. The universe is worse for his existing in it.

Gale brags because he's trying to show he has something of value to give other people when he sees nothing of value in himself. He's trying to prove he can be an asset so others will keep him around. He brags notably less as he gains a sense of self-worth, self-confidence, and general support as acts progress. The times he gets snippy with other casters are because if he isn't the only and most useful magic guy to get something done, Gale thinks he might as well be thrown away. He is replaceable. He's also terrified to admit anything about the orb in Act I because there is no way to see it as anything but a danger and a burden. When that's added to his depression, he's sure he'll get abandoned in the wilderness to explode by himself and it might even serve him right. No one will mourn him. They might even be glad to be rid of the burden he brought.

Gale wants others to like him, to see him as a good person, to see him as someone brave and smart and worthy of trust. He absolutely does not see himself that way. If he's trying to prove it to the party--he's trying to prove it to himself just as much. There's a line he can give with The Dark Urge where he comments that if people are being killed just for being annoying, he should be dead a thousand times over. If you get solid approval with him at the tiefling party, he'll admit he didn't have any friends before the game. And while I can only speak to a particular romantic route, in Act III he talks about having been told to his face at various points/in various ways that he's insufferable. He knows other people don't like him and don't believe in him. If bad things happen to him they probably think he deserves it. He might even think so too.

Gale doesn't see anything worthwhile in himself that isn't built through wizardry. It has to be because he was smart enough, worked hard enough, and showed enough character to earn his power. If it's sorcery (and this is only a standard he applies to himself) then all that effort he put in would become meaningless. He can't look at his personal self as having done anything deserving of value or respect if he's a sorcerer because magic was easier for him than other people. And if he can't provide any magic, knowledge, or resources at all then no one has reason to give him the time of day. People hate him. Mystra only paid attention for his abilities as a spellcaster. The mortal, personal aspects of him were things she put up with.

So forget power and ambition for just a moment. What does Gale as a person in that position, who feels that way about himself, actually want? I'd argue that he probably just wanted to know the person he loved most actually gave a shit about him as a person. That he wasn't disposable or only worth as much as his skills and material possessions. I'm pretty sure he'd have wanted that regardless of whether Mystra was a goddess. Mystra both being the kind of goddess she was and the kind of person she was kept telling him he should be satisfied, that he shouldn't want any more than she was giving him. He can't climb any higher than her. No one can give him more than her. She is divine, she is the world itself. Gale never felt loved in that relationship. Due to Mystra's abuse he got to a place where the idea of wanting to be loved back became sacrilegious. It meant there was something wrong with him, that he was arrogant and insatiable. How else could he feel utterly alone and unlovable with a goddess?

Gale desperately wanted to mean something to Mystra personally, so he tried to offer a gesture of love in her language. Something he thought would be valuable to her as an individual and something requiring a ton of arcane skill/strength to deliver. He wanted her to look at him like he was irreplaceable as a person. I genuinely don't think that's a power-hungry or ambitious thing to want.

Gale didn't understand the orb, and unfortunately for him he didn't understand Mystra either. She wasn't the wise and understanding goddess he thought she was. She never wanted an equal. She does not have it in her to love someone as such. The idea of equality, for Mystra, is something that must be crushed to preserve herself.

I figure that the Gale who ascends to godhood has accumulated a divine amount of stuff and power to compensate for his belief that lacking those things, he would be worthless. If Gale wasn't a wizard it might have been music, or writing, or fighting, or politics--any skill, influence, or resource could be used the same way. It’s not that ambition is inherently bad. It’s that for Gale, it’s unhealthy. The ambition isn’t for its own sake. He’s using it as a counterweight against his own sense of worthlessness. God Gale buries his problems instead of dealing with them. He will never know if a character who romances him only did so because they saw his potential and wanted to come along for the ride. He will never know if they'd have bothered to stick around if he was only Gale Dekarios, if he didn't have so much to offer them. He tells himself it's enough that they believed he could do it.

With the mortal Gale ending, we should note that Gale doesn’t need power to enjoy the study of magic if he’s healthy. His priority isn’t about pushing the limits of spells, making new ones, or making a name for himself. Given room to decide for himself, he just wants to uplift and share with others through teaching. His trends in approval and disapproval support this preference too.

For Gale, I really think ambition and power are crutches he uses to justify being alive because he doesn't see any other reason. Give him a reason and he genuinely doesn't need them. They're the means, not the end. He does not want power for the sake of power. Guy is sad and doesn't know how to live with himself. He's not a worse or less believable character with that being his motive. Stories are about people, and people don't move through the world with static 'flaws' and 'virtues' checklists that need to be balanced. There's nothing inherently deeper or more meaningful about villainous characters compared to heroic ones. People make choices and deal with situations according to their experiences moment to moment, trying to make sense of things as best they can throughout their lives. Gale fits perfectly within this. The other cast members do too.

And for the record, while I'd argue Karsus was far more ambitious in character than Gale--even for him, it wasn't just about power. The guy was trying to save his people. He fucked up in a horrible and traumatic way so he's a Netherese blood fountain now. (RIP Karsus but also someone please pact with him.)

And as one last, controversial section... what did Gale's experience with Mystra do to him when it comes to his relationship with sex?

From how Gale talks about and shows Weave-sex, I'd argue it's an extension of him feeling inadequate as a mortal. And knowing this is a controversial point + a lot of people have done and loved the Weave scene because it reflects Gale's love of magic, I offer this: Gale would not be less worthy of love if he didn't have magic. Gale does not know this about himself. He went from an archwizard with a tower and Mystra's chosen to a level one adventurer sleeping on the ground. His entire relationship with magic for much of the game is incredibly unhealthy because he sees the person left in its absence as worthless. For Gale to have a healthy arc, I'd argue he needs to learn how to look at himself as nothing but a man and know he's still precious and irreplaceable. He needs to learn that he doesn't need to prove he deserves to be alive. He isn't disappointing. He doesn't have to try to impress others all the time to have a place in their worlds. He doesn't need to bribe people with shiny things or unique abilities so they'll tolerate the rest. He can exist as no one and nothing but himself and be treasured just for that.

I think at some point Gale could potentially have sex in the Weave again as a repairing experience where he's confident that his physical body, his reactions, and his wants weren't anything to feel ashamed of. Reclaiming that from his experience with Mystra could be very powerful and sexy. But for the first time he has sex since Mystra, when he thinks he's going to need to kill himself any day now and has been struggling between terror and self-hatred, I personally think it's healthier for him to get the validation of being enough as just Gale. Not the Wizard of Waterdeep. His life isn't being advocated for because he's strong or unique in bed. Someone wants him alive as just a person.

And not for nothing... I'm saying this as a writer who can't not write. I've had to do my own share of reflection about how I look at myself if writing isn't the metric of my worth. I wouldn't think Gale needs to abandon all magic any more than I would need to abandon all writing. But it's really important to know we aren't empty trash without our callings, you know?

Before I end this post, I do want to invite readers to think back to those bullets I made before on unhealthy power imbalance.

A character is physically and/or mentally incapable of participating with proper awareness of the situation, as a partner with equal respect and sway within the relationship.

A character is dependent upon the prospective partner for survival and cannot refuse them without fear of retribution or withholding necessities to survival.

A character is being systematically isolated and made dependent on their partner for all socialization and self-worth.

If Mystra deliberately started grooming Gale from a young age, emphasized and exaggerated the power discrepancy rather than making any effort to close the gap, that's a pretty big deal. Gale definitely never had equal respect or sway in the relationship compared to her. She'd probably find the idea insulting in the face of her godhood. She didn't want a partner but a supplicant who obeyed her with no needs for himself. Mystra actively distorted Gale's sense of boundaries and magnified what she could take from him if he displeased her. His life's work, his ability to access parts of his own mind for spells, his means of functioning in the world, his ability to defend himself... but also? His health and survival, once the orb was brought into play. And socially, Gale was incredibly isolated. It sounds like he hasn't even seen his own mother in at least a year, which I have some thoughts on. He was friendless for a long time even as Mystra's chosen. And Mystra made sure other wizards knew when she abandoned him to the point that even Lorroakan was aware. Mystra's offense was something for others to look down on him for. And Gale struggles in-game with the idea that Mystra mistreated or neglected him--because how could a goddess, his goddess, do that? He's been gaslit so hard that he doesn't quite get a moment of fully realizing it wasn't his fault. In some dialogue options Mystra even tries to frame his trauma over her abuse, unaware even that he had the Karsic Weave inside him, as wallowing in self-pity.

Gale did make a mistake, but I'd argue it matters a lot that the mistake was innocent and that he's woefully misjudged Mystra's character. He's being told it couldn't have been innocent and he deserves to be punished for it. He largely believes that. Doesn't make it true.

[lumpyorganelle]

Enneagram Self-preservation (SP) Instinct

Keys words: Survival, comfort, stability, home, independence, practical foundation, resources, hoarding, well-being, domesticity, structure, sustainability, shelter, work, finances, safety, environment, self-care, balance

Summary of SP instinct:

The first instinct to have evolved. This is an orientation towards survival, health, and comfort. SP drive checks in with the body: “Is this not enough or too much?” and orients by what the body reports on its needs. Of the three instincts, this is the oldest one; it dictates: “I must survive.”

primary concerns:

physical safety, comfort, and well-being; securing an orderly and aesthetically pleasing way of life (food, clothing, money, housing, and physical health)

primary focus:

security, comfort, and well-being of the environment (lighting, temperature, comfortable furniture, aesthetics, food quality)

primary ambition:

using practicality and financial sense to create a secure environment in the home and workplace (paying bills, acquiring skills to ensure the orderly flow of life)

primary stresses:

money, sustenance (how they will get food, when it will come, if they will like it, if it fits their diet), scarcity of resources

coping methods (unhealthy/distorted):

over-stocking, overbuying, overeating, under-eating, over-purging, oversleeping, under-sleeping, overindulging in aesthetics or comfort foods, not exercising or over-exercising, constant concern about lack of resources and survival, lethargy and fear of stepping out of comfort zones, never feeling secure or struggling to relax

Topics SP types might bring up in conversation:

food, dining out, dieting, nutrition, health, fitness, appearance and looks, money, savings and sales, shopping, quality or durability of objects, clothing, design, home decoration, employment, benefits, insurance, comfort, strength, vitality, sickness, death, discomfort, noise, safety, security, environment, resource management, physical sciences, engineering, architecture.

Example thoughts SP subtypes might have:

Physical Well-Being: 

Is this food healthy? Why do I feel so tired today? When can I get back to the gym so I can feel more energetic? Could I climb to the top of this mountain? Could I survive in the forest for one month?

Self-Regulation and Skills: 

Can I take this apart/fix it? How does this work? What work needs to be done to get what I want? How can I autonomously create my own life? Did we do the laundry? Are my affairs in order? Will I be able to settle in a new place? How do I make this more convenient?

Foundations and Resources: 

Is owning property better than renting? How much money do I have this month? Where’s the closest grocery store? Why am I stuck here when I really want to travel and see the rest of the world? Why isn’t there enough nature in this city? Do I have any savings?

References:

https://thepracticalenneagram.com/instincts/self-preservation-instinct/

https://re-fi-ne-ment.tumblr.com/post/161035338043/instinctual-variants-and-cruelty

https://www.reddit.com/r/Enneagram/comments/14bw32k/are_enneagrammers_instinct_example_thoughts/

[peter1rose]

Well, after deciding I may move on from this account I find myself again in a situation I cannot confide in others. So I will let it out here.

I might be homeless next month.

It's scary, embarrassing, humiliating... and I feel so abandoned. I will not put up a link for donations. Call it pride, but I will call it guilt.

I've slowly become more and more distant from all the people around me. Moving was extremely taxing on me mentally, but necessary for me to move physically from an unsafe environment. I knew I didn't make enough money but, with grants for school, I thought I could make it work. Then I become horribly sick and had to withdraw from classes. Bedridden and in the ER for the second time in my academic career, my work began to dwindle, and illness made me all the more reclusive. I have nobody I can turn to and no money in which to rely upon myself. My roommates and I no longer meet the income requirements to renew our lease. It's easy to forget we're in a recession when you watch so many people online party and consume every weekend, but both of the people that I live with lost their jobs and there hasn't been any hope for financial recovery since.

I had been trying to stay positive until tonight. I was working on commissions and trying to find freelance and contract work on top of my day job, but my partner wasn't as hopeful. She gave up the moment our roommate lost his job, despite the fact that she never even looked at our options. I alone was looking for new housing arrangements. It crushed me when she told me she was considering moving in with her parents when she knew I had no such solution. But it's wrong of me to try to convince her otherwise. I've seen finances ruin other relationships, and I've experienced it as well in my past. But I still feel hurt and abandoned. She assured me when we moved that I wouldn't have to be homeless and I would never have to return to that house, but now that things have fallen through she's given up on me, and I know I'm selfish for thinking so.

When I first moved my father used to taunt me. He would say, "You'll be back eventually." He knew I wouldn't make it, and while I don't think he meant any harm, he had been rubbing it in my face. Aside from the trauma I endured back home, and the lack of a room to return to, I will not let him be right. I have told them I would rather die than return.

For context, and tw for abuse and SA, I was sexually assaulted on multiple occasions over several years, as well as emotionally abused and blackmailed in that house. It was not from my family, but from someone they took in as their own.

I just need to trust that something will work out in the end and keep pursuing more work while my health allows.

[covid-safer-hotties]

Why the next pandemic could come from the Arctic — and what to do about it - Published Sept 4, 2024

By: Christian Sonne

Only a unified approach across disciplines can reduce the underappreciated threat of emerging diseases arising in the north.

The Arctic is under stress, that much is known. Between 1979 and 2021, the region warmed four times faster than the global average, with effects — as yet poorly understood — on its ecology and ability to store carbon, on global sea levels and on wider ocean-circulation and weather patterns.

Add in the effects of biodiversity loss and pollution, and people often refer to a triple planetary crisis. I think we should actually be talking about a quadruple crisis. Since starting research in the Arctic in 1997, I have spent nearly all of my summers there, monitoring changes in pollution levels, habitats and food webs using a ‘One Health’ approach that integrates effects on wildlife, humans and ecosystems. And it’s becoming clear that, as the Arctic warms, its environment degrades and human activities increase, new health threats are emerging. In particular, the Arctic is likely to become a hotbed for zoonotic diseases that spill over into humans from other animals. That threat was brought home to all of us by the COVID-19 pandemic. We need to take seriously the possibility that the next pandemic could come from the north.

Some 60% of emerging infectious diseases are zoonotic. Their emergence and spillover is in general highly interlinked with habitat degradation, biodiversity loss and food-web changes — all of which are present in the Arctic. But a warming Arctic harbours other risks. As sea ice thaws, ‘forever chemicals’ are increasingly being transported into Arctic environments. These include mercury, per- and polyfluoroalkyl substances and polychlorinated biphenyls, all known to modulate human and animal immune systems and increase vulnerability to respiratory infections. Invasive fish and whale species are also bringing in industrial chemicals and their own diseases.

The pathogens enter an environment in which some native species, such as polar bears (Ursus maritimus), have not been exposed to them, and so are at increased risk. The release of ancient microorganisms long frozen in ice and sediments as the landscape thaws adds to this danger: humans and other wildlife are likely to lack any immune defences against them.

These risk factors are set to increase. The first ice-free Arctic summers could come as early as the 2030s. The Arctic Ocean has huge potential for energy, fishery and tourism sectors, and is not subject to any global treaty regulating its exploitation. Further wildlife disturbance, pollution, overfishing and jurisdictional conflicts are the likely result.

The current perception is that the Arctic possesses relatively low microbial activity. Compared with temperate and tropical latitudes, many fewer resources are devoted to studying zoonoses in the Arctic, with sparse surveillance for emerging threats in most areas. This needs to change — taking account of human, animal and wider environmental perspectives.

When it comes to logistics, low-tech is high-tech in the Arctic. On the human side, Canadian researchers have already started taking samples from sewage and other sources that can easily be analysed for the presence of viral pathogens. This kind of approach should be combined with better access to community health care, clinical inspections and consultations with local doctors. A particular flash point is the handling and consumption of raw or dried animal meat in subsistence-hunting communities. Hygiene courses, meat inspection and better disease surveillance developed in partnership with those communities can help to both sustain food security and prevent spillover events.

On the wildlife side, long-term finance is needed for yearly and seasonal surveillance programmes. These schemes should collaborate with local communities using existing techniques that don’t rely on technologies such as cryogenics and so are easy to use in situ. Such activities could be embedded into the ongoing Arctic Council monitoring and assessment programmes on pollution, biodiversity and climate change, as laid out in the council’s ‘One Arctic, One Health’ project.

On the broader environmental front, efforts to reduce pollution, safeguard biodiversity and reduce greenhouse-gas emissions through international agreements play their part. Efforts spearheaded by various Arctic Council working groups, and other initiatives such as the ongoing negotiations for a United Nations-backed treaty on plastic pollution, show how intergovernmental and interdisciplinary collaboration across public health, biodiversity conservation, pollution and food security can help with achieving sustainability.

To make a true difference, there is need for a broader Arctic monitoring and assessment plan, underpinned by treaty, that combines surveillance of pollution and of disease. This is currently difficult to achieve through the Arctic Council, given the absence of Russia and Russian data since the country’s invasion of Ukraine in 2022. A better opportunity to establish a holistic understanding and action plan might be afforded by the proposed pandemic-preparedness treaty, currently under negotiation at the World Health Organization. This could build on the efforts of almost 200 globally recognized One Health Networks, including those in the Arctic.

Action must be taken now. If it isn’t, it will become more difficult to mitigate wildlife interactions and diagnose, treat and isolate people with an infection — and the risk of a future pandemic with an Arctic ground zero will only increase.

Nature 633, 10 (2024)

doi: doi.org/10.1038/d41586-024-02830-7

[tarotfairy0919]

︵‿୨♱୧‿︵Suit of pentacles - 5 of pentacles

©tarotfairy0919 - all rights reserved. do not copy, translate, alter or repost my work.

Please REBLOG if you find this information useful! ༄˖°🪐.ೃ࿔*

💰5 of pentacles - Lord of Material Trouble

A difficult time ensues. Work is lost, money dries up, family & friends either turn their backs or cannot help. You are alone & you feel it – but this too shall pass

the discomfort of being in the wrong place

Season: Autumn

Timing: Winter. Snow

Element - earth

Astrological association - Mercury in Taurus

❁Upright meaning

financial loss - losing a job or a relationship

you find support from others in a similar position

fear of poverty and isolation

fear of losing the security of home

relationship - feelings of abandonment, insecurity, or a general lack of attention; things are at their worst and because of this there is hope that it will get better but in what way is up to you; focus on the more material aspects of your own life before you seek out a commitment with others

health - failing health problems that are not responding to treatment as expected; all you can to improve health and follow doctor’s orders precisely

work - failure regarding finance may be causing a great deal of stress, anxiety, and worry

❁Reversed meaning

paying off debt

taking risks

calculating moves

manipulation

honest approach

keeping secrets

bravery, courage

examine your values

you may suffer due to a partner’s selfish behaviour

this person doesn’t want to give to you emotionally

being ill-treated by an ex-partner

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • · • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • · • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • · • —– ٠ ✤ ٠

[princessfanonanona]

hey you posted that the ny times article was twisting what biden was saying, can you show where you got your sources for his quote of 'not many trans minors get surgery'? Just wanna form my own opinions and whatnot

Hi! Thank you for asking, and I'm happy to clarify!

Considering the fact that the Biden administration and Biden himself has made many statements regarding his support for the lgbtq and Trans Youth, I found the article questionable to begin with.

Also:

They're pushing to remove age limits for surgery. If you look at the article I posted in my reblog, it shows a cut of a statement that seems to have either an error for a typo (shouldn't vs should) or is pulled from a larger statement regarding something specific.

His entire deal is wanting to support the individuals and leave their decisions up to themselves, their families, and their doctors.

“As President Biden has repeatedly said, ‘It’s wrong that extreme officials are pushing hateful bills targeting transgender children, terrifying families, and criminalizing doctors. These are our kids. These are our neighbors. It’s cruel and it’s callous,’” the spokesperson said.

From this article

They even pushed the issue to the Supreme Court in support of gender affirming care. And the court is currently taking up the question of if bans on gender affirming care is unconstitutional.

Source: here and here

Like if you even spend 5 minutes just scrolling his platform, you can see that he really does in fact care about the kids and our nations youth.

Now regarding the statement of "not many trans youth receive surgery" is quoting from the following study:

AAP (American Academy Pediatrics)

Which specifically states that surgery for youth isn't all that common right now, but if it is a thing then it's probably top surgery. Bottom surgery is exceptionally rare to occur in youth.

The White House cited the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) in its opposition to gender-affirming surgery for trans youth. The AAP, which endorses providing trans youth with gender-affirming care and opposes laws banning such care, has stated that gender-affirming surgeries are typically given to adults, which the White House echoed.

Again from the first 19thnews article.

The message that seems to be misconstrued is that transgender surgeries are more common in adults instead of how it was perceived as "transgender surgeries should only be for adults." Which could be due to a very large number of circumstances. (Finances, lack of familial support, complications due to other medical issues, personal choice, bad doctors, etc etc etc)

I hope this clarifies the NYTimes post and that it helped you in your further research. 💜 Thank you again for your ask and I wish you a lovely evening/day/morning wherever you are.

[apricotbuncakes]

Happy pride month!! 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈

This pride month, I kindly request that you help me (a disabled queer trans guy) get closer to my goal of $6,000 for top surgery. (Yes it has decreased from 10,000 to 6,000. More Info under the cut). Currently the GoFundMe has raised $340/$6,000 of what I need. While I am saving my own money and pouring whatever I can spare into my savings, there's no way I can reasonably save enough on my own to reach my goal of getting top surgery before the end of next year.

If you can, even just a few dollars is extremely helpful, and you can donate here: https://gofund.me/60a8148b

Some more nuanced information is below the cut.

My insurance (my state's Medicaid) is required to offer gender affirming surgery and cannot discriminate against myself or anyone else for being trans. Unfortunately the system in which it takes to get approved for coverage is extremely difficult. I wouldn't be able to even qualify until after my birthday next year (you have to be 21 to qualify). And the other steps can be just as tiresome. There's a lot that goes into it, and it's a lot that would be unreasonable for me to get done even if I started now. Not to mention the fact that after reaching out to several doctors in network, only one responded to me (and my phone call with him was anything but kind).

Out of pocket with a plastic surgeon is my best bet, and the safer one too. Currently the ONLY thing preventing me from getting top surgery is my finances, hence the GoFundMe. I found and consulted with a surgeon in my area who is willing to perform the surgery, and a therapist willing to provide a letter stating that basically I'm of sound mind and body to be making this decision.

Truthfully I've needed top surgery since I was 14. Even if I wasn't trans, my breasts cause me significant physical difficulties including mobility and breathing (which, when paired with a physical disability that causes chronic pain makes everything incredibly hard). The dysphoria is a complete other story. I've been binding since 14 too, and considering I'm 20 now, is a pretty long time. Binding for so many years has it's own consequences, especially when you are someone of my size. Needless to say, this is not only medically necessary from a gender affirmation standpoint, but also a quality of life one. It is absolutely a need.

It's also necessary because of my mental health. I made a post a short while ago that admitted to me being... not the best mentally. It wasn't a break down of sorts, but it was an honest reaction to my situation that I needed to get out of my system. The biggest contribution to this not-quite-breakdown is the fact that I can't afford top surgery. That's a hard concept for some people to grasp, that lack of access to this surgery could make me incredibly depressed. So many people still see it as elective or cosmetic. It's a hard feeling to explain, but it is the truth. It's not meant to be a guilt trip or to make you feel pity. It's my reality, and frankly the reality of many other trans people in similar situations.

The estimated cost for the surgery and all its required components is $10,000 (of which my joyfriend has so graciously offered to cover $4,000 of that). That leaves me with needing to cover 6,000 on my own*.

Being physically disabled makes working long hours hard. I get wiped out after a few hours at my normal job, and my summer job at a camp this year is sure to leave me with more exhaustion than normal as my days are significantly longer. (It's sad to say but I am working here mainly for the money, and the super awesome and supportive community I've found is a really awesome bonus. While I anticipate getting more saving money because of the pay increase at this summer position, it's not going to be enough to cover top surgery by itself, and come the end of this position and summer, I'll be back at my original place of work with only a one dollar increase in promotion pay. ($12/hr). I'll likely be making even less money than I normally do because I'm starting school again.

I'm just now realizing how busy my life is going to be after typing all this out...

There are some questions I've had people ask me, but most of them have been answered in other posts of mine that are pretty easy to search up on your own through my blog. That said, if you have any questions about anything regarding this, please ask through the ask box or DM me. I don't mind answering good faith questions, and will happily repeat myself to make it easier for info to find.

*With the help of the GoFundMe.

[insertpoetryhere]

Dadbastian Week: Setting Sun

"Poetry you're a week late" I know, I had midterms this week and i was cooked alive. But I'm better now and I have this thing to make up for the fact that I skipped an entire day. My official (a week overdue) sendoff to Dadbastain Week 2023!

A huge thank you to @dadbastianweek2023 for organizing such a cool event and for all the participants who might be some of the most talented creators I've ever seen! Also thank you to everyone who helped my indecisive ass pick a name for the dog.

My Baby, My Baby

Escape had been impossible. 

Sebastian did not often make a habit of avoiding his young master, but he had to do what had to be done to maintain some semblance of peace. Then again, one of his (former) favorite things had always been his stubborn determination.

And all it took was cornering him in the foyer and ordering him to sit down to render him completely helpless. Now it was just him, Ciel, and the 14 page hand-written essay entitled “why we should get a dog”.

The essay was, as the title implied, an itemized list of every reason he could think for why the manor needed a dog.

Number one: A dog would offer an added layer of protection.

Number four: Dogs were very good for hunting.

Number fifteen: Ciel could not leave his dirty dishes in his study anymore since chocolate would make the dog sick.

Number twenty-eight: A dog would gladly eat anything that fell on the floor.

Number fifty-one: Ciel would allegedly never ever ever ask Sebastian for his assistance on a major purchase ever again.

Sebastian had scoffed at that one, realizing how serious Ciel must be to acknowledge his own lack of control over his pocket money so openly. Usually Sebastian’s status as the keeper of Ciel’s check book was something that the two of them did not discuss. After all, his young master was not a fan of acknowledging his own age and there was a little bit more dignity in pretending that Sebastian was put in charge of the Phantomhive finances by choice.

Regardless of pride, Ciel was still a child. And as a child, he needed Sebastian to sign off any and all money.

“It’s not that I don’t appreciate your… dedication.” Sebastian had to cut Ciel off once they reached the part that the young earl had written entirely in broken German as a way to prove that his dedication to his studies would remain unchanged. “But could you not just order me to sign off on this?”

The idea of having a dog in the house made him want to gag, but Ciel’s German was simply where he had to draw the line. 

Ciel looked up from his paper, eyeing Sebastian as if he had said something unequivocally stupid. “Of course not, you would just buy the dog and then get rid of it immediately afterwards. Or you would make sure the dog is of poor health so that it wouldn’t last long anyways.” His gaze was steely and serious, a stark juxtaposition to the very childish conversation at hand. “I need you completely and fully on board.”

Sebastian sighed, cursing his consistency and communication skills for making his movements so predictable. “Then may we continue this discussion as I do the housework? I fear I can’t stay seated through- how many more are there?”

“Ninety-four.” Ciel didn’t even look back down at his paper. Which was somewhat terrifying.

“... Walk and talk.” He stood up from the chair(he did not understand why humans felt the need to sit for so long).

Ciel perked up (“Like a dog” is how Sebastian’s brain finished that sentence, which made him frown) and followed behind him as he carried on with his day.

Number sixty-six: Ciel would never complain again.

Laughable.

Number seventy-five: Ciel would never bother Sebastian again.

Again, hilarious.

Number eighty-three: A portion written and performed entirely in broken latin to further show his commitment, which was somehow worse than the German portion had been.

That one was… long.

Number ninety: Please.

Ok, now this was getting to Sebastian. 

Number ninety-

“Okay, stop!” Sebastian couldn’t take it. He couldn’t handle the… pleading and the voice and the any of it. Especially not now as he juggled pots and pans in the kitchen, trying to make sense of the mess Mey Rin had left behind in the wake of “preparing lunch” while Ciel ate said lunch in the kitchen with him, speaking even louder so that he might be heard over the sound of metal clinking together.

Ciel looked up, hopeful. As if he had been planning to induce a headache the entire time. “So you are in agreement?”

Sebastian bit his lip. This was psychological warfare and he was losing, goddamnit. His eyes settled on the box of eggs, still left out on the counter despite the fact that lunch had not needed eggs for its preparation at all. He smiled coyly before picking one up and handing it to the young master.

Ciel took it, confused. “What’s this for?”

“That,” Sebastian said pointedly. “Is to show me you understand the responsibility of looking after something too stupid to look after itself.”

It was meant to be a jab at him, but Ciel didn’t react. Instead, he held the egg gentler, staring at it as if it was made of gold. “How long do I have?”

“Until sundown.” Sebastian turned his attention back to the chores, relishing in how much quieter the kitchen had gotten.

“And if I give this egg back to you unharmed, you will approve the purchase of a dog without complaint?” He raised an eyebrow, like he was trying to unpack the ways in which this could blow up in his face.

“Mhm.” Sebastian was only half listening as he put the rest of the eggs away and began scrubbing the dishes.

Ciel stared at the egg suspiciously now. “And this isn’t a trick? I have your word that you-”

“Would you like me to change my mind?” Sebastian interrupted, the seriousness in his voice enough to make the boy shake his head and run off to provide a life for his practice pet. Sebastian sighed, eyeing a clock on the wall. He had bought himself at least six hours, plenty of time for Ciel to either break the egg or lose interest in the activity entirely.

While the idea of either cleaning the remnants of a broken egg or tracking down a rotten one weeks later did not appeal to him in the slightest, anything was better than having to deal with a dog.

In short, he had won.

---

He had expected Ciel to get bored after an hour or so. Either that or break the egg and give up on the whole ordeal. So naturally when the bell in the basement tripped, alerting Sebastian that he was needed in the study, he had thought peace was on the horizon.

What he did not expect was to see the young master seated at his desk, the egg sitting on a plush velveteen pillow. 

The egg had its own space on the desk, not too close to the edge and not too far from Ciel in case of an emergency. Ciel himself stared Sebastian down, his list of what appeared to be dog names completely abandoned the moment the door opened.

“Do you need something, my lord?” Sebastian asked after an abnormally long bout of silence.

“No.” He said shortly, still staring at Sebastian intently.

The demon blinked. “... You rang?”

“I did not ring.” Ciel said, still staring. “You must be hearing things.”

“... I see.” Sebastian wondered if behavior like this would warrant regular appointments with a shrink. His boy was staring at him and had an egg on a pillow. Even he found this disturbing and pondered on exactly what kind of monster he had created.

Ciel cleared his throat as the silence persisted. “The egg is well.”

Sebastian’s eyes narrowed as he understood what this was; An official declaration of war. “I see that.”

Ciel continued to stare. “It has a pillow.”

“I am aware.” Sebastian’s cold glare turned to the egg as he pondered ways to turn the tides in his favor. Clearly he had underestimated Ciel’s resolve. Maybe during tea, he could-

“I order you not to touch the egg in any capacity.” He had to be able to read minds. He had to somehow be in Sebastian’s head.

That little bastard.

Sebastian pursed his lips together in a tight, displeased line. “As you wish, my lord.”

Ciel nodded, his gaze a perfect mirror image of the cruel glare Sebastian had become so well known for. “You are dismissed.”

---

It had been Sebastian’s idea for Bard to offer to take Ciel hunting. Partially incentivized by an advance on the cook’s Christmas bonus.

“I’ll take ’im out without the bribe,” Bard laughed, a cigarette tucked between his teeth. “Jus’ not sure why you don’t want to come along.”

Because that was part of the appeal. A hunting trip with Bard (the significantly more fun chaperone) where Ciel was allowed to use the good guns that they kept in the cellar (which he was normally not allowed access to). A level of reckless, irresponsible fun that no teenage boy could refuse.

Evident by the way that he nearly jumped out of his seat, banding his knee against his desk (it did not knock the egg from its perch, sadly) before regaining his composure.

“I suppose, if it will pass the time.” He said passively, trying to rub his injured knee without anyone noticing.

It wasn’t until he looked back down at his desk that the boy seemed to realize why the offer had been made in the first place; The egg could not be left unattended.

He looked up at Sebastian in malice, who only smiled sweetly back. His master was not stupid. Surely he would see this hunting trip as a once in a lifetime offer and wisely abandon this silly egg game for more entertaining pursuits. Triumph at last.

All three men in the room stood in a triangle, each staring at the egg as it sat innocently on its pillow; Ciel in contemplation, Sebastian in cruel victory, and Bard in… confusion. Which made sense, seeing as no one had let him in on the egg deal.

A light bulb may as well have popped up above Ciel’s head as he grabbed the egg off of its pillow. “I shall return shortly.”

The boy bolted out of the room, leaving Sebastian standing there with a displeased glare.

“... Was that an egg?” Bard asked, but received no response from Sebastian as the demon butler glared at the door, waiting for his master’s return. “Why does he have an egg?”

Ciel returned only a few minutes later, a small bag used for carrying dice tied onto one of his belt loops with a secureness that only could have been achieved by Finny. So the boys were in cahoots… lovely.

“Ready when you are.” He announced with a triumphant grin.

Sebastian grumbled. Foiled once more.

---

“Dogs cannot sit at the table` At this point in the day, Sebastian was getting petty. But the hunting trip had not even broken the damned thing, and the only other option he could think of was having Mey Rin shoot the god forsaken thing off of its pillow (something she was disturbingly excited to try). So yes, he was taking some of those frustrations out on Ciel and the egg.

Ciel looked up from his dinner, which he had not yet gotten the chance to take a bite out of. “That wasn’t part of the deal!” He argued.

Sebastian shrugged. “It would prove your dedication.”

He was either going to put the egg on the ground and accidentally step on it, forget it, or finally give up. He had to. Sebastian had no other ideas for how to get rid of this thing (unless he took Mey Rin up on her offer, that is). His migraine worsened as he imagined the sound of barking joining in with the other annoyances of his day to day life.

He needed Ciel to either fuck up or give up.

Ciel glared, taking the egg (still on that stupid pillow) in his hand. Sebastian swore he heard angels singing as Ciel did so, assuming that his plan had worked. But then Ciel picked up his plate as well, and Sebastian watched in annoyance as he took both items over to the wall and sat down.

His stubbornness knew no bounds.

“I will not fetch anything from the table for you if you are going to behave this way.” Sebastian said, standing firmly by the table as Ciel settled himself comfortably on the floor.

Ciel placed the egg on the ground and his plate in his lap, taking a bite. “I don’t require anything anyways.”

Sebastian eyed the full glass of water still sitting on the table. “Hm.”

Ciel took a big, defiant bite of gravy-less chicken.

---

It was official.

This had possibly been the biggest mistake of his career.

The sun had just dipped down the horizon when he heard the distinct sounds of footsteps running down the stairs. Fitting for Ciel to catch him in the kitchen once again, like the boy was returning to the scene of the crime where he had brutally murdered Sebastian’s pride only hours before.

And in he came, like a bat out of hell, holding his intact egg up in triumph. He had won the war.

His face was bright as the sun, something that Sebastian found no pleasure in as he grappled with his fate.

“... I feel that this test needs another day.” He tried in vain.

Ciel shook his head. “You gave your word. No going back now.”

Sebastian groaned, hiding his face behind his hand as he sunk down into one of the kitchen chairs. He sighed, gesturing across the little table to the chair right across from him. He listened as Ciel shuffled over, taking a seat and setting the egg down on the table with a soft plunk. The kitchen table of negotiation.

“... I have conditions.” Sebastian said plainly, taking his face out of hiding now that he was sure he didn’t look on the verge of tears. 

Ciel nodded eagerly and receptively, a much more enthusiastic audience than he usually is. 

“The dog will not share the same name as me.” He said sternly, despite it being a ridiculous request.

“The name is already picked out, so there will be no trouble there.” Ciel said, leaning forward excitedly.

Sebastian sighed, still in disbelief that he was agreeing to this at all. “You said you wanted a hunting dog, so you will get a hunting dog. We will go to a proper breeder and collect one that is already housebroken. No puppies, am I understood?”

Ciel did not look disappointed in the slightest. He nodded just as eagerly as before. “Anything else?”

God this receptiveness was disturbing.

“It will not go on any furniture that you would accept guests.” Sebastian said sternly. “I will not have people leaving the manor covered in dog hair.”

“Understood.” Ciel agreed, watching him intently. Sebastian narrowed his eyes, trying to figure out what else Ciel wanted.

“... Those are my only demands.”

But he still stared at him, almost like he was losing confidence. It took Sebastian a while to realize that he was waiting for the explicit confirmation, something to set this plan in stone. He sighed. “We will leave in the morning.”

That smile was back, just as bright as the sun.

---

They left first thing in the morning, with Ciel already up and laying out clothing on his own by the time Sebastian opened the door. So he was capable of such behavior. What a miracle.

Sebastian had taken some comfort when they arrived at the breeder’s, who trotted out his most well behaved dogs that he had deemed “fit for an earl” (Sebastian was happy to have an ally in this situation. God knows Bard hadn’t been any help).

But of course, the one that caught Ciel’s eye was a wild-tempered greyhound who nearly topped him over trying to lick his face.The boy had laughed, only half-way trying to push the dog off of him while the other scratched behind the beast’s ear encouragingly.

The breeder, who had initially apologized profusely for the dog’s behavior, laughed at the sight and said “I suppose the Earl is just a boy.”

A traitorous leech if Sebastian had ever met one-

So of course the wretched creature came home with them.

On top of being nearly uncontrollable, the cursed little thing was ugly as could be. Long in every sense of the word and fairly pathetic looking. The only silver lining that could be found in this was that the beast had the decency to ignore Sebastian entirely, lavishing all his ghastly affection on Ciel instead.

This affection did seem to delight Ciel though, who Sebastian had never seen smile as much as he did that day.

So maybe the dog wasn’t so bad.

“He cannot be on the bed!” Sebastian protested, attempting to wave the creature off of the comforter and pulling his hand away when the damned thing snapped its jaws at his sleeve as if Sebastian’s arm was the rope toy that Ciel had wasted his whole afternoon throwing across the garden.

Ciel’s head popped through the top of his nightdress and his attention went right back to the dog (as if it hadn’t been there all day). “I don’t take guests in my bedroom, so he can be on the bed.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes, watching in disgust as the thing dragged its ham bone from dinner on the bed right next to it. Ciel climbed in, petting the dog behind his left ear and delighting in the way it threw its head back affectionately, trying to reach the boy’s face in order to lick it. “Good boy, Detective!”

“Call him by his proper name,” Sebastian scolded, lifting the boy up by the armpits and tossing him onto the sheets so he could pull the comforter up to his chin. The dog bounded up after him, letting out a bark that made Sebastian flinch back in disgust with his hands up. “He will never respond to it if you keep calling him ‘Detective’.”

The dog also didn’t deserve such a title. The lights were not all on upstairs.

“Alright then,” Ciel scratched the top of the damned creature’s head as he settled down on top of the comforter, as close to the boy as he could manage. “Good boy, Sherlock.”

Sherlock Holmes was the dog’s full, legal name. Which made Sebastian roll his eyes. “Don’t praise him for such behavior, he wished to take my hand as a souvenir.”

“He would never harm a fly,” Ciel cooed unbecomingly, snuggling closer to the animal. “Would you, boy?”

The dog groaned, both his and his little master’s energy seeming to have left their bodies like a lightning flash leaves a stormcloud. Sebastian moved about the room, picking up the clothing that had gotten scattered around the floor by Sherlock himself, who seemed to think everything but eating and sleeping was a game. In a sense, he supposed that meant he fit his master perfectly.

He could feel Ciel doze off, falling into a deep sleep at an alarming speed. His soft snores filled the room, making Sebastain smile fondly.

“You pulled the wool over my eyes once again, Young Lord.” He whispered, depositing the clothes into a small hamper for washing while the rest of the house slept. “Equal parts clever and cruel.”

Even he couldn’t shake the pride, watching the boy smile in his sleep after his victory. In a way, cruelty was their way of being kind. Not the excessive kind, but the kind that forced their days into a chess game of sorts. And when Ciel was able to pull the rug from underneath Sebastian, it made him feel… significant.

Which was a ridiculous thought to have. He was already plenty significant.

But seeing himself reflected back, growing sharper and harsher, and somehow better than him by the day… It was almost a purpose on its own.

That pride melted away to annoyance when the boy turned in his sleep, his eyepatch still on. Honestly, it was like Sebastian had to do everything.

He set the laundry down, walking over to the bed and reaching his hand towards Ciel’s sleeping form.

That was when a set of sharp teeth snapped down on his hand, forcing him to jump back. He propped his hand away, blood undoubtedly dripping onto the carpet as Sherlock let go of him with a vicious snarl. Sebastian immediately removed his glove, attempting to use it to reduce the mess as he swore under his breath.

He looked back up at the dog, who stood over his boy protectively as he growled lowly at Sebastian. His teeth were bared, still showing evidence of the attack he had given as a warning. 

Sebastian went to scold the damned beast when his eyes fell on the contract seal, painted red and exposed now that the glove was removed. It made his voice drop into his stomach with a heavy kind of thud. He supposed in a way, he had been very wrong  about Sherlock. He was just smart enough to protect his little master.

And he knew a threat when he saw one.

“Good boy, Detective.” Sebastian said sadly as the dog laid across Ciel’s torso, not once taking his eyes off of Sebastian. “Good boy.”

[vcmari]

How to stop being lazy & pathetic ( the wizard liz ) 😘

Realise that nobody cares if you’re lazy

Lazy people are forgotten and end up on the sidelines.

"Nobody cares about your victim mindset...life goes on."

People are busy with their own lives, so you have to do the same.

Privilege and Survival Mode

People in survival mode have no option to be lazy.

Immigrants fleeing war, those needing to survive, and those barely able to breathe have no option but to act.

Those claiming to be lazy are privileged.

Successful and beautiful people benefit from the halo effect.

Effort is required to maintain beauty and success.

Success and beauty often require hard work not visible to others.

Focus on Working on Your Life Force

Health and diet are crucial to maintaining life force.

Moving your body and nourishing it with the right foods is essential.

Relationships with others are important.

Connecting with friends and family is crucial when feeling lazy or down.

Focus on the relationship with yourself.

Treat yourself well, watch what you engage with, and connect with your own energy.

Create Routines

Humans need routines and structure.

Establishing morning and night routines, as well as weekly plans, is crucial.

Cleanliness is important.

A clean space is important for self-respect and productivity.

Motivation for Career in Social Media

"The only time I've ever been on social media was to make a career out of it."

"I wanted to help my mom pay her bills and help her with her finances."

"I'm not gonna let my family suffer. We deserve Financial Freedom."

Overcoming Demotivation

"Remind yourself why did I even start, why did I even want this goal."

"If you still want it, think about what story are you telling yourself."

Healing from Trauma

"I went to a therapist, did hypnotherapies, and went to two years of intensive therapy."

"Don't just go around and tell people because they lose respect for you."

"Don't allow yourself to be stuck in the past."

Progress and Happiness

"The only reason that people become happy is because they constantly progress."

"Learn a new skill, find a new hobby, or create a new project."

Managing Information Overload

"Too much information makes us lazy."

"Don't allow yourself to be consumed in other people's lives."

Embracing Vulnerability

"Courage is being vulnerable and putting yourself out there."

"Don't just react out of emotions, feelings are not always right.

Courage and Vulnerability

"Courage is being vulnerable, go out there, meet new people."

Avoiding experiences due to fear of vulnerability leads to a lack of fulfillment.

Being afraid of getting hurt or betrayed hinders personal growth.

Accepting Help

Learn to ask for and accept help from others.

Refusing help from others can lead to unnecessary struggles.

Accept help as a form of support, sometimes sent by a higher power.

Productivity Mindset

Define productivity on your own terms.

Personalize what productivity looks like for you.

Create a vision of productivity based on your own goals and desires.

Toxic Relationships

Evaluate if the people around you are draining your energy.

Toxic friends and family members can negatively influence you.

Distance yourself from those who bring out negative traits in you.

Controlling Emotions

Understand that no one can make you feel a certain way.

Change your perspective on situations and people.

Shift your mindset to control how you feel and react to different situations.

Change of Perspective

Change your perspective on challenging situations like a breakup.

View it as a learning experience and a natural part of life.

Embrace the lessons learned and move forward positively.

Focus on Abilities

Focus on what you can do, rather than what you can't.

Identify your strengths and passions.

Practice gratitude for your abilities and what makes you happy.