#FUCKIT 19

[lookninjas]

In FUCKIT #19, we explore what happens when the world doesn't end (and also we get wordy). Alexis Siemon contemplates the idea of permanence, Laura E. Price takes you on a wild adventure with the goddess of loopholes, David M. Briggs runs a few things by Frank O'Hara, and Karen Sorenson asks what you do when you don't die and it still isn't enough. It's only four pieces, but trust me: she thicc. (And good! You know these writers. You know they're good.)

[vanillayoteart]

Cryptid Behavior

Rain, [10/3/2024 9:16 PM] SO. I go to the store and its a real nice night out. The sun just set so its dusk. Stars are showing up, the horizon is getting darker. It's PEAK coyote time. When I get back I park and instead of going straight inside, I decide "fuckit" imma walk to the end of the road and just take in the sights from nature and this lil park here. It was... soul healing Rain, [10/3/2024 9:19 PM] I'm just standing in the gravel at the end of the road, before it dips down into the ravine and just like. yknow. lookin at stuff. (aka standing still) Rain, [10/3/2024 9:20 PM] and right as I'm about to turn away and go to my house a car is coming down the street. Its 8pm. I should've figured folks would be getting home from work soon enough. I hope they will turn down the other street but the headlights persist... kinda harshing the vibes imo Rain, [10/3/2024 9:23 PM] 'cept the headlights don't budge. I expect to hear the car turn or the lights to move away but they don't. Rain, [10/3/2024 9:26 PM] At this point it occurs to me that they want to park in the spots near me, and now see a figure in red and brown earth tones standing in the darkened brush with its back turned, silently staring out at nothing Rain, [10/3/2024 9:32 PM] I turn my head to nod in the direction of their parking spot and turn back. My hair was blocking my face but I'd like to think they saw me for a second.   because as soon as I did this they hurriedly turned to pull into the parking spot.  Rain, [10/3/2024 9:34 PM] and I didn't do it on purpose per se but as soon as their headlights were off of me I walked back up the road. I was on the other side of their vehicle before their headlights even went off. By the time I head their door open I was halfway back to my house. Rain, [10/3/2024 9:36 PM] So, had they parked their car, hopped out and looked for the mystery figure in the dark, they wouldn't have seen a thing.  I hope my neighbors spotted a fucking cryptid today

[epersonae]

the cooking project - microwave mug brownie

ok, it's the most least recipe (well, no: formulas for various instant pot foods are the most least of all my recipe cards), but today was kind of a challenging day if I'm being honest, in a challenging week, and I made this for myself as a little treat and thought, eh fuckit this counts too for this project.

I found this via a search online at some point I think in the winter of 2018-19, in a Sad Time, or possibly early 2019 after I moved into the Yellow House? Definitely a time when I lived alone and wasn't baking. I tried several "microwave mug" whatever recipes and this is the one I liked the best.

Recipe text, transcribed

Microwave Mug Brownie

3 tbsp flour 3 tbsp brown sugar 3 tbsp cocoa 3 tbsp oil 3 tbsp water pinch salt 1/2 tsp vanilla 2 tsp chocolate chips

60 seconds in microwave

In which I am a Very Precise Person

I love this because most of the measures are 3 tablespoons; I always put in a "scant tablespoon" of chocolate chips instead of the 2 teaspoons because then I can just reuse the tablespoon measure and it's not that much difference.

Everything goes in order so I don't have to clean the tablespoon measure except for the chocolate chips. Also, stir the dry ingredients before adding the wet ingredients, it mixes better that way.

It's kind of ugly and a little heavy but I like it

(yes, that is an MIT mug. 1000 years ago, which is to say probably in 1999 or 2000, I got sent to MA for a work training, some fundraising database that my employer at the time was switching to. got to do a tiny bit of sightseeing, ended up in the MIT gift shop, bought this (for my ex, ironically, but it ended up in my things), a magnet, and a t-shirt. it is the perfect size and shape for the microwave brownie. I did not go back to MA until 2019.)

[archiesfagfantasy]

might go to thursgays this week fuckit i can ball with the 19 year old bisexuals. im not so old i cant do that rightt?? a little grooving to the same 3 brittney songs they play every week ..? mkay?

[briefpiratebear]

THIS CHANNEL IS CALLED CATHOLIC GUILT

10:42 AM]Fuckit: I believe in both @Fuckit I believe in both [10:56 AM]wisserd: This to me is as if the world were to be coming crashing down in your lap and see light again so clearly with great Spinoza I expect it all to happen again and again something we have little to ni control over if we look at this hard enough there are ways to see god but no control over it well endless your some kind of vision seeing voodoo god like @Fuckit this guy can summon anything with those words lol knows all about it much respect tho I know how much it takes to write poetry let alone know what your actually talking about your good I love to write too much respect [11:07 AM]Fuckit: I disagree I commune with God because I access my unconscious and it gives my access to the realm of limitless possibility and intuition which is that creative spark within

1 @Fuckit I disagree I commune with God because I access my unconscious and it gives my access to the realm of limitless possibility and intuition which is that creative spark within [11:13 AM]wisserd: yes bro yes but in that realm you are free by the grace of god that u cant see but u can though spinozas [11:14 AM]wisserd: free meaning just spiritual in the sense u were talking [11:16 AM]Fuckit: I still see through the lens of the Bible but I embodied my forgiveness and try not to harm people so live without much worry and strive to be a better person everyday @Fuckit I still see through the lens of the Bible but I embodied my forgiveness and try not to harm people so live without much worry and strive to be a better person everyday [11:18 AM]wisserd: that is what i do. the bible is just a story a good one a known one atleast all about good man @wisserd that is what i do. the bible is just a story a good one a known one atleast all about good man [11:19 AM]Fuckit: We differ in that belief but that's ok @Fuckit We differ in that belief but that's ok [11:20 AM]wisserd: a true story [11:22 AM]Fuckit: Yes a very confusing accumulate of knowledge a library @Fuckit Yes a very confusing accumulate of knowledge a library [11:27 AM]wisserd: yes indeed it is umm something you could only ever know so well i mean if that is what you want for yourself iv spent years in aa in bible study preaching the word of love you never fully understand it as much as you understand yourself that is knowledge introspection and all we really have all i have had for a very long time well ever since the accident and i woke up from a booze comma i new something it was hard work haahha @wisserd yes indeed it is umm something you could only ever know so well i mean if that is what you want for yourself iv spent years in aa in bible study preaching the word of love you never fully understand it as much as you understand yourself that is knowledge introspection and all we really have all i have had for a very long time well ever since the accident and i woke up from a booze comma i new something it was hard work haahha [11:30 AM]Fuckit: Oh I know what you mean I used to be on fentanyl the lower you fall the more strength it takes to rise back up and then you can climb to greater highs

1 @Fuckit Oh I know what you mean I used to be on fentanyl the lower you fall the more strength it takes to rise back up and then you can climb to greater highs [11:35 AM]wisserd: absolutely courage something i know little about… joking i dont pride myself to be anyways i just am courage is something i tread very lightly on its not something i think should be over used but used in the right way at the right time never toi early never to late just on time that was courage [11:55 AM]Fuckit: I flex my courage muscles everyday I wanna make something of myself so this is Sparta [1:00 PM]wisserd: i lost 120k cash because of my bitch ass imagine for a second having that money im self made yet not made lol but i got close [1:11 PM]wisserd: got the dog very long car ride id imagine ya got it [1:30 PM]wisserd: its all fucked

just a preacher and his dog

[candiid-caniine]

edging log fuckit

10 - i forgot how loud this vibe is n the neighbors on other half off the duplex can definitly hear it but idc

11 - ogmfng i wanna cum so badly. but ik im not allowwd puppies dont cum but i want to so bad, clearly i havent edged enough I'm thinking to much still

12 - puppy parts arnt for cumming,, they're for serving n torturing. puppies dont cum i know better than that I'm sorry for wanting it it just aches so bad

13 - please I'm so closeee pleaseplsweplease fuck nonono puppies dont cum. puppies dont deserve to cum i wanna be a good puppy t just hurtss to be so close to the edge

14 - even on the lowest setting m so sensitive i can't think I'm so needy

15 - i don't deserve to cum. why would something as pathetic as me ever be allowed to, I'm most useful whn I'm desperate n stupid and I'll do anything justt to please

16 - why would I ever wnat to cum i should jus be grateful i get to touch my puppy parts at all i should be grateful i even get to be this close to the edge n I'm so fkn close I'm so achy i deserve this

17 - my clit is throbby n all puffed up fuck it's so needy it feels so good. this is how I belong this is what I'm made for,, my clit doesn't deserve relief it deserves to be tortured

18 - I'm a good puppy but my clit is bad. it wants to cum n makes me think i deservee thing that arnet for me. it deserves to be punished n never given release, it deservss to throb n ache n be ignored

19 - i love bein achy i love bein dumb i love bein useful,, this is my purpose

20 - i edgefd my brain away i can't think of anyhring but my clit its all i can focus on right now it's aching so badd 💕💕💕💕

21 - fffuck this one hurttt I'm too close I'm so close thank you I deserve this,, i love bein an edged out slut n getting to fulfil my purpise 💕💕💕💕

22 - i want my denial to be worse 💕 i wanna not know if I'll ever cum again,, i wanna be kept on the edge for hours at a time n made fun of for beingg a pathetic lilttle mess

23 - mmmghfhh i can barely touch my clit for ten seconds without getting to close to the edge,, i want this to be the rest of my day i wanna be achy and stupid and begging and brainless plsplsplspls

24 - need to keep goingg need to make myself dumber for daddy need to suffer need more edging

25 - cann barely type my fingers are shak ing m so close so needy fuck

26 - toy died right as i hit the edgeee fuck

I'm gonna put a clothespin on my clit n wait for it to charge back up so i can get dumber 💕💕💕

i am finally off no touch. which means I'm gonna spend today edging myself stupid.

anything i reblog on my alt, assume i edged/am edging to it 💕 my fingers are gonna be permanently on my clit today for undeterminable amounts of time. I'm fucking rabid rn and so so needy i can't even think I'm just gonna edge for the first time in a week n I'm so excited

[thehomeofalostchild]

I have the best friends and partner and I’m so happy with where I’ve gotten myself in terms of attachment style and emotional well-being

[lanturnowl]

More inktober! first time using some new brushes and wow...they went everywhere haha

[biological-catastrophe]

FUCKIT I had time so I answered all of them.

Below the cut!

1. Shin, ez

2. AGHHHHH This is hard but I’ll have to pick Hinako. But. The only reason is I think she had so much potential, I feel like she should have had more.

3. ANZU!!! I love it. I love it so much

4. Tbh it’ll have to be the high five with Shin hhhhhh I’m not biased or anything

5. Kanna. At first, I thought she was too gullible and annoying. I don’t remember when it happened but sometime near the beginning of chapter 2 ny opinion started to change

6. Probably Shin? I honestly have no idea. And I’m assuming it’s like who’s been voted the most but idk-

7. Ggghsjkdjdj I’m sorry Miley you have to go- I love her but nndjdjdjhh

8. Shin (sadly…)

9. I feel weird saying this but. Ranmaru and Sara, but because of how it changes depending on the route. But besides that, probably Keiji and Gin- father and son.

10. Hole Dwelling by KIKOU probably. I saw a really cool edit and now I kinda associate that song with the game-

11. Probably Shin or Sara. My friend is a Sara kin so any time I message him I think of Sara dbdjjsjdb

12. Joe. No I won’t explain

13. Honestly, probably Alice- it’s hard to describe

14. Uh I don’t know really-

15. Besides the translation stuff between Keiji and Sara that makes it seem romantic, I’d probably have to say the whole laptop thing with Nao and Sou and the evil Mishima AI. I don’t know why I’m just not a fan. It feels out of place but maybe I just need to replay the game-

17. I think I have an average chance? I know I have good survival instincts, I know I could survive but. Do I want to? Would I be willing to put my life above others?

18. I have a feeling I’d get the sage-

19. Joe being Miley and Mr Policeman’s son!!!!

20. I probably wouldn’t tbh. I do NOT like taking risks, I hate risks. But if I DID, it would be for my friends safety and prosperity.

21. Hide and Seek and Charge Card are my favorite. Obviously memory dance is the worst but not unbearable (I love cheating) and arm wrestling.

22. Reko/Shin

23. Fuckin barely-

24. I’m sorry I’m too lazy to look but I think the one where Shin struggles to be any sort of physically active is funny

25. KAI’S AAAAAAAA (I haven’t played the new ones-)

26. Tbh I’m really excited for Shin’s and Keiji’s. And I wanna see their events with each other and Sara bc they are some of the more. Logical thinkers? I wanna know what’s going on up there

27. Kanna’s!!!!!!!! And Ranmaru’s

28. It really depends. If I made at least 1 friend, hell no. So like the first main game I might be able to do it because I wouldn’t be close. But if I even make one friend I know I’m dead. My life is not very valuable to me tbh-

29. Midori and Ranger are tied tbh

30. I am dreading it. Because the chances they will get out and the remaining survivors live is. Next to none. I sm going to be HURT when the next person dies, though for some reason I have a feeling it will be Gin. But maybe that’s because I’m more logic…

For some reason I can't reblog so. take some screenshots-

from @/thehadesincident

[churchyardgrim]

DO PRIMES FOR SILAS PLS PLS PLS

POE WHAT MAKES U THINK I KNOW WHAT A PRIME NUMBER IS grumble grumble making me google shit

2. What’s their date of birth? Do they follow the stereotypes of their zodiac?

uhhhhh fuckit, Silas is a leo/scorpio cusp. don't ask me how that works. it just does.

although i wouldn't put it past my DM to have their own zodiac for the homebrew world he's native to hghdhf

3. What type of drunk are they?

the kind that makes u think "oh, god, i thought he was gay before". he's a hazard. he's a danger to himself and others. he's already taking his clothes off.

5. What’s their favourite food?

probably something slow-roasted and honey-glazed, with little flakes of gold leaf sprinkled on top. the ponce.

7. Do they have any living relatives? If they do, which one do they like the least and why?

the Edelhart family has three remaining siblings in Silas' generation; two brothers and a sister. their father passed some years back, probably from unnatural causes, and Silas' sister whose name i don't remember has taken over as head of the family.

there's also this weird feral child running around their home town of Misthaven, and anyone with eyes can see the resemblance between one red tiefling with hooves and antlers and another... but then again, normal people always say all tieflings look the same, and the Edelharts staunchly deny any knowledge of the menace known as the Magpie Lockrot, so who's to say.

11. Describe them in 5 words.

wretched flamboyant mad scientist bitch

13. How would they react to suddenly being hugged?

"ach get off, how dare you touch me"

17. On average, how much sleep do they get at a time?

picture like two weeks of catnaps and 3-6 hour nights, followed by a crash of college-student proportions wherein he's conked the fuck out for 18 hours straight

19. Does your character collect anything?

besides phone numbers and bits of dead gods? necromantic knowledge i guess hghdf

23. Does your character snore?

absolutely not how dare you make such accusations

[lookninjas]

Cough or no cough, I've got a little business to take care of, and it is this:

FUCKIT crew -- we're coming up on that time again. Submissions for the next one are due June 30th. As with the last one, I'm riding the struggle bus with my topics, so I literally just put this picture on the last page as inspo:

I don't know. I will say I have a lot of like grimoire-esque images to work with, like this:

Maybe we do something with that, I don't know. Maybe we don't. I might write about the song of the summer! More on the heart-eye skull theme than you'd think.

Anyway, if 19 days isn't enough, let me know.

And can we have a fucking praying circle for me to actually be making the next issue of FUCKIT in a real apartment instead of a bedroom at my mom's house? That would be fucking amazing.

Okay, I love you all. Sorry I'm struggling for good themes right now. Please submit things anyway. I'll try to get more stickers.

[aiden-png]

to celebrate the end of 2020, I’ve decided to share the highlights of the writing I did this year! I’m going to share a few of my favorite snippets from 2020, and I think this could be a fun tag meme to invite friends to join in on so they can appreciate their progress and hard work too! I couldn’t have written so much if it wasn’t for the great online community supporting me and all my wonderfully talented friends!!

I’m gonna tag @freshie-writes @silverdragon-imagines-blog @st0rmy-writes @fuckit-hero-of-trains @no-themes-just-memes @timeturner-jay and anyone else who wants to join in, feel free! you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, but you all wrote amazing things this year and I’m gonna appreciate you for them!!

snippets below the cut (please do this or make a new post if you wanna join, just so we don’t flood everyone’s dashboard lol!)

it’s difficult to count for certain, but across 7 google docs from April to December 2020, I wrote 324,782 words just of Legend of Zelda fanfic! it’s been a crazy fun year and I think my writing has improved a ton since I started writing fic again in April! thank you all for supporting me through the last 9 months!! <3

here’s a highlight of some of my favorite excerpts from fics I wrote this year! Smoke on the Wind and Dream With Me are two of my favorite pieces I wrote this year for angst, while Four Feet of Pure Flirtation and Lessons in Love are my favorites for crack/fluff :D the other snippets are featured bc I’m proud of how the fics turned out !

Dream With Me: June 28, 2020 Legend and Hyrule sat on the beach, a mere two feet separating them. It felt like much more. Farther than they’d ever been apart before. The other heroes stumbled onto the sand, frozen in shock as they took in the scene before them. Legend, knife drawn and hands shaking dangerously. Hyrule, knees buried in the sand and hands held over his chest, trying desperately not to reach out again. The sun was rising, pinks disappearing into vibrant gold and crushed purple and bright blue. As dawn broke, their vision wavered. Hyrule gasped, Legend blurring before him, the sand beneath him fading, the roar of the waves diminishing. Magic hour was ending. “This isn’t a dream,” Hyrule whispered, and Legend’s shoulders shook with silent sobs. “I’m real. I’m here. Legend, come with me.” Hyrule stretched out his arm, fingers splayed, eyes begging. Legend flinched back, dagger slipping from shaking fingers. He stared, disbelieving. Vertigo consumed Hyrule’s senses, his vision clouding with black dots. “Take my hand, Legend!” Hyrule cried, and Legend jumped. He sprung forward, hand grasping. Hyrule felt nothing as Legend’s hand passed through his. “Hyrule!” He blinked, and found himself in an unfamiliar field, reaching towards sunrise.

Smoke on the Wind: August 7, 2020 Wind hadn’t always had this ability, but before his second adventure, before the ghosts became tangible to his skin and visible to his eyes, he still had a sixth sense of sorts to rely on. Back then he’d called it instinct, but now he called it a curse. It never helped him do better on his adventure, never showed him the way, never allowed him to prevent someone’s demise--only forced him to bear witness to it in all its excruciatingly gory detail. Some spoke of death like a mercy, others like a boon. Wind knew death like an old friend and he despised it with all the rage contained in his tiny body. Some feared death, some prayed for its delay. Wind feared no man, god, or figment of imagination. There was no reason to fear something he couldn’t prevent, there was no reason to pray to something that would never hear or listen. Some ran from death, some hid. Wind stared death in the eye and spat in its face. He thrust a magical fucking sword through its head and banished it to a watery grave.

Four Feet of Pure Flirtation: June 26, 2020 Maybe he should have shared just a tad bit more with them, but that was a regret for future Four to deal with. And really, he hadn’t been expecting it himself, so they couldn’t exactly blame him when Dark Link materialized in their camp one morning and sent Four’s heart racing in an unfamiliar-familiar way. Four felt the heat crawl up his chest, felt his tongue loosen, felt his eyes trail over Dark’s lithe form just a bit too slow to be innocent. No one had told him Dark was attractive. Although, Vio reminded him, we are the only ones attracted to villains. We are most decidedly not! Four shot back. The denial was empty. They most decidedly were.

Hero Through the Ages: June 19, 2020 Wild sighed, chin resting on his knees. He glanced over at Sky, feeling anxiety buzz within him as a question pushed at the back of his mind. “Hey, Sky… does the sword still recognize me?” Sky froze at the unexpected question, eyes searching Wild’s carefully schooled expression. Wild felt his anxiety rise but he held his ground as the older hero tentatively reached back and unsheathed the Master Sword. He closed his eyes for a moment, and Wild tried hard not to notice the new eyes on them as he waited for Sky’s response. He knew what the answer should be, but when the other slowly opened his eyes and held the sword out for Wild, it was still conflicting to feel the familiar weight of it in his hands. Not too heavy. Not burning. Perfectly at home, as if he’d just begun his adventure and still had many years left before the Calamity struck. Wild felt a pit in his stomach as he handed the sword back, Sky’s concerned gaze not helping. “How old were you when you pulled the sword?” Sky asked quietly, and Wild stared at his hands as they trembled slightly in his lap. “Too young.”

A Shower to Remember: July 4, 2020 Enter Twilight and Wild. TWILIGHT     I can see thee up th’re.     Come hither.     I simply wish to speak with thee.

Enter Legend to Shower Crashers. LEGEND     all’s well that ends well, I believe our plan hath been a success. cheers to thee all. FOUR     didst thou not see     Wild running     for his life not     a minute past? LEGEND     that is’t his problem, not mine.

Lessons in Love: July 9, 2020 The offer though, that’s what truly made Legend pause. Show you the ropes, he’d said. He should be insulted that Ravio thought he was that hopeless, but the man wasn’t wrong. Legend was absolutely, positively hopeless, evidenced by the situation he now found himself in. Should he say no and move on? Should he accept--and then what? Maybe he should laugh it off, say he was joking, or perhaps he should come clean now and tell Ravio how he felt? But he still didn’t know if Ravio felt the same, those dark eyes betraying nothing in the fading light of sunset. So, naturally, Legend continued to panic. “What do you mean by ‘show me the ropes’?” Legend asked, quick, defensive enough to pass as insulted. Ravio snorted, tasting the hot chocolate, and Legend’s eyes were drawn to his lips once more as if under a spell. “I mean no offense, Link,” Ravio laughed, seeming not to catch the blush on Legend’s face as Ravio used his name. “I just figured you might want some pointers. Flirting, hand holding, relationship advice, y’know? You don’t have to accept the offer by any means!” Flirting? Hand holding? Legend gulped. He was already an idiot. Maybe he could play dumb for a little while longer…

Scars: June 2, 2020 “I used to try and cover myself in public--I didn’t like the way people would whisper or stare when they saw. But eventually I came to accept the scars as part of me. I remembered how I got them, and I realized I wouldn’t be the person I am today without the journey that led to me getting these scars. And I like who I am…” Wild trailed off, sifting sand through his fingers as Warriors listened. “I’ve come to love my scars, because they hold such important memories for me. Even if some of the memories aren’t so great, I wouldn’t be who I am today without them, you know? And I wouldn’t trade that for anything.”

Beneath the Surface: July 13, 2020 For the first few months he had lied to himself, blaming the others or the weather or Shadow or Vaati or anything rather than admitting he had a problem. But Blue did, in fact, have a problem, and fighting and yelling it out wasn’t the healthiest solution. For the others it was easy. Green had Vio, for Wind could rarely move Earth, and Red got along with everyone he was so full of love to give. But Blue wasn’t good at teamwork, he wasn’t good at strategizing, and he wasn’t good at showing affection--he was good at being angry, and that was it. He was the protector, the toughest of them all in strength and will; but when you’re always protecting others, no one protects you. Not like Blue made it easy for the others to approach him, and he didn’t blame them for giving up. They were all struggling, they all had their own issues, and while Wind was a gentle breeze and Fire a warming comfort and Earth a steady rock--Water was impossible to hold down. He was forever changing, flowing, and while it meant that he could adapt well to new situations, it also meant that every time he felt close to getting a handle on his emotions they would slip from his grasp once more. His magic ebbed and swayed and his emotions followed their tide, not his, and so he pushed others away rather than admit he couldn’t handle himself. If protecting them meant distancing himself, then so be it.

The Point of No Return: June 19, 2020 He turned back to Four, brushing the back of his hand across his cheek. He’d wanted to share a meal with his partner. He’d wanted to see Four’s small smile--just for him--as he tried Hylian food for the first, second, hundredth time. Long ago, they’d promised to travel the world together. Four wanted to share everything with him; wanted to show him the forge, wanted him to meet his Grandfather, wanted to take him to see the Minish. After the adventure, Four had promised. He’d be free to go and do whatever he wanted, right by Four’s side. Well, he was at his side now. And this was not what they’d promised each other.

A Major Test of Strength: May 7, 2020 Even being worthy of the Triforce of Courage didn’t mean he was brave enough to act on, or even think, about how he felt about Sidon. He reasoned it was better not to say anything, especially now. He was going off to a battle he may not return from. Even if he burned to know if Sidon felt the same, it would be selfish to ask knowing he may be leaving for the last time. Link would rather go to the grave with his feelings then leave Sidon alone with them. At least if he died before confessing, Sidon would be able to move on, he hoped. Sidon was his best friend, and that was enough for now.

[bluu-ghost]

7, 15, 19!

7: when asked, are you embarrassed or enthusiastic to tell people that you write?

okay ngl I am kinda embarassed but that's cause I usually know the people asking are better writers than me who take it more seriously

15: why did you start writing?

fuckit! why not! I want read stories I have to make them myself and the only way to get decent at it is to try

19: when it comes to more complicated narratives, how do you keep track of outlines, characters, development, timeline, ect.?

I’m pretty bad at keeping this stuff compiled but the way it’s supposed to work is that in my folder for each longfic (/fic in the same ‘canon’ ig) I have a big ol’ spreadsheet for a timeline and more in depth character bios going over their bg and narrative for the story that I kinda treat as gospel

[something-tofightfor]

He’s Not Here - Part 20

Pairing: Billy Russo x Reader

Word Count: 6119

Rating: R. Language. Mentions of sex. 

Parts 1-19 + the interludes and NSFW alphabet can be found on my Masterlist (link in bio)

Summary: As Billy gets closer and closer to opening Anvil, things shift for the two of you. And then... 

Author’s Note: It’s been two months and I’m sorry, but I didn’t want to write this chapter. Thank you for being patient. Thank you for reading. I’m sorry. 

Tagging: If you want to be added or removed, let me know

General:

@the-blind-assassin-12​ @its-my-little-dumpster-fire​ @obscurilicious​ @sweetybuzz25​ @suchatinyinfinity​ @lexxierave​ @gollyderek​ @poindexted​ @ificouldhelpyouforget​ @elanor-of-imladris​ @thesandbeneathmytoes​ @luminex3​ @geeksareunique​ @weallhaveadestiny​ @mfackenthal​ @thesumofmychoices​ @yannii04​ @beautiful-thinking @drinix​  @blah-blah-fuckit-shit​  @dreams-with-thoughts​  @wangmangagavroche​ @traeumerinwitzhelden​ @agentlingerie​

Billy Russo:

@nananananananananananabatman​ @damalseer​ @benbarnestongue @chibiyanai​ @life-is-a-melody​ @songtoyou​ @thisisparadisemylove​ @littlemermaidprobz​

He’s Not Here ONLY:

@breanime​

Uncategorized: 

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You answered the phone without even looking at the screen, a smile on your face. “Hello?” 

“Hey.” The single word made you smile wider, your body immediately relaxing back into your office chair. “You almost done for the day?” You glanced around the office and then at your computer, mentally going through the list of tasks you’d assigned yourself. 

“I’ve probably got less than an hour’s worth of work left, why?” You heard him sniff and then sigh, but could tell that he wasn’t angry. 

“I’m gonna text you an address, alright? Go there after work.” You told him you would, brow furrowed. What is it? “Don’t look it up. Just come. Text me when you’re on your way an’ I’ll meet you outside.” You drummed your fingers on your desk, taking a deep breath. 

“Of course. But what -”

“No.” He laughed and you could picture the expression on his face, the corners of his eyes crinkled, teeth bright and white as he grinned. “You’ll see when you get here.” So he’s already there. “See you in an hour.” Before you could reply, Billy hung up, the line going dead next to your ear. Shaking your head, you set your phone down, returning to your computer and opening up an email. 

Billy had been home for just under a week, but after that first weekend, you’d seen him less than you would have liked, as the constant phone calls and meetings with Schoonover’s people had taken up a great deal of his time. “It’s just while we get started,” he’d said, arms wrapped around you after he’d climbed into bed well past midnight. “Paperwork and permits and inspections and all that bullshit, but…” Billy’s voice had cracked for a second before going steady again. “Gotta do it right, you know? The first time? Sooner we get all this straightened out, the sooner I can start hirin’ people and…” You knew he was right - knew he was just trying to make sure he did everything that he needed to before the company took off. Billy didn’t want to fail, and you understood that, even though you desperately wanted to make up for all of the missing months. 

So you’d dealt with him leaving early and coming home late, dealt with him scouting out locations and meeting with people far more competent than you for long hours to create business plans. You’d understood when he’d canceled on a night out with you to go over sample supply orders of equipment and necessary items for a training facility. All of these things - and more - that Billy had done in a short time meant that he was many steps closer to having his company, and though you knew that things wouldn’t slow down right away, you looked forward to the day when Frank came home to help him, because it meant that Billy would have a different, yet still just as experienced and capable set of eyes on the plans. Two and a half weeks. 

You and Billy had visited with Maria and the kids, meeting them for dinner at a restaurant only a few minutes from their house, and Billy had outlined his plans for Anvil to her, telling Maria that when Frank decided he was done, there was a place for him that would keep him safe and keep him close to home most of the time. She’d been open to that - thrilled, actually - and after the kids had hugged you and Uncle Billy goodbye tightly, Maria pulled Billy aside while you watched from a few feet away, pretending to check your phone. You’d seen the way Billy’s jaw clenched as he spoke to her, head shaking back and forth. You’d seen the tears in Maria’s eyes, watched as Billy reached for her hand, squeezing it as he hung his head. Before turning to meet the kids at the car, Maria’s free hand went up to Billy’s cheek and she rose onto her tiptoes, kissing the other cheek quickly, which had taken Billy by surprise. 

He’d explained to you on the ride home that she’d asked him about the last deployment, about Billy’s early discharge, about why Frank had stayed behind. “I donno what to tell her. It’s not my place to tell her Frankie’s not...we’re not… I can’t tell her what we did over there, just like I can’t tell you. She knows when I’m lyin’ though, and…” He’d said no more about it, and though you hadn’t spoken about the Castles in the two days since, you knew the conversation - and his status with Frank - were weighing heavily on his mind and likely taking some of the joy out of whatever progress was happening. 

But as your Uber dropped you off in front of a warehouse in Lower Manhattan, you felt your heartbeat race. There’s only one reason he’d be here. You turned the corner and headed down an alley between two short buildings, eyes sweeping the open space and saw Billy, phone out in one hand and the other stuffed into a pocket as he leaned against the bricks between a long row of latticed windows. Oh my God. “Billy?” You cleared your throat as you neared him, Billy’s dark eyes rising from the screen of his phone as he saw you, lips quirking up into a nervous smile. “I’m here.” 

“I can see that.” Billy pushed off of the wall and toward you, and for the first time, you saw the small bag on the ground near his feet. “Took ya long enough.” He stopped in front of you, one hand coming up to rub nervously at the back of his head. “So.” Billy pressed his lips together and took a deep breath. “I…” He paused and you waited. “Fuck.” Billy laughed, looking over his shoulder and then reached for your hand, wrapping his fingers around yours. “C’mon.” You followed as he led you toward the bag - and toward a sliding door that you hadn’t seen before. “I want you to be the first person to see it. To see Anvil.” 

You couldn’t keep the grin off of your face as he bent down, picking up the bag without letting go of your hand and then reaching back to give it to you, the weight settling against your palm. What? “Billy is this…” He nodded as he pulled the door open, and within a few seconds, you were in a well-lit hallway, walking quickly past small rooms that you could see would make offices and a larger one that was marked ‘locker rooms’.  “When did you...?” You emerged into the large open area of the building, jaw dropping as you took in the high ceilings and large windows, the natural light shining in against the exposed brick. Billy didn’t drop your hand as you stopped in the center of the room, turning in a slow partial circle as you looked around, eyes growing wider by the moment. This is exactly what he wanted. 

“This’ll be the training room, we’ve got a bunch of equipment on order, and it’ll be here in a few days.” Billy cleared his throat. “We can use it for the basics, and there’s always open office buildings and shit to rent for tactical setups and…” He paused. “We’ll have to keep movin’ those areas around, keep our people on their toes, but this, right here, is it.” Billy pulled you toward a door that was set between more large windows, leading you down another hallway and toward a staircase that led upward. “These’ll be the main offices, where we’ll meet with the clients and the new recruits one on one.” You looked into each room - one on either side of the hallway and tightened your hold on Billy’s hand. “Needs a lotta work, but we’ve just got to get one done at  a time. Got some people comin’ in tomorrow to start remodeling.” 

You walked toward the stairs, Billy motioning for you to go ahead of him. “What’s upstairs, Billy?” But you already knew the answer, because it was the only thing you hadn’t yet seen - Billy’s office.  He led you through a maze of glass-walled offices, some of them with desks and chairs, others completely empty and then stopped in front of a large door at the intersection of two hallways. “Where are you taking me, Billy?” But he didn’t speak until you turned around to face him, and you saw that even though he looked anxious, there was still a smile on his face. 

“S’my office. You gotta go in first though, I -” And without waiting for him to finish, you turned away, pulling your hand from Billy’s larger one and put it on the doorknob, taking a deep breath. As the door creaked open, you stepped forward, taking three steps into the room before you paused, grip on the bag in your hand tightening. This is him. The room was large and airy, windows looking out on the city on one side and into the hallway on the other. You glanced up, biting down on your lower lip and took a step further into the room, nodding. 

“We’re going to remodel, put up some false walls, cover the -”

“No.” You turned quickly, shaking your head, and were shocked to see Billy holding his phone up, pointed at you. Why did he take a picture? “No, Billy, this is… perfect how it is.” You stepped over to the wall, running your fingers over the oxidized surface, footsteps echoing on the scarred wooden floor as you moved. “Why do anything to it? This is you, Billy, just…” You moved away from the wall and toward the other side of the room, where a desk and chair stood, the only two pieces of furniture in the room. “You’ve got a desk.” You reached the piece, your fingertips connecting with the smooth wooden surface before you turned to Billy again, one eyebrow raised. “The first thing you move in here is a desk, Russo?” 

“Yeah, I dragged it out of some dick’s empty office soon as I signed the paperwork earlier today.” Billy made his way toward you, tucking the phone back into his pocket. “Figured if I had a place to sit and make plans…” He shrugged. “Man’s gotta work.” You hopped up onto the desk, crossing your legs at the knee and set the bag down next to you, registering the dull thud as it made contact with the surface. “What do you think?” He was standing in front of you, lips pressed together and brow furrowed. “Of the whole place, not just…” He waved with one hand, gesturing toward the training portion of the building. “Do you think it will work? Do you like it?” You took a deep breath, answering without even thinking. 

“Billy, I think you could make this thing work with a facility the size of your apartment if you really wanted to.” The look of genuine relief on his face as he dropped his chin to his chest made you laugh, your hands going up to his face and forcing him to look back up at you. “I’ve been your biggest fan since the day -” He didn’t let you finish, leaning in to kiss you without giving you a chance to breathe. You tightened your hold on his face before sliding your hands to the back of his head and his neck, nails gliding through the hair there and then he stepped closer, large hands on your sides to hold you in place. Where does he think I’m going? He broke away first, leaving you to take big gulps of air, eyes focused on him. 

“Open that bag.” Billy cleared his throat and licked his lips, pointing. “Gotta be you.” You cocked your head to the side but did as he asked, unzipping the bag and dipping your hand in. Oh! Your fingers closed on the smooth surface and you knew what it was immediately, a laugh escaping your lips as you freed the glass from inside, holding it up. “You gave that to me when I thought… I’d never have this place or this company, or…” He sucked his lip between his teeth, pausing. “And I still don’t, but I have more than…” Billy was rarely at a loss for words, but you could feel the unease radiating from him, even as he stood in the office - his office - in the building that would soon be full of recruits and equipment. 

“Stop.” You straightened up, uncrossing your legs setting the glass down on his desk next to you before leaning forward. “You do. You have this place, and a plan, and … you’re going to be the CEO of a company, Billy. You did it.” You shrugged, one hand rising so that you could hook a finger into one of his belt loops. “You don’t have to leave again, Russo. This… your life is here now, here in New York.” With me. He stayed quiet, eyes wide and on yours for long moments. 

“I need you.” He shook his head. “More specifically, I need your company.” His jaw worked for a second. “I want to have some sort of event… End of May, maybe June? Introduce people to Anvil, show ‘em the facility, what we have to offer. That gives me two months to get everything in order, to get goin’.” Really? “Money’s not… there’s no budget, you tell me what it costs, and we’ll do it.” Billy laughed, rolling his eyes. “I can say that now, it’s crazy.” It doesn’t matter, I would have helped you anyway. You tugged on the loop again, shaking your head. 

“That’s fine, Billy. We can talk about it later. I’ll… I’d love to help you.” He let out a breath, ducking his head down to kiss you again, this time less thoroughly. “You really want to work with me, though?” He nodded and you used your other hand to pull him even closer, Billy’s hands settling back on your hips. “Alright.” You sighed, thinking. It’s all happening for him, and he still wants me here. “So, Billy…” You flexed your fingers, tongue poking out from between your lips. “There’s no one else here right now.” He shook his head, looking slightly confused. “And… this is a place that means something to you, right?” Billy nodded, head tilted to the side and a small smile on his lips. You removed your fingers from his belt loops, trailing them toward the zipper of his jeans and taking a deep breath. “Well, you told me once that you…” 

“Shut up.” He leaned down, mouth next to your ear and his hands sliding back, fingers curling around your body’s curves to lift you slightly off of the wooden surface. “You know you don’t haveta ask me twice to fuck you on my new desk.” 

---

A few days later, you sat at your desk, tapping your fingers on the surface. Come on, I’m going to be late. Your eyes scanned the small stack of printed pages and you sighed, gaze flicking to the clock and then back to the printer. Seriously? There’s not even color. The machine spit out the last page and you shoved yourself to your feet, grabbing for it and then quickly slipping it into the stack, tapping the pages on the desk once before sliding them into a folder. “Hey.” You spoke out loud, already grabbing your purse. “I’m headed to lunch with a client, I’ll be back around 1:30.” 

The open plan of your office meant that all of your coworkers heard you, each of them acknowledging your statement in turn as you headed out of the office and hailed a cab. You were meeting a client, yes, but the client was also Billy, which meant that there was no pressure for you to close a deal, since it had already been closed and you simply needed to get final signatures so that you could start actually planning Anvil’s grand opening party. You were meeting Billy at the pizza place you’d stopped the first night you met him, figuring that the warm weather was perfect for it. I haven’t seen him on a weekday in… You sighed as the buildings passed by, closing your eyes. Hell, I haven’t spent a full day with him in… 

Since Billy had leased the building that would house Anvil, he’d been busy. The long hours he’d spent researching facilities and having meetings with his investors had turned into even longer ones spent overseeing the remodel, working alongside a temporary crew to arrange furniture and rid the building of the things he didn’t need - and sitting down with a few military friends to create a plan of action for when they started recruiting. You knew that Billy had talked a great deal with Curtis about the right ways to train, but you didn’t know what they’d decided on. By the time Billy finally crawled into bed with you - either at his place or yours; he still found time to let you know where he’d be spending the night at each day - he was too tired to do more than mumble a few words before he fell asleep, his forehead pressed against your bare shoulder and one arm wound tightly around your waist. 

The mornings were a different story; Billy woke before you did, but didn’t let you sleep for too long, hands and lips roaming over your skin, words whispered into your ear and the feeling of his chest rising and falling never failed to get your attention, no matter how deeply you slept. You didn’t spend nights tangled with Billy in the sheets, instead the two of you greeted every morning together, wrapped in each other’s arms, and you were finding more and more reasons to enjoy the early sunlight as the days passed. It won’t be like this forever. You repeated those words to yourself each day as a reminder that once he got through the beginning stages of opening the facility, things would again shift, and Billy wouldn’t be in a state of constant motion - instead, he would be focused on training and finding work for his staff. 

The car dropped you off and as you climbed out of the back seat, you saw that Billy was already sitting at a table, dressed casually in a pair of jeans and a hoodie, a tray full of pizza slices in front of him. His face lit up at the sight of you - something that you’d never get tired of seeing - and you felt yourself walk faster, hurrying over to where he waited. “Hey, Billy.” He stood, stepping around the table and reaching for you, his long fingers closing around your forearm as he pulled you close, the other arm going around your body tightly. “What… Billy, that…”

“It’s good to see you while it’s light out.” He spoke quietly, kissing the side of your head before he pulled back, still smiling. “I ordered… I didn’t want to waste any time.” Billy was still holding onto your arm, thumb stroking the soft skin beneath it. “I hope -” But you cut his words off, leaning in to kiss him. I don’t want to waste time, either. “Damn.” Billy said your name as you pulled back from him, taking a deep breath. “What’s that for?” 

“Happy to see you, Russo.” You cleared your throat. “Now, let’s sit down and you can sign this contract so that we can eat without getting pizza grease all over this thing.” Billy laughed, returning to his side of the table, and though it physically pained you to do so, you pushed the pizza tray to the side, setting the folder down in front of Billy. “I didn’t change much, just the date - it’s now going to be June 3rd, and I changed some of the estimated costs, since you decided you wanted more of the -”

Billy flipped through the pages quickly, cutting you off. “Got a pen?” You reached into your bag, frowning, but handed it to him. “Great.” He pressed the pen to the paper, initialing where he needed to. 

“Billy, you didn’t even read it, I -”

“I don’t need to.” The pen was still moving over the paper, Billy’s eyes downcast. “Out of all the shit I’ve agreed to, all the things that I’ve signed my name on… this isn’t the one I have to worry about.” He looked up, a tight smile on his lips. “I trust you.” He looked back down, eyes scanning the last page. “So, I sign this, and you work for me?” He glanced up, the tight smile changing to a smirk. “You gotta do what I tell you to?” Playing along, you leaned in. 

“You want me to do what you tell me to, Billy?” He nodded once, eyes flashing. “Then yeah, I guess that’s what happens when you sign that paperwork.” You chewed on your lower lip for a second, considering. “With a signed contract, I guess… I guess we’ll be in business together, Mr. Russo.” Billy laughed loudly, looking back at the paperwork and signing it with a flourish - even adding in his middle initial. Done, he pushed the papers back toward you along with the pen. “I guess that’s that, hmm?” Billy nodded, waiting until you’d picked the papers up and put them back into the folder, which you placed back into your bag to speak. 

“Pleasure doing business with you.” You rolled your eyes and laughed at him, reaching over to pull the tray of pizza back between you. Once you’d each taken a few slices and started chewing, Billy spoke again, tone thoughtful. “You do realize…” He swallowed, using one long finger to wipe a small smear of grease from his lips. “That I’m going to be a very demanding client, right?” You wrinkled your nose but stayed quiet. “I might need… things… at all hours of the night.” He blinked slowly, eyes on yours. “Might be a full time job for you…” He couldn’t keep a straight face any longer and started laughing, returning to his lunch as you laughed along with him. 

“I hope so, Billy.” Relieved - and more than a little excited to be working with Billy on Anvil, the lunch passed quickly, and as you stood to leave, you felt better about your relationship with Billy than you had in a week. This was so normal. He joined you on your side of the table again, one arm going around your shoulders as he pulled you close, lips finding your temple and lingering. “How’s it feel, Billy?” You turned your face up to him, reaching up to push the hair out of his eyes. “You’ve got a building. You’ve got a team. You’ve got a plan. You’ve got a date for a grand opening…” You’ve got me. He searched your face, lips pressed together. “You’ve only been home for eleven days, and it’s all coming together.” 

“It is, isn’t it?” He smiled, but you still saw the worry in his eyes, heard the tone of his voice. “It feels…” He swallowed, shaking his head. “Unreal. Like I... “ He looked around, squaring his shoulders. “I’m not gonna let anything get in my way anymore.” Billy looked back at you, the set of his shoulders relaxing slightly. “I’m gonna have everything I’ve ever wanted.” You took a breath, watching him and then felt his hands settle against your waist, squeezing. “Everything.” Does that include me, Billy? I hope so. “You’ve gotta go back, you’re gonna be late.” Sighing, you nodded. You’re right. “Dinner tonight? I won’t be at Anvil late, we’re waitin’ on a delivery, so there won’t be anything for me to do after the guys workin’ on the locker rooms and the floors leave.” 

“Yes.” You nodded, leaning up to press your lips to his. “Dinner sounds great.” Your arms went around his neck, holding him close, and despite the fact that you were on a busy street, you kissed Billy like you were alone in your apartment or his, and he responded in kind, catching your lower lip between his teeth for a long moment as he pulled back. “What time?” Taking a deep breath, you ran your fingers through the ends of his hair, feeling Billy lean into your touch. “Want me to cook? I can -”

“Nah.” He sniffed, ducking his head down to kiss you again. “I’ll take you out.” He straightened up. “Go back to work, alright?” Flashing him a smile, you nodded. “I’ll text you when I’m done… 6:30 maybe? That sound good?” With a nod, you pulled back, dropping your arms to Billy’s shoulders briefly and squeezing. “I love you.” You watched his expression as he spoke, still reveling in the way he held you, the way his upper lip twitched slightly as he said the word ‘love’, the way his eyes didn’t look black in the bright sunlight - you could see the brown in them, the way they softened when he was comfortable - which he was when he was around you. Is this how it’s going to be now? 

“I love you too, Russo.” You pulled away from him, taking a deep breath. “See you tonight?” He nodded and you did too, stepping toward the curb and raising a hand toward the cars passing by. “Good luck with the furniture.” He laughed as a yellow cab pulled in front of you. “Bye, Billy.” He said goodbye to you as you slid into the backseat, turning your head to watch as he reached into his pocket, pulling out his phone and raising it to his ear. Your cab pulled away from the curb, but you kept your eyes on Billy, eyes narrowing as he raised a hand to the back of his neck, rubbing at it. Hope everything’s OK, Billy. 

---

By 6:30 that night, you were ready to go, even though you hadn’t heard back from Billy. Probably just got caught up and forgot to text. Waiting, you busied yourself around your house, straightening - and righting - the picture frames on your TV stand, which had somehow toppled over. As you worked, your eyes moved to the clock on your stove every few minutes. Where are you, Billy? There was a knock on the door at 7:15, and you nearly sprinted to answer it, heart pounding. “Billy?” He stood in your doorway, and as you eyed him, you noticed that he was standing stiffly, arms at his sides. “Billy, you have a key, why didn’t you -”

 “Can I come in?” Confused, you stepped aside, nodding. What happened? Watching Billy, you frowned as he looked around the room, eyes lingering on the TV stand before he turned toward the kitchen, stopping as he reached the table. “Look, I…” He paused, staring into the room. “I can’t…”

 “Billy?” You stepped next to him, raising your hand to touch his shoulder, and were surprised to feel him flinch when you made contact with the material of his shirt. “Billy, what -” He turned to face you, finally, but didn’t look at you, his gaze over your shoulder and toward the balcony.

 “We need to talk.” You felt your heart lurch but you nodded, frowning at him and agreeing. What the fuck happened? “Sit down.” He pointed at the couch and you quietly moved over to it, sitting and waiting for him to take his place next to you. He didn’t, instead choosing to pace back and forth in front of your sliding glass door, hands behind his back and clasped together. “I’ve been thinkin’ a lot.” You watched him move and continued to frown, unease growing with every step he took. “A whole lot.” Billy paused, stopping and finally turning to face you. “This isn’t gonna work.” Still silent, you watched him bring one hand in front of his body, gesturing between the two of you. “I thought it would. I thought it was, but …” Billy shook his head and pulled his lip between his teeth, shaking his head. “It’s not. You’re not… I can’t be with you.” You heard the words but didn’t comprehend them, still staring at the man who, only five hours earlier, had told you he loved you. “I got Anvil now, and I need to focus on that.” Are you kidding me? “I won’t have time to be with…”

 “The fuck are you talking about, Billy?” Your tone was angry, but there was hurt in your words, too. “I don’t know what happened between you signing that contract and now, but…” You watched his eyes flash, but you continued. “What are you talking about, this isn’t going to work?” You stood but didn’t move to get closer to him. “I -”

 “I can’t be with you anymore.” Billy finally met your eyes, and you gasped at the look in them. There’s nothing there. He was looking at you as if he didn’t even see you, like he was talking to a stranger, his eyes flat and dark. “We had fun, and you’re a dream to fuck, but…” Billy shrugged. “That’s it.” Struggling to find words to answer him, you felt your lower lip tremble. No. Figure this out. “Trust me, you’ll thank me for this.” He shrugged. “You knew what you were getting into with me, and if I’m bein’ honest…” He trailed off and you watched as he sniffed, wrinkling his nose. “You had me for a lot longer than anyone else ever has.” Billy laughed, the sound short and loud, one hand reaching up to run his fingers through his hair. “So that’s somethin’, right?”

 “Billy, this is…” You took a breath and let it out. “Whatever happened, just tell me about it, tell me… I’ll help you, this isn’t… this can’t be what you…” You stopped speaking, staring at him and trying to corral your thoughts. Isn’t this what you thought would happen? He’d get tired of you and… “Why?” you stepped closer to him, bypassing the coffee table and reached out again, touching his bicep. No flinch this time. “What did I do, Billy?” I know damn well I didn’t do anything, but…

 “You didn’t do anything.” Billy swallowed, shaking his head and then laughed again, eyes sweeping over your body. “You don’t do anything. You wanted me to have Anvil so bad… why?” Billy stepped closer to you, shaking his head. “Well you got your wish. Anvil is mine. You have no idea what I’ve had to do to get here, to this moment. You have no idea what I’ve had to sacrifice, what I’m gonna lose. You have no idea how hard this is, how much…” His words were coming out quickly, and you had to fight with yourself not to reach for him with your other hand. Keep him talking.

 “Billy…”You wet your lips, closing your eyes. “I only… I just want you to …”

 “You know what?” He stepped away from you, tucking one hand into his pocket as he turned to face the glass. “I was in my office earlier, lookin’ out the window.” Billy gestured with his free hand. “And I realized that I’ve got everything I ever wanted. I’m a decorated serviceman. I’m a business owner. I’m on my way to becoming a big name in security… but I’m not happy. If I have all that goin’ for me… why am I not happy? The only thing I could think of was you.” Billy turned back to you, a sneer on his face. “Do you know how much people like me get laid? Do you know what kind of women…” Your jaw dropped and you shook your head back and forth, tears filling your eyes. You knew this was coming, and yet you believed him when he said...

 “You’re an asshole.” He nodded. “I can’t believe you -”

 “I never pretended not to be an asshole.” He raised an eyebrow and it was the first genuine expression you’d seen on his face during the conversation. “I was always honest with you about that. Why change things now?” Your heart thumped in your chest as you looked at Billy, trying to find even a shred of the man you loved in him. “I need to go, I just wanted to -”

 “You need to go?” He nodded. “You come here 45 minutes late for a date, spout some bullshit about how this isn’t working, about how you don’t want to be with me anymore, you don’t explain anything, and now you tell me you need to go?” You shook your head. “That’s not how this works, Billy. Just tell me what the fuck is wrong and why this is happening all of -”

“There’s nothing to explain.” He licked his lips. “It should have happened before I left last time.” He shrugged. “But it’s happening now.” He blinked a few times and then rolled his neck, shaking his head. “You’ll thank me, I promise you. Just let me go, it’ll be easier for… you.” Billy stepped past you, walking toward the door and you counted to three in your head before you followed, using your hand to push the partially opened door shut before you gripped his arm, pulling him toward you.

 “Billy, stop it.” He stiffened, dropping his hand. “You’re not doing this, you’re not leaving me like this, you’re not -”

 “I am.” Billy turned back to face you, and this time, his eyes were cold. “We’re done. I don’t know what else I can say to you. It’s over. We don’t need to see each other again. That’s how it’s going to be.” He paused. “Except for work, because you’ll still be doing the event for me.” Shit. “I made my choice, that’s how breakups go.” What about my choice? “Look.” Billy sighed, lowering his head. “I wasn’t lying when I said I had fun with you, but…” He shrugged. “I gotta do what I gotta do.” He reached up, putting a hand on your shoulder and squeezing, the contact still sending a jolt through your body even though you were close to tears. He said your name, eyes on your face. You waited, unsure of what to say and trying to think of something to fill the silence but couldn’t come up with anything. Is this happening? Are we really… is this over? “Don’t call me unless it’s Anvil related.”

 He spoke suddenly, tearing his hand away from your shoulder and then, before you could react, he was gone. You watched the door shut behind him, and though you expected it to slam, it instead shut with a quiet ‘click’. What just happened? Go after him. You moved without thinking, stepping forward and pulling the door open, but Billy was already gone, the hallway empty. Call him. You turned from the door, and it slammed shut behind you as you moved back to your table and picked up your phone, pressing the button to call Billy and raising the device to your ear. It rang once and then went to voicemail, and you swore under your breath, hanging up and dialing again. The third time Billy denied your call, you closed your eyes, slumping down onto the cushions of the couch. “Billy, I don’t know what just happened, but…” You paused, feeling the tears sliding down your cheeks. “I don’t know what’s going on, Billy. But I love you, and I need you to know that. I’m sorry that I… I’m sorry that you don’t think I can help you.” You pulled the phone away from your ear, opening your eyes, and then put it back. “I love you, Billy Russo.”

 Ending the call, you dropped the phone onto the cushion next to you and drew your knees up to your chest, wrapping your arms around them. The room was silent, except for the sounds of your crying, and the more time that passed, the harder your body shook. By the time you were finished - exhausted, eyes red and swollen, throat sore - it was fully dark out. We should be done with dinner by now, headed back… You groaned again, groping for your phone, but you had no missed calls, no messages - nothing. Taking a deep breath, you unlocked your phone and dialed Billy again, Just answer, please.

 But after one ring, you got sent to voicemail again, Billy’s voice in your ear and asking you to leave a message.

[tsultrimpawo]

Groundlessness and Gratitude

Since wrinting this, the world has become even more confused and filled with hatred and greed. Not long after the COVID-19 lockdown, there came to light at least two very violent examples of racial injustice that have been in the world spotlight.

I'm thinking specifically about George Floyd's murder by the local police in Minneapolis.

Seeing the senseless and unnecessary violence that took a man's life brings about a multitude of feelings. Shock, anger, fear to name the most obvious. I am determined to meet this with compassion, which means I must not turn away from the emotional reactions to this. When I examine the shock and anger and fear, I see that underneath these reactions there is a profound sadness. I do not want to lose touch with my own humanity. Therefore, it is imperatives that I allow myself the time and space to experience the full range of reactions I am having. In doing this, I recognize that there is suffering all around.

To quote the Four Great Vows:

"Sentient beings are numberless; we vow to save them all.

Delusions are endless; we vow to cut through them all.

The teachings are infinite; we vow to learn them all.

The Buddha way is inconceivable; we vow to attain it."

Uncertainty....

I don't know about the rest of you, but uncertainty is not my favorite experience. When it comes to morality and being told what to do, I like to say that certainty is absurd (Voltaire once said, "Doubt is an uncomfortable condition, but certainty is a ridiculous one."). But, when I am completely honest with myself, I don't like applying the same thing to life situations.

Take the COVID-19 situation,for example... I don't like the uncertainty of this time in our history because I can't rely on the usual routines and interactions with my friends that comfort me. Many places are closing and/or limiting the public's access. Meeting friends at the local coffee shop is not really an option (in fact, restaurants and bars are essentially closed by executive order of the governor). I'm not sure that it's wise to meet friends outdoors either, I suppose it's cool as long as we stay 6 feet apart...if the CDC and WHO are correct.

Add to all the uncertainty of this COVID-19 situation that I am in the middle of moving and changing my life in fundamental, and in some cases radical ways. I am also looking for work in an environment where hiring isn't a top priority (because of the virus...).

Everything seems to be up in the air. Kind of like the moment when you toss a ball in the air and it's suspended for a microsecond before it falls back down. The urge to try to control something, anything, is very strong.

The interesting thing is that, if I am honest with myself, the only real difference between now and any other time is that, because of this pandemic, the move, and the job search, the groundlessness of the moment is much more obvious. The truth of the matter is that this groundlessness is actually quite ordinary. The usual sense of routine and certainty is an illusion. Anything can happen at any time. I try very hard to maintain routines that are comforting but the reality of the situation is that life is uncertain.

Now...what to do with this...?

I can allow myself to lapse into nihilism and just say, 'fuckit' (which only serves to make me feel even more uncomfortable), or I can do as my teacher, Gangaji encourages me to:

Stop.

Tell the truth.

Be still.

When I do this, I discover gratitude. I am grateful because the current conditions of life have highlighted the truth that life is uncertain. I am grateful for this because it makes the experience of love and friendship even more precious because they are impermanent.

I am reminded of a Buddhist parable:

A man traveling across a field encountered a tiger. He fled, the tiger after him. Coming to a precipice, he caught hold of the root of a wild vine and swung himself down over the edge. The tiger sniffed at him from above. Trembling, the man looked down to where, far below, another tiger was waiting to eat him. Only the vine sustained him.

Two mice, one white and one black, little by little started to gnaw away the vine. The man saw a luscious strawberry near him. Grasping the vine with one hand, he plucked the strawberry with the other. How sweet it tasted!

[ozymandiasdirge]

not to be all fuckit broadcast mental illness on main but

anyway since life is meaningless i started rewtaching jjba and genuinely the fact that head empty body huge 19 year old jonathan joestar was like “to make up for the fact that my family is nouveau riche i will be a perfect victorian gentleman who is honorable to the point of suicidal stupidity” has every single descendent of his say “well....fuck it time to be gay do crimes and scam our way to victory” love that for them