#FUCK i didnt have enough space!!!
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SOME OF MY FAVE KATSUKIS IN FICS OF ALL TIME!!! i love fic writers sm and i hope to return even just a fraction of the joy they give me <3
Immovable by @yee-boii
LOVEBITE by surveycorpsjean
invincible by supercrunch
here here, my friends and me (You are my familia) by @jekacatrina
#I REALLY SHOULDVE ADDED BETHS FIC HERE#AND ALSO WARSCHARCH#FUCK i didnt have enough space!!!#kiwi and rani and snail are also supposed to be here but GIRL I RAN OUT OF TIME AND ENERGY#.. fuck. FUCK. HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN INCINERATE??!?#bnha#mha#boku no hero academia#my hero academia#codi.png#bkdk#bakugou katsuki#bakugou
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What if... mark dranka the grey stuff... and got back with wallter......
#EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP I ACCIDENTALLY MADE WALLTER TALL AS HELL#bruv was NOT supposed to be that tall#i didnt have enough space for mark thi so#anyway#regretevator#regretavator#roblox regretevator#roblox#regretevator roblox#regretevator wallter#wallter regretevator#wallmark#regretevator mannequin mark#mannequin mark regretevator#mark regretevator#regretevator mark#regretevator au#<- ?
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Do you have any plan to make some kind of bonus chapter or oneshot about marcille's perspective in little creature? It's not like I'm asking you for it ofc!! it's just that i think it'll be interesting to read, and especially since you had those tags about marcille after her fight/outburst with falin and how you couldn't add it to the fic because the fic is from falin's perspective
Probably not about anything that happens during a little creature, but maybe something before or after? Sometimes I do like to do "the other character thinking back to events while doing stuff in a sequel" oneshot type thing, but we'll see how it shakes out!
#asks#a little creature#i will say#Marcille was firmly in denial and just Not Thinking About Her Feelings#the dinner scene was the first crack in her self delusion but it was still there#then the last chapter was it finally shattering as she saw Falin kissing someone else and experienced Elf Shrimp Emotions#just insane intensity furor and jealousy#she was about to fucking blow up#and then the confrontation happens and shes literally in shambles#cant think everything hurts#just barely scraping enough braincells to thank kiki inbetween enormous hiccups and sobs that shake her entire body#sees laios. slaps him. collapses into his arms sobbing and apologizing again#he cant actually understand what shes saying through the blubbering but hes doing his best to comfort her#to be perfectly honest im not 100% she even has the space to process 'i have feelings for falin' in full clarity#the 'why did seeing her kissing someone else make me feel like i wanted to die or kill someone' doesnt like... click#not until she gets over the mess of 'how could she say that to me didnt i do enough'#'didnt i love her enough does she care so little for me that she cant even bother to think about how i feel'#'does she care so little for me that she doesnt know that i would die for her i HAVE died for her and killed for her'#'how could she not know that she was nothing less than my whole reason for living for so long'#... i guess thats what shes blubbering at laios but it just comes out as like#'howcouldnbwhebwsbebwbendoesbdhemotbbwkowbblblbllvlbl'#snotting into laios's shirt#its ok. she'll be ok. like laios has to carry her back to her room because she latched on and didn't let go until she literally like#cried herself to exhaustion and passed out.#but she'll be okay. after maybe another day of moping she finally has her White Woman Moment of looking at herself in the mirror#and admitting that she's in love with falin and has been for a while
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procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally
#on my friends living room floor they love together but one of them has been london for weeks or maybe months#to be with her love. im on a foam mattress from one of their beds next to a glass bottle of water opened by one of them#in a mug given to me by another. the weather felt like my childhood today and it also felt like 2 years ago.#(put space in the heavens Einstein's idea and hes your friend too so nothing to fear) around the table they drank and laughed and i thought#i hope you keep growing so full with the love you receive . i hope your appetite becomes insatiable from how used to it you are#and i know youre all leaving soon but i hope one day you miss this and that youll be happy you miss it#its worth missing i think#i thought he didnt care but he said after exams hes going walk around this area over and over#(this is near where he lived and where we visited almost daily for a year)#(hed come across the bridge on a lake)#we went where she used to live and at the entrance a fox sat calmly. it just yawned and stared.#it felt important somehow. i think maybe their impressions of me will never be close to how i feel inside but i think#i love them enough for that not to matter. i dont think theyll ever know this. i dont think if they did it would change much.#and seeing them smile makes my heart glow anyway. today i tried their malaysian tea the ginger burned my throat#they warmed my heart. hes going to canada soon and hes going to the US soon and shes going everywhere soon ill never understand#how were supposed to live with memories and with seperation and with the past but we do it anyway so i think it doesnt matter much#i wanted to write a poem for the lab rats with the fibre optic wires lit with blue forcing them to turn around and around#something about how im sorry that the two photon arrays burned the inside of your brain. im sorry about the sharp points of multielectrode#arrayes. im sorry about everything we do to you. she asked to see me tomorrow. im trying to have self control but i miss her so awfully#last night my friend talked to me and i updated on everything that happened with love and the lack of it and she just started laughing#and she told me about the same thing from her side. and she told me about how she loved london because she would walk the streets#and she felt like the people were her. and her eyes would go over the people and the bag of bagels and the construction men they probably#have a kid at home maybe shes a daughter. this kid is crying for her mother and the building you just walked past caused#blisters and pain and people died in it and very likely people were born in it. we talked for hours and i felt like#i was holding her hand just like that time she held mine watching a horror film. i love her so much#my friend is a genius and i remember her picking up the charms of my phone and staring at the leaf hanging from them. shes side stepping to#music drinking dangerous cider and cocktails from a movie and chit chatting with billionaires and undergrads#i love her dearly. his head covered in electrodes. she tells me about a syrian guy shes in love with and she says#what you feel and what i feel is like cocaine. ive tried a lot of fucking cocaine.#she says ive reminded her of what living actually feels like and to never put energy into someone who doesnt see me this way.
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I am still not over the fact that I somehow managed to overlook the brightly glowing Aasimar just hanging around very visibly in his manor which the quest given was about
Truly amazing
#too busy looting to take the actual treasure with us#a dick of an assimar#yes yes i will replay-eventually-and take him with me now that i fucking now#bUT by the time i learned i was like hours past this point#and now i am over 90hours in...so#also jfc this game feels a lot faster than the time i spend in it huh#i finished up some companion quests and went 'naaaw they are already done ): seems p finished and the pics only have enough space for 4 too#so sad if thats the case ):#like hi yes hello me myself and i-you spent around 90hours with those guys one way or another AND there is more convos to stalk on to come#i love this#zkretchy#art#pathfinder wrath of the righteous#wotr#ocs#knight commander#daeran arendae#woljif jefto#the funniest bit is: i did literally think that this didnt feel...finished or done-that i DID forget smth#welp but then the whole fending off demons bit happened and that was that done#rip you'd love the chaos i bring#i think....idk yet to be fair#just going off vibes here mostly
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in a hilarious turn of events my flatmate didn't even know I use any pronouns....
#i thought when she was talking abt how her parents thought i was gonna come out as trans and kept checking my name/pronouns-#that the joke was that im ALREADY trans but in ways they dont know abt.... but nope she genuinely didnt know 🤭#to be fair. i dont rly let anyone in on my gender business unless we're close enough to be dating or its an anonymous online space#like im legally cis and thats fine. idc abt ppl using my name + she/her bc thats not my gender identity its just AN identity that i use-#to navigate the world without ppl being fucking nosy bc i pass as + am sociopolitically treated as a woman (if butch lol)#to ppl who are friends ill joke that my gender is dyke (true) and to friends whose gender falls on a similar spectrum-#or who are transmasc ill talk a little more honestly abt it bc theyre usually able to understand better than anyone else#other butch dykes w a weird gender going on are the only motherfuckers who actually Get It but theyre hard to come by tbh#to be frank i dont fucking know whats going on w my gender. and i dont rly care enough to do the introspection to figure it out rn#i have so many other problems in my life and im lucky that most of my beef w gender can be solved by presenting butch + binding#and using any pronouns around other queer ppl. its actually incredibly funny to me when ppl she/her me bc its like tch. this chump hasnt#unlocked my level of gender yet. pronouns and names in general are so far disconnected from the way i exist in the world...#its just smth thats fun for me to play around with + makes me feel weird sometimes but in ways i havent distilled yet yknow#and this has been my approach to gender for like?? 4-5 years now??? and likely will continue to be for a long while..#anyway. its not actually that surprising my flatmate doesnt know bc shes cis so ive never felt compelled to have a deeper conversation#abt gender with her. but also i could sweeaaar its been mentioned bc almost all our other friends are trans lol#and also ive been introducing myself at queer sports socials w any pronouns and i swear i talked abt that w her..... whatever#and my pronouns are on discord and shes def seen my tumblr before but maybe i didnt have them in my bio at the time... i digress#i kind of prefer cis ppl she/hering me tbh. theyre not able to they them or he him or whatever else me in a way that matters.....#altho i do find it fascinating when she or other ppl elect to use neutral or masculine terms for me. raising an eyebrow and taking notes#like when she got a job and joked abt me being her househusband.. pulling up the fem/masc tally chart and chalking a line up#a la nona the ninth.... ive been trying to figure out whos inhabiting this body my entire fucking life with no luck girl#ANYWAY just smth to think abt. im so tired i think my brain is gonna start seeping out my eyeballs#im gonna watch some more pluto and read and then -> 🛌#another 6:30 start tomorrow woohoo#.diaries#zzzzz
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every newer gen kpoppy who calls it revolutionary every time a big name bg member wears something vaguely skirt-like should be required to watch lee sungjong of infinite putting his whole pussy into performing coming of age ceremony by park jiyoon wearing the song's classic form-fitting black side-slitted dress with zero gimmicks way back in 2012
#its Required Material re: historical kpop genderfuckery#no but im 100% for real. this was in the middle of the era where bg members doing gg songs in drag and whatnot was a really#common gag at concerts and in variety shows and whatnot- especially using bg members who were/are considered the most effeminate#basically it was a big Joke and never taken seriously. alot of the time the dances would be exaggerated and whatnot and yeah they#werent like. REAL covers. werent usually respectful of the original gg/female idol's work and all that. haha man in dress type humor#i know if you're old enough to be following me and into kpop you probably know this already and im talking into space but whatever#anyway. sungjong said fuck that and fucking killed it with a genuine live cover (dance And vocals) of coming of age ceremony#which- as you can imagine based on the title- isnt just an iconic female idol song but one that's blatantly about female sexuality#and whatnot. wore the dress that's in the original mv (or something very similar) and didnt play it up with a wig or anything like that#(like what's usually the case when male idols cover gg songs to make it more clear that its a Costume and they are Crossdressing rather tha#just. being a guy and wearing a dress.)#did not shy away from the sexiness of the dance AT ALL to the point of riding the floor at one point more or less which. god fucking damn#but anyway. it's totally true to the original and is unapologetically sexy in an inherently orientation-fucking gender-fucking way and GOD#wish it got more attention than it did because THAT is revolutionary. thats the first performance i ever saw where a male idol did a#female idol song in the original female idol outfit live without any gimmick or even the implication that it COUNTS as drag. its SUCH a#big deal imo. and it helps that its really fucking hot but thats neither here nor there. anyway. i know its been years but i still have so#many feelings and opinions about sungjong's coming of age ceremony performance ghfgjhdgfdh WATCH IT#sungjong#infinite#kibumblabs
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hi. for people who saw gatsby: an american myth. do you remember mckee asking nick for lunch. and then gatsby in like the next scene inviting nick for lunch. because i remember.
#not pjo#chitter chatter#when gatsby was like 'we should do lunch' i was like. hello. fucking. hello. are we. hello.#gatsby really said we just met literally 5 minutes ago. come meet my father figure. normal normal thing to do jay.#to be clear gatsby also asks him to go to lunch in the book. but like. there's a time skip. and also#in the show after mckee asks they immediately start making out on the couch. none of this ... nonsense#so the vibes are a LITTLE different in my brain.#i saw a few people say they didnt think gatsby and nick flirted enough and like while i do think that think part of it is we're#in nick's pov but not his HEAD#he DOES start singing about gatsby's smile for no reason until jordon is like. alright buddy. lets talk about daisy.#like nick was just Doing That. pull it together carraway.#but i got the vibe (JUST my take) that gatsby was like. kinda into nick. zero reason to be leaning into his space like that sir.#however when he actually MET daisy again he became kinda singularly focused on her again#i mean he built his whole lifeup to this moment#he says it at the end. he murdered pieces of himself to bring himself here. for DAISY.#him snapping back to daisy mode makes sense to me but he still reaches out for nick as a comfort in the sense that hes like#nick do NOT leave please stay with us. daisy does the same. and ofc part is that theyre really. fucking awkward. but like.#LET ME HAVE MY OWN NONSENSE INTERPRETATIONS. HES TRAPPED BY WHITENESS AND CLASS AND HETEROSEXUALITY.#hes already so much of an outsider trying to fit in. (i also think he loves daisy or an ideal at least. and she's EASIER to love. safer.)#nick inherently has more freedom even as a gay man in the sense that hes richer and white and an ivy league dude i mean you understand righ#right????????#even if its in the book i do wanna point out the parallels between those moments. im choosing to see it as deeply intentional <3#this show had a lot of repetition and parallels (see daisy and myrtle in a lot of songs and scenes)#(one i LOVE is tom giving myrtle a necklace and daisy later giving TOM her necklace in case he sees anyone he knows. idk love that shit)#im...gonna queue this#im embarrassed to talk about this show so much. so. into the queue it goes!!!#all the worlds a stage#so like. anyway. thats where i think nick's mind immediately went when gastsby asked him for lunch. personal headcanon <3#gatsby after one convo: we're doing lunch // me and nick immediately: oh ok! guess that's a date then!
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#also. also. shes like “i hope i was a better friend once you reframed it as 'im upset because youve been a really shitty person towards mw#for months - before that i thought it was because you were sad i probably didnt have feelings for you#(in which case of course my actions would have been totally justified). anyway after that i became a totally good and reliable friend“#when what she did since i framed it that way was (1) ghost me for 3 months (2) met up and immediately said she needed space (after one#conversation since the summer) (3) broke up with me under the most inconvenient conditions when im totally isolated from all of my friends#and during a long drive where im forced to be around her for hours to a camp where she is my only means of leaving#good friend behavior????#she always seems so thoughtful and phrases everything in a way that makes sense in the moment. but sometimes i wonder if she ever thinks#about other people at all#it feels like she wants all of these experiences and connections but only while theyre convenient and exciting and new. and what i thought#was a meaningful connection was maybe like a collectable trinket? or i dont know maybe. a fun experiment so she could learn more about#herself. framing every time she hurt me as a lesson she was learning about Relationships#ughhhhh I'm not a fucking educational tool#“i want to do all the same things exactly but not call it a relationship. and i have a crush on you but i dont like you enough. and i dont#want to ever date anyone and i dont want to be in relationships but of course im not going to break up with my boyfriend“#im so fucking done
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NO LITERALLY SOOO REAL. sparrow as a trans allegory is literally canon to ME!!! her fighting the allegations [vine boom shes laying on the ground family guy style] your art is so everything to me its sooo<3
WAHHH thank you :,,,,) yeah like fully it is so just. integral to how i read her character at this point? like, i don’t think it’s text and don’t want it to be text but it is like. So clear to me as subtext/allegory.
would like 2 draw more sparrow actively experiencing trans joy, though :,) but do know that in my head i am always rotating a complex series of intricate thoughts about sparrow and her gender identity.
#asks#in the dorian cinematic universe sparrow realized Oh. around the time of s1? maybe even during?#but kinda didnt wanna touch it and really Doesnt until they are all in their 20s. there was fucking around prior like she was a furry imo.#and she has always had like a Weird and Quirky style and has always been pretty openly gnc but had firm internal boundaries abt it#but yeah i imagine their 20s were a Bit more calm and even if having hero was always a plan i think settling down would have still felt far#enough a way for sparrow to give herself the space to exhale a Little. i think she was more actively femme for a while and potentially even#tried out different pronouns and labels before handwaving that away as if it was nbd and settling back into GNC Man(tm)#and continuing to be Sillay with her gender but never too silly. and the internal boundaries were unique to her but they were + are strict.#and i feel like all the kiddads Know(tm) and Especially lark Knows(tm) but what is there to say. like. what can you say.#WAIT I HAVE TO MAKE A#SEPARATE POST SO I CAN SPOILER MARK IT I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING
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...
#ok. this is the fucking bullshit thing abt grad school. u go to fucking grad school bc u r a fucking tryhard nerd freak#who is either naturally very smart or ur so fucking anxious u r incapable of allowing urself to get a bad grad#and then u go to fucking grad school and everyone's like: man fuck ur classes. if youre getting streight As then u aren't focusing on ur#research. and theyre right. but u still cant fucking let go of the idea that if u get a bad grad the world is gonna fucking end and u r a#bad person. u didnt try hard enough. all this to say i have a final project that i put way too much energy into and not even in a good way#i would just open the document. start sobbing. and then close it and spiral abt how i didn't want to work on it. so its bullshit#i mean. its a good project idea ans i probably sound like i kno wtf im talking abt bc i do. i worked on that topic for 4 years but like#i could make it wayyyyy better. its bullshit. i didnt even number the citations to give more page space. i made section headers. i didnt#wrap text. i could add like 4 more lines of text if i wanted but i think im not gotta bc fuck it. ugh. i dont even. i fucking avoide#stochastic stuff altogether which i kno im gonna have to fight abt but like fuck it who cares abt randomness. i just wanna focus on the#predictably aspect of community composition. fuck u. i shouldnt have picked this topic. i mean. i had to bc its like the one microbe thing#i could do but its also like the exact topic that makes me wanna rip my hair out and start screaming. like jesus christ who tf cares? ugh.#i think id give myself a B if it was an undergrad class. but the standard is higher in an all grad class. ugh. i hate this. i should just#send it abd be done. i dont even kno when its due tomorrow. before class i guess. idk i felt like garbage today. fucking vertigo bby. i feel#ok now tho. so maybe the allergic reacting is over???? fingers r still arthritisy tho. jesus. im falling apart#ive got a pretty good sounding excuse for being lazy tho: owo i had an allergic reaction to my antidepressants 🥳 but nah no excuses we run#this body into the ground. like the good old days.#unrelated
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🌩
#it is so difficult bc EVERYTHING reminds me of him#like every single thing....#when the sun hits in a certain way i 'remember' daydreams i've had where we walk together in the sun#like my daydreaming world is very vivid and big..#so it's very intense for me :/#and when it rains and thunders i ache bc one ofmybiggest daydreams#was to be held & also ofc have sex with him while it rains and thunders outside early in the morning...#i have built up and dreamed an entire life for us in my head#and i truly for the first time in my life WANTED it and was willing to be brave enough to do whatever it took to get there#and make it real!!!#but i felt so rejected by him time and time again after out first 2 months of intense contact every day#and when i told him i was in love with him and wanted to work it out#he didnt tell me anything of his feelings only that he had sm other things going on and he had no idea how to give me attention etc etc#or like give me anything bc he was so caught up in the chaos of his life. which i understood and wanted to give him space#and i didnt dare push it and just be like hiiiso iwanna move into u next week if i can ok bye#then iwaited and waited to just talk about it#and then he suddenly.... has a gf.....#and it just hurts so fucking bad and i wanted that reality with him#it is the ONLYYYYYY thing in my life that had made my heart come alive and now i have to let it go#i dont know how bc onlyholding his hand is smth i'd vhoose over like winning the lottery and getting rich#i want HIM so bad and i love HIM sm im gonna die
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damn living here really does suck
#logbook#'going to a block party!!' its the neighborhood block party. not invited.#i hate having to park across the street bc they arent leaving space anymore. and oh you can tell us to move. why dont you just move then??@!#my room is an absolute living hell and mess. i dont even know how to begin to organize it i'll probably just. throw stuff together and cart#it over once we're approved.#and then last night it was like. lets go to a karaoke night! our dog has separation anxiety and abandonment issues and barks and whines the#whole time we're gone but we're not home so its fine. . .except its almost 10 at night and we have a roommate. but fuck our roommate.#if i start sleeping at rents it feels like im giving in but. i feel like im going crazy and asking for too much to be like. hey man.#im a person here too. 'csn you handle the dog while we're gone to a block party' SO ITS MY FUCKING FAULT?? IM A CHILD NOW?#my whole room at rents is taken over by all their shit but i really am tempted to just. only come back here to pack and couch surf.#im just going to be told this is how it is now and 'so you dont want to be friends'? lord help me#if i didnt have jael i wouldnt be so concerned. or the plants. but i have both so i have to come by frequently enough to care for them.
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actually so funny (it isn't) that everytime i struggle to do something and i tell my parents about it they just respond with "you just have to do it." like. guys. if i could "just do it" i would NOT be complaining about not being able to do it!!
#this has happened so many times. why is that their default response#during online school 'i have 87 missing assignments and i cant concentrate on them. help.' 'just do them?' 'wow why didnt i think of that..#or my dad trying to imply that i had that many missing assignments on purpose??? buddy i am the same kid that would've rather died than-#-miss school. do you seriously think i would be behind on that shit on purpose??? in what world#every single time i struggle to do something and want advice they just tell me to do it. as if i couldn't have thought of that#especially when i realized part of why online school didnt work for me is because school and home were no longer separate#whenever i was at school (or just a general separate place where im Supposed to work on stuff) i could do it just fine#outside of school i would procrastinate so bad and have no motivation or concentration for anything#i told my mom i needed a separate place to work that wasnt my room and my personal computer. she told me to 'just do it'#and suddenly when i have a separate room and computer to work on (especially in a room i already had to work in before that)#suddenly i was able to concentrate! and get shit done!#and yet this same situation will probably happen again lol. bc my parents dont like listening and taking my mental problems seriously#but like. getting my own space allowed me to finish like 5 tarot cards in quick succession. in the previous MONTHS i only finished 3.#'hm i wonder why i could finish so many cards within a week. surely its not because of what my child said would help.'#like it mustve just been that i locked in somehow. not that i got accommodations.#anyway holy fucking essay i just typed out. i need to shower rn anyways. enough rambling from me for now
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:(
Very bad grade in therapy today
#thought i could make progress this year and yet here i am having done jack shit by now#what has even been the point#i just wanted to do something today that didnt feel awful like try to encourage people to watch a show or play a game#and now im just right back to Why do i bother staying alive? im never going to make any progress#and even if i do I'm going to just be worthless the whole time and waste precious resources others could be using#oh yes just try saying a nice thing to yourself for once! yeah sure that will help when i cant do anything worth a damn#i want to help people but i have no skillsets and no money to further my education and teaching myself gets me right where i already am!#continuing like this is like spitting in the face of anyone who is actually out there pursuing their dreams and thats not fair to them#they put in all that hard work and im over here being a whiny ass bitch bc i want so badly to do better and learn more#but the only thing holding me back is that im a dumbass who cant do anything right and no one will ever think differently#why am i trying to make myself something i can never be? what is goddamn point if its just a waste of everyones time and effort#i just... it feels like the least i can do is just stop taking up space#free up some oxygen for someone who really needs it and shelter for someone who truly deserves it#i shouldnt even have these things and yet i complain about how much gas i have to pay to commute to my jobs#like such an asshole#and i said i so much in these tags bc im such a selfish jerk who coearly doesnt care enough nor has a worthwhile vocabulary to say otherwise#theres just no fucking point to any of this#...#its cold today#might be a good day to do my favorite plan#actually yeah fuck it im gonna go#hope you all stay kind to yourselves and enjoy your 2024#you absolutely deserve it and everything you can get out of it#keep being amazing yall#see you on the flip side or whatever#orbs thought bubbles
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everyone say thank u to my roommate for going to visit her parents this weekend so I can jack it loud and nasty 🙏
#i love her but there are some benefits to having the flat to myself.... love getting to wander around in just my boxers + a tshirt too#things i could do while she was still here if i wasnt a pussy 🙄#jk itd just make her uncomfortable and im too respectful for that#having a lowkey crush on her is an endless comedy to me bc we would be so woefully incompatible romantically#and also sexually.. historically ive only ever stone topped bc ive never been comfortable enough w anyone to let them fuck me#despite very much Not being stone or exclusively a top. and i think shes some form of sex repulsed anyway so like. sits there dead silence#and also shes so in love with her other friends and i showed up late to that party.... ive been feeling kinda guilty lately bc ik-#she misses them a lot and wishes we'd be able to stay roommates w them too. and im a pretty poor replacement for them tbh#and i love spending time with her but whenever i do i feel kinda painfully aware im not them like i could never fill that space#and asking to hang out more with her always feels like im taking away from time she could be talking to them. or even being alone ik she-#likes her own company and i get that a lot too so its chill but ahh.. man#i dont mean this in a bitter or jealous way at all like theyre all such sweet ppl i couldnt ever hold it against them#theyre kind of a 3 headed cerberus type situation and im like. the stray puppy they found on the side of the road#theres nothing they can do differently i was just born to be alienated from other ppl forever until i die. and someday i hope ill-#finally get used to it and accept i wont ever feel like im enough for anyone else or feel like anything else is enough for me#old wounds healed over 5082 times that still hurt to touch but i cant help pressing my fingers into them anyway bc its a familiar pain etc#anyway lost where i was going with this its just been on my mind again recently. i hate to be pitied i hate to feel like im only included-#bc they didnt want me to feel left out i hate feeling like a shoddy secondhand stand-in and its been a lot of that lately#also been a little annoyed bc sometimes it feels like shes trying to micromanage my social life and girl. we're not close enough for that#im sure its well intentioned but im not part of what they have going on i cant compete in that ring so dont try to push me into it..#ahhh. its all ok tho one of the guys is coming to visit next month which will be rly fun but ill try to give them some space too#its good at least im doing this processing now bc group situations can be spike traps of triggers for me sometimes#regardless of how good friends i am w ppl and ive already had a wobble a few weeks ago w how i cope and i dont want it to become a#fully fledged regular issue again bc its so hard to crawl back out of that pit. anyway losing coherence here im gonna stop rambling#and go make myself an early dinner and then back to drawing........#sorry for long tags if ur reading this blows u a kiss but go find a better use of ur time girl!!#.diaries
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missfertileandferal
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