#FINALLY got a doctors appointment
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#FINALLY got a doctors appointment#Not an in person one lmao but if this new treatment doesn't work over the next few weeks then they'll see me#Cautiously optimistic about even the concept of a treatment!! Knowing they're ready to investigate further if it fails is also reassuring#Absolutely exhausted but kinda relieved#Almost convenient that I had another random pain/vomiting episode this morning to prompt the speedy emergency appointment#Almost.#I'm still not thrilled about it. -3 cups of tea alone is not how I wanna go about my days
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But I am really excited for tomorrow evening. You guys know I'm excited to see Tommy and some proper Buck and Tommy content. And Halloween stuff!!! 911 Halloween episodes are always a good time.
I'm definitely on the Buck-touches-the-mummy-and-gets-a-skin-infection(Or worse)-and-Tommy-is-weirded-out-and-calls-Eddie-in team. Because why would you NOT call in your friendly neighborhood former army medic and unofficial paramedic in that case. Like what's the point of having one if you don't use it.
But I also love love love seeing Buck and Tommy in comfy/cozy clothes together. Tank tops/large hoodies/sweats. It feels so domestic to know they're comfy with each other like that, but of course they are after almost six months. But it's good to see.
I just cannot wait for tomorrow.
#bucktommy#I missed all the fun yesterday between my doctors appointment and grocery shopping#and then when I finally got on the computer I threw on sykkuno's stream and played some tcg card shop sim
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Back on my nonsense…a little preview of what I’m doing in the background.
#trigun#trigun stampede#vash the stampede#and maybe another person#my broke butt finally got an iPad#so I no longer have to do art on my phone#I have ideas in my head the hard part is deciding how to render them#the other part is wanting to throw yourself off a cliff halfway through making it#I’ve had a lot going on so that’s why it’s been a bit delayed too#dentist appointments#funerals#doctor appointments#work stuff#all fun things#but yeah I’m looking to finishing this one soon
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Does pretending to be fine on the outside bring you at least some sort of satisfaction? That they won’t see how bad it gets
yesss and it's so selfish and embarrassing, i keep hoping someday they'll all see right through the bullshit and then they'll say "oh my, it was so very bad all along and you never said anything? you withstood it all and never brought any attention to yourself? that's so selfless, i could never, i would have broken earlier, you are so strong. we will help you now, you deserve it now because you never asked for anything!!!" but it never happens and it never will happen and the worse it gets for me the more i put on the cheerful and selfless and carefree demeanor, i get so desperate to keep it all up because if i ever drop the act and start Acting Depressed, start wearing my arms out or stop smiling at everybody all the time, i would be acting selfish, i would be attention-seeking, i would be undeserving of any help at all since i'm simply craving attention. you see what i mean? it's all twisted but i swear there is a logic there - the more desperately i need something to change, the kinder i will act, the milder, gentler, more selfless, quieter, i have to handle it with humility because not complaining and just taking it quietly is what would make me deserving of some care, and sometimes i need it so badly that i'd do anything to deserve it. i keep thinking if i deserved it i would have already received it, only that's not how people function, people go to psychologists or tell their friends 'i'm depreseed' and that's how they get help, not through martyrdom and humility. but i do it the quiet way and the worse things get the quieter and more mellow i become and it will probably go on this way until i kill myself and then people will say "holy shit, she was always so cute and kind and pastel, nobody could have expected this, who could have had any idea?"
#to be fair it is also not entirely my fault that i don't get any help at all because i've waited months for a single psych appointment#he told me i probably have bpd and to not do any substances and also presribed me dbt therapy#then i called up all the clinics in poland that offer dbt therapy and one finally picked up after fucking weeks of ghosting they told me#i do not have a ✨ prescription code✨ refused to explain what that is and told me i should have known things like that#i booked another appointment waited two months again and was told oh yeah we cannot actually get you like a prescription for#refunded therapy#or however to translate it#we can only recommend it! okay so. thanks for the recommendation. kinda wish you would have told me that before.#and they told me i should actually go to the family doctor or whatever you call those in english#but that means a woman who has treated my entire close family for like the last 20 years or so#so yeah i won't go to someone who's known me since i was an infant to tell her. Things#mind you my family has no idea about The Things and she treats them all#and anyway the worst part of the episode was over by the time i got the family doctor info and i was just too tired to keep trying anymore#so like#it's also not entirely my fault#not 100% anyway#only maybe like 97.5%#answered#anon#holy shit i never put it all in words so concisely thank you for this anon i needed to spell this out to myself#not to mention after i would get the prescription i would still need to wait for two years for the first therapy appointment
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The Healthcare horrors persist
Hhhhhhhhhhhhhh
#Updates on this whole mess:#Im insured under my dad#he has Healthcare option 1 which is government provided since he is retired millitary and option 2 due to his new job#after his retirement option 1 went funky for me and changed things around meaning i was no longer able to be seen by my pcp#Im also unable to log in to any of my accounts for 1 so im not sure whats going on there and what plan of 1 i have specifically#so i switched to a new pcp which accepted option 2 (which was super hard to find) literally last week#made an appointment with her for next month so i can finally get answers about my funky blood test results#(which is still don't know what specifically is wrong with it! for all i know i could just have high cholesterol-#or i could have markers for rheumatoid arthritis instead of my prior fibromyalgia diagnosis!)#(i also do not get refils for my anxiety medication until i have an appointment with my new doctor)#crisis averted right? WRONG!#I just got a call from my Dad saying he is switching jobs so I am no longer insured under 2#meaning...#1) i need to call option 1 and figure out how to get into my accounts and what my insurance is#2) check that this pcp acceprs said insurance#3) find yet another pcp if she doesnt and make an appointment for god knows when#and here is the kicker:#since option 1 is government and millitary based it is going to take FOREVER to get anything done#And Im not sure if they are going to want me to renew my millitary dependent ID or not#because that shit is EXPIRED and i was under the impression i can no longer renew it due to his retirement#but also in order to make any acoount with option 1 they require a benefits number which expires alongside the ID#Then on the other side of things i also have my wisdom teeth surgery to schedule (through my mom thank god)#and school starting again in a few weeks#going to defenestrate myself istg
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good evening beautiful phone app ppl i am back
#hooooo boy today was a doozy#i finally was able to see a doctor and got prescribed a few meds for whatever demon is in my body#going to 3 different urgent cares was crazy but it was what it was ig#had a pretty big fight with my mom and actually did kinda fr have a mental break#i swear i was joking ab that earlier but gd did it rlly happen 😭#anyway so yeah i ended up having to make a phone call to a mental health center that provides inpatient/outpatient services#got an appointment/assessment tomorrow morning yippee#i'm trying my best to get myself sorted out like i can't keep living like this
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........creachure
#cats#his eyes are always so big and weird he no longer looks like a cat anymore sometimes.. in a way...#it's hard to understand.. complicated vibes on this boy#his summer sprawl (laying flopped out on the floor weird because of the heat)#I AM still trying to get some costumes done and also post another poll advtnure so I can finally finish it lol#the weather this month has just been soooo.... There was the heat wave and then after like 2 days of coolenss where I was like 'ah! finally#I can be productiv!' but just as soon as I had recovered from the heat.. it got hot again ghhhh#currently sweating inside. I actually had to leave my doctors appointment early today because I was just so so warm from#sitting in the car and the fac tthat half the buildings still do not have their air up very high and etc. and I felt so nausous#and flushed and started to get back and stomach pains for some reason.. Which I guess is good in a way to further confirm to doctors that#I Have Something Wrong With Me lol (most normal people should not be this heat sensitive I think) but is also still a little stinky#because I still payed a copay for the fulla appointment time but cit it short by leaving 15minues early.. grrr#ANYWAY. It seems like recently it's just hot all the time but it will ocasionally tempt you with a cool day of reprieve BUT don't let your#guard down! because as soon as you start to think 'hey things are getting better! :0' the sun will be like NO actualy. scalding temperature#be upon ye..#Which of COURSE. I would rather have hot weather with little breaks in between than just constant hot weather. 100% definitely.#but it just always makes me sad because I get my hopes up lol.. JUST as I've recovered from the past heat and am So Ready To Start#On All My Things now That I'm Not As Sick And Hey Maybe It's Even Cool Enough To Do A Costume! .. my hopes are dashed#.. woe and so on and so forth. . Which I am stil managing to get a few things done but just.. not the things I really WANT to do (costumes.#sculptures. edit videos. etc. ).#anyway.. look at son.. If nothing else I still have lots of cat photos.. my sole productivity offerings to the internet online world
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My old HRT prescription finally ran out last week, and I'm still wait-listed by all the clinics in the area, so I was scrambling to find somewhere to get a stop-gap prescription. Planned Parenthoods are usually quick (I was picking up my first prescription within 90 minutes of walking in the door) but none of the ones near me offer in-office trans healthcare, and all the online appointments are booked out the next few weeks. Getting anything shipped from online prescription/pharmacy sites takes too long. I ended up deciding to just find the closest Planned Parenthood with open slots for in-person appointments. It wound up being the El Paso clinic.
The irony of having to go to Texas for transgender healthcare was not lost on me.
#Until now I've been relying on my old prescription from Florida#After they passed the law banning hrt last year the planned parenthood I went to out there told me they couldn't give#me any new prescriptions but they could give me extensions for my old prescription for up to a year#That year finally ended and I still haven't heard back from any of the doctor's offices I contacted out here#Driving four hours for a doctor's appointment seems ridiculous but I got a book on tape from the library and made a road trip out of it#The first nurse that did the questionnaire and blood sample was really nice and took an interest my whole situation and wanted ''the tea''#The prescribing nurse was less nice and openly criticized and condescended about my medical decisions and wouldn't prescribe to a pharmacy#within 200 miles of me but the results of my blood work wound up vindicating my choices and I transferred my prescription to a closer CVS#This was initially just supposed to be a temporary way for me to get my meds while waiting for a nearby doctor to get back to me#but if I don't hear back from anybody local then I'd probably be fine making the trip every few months#until either Texas bans it or I move on to my next destination after ABQ
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hello friends i am still Alive
#so uh#my memory is still gradually going down the shitter#almost lost my job to it last week#but i've finally got my psychiatrist's appointment tomorrow#and a ct scan scheduled for 2 months from now#so things might. develop?#in any case that's my Doctor's Note Excuse as to why i haven't posted/replenished my queue in so long#aka the stupid explanation#i've literally been forgetting to do it All The Time#but HEY i'm super sick rn (not covid at least)#so my mind is free enough to let me remember to finally feed my poor queue#HUZZAH
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i’m trapped at work for two more hours and i’m so checked out send help
#mk.op#and i wasn’t even here all week! lol#anxiety’s finally easing up now too though oops i drank too much last night and am suffering#thankful my doctors appointment got recheculed so i can just go home and rot#had a niko dream last night though and i kinda want to either write or gif something of him
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bad news. ya boy’s got wicked low testosterone. I’m outta boy juice!
#just got my results back this morning. I’m outta the boy sauce.#haven’t talked to my dr yet BUT I did see my therapist who is NOT a doctor but he says yeah I’ve got it worse than any of his past patients#gonna call my dr tomorrow and see about setting up an appointment#dang… my juice#you ever have that fantasy that you see a dr and they finally find a source of a long standing health issue AND they can fix it w/ a pill?#I’m trying not to get my hopes up but my number was rilll rilll low#like… I could be more normal in a week or two#or at least have more energy and drive#that would be amazing#just let me dream a little#lol but uhhh what if I instead ask for estrogen and uhhhh uhhhh 🥴#what if I was pretty? and happy….#hey let’s not unpack that right now#just gonna keep that buried down deep#that’s for 40 year old Ian to work through!#let’s not make a big deal out of any of this#and I love you. and I appreciate you.#you can ignore this#text
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it seems that i'm having a rare moment of relative lucidity, which is to say freedom from intense worry or exhaustion or unbearable affect. which isn't to say i feel like striking some piece of iron while i'm strong enough to hold the hammer. just felt like making a note of the fact, in case i forget this kind of state is even possible. very nice to not be cursing the day i was born
#finally got a grip on myself and Scheduled An Appointment With A Psychiatrist 👍👍👍which i've been putting off for ages#could a mentally ill person do this.#sounds stupid that i'm going to see a doctor when i'm actually feeling ok#but it's because i'm wondering whether it really makes sense to continue with my current medication. look at me being Responsible#and not just stopping it on my own. like i seriously considered to
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and FUCK kindly miquella❗
#finally ............#im not even that happy. like i just feel like i got a doctors appointment over with or something#man whatever
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Tippy: Selfish. He is so freaking selfish. He thinks everything is about him. Every time I take a step he bitches about it. I can't do anything because he's so selfish
Vanilla: Who?
Tippy: My uterus
#tipvans#tw menstruation#tw periods#BUT GUESS WHAT!!! I've got a doctor's appointment coming up and hopefully i can put an end to this madness finally 💪#you know how boys get when they're on their periods... eating chocolate- using heating pads- summoning demons
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Today's the day
#not writing#but soon to be writing#i make no promises of when these will be done but soon hopefully#finally got into the doctor after like almost two months#the appointment lasted five minutes#so that's fun#my dog also committed a war crime
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I'M HOME AND I HAVE MY NEW WEIGHED BLANKET AND I'M GOING TO SLEEP WITH IT TONIGHT AND I'M AO EXCITED TO FIND OUT HOW IT FEELS
#i wanted a weighted blanket for literally years and i finally had enough noney for it#it got here a few days ago but i wasnt home#and now i am#and i have this blanket#happy happy happy#alt text#yay me!#hopefully that'll help my insomnia#i have a doctor's appointment next week about ny insomnia and I'm so glad thia came before the appointment#cause now I'll be able to say if that helps me or not#this post got me to 100 posts yo
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