#EXISTENTIAL ADULT ANXIETY IN THE FORMS OF

[autisticjoys]

Inside Out 2: Thoughts and Speculations (long post)

New Emotions: Why Them and Why Now?

While the trailer has only shown 1 of the 4 new emotions, the comments got me thinking about why these specific 4 were the ones added as Riley hits puberty.

Anxiety

I've seen a lot of comments after the first trailer asking about the difference between Fear and Anxiety and based on definitions from the internet, Fear is essentially a response to a perceived threat that is present at the moment, while Anxiety is a response to "What if?" type scenarios that may or may not happen or even be realistic.

When I gave that answer in the comments, many people told me that Fear functioned as both in the original film, and that brings me to the "Why Now" part. I think Anxiety appearing after puberty is meant to represent how, when we're younger, fears that might seem irrational or unrealistic to others (adults especially), feel real to us (if a kid believes monsters exist, the fear of a monster in their closet is very much rational in their mind). But, as we get older, we start to learn the difference between things we should be afraid of (or at the very least more aware of/careful about) and what are unlikely events that our minds simply obsess over, hence the appearance of Anxiety.

As for the other 3, tho we haven't seen them, based on the nature of the emotions, in my opinion it also makes sense why they specifically only appear after puberty hits.

Embarrassment, in my own definition, is the feeling one experiences when they think they've said or done something that makes them look "uncool" or "weird/odd" (this also applies to things others say/do that makes you or themselves seem "uncool" or "weird/odd"). While this can also happen to younger kids, I feel like it's more so teens that have very rigid definitions of what counts as cool or not, as well as being real jerks to anyone not meeting these rigid definitions (kids can be really mean too, but i think they're more flexible about what they consider cool), and therefore Embarrassment is much more likely to occur strongly in teenagers.

Envy, is also an emotion that, in some form, exists in younger kids, however the biggest difference is, I think, in the focus of the emotion. When we're kids and we see someone have something we don't have, but want, our focus is on the thing (which is almost always material), rather than the person ("I want to have X too!). However, as we get older, our focus shifts to the person who has that thing (which can be material or immaterial) we don't have, but want ("Why do they have X?). Notice how, in the first instance, our reaction is a desire to possess that thing (it's less about someone else having it and about us wanting it), and in the second, it is a questioning of why someone else gets to have that (it's more about why they are the ones who have it, than about us wanting that thing). The latter is what Envy is.

Ennui is a form of dissatisfaction with the way things are, that mixes boredom and tiredness. Children often live in a world that is full of fun, adventures and magic, however the world of school gradually loses these qualities and issues can pile up on top of each other. Riley turns 13 in the film, which is around the time (at least in my country) when kids enter high-school, which is progressively less about fun, even compared to earlier forms of school. This is also the period in many teens' lives where they start questioning why they need to do things and things such as existential crises or depression can come in, both of which can lead to things feeling pointless or meaningless, which coupled with burnout from expectations, can result in Ennui.

New and Old Emotion Pairings

Aside from Joy (who is the only positive emotion in the bunch), I think the 4 other old emotions could each pair well with one of the new ones.

Fear and Anxiety

As mentioned above, the two fulfill similar functions, and at Riley's age it's probably really hard to clearly distinguish between them. So I can easily imagine one of them freaking out, which freaks the other out and so on, so forth.

Disgust and Embarrassment

More so as opposites compared to the previous two. As mentioned in the first film, Disgust's role is keeping Riley from being poisoned (both physically, but more important to this point, socially), which includes keeping her from doing things that are seen as "uncool" (like when she wanted to tell Riley's mom that she shouldn't take her to school). And what exactly did I say Embarrassment is? The feeling we get when we have said or done something "uncool". Basically, I can imagine Embarrassment tailing Disgust, preemptively worrying about the outcome of any situation where Reily might say or do such a thing (especially if socialising or romance are going to be topics in the film, which I'd assume they'd at least partially be).

Anger and Envy

If you think about it, this combo makes a lot of sense too. Anger has been shown as the one who seeks justice and fairness. Envy (as per the definition I gave), includes a feeling of unfairness about someone else having something you want to have too and if you dislike that person or simply think you'd deserve that thing more because of y, it can easily lead to feeling "rightful" Anger (at that person, at your parents, at the world or even yourself). So I can see Envy riling Anger up at different things, both material (like a new phone) or immaterial (like popularity).

Sadness and Ennui

Sadness has been depicted as someone who likes to engage in deep thoughts. Due to the nature of Ennui (as I described above), it would make sense to me if they were deeply philosophical, after all, their existence is partially borne of a questioning of one's existence and purpose. So I can just imagine the two of them engaging in deep conversations, even about hard topics like death or the expectations and hardships of adulthood, maybe even gender, sexuality, discrimination and depression.

I don't want to make plot predictions, but I think the positive to negative emotion ratio will play a part, and tho I don't necessarily think Joy will go back to how she was in the first film, I can definitely see her treating the new emotions (Anxiety in particular) similar to how she treated Sadness, at least initially. I also think that Anxiety, who I think will kind of act like the leader of the new emotions, might get antagonised, perhaps even more so than the rest (just like how Sadness was in the first one). I also think that perhaps Joy will kind of get pushed out by the other emotions, as Riley might go through some of the rougher parts of teen life. I also think that after the initial shock, Sadness in particular would be the first to open up to the new emotions (she's been shown to be empathic in the first one with Bing-Bong).

[sheltershock]

Today I saw the Barbie Movie after seeing multiple advertisements marketing it as “hot pink existentialism,” and I think it’s the best film I’ll ever see this year. If you are a woman, please see this movie. If you are a mother, please see this movie. If you have anxiety or depression, please see this movie. If you are autistic, please see this movie. If you have doubts about life in general, please see this movie. The movie currently has a reputation of being an edgy children’s film, but I assure you, it’s the most adult film I’ve ever watched.

I initially saw this film while going through a bout of anxiety. I was fine that morning when I booked the tickets, but an hour and half before I went I was having doubts about what I was doing in my free time. I was wondering if I should quit something because it is hard, even if it once brought me joy. I sat there, holding myself, as the movie began and in the first ten minutes  I knew it would make me cry. I ended up shedding a few tears throughout, but when they hit the ending, I was bawling. And I had crying fits on the drive back home. I had gone with my eleven year old sister who showed interest in seeing it, and she was confused about my reaction. She just wasn’t experienced enough to understand the underlying themes and messages about the film. 

Beyond the Barbie brand, the hot pink, the nice outfits, and the hilarious “two worlds cross” storyline, Barbie is a film about life. It is similar to Pixar’s Soul, in that sense. There are plenty of laughs, but it hits you with the hard “why are we here” question. Barbie is presented in the beginning to live a perfect life, and I do mean perfect, except when one morning existentialism comes knocking on her plastic skull. She has thoughts of death and panics when she discovers the start of cellulite, fearing her loss of beauty. She is then tasked to go find the little girl who is playing with her in the real world, the one that’s putting these thoughts in her head. But she is told that it’s not entirely the little girl’s fault, Barbie is responsible as well, though she denies it. 

When Barbie goes into the real world one of the impactful scenes is her sitting on a bench, and enjoying life in the real world. The wind rustling the trees, mothers spending time with their children, two men enjoying each other’s companionship, and an old woman sitting next to her, who’s representative of everything she was afraid of in the “Call of Adventure” scene. And Barbie thinks for a moment, turns to the woman and tells her that she’s beautiful. And the old woman responds back with “I know.” This scene is called back in the ending, when the woman returns and, spoiler, she’s Ruth Handler, the creator of Barbie. That’s right. The Barbie movie has a talk-with-god sequence. Though, in the film, Ruth is not presented as a deity, but as a human. Her tax evasion along with her own mortality is brought up to show her flaws, but Ruth is really portrayed more as Barbie’s mother than her deity. Ruth literally points out that she named her human daughter “Barbara.” 

There are two scenes where Ruth talks about her creation, and both acknowledge that Ruth is extremely human. She is Barbie’s creator, yet does not know what form she will inevitably take. Her first scene is at her own kitchen table, where she invites Barbie to sit and drink tea. She says to her “you’re different…you look great.” And the second scene is at the end of the film where Ruth describes that Barbie is an idea, and unlike humans, ideas don’t have “endings.” And Barbie asks her if she can be human, asking her own creator if she’s okay with that. Ruth says that ideas last longer than any individual, and an idea can be anything. But before Barbie becomes human, she asks Barbie to take her hands and show her what it means to be “human,” and the scene where Barbie admires life plays along with other footage, presumably from Ruth’s own life. It’s all good memories. Because that’s what being human is about, enjoying life despite all the bad things surrounding you. 

Barbie largely portrays these “bad things” as the patriarchy, which go on to infect Barbie Land. The patriarchy is shown in direct opposition that Barbie Land stands for, women’s empowerment, women’s freedom, and women’s leadership. Nobel Prize winners go on to become lesser to men, to serve them beer, massage their feet and be objects to ogle at. Even the female President of Barbie Land is diminished under the patriarchy. All of this is presented as brainwashing, as programming. There is current criticism that Barbie is anti-men. But the patriarchy is only part of the driving force of bad things, the other half are intrusive thoughts, anxiety and depression, portrayed most prominently after patriarchy has taken hold in Barbie Land. But even before that happened, when everything was great in Barbie’s life she still thought about death. Before she knew that the real world was primarily controlled by men, she still had thoughts about existentialism.

When Barbie says at the end of the film, “I want to be human,” she, at that point, had experienced anxiety. Barbie describes it as “feelings that aren’t about or towards anything.” And despite that, she still wanted reality. She even described tears as feeling good. When I say this movie is about living, I mean it’s about how we chose to live even though it's hard. Everyday we chose to wake up and continue our lives. Barbie portrays fear and sadness as necessary to feel truly happy, that you need both to have fulfillment, to be alive, to be human. Barbie is about a lot of things, patriarchy, existentialism, feminism, motherhood, living and being human. 

Additional:

I thought about Greta Gerwing’s comment throughout the viewing, “the creation of Barbie is the opposite to the story of Genesis.” Instead of women being created to help men, Barbie was made first, and Ken was made as her boyfriend. Barbie Land is accurately described as “opposite to our world.” The entire senate is made up of women, the workforce is all women, all women live in harmony and friendship, but men are almost secondary citizens to women. Their relationship is described by “Barbie has a great day every day, but Ken only has a great day when Barbie looks at him.” Barbie Land depicts men how Hollywood depicts women, as objects for the fe/male leads. The big climatic scene for the Kens is a war against themselves for the attention of the Barbies, which happens all the time in films and TV… between women. There’s always a scene where two women fight for the man’s affection. Ken’s resolution at the end of the story is to find an identity on his own, one that’s not dependent on his job, or his girlfriend, or any particular thing he does. It’s the traditional “woman moves on to not need no man” but flipped for the men. Any critic who claims that Barbie is anti-men, should also be claiming that a majority of films and TV are anti-women. 

The “patriarchy” in Barbie Land is portrayed as stupid men being in power, ogling women and liking horses because the doll world is inherently a heightened sense of our world, but backwards. Women in TV and film have long been stereotyped into liking shopping and clothes, being obsessed with our looks and waiting for a guy to notice us. So in Gerwing’s screenplay, she gave that stereotype to the men in the film. It’s satirical to show how stupid the gendered stereotyping on the screen is. The aim of the film was to be about women and their issues, so Gerwing brilliantly switches the gendered roles and the agency assigned to them. 

The movie ends the Ken storyline saying that “Kens will one day work their way up in Barbie Land to be at the level of women in our world.” The reason they aren’t placed as equals at the end of the Barbie Movie is because it’s a real world criticism and call to action for the audience. Telling everyone in the theater that If you were invested in the men of this world to be equal in Barbie Land, then you should be equally invested in women being equal in the real world. All of this was Gerwing’s way of trying to explain the stupidity of gendered roles and expectations. 

[blightcalls]

        "  FOR  THE  DARK  LADY.  "    /    selective,  slow  activity,  NATHANOS  BLIGHTCALLER  from  blizzard's  game  World  of  Warcraft.  loved  by  bunnie.  TO  NOTE:  I  am  fairly  canon  divergent,  and  don't  really  enjoy  a  lot  of  shadowlands  direction  &  storytelling.  There  will  also  be  triggering  content  here  including;  death,  horror,  gore,  torture,  cannibalism,  and  plague  /  disease.  MINORS  WILL  BE  BLOCKED  as  well  as  personals  that  like  or  rb  my  things.

EXCLUSIVE SYLVANAS: @theldrai

ABOUT  THE  MUN:  I  am  rhys.  They  /  Them pronouns  please.  I  am  an  artist,  and  i  struggle  with  anxiety  and  other  illnesses.  I  also  work  when  I  can.  So  i  tend  to  be  pretty  slow.I  am  well  over  18  years  old.I  ask  that  any  art  I  make  not  be  reposted,  reused,  or  altered.

NO  MINORS  ALLOWED:  My  blog  is  going  to  have  adult  themes.  Not  just  nsfw,  but  also existential,  horror,  gore,  and  various  forms  of  abuse  mentions  and  trauma.  So  please.  I  ask  that  minors  do  not  follow  me.

THEMES  adult  18+  content,  abuse,  murder,  torture,  death,  existentialism,  body  horror,  cosmic  horror,  classic  horror,  psychological  horror,  mentions  of  suicide  and  death. each  will  100%  be  tagged  accordingly.  if  i  ever  need  to  tag  something  particular,  please  feel  free  to  ask  me  about  it.

SELECTIVITY:  i  am  mutuals  only  in  regards  to  threads,  and  require  plotting  to  write  anything  at  length.  however,  i  do  accept  asks  from  anyone  and  everyone  that  wishes  to  send  them  in. This  is  for  my  own  comfort.  Do  not  get  impatient  with  me  or  push  me.

[bloodthrrsty]

          LEAGUE HUNTER,  CECIL  KROWLE.  a  soulsborne  original  character,  covering  themes  of  gore,  horror  of  varying  kinds  and  degrees,  nightmares,  trauma,  and  self  loathing.  PLEASE  READ  MY  RULES  BEFORE  YOU  INTERACT  WITH  THE  MUSE.  some  content  here  will  be  triggering.  it  goes  without  saying  minors  that  follow  me  will  be  blocked  on  sight.      muse  and  any  personal  art  here  are  made  by  bun  or  RHYS.

CAARD( WIP )

ABOUT  THE  MUN:  I  am  Rhys.  They  /  Them pronouns  please.  I  am  an  artist,  and  i  struggle  with  anxiety  and  other  illnesses.  I  also  work  when  I  can.  So  i  tend  to  be  pretty  slow.I  am  well  over  18  years  old.I  ask  that  any  art  I  make  not  be  reposted,  reused,  or  altered.

NO  MINORS  ALLOWED:  My  blog  is  going  to  have  adult  themes.  Not  just  nsfw,  but  also  in  the  existential,  horror,  gore,  and  various  forms  of  abuse  mentions  and  trauma.  So  please.  I  ask  that  minors  do  not  follow  me.

THEMES  adult  18+  content,  abuse,  murder,  torture,  death,  existentialism,  body  horror,  cosmic  horror,  classic  horror,  psychological  horror,  mentions  of  suicide  and  death,  snakes. each  will  100%  be  tagged  accordingly.  if  i  ever  need  to  tag  something  particular,  please  feel  free  to  ask  me  about  it.

SELECTIVITY:  i  am  mutuals  only  in  regards  to  threads,  and  require  plotting  to  write  anything  at  length.  however,  i  do  accept  asks  from  anyone  and  everyone  that  wishes  to  send  them  in. This  is  for  my  own  comfort.  Do  not  get  impatient  with  me  or  push  me.

[izzy-b-hands]

Tagged by @sherlockig , thank u!!! 🫂💙

15 Questions

1. Are you named after anyone?

Kinda? My new second first name that I gave myself I got from a fave character, and my new middle name I share with my aunt and maternal grandfather.

2. When was the last time you cried?

I just cried an hour or so ago actually lmaoooo.

3. Do you have kids?

Nope.

4. Do you use sarcasm?

Probably too often, actually.

5. What's the first thing you notice about people?

I don't. I'm usually busy focusing on my social scripts and doing my best to seem as Not Weird as possible to whoever I'm meeting. Otherwise the 'tism and the anxiety take over and then I just end up leaving wherever it is early.

6. What's your eye color?

This greyish blueish mix, but officially blue on my ID bc the lady at the DMV said "they're almost blue enough." Why she felt the need to say that when I had already written 'blue' on the ID form to take her desk, idk.

7. Scary movies or happy endings?

Scary movies for fun, making out, and lazy fucking; happy endings whenever bc I'm a sad lil fucker and I like seeing my blorbos happy.

8. Any special talents?

Idk what counts here tbh. I know how to darn socks, if that's anything.

9. Where were you born?

Oceanside, CA near Camp Pendleton (my dad is a crayon eater lmaooo.)

10. What are your hobbies?

Reading, writing, some video games, TV and movie watching, and the occasional existential crisis.

11. Do you have any pets?

Yes!!! My best girl, my cat, Nisha.

12. What sports do you play/have played?

As a kid: volleyball, badminton, tennis, softball (never on any teams or leagues tho, except for elementary school volleyball until I got bullied off of the team. But I did play them as best I could in my grandparent's backyard a lot.)

As an adult I'd love to try rugby, but we don't have any sort of club or team locally.

13. How tall are you?

Somewhere between 5'3/5'4, taller in my platforms thank fuck.

14. Favourite subject in school?

English, Lit Mag, any and all my history courses, and Criminal Law until I argued with my teacher over the many issues in prisons not being addressed by like...anyone. Then she and I kinda made each other's lives miserable, ngl.

15. Dream job?

I honestly don't know at this point. I thought I knew, but I don't think I was right.

Tagging: Any followers who would like to!

[jaitropdonglets]

When People Ask Me to “Prove” I’m Autistic, What Do I Say?

Autism advice from a neurodiverse psychologist

6min read

Welcome to Autistic Advice #2, a semi-regular column where I respond to questions about neurodiversity, Autism acceptance, and disability rights from Autistic people and their allies. You can anonymously send me questions via my Curious Cat askbox.

Before we dive in, a bit about me: I am a 32-year-old Autistic psychologist who didn’t realize they were on the spectrum until their mid-20’s. My whole family is full of people with Autism-spectrum traits, and I have been active in the Autism self-advocacy community for about six years. On Medium, I’ve written extensively about my experiences, and the experiences of other adult Autistics whom I’ve interviewed for various projects. Though I am a research psychologist, I am not a therapist, and this column should not be treated as therapy.

My letter today is from someone whose Autistic identity is often doubted by other people. In particular, they are concerned that friends and family won’t believe they are Autistic because they heavily engage in masking, the act of hiding and inhibiting obvious Autistic traits. They write:

I’ve seen you post about masking and am curious- do you correct people when they assume you are neurotypical? Do you ever feel like you have to prove you are Autistic? Even though I spend most of my energy trying to appear neurotypical, I still feel like telling people I’m Autistic will result in my being asked to “prove it.” I worry that my inability to do that (since it’s impossible and all) will invalidate me, while simultaneously forcing me to break my very nice masking shell. I am hitting a point where I feel like I have to tell people I’m Autistic, in order for my opinion on some topics to be respected. But I also feel like it is not their business. I’m pretty stuck here. Anonymous

You are hitting on such a common double-bind associated with masking of Autistic traits, Anon. The people who are pressured to “mask” their Autistic traits are most commonly the people who don’t get a diagnosis early in life. Because they don’t have a diagnostic explanation for why they are “weird,” or for why they struggle, they are browbeaten into hiding as much of their difference as they can.

Masking can take the form of always striving to appear cheerful and agreeable (lest the Autistic person be branded antisocial and ‘awkward’), or it can take the form of becoming very deeply inhibited or withdrawn (because it’s harder to commit an egregious social faux pas if you just never say or do anything). Masking helps Autistic people disappear into the social wallpaper, which is very convenient for the people around us; it’s also an endless source of psychological torment for us.

Research has demonstrated that Autistic people who “mask” heavily suffer in all kinds of invisible yet pervasive ways. Maskers experience intense social anxiety and depression. We feel incredibly drained because masking is such an intense performance. It can even hurt on an existential level, divorcing an Autistic person from any meaningful sense of self. A lot of heavy maskers are compulsive people-pleasers or are profoundly detached from other people (or both). This is layered on top of whatever other pain associated with Autism the masker is experiencing — sensory issues, gut problems, coordination and muscle tone disabilities, etc.

The great tragedy of masking is that prejudiced neurotypical people force us to hide our Autism, then turn around and doubt our Autism exists because we have become so adept at hiding it in order to survive. Like you, Anon, I have been the victim of this. A former friend once wrote a scathing call-out post of me here on Medium, accusing me of being the “Rachel Dolezal of Autism.” His “proof” that I wasn’t Autistic? I was too charming. And I had friends. And a job.

Disabled people are haunted by the myth of the opportunistic faker. People with accessible parking tags are harassed in parking lots and stores by abled folks who are convinced their physical disabilities are fake. Teachers, professors, and classmates interrogate the needs of students with IEPs and other classroom accommodations, hoping to catch a phony disabled student in a lie. Our entire social welfare system is structured around the belief in the “fake disabled person”; people with qualifying conditions must submit themselves to endless investigations, doctor’s visits, court hearings, and other tests to prove they really are disabled, and really deserve the meager benefits they get.

Abled people resent having to provide benefits and accessibility tools to disabled individuals, so they try to sniff out liars and cheats relentlessly, even when there is no evidence that fakers are a real social problem. This extends to mental illness and cognitive disabilities such as Autism. People often resist the idea of becoming more tolerant towards Autistics (and neurodiverse people in general), thinking that it’s no a suitable “excuse” for thinking differently. Instead of seeing increased social latitude and tolerance as a net positive for anyone, they see it as an unfair benefit Autistics get that others don’t have.

So, Anon, you asked how I personally deal with these kinds of questions and doubts. Personally, I do not engage with them. Just as I refuse to prove my transness to anyone, I categorically refuse to prove my Autism. I don’t apologize or over-explain my neurotype; I state it simply, as a fact. I believe that is the correct approach, including for self-realized Autistics.

You know who you are, Anon, and you can just tell people that truth and leave it at that. “I’m Autistic,” is a complete sentence. If someone asks you when you got diagnosed, or how you know, you can respond with a breezy, “Oh, I don’t like discussing personal medical information with random people,” or you can tell them, “I’ve known for a very long time.”

In most casual social situations, this should be enough to shut the conversation down. The only situations where you truly need to provide proof are if you are seeking disability benefits or legal protections. If it’s a family member or a close friend who is demanding more information, I recommend asking them to think about why they are so desperate for proof. “Why is it so hard for you to believe I’m Autistic?” or “It sounds like you have a lot of misconceptions about what Autism looks like,” might work as responses, followed by sending the person some reading material.

Personally, I have noticed that when you state the truth in a confident, matter-of-fact way, without inviting extra questions, people are less likely to be invasive. Other than the friend who called me the Rachel Dolezal of Autism, basically no one has ever doubted me. I believe that is because I walk around like I don’t owe anyone proof. My Autism is just a fact that people have to deal with. If they can’t handle it, that is there problem.

You don’t owe anyone proof, Anon, and you also don’t owe anyone detailed information about the exact nature of your disability or neurodiversity. If someone asks for your Autism bonafides when you’re in the middle of a discussion or disagreement, you can explain to them that the position “you have to be out as Autistic in order to have an opinion” is actually incredibly dangerous. Forcing people to out themselves about their mental health or disability is incredibly invasive and puts people at risk.

Lots of people are on the neurodiverse spectrum and get to weigh in on matters relevant to our lives — don’t buy into the gatekeeping game if you can help it. If you are in Autistic or disability justice-focused spaces where people are demanding “proof” of a disability before a person is allowed to share their thoughts, work to resist that norm. If you have the time and energy, you can also send people links about the trope of the “fake disabled person,” like the ones I listed above.

By rejecting and refusing to play the gatekeeping game, you help establish a norm that it is not acceptable. People will get mad or be shitty in the face of this resistance sometimes. Ignore and block and dismiss people who aren’t worth the argument. You can’t control how others react, but you can stand firm by your values and be outspoken about them.

You’re neurodiverse. You belong at the table. You matter. You’re good as you are. You are not in charge of how other people feel or respond to that. You can let go of being responsible for that entirely. I’m sorry people are being assholes. And I’m sorry that a lifetime of having to mask your Autism has left you caught in this trap. This trap was created by neurotypical people and their refusal to see us as we truly are. The only way to escape that trap is for us to be as unapologetically visible as we can be.

[koreihanna]

Losing Your Youth Amidst The Grand Scheme of Things

by Reihann N. Edres

Or does it not? I contemplated this title fifty times over before finally arriving at a conclusion and it still led me to an existential crisis. For some reason, the grand scheme of things is a loop of endless questions back and forth. Today, my quill trembles with the weight of my decision to divulge my perspective on this unending cycle: Losing Your Youth Amidst The Grand Scheme of Things.

A year ago, I joked to myself that I would lose my precious Spotify discount once I graduate because no Enrollment Billing Form could attest to my student status. And now, here we are, with reality serving me a piping hot dish of laughter! My discount has slipped away, just like my dreams of being a responsible adult.

The weight of that joke did not truly sink in until I found myself on the other side of the employment fence. Fate has dealt me a surprising hand. Not only have I earned my hard-fought degree, but I am also now a licensed nurse, serving at one of MSU-System's campuses, where I once walked the halls as a student. The pace at which these changes occurred left me breathless, struggling to keep up with the whirlwind of activity. Looking back to a year ago, I remember the palpable anxiety that gripped me, driving me to tears as I prayed that Allah (SWT) wouldn't let me end up married to a stranger or fail my board exams. The memories of those nerve-wracking moments still haunt me to this day.

I thought that was already the peak of my adulthood- a constant barrage of trials and tribulations. Like a bulldozer plowing through a mound of dirt, I was fueled by the fiery determination to redeem myself. The thought of finally ridding away those pesky acne marks, paying off debts, and splurging on all the things I couldn't afford as a poor student, propelled me towards the person I am now. Truthfully, I felt like a powerhouse, a veritable force to be reckoned with in my unwavering quest for redemption. But in hindsight, my goals seemed insignificant, almost trivial in the grand scheme of things.

Despite my newfound fulfillment, there are still some things that have remained constant like my student instincts kicking in, prompting me to brainstorm ways to snag a Spotify discount. Let us be honest, we all love good bargains. It's like a rite of passage, a testament to the resourcefulness that got me this far. So, even though my life has taken a different turn, my nature remains unchanged which most people question as if telling me to relinquish my youthful nature of sunshines and butterflies. As I contemplate this conundrum, I cannot help but wonder if perhaps this is why people age and grow wrinkled, as the weight of the world forces them to become old before their time.

The unyielding demands of life can be overwhelming, leaving one feeling drained and depleted, unable to resist the ravages of time. And should the world demand that I abandon my youthful nature, it would mean relinquishing the very things that helped me get to where I am today. It would entail giving up the simple pleasures, like worrying over a Spotify discount, or the bittersweet pain of letting go of old friends and memories, or just the mere thought of coming back home.

During high school, I had to relocate to the countryside abruptly—don’t get me wrong as it turned out to be one of my fondest memories. Throughout college, I had to live independently with family support coming only financially. My responsibilities although not apparent never afforded me the luxury of experiencing the simple pleasures of life such as observing the trees sway or the warmth of the sun on my skin. Now, at 22 years old, I find myself in a rare moment of reflection, pondering over the questions that have long eluded me: Is it still worth fretting over a mere Spotify discount? Are my worries truly trivial? Or can I really move forward when the world around me grows ever more complex and grandiose, while my nature remains unchanged?

[threehornz]

One of the hardest things for me to deal with lately has been this overwhelming sense of alienation from the average person. Like really, I don't even feel like I'm the same species as they are. Mix of autism, ADHD, various other mental health issues layered on top of an ongoing existential crisis and just like, an overall lack of opportunities in my formative years. Lots of the things that the average 30 year old "just knows", I don't. No frame of reference. Whatever experience (particularly social and romantic/intimate experiences) that taught you that thing you know, I didn't have it. I got to be this big age having no fucking idea about many of these core components of the human experience. Because I don't know any of that stuff, it's way way harder to do as an adult. It gets harder as I get older. I feel fucking awful when I see people my age (or younger) just kind of living life, doing all the things I wasn't ever able to do due to either anxiety issues or logistical challenges. That gets harder to watch every year. People going out and traveling, buying new cars, moving house, getting married and shit. And I'm just kinda here, doing nothing. Being nothing. Have always been nothing. You can call it FOMO or whatever but actually doing the thing doesn't bother me as much as having the ability to do the thing. Having the means, the energy, the knowledge, the fucking time. This disparity in lived experience leaves me feeling so much less human than those around me and I really don't know what to do about it other than isolate myself further, but of course I can't keep doing that. That's something that I'd had problems with for a while. I'd thought I'd been making strides with those things, getting it under control but then COVID-19 happened. Lose my job. Lose my insurance. No more therapy, no more meds, no more money. Walked back all the progress I'd made. The problems came back but worse. I have to do all this shit again. I will never get over this "I am not a person" feeling.

[cat-arsenal]

Playing through Pokemon SWSH again while full of Existential Adult Anxiety having forgotten that one of the themes(?) of Pokemon SWSH is Existential Adult Anxiety

[gggoldfinch]

Nearly Fine

Book!Feyd-Rautha x GN!Reader

A/N as of Feb 2022: Hi hello, this is the first fic I'm publishing on this newish blog which,, Wow,, momentous occasion, woo-hoo. Anyway, I’d just like to pop in and say that this fic is based off BOOK Feyd. The casting of Dune pt2 hasn't even been released yet lmao, but I wrote this with the ever-popular/ flawless fancast of Barry Keoghan in mind. Do with that what you will. Additionally, this is set towards the end of the book, when he’s 19-20,, so An Adult™ (minors gtfo). There’s barely any x reader content for dune characters other than Paul and Leto, and ZERO for Feyd which is,,, upsetting to say the least. Anyway enjoy lol.

Warnings: MILD DUNE BOOK SPOILERS, references to sex, references to violence/ blood, mild existentialism, angst, fluff, pet names, no usage of Y/N or pronouns (but there are references to Bene Gesserit teachings/ reader being called a concubine, which are both traditionally female-oriented. It’s the super-future and Feyd himself is already gnc so who cares about gender roles anyway lmao)

Word Count: 1,374

{AO3 Link}

Summary: You’re Feyd-Rautha Harkonnen’s secret lover, but with unrest in the Imperium and him aiming to take Arrakis and the Golden Lion Throne, fear of the future keeps you awake at night. In a moment of intimacy, he is there to reassure you that everything will be alright...

———————————————————————

You can't quite make out the bedroom in the dark. The outline of the mirror looms here, a small sliver of outside light beams across there. You haven't been able to fall asleep for quite some time now, your mind working overtime as you jump from one thought to another, overthinking and only further knotting up the ball of worry pitted in your chest. So many things have happened in the past few standard years... death in the ranks, usurping of power, schemes, revenge. It's all rather overwhelming, and you find yourself nearly dead-center in the mess of it all. Sweat beads on your forehead and upper lip, the sheer stress of thinking about it forming knots in your muscles tight enough that no Bene Gesserit meditation could ever unwind them. The warm, bare body nuzzled up closely beside you provides little comfort as your spiral further into self-destructive anxiety.

The arm around your waist twitches, and the soft snoring gently tapers off. Feyd-Rautha stirs from his slumber, observing your waking breath sounds for a few moments before speaking.

"You're awake..." his low voice is hoarse with sleep by your ear.

You hum quietly, tired eyes still fixed onto the darkened ceiling. He noses your neck, inhaling the scent of your hair. He can feel your tense rigidity, you’re sure of it.

Sighing, he rouses, raising up on his elbow to lean over you. The silky ends of his long curling locks brush your skin, his warm breath fans your face. His auburn hair looks nearly black in the unlit room, his face an equally dark shroud. You can imagine where all his features fit like second nature; the small scars on his right cheek and above his left brow, observant hooded eyes gazing down at you, full lips fixed in a crooked pout, the light freckles dappled over his proud nose.

"Are you alright?" he asks— that warm concern in his voice something you only ever hear addressed to yourself. His warm hand on your bare waist rises from beneath the thin bedsheet to caress your jaw, guiding your shadowed face towards his.

"I'm fine... just thinking," you reply, accepting his lips as they briefly press against yours.

"What's on your mind, pet?"

You allow a long moment to pass, mulling over the worry at the forefront of your mind. I must not fear, you remind yourself weakly. Well, no turning back now. You open your mouth and let the words spill forth in an anxious declaration.

"You care for me, don't you? I'm more than just a body for you to lie with?"

Your blunt question catches him off guard. His breath against your lips stills for a moment and the only movement between you is the gently wavering curtain of his hair trailed along your chest. He inhales deeply, as though steadying himself, and slips his fingers behind your neck and into the hair at your nape.

"Of course I care for you. You know I love you," he answers quietly, sounding slightly strained. He had never been overly comfortable sharing his softer feelings, even in moments of intimacy and safety, and you suddenly feel guilty for dredging up his emotional insecurity. The question has been eating away at you, though.

"I know..."

"There's something else on your mind," he infers, shifting to sit upright, guiding your upper body onto his lap. He strokes your skin, threads his fingers through your hair. His hands, worn from years of being raised as a ruthless warrior, stained by the blood of hundreds, are nothing if not tender upon you.

"You and your uncle have your eyes set on the Imperial throne— you would have to marry Irulan, or one her sisters." He hums in the moment you pause; a confirmation. "What would then become of me?"

A long pause follows your question, and you have half the mind to stir out of his grasp. 

"I would take you with me," he finally says, as though it were the most obvious conclusion in the universe. "Make you my Imperial concubine." 

You note a gentle tone of pride in his voice. Whether it’s pride over you, or over the thought of being the Emperor, you’re unsure. Perhaps both.

"You would?" Your head tilts back in his lap, peering up at his shadowed face. You can just barely make out the outlines of his cheekbone, his prominent nose. His palms find their places on either side of your face and he leans down, resting his forehead on yours, thumbs tracing circles on your cheeks.

"Politics are cruel and tricky, but I certainly wouldn't care for her as I care for you. She’s stuck up... wouldn’t care for me either. I would wed you if I could." He sighs, leaning back to replace his forehead with his lips.

Another peaceful moment passes held in his lap, just the sounds of breathing to fill the silence. He would wed you? This is the first he’s spoken of such a thing. It sends a pang straight to your heart— of yearning, of melancholy. Such is the life of a secret lover, condemned to reside in his shadow and never truly be on show. Perhaps once the mess on Arrakis is dealt with the pair of you could be more public with your affections...

Arrakis... 

"I'm afraid to travel to Arrakis." Your voice wavers, and you suppress the startling urge to cry at the thought of traveling to such a hellish place to do such a hellish thing. The Emperor and his entourage are already preparing to travel, so you’ve heard, to face off against the Fremen and young Atreides Duke.

"You don't have to come along with me, you know. It'll be quick. An in-and-out procedure, really. That Atreides boy seems as though he could blow away in a strong wind. He's probably only grown weaker since being lost to the desert." Feyd laughs, that cocky attitude of his seeping back into his voice. "Taking back the planet will be simple, my dear."

You're not very interested in the workings of inter-House conflicts, nor the politics of Arrakis and its inherent danger, but with so much upset within the Imperium recently, it's hard to turn a blind eye. You know the danger Feyd faces going to Arrakis to challenge the Duke, but you're also distinctly aware of the horrible nature of which the House you fall under prides itself on; you don't fool yourself that Feyd-Rautha, nephew to the Baron and heir-apparent—the same man who now lovingly pets your hair in the darkness of his bedchamber—can be just as cunning and ruthless as any of the worst Harkonnens.

"I'm more afraid of being here, alone, Feyd." You swallow, eyes squeezing shut. "This place is a living hell even when you’re with me."

He chuckles bitterly. Giedi Prime is a hell, not even he could argue against that. The very air is thick with pollution and the people are often even worse than the ruined environment. He can understand why you hate it here... it’s all he’s ever known, though.

You, his precious flower, secret lover, are an off-worlder— a healthy and beautiful transplant from Caladan, not some urchin dredged from the underworlds of Giedi Prime or Tleilax. You’ve seen the expansive waters of Caladan, the majesty of Guild Ships, yet still… you managed to end up on the second-worst planet in the Known Universe. And now you would be joining him on the first-worst, Dune itself.

"No harm will befall you while I'm around, love," he replies through a smirk, twisting you around to hold you against him.

Your chests rise and fall together, warm skin pressed against warm skin. His hands smooth over your back, fingers splayed and palms flat. You cling to him, arms clutched around his neck and shoulders, face buried in his wild hair. He lowers the pair of you back down against the bed.

"Go to sleep, now. We'll discuss this further in the waking hours," he says softly, conforming around you comfortably, petting your hair again.

It's the little moments like this, falling asleep in the arms of the one you love most, that make you nearly forget the hardships in life. Nearly. 

[arkadiaasks]

What do you think of Madoka Magica being considered a Magical Girl deconstruction?

I think deconstruction is probably a misused word. Just because you're examining a work more seriously or using more mature themes doesn't necessarily mean you're trying 'deconstruct it'.

Madoka is arguably for the most part a standard Magical Girl story, just *darker*. Darker doesn't necessarily mean you're deconstructing.

Firstly, Urobuchi and co. in terms of production more or less made it clear they were drawing from Germanic Opera (i.e. Faust) and Milton's Paradise Lost, IIRC, and applying it, which while darker are ultimately not too absurd from the stance of Magical Girls, questioning the nature of purpose and salvation.

And the original series WAS a pretty optimistic conclusion, just on a cosmological scale, and was a cathartic work for Urobuchi, as IIRC, he wrote Madoka in part to try and get himself away from strictly depressing endings, as Madoka's becoming divine messiah and resolving his own anxieties I believe on entropy and existential despair were driving forces for writing Madoka.

The story does end with the heroine saving the day, saving all her friends and sisters-in-arms, and resolving the Incubators' problem of Entropy from another angle they hadn't considered.

"What about Rebellion"

I'd always viewed Rebellion as the Third Act in a Four Act Story, which is what it's looking like if "Walpurgisnacht: Rising" is the Fourth Act.

Homura's actions are natural conclusions of her personality... which are nothing new in the genre. Her fallen angel goddess form is functionally her becoming Black Lady from Sailor Moon or Black Lady's numerous expies. At the end of the third act in a four act story, it's not unusual for a real villain or a seemingly loyal ally to stand up and turn sides, to heighten the stakes.

Now is it a LOT darker than many Magical Girls stories? Yes. But that's because it's a Magical Girl story for adults. But its overall story structure is not actually rebelling against the exact framework, just going to Logical Extremes, and following necessary logical extremes isn't necessarily deconstructing.

That'd be like saying Neon Genesis Evangelion is a deconstruction, which it wasn't necessarily, it was Anno trying to process a lot of his exhaustion and depression through creative work based on his love of Ultraman, Godzilla, Gundam, etc.

And its more somber last third was mostly them trying to make that series more artsy to cover for its dwindling budget and sponsorships.

Now, have both series have significant effects on the Magical Girl and Super Robot genres? Yes. But they weren't necessarily trying to deconstruct the genres or end traditional takes on those works.

A former friend of mine put this best, that Madoka's effects on magical girls as a genre in the broader sense were arguably a long time coming, as Magical Girls have two issues in Japan:

It creates an unrealistic power fantasy for girls, which Idols supplanting it is *more* plausible in the social strata in Japan.

Magical Girls as a genre has a lot of issues with romanticized toxic relationships or problematic age gaps (Utena, Sailor Moon, Cardcaptors, etc.)

That were going to come to around to need to be addressed, Madoka was just the one to breakdown the cracking dam.

[marshmallowdonutsprinkles]

She saved her? Wha-

Reason 174883929829 of why Galar's battling culture needs to protect their league trainers more. Mentally. We know how burdensome being a Champion in Galar is and can be (Ex: Mustard, Peony, and Leon who are all happier without their titles having retired from the position) but the Gym Leaders definitely have it rough.

There was an event in Pokemon Masters where Bea says:

Sure, there are people who can work under pressure without issue. It's a question some interviewers ask during the hiring process or the one good trait you advertise to them. But how much pressure is too much? Where is the line drawn (in Galar)? In Twilight Wings, both Bea and Nessa (who funnily enough were both featured in that Pokemas event) had existential crises because they lost an official match (Leon and Milo respectively) and handled it different ways (Bea unhealthily trained until she injured herself, Nessa faced the fear of potentially losing one or both of her careers and turned to Sonia)

Sonia would know more than anything what it's like to feel as if you're not meeting others expectations of you, so it makes sense she emphasizes with Nessa. Her grandma was a nationally accredited professor and her childhood friend was the champion. Her self esteem was low enough for her to drop out of the gym challenge,and even 10+ years later she downplays her job as a professor's assistant, like it's not a big deal compared to prominent adults her age (who were models/farmers/singers/gym leaders/elite leaders and champion) , but I digress

Just how bad is the minor league that people don't want to end up there? Do you lose all your funding and sponsors/not get noticed by sponsors because you don't participate in the annual gym challenge and therefore nobody wants to visit your gym? Does Galar equate minor league with weakness and Leaders don't want to be perceived as "weak" or "inferior"? How exactly has Sonia "saved" Nessa? Obv, not literally, but with what happened with Naomi Osaka and the French Open, where she was criticized by officials and "fans" alike for not wanting to talk to the press due to her mental health, I think in SwSh's case that the constant competitive nature of the major and minor divisions also puts a strain on the gym leaders' mental health-whether they realize it or not-while not providing any options for assistance of any form from the league and therefore leaving gym leaders with no outlet to relieve stress, really. Because they don't care. It wouldn't be the first time the League prioritized results over well-being (see: Mustard and the Chairman who wanted to rig his matches to break his lose streak)

I get it's Pokemon, so they might not go there, and we'll never find out, but what if, due to the perpetual fear in the back of her head that "if I lose, I could lose everything" mindset causes low self esteem, anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation? The thought of going from everything to nothing in the span of one(1) battle can scare anyone. Like what about the gym leaders who may not have someone to talk to

Gen 8 sequels is just going to be the characters going Oi what we went through was pretty fucked up innit mate

[whumpster-fire]

Something I haven’t really seen talked about in the His Dark Materials fandom (for all the like 2-1/2 weeks I’ve been here) but I think would definitely be a thing is Pre-Settling Anxiety.

Like, that story that sailor tells Lyra about the guy whose daemon settled as a dolphin and was never able to go ashore at all, and how he just more or less goes “Well if your daemon settles in a form you don’t like that sucks, but that’s life deal with it?” Lyra and Pan didn’t pay it that much mind because (a) they’re pretty darn resilient kids, and (b) they had a lot more immediate things occupying their minds.

But seriously... imagining pre-teen me, growing up in a world with daemons, Jesus Christ hearing shit like that would have traumatized me, and any living manifestation of my fucking soul would have been traumatized by that too, and I doubt I’d have been anywhere near the only one.

Because... I mean I’m still like this now but I’ve gotten better about it as an adult: when I was a kid I was not someone who just accepted that things were the way they were, I was someone who hyperfixated and worried. And not just about big stuff like climate change and politics and smaller but still out of my control shit like health issues and bad things happening to my family. I was scared of growing up, and not just in the sense of not wanting to have adult responsibilities and all that.

I remember, not so much when I was actually going through puberty (by then I was just depressed), but I remember in the years before, when I was being told that I would be changing soon, and of course not in a way that acknowledged that asexuality wasn’t just something you grew out of, and being exposed to the American media landscape of, like, old “teen” movies and other that portrayed puberty and adult sexuality in a really twisted, hypersexualized way that I don’t think was even accurate for the vast majority of allosexual people, I was afraid and repulsed. And not even in a Mrs. Coulter way: I was afraid on a deep, existential level that growing up would destroy the person who I was and I would become someone I didn’t like, someone I wasn’t comfortable with.

And growing up with a daemon would have made that so much worse, because then it wouldn’t have just been a fear of losing my identity and being unhappy with who I was, it would have been a fear of being unhappy with the one being I wasn’t unhappy with half the time, the one being who actually truly understood me and that I could always trust, and it’s not that humans and their daemons can’t argue or fight or be angry at each other - and God knows we probably would - but I think we’d have been the pair who had screaming matches and threaten each other’s lives knowing damn well what that meant, but could never stay angry at each other because the idea of losing that bond, of having it damaged, would be too terrifying.

So the idea of my daemon settling as a form that damaged that bond, that pushed us apart or limited us, would be such a huge source of anxiety. And that fear of becoming something I didn’t like, of not knowing and not being able to choose and not being able to control my self, is such a deep-seated part of me that I don’t believe for a second that my daemon wouldn’t be the same way.

We wouldn’t be like Jerry the sailor and Belisaria, who loved being a porpoise while her human worried about her settling that way, or like Lyra and Pantalaimon who kind of brushed it off and didn’t think about it. A being that was my soul given form would have to be just as much of a bag of nerves and insecurities as I was, and might never take a form like that again after hearing the dolphin story because we have the kind of personality that couldn’t not think about all the implications of being settled in a form, and what that meant losing. We’d be the sort to read an article or see a documentary about a daemon settling as a form that completely limited their lives, and the fear of changing and not being able to change back, of getting stuck like that, would always be at the back of both our minds. Because it doesn’t seem like daemons truly understand it either, and that would be scary.

And as we got older it would just get worse, because we’d be close and it could happen at any moment so taking a form she wouldn’t be okay with spending the rest of her life as, and that I wouldn’t be okay with her spending the rest of her life as, would be so risky. We’d be up until 2 AM making charts on spiral notebook paper and reading about animals on Wikipedia to try and feel some kind of control over it, and she’d just keep taking fewer and fewer forms.

Nothing aquatic because water is fun but being bound to it is obviously bad. No invertebrates because they’re so cool and different but they can’t feel things in quite the same way. No cold-blooded animals because what if she could never change into something with fur or feathers on a cold day again? Nothing too small that would have to be carried all the time in public, but definitely nothing too big to be carried at all because the fear of someone touching her by accident, kicking her or stepping on her or running into her in a crowd or being trapped and forced away from each other by a wall of oblivious human flesh. How could a wolf or a mountain lion daemon ever feel safe in a city? But nothing too small to defend itself from large daemons because other people are dangerous and anyone could be a threat. But no large birds that need to perch and their humans have to wear arm bracers or shoulder pads so they don’t hurt them and can’t just sit on their laps, and then no birds at all because being able to fly makes having to stay close together feel limiting since the tops of buildings are still out of reach and what’s the point of flying if you can’t go high?

And because of that fear of settling in the wrong form, the number of forms that were okay, that were safe to take, would just keep getting smaller and smaller, until one day we’d notice that she hadn’t changed for weeks, and we’d just be like...

Oh.

It’s already happened.

And then it’d probably be such a fucking relief just knowing it was okay and it couldn’t go wrong anymore. Occasional nightmares about just turning into an animal neither of us even liked completely against her will that wouldn’t stop until like halfway through college aside.

So yeah, I hope this is relatable to somebody out here in this community because seriously I think the uncertainty around settling would be a major source of anxiety for a lot of kids and a lot of daemons.

[the-healing-mindset]

“How Am I Meant to Be?”: A Question from My Inner Child

Growing up, I heard many times that I “couldn’t be like other kids,” or that I “couldn’t do the things other kids did.” These words came from my close family after I did something that they most likely didn’t agree with, or acted in a way that likely would have made it appear as if I had poor home training, thus meaning they weren’t good people. In a sense, from an early age, my freedom just “To Be” as I was, was stripped away. 

Because of this, I really lost my ability to have fun or enjoy my life without the fear of being judged or criticized harshly if I did something - anything - outside of what may have been socially acceptable. I can remember looking to other kids with envy, admiring their freedom as they excitedly ran around, played, and formed friend groups. I felt excluded. I kept myself in a mental prison. As the years went on, I continued to develop this extremely strong self-awareness through a harshly critical voice in my head. “How do I fit in here?” “What will happen if I become too much like the others?” “Can I ‘like’ myself if I am as they are?” “Will my family still accept me?” Deeply existential questions that eventually turned to self-loathing. “I can’t do any of this.” “I won’t be able to keep up with them.” “Someone will find out that I’m trying to fit in.” Pure fear of just Being as I was in the world. My opportunity early on to discover myself was gone.

Without me knowing it, I began denying myself even the most basic connections. When someone tried to communicate and connect with me, I distanced myself. I became so strongly identified in my own interests to the point that if I couldn’t find anyone who was willing to be interested in what I was interested in, I stayed alone. I intentionally isolated myself from others my age, only staying close to and following the occasional adult who would allow me to stick around. I was in search of something. But what? More often than not, they would say “Go play with the others!” “Have a good time!” But then dread set in. I didn’t know how to have a good time with anybody else. So, I went off alone, often sad until it was time to do something else. By the time I came around to getting over the dread and wanting to connect, there was no chance.

Perhaps what I was looking for in those moments sticking by those adults was a sense of direction. A sense of stability in my Being through the Being of another person. Subconsciously, I must have been telling myself, “This person seems to have it all figured out.” “No one ever criticizes them and they don’t seem to be afraid of the way that they show up in the world.” But none of this could work, right? Things were just too different. At my age, I really wasn’t supposed to worry about those things. To escape from all of this, I found myself playing various roles to fill the internal void of not being able to be free as I was. I learned new skills. I studied all the time. I picked up numerous interests to talk about when asked. All of it to appear interesting in the eyes of others so that I could be accepted and thus accept myself. For a while, it all worked as an amazing front. I had it all figured out. So I thought.

Fast-forward fifteen years or so, it’s all falling apart. As a young adult, the self-awareness has turned to pure anxiety. I really do want to have at least a few close friends, but at the same time, I don’t ever feel close to anyone. I try to connect, then I get clingy, causing me to fall back into my pattern of withdrawing and isolating. Then, I overcompensate, inappropriately pouring my heart out the second I sense interest because I am torn between being lonely and wanting to connect, but also wanting to remain alone because I don’t feel as if I can hold up. For the longest time, I played the role of the “quiet smart person.” I hid behind this label. Showing all that I knew from time to time, but not reaching out to people when I really wanted to. Not building friendships, thus remaining excluded by my peers, but oddly, building numerous business connections here and there. That was easy because in the business realm, connection is shallow. The same basic formula applies all the time. Everything is based on what you have achieved. And there is really no obligation. I find myself with good career prospects, but very shaky relationship prospects.

But in friendship, it isn’t the same. It’s about shared experiences. It’s about being open. Having fun. Actual connection. Something I always preclude myself from doing because I “can’t be like everyone else,” even though I really do want to have those experiences, my subconscious thoughts sabotage me every time. Though I realize that my family was well-intentioned in trying to get me to behave as a child, this has all taken an unexpected path. Continuously, my inner child seeks. “Who can I be like?” “Am I okay by doing this?” “What am I really supposed to do?” The entire time, I’m consciously attempting to figure out why I just can’t be normal when connecting with people. Why do I have to be so clingy but also detached? Why do I always mess up and say too much? Why am I fighting with myself? By the time it’s all over, I am so socially anxious that I just withdraw. A connection missed. Then, I hate myself. 

But there is hope. Having this new awareness is allowing me to break out of the cycle. Beforehand, I was not aware that this was a particular part of my childhood trauma that was affecting me. I did not know that these words were ringing in my head each and every time I set out to do something new. Having this awareness will assist me in undoing my social anxiety. Though there are friendships that I wanted that I may never get to have, there are always new opportunities. “Find your people” I always hear. I hope to do so. And by that time, I hope that my inner child will say, “How I am is just fine,” and that I will be fine both alone and connected, not longing for any particular condition or playing any particular role for acceptance. Just Being. 

For anyone out there who feels lonely or like you can’t connect with anyone else. You’re not alone. Reach out. Find a support group. The world can be a harsh place, but there are plenty out there who understand. We won’t judge you. Be well. 

[theninjazebra]

21 things for 2021

Under a cut because shit is boring to people not me.

1. Got engaged at 00.01 am, 01.01.2021. Have now spent a year Being Engaged. It was mostly a lot of fun!

2. Also got pinterest for the first time for wedding planning reasons, and marvelled at how rich some people are, and how expensive even a standard Traditional Western Wedding is (thank fuck for family with big back yards, and kiwi chill). I also now want to learn how to crochet.

3. Didn't draw as much as I wanted. Probably my biggest regret of the year?

4. Didn't listen to enough music either. '22 needs more art and more music.

5. April (and May) was the Medical Drama Month. Would like to avoid Wellington hospital for another 5 years, thanks.

6. Also started studying again! Fucking hate it, but that's life. Fun thing about being An Adult is that you can study and hate it without it being an existential thing.

7. Said goodbye to second of the 3Bs. As far as putting down pets goes it was as close to perfect as you get. She was ready, but not suffering too much, and we were all in agreement and ready to say goodbye. 16 yrs is a good life for a cat.

8. Also said hello to Merlin, my awful, violent, filthy monster kitten. He's actually grown into a really lovely cat, but oof. Was rough going for a while there.

9. Belle isn't well though. She started the year with Big Allergies, and ended it with and ear infection and being (kind of, she wouldn't be xrayed) diagnosed with heart valve disease. So 2022 may be a really shit year.

10. I've been growing my very thick, very unreasonable hair long this year because I want long boho hair for my wedding. It's the longest it's ever been and I sort of love it but mostly hate it living with it and will be chopping it all off asap post wedding. Nice thing is I can donate it and still have a decent haircut.

11. The things with the lack of art is that there was so much life happening there kinda wasn't room for it in the same way as before. A pretty big reason for wanting to ditch freelancing - if I'm going to draw I want it to be for me.

12. Having said that I did knock out decent 18ish page comic draft this year. Still need to finish the art tho.

13. And after going round and round I think Wake Up, Check Phone needs to be a weird prose/comic hybrid. It's such a lonely, close story, and I don't want to lose that atmosphere to the more explicit image, or the big scenes to clumsy descriptions.

14. Still trying to work up the courage to finish Peace Day. There's a new little interlude I want to add. Just moments and details to really make the world hurt.

15. Now to actually finish any of these projects. Haha.

16. Also post-30 health fuckery. A lot of which was stress and the general decay that waits for us all. With my trusting walking companion now arthritic and with a dicky heart I'll need to get serious about making time for extra exercise. Use it or lose it, ay.

17. Home life has been weird. People leaving, lock downs, etc. Looking forward to getting some quiet and stability next year (cut to some kind of unforeseeable 2022 drama here)

18. I don't like the fashion of doom and gloom of social media this year. Not because I think life is roses or some shit, but because that unrelenting apocalyptic thinking is something I still associate with the deeply selfish myopia of mental illness (whole fucking story in that, not the time or place for it tho). General boo to all forms of social media this year. Distracts from life and actually useful pursuits. A sort of synthetic, substitute socialization and achievement.

19. But despite not seeing my friends in person much it was actually a pretty good year for keeping in contact and having good communication? Like, proper chats and ph calls etc. Going to try for more in person socializing now that covid restrictions have changed.

20. Going to also try to be more proactive about managing stress and anxiety. Simple acknowledging a problem is not the same as dealing with it.

21. 2022. Incoming. Probably a lot of more-of-the-same. Hopefully less bullshit, less drama, less freelance. More art, more music, more people. Definitely some hard times ahead (not looking forward to putting down my dog at all), and still a whole fuckin wedding to go (going to be great! But so exhausting!) And probably a honeymoon??? Covid/general unknowns willing??? And study (boo). And married life ( ❤❤❤ )

Happy new year everyone.