#depression stuff

[purple-quark]

human Lucifer design for au I sometimes work on to distract myself

[whatevenisokay]

[dunglizard]

TMS moodboard

[best-of-theworst]

My personal space is around 5 kilometers in every direction. Just don't come close to me, please leave me alone.

[frozeninbedwithazombiegirl]

and I just.. I don't know

I'm sad I'm so sad so often it feels like all the time

I'm begging for softness I want people to be nice and easy and gentle and soft with me or not talk to me at all

and I beg people to tell me it's going to be okay, to promise it

just

someone come in and make it okay, save me save me from all this dark, cold, all the sharp edges hitting me, the walls, closing in and closing in for years

I just want the warm soft sun

or northing at all

a life of relief or no life at all

I used to like so many things and I used to be happy and silly and had so much life in me and I'm so fucking sad now there is so little left here

and no one will pick it up for me no one will come into my room and pick up the pieces and take me by the hand to someplace nicer

there is just me lying down in all this and looking for something to get me out

I don't want to anymore I don't want to fight I don't want to keep doing this

that was what suicide was for me then too, peace, letting go, accepting the end

let me die, let me die

[hermit-pride]

Day: 28.

My journey in understanding my mental health continues. Approximately one year ago, I received a diagnosis of ADHD, accompanied by a report indicating the presence of multiple traits associated with Schizoid Personality Disorder (SzPD). Although I began the process of educating myself about these conditions, I initially did not pursue therapy because the practitioner was focused solely on ADHD treatment.

A couple of months later, after experiencing feelings of depression, I sought therapy specifically to address this issue. During our session, I shared my experiences, and upon reviewing my diagnostic report, the therapist noted, "You have reason to be depressed." He suggested that individuals diagnosed with SzPD may often be on the autism spectrum. Unfortunately, after missing a scheduled video therapy session, I felt unsupported and chose to discontinue communication with him.

I am now preparing for in-person therapy next month, where I will focus on addressing childhood trauma. This upcoming session has prompted considerable reflection on my circumstances: I have ADHD, exhibit multiple traits of SzPD, and may potentially be on the autism spectrum, yet my primary goal in therapy is to explore the possibility of complex PTSD (c-PTSD) related to my early life experiences.

My research suggests that many symptoms of these conditions overlap, which leads me to believe it may be more advantageous for me to concentrate on addressing the most disruptive symptoms that cause significant distress. As a nursing professional, I often employ a method of problem-solving that involves discussing both the problem and potential solutions. This approach is not rooted in doubt about the conclusions drawn but rather serves to validate the process of finding effective strategies for improvement.

In light of this reflection, I am seeking input on whether my approach is logical and sound, particularly given the absence of a definitive diagnosis and the course of action I am planning to take.

[purple-quark]

little fugly thirty minutes sketch inspired by me and my cat

[spacegoblinratspecies]

I'm playing FNAF but I'm just mentally ill and I mostly spiral at night.

[englishmagic]

Re. yesterday’s breakdown

I’ve analysed it - on Friday, I spent all of my energy in the first half of the day. My executive dysfunction wouldn’t let me make dinner until around midnight, and I was tired and weakbrained which often leads me to spiral. So there was very little sleep, and I already had quite a weak psyche.

Walked to work in the morning and did my morning shift, after which I was already pretty much drained but still had a lot to do, which triggered the guilt complex. With so little energy and a hair trigger, reading social cues is more difficult, I managed to fuck up a few social interactions and upset some people in ways I really didn’t intend, which, guilt complex just loves jumping on that shit.

I was honest about it with my colleague and ended up not going home, but instead excusing myself whenever my physical reaction to The Sadness was too obvious to interact with guests. I managed to guide some people well towards the end of the day, which left me more confident, and I went home to 1. eat (my brain didn’t let me have breakfast or lunch because it told me I didn’t deserve it which is nonsense but you know how brains get sometimes and 2. Sleep for twelve hours.

So now I feel much better. Still clinically depressed, still have to do something about those brain chemicals long term, but I’m not in crisis mode, so hurray!

[dunglizard]

yesterday I had my twenty-eighth TMS appointment out of a planned total thirty-four

today after work I went for a walk interspersed with jogging and just a little bit of sprinting AND I LIKED IT!!! IT FELT GOOD!!! I COULD HAVE KEPT GOING!!!

[aquareegia]

the feeling when the mental illness actually causes you physical pain

[notesbynataly]

Trying to stay positive but I need to find solutions for being productive despite the bouts of depression ...

More than just going outside.

Any advice?

[grimmstudio]

time to watch a disturbing horror movie to coddle the aching random pit of depression that got punched through me today

[selectivechaos]

on self-isolation due to mental illness

long post oops🌹🌹

sorry for not being active, i really can’t promise i’ll be more so. posting on this blog will be very sporadic due to some of my health issues and also uni :((((

i spent 4 years in isolation. and it was something i chose at the time.

i had friends before that, that were incredibly kind. they never really judged me for not being able to speak. they never understood it either, because i couldn’t explain, and i didn’t know about situational mutism.

but they let me sit with them in silence, and i never grew more comfortable with them; never got less anxious. because it was an anxiety disorder, not just shyness.

i never became more able to speak to them, other than to give short replies. it took all my nerves to ask “how are you?” back to them when they asked it first. most of the time i could just about manage to tell them how i was when they asked, but it was something about initiating conversation that terrified me even more.

but over time my mental health worsened. particularly my depression. and this led me to believe that they hated me, and that they didn’t want me around, even though they had shown no signs of this. i believed it regardless, because that’s what cognitive distortions do.

and i chose never to hang around them again. i was so caught up in my self-hatred, and had made myself so small over the years, that i saw my time with those friends as one of exclusion; of being the outsider of the group, rather than one of inclusion and kindness.

no matter what people say, i think it is always better to have fake friends or lousy friends than no friends at all. i don’t think people understand how scary and dangerous it is not to have anyone you can be around. how loneliness kills.

i barely remember that time. but i remember wishing for an escape from that school, from hiding in those toilets, from all of the shame that built up around me.

i remember that my social anxiety got so much worse; i couldn’t move or look up from the floor/desk. i would shake if i thought someone looked at me. this was not ‘cute’. this was not ‘sweet’. this was not anything that you can or should romanticise. social anxiety is excruciating.

but i got out, i got friends. i got on SSRIs that unbelievably helped my anxiety. and i still feel it. i still get twitches of the past. and i still struggle with the same cognitive distortions, core conditions, and beliefs that i taught myself back when no-one helped me; back when i was just trying to survive. my inner child needs a LOT of help and comfort, and just because they didn’t get it at the time, doesn’t mean they didn’t need/deserve it. they do.

my isolation was a choice. but it was one i made while very very mentally ill, and very much neglected by the supports that should have been there.

for all those that isolate themselves, or become isolated, because of mental illness, know that it is not your fault. the things you do to survive are not choices but compromises. and they don’t always make sense. and they may even be counter-productive or put you in more harm, or cause more trauma or danger, but that doesn’t mean it is your fault. you did what you had to do. you deserved support. you deserved better options. you shouldn’t have had to compromise.

🌹🌹🌹.

[sinister-sincerely]

Continuing cheering the up! I hope you're doing better, it's great to see ya posting again. Wanted to send ya a lil somethings to keep the good vibes going :3

Little doodle of us (I shall quack for you as you rest m'lord) and a very normal very happy moon with his favorite (totally coincidentally a rabbit mhmm yup-) plushy <333

I read this once I got myself into work. Bad timing because now I am on the verge of tears and gotta play it off as something in my eye. Not to get too sappy but ya' have no idea how touched this makes me. As someone with chronic depression swinging back and forth between deep periods of lethargy and manic I have more than enough time to sit and think. I get very in my own head that if I were to fall off the edge of the earth that it would shake me off and no one would blink... To think anyone thought about me, even in a passing since- it makes my day- my week- my month- etc. Thank you. Truly.

[threehornz]

having extremely hard time believing any amount of anything I do actually matters