#depression stuff

[whatevenisokay]

[best-of-theworst]

My personal space is around 5 kilometers in every direction. Just don't come close to me, please leave me alone.

[notesbynataly]

Trying to stay positive but I need to find solutions for being productive despite the bouts of depression ...

More than just going outside.

Any advice?

[hermit-pride]

Day: 28.

My journey in understanding my mental health continues. Approximately one year ago, I received a diagnosis of ADHD, accompanied by a report indicating the presence of multiple traits associated with Schizoid Personality Disorder (SzPD). Although I began the process of educating myself about these conditions, I initially did not pursue therapy because the practitioner was focused solely on ADHD treatment.

A couple of months later, after experiencing feelings of depression, I sought therapy specifically to address this issue. During our session, I shared my experiences, and upon reviewing my diagnostic report, the therapist noted, "You have reason to be depressed." He suggested that individuals diagnosed with SzPD may often be on the autism spectrum. Unfortunately, after missing a scheduled video therapy session, I felt unsupported and chose to discontinue communication with him.

I am now preparing for in-person therapy next month, where I will focus on addressing childhood trauma. This upcoming session has prompted considerable reflection on my circumstances: I have ADHD, exhibit multiple traits of SzPD, and may potentially be on the autism spectrum, yet my primary goal in therapy is to explore the possibility of complex PTSD (c-PTSD) related to my early life experiences.

My research suggests that many symptoms of these conditions overlap, which leads me to believe it may be more advantageous for me to concentrate on addressing the most disruptive symptoms that cause significant distress. As a nursing professional, I often employ a method of problem-solving that involves discussing both the problem and potential solutions. This approach is not rooted in doubt about the conclusions drawn but rather serves to validate the process of finding effective strategies for improvement.

In light of this reflection, I am seeking input on whether my approach is logical and sound, particularly given the absence of a definitive diagnosis and the course of action I am planning to take.

[selectivechaos]

on self-isolation due to mental illness

long post oops🌹🌹

sorry for not being active, i really can’t promise i’ll be more so. posting on this blog will be very sporadic due to some of my health issues and also uni :((((

i spent 4 years in isolation. and it was something i chose at the time.

i had friends before that, that were incredibly kind. they never really judged me for not being able to speak. they never understood it either, because i couldn’t explain, and i didn’t know about situational mutism.

but they let me sit with them in silence, and i never grew more comfortable with them; never got less anxious. because it was an anxiety disorder, not just shyness.

i never became more able to speak to them, other than to give short replies. it took all my nerves to ask “how are you?” back to them when they asked it first. most of the time i could just about manage to tell them how i was when they asked, but it was something about initiating conversation that terrified me even more.

but over time my mental health worsened. particularly my depression. and this led me to believe that they hated me, and that they didn’t want me around, even though they had shown no signs of this. i believed it regardless, because that’s what cognitive distortions do.

and i chose never to hang around them again. i was so caught up in my self-hatred, and had made myself so small over the years, that i saw my time with those friends as one of exclusion; of being the outsider of the group, rather than one of inclusion and kindness.

no matter what people say, i think it is always better to have fake friends or lousy friends than no friends at all. i don’t think people understand how scary and dangerous it is not to have anyone you can be around. how loneliness kills.

i barely remember that time. but i remember wishing for an escape from that school, from hiding in those toilets, from all of the shame that built up around me.

i remember that my social anxiety got so much worse; i couldn’t move or look up from the floor/desk. i would shake if i thought someone looked at me. this was not ‘cute’. this was not ‘sweet’. this was not anything that you can or should romanticise. social anxiety is excruciating.

but i got out, i got friends. i got on SSRIs that unbelievably helped my anxiety. and i still feel it. i still get twitches of the past. and i still struggle with the same cognitive distortions, core conditions, and beliefs that i taught myself back when no-one helped me; back when i was just trying to survive. my inner child needs a LOT of help and comfort, and just because they didn’t get it at the time, doesn’t mean they didn’t need/deserve it. they do.

my isolation was a choice. but it was one i made while very very mentally ill, and very much neglected by the supports that should have been there.

for all those that isolate themselves, or become isolated, because of mental illness, know that it is not your fault. the things you do to survive are not choices but compromises. and they don’t always make sense. and they may even be counter-productive or put you in more harm, or cause more trauma or danger, but that doesn’t mean it is your fault. you did what you had to do. you deserved support. you deserved better options. you shouldn’t have had to compromise.

🌹🌹🌹.

[sinister-sincerely]

Continuing cheering the up! I hope you're doing better, it's great to see ya posting again. Wanted to send ya a lil somethings to keep the good vibes going :3

Little doodle of us (I shall quack for you as you rest m'lord) and a very normal very happy moon with his favorite (totally coincidentally a rabbit mhmm yup-) plushy <333

I read this once I got myself into work. Bad timing because now I am on the verge of tears and gotta play it off as something in my eye. Not to get too sappy but ya' have no idea how touched this makes me. As someone with chronic depression swinging back and forth between deep periods of lethargy and manic I have more than enough time to sit and think. I get very in my own head that if I were to fall off the edge of the earth that it would shake me off and no one would blink... To think anyone thought about me, even in a passing since- it makes my day- my week- my month- etc. Thank you. Truly.

[aquareegia]

can i be honest here for a sec? i've never planned to make it past 18, and now that i'm well past that point, i don't know what to do with myself? i can't really imagine a future where i'm in because i didn't ever think i'd make it to the present. i kinda feel like a foreign object that shouldn't be here, that doesn't belong. how does one deal with that?

[dunglizard]

nine years ago today I formally decided that I wasn’t going to kill myself and called a mental health hotline (rare helpful one) which led to me getting medicated and slowly crawling my way out of the pit

and just look at me now: fat, hot, hairy, gay, top surgery on the horizon, and married to the actual most beautiful woman in the world

I’m still here and I’m celebrating!!

[marvel-mistress-padawan]

I am questioning everything in my life right now. I've been trying to attend Grad school while working full time and couldn't seem to keep up with everything life required of me. So I left my full time work and took on additional loans in aan attempt to allow myself more time in the day and enable me to pass my classes. I'm not failing at this point but I'm not doing great either. I'm not actually good at anything. I'm 42 years old, I don't have a career, I don't own a home, I'm not thin, or pretty, or popular, or anything really. I'm just useless. And now I'm in further debt and for what? For a degree to do a job that I might not be any good at anyway? What is even the point?

And in like 30 years or less I will be dead and no one will remember or care that even existed. I literally just want to write stories and eat snacks and never leave my house. Why is that so impossible? Why do I have to work myself to death trying to "improve myself" so that I can have enough money to barely survive and no time at all for writing or creativity? It's all pointless. Why not just skip ahead and be dead now?

I am not suicidal. I have no plans to do anything drastic. I am just questioning the futility of existence. What is even the point?

[lacyscabinet]

The feminine urge to bang my head against the wall

[yourlocalsentientmoth]

I typically think I keep a lot of my problems to myself and refuse to tell people what's wrong with me but then I remember if you call me at the right time of day when im having existential crisses A, B, or X. I will just start explaining my theory board of "mental problems I probably have and why" and just random post-it notes that are on there as well. Just like:

"So that probably says something about my attachment issues, but that's a different topic back to the fact I genuinely cannot tell if I live in a video game bubble or not and if I go far enough will I just fall out of bounds,"

After the conversation: "welp time to regret the fuck out of that in the morning,"

[mxlxverboy]

I‘m sorry that I made you go through all this pain, also if I knew it would happen again. I’m sorry I don’t love you yet. I’m sorry I keep making the same mistakes.

Love, me.

[lifecrushing]

"younger sibling rage is when you saw all the horrors they did to your brother, how they crushed his dreams and expected him to stand there with a smile. When they say he had a loving childhood, but all he wished is to be elsewhere, and knowing that he is no longer a loving boy you once knew, but a person filled with fury, threatning to spill all over the carpet. As a young child you do not understand, but when the teenage years hit you recognize the familiar feeling. You want to make them feel miserable, just like they did to your kind brother, whom no longer can look back on a childhood or whom was made to be like a vault, and then you realize, why that brotherly rage came flooding back in."

as a person who has very abusive parents, and my brother was the only person that made my childhood bearable I identify with this poem very much. :(

[aquareegia]

actually, i think i'll just disappear for a few days. just turn off notifications for every app and allow myself to absolutely just rot in bed and be miserable in peace.

idk maybe it's actually because my birthday is coming up, and i have this feeling of "another year passed, and i have accomplished nothing but being depressed" on top, there are the looming horrors of the state of this country...

yeah, i think i'll just go lay down for a while.

[gayliens-galaxy]

Von Gedanken zerfressen. Sommer 2024

Sehnsüchtig habe ich auf diese wundervollen Sommertage gewartet, um festzustellen, dass die Depressionen mich so im Griff haben, dass ich einfach nichts machen kann.

Ich bin eingesperrt in meinen Gedanken, dabei diese wegzuwerfen, indem mich die Sucht wieder heimsucht.

Gedanken zerfressen mich, deshalb lasse ich meine Gedanken wiederum durch Substanzen zerfressen.

Willkommen im Gedankenkarussel meines Lebens.

Wie war das noch; die schlimmsten kommen aus Norden. Und tatsächlich ist es so. In Norden ist noch keiner was geworden. Auch das stimmt. Mit jedem bisschen Zeit, die vergeht merke ich; es wird schlimmer. Wimmernd sitz' ich in meinem Zimmer und denke stets daran: Gibt es trotz allem einen Weg nach oben?

30°, die Tage auf die ich eine Ewigkeit gewartet habe. Und trotzdem liege ich hier, verzweifelt mit der Frage, ob ich eine Zukunft habe. Mit der ständigen Frage warum zur verfickten Hölle man mir dieses Leben gab, welches ich nun lebe.

Verstoßen von der Familie, keinen Kontakt mehr zu Freunden. Abgeschottet von der Außenwelt um zu verhindern noch weiteren Menschen weh zutun.

Nur wer mir weh getan hat steht nicht zur Debatte. Ich meine; mich hat lange keiner mehr ernsthaft gefragt, wie es mir geht oder was ich mache. Wer will auch schon einen Menschen um sich rum haben, der ständig zeigt, wie schlecht es ihm geht, wenn es doch keinen interessiert. Nicht mal den eigenen Eltern.

Die Traurigkeit ist allerdings nicht die, die hier im Mittelpunkt steht. Im Mittelpunkt steht, wer was hat und wer am glücklichsten scheint. Tränen will keiner sehen, nur wer die besten Vibes ausstrahlt ist auch was. Es gibt da diesen Spruch: "Hast du was bist du was" und im Gegensatz zu diesem Spruch gibt es natürlich auch den Gegenspruch "Hast du nichts, bist du nichts". Dies wage ich zur Zeit am meisten zu spüren. Hast du nichts, bist depressiv und hast Probleme, will keiner was von dir wissen. Bis zu dem Zeitpunkt, wo sie alle selbst in der scheiße stecken und im besten Fall merken, wie scheiße es in solchen Momenten ist, niemanden zu haben.

Freunde kann ich an einer Hand abzählen. Familie verliert ihre Bedeutung und das schwarze Schaf? Nun es sitzt hier und schreibt seine Gedanken auf. Geht zu Ärzten, Psychologen, Psychiater, um die ganze Scheiße die einem das Leben vor die Füße warf zu verarbeiten. Noch mag es keinen Wert in der Gesellschaft haben. Aber spätestens, wenn mindestens die Hälfte derer, die jetzt nicht da sind selbst in der Scheiße stecken, werden sie merken, was ich und viele andere durchgemacht haben und nach Hilfe fragen. Nur dann, genau dann wird es zu spät sein. Und genauso wie ich es jetzt muss, müssen diejenigen ihre Scheiße selbst ausbaden.

Genau dann werde ich diejenige sein die sagt; Ich habe es euch immer nahe bringen wollen, aber keiner hat mir jemals zugehört.

Und genau dann, werde ich mit erhobenen Hauptes davon gehen und euch genauso damit alleine lassen, wie ihr es tat, als ich euch am meisten gebraucht habe.

Ins kalte Wasser wurde ich geworfen und von derer, die es sahen geborgen. Und nur diese Menschen zählen in meinem jetzigen Leben. Alle anderen, die es für lächerlich empfanden, diese werden letztlich am Boden landen.

Auf dass ihr daraus lernen werdet, wie ich es tat. Um Rat bei euch bat und ihr es lächelnd abgewunken habt.

Wünsche ich euch dennoch, dass ihr merkt, wie wichtig es ist Menschen zu haben, die in diesen Situationen euer Leben bemalt.

[phoenixtv]