#Dragon: Yeah. Because he looks just like *you*

[mjbarrosart]

My Dragon Prince Boards season 7, episode 705, part 2: The Moonberry Surprise.

It's true, the Moonberry Surprise moment, it is my fault

I hope you can forgive me for my sins. Hahahaha.

Ok, let's talk about this little sequence. But first, some... context?

Ok, so, Dragon Prince was my first job as Storyboard Artist, before coming to DPR I was working as a Storyboard Revisionist in Lego NinjaGo Crystalized. So I applied to Dragon Prince with not hopes that they will hire me, and when the offered my the job I was in awe.

So basically, I arrived to work in season 4 as a Junior Storyboard Artist. They gave me little sequences during season 4 (I was mostly helping my unit director with revisions) they gave me more during season 5 and 6, working on my strengths, emotional moments, long talking sequences and some combat. You know what was not there? comedy, because it was not one of the things I knew well how to do. But after a year and a half working in the show, I was seasoned enough to be a proper Storyboard Artist, not a rookie anymore. So they finally assigned me a comedy sequence.

I was terrified. Today after years in the industry, I can say that I am not scared of comedy anymore. But when I read the script and I realized that they were expecting a big comedy moment from me , I knew I was in trouble. But as they say, "you fake it until you make it" I took a deep breath and smile to my unit director like "Of course I can do this!"

But ok, lets talk about the sequence. We start nice, with the moon fam enjoying some time together. Was an opportunity to work with Runaan and Ethari, and that is always cool! I love how Ethari is just happy of everyone being there, and Runaan just wants to kill Callum (in an affectionate way, like he is just a protective dad, you know, a no nonsense dude)

So yeah, they talk a little and Rayla handles Callum a slice of Moonberry Surprise. Is like this almost mythical dessert that is said tastes like nothing else in all Xadia. And Callum is so excited to try it!

So, the script did not call for anything you saw in that sequence. The script instructed to reveal the Moonberry Surprise like something out of this world, and then have Callum almost having an epiphany when he tries it. My first idea was to have Calum almost levitating on his seat while eating it, while the rest of the moon fam looked at them in confusion. But during the launch of the episode (this is the stage where directors and in the case of DPR writers, tell SB artist what they want for every sequence we will board, we pitch ideas, and so on) was more clear to me that they were expecting something more of an "out of this world experience". Like the "I love books" moment that Callum had on season 5, episode 2, but on steroids.

So I was ok, lets make it as trippy as possible. So we have this fast zoom in into Callums face, that lead us into this "dimension of flavor" he is being transported to.

And he opens his eyes and he is floating in this space of color and flavor, his spirit being lifted by this experience.

He is experiencing all this flavors, eating this huge blue berries (this was my Unit director idea, Thanks Katherine!!), when something catches his eye. A figure, looking to him from the above, almost like a god.

And Callums looks up, revealing... this:

So, I have a really particular sense of humor (not unique, because I feel a lot of people share it, particular because really specific things make me laugh a lot). I was born late 80's grew up on the 90's with all the weird cartoons and anime of that time. For me adding muscular arms to things is the best joke ever.

This is peak humor to me:

So I was like, what if, Callum does the Titanic spinning thing, with a muscular slice of pie? So I did that... And I was SURE they will reject it.

So I finished my roughs, and I sent them to my Unit Director. She was "this is so stupid" (in the best way) so, she added some placeholder music, and send it for review from the directors, while both of us were expecting to have it rejected.

A couple of days after, our Storyboards Supervisor was like "WHO DID THE MOONBERRY SURPRISE SEQUENCE??" And I was like "me?", and he was like "Aaron LOVED IT!" and I was like "?????" so, yeah, was approved.

So yeah, that is my legacy, I guess. I am Runaan in this shot:

So well, those are all my sequences in episode 705.

Sorry again for being responsible for the birth of that thing. But that is my son now, and I kinda love him, even if he looks like that....

Next post will be my last! So yeah, stay tunned for my last post about my boards in The Dragon Prince, episode 708!

[goldenwitherphoenix13]

Welcome to,

Life series, but they are all mermaids, and for some reason XB Crafted is here too

A ruddy stupid, random as shit mermaid AU

If you're wondering who is what, never fear for I am here! Here's a list!

Impulse is a Shark

Skizz is a Remora

Pearl is a deep sea fish (based on multiple fish found in the deep sea)

Gem is a Piranha

Lizzie is an axolotl

Joel is a betta

Tango is a Lemon Shark

Jimmy is a Cod

Scott is a Jellyfish

Cleo is a Zombie fish

Scar is a Catfish

Grian is a parrotfish

Martyn is a Lionfish

Ren is a Wolffish

BigB is a lantern fish

Etho is a leafy sea dragon

Bdubs is a pufferfish

Mumbo is an octopus

And after much convincing by my friend @lonleyzodiac , my friend convinced me to add XB as a Humuhumunukunukuapua'a, or the triggerfish. Yes I watched Octonauts as a kid, how can you tell?

Anyways, basic story time!

At an aquarium by the coast, there is a connecting facility that runs a Mermaid rescue, care and rehabilitation center, focused on giving mers a safe place to stay when they won't be able to survive in the wild or help nurse them back to healthy states so they can be released into the wild again.

Issue is that sometimes the mers can get a bit attatched to the humans and eachother so they refuse to leave.

All other Hermits, Empires members and even the yogcast lot work in the care center. Some of them work in the labs with medicines and understanding Mermaid biology, psychology and other -ologys. Meanwhile the others work with the mers in taking care of needs like food and environment. They also have an action squad who go out and perform actual rescues for mers who are in danger.

Some mers have permanent issues that mean they can't survive properly in the wild so they take up permanent residence. Some you can obviously see such as Mumbo and XB. Mumbo is missing a tentacle and XB lost half his tail. Others are there but harder to see such as Pearl's scars for her missing fins, and Scars scars for how hes constantly finding trouble, and Cleos damaged fins due to their frailty (this does not stop them being a sassy lil shit all the time, they do not care). And then there's Scott who has no sting in his stingers, Tango who has very poor eye sight and immune system, and Grian who was a mer raised out of the ocean and thusly has zero survival instincts.

The others are all there either because they got attatched to eachother or the humans. Some, like Impulse and Skizz, make up for this by actively helping out around the facility by finding other injured Mers outside who need help.

And then others aren't hurt or anything, just there because they already have a bond to other mers who were hurt. Joel is a special case as he is literally just there because he has fallen for Lizzie. Scott mentioned the concept of the word wife once and now it is Joel's favourite word.

And before I get any questions, yes Bdubs is a Mer. He looks like just a pufferfish, but he can speak very clear English.

Oh yeah. You can understand Mermaids when they are underwater, but above the water, they sound like they are talking gibberish. Fun thing is the mers can understand eachother above the surface, it's just humans who can't understand them.

[tiredfox64]

Waiter waiter!!

More giant Bi-han pls !!

(Headcanons,,, or smrhn,,, other characters are cool too !!)

Big...That's It

Yip notes: kitchen burning all around me with my lighter in my hand and the food on fire ...Okay...headcanons are good...custom job...g/t stuff again okay okay

Pairings: Bi-Han x Gn reader, Raiden x Gn reader

Warnings: My headcanons gasp opinions oh gosh

Bi-Han

I said it once and I'll say it again. It's giving Marc Antony and Pussyfoot. Just this big, aggressive guy who has to deal with this little menace that causes so much trouble but he loves them.

That man HATES to have you out of his sight. You need to be in front of him or in his peripheral vision.

If you can't stay in front of Bi-Han you're getting the towel or the leash. He will slam you down into a hand towel and wrap you up like a newborn Russian baby. That small leash that's made for bearded dragons that he bought one day? That's going on you too.

All silliness aside, Bi-Han actually likes you this way. A tiny thing that fits in the palm of his hand.

He likes that you're pathetic and you're forced to depend on him for certain things like getting you food or fighting off ants that try to fight you.

He purposely gives you big slices of food because you look cute shoving food in your cheeks. You look so silly eating baby corn, don't worry it's in a good way. He does scold you if you fill your mouth up too much and taps your back lightly to make you spit it out. Okay...maybe not so light.

You are his stress toy. You will be in a death grip while Bi-Han's thumb rubs against your head. You're an analog stick.

He doesn't trust you to sit on his head. You're gonna pull his hair and he knows it. You can stay on his shoulder.

Bi-Han likes to keep you in his room. You have your own little setup (probably in a huge cage with cloths over it) like your own room. He won't provide you furniture so you'll have to ask someone else cough cough Tomas cough choke to get you doll furniture.

He'd probably keep your room on a bedside table. Anything near his bed will do. He does that so he can have his hand near you. Don't worry he doesn't twitch or attack in his sleep so you won't wake up accidentally because he slapped the table.

This stays between you and me BUT he keeps his hand near you to make sure you're safe. If you're in trouble or struggle to fall asleep, you can tap on his hand and he'll be there to help. He'll bitch about it, sorry. But Bi-Han sure can provide you the best back massage with his two fingers so you can sleep peacefully.

Heaven help the poor son of a bitch who accidentally (or purposely) kicks you. You'll be down, a bit sore maybe, and then Bi-Han will come around and--oh look at that it's snowing blood.

Raiden

Ah yes, such a gentleman who unfortunately shocks you a lot.

Raiden needs to be careful with you after he uses his amulet. If you were at a normal human size you wouldn't be shocked by him once he was done with the amulet. But because you're a little bitty you get quite the shock when he touches you.

Oooo, is someone cooking pollo asado? Oh wait, that's just you.

He is totally fine with keeping you on his head and under his hat. It's safe and comfortable. You stay cool while the light seeps in. You could pass out up there while using his head of hair as your bed.

I genuinely believe this man would have doll hairbrushes for you. It's either Barbie hairbrushes or Ever After High hairbrushes. They were definitely borrowed from Johnny.

I feel like Raiden can cook simple meals and he will cook you miniature versions of those meals. Have a mini omelet.

Gently hold the reader in your hands, Raiden, gently hold them. This man has his hands cupped to hold you.

He's not possessive, he is just scared to have others hold you. Especially Kung Lao and Johnny because of how rough they can be.

You know those bunny owners who have a room dedicated to their bunny? Yeah, that's him but with you. You got a whole penthouse on one side of his room. Boujee ass dollhouse accessories and some great rat hammocks.

He likes to have you near when he meditates. He believes it can suppress your devious rat tendencies. If not, then at least Raiden can keep an ear open for you.

No touching the amulet! He reminds you every week. It's either curiosity or pure stupidity that drives you to go near it with your tiny hands.

Some nights...most nights, he lets you sleep on a pillow next to him. He knows not to roll onto you even in his sleep. Raiden likes to have his little lover close to him. You'll get a big goodnight kiss. Dawh :3

Yap notes: Yes, yes, I know I should be celebrating with family but this Christmas Eve hasn't been spectacular. So I spent some of my alone time doing this. Plus, that g/t curse was getting me again. A week of throat problems, a week of nose problems, a week of car and water problems, random bursts of anxiety and blood pressure spiking. Damn Fishii I said I would get to it! I might have a late Christmas gift for you (but with your luck my family might call me names again and I'll end up working on the whole thing tomorrow). To anyone else who might want to ignore family for a bit by reading, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. Now if this damn post just works that would be great.

[floatingcatacombs]

The Normal Author’s Girlfriend’s List Of Bad Yuri Anime

12 Days of Aniblogging 2024, Day 11

So you’ve seen some good yuri anime: Revolutionary Girl Utena (and the movie, if you want), Bloom Into You, Puella Magi Madoka Magica (plus, of course, Rebellion, which is essential), Bocchi: The Rock!, Girls Last Tour. You know HaruMichi and Farcille and poor sweet Tomoyo Daidouji and Quanxi’s whole deal. You’ve been queerbaited by Kyoani, or maybe you got lucky and watched Dragon Maid which was actually gay; you no longer get weirded out by incest; you wanted more Utena and got The Witch from Mercury S1 (good) or Revue Starlight (bad); maybe you’ve even gone back to Oniisama e and discovered Ryoko Ikeda’s incredible butch-for-butch technologies.

You’ve seen some good yuri and that’s been great. It’s just… there isn’t that much of it. Well, you could start reading manga, or books, or talking to actual women, but you want more yuri anime specifically.

To you, dear reader, I offer up this solution:

Bad Yuri.

Floating Catacombs 2025 Presents:

A Normal Author’s Girlfriend Production

The Normal Author’s Girlfriend’s List Of Bad Yuri Anime

Before we get started, let’s define our terms. First: Bad Yuri must not be in good taste. Second, let us consider some ‘ungood’ yuri, that we might understand what we aren’t looking for:

Case 1: Liz and the Blue Bird.

Boring and forgettable. Bad Yuri must be watchable.

Case 2: Shoujo Kageki Revue Starlight.

Yeah the butchfemme was good but I spent this entire show waiting for KuroMaya and they only got half an episode. I don’t fucking care about ‘childhood friends’. Bad Yuri must be enjoyable.

Case 3: Hibike Euphonium

It has to be gay. Come on. This is like the most basic requirement.

Case 4: MagiRevo, Undead Murder Farce

Being gay is not enough. You have to have actual characters.

In sum: Bad Yuri must be in bad taste; it must be watchable on a minute-to-minute basis; it must not leave the watcher with a bad taste in her mouth; it must actually be gay; and it must have some semblance of characterization. In practice it is basically always violent and horny. We’re talking like Kill La Kill levels, although if you ever want to watch that you should just go see Promare instead. Also, I reserve the right to break any and all of these rules whenever I feel like it. Without further ado:

Cross Ange

Content Warnings: Blood, Violence, Death, Sexual Assault, Ryona, Incest, Bad Taste, Needlessly Edgy, It’s Just Porn At This Point, Incredibly Stupid Plot Twists, Pretty Much Every Fetish

Princess Ange’s traitorous older brother exiles her to an island full of lesbians, where she must pilot a mech to fight dragons in incredibly revealing clothing.

This is Code Geass if it was about a girl and also worse (sorry Roze of the Recapture). This show starts with a baby being arrested. They put the baby in a special little baby jail cage in the back of a police car. The first episode ends with lesbian rape under the justification of a strip search. The weak girls on Pussy Fight Island pull knives on each other at the slightest provocation; the stronger girls pull guns; the strongest girls just use their hands.

It’s got all the subtlety of villainess manga. It’s got girls pissing themselves. It’s got a girl named Riza, short for Lizardia, because she is secretly a DRAGON. Forget ‘Lesbian soldier hopelessly in love with her commander’ – it’s got that too but it has I kid you not a lesbian harem where the top dies in combat so one of the four harem girlies has to turn into a top like a clownfish undergoing sequential hermaphroditism and take over. And then she dies too and the next one in line has to take over and then it happens again and then when it’s down to two one of them leaves because she can tell the current top’s heart isn’t in it and defects to Akio Ohtori’s side, because at least he’s willing to fuck her (lesbian cuckold count: 1) And everybody’s ass is out at all times.

It’s also got a surprising amount of Gundam intertextuality? The comparisons to Iron-Blooded Orphans are obvious; Kira Yamato is there, for some reason; her mecha is the Zeta Gundam but if it was the Strike Freedom with the TR-6 Woundwort’s Psyco Blade Goddess Antenna from Mobile Suit Gundam: Advance of Zeta: The Flag of Titans; the girls in Ange’s squadron each map perfectly to Shaddiq Zenelli’s Grassley girls.

But that’s not what you’re here for. You’re here for the scene where Hilda confesses that she’s in love with Ange but understands that Ange can never love her back, because Ange is already in love with Kira Yamato, and also with Salamandinay, a DRAGON princess from the True Earth who arrived through a dimensional rift to free Aura, the first DRAGON and the source of all magic, before Ange grabs her and gives her a full kiss while telling her that the world she’s fighting to create will have all kinds of relationships.

God Jill is so hot.

Shlock: Maximum

Lesbian: Yes, somehow, and bisexual as well. It is a male gaze thing but that’s going to be a constant with this microgenre. The vast majority of people who like women are men statistically and sometimes thank god they produce something like this

Watchability: High, if you have covid

Quality: Awful.

The Executioner And Her Way Of Life

Content Warnings: Death, Ryona, Incest, Bad Taste, Needlessly Edgy, Incredibly Stupid Plot Twist

Menou is a priestess in Isekai World whose job is to hunt down and kill Isekai Boys before they start causing problems with their Isekai Boy Powers. But this latest Isekai Boy Target… is a Girl With Enormous Tatas who she can’t kill because she auto-rewinds time to erase any wounds.

What really does it here for me is Menou’s relationship with her mentor, Flare, who groomed trained her from a young age to cut off all her emotions in order to make her a better executioner. I’m not immune to Empty Spaces/Combat Dolls/Signalis. What if Christianity wasn’t about raising girls as lambs to the slaughter but was instead about raising girls to use knives to kill people? A seductive premise for those with my particular flavor of religious trauma. Akari is fine, although I feel like Smith (Bravern) did Homura better.

I also like Momo, although I have a weakness for lesbian cuckolds (more on that later, possibly).

Shlock: High

Lesbian: Lesbian

Watchability: Moderate

Quality: Mid

Kakegurui

Content Warnings: Bad Taste, Needlessly Edgy, Boy Protagonist before the story thankfully gets bored of him, It’s Just Porn At This Point

Yumeko Jabami transfers into Gambling Academy, where everybody gambles and failing to pay your debts means being forced into petplay slavery. Luckily for her and unluckily for everyone else she is the world’s most perfect gambler because it turns her on.

Maybe the highest exposure show on this list? It’s got gambling, and sexual gambling, and a girl who can only orgasm if she’s actively taking place in a gamble where she could die. At one point she whacks off in a bathroom playing solo Russian Roulette. It’s got a Netflix original season 2 villain who was a girl forced to dress as a boy for years in ways that drove her sexually insane. It’s got The Tower of Doors, which is the most woman game that any woman has ever played.

My favorite bit character is probably the early villain who collects fingernails from everybody she beats because that’s her fetish, or the hopelessly-devoted Student Council Secretary who wants only to lay her face on the chair where her beloved Student Council President sits (lesbian cuckold count 3; 4 if you count Midori). She asks to gamble with her life and Yumeko says that that’s boring, and that there are things she values more – and that they’ll gamble with one life vs her relationship to the Student Council President instead.

Watch the opening for this one – it’s very clear about what it is, and if it doesn’t hook you it isn’t the show for you.

Shlock: Very High

Lesbian: Surprisingly

Watchability: Very high

Quality: Fine

Akuma No Riddle

Content Warnings: Violence, Sexual Assault, Death, Ryona, Bad Taste, Needlessly Edgy, Fanservice, Various Fetishes

Bishonen girl assassin Tokaku Azuma has received her first assignment: attend the Black Class at Killing People Murder High School and kill sweet and innocent-seeming Haru Ichinose, who she immediately falls in love with. Unfortunately the other eleven members of the Black Class are also there to kill Haru.

And they’re all lesbian or bisexual. And they’re all freaks.

They’re constantly pulling guns and knives on each other. Like every conversation a weapon will come out – possibly two. There’s a lesbian serial killer who really likes using scissors on girls. Sexually. The Student Council President is sexually devoted to the school principal. There’s a twenty-year-old spoiled rich girl with a boy’s name because she was named after her mom, who was a gay man. Her dad was also a gay man. If you dare say anything homophobic about this she will kill you. Two of these girls locked eyes right as they transferred in and immediately dropped everything to engage in a 24/7 ageplay dynamic. The other spoiled rich girl is secretly a cyborg and in love with the multiple personality girl, who wants to kill her as well.

This is by the author of infamous shotacon BL manga Loveless, so I guess all that is to be expected.

Also… Akiko Morishima got really into making doujinshi for this one? Sure.

Shlock: High

Lesbian: Yeah

Watchability: Pretty decent

Quality: Sure

Yuri Kuma Arashi

Content Warnings: Sexual Assault, Bad Taste, It’s Basically Just Porn At This Point, Bears

Lesbian Bear Storm.

For my money, the best Ikuhara post-Utena work is Sarazanmai, but Yurikuma Arashi absolutely earns its spot on this list. The pieces of a story about how lesbian desire is used to titillate a male audience but never fulfilled, how desire is regulated and rendered hideous, and how girls enforce heteropatriarchy by manufacturing consensus completely independent of men are in there somewhere under the moaning naked girls licking honey off precisely-positioned lilies. I think? It’s well-directed, at least.

Shlock: Ikuni

Lesbian: Ikunirappa

Watchability: Ikunichauda

Quality: Ikunigomamonaka

(the first half of) Birdie Wing: Girls Golf Story

Content Warnings: Violence, Bad Taste, Incest but not really, Golf, The Threat of Having To Resort To Survival Sex Work Underlying This Stupid Golf Show

Birdie Wing is the story of a girl who hates golf and a girl who loves golf. Season two fails to make par because it loves golf too much; season one, with the baffling metaverse vr episode, the underground mafia roguelike golf-to-the-death course, the woman who golfs so hard her robotic arm explodes, and the inexplicable Bandai property references, is the way to go.

I hate golf in the way only an eldest daughter forced into golf lessons hates golf. When Birdie Wing hates golf – when Eve swaggers onto the course in her stupid outfits, refusing to adhere to any etiquette, uses only three clubs and slaps a ball directly into the flag to drop it straight down? I love that. When she lifts her driver and points it and says she’ll kill somebody with it? I love that.

Also like when Aoi says she’ll get her attention with this and pulls her extra long driver out and holds it like a strap. And then her beleaguered caddie talks about how Aoi pierces everyone through with an innocent smile. That was good.

The thing that stuck with me the most wasn’t actually any of the golf shenanigans – it was the way that Eve effectively shoots Aoi down when they discover that they shared a father and were therefore half-sisters. Well, it’s yuri – incest is just something you get used to. Except then it gets revealed that that was a fakeout, because Aoi’s dad was actually her dad’s best friend and her parents were in a throuple that the dad who raised her left behind to secretly raise Eve. Also her dad is Amuro Reiya and also Char Aznable is in this one? And the HG Turn A Gundam? Don’t forget to increment the Lesbian Cuckold clock up to five – Aoi herself and her poor caddy, who didn’t deserve a mysterious blonde swooping in like that.

Oh god I didn’t even mention Vipere, the slutty snake-themed bisexual underground mafia golfer (you know, for the underground golf mafia) who uses pheromones to control her opponents, gets outgolfed, and then shonen-rival style sticks around to help out whenever somebody needs a car (as the girls are too young to drive).

Shlock: Absolutely

Lesbian: Somehow

Watchability: High

Quality: Better than it had any right to be

Maria Holic

Content Warnings: Transphobia, Bad Taste, Fanservice

Kanako Miyamae is a hopeless hapless lesbian excited to attend Lily Yuri Girls Only Academy. She falls in love with a beautiful blonde girl, the queen of the school – and discovers her ideal gf is actually a boy crossdressing to attend the academy who wants nothing more than to torment her sexually.

Maria Holic works like this: Mariya wants something from Kanako, and wears a sexual little outfit/exposes his feet/blows her a kiss/strips his maid’s top off to control her through her sexuality or just because he feels like it and she falls over of anime nosebleed disorder before she remembers “oh right Mariya is a boy” and starts eating her own organs Pearl Steven Universe style. Occasionally a girl who calls herself god will say something uninteresting. Kanako has a little pervert fantasy about one of her classmates. The cast has a reference-heavy Studio Shaft Conversation. Kanako can’t get Mariya out of her head. God I had to retype every ‘him’ up there from a ‘her’ because there is no way that little bitch is anything but a girl – it just doesn’t stick in my head. They don’t make boys like that. Torturing a girl like that is a female trait.

If you don’t want to watch a lesbian get relentlessly edged by a brat this show may not be for you. In all honesty even with Studio Shaft direction I found this almost completely unwatchable but it does earn its slot here. If you want a good Studio Shaft yuri show? Go watch Madoka Magica or Hidasketch.

It does have an excellent opening though.

Shlock: High

Lesbian: Well it has at least one

Watchability: No

Quality: No

Re: Cutie Honey

Content Warnings: It’s Basically Just Porn At This Point. but god. Natsuko Aki

“Honey Flash!” yeah she sure does huh

Transforming android Honey Kisaragi fights against evil organization Panther Claw, with the reluctant help of her annoyed cop eventual bestie Na-chan. This is good, actually. Go watch it.

Seriously. The animation is so fun and vibrant! They do the super-cost-saving stills being moved thing in a very high-energy way that comes across as a reference to the original manga format and then every so often they’ll pull out absolutely incredible action sequences.

Look at this!!! Her triangular stompy steps! The super low line count on her as she slowly advances with the gun flying toward her hand! Her Go Nagai snarl!!!!! It’s a real treat for the eyes even without the naked women. There’s only so much “saving your best friend by the power of being naked and kissing” you can do before it stops being bait and starts just being They Are In Love.

Shlock: Absolutely

Lesbian: NATSUKO AKI

Watchability: High

Quality: Yeah

Akiba Maid War

Content Warnings: Genre-Typical, No Spoilers Don’t Worry About it

Go watch this right now.

Shlock: Less than you’d think

Lesbian: Yes

Watchability: Extreme

Quality: Genuine

A Very Specific Set Of Monogatari Arcs

Content Warnings: yeah that guy is sexually harassing that 11 year old and also that tiny little vampire and also both of his little sisters.

Show beloved by pretentious internet perverts.

Alright. You are going to watch Episodes 1-8 of Bakemonogatari Season 1, (skipping 3-5 depending on your tolerance for watching small girls getting sexually harassed) and then you are going to watch the five episodes of standalone arc Hanamonogatari, halfway through Season 2. If you really like Hanekawa, who is bisexual, watch 11-15, Neko Black and Neko White. If you really like animation, watch Kizu. Do not be tricked into thinking more of this show will be gay because Hanekawa and Senjougahara had sex in a shower once. If your goggles are really on tight, enjoy Nadeko Draw but you’ll have to sit through the previous Nadeko and Yotsugi arcs to get there and I can’t in good conscience recommend you do that.

Shlock: Less than you'd think

Lesbian: One

Watchability: SHAFT

Quality: Yes

[by-ilmater]

i'm going to start this post by apologizing, i don't know why i'm like this. i just like being annoying and pedantic about lore and narratives. i also need to stress that i am A Fan™ of lich emmrich (i wrote a fic where my mourn watch rook gets off to putting her hands inside his chest cavity so you could say i kinda dig him)

saw this post by @kirkwalls-hanged-man and i fully agree with it. there is no right or wrong way to make a choice in a video game, and someone choosing an option that you don't like does not make them a villain. it is also true that emmrich's lich ending is not a "bad end" in the traditional video game sense. emmrich's writer stated clearly that she wrote both his paths to be neither good or bad. i know many would argue that point, but i do think that's what she did. there's nothing in the game's ending that explicitly shows lichdom as a bad ending in the way that, for example, baldur's gate 3 does with god gale.

however

if we look at it outside of just the narrative of veilguard and consider it in the context of the greater dragon age canon, there is huge potential for it to become a bad ending.

lichdom, as far as i know, is a brand new concept in dragon age. we have never seen liches before veilguard (unless they're in some random side media i'm not familiar with) so we really have no idea what lichdom entails in this universe. additionally, the only real information we get about liches, lichdom, and the lich lords is filtered through emmrich. even if you play as a mourn watch rook, when emmrich first broaches the topic with them, they explain that they know of the concept of lichdom, but understand that it is purely theoretical. they are not even aware that liches can exist.

i think it's fair to say that in this situation, we can consider emmrich to be a very biased source. he has desired lichdom most of his life, it is his dream to achieve it. of course his view of it is going to be very positive. while he obviously accepts that there's pros and cons, he clearly idealizes the lich lords.

furthermore, if we look at what we know about nevarra as a country and the realities of their politics, the mortalitasi have a huge amount of political power. and this is not something about nevarra's history, it is current fact. the conversation mw rook can have with emmrich about king markus being undead is very funny, but it is also demonstrative of the level of influence necromancers have in nevarra. it stands to reason that this would go double for the lich lords, considering the intense secrecy of their existence. just because emmrich says that their job is to protect thedas from "dark things in creation" doesn't make it entirely true.

this is all in addition to the obvious potential for tragedy and darkness in any mortal/immortal relationship. but those things have already been discussed at length.

part of what i really enjoy about lich emmrich is that potential. and it's also why i totally understand people not liking it. but, once again, i'm not talking about the people casting judgment on other people's real life morals or ethics. let's knock that shit off, yeah?

[oacest]

fic: kenet, dragon!liam, 3.6K words

When Liam was little and did something to annoy Noel, whether it be stealing his stuff, whining, chattering, following him around everywhere, or generally just existing in his space, he used to tell him they weren't really brothers.

(This was before Liam's fire came in, before his explosive tantrums were a threat to the structural integrity of the council house.)

Liam was bad at school – his head was in the clouds years before he ever managed to wing his way up there. If he'd paid any attention to his special classes, he would've known Noel was only having him on, that it was one of those genetic fuck-yous that riddled their family. They had a grand uncle in County Mayo like Liam; he was locally famous for having a few too many and terrorizing pilgrims off Croagh Patrick.

As it was, it didn't take much to convince Liam he was adopted; it wasn't like Noel or Paul occasionally had a tail, now did they.

You're lying, Liam would moan. As if he wasn't already tearing up.

I ain't. Da won you in a card game. Pair of sevens was all he needed to bring you home.

It didn't matter to little Liam that their family was dirt poor and kind of awful; the idea of not really belonging to it filled him with an instinctive terror. Noel never knew if that was because of his condition or just being the baby of the family.

Of course it always backfired, because Liam would go running to Mam, and then she'd twist his ear for telling his little brother he came from an egg like one of them turtles down by Cringle Brook.

Noel pretty much forgot about it by the time they left Tommy and got the new house. The old taunt got buried under years of other insults and lies, under a mountain of reluctant fondness and occasional wonderment, and then other things.

By the time they were in Oasis, the fact of their brotherhood was not only obvious to anyone who looked at them, it was also central to every facet of their waking lives. It was the first thing people knew about either of them, which is a bit fucking much when you considered Liam occasionally shifted into a winged, fire-breathing creature the size of a fucking tank.

Nevertheless: Noel Gallagher, big brother to Liam. Liam Gallagher, little brother to the entire fucking country it sometimes seemed. But first and foremost Noel's.

So yeah, Noel forgot what he used to say.

Liam never did, though.

–------

Most dragons? Proper ugly fuckers. Bullish heavy foreheads and beady eyes, ill-formed features like they got jumbled about after a lifetime of being rearranged all the time in the shift. It's just one of the many ways Liam was blessed at birth that he seems to be the exception.

In some lighting you wouldn't even notice the faint iridescence of scales just under Liam's skin where it gets thin: the underside of his wrists, the imprint of his spine. The bleach of his knuckles when his hand is in a fist.

He has a slight pebbling at the ridge of his eye socket, but somehow through the magic of his brother that gets turned around into something beautiful too. Beautiful and occasionally terrifying.

Between the two of them, Noel is the one who looks like he'd be the dragon. But he's never been jealous, except for a brief stretch of years when he dreamed nonstop about what he'd do if he could grow bigger: if he could smash Tommy into bits or breathe fire, transform his entire ugly world into cinders.

He got over that, though. And Liam went on to live his life in such a way as no one could feel jealous of it.

1994

“Is it true you're telepathic?” asked the girl from Em Tee Vee. They were in some hotel room, where half these interviews seemed to take place.

Truth was, they used the hotel rooms because their schedule was so crazy, and also because Marcus hoped Liam would behave better if he was in a space he felt he could own. What Marcus or anyone had yet to understand was that Liam felt he owned any and every space he happened to be in at the time. And that he was hardly more likely to behave if Noel was present.

“No,” said Noel.

“'Course it is,” said Liam. He waved a hand between them and then at himself. Wiped his nose; the fire made his sinuses tingle sometimes. “But not – not like this.”

“Not ever,” said Noel firmly. Liam couldn't communicate in his other form; he could barely communicate in this one.

“He's lying,” said Liam. He took a drink from his pint, looking sullen. “I remember, when I was little and could still like, perch on his shoulder—”

“So when you were two?” said Noel, shaking his head at the girl.

“You let me do it until I was at least five. Anyway, I could talk to him then. Hear 'im in me head too. 'Course I did, how is a kid supposed to get on if he can't talk to anyone and he's hungry or, or gets lost up a tree or summat? But he stopped talking back. Now he never listens neither.”

“None of that is true,” said Noel, and the world believed him because the alternative was insane.

2015

Noel.

Noel.

Noel, Noely G, Noel Gallagher. You fuckin prick, let us in. Noel, you awake? Noel, I know you're awake, the cousins always drag us out when we're in Dublin. Nole. Noel! NOELNOELNOELNOEL—

He groaned and finally pushed up from his marvelous big bed. There was the not-lately-familiar feeling of someone trying to tweeze out thoughts from his head with a pair of serrated chopsticks, and he half-hunched over in pain as he made his way over to the window of the rented flat.

He dragged aside the floor-length curtain and grimaced up into the glowing blue eyes of his brother, who had somehow wedged his elephantine body into the narrow space of the balcony. The wrought iron railing was battered and bent outwards, the grill and wicker chairs toppled over. This was going to do wonders for Noel's reputation for partying.

He rubbed his eyes and considered shutting the curtains again.

Liam, as if he could read his thoughts (he couldn't), huffed a massive breath that caused half the glass door to immediately fog over, and then thumped his head against it. Once, twice. He blinked his massive eyes down at him.

Let me in, cunt.

“Why are you here?” he demanded as he slid the balcony door open. Liam's head immediately pushed inside, followed by his long neck. “Aren't you supposed to be in New York for court? What the fuck, Liam?”

Liam shook his head like a dog and wiggled forward a few more steps. Out on the balcony, the railing groaned and shrieked as his heavy, razorback tail slid free of it.

He shifted as he walked, because even those massive balcony doors wouldn't fit his shoulders. In a minute he was standing naked in the middle of Noel's bedroom, looking around like he'd never seen one before.

“What the fuck?” said Noel again for good measure.

“In the morning,” he grumbled, rolling his neck and already stepping towards the bed like it was his. “Man, 'm completely knackered.”

“Long day being unemployed and a wanker?” But he was tired too and, while he had long since learned that the path of least resistance did nothing to actually ameliorate their relationship, he couldn't be bothered when it was four in the morning and he had a busy schedule the next day.

He got back into bed and Liam wasted no time cuddling up, like they still did this all the time. As always, his chest was like a reactor core. It was like trying to sleep on a bed of hot coals.

“You're sneaking out tomorrow morning,” said Noel, shoving a pillow in the nonexistent space between their bodies for some insulation. “I mean it. Tour's only starting, and if I have to spend it talking about you drunkenly winging across Ireland sky-writing tweets instead of promoting my album, I'll kill you. I really will.”

Liam ducked his head and chewed on the corner of the pillow. “Your album,” he muttered, muffled. “I used to have albums. Loads of 'em. A lovely, bright collection.”

Noel rolled his eyes. He said nothing and hoped for sleep to instantaneously claim them both.

“And fans,” continued Liam mournfully around the pillow corner, which was starting to get singed. “And music every day.”

His eyes slid up the length of Noel's body, faintly glowing again. If he tried shifting and broke the bed, Noel would find this flat's fire extinguisher and spray its contents down his throat.

“You could still have all those things,” he pointed out, exhaustion masquerading as patience. “If you got off your ass and put your name on the line. You know, you'd think you'd want that – your name over everything.”

“That was always the difference between me and you,” said Liam. “Didn't need my name over something to know it was mine.”

He slid his knee forward and up over Noel's legs. His dick was a hard burning line against his thigh.

Noel chewed on his lip and held his breath for a long moment of possibility. It had been years since they did that. Stopping was probably part of the reason things got so bad; generally speaking, dragons did not like being told no. But it was the only way.

Noel had worked too hard to start saying yes again on some random night in March on the eve of his second world tour.

“Go to sleep,” he said, and he rolled over so his back was to him.

2018

People were too fucking precious about it these days, the way they were about everything. Fucking snowflake millennials. Suddenly naming something for what it was or describing how it fucks with your day was simply not on, apparently.

Back in the nineties, people would meet Liam, spend maybe half an hour with him, and come away wincing sympathetically at Noel for what he had to deal with all the time. Twenty years on, neither of them have changed and yet now Noel's the bad guy for simply stating Liam is obsessed and jealous and thinks even now that Noel is part of his—

“Ooh,” says Donald from Radio 2, “I don't think we should use that word.”

It takes a moment for Noel to realize which one he means. “What, hoard?” he says incredulously.

A click signals the producer on the other side of the glass has hit a button. Cathy's voice pipes into the booth. “It's considered othering, Noel.”

“Then it's doing its job, because my brother is as other as it fucking gets.”

“That – may be,” says Donald bracingly, “but our listeners are not, and we wouldn't want to blindside them.”

Blindside, fucking christ. As if they were not talking about the man who once went on a three-day bender and passed out in broad daylight in Notting Hill on Michael Hutchence's jag, crushing it.

Noel sits back and crosses his leg, then his arms for good measure. “What word should I use, then?”

Donald looked back through the glass to Cathy for guidance. They waited while she considered the question or, more likely, googled it.

Another staticky click and she came through, clearly reading off her phone, “People avoid the H-word because it puts the compulsion at the center of the experience. This can be avoided through the use of people-first language—”

“People-first language,” repeats Noel. “Well, there's your problem right there. Liam's not a person.”

There's a beat of silence and then Donald gives a short, uncomfortable laugh.

–---

Any-fucking-way, here is a list of everything Liam considers part of his hoard:

When he was really little, Noddy toys; thereafter their childhood bedroom and everything in it; Noel's apartment in India House; Noel's first apartment in London; a series of very stupid hats; every fucking song Noel ever wrote for Oasis, including the ones Noel kept back to sing himself; every fuzzy layering garment he has ever clapped eyes on through a shop window; Noel's time; Noel's attention; and lastly but also firstly and everything in between: Noel himself.

1996

It was probably really fucking dangerous, flying while they set off fireworks below. But Liam was off and running before anyone guessed what he was doing, and then it was too late to even worry. It was always too late to worry about Liam.

Anyway, after a show like that, everyone kind of thought he was untouchable. He'd make the universe bend around him.

The massive crowd continued to cheer; music poured from the speakers. Noel leaned against the fence and sipped his beer, watching along with everyone else for glimpses of his brother through the explosions and smoke overhead.

His chest felt like it was bursting full of warmth and light. He might start floating any second. He wondered if this was how Liam felt all the time.

1985

C'mon, wheedled Liam.

“Not a chance.” It was the fourth time he said it, and it was growing harder with the repetition to say it casually. He tried smiling at Diane, who was sitting on the park bench drinking a lemonade and managing to look absolutely stunning as she did it. She smiled back, sorta.

Liam put his head down like an anteater and started trotting at him. It took Noel a baffled second to realize he thought he could scoop him up like that. It was really embarrassing, but it would've been even more embarrassing if he succeeded, so Noel evaded him by darting and jumping behind a tree.

So then he was hiding behind a tree from his kid brother while his potential girlfriend watched. He hated his life sometimes.

A furnace blast of air ruffled Noel's hair as Liam wound his head around the tree. Why not? He sounded plaintive in Noel's head.

People who saw them only could see the surface of things. They saw a little guy getting harassed by a massive blue-green dragon with a lazy eye. And then they looked the other way, because that's what everyone in the world did when things were happening to little guys.

“The last time we tried flying, I damn near broke me arm,” he said, pressing back again the bark like he could become one with the tree. “I said never again, and I meant it.”

I was ten. My balance is way better now. I been practicing.

“Practicing with who?” he scoffed.

Girls, mostly. But Polly Lynch let me take her guinea pig up once. I reckon if a guinea pig can manage it, so can you.

“Oh, that's just what Mam needs, you killing some poor girl and making us pariahs in the neighborhood.”

Liam nosed forward and chucked his chin with his snout. Not gonna kill nobody. Told you, I'm good at it.

“Answer's still no.”

Why not? I wanna show you things, like Black Chew Head and this one geezer's office in City Tower, you won't believe it, he's got a whole wall full of—

“You ain't supposed to be going into the city,” says Noel sharply. “How many times we gotta tell you that, you'll get in trouble. There's rules, Liam.”

Liam chucked his chin again, but more roughly this time. Noel could feel the sting of scraped skin along his neck and clapped a hand to it, grimacing and cursing.

His little brother stepped back, long tail shambling in a large circle over the park lawn as he turned his back on Noel.

Unease trickled in, too late. Noel started after him. “Liam!”

If you're not coming with, you don't get to tell me what to go.

And then he was taking off with a heavy, sulky beat of wings. Noel and Diane watched him go. He favored his right side, listing badly. Better balance his arse, thought Noel. He would've killed Noel for sure.

“What did he say?” she asked.

He shook his head. “Nothing, I don't – I don't know. He can't talk when he's like that.”

“Oh.” She seemed surprised. “But I thought—”

“What?” he asked, real fast (too fast).

She looked at him in steady appraisal. Eventually, she shrugged and said, “Nothing. I just thought you could hear him, is all. Your mam made it sound like you could. Said you were the only one.”

Noel looked back at the sky, where Liam was only a small dot now. He was going too high.

“I'm a good guesser, is all,” he said.

2019

He didn't need the tell-tale shadow or the sound of beating wings overhead to know his brother had just left. It was obvious from the scorch marks spelling out CUNT in the lawn. The letters were large and crooked, somehow identical to his scrawl when he signed something for a fan. The T was still actively on fire in two spots.

It was just as well Sara and the kids weren't here yet and wouldn't be until the end of the week. The Hampshire house was still mostly empty. Noel was only out there to oversee the relocation of some of his more precious items (that is, his guitars).

He walked across the lawn, already hearing his wife's voice in his head: this has gone too far, we need to get a restraining order, he's dangerous, can't you see he's not well? How are we supposed to sleep like this? What about the boys, what if he takes the boys? After the things he's said and now he's over here proving he knows exactly where to find us?

The problem is, Liam will always know where to find him. There's nothing he can do about that, short of murder and/or suicide. He's only not done at least the former because the mere thought of the Cain and Abel references in all the headlines and book titles and documentaries made him disgusted.

Noel stamped out the two small fires and wiped his shoes on the grass to get the ash off. He took out his phone and made two calls standing there in the center of the lawn. The first was to his landscaper.

The second was to his mother.

2006

They had told Liam from the very beginning he needed to take special care with his voice, because of his condition; the fire was harsh on his larynx, made the cartilage more brittle. But Liam said fuck you, first just in his head, and then in Noel's, and then a few times aloud to anyone who dared tell him how to live his life over the years. And now that voice was gone: shredded and hoarse, you'd never guess what he used to be able to do with it.

“What do you mean, you're going on tour without me?” he said. They were in his local in Primrose Hill, in a corner booth. Noel had wanted to break the news somewhere familiar, so Liam wouldn't destroy the place if things went really poorly.

“It's not a tour,” he said, downplaying it like that has ever made a difference. “It's a few acoustic shows. I've always done those on the side.”

Liam shook his head. “But not like this, not as a tour.” He sat back, putting his arm over the back of the booth. His eyes traveled over the room, already seeing past Noel to the ranks of invisible enemies lying in wait.

Like a fool, Noel leaned forward to reason with him. “Look, it's to promote our album. You cannot possibly have a problem with this. I promote the album, you don't have to do nish, we both rake in the money.”

“Fuck the money,” said the man who's been a millionaire for a third of his life. “You're running off with my shoes, trying them on for size. Well, I think you'll find they're too big for you, little man.”

Noel tapped the table. “Right.” And then, to himself, “Why the fuck did I even bother.”

“Yeah, why did you?” he asked as Noel began sliding out of the booth. “I'll tell you why – you wanted to be able to say to people, I gave him fair warning. But I see through you. I got that third eyelid, brother, I'm always watching.”

He informed him, “I didn't have to tell you anything, actually. I don't need your permission to tour and, as I won't be dealing with your sulking on the road, your cooperation is also irrelevant. But I thought you deserved to hear it from me, that you might handle it like an adult and not a puffing little skink.”

For some reason, this is what cause Liam to flip his colours. His arm shot out and he grabbed Noel's wrist in his hot little hand.

He stood there looking down at it, for some reason not pulling away immediately.

“My voice is recovered from the spring, if that's what this is,” said Liam quietly. “I'm ready to go, Noel. Just name the date. I could do Knebworth tomorrow, man, you know I could.”

Despite a lifetime of proof that it wasn't any good, sometimes Noel caught himself wishing they could speak telepathically like this. Maybe it would be better, if it were these eyes he was looking into, this hand he was holding, when he lied and told him it wasn't about his voice.

[lewdcaxycatalogue]

I get that different sexualities mean you'll find some people and things attractive and some not.

But don't use your sexuality as an excuse to be an asshole.

I'm a trans woman. I attend a virtual reality club night in vrchat every other week.

This club night I attend is NSFW. Explicitly so. Nude avatars with various genitalia.

I use a female avatar, with all the bells and whistles that come with that.

Things I have seen at this club during these NSFW nights (ALL anthro btw, unless otherwise specified, it's a Furry club):

A 3ft tall lion with balls bigger than his head and a sheath the size of his pinky, that grows into a cock bigger than he is

A wolf standing at 9ft tall, with a dick half that length, and balls the size of beach balls, with muscles to make Broly jealous.

An anime e-boy in full latex except for his dick which is out and VERY proud

A dog giving head to a coyote in thigh highs on the dance floor

Two rexouiums talking about irl clubs they've gone to, while fucking both ends of a dragon in one of the dance cages above the DJ booth

A truth or dare game that devolved into a massive orgy between four rexouiums, two hobkins, a pair of twins in dog avatars, and a taidum

Do you know what else I've seen at these club nights?

A cishet female being told "No thanks, vag is gross" by a dragon, who then turned around and went to a private room to have sex with the DJ who just got done playing...who is openly afab (enby, no operation desired, according to the chats I've had with them)

A transfem in a group of six people being ignored during a big group cuddle session (nothing lewd, literally just honest cuddles). Watched them try to get in on it several times (after being INVITED to come chill with the group) and each time, the others would adjust so that they weren't touching them.

I myself, a transfem, rarely get attention from folks at these events (partly my fault, I don't reach out), but on the rare event that I did once, a male avatar walked up to me (I discovered later from the club owner, a friend of theirs, that he was transmasc) and asked me if I wanted to go to a private room. I said I would think about it, and as soon as he heard my voice he said "Oh, nevermind, I thought you were a girl."

And those are just the most egregious cases of it. The club is mostly attended by amabs, who treat afabs like they're gross, and back off as soon as they learn you're transfem, if you are amab.

And even the transmascs get hesitant or turn you down if you're not cisgender.

It's not a universal experience, if it was then I wouldn't go to the club anymore.

But it fucking HURTS to hit it off with someone, ask if they want to have a little fun, and then be rejected because "Oh, no thanks, you're trans, I don't fuck trans", or see someone else be turned down because "ew vagina gross"

I don't CARE what your sexuality is; be fucking respectful about it, and if someone isn't what you expected, but they made ZERO EFFORT to hide it from you, and in fact PUT IN EFFORT to make it known, and you got upset because you were too busy thinking "oh yeah gonna fuck my type" and they aren't?

And then you say something as rude as "Oh, I thought you were a girl" to someone in a female avatar, with a transgender pride pin on her shirt, and a literal badge that says "she/her" on it, just because she's amab and has a masculine voice? Or look an afab in the eyes and say "Oh I don't fuck vag, vag is gross" and then GO AND FUCK VAG IMMEDIATELY after saying that?

Burn. In. Hell.

You can turn someone down and adhere to your sexuality without being a piece of shit about it.

[twistedisciple]

Because of—? Clawed fingers uncurled and stilled in anticipation, even though Griss didn’t know exactly what it was he was anticipating. That Lord Rafal might touch on something his own tongue could — would not and drag it to the surface along with all that they’d stirred up? Like the confused whirlwind of emotion and violence that had all but dismantled the supply closet, his own feelings had come out muddied. The dog that chewed up its owner’s shoes did so for entertainment, for attention, never for malice, because it had no concept of things like jealousy and resentment. Had no need of them. So what was this? Why did he hold a tattered fistful of a maid uniform he could have very well ridiculed in one piece, if he wanted? Because of—

His fist cinched tighter, twisting the points of knuckles up underneath the dragon’s chin as he leaned in closer, his eyes dark and hard over the brightness of a toothy smile. A smile that, with the crimson stain that curled around its left corner shrouded by shadow, could have looked like Gregory’s. And maybe he’d tried to make it so.

Say it.

But the sudden waterfall snapped the tension like a wire, and with startled gasp, Griss recoiled like he’d just been woken abruptly from sleep. He ran his hands down his face, rubbing the water away from his eyes and shaking his head almost like a dog that had just come in from the rain.

“Who the hell leaves—“ Recognizing the pointless stupidity of the question stopped it short. The answer was: it didn’t matter what the workers of this cafe did with their water. “Forget it. That’s not gonna fix the fact both of us are soaked now.”

Dragging his fingers through his hair and out of his face, he blinked at Lord Rafal as if seeing him again for the first time. Whatever they’d been talking about a second ago felt as distant as a dream, even though the aftermath sat all around them - the ruined clothes, the affronted dragon, and the hound still picking lace out from beneath its teeth. A ribbon, crushed, fell from his loosened fist to the puddle beneath their feet.

“How’re you gonna go out there like that? This is a job, yeah?” Like the disregarded ornament, Griss was all too hurried to shake off and abandon the doubt that had hooked itself into his skin. The frown that overtook the devil’s smile he’d worn a few seconds ago was not altogether mean, or offended, or even hurt, and it wasn’t even really directed at Lord Rafal either. Something had changed, irreparably, and he frowned because he didn’t know yet the extent of it. Or if the shoe he’d chewed to pieces had, in fact, been a precious, irreplaceable relic.

“Look, I was doin’ ya a favor. Why’s a self-respecting fell dragon parading in a cutesy get-up like that anyway? Anyone who saw you was probably gonna laugh their ass off.”

✦ 𝐌𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐆𝐑𝐈𝐒𝐒'𝐒 𝐃𝐑𝐀𝐆𝐎𝐍 𝐌𝐀𝐈𝐃 ✧

Mission Board: Anniversary, any point +1

[moongothic]

While I do believe it's likely the reason Dragon never contacted Croc after The Divorce was because things didn't go As Intended (/shit just went Bad) (or they kept their distance for security reasons, not wanting to risk being found out etc)

There is that Funny Alternative that the reason Dragon never contacted Crocodile and warned him about their son having become a pirate with a bounty and having entered the Grand Line, was because Dragon just assumed Crocodile would be able to recognize Luffy right away because "they're so similar" and that it'd be "a nice surprise" if they ran into each other

[vaguely-concerned]

lucanis truly has a near terminal case of burned out golden child syndrome. caterina fucked both of these kids over so incredibly bad with the dynamic she enforced there, with illario being labled the perpetual fuckup kid where lucanis 'could do no (would never be allowed to do) wrong'. the way he admits in the first coffee date scene that the only thing that happened when he showed he could carry the weight of expectation was that more weight was added makes me so sad. you can hear it in caterina's voice in his intro mission that she's incredibly proud of him, but this is clearly a leandra and hawke situation where that pride never translates into relief or resolution or unconditional warmth or understanding or anything that really helps.

[s4ndg3m]

@comvi would be careful because he might......

GET YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dont worry its all jokes. it wont use teeth just gum on your arm. since ur dragon he wont take it from u... yet.... hehehekekekekeeeee..!!

[alongtidesoflight]

so here's my honest thoughts on dragon age: the veilguard, after ~40 hours of playing. i finished the main quest after having finished all companion quests and major faction quests. just to clear up what content i saw, i played as an elven transmasc rook who is a member of the lords of fortune. he romanced lucanis (although after finishing the game i'm now leaning towards taash). i don't know what's happening in playthroughs that have a different race, gender identity, romance or faction going on.

full spoilers ahead, i mean it. don't read further if you want to avoid them. i don't want complaining about it in my asks.

oh and also, if you're worried because of a few negative reviews online i can comfort you by saying don't give a fuck about a certain big name youtuber who is very much tied to bethesda franchises giving this a negative review. i'll explain why.

i'm starting off with the things i liked

the game looks really pretty. i was worried it wouldn't feel like thedas anymore (with them trying to "focus on northern thedas only" i thought they'd make a clear cut in environmental design. they do and they don't. it's complicated. i'll elaborate on it when talking about the negative stuff). anyway it does. minrathous feels like kirkwall. treviso enchanted me like the winter palace did. the hossberg wetlands reminded me of the hinterlands and a couple other inquisition maps. arlathan looked like... arlathan. the crossroads were different, but familiar. overall i like the way it looks and feels. it's thedas, with a twist. it's a good one, and gives everything a solid but unique feel.

combat is top tier. if you're a hardcore dragon age player you WILL miss the tactical aspect of it for a bit, but i promise you, once you're used to the way the combat works, you will be lapping that shit up. and once you get to ability combos you'll mourn the control you used to have over your companions in battle a bit less

the MAIN quest and its story. i expected worse, way worse. and for a while the game even had me tricked (harr harr you'll get it in a second) it is Really That Much Worse. but holy shit was it good. i walked away satisfied ngl.

your choices have SOLID weight. there's consequences, good AND bad. i got minrathous blighted, ruled over by venatori, and the leader of the shadow dragons ultimately died because of my decisions. i made those at the beginning and throughout the game. he died at the end. DAVRIN died because i didn't expect what i was saying to have that much weight. i thought i was in the clear. he had hero status. well turns out, your choices can still get your companions killed even if you do everything right. i fucking love him. he shouldn't have made that sacrifice just because i told him to do everything it takes once.

the inquisitor, morrigan and dorian being there, surprisingly. there's also negatives to this though, see below.

speaking of companions dying and the inquisitor playing a bigger role: the final quest feels like me2's suicide mission. i was blown away by it and the fact that i got to see the results of all my efforts playing out in front of me.

bioware are NOT trying to redeem solas. they love him as a character yes, but i wasn't forced to see any good in him. he betrays you. he fucked my rook over twice. he fucked him over right back, for good this time (the veil wasn't torn down, i anchored it by binding him to it, he's doomed to uphold it). but solas really lives up to his name as the trickster elven god. rip to all the people who grew really attached to him over the years.

varric died. if you like him that's probably as hard reading it as it was watching it. varric died and the game lies about it until the very end. when the realisation hits, it hurts. but in the very best way.

the amount of care they put into gender expression and trans identities this time around. (i'll add onto this with negative points as well too).

rook feels very much ingrained in the world of thedas. he doesn't ask questions that expose the player to lore through dialogue as if he's stepped foot into thedas for the first time. those conversations feel very solid and good. i hope other faction players got as much joy out of this as i did.

and the things i didn't like and boy there's a lot unfortunately

the music. let's just get that out of the way holy shit. it doesn't feel like it belongs in this universe. it gets so incredibly sci-fi-y at times you'd think it's taken straight from mass effect andromeda. there's not a single song unique to veilguard that i really enjoyed. it broke my immersion, real bad. hearing a busker play the tavern songs from inquisition on a lute right after i killed some venatori with wobbly bass songs playing in the background is just odd. weird tonal shift. don't like it. it's made for people who like flashy light-weight cinema.

tevinter nights is required reading. the podcasts are required listening exercises. the game is so fast paced, especially at the start, that there's no time to introduce you to characters and how much weight their names carry in-game. i would not have known who half these people are if i hadn't skimmed over tevinter nights. i'd care even less about them than i already did. there is no time to get properly attached to them. people will act as if you're talking to a legend personified and you'll be thinking man goddamn which chapter of tevinter night were they in again and what did they do???

there's a weird mismatch with the animations. you'll have beautifully fluid ones, like emmrich casting spells. and then you'll have rook's face animating in the most unnatural manner that's sorta reminiscent of mass effect andromeda's "my face is tired" addison, when their emotions SHOULD be landing with the player rn instead.

i'm not vibing with the art style. sometimes it works. most of the time it doesn't. at points i felt like i was watching tangled.

that also brings me to some of the dialogue. same issue. i am watching frozen. i am watching tangled. someone on the writer's team really likes the adorkable trope. bellara is its victim.

for all the talk about identity, bioware sure doesn't like theirs. the grey warden armor got a redesign again and it just makes them look like a generic army. i hate it lol

in general, i don't like the armor design. the wardrobe/appearances system is fine, but it's just not helping if all the armors are just... kinda bland or downight bad looking? and don't get me started on the lords of fortune armor. that is orientalism personified.

the world states should have been carried over, full stop. i know they said they didn't because they want to separate what happens in the north from what happens in the south, which... i could have lived with that. but the inquisitor sends you letters that keep you up to date on... the south of thedas. you learn that there's a blight again, that people are standing strong but it's difficult, denerim's fallen, the rulers are taking care of it, orlais is fighting and they're successful for a while, etc etc. what's good bioware. i thought we don't care about the south this time around. why are you feeding me so much boring generic information. if you're not gonna show any of it and just write letters, then carrying the world state over should not have been an issue. i have a game dev background. those few lines of code would not have broken your budget or pushed your engine's limits. fuck right off.

this gripe of mine carries over to all the cameos. as a lord of fortune you have to deal with isabela a lot. it's fun. i missed her. you get to go drinking with her and taash and bellara! also my hawke romanced her. she's not mentioned once. they had the opportunity to put a sentence or two about her in there with not a lot of effort, trust me.

when varric dies, all she has is a single line about it. for gold, for fortune, for varric. she only says it if you interact with her on your way to the final push. that's not mandatory.

morrigan is there. kieran isn't. the old god soul that mythal and then solas absorbed? who cares at this point, the gods are dead now and solas is locked away for eternity. i suppose? why is morrigan there. she feels unneeded. i wish they'd just left her down south, at least that way i wouldn't have had to witness her god awful redesign.

dorian at least feels as if he belongs in this story. the shadow dragons are a crucial part to protecting minrathous. he's also weirdly underutilised. isabela and morrigan had more lines than him in my playthrough.

on the topic of romance: bro that was underwhelming. no, genuinely. you know when romance picked up a bit? after the point of no return. i heard maybe two lines of companion banter about it before that. maybe i missed something which i honestly doubt, but romance did not play much of a role in lucanis's storyline. i saved his grandmother as he wished me to (and if you read tevinter nights you know she was rather abusive and their relationship not the healthiest) and told him to focus on his family. a reunified family my rook wasn't even introduced to as a partner at the end of all that.

really, do not buy this game if you're only in it for the romances. others might be better, lucanis's basically gave me nothing. except for an outing (the second coffee date i had with him, it was getting repetitive) all of it played out once i committed to the final quest. the sex scene was a fade to black. annoyingly right after davrin died. if you're looking for well paced and good spice, pick up something else. the sweet talk and the final goodbye were nice though.

for all the good the ever-presence of gender identity does, it is brought up in such a disruptive manner too. it doesn't even play out naturally if you CHOOSE the lines that are meant to be said. hearing the words trans and non-binary in this setting doesn't feel right, and i'm saying this as a trans guy. i think it could have been handled more gracefully. the amount of times my rook went "i'm a MAN" as if he's about to start drumming on his chest and roaring any second now got super nerve-grating. "i'm so glad you're into me... the me who is trans. remember?" just. tell me one trans person who'd talk like that to a person they've grown close with and are trying to romance. this game doesn't handle sexuality well, so all this hey my body might not look like the way you're expecting it to look talk amounts to nothing anyway. i feel about this the way i feel about krem: this is partial exposition to trans experiences... packaged up for cis consumption. the ONLY exception to that is interacting with taash. holy shit was all of that heartwarming and bro did it feel good and natural to talk to them about theirs and rook's gender.

rivain and nevarra are new locations added by veilguard. they're also incredibly underwhelming, small and constricted maps. rivain is a coastline with a few ruins. the hall of valor is a partial ruin nestled into a cave on a beach, with a fighting pit. isabela is there in her skimpy outfit commentating your pit fights. that's it. i'm sorry if you were looking for a bustling pirate cove or whatever. you're not gonna get it. the nevarran crypts btw are a long ass dungeon crawl. that's it.

speaking of maps. i thought people were being dramatic when they said you're gonna be fighting the same enemies on them again and again. i thought they were figure of speeching it. they're not. you WILL fight the same amount of enemies. in the same spot. every time you reload the map. best to stay on a map and clear out the enemies and do as much questing on that map as you can before leaving, because you WILL have to do it all over again once you return.

the three choices i made for my inquisitor didn't matter lol she didn't have to face solas and therefore couldn't stop him at any cost as she had sworn (maybe because my rook tricked solas into binding himself to the veil, there was also an option to fight him. would she have stepped in? who knows). blackwall wasn't mentioned. and either her using a small amount of her forces in the final fight was the reason the civilians of minrathous fared so well..... or it just didn't matter. ultimately i think she had very little impact on anything

[moeblob]

Rey, who is in my very biased opinion, one of the funniest "girls" I have because she's just a guy, truly. Like Rey is just short for Reynold because he was recruited by a a goddess to help the hero she selected and the hero is conveniently Reynold's younger brother. So he agrees to help under the condition that the goddess gives him a female body for the other world. She's like "really odd flex but whatever" and gives him a female form and he's like "you know. I can't really blame anyone but myself for not specifying 'please don't turn me into a Lisa Frank personification'."

[edwinisms]

I know how it sounds at first, but I really gotta feel bad for the boys that sacrificed edwin; I mean even the term “sacrificed edwin” paints them in a more sinister light than they really deserve– considering that wasn’t really, actually their intention.

they were bullies, they were homophobic (and/or were self loathing gay boys themselves taking it out on edwin, or were equally likely peer pressured into acting a certain way), they planned something stupid and mean to do to an innocent, anxious boy with the goal of scaring the shit out of him, all because he was effeminate and an easy target. but they didn’t know or expect any of the ritual stuff to be real. they were all laughing and joking during the ritual because it was just that to them– a joke. a cruel joke, but a joke.

teenagers can be mean and stupid and they usually regret it as adults and grow out of it / grow from it. they were stifled the chance to grow out of it, at least while alive. none of those boys deserved to be instakilled and sent to hell; they’re really not that much less deserving than edwin himself. they were all just kids, after all.

[mourn-and-watch]

one thing that especially irks me about cullen's so-called redemption is the attempts to redeem him through cole's words.

templars' abuses affected cole so badly it damaged his connection to the fade and his own nature. he was a spirit of compassion and witnessing what was happening in white spire turned him into a killer. he murdered lord seeker lambert in cold blood for what he did and most of the time he doesn't regret it — and then he just. drops the "he's not like the other girls" lines about cullen.

and this is such a lazy and annoying move. another thing that is established about cole is that you particularly can't lie to him — about your real feelings and intentions at least. whatever he states about other characters must be true and it is often used as a tool to deepen the characterizations of the main cast and in cullen's case it is just. blatant apologism. there's literally a banter where cole talks about atrocities commited by the templars and then he adds "oh no but cassandra and cullen aren't like that" and never elaborates. the game itself doesn't elaborate either.

like please don't tell me that the spirit who was shaken by knowledge that an innocent boy can die from starving because his jailors simply forgot about him would look in the eyes of a person who used to be meredith fucking stannard's right hand and still thinks that her methods were just a little too harsh but necessary and justified and say yeah. this guy is such a friend of mages. if only there were more templars like him

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s5 episode 5 thoughts

it’s been a few days. and you KNOW what i’m craving!!! 

ohhhh this episode… so i’ve heard about this one before. specifically it was brought up a lot when i voiced my complaints with small potatoes, with a lot of commenters comparing it to this episode. so that doesn’t fill me with a sense of joy and anticipation.

well, i had a nice day. the only way out is through. let’s see if this makes me as mad as small potatoes, shall we?

(author's note: i have many, many questions. i mean i can tell that this was an homage to old spooky movies but beyond that: huh?)

why now in the series? who came up with this? why do multiple episodes explore the concept of forced impregnation as something silly and harmless? why did the agents look so good in black and white? have they danced together before? do you believe in life after love?

let us take it from the top.

we begin with a comic book, it seems? inside is a black and white scene. is this whole episode in black and white? i looked at the image for the episode and it was black and white, too

this guy izzy is trying to go to a comic book convention, but his mom said she’ll kick him out. damn. being a nerd is hard. is this taking place in the distant past or something? well, the cars look older too.

(it was not taking place in the distant past... also, i thought izzy's mom, mrs. berkowitz, was mean at first because she joked about kicking him out, but she was actually the best character in this episode) 

later that night we see their home, including a photo of izzy with a pig, but she’s watching jerry springer. which seems anachronistic to the black and white setting. it’s an episode about a hairy baby. while the windows are being covered up with a sort of striped tent??? and something is smoking. 

enter cher???? no, enter someone else as cher plays. i do like when they put music in the episodes.

mom is coughing while a man with two faces comes to get her???

i mean, okay, the song slaps. i am unfamiliar with the work of cher and i was jamming out to it, even if i had no idea what was really going on except that maybe izzy made a frankenstein dupe in a comic, and it somehow came to life and hurt his mom. sure. why not?

the intro was shortened... you still can’t fool me.

the whole episode is in black and white????

OH GOD. this lady felt a presence in the room, woke up three days later and was pregnant??? with izzy??? 

so frankenstein is the father????? and it happened again??? and she heard cher when it went down??? man. man what.

scully is reading this letter… LMAO mulder was mentioned on the jerry springer show episode about the wolf baby, which is how she found him <- BAHAHA this cannot be good for his covert work!!!! 

her name is mrs. berkowitz and she is pouring our agents a soda as they enter her home. it is very kind to offer them caffeine as they rely so heavily upon it. and she wants to know about the wolf baby. it feels very weird to hear mulder do the medical talking.

WHAT THE HELL??? she is somehow pregnant again despite having a tubal ligation…. hey what. how is she not losing her mind? scully looks utterly gagged. 

the camera work here is so different, there are these intense closeups on the character with a sort of fisheye effect, it's both off-putting and cool

mrs. berkowitz says mulder knows what is happening, but he says he’s not even sure if he believes in aliens anymore??? he has to be lying. or does he actually believe that everything was faked as put forth by the redux trilogy? i thought he saw through that when he told CSM to go fuck off. also, i KNOW he is not dead.

sorry, but scully looks so good in black and white and a pinstriped suit. ohhhh my god.

anyway, scully says hmm, your description of the intruder is funny... because it MATCHES THIS COMIC BOOK CHARACTER FROM IZZY’S ROOM!!

izzy created that comic book character… so the plot is thickening??? 

enter izzy. we must confront him with this fact. he says that he’s seen “the great mutato” too, and that plenty of people have!! is he hanging in the neighborhood?? doing evil activities??? he's like, a real guy? and not some mysterious intruder???

cut to izzy outside with a peanut butter sandwich, luring in the beast

“i think what we’re seeing here is an example of a culture for whom daytime talk shows and tabloid headlines have become a reality against which they measure their lives- a culture so… so obsessed by the media and a chance for self-dramatization that they’ll do anything in order to gain a spotlight” (twirling my hair... kicking my feet a little... hey scully...)

“i am alarmed that you would reduce these people to a cultural stereotype” <- YEAH YOU TELL HER MULDER ‼️

they’re fighting about if this is possible or not and frankly i think they should just kiss about it 

(about the rumors, he says:) “but nonetheless unverifiable, and therefore true in the sense that they’re believed to be true” hey. when they talk all academic?? i'm swooning.

and they’re soooo close as they're fighting over all of this <3

“is there anything that you don’t believe in, mulder?” <- i was really looking forward to hearing him answer that, but no!! a distant moaning cut him off!!

scully….. oh my god…….. nothing to note here in terms of plot, she’s just pretty

the great mutato EMERGES for his sandwich!! and mulder is in trackstar mode absolutely SPRINTING, coat billowing behind him as thunder crackles and his long long legs carry him into the woods. and scully is fast too, but he is so much faster it’s actually funny. that man was made to run. absolute horse DNA

oooooo spoooooky, mulder is running after the great mutato into the woods with scully not too far behind, and they can’t find him!!

BAHAHA the old school movie effects are kinda endearing. mulder pointing “there!” and then a dramatic crash of thunder revealing a silhouette… yeah, i giggled 

i’m not well versed enough in old movies to understand all of these references, but i bet they had the horror girlies losing their minds 

but it’s just some guy walking a pig?? telling them to gtfo. well!

guy with pig sends them to his son???? who i later learned is named dr. pollidori. and who has a newspaper article about some experiment he did. this guy is looking like a stereotypical mad scientist. “my father is a simpleton farmer. he understands nothing of my scientific achievements” <- okay nerd, let’s not get in a science-off with dr. scully… also, let's not be mean to your dad!!

this mad scientist dr. pollidori says he is going to remembered for his incredible discovery of the “homeotic hox gene” and i hope he is taken down by scully. i hope she disproves every single thing he says. and then spits on him. fuck this guy for real.

i paused to write that down and she’s smiling at mulder behind this evil doctor’s shoulders :,)

mad scientist dr. pollidori tries to pull the whole “oh, let’s have scully explain my incredibly advanced research” card, further proving his evil tendencies, and she says it has something to do with growth. which is more than i could say.

he says he has to leave to go to an important international talk and she hits him with “sir, unless you want your scientific achievements to end up as a footnote on the jerry springer show, i suggest that you make the time” <- DAMN, GET HIM AGAIN FOR ME!!! i love when she puts people in their place.

i love this sort of "fishbowl/actors looking right into the camera" angle, because they look so cool standing like that. and i want to draw them like this, but i can’t draw. so i will just admire them instead. yeahhhh. they look cool as hell.

so it seems that what this mad scientist fellow dr. pollidori does is torture fruit flies and act mysterious? while thunder crashes about. kind of a sick gig aside, from the fly torture, but i could be mysterious and be way nicer. i could be a friendly mad scientist. i know a few of those, and they’re fascinating people!

so he fucked up some fruit flies and gave them legs in their mouths. that is rude as hell.

mulder asks “why would you do that?” (we were all thinking it) and mad scientist dr. pollidori says “because i can” with another crash of thunder. throw him to the dungeons at once!!! 

dr. pollidori says "it" (editing genes to put legs in mouths) could theoretically be done in humans. scully tries to assure mulder this really isn’t the case, and it’s not quite that easy, but mulder isn’t so sure

“given the power, who could resist to create life in his own image?”, mulder asks <- honey, you just need a cat. you’re not ready for a child yet. i know you want one so badly, but you sleep on the couch. it's just not the right time.

ohhh she got him with just that LMAOOOO “we already have that ability, mulder; it’s called procreation” <- i am very attuned to scully, as you can clearly tell by me anticipating that line

she says she’s going to really see if mrs. berkowitz is pregnant tomorrow... i did not know that this was a service scully could provide. but i guess i should have assumed.

dr. pollidori has a wife??? her name is elizabeth. she wants to talk to him about children?????? but he says “you know how i feel about children” okay well elizabeth seems too good for you anyway, so??

“what happened to our dream?” “i think that’s your dream” <- BABE LEAVE HIM!!! FUCK THE MAILMAN!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!

everything is so incredibly 1950’s coded in this scene, down to her little apron

i’m picking up a sword for elizabeth, why are you being so mean to her, mad scientist dr. pollidori!!!!!!!!!!! NO, SHE’S CRYING!!!!!!!!! DIVORCE, BABES, DIVORCE!!

but something is at the window?? NO!! STAY AWAY FROM HER, GREAT MUTATO, SHE’S HAD ENOUGH!!

diner time with the agents. seems the whole town is there and they are smiling at them. in an unsettling manner. oh lord, why is MULDER so good looking in black and white too?? someone put me down like a rabid dog.

awww, scully finds a newspaper and it mentions their FBI stuff… who snitched on them!!! :(

mulder is presented with an IMMENSE amount of food (he only wanted coffee!) on behalf of JJ (that’s with two J's), and i still can’t figure out the vibe here, because on one hand we’ve got spooky silly mad scientist dr. pollidori, and on the other hand we have a rapist monster so. like?? hey???

some reporter character next to mulder is writing down everything he says and does. and this waitress gets right in his face to ask if jerry springer is coming to town. i’m uncomfy, you’re uncomfy, we’re all uncomfy.

so the newspaper article had everything they said last night word for word!!! who was sneaking around?? other than that person who was just sneaking over mulder’s shoulder, but we had not seen before??

izzy is being questioned for potential recording of their conversation and they’re sticking their heads in one at a time LMAOOOO. mrs. berkowitz has had ENOUGH of izzy's shenanigans!

he pulls out a tape recorder, and their whole conversation from the night before was on there!!! and then mulder rewinds, and they hear the cher song???? what!!! how is this connected??? and they hear a voice singing along!!! it’s the great mutato!!! he wasn't even there when that happened!!!

SO WHO WAS RECORDING EVERYTHING?????

the great mutato is dancing around in the doctor’s house!!!!!

LMAOOOOO mulder’s spouting frankenstein analysis in relation to this case (hey. call me btw) and scully hits him with the “mulder, i’m alarmed you would reduce this man to a literary stereotype” <- yeah the roasting should be mutual

he asks who else would go to such lengths to get mrs. berkowitz pregnant, and she’s looking around as if she has to gently break the news to him that "well, mulder, certain men love to hurt women", etc etc

scully is reading mrs. berkowitz’s file as they drive off, and everything DOES look true, both the tubal ligation and the pregnancy!!! when mulder starts driving the car backwards???

WE GET ANOTHER CHER SONG MOMENT as they run into a house that is covered with a tent!!! like we saw before at the very beginning with mrs. berkowitz!!! i think it’s dr. pollidori's house!!! and it’s filled with smoke!!! 

the girls (the agents) are breaking in!!! have we considered that scully should get out of here considering what happened last time we saw this exact scenario go down????? she’s coughing!!!!

mulder emerges from nearby, but nooooo!! they both collapse!!!!!! and the pig guy/dr. pollidori's father from before has a gas mask and says there ain’t no monster!!! HUH??

dr. pollidori comes back to his home a few days later, and poor mulder and scully and elizabeth are on the floor in a heap, looking terribly hung over from this gassing. they must have been out for like three days!!!

mulder says out loud that he thinks that he thinks dr. pollidori's wife elizabeth was impregnated, which is crazy to say btw, but elizabeth seems deeply excited at the fact. and then he tries to stand up and confront dr. pollidori, but he crashes into some stuff. and people are so right, mulder IS my baby girl. 

scully, meanwhile, is explaining that she thinks this is all some big hoax.

but mulder!!! he finds a frying pan!! and mrs. berkowitz also had her frying pans “violated”, in his words!!

his tie is all messy and he’s stumbling around. we are given a brief insight into what drunk mulder must appear like. but a principled man, he has generally sworn off alcohol, so this is all we can use to imagine how such a sight would appear.

when they pull out an empty jar of peanut butter like izzy used to summon the great mutato, he proclaims that he found his smoking gun. lmao

IT’S THE DOCTOR'S DAD?????? THE ONE WHO WAS WALKING THE PIG EARLIER??? HE’S BRINGING THE MUTATO SANDWICHES AND CALLS HIM "SON"??? please put your son on a leash sir, because he is clearly committing crimes

ohhh confrontation time between dr. pollidori and his father…. OHHHH choking is going on. the dad said he did "it" because he can….. terrible reasoning to make a guy, btw

mulder is back in the diner, and now everyone is avoiding his gaze, throwing things at him, trying to trip him!!! JJ spits on his plate!!! he still looks good as hell though. 

THEY POUR THE COFFEE RIGHT IN HIS LAP???? RUDE AF????

now the newspaper is publishing that the agents think the monster is a hoax, which i guess explains his treatment. so do the townspeople LIKE the monster, then??? and so denying him is to deny what makes them unique? but hold onto that thought, because now everyone is running outside!!!!

THE POLICE HAVE IZZY???? he has a mask on!!! the cop says they've caught their monster. a cosplay mask doesn’t make him a monster, you utter fools. mrs. berkowitz is a good mom though; she says she WILL throw hands with the whole town for judging her boy, and i respect that 

oh, scully with the big reveal: the stuff on the frying pan they found at the doctor's house is used to knock out farm animals???? and farmers have to be on a register to use it!! which leads them to dr. pollidori's father aka the guy who walked his pig!!!!

the great mutato finds his father dead in the kitchen and mourns him, bringing him into the barn where he sobs and digs him a grave. it is sad. but. he still did those terrible things to mrs. berkowitz and elizabeth, so i'm not sure how bad i'm supposed to feel.

so the agents arrive, while it seems he is hiding up in the rafters. they find a puck of that weird gas that knocks you out, and mulder says he thinks they’re too late as they find the freshly dug grave

OHHH they hear a creaking and he WHIPS out his gun, but does this thing where he backs up so he is RIGHT in front of scully… wait, i need to watch that again. yeah, it was good. 

it’s the journalist person??? from before at the diner?? here to get a good scoop on the murder!!!!

but now the angry townspeople are arriving!!! lead by dr. pollidori! it’s very much giving gaston in beauty in the beast with the flaming torches. well. they’re going after him. while our agents are in the rain. probably still enduring a crazy chemical hangover. 

NOOOO!!!! scully turns around and sees the mutato!!! wow, she actually saw the creature for once lmao. that never seemed to happen in the early seasons

so they go in the cellar after the mutato and find a shrine to CHER NOW HOLD ON. HOLD ON. i have to pause and laugh. WHAT THE HELL. LMAOOOO

at least he has taste, i guess??

they find him in the corner and tell him to come out. scully seems deeply compassionate.

meanwhile, the barn is fully on fire as the journalist tries to write everything down. who will think of the sheep and pigs??? and even the chickens???

they emerge from the cellar but nooo, the journalist sees them!!! and the townspeople are invading!!!

the doctor says to let him go or they’ll burn him out. and he reveals to the crowd it was his FATHER who created him!!

mulder holds up a finger to wordlessly say “WATCH IT, WISE GUY” while the mutato is trying to say something. oh he can fully talk. “i have never acted to harm another soul” <- BUDDY. BUDDY WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING TO THOSE WOMEN????????

he’s monologing now, explaining he was the product of the doctor’s experiments. but his father rescued and loved him. and he tried to learn the science to make him a friend. also a horse is listening to all of this btw.

dr. pollidori's calls mutato a mistake which is rude as hell. 

however, if i’m supposed to feel bad for this guy for saying sorry after being caught raping women, i’m not gonna 💀 it sucks that he was abandoned and unloved, but we still need to have ethics in our conduct

scully looks deeply upset though.

he says he learned so much about humanity, and about love; “cher loved that boy so much” <- well. yeah. i laughed.

izzy declares that the great mutato is no monster!!!! i guess that he is his father, so he might be a bit biased there.

mulder is troubled by the fact that unlike in the original book of frankenstein, this monster did not escape to look for a bride! he wants to speak to the writers

“there’s not gonna be any bride, mulder. not in this story” “well then where’s the writer? i want to speak to the writer” <- LMAOOO why did this feel like a dig at the MSR shippers, i'm HOWLING

we end with more cher as cars drive down the road. AND THE AGENTS HAVE THE GREAT MUTATO IN THEIR CAR??? he’s just chilling in the back.

AND THEY TAKE HIM TO A CHER CONCERT??? OR IMPERSONATOR??? OR SOMETHING!?? AND HE’S LOSING HIS MIND?? WHILE IZZY AND THE AGENTS WATCH???

AND THEN WE SEE THE GREAT MUTATO BABIES ON JERRY SPRINGER and when he asks if the babies are hard to love due to their two faces (rude??) mrs. berkowitz says “what’s not to love?” <- okay queen!!!! she may have gone through a lot, but damn she loves her babies!!!

and then… mulder takes scully, and they dance??? they dance??? i knew there was a dance scene actually because i had seen in mentioned before, but i am seeing this??? with my eyes???? oh my god???

they love each other man... and maybe that’s romantic or maybe they’re best friends and maybe it's both or some secret third thing, but that is LOVE!!!!! LOOK AT THEM!!!!!

and then izzy turns it into a comic book??

WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WATCH LMAOOOOO

guys please be kind to me if you understood this because i did not. i’m half laughing and half soooo confused

????? man, hold on

again, i see the similarities to small potatoes as has been mentioned before. and we’re supposed to just feel bad for the great mutato and wave off the rape. which doesn’t fly for me. and also why have there been two episodes with this theme now. what was chris carter smoking? and can we get him a different strain? 

tbh, i really haven’t listened to cher before but if nothing else this episode put me onto her?? i guess??

i don’t have that same visceral sick feeling that i had from small potatoes, which i take is because we did not see scully as the victim of the violence this time around, but still. not great. 

it felt like a huge inside joke i’m not in on. so i’m confused. and i appreciate that this is referencing old movie tropes, but that doesn’t mean i understand them any better, you know?

but they danced :( they danced :(

i waited two days before writing this up to try and let some time pass and hopefully make my perceptions a bit clearer, but i don't think it worked as well as i had hoped. this has to be a record for most question marks per episode writeup. so i am going to NEED to know what the wider community thinks of this episode. and also what you, the person reading, thinks of this episode. is this a cult classic? am i simply too young to understand the references? or is there truly nothing to get and the episode is just Like That for some reason?

i was, all in the span of 40-ish minutes, amused, disgusted, enamored, and baffled. with different percentages of each.

conclusion: mrs. berkowitz is real as hell, mulder and scully look AMAZING in black and white, and i do not forgive the great mutato. also they danced, btw. not sure if you caught that.

however, if i may venture a guess: this episode and the last were more silly than usual, and i appreciate that. but, i actually do sort of know what happens in the next two, in a "describe it in one sentence" kind of way, because before i decided to watch this show i googled it to see what it was about... and i came across this plot point. and maybe they decided to do something a bit more light-hearted before coming in with the emotional devastation. although, that did not stop them last season, so who knows?

i am excited to watch the next two.