#Dennis is his true name

[cinnimon-beetle]

We like to have fun here, also if this was lore accurate power would be naked but fuck you

[doctorsiren]

Meet the people of Woodward Ranch! To most West Virginians, the place is just a normal animal sanctuary, but to those in the know, it’s a cryptid conservation ranch :)

Wyatt Woodward is the grandson of the man who used to own the ranch (I haven’t figured out that guy yet so…). His grandfather passed and left the ranch to Wyatt in his will, despite Wyatt only having met the man once or twice when he was little. Now he’s tasked with running the place, as well as grappling with the reality that monsters, cryptids, and the supernatural are very very much real

Lucy Lovejoy is a farmhand / wrangler on the ranch. She grew up living there and is miffed that Wyatt was given ownership. She believes she’s entitled to it because she actually knows the place and Wyatt didn’t even believe in the supernatural until he came to the ranch

Dr. Herschel Finch is the ranch’s science boy (that’s probably not the official title) and he does his magic + science stuff to keep the ranch safe as well as be the resident cryptid expert. He’s very chaotic neutral and would probably kill someone…yknow…for science! Nobody really quite knows his history, despite him telling lots of strange backstories about his past.

Denny is a feral little orphan werewolf girl that lives on the ranch and has deemed it her home. She causes trouble for Wyatt because he’s easy to mess with, but she’s also the one (other than the Mothman) who sees him as family the fastest

The Mothman is one of the cryptids who regularly stays at the ranch. He was Wyatt’s grandfather’s favourite, and so Wyatt quickly becomes the new favourite of the Mothman. Just look at him 🥺 he’s so,,,🫶

Bonus:

Cryptoria is Finch’s ex-wife. Nobody on the ranch has actually met her, but Finch’s reasoning for why they got divorced was that “she was evil”. They question why he didn’t take that into account when marrying a literal demon, and also why that was the dealbreaker, seeing as he’s not one to be opposed to some evil from time to time, but he doesn’t elaborate. He does explain, however, that she tried to kill him. Despite that, he also actively laments the relationship, clearly missing his hot demon wife. Cryptoria divorced HIM because she found him annoying. They’re soooo toxic for each other. They’re the kind of exes that simultaneously hate each other but would totally make out again if they had the chance.

[wahbegan]

I shouldn't even call him that. BTK. What a fucking ridiculous edgelord sobriquet. His name's fucking dennis.

[keepthedelta]

okay it's kinda specific but is there any brocedes fact that is often overlooked but you think that is essential (or perhaps gives a new approach) to the lore?

that's such a good question. i have several, i hope you don't mind

the first one is the "he'll always be my best friend in my heart" quote. i've seen a lot of people use it as a very earnest declaration etc. (or if they believe in the nico is obsessed with lewis shit as a sign of that) but it was actually nico making a joke when he was doing commentary (on the italian comms i think). he was asked a question about lewis and jokingly/sarcastically said "in my heart he'll always be my best friend", and then immediately clarified that it was a joke (maybe recognising the narrative that would be spun around it). i know this seems kind of anti-brocedes but i do think it is essential to the lore that people recognise nico is not a weird as fandom likes to make out. he's absolutely weird, and he's definitely not normal about lewis, but he's not obsessive, and he feels comfortable enough making jokes about them. when you contrast that with lewis who either refuses to say nico's name in conversations where he is the most relevant person (the better teammates than max interview) or brings him up unnecessarily and then panics about it (grill the grid), i think it changes the dynamic of who is yearning, who is "over it", who is winning the idgaf war (it's neither of them but the difference is lewis lost by playing and nico is open enough about giving a fuck that he's not pretending to play). i am biased, but i also think that if you look back at them during their careers, lewis was always weirder about nico than nico was about him, although again, neither of them can truly be described as normal about each other.

then there's nico beating lewis in the 2004 f3 series that they shared. the narrative of brocedes describes it as lewis always beating nico, lewis being the one to win and nico always being slightly behind. and largely this is true. but in 2004 they were both competing in the 2004 f3 european series, albeit for different teams. neither of them won, but nico narrowly beat lewis. now they were in different teams and nico himself has said that some teams had better cars and equipment than others and that made a difference in the end result. but, nico still beat lewis. he had nearly double the number of dnfs/dns (6 to lewis's 3) and triple the number of wins (3 to lewis's 1), finishing highest of all the entrants who eventually made it to f1 (nico himself, lewis, adrian sutil and robert kubica). but nico himself barely seems to remember this. the narrative of lewis always being better, always beating him, is something he seems to have internalised, even though it isn't quite true, or at least, not as true as people make out.

my third bit of lore is that mclaren wanted to sign nico for the 2008 season. following the drama of fernando alonso (affectionate) and spygate, mclaren had an open seat and ron dennis wanted to fill it with nico. he even offered to buy out nico's contract from williams, but frank williams viewed nico as their best hope and refused. the driver that eventually ended up replacing fernando was heikki kovaleinen, nico's gp2 rival and 100% finnish to his 50% (yes nico's national identity crisis does come into this). lewis ended up winning the championship that year. heikki took only 1 victory, and while i think lewis would have beaten nico, i think nico wouldn't have been a doormat for him like heikki, and would have won at least a couple of races, which would have allowed felipe massa and ferrari to succeed. in many ways i think an argument can be made that nico not getting that mclaren seat really helped lewis to win his first championship, in the same way that if lewis hadn't gone to mercedes, nico would have won three, or if nico had stayed, there is a very real possibility that sebastian vettel would have won 2017. their presence and their success dooms the other, and it always has.

my final thing is that they are the most successful teammate pairing in f1 history. it kind of links back to the last one, where the fact that they are each as good as they are hurts the other one, unlike a lewis and valtteri line up or a michael and rubens line up where there is a distinct number one driver and the other one is to be sacrificed for him. but, even though both of those pairs were together for longer (nico and lewis aren't even in the top 5 longest teammate pairings), it takes more than a number 1 number 2 driver lineup to be the most successful. it takes nico and lewis, who are both number 1 drivers (don't come for me on this, nico would have flattened the likes of valtteri, rubens, or mark webber and you know it). although they were only teammates for four years (and one of those was a sebastian vettel/red bull dominance year) they achieved more pole positions, front row lockouts, wins, podiums, and 1-2 finishes than any other pairing in f1 history. they were utterly, utterly dominant, and that's why they hurt each other so badly. they were the dream team, the absolute best f1 could come up with, but they weren't just competing as a team, they were competing against each other, and only one of them could win

[bullet-prooflove]

The Morgue Thing: Dennis Whitaker x Reader (feat: Donnie Donahue)

Tagging: @kmc1989 @sargeant-sad-eyes

Companion piece to:

Peppermint - The taste of peppermint will always have a special place in Dennis's heart.

It’s been three days and Dennis still doesn’t know your first name.

When you’d handed him back his phone he’d discovered you’d saved your number under the peppermint candy emoji. He has no idea if that’s some sort of clue or if it’s because he told you he liked the taste of your lipbalm on his mouth.

When he asks around it turns out everyone is just as clueless as he is.

“We call her Lis,” Donnie tells him as Dennis helps him turn over South 17. “I’m not sure if it’s because her last name is Lisbon or if it’s her first name. We don’t get a lot of time to chat when she’s up here because it’s all about getting the body squared away so it doesn’t freak out the natives.”

Dennis nods his head in understanding as he deposits the bloody cotton pads into the yellow hazardous waste bin.

“She’s good at what she does I’ll give her that.” Donnie says as he smooths his palm over the sheets of the bed he’s making up. “A friend of mine had to identify her sister after a car accident and sung her praises, she was very kind with the family, conscientious. Some of the shit they see down there, it’s alot more messed up than what we get up here.”

“How can that be true?” Dennis asks, his thoughts returning to the insanity of Pittfest. That had been the worst day of his life and Dennis, he’d had some shitty days before moving in with Santos.

“Think of all the fucked up stuff we see in here, the domestic abuse cases, the stuff with kids, fires. They get the end result of that, the stuff that happens when the ambulance is too late or no one cared enough to call one. It’s why most morgue assistants flame out after a year, the job is that brutal.” Donnie says shaking his head as he ticks off the checklist on the tablet, reopening the bay for use. “She’s been here five years, the girl must have the heart of a lion.”

Dennis is still thinking about that when he meets you outside on the steps after his shift. It’s just past seven and you’re leaning against the wall that lines the hospital, your hair falling loose across your features the same way it did that night. He wants to reach out and push it back behind your ear but he doesn’t because it feels inadequate without your name, like it lacks meaning.

“I need to tell you something.” He says as he takes up residence beside you.

You sigh and the sound makes his chest tight as you thrust your hands into the pockets of your denim jacket.

“It’s the morgue thing isn’t it?” You say, staring out into the park across the street. “Me being around the deceased, you can’t handle it.”

“What?” He says, shaking his head vehemently. “That’s… Has that been a problem before?”

You tilt your face towards him, the edges of your mouth tipping up into a sad smile as your eyes turn distant.

“You’re a great guy, you don’t have to pretend.” You say pushing off the wall and stepping into the street. “I’ll see you around Whitaker.”

It’s the use of his last name that snaps him into action, the detachment behind it. His hand catches your arm, drawing you back to him and you look at him with such surprise in your features that he panics.

“It’s not the dead people.” He says abruptly. “I just don’t know your name! We’ve been texting for three days and I was too embarrassed to tell you. I know you told me back at the karaoke thing but Santos was singing so loud and so badly-”

You laugh then and that sound, it lights up his insides like sunshine after a long, cold winter of rain.

“It’s Lola.” You tell him. “Lola Lisbon.”

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Like My Work? - Why Not Buy Me A Coffee

[kinardscake]

Tommy just fits into the story.

There’s potential for interactions with every single character. He has a history with almost everyone.

Athena was there from the beginning, even before Chimney joined the 118. She is a witness to how much Tommy has changed, how much he’s grown up. Might even seen probie!Tommy following Gerrard around like a lost puppy.

Bobby had planted seeds of a family within the 118 when Tommy was still there. He saw him desperately trying to find his place in the world and make a choice that would ultimately be the right one. (You don’t say Tommy is good people unless you are 100% sure that he is)

Also, Tommy is still an original member of the family. He wasn’t ready for it back then but he came back to join the 118 family as the man that he always wanted to be.

Chimney saved his life, and inadvertently steered him towards the right path.

Hen showed him what it means to be true to yourself. That you can be out and proud.

Hen and Tommy worked together for years, he was there when Hen met Karen, when Denny was born. So, Karen and Tommy also know each other. And he might have even met Denny when he was a baby. (Chimney used to babysit Denny, who’s to say that Tommy didn’t do it as well once or twice?)

Eddie and Tommy became fast friend before he started dating Buck. And Chris obviously liked him as well, otherwise he wouldn’t have talked non-stop about him.

Maddie had her ears talked off about a guy named Tommy by her husband and her brother. It’d be so interesting to see them actually interact in s8.

Tommy isn’t just a LI, isn’t in the show to just be Buck’s partner.

He’s a fully established character that can be written not just into Buck’s SLs, but any SL the writers want and it would make sense why he’s there. Because he’s connected to everyone.

[windsweptinred]

Things I want need want to see in kaos season 2

All the Olympians. Give me the patron saints of all dysfunctional families everywhere in all their chaotic glory!! 

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised! FOR KAOS! 

Dennis avenged! May your greatest of sins curse you Zeus. Doom be upon you in the name of Dennis the kitten. 

Riddy x Caeneus / Prometheus x Charon reunion. Or at least whispering sweet nothings to each other on the docks of the Styx like tragic Shakespearean lovers. 

Ariadne Regina. Seeing my queen RULE

Caeneus Almighty. The power of love bay bay!! 

Besotted puppy dog Dio. Just give Ariadne a riding crop, cause that god is going to be so whipped!

Prometheus trickster supreme. He's free, has got wit/wiles/wisdom and a heart of fire. And he's not afraid to use them!

Cassandra… That's it. Just more Cassandra. 

Humanity triumphant. The Riddy and Ari, powerhouse tag team we want and deserve.  

The Fates and the Furies (see Cassandra and repeat). 

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps… 

It's Persephone with a steel chair! Persephone strikes the killing blow on Zeus, physically or metaphorically. No one hurts her man. 

Caeneus and Riddy, Hades and Persephone 2.0. Let the myth be true for them, let them see each other. If only for a season. 

Orpheus tearing his life apart in a metaphorical destruction of self. To be ‘reborn’ anew. 

The Prince that was promised… Heir to the throne Dionysus

Olympian civil war shenanigans. Zeus vs Hera vs... Take a stand Hades, we know you can do it. Do it for Persephone!

Apollo and Dionysus playing tug of war with Orpheus. (I knew him first! He's an artist, he's under MY dominion! My prophet! No my prophet.) 

Bonus

Persephone: I think this belongs to you? Dionysus: 😲🥹🥰 

Dennis: 🐈‍⬛❤️

[queer-little-demigod]

Hi lea!!!! Can you write about an clarisse la true x apollo!reader

Clarisse got in trouble for something (what's new tho) and got a punishment of helping out with the little demigods art class for 2 weeks (or however long) the volunteer teacher is reader. At first Clarisse did NOT wanna be there she acted like a baby for the first few days but after she got more involved and started to understand she enjoyed it (she would never admit it), she started talking to the kids more (she totally has favorites, reader has to constantly tell her dont be so obvious about her favorites 😭) it got to a point where the kids would start talking to her outside of class. Also Clarisse definitely doesn't develop a crush on reader. AT ALL. SHE DEFINITELY HATES HOW PASSIONATE SHE IS ABOUT THE KIDS AND ART AND HOW GOOD SHE IS WITH KIDS SHE DOESN'T THINK ITS CUTE AT ALL. SHE DOESNT THINK OF THAT CLASS AS ONE BIG FAMILY. I mean what???? Who said that???

Anyways when it's time for her to go reader takes some of the kids to make a goodbye sign for clarisse; clarisse takes her 100% not favorite kid on a secret mission to make an 'I'm staying' sign. Then reader and Clarisse present them at the same time and it's all cutesy!! After class, reader asks clarisse on a date via showing her a pain she drew of them on a date and hopes she gets the message!

Thank you! :)

you got an artist inside you - clarisse la rue

summary where clarisse finds herself falling in love with a girl over paintbrushes and a punishment

fic type fluff

pairing clarisse la rue x fem!apollo!reader

word count 1.8k

warnings none

The camp was usually sleepy, quiet, and mostly empty apart from a few stray campers training here and there. But with summer already beating down with a burning force, it was full of kids running around, training left right and center, and all-in-all just general chaos.

So with the burning heat came grumpy older campers, which meant fights.

And a fight at lunch is what led to Clarissa having to help the younger campers with art class, with the co-teacher being none other than you, Y/n L/n, counsellor of the Apollo cabin. Additionally and otherwise known as the girl Clarisse was smitten with.

"Clarisse La Rue if you don't stop whining like that right now, I am going to smack you," you grumbled in utter frustration for the fifth time that hour, when she complained to you about some kid not cutting the paper the way it was supposed to be cut.

For a child of the god of war, she was such a wuss sometimes.

"But they're not following-" she began to protest, but a smack upside the head with a roll of wrapping paper shut her up.

"They're seven year olds in a summer camp art class," you emphasised on those facts. "They're gonna do their own thing!"

This was how the first few days went. She complained, you disciplined both her and the kids. But once she got used to the whole routine of you both giving instructions and the final products having irritatingly distinct variations, she cooled down.

If this was going to be a punishment for the next two weeks, she might as well enjoy it.

The art room, as usual, was a mess. Glitter was everywhere, coloured pencils were strewn around, papers were on the floor, blackened and trampled on. The strong scent of glue made everyone a bit woozy, and there was enough shouting for supplies across the table to give even the calmest camper a sensory overload.

Clarisse sat in the danger zone where the most glitter was being thrown around and spilled, and her soft skin was already glimmering with purple and red glitter as she tried restoring order. However, instead of yelling as usual she was laughing along with the little kids.

One kid in particular, you noticed, she helped far more than the others. A Hephaestus kid named Dennis, who was the sweetest little thing with big, round glasses and bronze hearing aids that you had Charlie customise so they looked like metal elf ear tips.

You pulled Clarissa aside and scolded her with a smile, “Clar, you cannot pick favourites!”

Clarissa loved your smile with everything she had. So naturally, she was so captivated by it that she didn't hear you the first time. Nor did she register the scolding.

"Excuse me, but Dennis deserves special treatment--" She began, but you cut her off.

"No, he's just like the other kids, okay? Just make sure you don't pick favourites, please," you sighed and walked away, going back to showing the kids how to make paper butterflies.

But you're my favourite, she thought to herself. She wished she had the courage to say it out loud, admit her feelings for you, but she couldn't.

Later, as time went by, as days of standing in clouds of glitter and glue fumes began and ended, Clarisse found that she was apparently likeable. After classes, during training, during dinner, she'd have little kids pulling her sleeve to talk to her, she'd have kids randomly hugging her at odd times of the day, or giving her small artworks like a wonky bird or a odd-looking Cerebrus. It shocked the campers beyond belief.

But for you it just made your love for her grow.

One day during class, a Demeter kid named Flora started to cry because glitter went into her eye. You rushed over immediately and helped her up, holding her in your arms as you took her to the basin to clean her up.

"Shh, don't cry, baby, it's okay, I'm gonna wash it out, alright?" You said softly.

"Guys, focus on your work, Flo's fine," Clarisse said, clapping her hands to direct the staring kids back to work, her eyes fixed on you as you washed Flora's eyes with water gently, telling her that she should not to go so close to the page when blowing glitter off in the softest voice the child of war had ever heard.

You were so gentle, like the softest summer breeze which didn't make the leaves rustle, but cooled one's warming skin. You were so precious, with your soft smile and loving words. Your voice was sweet like honey, no matter who you talked to or how.

If your voice was bottled, she swore to the gods that she'd get drunk on it every night.

"You okay, champ?" She asked, gently ruffling Flora's soft brown hair as the girl sat down. "You're a strong girl, aren't you? Showed that stupid glitter it's place."

You giggled at the way she spoke, covering your mouth with your hand to hide it. It was ridiculously obvious that Clarisse thought the kids in the art class were like family, and it was genuinely so adorable.

Seeing her like this, curly hair pulled back in her red bandanna, arms splattered with paint here and there, with glitter shining off her smooth caramel skin with every movement she made into the light, lit up something inside of you. Seeing her without her usual scowl, pulling funny faces with the kids as she showed them how to draw a monster, made your heart beat twice as fast.

However, two weeks went by with heartbreaking speed, and before she knew it, she was in Chiron's office, listening to him gleefully say she was officially un-grounded.

But honestly? She didn't share his happiness.

Nor did you.

"What?! Already!?" You exclaimed that evening as you sat in your cabin at your desk, which had plans put out for what to make for the next art class.

"Yeah," she grumbled, lounging on your bed. "I hate it."

"That's rough, but it's okay, you can always hop in to volunteer,"

"What do we tell the little ones?"

"The truth?"

"You're fucking crazy if you think they'll go with it,"

"I'm out of options, Clar," you leaned back in your chair and put your hands over your eyes. "I love that class, and I love teaching art."

"I know, and as much as I hate to admit it," she sat up. "So do I."

The very next day, Clarisse rushed to Chiron and begged him to let her stay for that class. Even going to lengths that she told him how she felt for you.

"Fine," he relented. "You can stay with the class for as long as you'd like,"

She'd never run to the forges to find a kid so fast.

"Beckendorf!" She exclaimed, looking at the cabin counselor. "Hey, where's Dennis?"

The boy looked around, and his eyes landed on Dennis, who was inquisitively watching one of his half-sisters mold a few practice swords, helping occasionally with putting the swords in water.

"Dennis!" Beckendorf exclaimed, "Clarisse wants to talk to you!"

Dennis immediately ran over, grinning broadly, showing his gap-toothed smile. "Hi, Clarisse!" He said, excitedly.

"Hey there, big boy!" She smiled back, giving him a high five. "So listen, I'm going to need your insane artistic skills and your help..."

While you did help the other kids make a 'goodbye' sign for Clarisse, on the side you decided to confront your feelings.

You knew you liked her from the beginning, from when you first saw her infectious smile, from when you heard her deep laugh reverberating through the empty Apollo cabin on days where you both would plan lessons.

She held the key to your heart, she knew her way past your walls. She clearly also knew how to remain in your thoughts, subconscious and conscious, to the point where you found yourself in the art studio, canvas on an easel before you.

Thoughts of her, of feeling her coarse, battle-worn hands on your skin, of gazing into those deep brown eyes which were like the colour of the rain-kissed earth, and when she fought were like the evening sun, golden enough to put the wings of Icarus to shame, made your paintbrush move. It made your colours flow like the blood in your veins, made each stroke perfect enough to create the scene you most desired on the canvas in front of you.

You stepped back once you felt the need to express yourself flow away, gazing at the canvas. A scene it held, and what a scene indeed. The sky was cornflower blue, a cloudless day, with the sun’s rays shining down on a big oak tree. The leaves were paler as the golden light kissed the surface, casting sharp shadows on the pillowy grass.

But then there was vivid orange and red, a flash of bronze. In the foreground there sat both you and Clarisse, the latter having more detail than any part of the drawing.

Then the dreaded day came where you all had to say goodbye to her.

The little ones were devastated, not letting Clarisse go anywhere without following her around like baby ducklings, making her explain to them that she's not going away from camp, she's just not going to teach them anymore.

At the end of the final class, just as everyone unveiled the 'we'll miss you' poster, she and Dennis revealed their 'I'm Staying' poster, causing a loud, thunderous cheer to erupt from all of you.

Later, you pulled her aside to give her your canvas painting.

Nerves wracked your body, your palms began to sweat.

When was the last time you had felt this nervous? It was probably your cello recital the day you had come to camp...

"Holy shit, Y/n this looks absolutely amazing!" Clarisse exclaimed, taking the painting in her hands.

She didn't miss the detail you had given her, drawing her angelically, despite her thinking she was the opposite. It was so well done that the brush strokes weren't even visible.

Please get the message, you blockheaded, oblivious fool...you thought.

Deciding to act against your nerves, you asked her in a shaky voice, "That's a painting of us on a date...would you like to go on one with me sometime?"

Clarisse's heart stopped. Had you just asked her out on a date?

She was at a loss for words, they didn't touch her tongue, nor did they pass her lips. She stood there, speechless, gaping at you for a moment too long.

"I mean, I get it, you're probably not even a les--" you began, but a pair of gentle lips on yours silenced your words.

Sparks flew, butterflies went haywire, your brain short-circuited. You didn't know what to doo, just stood there frozen with shock. Kissing the girl you had liked for the last few months now.

Clarisse, however, was ecstatic. Her mind was a burst of colour, her body was ablaze. She felt like she had wings, and her heart was taking her up, up, up.

Once she pulled away, she winked at your blushing face and dopey grin.

"It's a date, L/n."

hi, it's me! lea! i hope you enjoyed this long overdue oneshot <3 requests are open via dms or asks!

[tillysslife]

wsp with you—part two

pairing: walker & teen!actor

warnings: none <333

you stared at your phone like it had personally betrayed you. where were the spies on your phone? they should’ve not let this reach your eyes.

walk💙

we gonna talk about this or what?

or what!! that was your choice. there was no way you could face him like this. your face was akin to a roasted tomato and the amount of energy flurrying in your chest was enough to power a neighbourhood at christmas time.

so instead, you did what any spiralling girl would and called your best friend from home. you would’ve loved to talk about this with leah but she was too close to the action, she had been plotting on this for months and you needed some real advice.

with trembling hands you pressed on the facetime button like your life depended on it and waited for scarlet to answer.

when she did you let out the scream you had been holding in, “oh my god!” you said, raking a hand through your hair in an attempt to busy yourself. “oh my GOD!”

scarlet held her hands to her ears, your shriek obviously not what she was expecting. “why are you screaming?” she yelled back, eyes wide with terror. “you either got hit by a car or something happened with walker.”

“he texted me,” you sighed, voice lowered to a normal human level as you flopped back dramatically on your bed. “like, full sentence and grammar. ‘we gonna talk or what?’ who does he think he is, a lead in a romcom?”

she gasps, a smirk making its way onto her face even though she had no idea what they were going to talk about. “right. and to make sure i’m crystal clear here. what the fuck do you have to talk about?”

“oh you haven’t seen it? well y’know that trend that’s like ‘they say shooters shoot. duke dennis what’s up with you?’ well…i may have done something.”

“you didn’t!” she cackled, falling back into her own bed in a fit of laughter. “oh my god, y/n, that’s priceless.”

you whined. “it is so not funny. what if what he wants to talk about is that i overstepped our boundaries and i shouldn’t have made that post.”

that was what you were really scared about. you and walker had developed a true ‘platonic’ relationship and you didn’t want to ruin it because of a stupid tiktok trend that would disappear in a few days. god why did you always ruin everything?

“i’ve just looked at the post and to me it looks like he said, and i quote. “oh. bet?” does that really mean nothing to you y/n l/n?” scarlet inquired, her eyebrow raised halfway to her forehead with a look of disbelief. “god you always were oblivious,” she joked.

but you couldn’t even hear her any more because a notification at the top of your phone read his name.

“babe?” scarlet questioned, eyebrows drawn together. “you’ve gone deadly pale. what have you done this time?”

you dropped your phone from your hands, watching helplessly as it bounced on the bed. “he texted me. again,” you whispered. “oh my god what do i do? do i pretend i’ve fallen off my balcony?”

your best friend shook her head, pursing her lips as she thought. “no. first you’re going to read me this new message and then i’ll help you find a new name and you can fly to mexico, okay?”

you nodded wordlessly, as you exited the facetime app and clicked on you and walker’s thread again. “i’m scared to look what if he hates me now?”

“this is walker we’re talking about. you could kill his dog and he’d forgive you.”

nonetheless, you bit on your lip, eyes shut as you fought for the courage to open them. this was scary. you had never had this reaction to a boy before. was this really what having a crush felt like? “okay i’m ready,” you finally whispered, eyes fluttering open as you took in his message.

walk💙

hey i’m not trying to freak you out. just wanted to talk. maybe not on the internet. fuck can i call you, y/n?

”he said what?” scarlet choked out, clutching her blanket like it was the last thing tethering her to earth. yeah, now she gets how you feel.

you stared at the screen your voice a half-whisper as you repeated his virtual words. scarlet screamed. you didn’t blame her.

“HE SAID FUCK, like a casual swear? he’s giving boy who’s nervous but trying to play it cool.”

“yes!!” you whisper-yelled, very aware that anything to loud would alert your little sister and bring chaos. you paced the room, massaging your temples. “he swore and then said my name! that’s so hot, why does that sound so hot?”

“because you like him,” scarlet said simply, “and because he clearly likes you back. he wants to talk to you. like about real shit. oh my god this is happening. this is happening!”

you let out a panicked literal squeak. “i can’t. i literally can’t do this.”

“you can,” she said, firm and composed, acting like she was your life coach. “you’re gonna hang up this call and then you’re gonna call him and you’re gonna be normal.”

“i don’t know how to be normal?!”

“figure it out,” she yelled back. “you’re hot and funny and charming. go get your man. i’ll be here having a heart attack while i wait.”

you laugh, nervous but feeling a little bit better after talking to scarlet. “okay i love you”

“love you more, go!”

you hung up.

your heart was pounding so loud you could hardly hear the dial tone.

but then—it clicked.

”hello?” walker’s smooth voice came through the phone’s speaker, sounding a little panicked himself.

that soothed you a bit.

“hey,” you said, barely above a whisper. “i hope it’s okay i called.”

“of course it is,” he rushed to say, his voice softly firm. “i was kinda staring at my phone waiting for it to ring,” he admitted with a chuckle.

you let out the softest laugh, already overwhelmed. “i’m uh— i just wanted to say i’m sorry.”

“for what?” he sounded genuinely curious.

“for posting that. for dragging you into… all this,” you said, gesturing wildly with your hands even though he couldn’t see. “i didn’t think it’d blow up like that. it was supposed to be funny. just a joke. and i totally get it if you never wanna talk to me again or if you think i’m—”

“woah,” he cut in gently, “slow down.”

you went fully quiet, your uneven breathing the only sound echoing through the call. “i don’t want you to hate me,” you whispered, voice shaking.

“of course not, y/n. i didn’t think anything bad about you, okay?” he said, voice steady. “i wasn’t upset at all. especially not at you. i was just…caught off guard i guess. you know i love being dragged into your messes.”

you blinked. “oh.”

he laughed softly, like he was nervous too. “it’s not a bad thing. it’s just—it felt like when you posted that my whole world flipped.”

your heart clenched. in a good way or a bad way you were still unsure.

“i’ve been trying to find the right way to say this for a while now but nothing ever seemed perfect enough for you. i didn’t know if you’d ever see me that way or if i was just this dumb guy who pulled faces at interviews while you sat there being gorgeous, laughing at me while being so ridiculously talented. ”

“walker—“ you murmured, or at least tried to.

“no just…please let me get this out. i’m not good at expressing my emotions and this is scaring the shit out of me, but i need to. you don’t know how many times i wanted to tell you, you’re just so perfect and i couldn’t find the right moment. but then you posted that, and i thought maybe, i wasn’t imagining everything all along.”

your whole body went still, frozen in shock. but your words moved before your normally overthinking brain. “you weren’t,” you started softly, “imagining things. god—i’ve liked you for ages. i just didn’t think you’d feel the same.

“are you serious?” he breathed.

“yes walker. i like you, like, really like you.”

he let out this laugh from the back of his throat—disbelieving and warm and happy. “this feels fake. like i’m gonna wake up.”

“you’re not dreaming,” you said, smiling so hard your cheeks ached. “unless i’m dreaming too.”

another pause. a little silence. but it was the good kind. the kind where you both knew everything had changed, and it wasn’t scary—it was perfect.

“so,” walker said, voice a little shy now, “can i see you? like… not through a screen?”

you laughed, giddy. “yeah. i’d really like that.”

“cool,” he said, and you could hear the grin in his voice. “guess the shooter did score.”

“guess so, huh?” you giggled, biting your bottom lip.

GUYS ITS FINALLY OUT!! thank you so much for the love on tbe first part it really gave me the motivation to write this out quicker then i ever have. and i’ll work on the requests soon❤️❤️ love yourself bye💋

[unreesonable]

Stage/Fright

I won't be reblogging Stage/Fright stuff here to prevent spoilers, but I'll use this pinned post for some real-time archiving. Last updated 05/04/25

SPOILERS BEYOND THIS POINT

I update this post after every show - that’s every day Mon-Sat and twice on matinee days! (Thursday and Saturday)

Now that the West End run of Stage/Fright has concluded, I will be sharing more information about the guest appearances, photos etc over at @fuckyeahstagefright

Photos and reviews are at the end of this post

I'm going to try and track the celebrity guests throughout the run. Asks/DMs are open if you have a tip for a show you've attended, or you can comment below.

Celebrity guests

(plus the mime for their name and the show name / character name / catchphrase that Len keeps getting wrong)

Previews

16/01/25 - Jim Howick (Gym Cow Sick - Horrible Histories) 17/01/25 - Ralf Little (Death in Paradise) 18/01/25 - The Actor Kevin Eldon (Cave In Held On - Fist of Fun) 20/01/25 - David Morrisey (Day Vid Morris [Boris] See - The Walking Dead) 21/01/25 - Marc Wootton (Mr Poppy, Nativity) 22/01/25 - Adrian Dunbar (Ted Hastings, Line of Duty) 23/01/25 - Nick Mohammed (Nick More Ham Head - Ted Lasso) 24/01/25 - Katherine Parkinson (Cat Thin Parking Sun - The IT Crowd) 25/01/25 - Gary Kemp (Car Reek Hemp - the running joke was the Spandau Ballet song 'True') / Martin Freeman (Fart Tin Three Man - Bilbo Baggins, The Lord of the Rings) 27/01/25 - Matthew Kelly (Mat You Ceilidh - Stars in Their Eyes) 28/01/25 - Lee Mack (Lemur Ick - Not Going Out)

Press night and end of previews

29/01/25 - Alexander Armstrong (All Lick Hair Arms Wrong - Classic FM) 30/01/25 - Daniel Mays (Down Yell [Theresa] Mays - Line of Duty) 31/01/25 - Mat Baynton (Mat Pain Tonne - Horrible Histories) 01/02/25 - Les Dennis (Les[bian] Tennis - New Faces) / David Harewood (Day Vid[eo] Hair Wood - Martin Luther King, The Mountaintop) 03/02/25 - Tamsin Greig (Tame Sing Gregg - Friday Night Dinner) 04/02/25 - Monica Dolan (Moan Knickers Dough Lamp - Mr Bates vs the Post Office) 05/02/25 - Ophelia Lovibond ([James] Bond - W1A) 06/02/25 - Julian Rhind-Tutt (Julie [Andrews] Wine Tut - The Madness of King George) / Paterson Joseph (Peep Show) 07/02/25 - Mel Giedroyc (Smell Head Roy [Orbison] - The Great British Bake Off) 08/02/25 - Denis Lawson (Dentist Law Son - Star Wars) / Sue Perkins (Soup Hare Skins - Great British Bake Off) 10/02/25 - Dara Ó Briain (Parachute O Brie - Mock the Week) 11/02/25 - Rory Kinnear (Roar Reek In Ear - Black Mirror) 12/02/25 - Matt Berry (Mat Bear Eye - The IT Crowd) 13/02/25 - Mackenzie Crook (Mack Hen See Rook - The Detectorists) / Mark Bonnar (Boner - Line of Duty) 14/02/25 - Phil Daniels (Fill - Quadrophenia) 15/02/25 - Emilia Fox (Meal Ear Fox - Silent Witness) / Sarah Hadland (Sir A Add Land - Strictly Come Dancing) 17/02/25 - Gemma Whelan (Jam A Wee Land - Yara Greyjoy, Game of Thrones) 18/02/25 - Joe Thomas (Sew Tom[cat] Ass - Fresh Meat) 19/02/25 - Lenny Henry (Sirloin Knee Hen Wee - Comic Relief) 20/02/25 - Matthew Horne (Mat Horn - Gavin and Stacey) / Nigel Planer (Gel Plane - Filthy, Rich & Catflap) 21/02/25 - Charlie Higson (Charl[eston] Lie His Son - Swiss Tony, The Fast Show) 22/02/25 - Morgana Robinson (Mow Garden Robin Son - Pippa Middleton, The Windsors) / Mark Gatiss (Margate Tits - The League of Gentlemen) 24/02/25 - Rob Brydon (Rob Bride On - Would I Lie to You?) 25/02/25 - Gareth Malone (Car Alone - Military Wives) 26/02/25 - Liza Tarbuck (Please A Starbucks - Upstart Crow) 27/02/25 - Bob Mortimer (Knob More Timer - Gone Fishing) / Julian Clary (Jewel Ink Lairy - The Joan Collins Fan Club) 28/02/25 - Stephen Merchant (Steep Hen Merchant - The Office)

01/03/25 - Robin Askwith (Rob Bin Ass Quiff - The Madame Blanc Mysteries) / Matt Lucas (Mat Loo Gas - The Great British Bake Off) 03/03/25 - Jane Horrocks (Jay No Rocks - Bubble, Absolutely Fabulous) 04/03/25 - understudy show - Steve Pemberton (Steed Pen Button - Inside No 9) 04/03/25 - Joel Dommett ([Billy] Joel Dominatrix Meet - The Masked Singer) 05/03/25 - Alex Horne (All Licks Horn - The Horne Section) 06/03/25 - Micky Flanagan (Mick [Jagger] Key Flannel - "Out out") / Josh Widdicombe (Posh Wee Dick Cum - The Last Leg) 07/03/25 - Joe Pasquale (Joke Pass Quality Street - New Faces) 08/03/25 - Paul Chuckle (Pull Chuck El[bow]- “To me, to you”) / Michael Sheen (Mic[rophone] El[bow] Shin - Good Omens) 10/03/25 - Stewart Lee ([Air] Steward Wee - Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle) 11/03/25 - Chris McCausland (Cry Smack Oars Land - Strictly Come Dancing) 12/03/25 - David Walliams (Slay Vid[eo] Wall Iams - Britain's Got Talent) 13/03/25 - Pauline McLynn (Pull Lean Muck Lean - Mrs Doyle, Father Ted) / Richard Osman (Reach Hard Oz Man - The Thursday Murder Club) 14/03/25 - Tamzin Outhwaite ([Lion] Tamer In Mouth Weight - Red Cap) 15/03/25 - Clive Anderson (Clay Van Der Son - Whose Line Is It Anyway?) / Stephen Fry (Steep Hen Fry - Jeeves and Wooster) 17/03/25 - Paul Merton (Pull Mare Tonne - Have I Got News for You?) 18/03/25 - Mark Addy (The Full Monty) 19/03/25 - Adam Buxton (A Dam Books Tonne - The Adam and Joe Show) 20/03/25 - Elaine Paige (E Lane Page - I Know Him So Well) / Jason Manford 21/03/25 - Romesh Ranganathan (Row Rang - The Weakest Link) 22/03/25 - Neil Morrissey (Knee [Elm] Tree - Bob The Builder) / Paul Whitehouse (Pull Why Toes - Gone Fishing) 24/03/25 - Simon Pegg (Sigh Mump Leg - Mission Impossible) 25/03/25 - Meera Syal (Me - Goodness Gracious Me) 26/03/25 - Robert Lindsey (Robbing Lean Sassy - My Family) 27/03/25 - Danny Dyer (Fan Knee Higher - Eastenders) / Su Pollard (Soup All Hard - You Rang Milord?) 28/03/25 - Danny Baker (Fan Knee Baker - Pets Win Prizes) 29/03/25 - Ross Noble (Row Snowball - Have I Got News For You) / Prof Brian Cox (Brr Iron Cocks - Things Can Only Get Better) 31/03/25 - David Tennant (Slay Vid Ten Ants - Doctor Who) 01/04/25 - Sandi Toksvig ([de]Tox Fig - QI) 02/04/25 - Sophie Willan (Sew Feet Willy - Alma's Not Normal) 03/04/25 - Miles Jupp (My Edge Jump - The Thick of It) / Phoebe Waller-Bridge (Feet Bee Wallop Bridge - Fleabag) 04/04/25 - Sir Ian McKellan (Serene Muck Alan [Sugar] - Lord of the Rings) 05/04/25 - Louis Theroux (Loo Wee T (kanga)roo - Weird Weekends) /Jonathan Ross (Johnny Thin Rose - The Masked Singer)

Press Night Photos by Marc Brenner

Press Reviews Roundup

compiled by u/NanetteFuckingNewman on Reddit

4 stars from The Guardian: “An ingenious edge-of-your-seat, one-step-ahead show”

4 stars from WhatsOnStage: “Joyously silly … great, all-encompassing fun”

4 stars from The Telegraph: “STAGE/FRIGHT reaffirms [the writers’] rare ingenuity… Bravo”

4 stars from Financial Times: “Another wildly clever, madly innovative and suddenly moving show from this inspired duo”

4 stars from Chortle: “A hugely impressive coup de theatre, keeping you guessing and gasping to the end”

5 stars from All That Dazzles: “Wickedly funny and impressively clever, Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith really have made theatrical magic”

4 stars from The Independent: "This is one play you won’t be checking your watch in"

5 stars from the Radio Times: "The production is fabulous across the board... it's a thrilling ride that shouldn't be missed"

4 stars from Time Out: "A delight, the duo at the peak of their powers"

4 stars from The i: "Riotously fun... raucously entertaining"

No rating (but highly positive) from Beyond The Joke: "This spectacular show is both side-splitting and spine-chilling... If you don't enjoy Stage/Fright, contact a doctor immediately, you might be dead. This is brilliant. Go see it." "In the interests of fairness, there have been a few more moderate reviews from the Evening Standard, The Stage and London Theatre (all 3 stars), and one stinker from The Times (2 stars). There’s always someone…"

[prismatoxic]

4KIDS DUNGEON MESHI CHARACTER LIST

Laios Touden - Larry Thorton (he's smart and knowledgeable about monsters and his friends always support him) Falin Touden - Felicity Thorton Marcille Donato - Mary DiMaggio (she's more italian now. refers to felicity as her "bestie" on numerous occasions. heavily implied to be in love with larry) Chilchuck Tims - Charles Chuck (he has a goatee and all instances of his age being questioned in canon are replaced with him being made fun of for his bad facial hair. all mentions of a union are gone) Senshi - Samuel Izutsumi - Isabelle (was tulip in the old party)

Kabru - Kyle (very overtly an evil antagonist who wants to hurt larry, also openly in love with rebecca) Rin - Rebecca Holm - Harold Daya - Denise Kuro - Fido Mickbell - Maddison (a girl now and HEAVILY gendered so nobody is confused)

Mithrun - Michael (also blatantly evil, like kyle) Pattadol - Patty Cithis - Cindy Otta - Oswald (a man now, and given pants) Fleki - Fran (a crazy lady now, but not because of drugs! she's just kooky and silly) Lycion - Lupin

Mr. and Mrs. Tansu - Mr. and Mrs. Thompson Kaka - Kenneth Kiki - Kennedy Namari - Nancy (her dad vanished one day without a trace for unknown reasons and she's been trying to get him back)

Toshiro Nakamoto - Thaddeus Nicholson (everyone thinks his name is chad, he and felicity are openly engaged) Maizuru - Marigold Hien - Holly Benichidori - Bluebell Inutade - Ivy

Thistle - Poppy (a girl now) Delgal - Dennis Yaad - Edward The Winged Lion - Leo, until his true nature is revealed, and then Lucifer

and now, some screenshots from @sleepiercreature:

[idk6123]

The List (Dennis Reynolds X Male reader)

“Why did you make a list?” Charlie asks.

“Because I like to organize my stuff.”

The gang again have their usual antics. Today, Y/N is writing down names of men he knows he would sleep with or not. Standing behind the bar, he writes on a piece of paper, with the rest of the gang chatting with him.

“That is the most autistic thing I ever heard.” Dee comments.

“Then maybe you should be autistic because you’re life is a mess.” Y/N responds back as he continues writing names.

Frank frowns. “You better not bang me.”

“Don’t worry, you’re in the category ‘Avoid at all costs’.”

Mac leans a bit further in, eager to see the names. “How many of these categories do you even got?”

Y/N stops writing and lift up the paper, ready to read it out. “To best to worst, ‘Yes, please’, ‘Would be cool’, ‘Wouldn’t mind’, ‘I rather not’, ‘No, thanks’, ‘Gross, no’, ‘Avoid at all costs’, ‘I don’t like incest.’”

Charlie then got curious. “Well, where am I then?”

“You’re in ‘would be cool’.”

“Really?” Charlie smiles, feeling flattered. “Thank you.”

“W-Where am I then?” Mac asks, now feeling curious too.

“You’re in the same place as Charlie.”

“Yes!” Mac looks proud, before dropping his true feelings. “I-I mean, I would never fuck a guy. That’s gay.”

Dee cocks an eyebrow. “Then why did you ask?”

Dennis then leans at the bar. “Where did you put me?”

“’No, thanks’.”

Dennis gasps a bit. “No thanks? You don’t want to sleep with me?” He stares at his friend. “Really?”

“Yes.”

“So get me straight. You would rather sleep with Mac, and even Charlie, then me?”

“Yes.”

Dennis stares at the other man a few seconds. “Is there any chance you’re blind, or even retarded?” He let out an awkward laughter.

“No.”

“Have you checked!?” Dennis flips a bit out, causing everyone to flinch, until he calms down. “Give me that.” The psychopath yanks the list from his friend to read at it, seeing multiple names Y/N either knows or some celebrities. He then gasps. “You put Rickety Cricket wouldn’t mind!?”

“You’re missed reading ‘before he got ugly’.” Y/N says as he points at the list.

Dennis then gasps further. “You put Bill Ponderosa higher than me!?”

“That’s also before he got completely fucked up. You’re not reading the context.”

“I don’t care about the context! They shouldn’t be above me in the first place!” Dennis yells.

“It’s not true at all. I put the McPoyles in ‘I don’t like incest’, which is kinda impressive, since they’re the only ones I’m not related to.”

Dennis then let out an awkward, but also a maniacal soft laugh as he looks back at the rest. “You all hear that? I’m better than the McPoyles.” He continues to laugh, with some of the gang looking awkward at each other, clearly uncomfortable thanks to the mental breakdown. “I’m JUST better than them. Not Bill Ponderosa! Not Rickety Cricket! Not Mac and Charlie! Just them!”

“Aren’t you overreacting just-?”

Dennis then interrupts Y/N. “Why? Do you get a type for ugly men? Are you stupid?”

“You’re just not my type.”

Dennis laughs it off. “Not your type, huh? You’re saying that I’m not good enough for you?”

“Ye-”

“Well, YOU’RE WRONG!” Dennis instantly stops laughing and shouts, throwing the piece of paper aside. “Clearly, you got some dumb disorder in your brain, because everyone wants to be either me or sleep with me!” The blonde then walks away, visibly upset by the entire conversation.

Everyone looks a bit stunned, with Y/N looking back at the gang. “What just happened?”

-

The next day, Y/N is back working behind the bar. It doesn’t take long before the rest of the gang gets into the bar, one of them is Dennis. Y/N instantly knows something is up with him, as the narcissist is wearing more casual clothing instead of his regular wear.

“Morning.”

“Morning.” Y/N responds with a bit unease, as Dennis merely displays a charming smile.

Dennis then goes in front of the bar, leaning against it. “I just want to apologize for yesterday. I shouldn’t react the way I did. I-I just hope you realize…” Y/N raises an eyebrow as his friend acts hurt. “That it really means a lot, t-that you think of me like that.”

“Well, sorry.” Y/N responds, wanting to be nice, even if he can tell Dennis is pretending. “I didn’t mean to insult you.”

“It’s alright.” Dennis leans a bit closer. “I mean, your taste must be just next-level if you’re putting Charlie and Mac above me. You must see things that no one else can.”

“Right…” Y/N awkwardly responds. He then sees Dennis staring a bit unsettling at him, even if a smile is helping his creepiness. “What?”

“S-Sorry.” Dennis pretends to look flustered. “I just never realize how good looking you are.”

“Thanks…?”

“I mean, you’re so fit.” Dennis gives a charming smile. “I bet you work-out a lot. Speaking of which, can you help me get the booze into the bar? Since you’re so strong and all, I think you’re better at it.”

“Okay…”

Thus, Y/N gets at the back of the bar, grabbing the alcohol and bringing it in the bar. As he does, Dennis keeps complimenting his strength, while Y/N is more annoyed, his friend isn’t doing anything.

“Fine, I help.” Dennis gets over to one of the crates and tries to lift it up, only to struggle. “Shit. Y/N, can you help me?”

“You did fine last week.”

“I know. I just got a sore muscle.” Dennis stands back up, holding his arm and pretending to be in pain. “Luckily, I got you to help me.”

Y/N rolls his eyes, wishing he could’ve gotten a different job instead of working with Dennis Reynolds.

-

As hours passed, Y/N regrets making the list, as Dennis keeps bothering him, even if it is just some complements. All he wants is to work, and yet somehow always the gang never works. He accepted this, but he doesn’t accept being annoyed. It makes him a bit surprised when Dennis suddenly acts differently.

“I know you like fine, but I think you could look better.” Dennis then put a button-up shirt against Y/N’s chest without any shame. “Yeah, this looks a lot better on you. It matches your eyes. You’re lucky you got me. Don’t worry, I always got you covered when it comes to your bad fashion sense.”

As much as Y/N tries to ignore the weird insults while Dennis makes himself more worthy. Thus, during the rest of the night, the narcissist tries to impress Y/N by unusual means.

“Wow.” Dennis comments, leaning against the bar as Y/N tries to collect some glasses from a bar table. He looks back, catching that Dennis was staring at his ass. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to stare. You just got a great body.”

“Uh-huh.”

“But I think you look better.” Dennis then whips out skin-tight pants from behind the bar, with Y/N wondering if he always plans out his complements ahead. “I know your butt is important for you, so I got you these. These emphasizes your butt. It makes it look bigger and better, without making you look fat.”

“Oh… okay?”

“Try them on.” Dennis throws the pants to Y/N, causing him to have the glass fall on the ground, breaking it. “I want to see the results.”

“Dennis, don’t throw shit at me!”

“Oh, I’m sorry!” Dennis sounds too sincere. “I-I guess I was too eager to find out how good you look. No need to thank me though. Just keep in mind, whenever you need help with your outfit, you can go to Dennis Reynolds.”

Y/N sighs, putting the pants on the bar table and walks away, now needing to clean the glass shards.

-

When midnight arrived, Y/N just wanted to go to bed. Thus, while getting into his sweatpants, he’s ready to hit the hay. When he was about to do so, he heard a knock on his door. Once he gets over it and opens it, he quickly frowns.

“Oh no.”

“Y/N.” Dennis gives a gleeful smile. “It’s good seeing you- wow… you look handsome in sweats.”

“What do you want?”

“I just want to spend time with you.” Dennis put his arm on Y/N’s shoulder, who frowns a bit. “I want to get to know you on a deeper and personal level.”

“Really?”

“Yes.” Dennis’ voice deepens and gets closer. “Because you’re special, and I want you to know that.”

“Shouldn’t you be back at your apartment?”

“I rather be with you.” Dennis invites himself in, even closing the door behind him. The blonde then puts his hands on his friend’s shoulder. “Don’t you feel it too?”

“The feeling to want to go to therapy?”

“Yes. A therapy of love.” Dennis then focuses on a certain spot on Y/N’s face, which makes his friend feel anxious.

“What?”

“There is a spot on your face.” Dennis then grabs something from his pocket. “Do you want a tissue?”

“No.”

Dennis’ eyes begin to twitch as his face finally breaks. “Alright, this is how this is going to go. We have sex, you will love it, and you put me on the number 1 spot. Not just on the highest category, I want you to create a new category with just me called ‘Dennis Reynolds’. And then, when you love so much, you wish you can have more of me, but I won’t be there.”

Y/N raises a concerned eyebrow. “If I sleep with you, will you leave me alone?”

“Yes.”

-

With their naked bodies under the blankets, Dennis smiles a bit while Y/N looks stoically. The golden god looks to his side.

“And? Tell me you’re wrong.”

“Eh.”

Dennis looks irritable. “Eh? You think sex with me is eh?”

Y/N shrugs. “Had better.”

“Who then?!” Dennis shouts again. “Tell me his name and I promise you; I prove to you I can do better.”

“Yeah… no, I’m not going to do that.”

Dennis groans. “Well, what do you THINK I did wrong then?”

“Dunno.” Y/N shrugs. “You were a bit stiff.”

“Stiff? You think I am stiff?”

“Yes… that was the answer to the question you asked.”

Dennis groans. “You’re ridiculous!” He then realizes something. “Alright, clearly, I was in the wrong position. Let’s do it again.”

“No, I’m going to sleep.” Y/N says, turning his back and closes his eyes.

Dennis growls. “Fine! Tomorrow then!”

-

While the gang is again at the bar, they awkwardly see Dennis flirting with Y/N. Whether it’s putting his hands on his body, or ‘accidentally’ touching a personal spot of Y/N.

“Why resist it?” Dennis asks in a deeper voice, as Y/N is leaning against the bar, merely watching a YouTube video. “You, me, the best sex ever existed.”

“Not in the mood.”

“Well, I can change that.” Dennis says as he gets closer.

“I got a break in 2 hours. No sex before that.”

Dennis tiredly sighs. “Fine…” He turns around and walks away, into the office.

The gang then is ready to speak up.

“Did you had sex with Dennis?” Mac asks.

“Yes.”

“You didn’t think it was good?” Dee then asks.

“No, it was great.” Y/N cracks out a smirk.

The gang looks confused. “T-Then why are you-?”

“Because I have him on the hook.” Y/N clarifies, interrupting Frank. “You really think Dennis could ever settle, especially for a guy? Now, I can go to the best dates ever, all the while having Dennis believe he needs to prove himself.”

The gang looks impressed, especially Charlie. “You think that will work on the waitress?”

Y/N sighs. “No, because she doesn’t have to prove anything. Dennis on the other hand is a fragile and desperate man, exactly my type.”

[starstruckbyacomet]

Brilliant Minds vs. 9-1-1

A True Lover vs. an Abusive Lover

A post from @bugboybuck about how Brilliant Minds is telling a queer love story (Wolf x Nichols) compared to 9-1-1 (Buck x Tommy) intrigued me. If anyone interested, here's a playlist of Wolf x Nichols' story on YouTube:

A. SIMILARITIES & DIFFERENCES

There are things in the Wolf x Nichols's love story which are similar with Buck x Tommy's of 9-1-1:

Dr. Josh Nichols (a.k.a. Nichols) is a gay man in his 40s.

Nichols is a military veteran, who survived the DADT era.

There's a period when Nichols didn't appear on screen.

Nichols broke up with Dr. Oliver Wolf (a.k.a. Wolf) when their relationship was still new.

Sound familiar?

And here's how Brilliant Minds is telling its queer love story better differently:

1)) Interactions between Wolf and Nichols are front and center. They're collaborating a lot in handling high risk medical cases. It helps that both Zachary Quinto (who plays Wolf) and Teddy Sears (who plays Nichols) are main casts, like Ronen Rubinstein and Rafael Silva in Lone Star. Thus, Wolf x Nichols' relationship is treated more like Tarlos' relationship than Tevan's.

2)) Wolf fought for their relationship. Brilliant Minds depicts Oliver Wolf as a genius and relentless doctor. Wolf does anything and everything for his patients. He broke a bunch of hospital rules, challenged the head of neurosurgeon (Nichols), took a patient out of hospital right before a scheduled surgery to grant the patient's last wish. Even when a patient gave up and wanted to die, Wolf didn't give up. Thus, when Nichols broke up with him, Wolf also didn't give up. He fought for another chance with Nichols.

Wolf's attitude is very much in contrast with Buck's. On episode 4x05, Athena has said that being Buck meant never give up. However, Buck's attitude after Tommy broke up with him is pretty much giving up their relationship.

3)) Nichols' presence could be felt even when he was not on screen. When Nichols had to attend a medical conference out of the city, his name was mentioned in conversations. Wolf had been sending him voice messages (Wolf didn't have a mobile phone), until finally Nichols sent Wolf a mobile phone as a gift. Wolf was also seen receiving a call from Nichols using his brand new mobile phone. Each of those scenes only last a few seconds, and Nichols was not physically present in them, not even his voice was. However, the audience could feel his presence, and feel that their love story is continuing.

How is this contrast with the way 9-1-1 treated Tevan? Oh, where should I begin? @do-androids-dream-ao3acc has posted signs that the show has undermined Tevan's relationship once Season 8 started, even before the break up:

Nobody ever mentioning Tommy, not even Buck.

Not one kiss in all of those episodes, except the fleeting cheek kiss in the break-up episode.

Six months and still no obvious inclusion of Tommy (back) into the 118 group, except when he was accompanying Buck who was waiting for Denny's surgery in the hospital.

After the break up, the signs are even more clear:

Buck was flustered when talking with a woman during his anniversary date with Tommy. Despite making Buck seemed rude and tactless, what is the actual purpose of this scene? It seems to remind the audience that Buck is still attracted to women, hence laying the ground for Buck's rebound relationships which most likely will involve women.

Buck didn't seem to mourn the break up. He was channeling his supposed brokenheart into baking, but he didn't seem to be grieving. He seemed anxious/upset when talking about Tommy, but not mourning or depressed. His demeanor even back to normal on the scenes when he didn't talk about Tommy, like on emergency scenes, or while watching Hotshots together with his team. Heck, Tevan fans have been grieving the relationship more than Buck has.

They made light the break up by having Buck baking. The show might want to emphasize the 'comedic' side of this supposed 'romcom'. However, it came off as tone-deaf since the audience was grieving more than Buck was.

People close to Buck seemed to want him to move on instead of to be back together with Tommy. In Season 7, Bobby said Tommy was good for Buck, and Henren asked Tommy about his intention with Buck. However, after the break up, no one seemed to talk to either Buck or Tommy about it. They even took Buck's phone away in one ocassion, prevented Buck from contacting Tommy and having a discussion with him like adults.

B. THE MIXED SIGNALS

Despite the above negative signals, the show has also been giving baits positive signs about the possibility of Tevan's reunion:

Buck is still in a baking frenzy because he is supposed to be still thinking about Tommy.

#TommybubblesBuck in episode 8x07 "Hotshots".

In a Screen Rant article, Tim Minear blatantly mentioned about the possibility of characters' return, including Brad and Tommy without promising anything concrete.

So far, we have been receiving mixed signals about Tevan's reunion:

If they haven't planned for Tevan's reunion, why did they show #TommybubblesBuck? It would be easier if they showed that Tommy went cold turkey on Buck.

If they've planned for Tevan's reunion, why didn't they made the 118 family showed more concern/support on the relationship? It would more make sense if Bobby/Hen/Maddie encouraged Buck to talk to Tommy.

If they have planned for Tevan's reunion, WHY DID THEY SEND MIXED SIGNALS AT ALL???

It is clear that Tevan's relationship is popular. Their kissing scenes went viral...twice, and the unusual amount of complaints about the break up indicates that even some parts the General Audience want them to be together. The queer love story has also attracted new viewers to the show, some of them are among us in this fandom. If they've planned for Tevan's reunion, there is no use in giving negative signals. It could even make people misunderstand and stop watching the show, thinking that Tevan has broken up for good.

Sending mixed signals becomes made sense when we realize that THEY ACTUALLY DIDN'T PLAN TO MAKE TEVAN REUNITED.

There's already one established queer couple on the show: Henren. Having another queer couple incures a risk of upsetting the majority of the audience. However, due to its popularity, making the break up permanent also incures a risk of losing a part of audience, who has been watching the show mainly for Tevan.

The safest way to keep most of the audience is by giving the majority what they want, while implying other things to the 'non-majority, but-quite-significant-in-number' audience. It is possible that they plan to do tommybaiting until near the end of this season, before finally showing Tommy up to bait the audience to watch the next season. After all, they've been baiting Buddie stans for 6 years and counting. They made Buck admired/envied Eddie's physique. They made Maddie teased Buck about his boycrush on Eddie. They made a stranger in Santa Clause costume thought that Christopher was Buck & Eddie's son. They made Buck Christopher's legal guardian, although insisted in an interview that it was a platonic gesture. They made Eddie showed up in front of Buck, right after TK implied that Buck was queer. They made Eddie talked about beard, right after he mentioned that he was straight. They made Buck sat next to Eddie in his underwear on 8x06. They've been giving mixed signals to Buddie stans all these years, to keep them watching & supporting the show, without ever making Buddie canon. They could apply the same strategy to a slightly different group of audience.

C. THE ABUSIVE LOVER

@hunter470 has pointed out how bad the show has treated Tommy and Tevan's love story overall. It is even more obvious when being compared to the way the show treated Brad Torrence, the fake captain of Hotshots. I hadn't fully comprehended how bad it was, until I watched Wolf x Nichols' love story in Brilliant Minds, then compared it to Tevan's. It is similar like being in an abusive relationship. You didn't know how bad you've been treated by 9-1-1, until you experience what a healthy relationship with Brilliant Minds can give you.

At this point, I'm convinced that only a risk of losing audience could move the show to make Tevan reunited. The rating of 8x08 "Wannabe" is better than 8x07 "Hotshots", so I don't know whether us boycotting the show would be effective or not. Probably not. However, I plan to keep boycotting, for the slight chance of it'll help making Tevan reunited sooner, and to retaliate their deceitful way of baiting more viewers by promising a properly handled queer love story.

[calvincell]

I’ve been making my way through my 3rd re-listen of the incredible podcast - Batman: The Audio Adventures & just appreciating once more not only how terrifically written it is by showrunner Dennis McNicholas but also incredibly well acted by all of the amazing cast. For any unaware, the podcast is an audio fiction blend of comedy & superhero drama that was previously only an exclusive for HBO MAX subscribers back in 2021 but now both released seasons are freely available on literally every podcast app including on MAX’s own YT Channel itself, no subscription required.

In particular, I love the Harvey Dent moment we get in Season 1 - Episode 6 - “The Whale of Damocles”:

I have to first off praise the inspired creative choice the series makes to give Two-Face the dynamic that his personas are essentially like constantly bickering twin brothers - arguing, name calling & posturing but still inseparable at the end of the day.

In the scene in question, Harvey’s binary obsession has allowed The Penguin to easily lure Dent to his favorite pier on the Gotham Wharf, Pier 2, to prevent a planted bomb from destroying it. Batman arrives soon after as Dent’s desperate search brings him to the most perilous part of the pier. Batman is so earnestly trying to appeal to Harvey to stop that he almost can’t prevent slipping into his Bruce Wayne voice when we then get an excellent memorable moment (@ ~31:50) where we get a glimpse at the tortorus psychosis Harvey is living through:

Harvey gives this tragic peek into his mind as he extols the awe-inspiring & nightmarish gospel he shares with his violent other half. It’s not only a very well written torrent of mad thoughts but also brilliantly & emotionally performed by Harvey/Two-Face’s VA: Ike Barinholtz. Batinholtz truly makes Harvey sound simultaneously mesmerized, terrified & sorrowful - on the verge of tears as he tells his former friend about the completely fractured way he views the world now & Batman’s actor Jeffrey Wright matches it with his desperate pleas to Harvey’s true self colored by the unflinching compassion he has for Dent.

For how invested the show is in genuinely trying to revive a bit of the Adam West era charm and fun camp & IMO successfully making the show legitimately funny, I believe it’s also equally in touch with the aspects of the franchise exemplified in shows like BTAS ie the darkness of the setting & emotionally resonant tragedy of both Batman himself and the different members within his rogues gallery. The show is not just sharp on a comedic level but also earnestly intriguing & engaging dramatically as well.

I have no doubt sung this show’s praises before but I don’t plan to stop anytime soon because I truly believe that the series is a must listen for every fan of Batman, superheroes & audio fiction/audio dramas generally. From top to bottom, the series is a brilliant production and stands to me personally as amongst the best content within the umbrella of DC Comics at least within the last decade.

[kalmeria]

okay random thoughts after fawx & stallion chapter 16

under the cut for spoilers

holy shit etc etc. it has been said. still true.

fitzy things that were put into new light for me:

“john”. he said his name was “john”.

the whole thing about watson’s writing obviously. (also that bit at the beginning of the episode where he is there as press? very much makes relistening to at least the episode worth it)

at the end of last episode the way he said thay he saw watson was weird. and then i forgot about it. and now it makes perfect sense again.

the conversation about being grateful. ugh.

btw he said there that he gets to do what he wants and follow the leads that he wants. this motherfucker.

his reaction to them saying they broke in to their flat is gold

also the whole first introduction where he lists hampton’s petty behavior towards holmes. of course he knows about it. of course.

his presence being easily overlooked. yep.

btw he is the one who points out that the letter is unfinished. he would know it’s not real.

anyways. i love fitzy. i will continue to call him fitzy. he was a threatening presence when introduced (he was too well informed and thats not good when you are in the closet) but he very quickly grew on me. and then continued to grow on me even more. i am pleased with this development.

i think it is genius to make a story about such iconic and well known characters and have one of them missing for the first half of it, and introduce the other one without telling us who they are. they established a whole character. before saying oh yeah this is our sherlock holmes. again very smart thing to do and also a great experience as a listener.

i am not even talking about the contents of the episode because it is too much. but it was just beautiful.

i wrote it for him. i always read it. the thing i wish i had mentioned. i didn’t think it was important (to you). you didn’t think it was important. he didn’t leave anything for me. ettttt cetera. yeah.

can’t believe they fit a whole ass love story in this episode. with a breakup. and mourning.

oh yeah. phenomenal acting by the way. it hurt.

other note: whats up with dennis. archie said he was more of an actor than a waiter but he said he did not want to be an actor and it’s not his thing. maybe these things are both true and he wasn’t very good at either things. he did seem genuinely nice though. i wonder.

oh yeah one more thing. lucius’ comment about flatmate inheritance law was so painful. like yeah you can spend a decade living with someone but still you are legally no one to them. as opposed to their estranged family for example. sucks how relevant this topic still is

[cultven]

Sweet Dee Sets Her Roommate on Fire (Again)

Platonic It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia x Reader

Summary: After Dennis finds out you were looking for a new roommate, he immediately comes to a simple conclusion: why not kill Dee's loneliness and your neediness with one stone?

Subplot: The guys seek out more female friends.

Word Count: 4.3k

a/n: This is likely going to be a part of a new series I'm going to make with the reader being Paddy's bartender and a part of the gang. I try not to use Y/N, so sometimes when I have to name the reader, I'll use Dear Bartender or something, similar to how they refer to Sweet Dee and Waitress. I have a whole list of plot ideas, so hopefully you guys enjoy!

2:37 PM

ON A FRIDAY

PHILADELPHIA 

“What is this?” You glance up from scrubbing down the bar to see Dennis holding a piece of paper much too close to your face. Even squinting, you couldn’t make out the words. 

“Hm?” Taking the flyer out of his hands, you instantly knew what it was: a vain attempt at finding yourself a roommate. “Oh yeah, rent is skyrocketing in my building, so I’m probably gonna have to rent out my spare bedroom. Sucks.” You simply shrug and go back to your work. Needing a roommate was not the end of the world, you only hoped it was someone normal you could maybe hang out with before the Gang irreparably turns you to the dark side. But honestly, maybe you were already at that point. 

“Why are you relying on a piece of paper to find you a roommate?” Dennis asks, alerting you of his presence, alongside Charlie and Frank.

“Yeah, are you really like so sad and lonely?” Mac chimed in. 

In response to the average taunts, you only roll your eyes and continue with your work. You swear this bar would have collapsed ages ago if it weren't for you. But of course, Dennis was not pleased with your response, or lack thereof, and decided to provoke further. “Wanted roommate for a young female,” he read, “God damn, are you trying to attract molesters?”

Finally giving in to the four men, you bite. “Well, it’s not like I have any other options!” The rag you were cleaning with was hastily thrown down towards the counter. “You guys have prevented me from making literally any other friends in this city.” 

Charlie makes his usual ridiculously confused face, “How?” 

“Ninety-five percent of Philadelphians have beef with you guys, while the other five percent are the lunatics you guys interact with! There is practically no middle ground here.” 

Dennis, as always, rebuttals your reasonable points, “Now that is not true, we surround ourselves only with the sensible people of this city. The rest are just freaks.” 

“See!” You toss your hands in the air dramatically. “This is what I mean! You drive people away with your ridiculous middle school insults. Just… please don’t tamper with my search.” 

“Well how about we help you!” Frank suggests. Great, you only set yourself up worse. 

“Ohh, oh yeah!” Charlie practically bounces on the bar stool, clearly excited for the day’s adventure. There was no way in hell you were letting these guys help you with this. 

“What women do you guys possibly know that you are on good terms with?” Crossing your arms, you beam a satisfied look, taking notice of the lost faces across from you. After a second, Mac tries. 

“Um, oh! Well, there’s Artemis.” A slew of agreements follow, paired with nodding heads, as if this were some sort of amazing revelation. 

“Ah, wait, no good.” Frank pipes up, everyone turning in his direction. “We had a little fight the other day. I won’t go into details, but it had to do with a burger, pole, and dumpster.” A single small, comedic tear falls from Frank’s eye. You would have laughed if he didn’t look so genuinely distraught. 

“Right.” You stare, hoping the boys will drop it now. 

“Okay.” Dennis puts his hands up, clearly not ready to accept defeat. “Well, I for one know plenty of women. Just go window shopping with my sex tapes. Lots of fine ass in those.” 

“That is absolutely not happening.”

Charlie suddenly displayed a look of pure happiness on his face. “The waitress could room with you! She’s clean and nice. Oh! Then you could invite me for movie nights, and she’d come out of her bedroom all hot in her pajamas and be all like “ah Charlie, why are you here?! Get out! You’re so sexy!” A fit of giggles follows the ridiculous statement. 

“Jesus Christ, Charlie. No, I am not putting that woman in more danger.” You sigh, wishing everyone would just drop it. “This is a useless conversation. Can you just put the sign back up-“ 

You were cut off by Dennis, “Now hold on a minute, our sweet bartender. I have a brilliant idea. Why don’t you room with Dee? While I would hardly consider her a woman, she is always complaining about how lonely and sad she is, and it really ticks me off.” 

You had contemplated this idea before, seeing as Dee was the only stable woman in your life, but you settled on no for a multitude of reasons. Mostly the fact that she’s equally as batshit as the rest of the group. “Yeah, I dunno…”

“Ayo! Wassup.” Speak of the devil.

Mac’s fat mouth speaks up, “Oh Dee! We were just talking about how our friend here wants to like move in with you and be best friends or whatever.” 

“What?! Dee I-“ You attempt to protest, but were unsurprisingly cut off once again.

“Woah, it would be nice to have someone around to do the dishes.” Dee seemed entirely too entranced by the idea. “Alright, I accept.” 

“No!” You yell, catching everyone’s attention, pointing a finger at Dee. “No, no, no, no. I want a real roommate. Not one that is probably going to light me on fire in my sleep!” Dee looks insulted by your claims.

“Hey, hey! I am a great roommate, that was literally one time.” Dee crosses her arms and mutters to herself, “Burn a girl once and everyone will bring it up forever, huh.”

Deciding you were completely done with this debate, you snatch the paper out of Dennis’ unsuspecting hands. “Great, okay, well I’m just gonna go out and put this back up…” As you move towards the front door, Dee pops in front of you in a jumpscare pose. “Wha-” Before you have time to properly react, your flyer was torn out of your hand and effectively ripped apart. 

“Nuh-uh, boner. I’m gonna prove to you just how good of a roommate I can be.”

____________________

SWEET DEE SETS HER ROOMMATE ON FIRE (AGAIN)

____________________

Shortly after Dee drags you off to do God-knows-what, the four men of the group idly sit around the bar drinking. It’s silent until Mac speaks up, “See, now I’m really bummed out that we don’t have any bangable chicks we know.”

Dennis looks up from his intense stare at a stray crumb, eyebrow raised. “Why does that upset you?”

Before Mac could question what Dennis meant, Charlie pipes up, “Nah, I know what you mean, man. I mean, I would love not to have the waitress run away from me anytime we make eye contact.”

“I do not think those are comparable things.” Dennis critiqued as the others made sad noises of loneliness. “Look, why don’t we make some new lady friends?! C’mon, we’re young, single, handsome bachelors. Mostly.” He eyes Frank. “We can easily find a chick or two to bang and hang around with, or whatever it is you may want from them.” Dennis vaguely gestures to Mac.

Frank looks pleased by this suggestion. “It would be good to broaden my horizons. I want one with really big tits.” Frank squeezes the air suggestively. 

“Okay, yeah, that’s great, Frank. You are barely invited to this outing, but oh well.” Dennis dismisses.

“I want one that likes weird smells!”

“I want one that’s like super buff and tall and also like a model.”

“Right, Mac.”

“Well, how are we gonna find these women?” Charlie asks out loud, turning to Dennis as if he had all the answers.

Luckily for Charlie, Dennis thinks he has all the answers. “Where do women gravitate to most, Charlie?”

“Kitchens.”

“They should be in psych wards.”

“Or driving lessons.”

“God damn it, no! The mall! The mall is where women go- let’s just go. God, no wonder we have no women friends.” Dennis spews as he ushers the three men out the door towards his Range Rover. 

____________________

“A little small, but I can make it work.” Dee throws her bags on the floor of your apartment upon arrival, looking around suspiciously. She walks around, poking and prodding everything in her path. She eventually reaches a door, one that she slides open without hesitation. “Hey, this room is the shit! This mine?”

“No, that’s mine.” You linger behind the blonde, keeping a watchful eye to make sure she doesn’t touch anything of yours.

“Aww c’mon.” She thinks for a second. “Wanna tradesies?”

“You haven’t even seen the other room yet.” Dee shrugs, and you take her to her room on the opposite side of the apartment. 

“Alright, but it better be tits because I sold my old apartment.”

“This is yours.” It was a modest room, slightly smaller than your own, but not by a considerable amount. You knew Dee wouldn’t be satisfied by this, which only contributed to your list of reasons she shouldn’t live in your apartment.

“Okay, fine. But where am I supposed to do my acting exercises?”

“Acting exercises?” You question, raises a brow as she throws her junk into the clean room. 

“Yeah, my acting coach says it’s good for my form. Watch this.” Dee walks into the middle of the room and takes on a ridiculous yoga pose, one you’re not sure a human body could contort into. “I go like this, and then I do my tongue twisters. You see, it’s good to get into the mind of the twisters and kinda like be a pretzel to really resonate with your words.”

“Right, and your ‘acting coach’ tells you to do this?”

“Yeah, he’s like $200 an hour, so he has to be good.”

“Okay, nice, I’m just going to walk away from this ridiculous display and let you um, settle in.” You slowly back away from the room as Dee audibly struggles to get out of the pose she forced her body into. 

____________________

“God! We’ve been walking around this mall forever, and still no hot chicks want us!” Frank exclaims, limping slightly behind the other three guys. “Ugh, can we stop for a sec? My bunions are hating this.”

“Jesus, Frank,” Dennis begins as he watches his former father sit directly on the ground and pull his shoes off. “Do you ever consider that maybe your grotesque behavior is the cause?”

“I think Charlie also plays a role in that.” Mac chimes in, pointing at Charlie, who is only standing there, watching the scene unfold.

“What?! What did I do, dude?!”

“Bro, you smell like shit.”

“No, I don’t! It’s my natural musk, I heard the ladies love that.”

“I don’t know what ‘ladies’ you are referring to, Charlie, but I can assure you that no respectable woman enjoys the smell of shit.” Dennis chimes in. 

“Well then, how do we get the ladies to like us?” Frank asks from the ground, massaging his bare feet in the middle of the walkway.

“Maybe start with putting your revolting feet away, Frank.” Dennis sighs, massaging his brow bone in thought. “Look, I like to think I am in tune with women, and something they thrive on is attention and persistence. Do you remember that girl Ashley I picked up a week ago?”

“The one you followed until she got a restraining order?”

“No, no, the other one. Anyway, the point is, I would go to her job every day and tip heavily, setting the stage for a slow but steady incline in our relationship.”

“So you want us to pay these broads?” Frank asked.

“Are all women just prostitutes then?” Charlie asked, not fully understanding what was happening.

“No! She admired my persistence and how I kept coming back, no matter how ridiculously overpriced the food was. It showed how dedicated and valuable I am while also demonstrating how valuable I think she is, in theory.” Dennis shrugs after the last bit. 

“I don’t get it,” Mac states, looking dumbfounded alongside Frank and Charlie.

“Dear lord, do I really have to spell everything out for you people?” Dennis questions as the other three stare at him like a deer in headlights. “We’ll do a stakeout! We will persist with these women and vow not to leave until we find someone suitable.

“Can we get Charlie a bath before we start this? I really cannot stand his stench.” Mac plugs his nose, side-eyeing his friend from a short distance.

“Fine, yes. C’mon, Charlie, let’s go to Bath and BodyWorks.”

“Ohh! I hope they got foot cream!”

____________________

“Alright, good night, Dee. I’m going to bed.” You yawn after your show ends, picking up your dishes and heading towards the kitchen.

“What? Are you like a grandma or something, c’mon let’s go out.” Dee is currently dancing around your living room. “I’m ready to get crunk!” 

“I have to open the bar tomorrow, so I kinda have to sleep.”

“You’re so lame.” Dee huffs, walking towards the fridge and cracking a beer open.

“Right,” You roll your eyes, entering your room. “Night!” 

“Wait!” Dee exclaims, causing you to turn around. “Before you leave, can you rate my moves? I usually don’t have anyone around to check them out before I go to the club.” She instantly begins doing a horrendous combination of both robot and 80s disco dance moves, effectively looking utterly ridiculous. “Sexy, huh?”

“If I say yes, will you let me sleep?

“Sure.”

“Then yes.” You slam the door, ready to fall onto your soft mattress and allow sleep to take over your system. Right as your head hits the pillow, loud pop music plays from your living room. “Dee!” You sit up in bed and angrily walk towards your living room. Upon your entrance, Dee seems to light up.

“Aye! You change your mind?”

“No! I need to sleep! Turn down this God awful music.”

“Well, how am I supposed to pre-game with no music?” 

“I don’t know, I don’t care!”

“Mhm.” Dee just glares at you for a second before there is a knock on the door. “Oh! That must be the party.” 

“I’m sorry?” Dee opens the door, and standing there is Artemis, the Waitress whose name you never really caught, and Charlie’s mother, for some reason. 

“Heyo!” Dee exclaims at the clearly already intoxicated crowd as they enter your living room. The three women acknowledge you, slurring their words and smiling without a care in the world. 

You stand in your pajamas, defeated, staring at the insanity happening in front of you. “Dee, no! I did not say you could have people over!” Dee just ignores you, dancing around the room, occasionally taking a swig of alcohol. “And Ms. Kelly?! Why are you going clubbing with them?” 

“Oh, I want to find my Charlie a new father, and me a new daddy…” She sighs right before taking a concerningly long drag from a cigarette. 

“Dear God, okay. Well, have fun with all of that, I’m going to go bang my head against the wall until I hopefully concuss myself enough to sleep.” Before you get the chance to disappear, the Waitress grabs hold of your arm and forces a bottle into your hands. 

“Hey, wait, at least do like a few shots with us first.” She slurs, hugging your body for support. You sigh, staring at her pitiful form as the others chime in with their own pleas. 

“Okay, okay.. Fine, one shot wouldn’t hurt, I guess.” You were met with a reply of cheers and a clinking of bottles. You missed your quiet apartment, but maybe this wasn’t too bad. 

____________________

“So, how are we going to do this stake-out?” The four men were sampling an insane amount of product as Frank sat on the ground massaging his bare feet. Other patrons simply ignored them, but not without a side-eye glance. 

“Yeah, like should I cook them rare, medium, what do you guys prefer?” Charlie was smelling different products, secretly licking the ones that he deemed to be fit to eat. 

“There is no real steak involved, Charlie. We are simply hanging around the women and charming them. We’ll stay until close.” Dennis states, fixing his hair in the mirror of the complimentary sink. 

“Aw! But then I’m gonna miss my shows…” Mac pouts.

“Yeah, and I was kinda promised steak, and I don’t know if I really wanna do this without the steak.”

“Don’t you guys want sexy women?!” Dennis exclaims a little too loudly, heads turning in his direction. He shoots a charming smile in the direction of the gaze as the other three let out a slew of “yeahs” and “yeses”. Quieting his voice slightly, Dennis continues, “Then just listen to me. They have a Hooters in this mall.”

“Oh! I love Hooters! It’s like the one place where you can stare at a broad’s tits and not get punched in the face for it!”

“Precisely, Frank.” Dennis smugly smiles, already imagining how he’s going to make the hostess swoon over him. 

____________________

You wake up completely disorientated. Your previous pajamas were completely gone and replaced with a small top and short shorts. It was clear you didn’t stay in the apartment last night, but God knows where you ended up instead. “Ugh, what time is it?” You rub your face, wincing at the light your phone produces. 

10:30 AM 

“Fuck.”

“Morning, cock sucker,” Dee calls out from the other side of the living room, looking not nearly as wrecked as you. 

“Dee, what the hell happened last night?” You sit up. 

“I’m not entirely sure. We went to the club. I know that. I think you and Waitress made out, or maybe it was Artemis? I dunno, but there was definitely some scissor sister stuff going on.” Dee casually sips some coffee. 

You only groan, not fully taking her words in. “God, I need water.” Peeling yourself from the ground, you walk to the kitchen doorway. Halfway to the sink, you stop in your tracks and immediately speed walk back to your living room.

“Dee, why is there a random man sitting in our kitchen?” You stare concerningly at the blonde as the strange man in your other room eats away at your groceries.

“I think you mean our kitchen.” Dee corrects, leaning on the wall with her arms crossed. “But yeah, that’s my one-night stand. He says his name is Al Pacino.”

“What?” 

“Yeah, I know, I don’t believe him either.”

“What no- that’s not- Okay. Tell him to get out.” You stare right into Dee’s piercing blue eyes, trying to show her you’re serious. You enjoyed your apartment before the chances of being stabbed in your sleep went up 75%.

“I tried, he won’t.” She shrugged as if this was a normal occurrence.

“What do you mean he won’t?” You follow Dee as she walks away from you, reaching for something under the couch. She comes up victorious with a half-empty bottle of Tito’s. 

“Yeahh, he sorta threatened to burn the place down if I made him leave, so I guess he’s just kinda hanging around here for right now.” She takes a fat swig of the liquor. “That’s cool with you, right, roomie?”

“No! Oh my God, no!”

“Fine, whatever. I’ll be a good roommate and handle this.” Dee rolls her eyes.

“Thank you,” You sigh. Maybe Dee wasn’t such a horrible roommate after all, but to be fair, this was entirely her fault. “Look, I’m gonna go out for a bit, okay? Grabbing a coffee before opening the bar. Can he be gone by the time I get back?”

“I gotchu.” Dee puts a thumbs up and winks. 

____________________

“I cannot believe I have to go all the way to the mall for some good coffee in this city.” You mumble, parking your car and walking towards the crowded area. Right as you were about to head inside, you see four familiar people lying on the ground outside, dirty and cold. Of course, it was the guys. Why wouldn’t it be? Dennis looked the worst out of the guys, face swollen and bloody as if he had been in a fight.

“Jesus, guys!” Your exclamation woke them from their slumber, all groaning in unison and stretching. “What happened?!”

Mac spoke first, seeming to be the most coherent. “Dennis tried to rape the Hooters lady, and her boyfriend beat him up and slashed his tires so we couldn’t get home last night.” Dennis only groans and looks down to hide his face. 

“I did not try to rape her! I was just making her fall in love with me, damn it.”

“God, Dennis, you look awful. You really do look like a rapist.” You stated, not finding much sympathy for the man. “Couldn’t Frank just order an Uber or something?”

“I enjoy nature! Charlie and I haven’t gone camping in a while.” He and Charlie were noticeably the least affected by this endeavor, almost seeming joyed by the events that took place. 

“And by camping, I’m going to assume you mean sleeping on the sidewalk.”

“Yeah, normal camping?” Charlie laughed as if you were the ridiculous one. 

“Look, if you’re here, can you just take us home?” Dennis groans, clearly in pain.

You sigh, “Sure, let me grab a coffee first, ‘kay?” They were your friends after all, no matter how much you question their sanity. 

“Ugh, women and their coffee.” Dennis ridicules you despite his state. “You know what, guys? Why did we even want a woman to hang out with in the first place? They only care about themselves and clearly get off on causing men pain. They’re evil.” 

“We’re the evil ones?”

“You are kinda right, Dennis.” Charlie agrees.

“Our woman friend here is just going to let you be in pain outside while she gets her overpriced womanly coffee!” Frank points at you. 

“Yeah! And like, women are not even that good looking anyway!” Everyone grumbles following Mac’s declaration, not entirely agreeing with his point. 

“Okay, well, this is probably for the best. You guys should not be allowed near women. Just let me know when you guys are done bitching so I can drive you home.” The guys shoo you away as you roll your eyes and begin walking inside the building. 

____________________

The car ride home was filled with the five of you singing at the top of your lungs until you received an incoming call from Dee. “Everyone shut up!” A flurry of protests fills the car as you hit accept. “Wassup?”

“Yeah, hey roomie. Umm, you may wanna come back to the apartment. Like now.” Dee sounds unsure of herself. 

Immediately suspicious, you begin to question. “What did you do?”

“Just get over here.” You pick up the car’s speed 15 over the limit, knowing that Dee has certainly done something horrible to your apartment. Upon arrival, everything seems normal. You hurry up the stairs, the others in tow.

“Everything looks fine,” Charlie states. You open the door and are immediately hit with a wall of smoke. “Oh.” Coughs erupt from all of you as you hear arguing inside the apartment. Cautiously entering your place, a drunken Dee and “Al Pacino” are having a visible yelling contest. 

Dee immediately spots you, “I told you he’d set the place on fire! This is your fault!”

“What are you talking about?!” You wheeze, the smoke effectively filling your lungs. 

“You told me to get rid of him, even after he threatened to burn the place down!” Dee yells. 

“Oh my God-” Before you could finish your sentence, you feel a burning sensation on your arm. Looking down, you notice your sweater has caught fire. “AH!” You yell, looking around for anything to put it out. Mac immediately starts hitting the location of the flames, only succeeding in hitting you rather than snuffing the fire out. 

“Well, this is just great.” Dennis mumbles as “Al Pacino” runs past the gang and out the door, not wanting responsibility for the chaos that was going on. Charlie follows and returns a few moments later. 

Yelling your name to catch your attention, Charlie immediately begins spraying foam in your face from the extinguisher in your apartment’s hallway. Mac soon yells for everyone to leave the apartment before things get worse. 

Standing outside watching the firefighters do their job, Dennis pipes up. “Well, this is unfortunate for you.” There you all stood, one beaten, one intoxicated, one burnt, and three looking shellshocked. The flames from the apartment still roar, pleasantly warming your bodies from the cool outside air.

“Well, thank God I kept my old apartment; this place is a mess.” Dee huffs, crossing her arms. 

“You’ve had your old apartment this entire time!?” You turn slowly in Dee’s direction, glaring at her with a venomous stare. Your body was shaking almost violently, clearly enraged. 

“Duh, Frank pays for my rent,” Dee states indifferently, used to unfathomable rage due to her brother. 

“Then why did you say you sold it?!” You scream, frustrated that all of your valuables were now up in flames and Dee didn’t give a damn about the situation. 

“So you couldnt kick me out dumbass.” Dee laughs, pointing at you like you were an idiot. The others join in with her, laughing. After not receiving a reaction from you and only a blank stare, the laughter dies down into silence. 

Dennis breaks the brief pause, “Well, Dee, I guess you two are sleeping at yours now.”

“What? No!”

“You did kind of burn down her apartment.” Mac challenges, taking your side of things.

“She is your roommate!” Charlie pipes in. 

“C’mon, guys, that’s ridiculous. I only have one bedroom.” 

“You still have that Alaskan bed I bought you, right?” Frank asked, and was responded to with a side glance from Dee. So now here you were, sharing a bed with a sprawled-out, snoring Dee. This may not be your best life, but it’s sure as hell not your worst.