We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and - in spite of True Romance magazines - we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely - at least, not all the time - but essentially, and finally, alone.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
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Nikolai: Mum, Dad, Brandon is coming to dinner tonight. And please, do not say anything embarrassing.
[Later]
Brandon: This food is lovely, Mr and Mrs Hunter.
Rai: Aw, thank you.
Kyle: Thank you, and please call me Kyle.
Brandon: Oh, alright call me Bran then.
Kyle: Oh thank fuck, I've heard enough of Lotus Flower for a lifetime.
Rai:
Brandon:
Mia and Maya:
Nikolai:
Kyle: Do you know how often Nikolai used to talk about you-
Nikolai: DAD.
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Fade into You
Edgy shit. Dumping this here for my own reading. Off the screen stuff my Hunter thinks about.
[TL;DR girl smokes a cigarette and cries about having feelings.]
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I grabbed my radio and slipped out my bedroom window onto the fire escape patio. I sat down and hung my legs over the balcony. My red converse dangled over a two story drop below into an alleyway. One of my favourite pastimes was watching strangers walk by beneath me. I wondered how many were monsters this whole time. One in ten perhaps? Two in four?
I shivered as the night air whipped my collar and licked the back of my neck. I tied up my hair into a half-hearted bun with the scrunchy I wore around my wrist. Any strenuous movement tired my arms out quickly, especially from the lack of blood in my system as of late.
My hand pulled out a pack of Marlboro from my flannel pocket. I bit the filter between my teeth and flicked my zippo lighter to ignite the tip of a cigarette. Made sure to let it simmer before I took the first breath in. Cold, wet winter air hit the back of my throat and nostrils. The poisonous smoke went down smoother than anticipated before I released it through my teeth, mimicking a dragon.
My fingertips reached down to turn the station dial on my radio. I set the volume low to make some sort of background noise to fill the soft raining atmosphere.
I stared out over New Orleans. Lake Pontchartrain was just visible across the horizon. My eyes glazed over as my attention fixated on the Catholic church my real Dad used to make me go to sing in a choir. I was only eight, I thought.
I took another drag of my cigarette. Yeah, I remembered the priest used to give me the creeps.
Fade Into You by Mazzy Star comes on over the radio. It hurt, but I turned it up just to hear the lyrics. I mouth the words as smoke empties my lungs and I think about dying.
I want to hold the hand inside you
I want to take the breath that's true
I look to you, and I see nothing
I look to you to see the truth…
I placed my forehead against the bars of the railing. I tested how hard I can bang my face against the metal until I felt dizzy. All the while, the droning of the song played beside me. I thought about whether I might’ve been overreacting.
You live your life, you go in shadows
You'll come apart, and you'll go black
Some kind of night into your darkness
Colors your eyes with what's not there…
I eventually stopped once I realized it’s pointless to harm myself. I wasn’t even depressed. I think I was angry. Angry at him. Angry at the world. Every barrier I built up over the years was completely bypassed. And I made no mistakes, I made sure I gave myself up for no one. Made sure I was as unlikable as they come. Easy to hate. Hard to be around.
A stranger's light comes on slowly
A stranger's heart without a home
You put your hands into your head
And then smiles cover your heart…
It was simple for me to be spiteful in return. All the friendships that came and went. The pretty boys and girls I had to hurt. Better ruin happiness for myself before anyone else could try. That’s how I thought I could control my life. I loathed myself, so I surrounded myself in a cruel world. Now, I wasn’t able to tell if I was confused. Was this hate I was festering?
Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think it's strange you never knew…
I took one final drag of my cigarette before I flicked the bud from my chilled fingers. It landed in a puddle of rainwater in the alley way. My tired eyes lingered on the movement of the ripples of the water. It was all so mesmerizing. I thought about how my heart wanted to go home. But I didn’t have one. I burned all the bridges. I was long gone.
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"Tall, lithe, and extremely graceful, Sraosha was so beautiful it was hard to look right at him. His long hair flowed around a body that was pure perfection. Every feature appeared to be carved with extreme precision to render him angelic and breathtaking. And for once he allowed her to see his eyes. They were an eerie, iridescent green. Dressed in ancient battle armor, he commanded attention and respect…even from her."
I have been looking forever for this, I like this character.
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