#DOOMED SIBLINGS PLEASE SAVE ME

[yogorlhilanne]

I'm genuinely too lazy to put the images again and the text so just take this screenshot ig

Uh, yeah, this is my Twitter post I recently made but I don't really post much on there anyways

[cryptidslair]

after taking two full business days to process s4ep9 I finally finished succession and what the fuck man. yall weren't lying, this shit stays with you forever. like- this show has opened a pit in my stomach that nothing will ever be able to fill. I'll never be the same person again.

[asksonicverse]

You dont need to answer but I just wanted to tell you I adore Paradox being like "I hate all of them except" and then listing everyone except like 2 guys, honey you don't hate *all* of them you expressly don't hate *most of them*

Extremely charming characterization i adore it

[Creator Special number 2!]

So glad someone noticed that, I was originally going to have him name EVERYONE except Boost but then I was like “nah, Mania is just too annoying for Paradox to tolerate him”

And thanks! I’m trying to be… consistent with my characterization of each of them and stay in line with canon but like… URGH sometimes I want to deviate so bad just to indulge but I resist!

Needless to say tho, prism is probably going to get more affectionate later on. Rewatched Sonic Prime again and bro is a cutie patootie!

Headcanons… headcanons… hmm

Well, starting with the obvious, Paradox goes to therapy as I’ve mentioned which I think is hilarious. He and Lance are the only Shadows who really have their shit together which is why I think Sonadow works well for them? (we stan healthy relationships guys)

I do head canon that Eight doesn’t like being touched really at all anymore. After the metal virus, he grew so used to the fact that he couldn’t touch anyone that it sorta just stuck. He does it to save people, but not anything more. :(

And while I’m a sucker for the Trans Sonic HC I decided not to implement it in this particular AU!

I really want to include Captain Sonic and Shadow, but I haven’t played nor watched a serious play through of the game. (I’ve only really listened to a bit of the Snapcube dub..)

can someone tell me if Shadow is a Barista or a Mechanic in that game btw?? I google it, nothing pops up. I could’ve sworn there was something about a mechanic.

Uhh I LOVE Sonic Frontiers, fire game. If I include that one, it’ll ALSO be Sonamy since I’m pretty sure that game takes place before SA2 in canon?

I’m trying to keep the Sonics and Shadows balanced but I’d love to add Generations Shadow and Sonic. Just thinking of names already I get “Doom” for Shadow and “Emerald” for Sonic. (Referencing the fake emerald from their interaction in the shadow story)

Unfortunately I haven’t seen the Archie comics or Sonic Underground so I wouldn’t even know where to begin.

Someone also asked about if I’d ever include different AU’s: maybe if those AU creators gave me permission I’d be down to do a collab for a few asks or something!

Nope!

I dunno I just..! … how do I do? I’m fast. And you’re slow. That’s how I did it. /ref

Ahahah just kidding! But I am very fast. A few years ago I convinced myself I was a “slow drawer” because I was in a discord server with someone I looked up to (and holy cheese they could draw out fully articulate sketches in like 30 seconds!)

So I got insecure and taught myself to draw really fast. So now I just.. zoom! This does have a terrible draw back where I will very frequently forget smaller details.

Like if you look at half the posts, Shadow is missing his eyeliner and other markings frequently.

THIS IS JUST HILARIOUS TO ME YOU GUYS. PLEASE—

I’ve gotten SO many asks in my box about using Maria to calm the Shadows down or trying to give Shadows “Maria plushies”

Imagine you’re having a bad day and you get a plushie of your dead sibling thrown at you??? LMFAOOOO

I CANT I CANT I CANT PUT THEM THROUGH THAT 💔 Also I see every single ask.

“Do you all like Latinas” and “sonic which shadow is the hottest/shadow which sonic is the hottest” have all been engraved in my brain

Was joking with a friend on how that second question would come out LMFAOO

Previous | Next

[poisonf0rest]

genuine question because youre one of my favorite writers, you seem to really have a thorough grasp of the characters: what do you see in rafayel that makes him appealing? i try to get past his entitled brattiness because i really want to enjoy all of the guys, but i cant see anything else. please help me understand 🥲

Oh boy, baby, darling, sweetheart, you opened a can of worms. Come do a little bit of character analysis with me~

About Rafayel:

Rafayel is a brat, yes. But that means he wears his heart on his sleeve, outright when he needs your attention or sulking when something is bothering him or faking a dramatic accident to get your attention. There's no silent guessing or fake "I'm fine's," just his overdramatic, raw emotion that's easy to read. He's has anxious attachment stemming from hundreds of years of betrayal and loss.

Rafayel is a romantic, a yearner. And yes, while I also agree his attitude was annoying at first I am very unfortunately into people who get on my nerves, especially when they are flirty and funny as well. I folded during his hospital scene.

Entitled? He is a god. He has been trying and failing to save his entire civilization for over 800 years and still simply can't because he refuses to hurt the one he loves. While all the boys have been through pain there's something about Rafayel's story that really gets me. I think it’s because if I— as mc— knew the sacrifice he was making, I would give myself up. So to have someone selfish enough to place me first is heartbreaking, devoted, and cruel. 

Also there are plenty of scenes where Rafayel is serious if not downright intimidating, especially if you read between the lines. The brattiness and sass is a playful cover to someone who's been through pain and understands it. Someone who chooses to still see joy and happiness in his life while fully understanding how cruel the world is.

Simply, I'm a sucker for doomed character archetypes. There is no version of Rafayel's and mc's story where they both end happy. Millions of people will die or if mc kills herself Rafayel will live forever as a husk of his former self. Using a sassy, filirty, bratty attitude to cover up such a genuinely depressing story is so juicy to me.

About Me:

I'm a Zayne irl. Work is honestly the most important thing to me outside my family, I'm devoted to my hobbies and leadership positions, and I have a close circle of friends I would do anything for. I'm also fucking hilarious subjective.

I'm the eldest sibling, the guard dog, the de-facto leader for almost everything. I'm the person who had to grow up fast, to parent my immigrant parents at times, who never really had space for love, and who is by default independant and comfortable with it.

I prefer to listen-- I love my yapper friends. Don't get me wrong I can talk for hours about anything, but day to day I tend to get exhausted talking after a while so I surround myself with people who can do the easy talking for me.

My irl partner is a mix between Rafayel and Sylus I'd say. He's the one who pulls me out of my work spirals by nagging me until I give in, someone I'm comfortable yapping about my current hyperfixations too, someone who my inner child can come out to. But I also enjoy being a caregiver, that's always been my role and I relish in it, I like being relied upon as much as I appreciate having someone in my life that lets me take a step back. The only part that's Sylus is how his love language is bullying me and his vibe/looks lmao, but usually I am more into Raf-stereotypical pretty boys. Or women.

So, overall, the appeal of Rafayel to those that choose him:

Rafayel is for the eldest daughters who needs their inner child to be free, who needs a little bit of ridiculousness and impulsiveness in their lives.

Rafayel is for those who never got praised for their effort or strength, for those who success was the only option, who had to be perfect, reliable and serious all the time. He makes it so clear how much simply being with you means to him, constantly complimenting, flirting, and reassuring you just how much he needs you. Showing you how obsessed with you he is.

Rafayel is for those who didn't think love had a place in their lives due to shit family or life circumstances. He proves time and time again that you're the only one he loves. Even though he's lived forever, you were worth the wait and that he would wait again for you, no matter how long it takes. He proves you can be loved, and that it comes easy.

Rafayel is for those who always placed others first. He's more than willing to show you again and again you will always be first in his mind. He needs you more than he does water. Sure, you can take care of him, but he wants to be with you and take care of you, too.

Rafayel is for those who need someone else to drag them out of work/school/spiralling even when they don't want to admit it, bringing in laughter, color, and a little bit of dramatics.

Rafayel is for creators who dedicate themselves to their craft, who are scared of losing this "spark," who want to get better but constantly feel that what they create isn't enough or must be more. 

Rafayel is for hopeless romantics, those that go out of their way to surprise their friends during their birthdays, those who plan platonic dates for those they care about, those who put out so much love into the world and suddenly break when they get that love back.

Rafayel is for those used to having little siblings or those to take care of in our lives. Only while Rafayel relishes in the attention, he's also ready to give it back five-fold.

Rafayel is a switch for switch (brat for brat) lmao. He's for those who like to start on top, teasing and pushing his buttons to get all those cute reactions out of him, just until he breaks. Then he can take control and finish us up. We love vocal men.

Maybe projecting, but Rafayel is the perfect bi-girl's boyfriend. He's a classic pretty boy, unafraid to be in touch with his feminine side, a little dramatic, a little artsy. But he's also super romantic, sensitive, loving, and intense. And gosh, who could say no to those big puppy eyes?

I could probably continue to talk about Rafayel for hours, but ya, hopefully this helps answer why I and others love this man. Just continue on with the main story and read between the lines with his dialogue and I'm sure you'll pick up on it too~

[badkitty3000]

I write exclusively Number Five Hargreeves fanfiction. If you have any requests for one shots featuring Five x reader-insert or my original characters, please let me know! Use the Ask Me Anything button for requests but please read my rules first. I may not be able to accommodate all requests, however. Thank you for understanding! ❤️

The only "rules" I have are as follows ( no judgement to anyone, I just have my preferences):

Five will be aged up to at least 17 or 18 (body wise) or older

Five is an old man underneath it all, so no teenage romances or crushes

No rape/non-con, but dub-con is ok

No ABO, hardcore BDSM, Yandere

I will not be writing any Five/Lila ships, sorry!

*Updated February 2025* REQUESTS TEMPORARILY CLOSED UNTIL I CAN CATCH UP ON CURRENT ONES!

POSTED ON TUMBLR:

Coming And Going

Five x Female OC, one-shot, 5.5k words, cross-posted on AO3

Summary: Number Five has just about had it with the lack of sexual encounters in his marriage these days, and he just might be going insane. But that's not going to keep him from trying his hardest to finally get some relief. OR: Five keeps getting cock-blocked

Warnings: Smut, light bondage, teasing, Daddy kink

Down And Dirty

Five x Female reader-insert, one-shot, reader request, 1.3k words

Summary: A short one-shot of you and Five on the train

Warnings: Smut, Daddy kink, blow jobs, no plot

Look But Don't Touch

Five x Female reader-insert, one-shot, sequel/request, 4.5 words

Summary: The follow-up to your time with Five on the train. This time, he's taking you a place where the special of the day is you.

Warnings: Smut, masturbation, Daddy kink

It's A Wonderful Life, Five Hargreeves

Five x Female OC, 22.5k, multi-chapter, cross-posted on AO3

Summary: Five years after he and his siblings were abandoned by their father, and with no powers, Number Five is visited by his guardian angel. An annoyingly chipper woman that is anything but your typical angel. When he is unable to get rid of her, he finally gives in and she shows him what it means to be grateful for what he has and to stop pushing his family away. Inspired by both A Christmas Carol and It's A Wonderful Life.

Warnings: Smut, explicit sex, rough/angry sex, but also sweet sex, little bit of Daddy kink, corny sexual innuendos

Coming Down Your Chimney

Five x Female Reader, 6.5k words, One-shot, reader request

Summary: You and Five are trying to start a family. He dresses in a Santa suit for Diego and Lila's kids. You fuck him in the suit.

Warnings: Smut, mild breeding kink, Santa kink?

Powerless

Five x Female Reader, 9.5k words, One-shot, reader request

Summary: You have had your eye on Five since he first started at the university. Eventually you build up a friendship, but even though you pick up a few hints that maybe he wants something more, you just can't bring yourself to act on it. Luckily, Five has more than enough confidence for the both of you.

Warnings: Smut, dominant Five, explicit sex

La classe d'arte: The Art Class

POV Five x Female OC, 11.4k words, one-shot

Summary: When Five accidentally stumbles into an art class with an attractive nude model, things take a turn from awkward embarrassment to hot and steamy when she asks him out on a date. Five may be inexperienced at times, but he knows how to deliver when it counts, and this is no exception. Unlocking a certain linguistic kink gives Five the ego boost he needs to rock her world like the man in charge he always is

Warnings: Masturbation, Smut

You Can't Go Home Again: Chapters 1 and 2

Chapters 3 and 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Five-centric Season 3 Rewrite, Multi-chapter, Finished, 29k words

Summary: All Five wants to do is rest. But when yet another apocalypse threatens to doom them all, he doesn't have that luxury. This time, the only solution for the Hargreeves to try and save the world is to unite Five with another, alternate version of himself.

Five starts to spiral when he is faced with the alternate life that he could have had, if only he hadn't gone and ruined everything. But maybe, just maybe, there's still time for him to obtain the happy ending he deserves.

Warnings: None

Forced Confinement: Friends To Enemies To Lovers

Five x Female Reader-Insert, 5.7k words, one-shot, reader request

Summary: You and Five used to be friends. That is, until he got you stuck in the endless cycle of time traveling trains and no way home. Now he is the last person you want to be stuck with at the end of the world. But, after months of resentment and bickering, you and Five finally work out your differences

Warnings: Smut, sex, masturbation

One Fateful Day

Five x Single Mom Reader-Insert, 5,000 words, one-shot, reader request

Summary: Five finds friendship and a blossoming romance where he least expected it

Warnings: None

One Fateful Day - Part 2

Five x Single Mom Reader-Insert, 5.8k words, one-shot, sequel

Summary: A year after your fateful meeting at the park, Five is now a huge part of you and your daughter's life

Warnings: Smut

Don't Stand So Close To Me

Five x Female Reader-Insert, 6,700 words, one-shot, reader request

Summary: Five was doing his best to resist you. You were too young for him. Too eager. But when he decided to try and scare you straight, he got a little more than he bargained for. That's when he realized maybe he wasn't as strong as he thought he was.

Warnings: Smut, explicit sex, everyone is an adult

You Made It Weird. Real Fucking Weird

A platonic!Five x Lila sort of fix it for season four, 2607 words, one-shot, reader request

Summary: Five comforts Lila with a mixture of his usual snark, sweetness, and honesty when she has a major breakdown after being away from her family for so long. NO smut! NO romance! Purely friendship. I do not ship these two!

Warnings: None

Five's Audition Tape

Five x Female OC, 4,179 words, one-shot

Summary: Vivian catches Five singing in the shower and secretly records the evidence. When she's caught, she tries to hide from him, which ends in some major rearranging of their kitchen pantry. What she doesn't know, though, is that their little closet bang is not the private moment they intended.

Warnings: Smut, closet sex

A Company Man

Five, The Handler, 2,415 words, one-shot, reader request

Summary: A short one-shot about Five and The Handler when he first got to the commission and how she is the master of manipulation and messing with his mind.

Warnings: None

Breaking The Rules

Five x Plus Size Reader, 8,159 words, one-shot, reader request

Summary: You and Five work at the Commission and you're shocked to learn that maybe he doesn't always have a thing for thin girls. He likes you just the way you are.

Warnings: Smut, slight Daddy kink

Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now

Five x Unnamed Female Character, Five x Dolores, 6,078 words, one-shot, reader request (but also already on AO3 with a couple small changes)

Summary: Five is trying his hardest to be in a real relationship with someone that cares about him. When he comes across a familiar face in a thrift shop window, all of his dreams of normalcy are dashed. And he can't help the decades-old feelings that resurface.

Warnings: Smut, Doll fetishization, Five is not in a good place mentally

Tamed

Five x Unnamed Female Character, 8,141 words, reader request, one-shot

Summary: Five is living his retirement dream, but he's still in his 20-year old body, and he's bored with his unexciting life. All that changes after a chance meeting with an "older" woman that thinks she's going to teach him a few things in the bedroom. But she soon realizes that he already knows what he's doing. And just like everything else Number Five does, he does it very very well.

Warnings: Smut, Edging, Physical age difference (older woman, younger man), everyone is an adult

Coercion

Five x Female Reader, 5,202 words, reader request, one-shot

Summary: You and Five are working as trained assassins and you're not exactly happy with him

Warnings: Smut, Sub Five, oral sex, light bondage, light dom/sub

The Contest

Five x Female OC, 5,751 words, one-shot, reader request

Summary: Five and Vivian find themselves under the influence of an aphrodisiac. So, naturally, they turn it into a sexy competition.

Warnings: Explicit sex, masturbation, mutual masturbation, dirty talk

Your Touch

Five x Female OC, 3318 words, one-shot, reader request

Summary: Cute, fluffy drabbles of Five and his wife and their everyday life of being madly in love. No smut!

Warnings: None

Five Hargreeves NSFW Headcanons

Just a list of random smutty headcanons that I have for Five

Warnings: Smut

In Sickness And In Health

Five x Female OC, 4437 words, one-shot, reader request

Summary: Thank you for the request!! Here's a funny/sweet/smutty one-shot of Five taking care of his sick wife like the sexy softy he is. I hope you enjoy!

Warnings: explicit sex, Daddy kink

No Escape

Five x Female OC, 8045 words, one-shot, reader request

Summary: Five is forced into assassin mode when Vivian is put in danger by another Commission agent. He must not be very smart, though, because no one in their right mind would dare lay a hand on Five's girl.

Warnings: blood, violence, smut at the end but can be skipped and won't affect the story

Room For One More

Five x Female Reader-Insert, Klaus x Female Reader-Insert, Five x Klaus x Female Reader-Insert, 7192 words, one-shot

Summary: Five and Klaus head out to the bar to celebrate their birthday. When they catch the eye of the attractive bartender, she decides to give them a very special birthday present. The only catch is they have to share.

Warnings: M/M/F, vaginal sex, anal sex, double penetration

Love In The Time of Cholera and Coffee -Chapters 1-6

Love In The Time of Cholera and Coffee-Chapters 7-9

Five x Female Reader, Klaus x Female Reader, 50,497 words, 9 chapters

Summary: You and Klaus are in a casual relationship. No ties, just sex. When you start spending a lot of time at his apartment, you somehow manage to break through his brother's prickly outer shell. He seems to like you, or at least tolerate you the best that Five can. When you start to realize that maybe there is more than just mutual friendship between the two of you, it opens up a lot of feelings and unanswered questions. And a lot of problems.

Warnings: Explicit sex, Daddy kink

Physical Fitness

Five x Female Reader, 2800 words, one-shot

Summary: Five has been distant lately, but you discover all he needs is a good workout to get his mind back on you again

Warnings: Explicit sex, Daddy kink

Lewd Public Acts

Five x Female OC, 7,412 words, one-shot

Summary: Getting busy in a public space with people around? The idea of someone witnessing everything becomes a turn on for Five's wife, and he is definitely up for the challenge. After all, he can never deny her anything. And, let's face it; there might be something in it for him, too.

Warnings: Explicit sex

Addicted

Five x Female Reader-Insert, 3,199 words, one-shot

Summary: Sometimes our bodies get a taste of something so good that it's nearly impossible to quit. No matter how bad it is for us. And right now that something is Five Hargreeves.

Warnings: Sex, little bit of blood kink

Weak

Five x Female Reader-Insert, 4,891 words, one-shot, continuation of Addicted, from Five's POV.

Summary: Even Five Hargreeves is no stranger to temptation. He tries to hard to stay away. He wants to do the right thing for once in his life. If not for himself, then for her. But every man has his breaking point.

Warnings: Explicit sex, rough sex

Strength

Five x Female Reader-Insert, 4,427 words, one-shot, continuation of Addicted and Weak

Summary: Five is finally strong enough to give in to his true feelings and tell you how he feels. You are strong enough to let him.

Warnings: Sex

The Download

Five x Female Reader-Insert, 31, 310 words, 5 chapters

Chapters 1 and 2

Chapters 3, 4, and 5

Summary: It's the end of the world and everyone you know is gone. After you find yourself at the Hotel Obsidian, you realize you have something in common with the rest of the remaining population. When Number Five takes a particular interest in you, and your special ability, the evening turns into much more than you expected. The universe may be hours away from imploding, but you and Five are going out with a bang.

Warnings: Explicit sex, praise kink, rough sex, Five is physically 17, reader is 30

All Of My Works On AO3

Halo (Series)

Five x Female OC multi-part series that follows Five and his eventual wife, Vivian, through many stages of their life together. 5 parts total.

All parts in this series rated E for explicit sex.

Halo

First part in series, 25,460 words, 7 chapters

Summary: What starts as a one-night stand eventually turns into a growing romance. Number Five and Vivian are drawn to one another, despite their initial resistance. However, Five's past makes a relationship difficult and she has some issues of her own. Despite an unhealthy codependency, their lives are intertwined. For better or for worse.

Hole In My Soul

Second part in series, 30,903 words, 11 chapters

Summary: Vivian and Five now have an established relationship and are in love. She melds easily into the Hargreeves family as Five finally discloses their relationship to his siblings. But some disturbing behavior from Five makes Viv re-evaluate her choices. Will their love for one another be enough when life throws them a curve ball and they have some tough decisions to make?

Just Like Heaven

Third part in series, 25,362 words, 8 chapters

Summary: Vivian and Five have been actively trying to start a family, but to no avail. The stress is wearing on them both and it's affecting their once solid relationship. With the last few months left on Five's Commission contract, he is looking forward to putting that part of his life in the past. However, Viv is soon confronted with a harsh truth that puts their relationship in jeopardy.

Promise To Kill

Fourth part in series, 86,881 words, 12 chapters

Summary: Five is married to the love of his life, with a young son, and the retirement life he always dreamed. Everything is perfect. Which should have been Five's first clue that something was going to go wrong. A new discovery involving his child leads to a horrible family tragedy. The Umbrella Academy has to step up to save the day and Five's family.

Our Forever

Fifth and final part in series, 32,175 words, 8 chapters

Summary: Five's never been great with healthy coping skills. Even after all this time. When he is faced with a horrible tragedy and he doesn't know how to cope, he blames himself, as usual. But this time, it seems it can't be fixed. Until a sudden vision from beyond makes him realize that maybe he can after all.

Five/Vivian One-Shot Series

Five x OC collection of one-shots that show little glimpses into Five and Vivian's life over the years, in no particular order or timeline. 11 works in total.

All works in this series rated E or M for explicit sex/smut (except for one - rated G)

Damaged 3,210 words

Extra Credit 6,436 words

Piece de Resistance aka The French Lady Incident 7,999 words

The New Neighbor 7,136 words

Coming And Going 5,491 words

Let's Hear It For The Boy 7,508 words

You Are My Constant 19,757 words

Summary: This is technically a one-shot, but it's longer because it depicts Five and Vivian's honeymoon and contains more plot and character development

Lewd Public Acts 7,412 words (posted on Tumblr)

Take Me To Church 6,465 words

No Escape 8,045 words (posted on Tumblr)

Your Touch 3,361 words (posted on Tumblr) RATED G

Five's Audition Tape 4,179 words (posted on Tumblr)

Trick Or Treat: Sexy And Sweet 6,488 words

Works separate from my series:

The Sexual Awakenings Of Mr. Number Five Hargreeves

Five x Various Female OCs, 40,516 words, 8 chapters

Summary: Relatively speaking, it wasn’t that long ago that Five was a total moron when it came to sex, and women in general. Having spent his most formative years isolated and alone, once he was thrown back into society, his lack of experience was obvious.... And even though he tried not to let it bother him, he quickly realized that it did. It bothered him a lot.

Rated E for explicit sex

Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now

Five x Female OC (unnamed), Five x Dolores, 6,029 words, one-shot

Summary: Five is trying his hardest to be in a real relationship with someone that cares about him. When he comes across a familiar face in a thrift shop window, all of his dreams of normalcy are dashed. And he can't help the decades-old feelings that resurface.

Rated M for smut/sex

The Assassin's Date

Five x Female OC, 59,057 words, 9 chapters

Summary: After saving the world, Five Hargreeves is working as an independent hitman for hire. When a tough and beautiful woman is witness to one of his crimes, the last thing Five wants to do is kill her. Instead, he makes her a deal. If she goes on one date with him, he'll let her live. When she agrees, he can't help but notice that the date might be fake, but his feelings are real.

Rated E for explicit sex

All Apologies

Five, The Hargreeves Siblings, Five x Dolores, 21,892 words, 4 chapters

Summary: All Five had wanted to do was to keep his family safe, and away from their father. As the young Umbrella Academy pull further away from one another, Five desperately tries to make them see that their only chance at a happy life is to get out from under Reginald's rule. His methods of convincing, however, lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and typical Hargreeves drama. Years later, when Five is alone with only Dolores to talk to, he finds himself thinking back on all of his mistakes.

Rated T for teen (language, mentions of masturbation)

The Download

Five x Female Reader-Insert, 31,310 words, 5 chapters (also posted on Tumblr)

Summary: It's the end of the world and everyone you know is gone. After you find yourself at the Hotel Obsidian, you realize you have something in common with the rest of the remaining population. When Number Five takes a particular interest in you, and your special ability, the evening turns into much more than you expected. The universe may be hours away from imploding, but you and Five are going out with a bang.

Rated E for explicit sex

The Text Mess

Five, Klaus, 5,576, one-shot, co-authored by KayBreezy

Summary: With no apocalypse looming, and Reginald gone, left with their powers but not much else, the Hargreeves were finally getting to figure out life on their own terms. Number Five was doing what he always did. He was surviving and doing his best to move on from his traumatic past, though the success of that endeavor was evident in the day-to-day reality of his new self-inflicted dark and lonely existence. And then along came Klaus...

Rated T for teen (sexual references, clothed dick pics)

It's A Wonderful Life, Five Hargreeves

Five x Female OC, 22,594 words, 5 chapters

Summary: Five years after he and his siblings were abandoned by their father, and with no powers, Number Five is visited by his guardian angel. An annoyingly chipper woman that is anything but your typical angel. When he is unable to get rid of her, he finally gives in and she shows him what it means to be grateful for what he has and to stop pushing his family away. Inspired by both A Christmas Carol and It's A Wonderful Life.

Rated E for explicit sex

Duality

Five x Reader, 11 chapters, 63.4k words

Summary: Four years after Reginald's reset of the universe, Five still cannot rest. Working with Diego for the CIA, he is convinced the new world is a simulation designed and controlled by their former father, and he devotes his entire life to gathering the evidence. When an inexplicable force leads Five directly to you, the two of you become bonded in a way you never thought possible. Unfortunately, your bond may be the beginning of the end.

Now Five has a new mission: save your love and save the world

*A Season 3/Season 4 mash-up AU*

Rated E for explicit sex

[akagm]

The Tragic (and Hilarious) Origin of Spam Emails: A Prince’s Desperate Attempt to Save His Kingdom—And His Bank Account

After years of painstaking research, a ridiculous amount of tears, and the questionable decision to send $100,000 to an email address that clearly had too many underscores, I have finally cracked the mystery that has haunted us all: the origin of the spam email scam. The road to discovery was paved with hardship, frustration, and way too many emails offering “a once-in-a-lifetime investment opportunity.” And while I’ve been receiving threats from questionable princes promising to transfer me “millions” from their non-existent estates, I won’t let spam stop me now. You deserve the truth, reader. And here it is: it all started in a far-off kingdom with a prince who couldn’t email his way out of a paper bag.

Our story begins in an ancient kingdom that’s now so long gone it’s practically a myth. The kingdom, once full of riches and splendor, met its untimely demise during an uprising known as the Red Sealing. Ah, yes, the Red Sealing. Not to be confused with the much less dramatic “Blue Resealing” (which is just an old-fashioned way of fixing broken pottery), the Red Sealing was a full-blown disaster. But let’s rewind a little, shall we?

In the midst of this doomed kingdom, there lived a housekeeper named Ms. Enohor, who was reading a story to her charge, young Egbo, the second son of the king. Prince Urhie, Egbo’s older brother and heir to the throne, strolled in and was promptly greeted by his younger sibling asking, “Do you know this story, Urhie?”

With all the wisdom of a prince who’d probably never had to deal with anything more complicated than royal etiquette, Urhie smiled and said, “Indeed. When I was your age, I would have Ms. Enohor tell me this story every day. It inspired me. The King had everything, but the only thing that mattered to him was his people. One day, I too will be a king just like that.”

Ms. Enohor chuckled in a way that implied she had heard this very speech a hundred times before, and then—bam. The kingdom’s last moment of peace ended with the deafening sound of what could only be described as a chaotic disaster outside.

Cue the dramatic soundtrack as a guard bursts in and shouts, “The castle is under attack! It’s the Red Seal!” The royal family, who clearly had more pressing matters to attend to, like, I don’t know, running for their lives, decided instead to have a family meeting. Prince Urhie, being the “we’ve got this” kind of guy, immediately thought through his options, which seemed to boil down to one thing: money.

“I’ll be damned if they get to our people,” Urhie declared dramatically, just before doing what any sensible prince would do: pulling out a laptop. Yes, in the midst of a full-on rebellion, Prince Urhie decided the best course of action was to send an email. Forget the swords and shields—this guy was going digital.

In an attempt to save his family’s wealth, Urhie typed what would go down in history as the very first spam email:

Subject: Urgent: Kingdom Under Attack—Help Me Secure Our Family’s Fortune

“My name is Urhie Sucker, and I am a Prince from my home country. My family’s kingdom is currently being raided by a faction attempting to overthrow us. I would be in your debt if you could hold on to our money while we deal with these invaders. Once I get my money back from you, I will give you 20% of it. Please email me back with your debit card number, expiration date, and security code so I can transfer.

Your friend in the prince business.”

Spoiler alert: The money was never transferred. The kingdom was raided, the family was overthrown, and Urhie’s email never reached its recipient. But, as they say, “The seeds of a scam were sown that day.”

While the kingdom fell, this single email lived on as historians eventually found his laptop. Once this story got out- thieves everywhere saw the potential in Urhie’s pitch, and it quickly became the blueprint for every “Nigerian Prince” scam to follow. And so, my friends, the floodgates were opened. Fast forward centuries, and here we are, bombarded daily by emails promising untold riches from relatives we didn’t know we had and inheritances we definitely didn’t deserve.

But let’s not forget Urhie, who unknowingly set the stage for an entire industry of digital con artists. I implore you: the next time you get an email asking for your bank details in exchange for an obscene amount of money, just know that it’s all because of one clueless prince, a laptop, and an email address that clearly wasn’t verified by anyone at tech support.

Gone but not forgotten—Urhie Sucker.

And remember, folks: always double-check the sender’s email address. And maybe, just maybe, don’t send $100,000 to someone you’ve never met, even if they sound like a prince.

[ianthewife]

im a liar that lies so okay here it is by popular demand of like one and a half people

Ranking the silt verses characters that i find attractive and why (nobody look at me insane addition):

1. Val — every time she talks or does anything at all, all the blood rushes away from my brain and i fall unconscious hitting my head on the way down that’s honestly probably why i am this way. the gruesome mess and utter devastating tragedy of her existence is so hot to me. she can turn me into a chair whenever she wants to. all this to say: Val please please please please just one chance—

2. Mercer — a nasty obsessed honestly insane woman with zero hinges? ummm yes please? the way she says “mine” before a kill is doing some certain things to me but i shan’t say. love when she is cackling wildly going insane and murdering people. which means always. mercer call me back

3. Sibling Rane — always smiling when i think of them, their laughter has saved my life. cultist of the month the year the life and my heart. fuck it, ill convert to the Trawler-man bullshit even, im down. we are having a spring outdoor wedding with shrimp cocktail bar and everyone is invited. the ceremony will be wonderful and if they want to drown some people during it well whatever my beautiful spouse says

4. Carpenter — no explanation needed i think. she is everything to me on every single level, my love for her is vast and endless and soaring high in the sky. she has never and i say NEVER done anything that i would think is unattractive. i will forever and ever hold her in my heart. also DAMN her voice-

5. The Saint Electric — id fuck her. straight up. please don’t ask me why she is so high on the list

6. Hayward — when he is extremely pathetic or extremely goofy. he makes me laugh that’s all i need from a fictional man. also that one occasion in the end of s1 when he was screaming wildly i think that’s was hot i mean who said that-

7. Paige — putting fucking hayward over paige feels like blasphemy but i can’t help the way i feel. Fighting against doom is so hot. Yes baby quit your marketing job to birth a god. Can i run away with you? Also when she is angry and determined and her voice is sharp with frustration and- well you get it

8. Faulkner — when he is being insane or using that ridiculous goofy ass evil cult leader voice. i said what i said.

9. Shrue — when they are in the middle of a mental breakdown or beating the shit out of Carson. i love how they sound when they are distressed and at the end of their fucking rope<3

10. Cross — yep. you heard me. i won’t even apologize or deny this. baby, are you perchance looking for a 4th ex-wife? tbh would love to ruin this man even further. he is 1. hilarious (big time) 2. pathetic (BIG time) and that’s all i need to like a fictional man

11. Charity — idk i think we could have fun, she’d chase me through the woods and then… well, i digress

12. Carson — now NOW everyone STEP BACK and put your rifles down let me explain— this poisonous slug of a man is the most disgusting, sinister, sleazy, inhuman, heartless, cruel, reprehensible thing i have ever witnessed. i want to garrote the living shit out of him and smash his head through a concrete wall. and maybe in this unrepentant desire for violence against this man there is something slightly sexually charged?.. i… honestly don’t know and i will not examine it. also he talks as if he is constantly whimsically kicking his feet which makes me want to kill both him and myself.

[shadowbriar]

Five Hargreeves — Daddy Issues

Pairing : Five Hargreeves x (she/her) CIA!Reader Word Count : 3.3k Warning : Angst. Character death. Snogging but nothing too graphic. Season 4 references. Synopsis : He promised himself that he would not let her come near his family madness, but the marigold was melting his blood vessels and none of his siblings look like they’re ready for a real fight. Notes : Inspired by The Neighborhood - Daddy Issues. If you like this story and would like to support me, please visit my kofi page and perhaps get me a coffee?☕

The lack of presence on the other side of the bed made him pull himself entirely out off of drowsiness. Five’s frown was deep when he pulled the blanket up to cover his body, half sitting up with his elbows as support as he scans the room. It was far too early for his liking.

He caught her standing by the bookshelf, his white shirt hanging loose on her shoulders. A small satisfied smile tugs in the corner of his lips. The sight was too pretty for him to not appreciate. She was lost in her own world, caught in her own thoughts. Too busy reading the scribbles of some crumpled paper to realise that the other person in the room has awakened.

“Found something you’re looking for?”

She looks up to see him with a wide smile, looking slightly sheepish of being caught red handed, “No, but I found this,” She took out the fake moustache she found, placing it on her face “How do I look?”

“Ridiculous,” Five says, rolling his eyes “Come here so I can rip it off of you.”

Her grin only becomes wider as she comes closer to the man. She sits on the edge of the bed, leaning so that he could take the silly moustache off of her.

“What’s the story?” She asks, still curious about the peculiar item “Any exciting undercover stories you want to share?”

“You know I can’t even if I wanted to. And I don’t,” He remarks, giving her a playful disapproving look “What were you doing rummaging my stash?”

She shrugs, “I was just bored. You always wake up much later than I do.”

“It’s only what— 6 am? It's not my fault you have sleeping problems.”

She rolls her eyes in response.

Five bite down his smile as he leans in, kissing her softly.

This wasn’t what Five had in mind when he ran through the portal six years ago. Losing his powers and having to build a new life in a strange timeline was certainly not in his to-do list, but developing some clandestine affair with a girl from work was a bigger mindblown for the mentally sixty three years old man. Romance and any other personal relationship were practically out the window the moment he understood about the Apocalypse. Yet now, after one too many timelines, Five has found himself entangled with the knots of love.

He would never admit it out loud. Afraid that a confession would only spoil the fragile bond they’ve created. Hell, this was never even a proper relationship. It was just a simple deal made by two adults. A little roleplay they do whenever they’re alone. Nothing too serious, nothing too monogamous. Strictly business.

But he knew he was doomed the moment he tasted her. There was no other drug that could be as intoxicating, no other substance as addicting. The way that she knew just how much of a dose to give to get him crawling back for more. How she would push further than she pulled him. A little game she does that he’d never grow tired of.

There was only one rule— no rules within these four walls. He could show her how much he cares, how much he worships her, whenever she comes over. Not an inch of her skin left without his kiss. Five was whipped beyond saving whenever the door closes, but even with such intense affection, neither of them dared to pop the question.

“What are you thinking about?” She asks, staring deep into his eyes.

“I’m thinking whatever you’re thinking about.”

She bites her lower lip, climbing on top of him. She pulls him for a proper kiss, clinging her arms around his neck as he rests his hands on her hips.

“Tell me something I’ll forget,” She whispers, kissing the corner of his lips “Something you might have to tell me again.”

Five hesitated. The words were hanging by the tip of his tongue, threatening to spill in any second. Her gentle touch was melting his walls, breaking each and every fortress he’s built over the years. For someone who thought that he’s seen all the things in life, Five was once again caught by surprise.

“How bout I show you instead?” He offers, swapping their positions that she’s now laying on her back with him on top of her.

One of his hands travels to cup her cheek, deepening their kiss as he changes their course of action. Five could feel her smiling through the kiss, giving him the courage to continue his venture. His thumb brushes the skin of her cheek gently. Years of being a cold blooded spy had made him think that there’s no tenderness left in his soul. A broken shell of a man is all he is. Yet, he was once again proven wrong by her. Always her, only her.

It’s crazy what you’ll do for a friend.

—-

“Tell me about your past lovers.”

His grip on her hand loosen a little, brows rising from the unexpected request. It was fortunate of him to have her back leaning on his chest. This way she wouldn’t have heard the slight spike of his heart nor seen the surprise he had in his face. How he blinked and furrowed his brows as his brain tried to digest her words.

He lets go of her hand and rests his arm around her shoulder, silently caging her in an embrace in case the words he utters would make her flee, “Lover. There was only one woman.”

“What’s her name?”

“Dolores,” He sighs, the rare forlorn look in his eyes were potent “Her name was Dolores.”

“What happened between you and Dolores?”

There was a brief pause. His chest hitches as he struggles to find the words, “I.. Left her.”

“Why?”

“I had to.”

“Is that what you’re going to do to me too?” She questions. The fragility of her voice made him wince. Voicing her words barely above a whisper.

“I might,” He confesses with a heavy heart, swallowing a lump in his throat “Will you hate me then?”

She turns her head to face him, nodding like it was a promise, “I will.”

She wanted to ask more. To know deeper about what happened between him and Dolores. If their separation was recent or if he ever tried to come back to her. She wanted to know what made him leave. If there was a bigger story to tell, a bigger secret to share. She wanted to know if he loved her, if he would use his hands to trace the invisible stars on her skin and mark it with his kisses, if he would tell her the word she’s been dying to hear from him. She wanted to know it all.

And Five wanted to tell. He wanted to tell her about the fights and all the running he’s done for the past years. He wanted to tell her how Dolores was the only thing keeping him sane after being trapped in the post-apocalyptic wasteland for forty-five years. He wanted to tell her how tired he is, how he misses his powers and secretly hoped that he never got out of that hotel alive. He wanted to tell it all.

But both of their words die in their tongues. Crestfallen from all the silence that they’re bound to be stuck in. Their eyes tried their best to convey the message their lips couldn’t utter, hoping that the invisible string between them was strong enough to connect their hearts better than words ever could.

Her fingers gently tucked the stubborn strand of hair off of his face. She studies him, trying to see any trace of deceit or vice, but all she could see was the love bleeding out of him like a muck. His eyes were warm, radiating with that one sentiment she’s never seen on anyone else.

She cups both of his cheeks, softly kissing his lips, “I wish you’d let me in.”

Five shakes his head, “I’d never put you in such danger.”

“I can take care of myself,” She argues, an impressed smile decorating her face “Have you forgotten? We’re literally CIA agents.”

He smiles, pulling her head to his chest.

They would never admit it but tender moments like this scares the living out of the both of them. It felt too real, too personal to what they signed up for, but they would rather lose a limb than to miss it. For some reason such delicateness felt like it would dissipate in a moment. Like a bitter farewell was looming behind, ready to catch them off guard and without a fight.

And so they keep quiet. Letting the frail second to fall gracefully like the first drop of snow. His fingers entangle themselves with her hair while she listens carefully to the steady rise and fall of his chest. They make notes of one another, recording each and every little thing the other does before their time turns into bittersweet memory.

—-

Five hesitated. He taps on the payphone with uncertainty, doubting if he should dial her number and ask for the favour. He promised himself that he would not let her come near his family madness, but the marigold was melting his blood vessels and none of his siblings look like they’re ready for a real fight. Whatever this dry cleaner’s daughter kidnapping was about has certainly gone a notch more serious than it ever was.

He weighs his options. The only thing he could make out of her were the pleasant times they’ve spent. The laughter and the stolen glances they would exchange when nobody was around. The sun has always shone on top of them, no rain nor shade to ever taint their story. It feels as if they’ve been living in a fairytale despite all the secrecy he hides from her.

But Ben’s tails were stubborn and Lila’s laser eyesight was not boosting his confidence enough to follow through with this rescue mission. His family might have gotten their powers back, but it was an overstatement to say that the team was officially back on. Their bodies were still trying to readjust themselves with the liquid gold, whatever it might mean now.

The bitterness in his tongue sets thicker as his decision comes to a final. For some reason believing that calling her would compromise the charming affair they have. Not from the squabbles his family might show, but from other perils he couldn’t foresee.

“Hello?” She answers right on the second ring “Who is this?”

Five’s words were caught in his throat, unable to continue his action.

“Hello?”

“It’s me,” He finally says. 

“Five? Is everything okay?” She questions, worry evident in her tone as she proceeds to speak in whisper “I know we promised not to talk during work hours, but I heard that you’re taking a sick leave and now you’re calling and I just— I’m worried.”

“I know. I’m sorry,” He answers, his tone heavy with regret “I’m fine. I’m just— Look, there’s something I need to tell you,” There was a pause, clearly still debating if he should end the call and just face whatever’s to come alone with his family.

“Five? Are you there?”

He nods, his voice strained with anxiety, “Yeah, I just— I’m going to Maine. There’s something I need to do there with my family.”

“Oh, okay. Will you be back soon?”

“No, I.. I don’t know,” He answers in surrender “Listen, I know I’m asking too much of you but.. Could you meet me there? In New Grumpson?”

A few seconds of silence, her confusion thick in her voice, “You.. Want me to come to your family gathering?”

“Well, it’s not really a gathering,” Five struggles to explain, running a hand through his hair “It’s more of a.. Rescue mission? I can’t explain the details through the phone, there isn’t enough time.”

“I can’t just drop things off and drive to Maine, Five. I’m in the middle of a case,” She reasoned.

“I know, but I need you to come. I need you to help me,” He begs, his heart beating fast inside of his chest as if it could already see the disaster this phone call would bring “I promise to tell you everything. I’ll explain everything—about my family, about myself, about Dolores, about us. I’ll tell you everything. I just— I need to do it in person. Please.. Please come and meet me there.”

There was still silence from the other side of the phone.

“I promise to let you in,” He continues, his voice faltering in despair “I’ll tell you what you want to hear. What I needed to tell you a long time ago.”

Silence hung heavy in the air. Beads of sweat were breaking in the back of his neck, afraid that he’s just lost everything before it even started. There was no going back now. Not even with the power that he’s just gotten back.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah, fuck it,” She answers, having zero sense of hesitation left in her voice “But you better tell me right after I get there.”

“I will, I promise.” Five bites his grin, taking a deep breath of relief before he finally says the magic words “I love you. And I promise to say it again when we meet.”

—-

She has to admit, driving countless hours down to New Grumpson with little to no context, might not have been one of her brightest moments. She should’ve asked more about the plan, where to meet and what time, before hanging up and picking her car keys. God knows how she would meet Five now. Who’s to tell just how big this town is or if he’s even in the city yet. She was blind. Completely lost in a random town thousands of miles from home.

Between finding some covers for the windows that Victor broke and frequent bathroom breaks, the Hargreeves siblings could only reach their destination when the sun was already at its peak. Not to mention the bickering that they have to resolve every other ten minutes. The eight of them are certainly behind schedule but without any means of communication, there was no way for her to know his whereabouts.

Now sitting in a diner, she wonders just how long she should wait before leaving this town. There’s something eerie about this place. The people were kind, sure, but she couldn’t help but feel like she was being watched. Like these people were not just civilians but someone placed to fill certain roles to make up the city folks.

She watches as a man enters the diner. He was kicked out the first time by the diner’s owner, but supposed the kind lady could see that this stranger was in need of a shelter. He looks like a tourist, too. A little lost and too peaky to be a local.

And that’s when she heard it, the first gunshot outside. She reaches for her own gun, hiding it under the table as she tries to assess her surroundings. The people in the diner now corner the strange man and the diner lady, commanding the woman to come with them with their guns pointed out.

Good God, what is this place? She thought as she cocks her gun.

Just as the two people ran out through the back door, another shot was fired and it was enough reason for her to take the small mob down from behind. Whatever their reasoning is, the people of this town are certainly not the friendliest to tourists.

She runs outside, trying to help the other three people that were being gunned down by a bunch of the town folks. She watches as the biggest man shields the other two. An act that shouldn’t be logically possible.

She tries to help out, shooting the crazy goon with her own gun. It was a no match with the numbers of these lunatics and their AKs compared to her handgun, but it was enough to give a window for the three people to run further away.

One down, another ten appears. The people in this town just so happen to be complete terrorists who shoot on weaponless people, she reckons.

Out of the blue, Five blinks to the road and joins in the shield of the big man. It took her a couple of seconds to believe the sight she just saw— Five appearing out of thin air and hiding under the protection of the big guy who’s bearing all the gunshots fired at them. None of this was making any sense. Not the city, not the people, not the events she’s witnessing. But she didn’t have time for questions, not yet. Her finger pulls on the trigger nonstop, refilling her magazine as soon as she can before more madmen come.

But her hands weren’t fast enough. There was not enough time for her to raise her gun. To point and pull another shot before a couple bullets were aimed at her chest. She was hit. Too many times for her to count as she fell limp to the cold concrete, gasping for air.

“No!” She could hear Five’s echoing scream. In a blink of an eye, he was kneeling by her, lifting her body to be in his embrace. His hand was shaky, trying his best to give some pressure to the holes in her chest as his other arm pulled her close, “I’m here, I’m here.”

No words came out of her lips. Breathing hurts as blood starts to come out of her mouth. Colour was draining from her face, skin turning cold as her ear rings.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Five apologises, his tears flowing down to her face “This wasn’t supposed to happen, I’m sorry.”

“S-Say it,” She whispers, gasping “You promised.”

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” He confesses, cupping her cheek with his bloodied hand “I’m sorry. I love you. I love you so much, I’m so sorry.”

The light in her eyes slowly dims out. Her laboured breathing quiets down as the interval widens before it eventually stops. Her hand that was holding his wrist fell gently, no longer having any care that the shreds of mirror were creating new cuts to it.

“I’m sorry. I love you. I’m so sorry.”

Those three sentences were flowing out of him like a broken record. Five holds her close, planting tear stained kisses to her cheeks as if it would give her another breath of life. He calls for her name like a prayer, begging for her to look at him just once more, but the magnetism that would always fill those orbs were gone. They were staring into the empty space without a blink. Gone were the eyes that would stare into him with so much love and tenderness.

Five looks up to see his siblings. They were looking down with pitiful, sorry eyes. Never had they ever seen the collected brother be this broken, drowning in the anguish of a lost lover.

“It was Dad,” Luther says bearing the bad news “They were all Hargreeves goons.”

Another tear escaped his eyes. Five’s sobs were getting louder, whispering his apologies to her now deaf ears. He was sorry about everything. About asking her to come, about promising to tell her some complete nonsense, about falling in love with her. Even with his powers, Five was utterly helpless. He couldn’t undo what was done— save the life that he’s lost and keep her away from harm. The one thing that matters most to him has finally been ripped off of his hands.

There was a sense of resentment brewing in his heart. He thought that he could not be any more hollow than he already is, but now that she’s dead in his arms, now that the better half of him has disappeared, Five has ultimately become that one broken shell of a man he once thought he was.

If only she was his little girl, he would’ve run away and hide with her.

[gabessquishytum]

Time for some dreamling crack! I apologize for the length, it got out of control. Destiny is done. He's just done, okay? He's had enough of his parents who were never there, siblings who are constantly up to some shit, and his ultra-serious job with no vacations. Moreover, being constantly chained to a book (especially when it's such a huge and heavy book) sucks. So, one day he makes an ultimate decision to go on a holiday into some remote galaxy for a century or two, but first, he needs to complete one task that he actually assigned to himself. Technically, he's not supposed to intervene and all that cosmic bullshit, but he's Destiny, and that's his destiny, pun intended. He's the CEO! The year is 1389. Destiny calls Death and tells her they need to go to Dream asap. She's surprised and slightly worried but obeys without questions. Dream is even more surprised - Destiny normally never visits, so the circumstances must be exceptional. Which they are. Destiny is in no mood for pleasantries and gets straight to the business, informing Dream that he needs to get laid for the common good. Dream bluescreens, and so does Death. 'I beg you pardon?' Dream blinks. Destiny never jokes, and he must have misheard… But Destiny, in his impassive, 100% serious tone, repeats that Dream does need to get laid. To prevent the deaths of thousands of dreamers in the 20th century, to prevent the grudge with hell, to save multiple dreams and nightmares, etc., but ultimately, to save himself from the ill fate. 'All this can be prevented if I get laid?' Dream's metaphorical head is spinning. 'Yes,' Destiny deadpans. 'Okay...' Death interrupts cautiously. 'Why am I here, though?' 'Because he needs to get laid regularly, and there is only one human who can handle this task. He must be made immortal for this reason.'

Dream feels like the Dream.exe file has been irrevocably damaged. 'I need to get laid regularly?' He repeats weakly. 'Brother, you know how important my function is. I have no time for-' 'This is exactly why you meet your doom in all the futures but one.' '…where I'm getting laid?' Destiny nods. Death beams. Dream pales to a previously unexisting shade of white. Without further ado, Destiny takes them all to the White Horse, buys some ale (his vacation mood starts to kick in - he expected more objections from Dream), and nods at one table. 'Robert Gadling. He is the chosen one.' 'Brother, you surely do not want me to lay with a mortal who has fleas and hasn't bathed for Delirium knows how long,' says terrified Dream. 'I surely do. Fleas are the least of your potential problems, little brother.' 'Alright.' Death says. 'Robert Gadling is immortal now. Can I go?' Destiny nods again. Death smiles and, before disappearing, loudly whispers to Dream to invite her to the wedding. Dream glances one last time at his brother and approaches Robert's table. If this is his destiny...and it's for the greater good of the universe and dreamers...Besides, this Robert Gadling is quite handsome - well, unwashed and smelly, but handsome still. Destiny is very pleased. Now, he only needs to sign up Desire for a few millennia of uncancellable therapy, and he can go drink his cocktails in a galaxy far, far away!

I love this, thank you so much for writing it all out. It really made me chuckle.

I'm absolutely obsessed with the idea of Destiny just getting really sick of the universe and all the bullshit that it contains. He's the equivalent of a harassed middle aged working parent attempting to keep everything under control and inevitably watching it all go to shit. He deserves such a good vacation, I hope there's a really good spa in the galaxy he's picked out.

Being the oldest sibling is hard, even when you come from a family of cosmic entities. And honestly? Destiny kind of likes the look of his new human brother-in-law. If this guy can keep Dream from going off the rails then that's wonderful, but the fact that he's cute? Also helps. Destiny may be blind but he is not immune to the Hobpropaganda. He's actually kind of not dreading the next family dinner? He can already see that it's going to run a whole lot smoother with Hob around the table.

But first: bottomless mimosas in a different star system. Bye, losers!

[cuteniarose]

A few more, because I’m finally getting around to editing and proofreading the second half of the fic and am once again being reminded of just how insane this family makes me:

Aiza jumping over a literal trench full of shit to run away from home. My literature teacher would call that metaphor way too on the nose

The implication of Summiya not being clocked as obviously neurodivergent by her parents for 18 years only because her struggles with communication were largely eliminated by virtue of all important conversations being scripted. Big win for autistics everywhere

Jia absolutely winning at life by getting to see her crush naked on the regular without having to put in any effort. Being a maid in charge of helping your Lady bathe does have its perks

Zaheer in Aiza’s nightmare/flashback being yelled at by both his parents and not even blinking bc he’s beyond giving a shit (please lend me your strength…)

Denial is not just a river in Egypt. It is also the state Summiya perpetually resides in whenever anyone points out that her husband is a known drunk and brothel goer

Aiza having to actively stop herself from wishing she was born a boy several times throughout the fic and experiencing straight up gender euphoria upon realising she looks like Zaheer

Jia coming into Aiza’s room, seeing that she cut off most of her hair two days before her wedding, and immediately engaging #RideOrDie mode, no questions asked

Things about nobody's son, nobody's daughter that absolutely crack me up, in no particular order (because I'm hella proud of that fic and need to stroke my own ego a little):

Aiza must be the only person in the world who got gender envy from looking at Zaheer. Transition goals: Look like your loser baby brother

Most of the conversation between Summiya and Aiza is literally an aromantic trying to convince a panromantic that love isn't real (bonus points for both of them at that point being completely convinced that they're cishetallo)

The day before I finished the fic I had a mental break and chopped off 2/3 of my hair, and my first thought was that I looked like my sister. The day after I was yelled at for being a disappointment by both of my parents over a meal. Aizacore without even trying

Summiya saying she'd destroy any woman who slept with her husband, meanwhile one of the brothel girls he'll eventually visit the most (not now, though, since Shezan is still a child at this point) is her future bestie/friend with benefits (destroy them in the bedroom, maybe 🤭)

Jia taking a hammer to Aiza's egg with the sheer levels of her thirst

The year the fic takes place in being the absolute worst year to be an older sister (this one is less funny but it's still a neat, if unintentional, coincidence)

The Magnificent Century reference no one but me will get

[dr-demi-bee]

Day 24--------------------Read on AO3--------------------------

Pairing: Rolan/Tav Prompt: Dude in distress A little angst a little comfort, idiots pining, poor communication, SFW

----------------------------------------------------------------------

His torch was guttering in the eerie winds of the preternaturally still curse. Something, or some things howled and cried in the distance, echoing in the strange din. Everything smelled like rot and decay, wisps of shadow weave curled and tugged at the skin.

Rolan had known on some level it was a fool’s errand to try venturing out here alone. Exceptional wizard or no. And the Harpers in Last Light had warned him as much.

He’s been following the meandering patterns of this gods forsaken wasteland - finding the stable structures and roadways that lead to the heart of the ruins of Reithwin. In theory, that hulking shadow in the distance could be Moonrise.

Just as Rolan’s making to step onto a flimsy looking walkway there’s a screech behind him. Too close. And then another. More. His torchlight sputters and Rolan’s spinning on his heel, pulling at threads of weave with his freehand.

Magic missiles knock them backwards but they don’t stop advancing. Ignis and they only fall back slightly.

He is well and truly doomed.

Rolan will die. Cal and Lia, if they aren’t already, will die with him.

“Gods damn it!”

An arrow whizzes by and pierces through the heart of one of the shadows, making it fizzle and wail. A moment later, a barrage of magic missiles obliterates another shadow. It's hard to hear over the din, but soon there's a raging inferno of a tiefling barreling past Rolan to cut down a shadow with her great axe.

And at last, a slight, hooded figure all in black, yet glowing with some unmistakable fey magic, skids to a halt directly in front of Rolan. Back turned to him, her blades are up and ready to defend.

Another shadow charges in and in a whirl of blades the small figure decimates the wraith until it vanishes into smoke. The flurry knocks her hood back, revealing a familiar face from the Grove.

Tav.

Tav who got him into this gods forsaken mess.

Tav who haunts his every free thought when he's not in danger. 

Damnit. Of all people! Now she's in danger because of his mistakes too.

“What in the hells are you doing?” Rolan shouts.

She and her companions decimate the remaining shadow-fiends. She's not alone - Karlach is here. And moments later they're joined by Gale and Astarion. All of them glowing that same effusive light - pixie magic.

Tav huffs a breath, pulling a mask down from over her mouth.

"Right this minute, I'm saving your ass," she replies, sounding a bit winded. Her brows draw low with concern. "What were you thinking, coming out here alone?"

“Gods damn it all!” Rolan growls out. His body practically vibrates with the impotent fury of his failures. “I can do nothing right - not a damn thing!”

“Please tell me you weren’t looking for Moonrise,” Tav returns, moving back to his side. Gods the look of concern on her face feels too much like pity. He hates it. When she adds another word it stings like a slap. “Alone.”

Why would you care!

“So what if I was!” Rolan bristles. “Cal and Lia could be there!”

“Even if they are, you plan on invading a fortress inhabited by a cult - ALONE!” Tav’s ire grows in tandem with his.

But what the hells does she have to be angry about? She’s not alone. She has her friends with her! All the resources she needs! No one she loves is in danger.

“Instead I found myself cornered by shadow-fiends and in need of rescue.” His face twists as he considers it. Not only has he failed miserably at making it to moonrise to save his siblings - but now she’s in danger too.

“From you of all bloody people.” In his despair it sounds almost like a whine. No doubt it sounds as pathetic to her as it feels to him.

It must, given the way her expression curdles. He’s slighted her. Again. Good. Maybe if he pushes her away she’ll stop putting herself in danger to save him.

His own scathing words from earlier sour in his mouth. You go save the world, or your own arse, or whatever it is you do. I’ll fix this. He’d been cruel to her - again - pushed her away in his grief. When she asked to help.

“What good am I if I can’t do this...this one thing?”

“Rolan...”

“I’ve failed Cal and Lia, again.”

And you, he thinks miserably. The look of pity in her eyes is enough he wants to drown himself in wine. He brushes off her concern with a forceful wave before she can say anything more to make him feel awful. Shame curdles in his stomach.

“Be on your way,” he huffs, turning his face away. “I’ll return to Last Light... I know when I’m outmatched.”

When he turns away, Tav’s hand around his wrist stops him before he can leave. It feels like those slender fingers are clenching around his heart instead. And the look on her face when he turns back to her makes his heart stutter. Normally snarky and boisterous, she’s...kind. Concerned. Caring. What the hells for?

“We’ll save them,” Tav murmurs softly. She means it. Of course she does. And maybe she’s their only hope.

But gods damn it, why does she have to be the one in danger? Again and again, no matter how weary she looks. She just grins and puts herself on the line. Idiot.

“Why does it have to be you?” It slips free in a low murmur as his eyes lift from where her hand clutches tight to his wrist back up to her face. To those impossible eyes.

And she shrugs. “Just lucky like that, I guess.”

Rolan scoffs and groans an exaggerated sound of frustration. This impossible woman. He knows it’ll be impossible to dissuade her. And secretly he can’t bear the thought of not letting her go - to have a chance at seeing his siblings again. Even as the thought of her in peril again fills him with icy dread.

“Just-” Rolan huffs, he can’t get the words free. They rail against his pride. When he finally manages it, the words are rushed and quiet. “Just come back safely.”

Tav huffs a soft laugh like she’s surprised to hear it. “What do you care?”

“You-!” Rolan’s hands clench into fists and he nearly hisses at her in his agitation, his tail whipping. “Just do it, you dolt!”

“Fine, fine, I’ll come back safe.” Now Tav giggles in earnest. “Not sure why you care.”

She lets go of his wrist and waves off his concern. Her lips quirk up in that infuriating half-smile of hers and her eyes sparkle with a warm mirth. But she doesn’t get it. He can tell. She doesn’t get a lick of why he’d care. That he does care.

And if anything, that pisses him off even more. Gods damnit!

"Zurgan-!” Rolan swears, crossing the distance between them. His stomach does a little flip when her expression changes to one of surprise. “Fine, I'll show you -"

Rolan grasps her by her shoulders and yanks her to him, crushing his lips to hers. He can’t say it in words, but maybe this wil at least show her something. And Rolan desperately needs her to understand.

So he kisses her. Kisses her until their both gasping for air.

And when they stare at one another, chests heaving, he can see it. There’s a glimmer in her eyes. She knows. Tav mirrors the concern and the anguish in Rolan’s expression as they pull away from one another.

“Get back to Last Light - stay there and stay safe,” she murmurs. “I’ll come back to you.”

@lanafofana @waterdeep-weavemoss @12thhouse-sun

@crimson-and-lavender @feedthepheasants @spooky-lil-bee

@femmefuck @heartfluttered

[someonebeatyoutothisuser]

🏮IF YOU IGNORE THIS, YOU ARE DOOMING MY FAMILY TO DEATH

I apologize for what I am about to ask. Can you help me and donate to save us?

I, Marah from gaza🍉, My parents are old and I have younger siblings that I am responsible for own many cats in light of this war Can you contribute to the care and protection of my cat children?The only memory of the brother I lost I want to study remotely and complete my studies, but I cannot afford tuition fees because of what I am going through without work This is unfortunate for what I am asking for and I feel very embarrassed. I hope you have a role in alleviating my suffering.

donation of only 20$ from each person, 20$ will save my family from death in Gaza💔😓

‼️Donate via credit card

https://gofund.me/e82cb476

‼️Donate via PayPal

https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/Mohammedkatoa95

PLEASE PLEASE DONATE! OR SPREAD THE WORD IF YOU CAN'T, REBLOG THIS POST, DO NOT JUST LIKE! IT WILL NOT HELP!

[officeobject]

Still cannot verify nor deny.

savepalestineinfamily19

7h ago

savepalestineinfamily19 asked:

Imagine waking up every morning to devastation—a world where safety is a dream, and hope feels just out of reach.

Vetted by:

1) gazavetters my number verified on the list is ( #45 )

2) a-shade-of-blue (in my pinned post)

3) 90-ghost (in my pinned post)

4) dlxxv-vetted-donations (in my pinned post)

5)transmutationisms (in my pinned post)

My name is Mohamed Almadhonne, and I am reaching out from Gaza, where my family and I are enduring profound hardship. Our home, once a sanctuary of safety and comfort, has been reduced to rubble. We now face freezing nights and hunger in a makeshift shelter, holding onto hope amidst overwhelming uncertainty.

Each day brings new challenges—fear, loss, and the constant battle for survival. Yet, even in this darkness, I believe in the transformative power of compassion and the generosity of people like you to help us find a path forward.

I am humbly asking for your support. Your donation, no matter the amount, could provide us with essential relief: shelter, food, and a chance to rebuild our lives. If donating is not possible, sharing our story could connect us with others willing to help.

Here is the link to my campaign: https://www.gofundme.com/f/faydxu-help-mohammed. Your kindness could be the light that guides us toward safety and dignity.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for your support. Your kindness means more than words can express.

With sincere gratitude,

Mohamed Almadhonne

23% of my long-term goal

11,385€ out of 50,000€

Donations are protected by GOFUNDME

Answer

siraj2024s

8h ago

siraj2024s asked:

🚨If you ignore this, you are dooming my family to death

Please donate to save our lives🙏

I apologize for what I'm about to ask. I have a heavy and weary heart. Unfortunately, the situation became difficult after most of my family members fell ill as a result of the worn-out tents drowning in rainwater, and my family now lives without shelter.

We urgently need to buy a new big tent and rent a shelter for the children and elderly people in my family of 24 people.

I lost part of my family, my home, and everything. I don’t know whether I will survive or die in this war, but I know that your help will contribute to saving my family from death

The campaign is documented in Google Docs el-shab-hussin No. 219

Answer

nourfamilysworld

8h ago

nourfamilysworld asked:

Ĥello

I am mai from Gaza.. 🇵🇸🍉

I hope you are well .

I write to you with a heart full of hope and faith, and I ask for your urgent help. My family is in great danger due to the war, and I am running a fundraising campaign to save them.

Please, can you reblog my campaign post on my account? Every participation can make a difference in my family's life.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for any help you can provide. 🇵🇸🇵🇸

The campaign was documented by @90-ghost

Please help me even with a donation of $10 to save my familyhttps://www.gofundme.com/f/save-nour-and-her-family-from-war-help-them-escape

Answer

savepalestineinfamily19 13h agosavepalestineinfamily19 asked:A Plea for Hope as the Year Ends🕊️🇵🇸As the end of this year approaches, all I can wish for is a moment of peace, even if just for a short while, to bring us back to our homes, to the memories and places that war has destroyed.💔💔We simply wish to end this year with our loved ones🫂🫶, to feel the warmth of our homes that we have lost, even if only for one month. After that, the war may continue if it must. But as people, as families, we need a small pause to feel that we are still alive.Today, we live in a small tent, with no safety or stability. Our little children, my siblings, and even the elders in family, we all dream of a moment of calm that gives us a chance to rebuild our lives—or at least to breathe life away from the sounds of bombs.Your support means hope for us. It means a chance to survive, to find a safe place, and to rebuild the dreams that were shattered. We are asking for your help to raise funds to get through this crisis, to secure our basic needs, and to try to live with dignity.💔🥹Any contribution, no matter how small, makes a big difference. The end of the year is a time of hope and humanity, and with your support, we may have a share of both.Donation link:👇👇👇👇👇https://www.gofundme.com/f/faydxu-help-mohammedThank you to everyone who reads, supports, or even shares this plea.Answer

dianatalb 18h agodianatalb asked:Hi! 👋 We're reaching out with a heartfelt message of hope. My wife, Diana, our two young daughters, and I live in Gaza, where we face daily struggles in an environment filled with conflict 💔. We've just launched a new GoFundMe campaign to help us escape this danger and find a place where our family can live in peace. Your support, even by simply sharing the link, would mean the world to us. Thank you for reading our story, and for any help you can give ❤️🌸.Please take a moment to check it out: [https://gofund.me/4f370b48]Answer

familgazaamal1 20h agofamilgazaamal1 asked:This is Amal and her family. My children are living under bombardment in the war 😭 Please consider them your children and help them 🙏🙏 Stand by my side to save and protect my children. They haven't gone to school for a year 🙏😢😢 Donate to save my children's lives 🍉 🙏🇵🇸 We live in very difficult and desperate circumstances, and what is worst of all is that the fear that haunts me increases day by day. Help me provide them with basic life needs. @gazavetters is verified, my verified number in the list is (#55)Answer

aboodalqedra13 22h agoaboodalqedra13 asked:I ask this with shame: Please donate a small amount that may save my father's life, he needs daily medication worth 55€ and will undergo surgery worth 250€💔, Please don't ignore my message and don't hesitate to help me 🍉‎‏ Please support me I am facing this alone🙏🛑We are now under a severe siege, the price of a bag of flour has reached 1000€The last donation was a while ago😞Answer

saja-gaza01

Please help me and family

https://gofund.me/e82fb539

✅️Vetted by @gazavetters, my number verified on the list is ( #299 )✅️

Not following each other

Hi

My name is saja, I am 19 years old, from Gaza City, I am married and I have a one-year-old child. After more than a year and two months of war, we lost all our possessions, our homes and everything, and we cannot provide anything for our family. Please support my brother’s campaign to help me, my son and my family. Any amount you provide protects us from starvation and enables us to buy clothes for my son to protect him from the cold of winter🙏. Thank you.🥹

Please any donation from you helps me buy clothes for my son to protect him from this cold, even if it is five euros🙏, please I am struggling for my child and my family in light of the cold and famine we have, be merciful to me! 🥹🥲

Yesterday 6:39 PM

[the-mold-under-your-bed123]

🏮IF YOU IGNORE THIS, YOU ARE DOOMING MY FAMILY TO DEATH

I apologize for what I am about to ask. Can you help me and donate to save us?

I, Marah from gaza🍉, My parents are old and I have younger siblings that I am responsible for own many cats in light of this war Can you contribute to the care and protection of my cat children?The only memory of the brother I lost

donation of only 20$ from each person, 20$ will save my family from death in Gaza💔😓

‼️Donate via credit card

https://gofund.me/e82cb476

‼️Donate via PayPal

https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/Mohammedkatoa95

please share and donate if u can

[zndr315-blog]

🏮IF YOU IGNORE THIS, YOU ARE DOOMING MY FAMILY TO DEATH

I apologize for what I am about to ask. Can you help me and donate to save us?

I, Marah from gaza🍉, My parents are old and I have younger siblings that I am responsible for own many cats in light of this war Can you contribute to the care and protection of my cat children?The only memory of the brother I lost

donation of only 20$ from each person, 20$ will save my family from death in Gaza💔😓

‼️Donate via credit card

https://gofund.me/e82cb476

‼️Donate via PayPal

https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/Mohammedkatoa95

This fundraiser has been vetted by @90-ghost, so please share, reblog, and donate.

[wdc2007]

🏮IF YOU IGNORE THIS, YOU ARE DOOMING MY FAMILY TO DEATH

I apologize for what I am about to ask. Can you help me and donate to save us?

I, Marah from gaza🍉, My parents are old and I have younger siblings that I am responsible for own many cats in light of this war Can you contribute to the care and protection of my cat children?The only memory of the brother I lost

donation of only 20$ from each person, 20$ will save my family from death in Gaza💔😓

‼️Donate via credit card

https://gofund.me/e82cb476

‼️Donate via PayPal

https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/Mohammedkatoa95

Please help if you can